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Speaker 1: I believe that in order for youth sports to be

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Speaker 1: the most fulfilling experience for everyone involved, everybody needs to

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Speaker 1: stay in their lane. Coaches need to coach, players need

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Speaker 1: to play, officials need to associate.

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Speaker 2: And parents simply need to cheer, a courage and support.

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Speaker 1: And as soon as any one of those groups tries

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Speaker 1: to cross over and do somebody else's job, and we

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Speaker 1: start to have a problem.

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Speaker 3: This is the Reform Sports Project, a podcast about restoring

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Speaker 3: healthy balance and perspective in all areas of sports through

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Speaker 3: education and advocacy. Hi, this is Nick Bonacor from the

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Speaker 3: Reform Sports Podcast. Today, I'm speaking with Allen Stein, Junior

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Speaker 3: distinguish keynote speaker, author and former performance coach for professional

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Speaker 3: basketball players for over fifteen years, author of Raise Your Game,

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Speaker 3: and co author of The Sideline, a survival guide for

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Speaker 3: youth sports parents. Allen shares strategies for achieving higher levels

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Speaker 3: of success and navigating the world of youth sports. Allen

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Speaker 3: and I discuss why it's unrealistic to expect perfection from

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Speaker 3: youth sports referees, the importance of modeling the behavior we

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Speaker 3: want to see in our children, and why blaming referees

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Speaker 3: teaches our kids to deflect accountability.

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Speaker 4: Let's go freaking.

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Speaker 3: Fired up back in it got another phenomenal guest. I've

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Speaker 3: built a good relationship with this gentleman. He's actually someone

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Speaker 3: I've spoken with before. But I'm really pumped to have

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Speaker 3: them on. And you know, dig in here one of

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Speaker 3: the best in the business, keynote speaker, author, former performance coach,

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Speaker 3: just an absolute badass.

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Speaker 4: Pump to have him. Allan Stein Junior, Allen, thanks so

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Speaker 4: much for hopping on.

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Speaker 2: Bro oh Man, it's my pleasure. Great to be with

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Speaker 2: you again.

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Speaker 3: Nick, Yeah, for sure, man, And first time we connected.

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Speaker 3: If I'm not mistaken, you had just put out a book.

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Speaker 3: How's everything going with that? It was all kind of

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Speaker 3: around the youth sports landscape, Like what moved you if

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Speaker 3: you don't mind, what was the name of the book again?

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Speaker 4: And what moved you to write it?

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Speaker 2: Well?

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Speaker 1: The book was called The Sideline, A Survival Guide for

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Speaker 1: Youth Sports Parents. And I need to make a quick

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Speaker 1: flipnote and I think you'll be able to appreciate this.

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Speaker 1: So co author rich Sezlaski and I this had kind

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Speaker 1: of been a passion project.

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Speaker 2: We had been talking about for years and we.

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Speaker 1: Finally decided to put pen to paper and put this

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Speaker 1: thing together, and we're ready to drop it in the

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Speaker 1: spring of twenty twenty, which, for those with decent memories,

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Speaker 1: we'll remember that is when the global pandemic started and

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Speaker 1: youth sports in most areas were at least temporarily put

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Speaker 1: on ice for a bit. So we decided to hold

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Speaker 1: off the launch of the book until a little bit

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Speaker 1: later that year. And we still found it fascinating that

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Speaker 1: geographically some areas were opening up and having youth sports,

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Speaker 1: some areas were still kind of holding back and kids

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Speaker 1: weren't playing, some were doing it with masks on, some

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Speaker 1: were just doing it outside like it was still a mess.

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Speaker 2: So we didn't want to launch.

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Speaker 1: The book until there was a time where we felt

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Speaker 1: the entire country was back in the groove with youth sports.

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Speaker 1: So we finally launched it in twenty twenty one, and.

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Speaker 2: We quickly sold out.

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Speaker 1: You know, we sold out a few thousand copies very quickly,

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Speaker 1: and then when we tried to get the reprint, then

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Speaker 1: we started dealing with the supply chain issues that a

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Speaker 1: lot of small businesses during the pandemic felt, and we

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Speaker 1: couldn't get the reprint done fast. Enough, so we decided

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Speaker 1: to pull everything back and just put it on hold

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Speaker 1: until the world came back to what we would consider

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Speaker 1: youth sports normal, which is what we're doing now. So

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Speaker 1: we're getting ready to relaunch the book this spring, and

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Speaker 1: we're so excited to get it back out there.

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Speaker 2: And even though we've had.

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Speaker 1: A couple of speed bumps along the way, we're excited

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Speaker 1: to get it out there in the hands of youth

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Speaker 1: sports parents and youth sport coaches. Youth sports has been

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Speaker 1: a massive part of my life for my entire life,

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Speaker 1: and the same is true for Rich my co author,

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Speaker 1: and it's in perfect alignment with all of the amazing

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Speaker 1: stuff that you share on social and in your newsletters.

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Speaker 1: So we're we're huge fans of yours and really believe that, you.

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Speaker 2: Know, we share a similar audience and a similar message.

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Speaker 3: First of all, congrats, I can't wait. I'm so pumped

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Speaker 3: for I know, talk about timing, I mean.

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Speaker 4: You know, what if there's one.

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Speaker 3: If there's one, I mean, I feel bad for everyone

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Speaker 3: that you know, we all struggled during that time. I

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Speaker 3: would say the demographic that I feel the most pained for,

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Speaker 3: you know. Kind of a side topic, are the kids

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Speaker 3: that lost like.

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Speaker 4: Their senior year in high school.

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Speaker 3: That that and I was fortunately my kids, you know,

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Speaker 3: weren't at that age at that time.

