Speaker 1: Welcome to Stuff to Blow your Mind, a production of
Speaker 1: My Heart Radio Good Evening. My name is doctor Anton Jess,
Speaker 1: traveler adventure, former horror host and professor of monster studies.
Speaker 1: Here at the University, I'm joining you once more via
Speaker 1: dubbed VHS tape from the university basement. I can hear
Speaker 1: the muffled sounds of the faculty Christmas party through the
Speaker 1: ventilation system, as well as the slow but relentless movements
Speaker 1: of the creature which lives in the vents. But no bother.
Speaker 1: It's their time to cut loose and to celebrate, even
Speaker 1: if the sounds of karaoke draw the monster ever closer
Speaker 1: to the kill. Down here in the basement, my assistant
Speaker 1: Maxwell and I are meanwhile having our own holiday get
Speaker 1: together and are once more considering some listener. Mayor Maxwell
Speaker 1: has selected only the best letters and telegrams from the basket,
Speaker 1: just those inquiries pertaining to monstrous biology and belief. The
Speaker 1: rest have been crafted into a paper machee golem who
Speaker 1: will monitor the air, vince and ring the bell should
Speaker 1: they be breached by the creature. But enough about that,
Speaker 1: let's get on to the mail. This first one comes
Speaker 1: to us from Matt from Toronto. Matt writes, Dear doctor Jessup,
Speaker 1: I am in a holiday predicament which I am hoping
Speaker 1: that you can assist with. I have been invited to
Speaker 1: a holiday gathering by the Weightlays of Dunwich and am
Speaker 1: having trouble deciding on an appropriate gift for the hosts.
Speaker 1: A bottle of wine may be appropriate for the largely
Speaker 1: anthropomorphic family members, but I am unsure if it would
Speaker 1: be suitable for those with a more ill dric anatomy.
Speaker 1: What does etiquette dictate when dealing with their holiday gathering
Speaker 1: of both human and non human entities? Your experience would
Speaker 1: be most welcome, Sincerely, Matt from Toronto. Well, Matt from Toronto,
Speaker 1: I'm glad you asked. Yes, a bottle of wine is
Speaker 1: generally a good choice so long as the recipients can
Speaker 1: and should imbibe personally. I think a properly preserved specimen
Speaker 1: of a small goblin or hobgoblin is always a reasonable
Speaker 1: choice as well. It looks good on a shelf, may
Speaker 1: contain gold coins upon dissection, and it's always a conversation
Speaker 1: starter at parties, stirring questions such as why do you
Speaker 1: have a pickled goblin on your shelf or should we
Speaker 1: cut it open and look for coin inside of it?
Speaker 1: Everyone wins. Next question, Grila the Christmas Witch writes in
Speaker 1: and says most esteemed Doctor Jessip. I am writing to
Speaker 1: correct a deep wrong. In recent years. I have heard
Speaker 1: growing whispers and even worship of the quite frankly attacky
Speaker 1: figure Crampus. Sure he's kind of disturbing, but I find
Speaker 1: many of his methods uninspired, and further cannot, for the
Speaker 1: life of me, figure out why he has taken off
Speaker 1: in the increasingly morbidly fascinated public. When I, Grila, am
Speaker 1: much more compelling and bewitching a Christmas nightmare. I am
Speaker 1: a Christmas witch and an ogress that lives in an
Speaker 1: Icelandic cave, the mother of monsters and the snatcher of
Speaker 1: naughty children, children that I then turn into a scrumptious stew.
Speaker 1: I control the tides of deadly winter in darkness. I
Speaker 1: once ate one of my husband's because he bored me.
Speaker 1: I feel that many monsters copied my m O. What
Speaker 1: more do I have to do to terrify those trying
Speaker 1: to make merry? How do I get my name out there?
Speaker 1: Should I have copyrighted my methods. Why does Crampus get
Speaker 1: so much more publicity? Gorilla? The Christmas which Grilla, I
Speaker 1: understand your frustration. First, we must remember that Crampus, while
Speaker 1: a friend of the show, has always appealed to the masses.
Speaker 1: He is a beast of the people, ready to run
Speaker 1: through the streets from pub to pub with the whole
Speaker 1: tongue wagging thing and all. He's he's crass, He's vulgar,
Speaker 1: and the people love him for it. I personally think
Speaker 1: the problem is that the typical modern horror motion picture,
Speaker 1: the preferred source of scares for the common man, has
Speaker 1: shifted too far away from visceral terror and now appeals
Speaker 1: more to the psyche and to the emotions. As such,
Speaker 1: the average viewer is starved for such fair and likely
Speaker 1: to fall for any old flim flam that offers gory delights,
Speaker 1: and they gravitate to cramp as his wealth. For this reason,
Speaker 1: so I advise you to wait, wait it out, wait
Speaker 1: for the next major shift in the cinematic palette. All right,
Speaker 1: let's see about this next one. It says seasons greeting,
Speaker 1: Sir Jessop, did you know that most professionals like yourself
Speaker 1: struggle to get away and truly unplug over the holidays.
