WEBVTT - 5 Boundaries to Set in Relationships & 3 Ways to Use Them Effectively 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:02.520 The Vaders say, when you protect your purpose, your purpose 0:00:02.560 --> 0:00:05.200 protects you. Most of us don't protect our purpose. We 0:00:05.320 --> 0:00:14.800 give it away for a person. Hey everyone, welcome back 0:00:14.840 --> 0:00:18.200 to Our Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. 0:00:18.280 --> 0:00:20.400 Thanks to each and every one of you that come 0:00:20.440 --> 0:00:24.799 back every week to become happier, healthier, and more healed. 0:00:25.280 --> 0:00:28.960 I'm committed to those three things in my life, and 0:00:29.080 --> 0:00:32.640 I'm so grateful that you're committed to them too. I 0:00:32.680 --> 0:00:37.400 have been loving the stories on Instagram, the post on TikTok, 0:00:37.479 --> 0:00:40.240 so many of you are clipping the video episode off 0:00:40.240 --> 0:00:42.960 of YouTube. And I also want to thank you for 0:00:43.040 --> 0:00:46.199 all the incredible preorders we've had. We've had thousands of 0:00:46.280 --> 0:00:49.960 pre orders for eight Rules of Love, my new book, 0:00:50.080 --> 0:00:55.120 which is all about love and relationships and connection, about 0:00:55.200 --> 0:00:59.680 chemistry and compatibility. And if you haven't ordered it already, 0:00:59.720 --> 0:01:02.440 it mean the world to me. If you had to 0:01:02.600 --> 0:01:06.240 eight Rules of Love dot com and pre order the 0:01:06.280 --> 0:01:09.560 book because it makes a huge difference to authors, I 0:01:09.560 --> 0:01:14.400 would deeply, deeply appreciate it. And today's session is all 0:01:14.440 --> 0:01:19.760 about setting boundaries in relationships. Now, I just want to 0:01:19.760 --> 0:01:22.760 get a show of hands. How many of you struggle 0:01:23.600 --> 0:01:28.480 or have struggled in the past to set boundaries in relationships. 0:01:28.680 --> 0:01:31.480 Raise your hand right now and as you're driving, not 0:01:32.160 --> 0:01:35.880 wherever you are right now, right I'm guessing it's a 0:01:35.880 --> 0:01:39.160 lot of us. How many of you have said yes 0:01:39.959 --> 0:01:43.759 when you actually wanted to say no? You said yes 0:01:43.800 --> 0:01:47.319 to your partner. You're in people pleasing mode. You're in 0:01:47.360 --> 0:01:49.880 that phase where you just thought, oh, well, they'll like 0:01:50.080 --> 0:01:54.360 me more if I say yes, they'll keep me around. 0:01:54.400 --> 0:01:58.360 This won't end this way, they'll really be attracted to me. 0:01:58.400 --> 0:02:01.000 I'll just say yes even when I really don't feel 0:02:01.000 --> 0:02:05.800 comfortable doing whatever it is I'm going to see a yes. 0:02:06.200 --> 0:02:10.799 I want to avoid tension. I want to avoid stress, pressure, 0:02:11.200 --> 0:02:15.480 or conflict, and so I will go against my natural 0:02:15.720 --> 0:02:19.480 inclination and intuition to do something I don't want to 0:02:19.520 --> 0:02:23.280 do now. The opposite can also be true as a 0:02:23.280 --> 0:02:26.800 sign of not setting a healthy boundary. How many of 0:02:26.840 --> 0:02:32.639 you have said no when you actually want to say yes? Now? 0:02:32.800 --> 0:02:40.120 This is an interesting one because you're again maybe potentially 0:02:40.240 --> 0:02:44.000 acting out of a place of making the other person 0:02:44.040 --> 0:02:46.560 feel uncomfortable, making the other person work hard, making the 0:02:46.600 --> 0:02:50.120 other person feel like they're not ready yet, they're not 0:02:50.280 --> 0:02:54.840 valued yet. You're playing a game potentially. And again remember 0:02:54.880 --> 0:02:57.480 I'm saying it's you're saying no when you want to 0:02:57.520 --> 0:03:01.400 say yes. So there's a misaligned in where you are. 0:03:02.080 --> 0:03:06.200 Another way that we've all experienced or made the mistake 0:03:06.280 --> 0:03:10.680 of not setting boundaries is that we've expected our partners 0:03:10.919 --> 0:03:13.560 to know what we're thinking, to