Speaker 1: Scrubbing In with Becca Tilly and Tanya rat An iHeartRadio podcast.
Speaker 2: Hello everybody, we are scrubbing in.
Speaker 1: Scrub a dumb a dumb.
Speaker 3: Wow.
Speaker 2: That had like a sensual jazz tone to it.
Speaker 1: I'm in my ovulatory phase, so I'm feeling a little
Speaker 1: sexual and sensual today.
Speaker 4: Oh great, Thank you so much for sharing with you
Speaker 4: all of us.
Speaker 1: You're so welcome.
Speaker 4: Thank you.
Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, well prepared for that information, but I do
Speaker 2: appreciate it.
Speaker 1: Did I catch you off guard?
Speaker 4: Glad to know where you are? In your face? Yes,
Speaker 4: I think I'm ludial?
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, pre period, Yes, a little in your feels
Speaker 1: uh not feels a little dark. I was a little dark,
Speaker 1: a little tired, very tired.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I also just got back from the Louisiana last night,
Speaker 2: so I'm like very tired on.
Speaker 4: Top of just ludial tired. She Oh that's rough. But
Speaker 4: I'm so excited to be here with you. Are you
Speaker 4: so excited?
Speaker 1: Want to talk about your trip to Louisiana?
Speaker 2: Yeah, so I went to Louisiana to see my nephew.
Speaker 2: I if you are from the South, football is like
Speaker 2: a culture in the South, Like it is like you
Speaker 2: start him young, and it is game time from as
Speaker 2: soon as they start flag football till they're you know,
Speaker 2: beyond that. So I have four nephews and all of
Speaker 2: them are in football, and I haven't I've gotten to
Speaker 2: see a couple of them play here and there, but
Speaker 2: they all play during the week, and this was the
Speaker 2: last week that they all had a game when I
Speaker 2: was there, so I was like, I'm just gonna head
Speaker 2: out there and see them all play. So I got
Speaker 2: to watch them all and it was so fun. My
Speaker 2: sister Katie, she's my oldest sister. I'm just amazed by
Speaker 2: what she does with five children. Honestly, it's the schedule
Speaker 2: of getting the kids to school and then getting the
Speaker 2: kids to practice, and she has a baby that's won
Speaker 2: so she has a toddler that.
Speaker 4: She's chasing around.
Speaker 2: I was like, I am exhausted when I've done a
Speaker 2: couple loads of laundry.
Speaker 4: It's crazy.
Speaker 1: Yeah, seeing it first hand, I'm sure, because it's like
Speaker 1: you can imagine it, but then seeing it first hand
Speaker 1: takes it to a whole other level.
Speaker 2: We also, I'm one of five kids, but we were
Speaker 2: all girls. We were four girls and a boy, so
Speaker 2: we were like flipped that, so it's like the energy
Speaker 2: is a little different. But also I was in it,
Speaker 2: so I don't know what it was like being a
Speaker 2: parent to it, but just thinking of the contrast of
Speaker 2: my life and.
Speaker 4: Like the things that exhausted really were put into perspective.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's just like you don't even know.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but she also is just like it's her, like
Speaker 2: she loves it, It's what she wanted. So it's very
Speaker 2: much just like, yeah, this is this is what this
Speaker 2: is every day and I'm like, wow, so.
Speaker 4: You never aren't doing these things.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's pretty wild to like imagine, Like I feel
Speaker 1: like trying to figure out my own schedule is challenging
Speaker 1: in and of itself. Throwing in five other humans into
Speaker 1: that mix is pretty wild.
Speaker 4: Crazy, But it was.
Speaker 2: It was really fun and my parents droven so I
Speaker 2: got to see my parents too, so it was great.
Speaker 4: Good times. Got back last night and here we are.
Speaker 1: And you did you started celebrating your birthday.
Speaker 4: Oh oh my gosh, thank you for reminding me.
Speaker 1: So that's what I'm here for.
Speaker 4: Just so, when I flew.
Speaker 2: Into Louisiana, I got there at like eight at night,
Speaker 2: and so normally the whole family comes to get me,
Speaker 2: Like it's really cute because like everyone's there at the
Speaker 2: airport when when you land, and it was like my mom,
Speaker 2: my dad, my brother in law, one of my nephews,
Speaker 2: and then the baby Harlowe and the vibe was kind
Speaker 2: of weird, and I was like, did something happen?
Speaker 3: Is ever?
Speaker 4: Like everyone was talking kind of.
Speaker 1: Weird as they would as they would.
Speaker 4: And I asked my mom. I was like, is everything okay?
Speaker 4: And she's like, yeah, yeah, you know.
Speaker 2: So then I get to their house and I walk
Speaker 2: in and it's like dimly lit and there's like the most.
Speaker 4: Beautiful setup I know.
Speaker 2: So my sister and my mom are so talented and
Speaker 2: like thoughtful and how they decorate and stuff. And it
Speaker 2: was an early birthday celebration and she did it and
Speaker 2: like it was inspired by love Shack Fancy and so it.
Speaker 4: Was like bows and like it was just so beautiful.
Speaker 4: It literally looked like a work event dinner. Yeah, it
Speaker 4: was so pretty.
Speaker 2: It was so cul So they surprised me and then
Speaker 2: they got me a gift. I'm really wanting to do
Speaker 2: a gallery wall in my house of just like random pieces,
Speaker 2: like things that mean a lot to me, So like
Speaker 2: framed art frame like that I did that like paint
Speaker 2: by diamonds thing, you know, and like.
Speaker 1: Oh so just not like photos, like all different photos.
Speaker 4: But then like I got this.
Speaker 2: I found this print that says Chateau mor Mom, which
Speaker 2: is where Haley and I had like our drinks for
Speaker 2: the first time. So I want to frame that, but
Speaker 2: my mom and my sister got me a framed. It's
Speaker 2: like the music for Hungry Heart, which is Hailey song
Speaker 2: that she wrote about me. So it's like the framed
Speaker 2: like uh music.