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Speaker 4: But it's a powerful year.

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Speaker 3: I mean, that's a year I think everyone who played

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Speaker 3: sports remembers, right your senior, even if you go on

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Speaker 3: and be a professional athlete, right that senior in high school.

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Speaker 4: So, you know, shout out to those kids.

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Speaker 3: I'm glad that we all are on you know, like

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Speaker 3: to be on the other side of that for the

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Speaker 3: most part. And you know one post you did here recently,

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Speaker 3: Alan and to your point of us kind of you know,

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Speaker 3: being like mind that I.

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Speaker 4: Agree with you. You did a post recently.

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Speaker 3: I shared it on the social on our Facebook platform.

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Speaker 4: Was about kind of be rating officials.

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Speaker 3: And I know you're a hoopsky if I'm not mistaken,

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Speaker 3: you work with Steph Curry, but you talked about like

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Speaker 3: you could probably give the better verbage. But I'll just

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Speaker 3: say this being an absolute idiot on the sidelines and

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Speaker 3: harassing officials, you know what I mean, it doesn't.

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Speaker 4: Matter the sport.

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Speaker 3: My kids, my older boys wrestle, my younger ones are

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Speaker 3: starting to do it.

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Speaker 4: I'mpiring officiate.

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Speaker 3: You know, it doesn't matter what sport, there is an

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Speaker 3: official issue, right there are there's a lack of them,

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Speaker 3: right And I was at my kids youth soccer game

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Speaker 3: this weekend and they're six. So a lot of the

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Speaker 3: kids out there that are officiating or like high school kids,

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Speaker 3: and they're getting like at times, they're even hearing some

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Speaker 3: knucklehead parents like hey, wake up.

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Speaker 4: Like this kid's fifteen, sixteen, he's just trying to It's like,

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Speaker 4: what is going to help this?

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Speaker 3: I guess you know a backlog of recruits for officials

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Speaker 3: if they're all getting scared out when they're in by

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Speaker 3: middle school or high school.

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Speaker 4: So to your point of your.

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Speaker 3: Post, how do we rectify this official or help situation?

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Speaker 1: Well, man, I'm so glad that you enjoyed that post,

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Speaker 1: and it was very well received and it went fairly viral.

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Speaker 2: I mean, it was shared.

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Speaker 1: Over five thousand times and I got hundreds and hundreds

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Speaker 1: of comments. The vast majority were in support of the message.

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Speaker 1: But then there were still a few naysayers who believe

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Speaker 1: they have every right to, as they call it, hold

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Speaker 1: referees accountable. But there's two things that and I would

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Speaker 1: say these are almost central to the book that we

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Speaker 1: wrote that we're trying to get parents to take a

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Speaker 1: different look at One of those is to try to

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Speaker 1: encourage parents not to yell instructions or to coach from

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Speaker 1: the sideline, to leave that to the actual coaches, and

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Speaker 1: then the other is to just take it easy on

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Speaker 1: the officials. Like I believe that in order for youth

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Speaker 1: sports to be the most fulfilling experience for everyone involved,

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Speaker 1: everybody needs to stay in their lane. Coaches need to coach,

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Speaker 1: players need to play, officials need to officiate, and parents

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Speaker 1: simply need to cheer, encourage, and support. And as soon

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Speaker 1: as any one of those groups tries to cross over

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Speaker 1: and do somebody else's job, then we start to have

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Speaker 1: a problem. So when a parent believes, when sitting in

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Speaker 1: the bleachers or on the sideline that they should be officiating,

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Speaker 1: that they're being of help by berating the officials, that's.

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Speaker 2: When we start to have a problem. And it's funny.

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Speaker 2: So for context, I have.

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Speaker 1: Thirteen year old twin sons, and I have an almost

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Speaker 1: eleven year old, and all three of them are very

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Speaker 1: active youth basketball players. And I was at my son's

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Speaker 1: game yesterday. He was playing in a local championship game,

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Speaker 1: and during halftime, the referee came and sat next to

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Speaker 1: me in the bleachers, and this gentleman was I didn't

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Speaker 1: ask for his exact age, but I'm guessing he's mid sixties,

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Speaker 1: and from the way he was moving up and down

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Speaker 1: the court, looked like he probably had a couple of

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Speaker 1: knee surgeries. I mean, this gentleman was doing the best

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Speaker 1: he could, but he wasn't the most mobilest people that

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Speaker 1: I've ever seen. And he sat down and I just said, man,

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Speaker 1: long day, and he said, dude, this is my tenth

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Speaker 1: game today. And I said, wow, man, first of all,

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Speaker 1: you're doing a great job, and you really appreciate it.

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Speaker 2: Ten games.

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Speaker 1: And he looked at me dead in the eye and said, man,

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Speaker 1: we don't have enough officials, Like we have to do

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Speaker 1: all of these games because there's not enough officials, and

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Speaker 1: I want to make sure the kids can play.

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Speaker 2: And I said, well, why aren't there enough officials?

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Speaker 1: And he smiled and winked, and he just looked over

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Speaker 1: his shoulder behind him at all of the parents and

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Speaker 1: kind of made a gesture as if like, to your point,

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Speaker 1: what you're saying wants.

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Speaker 2: To do this?

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Speaker 1: Who wants to get paid minimum wage to run up

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Speaker 1: and down the court and have kids' parents break them

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Speaker 1: and scream at them and basically criticize every single thing

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Speaker 1: that they do, and him not even saying anything, just

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Speaker 1: making kind of that wink in.

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Speaker 2: That gesture really spoke volume.