Speaker 1: When was the last time you put yourself first and
Speaker 1: allowed yourself to relax. Recently you mentioned your desire to
Speaker 1: travel the seas, where we would like to invite you
Speaker 1: to join our very special cruise to Antarctica, where we
Speaker 1: think you will be titillated by the snowy scene, the cold,
Speaker 1: icy desolation, and the slight paranoia caused by the recent
Speaker 1: mysterious arrival of an alien life form that can assume
Speaker 1: the appearance of any of those unfortunate enough to encounter
Speaker 1: it without the aid of a flame thrower. We promise
Speaker 1: a unique and exciting experience, often replicated in many popular
Speaker 1: modern games enjoyed by the youths. And we would also
Speaker 1: much appreciate your expertise when it comes to alien invasions
Speaker 1: to government installations that could result in death, the total
Speaker 1: destruction of the human race, and worse legal action. I
Speaker 1: won't say the situation is urgent per se, but haste
Speaker 1: would be ideal in handling whatever this thing is. Eagerly
Speaker 1: awaiting your reply, Doctor breha Ps, never mind, all is
Speaker 1: well here, Please visit. I am a totally normal human
Speaker 1: being who is eager to eat you, I mean, meet
Speaker 1: you well, doctor Briare. I greatly appreciate the offer, and
Speaker 1: maxwell does tell me that I do need to connect
Speaker 1: more with the youth culture. Still, I only just returned
Speaker 1: from an extended excursion to Antarctica, so I shall have
Speaker 1: to pass and hope that other researchers in my field
Speaker 1: will venture forth to have a look at this thing
Speaker 1: of yours. All right, Next message, This one says quick question. Hypothetically,
Speaker 1: if I kidnapped a prominent mystical holiday figure, say Santa Claus,
Speaker 1: and who surped his holiday and then delivered ghoulish toys
Speaker 1: to children and made a nightmare out of Christmas, am
Speaker 1: I the jerk? Hypothetically the Pumpkin King? Dear Pumpkin King,
Speaker 1: I would be careful about messing with such a prominent
Speaker 1: elf and minor deity as Santa Claus. Believe me, I
Speaker 1: would absolutely love to study his bizarre steeds that the
Speaker 1: human mind can only process is some manner of year,
Speaker 1: as well as the machine elves that serve him. But
Speaker 1: at last, his powers are too great for me, and
Speaker 1: perhaps even too great for a regal gourd such as yourself.
Speaker 1: So proceed with caution. He is more dangerous than you
Speaker 1: might imagine. This next one comes to us from a
Speaker 1: Christmas Grench, not the Christmas Grench again friend of the show.
Speaker 1: This particular author writes, not really sure who to reach
Speaker 1: out to about this, but I'm hoping you can help
Speaker 1: me with a time sensitive manner. A few Christmases ago,
Speaker 1: I noticed a horrible odor emanating from the chimney. Turns
Speaker 1: out my father, in an attempt at holiday cheer, had
Speaker 1: done to Santa suit and tried to wriggle down the chimney. Unfortunately,
Speaker 1: he got stuck and perished, tragically scarring me for life.
Speaker 1: I cannot emphasize enough that the smell was what alerted
Speaker 1: us that something was amiss. Suffist say, the holidays can
Speaker 1: be a tough time for me, and I am somewhat
Speaker 1: of a grinch anyway. I've been attempting to overcome this
Speaker 1: trying event, but my boyfriend's cute pet has presented another
Speaker 1: problem this holiday season. It seems that if it eats it,
Speaker 1: being the pet, after midnight, it multiplies and it's sweet
Speaker 1: nature is replaced by a mischievous bad boy persona very
Speaker 1: reptilian in nature. Complete with corresponding outfits. Much chaos has
Speaker 1: been left in their wake. Water and sunlight have interesting
Speaker 1: effects on this creature. Wondering if you have any information
Speaker 1: on any other creatures with similarities. In a related vein,
Speaker 1: a friend of mine's dad died tragically and is now
Speaker 1: cursed to be a snowman traumatized a Christmas Grinch, where
Speaker 1: the creatures you mentioned here, Mr Grinch are quite fascinating,
Speaker 1: and of course they do flect the importance of water
Speaker 1: and in in various terrestrial creatures creatures of the natural world.
Speaker 1: There's also a lot to say about them concerning the
Speaker 1: role of water scarcity in the anatomies and behaviors of
Speaker 1: many creatures. But I have great news for you. In general,
Speaker 1: your aversion to the holidays can actually be somewhat solved
Speaker 1: via your boyfriend's new pet. While the strange rules concerning
Speaker 1: the creatures biology might seem limiting, especially if you find
Speaker 1: yourself in a small town environment, the possibility is absolutely
Speaker 1: open up if you venture into a major metropolitan area.
