WEBVTT - Can I Vulnerable? Feat. BJ Williams 0:00:22.440 --> 0:00:23.400 We don't know. 0:00:23.600 --> 0:00:27.520 We've been made up. Same day we a fight of 0:00:27.600 --> 0:00:36.080 my food stay up and I just lay yup. 0:00:37.040 --> 0:00:39.320 It was had buddies passed stuff something. 0:00:40.640 --> 0:00:43.800 Welcome back to good mom's bad choices. I'm Erica and 0:00:43.800 --> 0:00:46.640 I'm Mila. Happy Wednesday, Happy Honday. 0:00:46.800 --> 0:00:49.360 How are you doing? I'm good? How are you? 0:00:50.360 --> 0:00:52.000 I'm good? Wednesday? 0:00:52.960 --> 0:01:02.160 Now on the last am I driven. 0:01:04.400 --> 0:01:08.560 The whole Tuesday thinking it was Wednesday, Tuesday. 0:01:08.360 --> 0:01:13.160 Basically over It's Wednesday, so it's actually Tuesday. 0:01:13.400 --> 0:01:13.880 You will hear this. 0:01:14.240 --> 0:01:16.679 It's Wednesday people usually it's. 0:01:20.160 --> 0:01:22.800 Well. Now you know. We have a special guest today. 0:01:23.360 --> 0:01:25.040 We have Beja here. 0:01:25.400 --> 0:01:28.000 Hello everybody, thank you for joining us, for having me. 0:01:29.400 --> 0:01:32.360 You were connected to us through a mutual friend. Shout 0:01:32.360 --> 0:01:33.640 out to Brandon. 0:01:33.360 --> 0:01:36.080 Esb appreciate your brother may Anisa. 0:01:35.720 --> 0:01:37.600 Espy, who is one of my best friends. 0:01:37.720 --> 0:01:42.440 There also are attentative video editors, photographer, event planning crew 0:01:43.240 --> 0:01:45.880 and consultants. 0:01:45.920 --> 0:01:49.480 The cutest couple of all time and the cutest baby makers. 0:01:49.160 --> 0:01:49.720 Of all times. 0:01:49.760 --> 0:01:54.080 True, I am I'm very popular. 0:01:54.280 --> 0:01:58.200 I don't get that under control. But Bja, thank you 0:01:58.200 --> 0:02:00.880 for joining us. Your last name is Williams. 0:02:00.920 --> 0:02:01.800 Williams J. 0:02:01.960 --> 0:02:02.480 Williams. 0:02:03.840 --> 0:02:05.320 So can you tell us a little. 0:02:05.160 --> 0:02:08.440 Bit about you and what you're doing? 0:02:08.800 --> 0:02:12.359 Who you are? Who am I? 0:02:12.480 --> 0:02:12.679 Damn? 0:02:13.200 --> 0:02:14.320 A man with a deep voice? 0:02:14.440 --> 0:02:18.040 Yeah, remind me to speak up because my voice is 0:02:18.080 --> 0:02:19.440 deep and I'm normally just like lo. 0:02:20.400 --> 0:02:22.440 Okay, Well, this mike's pretty good and you're pretty sitting pretty. 0:02:22.639 --> 0:02:25.000 So if you guys can't hear me, just turn your 0:02:25.120 --> 0:02:26.840 volumes up real very one. 0:02:28.280 --> 0:02:28.600 Speech. 0:02:28.720 --> 0:02:30.639 You can't hear you. 0:02:30.720 --> 0:02:33.320 Speakers up, ladies, you can you see that sex me 0:02:33.360 --> 0:02:37.480 one time? Everybody's attention. All the ladies listening right now? 0:02:37.760 --> 0:02:44.760 Who ladies, turn your volumes up. I don't even know 0:02:44.800 --> 0:02:45.160 if that was. 0:02:47.360 --> 0:02:48.720 We're gonna use that for all the dry. 0:02:51.120 --> 0:02:56.119 Who am I? Damn? Well, I'm here. I think I'm 0:02:56.120 --> 0:02:59.400 here because I started a document series called Can I 0:02:59.480 --> 0:03:02.840 Be Vulnerable. It's a this is a video series where 0:03:02.840 --> 0:03:05.240 black men open up to the world with the vulnerabilities. 0:03:05.280 --> 0:03:08.200 There wants, fears, they're all that kind of stuff. That's 0:03:08.360 --> 0:03:13.560 basically it. Other than that, though, shit, I'm in entertainment. 0:03:13.760 --> 0:03:15.280 You know a model I act. I've been doing that 0:03:15.400 --> 0:03:18.400 for almost a decade now as well. I've been a 0:03:18.440 --> 0:03:20.640 teacher for like eleven years as well, so I do 0:03:20.720 --> 0:03:22.480 both a former athlete. 