1 00:00:00,120 --> 00:00:04,080 Speaker 1: There is always something new to learn about something old, 2 00:00:04,559 --> 00:00:06,920 Speaker 1: whether it's a work of art, whether it's a building. 3 00:00:07,200 --> 00:00:09,800 Speaker 1: Everything in the world has more history than we can 4 00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:12,040 Speaker 1: even father more imagine, and so I would like you 5 00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:14,239 Speaker 1: to think about the person you're within. That way, they'll 6 00:00:14,320 --> 00:00:18,599 Speaker 1: recognize that they're never endingly deep, they're limitless, and that 7 00:00:18,680 --> 00:00:27,560 Speaker 1: you should always try and discover something new about them. Hey, everyone, 8 00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:31,000 Speaker 1: welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast 9 00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:33,640 Speaker 1: in the world. Thanks to each and every single one 10 00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:36,880 Speaker 1: of you that come back every week to listen, learn, 11 00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:39,760 Speaker 1: and grow. Now I want to say a huge, huge 12 00:00:39,800 --> 00:00:44,240 Speaker 1: thank you to you because thanks to you, on Purpose 13 00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:49,400 Speaker 1: was in the top ten podcasts in the United States 14 00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:53,160 Speaker 1: this week, which is unbelievable. It blows my mind because 15 00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:57,120 Speaker 1: all the other podcasts are true crime or the news 16 00:00:57,720 --> 00:01:02,120 Speaker 1: or daily podcasts that have news elements to them, and 17 00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:05,480 Speaker 1: for us to be top ten in the US is 18 00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:09,160 Speaker 1: just incredible. So thank you so much to everyone who's 19 00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:12,119 Speaker 1: left a review. Thank you so much to everyone who's 20 00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:17,039 Speaker 1: posting on Instagram and Twitter and Facebook and YouTube, and 21 00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:19,080 Speaker 1: thank you to each and every single one of you 22 00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:23,400 Speaker 1: that's recommending this to your friends, that's bringing your community 23 00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:28,600 Speaker 1: into my world. I'm so deeply appreciative of all the love, 24 00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:33,319 Speaker 1: of all the amazing energy that you send towards me, 25 00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:36,080 Speaker 1: and I hope that in these episodes you see every 26 00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:39,200 Speaker 1: single week, I'm trying to share my best energy towards you. 27 00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:42,600 Speaker 1: I am so excited to share this episode with you 28 00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:47,400 Speaker 1: because I think it's so important. Whether you're single, whether 29 00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:50,560 Speaker 1: you're in a relationship, whether you're married, whether you just 30 00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:55,680 Speaker 1: broke up, whether you're divorced, whatever your relationship status. I 31 00:01:55,720 --> 00:01:59,440 Speaker 1: want you to know that this episode's super important because 32 00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:03,480 Speaker 1: this is something that we're all scared of. It's something 33 00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:06,960 Speaker 1: that happens more often than we think, and I don't 34 00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:11,400 Speaker 1: think there's enough conversations around it. There's not enough discussion 35 00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:16,280 Speaker 1: around this topic. And so today we're talking about the 36 00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:22,440 Speaker 1: six reasons we fall out of love and six changes 37 00:02:22,639 --> 00:02:26,240 Speaker 1: we can make to keep it growing. Right, today we're 38 00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:28,800 Speaker 1: talking about the six reasons we fall out of love 39 00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:33,679 Speaker 1: and the six changes to keep it growing. No one 40 00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:38,200 Speaker 1: falls in love hoping to fall out of love. But 41 00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:41,400 Speaker 1: I'm sure many of you have even experienced this. And 42 00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:45,800 Speaker 1: I had a friend recently who experienced this where she 43 00:02:45,919 --> 00:02:48,639 Speaker 1: came and told me, he told me he doesn't love 44 00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:53,240 Speaker 1: me anymore, he said, he's fallen out of love with me. Now, 45 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:57,639 Speaker 1: whether you've heard those painful words yourself, or whether you've 46 00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:01,760 Speaker 1: heard a friend go through this, it is never a 47 00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:04,880 Speaker 1: great place to be. It is never going to feel 48 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:09,080 Speaker 1: right because we don't fall into love wanting to fall 49 00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:12,800 Speaker 1: out of love. So why do we fall out of love? Well, 50 00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:16,160 Speaker 1: to answer that question, I want to start by looking 51 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:21,000 Speaker 1: at the definition of what it means to fall in love. Now, 52 00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:25,720 Speaker 1: falling is something involuntary. It's usually outside of our control, 53 00:03:26,639 --> 00:03:30,440 Speaker 1: and to me, that doesn't sound like a good way 54 00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:33,280 Speaker 1: to be in love. We want to be in love. 55 00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:37,640 Speaker 1: As shri Shi Ravishanka, a teacher from India, has said before, 56 00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:42,720 Speaker 1: we don't fall in love, we rise in love. Right. 