know what we want. 0:03:13.639 --> 0:03:16.720 We have not expressed what we would like. We have 0:03:16.880 --> 0:03:20.400 not been clear about what we would like, and we 0:03:20.520 --> 0:03:26.079 just expect them to know. Another way that I think 0:03:26.120 --> 0:03:28.640 a lot of people. My friend was just telling me 0:03:28.720 --> 0:03:32.560 this that we're not one of her boyfriend right now. 0:03:33.560 --> 0:03:38.760 He doesn't like it if she's out with her friends 0:03:39.320 --> 0:03:42.440 instead of being with him, even if he's out of 0:03:42.480 --> 0:03:46.800 town or traveling. He expects her to be on the 0:03:46.840 --> 0:03:49.440 phone with him or be connected to him at all 0:03:49.560 --> 0:03:53.440 times and doesn't let her have her own independence or 0:03:53.480 --> 0:03:58.000 have her own life. Now she's struggling to set a boundary. 0:03:58.080 --> 0:04:02.040 There where the boundary years, well, this is my alan time, 0:04:02.080 --> 0:04:04.080 this is my friend time, this is what I want 0:04:04.080 --> 0:04:07.200 to do as well, this is my personal space. And 0:04:07.240 --> 0:04:10.120 so we can start to see that we've caved on 0:04:10.160 --> 0:04:14.520 our boundaries for a long long time. We've made mistakes 0:04:14.600 --> 0:04:18.200 at either not even being aware of our boundaries and 0:04:18.279 --> 0:04:23.560 not even setting our boundaries, let alone expressing them right. 0:04:24.080 --> 0:04:28.400 So this is a three step process. First, we have 0:04:28.440 --> 0:04:32.800 to become aware of what boundaries we want to set, 0:04:33.360 --> 0:04:37.159 and you'll find that fifty percent of the boundaries you 0:04:37.200 --> 0:04:41.920 want to set are because of mistakes in past relationships. 0:04:42.040 --> 0:04:44.960 You crossed the boundary, you broke a boundary of yours 0:04:45.000 --> 0:04:49.000 that you didn't have awareness around. And now what I'd 0:04:49.000 --> 0:04:51.840 like you to do is reflect on some of your 0:04:51.880 --> 0:04:56.000 past relationships. Just like examples I shared a moment ago, 0:04:56.880 --> 0:05:00.800 what were the boundaries that you continue to cross, break 0:05:01.440 --> 0:05:06.599 and not live up to because you weren't aware of them. 0:05:06.720 --> 0:05:09.520 I had an ex girlfriend a long, long time ago, 0:05:10.080 --> 0:05:14.239 and I remember that after we'd go out for some reason, 0:05:15.000 --> 0:05:18.120 even though we had a great night, she'd always be 0:05:18.279 --> 0:05:20.800 upset and she'd go quiet, and then she wouldn't talk 0:05:20.839 --> 0:05:24.040 to me all the way home. And I remember trying 0:05:24.040 --> 0:05:26.000 to figure it out, and I'd be really understanding, and 0:05:26.000 --> 0:05:28.280 i'd be really loving, i'd be really supportive, and I'd 0:05:28.279 --> 0:05:31.400 do this every night we went out. And I always 0:05:31.440 --> 0:05:33.120 thought it was me. I was very young at this time, 0:05:33.160 --> 0:05:36.040 and I thought it was just completely me and I 0:05:36.080 --> 0:05:38.919 gave up the boundary. I was just constantly being a 0:05:39.080 --> 0:05:43.680 supporting person, I was constantly being empathetic, and I crossed 0:05:43.680 --> 0:05:46.120 my boundary where I wasn't having a good night anymore, 0:05:46.560 --> 0:05:49.799 but I was sacrificing having a good night where nothing 0:05:49.839 --> 0:05:53.680 had gone wrong because of how someone was behaving. Right, 0:05:53.720 --> 0:05:58.160 So now I'm aware of that, Right, that's an awareness point. Okay, Jay, 0:05:58.240 --> 0:06:00.880 that's a boundary that you've broken before. Let me think 0:06:00.880 --> 0:06:03.640 of another one. A boundary that I broke before was 0:06:04.440 --> 0:06:08.479 dating someone who always wanted me to travel up to them, 0:06:08.520 --> 0:06:11.240 but never wanted to come down to see me. Right, 0:06:11.279 --> 0:06:14.280 They never wanted to make the effort to travel in 0:06:14.279 --> 0:06:16.559 a long distance relationship to come and see me. Always 0:06:16.560 --> 