Speaker 4: Sheet, so like the what do you call it? Like
Speaker 4: the chords or whatever? No, so she had asked.
Speaker 2: I had told my mom that I wanted to do
Speaker 2: a gallery wall, so they came up with doing like
Speaker 2: the chords for or Katie called and asked Haley, what's
Speaker 2: the song that means a lot, you know, a lot
Speaker 2: to y'all, And Haley's like, well, I wrote this one
Speaker 2: kind of.
Speaker 1: About us, so that makes me emotion.
Speaker 2: So it was really really special and if I felt
Speaker 2: so loved because God look at me, I feel like.
Speaker 4: They were. They was just so.
Speaker 2: Thoughtful and nice and unexpected and it meant a lot
Speaker 2: to me. So it was a really fun, special way
Speaker 2: to kick off my birthday and my nephews couldn't believe
Speaker 2: I'm thirty six.
Speaker 4: So that felt nice too.
Speaker 1: That feels yeah, that's what they think you were twenty six.
Speaker 5: Uh.
Speaker 4: He's like, I go, oh, what do you think?
Speaker 2: I was like twenty two, obviously kidding, and he goes, no,
Speaker 2: like twenty like twenty nine.
Speaker 4: I was like, okay, think I'll take twenty nine.
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, that is so nice.
Speaker 2: I know, it's really it was really really special. I
Speaker 2: feel like my sister and my mom could have an
Speaker 2: events company, Like if they lived out here, I would
Speaker 2: hire them for so many things for like the things
Speaker 2: that we do at home and stuff. Yeah, the dinners
Speaker 2: you host alone at your home, you could really put
Speaker 2: them to work.
Speaker 1: Really could put them to work, because the aesthetic is
Speaker 1: not my forte. The vibe and the food we got
Speaker 1: that vibes and the food, but the decor is not.
Speaker 1: I'm not a green.
Speaker 2: Thumb speaking of we had a very exciting time at
Speaker 2: your home celebrating. We celebrated a party at your house
Speaker 2: because you said yes to the dress.
Speaker 1: I sure did.
Speaker 4: Wow, she has got the dress.
Speaker 1: She's got she's got the dress. Yes, it was really nice.
Speaker 1: And you know, what's what I'm really like loving about
Speaker 1: all of this is like there's something and I can't
Speaker 1: even imagine what it's going to be like at my wedding.
Speaker 1: But that's like the one thing everybody says about your
Speaker 1: wedding that's so special is like seeing all the people
Speaker 1: that you love the most like together and every step
Speaker 1: along the way. Because it was like the dress appointment,
Speaker 1: so I had you there, had Paulina there, my future
Speaker 1: mother in law, my mom, and my sister, and having
Speaker 1: you all there for that was like so special. And
Speaker 1: then being able to like go home and have like
Speaker 1: my dad and Robbie's dad and the kids and you know,
Speaker 1: just like all of us together eating together, and his
Speaker 1: cousin and his aunt. It was just like really really
Speaker 1: special getting to just like see everybody interacting and like
Speaker 1: you playing basketball with the boys and like them like
Speaker 1: really bonding with you, and like, I don't know, just
Speaker 1: like I'll never forget that night, you know. So I'm
Speaker 1: just trying to like really like soak in all the
Speaker 1: little moments because it's really really cool.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it was really fun.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 4: I love his kids.
Speaker 2: They're so cute and they're so well mannered, and I
Speaker 2: was so impressed because one of them came up to
Speaker 2: your mom and he was like, Oh, I didn't see
Speaker 2: you come in.
Speaker 4: It's good to see you. And I was like, Oh,
Speaker 4: how do you learn this?
Speaker 5: That this?
Speaker 4: I didn't know that they.
Speaker 2: Did this still, so it's such a testament to how
Speaker 2: they're being raised and the kind of boys they are.
Speaker 1: So that's so I didn't know that.
Speaker 4: That's really really cute.
Speaker 2: Well, like, now that you feel like you have the dress,
Speaker 2: do you feel like because that's like that's the official
Speaker 2: thing that we've said like yes to so far.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And that's like the thing that's the one thing
Speaker 1: that everybody stressed me out about the most is the dress, Yeah,
Speaker 1: just because it takes so long to get it. You know, like, really,
Speaker 1: you can get married tomorrow if you wanted to. I
Speaker 1: mean not really tomorrow, but like you can you could
Speaker 1: get married. Yeah, true. But it's like the dress is
Speaker 1: the thing that takes the longest, right because everything else
Speaker 1: you can kind of line up and you know, flowers
Speaker 1: and decor and food you kind of like, you know,
Speaker 1: you can do closer to the date, but the dress
Speaker 1: is the thing that you need like the most. Lead time, right,
Speaker 1: So that was what was like really stressing me out.
Speaker 1: So that was like a huge like check, you did it.
Speaker 1: I did it well. And I'm really learning through this
Speaker 1: process that I have. I'm very indecisive.
Speaker 4: Do you have libra? Are you libra in anywhere? Are
Speaker 4: you anywhere in your chart?
Speaker 1: I don't know my chart. I'm just a cancer.
Speaker 4: Oh my gosh, I is not you know what's your tati.
Speaker 1: Misstating?
Speaker 4: Miss Tati is a fraud. I don't even know her.
Speaker 1: Rising And now no, I'm coming there might be some libra.
Speaker 4: Really, I have libracisive.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I've never actually, no, I have been this way.
Speaker 1: Like when it comes to dinner or stuff like that,
Speaker 1: I always defer really to like whoever. Yes, I learned
Speaker 1: that in Chicago. Yeah, but I've never thought of you
Speaker 1: as being that way. And until that trip where I
Speaker 1: was like, oh, like I'll know what I'll eat, Like
Speaker 1: I know what I know what I'm going to order
Speaker 1: when I go there.
Speaker 4: Yeah, you're decisive on.
Speaker 2: What you get once you're there, but making the decision
Speaker 2: and like correct the general group decision, you're not going
Speaker 2: to be the one to do it correct.
