Speaker 1: Welcome for this episode of Emergency Intercrop Guy. Something really
Speaker 1: big happened today. What I lost my virginity this morning?
Speaker 2: Oh? Really?
Speaker 1: Yeah? And I know it's weird that it happened at
Speaker 1: like six am.
Speaker 2: Wait to who.
Speaker 1: Okay, Oh my god, you're like actually fucking funding me.
Speaker 1: I'm already sharing so much information.
Speaker 2: You don't know them. They go to a different school,
Speaker 2: Like hello, like, are you lying? Like what that?
Speaker 1: I actually didn't want to say because it was your
Speaker 1: fucking mom.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, it's literally my mom's birthday tomorrow.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Well that's why I because I took her virginity too,
Speaker 1: which is weird because you're here.
Speaker 2: So it's like, m she lied to you.
Speaker 1: No, she was a virgin. She everywhere?
Speaker 2: Is that total fucking slag too, slag, total fucking slag.
Speaker 2: I'm so sweaty today.
Speaker 1: It's been really hot in the house. It's back to
Speaker 1: being hot. Look, it's literally ninety.
Speaker 2: Nine degrees Oh wow.
Speaker 1: I know if the sun is walking in, but it's
Speaker 1: literally ninety nine degrees in here, so fucking hot.
Speaker 3: Wow.
Speaker 1: That being said, I'm really sorry. And all I can
Speaker 1: say is I'm just gonna go off my note. And
Speaker 1: this has nothing to do with you. But I can't
Speaker 1: believe people feel embarrassed but doing things in public, Like
Speaker 1: I I forgot who I was talking to. Oh, I
Speaker 1: was like walking around with like this group of friends
Speaker 1: and one of them was like, you are like too crazy,
Speaker 1: and I don't think I could ever hang out with
Speaker 1: you alone because of like how loud I laugh. And
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm so quick to make jokes about everything.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're a funny girl. You make people. I feel
Speaker 2: like a comedian girl.
Speaker 1: Things that been to me. But I'm just too funny
Speaker 1: and too loud and rambunctious for a lot of people.
Speaker 1: But genuinely, I think the one video that comes to
Speaker 1: mind that I know everybody will know when we reference
Speaker 1: it was me yelling in the elevator like stairwell at
Speaker 1: the mall and people being like, how is she doing that?
Speaker 1: Like how is she not embarrassed? Like, oh, we can't
Speaker 1: take you anywhere? Crazy. I'm fucking crazy because it's fucking
Speaker 1: funny and it's literally so hilarious to be so loud,
Speaker 1: to make people look at you.
Speaker 2: Literally who cares? Because those people, I am genuinely convinced,
Speaker 2: like ninety eight percent of the people that are around
Speaker 2: me at all times, at any given moment genuinely aren't
Speaker 2: real and like that might make me a narcissist or
Speaker 2: a sociopath, but like, I don't believe it. I'm not
Speaker 2: buying it. I'm not real, Like.
Speaker 1: I'm what's don't hey, don't You're not supposed to do
Speaker 1: that publicly. Don't do it.
Speaker 2: It's hiding in plain sight, babes, Like if you do it, yes,
Speaker 2: I guess I'm not.
Speaker 4: They don't.
Speaker 2: They're like, oh, like he would never if he was
Speaker 2: actually in the Illuminati, he would never actually do that.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, okay, I mean I'm I'm fucking it up
Speaker 1: now because now they will cut that out.
Speaker 2: No, it's all in plain sidebabes. Okay, we're good.
Speaker 1: Okay, Yeah, so that wasn't real. But yeah, I just
Speaker 1: was thinking about that because I just don't feel embarrassed. Actually,
Speaker 1: the things I feel embarrassed over are like it comes
Speaker 1: and goes so quickly, and I'm not one of those
Speaker 1: people who sits and remembers things that embarrassed me. I
Speaker 1: can't think of a single thing that happened that I
Speaker 1: was like, oh, that was so embarrassing and humiliating. Like
Speaker 1: I almost passed out. I wanted to throw up, and
Speaker 1: it was so uncomfortable because genuinely, if I do feel embarrassment, ever,
Speaker 1: it goes away so fast, like I'm like, oh, that
Speaker 1: was embarrassing, and I almost say it like like I'm
Speaker 1: just mimicking the humans around me. I'm like, guys, that
Speaker 1: was so embarrassing because I think it was supposed to
Speaker 1: be and I just have to say it so people
Speaker 1: don't think I'm crazy.
Speaker 2: Yeah, when I do. When I get like, there are
Speaker 2: a few specific things come to my brain when I
Speaker 2: think of like times I've been actually embarrassed. One of
Speaker 2: them is farting in front of my whole class year
Speaker 2: and reading time in like second grade, most horrifying experience
Speaker 2: of my life. Like I guys, I didn't fart in
Speaker 2: front of anybody, even like in public, Like I didn't
Speaker 2: fart any in front of my friends, in front of
Speaker 2: my family, in front of my twin fucking sister. Like
Speaker 2: I didn't fight in front of anybody until I would.
Speaker 2: I know how to make my fart silent because I
Speaker 2: have a big, gaping butthole and it's just so super
Speaker 2: stressed out there, Like oh, it just like breathed, it's
Speaker 2: like a breath, it's like ever it's collapsed to a
Speaker 2: little bit. Yeah, but it would or I didn't far
Speaker 2: in front of anybody until maybe this year, like maybe
Speaker 2: last year at the most, because like it for some reason,
Speaker 2: fart's like like they're hilarious to me when they're not mine,
Speaker 2: but like my own, Like I was just like indoctrinated
Speaker 2: into this like anti fart household where it was just
Speaker 2: not funny, Like no, not even my brothers farted in.