57 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:46,880 Speaker 1: So what I find really really interesting about that is 58 00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:49,920 Speaker 1: that even the idea of falling in love and falling 59 00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:55,360 Speaker 1: out of love, falling in love happens involuntarily. It happens unconsciously. 60 00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:59,040 Speaker 1: But guess what so does falling out of love. Falling 61 00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:02,880 Speaker 1: out of love happens unconsciously as well. And so if 62 00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:06,680 Speaker 1: we fall in love unconsciously, we will fall out of 63 00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:11,400 Speaker 1: love unconsciously. But if we can rise in love consciously, 64 00:04:12,040 --> 00:04:17,120 Speaker 1: then we can continue to grow in love constantly. Notice 65 00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:24,360 Speaker 1: how we carry our unconscious unawareness through every stage of life, 66 00:04:24,760 --> 00:04:28,479 Speaker 1: and that it doesn't just disappear or change or benefit 67 00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:31,680 Speaker 1: us in any way. When you look at the studies 68 00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:35,560 Speaker 1: and the research, fifty eight percent of participants say that 69 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:40,400 Speaker 1: breakups are dramatic or messy. That's a large portion, and 70 00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:42,279 Speaker 1: I know we've all been there. We've all been in 71 00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:46,800 Speaker 1: those dramatic or messy breakups. Now, sixty four percent of 72 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:51,200 Speaker 1: participants have gone through a breakup of a long term relationship. 73 00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:54,920 Speaker 1: This is where it gets really interesting. Sixty five percent 74 00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:59,560 Speaker 1: of people say communication issues are the reason for a 75 00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:02,159 Speaker 1: break and we're going to talk about some of those 76 00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:06,960 Speaker 1: key issues today. Sixty seven percent of people say that 77 00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:12,320 Speaker 1: disagreements between typical couples never get resolved, but they don't 78 00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:17,080 Speaker 1: need to. Not every argument needs a resolution. But actually 79 00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:21,000 Speaker 1: what leads to a breakup is that the other thirty 80 00:05:21,040 --> 00:05:24,920 Speaker 1: three percent of issues are not addressed. And then thirty 81 00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:29,680 Speaker 1: eight percent of relationships end because of infidelity. So notice 82 00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:34,719 Speaker 1: how we would think that cheating or something of the 83 00:05:34,839 --> 00:05:39,240 Speaker 1: sort could be higher, but actually not that it isn't 84 00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:44,040 Speaker 1: a significant number. It's still lower than communication issues. It's 85 00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:48,920 Speaker 1: lower than disagreements, it's lower than addressing important things. Today, 86 00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:50,919 Speaker 1: when we look at the reasons we fall out of 87 00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:54,159 Speaker 1: love and the ways to keep it growing, I want 88 00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:58,719 Speaker 1: to focus on the subtle in betweens that often get forgotten. 89 00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:04,240 Speaker 1: The first one is we stop learning new things about 90 00:06:04,279 --> 00:06:06,960 Speaker 1: each other. Let me ask you a question. If you're 91 00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:09,560 Speaker 1: in a relationship, or if you've just got out of one, 92 00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:11,800 Speaker 1: or if you've been in one before, answer this question 93 00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:19,000 Speaker 1: for yourself. When was the last time you did something 94 00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:25,520 Speaker 1: new together? What was the last new thing you learned 95 00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:30,000 Speaker 1: about your partner? Chances are those things don't even come 96 00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:33,880 Speaker 1: to mind. More often than not, we're not learning about 97 00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:37,320 Speaker 1: our partners anymore. We think we know them, We think 98 00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:42,320 Speaker 1: and believe we understand them, and even more unconsciously, we 99 00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:47,560 Speaker 1: expect and believe that they know us. We expect and 100 00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:49,919 Speaker 1: believe that if we've been together for a certain amount 101 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:52,479 Speaker 1: of time, maybe if we've taken our marriage vows, then 102 00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:56,160 Speaker 1: they already get us, They already know us. And this 103 00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:59,880 Speaker 1: is one of the biggest reasons why people fall out 104 00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:04,320 Speaker 1: of love. They expect other people know them, and they 105 00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:08,599 Speaker 1: expect they know other people. So when you expect and 106 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:11,280 Speaker 1: believe that you already know everything you need to know, 107 00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:13,440 Speaker 1: and they know everything they need to know about you. 108 00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:19,000 Speaker 1: We stop learning new things about each other. I asked 109 00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:22,280 Speaker 1: this to a friend recently that I was speaking to. 110 00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:25,840 Speaker 1: I said, when was the last time you learned something 111 00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:28,280 Speaker 1: new about your partner or did something new with your partner? 