WEBVTT - Tori Enters Her No Era with Deepali Vyas 0:00:08.640 --> 0:00:12.719 Misspelling with Tori Spelling and iHeartRadio Podcast. 0:00:15.240 --> 0:00:16.400 Hi? Hi? 0:00:16.480 --> 0:00:17.000 How are you? 0:00:18.120 --> 0:00:20.479 I'm doing well? I got the memo. We both have 0:00:20.520 --> 0:00:21.159 our glasses on. 0:00:21.400 --> 0:00:24.200 I know. I actually was trying to choose from so 0:00:24.360 --> 0:00:27.880 many that I got here, so I have to tell you, honestly, 0:00:29.560 --> 0:00:33.800 fangirl moment and the Donna Martin it's just I was 0:00:33.880 --> 0:00:38.360 sitting in my in my you know, room in Denver, Colorado, 0:00:38.440 --> 0:00:42.400 growing up, watching you, which is just it's just insane. 0:00:42.760 --> 0:00:45.080 Oh my gosh. Well, after this whole thing with you, 0:00:45.200 --> 0:00:48.520 I'm going to be able to chant Donna Martin five 0:00:48.600 --> 0:00:50.720 hundred fortune eates? Is that right? 0:00:51.000 --> 0:00:51.240 There? 0:00:51.240 --> 0:00:51.560 You go? 0:00:52.120 --> 0:00:56.720 You're gonna get me there, gonna get me up. Well, 0:00:56.840 --> 0:00:59.440 thank you for taking this time with me today. My 0:00:59.520 --> 0:01:03.200 name is and I'm a people pleaser, but I'm also 0:01:03.280 --> 0:01:06.080 a bomb ass business bitch. So can you help me 0:01:06.120 --> 0:01:07.400 get to where I need to be? 0:01:07.640 --> 0:01:11.160 Yes? Of course we're gonna We're going to get you 0:01:11.200 --> 0:01:11.960 there for sure. 0:01:12.760 --> 0:01:18.240 Oh boy, where do where do we even start? How 0:01:18.280 --> 0:01:21.000 did you start? Let's go with let's talk about you first? 0:01:21.360 --> 0:01:27.600 Wow? Thank you. Honestly, I got my start in executive 0:01:27.640 --> 0:01:32.840 search by accident. I knew that when I graduated college. 0:01:33.120 --> 0:01:36.320 I grew up in Denver, and I said, I think 0:01:36.360 --> 0:01:39.840 I'm bigger than Denver and I need to move to 0:01:39.880 --> 0:01:41.840 a big city. And I was a finance major and 0:01:41.880 --> 0:01:44.039 all of that, and I came to New York City 0:01:44.080 --> 0:01:46.880 and I had, you know, a bit of gall on 0:01:47.000 --> 0:01:49.960 me to ask, you know, when I was interviewing, Hey, 0:01:50.120 --> 0:01:52.600 I want to be on Wall Street, Like I want 0:01:52.600 --> 0:01:55.200 to be close to the action, like get me, put 0:01:55.240 --> 0:01:58.280 me in there. But I fell into recruiting by accident, 0:01:58.640 --> 0:02:01.880 and you know, it was just the luck of the draw. 0:02:01.920 --> 0:02:03.560 I was sitting across from a recruiter and they were 0:02:03.600 --> 0:02:05.000 pitching me all of these jobs and I'm like, I 0:02:05.000 --> 0:02:08.880 don't want to do any of those. And then they said, well, 0:02:09.200 --> 0:02:11.359 if you want to be a people person, right, you 0:02:11.880 --> 0:02:15.680 were in the people business as well, why don't you 0:02:15.680 --> 0:02:17.320 try recruiting. I'm like, I don't know what that is, 0:02:17.560 --> 0:02:19.560 and so I kind of just dismissed it. And then 0:02:19.560 --> 0:02:21.640 they kept coming back to me and saying, I think 0:02:21.680 --> 0:02:24.520 you want to try this, and so I kind of 0:02:24.560 --> 0:02:26.200 just threw out my hands and said, fine, what do 0:02:26.240 --> 0:02:28.760 I have to lose. I was so young, and I 0:02:28.800 --> 0:02:30.399 knew I was smart, and I was like, okay, I'll 0:02:30.440 --> 0:02:33.200 figure it out. And that's where I got started. And 0:02:33.240 --> 0:02:35.760 I was recruiting quants on Wall Street, which is like 0:02:36.000 --> 0:02:38.720 the nerdiest thing you can ever do in your entire life. 0:02:39.200 --> 0:02:43.360 And then I ended up, you know, getting starting my 0:02:43.400 --> 0:02:46.000 own firm, and then I sold it to a larger 0:02:46.040 --> 0:02:48.480 like public executive search firm, which was like the holy 0:02:48.520 --> 0:02:52.160 Grail of executive search. Now you're in the boardroom, you 0:02:52.400 --> 0:02:56.840 are with CEOs and boards and doing all. 0:02:56.760 --> 0:03:00.919 Of your boardroom Sorry, I have to make a movie reference. Yeah, 0:03:01.040 --> 0:03:04.320 I digress for one second. Mommy dearest, did you see it? 0:03:04.680 --> 0:03:09.959 Of course in the boardroom, don't fuck with me, fellas, 0:03:10.360 --> 0:03:10.920 that's right. 