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Speaker 1: So it is days after my mother passed away, and

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Speaker 1: this has been an incredible journey. I have realized that

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Speaker 1: people don't really talk about death and grief in a

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Speaker 1: digestible way. I'm finding that out from a lot of people.

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Speaker 1: I'm finding out. I mean, I've never had a response

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Speaker 1: to anything like I've had to divorce and death. And

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Speaker 1: I'm seeing that there are a lot of similarities and

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Speaker 1: not just parallels, but like these two topics are converging

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Speaker 1: because many people have chosen certain types of partners as

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Speaker 1: a result of their childhood, and the types of messages

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Speaker 1: that I'm getting are about generational trauma, meaning you know,

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Speaker 1: the parents that you had and the dynamics that you

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Speaker 1: experienced as a child, if they were traumatic or very damaging,

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Speaker 1: and then really getting into thinking about their childhoods and

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Speaker 1: there's anger and there's confusion, and there's compassion, and there's

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Speaker 1: being closed off. And I mentioned that I literally have

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Speaker 1: lived nowhere but in my childhood for the first time

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Speaker 1: in forty five years, in so many different ways, and

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Speaker 1: you kind of put it all through a strainer, and

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Speaker 1: with any luck, you end up with the good because

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Speaker 1: you end up being compassionate about the fact that if

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Speaker 1: someone was so miserable that they would abuse you and

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Speaker 1: be mean to you and abuse themselves and be self destructive.

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Speaker 1: You know, they're filled with toxinsotional toxins, physical toxins, disease

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Speaker 1: and addictions, and like they cannot contain it, and so

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Speaker 1: they dump it on you. And I realize that, you know,

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Speaker 1: parents dump so much on their children, even good parents,

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Speaker 1: and the kids wear it and you have to be

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Speaker 1: very aware of that. And I want to also talk

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Speaker 1: about motherhood more, and I want to talk about some

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Speaker 1: stuff that has been happening with myself and my daughter.

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Speaker 1: But basically the letters that I've been getting and the

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Speaker 1: emails I've never I mean divorce, it's been divorced and

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Speaker 1: traumatic experiences, Like no one was talking about divorce in

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Speaker 1: this type of way. They're illogical way sometimes it's psychological way,

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Speaker 1: but in a very like traumatic way, and how to

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Speaker 1: deal with it, how to manage it logistically and then

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Speaker 1: also emotionally. So as I mentioned in my post, I've

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Speaker 1: been grieving this horrendous trauma, the worst of my whole life,

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Speaker 1: the most significant loss. And also I was getting so

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Speaker 1: many messages about divorce that we are going to come

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Speaker 1: back with divorce in the next couple of weeks, and

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Speaker 1: that I'm reading all your messages, but I am am

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Speaker 1: moved by these messages about your life, your lives, your life.

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Speaker 1: I'm reading them, I'm seeing them, you know, and I

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Speaker 1: know that this is freeing you and you do not

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Speaker 1: feel alone, and you feel seen and you are seen

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Speaker 1: so and I am certainly not an expert on death

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Speaker 1: or grief, like I am divorced, but I've had my

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Speaker 1: own way of doing it, and i will share it

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Speaker 1: with you because it's been a different way than I've

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Speaker 1: seen other people do or I've done in the past.

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Speaker 1: And there are many brands of death, so they are

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Speaker 1: One brand is you had a person lives a very

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Speaker 1: long life. They're at ninety eight years old. You had

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Speaker 1: a good relationship with them, and it's so sad and

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Speaker 1: they were around for so long and you can't believe

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Speaker 1: it's over. But there's some peace to it, there's some meaning.

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Speaker 1: There's a brand where someone's very sick and it's been

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Speaker 1: torturous and you feel guilty that for years you were

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Speaker 1: a caretaker and that you wanted it to be over.

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Speaker 1: And that's a level of guilt, you know, there's grieving

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Speaker 1: when God forbid someone who passes before their time or

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Speaker 1: before you and you're older, or something like that, Like

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Speaker 1: that's like traumatic, or God forbid an accident or someone

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Speaker 1: takes their own life. I mean, there were so many

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Speaker 1: different brands, you know, frustration. Lorie Peterson and I have

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Speaker 1: been messaging back and forth from Orange County. So there

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Speaker 1: are many brands of death. And I, as a kid,

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Speaker 1: never really experienced death because I didn't really have a

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Speaker 1: family for most of my life and so I didn't

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Speaker 1: hadn't had people around me that had really died. And

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Speaker 1: I always this is going to sound strange, but not envied,

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Speaker 1: but like I felt left out with people that had

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Speaker 1: had family members pass away because they were going through

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Speaker 1: something and I was always like I didn't understand it.

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Speaker 1: I couldn't relate to it. I didn't know what it

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Speaker 1: would feel like, you know, grief. And my dog Cookie passing,

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Speaker 1: which will become relevant later, was a traumatic event. My

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Speaker 1: dog lived eighteen years and she was a family member

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Speaker 1: because I did, as I've now been more open about,

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Speaker 1: I haven't had family. And when Dennis, my ex and

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Speaker 1: a friend of thirty years, passed, it was it was

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Speaker 1: it was a brand of death. It was it was

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Speaker 1: feeling guilty because he loved me so much and would

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Speaker 1: send me these love letters, and some of them were

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Speaker 1: not lucid. And it was over the course of years,

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Speaker 1: and there was a lot that I didn't know and understand,

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Speaker 1: and and I was frustrated and blamed myself, thought I

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Speaker 1: could have done something, blamed other people because I was

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Speaker 1: open about certain things to them and felt that they

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Speaker 1: didn't do it. I mean, you go through a million things,

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Speaker 1: and the stages of grief is a very true thing,

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Speaker 1: and they're not all the same for everybody. They say

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Speaker 1: the stages, but they don't have to be in order

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Speaker 1: and they don't have to all happen. And so this

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Speaker 1: brand of death is a different brand than I had

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Speaker 1: ever heard of, than I had ever experienced, and that

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Speaker 1: many of you hadn't really thought about. And now people

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Speaker 1: that I know and people that I don't know are

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Speaker 1: reaching out and it's making them think differently, and it's

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Speaker 1: it's it's having meaning because I am telling people that

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Speaker 1: I know and also people that I don't know, when

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Speaker 1: I hear their story, it is not going to be

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Speaker 1: what you think it's going to be. This brand this

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Speaker 1: particular brand, this generational trauma brand, complicated being a very

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Speaker 1: understated word for this brand of death with a person

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Speaker 1: that's supposed to be the most significant safe relationship in

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Speaker 1: your life, dying is not what you expect. I know

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Speaker 1: other people that haven't spoken to certain family members, have

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Speaker 1: estranged relationships. They've put it in a drawer, like me,

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Speaker 1: They've locked it. They don't think about it. Days could

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Speaker 1: go by. You don't think about this person. You are

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Speaker 1: positive they are gone from your life, so you will

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Speaker 1: not when they die. It will just be something that

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Speaker 1: just happens. Like my father died, and it made me

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Speaker 1: very very sad that he never really wanted anything to

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Speaker 1: do with me and was very dismissive of me. My

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Speaker 1: real father, I call him, because I had a stepfather

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Speaker 1: that was more of a father and more significant. He

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Speaker 1: had a lot of issues and he is very old

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Speaker 1: and also very sick, and I'm just waiting for that

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Speaker 1: shoe to drop and then me to be under the

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Speaker 1: couch for a month. But that was the most significant

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Speaker 1: male relationship in my life was my stepfather. Because when

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Speaker 1: my mother was away and left for months at a time,

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Speaker 1: and when she went to a mental institution, and when

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Speaker 1: she had just left and had a boyfriend somewhere in

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Speaker 1: Wales and wasn't at my graduation, she just decided not

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Speaker 1: to go. All these times he was there and so

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Speaker 1: I didn't want to attach to him when I was

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Speaker 1: young because I didn't really want him around and he

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Speaker 1: was problematic. He did end up getting his ship more

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Speaker 1: together and was more of a solid figure, and he

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Speaker 1: had a lot of problems. He had left the family before,

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Speaker 1: and then I became his family, and I was sort

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Speaker 1: of a way for him to like show my mother

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Speaker 1: how much he would love her and take care of

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Speaker 1: her because he was obsessed with her, as everybody was.

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Speaker 1: So I was really with him more and he was compassionate.

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Speaker 1: He was certainly very problematic. But when my real father died,

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Speaker 1: someone who really kind of just left me when I

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Speaker 1: was young, they were in a relationship. He didn't treat

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Speaker 1: me right. I went back to my mother into the

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Speaker 1: arms of the next man, who was my stepfather, who

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Speaker 1: was the most significant relationship. This is still in the

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Speaker 1: formative years, which we'll get into, because I did not

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Speaker 1: realize until recently that between zero and eight is when

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Speaker 1: you're formed as a person. So if you had some

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Speaker 1: good memories and some love before your parent fell off

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Speaker 1: the rails, you know, you might have a shot. And

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Speaker 1: so so that that real father, when he died of cancer,

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Speaker 1: it was unresolved, and it was definitely why didn't he

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Speaker 1: love me? And for years I tried to get his love,

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Speaker 1: and for years he abandoned and dropped me and was

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Speaker 1: mean to me. I mean I had two parents be

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Speaker 1: very very mean to me, said me and things to me.

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Speaker 1: To the day when he died, I thought I was

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Speaker 1: going to get some sort of resolution. And a friend

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Speaker 1: of mine who was friends with him because people again

161
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Speaker 1: glamorized him and worshiped him, and he always dated younger,

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Speaker 1: pretty people, and he was a Hall of Fame horse trainer,

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Speaker 1: and I used to beg for his affection. I used

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Speaker 1: to pretend publicly that like I was the daughter of

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Speaker 1: Bobby Frankel, because I wanted them to think that I

166
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Speaker 1: was somebody and like that I could go to the

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Speaker 1: Kentucky Derby and I could like be that. My stepfather, John,

168
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Speaker 1: who wasn't as successful a trainer, but still successful, he

169
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Speaker 1: included me. He took me, He took me to Saratoga

170
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Speaker 1: and like put me in the Winter Circle pictures. My

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Speaker 1: real father, who was the real success, which was a

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Speaker 1: big rivalry between those two men always discarded me. And

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Speaker 1: one year I went with an ex fiance to the

174
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Speaker 1: Kentucky Derby and he got the ticket. He brought me there,

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Speaker 1: and the tickets are a fortune, and I called my

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Speaker 1: father to ask him if he could get his tickets

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Speaker 1: and he said he blew us off, and he said no,

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Speaker 1: and he didn't have any. And this is always how

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Speaker 1: he was. I don't have any. He was very He

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Speaker 1: also was scathing. So I had two scathing parents, which

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Speaker 1: will explain my personality a little bit, like I have

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Speaker 1: to try to tone it down. And I think this

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Speaker 1: will significantly change me. I've been hardened by the racetrack

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Speaker 1: and by two very scathing parents and the abuse and

185
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Speaker 1: everything else. But we showed up at the races that

186
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Speaker 1: day and I overheard my father, because we had to

187
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Speaker 1: buy tickets. I overheard him saying to other people, I

188
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Speaker 1: have all these tickets. I don't know what I'm gonna

189
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Speaker 1: do with them. I could probably sell them or something.

190
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Speaker 1: He was just mean my whole life, and he was

191
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Speaker 1: a mean person, and everybody could glamorize it. The way

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Speaker 1: that they want to. He was very successful. He was

193
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Speaker 1: very good friends with Joe Tory, the guy from the Yankees,

194
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Speaker 1: who also ended up disliking me, not knowing me whatsoever,

195
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Speaker 1: because people thought that my father, who was enamored with

196
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Speaker 1: some fame, like he was enamored with the Joe Torris

197
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Speaker 1: and baseball because the trainers were they like the workers,

198
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Speaker 1: even though they, you know, the owners were the rich

199
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Speaker 1: blue bloods and the owners and a lot of celebrities

200
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Speaker 1: hang out around racetracks. And my father was a god,

201
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Speaker 1: but he was a really mean, mean person, and he

202
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Speaker 1: was mean to me to the last breath through through

203
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Speaker 1: the baby cam like that thing that you can hear.