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Speaker 1: So I just want parents to understand a couple of

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Speaker 1: things when it comes to yelling at referees. One which

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Speaker 1: I just made this point, it's not your job. Your

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Speaker 1: job is to support, to cheer, and to encourage your child.

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Speaker 1: You're not here to hold referees accountable. If you believe

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Speaker 1: that you can do a better job officiating than the

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Speaker 1: people currently doing it, you are more than welcome to

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Speaker 1: sign up, go through the referee training, put on a

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Speaker 1: striped shirt, and do it yourself.

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Speaker 2: Second, and I think this is even more important.

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Speaker 1: I firmly believe that when parents are yelling at referees,

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Speaker 1: they are unconsciously telling their child that it's not your

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Speaker 1: fault and that it's okay to blame someone else, or

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Speaker 1: it's okay to make excuses. It takes this attitude of

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Speaker 1: extreme ownership off of our children and it puts it.

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Speaker 2: On someone else that you know.

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Speaker 1: And I, as a parent, that's the exact opposite of

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Speaker 1: what I want to teach and model for my children.

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Speaker 1: I want them to hold themselves fully accountable to everything.

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Speaker 2: And the other thing that I find really interesting.

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Speaker 1: With this is, for some reason, of all of the

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Speaker 1: different roles that I just mentioned, the officiating role is

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Speaker 1: the only one where there's this.

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Speaker 2: Expectation of perfection. Like, why in the.

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Speaker 1: World would a parent think that someone refereeing, as you

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Speaker 1: just said, a six year old soccer game, is going

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Speaker 1: to be perfect at that? No one, none of these

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Speaker 1: roles are perfect. Coaches aren't perfect. Players certainly aren't perfect.

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Speaker 1: Why is there an expectation that referees would be perfect?

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Speaker 1: And you know, to yell at a referee for missing

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Speaker 1: a travelin call, or for not calling three seconds or

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Speaker 1: not calling it over the back, as if they're supposed

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Speaker 1: to be absolutely perfect at their job. I just think

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Speaker 1: is diminishing the experience of youth sports and teaching our

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Speaker 1: kids the wrong lessons.

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Speaker 4: I'm so glad that you set.

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Speaker 3: You should have seen my face when I you talked

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Speaker 3: about that, because as you were speaking and I was thinking,

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Speaker 3: I'm like, man, you know you're talking about entire You know,

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Speaker 3: I love the sport of wrestling, all right, I knew

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Speaker 3: nothing about it, right, my kids got introduced to it

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Speaker 3: seven years ago, and quite frankly, I fell in love

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Speaker 3: with it right away because I was like, oh my god,

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Speaker 3: there's finally a sport where parents can't say, oh my god,

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Speaker 3: the ball bounced the wrong way, oh the umpire did

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Speaker 3: this or whatever. The lineup sucks, and I'm like, you

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Speaker 3: know what, you get pinned. You get pinned, You get

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Speaker 3: your rear end kicked, you get kicked. And I was like, man,

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Speaker 3: talk about being able to teach accountability. And as a

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Speaker 3: baseball guy, you know, growing up and playing in college,

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Speaker 3: I was like, man, I love the sport because I

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Speaker 3: think youth baseball is one of the most toxic places

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Speaker 3: for excuse making and entitlement teaching. Like to your point

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Speaker 3: of you know, yes, you get in the car and

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Speaker 3: the first thing I'm doing is talking to my twelve

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Speaker 3: year old or eight year old or fifteen year old

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Speaker 3: son or daughter about, yeah, that wasn't your fault, and

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Speaker 3: this is to your point, this is exactly what I'm saying.

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Speaker 3: If I'm blaming the official, I might as well just

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Speaker 3: be saying it's not your fault. It's okay, you know,

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Speaker 3: you got screwed, Like what am I telling my kid?

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Speaker 3: Like you're teaching no accountability, You're totally eliminating.

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Speaker 4: What I think is, you know, one.

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Speaker 3: Of the biggest things to extract from the youth sport experience,

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Speaker 3: and that's accountability, right, those life skills. But it's hard,

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Speaker 3: it's hard to not get wrapped up. And I'm gonna

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Speaker 3: play both sides and sure in how competitive, right in

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Speaker 3: the emotion and the jubilation and the joy of being

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Speaker 3: your kids fan. Right, So in that moment, how many

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Speaker 3: people are disciplined enough allen to go like my kid's

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Speaker 3: about to score in a soccer game or basketball game, whatever,

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Speaker 3: and then all of a sudden there's a file that's

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Speaker 3: committed or whatever, a penalty and the reford doesn't see

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Speaker 3: it and me not go. It's like a split second

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Speaker 3: decision of me on going like, oh, well, the referees

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Speaker 3: human or.

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Speaker 4: God make that call, you know, Like, how do I.

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Speaker 2: How do you know when the boss, I'm so glad

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Speaker 2: you went in that direction?

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Speaker 1: And first I know that it can often sound at

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Speaker 1: first glance like I'm being heavily critical of youth sports parents,

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Speaker 1: and I want to make it crystal clear how much

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Speaker 1: I value, respect, love, and appreciate any parent that makes

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Speaker 1: the sacrifices they do for their child to play sports.

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Speaker 1: I mean they make time, money, and effort sacrifices. And

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Speaker 1: as a fellow youth sports parent, I want to support

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Speaker 1: and champion and help youth sports parents. So anything that

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Speaker 1: may be perceived that I'm saying or that I put

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Speaker 1: in the book as criticism is only done with the

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Speaker 1: intention of trying to help and to get parents to see.

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Speaker 2: A better way.