Speaker 1: And I don't think that's a great quality to have
Speaker 1: because some may say it's very go with the flow
Speaker 1: and very like chill girl, which is great, but also
Speaker 1: indecisive is kind of annoying.
Speaker 4: Well, it depends on who you're with.
Speaker 2: If you're with someone who's decisive, that being indecisive is
Speaker 2: fine because they get to like lead the way. If
Speaker 2: you're with another person who's indecisive, it's just in Chicago, yes, yeah,
Speaker 2: and one of us has to step up. And that's
Speaker 2: how Laura, my other best friend, is the same way.
Speaker 4: So I'll be like, what do you want to do?
Speaker 4: Like she comes to visit, I'm like, where do you
Speaker 4: want to go? What do you want to do? And
Speaker 4: she's like, I'm good for anything. And I'm like, but
Speaker 4: I live here, what do you right? She's like, whatever,
Speaker 4: you do anything, So you know, we just go.
Speaker 1: Around the circles. Yeah.
Speaker 2: So anyways, well that's good to know going into wedding
Speaker 2: planning because then you can be prepared for that.
Speaker 1: I know. But I've like himmed in Hot a hundred
Speaker 1: times about like bridesmaid dress colors and like it's like,
Speaker 1: just decide. It's really not that big of a deal.
Speaker 4: Yeah, No one cares about what dresses.
Speaker 1: They care about what dresses you guys are in.
Speaker 2: You won't, Yes, you do, you won't. Yeah, Like whatever
Speaker 2: you choose is gonna be great?
Speaker 1: Or will it?
Speaker 4: It will?
Speaker 1: There was a moment where I was an Emerald Green,
Speaker 1: an Emerald Green bridesmaid bride. I was like, I'm not
Speaker 1: an Emerald Green girl.
Speaker 6: Yeah, You're really not, And I was fully there was
Speaker 6: like a four day period where you guys were all
Speaker 6: in Emerald Green.
Speaker 1: Well yeah, okay.
Speaker 4: Well maybe maybe we passed some of those.
Speaker 2: Maybe you have two decisions and then you let like
Speaker 2: paul I feel like Pauline is a good.
Speaker 1: Decision making, good decision making, and let her be the one.
Speaker 1: Well she she also was signing off on the Emerald Green.
Speaker 4: So maybe I need to step again. It really practiced.
Speaker 1: It was like and even Sophia was like I love
Speaker 1: Emerald Green. I was like great, everybody was like loving it.
Speaker 1: And then I was like, I'm not an Emerald Green bride.
Speaker 4: Have you ever worn Emerald green? Never seen a.
Speaker 1: Green right now? Which is kind of weird? Is his
Speaker 1: mom green?
Speaker 5: Mom?
Speaker 1: And what is this?
Speaker 3: Jay?
Speaker 1: Uh?
Speaker 2: I don't know, like moss mossy green perfect?
Speaker 1: What I was going for but yeah, so I'm realizing
Speaker 1: that about myself a lot in the past, Like i'd
Speaker 1: say the past month, I've really been noticing it and
Speaker 1: I don't love it about myself. So really going to
Speaker 1: dig into that in therapy.
Speaker 4: Well, it's like you almost have to start going.
Speaker 2: It's almost like you have to shift your mentality of
Speaker 2: being decisive being a negative thing and being more like
Speaker 2: if someone has an issue with what I'm going to
Speaker 2: choose with my decision, then they need to speak up
Speaker 2: about it.
Speaker 1: Maybe it's a little bit of people pleaser in me
Speaker 1: because they totally because.
Speaker 2: You think it's like, oh, I'm I'm just being easy
Speaker 2: for everybody. No one can like say anything like oh
Speaker 2: I was difficult because I'm just going with the flow.
Speaker 2: Whereas if you just make a decision for me, if
Speaker 2: someone's like this is what we're doing and this is
Speaker 2: what time we're going, I'm like, I thank you right
Speaker 2: for doing that.
Speaker 1: But it's weird. So I think that's what I think
Speaker 1: my whole life, I've just been told like where to
Speaker 1: be at what time and what to do? Do you
Speaker 1: know what I mean? Like almost I don't want to
Speaker 1: say show pony, but like a little bit like that,
Speaker 1: and my wedding is like fully my responsibility, I mean,
Speaker 1: me and Robbie, but it's like us, you know, and
Speaker 1: so I'm like going into all these things of when
Speaker 1: you do destination, like you feel really guilty about like
Speaker 1: making people go somewhere, you know, and then you can
Speaker 1: kind of go back and you're like, Okay, but this
Speaker 1: is what we want, this is the vibe we want.
Speaker 1: We love it here. But then you let all that
Speaker 1: other stuff creep in and it's like it is it's
Speaker 1: all about people pleasing, and then it like makes you
Speaker 1: feel very indecisive and like I don't like it. Anyways,
Speaker 1: After this podcast, I'm gonna go home and I'm just
Speaker 1: make some decisions.
Speaker 4: That's right.
Speaker 1: Yeah, A dear about them? Yeah, yes, thank you so firm.
Speaker 1: You can do it, thank you, And I don't feel
Speaker 1: good to do it. I think it's gonna feel good too,
Speaker 1: because I've already decided I want you my bridesmaids, and
Speaker 1: like cream, oh cream, what was it the color I
Speaker 1: sent you?
Speaker 4: Like the kind of light pale yellow?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, cream, light pale yellow, yeah, water cream, butter cream, yes,
Speaker 1: butter cream. That's that's the bride. I am a butter
Speaker 1: cream brid butter cream bride with my butter cream brides maids.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, well I can't wait to see the butter
Speaker 2: cream dressing it to You.
Speaker 1: Can wear whatever you want.
Speaker 2: Butter cream feels like a niche color to mine. So
Speaker 2: byan decisiveness is about to flare up too, is it really?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 4: No, No, I'll be fine.
Speaker 1: I'm sure finding winding them and then dispersing the link.
Speaker 2: Yeah, tell her to make a power point. Yeah, this
Speaker 2: is what I envisioned.
Speaker 1: These are different options, everybody here, you go.