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Speaker 1: My father's friend who's my friend, also heard it, heard

205
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Speaker 1: how mean he was to me, and that the first

206
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Speaker 1: time he got a glimpse into what I my pain

207
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Speaker 1: for all my years, and it was validation, like because

208
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Speaker 1: people see different sides to people. And I've heard people

209
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Speaker 1: in the letters that you guys have written me tell

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Speaker 1: me that your mother or you know, a parent was

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Speaker 1: you know, cold to you, couldn't connect to you what

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Speaker 1: was charming and wonderful to everybody else. And it can

213
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Speaker 1: it can really be very sad, so we don't have

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Speaker 1: to get into too much about my real father. But

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Speaker 1: he was not a parent in any any part of

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Speaker 1: the situation. He tried to connect with me at a

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Speaker 1: certain age when he started seeing pictures of me with

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Speaker 1: John Paracella, and I was glad. I was I was

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Speaker 1: enamored by the glamour of that he lived in La

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Speaker 1: and I was watching sixteen Candles. I'm pretty and pink,

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Speaker 1: and I wanted to be out there and thought I

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Speaker 1: was going to live this fabulous life. And he courted me.

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Speaker 1: But once I relinquished and decided to allow my real

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Speaker 1: father to be my father, I put changed my name

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Speaker 1: from Bethany Paracella, which I literally would like to go

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Speaker 1: and change back. I've always hated my name because my

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Speaker 1: father it was like being bougie and like having that

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Speaker 1: name and pretending that he was a father. And it

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Speaker 1: happened in college. I had never legally been Paraslla. It

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Speaker 1: was just that in third grade I went with John

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Speaker 1: Paracella to register at school and they asked my last name,

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Speaker 1: and I felt guilty that it was Frankly, it was

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Speaker 1: on my passport my whole life, and so I said

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Speaker 1: Paracella and there are so many people in my life

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Speaker 1: that only know me as Beth Paracella. But so in

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Speaker 1: college because of my stepfather really lashing out at me,

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Speaker 1: every single thing I owned came to my dorm room

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Speaker 1: from my life with my mother and my stepfather. He

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Speaker 1: had physically lashed out at me, and I took the

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Speaker 1: name Frankel, and I leaned in and I wanted my

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Speaker 1: real father to like accept me, like I was going

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Speaker 1: to now be his daughter. And he dropped me like

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Speaker 1: a hot potato. He wanted nothing to do with me.

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Speaker 1: He literally all the courting. It was like I was

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Speaker 1: a woman that had been courted and just dumped. It

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Speaker 1: was like the dog chases the cat, the cat runs away,

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Speaker 1: the cat chases the dog, the dog runs away. So

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Speaker 1: he was not a great person, and he was really

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Speaker 1: pretty much a piece of shit my whole life. And

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Speaker 1: I tried so hard to write letters and to ask him,

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Speaker 1: and he just really was this cold, detached person. My

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Speaker 1: mother was not detached in that same way. She was

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Speaker 1: miserable and toxic and mean, but she had emotions underneath

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Speaker 1: and would cry and wasn't detached like you could have.

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Speaker 1: You know, she was emotional, but just very erratic. So

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Speaker 1: my real father when he died, it was not the

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Speaker 1: same type of feeling. It just wasn't the same brand

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Speaker 1: it was. My ex was with me, my daughter was

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Speaker 1: in my belly. I tried to make meaning out of it.

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Speaker 1: I took some meaningful things from his house that I

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Speaker 1: still have here. He was hostile in his death. On

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Speaker 1: a Today's Show episode about Father's Day, I said something like,

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Speaker 1: and I don't really have a father, like a throwaway comment,

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Speaker 1: but down deep, I guess he loved me. And he

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Speaker 1: used to watch every single thing that I did, and

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Speaker 1: he used to watch The Apprentice and he rooted for me.

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Speaker 1: But what good is loving someone if you're not going

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Speaker 1: to tell them or remote He just was not capable,

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Speaker 1: which was the problem that my mother had with him.

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Speaker 1: And he never was able to be in relationship because

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Speaker 1: of his generational trauma and his parents and how they were.

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Speaker 1: And when he he heard me say that on that

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Speaker 1: show that day, he really cut me off in his mind,

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Speaker 1: cut me off financially, which was a part of the relationship.

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Speaker 1: Like every year, I think he'd send me five hundred

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Speaker 1: dollars for or maybe more for my birthday, or twenty

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Speaker 1: five hundre dollars. Fifteen hundred dollars was all the money

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Speaker 1: in the world to me. I waited for it for

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Speaker 1: some reason, because I always have to be fully accountable.

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Speaker 1: For some reason, he agreed to pay fifty thousand dollars

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Speaker 1: for my first wedding. I should have just taken the money.

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Speaker 1: I don't know why he agreed to do that. And

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Speaker 1: there was a negotiation and a debate back and forth

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Speaker 1: about who was going to pay for my college between

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Speaker 1: he and John. So he died and I was I

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Speaker 1: really didn't care that much. It didn't affect me. This

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00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:42,600
Speaker 1: loss of my mother was a very different brand of death,

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Speaker 1: and I did not expect to experience what I would experience.

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Speaker 1: So the way that I went into this, which was

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Speaker 1: not intentional, just what happened. I'm a loner. Another thing.

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Speaker 1: My father, my real father, was a loaner. He was

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Speaker 1: a loner's whole life. He'd be alone in the house.

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Speaker 1: My mother was a loaner. To it's Kelly Rippa who

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Speaker 1: said to me, that's genetic. And I am a loner

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Speaker 1: a lot. So I intervene in that and I do

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Speaker 1: a lot more than they did. But and like my father,

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Speaker 1: like his work became his social every day you get

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Speaker 1: up and you shower, and you go to the track

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Speaker 1: and you see people and you go to dinner. Like

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Speaker 1: so my work and that The Housewives in that way

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00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:23,240
Speaker 1: was good for me. Reality television was good for me

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Speaker 1: because I would be even in my twenties, I was

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Speaker 1: the one who wanted to like a home early and

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Speaker 1: be in my pajamas and could be alone for days

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Speaker 1: on end and like not tell anybody about it. I

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00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:33,600
Speaker 1: could like not do Thanksgiving because it was triggering me

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00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:35,320
Speaker 1: and I'd be alone. I wouldn't tell anybody because I

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Speaker 1: don't want, like anyone to know or feel bad. And

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Speaker 1: some of you can relate to that. The pandemic leaned

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Speaker 1: right into that for me and really like enveloped me

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Speaker 1: in it being okay and normalizing being alone. And so

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Speaker 1: it's taken. I'm still it's still taking me a while

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Speaker 1: to get myself out. And so I think that Jewish

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Speaker 1: people in sitting shiva is a good thing. And I

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Speaker 1: was talking actually to Jill Zarin about this, because you

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Speaker 1: grieve for a week. But what I personally don't agree

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Speaker 1: with is the distraction of it. Because when Dennis died,

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Speaker 1: I went to the funeral, and I remember drinking wine

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Speaker 1: that morning because it was like making me cope. And

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Speaker 1: then I went over to someone's house after that they

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00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:16,760
Speaker 1: were having you know, they're starting I guess the shive

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Speaker 1: at their house. And then you were in your house

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Speaker 1: and people flew into New York and like came to

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Speaker 1: see me and like it does help, and they're visiting,

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Speaker 1: and it's it's you know, if you have a family,

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Speaker 1: you're doing it together. And I'm not. I'm not there's

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Speaker 1: no way to judge anyone's version of how they're going

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Speaker 1: to do this. I'm not saying that at all. I'm

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Speaker 1: just saying if you're a person, that can really distract.

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Speaker 1: Because I had an ex who had a mother who

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Speaker 1: died and we did shive for a week and all

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Speaker 1: we did was drink and tell stories and look at pictures,

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00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:43,800
Speaker 1: and then it was over and then you know, people

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00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:45,480
Speaker 1: go back to normal life and you've had like a

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00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:47,840
Speaker 1: social week, and that's daring. So I have not done

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00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:51,000
Speaker 1: it that way. My daughter came back to me. I

337
00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:53,000
Speaker 1: was supposed to go to a volleyball tournament, and thank

338
00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:54,840
Speaker 1: god she had the volleyball tournament. It was my weekend

339
00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:57,560
Speaker 1: with her. I did not want her to be laying

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00:16:57,640 --> 00:17:00,160
Speaker 1: with me in misery, and like I didn't want to

341
00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:02,400
Speaker 1: like share that with her. She knew my mother, but

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00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:05,160
Speaker 1: she had seen her two times in person and done

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00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:06,880
Speaker 1: art with her and spend time with her. She would

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00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:10,600
Speaker 1: call her sometimes and send her things. And in fact,

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00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:12,560
Speaker 1: when my mother would call, she would really just stay

346
00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:15,080
Speaker 1: to brin like I don't have much to say, colostomy

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00:17:15,119 --> 00:17:17,240
Speaker 1: bag and I'm this and it's that, and not really

348
00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:19,960
Speaker 1: much good. Like she was selfish in that way too,

349
00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:23,520
Speaker 1: Like she wasn't saying, oh, tell me about what's going

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00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:25,320
Speaker 1: on outside, or let's talk about your mom when she

351
00:17:25,359 --> 00:17:27,920
Speaker 1: was a little girl, Like my mother was not capable of,

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00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:31,200
Speaker 1: like not being super deep and dumping really adult shit

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Speaker 1: on my daughter, because that's what she did on me

354
00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:35,400
Speaker 1: my whole life. But my daughter's not equipped for that.

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00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:38,560
Speaker 1: Like I was an adult at five years old, and

356
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:41,439
Speaker 1: that's not like when I first found my mother's throwing

357
00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:44,800
Speaker 1: up and found her her her trolley and her laxative

358
00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:48,240
Speaker 1: caddie and would call the cops and see people being beaten,

359
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:50,320
Speaker 1: you know, with an inch of their life, like and

360
00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:52,919
Speaker 1: was at the racetrack with degenerates and drugs and guns

361
00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:54,639
Speaker 1: like I was an adult. It's just what it is.

362
00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:56,919
Speaker 1: I'm not complaining, no poor me. I'm just saying, like,

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00:17:57,320 --> 00:18:00,359
Speaker 1: my daughter's not that person, and I can get into that.

364
00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:02,240
Speaker 1: And how I described this to her yesterday, you could

365
00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:04,760
Speaker 1: see she doesn't even have the emotional bandwidth to hear

366
00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:07,320
Speaker 1: the stories of my childhood, which have been very watered

367
00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:09,879
Speaker 1: down but just need to be explained so she doesn't

368
00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:12,920
Speaker 1: wonder why her mom never had a relationship with her mom,

369
00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:16,199
Speaker 1: and now her mom's dead, and now her mom's mom

370
00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:18,120
Speaker 1: is dead, and now her mom is crying. And wait,

371
00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:21,440
Speaker 1: you could have been like trying to very very dilute

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00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:24,600
Speaker 1: it down and fold into the batter some stories of

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00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:26,960
Speaker 1: my life and how it wasn't great. I mean, she's

374
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:30,159
Speaker 1: old enough to understand to realize that, not to process it.

375
00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:33,200
Speaker 1: But I didn't want her. I was so happy she

376
00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:35,600
Speaker 1: had this volleyball tournament. I actually there was a moment

377
00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:36,960
Speaker 1: when I thought like I was going to be there,

378
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:39,879
Speaker 1: like that's psychotic now realizing what I've gone through, But

379
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:42,040
Speaker 1: I like put her somewhere, and I was so happy,

380
00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:43,800
Speaker 1: and she won a medal, which of course I had

381
00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:47,560
Speaker 1: placed a meaning on, and she came back on Sunday

382
00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:49,560
Speaker 1: and she had all her stuff and she was exhausted,

383
00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:52,159
Speaker 1: and you know, she hugged me and we had ramen

384
00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:54,720
Speaker 1: together and it was a distraction and I was glad

385
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:57,040
Speaker 1: for it. And I made her this amazing cinnamon roll

386
00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:58,840
Speaker 1: in the morning that I like wanted to. I was

387
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:00,919
Speaker 1: so tired of it because I was three hours a night,

388
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:03,639
Speaker 1: but like just was paranoid that I wouldn't wake up

389
00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:05,200
Speaker 1: and be able to make her this big, like gold

390
00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:07,960
Speaker 1: belly cinnamon roll of strawberry frosting, and like she's like,

391
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,480
Speaker 1: I love you, mamma. Can I hug? Can we hug?

