WEBVTT - Support Those In Dangerous Situations 0:00:01.920 --> 0:00:05.480 Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm nedroglover to WIB and you 0:00:05.720 --> 0:00:09.200 need to hear this. In today's episode, we are talking 0:00:09.240 --> 0:00:12.200 about a sensitive topic. I don't think we've followed this 0:00:12.320 --> 0:00:15.720 topic before on the podcast, but today we are talking 0:00:15.880 --> 0:00:21.320 about domestic violence in your area. There are support services 0:00:21.360 --> 0:00:25.040 available and if you are experiencing domestic violence, or if 0:00:25.040 --> 0:00:29.720 you know of someone who is experiencing domestic violence, it 0:00:29.720 --> 0:00:32.720 can be very helpful for you to have that information 0:00:33.680 --> 0:00:37.920 and to utilize it when you need. So in today's call, 0:00:38.000 --> 0:00:42.960 we're talking to a mother who decided to leave her perpetrator, 0:00:43.120 --> 0:00:45.720 and to no surprise, you know, there are people around 0:00:45.760 --> 0:00:49.199 her who are not being supportive of this. But listen, 0:00:49.760 --> 0:00:52.040 there are times in our lives where we need to 0:00:52.080 --> 0:00:55.600 make a safety decision and it is not for other 0:00:55.680 --> 0:00:59.240 people to decide what is best when you are trying 0:00:59.360 --> 0:01:03.960 to stay alive and be safe. So let's listen to 0:01:03.960 --> 0:01:06.759 today's car and if it gets tough for you at 0:01:06.840 --> 0:01:08.720 any moments, feel free to pause. 0:01:10.319 --> 0:01:15.280 Dan Al, I'm going through brutal divorce. I ran out 0:01:15.319 --> 0:01:17.920 of my own home with my two children and just 0:01:18.000 --> 0:01:21.920 my phone a year back. At that time, my husband 0:01:22.120 --> 0:01:26.360 was having a complete mental breakdown, and I feared for 0:01:26.600 --> 0:01:30.720 my and my children's lives. My daughter is almost seven 0:01:30.800 --> 0:01:33.959 and my son is four. I fired for divorce six 0:01:34.000 --> 0:01:38.560 months later, and my husband's threats and blues has intensified 0:01:38.720 --> 0:01:44.080 against me and my family. He would send threats on 0:01:44.240 --> 0:01:47.360 what'sapp and he would also come over to the building 0:01:47.640 --> 0:01:54.200 to issue his threats in person. I have find a 0:01:54.200 --> 0:01:57.400 domestic wilding complete as I has gone to the police 0:01:57.400 --> 0:01:59.919 for help. To give you a background, I was married 0:02:00.080 --> 0:02:03.960 for eight years, and before that really did for ten years. 0:02:04.080 --> 0:02:07.240 I met him when I was eighteen. It's only shown 0:02:07.240 --> 0:02:10.120 an interest in women, but I saw that things would 0:02:10.120 --> 0:02:13.400 settle down once we got married, but it only worsened 0:02:13.760 --> 0:02:17.639 once I got pregnant with my first child. He had 0:02:17.639 --> 0:02:20.160 a fact but he would come and tell me that 0:02:20.360 --> 0:02:24.120 he had slept with some woman, some intern in his office. 0:02:25.880 --> 0:02:28.320 If I got upset about it, he would shut and 0:02:28.440 --> 0:02:31.760 see that I was fussing. I was being mean. Why 0:02:31.800 --> 0:02:35.200 wouldn't I just accept it? After all, he was being honest. 0:02:35.680 --> 0:02:37.960 Why couldn't I handle such things with more grease? 0:02:40.360 --> 0:02:42.639 Thank you for writing the end. I know that this 0:02:42.800 --> 0:02:46.880 is not an easy story to share, and this is 0:02:46.919 --> 0:02:51.720 the first time that we have maybe talked about domestic 0:02:51.880 --> 0:02:55.680 violence in a direct way on this podcast, So thank 0:02:55.720 --> 0:02:59.000 you for sharing this because someone needs to hear it today. 