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Speaker 1: And yes, it is so hard, and I can speak,

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Speaker 1: you know, as a recent convert, because when I was younger,

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Speaker 1: when I was a youth player myself, I was notorious

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Speaker 1: for blaming the referees and making excuses.

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Speaker 2: It was never my fault, it was always their fault.

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Speaker 1: And even as I got older as a young coach,

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Speaker 1: I would tend to place blame in other places. So

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Speaker 1: my stance is somewhat new found within the last decade

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Speaker 1: of having kids and really seeing, you know, on this

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Speaker 1: side of it. So I understand that parents are competitive,

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Speaker 1: that parents want to see their children thrive and be

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Speaker 1: successful on the court, on the field, or on the

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Speaker 1: wrestling mat, you know, and they love their children and they.

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Speaker 2: Want us even thrive and successful and.

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Speaker 1: Win, and I get it, but we just have to

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Speaker 1: remember the big picture. And I think what's most important

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Speaker 1: is for parents to get crystal clear on why they

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Speaker 1: want their child to play youth sports in the first place.

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Speaker 2: And for me, the main reasons.

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Speaker 1: I want my kids to play sports is not because

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Speaker 1: I think they're going to be professional athletes for me.

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Speaker 1: It's not even so they can earn college scholarships. For me,

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Speaker 1: so they can learn life lessons and that they can

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Speaker 1: have unbelievable friendships and create memories and have experiences and

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Speaker 1: just enjoy doing something that you know that they consider fun.

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Speaker 1: That's why I want my kids to play sports.

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Speaker 2: Now.

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Speaker 1: If it happens to be able to turn into something

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Speaker 1: that they can do after high school, that's fine, that

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Speaker 1: would just be an extra bonus. But the main reason

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Speaker 1: I want my kids to play sports is so that

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Speaker 1: they can learn really.

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Speaker 2: Important life lessons.

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Speaker 1: And if that is my number one goal, if that

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Speaker 1: is my north star, then I need to make sure

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Speaker 1: all of my behavior as a youth sports parent is

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Speaker 1: in alignment with that. And as we've already established, if

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Speaker 1: my goal is for them to learn life lessons and

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Speaker 1: the behavior I'm modeling, is actually teaching them the wrong lessons,

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Speaker 1: is teaching them to, you know, deflect accountability and blame

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Speaker 1: other people and make excuses and complain. Then my behavior

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Speaker 1: is doing the exact opposite of what I'm intending. I'm

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Speaker 1: undermining what i want my kids.

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Speaker 2: To be learning.

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Speaker 1: And if you can take a step back and just

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Speaker 1: take a deep breath and just say yes, you know,

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Speaker 1: I would love for my kids to be successful on

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Speaker 1: the court or on the field, but you have to

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Speaker 1: truly believe that, you know, being able to play through

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Speaker 1: bad calls or missed calls, or allowing imperfection from.

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Speaker 2: The referees is all part of that.

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Speaker 1: I mean, going back to that game with my kids yesterday,

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Speaker 1: my son Luke's team ended up losing in the championship.

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Speaker 1: He missed several shots and he turned the ball over

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Speaker 1: several times.

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Speaker 2: Now, he played really hard, and he played unselfishly.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I'm so proud of him, but statistically, he

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Speaker 1: made several mistakes.

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Speaker 2: Missshots and turnovers. So if my own son.

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Speaker 1: Is going to make a handful of mistakes, why am

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Speaker 1: I expecting that the referee is going to be perfect?

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Speaker 1: Why would I not give the referee the same grace

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Speaker 1: that I would give my own child, which is, it's

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Speaker 1: okay to make mistakes. You are young, you are learning

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Speaker 1: the game. I mean, let's think about it. There's a

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Speaker 1: reason that this almost seventy year old gentleman with hobbled

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Speaker 1: knees is.

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Speaker 2: Refereeing a youth basketball game.

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Speaker 1: It's because he's not good enough to be in the NBA.

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Speaker 2: That's why he's doing a youth game. So shouldn't we

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Speaker 2: have slightly lower expectations? And I say that with a smile.

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Speaker 1: Why is someone expecting someone that is doing ten youth

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Speaker 1: basketball games on a Sunday to have the acumen and

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Speaker 1: the competence of an NBA official who were the absolute.

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Speaker 2: Best in the world at what they do.

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Speaker 1: And the worse the comedic part of all that is,

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Speaker 1: even though the NBA referees are the absolute best in

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Speaker 1: the world at what they do, they still make mistakes,

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Speaker 1: and as we can see from watching games, they still

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Speaker 1: get berated by coaches and players. I think one of

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Speaker 1: the hardest parts in trying to resolve this, which is.

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Speaker 2: I know what you would ask, just using basketball.

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Speaker 1: As an example, NBA players are awful at their body

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Speaker 1: language and their response to calls that they don't like.

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Speaker 2: I mean, the best players in the world are.

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Speaker 1: Constantly blaming, complaining, and making excuses to the referees. So unfortunately,

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Speaker 1: that's something that our children are seeing, that's something that

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Speaker 1: parents are seeing, and then folks just try to emulate

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Speaker 1: that behavior. And that's something I talk to my children

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Speaker 1: all the time about. Say, hey, look, just because Lebron

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Speaker 1: complains about a call in a game, doesn't mean that

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Speaker 1: it's okay for you to do that. You know, you're

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Speaker 1: not Lebron. And I say that with a smile and

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Speaker 1: a wing to my own children. So I think the

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Speaker 1: most important part is for us as parents to have

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Speaker 1: the discipline, the self control, and the emotional regulation skills

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Speaker 1: to take a deep breath and to just give the

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Speaker 1: referees some grace. Don't say anything about what it is

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Speaker 1: that they're doing, let them do their job, and put

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Speaker 1: all of our focus into loving, supporting, encouraging, and cheering

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Speaker 1: for our own children. Even when you disagree with a call,

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Speaker 1: even when it's blatantly obvious that the referee missed a call,

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Speaker 1: just remember that they are allowed to make mistakes the

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Speaker 1: same way our children are allowed to make mistakes, and

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Speaker 1: the same way we are as parents. You know, I

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Speaker 1: don't know about you, but I'm certainly not batting a

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Speaker 1: thousand when it comes to.