392
00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:12,040
Speaker 1: And we hugged, and you know, and and just showing

393
00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:14,080
Speaker 1: I've been showing our pictures of my mom, Like I

394
00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:16,200
Speaker 1: haven't dumped the whole bag of shit on her at all,

395
00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:19,760
Speaker 1: but it's, you know, she's getting it. She's very emotionally,

396
00:19:20,359 --> 00:19:23,159
Speaker 1: you know, intelligent and and so off she went to

397
00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:24,879
Speaker 1: school and then she went to her dad for a

398
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:27,159
Speaker 1: couple of days, and so that was good too. So

399
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:31,720
Speaker 1: I have been alone in my house. I have people

400
00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:33,959
Speaker 1: that work here that I've been with me for years,

401
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:36,399
Speaker 1: that I love, that have gone through their own losses

402
00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:39,320
Speaker 1: and have experienced the dentist losses of me that you know,

403
00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:42,159
Speaker 1: it's made meaning there because I've thought about them and

404
00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:44,040
Speaker 1: their children and the things that they've gone through and

405
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:46,280
Speaker 1: how they're always for me and they're my family, but

406
00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:49,600
Speaker 1: like they're not really my family meaning in the sense

407
00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:51,240
Speaker 1: that like I don't live in their house. And we

408
00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:53,359
Speaker 1: started talking about some of their traumas and things that

409
00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:56,480
Speaker 1: have happened for them. And I have always you know,

410
00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:58,199
Speaker 1: Laney's been in my life for so many years. I've

411
00:19:58,200 --> 00:19:59,919
Speaker 1: always said she's in my will. But like saying that,

412
00:20:00,119 --> 00:20:02,159
Speaker 1: I mean God forbid dropping dead tomorrow and her not

413
00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:03,840
Speaker 1: being and my will are not the same thing. And

414
00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:06,600
Speaker 1: so I like started to take the action with my

415
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:09,840
Speaker 1: you know, team, to like actually put them in my

416
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:12,040
Speaker 1: will and in my like what's going to happen to them?

417
00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:13,960
Speaker 1: And they're old, They've spent all these years working with me,

418
00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:16,040
Speaker 1: and like, you know, like are they going to be

419
00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:18,520
Speaker 1: are they going to be protected? What's most important to

420
00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:20,919
Speaker 1: them is it? Are they worried about being old and alone? No,

421
00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:23,639
Speaker 1: because some of them have big families. They you know,

422
00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:25,760
Speaker 1: is Laney worried that her son is not going to

423
00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:27,159
Speaker 1: be able to go to college. Does she want that

424
00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:29,240
Speaker 1: for him? Like what? What? What worries her? And I

425
00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:32,119
Speaker 1: didn't want to make her feel vulnerable and uncomfortable, but

426
00:20:32,119 --> 00:20:34,359
Speaker 1: for her to talk to, you know, my business people

427
00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:36,920
Speaker 1: about like what, you know, how they can be protected,

428
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:40,639
Speaker 1: like my home version of whatever a retirement account is,

429
00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:42,480
Speaker 1: and like a will and things like that. You know,

430
00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:44,200
Speaker 1: it was like Laney's going to be in a Rolls Royce.

431
00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:47,800
Speaker 1: When I dropped dead, I was alone the whole week.

432
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:52,200
Speaker 1: I was alone, listening to seventies, you know, Carol King

433
00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:55,720
Speaker 1: radio and like having memories of Barry Mann alone. My

434
00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:59,080
Speaker 1: first album it was the Big White one that opened

435
00:20:59,119 --> 00:21:01,640
Speaker 1: and had like three parts to it, and I wore

436
00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:04,639
Speaker 1: it down and Neil Diamond and Carly Simon and James

437
00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:08,400
Speaker 1: Taylor and air Supply and it brought back a lot

438
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:10,760
Speaker 1: of memories. There were some songs I absolutely couldn't couldn't

439
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:15,800
Speaker 1: listen to, and and I took nature walks and reconnected

440
00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:18,840
Speaker 1: and connected with my area because I don't have a

441
00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:21,280
Speaker 1: good relationship with exercise, and I'm always envious to people

442
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:24,000
Speaker 1: who like every morning they just worked out, and you

443
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:25,439
Speaker 1: know I do that in the Hamptons. I go on

444
00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:28,399
Speaker 1: my beach walks and it opened up this I couldn't

445
00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:31,000
Speaker 1: say in my house. So every day, twice a day,

446
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:33,359
Speaker 1: I would like put my big hat on and put

447
00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:35,960
Speaker 1: the Carrol King radio on and listen to Barry Manelow

448
00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:40,320
Speaker 1: and everybody nothing modern. I literally did not crave. I

449
00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:45,879
Speaker 1: was like rejecting anything current, anything like there could be

450
00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:48,600
Speaker 1: the way we wore, like a gaga could slip in

451
00:21:48,680 --> 00:21:50,920
Speaker 1: because it like is nostalgic from the way we were,

452
00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:53,560
Speaker 1: but like nothing, and I didn't want any of it.

453
00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:56,840
Speaker 1: And I cried on these walks and I connected with

454
00:21:56,920 --> 00:22:00,600
Speaker 1: nature and my lived in my childhood, and through this

455
00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:03,200
Speaker 1: week decided that I was going to finally go visit Saratoga,

456
00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:04,600
Speaker 1: where I went as a kid. I was gonna take

457
00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:06,960
Speaker 1: Brin back there because I have not been willing to

458
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:09,479
Speaker 1: revisit there. I've never gone back because it was the

459
00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:12,200
Speaker 1: only escape from this hell. And we would have one

460
00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:14,199
Speaker 1: month and there would always would still be fights up there,

461
00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:15,679
Speaker 1: but I don't remember there being a lot of like

462
00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:19,119
Speaker 1: police level fights. I remember everybody just being happy up

463
00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:21,320
Speaker 1: there for that one month, and my mother wasn't always there.

464
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:24,480
Speaker 1: But like I said, those drives up there, the memories

465
00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:27,920
Speaker 1: are chill my skin, like, and Saratoga's changed so much.

466
00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:30,719
Speaker 1: It's not a place that's nostalgic anymore. It's very commercial

467
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:33,359
Speaker 1: and like it used to be so farm stand and

468
00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:35,840
Speaker 1: so provincial, and so I like have it in a

469
00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:38,320
Speaker 1: time capsule, and I just haven't wanted to go this

470
00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:41,560
Speaker 1: place dairy house that had this like soft custard with

471
00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:43,720
Speaker 1: so many flavors that we used to go to, and like,

472
00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:46,200
Speaker 1: I have all these memories, so all these memories were

473
00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:48,280
Speaker 1: flooding in that I never had because the music was

474
00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:51,200
Speaker 1: connected to the memories. And my version of sitting Shiva

475
00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:53,639
Speaker 1: was a week of just being alone and really like

476
00:22:55,119 --> 00:23:00,360
Speaker 1: you know, having compassion and forgiving and going there real

477
00:23:00,440 --> 00:23:03,600
Speaker 1: and doing therapy, realizing that if your formative years or

478
00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:06,359
Speaker 1: zero to eight, that like that's why these are so strong,

479
00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:11,280
Speaker 1: like these memories, and you know, and that's also when

480
00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:14,040
Speaker 1: it was like bad. But I just you know, I

481
00:23:14,119 --> 00:23:16,280
Speaker 1: had my own version. Today's the first day I've washed

482
00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:18,600
Speaker 1: my hair. And it's funny because I was looking I

483
00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:20,720
Speaker 1: was I showered to have my grandma sweater on, and

484
00:23:20,760 --> 00:23:23,320
Speaker 1: I was thinking, like I was listening to the song

485
00:23:23,359 --> 00:23:25,280
Speaker 1: You're So Vain, and there's a line in You're so

486
00:23:25,359 --> 00:23:28,840
Speaker 1: vain from Carly Simon about Saratoga. And I was thinking

487
00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:31,760
Speaker 1: about how I'm not so vain and people comment on

488
00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:33,720
Speaker 1: that that I'm willing to be like just look like

489
00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:37,800
Speaker 1: this and not you know, care. And my mother was

490
00:23:37,840 --> 00:23:40,760
Speaker 1: not pretentious or superficial. She was vain, but she was

491
00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:43,480
Speaker 1: the one wearing overalls to the you know, during the

492
00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:45,399
Speaker 1: day all the time. She never had makeup on, Like

493
00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:48,760
Speaker 1: you know, there are a lot of similarities with myself

494
00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:50,840
Speaker 1: and her. She didn't wasn't vain in that way. She

495
00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:55,080
Speaker 1: was internally like you know, with a disorder pain vein,

496
00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:58,119
Speaker 1: Like it was just she just that addiction and that

497
00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:02,000
Speaker 1: blimia just just ruled her entire life and killed her.

498
00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:03,520
Speaker 1: And it's crazy that the one thing that she was

499
00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:06,240
Speaker 1: so vain about was the thing that rotted her. And

500
00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:09,240
Speaker 1: I have a different relationship to age now. You know,

501
00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:11,120
Speaker 1: people used to think that you were in your late

502
00:24:11,160 --> 00:24:13,320
Speaker 1: thirty your thirties, and like you were done, like you

503
00:24:13,359 --> 00:24:16,320
Speaker 1: were look old. And she thought she was old at forty,

504
00:24:16,760 --> 00:24:18,520
Speaker 1: I mean, and she started to look old at forty

505
00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:20,119
Speaker 1: because of what she was doing to her body and

506
00:24:20,119 --> 00:24:23,080
Speaker 1: destroying herself. But like it's hard for me because I'm

507
00:24:23,119 --> 00:24:27,359
Speaker 1: having a rebirth right now, like I'm healing generational trauma

508
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:30,000
Speaker 1: right now, and I am at an age where I

509
00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:33,280
Speaker 1: looked at her as so old, and so there's a

510
00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:37,280
Speaker 1: lot of guilt, a lot of guilt, like, you know,

511
00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:40,000
Speaker 1: I don't like me. I want to fix everything, and

512
00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:42,359
Speaker 1: my therapist says, I fix everything. I go there's a

513
00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:44,600
Speaker 1: problem in the Hampton's right now with encampments, and like

514
00:24:44,600 --> 00:24:47,320
Speaker 1: I've got my team there, palettes of aid. There's something

515
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:49,600
Speaker 1: going on in Puerto Rico, like I saw it. Why

516
00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:53,280
Speaker 1: you know, why couldn't I go to Florida and just

517
00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:55,400
Speaker 1: be like, I'm gonna like solve this, and you're gonna

518
00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:57,719
Speaker 1: go into this type of rehab and you're gonna be like,

519
00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:00,800
Speaker 1: I don't know, And I was scared to do that,

520
00:25:00,920 --> 00:25:02,480
Speaker 1: and I didn't even know to do that, and I

521
00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:04,920
Speaker 1: had so much anger for my life. You know, it's

522
00:25:04,960 --> 00:25:09,320
Speaker 1: like it's Monday morning quarterback. Listen. She had a friend,

523
00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:11,199
Speaker 1: she had a good friend who knew nothing about this,

524
00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:13,560
Speaker 1: so she compartment mentalized this enough that she had a

525
00:25:13,600 --> 00:25:19,160
Speaker 1: friend that is in that house showing me Cartier giant

526
00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:21,639
Speaker 1: pearl earrings that we've like I've put next to pictures

527
00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:25,560
Speaker 1: at my confirmation, Tiffany Pearls and I mentioned the brands

528
00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:28,000
Speaker 1: because I didn't realize, like she's the one who made

529
00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:31,520
Speaker 1: my stepfather like into nice things and culture all of

530
00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:35,520
Speaker 1: us with like knowing what things were, and like disco music,

531
00:25:35,520 --> 00:25:38,240
Speaker 1: which I wasn't even allowed. I realized that too. My

532
00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:42,080
Speaker 1: mother was living at Studio fifty four as Studio fifty

533
00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:43,760
Speaker 1: four when I was growing up. That's when she was

534
00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:47,639
Speaker 1: going out partying, and like I lived for disco. I

535
00:25:47,720 --> 00:25:50,080
Speaker 1: had a secret life on hot skates. No one at

536
00:25:50,119 --> 00:25:52,280
Speaker 1: my school they would have made fun of me. They

537
00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:54,240
Speaker 1: all were into the doors. Everybody that went to Saint

538
00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:56,400
Speaker 1: Agnes in sixth and seventh and eight, you know grade

539
00:25:56,520 --> 00:25:59,920
Speaker 1: there was no disco. I had a secret life of disco.