112 00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:31,520 Speaker 1: And they said it was a couple of years ago 113 00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:35,320 Speaker 1: when they're on vacation. I'm thinking, Wow, you've been together 114 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:38,480 Speaker 1: for a significant amount of time, but the last time 115 00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:41,720 Speaker 1: you felt you were growing together, learning together, developing together 116 00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:45,480 Speaker 1: was over two years ago. We should be trying to 117 00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:52,640 Speaker 1: do something new together every quarter, right, every quarter every 118 00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:56,760 Speaker 1: three months, we can find the time to have a 119 00:07:56,760 --> 00:08:01,040 Speaker 1: new experience together, a new event and experience, and you 120 00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:05,840 Speaker 1: experiment a new education, a new piece of entertainment. To 121 00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:10,760 Speaker 1: share an experience together deepens your relationship. I just got 122 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:14,160 Speaker 1: back from a wonderful few days in New York where 123 00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:16,040 Speaker 1: a friend of mine, a very dear friend of mine, 124 00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:19,040 Speaker 1: was getting married, and a lot of my friends had 125 00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:21,280 Speaker 1: flown in from London, friends that I hadn't really hung 126 00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:24,080 Speaker 1: out within quite a while because of the pandemic, and 127 00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:26,200 Speaker 1: we had a whole weekend in New York And while 128 00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:29,640 Speaker 1: we don't have romantic relationships, this was friends. We made 129 00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:33,360 Speaker 1: so many memories in four days. In four days, we 130 00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:37,240 Speaker 1: made so many new memories in New York City, where 131 00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:42,239 Speaker 1: we've deepened our bond, continued, our friendship, added new stories, 132 00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:46,080 Speaker 1: and we've learned new things about each other. See, the 133 00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:48,520 Speaker 1: thing is that at the start of a relationship, everything 134 00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:52,080 Speaker 1: is new, right, everything's new. You go to a restaurant, 135 00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:54,280 Speaker 1: it's a new experience with them. You go to an 136 00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:57,800 Speaker 1: art gallery, you go to a city. Right, you may 137 00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:00,360 Speaker 1: go to Paris, you may go to Rome, you go 138 00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:02,480 Speaker 1: to another place with them. You travel a lot more 139 00:09:02,520 --> 00:09:06,000 Speaker 1: with them, so you're constantly having new experiences, and the 140 00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:13,439 Speaker 1: newness of the environment creates a freshness in the exchange. Right, 141 00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:18,880 Speaker 1: the newness of the external environment creates a freshness in 142 00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:22,640 Speaker 1: the exchange that you share. But as we spend more 143 00:09:22,679 --> 00:09:25,120 Speaker 1: time together, we live in the same home, we have 144 00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:29,000 Speaker 1: the same routine, we do the same things, and we 145 00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:31,640 Speaker 1: hang out with the same people in the same places. 146 00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:35,240 Speaker 1: So now there is no more newness in the environment. 147 00:09:35,679 --> 00:09:41,360 Speaker 1: So the freshness of the relationships exchanges diminishes. But we 148 00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:44,480 Speaker 1: can change that very simply we can adapt that very 149 00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:49,040 Speaker 1: easily by doing new things together, learning new things about 150 00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:51,320 Speaker 1: each other. So I want you to think about that 151 00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:55,000 Speaker 1: as you start planning out the next quarter, or as 152 00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:58,480 Speaker 1: you move into your next relationship. See how you can 153 00:09:58,559 --> 00:10:02,480 Speaker 1: add newness from the outside so that you can learn 154 00:10:02,559 --> 00:10:07,040 Speaker 1: more new about the person. There is always something new 155 00:10:07,679 --> 00:10:11,760 Speaker 1: to learn about something old, whether it's a work of art, 156 00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:16,160 Speaker 1: whether it's a building, whether it's a word. Everything in 157 00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:18,960 Speaker 1: the world has more history than we can even father 158 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:22,280 Speaker 1: or imagine. And so I would like you to think 159 00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:25,679 Speaker 1: about the person you're within. That way, they'll recognize that 160 00:10:25,679 --> 00:10:31,319 Speaker 1: they're never endingly deep, they're limitless, and that you should 161 00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:33,400 Speaker 1: always try and discover something new about them. And that 162 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:35,720 Speaker 1: way you'll never fall out of love with them. You 163 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:38,280 Speaker 1: may choose that you don't like what you learn, but 164 00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:41,720 Speaker 1: you won't unconsciously fall out of love with them. Number 165 00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:51,360 Speaker 1: two is we stop talking about vulnerable, intimate important meaningful topics. 