Speaker 1: Front of me, like that's disgusting, don't fart.
Speaker 2: No, it wasn't even like that. Just none of us
Speaker 2: farted in front of each other like it. It was crazy.
Speaker 2: It was really crazy.
Speaker 1: Spoke in shame. Yeah, wow, that hard for you.
Speaker 2: It was pretty difficult. What was I even saying about that?
Speaker 2: Because we're talking about times I'm embarrassed.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, that's funny because the most wet shit like.
Speaker 2: Okay, yes it wasn't wet. It was shitty, like it
Speaker 2: was a shitty dookie fart, but it was not wet, like.
Speaker 1: Literally like that, like it came out of the ass
Speaker 1: of somebody who just want a hot dog eating.
Speaker 2: Tell me why. When I was in the bathroom. After that,
Speaker 2: I was like, wow, why was that like one of
Speaker 2: my greatest acting performances of my life? Because I was
Speaker 2: like I like every once in a while, like I'll
Speaker 2: hear a sound and like get PTSD written and freak
Speaker 2: out and think someone's in the house, and like I'll
Speaker 2: be like, wait, wait, POSITIV, what is that puzz that
Speaker 2: buzz that hurry? And then it turns out to be
Speaker 2: our neighbors walking up the stairs or some bullshit.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Well, like before I let out this like diabolical, demented, disgusting,
Speaker 2: fucking biggest part of my life, I made a big
Speaker 2: fart on my butt. I was like, I gave you
Speaker 2: this performance. I was like wait, wait, wait, guys, guys, guys,
Speaker 2: like pause that what does that sound? And then I
Speaker 2: bent over and.
Speaker 1: Went It was like it was like, yeah, it was long,
Speaker 1: really like insane.
Speaker 5: It took shapes of its tone, and me and Josiah
Speaker 5: literally were so shocked by it.
Speaker 1: We didn't even say anything. We were just like, oh,
Speaker 1: it was so loud that my cup was you were
Speaker 1: next to the table, my cup was on, and I
Speaker 1: moved my cup because I literally got the intrusive thought
Speaker 1: that I would get like pink eye or like something
Speaker 1: shitty flakes.
Speaker 2: Let's answer it.
Speaker 1: Hello, are you?
Speaker 2: Are you to me?
Speaker 1: Are my god? Human? Human? Human?
Speaker 2: Huehuman human, click and over again. Guys, if you ever
Speaker 2: are talking to a robot and you want to speak to.
Speaker 1: Human, Hi, I'm good. What about you?
Speaker 2: That's a robot? Are you a robot? Are you? Are
Speaker 2: you a robot?
Speaker 1: Oh? This is a robot?
Speaker 2: Are you a robot?
Speaker 1: Is this a robot?
Speaker 2: I really want to speak to human guys.
Speaker 1: Okay, life, I'm serious because we still haven't paid our
Speaker 1: I know.
Speaker 2: It was like I was like, wait because I heard
Speaker 2: sounds in the backyard this morning, and I was like, oh, wow,
Speaker 2: they're we're.
Speaker 1: Doing the thing. This is so annoying that we're still
Speaker 1: doing this. We'll pay it, We'll pay it before we
Speaker 1: go away for vacation. But we haven't paid our power
Speaker 1: and our gas. And every time I hear sounds in
Speaker 1: the morning of like men around the house, I'm like, yeah,
Speaker 1: they're gonna turn off my water, They're gonna turf the heater.
Speaker 2: Same but life tip if you're ever speaking to a
Speaker 2: robot and you want to speak to human, just say human, human,
Speaker 2: human and clicking one one one one over and over again,
Speaker 2: and it overloads their system or some ship because like
Speaker 2: it has worked without fail Like that's.
Speaker 1: There's nothing else in this life that makes you more
Speaker 1: angry than talking.
Speaker 2: To Like no, it's it's really like one they're replacing jobs.
Speaker 2: Two I don't want to speak to a stupid fucking robot,
Speaker 2: Like literally, what the oh my god, AI has been
Speaker 2: in front of us this entire time, but I don't
Speaker 2: want to speak to a robot. I want to speak
Speaker 2: to a human, like I don't know, I don't know
Speaker 2: how to explain it. It's just like literally not chill,
Speaker 2: not fucking chill, like nasty boots, Like I fucking hate robot.
Speaker 1: Remember when they first started in plot putting in self
Speaker 1: checkouts and literally the whole Internet exploded and was like,
Speaker 1: we're mating our end. Self checkout is the devil. It
Speaker 1: literally is, because like now they just fucking take pictures
Speaker 1: of your face all day and scan your shopping habits
Speaker 1: and they're collecting that on all of us, which I
Speaker 1: keep saying that and I'm afraid of and I don't
Speaker 1: know what it means. But also that makes you mad,
Speaker 1: And then I'm trying to think of something else. I'm like,
Speaker 1: what makes me that mad? Like that genuinely pisses you off?
Speaker 1: And I think what genuinely pisses me off is people
Speaker 1: chewing sounds.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Like it's that is the one thing that you
Speaker 2: cannot do.
Speaker 1: I like, genuinely, no matter how much I love you,
Speaker 1: no matter how close we are, if you are chewing
Speaker 1: like a fucking animal around me, I will actually cume,
Speaker 1: okay and off.
Speaker 2: The thing is is it's not even chewing like an animal.
Speaker 2: It is literally just natural human chewing sounds. Like I
Speaker 2: could be like like twice and then you'll be like, okay,
Speaker 2: like you need to fucking stop now, Like I'm not
Speaker 2: fucking kidding, like I'm gonna fucking come myself. You need
Speaker 2: to stop.