540
00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:01,960
Speaker 1: No one knew about Indian food, No one knew about sushi.

541
00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:03,480
Speaker 1: My mother was living this Like she went to f

542
00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:05,760
Speaker 1: I t she went to Pratt, she went to Parsons.

543
00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:08,040
Speaker 1: She was like this like fabulous person. I don't know

544
00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:10,040
Speaker 1: where she got it from. It's like amazing to see that,

545
00:26:10,119 --> 00:26:13,159
Speaker 1: Like she left her house at sixteen and just found fabulousity.

546
00:26:13,160 --> 00:26:16,000
Speaker 1: It really really is. And I've been talking a lot

547
00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:19,440
Speaker 1: about well, first, Brenne and I decided together, we came

548
00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:23,040
Speaker 1: up with a good solution for her ashes her friend

549
00:26:23,119 --> 00:26:25,920
Speaker 1: in Florida. I got her someone to take care of

550
00:26:25,960 --> 00:26:27,320
Speaker 1: her for the last couple of years. And this woman

551
00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:28,639
Speaker 1: is like, you need to come here, and you need

552
00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:30,399
Speaker 1: to do this here, you know all this. And I

553
00:26:30,440 --> 00:26:31,920
Speaker 1: was feeling guilty because I was feeling like I don't

554
00:26:31,920 --> 00:26:32,919
Speaker 1: want to go in that. I don't think I can

555
00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:35,040
Speaker 1: handle going in that apartment. But then why should I

556
00:26:35,119 --> 00:26:37,320
Speaker 1: go there? And her friend, her actual friend of eleven years,

557
00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:39,440
Speaker 1: was like, no, she hated for And I remember that

558
00:26:39,680 --> 00:26:42,600
Speaker 1: she hated Florida as a kid, And this makes me

559
00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:44,440
Speaker 1: sad too. The I said to her friend, why did

560
00:26:44,480 --> 00:26:47,400
Speaker 1: she move to Florida? She hated Flora. She never went out,

561
00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:48,880
Speaker 1: she didn't go swim, she didn't go to the beach.

562
00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:51,200
Speaker 1: She couldn't give a shit. And this woman said, because

563
00:26:51,240 --> 00:26:53,240
Speaker 1: she wanted to go somewhere where no one knew her,

564
00:26:54,160 --> 00:26:56,560
Speaker 1: which also broke my heart. Like a picture that this

565
00:26:56,560 --> 00:26:59,600
Speaker 1: woman sent me of her, this beautiful specimen of all

566
00:26:59,640 --> 00:27:02,320
Speaker 1: those that had all the all the opportunity and just

567
00:27:02,359 --> 00:27:06,080
Speaker 1: continue to choose the wrong men and devolve. You know,

568
00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:09,960
Speaker 1: men are such a massive theme and and and devolve

569
00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:12,960
Speaker 1: that this man the last man that beat her, and

570
00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:15,720
Speaker 1: there were police reports that this her friend found and

571
00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:18,480
Speaker 1: before that was an alcoholic. Like the male choices were

572
00:27:18,520 --> 00:27:21,840
Speaker 1: just always driven by how someone loved her, never how

573
00:27:21,880 --> 00:27:25,560
Speaker 1: she loved them. Something that is like genetic, like something

574
00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:28,119
Speaker 1: that has been a massive theme in my life. And

575
00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:30,240
Speaker 1: you know, my daughter, there'll be a boy in school

576
00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:34,359
Speaker 1: and she'll say, ex likes me a lot of many times,

577
00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:36,280
Speaker 1: and she's never seen anything about this with me, Like

578
00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:40,919
Speaker 1: this is like it's like in our weaving of the souls.

579
00:27:40,920 --> 00:27:45,760
Speaker 1: As Michael Caponi, my philanthropy partner, said, you know, my

580
00:27:45,840 --> 00:27:47,520
Speaker 1: daughter will say this person likes me. I'm like, okay,

581
00:27:47,600 --> 00:27:50,480
Speaker 1: do you like them? Like I'm you know, trying to

582
00:27:50,480 --> 00:27:53,040
Speaker 1: break these chains by also saying like it's great that

583
00:27:53,119 --> 00:27:55,280
Speaker 1: someone likes you, and yes, it's great someone be chivalrous

584
00:27:55,280 --> 00:27:56,879
Speaker 1: and like you first and write the Valentine first or

585
00:27:56,880 --> 00:27:59,920
Speaker 1: whatever happens. But like, ultimately someone else cannot love or

586
00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:03,399
Speaker 1: like you enough for you to like them like or

587
00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:05,800
Speaker 1: love them like it's not that's not how this thing

588
00:28:05,840 --> 00:28:08,720
Speaker 1: is gonna work. And I realize now that like it's

589
00:28:08,760 --> 00:28:12,639
Speaker 1: because she came from an abusive household with a father

590
00:28:12,720 --> 00:28:15,680
Speaker 1: that was a tyrant, and so she just went out

591
00:28:15,680 --> 00:28:18,120
Speaker 1: and wanted love, like if someone would love her enough.

592
00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:20,800
Speaker 1: John Parasla love bombing, he lived, love bombed her all

593
00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:23,600
Speaker 1: those cardier stuff and those pearls and everything she couldn't

594
00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:26,359
Speaker 1: even afford himself, Like she was this woman who was

595
00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:29,080
Speaker 1: so stunning and perfect, like he wanted to like, you know,

596
00:28:29,160 --> 00:28:32,240
Speaker 1: and same with Bobby, Like she didn't really love these guys,

597
00:28:32,280 --> 00:28:34,879
Speaker 1: and she really she loved one of the guys after

598
00:28:35,720 --> 00:28:37,679
Speaker 1: you know, before the monster. This like one guy, but

599
00:28:37,720 --> 00:28:39,680
Speaker 1: he was an alcoholic and she was attracted to that

600
00:28:39,760 --> 00:28:41,719
Speaker 1: for that reasons, Like we have to intervene in our

601
00:28:41,760 --> 00:28:44,080
Speaker 1: lives and think about why we're choosing people. The game

602
00:28:44,160 --> 00:28:47,680
Speaker 1: is moving very quickly when you are choosing people, but

603
00:28:47,800 --> 00:28:49,680
Speaker 1: you have to find a way to think about why

604
00:28:49,760 --> 00:28:52,920
Speaker 1: and and and so, like I'm thinking about that for

605
00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:55,959
Speaker 1: my own life, Like you just want people, you know.

606
00:28:56,560 --> 00:29:00,560
Speaker 1: Several of my axes have said to me or friends

607
00:29:00,560 --> 00:29:03,640
Speaker 1: have said to me about these people. You're never gonna

608
00:29:03,640 --> 00:29:06,120
Speaker 1: find someone who's going to love you as much as

609
00:29:06,120 --> 00:29:07,760
Speaker 1: they do. And one of my exes said to me,

610
00:29:07,800 --> 00:29:09,480
Speaker 1: you will never find someone who will love you as

611
00:29:09,560 --> 00:29:12,120
Speaker 1: much as I will, pleading with me to be with them,

612
00:29:12,480 --> 00:29:15,040
Speaker 1: and as a person who had no real parents or

613
00:29:15,040 --> 00:29:19,960
Speaker 1: parental structure, like, yes, take me. I want to be loved.

614
00:29:19,960 --> 00:29:21,000
Speaker 1: I want to be loved. To give it to me,

615
00:29:21,040 --> 00:29:23,240
Speaker 1: you love, Yes, I believe you. I believe in I

616
00:29:23,280 --> 00:29:25,840
Speaker 1: believe it. No one's gonna love how No one loved

617
00:29:25,880 --> 00:29:28,080
Speaker 1: me as a child. Why would anyone else love me

618
00:29:28,120 --> 00:29:30,280
Speaker 1: more than this person who wants to be my family?

619
00:29:30,640 --> 00:29:33,520
Speaker 1: And then it gets layered that like with my ex Peter,

620
00:29:33,600 --> 00:29:35,680
Speaker 1: who I married like his parents. I loved his parents.

621
00:29:35,680 --> 00:29:38,080
Speaker 1: His mother was like a mother to me. Mary and

622
00:29:38,160 --> 00:29:40,440
Speaker 1: Susman was like a mother to me. She took me

623
00:29:40,520 --> 00:29:43,160
Speaker 1: wedding dress shopping. She would take me. It wasn't about

624
00:29:43,200 --> 00:29:44,760
Speaker 1: the material things, but she would take me to go

625
00:29:45,040 --> 00:29:47,120
Speaker 1: like to where are we gonna get the wedding test?

626
00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:48,880
Speaker 1: To get my makeup done? And she would like take

627
00:29:48,960 --> 00:29:50,960
Speaker 1: me shopping is a you know mother would do. And

628
00:29:51,000 --> 00:29:53,440
Speaker 1: she would talk to me and she was funny and

629
00:29:53,520 --> 00:29:56,880
Speaker 1: like I was marrying them too, you know, like there

630
00:29:56,880 --> 00:29:58,440
Speaker 1: are different reasons. They may not even be the person

631
00:29:58,440 --> 00:30:00,560
Speaker 1: you're with, You're marrying their family, like they're different reasons

632
00:30:00,560 --> 00:30:03,520
Speaker 1: we're making these decisions, and like I when we broke up,

633
00:30:05,200 --> 00:30:06,840
Speaker 1: you know, it broke my heart that I broke her

634
00:30:06,840 --> 00:30:09,440
Speaker 1: heart because she loved me, and I broke her heart,

635
00:30:09,520 --> 00:30:12,360
Speaker 1: And like they don't come from or understand a person

636
00:30:12,400 --> 00:30:16,360
Speaker 1: from a damaged childhood like myself. Brian Koppleman, you know

637
00:30:16,680 --> 00:30:19,040
Speaker 1: his his mother, Bunny Coplman, loved me. I was like

638
00:30:19,080 --> 00:30:22,120
Speaker 1: attracted to her. You know, you're you're finding these different things.

639
00:30:22,200 --> 00:30:23,880
Speaker 1: So I realized when my mom I was doing what

640
00:30:23,960 --> 00:30:28,120
Speaker 1: my mother was doing for so many years and and

641
00:30:28,160 --> 00:30:32,320
Speaker 1: I haven't been able to crack into this. I haven't

642
00:30:32,360 --> 00:30:34,880
Speaker 1: been serious about therapy for a while where I'll be

643
00:30:34,960 --> 00:30:36,960
Speaker 1: like regular where like you know how you'll like make

644
00:30:36,960 --> 00:30:39,280
Speaker 1: a standing manicure appointment and be like, Okay, the second

645
00:30:39,320 --> 00:30:41,680
Speaker 1: I leave here, I'm making the next appointment. That's how

646
00:30:41,720 --> 00:30:45,760
Speaker 1: regular I've been in the last couple of uh, certainly

647
00:30:45,760 --> 00:30:47,440
Speaker 1: the last year, maybe a couple of years, but really

648
00:30:47,440 --> 00:30:49,400
Speaker 1: the last year where it's like f and it could

649
00:30:49,400 --> 00:30:51,880
Speaker 1: be it could be, and the same thing for my daughter,

650
00:30:51,920 --> 00:30:54,120
Speaker 1: it'll be like it could be once a month. It

651
00:30:54,200 --> 00:30:57,000
Speaker 1: just has to be like that it's happening again because

652
00:30:57,080 --> 00:30:59,200
Speaker 1: it's something you may not want to do, but once

653
00:30:59,240 --> 00:31:01,040
Speaker 1: you do it, you feel better. It's like working out.