166 00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:56,800 Speaker 1: What's really interesting about this is that when they surveyed couples, 167 00:10:57,559 --> 00:11:01,520 Speaker 1: the happiest couples only spent about ten percent of their 168 00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:07,160 Speaker 1: communication on small talk and daily tasks, but the unhappiest 169 00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:10,720 Speaker 1: twenty eight point three percent. Of their time was spent 170 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:16,120 Speaker 1: on shallow things. So you notice how there isn't conclusive 171 00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:18,400 Speaker 1: evidence on this yet, but it's moving in that direction 172 00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:23,200 Speaker 1: that the less we're talking about things that are important, powerful, 173 00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:27,320 Speaker 1: deeply meaningful to us, it's hard to build a long 174 00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:31,920 Speaker 1: lasting relationship of a functional conversations when everything becomes too 175 00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:36,120 Speaker 1: functional logistical. I mean even those words they strip away 176 00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:38,960 Speaker 1: the spirit of connection. And it's natural that as we 177 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:41,080 Speaker 1: spend more time together, we end up talking about, well, 178 00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:43,520 Speaker 1: what needs to happen around the apartment, or one needs 179 00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:46,760 Speaker 1: to happen around the house, or you know, who's picking 180 00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:49,640 Speaker 1: up the kids, or who's planning this out, and everything 181 00:11:49,679 --> 00:11:55,960 Speaker 1: becomes logical functional. It becomes like event management as opposed 182 00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:59,840 Speaker 1: to being a relationship. And that's needed. Right. Those conversations 183 00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:06,280 Speaker 1: are integral, but they are a baseline for the deeper, 184 00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:12,240 Speaker 1: meaningful conversations that need to happen. What's really uncomfortable about 185 00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:16,440 Speaker 1: that is that we have to make time to ask 186 00:12:16,559 --> 00:12:22,600 Speaker 1: those beautiful questions, right, We have to make time to 187 00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:30,040 Speaker 1: give our partner the ability to have meaningful conversations with us. 188 00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:33,600 Speaker 1: So one of the questions, and I was thinking about 189 00:12:33,679 --> 00:12:36,200 Speaker 1: questions that have often encouraged couples to ask each other. 190 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:41,440 Speaker 1: And you know, questions can be anything about embarrassing moments, 191 00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:46,240 Speaker 1: their childhood, or the future. So I find that talking 192 00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:51,400 Speaker 1: about the past, present, and future is what develops intimacy 193 00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:55,479 Speaker 1: in a relationship. If you want to develop a connection 194 00:12:55,559 --> 00:13:00,840 Speaker 1: with someone, it is by discussing your past, present, and 195 00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:03,880 Speaker 1: future you think about it. Some relationships in your life 196 00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:07,160 Speaker 1: you only talk about the future, some relationships you only 197 00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:09,800 Speaker 1: talk about the past, and some relationships you only talk 198 00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:12,679 Speaker 1: about the present. So someone who has a three sixty 199 00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:14,680 Speaker 1: degree view of you is someone you can have a 200 00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:17,959 Speaker 1: loving relationship with and you can keep growing the love 201 00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:22,000 Speaker 1: because they are growing with you and through your journey 202 00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:27,240 Speaker 1: with you. So childhood is the past, embarrassing moments, maybe 203 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:30,440 Speaker 1: the present, and it also brings a bit of laughter, 204 00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:33,240 Speaker 1: a bit of lightness, and then the future your hopes 205 00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:38,480 Speaker 1: and dreams, your aspirations. So some questions that I really 206 00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:44,120 Speaker 1: like for childhood is you know, who's someone in your 207 00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:49,040 Speaker 1: family that you feel your most yourself around, Right, That's 208 00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:52,800 Speaker 1: a great question, and making time for questions like this 209 00:13:53,559 --> 00:13:57,320 Speaker 1: allows you to learn so much about that person. Another 210 00:13:57,360 --> 00:14:00,680 Speaker 1: great question is why do you want to be a parent? 211 00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:03,760 Speaker 1: If you want to be a parent, why so? If 212 00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:07,240 Speaker 1: you don't, why not? And having an open conversation around that. 213 00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:13,120 Speaker 1: One of the best conversations to have about the present 214 00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:16,680 Speaker 1: is what's your love language right now? Right What is 215 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:21,000 Speaker 1: something that you deeply appreciate? Or another way it could 216 00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:23,960 Speaker 1: be to describe your perfect day? What is it that 217 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:27,240 Speaker 1: makes a day special? And remember these questions are not 218 00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:30,160 Speaker 1: being asked with the expectation that someone's going to fulfill them. 219 00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:34,440 Speaker 1: It's just the act of having that intimacy, that vulnerability 220 00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:38,800 Speaker 1: with someone that creates deeper bonds and deeper connections and 221 00:14:38,840 --> 00:14:42,440 Speaker 1: deeper relationships. And then the future, what are your hopes 222 00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:44,960 Speaker 1: and aspirations? What are you building, what are you creating? 