0:03:22.639 --> 0:03:25.040 I do a little thing here and there, Papa, your dad, 0:03:25.200 --> 0:03:25.840 I'm a father. 0:03:26.160 --> 0:03:28.480 Yeah, I gotta. I call him my baby. Even though 0:03:28.520 --> 0:03:30.960 he's sixteen, I still call him my baby. So there's that. 0:03:31.160 --> 0:03:33.320 Yeah, does he Is he still fucking with you? Or 0:03:33.320 --> 0:03:36.080 are you like annoying? Or is that only happened to moms. 0:03:36.840 --> 0:03:37.840 Yeah, that's a good question. 0:03:37.920 --> 0:03:40.920 No, my son is very much like I has. My 0:03:41.000 --> 0:03:44.480 demeanor is very laid back to so I don't have 0:03:44.560 --> 0:03:49.120 those kind of problems. And with kids getting older, my 0:03:49.120 --> 0:03:51.040 my concern is now is him out in the world. 0:03:52.200 --> 0:03:54.600 It's the things that I can't control that worry me. 0:03:54.840 --> 0:03:56.920 I'm not worried about my son. He's very well behaved, 0:03:57.440 --> 0:04:02.840 very respectful, loves people. But like what the world can 0:04:02.840 --> 0:04:04.640 do to him is what now scares me. And there's 0:04:04.640 --> 0:04:06.320 nothing I can do about that, you know what I mean? 0:04:07.320 --> 0:04:09.440 Have you had to have that talk with him? We 0:04:09.520 --> 0:04:10.600 have to talk all the time. 0:04:10.880 --> 0:04:12.040 But like, when did that happen? 0:04:12.160 --> 0:04:14.840 Was it like like the time I'm talking about is 0:04:14.880 --> 0:04:16.839 like being a black man in America? 0:04:17.000 --> 0:04:23.599 That one? Oh no, No. So We've had this talking 0:04:24.000 --> 0:04:27.279 a number of times with I think the very first 0:04:27.320 --> 0:04:29.479 time we actually sat down and had a really serious 0:04:29.480 --> 0:04:35.120 one was Trayvon Martin, and that was one of the 0:04:35.200 --> 0:04:37.359 first times I can remember as a father where I 0:04:37.480 --> 0:04:42.359 was like, fuck, I can't I can't protect him from everything, 0:04:44.960 --> 0:04:46.560 And I honestly didn't even know how to have that 0:04:46.600 --> 0:04:48.960 full conversation with him. I called my dad and it 0:04:49.080 --> 0:04:51.440 was like, you know, I can cuss on here, right, 0:04:52.400 --> 0:04:59.360 have you heard? Yeah, so make sure my manager. It 0:04:59.400 --> 0:05:01.080 was the first time, like I didn't know what to 0:05:01.120 --> 0:05:03.840 say to him. And I called my dad and honestly, 0:05:04.040 --> 0:05:06.400 I don't remember my father having that conversation with me, 0:05:06.560 --> 0:05:09.360 but not like a sit down and be let me 0:05:09.400 --> 0:05:11.680 tell you about being a black man an It was yeah, 0:05:11.680 --> 0:05:13.760 we would just it would be in small talks just 0:05:13.800 --> 0:05:17.279 through life, right, But this particular incident happened and my 0:05:17.320 --> 0:05:19.400 son asked me, like, you know, you just asked me 0:05:19.400 --> 0:05:20.839 about it. I was like, shit, I don't even know what 0:05:20.839 --> 0:05:23.279 to say to you right now. So I called my 0:05:23.400 --> 0:05:26.839 dad and he kind of just really gave me a 0:05:26.880 --> 0:05:30.120 pep talk about, you know, just being a black man 0:05:30.160 --> 0:05:32.080 in America, not necessarily what to say to my son. 0:05:32.760 --> 0:05:36.599 Ever since then, we've always you know, we had a 0:05:36.600 --> 0:05:39.400 conversation about it or whatever I told him about the 0:05:39.480 --> 0:05:43.440 laws is why he was able to get off the 0:05:43.480 --> 0:05:44.960 stuff like