Speaker 1: Times like it hits a part of my brain, and
Speaker 1: then sometimes it doesn't because like like Hi, chewing gum
Speaker 1: the other day, literally, oh my god, it was driving
Speaker 1: me fucking crazy. And Josi eating his fucking carrots. He
Speaker 1: was actually eating them like a fucking child though, because
Speaker 1: he was crunching on them and chewing with his mouth
Speaker 1: really loud open, because I think he liked hearing the
Speaker 1: crunch sounds. But I couldn't do it, and it was
Speaker 1: freaking me the fuck out and chewing just like it
Speaker 1: hits a primal part of my body and brain that
Speaker 1: genuinely triggers caveman like anger. Like I want if there
Speaker 1: was a rock around me when somebody was chewing on
Speaker 1: food and it hit my brain that way, I think
Speaker 1: I would bludget them to toth.
Speaker 2: Oh, oh my god, you're fucking crazy. It's sis. It
Speaker 2: is never that deep like it is literally you know
Speaker 2: what I.
Speaker 1: Mean though, Like it's just like a.
Speaker 2: Goes like it oh, like a spot, yeah, like a blackout,
Speaker 2: like a seeing red.
Speaker 1: And I know it's such a stupid thing to get
Speaker 1: that angry over, but I genuinely can't stop it. Like
Speaker 1: it's not by choice, it just takes over me.
Speaker 2: Something else is when I'm driving and someone honks at
Speaker 2: me even if I'm in the wrong, Like I'm literally
Speaker 2: like shut the fuck up, Like you're literally like a coward.
Speaker 2: You have Napoleon complex. You're a small little man, then
Speaker 2: you need to use your big horn because you aren't
Speaker 2: hurt in your life and your wife is cheating on
Speaker 2: you and you're being cuckholded by your boss and like
Speaker 2: exactly it's crazy, Like I'm literally getting angry about it,
Speaker 2: like thinking about it, but like literally anytime I drive now,
Speaker 2: like I get road rage, but only for like thirteen
Speaker 2: thirteen seconds, like someone like I don't remember what it was,
Speaker 2: but I started chasing after them, and then I was like,
Speaker 2: what am I doing? And I'm about to miss my turns?
Speaker 2: So I got a turn. It's crazy.
Speaker 1: Oh it was that guy who you were going the
Speaker 1: speed limit and literally behind you he was tailing your
Speaker 1: ass and honking at you.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and then sped around me and Kia Soul. Oh yeah,
Speaker 2: it was a Kia Soul. I'm sorry, love, if you
Speaker 2: drive a kiasaw like sis, you're over Like it's.
Speaker 1: Hamster commercial really get you like that? How did they
Speaker 1: get you?
Speaker 4: Wait?
Speaker 2: Those commercials are actually.
Speaker 1: So you were lit but then like you were into
Speaker 1: it and all it took was blinking your eyes once
Speaker 1: to realize you were watching cgi hamsters dance around a
Speaker 1: tiny car.
Speaker 2: Yeah. You know what other commercials like ingrained in my
Speaker 2: brain forever. The Gatorade commercials where they were sweating gatorade
Speaker 2: out of their pores. Like some of the hardest like
Speaker 2: commercial graphics ever. I've been like obsessed with like promotional
Speaker 2: campaigns recently, Like obviously we all know the kill Bill campaign,
Speaker 2: like slashing blood, sprang all all over the wall, like
Speaker 2: that vibe, like creative, Like I think it was like
Speaker 2: Coca Cola that did like showers. No, no, no, it
Speaker 2: was Sprite maybe or vitamin water, but like basically they
Speaker 2: went they built like showers at a beach that were
Speaker 2: shaped like fountain sodas like you know, and they were
Speaker 2: showers that you push a button and it rains on you.
Speaker 2: And it was a promotional campaign for like Sprite or something.
Speaker 2: Literally love gorilla marketing.
Speaker 1: I love the what's the other one? There was like
Speaker 1: a it's like a Mercedes. One was a BMW. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's like you start going fast enough, then you'll look
Speaker 1: like us. And it was like the Mercedes logo spinning
Speaker 1: fast enough that it looked like a BMW logo was
Speaker 1: on one and had to have done a little bit
Speaker 1: of mess Yeah, because what the fuck are you talking about?
Speaker 2: How did you conceive that? Genuinely?
Speaker 1: What are we talking about right now?
Speaker 2: Also just like that BMW Mercedes like mutual symbiotic beef,
Speaker 2: public beef, but behind the closed doors, like everybody's winning
Speaker 2: was so sick, literally so sick.
Speaker 1: Well, I keep thinking about all the weird ship that
Speaker 1: happened in middle school that I have kind of talked to.
Speaker 1: I talked tot, but I need to talk about again.
Speaker 1: And I was just thinking about, like my first kiss
Speaker 1: the other day, like my first proper makeout kiss. What
Speaker 1: you've never made out with someone?
Speaker 2: Absolutely fucking not are.
Speaker 1: Saving yourselfs on that? Yes, okay, if I'm a slut,
Speaker 1: you're a freak.
Speaker 2: What now I'm a holy man? I'm a holy man.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I know some holes.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I got fucking gaping holes?
Speaker 1: Was it you? But if you've heard this story, just
Speaker 1: fucking listen to it again. I don't fucking care.
Speaker 2: But me us to each other after every fucking story ever,
Speaker 2: thirty six times, we have these same conversations every single
Speaker 2: fucking day. It's really really crazy.
Speaker 1: The only new things are like mic drops of the
Speaker 1: really sad, dark shit that's happened in our life where
Speaker 1: we're just guys. Sorry, it's your last day.
Speaker 2: This is June thirteenth, the last day I'm hitting this.