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Speaker 2: Decisions that I've made with my children.

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Speaker 1: I've made more than my share of parenting mistakes in

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Speaker 1: a variety of capacities, and I.

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Speaker 2: Learned from them. I try not to repeat them, and

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Speaker 2: I love my kids anyway.

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Speaker 3: When we come back, Alan and I discuss why growth

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Speaker 3: often happens in times of adversity.

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Speaker 4: Welcome back where we left off.

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Speaker 3: Alan and I were about to talk about why it's

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Speaker 3: important to you kids that if they want to enjoy winning,

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Speaker 3: they need to have the courage and accountability to accept losing.

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Speaker 3: It's funny you say that my oldest son is getting

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Speaker 3: ready to you know, he's gonna go wrestle in college

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Speaker 3: next year. He's a senior in high school, so he'll

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Speaker 3: be graduating here in the next several months or the

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Speaker 3: next couple of months.

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Speaker 4: And we were.

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Speaker 3: Talking about after his wrestling season, my wife and I

404
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Speaker 3: brought him out to dinner. He was fortunate to win

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Speaker 3: a North Carolina high school state championship for the first time,

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Speaker 3: which was freaking awesome. You know, something he worked hard

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Speaker 3: for and so he went out to dinner and we're

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Speaker 3: kind of, you know, you're sitting down with your kid

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Speaker 3: and reflecting on the years and.

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Speaker 4: His freshman year.

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Speaker 3: You know, he first of all, it was funny because

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Speaker 3: he was mainly a JV guy his freshman year because

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Speaker 3: he had a state champion in front of him at

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Speaker 3: the weight, so we had to back up. Now, on

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Speaker 3: ninety percent of the teams in the state, he would

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Speaker 3: have been a starter, but we were state champs and

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Speaker 3: he had a stud in front of him, so he

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Speaker 3: got better from that experience. Anyway, he ended up placing

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Speaker 3: fourth as a sophomore in the state, second as a junior,

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Speaker 3: and as a senior.

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Speaker 4: You know, winning it. So we have development there.

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Speaker 3: But also we were talking about his freshman year and

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Speaker 3: his freshman year he would come home sometimes and talk

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Speaker 3: about how he was kind of getting hazed a little bit,

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Speaker 3: you know, maybe getting getting picked on in the room

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Speaker 3: or whatever, and you know, I at times and he

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Speaker 3: was telling me, he goes, Dad, you were kind of

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Speaker 3: you kind of didn't believe me, And I was like,

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Speaker 3: what do you mean now, He's like, well, you were

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Speaker 3: telling me. I was almost like, are you the one

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Speaker 3: who's being goofy, like are you egging it out? Are

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Speaker 3: you encouraging guys to get on you know what I mean?

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Speaker 3: Like like I was quick to almost like I want

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Speaker 3: to say, blame him for maybe getting you know, because

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Speaker 3: I know he is a goofball, you know what I mean,

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Speaker 3: like at times, well, and now he's telling me he's like, no, Dad,

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Speaker 3: I was legitimately like getting bullied a little by a

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Speaker 3: couple of guys who.

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Speaker 4: Were just complete idiots. And they're no longer in the room.

440
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:51,439
Speaker 3: So one of his goals as a senior was to

441
00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:55,520
Speaker 3: change the Now, mind you, he was never like I

442
00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:56,880
Speaker 3: was never concerned for his safety.

443
00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:59,720
Speaker 4: I was never concerned for that, you know.

444
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:02,000
Speaker 3: So if that were an issue, I would have probably

445
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:03,720
Speaker 3: I would have certainly stepped it up a little bit

446
00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:05,680
Speaker 3: and all that. But I do remember him complaining a

447
00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:08,159
Speaker 3: little bit how guys were being at times jerks to

448
00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:10,840
Speaker 3: him or whatever. But the end of the story is,

449
00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:12,600
Speaker 3: you know, he's gotten better from it by that point.

450
00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:15,919
Speaker 3: Is his goal was to make sure as a senior

451
00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:18,280
Speaker 3: that the room, the wrestling room changed. He didn't want

452
00:20:18,280 --> 00:20:21,159
Speaker 3: to have any hazing, any type of He wanted to

453
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:23,679
Speaker 3: make it where when freshmen come in sophomores come in

454
00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:25,320
Speaker 3: like we're a family, and by god, it's one of

455
00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:27,920
Speaker 3: the most things I'm proud of him and my youngest son, Tylerant.

456
00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:32,879
Speaker 3: They've really created this room of individuals where everyone's on

457
00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:35,520
Speaker 3: the same team, everyone gets along. It's a giant family.

458
00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:40,119
Speaker 3: And it took some time for development for that. So

459
00:20:40,119 --> 00:20:41,760
Speaker 3: there's a couple pieces. And where I'm going with this

460
00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:44,960
Speaker 3: is we have to let kids come into their own right.

461
00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:47,920
Speaker 3: That we talk about late bloomers, we talk about opportunities

462
00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:50,560
Speaker 3: to get better, and this kind of goes into the whole.