223 00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:47,800 Speaker 1: What are your goals this year? So if we truly 224 00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:52,400 Speaker 1: want to not fall out of love, it requires this 225 00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:56,520 Speaker 1: consistent growth. And this is what I find fascinating that 226 00:14:56,680 --> 00:14:59,400 Speaker 1: nothing in the world just stays as it is right, 227 00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:02,160 Speaker 1: nothing in the wor world just lasts without maintenance. But 228 00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:07,240 Speaker 1: we expect love to last without maintenance. We expect love 229 00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:10,760 Speaker 1: to last without nurturing, We expect love to last without 230 00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:16,120 Speaker 1: any effort. And it doesn't make sense at all. We've 231 00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:18,640 Speaker 1: been getting so many amazing reviews for The Daily Jay, 232 00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:22,040 Speaker 1: my new daily guided meditation series on the car Map. 233 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:23,960 Speaker 1: You might have heard a couple of snippets on the 234 00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:26,160 Speaker 1: podcast for a few weeks, so in case you haven't 235 00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:28,080 Speaker 1: had the chance to check it out, I just wanted 236 00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:31,360 Speaker 1: to share this review from Caitlin, an elementary school teacher 237 00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:34,080 Speaker 1: from New Jersey. He's what she had to say. I 238 00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:36,760 Speaker 1: have over nine years of experience in the American public 239 00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:40,960 Speaker 1: school education system, including teaching throughout the pandemic. Over the 240 00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:43,840 Speaker 1: past two years, I've seen extreme cases of anxiety and 241 00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:47,000 Speaker 1: my students like never before. Many of these children have 242 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:50,640 Speaker 1: never experienced these feelings before, and most are not even 243 00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:53,440 Speaker 1: sure of what they are feeling. My school district has 244 00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:56,800 Speaker 1: spent a great deal of time focusing on social emotional 245 00:15:56,880 --> 00:16:00,280 Speaker 1: learning sel through this school year. We try to teach 246 00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:03,280 Speaker 1: coping skills and focus on teaching kids how to deal 247 00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:06,119 Speaker 1: with their feelings and become the best version of themselves. 248 00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:09,400 Speaker 1: As someone who has also been experiencing the many anxieties 249 00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:12,200 Speaker 1: of the world today, I have recently downloaded the car 250 00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:14,520 Speaker 1: mapp thanks to my mom. My mom and I are 251 00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:16,600 Speaker 1: big fans of yours, and once she heard that you 252 00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:19,280 Speaker 1: will have seven minutes of Daily Jay each day. She 253 00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:22,880 Speaker 1: encouraged me in doing this. Your meaningful ideas and meditation 254 00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:26,560 Speaker 1: have quickly become part of my daily routine, so much 255 00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:29,920 Speaker 1: that I've begun incorporating some of them into my sel 256 00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:33,320 Speaker 1: morning meetings with my third graders. If you've ever wanted 257 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:35,600 Speaker 1: to meditate with me, join me on the car map 258 00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:39,400 Speaker 1: for the Daily Jay, a daily guided meditation where I'll 259 00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:43,280 Speaker 1: help you find calm in the chaos, plant beautiful intentions 260 00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:46,640 Speaker 1: for a happy, abundant life, and simple steps for positive 261 00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:49,840 Speaker 1: actions to get you closer to the life of your dreams. 262 00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:52,720 Speaker 1: Meditate with me by going to Calm dot com forward 263 00:16:52,760 --> 00:16:55,840 Speaker 1: slash Jay to get forty percent off a Calm Premium 264 00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:58,920 Speaker 1: membership that's only forty two dollars for the whole year 265 00:16:59,280 --> 00:17:04,399 Speaker 1: for a daily guided meditation experience the Daily jy only oncom. 266 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:10,640 Speaker 1: The third reason we fall out of love is we 267 00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:17,359 Speaker 1: don't create systems to deal with arguments. This one is 268 00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:20,840 Speaker 1: absolutely huge, right, the amount of people that argue, the 269 00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:24,000 Speaker 1: amount of people that have disagreements, the amount of people 270 00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:28,040 Speaker 1: that avoid arguments, but having systems to deal with arguments. Now, 271 00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:30,879 Speaker 1: I'm going to share with you a system. The first 272 00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:38,239 Speaker 1: system is the when, where, what, how? Why system. My 273 00:17:38,359 --> 00:17:43,200 Speaker 1: belief is that arguments needs to become more like debates. 274 00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:47,159 Speaker 1: The reason is that in an argument, there is no goal, 275 00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:52,560 Speaker 1: there is no intention, and there is no clarity. In 276 00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:58,320 Speaker 1: a debate, there's a motion, there's an intention, and there's knowledge. 