654
00:31:01,080 --> 00:31:04,520
Speaker 1: And if you cannot afford therapy, you know, do the

655
00:31:04,760 --> 00:31:08,120
Speaker 1: apps that have a therapist. Okay, if you cannot afford therapy,

656
00:31:08,440 --> 00:31:11,320
Speaker 1: go online and look up things that you know, people

657
00:31:11,400 --> 00:31:14,239
Speaker 1: like me and other people say like generational trauma or

658
00:31:14,320 --> 00:31:18,000
Speaker 1: like formative years, like I literally till yesterday did not

659
00:31:18,080 --> 00:31:20,440
Speaker 1: really realize and had to send to my friend who

660
00:31:20,480 --> 00:31:24,200
Speaker 1: was a complicated relationship with her mother the formative year thing,

661
00:31:24,240 --> 00:31:26,600
Speaker 1: which gave me some comfort. It made me realize, Okay,

662
00:31:26,920 --> 00:31:28,880
Speaker 1: maybe I'm not in a total basket case, because I

663
00:31:28,920 --> 00:31:31,640
Speaker 1: do have glimpses of love from when I was a kid,

664
00:31:32,560 --> 00:31:35,720
Speaker 1: and going through the old pictures is bringing me there.

665
00:31:35,720 --> 00:31:37,520
Speaker 1: And it made me very sad the first couple of

666
00:31:37,600 --> 00:31:43,160
Speaker 1: days of this grief, like tortuously, like bad, and because

667
00:31:43,200 --> 00:31:44,920
Speaker 1: I wanted my mommy and I wanted to be there

668
00:31:44,960 --> 00:31:47,480
Speaker 1: and I wanted more of it. And that move you

669
00:31:47,560 --> 00:31:50,440
Speaker 1: move through that, you move out of the bad, you

670
00:31:50,480 --> 00:31:54,440
Speaker 1: move into that, and then you move into like guilt

671
00:31:54,680 --> 00:31:56,760
Speaker 1: and like logic and what you could have done and

672
00:31:56,840 --> 00:31:58,360
Speaker 1: you could have brought you, you know, and then and then

673
00:31:58,440 --> 00:32:00,600
Speaker 1: you kind of go in and out of that, and

674
00:32:00,640 --> 00:32:03,000
Speaker 1: then you're just playing nostalgic songs and they're just reminding

675
00:32:03,040 --> 00:32:04,880
Speaker 1: you of something and you're just like honoring. I'm wearing

676
00:32:04,880 --> 00:32:06,560
Speaker 1: a ring that was my mother, that was mine when

677
00:32:06,600 --> 00:32:09,080
Speaker 1: I was thirteen, and a one that I bought with

678
00:32:09,120 --> 00:32:12,000
Speaker 1: Brynn recently in an antique shop that we believe is

679
00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:13,960
Speaker 1: the same one that I had when I was younger,

680
00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:15,760
Speaker 1: because I've never seen anyone else with it, but we

681
00:32:16,080 --> 00:32:18,200
Speaker 1: want to believe that this bee that I got for

682
00:32:18,240 --> 00:32:21,760
Speaker 1: like my confirmation, that's like a diamond script bee, and like,

683
00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:24,600
Speaker 1: you know, just trying to connect and like, there's a

684
00:32:24,640 --> 00:32:26,440
Speaker 1: beautiful picture of my mother when she looks like the

685
00:32:26,520 --> 00:32:29,880
Speaker 1: bandu sole, like this French beautiful woman, and she had

686
00:32:29,880 --> 00:32:31,680
Speaker 1: these two rings on that she wore every day and

687
00:32:31,680 --> 00:32:34,280
Speaker 1: I've always coveted them. And this friend of hers that

688
00:32:34,400 --> 00:32:36,840
Speaker 1: found like found these pictures sent a picture. I'm like,

689
00:32:36,840 --> 00:32:38,280
Speaker 1: oh my god, those are the rings, and she's like

690
00:32:38,320 --> 00:32:40,120
Speaker 1: in a scavenger hunt and she found them for me,

691
00:32:40,560 --> 00:32:42,160
Speaker 1: and it's making me so happy that she had this

692
00:32:42,200 --> 00:32:45,960
Speaker 1: friend of eleven years that I'm connecting with and that

693
00:32:48,480 --> 00:32:50,720
Speaker 1: you know, she deserves all this stuff. I'm like take

694
00:32:50,760 --> 00:32:52,720
Speaker 1: whatever you want and she's like, no, I want you

695
00:32:52,760 --> 00:32:53,960
Speaker 1: to have it all. And it's like, like I said,

696
00:32:54,000 --> 00:32:57,120
Speaker 1: cartier and stuff, real stuff. And it makes me happy

697
00:32:57,120 --> 00:32:58,320
Speaker 1: because it means she had a friend that she could

698
00:32:58,360 --> 00:33:00,520
Speaker 1: trust because anybody could have gone in there. My mother

699
00:33:00,640 --> 00:33:02,640
Speaker 1: was so vulnerable and anybody would take from her. Anybody

700
00:33:02,680 --> 00:33:04,480
Speaker 1: could have gone in there and stolen all this stuff.

701
00:33:04,720 --> 00:33:09,360
Speaker 1: And this beautiful person, Julia is her name, but it's

702
00:33:09,360 --> 00:33:11,920
Speaker 1: spelled like with an L. And she said to me

703
00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:14,400
Speaker 1: that she's now connecting with her mother because of this.

704
00:33:14,440 --> 00:33:16,320
Speaker 1: She bought her mother a ticket. So I'm feeling like

705
00:33:16,360 --> 00:33:18,760
Speaker 1: there's all these things swirling because of this death, and

706
00:33:19,000 --> 00:33:20,560
Speaker 1: I'm sharing it with you because a lot of things

707
00:33:20,600 --> 00:33:22,640
Speaker 1: are swirling with you and a lot of you are reconnecting.

708
00:33:22,640 --> 00:33:26,000
Speaker 1: And my friend is now thinking about therapy, and like

709
00:33:26,000 --> 00:33:28,280
Speaker 1: a lot of stuff is swirling with mothers and daughters

710
00:33:28,280 --> 00:33:31,520
Speaker 1: and it's and we're entering, we're coming into Mother's Day.

711
00:33:31,520 --> 00:33:33,840
Speaker 1: It's like the perfect time to talk about this stuff.

712
00:33:33,840 --> 00:33:35,560
Speaker 1: And I'm sending people a lot of messages saying it

713
00:33:35,560 --> 00:33:37,240
Speaker 1: doesn't matter. I know your mother abuse do. I know

714
00:33:37,320 --> 00:33:40,880
Speaker 1: she's angry and evil and all. It's not really about

715
00:33:40,920 --> 00:33:44,080
Speaker 1: that it's about doing something so you don't go through

716
00:33:44,160 --> 00:33:46,800
Speaker 1: like torture and trauma. Like take one part of that off,

717
00:33:47,040 --> 00:33:49,600
Speaker 1: Go send her a mixtape of songs from her generation,

718
00:33:49,680 --> 00:33:52,480
Speaker 1: write a letter, send a gift, because this person is

719
00:33:52,520 --> 00:33:55,240
Speaker 1: in tremendous pain. They've been evil, but they didn't just

720
00:33:55,280 --> 00:33:58,280
Speaker 1: wake up and decide to be evil. That's the generational trauma.

721
00:33:58,360 --> 00:34:01,280
Speaker 1: That's the stuff that comes from decades that was passed down.

722
00:34:02,000 --> 00:34:04,320
Speaker 1: And like, there are ways that I am like my mother,

723
00:34:04,560 --> 00:34:05,960
Speaker 1: even though it's stuff that I don't want to be.

724
00:34:06,320 --> 00:34:08,040
Speaker 1: And there are ways that I'm like my father, but

725
00:34:08,120 --> 00:34:10,040
Speaker 1: you know, at least to understand where you come from

726
00:34:10,040 --> 00:34:13,239
Speaker 1: and why. You know. I can be biting, you know,

727
00:34:13,640 --> 00:34:16,160
Speaker 1: but I've turned it into a good sometimes in the

728
00:34:16,200 --> 00:34:23,960
Speaker 1: sense that you know, my daughter's pretty incredible, and I

729
00:34:24,000 --> 00:34:26,000
Speaker 1: don't suffer fools, and I don't negotiate with terrorists, and

730
00:34:26,040 --> 00:34:27,920
Speaker 1: I'm strict in that way. She messes around me, she

731
00:34:27,960 --> 00:34:31,359
Speaker 1: disrespects me. She says something like, I snap it right away.

732
00:34:31,400 --> 00:34:34,879
Speaker 1: I don't let really any of them slide. I'm tremendously

733
00:34:34,920 --> 00:34:38,360
Speaker 1: loving and amazing, and I never turned down a snuggle.

734
00:34:38,560 --> 00:34:40,719
Speaker 1: I never turned down a cuddle. We hog I mean,

735
00:34:40,760 --> 00:34:44,200
Speaker 1: I live for my kid, but I don't play games.

736
00:34:44,239 --> 00:34:46,319
Speaker 1: And the way that I with my daughter that I've

737
00:34:46,360 --> 00:34:51,719
Speaker 1: handled it was is to like tell her the stories,

738
00:34:52,360 --> 00:34:57,239
Speaker 1: but like not you know, overwhelm her with it, you know.

739
00:34:57,360 --> 00:35:01,200
Speaker 1: And Melinda, my therapist, who's a psychoanaly is like so happy.

740
00:35:01,239 --> 00:35:03,480
Speaker 1: She's like can't believe. She's like, now the deep work

741
00:35:03,480 --> 00:35:05,600
Speaker 1: will happen. And the same thing with Breck. They're like,

742
00:35:05,600 --> 00:35:09,280
Speaker 1: this is profound because I feel different already. I feel

743
00:35:09,320 --> 00:35:12,160
Speaker 1: like different, even that I'm willing to go back to Saratoga,

744
00:35:12,239 --> 00:35:14,040
Speaker 1: even that I've been willing to like think about my

745
00:35:14,200 --> 00:35:16,640
Speaker 1: childhood and go there, it's a door that's been locked.

746
00:35:16,800 --> 00:35:19,839
Speaker 1: And reconnecting with people. Matt Littman said to me, Tody,

747
00:35:19,840 --> 00:35:22,439
Speaker 1: did you butt dial me? Because like, I don't talk

748
00:35:22,480 --> 00:35:25,040
Speaker 1: to my friends from that age. I transact with them

749
00:35:25,080 --> 00:35:26,879
Speaker 1: like once in a while, they'll be like someone will

750
00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:29,440
Speaker 1: see something and instagram a message me. But anyone from

751
00:35:29,880 --> 00:35:35,440
Speaker 1: pretty much my entire childhood until my twenties, with the

752
00:35:35,480 --> 00:35:37,920
Speaker 1: exception of two friends that I met in high school,

753
00:35:38,200 --> 00:35:40,440
Speaker 1: but I met them in boarding school, so I was

754
00:35:40,480 --> 00:35:42,759
Speaker 1: removed from the situation, and one of them I moved

755
00:35:42,760 --> 00:35:44,920
Speaker 1: out of boarding school into their house, just to give

756
00:35:44,960 --> 00:35:47,560
Speaker 1: you an idea of like I moved into another person's

757
00:35:47,560 --> 00:35:50,680
Speaker 1: home with it. You know, those are my two friends.