0:03:11.400 --> 0:03:15.120 So, by the way, like as a woman in the boardroom, 0:03:15.480 --> 0:03:21.680 it's it is such a different experience, right because a 0:03:22.639 --> 0:03:26.679 there's not many of us in there, and not many 0:03:26.680 --> 0:03:29.520 people that look like me in there, so you're kind 0:03:29.520 --> 0:03:33.240 of dismissed in the beginning, even though, as you said, 0:03:33.280 --> 0:03:38.680 we're badass bitches, you know, running businesses, and you kind 0:03:38.680 --> 0:03:44.080 of get overlooked or sidelined and you're just doing things. 0:03:44.720 --> 0:03:47.960 I found myself early on doing a bit of that 0:03:48.120 --> 0:03:51.920 people pleasing or just you know, kind of nodding and 0:03:52.480 --> 0:03:55.120 going along with things as opposed to life voicing my opinion. 0:03:56.480 --> 0:03:58.880 And what is it like now in the boardroom? 0:03:59.280 --> 0:03:59.840 Now? 0:04:01.320 --> 0:04:03.760 I am all filled with women? Oh, I mean not you. 0:04:04.440 --> 0:04:06.360 I wish I was still not there. 0:04:06.440 --> 0:04:08.839 It's not like that. It's still not like that. It's 0:04:08.880 --> 0:04:12.920 not full parody yet. But I think it's getting a 0:04:12.920 --> 0:04:16.360 lot better. I think a lot of executive search. There's 0:04:16.440 --> 0:04:19.040 a lot of women in executive search, which is freaking awesome. 0:04:19.720 --> 0:04:23.120 But I would say boardroom wise, we're certainly not there. 0:04:23.680 --> 0:04:25.640 But I've come to a point in my career, like 0:04:25.720 --> 0:04:28.320 I'm forty seven years old. I've done a lot of 0:04:28.360 --> 0:04:30.160 things and I'm just like, you know what, I don't 0:04:30.160 --> 0:04:32.159 give a shit. I'm saying what I want to say. 0:04:34.240 --> 0:04:39.000 That's it. And see, the art toy is about how 0:04:39.040 --> 0:04:45.000 you communicate, right, the art of communicating with polish and 0:04:45.080 --> 0:04:51.400 with gravity and with gravitas, And that's what really puts 0:04:51.440 --> 0:04:54.359 you in a different league. Right then they know not 0:04:54.440 --> 0:04:57.000 to mess with you because you're coming with facts, you're 0:04:57.120 --> 0:05:01.040 articulating it well, you're super polished. They know that they 0:05:01.080 --> 0:05:03.520 can't pull the wool over your eyes. That's what I 0:05:03.560 --> 0:05:03.920 want for. 0:05:03.920 --> 0:05:06.680 You, That's what I want you to want from me 0:05:06.800 --> 0:05:12.440 that I want for me. And did you ever feel 0:05:12.560 --> 0:05:15.960 at a certain point in your career that, for lack 0:05:16.000 --> 0:05:19.159 of a better wording, you had to use your feminine 0:05:19.160 --> 0:05:23.679 wiles to kind of get noticed and heard. 0:05:24.480 --> 0:05:28.000 Yeah, I think, you know, the thing about women is 0:05:28.000 --> 0:05:34.039 that we have this female intuition that there's a little 0:05:34.040 --> 0:05:36.839 bit of that, and there's a little bit of just 0:05:37.520 --> 0:05:41.120 you know, kind of playing up the femininity of being 0:05:41.160 --> 0:05:45.200 in business that you know, men end up kind of 0:05:45.440 --> 0:05:48.440 succumbing to, so you can use it to your advantage, right, 0:05:48.520 --> 0:05:51.239 there's a little bit of the last thing they want 0:05:51.440 --> 0:05:54.960 is like the super aggressive type. And I would say 0:05:55.000 --> 0:05:57.520 that what's worked for me is a lot of humor, 0:05:58.000 --> 0:06:02.880 right Like, humor in the right spots makes you more 0:06:02.960 --> 0:06:06.359 human and it's a very neutralizing factor. It's not like 0:06:06.400 --> 0:06:08.560 you can be humorous as a female or a male, 0:06:08.800 --> 0:06:12.280 right and so like. But if women are funny and witty, 0:06:12.760 --> 0:06:17.320 it just there's a different dynamic because there's also this intuitiveness. 