0:06:19.240 wanted me to see them, and at the time, because 0:06:19.279 --> 0:06:20.840 I was into them, I would do that. I would 0:06:21.240 --> 0:06:23.280 take that long journey, I would make the effort, I 0:06:23.279 --> 0:06:27.159 would spend the money, only to realize that this didn't 0:06:27.160 --> 0:06:31.520 feel fair. Right now, what happens in this scenario, And 0:06:31.600 --> 0:06:34.039 I want you to reflect on your past relationships because 0:06:34.040 --> 0:06:37.120 I promise you it will save you a lot in 0:06:37.160 --> 0:06:40.600 your present relationship and if you have to your future 0:06:40.640 --> 0:06:46.000 relationships now how because what happens is when we're breaking 0:06:46.040 --> 0:06:51.359 our own boundaries, we often blame it on the other person. 0:06:52.040 --> 0:06:54.760 Now we never got the opportunity to blame it on 0:06:55.200 --> 0:07:00.320 our X, but now we blame our current partner. But 0:07:00.560 --> 0:07:04.240 really the challenges we are not aware of our boundaries, 0:07:04.880 --> 0:07:10.720 and so we are shifting our responsibility of that feeling, 0:07:10.800 --> 0:07:13.760 that emotion, how we want to be treated onto the 0:07:13.760 --> 0:07:16.400 other person. So first, I want you to just become 0:07:16.440 --> 0:07:21.960 aware of all your boundaries from the past and maybe 0:07:22.040 --> 0:07:24.400 some new ones that you've developed recently. And I'll be 0:07:24.400 --> 0:07:26.600 telling you the different areas, but I just want you 0:07:26.600 --> 0:07:29.480 to become aware of the ones from the past for now. 0:07:30.160 --> 0:07:33.560 What were boundaries that you broke, Maybe in regards to 0:07:34.640 --> 0:07:38.840 how you are spoken to, maybe in regards to how 0:07:38.920 --> 0:07:42.360 people talk to you and communicated with you. Maybe it 0:07:42.440 --> 0:07:45.240 was boundaries about what you were willing to do, your 0:07:45.280 --> 0:07:48.720 physical boundaries. What were things in the past that you 0:07:48.840 --> 0:07:53.240 know you've broken that need to be mended. So I 0:07:53.280 --> 0:07:57.800 want you to become aware first. Once you're aware of 0:07:57.800 --> 0:08:02.040 your boundaries, you then set them. What I mean by 0:08:02.120 --> 0:08:07.360 set them is that you clarify and articulate to yourself 0:08:08.000 --> 0:08:12.640 what your boundary is, for example, if I don't want 0:08:12.640 --> 0:08:17.080 to do something, I will say no and explain why. 0:08:17.760 --> 0:08:20.240 And I think this is a really important part to 0:08:20.360 --> 0:08:23.600 the boundary that a boundary doesn't just stop at yes 0:08:23.760 --> 0:08:27.040 or no. It has a component to it, which is 0:08:27.280 --> 0:08:32.000 why or how or when or what. It doesn't just 0:08:32.080 --> 0:08:35.640 stop at no, I won't do that. Yes I'll do that, right, Like, 0:08:35.760 --> 0:08:39.559 that's not a boundary. A boundary and a healthy relationship 0:08:40.559 --> 0:08:45.360 is setting a boundary that you know why it exists. So, 0:08:45.960 --> 0:08:49.600 for example, someone I know is aware that in the 0:08:49.679 --> 0:08:54.120 past they have gone to their partner for everything, so 0:08:54.200 --> 0:08:57.560 now they've set a boundary for themselves, which says, hey, 0:08:57.760 --> 0:09:00.840 I know who I go to advice for this thing. Right. 0:09:01.160 --> 0:09:04.040 So that's a great boundary that's been set where it's like, Okay, 0:09:04.080 --> 0:09:07.280 I'm not going to overburden or overwhelm my partner, but 0:09:07.320 --> 0:09:09.760 I know who I go to for this. Let me 0:09:09.800 --> 0:09:14.920 be aware of that, and now let me set that boundary. Right. 