Speaker 1: Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm nedroglover to WIB and you
Speaker 1: need to hear this. In today's episode, we are talking
Speaker 1: about a sensitive topic. I don't think we've followed this
Speaker 1: topic before on the podcast, but today we are talking
Speaker 1: about domestic violence in your area. There are support services
Speaker 1: available and if you are experiencing domestic violence, or if
Speaker 1: you know of someone who is experiencing domestic violence, it
Speaker 1: can be very helpful for you to have that information
Speaker 1: and to utilize it when you need. So in today's call,
Speaker 1: we're talking to a mother who decided to leave her perpetrator,
Speaker 1: and to no surprise, you know, there are people around
Speaker 1: her who are not being supportive of this. But listen,
Speaker 1: there are times in our lives where we need to
Speaker 1: make a safety decision and it is not for other
Speaker 1: people to decide what is best when you are trying
Speaker 1: to stay alive and be safe. So let's listen to
Speaker 1: today's car and if it gets tough for you at
Speaker 1: any moments, feel free to pause.
Speaker 2: Dan Al, I'm going through brutal divorce. I ran out
Speaker 2: of my own home with my two children and just
Speaker 2: my phone a year back. At that time, my husband
Speaker 2: was having a complete mental breakdown, and I feared for
Speaker 2: my and my children's lives. My daughter is almost seven
Speaker 2: and my son is four. I fired for divorce six
Speaker 2: months later, and my husband's threats and blues has intensified
Speaker 2: against me and my family. He would send threats on
Speaker 2: what'sapp and he would also come over to the building
Speaker 2: to issue his threats in person. I have find a
Speaker 2: domestic wilding complete as I has gone to the police
Speaker 2: for help. To give you a background, I was married
Speaker 2: for eight years, and before that really did for ten years.
Speaker 2: I met him when I was eighteen. It's only shown
Speaker 2: an interest in women, but I saw that things would
Speaker 2: settle down once we got married, but it only worsened
Speaker 2: once I got pregnant with my first child. He had
Speaker 2: a fact but he would come and tell me that
Speaker 2: he had slept with some woman, some intern in his office.
Speaker 2: If I got upset about it, he would shut and
Speaker 2: see that I was fussing. I was being mean. Why
Speaker 2: wouldn't I just accept it? After all, he was being honest.
Speaker 2: Why couldn't I handle such things with more grease?
Speaker 1: Thank you for writing the end. I know that this
Speaker 1: is not an easy story to share, and this is
Speaker 1: the first time that we have maybe talked about domestic
Speaker 1: violence in a direct way on this podcast, So thank
Speaker 1: you for sharing this because someone needs to hear it today.
Speaker 1: When you are in a violent situation, you know, the
Speaker 1: abuse starts to happen emotionally before any physical abuse is done.
Speaker 1: The mental and the emotional abuse happens first. And having
Speaker 1: someone say to you, you know, why can't you just
Speaker 1: accept it or what's wrong with you? After they do
Speaker 1: something that's not great behavior or they're mean or they're abusive,
Speaker 1: that is also part of the abuse. And I'm sure
Speaker 1: that you know it leaves you questioning yourself and wondering like,
Speaker 1: is there something wrong with me? Am I you know,
Speaker 1: not handling this situation well, And it's no, You're being
Speaker 1: given a situation that really people aren't supposed to handle well.
Speaker 1: And so you know, as you're going through this divorce process,
Speaker 1: there will have to be some rewiring that you do
Speaker 1: to better understand that this was also a part of
Speaker 1: the abuse. There will be some ruminating, some thoughts that
Speaker 1: constantly come up and replaying of situations because you may
Speaker 1: find that you know, at the time, I didn't think
Speaker 1: it was maybe a problem, but now that I'm thinking
Speaker 1: about it. That doesn't feel right that that person said
Speaker 1: that to me, or it doesn't feel right that I
Speaker 1: allow them to do that. So as you're going through
Speaker 1: this process, you will notice some replying, and it just
Speaker 1: means that your brain is now able to process some
Speaker 1: of this stuff and really go through it. So you know,
Speaker 1: the most brutal part of this is like the memories
Speaker 1: of all the things you endured during this marriage.
Speaker 2: My son was wondering the people of Covid in twenty
Speaker 2: twenty April, and the lockdome period of two years was rightful.
Speaker 2: He often talked about how I was never there for him.
Speaker 2: I never had time for him, which is why he
Speaker 2: had to look out for others really to satisfy his
Speaker 2: physical and emotional needs. I took care of our kids
Speaker 2: back then. My daughter was three and my son was
Speaker 2: You're born all by myself. He isolated me from my family,
Speaker 2: even though my parents stayed two minutes away from where
Speaker 2: I stay. He also started to physically abuse me by
Speaker 2: holding my neck, pinning me to the wole and saying,
Speaker 2: what will you do? You know, try and escape, let
Speaker 2: me see what can you do. He also started to
Speaker 2: physically abuse my daughter. He threatened her. He would often
Speaker 2: say to her, do you want me to come there?
