WEBVTT - More Monstrous Correspondences with Dr. Anton Jessup

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<v Speaker 1>Welcome to Stuff to Blow your Mind, a production of

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<v Speaker 1>My Heart Radio Good Evening. My name is doctor Anton Jess,

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<v Speaker 1>traveler adventure, former horror host and professor of monster studies.

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<v Speaker 1>Here at the University, I'm joining you once more via

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<v Speaker 1>dubbed VHS tape from the university basement. I can hear

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<v Speaker 1>the muffled sounds of the faculty Christmas party through the

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<v Speaker 1>ventilation system, as well as the slow but relentless movements

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<v Speaker 1>of the creature which lives in the vents. But no bother.

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<v Speaker 1>It's their time to cut loose and to celebrate, even

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<v Speaker 1>if the sounds of karaoke draw the monster ever closer

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<v Speaker 1>to the kill. Down here in the basement, my assistant

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<v Speaker 1>Maxwell and I are meanwhile having our own holiday get

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<v Speaker 1>together and are once more considering some listener. Mayor Maxwell

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<v Speaker 1>has selected only the best letters and telegrams from the basket,

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<v Speaker 1>just those inquiries pertaining to monstrous biology and belief. The

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<v Speaker 1>rest have been crafted into a paper machee golem who

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<v Speaker 1>will monitor the air, vince and ring the bell should

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<v Speaker 1>they be breached by the creature. But enough about that,

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<v Speaker 1>let's get on to the mail. This first one comes

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<v Speaker 1>to us from Matt from Toronto. Matt writes, Dear doctor Jessup,

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<v Speaker 1>I am in a holiday predicament which I am hoping

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<v Speaker 1>that you can assist with. I have been invited to

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<v Speaker 1>a holiday gathering by the Weightlays of Dunwich and am

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<v Speaker 1>having trouble deciding on an appropriate gift for the hosts.

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<v Speaker 1>A bottle of wine may be appropriate for the largely

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<v Speaker 1>anthropomorphic family members, but I am unsure if it would

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<v Speaker 1>be suitable for those with a more ill dric anatomy.

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<v Speaker 1>What does etiquette dictate when dealing with their holiday gathering

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<v Speaker 1>of both human and non human entities? Your experience would

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<v Speaker 1>be most welcome, Sincerely, Matt from Toronto. Well, Matt from Toronto,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm glad you asked. Yes, a bottle of wine is

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<v Speaker 1>generally a good choice so long as the recipients can

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<v Speaker 1>and should imbibe personally. I think a properly preserved specimen

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<v Speaker 1>of a small goblin or hobgoblin is always a reasonable

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<v Speaker 1>choice as well. It looks good on a shelf, may

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<v Speaker 1>contain gold coins upon dissection, and it's always a conversation

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<v Speaker 1>starter at parties, stirring questions such as why do you

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<v Speaker 1>have a pickled goblin on your shelf or should we

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<v Speaker 1>cut it open and look for coin inside of it?

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<v Speaker 1>Everyone wins. Next question, Grila the Christmas Witch writes in

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<v Speaker 1>and says most esteemed Doctor Jessip. I am writing to

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<v Speaker 1>correct a deep wrong. In recent years. I have heard

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<v Speaker 1>growing whispers and even worship of the quite frankly attacky

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<v Speaker 1>figure Crampus. Sure he's kind of disturbing, but I find

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<v Speaker 1>many of his methods uninspired, and further cannot, for the

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<v Speaker 1>life of me, figure out why he has taken off

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<v Speaker 1>in the increasingly morbidly fascinated public. When I, Grila, am

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<v Speaker 1>much more compelling and bewitching a Christmas nightmare. I am

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<v Speaker 1>a Christmas witch and an ogress that lives in an

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<v Speaker 1>Icelandic cave, the mother of monsters and the snatcher of

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<v Speaker 1>naughty children, children that I then turn into a scrumptious stew.

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<v Speaker 1>I control the tides of deadly winter in darkness. I

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<v Speaker 1>once ate one of my husband's because he bored me.