0:09:15.400 --> 0:09:18.760 Another boundary that I know someone in my life has 0:09:19.480 --> 0:09:23.160 is their desire to say, well, this is what happened 0:09:23.280 --> 0:09:26.800 before you and so my past. While I'm happy to 0:09:26.840 --> 0:09:29.960 share that with you, I'm not going to be made 0:09:30.000 --> 0:09:32.560 to feel bad about it, or I'm not going to 0:09:32.880 --> 0:09:34.760 be made to feel like I need to change it 0:09:34.880 --> 0:09:37.439 or that I need to become better because of it. 0:09:37.440 --> 0:09:40.160 It's what my past was, and you either accept that 0:09:40.440 --> 0:09:43.000 or you don't. Right, And now they are aware of 0:09:43.040 --> 0:09:46.320 that boundary and they've set that boundary. So after you 0:09:46.400 --> 0:09:48.640 become aware of a boundary, we have to set it 0:09:48.760 --> 0:09:52.600 and articulate it to ourselves and why it exists. So 0:09:52.640 --> 0:09:55.280 you may say, I don't want my past put into 0:09:55.360 --> 0:09:58.880 question because I have left my past behind, I have 0:09:59.040 --> 0:10:02.240 changed my habit, I have grown, and I don't want 0:10:02.280 --> 0:10:07.319 to be reminded of it. Right. Knowing that reasoning is healthy. 0:10:07.720 --> 0:10:12.600 And then the third step is expressing it to your partner. Now, 0:10:13.040 --> 0:10:15.120 this is where a lot of mistakes are made also 0:10:15.760 --> 0:10:20.400 because often the way we express our boundaries is that 0:10:20.480 --> 0:10:26.480 it's done in one of two ways. It's either presented defensively. Right, 0:10:26.640 --> 0:10:28.960 this is my boundary, this is just what I need, Like, 0:10:29.080 --> 0:10:32.440 this is just my way of taking care of myself. 0:10:32.480 --> 0:10:34.760 Like you don't know that, and you don't understand, and 0:10:35.240 --> 0:10:37.920 you know you are always trying to get me to 0:10:37.920 --> 0:10:40.320 break my boundaries. And this is my boundaries. So there's 0:10:40.320 --> 0:10:45.400 a sense of defense. One way of expressing your boundary 0:10:46.120 --> 0:10:49.760 is through defense, and what that does is that it 0:10:49.840 --> 0:10:55.440 assumes that your partner is malicious, controlling, or has that energy, 0:10:55.800 --> 0:10:58.360 and it now makes them feel defensive. So if you 0:10:58.440 --> 0:11:02.800 communicate something through the method of defense, it makes them 0:11:02.840 --> 0:11:05.560 feel like they need to attack because now they say, well, 0:11:05.559 --> 0:11:07.280 I'm not like that at all? Why are you assuming 0:11:07.320 --> 0:11:10.239 that about me? Right? So, you going on the defense 0:11:10.840 --> 0:11:13.760 in your expression of your boundary, even though you're just 0:11:13.800 --> 0:11:16.560 trying to communicate how you feel, has forced a sense 0:11:16.559 --> 0:11:19.200 of attack out of someone else. You see this in 0:11:19.240 --> 0:11:23.280 sport all the time. So why am I raising this? 0:11:23.480 --> 0:11:27.200 Because your boundary may be perfectly important, it may be 0:11:27.280 --> 0:11:32.400 perfectly valuable, but if you express it incoherently. Notice how 0:11:32.400 --> 0:11:35.920 I use the word incoherent and not incorrectly. There's no 0:11:36.800 --> 0:11:40.200 incorrect way when you're expressing a boundary, but there is 0:11:40.200 --> 0:11:43.320 an incoherent way in the sense that the other person 0:11:43.400 --> 0:11:47.679 doesn't get the opportunity to truly digest it. You can 0:11:47.760 --> 0:11:51.160 have made the best food in the world, but if 0:11:51.200 --> 0:11:54.079 you force someone to eat it quickly, you force someone 0:11:54.120 --> 0:11:55.880 to eat it all. At the same time, you force 0:11:55.920 --> 0:11:57.960 someone to eat it at a pace they're not comfortable 0:11:58.000 --> 0:12:02.320 with what ends up happening. They can't digest the food. 0:12:03.280 --> 0:12:06.920 So when you're expressing your boundary, I want you to 0:12:07.040 --> 0:12:10.040 do it in a very aligned way now and I'll 0:12:10.080 --> 0:12:13.120 express what that is to you in a second. Have 0:12:13.240 --> 0:12:16.080 you ever had one bad moment spoil your entire day 0:12:16.480 --> 0:12:19.800 or fell overwhelmed for no reason? What about stress or 0:12:19.840 --> 0:12:23.560 anxious over that big moment or difficult conversation. You should 0:12:23.600 --> 0:12:26.920 try meditation. And I know what you're