463
00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:54,600
Speaker 3: I think urgency with officials and results right away. It's like,

464
00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:57,200
Speaker 3: if we step back and really think about, like you mentioned,

465
00:20:57,240 --> 00:21:00,119
Speaker 3: the big picture and let things come into the on

466
00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:04,240
Speaker 3: I feel like, you know, through the struggles of you know, failure,

467
00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:06,960
Speaker 3: through the struggles of adversity, through all those things, if

468
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:10,679
Speaker 3: we let our kids develop and really you know, become

469
00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:13,840
Speaker 3: sponges of the entire experience and not just you know,

470
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:16,880
Speaker 3: make it so it's a paved road of joy and

471
00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:19,600
Speaker 3: winning and success, I feel like long term the end

472
00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:22,960
Speaker 3: up being better. But how do we allow for the

473
00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:25,880
Speaker 3: late blooming to happen without getting caught up in Oh

474
00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:28,400
Speaker 3: my god, this kid's getting recruited in eighth grade because early,

475
00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:29,840
Speaker 3: you know, that's a big piece of his ault.

476
00:21:30,359 --> 00:21:32,560
Speaker 1: I'm so so glad you went in that direction Like

477
00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:35,399
Speaker 1: that is one of the most valuable parts of the

478
00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:39,959
Speaker 1: sporting experience is to provide a safe environment for our

479
00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:43,479
Speaker 1: kids to make mistakes, for our kids to quote unquote

480
00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:46,560
Speaker 1: miss some shots, make some turnovers, lose some gains, and

481
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:50,280
Speaker 1: that's that's where the growth actually happens. The growth occurs

482
00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:52,679
Speaker 1: through the adversity and through the challenge, you know, the

483
00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:55,320
Speaker 1: growth occurs, you know, with that example that you just said,

484
00:21:55,359 --> 00:21:58,040
Speaker 1: your son has to take a back seat to someone

485
00:21:58,080 --> 00:22:00,439
Speaker 1: that's in front of him that's a more accomplished at

486
00:22:00,480 --> 00:22:03,520
Speaker 1: the time, and gets to learn from that experience, you know,

487
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:07,000
Speaker 1: gets to rev up his hunger so that when he's

488
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:09,879
Speaker 1: given an opportunity then he's able to shine. And for

489
00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:12,920
Speaker 1: him to not only shine literally on the wrestling mat,

490
00:22:13,119 --> 00:22:15,560
Speaker 1: but to use that as a springboard to help change

491
00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:18,239
Speaker 1: the culture and the way that the wrestling room was

492
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:20,399
Speaker 1: behaving is even better.

493
00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:22,760
Speaker 2: And that's what I think is so important.

494
00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:26,080
Speaker 1: So you know, is as much as we want to

495
00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:29,320
Speaker 1: see our kids happy and thriving and smiling and winning

496
00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:32,480
Speaker 1: and hoisting trophies and all that. The real growth comes

497
00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:34,720
Speaker 1: from the low times. And you know it's funny. I

498
00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:37,080
Speaker 1: mentioned my son Luke's game yesterday. All three of my

499
00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:41,440
Speaker 1: kids had a game yesterday. All three of them lost yesterday,

500
00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:43,960
Speaker 1: and we had a really good family discussion after and

501
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:46,640
Speaker 1: I said, look, I know that losing is no fun.

502
00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:49,800
Speaker 1: I know that it's everybody's preference, including mine, to win.

503
00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:53,080
Speaker 1: But losing is a part of the game. And if

504
00:22:53,119 --> 00:22:56,240
Speaker 1: you want to be able to enjoy winning, then you

505
00:22:56,359 --> 00:22:59,080
Speaker 1: have to have the courage and the ownership and the

506
00:22:59,119 --> 00:23:03,560
Speaker 1: accountability to accept losing. And when you do lose, you

507
00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:06,399
Speaker 1: don't point the finger. You don't complain, you don't make excuses.

508
00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:09,800
Speaker 1: You hold yourself fully accountable and ask yourself, what could

509
00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:13,000
Speaker 1: I have done to maybe have changed this outcome? What

510
00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:15,960
Speaker 1: is something I could have done better to potentially given

511
00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:17,000
Speaker 1: us a better.

512
00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:17,440
Speaker 2: Chance to win?

513
00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:20,280
Speaker 1: And when we can focus on making sure that we're

514
00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:23,920
Speaker 1: learning in all of these experiences, then we'll grow and.

515
00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:26,359
Speaker 2: Keep in perspective. You know the age.

516
00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:29,280
Speaker 1: I mean, our children are not professionals, you know, I mean,

517
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:30,800
Speaker 1: at least with my children, they're not.

518
00:23:30,760 --> 00:23:31,880
Speaker 2: Even collegiate athletes.

519
00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:34,200
Speaker 1: Yet they're still youth players, they're not even in high

520
00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:37,680
Speaker 1: school yet. This is the time to learn as many

521
00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:40,840
Speaker 1: of these lessons and experiences as you can. And you know,

522
00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:45,040
Speaker 1: one of my firmest beliefs as a parent is we

523
00:23:45,119 --> 00:23:47,680
Speaker 1: need to model the behavior that we want to see

524
00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:48,480
Speaker 1: in our children.

525
00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:49,439
Speaker 2: So if we want.

526
00:23:49,359 --> 00:23:53,720
Speaker 1: Children that are respectful, hardworking, have great attitudes, that are coachable,

527
00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:56,879
Speaker 1: that are enthusiastic, that are willing to learn from mistakes,

528
00:23:57,160 --> 00:23:59,840
Speaker 1: then we need to model all of those different behaviors.