Speaker 4: Well, I definitely will be needing a spread dance.
Speaker 1: Before we go on to our dear Bonya. I would
Speaker 1: like to acknowledge that it is a big birthday today.
Speaker 4: Yes, it was yesterday, so I would.
Speaker 1: Like to I mean, it's just uh Becca and myself
Speaker 1: and Emily in the room, so it's going to be
Speaker 1: a bleak happy birthday. But nonetheless, we do we do
Speaker 1: need to engage in the birthday songs. Yeah, every direction. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so Emily take it away. Birthday here. Maybe let me
Speaker 1: swing this over to you, so that's not dead air.
Speaker 2: Happy birthday to you, Happy ber dear bac.
Speaker 4: Hap b birthday.
Speaker 1: Did you make a wish.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Wait, those were trick candles. They're supposed to like back
Speaker 1: up the tricky.
Speaker 2: Way.
Speaker 4: That's funny.
Speaker 1: Hey, I got relight candles.
Speaker 4: They're supposed to That means you can relight them.
Speaker 1: Oh I thought they were tricks so that they were
Speaker 1: gonna keep lighting back on fire. Dang.
Speaker 2: Shoot, I think they're just saying like, oh, you don't
Speaker 2: have to you can use them again.
Speaker 4: Oh I thought I have funny I know.
Speaker 1: I thought we're gonna have a really funny maha moment,
Speaker 1: and I just but.
Speaker 2: Instead you get to take those and reuse and reuse me.
Speaker 1: Do you want to make another wind? Did you make
Speaker 1: a good wish?
Speaker 4: I mean a good wish you did?
Speaker 1: Do you want to make another one? I can relight those.
Speaker 2: No, No, I feel like rewishing on the same candle
Speaker 2: as bad luck, even though you can relight it.
Speaker 1: Are you superstitious like that you're doing now? Ever since
Speaker 1: Jenna and Joe, who am I?
Speaker 4: I've imagined she would say don't take that on?
Speaker 2: She did, she'd probably say don't don't take that on?
Speaker 1: Yeah, And here I am too, tootooing my forehead.
Speaker 2: Wowway, how was your back from Danny lifting you in
Speaker 2: the Archer post.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna lie.
Speaker 4: I feel great.
Speaker 1: I think he, if anything, was really uh giving his all. Yes,
Speaker 1: And I'm no Whitney Carson, so I don't think it
Speaker 1: was just a quick little jaunt up for him.
Speaker 2: Whitney, I was rewatching the video of her laying down
Speaker 2: and she had her back arch so much that I
Speaker 2: was like, my body does not do that from the
Speaker 2: ground the strength, So Danny.
Speaker 1: Told me to stay stiff as a board. I think,
Speaker 1: or maybe it was just my leg.
Speaker 4: I think it was your life.
Speaker 2: But you committed because your back looked like it was
Speaker 2: had a rod in it.
Speaker 1: It must have been really hard for him. Huh.
Speaker 4: He was like me nothing, because you're like thrust with
Speaker 4: your hips. First.
Speaker 2: I watched this whole tutorial on it.
Speaker 4: You just like literally use everything he had to like pull.
Speaker 1: You straight up, and I'm like, you can do Yeah.
Speaker 4: You were just like you got it. Come on anyway. Anyways,
Speaker 4: it's a Dear Bonny episode. We just wanted to give
Speaker 4: a life update.
Speaker 2: But we're gonna take a break and then we'll we'll
Speaker 2: be back with the Dear Bonya. Wow, all right, we
Speaker 2: are back. So it's just it's Tanya, me Emily, and
Speaker 2: we're all just it's a girl's girl's world.
Speaker 1: Here, girl's world. It's a girl's world, and you're lucky
Speaker 1: to be living in it.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, yeah, Oh.
Speaker 5: I never I didn't sing you your song. Another year
Speaker 5: has gone back and I'm still right by your side.
Speaker 4: That was so funny.
Speaker 2: I'll never forget that, Tanya saying it till Laura on
Speaker 2: the couch when she is visiting, and Laura goes.
Speaker 1: Oh, so.
Speaker 4: Okay.
Speaker 2: This Dear Bonya is anonymous and the title.
Speaker 4: Is Feelings for a best Friend.
Speaker 2: Hi, Bonya and Neaston, Mark and Easton need a ship
Speaker 2: named too, but.
Speaker 4: They're not here.
Speaker 2: Yeah, longtime listener. I love the podcast and all of you.
Speaker 2: I have recently caught feelings for one of my best friends.
Speaker 2: It's a female friend and we are both queer. I
Speaker 2: do not know whether these feelings are reciprocated, and regardless,
Speaker 2: I have no intention to act on these feelings or
Speaker 2: tell her how I feel. This is for a myriad
Speaker 2: of reasons, primarily because I do not want to ruin
Speaker 2: the friendship. My question is, how do you get over
Speaker 2: someone you never even got to be with? Have any
Speaker 2: of you ever experienced this. I've been trying to go
Speaker 2: on dates with other people, and I hope that if
Speaker 2: I meet someone new, the feelings will fait. But I
Speaker 2: find myself comparing new people to her, and I get
Speaker 2: really caught up in the what ifs. We have such
Speaker 2: a deep understanding of each other, and every time we
Speaker 2: talk or catch up, these feelings resurface. I'm worried too,
Speaker 2: that if I get into a relationship that it would
Speaker 2: be unfair to this new person if I'm not over
Speaker 2: my friend. But I also feel like that may be
Speaker 2: the only way to move on.
Speaker 1: My advice might be not what she wants, but I
Speaker 1: think go for it.
Speaker 4: I think so too, because guess what, spoiler alert.
Speaker 1: The minute she or you get into a relationship you relate,
Speaker 1: your friendship is going to change no matter what, right Like,
Speaker 1: That's just how it is, even in not not a
Speaker 1: queer relationship, you know.