0:06:16.600 --> 0:06:19.840 About us because we're so powerful. 0:06:20.800 --> 0:06:23.080 That's true, That is so true. 0:06:23.400 --> 0:06:23.840 It is. 0:06:24.200 --> 0:06:27.000 I think we understall ourselves for sure, you know, in 0:06:27.040 --> 0:06:29.160 that respect, I. 0:06:29.080 --> 0:06:32.800 Know for myself that it was a lot about finding 0:06:32.839 --> 0:06:37.400 my worth and realizing it coming to groups. I'm fifty 0:06:37.440 --> 0:06:40.480 two years old this year. This year. I don't know 0:06:40.480 --> 0:06:42.640 why I said this year because not really, because I'll 0:06:42.640 --> 0:06:45.760 be fifty three this year, but fifty two sounds a 0:06:45.800 --> 0:06:46.600 lot better. 0:06:47.880 --> 0:06:48.159 For me. 0:06:48.279 --> 0:06:50.760 I know, when I was younger, I mean the way 0:06:50.880 --> 0:06:52.800 I grew up, I grew up on a set. I 0:06:52.839 --> 0:06:56.280 grew up on a TV show that not only I 0:06:56.320 --> 0:06:58.080 felt like I had to prove my worth because it 0:06:58.120 --> 0:07:01.040 was my father's show, but it was also the biggest 0:07:01.080 --> 0:07:04.680 show globally, you know, it was in everyone's house, and 0:07:04.760 --> 0:07:10.160 so it was a huge responsibility. And I was came 0:07:10.240 --> 0:07:15.160 into it the quietest, you know, the shyest, definitely the funniest. 0:07:16.000 --> 0:07:19.400 And that's the part that I started to use as 0:07:19.480 --> 0:07:21.720 my way in to fit in with the group and 0:07:21.800 --> 0:07:26.640 fit into my surroundings. Was I found. You know, I 0:07:26.720 --> 0:07:28.720 was the youngest of the group. Brian, Austin Green and 0:07:28.760 --> 0:07:31.120 I were the youngest. The others just a little bit older. 0:07:31.560 --> 0:07:34.960 Some I'm a lot older. But to get into conversations 0:07:34.960 --> 0:07:37.800 and stuff, you know, I would use a little funny 0:07:37.880 --> 0:07:40.440 joke or a little eye roll or a little physical 0:07:40.640 --> 0:07:44.160 you know, action and they would start laughing, and slowly 0:07:44.240 --> 0:07:46.880 they were like, oh, this girl's funny. So that was 0:07:46.920 --> 0:07:52.640 my in and then it became just so hard to 0:07:52.680 --> 0:07:58.560 figure out where my brain fit in, if that makes sense, Like, okay, 0:07:58.680 --> 0:08:01.240 so I can make them laugh, but can I communicate 0:08:01.280 --> 0:08:05.240 with them on their level? Am I smart enough? And 0:08:05.320 --> 0:08:09.400 I grew up not believing I was smart enough. I 0:08:09.400 --> 0:08:13.320 think sometimes our education system fails us in ways when 0:08:13.360 --> 0:08:18.240 they're so an archaic, waste, so boxed into putting everyone 0:08:18.280 --> 0:08:21.200 in the same room, on the same level, and it's 0:08:21.800 --> 0:08:26.200 just a way for everyone to just not succeed. So 0:08:27.040 --> 0:08:29.360 I thought, oh my gosh, I'm terrible at math, I'm 0:08:29.480 --> 0:08:32.200 terrible at history. Oh my gosh. So I can't talk numbers, 0:08:32.240 --> 0:08:34.680 I can't talk politics, I can't what can I talk about? 0:08:35.480 --> 0:08:38.319 I could talk about fashion, real good talking about fashion. 