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<v Speaker 1>I feel that many monsters copied my m O. What

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<v Speaker 1>more do I have to do to terrify those trying

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<v Speaker 1>to make merry? How do I get my name out there?

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<v Speaker 1>Should I have copyrighted my methods. Why does Crampus get

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<v Speaker 1>so much more publicity? Gorilla? The Christmas which Grilla, I

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<v Speaker 1>understand your frustration. First, we must remember that Crampus, while

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<v Speaker 1>a friend of the show, has always appealed to the masses.

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<v Speaker 1>He is a beast of the people, ready to run

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<v Speaker 1>through the streets from pub to pub with the whole

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<v Speaker 1>tongue wagging thing and all. He's he's crass, He's vulgar,

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<v Speaker 1>and the people love him for it. I personally think

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<v Speaker 1>the problem is that the typical modern horror motion picture,

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<v Speaker 1>the preferred source of scares for the common man, has

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<v Speaker 1>shifted too far away from visceral terror and now appeals

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<v Speaker 1>more to the psyche and to the emotions. As such,

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<v Speaker 1>the average viewer is starved for such fair and likely

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<v Speaker 1>to fall for any old flim flam that offers gory delights,

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<v Speaker 1>and they gravitate to cramp as his wealth. For this reason,

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<v Speaker 1>so I advise you to wait, wait it out, wait

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<v Speaker 1>for the next major shift in the cinematic palette. All right,

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<v Speaker 1>let's see about this next one. It says seasons greeting,

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<v Speaker 1>Sir Jessop, did you know that most professionals like yourself

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<v Speaker 1>struggle to get away and truly unplug over the holidays.

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<v Speaker 1>When was the last time you put yourself first and

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<v Speaker 1>allowed yourself to relax. Recently you mentioned your desire to

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<v Speaker 1>travel the seas, where we would like to invite you

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<v Speaker 1>to join our very special cruise to Antarctica, where we

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<v Speaker 1>think you will be titillated by the snowy scene, the cold,

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<v Speaker 1>icy desolation, and the slight paranoia caused by the recent

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<v Speaker 1>mysterious arrival of an alien life form that can assume

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<v Speaker 1>the appearance of any of those unfortunate enough to encounter

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<v Speaker 1>it without the aid of a flame thrower. We promise

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<v Speaker 1>a unique and exciting experience, often replicated in many popular

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<v Speaker 1>modern games enjoyed by the youths. And we would also

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<v Speaker 1>much appreciate your expertise when it comes to alien invasions

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<v Speaker 1>to government installations that could result in death, the total

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<v Speaker 1>destruction of the human race, and worse legal action. I

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<v Speaker 1>won't say the situation is urgent per se, but haste

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<v Speaker 1>would be ideal in handling whatever this thing is. Eagerly

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<v Speaker 1>awaiting your reply, Doctor breha Ps, never mind, all is

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<v Speaker 1>well here, Please visit. I am a totally normal human

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<v Speaker 1>being who is eager to eat you, I mean, meet

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<v Speaker 1>you well, doctor Briare. I greatly appreciate the offer, and

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<v Speaker 1>maxwell does tell me that I do need to connect

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<v Speaker 1>more with the youth culture. Still, I only just returned

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<v Speaker 1>from an extended excursion to Antarctica, so I shall have

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<v Speaker 1>to pass and hope that other researchers in my field

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<v Speaker 1>will venture forth to have a look at this thing

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<v Speaker 1>of yours. All right, Next message, This one says quick question. Hypothetically,

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<v Speaker 1>if I kidnapped a prominent mystical holiday figure, say Santa Claus,

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<v Speaker 1>and who surped his holiday and then delivered ghoulish toys

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<v Speaker 1>to children and made a nightmare out of Christmas, am

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<v Speaker 1>I the jerk? Hypothetically the Pumpkin King? Dear Pumpkin King,

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<v Speaker 1>I would be careful about messing with such a prominent

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<v Speaker 1>elf and minor deity as Santa Claus. Believe me, I

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<v Speaker 1>would absolutely love to study his bizarre steeds that the

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<v Speaker 1>human mind can only process is some manner of year,

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<v Speaker 1>as well as the machine elves that serve him. But

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<v Speaker 1>at last, his powers are too great for me, and

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<v Speaker 1>perhaps even too great for a regal gourd such as yourself.