Speaker 2: I do think it complicates things a little bit when
Speaker 2: it is women like it is women being friends like,
Speaker 2: because there's no excuse unless her new relationship, the person
Speaker 2: she's in a relationship with, knows that she had feelings
Speaker 2: for this friend. Then it becomes a problem because a
Speaker 2: person's like you can't go and like have slumber parties
Speaker 2: someone that you had strong feelings for, but if they
Speaker 2: don't know, like if she just keeps it buried down,
Speaker 2: It's like that fine line.
Speaker 1: It does have an interesting element. It does because I
Speaker 1: feel like with male and female friendships, if you have
Speaker 1: a great if you are into men and you have
Speaker 1: a male best friend, the minute you get into a
Speaker 1: relationship that a male friendship is yeah, totally changes.
Speaker 4: I mean, I mean, I'm not saying everybody.
Speaker 2: Some people might be able to make that work, but
Speaker 2: typically it's like there's just a shift.
Speaker 4: In the friendship.
Speaker 1: Yeah, like if you guys are tight hanging out every day,
Speaker 1: like spoiler alert, you're not gonna hang out every day.
Speaker 2: But I agree, I think even if like take the
Speaker 2: queerness out of it, if you were hanging out, like
Speaker 2: I had a friend who was a.
Speaker 4: Guy friend.
Speaker 2: He was one of my best friends, and he ended
Speaker 2: up telling me he had feelings for me, and it
Speaker 2: was just kind of like there was some space needed
Speaker 2: to you know, move on from that and figure out
Speaker 2: how to be friends after that information was shared. But
Speaker 2: I think the ultimate thing was like I don't want
Speaker 2: to lose this friendship. But I think it was important
Speaker 2: that he told me how he felt, because if you
Speaker 2: don't say anything, how will you ever know?
Speaker 4: And you like the what is?
Speaker 1: Could you imagine living with that?
Speaker 4: What if that's what I'm saying? I mean?
Speaker 2: And you might tell her and she she might be like, oh,
Speaker 2: I feel the same way.
Speaker 4: I was so scared. I didn't want to ruin the friendship.
Speaker 2: Or she might be like, you know what, I love
Speaker 2: you so much, but I don't see you in a
Speaker 2: romantic way, but take the space you need. And I'm
Speaker 2: always like, we're always gonna be friends, you know. I
Speaker 2: think it's just it's going to weigh on you and
Speaker 2: eat at you if you don't say something.
Speaker 4: So I say go for it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, because like, play out both sides the worst that
Speaker 1: can happen, and she doesn't have feelings for you, and
Speaker 1: then you never have to live in that what is?
Speaker 2: Yeah, then you can really move on because then you
Speaker 2: don't feel guilty about thinking about what could have happened.
Speaker 1: And then the best case scenario, she feels the same way,
Speaker 1: and then you could have the greatest love story of
Speaker 1: all time.
Speaker 4: Or she might be like, oh my gosh, I've never
Speaker 4: I need some time. I've never thought of about it. Yeah,
Speaker 4: and she thinks say that I do have feelings for you,
Speaker 4: so I think you say something.
Speaker 1: I think you say something, and good luck.
Speaker 4: Please report back.
Speaker 2: Yeah, do you want to do the next?
Speaker 1: Next one feels girthy.
Speaker 4: It's a sister in law wedding drama.
Speaker 1: Which, oh, okay, let's see. My name is Patrick and
Speaker 1: my wife, Jessica, is a longtime listener, and now I'll
Speaker 1: also listen when we're traveling or just hanging out on
Speaker 1: the weekend.
Speaker 3: Thank you.
Speaker 1: I am thirty three years old and my wife is
Speaker 1: thirty one. My wife's sister is my age and is
Speaker 1: getting married in September. My wife's sister, so his sister's drama. Oh, right,
Speaker 1: before I start. My wife's sister, who is getting married,
Speaker 1: can be a lot. She has an old time friend
Speaker 1: that she has made her man of honor. I'm pretty
Speaker 1: sure they had a fling before she met her now fiance.
Speaker 1: She's including him and all of the things. My wife's
Speaker 1: other sister is the actual maid of honor, so no
Speaker 1: one knows what this man's rule actually is. He's in
Speaker 1: group text and making things uncomfy. By the sounds of it.
Speaker 1: By talking about getting drunk, et cetera. The bride invited
Speaker 1: this guy to the bachelorette party that is taking place
Speaker 1: over a weekend in Michigan. My wife is uncomfortable with
Speaker 1: a straight male whom neither of us has met, going
Speaker 1: to this bachelorette party where it was thought to be her,
Speaker 1: her other sisters, and a couple of the bride's friends.
Speaker 1: It is understandable why everyone is uncomfortable with this situation.
Speaker 1: I am uncomfortable with this random guy trying to get
Speaker 1: super drunk around my wife and my sisters. Am I
Speaker 1: being overprotective over my wife? Or should I tell the
Speaker 1: bride he's got to go? Because this is very weird
Speaker 1: behavior to have a guy that you might have had
Speaker 1: a fling with be your man of honor. I also
Speaker 1: think it's disrespectful to the bride soon to be husband.
Speaker 4: Ooh, this is interesting.
Speaker 1: Patrick. I love you because you're a scrubber. This is
Speaker 1: so not your place. What do you mean it's not
Speaker 1: his place. It's his sister in law's wedding. If she
Speaker 1: wants this man of honor, that's her call. It's not
Speaker 1: his call. If his wife doesn't want to go to
Speaker 1: the bachelorette because's uncomfortable. That's her call, that's her decision.
Speaker 1: He can't step in here. He's gonna be I think,
Speaker 1: not gonna be good.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I agree.
Speaker 2: I think if your wife is having an issue with
Speaker 2: it and she doesn't feel comfortable going, I think that's
Speaker 2: a conversation that she needs to have with her sister
Speaker 2: so that there's just.
Speaker 4: Boundaries set and there.
Speaker 2: It's like it's not coming from like the chain the
Speaker 2: telephone game of like I feel uncomfortable, my husband feels uncomfortable,
Speaker 2: so I'm gonna say this.
Speaker 4: You know, it's more like I feel uncomfortable. I know
Speaker 4: this is your.