Speaker 2: This will probably come out two or three weeks after
Speaker 2: the fact. I'm not hitting this anymore. I was aware
Speaker 2: I'm holding it down. It's for my beautiful mother. Happy
Speaker 2: birthday to you, and we don't want to get a
Speaker 2: copywritten strike love you, Mom, Happy Birthday. My mom listens
Speaker 2: to every single episode of me talking about spraying shit
Speaker 2: and poop out of my buttt and farts.
Speaker 1: Well, my parents don't, which is like actually kind of sad,
Speaker 1: but I guess my mom literally wouldn't understand. Yeah, like
Speaker 1: what is she going to be listening for? But I
Speaker 1: just wanted to, Yeah, I wanted to reiterate my first kiss.
Speaker 1: And if you've heard it, I'm sorry because I have
Speaker 1: told it like eight times because it's actually probably the
Speaker 1: funniest story ever to me. So it was like six
Speaker 1: or seventh grade and I was just started to date
Speaker 1: this kid because for Valentine's Day. Okay, I mean, like
Speaker 1: it's only natural.
Speaker 2: Mm hmmm, it's natural for men today.
Speaker 1: Oh, I mean, okay, he courted me.
Speaker 2: I didn't court him, okay, but you still pursued it.
Speaker 1: But also me saying courted over seventh grade like foolishness. Okay,
Speaker 1: So setting in the scene, it's like six nth grade
Speaker 1: take cares on the radio all the fucking time. You
Speaker 1: already know the vibes. The vibes are elite for Valentine's Day.
Speaker 1: He gets me this really big thing like seventh grade.
Speaker 2: I think your first kids the seventh grade. Holy shit,
Speaker 2: I actually do think it.
Speaker 1: Was sixth grade, but I don't remember, like because I'm
Speaker 1: not a fucking loser, like I lost my first kiss
Speaker 1: really fucking easy. Actually never damn sorry, keep going on
Speaker 1: something else. Wow, your virginity, not my virginity. I did
Speaker 1: lose my virginity when I was eighteen. Wow, because I
Speaker 1: am a law abiding citizen.
Speaker 2: I lost mine to a thirty something year old when
Speaker 2: I was sixteen. I wish that was a joke. I
Speaker 2: know it's not military vibes.
Speaker 1: Sure, that's what I was gonna say. I was going
Speaker 1: to say something.
Speaker 2: And I lied and said I was joining the army too.
Speaker 1: Oh, you are a part of the army.
Speaker 2: We'll tell that story another day.
Speaker 1: Yeah, one day, one day, coming soon, but whatever, we
Speaker 1: start dating on Valentine's Day. This is just a cute
Speaker 1: thing to mention. I was really into Palmer Clay during
Speaker 1: the time, so I made him and he was like
Speaker 1: his cousins and him were all like graph writers, and
Speaker 1: he would right his name with the Superman S. So
Speaker 1: I made him a Superman logo.
Speaker 2: He's such a toy, Yeah, a toy.
Speaker 1: He's like, not really about it. But I made him
Speaker 1: a Superman logo pendant and gave him a necklace with
Speaker 1: that pendant on it. That's so cute for Valentine's Day,
Speaker 1: and he probably got in was like, bitch, I do
Speaker 1: not want to wear this because he never wore.
Speaker 2: But it's like exposing himself.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's like embarrassing too. It's just too much. But
Speaker 1: that was my cute gift. And while I was making it,
Speaker 1: take cares playing and I was like I would take
Speaker 1: care of him. I was like, I literally would take
Speaker 1: care of it.
Speaker 2: I wish I had that feeling.
Speaker 1: It's crazy you've had it once and then it blew
Speaker 1: up in your face and like set your life on fire.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's not even there. Also, it's not even that
Speaker 2: like my walls are built up. It's just like no
Speaker 2: one is intriguing.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I feel like you're also at the age
Speaker 1: now where you know so many cool people, so finding
Speaker 1: someone is like only harder. Does that make sense? I
Speaker 1: feel like when you get all the dating shit out young,
Speaker 1: it's like Okay, I know what I like. I know
Speaker 1: what I don't like, Like easy said and done and
Speaker 1: then and you're used to like the game of it,
Speaker 1: so you can date really easy, but since you haven't,
Speaker 1: it's like too much to just jump in with a
Speaker 1: random Yeah that feels crazy, I feel I bet no.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm like, why would I literally ever do that?
Speaker 1: Why would I do that when I know some of
Speaker 1: the close.
Speaker 2: People, like genuinely I have like more than enough love
Speaker 2: from the people that I surround myself with that like
Speaker 2: I will literally just have sex with people when I
Speaker 2: need it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, when your urges.
Speaker 2: Yeah, when my primary urg.
Speaker 1: But that is besides the point. That was just a
Speaker 1: cute thing. So we're dating for I don't remember how long,
Speaker 1: but we were all friends with the same people. And
Speaker 1: our mutual close friend I'll just say I think this
Speaker 1: was this was her nicknames, I'll just say it. Our
Speaker 1: mutual friend c C was like, y'all like need to
Speaker 1: make out, like you haven't made out yet, And I
Speaker 1: was like, I know, but I'm just like nervous, like
Speaker 1: I don't want to make out, Like I don't know,
Speaker 1: I don't know, I don't know. She's like, oh, my god,
Speaker 1: like everybody wants to make out, you need to make
Speaker 1: out with him. And I was like, okay, fine, like
Speaker 1: I'll fucking make out with him, which is like such
Speaker 1: a funny conversation be happening in the middle of what
Speaker 1: like English class? What the fuck are we talking about?
Speaker 1: And so I didn't have the same class with him.