thinking, Jay, you 0:12:27.040 --> 0:12:28.560 used to be a monk. I don't have time to 0:12:28.559 --> 0:12:31.120 sit in the woods for hours doing nothing but really 0:12:31.400 --> 0:12:33.599 all the time you need to start your own mindfulness 0:12:33.600 --> 0:12:36.679 practice is seven minutes a day with the daily jay 0:12:37.120 --> 0:12:40.440 my daily guided meditations on the car map. You don't 0:12:40.440 --> 0:12:42.680 need to close your eyes or find a special seat. 0:12:43.000 --> 0:12:45.200 You can try it while you brush your teeth, do 0:12:45.240 --> 0:12:47.880 the dishes, or walk your dog. My goal in seven 0:12:47.880 --> 0:12:49.920 minutes a day is to help you find a calm 0:12:50.200 --> 0:12:54.000 and feel grounded in your busy world. Plant beautiful intentions 0:12:54.040 --> 0:12:57.160 for an abundant life and simple steps for positive actions 0:12:57.400 --> 0:12:59.840 to get you closer to the life of your dreams. 0:13:00.080 --> 0:13:01.880 Here's what one of the listeners of the Daily J 0:13:02.120 --> 0:13:06.200 had to say about their meditation. Wow, I just had 0:13:06.240 --> 0:13:08.520 a super hard day at work and couldn't get my 0:13:08.559 --> 0:13:11.160 boss's comments out of my head. Then I did the 0:13:11.200 --> 0:13:14.480 Daily J which related to my work issues, opened my 0:13:14.520 --> 0:13:17.120 eyes at the end of the session and felt renewed again. 0:13:17.600 --> 0:13:21.720 Previously today would have destroyed my whole weekend meditate with 0:13:21.800 --> 0:13:24.040 me by going to Calm dot com forward slash jay 0:13:24.320 --> 0:13:27.440 to get forty percent of a Calm Premium membership. That's 0:13:27.480 --> 0:13:30.079 only forty two dollars for the whole year for daily 0:13:30.080 --> 0:13:35.640 guided meditations experienced the Daily J only on Calm. The 0:13:35.760 --> 0:13:38.800 second method we often take is instead of being defenses, 0:13:38.840 --> 0:13:42.560 we attack, right, We attack the other person and we say, 0:13:42.760 --> 0:13:45.319 you always make me break my boundaries. I've always had 0:13:45.360 --> 0:13:48.800 this boundary and you don't let me live up to it. Right, 0:13:48.840 --> 0:13:52.120 So there's that blame, there's that finger pointing. But you 0:13:52.200 --> 0:13:54.880 go on the sense of attack. Now, what does that do? 0:13:55.080 --> 0:13:57.839 It creates a sense of defense in that other person. 0:13:57.840 --> 0:14:00.760 The person now gets defensive and says, well, you don't 0:14:00.840 --> 0:14:03.640 understand me. I care about you. I just I feel 0:14:03.640 --> 0:14:07.280 like you don't listen to me. And again the point 0:14:07.280 --> 0:14:08.880 has been lost. How many times have you been in 0:14:08.880 --> 0:14:13.720 this situation where you have either communicated your boundaries based 0:14:13.760 --> 0:14:17.200 on defense or attack. So what I find here is 0:14:17.240 --> 0:14:20.520 so fascinating is that usually we go into attack or 0:14:20.680 --> 0:14:25.560 defense mode with our boundaries, But actually what a boundary 0:14:25.880 --> 0:14:31.520 is is a personal checking system of is this aligned 0:14:31.560 --> 0:14:35.200 with me? So Gandhi said that harmony or peace has 0:14:35.240 --> 0:14:39.400 achieved when what we think, when what we say and 0:14:39.560 --> 0:14:43.960 what we do is aligned. And a boundary is a 0:14:44.000 --> 0:14:47.560 boundary that you get to check with yourself of am 0:14:47.600 --> 0:14:51.120 I going or crossing this boundary. We think boundaries keep 0:14:51.160 --> 0:14:55.960 other people out. Boundaries keep us in check with ourselves. 