0:03:00.760 --> 0:03:04.840 When you are in a violent situation, you know, the 0:03:05.040 --> 0:03:11.320 abuse starts to happen emotionally before any physical abuse is done. 0:03:11.360 --> 0:03:16.360 The mental and the emotional abuse happens first. And having 0:03:16.400 --> 0:03:19.440 someone say to you, you know, why can't you just 0:03:19.560 --> 0:03:22.560 accept it or what's wrong with you? After they do 0:03:22.639 --> 0:03:26.880 something that's not great behavior or they're mean or they're abusive, 0:03:27.280 --> 0:03:30.840 that is also part of the abuse. And I'm sure 0:03:30.919 --> 0:03:34.600 that you know it leaves you questioning yourself and wondering like, 0:03:34.720 --> 0:03:37.280 is there something wrong with me? Am I you know, 0:03:37.360 --> 0:03:41.480 not handling this situation well, And it's no, You're being 0:03:41.520 --> 0:03:46.400 given a situation that really people aren't supposed to handle well. 0:03:46.760 --> 0:03:52.440 And so you know, as you're going through this divorce process, 0:03:52.720 --> 0:03:56.480 there will have to be some rewiring that you do 0:03:56.920 --> 0:04:00.600 to better understand that this was also a part of 0:04:00.640 --> 0:04:04.280 the abuse. There will be some ruminating, some thoughts that 0:04:04.400 --> 0:04:08.640 constantly come up and replaying of situations because you may 0:04:08.720 --> 0:04:12.280 find that you know, at the time, I didn't think 0:04:12.320 --> 0:04:15.320 it was maybe a problem, but now that I'm thinking 0:04:15.360 --> 0:04:17.960 about it. That doesn't feel right that that person said 0:04:18.000 --> 0:04:20.960 that to me, or it doesn't feel right that I 0:04:21.040 --> 0:04:24.080 allow them to do that. So as you're going through 0:04:24.120 --> 0:04:27.760 this process, you will notice some replying, and it just 0:04:27.839 --> 0:04:32.200 means that your brain is now able to process some 0:04:32.279 --> 0:04:35.240 of this stuff and really go through it. So you know, 0:04:35.320 --> 0:04:38.640 the most brutal part of this is like the memories 0:04:38.960 --> 0:04:42.840 of all the things you endured during this marriage. 0:04:44.400 --> 0:04:47.960 My son was wondering the people of Covid in twenty 0:04:48.040 --> 0:04:52.320 twenty April, and the lockdome period of two years was rightful. 0:04:53.080 --> 0:04:56.080 He often talked about how I was never there for him. 0:04:56.160 --> 0:04:58.159 I never had time for him, which is why he 0:04:58.240 --> 0:05:01.400 had to look out for others really to satisfy his 0:05:01.480 --> 0:05:05.640 physical and emotional needs. I took care of our kids 0:05:05.800 --> 0:05:08.000 back then. My daughter was three and my son was 0:05:08.279 --> 0:05:11.880 You're born all by myself. He isolated me from my family, 0:05:11.880 --> 0:05:15.400 even though my parents stayed two minutes away from where 0:05:15.440 --> 0:05:19.320 I stay. He also started to physically abuse me by 0:05:19.360 --> 0:05:22.000 holding my neck, pinning me to the wole and saying, 0:05:22.000 --> 0:05:24.520 what will you do? You know, try and escape, let 0:05:24.560 --> 0:05:29.480 me see what can you do. He also started to 0:05:29.520 --> 0:05:33.880 physically abuse my daughter. He threatened her. He would often 0:05:34.080 --> 0:05:35.920 say to her, do you want me to come there? 