Speaker 2: Friend, but I don't really understand it's gonna be a
Speaker 2: bunch of women celebrating you and bringing in a straight
Speaker 2: man makes me feel a little bit like uncomfortable in
Speaker 2: this situation. So I might sit this one out and
Speaker 2: that will probably cause some tension and drama.
Speaker 1: It's also her prerogative, Yeah it is, but.
Speaker 2: I think it's both of their I think it's the
Speaker 2: sister's prerogative. But I think if they're all sharing, like
Speaker 2: are they getting are they getting a house?
Speaker 4: Is it like that is taking place over a weekend?
Speaker 4: It's a whole weekend, right, it's a bacherette weekend.
Speaker 1: They're going away and.
Speaker 4: The house. Yeah, I don't know. How do you feel
Speaker 4: like Robbie would think if you were?
Speaker 1: If you if I'm I'm gonna invite Brad.
Speaker 4: He's on straight though.
Speaker 1: True, that is true.
Speaker 2: Like, let's say you invited someone that you went on
Speaker 2: a date a few dates with.
Speaker 4: Or had feelings for.
Speaker 1: Who would that be?
Speaker 2: I don't know one of your doctor screen time, doctor W,
Speaker 2: doctor W. What would he do if you were like
Speaker 2: I really want doctor W to be at my bachelorette party,
Speaker 2: and I.
Speaker 1: Just would never do that.
Speaker 4: I would never do that.
Speaker 1: But what I'm saying is again it's the husband should
Speaker 1: step in and say, hey, I don't want this bro
Speaker 1: coming to your going to your bacherette. Like it's on
Speaker 1: the husband, it's not on the brother in law.
Speaker 2: I actually guess, yeah, if the husband or current fiance
Speaker 2: is okay with it, Yeah, I guess to each his
Speaker 2: own CORECT maybe.
Speaker 4: The open relationship.
Speaker 1: Like you don't know the inner workings of that. So
Speaker 1: I say, Patrick, we love you, and we love you
Speaker 1: so much.
Speaker 2: We love you so much, and we love your respect,
Speaker 2: we love your concern.
Speaker 1: For the situation, concern, and we love you, but.
Speaker 2: I think this is for your sister and her sister. Yeah,
Speaker 2: and that is for the groom and the bride.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you gotta tap out, you gotta say.
Speaker 4: I also agree that it's weird, right, it is very weird.
Speaker 1: I just couldn't even picture. I could not picture. I
Speaker 1: couldn't picture it.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 1: No, not even a guy that I went on dates with,
Speaker 1: just like even a guy friend. I don't even have
Speaker 1: any guys like Robert Graham. We always always go back
Speaker 1: to Robert Graham. Imagine I invited Robert Graham to my
Speaker 1: bachelor atte party.
Speaker 4: That'd be uncle rule for.
Speaker 1: Many, right, right, But anyway, love you, Patrick.
Speaker 4: Love you, Patrick. Good luck.
Speaker 2: Okay, we're gonna take a break and we have another
Speaker 2: one coming and it's the title is seven year Relationship Ending.
Speaker 3: Oh man, all right, we are back.
Speaker 2: So this one is from anonymous and it says, last week,
Speaker 2: very unexpectedly, my girlfriend of over seven years told me
Speaker 2: she wanted a break from our relationship. We've both been
Speaker 2: going through a lot lately. We recently moved across the
Speaker 2: country to a new city, and she's been struggling to
Speaker 2: make new friends, on top of having to cut off
Speaker 2: communication with her parents for their toxic behavior. For me,
Speaker 2: work has been very stressful and has taken up a
Speaker 2: lot of energy, and I feel completely out of my
Speaker 2: comfort zone since moving.
Speaker 4: Despite this, I thought we were solid.
Speaker 2: We've been through a lot together and we've always come
Speaker 2: out of the other side closer and stronger. But last
Speaker 2: week she told me she felt like something in our
Speaker 2: relationship is missing and that we can't give each other
Speaker 2: what we need. She feels like I don't fully understand
Speaker 2: how difficult things have been for her and that she.
Speaker 4: Can't lean on me.
Speaker 2: She asked for a three month break, but to me,
Speaker 2: it just sounds like she wants to end things.
Speaker 4: I am utterly devastated.
Speaker 2: I know I've struggled to be the best version of
Speaker 2: myself lately, juggling work and adjusting to the move.
Speaker 4: But I love her so much and there's nothing I
Speaker 4: wouldn't do for her.
Speaker 2: We've built a beautiful life together that is so intertwined.
Speaker 2: I'm terrified of what the future looks like without her
Speaker 2: in it. She's the first woman I've ever been with
Speaker 2: and the only person I've ever loved. I can't imagine
Speaker 2: ever having a love like this again. I feel like
Speaker 2: my life is over. I don't know what to do.
Speaker 2: I booked a flight home to my parents the day
Speaker 2: after she broke up with me, and the only thing
Speaker 2: that kept me from being a complete and total mess
Speaker 2: on the plane was your podcast. Oh thank you back
Speaker 2: to Tanya, Mark and Easton for the comfort and.
Speaker 4: Laughter you all provide. First of all, I'm so sorry
Speaker 4: this is ok here.
Speaker 1: Is this a guy or a girl? We don't know.
Speaker 4: I'm guessing a woman, but.
Speaker 1: We don't know.
Speaker 4: We don't know.
Speaker 1: I was gonna say.
Speaker 4: She's the first woman I've ever been with, so I'm assuming.
Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, yeah, context clear, there you go. Yeah yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2: I think seven years to invest in a relationship is
Speaker 2: going to be devastating, no matter what the ending is
Speaker 2: or who you are or why it ended. I think
Speaker 2: it's just it's devastating. I think when you put that
Speaker 2: much knowing what it takes to have a good relationship
Speaker 2: and the effort and like the energy that you put
Speaker 2: into a relationship to know that it can be over
Speaker 2: and it's not your choice is a really.
Speaker 1: Devastating. Yeah, it's really traumatized.