0:08:39.400 --> 0:08:41.880 But I did notice when I was young, I would 0:08:41.960 --> 0:08:47.760 use my humor and I would use my sexuality and not. 0:08:48.120 --> 0:08:50.880 I was never like that, like prowess on set, like 0:08:51.000 --> 0:08:55.200 overtly sexual. But I did notice, you know, if I 0:08:55.200 --> 0:08:58.200 wore the cute tops and the mid drifts and the 0:08:58.240 --> 0:09:00.880 boys would comment they'd want to talk to me more. 0:09:01.920 --> 0:09:06.640 So then all of a sudden, you know, you do 0:09:06.880 --> 0:09:08.760 a show like nine O two and oh, and you're 0:09:08.840 --> 0:09:10.920 kind of a baby bird pushed out of your nest 0:09:10.960 --> 0:09:14.040 at twenty six years old, go into the world. You 0:09:14.080 --> 0:09:18.040 suddenly realize very fast that not every product you put 0:09:18.040 --> 0:09:21.599 out there becomes a you know, sensation like nine O 0:09:21.679 --> 0:09:24.880 two and oh. And then you're out there, you know, 0:09:25.040 --> 0:09:28.079 auditioning every day, trying to get the next thing, trying 0:09:28.080 --> 0:09:31.400 to stay relevant, all while learning kind of how do 0:09:31.480 --> 0:09:34.160 I fend for myself in this world? At twenty six 0:09:35.240 --> 0:09:38.280 the humor didn't worry, they sexuality didn't work, and it's like, 0:09:38.520 --> 0:09:42.680 what is next? And that's when I started really sorry, 0:09:42.720 --> 0:09:43.640 am I talking too much? 0:09:43.960 --> 0:09:44.520 No? 0:09:44.520 --> 0:09:47.760 No, please, I feel really comfortable with you for some reason. 0:09:49.840 --> 0:09:53.240 And that's when I started to realize that I had 0:09:53.400 --> 0:09:58.800 a very creative brain and my dad was a big producer. 0:09:59.000 --> 0:10:01.280 I always say the apple don't fall far from the tree. 0:10:01.360 --> 0:10:03.679 I don't. I know it's a silly saying, but it's 0:10:03.800 --> 0:10:08.160 really really true. I grew up just watching him. I mean, 0:10:08.200 --> 0:10:10.200 on weekends when I was five years old, I didn't 0:10:10.200 --> 0:10:12.800 want to be outside playing. I was going through his scripts. 0:10:12.840 --> 0:10:16.600 My mom had his office in leather bound scripts of 0:10:16.760 --> 0:10:19.920 every script he had done. It was like covering Wallda 0:10:19.960 --> 0:10:22.840 wall and I would go and pull down ones and 0:10:22.880 --> 0:10:24.800 start to look at them, have someone read them to 0:10:24.840 --> 0:10:26.680 me until I could read myself, and then I would 0:10:26.679 --> 0:10:28.520 sit there for hours by myself and just read and 0:10:28.559 --> 0:10:31.200 read and read and be like, I like this, here's 0:10:31.240 --> 0:10:34.439 the characters I like. So I knew that I had 0:10:34.559 --> 0:10:39.480 a brain to create. And I found once I went 0:10:39.559 --> 0:10:42.680 out there and kind of proved myself to people, got 0:10:42.760 --> 0:10:47.000 myself into rooms and let them understand where I was 0:10:47.040 --> 0:10:52.880 coming from, it was a game changer. And I realize 0:10:52.960 --> 0:10:57.920 now at fifty two that I'm a total people pleaser, 0:10:58.840 --> 0:11:02.840 but a people pleaser in like life or if I 0:11:02.880 --> 0:11:08.160 am a hired hired gun so that sounds terrible an employee. 0:11:08.760 --> 0:11:10.839 When I am at the Helm, though, and I am 0:11:10.960 --> 0:11:13.319 running things and I am in a room, I can 0:11:13.360 --> 0:11:16.400 be in there and often you know, I'm in writer's rooms, 0:11:16.480 --> 0:11:20.360 I'm in network rooms, and there's some women, but sometimes 0:11:20.400 --> 0:11:24.720 it can be the same predominantly male. When my business 0:11:24.760 --> 0:11:27.760 brain is on in those rooms, I like, you can't 0:11:27.800 --> 0:11:30.640 stop me, and I like, I can hear myself and 0:11:30.679 --> 0:11:35.559 I'm like, you're really very intelligent. You're really you deserve 0:11:35.640 --> 0:11:38.360 to be here, You're really creative. But then I leave 0:11:38.440 --> 0:11:40.920 that room and I'm like walking down the street and 0:11:40.920 --> 0:11:42.880 I'm like, oh, I'm sorry I bump into you. Oh 0:11:42.920 --> 0:11:48.240 I'm sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, every other word. So my 0:11:48.360 --> 0:11:56.480 two sides find it hard to become one. So we're like, oh, no, 0:11:57.320 --> 0:12:00.000 it's it's it's in a nutshell you. 0:12:00.679 --> 0:12:07.000 I think your experience is, while it's unique, there's pattern recognition, right. 