0:05:37.080 --> 0:05:39.880 You don't want me to come there? You know what 0:05:39.920 --> 0:05:45.840 I'm going to do to you. She was frightened. Around 0:05:45.839 --> 0:05:48.240 a year before I left, he started to force me 0:05:48.360 --> 0:05:51.240 to date other men. I simply refused and I was 0:05:51.279 --> 0:05:53.880 not interested. I told him, look, you go ahead to 0:05:53.960 --> 0:05:57.320 whatever you want, but I need a peaceful home. I 0:05:57.360 --> 0:06:02.320 need a peaceful environment. By then, he claimed that he 0:06:02.360 --> 0:06:06.120 has left with over forty women that year, and now 0:06:06.320 --> 0:06:09.960 things were not as exciting with me since I refused 0:06:09.960 --> 0:06:13.160 to beat his angle and physical violence, his threats and 0:06:13.240 --> 0:06:15.560 abuse of them was and worth delay. Now out of 0:06:15.600 --> 0:06:18.520 my home, fearing for our lives. 0:06:21.640 --> 0:06:25.560 You know, as I hear this, I am proud of 0:06:25.720 --> 0:06:31.880 you for protecting yourself and your family in this situation. 0:06:33.040 --> 0:06:37.719 To endure this for any length of time, it sounds 0:06:37.760 --> 0:06:42.640 like you know something that will certainly be long term impactful. 0:06:42.800 --> 0:06:47.000 And even in the midst of this, you trying to 0:06:47.080 --> 0:06:50.800 maintain your home environment and make sure that you are 0:06:50.800 --> 0:06:54.680 honoring yourself and disagreeing. And I know that that you 0:06:54.720 --> 0:06:57.560 know made things worse for you, But it sounds like 0:06:57.800 --> 0:07:01.559 it was really important for you to do in those 0:07:01.760 --> 0:07:06.480 moments to really bargain with him for your small pieces 0:07:06.600 --> 0:07:10.800 of freedom was really important to you. I want to 0:07:10.920 --> 0:07:13.720 keep listening, and as we listen, you know, I want 0:07:13.800 --> 0:07:17.080 you to think about listener the people in your life 0:07:17.120 --> 0:07:24.160 who are in unhappy relationships, going through difficult divorces, in 0:07:24.320 --> 0:07:31.360 domestic violence situations, or just questionable circumstances. How can we 0:07:31.400 --> 0:07:35.760 support them? How can we show up for them when 0:07:35.800 --> 0:07:40.320 they sometimes can't show up for themselves. What words of encouragement, 0:07:40.520 --> 0:07:44.760 what resources? What can we give to a person who's 0:07:44.840 --> 0:07:47.880 going through a situation that you know, maybe we don't 0:07:48.000 --> 0:07:53.440 understand or our understanding is limited. How can we help 0:07:53.520 --> 0:07:56.800 them along the path of, you know, leaving. I think 0:07:56.960 --> 0:08:00.320 often we feel like, well, if a person has a 0:08:00.360 --> 0:08:02.520 problem and they're ready to leave, they will come to 0:08:02.560 --> 0:08:05.560 me and let me know. But it's much harder than that, 0:08:05.720 --> 0:08:10.720 as we can hear that these processes unfold over time, 0:08:11.400 --> 0:08:15.200 and people aren't all mean to you at once. You know, 0:08:15.320 --> 0:08:18.280 It's like it happens in these small bursts, and then 0:08:18.320 --> 0:08:21.160 there's night, then they're nice, and then they repair, and 0:08:21.160 --> 0:08:25.720 then it happens again, and it's this constant cycle of abuse, 0:08:25.840 --> 0:08:28.800 and so it is really important for us to be 0:08:28.880 --> 0:08:32.280 able to be patient with people who are in abusive 0:08:32.360 --> 0:08:36.960 relationships and also to not force them to leave because 0:08:36.960 --> 0:08:39.920 they have to be ready. Now. Certainly, if there is 