that. And I told him, like, to be 0:05:45.000 --> 0:05:47.520 honest with your kid, like, you know, your father's job 0:05:47.560 --> 0:05:50.080 is to protect you from everything, and I can't. And 0:05:50.120 --> 0:05:53.360 I said, for me, that's terrifying because you know, baby, like, 0:05:53.360 --> 0:05:55.200 you're supposed to outlive me, and if there at any 0:05:55.240 --> 0:05:58.960 point you don't, well, shit, dad might have to go 0:05:59.040 --> 0:06:00.800 right there with you, you know what I mean. But I 0:06:00.880 --> 0:06:03.800 told him that it is also my job as a 0:06:03.880 --> 0:06:08.800 parent to do the small things vote you know, have 0:06:08.880 --> 0:06:11.840 conversations with other adults, make sure that I am setting 0:06:11.839 --> 0:06:14.240 an example, and if something goes wrong that I fight 0:06:14.320 --> 0:06:15.920 for that, you know what I mean. That's how I 0:06:15.960 --> 0:06:18.880 can protect my son, not necessarily by hoarding him and 0:06:18.920 --> 0:06:20.680 keeping them doors, but by going out in the world 0:06:20.680 --> 0:06:24.239 and making the world better for him. So you trust 0:06:24.320 --> 0:06:24.840 d to do that. 0:06:24.960 --> 0:06:30.440 But it's only just me, right, are you the mom 0:06:30.520 --> 0:06:31.320 or your single parent? 0:06:31.560 --> 0:06:33.320 Single parent? Me and his mother are best friends. So 0:06:33.360 --> 0:06:36.440 that's my that's my girl. We were never together. We 0:06:36.520 --> 0:06:38.359 just my son was an accident. 0:06:40.120 --> 0:06:40.840 That's a funny list. 0:06:40.920 --> 0:06:43.200 You're the second guy who's coming on this show, and 0:06:43.240 --> 0:06:46.200 I was like, no, we were never together. 0:06:46.400 --> 0:06:49.320 Was never supposed to that night wasn't even supposed to happen. 0:06:49.440 --> 0:06:50.960 It was one of those wake up and like we 0:06:51.000 --> 0:06:52.440 would never speak about this ever again. 0:06:52.680 --> 0:06:54.760 Really wait, so you guys are just cool, cool, cool friends, 0:06:54.839 --> 0:06:57.679 best friends. I've been middle school like drunken, slept together, 0:06:58.080 --> 0:06:58.760 she got partnered. 0:06:59.000 --> 0:07:00.120 That was like the only time to get that. 0:07:00.120 --> 0:07:01.880 Ever was left again game with pulling and hennessy and 0:07:01.880 --> 0:07:02.360 that was it. 0:07:02.880 --> 0:07:05.400 Oh she didn't have Has it taken time to get 0:07:05.440 --> 0:07:06.840 to this point or No. 0:07:06.800 --> 0:07:08.960 We've always been that's amazing. We've always been tired. We've 0:07:08.960 --> 0:07:13.920 had one falling out and and honestly, I still don't 0:07:14.000 --> 0:07:18.320 really know the why behind it. I know the incident 0:07:18.360 --> 0:07:20.760 of where, but it wasn't that it was something else 0:07:21.720 --> 0:07:24.360 and we didn't speak for like two years, but that 0:07:24.800 --> 0:07:27.560 it didn't really impact my son, like nothing like that. 0:07:27.720 --> 0:07:31.040 But we had one one falling out and this one day, 0:07:31.200 --> 0:07:33.920 my son's basketball game, she just came up to me 0:07:33.960 --> 0:07:35.840 and gave me a huggin. We was just backbrocking again, 0:07:35.880 --> 0:07:38.080 like we never left. But she's married, you know, a 0:07:38.120 --> 0:07:40.520 few other kids and shit. So that's my girl, that's 0:07:40.560 --> 0:07:43.240 my age. That's amazing. That's my girl right there. We're good. 0:07:43.640 --> 0:07:44.280 What's your son? 0:07:44.720 --> 0:07:45.720 Believer M. 0:07:49.400 --> 0:07:51.280 Triggered her baby. 0:07:51.080 --> 0:07:56.720 Daddy October fourteenth. I don't know what none of this 0:07:56.760 --> 0:07:57.240 shit means. 