Speaker 1: I had like a band's class, while they had you
Speaker 1: were in band like history. Uh no, not by like choice,
Speaker 1: They just like had us in a musical class. I
Speaker 1: never touched a fucking instrument in my life. Nerd. Okay, well,
Speaker 1: I was a slut, so I couldn't have been a nerd,
Speaker 1: but I guess I was like a nerdy slut. Hybrid
Speaker 1: you were bad teachers, Yeah, I was like hybrid the stone.
Speaker 1: But basically they told me to skip class because all
Speaker 1: his friends were in his class. So I skipped class
Speaker 1: while they had lunch and went to the whole way
Speaker 1: while they they all came back from lunch early so
Speaker 1: they could watch us make out. And I stood in
Speaker 1: the hallway with this kid and made out with him
Speaker 1: while all our friends stood around us and watched, Like
Speaker 1: the weirdest shit ever. They all just stood around and
Speaker 1: watched it sucked balls, he got spit all over my face.
Speaker 1: I was so uncomfortable. I fucking hated it.
Speaker 2: It was so weird when you know, like that post
Speaker 2: like makeout, dried spitch.
Speaker 1: No, literally like wiping my mouth on my sleeve. I
Speaker 1: was like, okay, and I just backed up. And then
Speaker 1: their teacher came to like let them in the room
Speaker 1: and looked at me and was like, Andy, you don't
Speaker 1: have this class right now. I was like, oh, my
Speaker 1: teacher let me like come in whatever. And then she
Speaker 1: like looked at us all and she was like, what
Speaker 1: were y'all doing? And I was like, we weren't doing anything,
Speaker 1: and then proceeded to give us a lecture, like a
Speaker 1: really religious lecture about how you should be dating to Mary.
Speaker 1: People don't date for fun. You date to Mary to
Speaker 1: find your significant other, but the rest of your life
Speaker 1: you dating is a fun activity. You're supposed to be
Speaker 1: doing it to lock it down. And she looked at
Speaker 1: me and she was like, do you want to bet
Speaker 1: with him for the rest of your life? And I
Speaker 1: was like, I don't know, because I was literally in
Speaker 1: fucking like six or seventh grade. I was like And
Speaker 1: then she sent me to the Vice Prince and I
Speaker 1: got what PET for skipping class. So she not only
Speaker 1: did she ruin my vibe, she was literally a boner kill.
Speaker 2: Yeah, she ruined the vibe.
Speaker 1: And she sent me to what my school called PET,
Speaker 1: which was physical torture and I had to do crab
Speaker 1: walks in the hot sun for a lame ass kiss.
Speaker 1: But the funniest part is after doing all that, I
Speaker 1: go home and my friend Cec calls me. She's like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, we didn't get to talk, like how
Speaker 1: was it? And I was just like, oh, yeah, it
Speaker 1: was so good, Like it was literally the best. It
Speaker 1: was more than I could have ever expected, Like it
Speaker 1: was so fucking good. And she's like, oh my god.
Speaker 1: Good because he's on the line. Bitch, Now what if
Speaker 1: I told you that shit sucked?
Speaker 2: Oh my god.
Speaker 1: She's like, here, I'll get off so y'all can talk
Speaker 1: to each other. I was like oh, and then she
Speaker 1: just like left us on the phone and I was
Speaker 1: just standing away though I know, I was just standing
Speaker 1: with the family phone that anybody in my house could
Speaker 1: pick up at any moment and hear my fucking conversation,
Speaker 1: which we need to bring that back because that kind
Speaker 1: of like dropping his top tier. But then I just
Speaker 1: stood there awkwardly, like I don't even know what we
Speaker 1: talked about. I think he was like, hey, like, how
Speaker 1: was the rest of your day? And I told my
Speaker 1: dad pet and he'd be like, oh, I'm so sorry,
Speaker 1: and then it was kind of silent.
Speaker 2: Then wait, so you got Pete and he didn't.
Speaker 1: No, he didn't because he wasn't skipping class, so he.
Speaker 2: Was fine because of the No, it wasn't because of
Speaker 2: the kiss.
Speaker 1: I think it was both. I think she was st
Speaker 1: shaming me and being like, damn girl, you're missing your
Speaker 1: education for some misogyny, yeah, for some bad kissing, And
Speaker 1: I was like yes. And then we did break up
Speaker 1: soon after that. And then my next boyfriend was a
Speaker 1: good kisser, and we would make out all the time
Speaker 1: in the hallways, and I was one of those.
Speaker 2: People, you're so nicety.
Speaker 5: One of those people who literally, like in the middle
Speaker 5: of classes would be making seventh grade boyfriend in the
Speaker 5: middle of the hallway and and then oh, my.
Speaker 2: God, you've always loved your love.
Speaker 1: I have a problem and I really need attention.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah. My first kiss was at the Justin Bieber documentary.
Speaker 1: In the movie the answer, I was like, well, you
Speaker 1: got to go to a Justin Bieber concert.
Speaker 2: No, no, no, but I told everyone I was selling
Speaker 2: fake tickets to it to a Justin Bieber concert.
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, well what happens, Like how did you land
Speaker 1: your smooch at the Justin Bieber documentary?
Speaker 2: I literally turned and was like and we kissed and
Speaker 2: that was it, and then we sat like this the
Speaker 2: rest of the mote. I'm not joking. It was so awkward.
Speaker 2: And that's one of those things like that, No, for real,
Speaker 2: that's one of those things to this day that I'm
Speaker 2: still like humiliated by. It was just that moment. I
Speaker 2: don't know why. It was so scary to me. There's
Speaker 2: like a couple of moments that happened like in high
Speaker 2: school that I'm just like, oh, my fucking god, like
Speaker 2: why did I do that? And then one of them
Speaker 2: like I called you about like freaking the fuck out yeah,
Speaker 2: which was like literally the one of the craziest.