758
00:35:50,680 --> 00:35:52,719
Speaker 1: But it's interesting because I met them out of this

759
00:35:53,160 --> 00:35:55,960
Speaker 1: psychotic environment. So I've like they're they're in some sort

760
00:35:55,960 --> 00:35:58,880
Speaker 1: of separate bubble, you know, like they're they're they're they're

761
00:35:58,920 --> 00:36:01,960
Speaker 1: like protected from I did anybody that I met through

762
00:36:02,000 --> 00:36:04,799
Speaker 1: that entire life, even my friend Alyssa that I was

763
00:36:04,800 --> 00:36:06,760
Speaker 1: good friends with, whose mother took me to the hospital

764
00:36:06,760 --> 00:36:09,960
Speaker 1: when I had chicken pox because my stepfather John ignored

765
00:36:09,960 --> 00:36:11,200
Speaker 1: me when I said I had bumps all over my

766
00:36:11,200 --> 00:36:13,000
Speaker 1: stomach and like no one, like I had no parents

767
00:36:13,000 --> 00:36:15,799
Speaker 1: to take me to doctors. I hurt myself fell off

768
00:36:15,800 --> 00:36:18,439
Speaker 1: a mountain years ago. My mother kind of like blew

769
00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:20,239
Speaker 1: me off on the phone, like there was no compassion,

770
00:36:20,320 --> 00:36:23,520
Speaker 1: no caring, no chicken soup. When you don't feel well,

771
00:36:23,560 --> 00:36:25,279
Speaker 1: when you're an adult, no one's moving you into a

772
00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:27,920
Speaker 1: college dorm, no one's moving you out, no one's you know,

773
00:36:28,080 --> 00:36:30,839
Speaker 1: like I was in a so Alyssa, who's mother and

774
00:36:31,080 --> 00:36:34,360
Speaker 1: you know, horrified that I literally had chicken pox at

775
00:36:34,360 --> 00:36:35,960
Speaker 1: eighteen years old, took me to the hospital. I had

776
00:36:35,960 --> 00:36:38,880
Speaker 1: one hundred and five. I fainted when they took my blood.

777
00:36:39,320 --> 00:36:42,959
Speaker 1: Like all these people I've really kept at arm's length.

778
00:36:43,640 --> 00:36:46,160
Speaker 1: They're like, well, text me and I'll say thank you

779
00:36:46,239 --> 00:36:49,120
Speaker 1: and excel. Like they're just like I've cut them out.

780
00:36:49,160 --> 00:36:52,200
Speaker 1: I've like put them in a compartmentalized state. And now

781
00:36:52,239 --> 00:36:54,600
Speaker 1: I've been reconnecting with them, you know, because like I

782
00:36:54,600 --> 00:36:57,239
Speaker 1: can like deal with what part of my life they

783
00:36:57,640 --> 00:36:59,480
Speaker 1: were adjacent to. And I know a lot of this

784
00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:03,640
Speaker 1: is going to be like very familiar to and you

785
00:37:03,680 --> 00:37:08,319
Speaker 1: didn't even know it reading my old journals. And what's crazy, though,

786
00:37:08,360 --> 00:37:10,680
Speaker 1: is that John was like actually a pretty not a

787
00:37:10,719 --> 00:37:12,640
Speaker 1: bad terrible person. It's the only time he really ever

788
00:37:12,719 --> 00:37:15,279
Speaker 1: touched me, and there was a time he stopped touching her,

789
00:37:15,480 --> 00:37:21,800
Speaker 1: but his degenerate friends did sexually, you know, assault abused

790
00:37:21,800 --> 00:37:25,960
Speaker 1: me and because he was around degenerates. But he's eighty

791
00:37:26,000 --> 00:37:28,080
Speaker 1: two years old, and I forgive because he had a

792
00:37:28,120 --> 00:37:31,160
Speaker 1: heart and he cared and he was, you know, living

793
00:37:31,200 --> 00:37:33,839
Speaker 1: in a life of animals, like you know, and he

794
00:37:33,920 --> 00:37:36,840
Speaker 1: was enraged and substances, and you don't think about it

795
00:37:36,840 --> 00:37:38,360
Speaker 1: when you're young. You don't know like people could be

796
00:37:38,400 --> 00:37:40,319
Speaker 1: doing that are doing cocaine and like they're what they're doing,

797
00:37:40,320 --> 00:37:41,759
Speaker 1: you don't know what the hell they're doing. It's due

798
00:37:41,760 --> 00:37:43,960
Speaker 1: to fifty four. They're not doing you know, they're not

799
00:37:44,239 --> 00:37:47,880
Speaker 1: They're not drinking fucking boba. He did. He treated me

800
00:37:47,880 --> 00:37:49,439
Speaker 1: like a daughter, and I have he has to get

801
00:37:49,440 --> 00:37:52,879
Speaker 1: that credit. And he did admit what went on way

802
00:37:52,880 --> 00:37:56,279
Speaker 1: more than my mother did. And I'm gonna have a

803
00:37:56,360 --> 00:37:58,560
Speaker 1: driver take him because I don't think he can he can't.

804
00:37:58,640 --> 00:38:00,000
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna have him drive himself, but I'm gonn

805
00:38:00,160 --> 00:38:02,160
Speaker 1: have someone take him bring him to my house so

806
00:38:02,160 --> 00:38:04,800
Speaker 1: I have a property. It feels weird. He's Celiac, I guess,

807
00:38:05,120 --> 00:38:06,600
Speaker 1: and he's lost a lot of weight, and it feels

808
00:38:06,600 --> 00:38:08,319
Speaker 1: weird to like be in a restaurant with him. And

809
00:38:08,680 --> 00:38:10,560
Speaker 1: it's gonna be uncomfortable for me, it's gonna be comfortable

810
00:38:10,560 --> 00:38:12,960
Speaker 1: for Britney's and look very old and frail, and it's

811
00:38:13,000 --> 00:38:16,080
Speaker 1: gonna be triggering. But I'm gonna put that aside because

812
00:38:16,080 --> 00:38:17,399
Speaker 1: that's a lot of why I didn't see my mother.

813
00:38:17,920 --> 00:38:19,879
Speaker 1: And I'm going to have him brought here and sit

814
00:38:19,880 --> 00:38:21,600
Speaker 1: out on the lawn and he'll get to like watch

815
00:38:21,600 --> 00:38:25,000
Speaker 1: her do sports and he'll he asked about her metal.

816
00:38:25,040 --> 00:38:27,960
Speaker 1: I've been texting him. He texts very fast. We've been laughing.

817
00:38:28,320 --> 00:38:31,600
Speaker 1: We actually were talking about some of my personal traumas

818
00:38:31,640 --> 00:38:33,719
Speaker 1: that we've discussed on my other podcasts that you guys

819
00:38:33,760 --> 00:38:36,080
Speaker 1: won't listen to because I'm not going to get specific

820
00:38:36,160 --> 00:38:38,600
Speaker 1: right now, but you'll understand what I'm saying. And I

821
00:38:38,680 --> 00:38:41,279
Speaker 1: said to him that someone once told me when they

822
00:38:41,280 --> 00:38:44,799
Speaker 1: were kind of threatening me, now you're going to see

823
00:38:44,800 --> 00:38:47,759
Speaker 1: what I was like on the basketball court. Incidentally, he

824
00:38:47,800 --> 00:38:50,680
Speaker 1: was best friends with Rick Patino, the famous basketball coach

825
00:38:51,200 --> 00:38:54,000
Speaker 1: who actually named horses after like him and stuff like that.

826
00:38:55,239 --> 00:38:58,399
Speaker 1: And he was a big basketball fan. And he went

827
00:38:58,440 --> 00:39:02,720
Speaker 1: to Saint John's stepfather and it made me laugh because

828
00:39:02,760 --> 00:39:05,839
Speaker 1: this was a person who had played basketball, but not professionally,

829
00:39:06,040 --> 00:39:08,960
Speaker 1: just like was a good basketball player. And I said,

830
00:39:09,120 --> 00:39:11,000
Speaker 1: he was asking about a situation of my life. And

831
00:39:11,040 --> 00:39:13,359
Speaker 1: I said to him, this person said to me, now

832
00:39:13,360 --> 00:39:14,480
Speaker 1: you're going to see what I was like on the

833
00:39:14,480 --> 00:39:19,279
Speaker 1: basketball court. And I said, I said, I survived, and

834
00:39:19,320 --> 00:39:22,520
Speaker 1: I prevailed, and I fought hard, and I came out

835
00:39:22,520 --> 00:39:24,680
Speaker 1: on top. And I said to John Paracella, I said,

836
00:39:25,680 --> 00:39:28,440
Speaker 1: I said, I should have said back, Now you're going

837
00:39:28,520 --> 00:39:31,319
Speaker 1: to see what I was like on the racetrack at

838
00:39:31,360 --> 00:39:34,360
Speaker 1: five years old at the shoeshine stand, hanging out in

839
00:39:34,440 --> 00:39:36,839
Speaker 1: the jockeys room. I mean like and he laughed because

840
00:39:36,880 --> 00:39:40,080
Speaker 1: like he was like fu, he said, there's nobody the

841
00:39:40,200 --> 00:39:42,320
Speaker 1: NBA growing up. Now you're gonna see what I was

842
00:39:42,360 --> 00:39:45,359
Speaker 1: like on the NBA basketball court still does not hold

843
00:39:45,360 --> 00:39:48,720
Speaker 1: a candle to being raised on the racetrack by wolves

844
00:39:48,719 --> 00:39:52,960
Speaker 1: and animals. So we laughed because like it's very It's

845
00:39:53,000 --> 00:39:55,319
Speaker 1: like people want to know why I am like the

846
00:39:55,320 --> 00:39:56,719
Speaker 1: way I am. It's I was because I grew up

847
00:39:56,719 --> 00:40:00,279
Speaker 1: on the racetrack. It's like it's there's no place, you know,

848
00:40:00,440 --> 00:40:15,080
Speaker 1: it's not a place to be raised. I mean I

849
00:40:15,120 --> 00:40:17,960
Speaker 1: remember going to John Paracela and being at OTB off

850
00:40:18,000 --> 00:40:21,600
Speaker 1: track bedding, the degenerate place. People were smoking and like gambling.

851
00:40:21,800 --> 00:40:23,799
Speaker 1: It's seven years old. We'd stop at OTB because he

852
00:40:23,880 --> 00:40:26,239
Speaker 1: was John Paracelo. It was a degenerate gamber who'd crack

853
00:40:26,280 --> 00:40:28,920
Speaker 1: my piggy bank open for money. I mean, it's like crazy.

854
00:40:29,200 --> 00:40:31,000
Speaker 1: So this is like a memoir. In the end, this

855
00:40:31,040 --> 00:40:35,560
Speaker 1: is podcast. So Melinda, my psychoanalyst, said something so fascinating,

856
00:40:35,560 --> 00:40:37,080
Speaker 1: which you guys are going to think is interesting and

857
00:40:37,120 --> 00:40:41,120
Speaker 1: it's about she said, your mother. We came up with

858
00:40:41,160 --> 00:40:43,080
Speaker 1: this together. But like the fact that my mother would

859
00:40:43,080 --> 00:40:47,080
Speaker 1: have a lifelong eating disorder, which by the way, affected

860
00:40:47,120 --> 00:40:48,960
Speaker 1: me too. There was a time in like high school,

861
00:40:49,160 --> 00:40:51,200
Speaker 1: high school when people were talking about food, and I

862
00:40:51,200 --> 00:40:52,960
Speaker 1: talked to my daughter about that yesterday too, I told

863
00:40:53,000 --> 00:40:54,719
Speaker 1: her about the eating disorder. I was like, listen to me,

864
00:40:54,920 --> 00:40:56,680
Speaker 1: girls are going to come in with fat diets and

865
00:40:56,719 --> 00:40:58,319
Speaker 1: I only ate this and I look fat and I

866
00:40:58,320 --> 00:41:00,759
Speaker 1: look and I'm like, that will ruin your life. It's

867
00:41:00,760 --> 00:41:02,799
Speaker 1: almost like when people tell their kids, like, don't do

868
00:41:02,840 --> 00:41:05,360
Speaker 1: you do drugs, You'll die, Like it will ruin your life.