0:14:56.320 --> 0:15:00.480 A boundary is not a barrier to keep someone far away. 0:15:00.520 --> 0:15:05.120 A boundary is a criteria that you check with yourself 0:15:05.760 --> 0:15:08.960 to not lose yourself, to not cross yourself. We think 0:15:08.960 --> 0:15:11.560 a boundary or is a barrier that stops someone else 0:15:12.120 --> 0:15:16.680 from crossing, but it actually stops us from letting anyone 0:15:16.720 --> 0:15:21.360 cross it. It stops us crossing it ourselves. That's what 0:15:21.360 --> 0:15:24.320 we're trying not to allow. So it's a safe space 0:15:24.360 --> 0:15:28.040 of reflection. That's what a boundary is. It provides a 0:15:28.080 --> 0:15:32.480 pause to reflect, It allows you to value who you 0:15:32.600 --> 0:15:36.440 currently are, before you decide who you're ready to be 0:15:37.280 --> 0:15:39.840 or not becoming who someone wants you to be. So, 0:15:39.960 --> 0:15:43.240 if someone's wanting you to become something, a boundary isn't 0:15:43.240 --> 0:15:45.800 a yes or a no. It's not accept or reject. 0:15:46.320 --> 0:15:48.600 It's a safe space where you get to ask the 0:15:48.720 --> 0:15:53.200 question is this aligned for me? Is this right for me? 0:15:53.920 --> 0:15:57.080 And then we can make a healthy decision before we 0:15:57.200 --> 0:15:59.440 lose who we are or become who someone else wants 0:15:59.480 --> 0:16:03.720 us to be. We get to choose right, We get 0:16:03.800 --> 0:16:06.320 to choose. And what I want to talk to you 0:16:06.360 --> 0:16:08.280 about now is I want to talk to you about 0:16:08.280 --> 0:16:11.880 the five types of boundaries that I really think it's 0:16:11.920 --> 0:16:14.960 healthy for each person to be aware of, to set, 0:16:15.480 --> 0:16:18.840 and to express. So we talked about the types of 0:16:18.880 --> 0:16:22.000 boundaries we've all broken. We talked about becoming aware of boundaries. 0:16:22.040 --> 0:16:25.200 We talked about setting boundaries. We talked about expressing boundaries. 0:16:25.360 --> 0:16:27.320 And when we express, we don't want to be attack 0:16:27.440 --> 0:16:31.080 or defense. We actually want to make sure it's about us. 0:16:31.640 --> 0:16:33.640 And now I want to share with you the five 0:16:33.720 --> 0:16:36.720 types of boundaries that I genuinely believe you need to 0:16:36.720 --> 0:16:38.960 be aware of, set, and express. And of course there's 0:16:39.000 --> 0:16:43.960 more so The first one is a friendship boundary. What 0:16:44.000 --> 0:16:46.000 I mean by this is often what happens in a 0:16:46.080 --> 0:16:49.800 relationship is we lose our friends as we move towards love. Right, 0:16:49.840 --> 0:16:52.160 everyone has that person in their group who gets so 0:16:52.280 --> 0:16:54.680 loved up that you never see them anymore and you're like, well, yeah, 0:16:54.680 --> 0:16:56.680 I think they're dating, I think they're happy, like we 0:16:56.760 --> 0:16:59.880 just don't see them around anymore. And what we find 0:17:00.120 --> 0:17:03.240 is that often that happens because one of the partners 0:17:03.320 --> 0:17:06.560 may be uncomfortable about you spending time with your friends. 0:17:06.760 --> 0:17:10.280 I used to have a friend who her boyfriend wasn't 0:17:10.280 --> 0:17:13.800 happy with her seeing other guy friends that she had 0:17:13.840 --> 0:17:16.639 from before she knew him. Now you have to ask 0:17:16.720 --> 0:17:20.600 yourself and reflect and have a genuine conversation with yourself 0:17:20.960 --> 0:17:24.000 around whether there needs to be a boundary set with 0:17:24.080 --> 0:17:27.400 certain friends, whether you are going to set them and 0:17:27.480 --> 0:17:30.680 how you express them to both people, or whether you're 0:17:30.680 --> 0:17:33.800 actually going to set a boundary for your newfound partner 0:17:34.080 --> 0:17:35.720 and say, well, these are friends that are important in 0:17:35.760 --> 0:17:37.720 my life and I have to see them, and I 0:17:37.760 --> 0:17:40.160 trust them, and I respect them, and I appreciate them, 0:17:40.320 --> 0:17:41.960 and I'd love for you to get to know them too. 0:17:41.960 --> 0:17:45.080 When it's the right time, And so friendship is really 0:17:45.119 --> 0:17:48.440 critical because often we find that people get envious, they 0:17:48.480 --> 0:17:52.280 get jealous, they get insecure, they feel uncertain about their 0:17:52.280 --> 0:17:56.080 position in your life. And if you've thought about this before, 0:17:56.160 --> 0:17:59.159 if you've become aware of it, you're more likely just 0:17:59.240 --> 0:18:02.520 going to avoidoid a lot of the issues that naturally 0:18:02.560 --> 0:18:06.560 come up in this area. The second one is what 0:18:06.600 --> 0:18:10.280 I call the ideas boundary. You may have certain ideas 0:18:10.280 --> 0:18:14.160 about life, and when you start dating someone, it's natural 0:18:14.640 --> 0:18:17.639 for you to be introduced to their ideas. And I 0:18:17.680 --> 0:18:20.680 think we again make the mistake of attack and defense. 