Speaker 1: That is like actually insane.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's not even embarrassing, it's just like it is.
Speaker 2: But it's also like just mean.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's more so just like mean spirited and wrong.
Speaker 2: Yeah, guys, I was hate crimed. I watched your face
Speaker 2: like I wish I was joking.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's not funny.
Speaker 2: I'm sorry, No, no, no, it's it's funny.
Speaker 1: I can only laugh. Yeah, no one tells me anything
Speaker 1: for Actually, I think I am good with sympathy, but
Speaker 1: for the most part, if it's crazy, I have to
Speaker 1: laugh first, and then I'm like, I'm actually sorry, that's
Speaker 1: really fucked up, and I'll go into my empathy. But
Speaker 1: life is too crazy.
Speaker 4: That shit is like actually literally, it's actually so funny
Speaker 4: and like insane, like the circumstances of it all and
Speaker 4: just like really fucking weird, so.
Speaker 1: Ass backwards, like you doing the right thing turning into
Speaker 1: that is so. I think that's what makes it comic.
Speaker 1: Coal is you were being like, I'm one of the
Speaker 1: nice guys.
Speaker 2: No literally, I was like, no, we can't be doing this,
Speaker 2: we can't be doing this, and then.
Speaker 1: It bit you're nass and that goes to show that's
Speaker 1: why you should be evil.
Speaker 2: I know, that's why men are evil.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's women's fault usually.
Speaker 2: Yes. Yes.
Speaker 1: Also I'm a little sick because we went to see
Speaker 1: Janet Jackson. I got my way. We went to see
Speaker 1: it was the best night of my life. But these
Speaker 1: women gave me a full glass of wine, and because
Speaker 1: I have issues and if something's in my hand, I
Speaker 1: can't not have it. On the way out, I was
Speaker 1: feeling pretty fine, but then I chugged it on the
Speaker 1: way out because I'm fucking crazy. And by the time
Speaker 1: we got down the hill, I felt so drunk and
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, now I'm drunk, and I was
Speaker 1: asking random people for cigarettes, And after screaming to Janet
Speaker 1: all night and smoking, I fucked my throat up. And
Speaker 1: it's not the first time I fucked it up, but.
Speaker 2: Ill WHOA, Well, this is one of the only notes
Speaker 2: I have taken. If God ends up being real and
Speaker 2: I go to Hell, I'm literally going to freak the
Speaker 2: fuck out, like at the end, and I literally am
Speaker 2: like going to hell. Like no, I'm a good person.
Speaker 1: So that's why I'm saying, like I'm a good.
Speaker 2: Person and I'm a spiritual person. I like believe in
Speaker 2: something like he's just not giving me enough fuck or
Speaker 2: it is not giving me enough fucking proof to like
Speaker 2: no if it's real or not.
Speaker 1: Like but also it's like the whole idea of like
Speaker 1: okay and God bless anybody who like is an overachiever
Speaker 1: in their faith. Like this isn't to discredit it, but
Speaker 1: it's kind of like the idea of the overachievers in
Speaker 1: high school. Like I'm sorry to use you as a
Speaker 1: fucking yeah like example, but this motherfucker got straight A's
Speaker 1: really thought he was gonna be a doctor. Look at
Speaker 1: where he's at. He's sitting here talking about his gaping.
Speaker 2: Hole and farting like smoking a rotten puff bar.
Speaker 1: Yeah, like you, just you. And that's why I feel
Speaker 1: about practicing your faith in real life. In the the ends,
Speaker 1: people will go to prove that they are good enough
Speaker 1: and worthy enough to be accepted into this place. I'm
Speaker 1: my girl, there's so much actual evil shit you could
Speaker 1: be doing. Trust and believe you can kiss somebody before
Speaker 1: you get married and you will get in nice.
Speaker 2: Oh for real. Also like also that you're.
Speaker 1: So close with them texting when you get.
Speaker 2: There, perh No, it's really crazy. And like just so
Speaker 2: I love this saying there's no hate like Christian love
Speaker 2: or something like that, Like have you heard that there's
Speaker 2: no No, it's just so real. No, But genuinely, I'm like,
Speaker 2: there's such a hateful persons like I don't want to
Speaker 2: align with that. I do have like faith in something
Speaker 2: I don't know what the fuck it is, but like
Speaker 2: organized religion one is a big fucking scam, enough finesse
Speaker 2: and really fucking scary, and like I've seen what it
Speaker 2: does to people and how it just like rips apart
Speaker 2: their families, and I've seen it like destroy people's psychees
Speaker 2: and they work great, great, genuinely kind people, and then
Speaker 2: like I've seen them just go down this rabbit hole
Speaker 2: of conspiracy like anti gay, like just all this really
Speaker 2: really gnarly bad shit that just like is so fucking
Speaker 2: heartbreaking to witness, and it's all for what, like a
Speaker 2: Bible that isn't fucking true that was written. Probably That's
Speaker 2: the other crazy fucking part about the Bible is it
Speaker 2: has been translated a billion fucking times, and like literally
Speaker 2: go on Google Translate and translate like I like sucking
Speaker 2: ass to Spanish and then fucking put it back into English,
Speaker 2: Like it doesn't work. It's not real.