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<v Speaker 1>So proceed with caution. He is more dangerous than you

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<v Speaker 1>might imagine. This next one comes to us from a

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<v Speaker 1>Christmas Grench, not the Christmas Grench again friend of the show.

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<v Speaker 1>This particular author writes, not really sure who to reach

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<v Speaker 1>out to about this, but I'm hoping you can help

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<v Speaker 1>me with a time sensitive manner. A few Christmases ago,

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<v Speaker 1>I noticed a horrible odor emanating from the chimney. Turns

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<v Speaker 1>out my father, in an attempt at holiday cheer, had

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<v Speaker 1>done to Santa suit and tried to wriggle down the chimney. Unfortunately,

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<v Speaker 1>he got stuck and perished, tragically scarring me for life.

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<v Speaker 1>I cannot emphasize enough that the smell was what alerted

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<v Speaker 1>us that something was amiss. Suffist say, the holidays can

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<v Speaker 1>be a tough time for me, and I am somewhat

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<v Speaker 1>of a grinch anyway. I've been attempting to overcome this

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<v Speaker 1>trying event, but my boyfriend's cute pet has presented another

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<v Speaker 1>problem this holiday season. It seems that if it eats it,

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<v Speaker 1>being the pet, after midnight, it multiplies and it's sweet

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<v Speaker 1>nature is replaced by a mischievous bad boy persona very

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<v Speaker 1>reptilian in nature. Complete with corresponding outfits. Much chaos has

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<v Speaker 1>been left in their wake. Water and sunlight have interesting

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<v Speaker 1>effects on this creature. Wondering if you have any information

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<v Speaker 1>on any other creatures with similarities. In a related vein,

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<v Speaker 1>a friend of mine's dad died tragically and is now

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<v Speaker 1>cursed to be a snowman traumatized a Christmas Grinch, where

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<v Speaker 1>the creatures you mentioned here, Mr Grinch are quite fascinating,

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<v Speaker 1>and of course they do flect the importance of water

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<v Speaker 1>and in in various terrestrial creatures creatures of the natural world.

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<v Speaker 1>There's also a lot to say about them concerning the

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<v Speaker 1>role of water scarcity in the anatomies and behaviors of

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<v Speaker 1>many creatures. But I have great news for you. In general,

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<v Speaker 1>your aversion to the holidays can actually be somewhat solved

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<v Speaker 1>via your boyfriend's new pet. While the strange rules concerning

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<v Speaker 1>the creatures biology might seem limiting, especially if you find

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<v Speaker 1>yourself in a small town environment, the possibility is absolutely

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<v Speaker 1>open up if you venture into a major metropolitan area.

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<v Speaker 1>Travel to say New York City, and you'll find not

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<v Speaker 1>only a robust arts scene, but also the necessary infrastructure

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<v Speaker 1>to allow the creatures to multiply and cause mayham without

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<v Speaker 1>getting so out of control is to cause the downfall

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<v Speaker 1>of civilization. If you need assistance, I can refer you

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<v Speaker 1>to a colleague of mine in the city one, doctor

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<v Speaker 1>Cushion Gatherater. Next question, this one comes to us from Malla.