0:12:07.040 --> 0:12:12.160 My job is to recognize patterns. And as I was 0:12:12.200 --> 0:12:16.400 listening to your story, you just happened to get an 0:12:16.440 --> 0:12:20.320 earlier start than everybody else. The stuff that you experienced 0:12:20.360 --> 0:12:23.720 in terms of your auditioning and this and that. It's 0:12:23.720 --> 0:12:26.880 the same as people coming out of college and interviewing. 0:12:27.080 --> 0:12:30.720 We're auditioning, right, We're auditioning for that job, that first job, 0:12:30.760 --> 0:12:33.600 that second job, that third job. People are still auditioning 0:12:33.880 --> 0:12:37.679 right once your mid career, etc. And I think the 0:12:38.440 --> 0:12:41.800 brilliant part of what you said, which I think again, 0:12:43.160 --> 0:12:46.400 like every story is relatable. Right, I grew up in 0:12:46.400 --> 0:12:48.480 the motel business. I was running a motel since I 0:12:48.559 --> 0:12:51.040 was thirteen years old, and toory, can I tell you 0:12:51.120 --> 0:12:57.920 I was embarrassed of that experience. Embarrassed. And when I 0:12:58.080 --> 0:13:02.520 fast forward twenty years later, I was in the boardroom 0:13:02.800 --> 0:13:07.840 with the CEO of SMP Global talking about his succession plan, 0:13:08.800 --> 0:13:11.560 and I brought up the fact that I was, you know, 0:13:12.520 --> 0:13:17.160 running my parents' motel at thirteen years old, watching nine 0:13:17.200 --> 0:13:21.079 O two to zero in the background. Right, that's serious. 0:13:21.120 --> 0:13:23.480 That is that God's honest truth. My sister would die 0:13:23.559 --> 0:13:25.680 if I if I told her that I was talking 0:13:25.760 --> 0:13:30.559 to But that's when I said that in the boardroom, 0:13:30.920 --> 0:13:34.400 their jaws dropped because they were like, wait what. And 0:13:34.520 --> 0:13:39.360 so the admiration of grit and that experience in that 0:13:39.440 --> 0:13:42.400 boardroom is something that they valued that I didn't think 0:13:42.440 --> 0:13:46.000 they valued. Now, relating back to your story, you being 0:13:46.040 --> 0:13:50.120 in your dad's office seeing all of this, you have 0:13:50.280 --> 0:13:53.240 had this gift of experience. So when you are in 0:13:53.320 --> 0:13:56.640 that boardroom, you feel very confident because you have all 0:13:56.679 --> 0:14:00.000 of this skills that have been stacked as your gift 0:14:00.280 --> 0:14:03.480 of experience, and that's why you feel so good. The 0:14:03.520 --> 0:14:06.360 reframe that I would say is that you know, it's 0:14:06.400 --> 0:14:10.320 not about you not being good at math or history 0:14:10.400 --> 0:14:14.320 or whatever. You have a different edge, right, And what 0:14:14.400 --> 0:14:18.400 you did was you outgrew your strategy right when you 0:14:18.480 --> 0:14:21.160 left nine OZHO two and zero. The game changed, but 0:14:21.280 --> 0:14:25.400 your early strategies weren't translating, so now you're translating them 0:14:25.440 --> 0:14:28.600 in the boardroom. Right. But in terms of like the 0:14:29.080 --> 0:14:33.440 people pleasing part, I think where you have to really 0:14:33.480 --> 0:14:38.200 think about is just anchoring in that experience and saying 0:14:38.480 --> 0:14:41.400 I'm a strong person. I know where my boundaries are. 0:14:41.600 --> 0:14:43.720 I don't need to say sorry to everybody, and I 0:14:43.720 --> 0:14:45.440 don't need to be sorry about, you know, the things 0:14:45.440 --> 0:14:47.520 that I bring to the table, even if it is 0:14:47.600 --> 0:14:50.160 kind of bumping into somebody on the street or whatever. 