277 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:06,639 Speaker 1: Arguments are unstructured, they're highly emotional, and they're highly irrational. 278 00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:13,120 Speaker 1: Debate it's of focused discussions on a particular idea. So 279 00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:15,840 Speaker 1: the first question you have to ask yourself to create 280 00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:18,679 Speaker 1: a system for arguments. Every time you start arguing, you 281 00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:20,280 Speaker 1: can move to this system and me and rather they 282 00:18:20,359 --> 00:18:22,760 Speaker 1: do this fairly often, and I find that I may 283 00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:25,600 Speaker 1: guide us in this direction sometimes, so anyone can guide. 284 00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:28,520 Speaker 1: But you have this discussion when you're not arguing. So 285 00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:32,160 Speaker 1: you have this discussion when you're not fighting. So you said, okay, look, 286 00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:34,359 Speaker 1: next time we fight, this is the system we have 287 00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:37,480 Speaker 1: to use to actually have a productive argument, as opposed 288 00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:40,240 Speaker 1: to when we start fighting. We have to somehow figure 289 00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:43,680 Speaker 1: this out, which is unlikely. The first thing is the 290 00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:48,840 Speaker 1: ninety second rule. Knowing that emotions switch after ninety seconds. 291 00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:51,600 Speaker 1: In those ninety seconds, you're gonna want to act, You're 292 00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:54,320 Speaker 1: gonna want to be angry, you're gonna want to release yourself. 293 00:18:54,359 --> 00:18:56,520 Speaker 1: But if you can wait ninety seconds, if you can 294 00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:58,600 Speaker 1: hold back for ninety seconds, it will change the tone 295 00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:01,400 Speaker 1: of an argument. The first thing is what are we 296 00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:04,800 Speaker 1: arguing about? Let's be really clear on what are we 297 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:09,040 Speaker 1: actually arguing about? Now, if you're starting an argument, if 298 00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:11,200 Speaker 1: you've got an issue with something, what are you actually 299 00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:14,359 Speaker 1: arguing about? And if someone else is arguing with you? 300 00:19:15,680 --> 00:19:18,320 Speaker 1: Calming the situation down and asking the question, what are 301 00:19:18,320 --> 00:19:21,320 Speaker 1: we actually arguing about, let's really look at that. What 302 00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:24,679 Speaker 1: is your genuine issue with this? Let me understand the 303 00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:27,080 Speaker 1: root of it, Let's really break it down. It's not 304 00:19:27,119 --> 00:19:30,400 Speaker 1: a challenging question. It's not a condescending question. It's a 305 00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:33,200 Speaker 1: clarifying question. So you're not asking them what are you 306 00:19:33,359 --> 00:19:35,800 Speaker 1: arguing about? What's wrong with you? What's your issue? You're saying, 307 00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:39,480 Speaker 1: I want to understand clearly what it is that I've 308 00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:42,520 Speaker 1: done to upset you and what it is that I've 309 00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:45,840 Speaker 1: done to make you feel this way, right, I want 310 00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:50,520 Speaker 1: to understand that. That's the first step. The second step 311 00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:53,639 Speaker 1: after you figured out the what, and so it's like, 312 00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:56,119 Speaker 1: what are we arguing about? Because half the time we 313 00:19:56,160 --> 00:19:58,440 Speaker 1: don't even know what we're arguing about, or we're arguing 314 00:19:58,560 --> 00:20:00,119 Speaker 1: about a side thing and then we go, well, well, 315 00:20:00,119 --> 00:20:02,000 Speaker 1: well it's not that, it's really this, and then we 316 00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:06,800 Speaker 1: switch topic. Right, So let's really spend some time cooling 317 00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:09,840 Speaker 1: down and figure out what are we arguing about. Before 318 00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:11,760 Speaker 1: we do that, we have to figure out when and 319 00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:15,760 Speaker 1: where we're going to argue. Here's the thing about debates. 320 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:19,800 Speaker 1: They're set with the time and a place your arguments needed, 321 00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:25,119 Speaker 1: time and a place. Ideally, where is in a neutral place? 322 00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:28,360 Speaker 1: You want to argue, in a place that feels comfortable 323 00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:30,720 Speaker 1: for both of you. You're not arguing in front of 324 00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:34,280 Speaker 1: the kids, you're not arguing while the TV's on. You've 325 00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:36,600 Speaker 1: made a commitment to do it in a proper time 326 00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:40,200 Speaker 1: and place. And the place also means it could be 327 00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:43,400 Speaker 1: somewhere neutral. It could be in a park, could be 328 00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:46,399 Speaker 1: you know, in your garden. It could be somewhere that 329 00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:50,240 Speaker 1: feels more open. And when not when they just got 330 00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:52,600 Speaker 1: back from work, not first thing in the morning, while 331 00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:55,480 Speaker 1: someone's rushing to get their