Speaker 1: Also, if the thing you believe so heavily in has
Speaker 1: such a costly effect of negativity towards so many people,
Speaker 1: I just don't understand how that doesn't make you step
Speaker 1: back from it and reconsider the values of this thing
Speaker 1: you believe in. And I understand, yeah, I understand that,
Speaker 1: like people need something, everyone needs something. I'm so sure
Speaker 1: that if I didn't have like the love and affection
Speaker 1: I have from you guys and my family and my
Speaker 1: love life and like like the successes I've had, I
Speaker 1: would have to turn to something, and that might be religion,
Speaker 1: it might be something like more negative whatever, and they
Speaker 1: are more negative things to turn to. But when your
Speaker 1: religion literally starts making it that you're on your iPhone
Speaker 1: screaming into your iPhone chomp, oh your the rainbow on it,
Speaker 1: something something is really something is really rare.
Speaker 2: Got lost in translation actually for real. But I don't know,
Speaker 2: I like deconstructed my faith like when I was like
Speaker 2: fifteen fourteen or fifteen in it was like literally one
Speaker 2: of the scariest, hardest moments of my life. And now
Speaker 2: I am existing as my own God. Oh kind of
Speaker 2: not in like a delusional.
Speaker 1: Like a delusional like scar way, but like.
Speaker 2: In a way where I'm like, oh, I'm like star
Speaker 2: dust and I'm like ninety nine point nine percent empty space,
Speaker 2: and like none of this really actually exists. Once you're dead,
Speaker 2: so like live it up, bade live it up.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I just I also think I got lucky that
Speaker 1: I didn't grow up in a super religious household. Like
Speaker 1: my parents are definitely religious. My parents believe in God,
Speaker 1: but they've never pushed or implied any of the rules
Speaker 1: and kind of gnarly ideology that came along with it.
Speaker 1: I was never told like God is watching, or like
Speaker 1: same you'll repent or like whatever. Like I was never
Speaker 1: told I would like pay for my sins. Like I
Speaker 1: was just taught basic moral ground rulings that parents teach
Speaker 1: their kids, like don't lie, don't do this, don't do that,
Speaker 1: but it was never followed like and if you do
Speaker 1: do that, you're gonna burn an eternity for all of
Speaker 1: your life. So enjoy your fun while you have it.
Speaker 2: I guess exactly. My so crazy my family was like
Speaker 2: the exact same way, where they were just like you
Speaker 2: can do whatever the fuck you want, which is the
Speaker 2: sickest way to raise your children, and like if they
Speaker 2: want to go to church, support it, if they don't
Speaker 2: want to support it. It was so sick, and they
Speaker 2: raised me so well, look at me, I'm talking about
Speaker 2: my gaping buttthole on a podcast right now, you raised
Speaker 2: perfectly no, but genuinely, and then like fuck, what was
Speaker 2: I going to say? What were you just talking about?
Speaker 3: Oh?
Speaker 2: Like the reason why I was like indoctrinated into this
Speaker 2: shit was because I grew up in the fucking Bible
Speaker 2: Belt in South fucking Texas. Like whatever, it's like.
Speaker 1: Bound to happen when that's the community around it.
Speaker 2: My harsh reality was finding out geographically Texas is not
Speaker 2: really the South, but I mean it is, like hello,
Speaker 2: like that.
Speaker 1: I feel like culturally it is so now what But yeah,
Speaker 1: religion is really intense and if you are religious, this
Speaker 1: is not to bash you take it like that, please,
Speaker 1: because I do save me.
Speaker 2: I'm not joking. Save me.
Speaker 1: I will say I've always felt this, like I genuinely
Speaker 1: wish I had a connection to it because I feel
Speaker 1: like it would calm a lot of the anxieties I have.
Speaker 1: But instead I got a therapist who actually texted me
Speaker 1: the other day, WHOA, I have to text her back,
Speaker 1: but it's crazy, like I don't know, Like we were
Speaker 1: making jokes like she needs that fucking check, she's missing
Speaker 1: a patient. But I actually do have like such a
Speaker 1: good relationship with her, and it is crazy because I
Speaker 1: was just two nice before going on an emotional sobbing
Speaker 1: tangent about how I need to finally see a psychiatrist
Speaker 1: and something's wrong with me and I'm never gonna be
Speaker 1: normal because I'm twenty four, like in Chune towards twenty five,
Speaker 1: and I still feel the same way I did when
Speaker 1: I was fourteen, but.
Speaker 2: So scary.
Speaker 1: It doesn't change.
Speaker 2: Just wait till you turn twenty five and you realize that.
Speaker 1: Oh you think I'm making it to twenty.
Speaker 2: Five, I'll make you make it to twenty five.
Speaker 1: Sorry, I'm gonna get up for one second to get water.
Speaker 2: No, I need water too. Women don't get wet? What
Speaker 2: women don't get wet?
Speaker 1: You've never made a woman wet?
Speaker 2: M that's all a myth. Okay. I wanted to play
Speaker 2: f Mary Kill, but I don't know with who. I
Speaker 2: just have f Mary Kill written down.
Speaker 1: Okay, I'm gonna give the three people. Oh okay, Tati,
Speaker 1: Shane Dawson or jeffree Star.
Speaker 2: Oh wow, wasn't that a good one?
Speaker 1: I do want gonna get mine because I already know. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm marrying Tati. I'm fucking Jeffrey I'm killing Shane Dawson.
Speaker 2: Hm hm, I might switch Jeffrey and Shane.
Speaker 1: WHOA, that's crazy. I guess like neither are like the
Speaker 1: most viable. Okay, Jeffrey stars on TikTok doing TikTok's life battle.
Speaker 1: So crazy, something crazy has shifted.
Speaker 2: In the universe, funneling bunneling money from his fans into
Speaker 2: his bank account.
Speaker 1: He needs it.