529
00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:03,600
Speaker 1: And that's why, you know, berating officials, as tempting as

530
00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:06,040
Speaker 1: it may be in the heat of the moment, is

531
00:24:06,119 --> 00:24:08,760
Speaker 1: going in the wrong direction. And one other thought on

532
00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:10,960
Speaker 1: that that and I say this with a huge smile

533
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:14,920
Speaker 1: because it's almost comical. Is I literally want to ask parents,

534
00:24:15,119 --> 00:24:17,200
Speaker 1: you know, when a call is missed on the court

535
00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:19,480
Speaker 1: and you scream out at the referee.

536
00:24:19,080 --> 00:24:22,240
Speaker 2: For missing the call, what do you actually.

537
00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:24,439
Speaker 1: Think is going to happen from you yelling that, like,

538
00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:25,760
Speaker 1: what is the intended result?

539
00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:27,880
Speaker 4: He's going to reverse the call. He's going to change

540
00:24:27,880 --> 00:24:29,280
Speaker 4: it automatically.

541
00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:28,960
Speaker 2: I know.

542
00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:31,720
Speaker 1: And that's the part that's so comical because in the

543
00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:36,400
Speaker 1: history of sport, at every single level, no referee has

544
00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:39,600
Speaker 1: ever changed a call because a parent sitting in the

545
00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:42,600
Speaker 1: bleachers berated them, Like, it just doesn't happen. You know,

546
00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:46,840
Speaker 1: in the very rare instance that any call is ever overturned,

547
00:24:46,960 --> 00:24:50,240
Speaker 1: it's usually because one official saw something different than the other.

548
00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:53,280
Speaker 1: They get together for ten seconds and then they say, no,

549
00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:55,920
Speaker 1: the ball actually went out on blue. The one referee

550
00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:57,399
Speaker 1: thought it went out on white. But we have a

551
00:24:57,440 --> 00:24:59,440
Speaker 1: better vantage point than we change it. And of course

552
00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:00,960
Speaker 1: with the profession the level, they've got the.

553
00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:03,240
Speaker 2: Luxury of instant replay and so forth.

554
00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:05,680
Speaker 1: But I don't understand what the parents' goal is By

555
00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:07,600
Speaker 1: screaming out and highlighting in front of.

556
00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:10,080
Speaker 2: The whole gym that the referee missed this call. What

557
00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:11,919
Speaker 2: do you think is going to happen?

558
00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:15,320
Speaker 1: If anything, you're embarrassing the referee, You're trying to show

559
00:25:15,359 --> 00:25:15,679
Speaker 1: them up.

560
00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:17,800
Speaker 2: You're criticizing someone.

561
00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:20,760
Speaker 1: Who, as we've already established, is hardly getting paid anything

562
00:25:21,200 --> 00:25:23,639
Speaker 1: and is only there in service of our children. Like,

563
00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:26,080
Speaker 1: I don't understand what the intended outcome is. It's not

564
00:25:26,119 --> 00:25:28,760
Speaker 1: going to change anything, and if anything, it'll probably sway

565
00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:31,680
Speaker 1: the referee against you and your team because they don't

566
00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:34,480
Speaker 1: like being shown up and criticized publicly.

567
00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:35,520
Speaker 2: Because none of us would.

568
00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:38,000
Speaker 1: And you know, the other example I use all the

569
00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:42,160
Speaker 1: time is, I mean, just imagine if whatever you're listeners,

570
00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:45,199
Speaker 1: whatever job you have, if someone just showed up to

571
00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:47,320
Speaker 1: your job and sat a few feet away from you

572
00:25:47,520 --> 00:25:50,639
Speaker 1: and started screaming at you for every single thing that

573
00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:54,200
Speaker 1: you were doing. It's just it's completely unacceptable. In every

574
00:25:54,240 --> 00:25:57,280
Speaker 1: area of life, that is completely unacceptable. But for some reason,

575
00:25:57,880 --> 00:26:00,359
Speaker 1: we tend to give a pass at youth sports.

576
00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:02,120
Speaker 2: And we think it is completely fine.

577
00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:05,320
Speaker 1: To brate and criticize and yell and scream as someone

578
00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:07,159
Speaker 1: who's just trying to do the best they can. And

579
00:26:07,240 --> 00:26:09,639
Speaker 1: you know, also keep in mind those lanes that I

580
00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:13,680
Speaker 1: mentioned earlier. I want parents to know that the parenting role,

581
00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:16,520
Speaker 1: that being a fan of the game is the only

582
00:26:16,560 --> 00:26:20,000
Speaker 1: one that's not required. Like you have to have players

583
00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:21,879
Speaker 1: to play a game, you have to have coaches to

584
00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:23,720
Speaker 1: play a game, and you have to have officials.

585
00:26:23,760 --> 00:26:25,600
Speaker 2: Those three are non negotiable.

586
00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:27,280
Speaker 1: If you don't have any one of those three, then

587
00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:28,560
Speaker 1: a game can't transpire.

588
00:26:28,760 --> 00:26:30,800
Speaker 2: But you don't need parents and you don't need fans.

589
00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:32,560
Speaker 1: You can clear the gym and get rid of every

590
00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:34,720
Speaker 1: single parent that game can still go on.

591
00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:36,880
Speaker 2: So parents need to realize.

592
00:26:36,440 --> 00:26:39,159
Speaker 1: That, you know, it's they need to be thankful for

593
00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:41,720
Speaker 1: the opportunity to be able to watch their child and

594
00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:42,720
Speaker 1: cheer their child on.

595
00:26:43,240 --> 00:26:45,920
Speaker 2: That they're not a requirement for the game to go on.