Speaker 2: You don't want me to come there? You know what
Speaker 2: I'm going to do to you. She was frightened. Around
Speaker 2: a year before I left, he started to force me
Speaker 2: to date other men. I simply refused and I was
Speaker 2: not interested. I told him, look, you go ahead to
Speaker 2: whatever you want, but I need a peaceful home. I
Speaker 2: need a peaceful environment. By then, he claimed that he
Speaker 2: has left with over forty women that year, and now
Speaker 2: things were not as exciting with me since I refused
Speaker 2: to beat his angle and physical violence, his threats and
Speaker 2: abuse of them was and worth delay. Now out of
Speaker 2: my home, fearing for our lives.
Speaker 1: You know, as I hear this, I am proud of
Speaker 1: you for protecting yourself and your family in this situation.
Speaker 1: To endure this for any length of time, it sounds
Speaker 1: like you know something that will certainly be long term impactful.
Speaker 1: And even in the midst of this, you trying to
Speaker 1: maintain your home environment and make sure that you are
Speaker 1: honoring yourself and disagreeing. And I know that that you
Speaker 1: know made things worse for you, But it sounds like
Speaker 1: it was really important for you to do in those
Speaker 1: moments to really bargain with him for your small pieces
Speaker 1: of freedom was really important to you. I want to
Speaker 1: keep listening, and as we listen, you know, I want
Speaker 1: you to think about listener the people in your life
Speaker 1: who are in unhappy relationships, going through difficult divorces, in
Speaker 1: domestic violence situations, or just questionable circumstances. How can we
Speaker 1: support them? How can we show up for them when
Speaker 1: they sometimes can't show up for themselves. What words of encouragement,
Speaker 1: what resources? What can we give to a person who's
Speaker 1: going through a situation that you know, maybe we don't
Speaker 1: understand or our understanding is limited. How can we help
Speaker 1: them along the path of, you know, leaving. I think
Speaker 1: often we feel like, well, if a person has a
Speaker 1: problem and they're ready to leave, they will come to
Speaker 1: me and let me know. But it's much harder than that,
Speaker 1: as we can hear that these processes unfold over time,
Speaker 1: and people aren't all mean to you at once. You know,
Speaker 1: It's like it happens in these small bursts, and then
Speaker 1: there's night, then they're nice, and then they repair, and
Speaker 1: then it happens again, and it's this constant cycle of abuse,
Speaker 1: and so it is really important for us to be
Speaker 1: able to be patient with people who are in abusive
Speaker 1: relationships and also to not force them to leave because
Speaker 1: they have to be ready. Now. Certainly, if there is
Speaker 1: a danger situation, it could be helpful to safety plan
Speaker 1: with a friend, and what that might look like is
Speaker 1: giving them a list of domestic violence shelters in the
Speaker 1: neighborhood or in your community, just letting them know, hey,
Speaker 1: you know, if you run into an issue, it could
Speaker 1: be the middle of the night, anytime of day, here's
Speaker 1: an agency or an organization that could help you, and
Speaker 1: you can leave that there. You don't have to say
Speaker 1: you have to call or ask them about it anymore.
Speaker 1: Just give them the resource. So how we support people
Speaker 1: certainly matters in these situations. Let's take a quick break
Speaker 1: and we will come back and finish listening.
Speaker 2: My question is his father keeps telling me that I
Speaker 2: am the only one that can talk to him because
Speaker 2: he trusted me back then and I would be the
Speaker 2: only one who could counsel him and help and see reality.
Speaker 2: When we had a meeting with the judge, he was
Speaker 2: so dramatic. He cried and he talked about my kids,
Speaker 2: my children, and the judge instead of telling him anything,
Speaker 2: counseled me that I should not keep the children away.
Speaker 2: I could make sure the children were not scared of him.
Speaker 2: When I didn't meet a help is, she told me that, look,
Speaker 2: this is a person who might be suffering from some
Speaker 2: mental health issue and you should support him. You could
Speaker 2: help him, and divorce was not a good idea right now.
Speaker 2: Given this stream of mind, he might not be able
Speaker 2: to handle it and his mental health may version. Now.
Speaker 2: I do not wish for this man to be anywhere
Speaker 2: near my children, but I fear I will not see
Speaker 2: that happen. Even the court are not supporting me. How
Speaker 2: do I handle such a situation? How do I protect
Speaker 2: my children and myself from him? He met the children
Speaker 2: once last month and he abused me and my family
Speaker 2: in front of them. And he keeps interrogating the children
Speaker 2: who came to see you. Was that your uncle? What
Speaker 2: gives to you there? And he uses all that information
Speaker 2: against me by issuing threat by stopping my family members.
Speaker 2: I don't know what to do because I'm not able
Speaker 2: to see the lighted this it's done and advice, I
Speaker 2: would greek you appreciate that. Thanks.
Speaker 1: I'm hearing a need for more support in your area.
Speaker 1: In your community, there are domestic violent shelters and advocates
Speaker 1: who are more aware of the law in your area.