0:14:50.280 --> 0:14:52.920 That's not your fault, right, maybe they were walking crooked, 0:14:53.320 --> 0:14:56.240 they bumped into you. And I think just going to. 0:14:56.200 --> 0:14:58.480 That how I apologize for taking a breath of air. 0:14:59.080 --> 0:15:00.720 It's it's really bad. 0:15:01.480 --> 0:15:06.400 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think like redefining sort of 0:15:06.440 --> 0:15:09.680 your identity internally. Tori is right. You're not trying to 0:15:09.760 --> 0:15:13.120 prove you belong. You already know you do. You've just 0:15:13.160 --> 0:15:15.480 been treating it like it's been a temporary state. 0:15:18.120 --> 0:15:22.280 I tend to keep myself really small because I don't 0:15:22.480 --> 0:15:29.680 want to bother I don't know, I don't if I 0:15:29.760 --> 0:15:33.960 keep myself small, then everyone will like me because they 0:15:33.960 --> 0:15:35.240 won't feel left behind. 0:15:36.240 --> 0:15:40.480 No, that is your moment to not do that. Listen, 0:15:40.760 --> 0:15:44.560 you have had this sort of very public history, right 0:15:44.720 --> 0:15:49.200 in the sense of having that acclaimed fame and going 0:15:49.280 --> 0:15:55.040 through your life very publicly, and that is your opportunity 0:15:55.080 --> 0:15:58.120 to double down and say I am owning this. 0:15:58.200 --> 0:16:02.320 I'm really good at Blackjack thinks so different numbers like 0:16:02.840 --> 0:16:03.560 you know, like. 0:16:03.840 --> 0:16:07.040 It's your time to again. Like I said the word anchor, 0:16:08.160 --> 0:16:12.200 you have so much experience, like you, you should be 0:16:12.320 --> 0:16:14.720 leading the charge in that. You should not. You should 0:16:14.800 --> 0:16:19.080 be unapologetic in that right. No one has the experience 0:16:19.120 --> 0:16:22.200 that you do. Why are you apologizing for it? 0:16:23.120 --> 0:16:26.000 I don't know. That's why I'm here with you. I 0:16:26.040 --> 0:16:35.480 don't know. No I do, I must know. 0:16:35.680 --> 0:16:37.840 I must let me ask you this. When that happens 0:16:37.960 --> 0:16:41.160 right in the room, when you're in power, you're not 0:16:41.240 --> 0:16:44.280 thinking about anybody else, are you? Or you just you're 0:16:44.320 --> 0:16:46.400 just thinking about the work. The idea is the outcome? 0:16:46.520 --> 0:16:47.000 Is that right? 0:16:47.400 --> 0:16:49.600 Yeah? It's all about the process, yeah right. 0:16:49.920 --> 0:16:54.720 So why is it that afterwards you feel like you 0:16:54.920 --> 0:16:57.880 need to regulate other people's You know. 0:16:59.880 --> 0:17:06.160 I think I feel a lot I feel others feelings, 0:17:06.160 --> 0:17:09.240 Like as soon as someone can walks in a room, 0:17:09.560 --> 0:17:13.840 I can feel how they're feeling, and I adapt to that, 0:17:14.000 --> 0:17:17.119 and I think sometimes not in a good way, or 0:17:17.160 --> 0:17:22.080 I overcompensate to make them okay for whatever is going on, 0:17:22.840 --> 0:17:24.960 which it's none of my business. So I don't know 0:17:25.000 --> 0:17:26.000 why I do that. 0:17:27.560 --> 0:17:28.440 Because you're a feeler. 0:17:28.840 --> 0:17:33.560 Yeah, I'm a feeler and I am intuitive. So I say, 0:17:33.600 --> 0:17:36.800 I don't know how to play the board game of chess, 0:17:36.840 --> 0:17:41.280 but I play the life's game of Chess brilliantly like 0:17:42.040 --> 0:17:46.119 leader of the Board because I know how to handle people. 