breakfast, not before a big 332 00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:59,639 Speaker 1: meeting or presentation. Often we do that unconsciously and the 333 00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:03,879 Speaker 1: other us and gets unhinged. A healthy system for an 334 00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:07,440 Speaker 1: argument is first figuring out when and where you're going 335 00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:10,480 Speaker 1: to choose to bring this up, and what you're choosing 336 00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:13,960 Speaker 1: to bring up. Now, how is you're sitting next to 337 00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:16,720 Speaker 1: each other, You're not sitting opposing each other. There's a 338 00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:21,280 Speaker 1: beautiful quote by Antoine Descent Exuperre that says love does 339 00:21:21,359 --> 00:21:25,520 Speaker 1: not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking 340 00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:29,440 Speaker 1: outward together in the same direction. When we're looking at 341 00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:32,320 Speaker 1: each other, we may look past each other, we may 342 00:21:32,359 --> 00:21:35,960 Speaker 1: look against each other, we may have ideas that cross 343 00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:38,800 Speaker 1: or conflict, But when we're looking in the same direction, 344 00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:40,280 Speaker 1: when we're sitting next to each other, when we're on 345 00:21:40,359 --> 00:21:45,000 Speaker 1: a walk together, we're already subconsciously moving in the same 346 00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:48,720 Speaker 1: direction together. Arguing or debating while having a walk as 347 00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:54,600 Speaker 1: we move can be healthy. So that's the when, where, how, 348 00:21:54,760 --> 00:21:57,480 Speaker 1: and then the why why am I really bringing this up? 349 00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:02,240 Speaker 1: Explain why you're bringing it up. Don't just argue about 350 00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:05,480 Speaker 1: what you're arguing about. Explain why it affects you. And also, 351 00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:08,240 Speaker 1: when you prepare to share this, that's the thing about debates. 352 00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:12,680 Speaker 1: You prepare for debates when you share this, the most 353 00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:17,919 Speaker 1: amazing thing is that they understand because People may not 354 00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:20,760 Speaker 1: understand what your issue is, but they're more likely to 355 00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:23,480 Speaker 1: understand why you have it. You may have an issue 356 00:22:23,520 --> 00:22:25,440 Speaker 1: with someone not doing the dishes and they won't get 357 00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:27,760 Speaker 1: it because they don't have the same why for it. 358 00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:30,960 Speaker 1: But if you tell them why, they can understand yours 359 00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:35,280 Speaker 1: a little bit deeper. Please communicate with why. So, how 360 00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:38,720 Speaker 1: you set a system for an argument is before an 361 00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:40,959 Speaker 1: argument outside you say, look, this is the system we're 362 00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:43,520 Speaker 1: going to follow. We're going to figure out when and where, 363 00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:45,680 Speaker 1: we're going to figure out what we're arguing about. We're 364 00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:47,280 Speaker 1: going to know how we're arguing it about it, and 365 00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:49,320 Speaker 1: we're going to share why we're arguing about it. And 366 00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:52,200 Speaker 1: it's going to be more like a debate than an argument, 367 00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:55,680 Speaker 1: because we don't want to approach it from the perspective 368 00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:59,680 Speaker 1: of just shouting at each other. Now, the fourth reason 369 00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:03,000 Speaker 1: we fall out of love is that the John Gottman 370 00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:07,919 Speaker 1: Institute says that only nine percent of the time our 371 00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:12,720 Speaker 1: couples emotionally available nine percent, which means there's ninety one 372 00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:17,160 Speaker 1: percent of the time that couples are not emotionally available. 373 00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:21,399 Speaker 1: It's incredible right to just not be there, to just 374 00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:26,000 Speaker 1: not be present carve out time every week, once a 375 00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:31,119 Speaker 1: week to have emotionally available time EA time, and that 376 00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:34,199 Speaker 1: could be on a Sunday for an hour each but 377 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:36,960 Speaker 1: to really carve out that time, to not think that 378 00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:39,840 Speaker 1: watching a movie together or going to dinner together is 379 00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:44,920 Speaker 1: emotional availability. That's physical availability. But what people are really 380 00:23:44,920 --> 00:23:48,359 Speaker 1: seeking is emotional availability, and you really want to focus 381 00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:53,720 Speaker 1: on that. Number five is no division of chores and responsibilities. 382 00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:58,479 Speaker 1: People get so frustrated that they default to taking care 383 00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:02,400 Speaker 1: of everything that they by default have to do everything right. 384 00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:05,080 Speaker 1: So you want to figure out early on who's doing 385 00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:08,399 Speaker 1: the cooking, who's doing the cleaning, what's the schedule. We 386 00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:10,760 Speaker 1: have to almost treat it in that way because it's 387 00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:13,359 Speaker 1: so easy for things to just fall on one person. 