596
00:26:46,040 --> 00:26:48,480
Speaker 1: That it's a privilege, it's not a right to be

597
00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:52,440
Speaker 1: in the stands, and we need to hold that privilege

598
00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:53,080
Speaker 1: more sacredly.

599
00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:54,520
Speaker 4: That's a freaking great point.

600
00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:56,679
Speaker 3: It brought me back to, you know, COVID times when

601
00:26:56,720 --> 00:26:58,199
Speaker 3: there were no sports and all we want to do

602
00:26:58,280 --> 00:26:59,399
Speaker 3: is watch our kids play.

603
00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:01,679
Speaker 4: Man. It's a great reminder.

604
00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:04,959
Speaker 3: And ow, I know you you're big at speaking at

605
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:09,040
Speaker 3: all different types of engagements, whether it's you know, sports organizations,

606
00:27:09,280 --> 00:27:12,840
Speaker 3: business organizations, you know, keynotes of all kind you have,

607
00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:17,199
Speaker 3: You're re releasing your book, tons of great content. What

608
00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:20,199
Speaker 3: are the best places for people to connect and be

609
00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:20,960
Speaker 3: able to follow you?

610
00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:24,320
Speaker 1: Well, I really appreciate this conversation and this opportunity. I

611
00:27:24,359 --> 00:27:26,640
Speaker 1: want folks to keep in mind that trying to help

612
00:27:26,680 --> 00:27:28,200
Speaker 1: and support and encourage youth.

613
00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:31,120
Speaker 2: Sports parents is just a passion project of mine.

614
00:27:31,280 --> 00:27:34,080
Speaker 1: As you mentioned, my main vocation is as a corporate

615
00:27:34,119 --> 00:27:37,720
Speaker 1: keynote speaker, so I have a website alan Stein Junior

616
00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:40,199
Speaker 1: dot com as anyone is ever interested in that. But

617
00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:41,760
Speaker 1: the best way for folks to get in touch with

618
00:27:41,800 --> 00:27:43,800
Speaker 1: me or stay in touch is just to follow on

619
00:27:43,840 --> 00:27:47,400
Speaker 1: social at allan Stein Jor if you follow me on

620
00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:50,840
Speaker 1: on Instagram or on Facebook or anything like that, just

621
00:27:50,840 --> 00:27:53,200
Speaker 1: shoot me a DM if you have any questions or

622
00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:56,119
Speaker 1: if you want to talk about this some more, you know,

623
00:27:56,480 --> 00:27:57,600
Speaker 1: be my honor to do it.

624
00:27:57,680 --> 00:27:58,920
Speaker 2: And then when we do re.

625
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:03,480
Speaker 1: Release the sideline, that will be the sidelinebook dot com.

626
00:28:03,160 --> 00:28:04,399
Speaker 2: And we would love to get that in.

627
00:28:04,440 --> 00:28:07,680
Speaker 1: As many parents' hands as possible. We do a lot

628
00:28:07,680 --> 00:28:10,040
Speaker 1: of different team and program bulk orders.

629
00:28:10,080 --> 00:28:10,240
Speaker 2: You know.

630
00:28:10,280 --> 00:28:13,200
Speaker 1: We just had a basketball program a few weeks ago

631
00:28:13,560 --> 00:28:16,840
Speaker 1: order twenty five hundred copies to give one to every

632
00:28:16,880 --> 00:28:19,840
Speaker 1: single parent in their program, and they really want to

633
00:28:19,880 --> 00:28:22,240
Speaker 1: make that a part of their culture, the same way

634
00:28:22,119 --> 00:28:24,520
Speaker 1: that your son wanted to change the landscape of the

635
00:28:24,560 --> 00:28:27,280
Speaker 1: culture in the wrestling room. We've got some schools and

636
00:28:27,320 --> 00:28:30,200
Speaker 1: some organizations that want to change the landscape of how

637
00:28:30,280 --> 00:28:32,640
Speaker 1: parents interact.

638
00:28:31,440 --> 00:28:32,600
Speaker 2: At the youth sports.

639
00:28:32,720 --> 00:28:35,200
Speaker 1: So yeah, we'd love to be able to help any

640
00:28:35,200 --> 00:28:36,520
Speaker 1: parent or organization or.

641
00:28:36,520 --> 00:28:38,480
Speaker 2: Team that I can to just shoot me a DM

642
00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:39,920
Speaker 2: on any of the social channels.

643
00:28:40,800 --> 00:28:43,520
Speaker 3: Be my honor to help Alan Stein Junior, Ladies and gentlemen,

644
00:28:43,560 --> 00:28:44,440
Speaker 3: thank you so much for.

645
00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:47,520
Speaker 4: Hopping on bro. Always a pleasure. Love your passion, love

646
00:28:47,520 --> 00:28:49,520
Speaker 4: your candor, love your energy. Can't thank you enough.

647
00:28:49,560 --> 00:28:51,600
Speaker 2: Man feelings mutu well, I appreciate you. Nick.

648
00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:55,840
Speaker 3: That's Allen Stein, junior author and corporate keynote speaker. Thanks

649
00:28:55,920 --> 00:28:59,400
Speaker 3: for listening to the Reform Sports Project podcast Dominick Bonacort

650
00:28:59,440 --> 00:29:02,040
Speaker 3: and our goal to restore a healthy balance and perspective

651
00:29:02,160 --> 00:29:06,040
Speaker 3: in all areas of sport through education and advocacy. For updates,

652
00:29:06,080 --> 00:29:09,400
Speaker 3: please follow us on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, or check

653
00:29:09,400 --> 00:29:12,160
Speaker 3: out our website by searching for the Reform Sports Project