0:07:58.760 --> 0:08:00.760 I didn't know if I was balance made with balance 0:08:00.800 --> 0:08:04.160 with libras. It's either like it could be black or white. 0:08:04.240 --> 0:08:06.320 It could be like either really good or really bad. 0:08:07.120 --> 0:08:10.680 A man for you for me? Yeah, it's not in general. 0:08:11.120 --> 0:08:11.960 Don't scare our guests. 0:08:12.000 --> 0:08:15.640 No, I'm sorry my with my fake ass ostrological reading 0:08:16.080 --> 0:08:21.200 October fourteenth, I know about full other people with that birthday. 0:08:21.200 --> 0:08:26.120 And wait, so after you had your son, even though 0:08:26.120 --> 0:08:28.240 you guys had already been friends and you know, or 0:08:28.480 --> 0:08:30.320 were close, did you ever try to date or be 0:08:30.440 --> 0:08:33.080 romantic because you had a son or you guys. 0:08:32.840 --> 0:08:33.680 Never forced that part. 0:08:33.800 --> 0:08:34.760 No, we never forced it. 0:08:34.840 --> 0:08:35.920 Oh that's healthy. 0:08:36.200 --> 0:08:38.400 We never forced it. You guys seem very healthy. 0:08:38.559 --> 0:08:41.840 I know, wow, very Yeah, that's beautiful. 0:08:42.480 --> 0:08:46.360 It's very rare that had and I was leaving for college. 0:08:46.360 --> 0:08:48.480 Oh yeah, you said you're eighteen school. 0:08:48.640 --> 0:08:50.160 I graduated from Washington. 0:08:49.800 --> 0:08:51.920 State, okay, and then you came back. 0:08:52.360 --> 0:08:53.960 Yeah, I'm from Las Vegas originally. 0:08:54.520 --> 0:08:57.400 Not many people I meet from laws and raised Vegas. 0:08:57.360 --> 0:09:00.360 But you know, La is right next door. The was 0:09:00.400 --> 0:09:03.240 raised out here, so I've been in La all the time. 0:09:03.400 --> 0:09:05.240 I would come for summers, you know, as a kid 0:09:05.720 --> 0:09:08.640 up and all that stuff. So I'm very familiar with well, 0:09:08.720 --> 0:09:11.520 not one of those transplants. I'm very familiar with the 0:09:11.559 --> 0:09:14.680 free rays. Before y'all was You're not. 0:09:14.559 --> 0:09:16.600 The same as a trans Now that makes sense. 0:09:17.280 --> 0:09:20.520 Is your girlfriend, I mean your girlfriend, your son's mom 0:09:20.600 --> 0:09:21.120 from Vegas? 0:09:21.160 --> 0:09:24.559 Too interesting? 0:09:25.240 --> 0:09:29.199 So you have a son, you're doing this work. How 0:09:29.559 --> 0:09:32.439 can you talk about how you started to why you started? 0:09:32.480 --> 0:09:35.880 I can't be I can't be vulnerable. 0:09:36.000 --> 0:09:36.800 Can I be vulnerable? 0:09:36.840 --> 0:09:37.040 Yeah? 0:09:37.160 --> 0:09:40.080 Can I be vulnerable? Came up because I go to 0:09:40.120 --> 0:09:45.840 therapy and I wanted to find a way to talk 0:09:45.880 --> 0:09:49.000 about my journey to therapy. And it just came to 0:09:49.040 --> 0:09:51.160 me one day. I was on vacation and just the 0:09:51.280 --> 0:09:53.320 term cannot be vulnerable just popped in my head. I 0:09:53.360 --> 0:09:56.120 was just on the beach and it just kind of 0:09:56.120 --> 0:09:58.360 just hit me that way. So I got back maybe 0:09:58.360 --> 0:10:00.920 like a week later. I had another good friend of mine, 0:10:00.920 --> 0:10:03.120 Brandon Thomas. He does all the editing for the videos, 0:10:03.840 --> 0:10:05.240 and I just called him like, yeah, I know what 0:10:05.240 --> 0:10:06.960 I want to do and he came through. We filmed 0:10:06.960 --> 0:10:07.800 it in my backyard. 