0:18:20.800 --> 0:18:23.000 We either think that life is all about defending our 0:18:23.080 --> 0:18:27.480 ideas or attacking someone else's. Again, what I find here 0:18:27.560 --> 0:18:29.800 is that you want to be able to be influenced. 0:18:29.840 --> 0:18:31.680 You want to be able to be open to someone 0:18:31.680 --> 0:18:35.400 else's ideas. But if there's an idea that you've reflected 0:18:35.480 --> 0:18:39.560 one of yours, you've checked with yourself, and you can't 0:18:39.600 --> 0:18:42.080 seem to change your mind about it, you want to 0:18:42.119 --> 0:18:45.080 make that other person aware. But this goes both ways. 0:18:45.160 --> 0:18:47.840 You may also be with a partner who has an 0:18:47.880 --> 0:18:53.640 idea or an intellectual perspective that you may not like, 0:18:53.920 --> 0:18:56.560 and you have to respect their boundaries. So notice how 0:18:56.560 --> 0:18:59.040 boundaries work both ways. I think what we often want 0:18:59.119 --> 0:19:01.320 is a world where it's, well, these are my boundaries. 0:19:01.320 --> 0:19:03.280 I hope we keep to them. But then when your 0:19:03.320 --> 0:19:07.439 partner subconsciously expresses their boundaries, we can't deal with them 0:19:07.440 --> 0:19:09.440 because we don't like them, because they're not the same 0:19:09.480 --> 0:19:12.679 as ours. And chances are your boundaries are never going 0:19:12.720 --> 0:19:14.800 to be the same as your partners, and so we're 0:19:14.840 --> 0:19:17.960 trying to create an environment where they're allowed to have 0:19:18.040 --> 0:19:20.600 their ideas on certain things that are different to You're 0:19:20.640 --> 0:19:23.439 allowed to have your ideas that are different to theirs. 0:19:23.920 --> 0:19:26.520 But just as you want respect for your boundaries, there 0:19:26.560 --> 0:19:30.080 has to be a respect for theirs. Now. The third 0:19:30.160 --> 0:19:33.560 is a financial boundary. A financial boundaries how you choose 0:19:33.600 --> 0:19:37.000 to spend money, how you save, And this is where 0:19:37.440 --> 0:19:40.320 we actually have to lead to more open, healthy conversations 0:19:40.359 --> 0:19:43.760 when we get into a relationship, especially a committed relationship, 0:19:44.240 --> 0:19:47.399 about other people's relationship with money. So, first of all, 0:19:47.440 --> 0:19:49.080 I'm going to say, you should be aware of your 0:19:49.119 --> 0:19:52.439 relationship with money, and most people are not. We're not 0:19:52.520 --> 0:19:55.480 aware of how we want to save, invest or spend, 0:19:55.760 --> 0:19:59.760 or waste and knowing and these are the four areas. 0:20:00.280 --> 0:20:02.399 How much do you save every month, how much do 0:20:02.440 --> 0:20:05.359 you spend every month? How much do you invest every month? 0:20:05.440 --> 0:20:07.959 And how much do you waste every month? It's really 0:20:08.000 --> 0:20:12.119 important to categorize that, not to shame yourself, not to 0:20:12.240 --> 0:20:16.240 guilt yourself, but to gain awareness. So I want you 0:20:16.280 --> 0:20:18.960 to look at your bill this weekend, and I know 0:20:19.000 --> 0:20:21.040 it's going to be a painful activity, and I want 0:20:21.040 --> 0:20:23.639 you to audit based on how much money you had 0:20:23.680 --> 0:20:26.080 coming in, how much did you save, how much did 0:20:26.080 --> 0:20:28.960 you spend, how much did you invest, and how much 0:20:29.000 --> 0:20:31.680 did you waste. Now, when you do this activity, it's 0:20:31.720 --> 0:20:33.600 not to make you feel bad, it's to make you go, Okay, well, 0:20:33.600 --> 0:20:35.679 what do I want those numbers to look like next month? 