869
00:41:05,480 --> 00:41:07,120
Speaker 1: That's why we never talk about food in this house.

870
00:41:07,160 --> 00:41:09,000
Speaker 1: We don't talk about any why I was bad, I

871
00:41:09,080 --> 00:41:12,440
Speaker 1: was good. This thin weight, it's like not discussed in

872
00:41:12,480 --> 00:41:14,759
Speaker 1: my house. There was the word die is in the

873
00:41:14,760 --> 00:41:17,879
Speaker 1: word diet is not discussed. So and my whole life

874
00:41:17,920 --> 00:41:21,080
Speaker 1: it was my mother. Oh, I gained tampat like every day,

875
00:41:21,320 --> 00:41:23,120
Speaker 1: and I had that where there were times that I

876
00:41:23,160 --> 00:41:25,480
Speaker 1: took laxatives and there were times when I would in

877
00:41:25,680 --> 00:41:29,480
Speaker 1: living in that apartment in New York City where I

878
00:41:29,480 --> 00:41:32,680
Speaker 1: would you know, go out night and get drunk, go

879
00:41:33,239 --> 00:41:35,800
Speaker 1: to nightclubs, come home downstairs and eat like a whole

880
00:41:36,719 --> 00:41:39,560
Speaker 1: you know, Enteman's cake, or eat a pint device and

881
00:41:39,640 --> 00:41:41,960
Speaker 1: a binge because you were drinking. I did. Then college

882
00:41:42,000 --> 00:41:44,200
Speaker 1: to you get a whole pizza and then starve. I

883
00:41:44,239 --> 00:41:47,360
Speaker 1: never had the throw up that's disgusting. I never had that.

884
00:41:47,360 --> 00:41:49,239
Speaker 1: I could never make myself throw up, but like and

885
00:41:49,280 --> 00:41:51,759
Speaker 1: then would starve myself. I'm gonna be good, I'm gonna

886
00:41:51,800 --> 00:41:55,040
Speaker 1: be bad. So it wasn't a classic eating disorder like

887
00:41:55,160 --> 00:41:57,640
Speaker 1: that is like anorexic or believe it. But it was

888
00:41:57,640 --> 00:42:00,520
Speaker 1: a disorder because it wasn't in order. And that's what

889
00:42:00,560 --> 00:42:03,080
Speaker 1: I wrote Naturally Thin about because I don't know how

890
00:42:03,120 --> 00:42:05,080
Speaker 1: I got involved in my own life because I wanted

891
00:42:05,080 --> 00:42:07,759
Speaker 1: to be happy. Your life was defined by like I

892
00:42:07,840 --> 00:42:10,759
Speaker 1: was good, I was bad, I was fat, I was thin.

893
00:42:11,320 --> 00:42:14,239
Speaker 1: I gained way to ruin your day, you know, and

894
00:42:14,280 --> 00:42:16,359
Speaker 1: I was like twenty five pounds heavier because I had

895
00:42:16,360 --> 00:42:19,080
Speaker 1: no It was a disorder, but it wasn't in the

896
00:42:19,640 --> 00:42:23,680
Speaker 1: you know, it never got completely out of control. It

897
00:42:23,719 --> 00:42:27,320
Speaker 1: was more binge and never perd binge and then naughty

898
00:42:27,480 --> 00:42:29,279
Speaker 1: and be good, good, and bad. Those words are not

899
00:42:29,640 --> 00:42:31,799
Speaker 1: should not be associated with food. Food is not your

900
00:42:31,800 --> 00:42:35,359
Speaker 1: best friend or your enemy. That's naturally thin. But Melinda said,

901
00:42:36,040 --> 00:42:39,520
Speaker 1: I mean, Bethany, you have a brand called skinny Girl,

902
00:42:39,719 --> 00:42:43,480
Speaker 1: like like is it Freud? Is it? Who knows what?

903
00:42:43,560 --> 00:42:46,240
Speaker 1: But like and then that she was also in alcohol.

904
00:42:46,239 --> 00:42:52,839
Speaker 1: Her big disorders were we're eating and alcohol. I mean

905
00:42:52,840 --> 00:42:55,800
Speaker 1: I made all my money on alcohol. I mean, it's insane.

906
00:42:56,480 --> 00:42:59,479
Speaker 1: But skinny Girl is about having a good relationship with food.

907
00:42:59,520 --> 00:43:02,920
Speaker 1: It's about allowing. It was about allowing, like it was

908
00:43:02,960 --> 00:43:05,400
Speaker 1: never about depriving. The whole book, the whole brand was

909
00:43:05,440 --> 00:43:08,319
Speaker 1: about like, now you get to have a margarita that's

910
00:43:08,320 --> 00:43:11,520
Speaker 1: slightly sweet. Now you get to have microwave popcorn, but

911
00:43:11,560 --> 00:43:14,960
Speaker 1: it's better for you. Now you get to have salad dressings,

912
00:43:14,960 --> 00:43:17,239
Speaker 1: but they're better for you. It was never about depriving.

913
00:43:17,560 --> 00:43:21,680
Speaker 1: So it was like, somehow resolving that disorder. And yes,

914
00:43:21,760 --> 00:43:23,759
Speaker 1: the word skinny can be problematic, and if I were

915
00:43:23,840 --> 00:43:25,400
Speaker 1: naming it tomorrow, I wouldn't do that. It was just

916
00:43:25,600 --> 00:43:29,600
Speaker 1: the margarita was a skinnier version. But Freud would have

917
00:43:29,640 --> 00:43:31,759
Speaker 1: a fucking field day with that. Like that was like

918
00:43:31,800 --> 00:43:35,880
Speaker 1: a resolution to a disorder, and it became something you know,

919
00:43:35,920 --> 00:43:38,560
Speaker 1: that represents a healthier relationship with these things, to be

920
00:43:38,600 --> 00:43:43,239
Speaker 1: able to have Margerita whatever, and then alcohol, you know,

921
00:43:43,360 --> 00:43:45,360
Speaker 1: to have an alcohol brand and a wine brand. I

922
00:43:45,360 --> 00:43:48,240
Speaker 1: mean she drank wine, you know, out of the faucet.

923
00:43:48,920 --> 00:43:51,480
Speaker 1: So and then she said, and now, Bethany, this is

924
00:43:51,520 --> 00:43:53,560
Speaker 1: becoming so clear because I told her my mother wanted

925
00:43:53,600 --> 00:43:57,440
Speaker 1: to be a star. She wanted to be fabulous. You know,

926
00:43:57,560 --> 00:44:01,480
Speaker 1: she held me down. I wanted to go to acting classes.

927
00:44:01,520 --> 00:44:03,040
Speaker 1: She wouldn't take me. She had a friend she once

928
00:44:03,080 --> 00:44:05,239
Speaker 1: told me to made commercials. I badgered her day and night.

929
00:44:05,440 --> 00:44:08,200
Speaker 1: She she didn't take me. She once told me she

930
00:44:08,239 --> 00:44:10,960
Speaker 1: made She once told me intentionally, I guess that I

931
00:44:11,040 --> 00:44:12,839
Speaker 1: was offered a Disney contract when I was like five

932
00:44:12,920 --> 00:44:15,840
Speaker 1: years old, and that she turned it down. I regretted

933
00:44:15,840 --> 00:44:21,560
Speaker 1: it my whole life, my whole life. I obsessed over it,

934
00:44:22,280 --> 00:44:24,839
Speaker 1: like I could have been something. I could have had

935
00:44:24,880 --> 00:44:26,960
Speaker 1: a Disney contract, like when I was a little girl.

936
00:44:27,000 --> 00:44:28,560
Speaker 1: I begged her, why didn't you say yes? And like

937
00:44:28,600 --> 00:44:30,239
Speaker 1: I wanted to go backwards. I wanted her to call

938
00:44:30,280 --> 00:44:32,640
Speaker 1: the friend who did commercials. Like she never helped me.

939
00:44:32,719 --> 00:44:35,120
Speaker 1: She never she wanted to be famous, like she wanted

940
00:44:35,160 --> 00:44:37,560
Speaker 1: to be me. She was jealous of me like and

941
00:44:37,640 --> 00:44:41,840
Speaker 1: so Malinn and my father too, would name drop the

942
00:44:42,000 --> 00:44:45,200
Speaker 1: David Milch's and the dough Tories, and you know, he

943
00:44:45,239 --> 00:44:47,319
Speaker 1: was a horse trainer. He was good at one thing,

944
00:44:47,960 --> 00:44:49,200
Speaker 1: and he made a lot of He made a lot

945
00:44:49,239 --> 00:44:50,520
Speaker 1: of money. And I thought he was so rich. And

946
00:44:50,560 --> 00:44:52,520
Speaker 1: I was so enamored by the rich and my father's

947
00:44:52,600 --> 00:44:54,719
Speaker 1: rich and he lives in the Pacific Palisades and go

948
00:44:54,800 --> 00:44:57,680
Speaker 1: to the Derby and pretend and pretend and pretend. And

949
00:44:57,800 --> 00:45:01,440
Speaker 1: Melinda said, you, and I said, passed all of their goals.

950
00:45:01,760 --> 00:45:04,279
Speaker 1: I am wealthier, even even with inflation and all of it.

951
00:45:04,320 --> 00:45:07,680
Speaker 1: I'm more successful, more relevant, more wealthy than my father.

952
00:45:08,200 --> 00:45:11,960
Speaker 1: I and my Linda said to me, you surpassed and

953
00:45:12,000 --> 00:45:16,960
Speaker 1: you completed their goals, Like that's what happens with generational trauma,

954
00:45:17,040 --> 00:45:21,120
Speaker 1: Like you completed each of their goals. And that all

955
00:45:21,239 --> 00:45:23,960
Speaker 1: the times that people ask me why I have the

956
00:45:24,000 --> 00:45:26,120
Speaker 1: hard work and determination and the drive, I never go

957
00:45:26,200 --> 00:45:28,000
Speaker 1: deep enough. I think it's my father was very driven

958
00:45:28,040 --> 00:45:29,560
Speaker 1: and he was the best of what he did. And

959
00:45:29,640 --> 00:45:32,280
Speaker 1: my mother too, She was a worker. They were workers.

960
00:45:32,280 --> 00:45:34,680
Speaker 1: She worked her ass off. She didn't complain, she was

961
00:45:34,800 --> 00:45:38,279
Speaker 1: They were. They are people who worked. They are not complainers.

962
00:45:38,280 --> 00:45:40,879
Speaker 1: They are workers like I. You know, I'm surrounded by

963
00:45:40,880 --> 00:45:43,720
Speaker 1: people sometimes like people I've been in relationships with. People

964
00:45:43,760 --> 00:45:47,800
Speaker 1: want waw and they're complaining and what like pros play hurt.

965
00:45:48,239 --> 00:45:50,520
Speaker 1: That's how I grew up like pros play hurt. Period.

966
00:45:50,840 --> 00:45:54,480
Speaker 1: No complain, no explain, Like I work. You take all

967
00:45:54,480 --> 00:45:56,600
Speaker 1: my money today, I'll be at a restaurant. Tomorrow, I'll

968
00:45:56,640 --> 00:45:58,920
Speaker 1: be making money. I'll be working, I'll be bartending, I'll be.

969
00:45:59,160 --> 00:46:01,640
Speaker 1: I am a worker to day I die. And I

970
00:46:01,640 --> 00:46:04,280
Speaker 1: don't expect anyone to ever do anything that I've never done.