0:10:08.920 --> 0:10:10.360 But what led you to this? 0:10:10.679 --> 0:10:13.840 Like what led you to your therapy journey? And wanting 0:10:13.880 --> 0:10:14.760 to share that. 0:10:14.679 --> 0:10:20.200 With you, know, with you, I'm one of those people 0:10:20.240 --> 0:10:22.800 that I have to do something. I'm gonna call it dramatic, 0:10:23.280 --> 0:10:25.880 but in order for me to because it was another 0:10:25.920 --> 0:10:28.240 part of my healing process, right, So I was like, 0:10:28.520 --> 0:10:30.400 and then another thing was is like, why am I 0:10:30.440 --> 0:10:32.560 suffering in silence? I talked to a lot of people, 0:10:32.600 --> 0:10:34.760 I have students, I heard their stories all the time. 0:10:35.120 --> 0:10:36.520 You know, a lot of people call me up with 0:10:36.520 --> 0:10:40.559 their problems, but it always seems like we all suffering silence. 0:10:40.600 --> 0:10:42.960 So I was thinking, like, just let me just put 0:10:42.960 --> 0:10:46.040 this shit out there and hopefully it helps. What were 0:10:46.040 --> 0:10:46.880 you suffering from? 0:10:47.640 --> 0:10:47.760 Uh? 0:10:48.440 --> 0:10:51.439 With putting me in therapy? Is my brother committed suicide 0:10:52.240 --> 0:10:58.760 And obviously that's devastating in itself. He's older. Make it 0:10:58.800 --> 0:11:01.960 more significant is that I was the one at the time. 0:11:02.000 --> 0:11:03.680 I felt like I failed him because I was the 0:11:03.720 --> 0:11:06.560 one on the phone with him trying to solve this problem. 0:11:07.600 --> 0:11:10.240 We're on the phone as he's tripping. How old were 0:11:10.240 --> 0:11:15.160 you when this happened? And so so not long ago. 0:11:15.400 --> 0:11:18.439 This is now five years ago. It was twenty fourteen, 0:11:18.720 --> 0:11:21.959 and so I was the one that everybody called and said, 0:11:22.120 --> 0:11:24.240 solved this problem, like your brother's trip and what's going 0:11:24.280 --> 0:11:26.200 on with him? You know, the cops called me, they 0:11:26.200 --> 0:11:29.360 were trying to get me to find his location. His 0:11:29.520 --> 0:11:31.760 fiance at the time was calling. You know, the whole 0:11:31.760 --> 0:11:34.000 family were calling me like hey, you know what's going on, 0:11:34.040 --> 0:11:37.240 and like get him? And I did, Like i've at 0:11:37.240 --> 0:11:39.600 the time, I took the blame, like this is my 0:11:39.679 --> 0:11:42.800 fault that I failed the family and myself. So that's 0:11:42.840 --> 0:11:47.199 what was my That was what set me over the edge, right, 0:11:48.120 --> 0:11:50.839 But you know there's a bunch of things behind. You 0:11:50.880 --> 0:11:52.640 knew my mom died when I was sixteen. You know 0:11:52.679 --> 0:11:55.160 that's another loss. But I in my video, I say 0:11:55.320 --> 0:11:57.520 I've had a funeral to go to every year since 0:11:57.640 --> 0:12:02.320 like nineteen ninety eight, even prior to that. Like my 0:12:02.400 --> 0:12:04.480 life with death is wild, you know what I mean, 0:12:04.640 --> 0:12:07.599 especially because I don't live by them lifestyle. So you know, 0:12:07.640 --> 0:12:10.000 at one point Mike's girlfriend was like, yo, that's like 0:12:10.120 --> 0:12:13.840 follows you because it would be for a while, I 0:12:13.840 --> 0:12:15.720 would wake up every day and look at my phone 0:12:15.760 --> 0:12:18.800 and be like somebody died, and then I would just 0:12:18.840 --> 0:12:20.000 feel like and it would. 0:12:19.840 --> 0:12:22.400 Just it wouldn't be like gang violence or like, it 0:12:22.440 --> 0:12:26.080 would just be it's normal not normal life. 0:12:27.679 --> 0:12:29.480 Yeah, and I'm like, you gotta be kidnaping. 