0:08:39.960 --> 0:08:43.240 a danger situation, it could be helpful to safety plan 0:08:43.320 --> 0:08:45.280 with a friend, and what that might look like is 0:08:45.640 --> 0:08:50.480 giving them a list of domestic violence shelters in the 0:08:50.520 --> 0:08:53.920 neighborhood or in your community, just letting them know, hey, 0:08:54.080 --> 0:08:56.200 you know, if you run into an issue, it could 0:08:56.200 --> 0:08:58.360 be the middle of the night, anytime of day, here's 0:08:58.400 --> 0:09:02.200 an agency or an organization that could help you, and 0:09:02.240 --> 0:09:04.000 you can leave that there. You don't have to say 0:09:04.040 --> 0:09:06.240 you have to call or ask them about it anymore. 0:09:06.400 --> 0:09:10.440 Just give them the resource. So how we support people 0:09:11.040 --> 0:09:16.080 certainly matters in these situations. Let's take a quick break 0:09:16.160 --> 0:09:18.240 and we will come back and finish listening. 0:09:23.440 --> 0:09:26.680 My question is his father keeps telling me that I 0:09:26.760 --> 0:09:29.120 am the only one that can talk to him because 0:09:29.440 --> 0:09:32.360 he trusted me back then and I would be the 0:09:32.360 --> 0:09:35.800 only one who could counsel him and help and see reality. 0:09:36.160 --> 0:09:39.640 When we had a meeting with the judge, he was 0:09:39.720 --> 0:09:43.720 so dramatic. He cried and he talked about my kids, 0:09:43.800 --> 0:09:48.360 my children, and the judge instead of telling him anything, 0:09:48.480 --> 0:09:51.040 counseled me that I should not keep the children away. 0:09:51.160 --> 0:09:53.760 I could make sure the children were not scared of him. 0:09:56.280 --> 0:09:59.079 When I didn't meet a help is, she told me that, look, 0:09:59.280 --> 0:10:02.400 this is a person who might be suffering from some 0:10:02.480 --> 0:10:06.400 mental health issue and you should support him. You could 0:10:06.440 --> 0:10:09.600 help him, and divorce was not a good idea right now. 0:10:09.640 --> 0:10:12.680 Given this stream of mind, he might not be able 0:10:12.679 --> 0:10:17.520 to handle it and his mental health may version. Now. 0:10:17.559 --> 0:10:19.760 I do not wish for this man to be anywhere 0:10:19.800 --> 0:10:22.440 near my children, but I fear I will not see 0:10:22.520 --> 0:10:26.840 that happen. Even the court are not supporting me. How 0:10:26.880 --> 0:10:29.440 do I handle such a situation? How do I protect 0:10:29.440 --> 0:10:34.720 my children and myself from him? He met the children 0:10:35.440 --> 0:10:40.319 once last month and he abused me and my family 0:10:40.360 --> 0:10:44.560 in front of them. And he keeps interrogating the children 0:10:44.559 --> 0:10:46.480 who came to see you. Was that your uncle? What 0:10:46.600 --> 0:10:49.640 gives to you there? And he uses all that information 0:10:50.360 --> 0:10:55.959 against me by issuing threat by stopping my family members. 0:10:56.600 --> 0:10:59.160 I don't know what to do because I'm not able 0:10:59.160 --> 0:11:05.040 to see the lighted this it's done and advice, I 0:11:05.080 --> 0:11:08.199 would greek you appreciate that. Thanks. 