388 00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:15,880 Speaker 1: Before you take on a new task, like let's say 389 00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:19,159 Speaker 1: you're renovating. Okay, before we take on renovating, who's going 390 00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:20,879 Speaker 1: to take on the renovation, who's going to take on 391 00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:24,040 Speaker 1: the decision making? We have to start operating somewhat like 392 00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:27,560 Speaker 1: a business in those areas of our lives to avoid 393 00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:30,040 Speaker 1: lack of communication. Okay, if we want to plan a vacation, 394 00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:32,280 Speaker 1: who's going to plan it, who's going to book it? 395 00:24:32,359 --> 00:24:35,480 Speaker 1: Let's let's plan that out before we get excited about 396 00:24:35,520 --> 00:24:40,160 Speaker 1: doing these things. A number six is not addressing important 397 00:24:40,200 --> 00:24:42,720 Speaker 1: issues for your partner. This is huge. If you're want 398 00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:45,120 Speaker 1: of those people that knows your partner wants to get 399 00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:46,919 Speaker 1: married but you don't want to and you don't want 400 00:24:46,960 --> 00:24:49,040 Speaker 1: to talk about it, or you know your partner one's 401 00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:50,520 Speaker 1: kids and you don't and you don't want to talk 402 00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:54,040 Speaker 1: about it, make a point to talk about it. Either 403 00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:55,760 Speaker 1: you're going to fall out of love or they are 404 00:24:56,200 --> 00:24:59,040 Speaker 1: because you don't talk about the things that are uncomfortable 405 00:24:59,080 --> 00:25:02,600 Speaker 1: to talk about. Talk about the uncomfortable things in the 406 00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:05,639 Speaker 1: same way as I describe the arguments and debate. Don't 407 00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:09,160 Speaker 1: avoid the elephant in the room. Right, it just gets 408 00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:13,480 Speaker 1: bigger and bigger and bigger. Thank you so much for 409 00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:15,520 Speaker 1: listening to this episode today. I think there was some 410 00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:17,800 Speaker 1: incredible insights in this one today, and I hope you're 411 00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:21,680 Speaker 1: going to share them, repeat them, amplify them. I am 412 00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:24,359 Speaker 1: so grateful for this on purpose, community, and family. I 413 00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:27,160 Speaker 1: can't wait for live events. I can't wait for meeting 414 00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:29,080 Speaker 1: you all in person when I go on torn next year, 415 00:25:29,119 --> 00:25:32,159 Speaker 1: when my next book comes out. I am just so 416 00:25:32,280 --> 00:25:35,680 Speaker 1: excited to share this journey with you, in this life 417 00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:38,760 Speaker 1: with you. I appreciate you and I'll see you soon. 418 00:25:39,760 --> 00:25:42,320 Speaker 1: Thank you so much. I actually, actually, actually I want 419 00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:44,320 Speaker 1: to read some reviews because I saw some this week 420 00:25:44,359 --> 00:25:47,440 Speaker 1: that brought so much joy to my life. This is 421 00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:50,840 Speaker 1: from Mark. I listened to Jay's podcast while doing my 422 00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:53,560 Speaker 1: yard work. I can clean my yard while feeding my mind. 423 00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:57,360 Speaker 1: I share Jay's podcast relentlessly with anyone and everyone inspired 424 00:25:57,400 --> 00:25:59,760 Speaker 1: by Jay. I'm launching a business and it is on 425 00:25:59,800 --> 00:26:02,560 Speaker 1: my vision board to one day beyond Jay's podcast. I 426 00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:06,359 Speaker 1: love that. Please keep the inspiration flowing. Thank you, thank you. 427 00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:10,240 Speaker 1: This is from Patricia. I'm in my early thirties and 428 00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:12,840 Speaker 1: recently I've had some life changing events OCCA and I 429 00:26:12,920 --> 00:26:15,520 Speaker 1: found myself in a rut. I followed Ja on social 430 00:26:15,560 --> 00:26:17,359 Speaker 1: media for a few years, but I've never listened to 431 00:26:17,359 --> 00:26:19,919 Speaker 1: his podcast. One morning, I was doing my hair and 432 00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:22,760 Speaker 1: decided to try and be productive while doing so. It's 433 00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:25,240 Speaker 1: been three weeks and I've listened to Jane's guest daily. 434 00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:27,480 Speaker 1: I listened while I'm in the car or in any 435 00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:31,000 Speaker 1: chance that I have. It's drastically changed my mindset and 436 00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:33,280 Speaker 1: it has allowed me to take my mental health into 437 00:26:33,359 --> 00:26:36,560 Speaker 1: my own hands. I feel like I am learning and growing, 438 00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:40,480 Speaker 1: which is enriched my life instead of feeling stale. Keep 439 00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:43,600 Speaker 1: them coming, Patricia, thank you so much. Everyone, make sure 440 00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:46,520 Speaker 1: you leave a review. We're around eighteen thousand reviews. I 441 00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:48,439 Speaker 1: would love to get to twenty thousand by the end 442 00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:49,960 Speaker 1: of the year. If you can take a moment, it 443 00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:52,359 Speaker 1: would mean the world to me. Thank you so much. 444 00:26:52,640 --> 00:27:01,000 Speaker 1: I'll see you next week. Lee