0:12:29.559 --> 0:12:34.360 So it's funny. We had another guest on Natasha and 0:12:34.440 --> 0:12:40.439 she suicide follows her. She's been witnessed to many suicide, 0:12:40.520 --> 0:12:41.760 like like three or four. 0:12:42.120 --> 0:12:44.120 I've had a few friends commits. 0:12:43.720 --> 0:12:45.720 More than three or four, like five or six. 0:12:46.000 --> 0:12:50.000 Yeah, a few of them commits suicide. One was accidental. Yeah, 0:12:50.040 --> 0:12:51.280 there's a word purposeful. 0:12:51.520 --> 0:12:54.559 I have like four is it suicide if it's accidental, 0:12:55.480 --> 0:12:58.520 if you do it yourself? I think it's like, man, 0:12:58.720 --> 0:12:59.320 I'm gonna call it. 0:13:01.040 --> 0:13:03.920 I'm not sure if there is a term. 0:13:03.960 --> 0:13:04.320 I don't know. 0:13:05.040 --> 0:13:07.679 Why did you ever think like why is it that 0:13:07.679 --> 0:13:11.640 that death seems to follow you? Because it's funny because 0:13:12.360 --> 0:13:14.320 I've met a few people like this. I like, I 0:13:14.360 --> 0:13:16.880 have one person in particular, my baby daddy, who that 0:13:17.000 --> 0:13:19.679 seems to follow around too. But that's more so because 0:13:19.720 --> 0:13:22.600 he's been associated with like gangs this whole life. 0:13:22.679 --> 0:13:27.440 And you know, I can understand. Or if you've been 0:13:27.480 --> 0:13:28.560 to war, that's. 0:13:28.440 --> 0:13:31.959 Another that's a lifestyle, but he sometimes asked himself like why, 0:13:32.080 --> 0:13:37.719 and I'm like, what do you mean why? Whereas like 0:13:37.840 --> 0:13:41.839 for Natasha, she thinks that she committed suicide in the 0:13:41.880 --> 0:13:44.520 past life. So I don't know if, like if you've 0:13:44.600 --> 0:13:47.520 just had to search spiritually to try to reason why, 0:13:47.720 --> 0:13:50.319 or if it's just this is just how the world 0:13:50.360 --> 0:13:51.240 works in your world. 0:13:51.360 --> 0:13:53.599 I haven't gotten that deep, but at this point is 0:13:54.000 --> 0:13:56.079 how my world has worked, and it may. 0:13:55.920 --> 0:13:59.720 It may even be because again with my my psychic 0:13:59.720 --> 0:14:01.280 reading abilities. 0:14:02.240 --> 0:14:04.000 By expertise and light psychic creating. 0:14:04.040 --> 0:14:07.520 It maybe because this is very well the platform you know, 0:14:07.600 --> 0:14:12.000 you were supposed to be supposed to create, and and 0:14:12.200 --> 0:14:13.199 you have a calling. 0:14:12.920 --> 0:14:15.880 Obviously, you know, i'd be right. I don't know, because I. 0:14:15.840 --> 0:14:19.680 Believe everybody gets only what they can handle, and you know, 0:14:19.720 --> 0:14:22.120 who knows what the purpose is behind those there's always 0:14:22.120 --> 0:14:27.000 something bigger, I'd like to believe, And obviously in our community, 0:14:27.320 --> 0:14:30.400 particularly like black men have a hard time being vulnerable, 0:14:30.800 --> 0:14:34.560 being expressive, being emotional, and like a lot of times 0:14:34.600 --> 0:14:37.680 for us it's like you being a little bitch, you know, 0:14:37.760 --> 0:14:38.920 like that's I mean. 0:14:39.000 --> 0:14:41.200 That's harsh, but that's what people say. I've heard I've 0:14:41.200 --> 0:14:43.200 heard men sit into their like four year olds. I'm like, 0:14:43.280 --> 0:14:44.040 what the fuck? 0:14:45.080 --> 0:14:47.600 And you being a you know, obviously your your dad's 0:14:47.600 --> 0:14:49.000 president in your life. You can pick up the phone 0:14:49.000 --> 0:14:50.800 and call him, and your president in your son's life, 0:14:50.800 --> 0:14:54.520 and what do you think as a father, and you know, 0:14:54.640 --> 0:14:58.280 being fathered, we could do to like change that that 0:14:58.680 --> 0:15:02.200 perspective with our boys. It is like starting young until adulthood. 