Speaker 2: It's so crazy. I hope that money is being donated
Speaker 2: or like, I don't know what the fuck that money
Speaker 2: goes to, because when we get tipped, we don't get
Speaker 2: the money. So I'm like his TikTok is getting I
Speaker 2: don't know, the whole tipping culture on TikTok is really
Speaker 2: really crazy. With that said, me and Andiel are gonna
Speaker 2: be battling on TikTok. Please donate to please donate to me. Okay,
Speaker 2: f Mary kill Orian Josh Josiah.
Speaker 1: Whoa, Okay, well I'm marrying Oriyan Dude. This is gross.
Speaker 1: This is like so gross. But I'm having sex with
Speaker 1: Josh and I'm killing Josiah.
Speaker 2: Wow, because yeah, because I I think Lucas killed me.
Speaker 1: Like I can't imagine Josiah like Josiah and you genuinely
Speaker 1: don't have genitals, and I don't want to know if
Speaker 1: you do.
Speaker 2: Okay, but I have jin tolls. Let me tell you
Speaker 2: about it. Also before this episode ends, because we literally
Speaker 2: have to run, like we have to leave right now.
Speaker 2: Let's do a love compatibility test between us.
Speaker 1: Wha wait? Is that the thing that's like when like
Speaker 1: you would put justin Bieber's name in.
Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly. Oh wow, So I'm gonna do.
Speaker 3: The love calculator. Oh love cambility names tests?
Speaker 1: What is it? Okay, it has to be more than that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's not chill. Yeah, taking the last name.
Speaker 1: Okay, okay, okay, science there oh wow.
Speaker 3: Wow.
Speaker 2: Right below that, when I'm talking about my babe over here,
Speaker 2: I get an ami gay quiz. This is crazy.
Speaker 1: You should take that. We'll do that for another opiod.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we'll do that for patreons.
Speaker 1: We'll do the the gate. There's like the gay quiz
Speaker 1: and then the like morality scaled.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and also like there's another one.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, that's wrong with you. You know what
Speaker 1: I will say, Drew, is you're looking very masculine, Like
Speaker 1: something in my primal body is like like I'm like, hey.
Speaker 2: Is that that's the same for you. I'm talking to you.
Speaker 2: I heard your heart flutter, I heard your heart fart.
Speaker 1: It's crazy because there was other like stories from high
Speaker 1: school that I wanted to tell that are like sometimes
Speaker 1: just too much. Oh, actually I'll tell this one from
Speaker 1: middle school that I am very aware is a gnarly
Speaker 1: fucking story. I'm very aware. Actually, I literally can.
Speaker 2: It can't be worse than me spray painting a kid.
Speaker 2: Oh it is, no, it's not I spray painted a kid.
Speaker 1: Well, it's worse because it's like we were literally kids.
Speaker 1: So this is crazy. But one time during my dating
Speaker 1: the like popular guy who was a really good kisser
Speaker 1: who we would like make out in the hallways with.
Speaker 1: I was walking to lunch with everybody and you had
Speaker 1: to walk past the band room to get to like
Speaker 1: the lunch room to the cafeteria. And this kid, I'll
Speaker 1: just call him Jay, was holding the door do cat Yeah,
Speaker 1: Jaceyson Dojaka at the door and Jay was like, and yeah,
Speaker 1: come here, open this door. And I was like, what's
Speaker 1: behind the door and he was like, Nah, you're a pussy,
Speaker 1: you don't want to open the door. I was like,
Speaker 1: what's behind the fucking door. I'm not a fucking pussy,
Speaker 1: and he was like, open the door, like, I dare
Speaker 1: you to open the door. Have I said it on
Speaker 1: the podcast?
Speaker 2: Okay, just finish it.
Speaker 1: I opened the door and there were two kids engaging
Speaker 1: who I knew, engaging in sexual acts behind the door,
Speaker 1: and everybody had ran up behind me to see it.
Speaker 1: And I felt so bad because I was friends with
Speaker 1: the girl and the guy, but I was really close friends,
Speaker 1: close friends when I was friends with the girl, and
Speaker 1: I felt so bad, and she knew how to fight,
Speaker 1: so I was like, I'm gonna get my ass.
Speaker 2: It's all the tiktoks and the snatchats.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's all the like do dad games, the devices?
Speaker 2: Yeah, but yeah.
Speaker 1: And then I was up to no good. I was
Speaker 1: up to no good talking about the Thorne.
Speaker 2: Good cake but yeah.
Speaker 1: And then after she was like I apologized to her
Speaker 1: because I felt like I had exposed her.
Speaker 2: And she was just she was me and I played
Speaker 2: want to break a kid's ankles? Expose them?
Speaker 1: All?
Speaker 3: Right?
Speaker 2: Well, that concludes this episode. Let's give a couple of
Speaker 2: medias and move on. Okay. Flashcannon Casanova by Yabujin night
Speaker 2: Walker sick Boy rari O you Da by Ahmad al
Speaker 2: Shari I think, really pretty song. And then I'm gonna
Speaker 2: watch the new BlackBerry movie. Oh yeah, we need to
Speaker 2: do that very soon because I'm excited a f about it.
Speaker 1: Well, my media of the week is Simple Kind of
Speaker 1: Life by no doubt. I'm the Sky Norma Tanega Don't
Speaker 1: be Afraid.
Speaker 2: That was like, oh the way that your feel, don't
Speaker 2: be afraid.
Speaker 1: And then Muskrat Love Muskrat Candlelight by Willis Allen Ramsey.
Speaker 1: That song makes me feel so nice, so so so
Speaker 1: so nice, and then yeah, that's it for media. That's
Speaker 1: fucking Thank you guys so much for watching.
Speaker 2: Sorry for the short episode. We've been stacking episodes because
Speaker 2: we're gone for a month and a half. Also by
Speaker 2: our merch
Speaker 1: Mm hmm.