Speaker 1: And it sounds like you are at a time and
Speaker 1: certainly in a space where you need to contact someone
Speaker 1: on your behalf. I live in Charlotte, North Carolina, and
Speaker 1: there is an agency here that does domestic violence screenings
Speaker 1: and they will help you with Foley restraining orders, help
Speaker 1: you with relocation monies, and even some financial support to
Speaker 1: help you set yourself up. And in your area there
Speaker 1: is very likely a similar support. It can be really
Speaker 1: helpful for you to tap into those because it sounds
Speaker 1: like family saying you know this person is going through
Speaker 1: an issue and you need to stay in the situation,
Speaker 1: but for your safety. It sounds like you are making
Speaker 1: a different choice, and so having someone familiar with the
Speaker 1: landscape of your community is going to be very beneficial.
Speaker 1: There are many people who will have something to say
Speaker 1: who may not support your decision, whether that is cultural,
Speaker 1: whether that is just you know, their belief system that
Speaker 1: people can work through this. It's something that you may
Speaker 1: come up against, but also something that might not be
Speaker 1: very helpful for you in this situation. So I would
Speaker 1: certainly say, you know, find some support in your community
Speaker 1: that aligns with what you need in this moment, and
Speaker 1: it's not encouragement around staying in a very dangerous situation.
Speaker 1: And this could work for your husband too, if he
Speaker 1: wants to find some sort of support to help him
Speaker 1: with his domestic violence issues, that possible. You know, there
Speaker 1: are people who help perpetrators as well. It's not just
Speaker 1: for victims. There are services for perpetrators. So if that's
Speaker 1: something that he wants to do and get some mental
Speaker 1: health assistance or maybe get some support around this, he can.
Speaker 1: But you know, at this time, we are worried about
Speaker 1: you and the things that you need, so tapping into
Speaker 1: some resources in your community will be very helpful and
Speaker 1: will give you the safety and comfort that you need
Speaker 1: at this time. All mental health professionals are not created equal.
Speaker 1: I will not stand up for anybody in my field
Speaker 1: that I do not know, but I will say this,
Speaker 1: sometimes we get bad information from people, and if you're
Speaker 1: in a dangerous situation and someone is telling you to
Speaker 1: consider the other person and stay, I would reconsider that
Speaker 1: advice because it can, you know, be detrimental for you
Speaker 1: to not be in a dangerous situation, you know, so
Speaker 1: the advice of oh my gosh, this person is going
Speaker 1: through this thing, that could be true. And also you
Speaker 1: may need to find a new person to talk to
Speaker 1: as a mental health professional. Sure, people who are perpetrators
Speaker 1: probably have some mental health issues. However, not everyone with
Speaker 1: mental health issues abuse other people, and so that must
Speaker 1: be said as well that you know, of course we
Speaker 1: want to make sure that but you know, I mentioned
Speaker 1: that there's treatment on both sides. Is not a one
Speaker 1: sided resource for treatment. It's like, no, both people can
Speaker 1: get treatment, and you may not need to be with
Speaker 1: a person who's abusive to you. So this idea that
Speaker 1: you have to be really sensitive to the person's mental
Speaker 1: health needs when you're being mistreated, how sensitive And are
Speaker 1: there safety issues you know that we need to be
Speaker 1: concerned about are you at risk? If you're at risk,
Speaker 1: I don't think you need to, you know, wait it
Speaker 1: out and consider it. If someone is doing something to
Speaker 1: themselves or they're in the early stages of exhibiting something,
Speaker 1: maybe that's something where it's like, oh my gosh, let
Speaker 1: me get this person some support. But when mental health
Speaker 1: issues have been turned on you in a very violent way.
Speaker 1: That is not the time to take care of the
Speaker 1: person who is being violent. So if you are stuck
Speaker 1: on oh my gosh, this person has a mental health
Speaker 1: issue and I should help them, you may want to
Speaker 1: err towards helping yourself. Deciding to leave someone is never
Speaker 1: an easy decision, especially when you're leaving under a state
Speaker 1: of panic and without the support of other people in
Speaker 1: your life. So I know this is a tough decision,
Speaker 1: but it also sounds like it's a very safe one.
Speaker 1: You need to hear this. We can be a resource
Speaker 1: for the people in our lives. You know, if we
Speaker 1: know someone in a domestic violent situation, it might be
Speaker 1: helpful for us to have some phone numbers to be
Speaker 1: able to share to connect them with people who have
Speaker 1: been in similar situations to them. That can be the
Speaker 1: support that they need in this moment. So, if you
Speaker 1: are unable to help, being a resource is a really
Speaker 1: beautiful way that we can show up for people. You
Speaker 1: need to hear. This is an iHeart production host it
Speaker 1: by Mendra Glover to WOP. Our executive producer is Joel Balnique.
Speaker 1: Our senior producer and editor is Mia don Taylor. Send
Speaker 1: us a voice memo with your questions about boundaries and
Speaker 1: relationships at you need to Hear this at iHeartMedia dot com.
Speaker 1: Please be sure to rate our show wherever you listen
Speaker 1: to it, and share this episode with someone who needs
Speaker 1: to hear this. Talk to you next time.