0:15:02.240 --> 0:15:03.600 That will change that a little bit. 0:15:04.680 --> 0:15:07.560 Give them permission to be vulnerable. So don't tell them 0:15:07.560 --> 0:15:11.520 the man not don't tell them you're acting like a bitch. Also, 0:15:11.720 --> 0:15:14.480 we can take the initiatives ourselves. And I'm talking like 0:15:14.640 --> 0:15:18.520 because kids are already emotionally, they have no problems at 0:15:18.560 --> 0:15:20.560 all emoting whatever they're feeling. They'll tell you if they 0:15:20.600 --> 0:15:22.960 don't like you, if they're sad. They have zero problems. 0:15:23.080 --> 0:15:25.680 Is when the adults come in and say stop doing 0:15:25.760 --> 0:15:28.360 this is when you now learn what you can and 0:15:28.440 --> 0:15:30.840 can't do. And the only emotions we allow for young 0:15:30.880 --> 0:15:34.400 men boys is anger and like joy. So if you 0:15:34.400 --> 0:15:36.200 see him laughing, obviously going to let them do that 0:15:36.320 --> 0:15:38.280 and then anger because that's just what you feel like 0:15:38.280 --> 0:15:41.360 we're supposed to do. So give them permission to do 0:15:41.400 --> 0:15:46.840 so is one and for people that are established teams enough, 0:15:47.200 --> 0:15:50.040 take your own initiative, take permission, like give yourself permission 0:15:50.080 --> 0:15:53.479 to be open and vulnerable and be and be emotional 0:15:54.280 --> 0:15:58.200 and at the end of the day, just have safe 0:15:58.200 --> 0:16:01.720 spaces for you, you know what I mean? Or now 0:16:01.760 --> 0:16:06.800 with CIBV being a full initiative platform, whatever you want 0:16:06.800 --> 0:16:09.000 to call it, those are some of our goals that 0:16:09.040 --> 0:16:12.440 we want to I just want to normalize that men 0:16:12.560 --> 0:16:13.840 are emotional. 0:16:13.440 --> 0:16:16.560 Like you're human, We go through ship, we cry yea. 0:16:17.440 --> 0:16:20.080 Growing up, were you given permission like what was. 0:16:20.040 --> 0:16:24.360 Your what was your relationships? My mother used to always 0:16:24.400 --> 0:16:26.280 tell My mother suffered from depression as well, and she 0:16:26.320 --> 0:16:28.760 used to always say be strong. But she never told 0:16:28.760 --> 0:16:30.320 me what the hell that meant. I don't know what 0:16:30.600 --> 0:16:33.400 she means. She would be breakdown crying and she would 0:16:33.400 --> 0:16:36.440 just stay stay stay strong. I don't know, I love it. 0:16:37.600 --> 0:16:40.560 I don't know what this means. But they never if 0:16:40.560 --> 0:16:42.600 I would cry for something, they would never like stop 0:16:42.640 --> 0:16:44.520 crying or unless they would whoop and me like I'll 0:16:44.560 --> 0:16:50.320 give you something cry. They never you know, stiphen what 0:16:50.360 --> 0:16:54.080 I was doing. But they, specifically for my father, he 0:16:54.120 --> 0:16:56.960 always told me crying was okay, but he never ever 0:16:56.960 --> 0:16:59.200 seen your dad cry, or I've seen my father cry. 0:16:59.680 --> 0:17:01.720 The first some I saw my father cried was just 0:17:01.760 --> 0:17:04.200 when his mom died. I was three. We went to 0:17:04.280 --> 0:17:06.760 the funeral. Man, I'm three. I don't really understand the 0:17:06.760 --> 0:17:09.199 fact that you remember that. I remember. I remember certain aspects. 