Speaker 4: And yeah, I just think.
Speaker 2: It's it's part of life because you see how resilient
Speaker 2: you are. And I think in your mind right now,
Speaker 2: like you said, do you feel like your life is over?
Speaker 2: But this might be the beginning of something amazing for you.
Speaker 1: Let me tell you something, Anonymous, you deserve so much
Speaker 1: better than someone that's gonna be with you for seven
Speaker 1: years and then ask for a three month break. I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: you deserve better than that. It's been seven years, but
Speaker 1: you're looking for seventy years. You're looking for the person
Speaker 1: that can take you the full lifetime. And this is
Speaker 1: not her. She is not worth your time, she is
Speaker 1: not worth your energy wanting a break. I'm sorry. That's
Speaker 1: not what a relationship is. Yeah, I can't just say
Speaker 1: I sorry, I ney a three month break and then
Speaker 1: I'll get back to you.
Speaker 6: Like.
Speaker 1: No, I'm not like a I'm not a pink carton
Speaker 1: of milk in the refrigerator you can just put aside
Speaker 1: and then come back to me when I spoiled. Spoiled, Yeah,
Speaker 1: milk wasn't the right Uh.
Speaker 4: I'm not a bottle of wine.
Speaker 1: I'm not a pair of winter boots that you can
Speaker 1: just put in the back of the closet. During summer
Speaker 1: and then just after three months bring them back out
Speaker 1: and wear them again.
Speaker 4: Right, Yeah, you can't do that. You're not that.
Speaker 1: You're so much better than that, And that is a
Speaker 1: that that partner is somebody that is weak, and you
Speaker 1: deserve somebody that is strong.
Speaker 4: I think that.
Speaker 2: I also think that it sounds like y'all have recently
Speaker 2: gone through a lot, and I don't know if.
Speaker 4: Y'all have tried couples therapy, but I also think if
Speaker 4: she didn't.
Speaker 2: First of all, I think asking for a three month
Speaker 2: break is strange because why three months?
Speaker 1: There's something there, Like there's something there that we don't know.
Speaker 1: The three month break makes me feel like she wants
Speaker 1: to have her cake and.
Speaker 4: Eat Yeah, Like, what are the boundaries of a break.
Speaker 1: Dance?
Speaker 2: What does a break look like? Because it sounds like
Speaker 2: if she wants to be broken up, she needs to
Speaker 2: be very clear with you because you shouldn't even hold
Speaker 2: on to hope that there's going to be a rekindling
Speaker 2: if that's not her intention. And I also think that
Speaker 2: I had a friend who was with her girlfriend for
Speaker 2: I think like five years and they broke up and
Speaker 2: within a year she met the love of her life
Speaker 2: and literally just got married yesterday, my friend Sierra, and
Speaker 2: it was like there was a sense of, oh my gosh,
Speaker 2: I'm devastated. This is you know, ended, and but then
Speaker 2: something beautiful came of it and they're both happy. You know,
Speaker 2: they're both split up, but they're both happy.
Speaker 1: And sometimes look at people who get people get divorced,
Speaker 1: they're married, they go through a really bad breakup, they
Speaker 1: go through divorce, and then their lives are even better
Speaker 1: post divorced. They didn't even think that it could be
Speaker 1: loved like that. Yeah, So I think that this is.
Speaker 2: I think let yourself grieve your relationship and let the people,
Speaker 2: let your parents, the people who support you and love
Speaker 2: you like really surround you right now, and really learn
Speaker 2: how to be by yourself during this time, because this
Speaker 2: is a chance to learn who you are and what
Speaker 2: you're looking like, because all you've known for seven years
Speaker 2: is the person you were with this person. And I
Speaker 2: think that it's okay to be sad right now, and
Speaker 2: it's also okay to be hopeful that something better is coming.
Speaker 1: I agree, And we love you. We love you so much, Anonymous,
Speaker 1: so much, all right, Tanya from Ashlynn, Hello Tanya Beckham
Speaker 1: Mark and Easton. First, I wanted to say thank you
Speaker 1: for this podcast. I listen in weekly and it always
Speaker 1: brightens my day. Also, I would like to say I'm
Speaker 1: a Tanya todt Hey. I feel like I'm a Tanya
Speaker 1: when she was single before Robbie, and we seem to
Speaker 1: have a lot of similarities. I'm thirty one and living
Speaker 1: on my own and I have been through a dating
Speaker 1: role coaster that I can't seem to get off of,
Speaker 1: though I have done all dating apps, been to speed dating, singles,
Speaker 1: night events at bars and restaurants, a dinner event with
Speaker 1: seven strangers. Sadly, four out of the seven strangers were married,
Speaker 1: and this totally sounds like me. And I've even hired
Speaker 1: a matchmaker, which hasn't been going well. Wow. I'm looking
Speaker 1: for a man in the same stage of life as me. Single,
Speaker 1: career driven, ambitious, no kids, but wants kids and marriage
Speaker 1: and good personality and family oriented. My question is for Tanya,
Speaker 1: when you were dating, did you have a set criteria
Speaker 1: that you were looking for in a partner, i e.
Speaker 1: No kids or some religion upbringing. And if you did
Speaker 1: have a set criteria, when did you start opening up
Speaker 1: the criteria to meet more men that you weren't necessarily dating,
Speaker 1: but then ultimately led you to finally find Robbie. Please help.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much.
Speaker 2: I feel like there is a podcast episode that someone
Speaker 2: sent us where you were like, divorced with kids is
Speaker 2: total like you were not that was totally fine for you.
Speaker 2: That was never like a criteria.
Speaker 6: Breathing alive, single single, single, breathing alive, wears clothes in public,
Speaker 6: has a job.
Speaker 5: You know.
Speaker 1: My criteria was basic. Could not have been more basic.
Speaker 1: So really, my advice to you is, let's not have criteria.
Speaker 1: Let's throw caution to the wind and not set up
Speaker 1: those boundaries because guess what you're gonna I do feel
Speaker 1: like at one point I did have a list. Remember
Speaker 1: my list was like what.