0:17:46.560 --> 0:17:48.960 I know what they can hear and they can't hear. 0:17:49.040 --> 0:17:51.879 And in a business situation, that has behooved me a 0:17:51.920 --> 0:17:57.400 lot because in my field, I deal with a lot 0:17:57.440 --> 0:18:01.760 of actors and not just on sets as a fellow actor, 0:18:01.960 --> 0:18:07.680 but when I'm producing a project in writing, I have 0:18:07.800 --> 0:18:12.800 to deal with talent, and talent comes with ego, and 0:18:12.880 --> 0:18:16.600 that's okay. Humans come with ego. There's different forms of it. 0:18:16.600 --> 0:18:19.200 It doesn't always have to be negative. But I have 0:18:19.359 --> 0:18:24.959 really tapped into how to approach each person differently to 0:18:25.000 --> 0:18:27.920 get the best outcome for them and the project. So 0:18:28.000 --> 0:18:30.640 I think That's why when I deal with actors a lot, 0:18:30.760 --> 0:18:35.080 and especially females, I will tend to take a back seat. 0:18:35.160 --> 0:18:37.080 But then I don't know how to pull myself back 0:18:37.160 --> 0:18:38.680 up to sit side by side. 0:18:39.359 --> 0:18:41.679 So what I would say with that is that, look, 0:18:42.440 --> 0:18:45.120 we need to flip what you think, which is what 0:18:45.160 --> 0:18:49.480 you're saying is over accommodating into sort of your executive superpower, 0:18:49.600 --> 0:18:53.040 but with a boundary. So I can tell you right 0:18:53.080 --> 0:18:57.119 now what you're experiencing is not weakness. It's high EQ. 0:18:57.560 --> 0:19:01.080 But you don't have a control system. So what you're 0:19:01.119 --> 0:19:03.959 starting what is emotional intelligence? 0:19:04.400 --> 0:19:04.560 Oh? 0:19:04.640 --> 0:19:08.000 Thanks, right, you have a high degree of emotional intelligence 0:19:08.040 --> 0:19:12.640 because you're feeling what other people are. You know your audience. 0:19:13.240 --> 0:19:17.520 The best high EQ people understand their audience, and then 0:19:17.560 --> 0:19:20.399 you tailor your message and your delivery to what that 0:19:20.520 --> 0:19:25.119 audience wants. That's super high EQ. And then also self 0:19:25.119 --> 0:19:28.320 awareness like who am I in that room versus you 0:19:28.359 --> 0:19:30.399 know who everybody else is? 0:19:30.520 --> 0:19:30.680 Right? 0:19:31.119 --> 0:19:33.199 But I think what you just described at sort of 0:19:33.240 --> 0:19:36.680 like elite level emotional intelligence is that most people can't 0:19:36.720 --> 0:19:39.440 read the room, and you're reading individuals inside the room. 0:19:39.880 --> 0:19:42.719 So you're not just a feeler, You're an operator. So 0:19:42.760 --> 0:19:45.720 now you're adjusting your approach to what each person needs. 0:19:46.000 --> 0:19:50.040 That's not people pleasing, that's influence. And that's what I 0:19:50.080 --> 0:19:53.760 want to reframe for you today, Right, your people pleasing 0:19:53.840 --> 0:19:57.600 moment is actually your ability to influence them. The only 0:19:57.720 --> 0:20:03.160 difference is that between influence and self abandonment is intention. 0:20:05.000 --> 0:20:10.480 Hm When when you're in a writer's room, that's that's where 0:20:10.520 --> 0:20:12.679 I wanted to land. Right, So when you're in a 0:20:12.720 --> 0:20:17.920 writer's room or producing, you're using that skill on purpose. Right. 0:20:18.160 --> 0:20:22.200 You're reading the ego, you're calibrating the language, you're managing outcomes. 0:20:22.480 --> 0:20:26.480 That's power. But when you're walking down the street apologizing, 0:20:26.520 --> 0:20:30.159 you're using that same skill unconsciously to make other people 0:20:30.200 --> 0:20:35.040 feel uncomfortable. So the goal is to isn't to stop 0:20:35.080 --> 0:20:38.520 being intuitive. The goal is to decide when it's a 0:20:38.560 --> 0:20:40.359 tool and when it's a habit. 