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<v Speaker 1>Mama writes Raw. I'm writing concerning a frequently misunderstood holiday,

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<v Speaker 1>literally called Life Day. People frequently recoil in horror and

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<v Speaker 1>disgust when I mentioned my beloved celebration of freedom. Admittedly

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<v Speaker 1>it does involve somewhat inappropriate gifts, bizarre, haunting and improbable

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<v Speaker 1>musical in cartoon numbers, walking inexplicably in space, red robes,

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<v Speaker 1>malfunctioning cyborgs, and of course the vague sense that your

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<v Speaker 1>life is flashing before your eyes. But it is a

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<v Speaker 1>cause for celebration, not fear. I implore you to spread

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<v Speaker 1>the truth about Life Day and assure all gentle beings

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<v Speaker 1>it is nothing to be afraid of, nothing months to

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<v Speaker 1>us about it at all. Woof, woof, Mala, Well, Mala,

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<v Speaker 1>your winter festival sounds fascinating, especially the part about malfunctioning cyborgs.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not sure how successful it can be, However, if

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<v Speaker 1>it is not monstrous. After all, the best holidays have

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<v Speaker 1>monsters of some form of supernatural being. Though perhaps you're

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<v Speaker 1>just not telling me everything. Here is another one. This

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<v Speaker 1>one comes to us from Humbug in advance Sleepless in London.

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<v Speaker 1>Dr Jesser, curious if you know about ghosts that haunt

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<v Speaker 1>and guilt trip you to make you see the quote

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<v Speaker 1>unquote error of your ways and quote unquote field a

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<v Speaker 1>holiday spirit. I've been terrorized by memories of my past

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<v Speaker 1>and threats of eternal damnation when I just want a

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<v Speaker 1>decent night's rest, to earn a modest living, and to

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<v Speaker 1>be left alone. Is it possible there is more of

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<v Speaker 1>gravy than of the grave going on here. I'm talking

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<v Speaker 1>about food poisoning. If that wasn't clear, Humbug and advanced

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<v Speaker 1>Sleepless in London. Dear Humbug, I myself am routinely visited

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<v Speaker 1>by three time traveling ghosts every holiday. They urge me

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<v Speaker 1>to abandon my studies, to give maxwell more time off,

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<v Speaker 1>and of course, to become more charitable to my fellow man,

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<v Speaker 1>as if my work were not charity enough. If your

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<v Speaker 1>ghosts are connected to food poisoning, I'd advise checking your

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<v Speaker 1>food stuff, so over, well before you dine and check

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<v Speaker 1>your can labels, look for curious bulges and avoid the

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<v Speaker 1>older stuff with possible lead contamination. And if your ghosts

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<v Speaker 1>are more spiritual in nature, well nothing works better than

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<v Speaker 1>a highly focused and readily polarized proton stream to electrostatically

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<v Speaker 1>trap the negatively charged energy of a ghost. I would

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<v Speaker 1>install these at regular intervals around you're canopied and curtained bed,

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<v Speaker 1>and then you should be good to go have a

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<v Speaker 1>good night's sleep. And that's all we have for this week.

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<v Speaker 1>It's time to push stop on our recording, to send

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<v Speaker 1>out the tape and settled in for a long winter's nap.

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<v Speaker 1>By the time you hear this, the monster and the

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<v Speaker 1>events will have finished its rampage. Christmas will have passed

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<v Speaker 1>for now, but the next visitation by Santa and his

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<v Speaker 1>various skin is just less than a year away, so

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<v Speaker 1>watch out. This is Dr Anton Jessup saying good night

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<v Speaker 1>and end recording. Hey everybody, this is Robert. Thanks again

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<v Speaker 1>to Dr Anton Jessup for filling in this week, and

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<v Speaker 1>thanks to any wreaths of stuff Mom never told you

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<v Speaker 1>and Savor for supplying most all of these lovely fictional questions.

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<v Speaker 1>Thanks to Max no relation to Maxwell, and j J

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<v Speaker 1>for producing the show. Regular listener mail will return next week,

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<v Speaker 1>but feel free to reach out to Joe Me or

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<v Speaker 1>even Dr Anton Jessuph himself. I will forward it to

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<v Speaker 1>him and have it transcribed onto paper or into a telegram.

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<v Speaker 1>You can email us at contact at stuff to Blow

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<v Speaker 1>your Mind dot com. Stuff to Blow Your Mind is

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<v Speaker 1>production of I Heart Radio. For more podcasts for my

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<v Speaker 1>heart Radio, visit the i heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts,

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