Speaker 4: I of all my dream man?
Speaker 1: Right, your dream man? Right, You're it comes at too fast.
Speaker 1: My list was at the top of my list was
Speaker 1: Christian man. And I end up not marrying a Jewish man.
Speaker 1: So let's just put the lists away, I know. And
Speaker 1: it's so funny because it's like that's what the I
Speaker 1: feel like. That's the guest piece of advice people give
Speaker 1: you is like, how are you gonna find someone? If
Speaker 1: you don't know what you're looking for, you know, like
Speaker 1: you would never go for a job without a job listing.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, okay, so everybody makes you make this
Speaker 1: list and you're setting yourself up for failure because it's
Speaker 1: not about the list. It's not about that stuff, like
Speaker 1: it really isn't. It's about the person and the human
Speaker 1: being that they are, Like that is your soulmate, that
Speaker 1: is the person that you're connected to on a such
Speaker 1: a deeper level. All that other stuff fits in into play,
Speaker 1: and you learn how to navigate if there are certain
Speaker 1: things that maybe don't gel or fit the way that
Speaker 1: you want them to. But I feel like that's like
Speaker 1: the biggest thing is you know what was her criteria?
Speaker 1: And her criteria was no kids, but wants kids in marriage,
Speaker 1: a good personality and family. It's a lot, you know, yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean career driven, ambitious, Like you maybe might find
Speaker 1: someone that is not all of these things. You might
Speaker 1: find someone that already has kids and wants more.
Speaker 2: I also think though, that like a lot of people,
Speaker 2: once they meet someone that they just connect with, like
Speaker 2: you said, the list goes out the window and they're
Speaker 2: still like the mentality is like, oh my gosh, this
Speaker 2: person is everything I was looking for, but not according
Speaker 2: to their list. They're just it's everything they were looking
Speaker 2: for in terms of what they envisioned themselves being like
Speaker 2: in a relationship.
Speaker 1: Correct.
Speaker 2: And I think that the list hold us back because
Speaker 2: we have this unrealistic thing of.
Speaker 1: I wish you still had your list.
Speaker 2: I'm sure I could find one somewhere like plays football,
Speaker 2: No watches football.
Speaker 4: I don't think that was ever was never on your list.
Speaker 1: I'm shook by that.
Speaker 2: No, oh wow, No, football wasn't on there. But like religion,
Speaker 2: you know, someone Christian wanted kids, Like all the things
Speaker 2: that I just think that I was supposed to want
Speaker 2: were on there, right, And like, like I said, life
Speaker 2: came quickly, like came in like a wrecking ball on
Speaker 2: that list, and I I just think that, like now
Speaker 2: I look at the what you feel like you want,
Speaker 2: and I look at my relationship with Halene, and I'm like,
Speaker 2: oh my gosh, this is even better than I ever
Speaker 2: imagined a relationship being like I always thought i'd be
Speaker 2: someone who really needed my space and yeah, felt claustrophobic
Speaker 2: in a relationship.
Speaker 1: Really probably had on your list, like lives in City
Speaker 1: lives in New York City, myos coastal.
Speaker 2: And I just think that what happens is you find
Speaker 2: someone like you found Robbie, and it's like he's everything
Speaker 2: that you wanted. But if you had listed out who
Speaker 2: he was, maybe on paper he wanted him.
Speaker 1: And you know what's crazy. I think about this all
Speaker 1: the time because he necessarily wasn't what I wanted on paper?
Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean? Like on my list?
Speaker 1: What if I'd never gone on that first date with Robbie.
Speaker 1: I knew on my first date with Robbie that I
Speaker 1: didn't know for sure I was going to marry the guy,
Speaker 1: but I knew on our first date that it was
Speaker 1: like so different, Like I knew, like literally I had
Speaker 1: like visceral reactions in my body. And had I knock
Speaker 1: gone on that date because he didn't fit my criteria
Speaker 1: my lists, who knows what I'd be doing right now?
Speaker 4: I know it's so true. So I say to anonymous, like, no,
Speaker 4: it's Ashlan.
Speaker 1: Actually, oh, I.
Speaker 2: Say to Ashlin, let yourself like be free from the list.
Speaker 4: Free from the list. If not now, when? If not you? Who?
Speaker 4: If not here? Where?
Speaker 1: If not now? Never?
Speaker 4: Well nod? If not now when?
Speaker 1: Shoot?
Speaker 4: So we don't know.
Speaker 1: Not today, not tomorrow.
Speaker 4: No, no, that's not out.
Speaker 1: Not tomorrow today, not tomorrow today. Sure, yeah, it's time, Ashlin, Yes,
Speaker 1: it's time that you are thirty one. You are stepping
Speaker 1: out of your criteria and list and who knows what
Speaker 1: if you have a man that's your list and you
Speaker 1: end up with a woman.
Speaker 4: Yeah, Ashlynn, you don't know, Ashlin.
Speaker 2: I want you to physically throw the list out the window,
Speaker 2: whip it out, and then go pick it up and
Speaker 2: throw it in the trash.
Speaker 1: But get rid of it, get rid of the the list.
Speaker 1: It's about the being. It's about the being and the connection.
Speaker 1: You can't you can't write that stuff down on paper.
Speaker 4: You can't write it down.
Speaker 1: You really can't. Once you feel it in the vagina, yeah,
Speaker 1: it takes over.
Speaker 4: The list is out the door once it's in the vagina.
Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 5: All right.
Speaker 2: Well, in that note, we are done with today's episode
Speaker 2: of Dear Bonio, but we will be back next week
Speaker 2: and you can dm us on Instagram at scrubbing in
Speaker 2: pot or email us at scrubbing in iHeartMedia dot com.
Speaker 4: Tanya, it was a pleasure, pleasure was almos No no, no, no,
Speaker 4: no no no no.
Speaker 1: I can eat the cake.
Speaker 4: Well, I'm gonna take it home. Yeah, I have to
Speaker 4: eat lunch.
Speaker 1: Yeah all right. Love you by