0:11:10.160 --> 0:11:13.600 I'm hearing a need for more support in your area. 0:11:13.800 --> 0:11:19.080 In your community, there are domestic violent shelters and advocates 0:11:19.120 --> 0:11:22.000 who are more aware of the law in your area. 0:11:22.880 --> 0:11:25.760 And it sounds like you are at a time and 0:11:25.840 --> 0:11:29.920 certainly in a space where you need to contact someone 0:11:30.040 --> 0:11:33.360 on your behalf. I live in Charlotte, North Carolina, and 0:11:33.440 --> 0:11:38.120 there is an agency here that does domestic violence screenings 0:11:38.160 --> 0:11:41.360 and they will help you with Foley restraining orders, help 0:11:41.440 --> 0:11:46.920 you with relocation monies, and even some financial support to 0:11:47.080 --> 0:11:50.680 help you set yourself up. And in your area there 0:11:50.720 --> 0:11:54.920 is very likely a similar support. It can be really 0:11:55.000 --> 0:11:59.000 helpful for you to tap into those because it sounds 0:11:59.040 --> 0:12:02.880 like family saying you know this person is going through 0:12:02.920 --> 0:12:05.199 an issue and you need to stay in the situation, 0:12:05.440 --> 0:12:08.800 but for your safety. It sounds like you are making 0:12:08.920 --> 0:12:12.760 a different choice, and so having someone familiar with the 0:12:12.880 --> 0:12:17.360 landscape of your community is going to be very beneficial. 0:12:17.440 --> 0:12:19.959 There are many people who will have something to say 0:12:20.600 --> 0:12:24.199 who may not support your decision, whether that is cultural, 0:12:24.280 --> 0:12:26.960 whether that is just you know, their belief system that 0:12:27.120 --> 0:12:30.480 people can work through this. It's something that you may 0:12:30.559 --> 0:12:32.920 come up against, but also something that might not be 0:12:33.040 --> 0:12:36.760 very helpful for you in this situation. So I would 0:12:36.760 --> 0:12:40.280 certainly say, you know, find some support in your community 0:12:40.600 --> 0:12:45.120 that aligns with what you need in this moment, and 0:12:45.160 --> 0:12:51.480 it's not encouragement around staying in a very dangerous situation. 0:12:51.840 --> 0:12:54.120 And this could work for your husband too, if he 0:12:54.240 --> 0:12:57.200 wants to find some sort of support to help him 0:12:57.280 --> 0:13:01.920 with his domestic violence issues, that possible. You know, there 0:13:02.000 --> 0:13:05.040 are people who help perpetrators as well. It's not just 0:13:05.080 --> 0:13:08.720 for victims. There are services for perpetrators. So if that's 0:13:08.720 --> 0:13:10.880 something that he wants to do and get some mental 0:13:10.880 --> 0:13:16.160 health assistance or maybe get some support around this, he can. 0:13:16.440 --> 0:13:19.040 But you know, at this time, we are worried about 0:13:19.080 --> 0:13:21.960 you and the things that you need, so tapping into 0:13:22.120 --> 0:13:26.320 some resources in your community will be very helpful and 0:13:26.400 --> 0:13:29.800 will give you the safety and comfort that you need 0:13:29.880 --> 0:13:34.480 at this time. All mental health professionals are not created equal. 0:13:34.640 --> 0:13:37.160 I will not stand up for anybody in my field 0:13:37.160 --> 0:13:38.920 that I do not know, but I will say this, 0:13:39.360 --> 0:13:42.160 sometimes we get bad information from people, and if you're 0:13:42.200 --> 0:13:45.200 in a dangerous situation and someone is telling you to 0:13:45.280 --> 0:13:49.080 consider the other person and stay, I would reconsider that 0:13:49.160 --> 0:13:53.320 advice because it can, you know, be detrimental for you 0:13:53.559 --> 0:13:56.840 to not be in a dangerous situation, you know, so 0:13:57.480 --> 0:14:00.560 the advice of oh my gosh, this person is going 0:14:00.600 --> 0:14:04.280 through this thing, that could be true. And also you 0:14:04.320 --> 0:14:06.520 may need to find a new person to talk to 0:14:07.640 --> 0:14:11.360 as a mental health