0:20:43.480 --> 0:20:53.760 I think in Tory in the Wild is people know 0:20:53.800 --> 0:20:58.640 who I am and I don't know. You know, when 0:20:58.680 --> 0:21:00.320 I pass them on the street and they look me, 0:21:00.440 --> 0:21:02.840 you know, it's a split second that they get one moment, 0:21:03.119 --> 0:21:05.280 you know of who do we think she is? And 0:21:05.320 --> 0:21:08.639 who is she when we encountered her? And I always 0:21:08.680 --> 0:21:14.399 smile just because that's who I am. But I just 0:21:14.480 --> 0:21:17.200 feel like I don't want them to think I still am. 0:21:17.640 --> 0:21:21.120 There's still an old story in my head of preconceived 0:21:21.200 --> 0:21:24.760 notion from coming on to the set of nine at sixteen, 0:21:25.320 --> 0:21:29.200 of people thinking, oh, well, her father's you know rich, 0:21:29.600 --> 0:21:31.679 you know she's probably going to be a bitch. You 0:21:31.720 --> 0:21:36.600 know she she's all very spoiled. All the assumptions. I 0:21:36.720 --> 0:21:38.760 know none of that's true. Anyone that works with me 0:21:38.840 --> 0:21:42.119 knows none of that is true. But I still carry 0:21:42.119 --> 0:21:45.160 that old story and go above and beyond to prove 0:21:45.240 --> 0:21:49.639 to people on a daily basis that probably not that 0:21:49.720 --> 0:21:53.640 strangers don't matter, but strangers don't matter. Like I'm trying 0:21:53.640 --> 0:21:55.880 to prove to every single person I encounter, like, look 0:21:55.880 --> 0:21:57.680 at me, I'm so nice. I'm nice, nice, nice. 0:21:57.960 --> 0:22:01.800 Yeah. Yeah, here's what I say to you know, I'm 0:22:01.840 --> 0:22:05.880 going to talk to the to the the boss part 0:22:05.920 --> 0:22:13.040 of you right now. I think that when I coach 0:22:13.080 --> 0:22:16.280 my executives, the one thing that I do tell them 0:22:16.440 --> 0:22:19.520 is to own your narrative, and I'll break down what 0:22:19.560 --> 0:22:26.600 that actually means. Right, anytime you run into somebody, or 0:22:26.800 --> 0:22:31.359 anytime anybody encounters you, there's a split second assumption about you, 0:22:31.400 --> 0:22:33.320 whether they can read it on your face, you happen 0:22:33.400 --> 0:22:35.520 to be more public than the others. I totally get 0:22:35.560 --> 0:22:37.399 it right. I mean I've had a little bit of 0:22:37.680 --> 0:22:39.960 a glimpse of that, given you know, all the stuff 0:22:40.000 --> 0:22:42.960 that's happening on my Instagram. I'll go into Grand Central 0:22:42.960 --> 0:22:45.320 station and someone will recognize me, and if I happen 0:22:45.400 --> 0:22:47.960 to have a you know, not so great, you know, 0:22:48.040 --> 0:22:51.640 bitch face on, it stops me too. So I've I've 0:22:51.680 --> 0:22:54.520 had one iota of what you've experienced, and it's like 0:22:54.840 --> 0:22:58.280 you catch yourself sometimes. But going back to like owning 0:22:58.320 --> 0:23:02.399 your narrative right again, you said it yourself that people 0:23:02.440 --> 0:23:04.920 on the street, it doesn't matter. You might be having 0:23:04.920 --> 0:23:06.320 a bad day, you might be having a good day. 0:23:06.400 --> 0:23:08.040 You might not be smiling as much, you may be 0:23:08.080 --> 0:23:10.600 smiling too much, whatever it is. But when you're in 0:23:10.600 --> 0:23:13.040 a room when people are you're going to encounter people 0:23:13.080 --> 0:23:16.160 now one on one, when I say own your narrative 0:23:16.320 --> 0:23:19.120 is get in front of it, because what you're experiencing 0:23:19.200 --> 0:23:23.720 is they've made assumptions, they're questioning toy and then you 0:23:23.760 --> 0:23:26.280 feel like you're in a hole and you're digging yourself 0:23:26.320 --> 0:23:30.040 out to get to neutral. Yes, when you don't own 0:23:30.160 --> 0:23:32.640 your narrative and get in front of it, saying, hey, 0:23:33.200 --> 0:23:35.320 this is what I'm here to do today, this is 0:23:35.560 --> 0:23:37.760 you know, whatever it is that you're trying to accomplish, 0:23:38.160 --> 0:23:41.080