971
00:46:04,400 --> 00:46:10,080
Speaker 1: But I took whatever they did into the end zone,

972
00:46:10,520 --> 00:46:14,040
Speaker 1: you know. And there's something about that that I that

973
00:46:14,120 --> 00:46:17,400
Speaker 1: I like feel in my body like I did it,

974
00:46:17,480 --> 00:46:19,920
Speaker 1: I made it. And I think she thinks that that

975
00:46:20,200 --> 00:46:25,080
Speaker 1: is very related the hard work and drive. So there's

976
00:46:25,120 --> 00:46:27,359
Speaker 1: a lot that's like unfolding, and that's why it's been

977
00:46:27,360 --> 00:46:30,520
Speaker 1: good for me. The music, the walking, like the being alone,

978
00:46:30,520 --> 00:46:33,719
Speaker 1: like I'm using this to be good to like, you know,

979
00:46:33,760 --> 00:46:35,640
Speaker 1: work it out. Britt and I decided we were gonna

980
00:46:35,640 --> 00:46:38,480
Speaker 1: take cookies ashes, which have been in my laundry room

981
00:46:38,480 --> 00:46:41,440
Speaker 1: in a corner. For years, we have not touched them,

982
00:46:41,440 --> 00:46:43,680
Speaker 1: we have not addressed it. But we made a decision

983
00:46:43,680 --> 00:46:46,080
Speaker 1: that we would take my mother's ashes because her friend

984
00:46:46,080 --> 00:46:47,920
Speaker 1: that has been this good friend is gonna come here.

985
00:46:47,960 --> 00:46:51,600
Speaker 1: I'm gonna fly her here. I'm gonna send something, Send

986
00:46:51,680 --> 00:46:53,600
Speaker 1: some money to that woman who's been taking care of her,

987
00:46:53,600 --> 00:46:55,640
Speaker 1: who's like at her house, like take care of as

988
00:46:55,640 --> 00:46:58,560
Speaker 1: many people as I can. Fly her friend here, have

989
00:46:58,680 --> 00:47:00,480
Speaker 1: her stay here, put her in a hotel, hell, give

990
00:47:00,480 --> 00:47:02,480
Speaker 1: her an experience. She's reconnected with her mother, as I

991
00:47:02,520 --> 00:47:05,960
Speaker 1: told you. And we're gonna put the ashes with cookies.

992
00:47:06,000 --> 00:47:08,280
Speaker 1: I think in the water my new house in the Hampton,

993
00:47:08,400 --> 00:47:10,359
Speaker 1: so like Cookie and my mother are together. I know none.

994
00:47:10,719 --> 00:47:12,920
Speaker 1: This is all not real, and like you know, it's

995
00:47:12,960 --> 00:47:15,360
Speaker 1: things that we make up and you know our lives,

996
00:47:15,400 --> 00:47:17,400
Speaker 1: but maybe it is real. I said to Brim, what

997
00:47:17,400 --> 00:47:19,680
Speaker 1: do you think happens? She said, I don't know, Mama.

998
00:47:19,680 --> 00:47:21,919
Speaker 1: She said, I think you come back. I think you recarnate.

999
00:47:22,560 --> 00:47:24,080
Speaker 1: She didn't say those words, so I think you come

1000
00:47:24,080 --> 00:47:26,200
Speaker 1: back as something else. I said what she said, like,

1001
00:47:27,120 --> 00:47:29,959
Speaker 1: and I was sharing with Michael Capponi, my partner said

1002
00:47:30,000 --> 00:47:32,080
Speaker 1: he said, one day, I'll tell you what I think.

1003
00:47:32,120 --> 00:47:34,480
Speaker 1: And you know, he talked about the weaving of the

1004
00:47:34,520 --> 00:47:37,080
Speaker 1: souls and he's into cabala and spirituality. But he said,

1005
00:47:37,400 --> 00:47:40,440
Speaker 1: maybe one day, you know, bring comes back as your

1006
00:47:40,480 --> 00:47:43,560
Speaker 1: mother's daughter, and like all that gets resolved. And I

1007
00:47:43,600 --> 00:47:46,279
Speaker 1: can't see anything but my mother and my daughter right now.

1008
00:47:46,680 --> 00:47:48,960
Speaker 1: I can't see like you guys brought it to my attention.

1009
00:47:49,040 --> 00:47:50,879
Speaker 1: I had seen it myself, but was like thinking, it

1010
00:47:50,920 --> 00:47:52,920
Speaker 1: is it true? And she looks like her and she

1011
00:47:52,960 --> 00:47:55,719
Speaker 1: has that like seventies essence of her, so I can't

1012
00:47:55,719 --> 00:47:58,160
Speaker 1: see anything. But and I was thinking maybe cookie and

1013
00:47:58,160 --> 00:48:00,399
Speaker 1: bring love issh, like can we do that, mama? And

1014
00:48:00,880 --> 00:48:02,799
Speaker 1: all the stuff the way I sell bags and that

1015
00:48:02,840 --> 00:48:04,879
Speaker 1: a lie address that I can't believe this woman found

1016
00:48:04,880 --> 00:48:08,440
Speaker 1: in my mother's closet from thirty years ago. All of

1017
00:48:08,480 --> 00:48:10,879
Speaker 1: this stuff is going to come. And Broom was like, please, Mama,

1018
00:48:10,920 --> 00:48:12,759
Speaker 1: please don't do it without me, like please, And I

1019
00:48:12,800 --> 00:48:15,160
Speaker 1: hate stuff, but I'm like, I can't wait for it

1020
00:48:15,200 --> 00:48:16,560
Speaker 1: to come, and I can't wait to go through it

1021
00:48:16,560 --> 00:48:20,680
Speaker 1: with Brin. So that's all got you know, got meaning.

1022
00:48:22,239 --> 00:48:32,400
Speaker 1: And it's just important that I really mention well first

1023
00:48:32,560 --> 00:48:35,120
Speaker 1: that there have been a lot of signs. You know.

1024
00:48:35,440 --> 00:48:36,920
Speaker 1: My mother was the one who'd say to me, a

1025
00:48:36,920 --> 00:48:38,399
Speaker 1: black crow is a design of death. And I saw

1026
00:48:38,480 --> 00:48:40,040
Speaker 1: black crow the other day just like by itself and

1027
00:48:40,040 --> 00:48:43,279
Speaker 1: it wouldn't move, and I like, I remember her saying that,

1028
00:48:43,360 --> 00:48:46,000
Speaker 1: and so that was meaningful to me. So many crazy

1029
00:48:46,040 --> 00:48:50,120
Speaker 1: memories that like are so insane. It's a movie. It's

1030
00:48:50,160 --> 00:48:53,480
Speaker 1: like literally it's a movie. So I have, you know,

1031
00:48:53,560 --> 00:48:55,759
Speaker 1: I can't really just make it all that. It was

1032
00:48:55,760 --> 00:48:57,960
Speaker 1: like I was living every day and my house was

1033
00:48:58,000 --> 00:49:00,920
Speaker 1: like shit, it wasn't they were just it just wasn't

1034
00:49:01,080 --> 00:49:04,000
Speaker 1: a child's house, you know. But take these moments with

1035
00:49:04,040 --> 00:49:06,879
Speaker 1: your family, Take these moments with your kids. Take these

1036
00:49:06,880 --> 00:49:11,160
Speaker 1: moments and really appreciate them, like as Mother's Day comes,

1037
00:49:11,160 --> 00:49:15,360
Speaker 1: like appreciate them, cherish them because they're like fireflies. I

1038
00:49:15,360 --> 00:49:17,760
Speaker 1: think it's so crazy that they call that movie Firefly

1039
00:49:17,880 --> 00:49:20,799
Speaker 1: Lane because they're like fireflies, like they're fleeting. And then

1040
00:49:20,840 --> 00:49:23,520
Speaker 1: you're in a bed crying at fifty three and you're

1041
00:49:23,560 --> 00:49:27,279
Speaker 1: like remembering just like an ice cream cone with your

1042
00:49:27,280 --> 00:49:30,160
Speaker 1: mother that's like the firefly like popcorn in the middle

1043
00:49:30,160 --> 00:49:31,800
Speaker 1: of you know, on a road, Like why do I

1044
00:49:31,880 --> 00:49:35,120
Speaker 1: just remember rest stop popcorn. Like I and Bryn recently

1045
00:49:35,160 --> 00:49:36,759
Speaker 1: when I was going to go that weekend, she was like,

1046
00:49:36,840 --> 00:49:38,239
Speaker 1: wanted to go on a road trip because I have

1047
00:49:38,239 --> 00:49:40,279
Speaker 1: a driver, he always drives us. It's like I want

1048
00:49:40,280 --> 00:49:41,960
Speaker 1: to go just mom and Peanut and I want to go,

1049
00:49:42,320 --> 00:49:44,000
Speaker 1: and like we're going to take a road trip. I'm

1050
00:49:44,000 --> 00:49:46,400
Speaker 1: planning a trip this summer. You know, pictures on my

1051
00:49:46,480 --> 00:49:48,760
Speaker 1: mother from me and taking me to Egypt and Greece,

1052
00:49:48,800 --> 00:49:51,239
Speaker 1: and like this summer, I'm taking her on a special trip,

1053
00:49:51,239 --> 00:49:52,960
Speaker 1: but not just like one of these like fancy like

1054
00:49:53,000 --> 00:49:55,520
Speaker 1: Sancho pe I'm taking her somewhere or see something that

1055
00:49:55,600 --> 00:49:59,000
Speaker 1: we haven't seen. So it's got meaning. I'm making meaning

1056
00:49:59,000 --> 00:50:01,279
Speaker 1: out of this, and I believe I'll be have a

1057
00:50:01,520 --> 00:50:04,880
Speaker 1: more open heart, more forgiving. And I've taken the entirety

1058
00:50:05,360 --> 00:50:08,560
Speaker 1: of my mother and I've put this, all of this

1059
00:50:08,640 --> 00:50:11,799
Speaker 1: through a strainer and it's I'm I just have the

1060
00:50:11,800 --> 00:50:14,879
Speaker 1: good now, I'm just I just have the good and

1061
00:50:15,719 --> 00:50:18,799
Speaker 1: there's I'm gonna make meaning out of it. And this

1062
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Speaker 1: podcast has been such a gift to have a place

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00:50:20,920 --> 00:50:22,719
Speaker 1: to put this. I have like had this inside and

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00:50:22,760 --> 00:50:25,200
Speaker 1: me even writing notes, reading journals, listening to letters all

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00:50:25,239 --> 00:50:30,520
Speaker 1: of it. And and I had an experience recently where

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00:50:30,560 --> 00:50:34,160
Speaker 1: Brynn was feeling from you know, someone that she had

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00:50:34,160 --> 00:50:35,719
Speaker 1: the weight of the world and she's feeling guilty and

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00:50:35,719 --> 00:50:37,919
Speaker 1: someone's making her feel guilty of something about something, and

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00:50:38,040 --> 00:50:40,600
Speaker 1: she feels everything and like she's wearing it. And you know,

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00:50:41,320 --> 00:50:43,600
Speaker 1: one day we'll get into the pandemic. And and how

1071
00:50:43,680 --> 00:50:46,520
Speaker 1: much she had on her back when she my kid

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00:50:46,560 --> 00:50:49,880
Speaker 1: broke down bad. And that's how we started her therapy.

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Speaker 1: I said to her yesterday, you are a butterfly, and

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Speaker 1: you have to do what work, what is good for

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00:50:55,200 --> 00:50:56,600
Speaker 1: you and what is healthy for you. And I will

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00:50:56,640 --> 00:50:59,279
Speaker 1: always support that you are not living my life. You

1077
00:50:59,320 --> 00:51:02,600
Speaker 1: are not living any parents life. It's amazing that she

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00:51:02,719 --> 00:51:04,239
Speaker 1: right now is making meaning out of this and wanting

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00:51:04,280 --> 00:51:05,960
Speaker 1: to spend time with her grandparents and wanting to be

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00:51:06,000 --> 00:51:09,880
Speaker 1: more thoughtful, et cetera. I said, regarding anything negative in

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00:51:09,920 --> 00:51:12,560
Speaker 1: her feeling this pressure as that you are living your

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00:51:12,680 --> 00:51:17,520
Speaker 1: this is your life. You fly, But love you guys,

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00:51:17,600 --> 00:51:19,680
Speaker 1: Thank you, and thank you for all the messages I'm

1084
00:51:19,719 --> 00:51:22,279
Speaker 1: learning from you as much as hopefully you're learning or

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00:51:22,520 --> 00:51:27,440
Speaker 1: just expressing or being inspired by whatever this brings up.

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Speaker 1: For you,