0:20:36.160 --> 0:20:38.000 What do I want that to look like next year? 0:20:38.720 --> 0:20:41.120 If you do this activity by yourself, when you get 0:20:41.160 --> 0:20:43.919 into a relationship, you'll be able to show someone this. 0:20:44.640 --> 0:20:47.359 You'll be able to talk about it. Now that person 0:20:47.400 --> 0:20:50.080 may not have a model, but they'll say, wow, that's amazing. 0:20:50.119 --> 0:20:52.440 I should be doing that too. So what I find 0:20:52.520 --> 0:20:56.560 often is that we have a financial boundary that isn't clear. 0:20:57.440 --> 0:20:59.520 And because it's not clear for us, it can't be 0:20:59.560 --> 0:21:02.280 clear to others. This is the same with ideas. If 0:21:02.280 --> 0:21:06.879 we don't have well thought through, deeply meaningful understandings of 0:21:06.920 --> 0:21:08.760 why we do what we do and why we made 0:21:08.760 --> 0:21:13.560 that choice, it's very hard for someone else to also 0:21:13.640 --> 0:21:17.679 be able to understand that idea. So setting financial boundaries. 0:21:18.440 --> 0:21:22.480 The fourth one is an alone time boundary. How much 0:21:22.480 --> 0:21:24.600 alone time do you need every week? Some of you 0:21:24.600 --> 0:21:26.280 will say none at all, Right, you want to be 0:21:26.320 --> 0:21:29.800 around the other person, But it's so important that you 0:21:29.840 --> 0:21:31.760 have a loane time boundary set up. I know for 0:21:31.840 --> 0:21:34.800 me and my wife, I know that every week she 0:21:34.920 --> 0:21:36.679 loves spending time with her friends. I love spending time 0:21:36.720 --> 0:21:40.359 with my friends. She likes exercising with her friends. I 0:21:40.480 --> 0:21:43.000 like working out or playing sport with some of my friends. 0:21:43.280 --> 0:21:45.959 But recently I was talking to a friend and he 0:21:46.040 --> 0:21:49.920 was saying how his partner doesn't want to spend time 0:21:49.960 --> 0:21:52.720 the loan and she doesn't want him to have the 0:21:52.720 --> 0:21:55.600 time to spend alone either, And we start to see 0:21:55.640 --> 0:21:58.639 how that becomes extremely unhealthy and at the start of 0:21:58.680 --> 0:22:01.680 a relationship, we kind of like it sometimes that people 0:22:01.720 --> 0:22:04.280 like when someone's obsessed with them, people like when someone's 0:22:04.280 --> 0:22:07.239 really into them, And then after time, they're like, oh, 0:22:07.240 --> 0:22:08.840 I need a loan time, but that person got too 0:22:08.960 --> 0:22:11.240 used to it. And I think this is the biggest 0:22:11.280 --> 0:22:15.840 challenge I see is that we allow our partners at 0:22:15.920 --> 0:22:18.760 the beginning of our relationships to get used to us 0:22:19.440 --> 0:22:23.320 in an abnormal way. They get used to us in 0:22:23.359 --> 0:22:26.920 a way that's not true to us because we position 0:22:27.000 --> 0:22:29.520 ourselves that way or we're more open, or we say 0:22:29.600 --> 0:22:32.320 yes more or we're more available, and then as time 0:22:32.359 --> 0:22:35.119 goes on. I found this with me and RADI, where 0:22:35.800 --> 0:22:42.919 when we first started dating, I was very available, and slowly, slowly, slowly, 0:22:42.920 --> 0:22:45.800 I got busier and she was like, well, wait a minute, 0:22:45.800 --> 0:22:47.560 what's going on here? Like you know, and that was 0:22:47.600 --> 0:22:49.639 busy because I was starting to work and I had 0:22:49.680 --> 0:22:52.080 to build my life. It was all very natural. But 0:22:52.680 --> 0:22:55.280 if I now was switching in that way, I would 0:22:55.440 --> 0:22:57.120 make her aware that hey, I'm going to be really 0:22:57.160 --> 0:22:59.560 available with this month, but then next month, I'm really 0:22:59.560 --> 0:23:02.960 busy with the work. And the fifth and final boundary 0:23:03.359 --> 0:23:06.280 is what I call a purpose boundary. The more you're 0:23:06.320 --> 0:23:09.320