professional. Sure, people who are perpetrators 0:14:11.400 --> 0:14:16.000 probably have some mental health issues. However, not everyone with 0:14:16.200 --> 0:14:19.960 mental health issues abuse other people, and so that must 0:14:19.960 --> 0:14:23.200 be said as well that you know, of course we 0:14:23.320 --> 0:14:25.920 want to make sure that but you know, I mentioned 0:14:25.960 --> 0:14:29.000 that there's treatment on both sides. Is not a one 0:14:29.120 --> 0:14:32.520 sided resource for treatment. It's like, no, both people can 0:14:32.600 --> 0:14:34.960 get treatment, and you may not need to be with 0:14:35.000 --> 0:14:38.280 a person who's abusive to you. So this idea that 0:14:38.400 --> 0:14:41.280 you have to be really sensitive to the person's mental 0:14:41.320 --> 0:14:46.720 health needs when you're being mistreated, how sensitive And are 0:14:46.760 --> 0:14:49.920 there safety issues you know that we need to be 0:14:50.040 --> 0:14:52.920 concerned about are you at risk? If you're at risk, 0:14:53.160 --> 0:14:55.120 I don't think you need to, you know, wait it 0:14:55.160 --> 0:14:58.320 out and consider it. If someone is doing something to 0:14:58.360 --> 0:15:02.480 themselves or they're in the early stages of exhibiting something, 0:15:02.680 --> 0:15:04.520 maybe that's something where it's like, oh my gosh, let 0:15:04.600 --> 0:15:07.200 me get this person some support. But when mental health 0:15:07.280 --> 0:15:10.480 issues have been turned on you in a very violent way. 0:15:11.040 --> 0:15:13.200 That is not the time to take care of the 0:15:13.240 --> 0:15:17.720 person who is being violent. So if you are stuck 0:15:17.760 --> 0:15:20.360 on oh my gosh, this person has a mental health 0:15:20.400 --> 0:15:23.000 issue and I should help them, you may want to 0:15:23.160 --> 0:15:27.600 err towards helping yourself. Deciding to leave someone is never 0:15:27.840 --> 0:15:31.800 an easy decision, especially when you're leaving under a state 0:15:31.840 --> 0:15:34.360 of panic and without the support of other people in 0:15:34.400 --> 0:15:37.600 your life. So I know this is a tough decision, 0:15:37.640 --> 0:15:41.680 but it also sounds like it's a very safe one. 0:15:41.960 --> 0:15:48.080 You need to hear this. We can be a resource 0:15:48.240 --> 0:15:50.960 for the people in our lives. You know, if we 0:15:51.080 --> 0:15:55.200 know someone in a domestic violent situation, it might be 0:15:55.320 --> 0:15:57.640 helpful for us to have some phone numbers to be 0:15:57.720 --> 0:16:01.000 able to share to connect them with people who have 0:16:01.120 --> 0:16:05.000 been in similar situations to them. That can be the 0:16:05.080 --> 0:16:09.160 support that they need in this moment. So, if you 0:16:09.520 --> 0:16:14.240 are unable to help, being a resource is a really 0:16:14.360 --> 0:16:20.280 beautiful way that we can show up for people. You 0:16:20.400 --> 0:16:23.520 need to hear. This is an iHeart production host it 0:16:23.560 --> 0:16:29.160 by Mendra Glover to WOP. Our executive producer is Joel Balnique. 0:16:29.400 --> 0:16:33.680 Our senior producer and editor is Mia don Taylor. Send 0:16:33.760 --> 0:16:36.960 us a voice memo with your questions about boundaries and 0:16:37.000 --> 0:16:42.200 relationships at you need to Hear this at iHeartMedia dot com. 0:16:42.560 --> 0:16:45.720 Please be sure to rate our show wherever you listen 0:16:45.800 --> 0:16:49.320 to it, and share this episode with someone who needs 0:16:49.360 --> 0:16:52.000 to hear this. Talk to you next time.