Speaker 1: Travel to say New York City, and you'll find not
Speaker 1: only a robust arts scene, but also the necessary infrastructure
Speaker 1: to allow the creatures to multiply and cause mayham without
Speaker 1: getting so out of control is to cause the downfall
Speaker 1: of civilization. If you need assistance, I can refer you
Speaker 1: to a colleague of mine in the city one, doctor
Speaker 1: Cushion Gatherater. Next question, this one comes to us from Malla.
Speaker 1: Mama writes Raw. I'm writing concerning a frequently misunderstood holiday,
Speaker 1: literally called Life Day. People frequently recoil in horror and
Speaker 1: disgust when I mentioned my beloved celebration of freedom. Admittedly
Speaker 1: it does involve somewhat inappropriate gifts, bizarre, haunting and improbable
Speaker 1: musical in cartoon numbers, walking inexplicably in space, red robes,
Speaker 1: malfunctioning cyborgs, and of course the vague sense that your
Speaker 1: life is flashing before your eyes. But it is a
Speaker 1: cause for celebration, not fear. I implore you to spread
Speaker 1: the truth about Life Day and assure all gentle beings
Speaker 1: it is nothing to be afraid of, nothing months to
Speaker 1: us about it at all. Woof, woof, Mala, Well, Mala,
Speaker 1: your winter festival sounds fascinating, especially the part about malfunctioning cyborgs.
Speaker 1: I'm not sure how successful it can be, However, if
Speaker 1: it is not monstrous. After all, the best holidays have
Speaker 1: monsters of some form of supernatural being. Though perhaps you're
Speaker 1: just not telling me everything. Here is another one. This
Speaker 1: one comes to us from Humbug in advance Sleepless in London.
Speaker 1: Dr Jesser, curious if you know about ghosts that haunt
Speaker 1: and guilt trip you to make you see the quote
Speaker 1: unquote error of your ways and quote unquote field a
Speaker 1: holiday spirit. I've been terrorized by memories of my past
Speaker 1: and threats of eternal damnation when I just want a
Speaker 1: decent night's rest, to earn a modest living, and to
Speaker 1: be left alone. Is it possible there is more of
Speaker 1: gravy than of the grave going on here. I'm talking
Speaker 1: about food poisoning. If that wasn't clear, Humbug and advanced
Speaker 1: Sleepless in London. Dear Humbug, I myself am routinely visited
Speaker 1: by three time traveling ghosts every holiday. They urge me
Speaker 1: to abandon my studies, to give maxwell more time off,
Speaker 1: and of course, to become more charitable to my fellow man,
Speaker 1: as if my work were not charity enough. If your
Speaker 1: ghosts are connected to food poisoning, I'd advise checking your
Speaker 1: food stuff, so over, well before you dine and check
Speaker 1: your can labels, look for curious bulges and avoid the
Speaker 1: older stuff with possible lead contamination. And if your ghosts
Speaker 1: are more spiritual in nature, well nothing works better than
Speaker 1: a highly focused and readily polarized proton stream to electrostatically
Speaker 1: trap the negatively charged energy of a ghost. I would
Speaker 1: install these at regular intervals around you're canopied and curtained bed,
Speaker 1: and then you should be good to go have a
Speaker 1: good night's sleep. And that's all we have for this week.
Speaker 1: It's time to push stop on our recording, to send
Speaker 1: out the tape and settled in for a long winter's nap.
Speaker 1: By the time you hear this, the monster and the
Speaker 1: events will have finished its rampage. Christmas will have passed
Speaker 1: for now, but the next visitation by Santa and his
Speaker 1: various skin is just less than a year away, so
Speaker 1: watch out. This is Dr Anton Jessup saying good night
Speaker 1: and end recording. Hey everybody, this is Robert. Thanks again
Speaker 1: to Dr Anton Jessup for filling in this week, and
Speaker 1: thanks to any wreaths of stuff Mom never told you
Speaker 1: and Savor for supplying most all of these lovely fictional questions.
Speaker 1: Thanks to Max no relation to Maxwell, and j J
Speaker 1: for producing the show. Regular listener mail will return next week,
Speaker 1: but feel free to reach out to Joe Me or
Speaker 1: even Dr Anton Jessuph himself. I will forward it to
Speaker 1: him and have it transcribed onto paper or into a telegram.
Speaker 1: You can email us at contact at stuff to Blow
Speaker 1: your Mind dot com. Stuff to Blow Your Mind is
Speaker 1: production of I Heart Radio. For more podcasts for my
Speaker 1: heart Radio, visit the i heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts,
Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.