0:17:09.800 --> 0:17:13.400 My father was raised in Philly, and I remember my parents. Yeah. 0:17:13.600 --> 0:17:16.560 I remember being like patches of snow. I remember the 0:17:16.560 --> 0:17:20.679 squirrel coming down from a telephone pole. I remember walking 0:17:20.720 --> 0:17:22.880 into I'm gonna call at the funeral home. I don't 0:17:22.880 --> 0:17:24.960 even know where at church, I don't know where we were. 0:17:25.320 --> 0:17:28.520 I remember holding my mom's hand walking to the casket. 0:17:28.760 --> 0:17:31.280 She picked me up, gave me to my father, and 0:17:31.520 --> 0:17:33.000 he kissed me, and then he put me down, and 0:17:33.080 --> 0:17:35.320 I just saw tears coming. That's all I remember about 0:17:35.320 --> 0:17:39.080 that whole trip. That was the first time when you 0:17:39.119 --> 0:17:41.720 told me my mom died. That was the second time. 0:17:41.720 --> 0:17:43.880 Were they married at the time, No, No, they weren't. 0:17:43.960 --> 0:17:46.320 They got divorced. I was like ten, But they had 0:17:46.400 --> 0:17:48.320 known each other as they were kids, you know, Like, 0:17:48.400 --> 0:17:51.280 so that's a lifelong love, you know what I mean? 0:17:51.359 --> 0:17:53.800 Well, married or not married? 0:17:52.240 --> 0:17:56.600 Who but like you know they My dad was seven, 0:17:56.720 --> 0:17:58.640 my mom was five when they met for the first time, 0:17:59.160 --> 0:18:01.359 and so he had no you know, you guys are 0:18:01.960 --> 0:18:04.520 lifelong friends, whether or not the marriage worked or not. 0:18:04.840 --> 0:18:07.840 So not only did you lose you know, the mother, 0:18:08.320 --> 0:18:10.800 you know, your son's mother, but he lost a friend 0:18:11.240 --> 0:18:14.280 next wife. So uh, he cried then and then when 0:18:14.280 --> 0:18:16.240 I graduated high school in college, so those were tears 0:18:16.280 --> 0:18:16.640 of joy. 0:18:16.800 --> 0:18:17.480 Mm. 0:18:17.480 --> 0:18:21.399 Other than that, my father's extremely quiet, m very quiet, 0:18:21.480 --> 0:18:23.960 very reserved. If you speak to him, will speak, But 0:18:24.000 --> 0:18:26.719 my father's very reserved. He doesn't. He doesn't speak much 0:18:26.720 --> 0:18:26.960 a though. 0:18:27.680 --> 0:18:29.359 So would you say he's a vulnerable person. 0:18:29.680 --> 0:18:34.439 Hell no, Okay, my father is very You wouldn't know 0:18:34.480 --> 0:18:36.760 he was. It's hard to tell him if he's angry 0:18:36.880 --> 0:18:38.480 like you just you just want to know. He suppressed 0:18:38.480 --> 0:18:40.879 a lot of shit. So one of my goals is 0:18:40.880 --> 0:18:43.000 to get him in the theory when this niggas stubborn. 0:18:44.160 --> 0:18:45.520 What does he think about your journey? 0:18:45.760 --> 0:18:47.679 And like does he I mean, I'm sure, does does 0:18:47.720 --> 0:18:49.520 he support it or does he understand it? 0:18:49.760 --> 0:18:54.120 Over joy like he is. You can hear this voice 0:18:54.119 --> 0:18:57.199 when he speaks like he's definitely hype proud and all 0:18:57.280 --> 0:18:58.119 that shit, I hear it. 0:18:58.680 --> 0:19:01.520 Do you think that not being able to be vulnerable? 0:19:02.119 --> 0:19:04.359 I mean, I don't know what what why your brother 0:19:04.400 --> 0:19:06.080 committed suicide, and I don't even know if you want 0:19:06.080 --> 0:19:08.640 to share that, but I think not being vulnerable played 0:19:08.640 --> 0:19:10.240 a part in that, like him not being able to 0:19:10.240 --> 0:19:12.320 express his feelings or not knowing how to. 0:19:12.280 --> 0:19:12.800 Deal with them. 0:19:12.840 --> 0:19:15.080 The funny thing about suicides is designs are always there. 0:19:15.160 --> 0:19:16.280 We just don't pay attention to him. 0:19:16.359 --> 0:19:16.439 Right. 0:19:16.720 --> 0:19:20.400 So, ten years prior, my brother had a stroke and 0:19:21.160 --> 0:19:23.280