1
00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:02,520
Speaker 1: The Vaders say, when you protect your purpose, your purpose

2
00:00:02,560 --> 00:00:05,200
Speaker 1: protects you. Most of us don't protect our purpose. We

3
00:00:05,320 --> 00:00:14,800
Speaker 1: give it away for a person. Hey everyone, welcome back

4
00:00:14,840 --> 00:00:18,200
Speaker 1: to Our Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world.

5
00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:20,400
Speaker 1: Thanks to each and every one of you that come

6
00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:24,799
Speaker 1: back every week to become happier, healthier, and more healed.

7
00:00:25,280 --> 00:00:28,960
Speaker 1: I'm committed to those three things in my life, and

8
00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:32,640
Speaker 1: I'm so grateful that you're committed to them too. I

9
00:00:32,680 --> 00:00:37,400
Speaker 1: have been loving the stories on Instagram, the post on TikTok,

10
00:00:37,479 --> 00:00:40,240
Speaker 1: so many of you are clipping the video episode off

11
00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:42,960
Speaker 1: of YouTube. And I also want to thank you for

12
00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:46,199
Speaker 1: all the incredible preorders we've had. We've had thousands of

13
00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:49,960
Speaker 1: pre orders for eight Rules of Love, my new book,

14
00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:55,120
Speaker 1: which is all about love and relationships and connection, about

15
00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:59,680
Speaker 1: chemistry and compatibility. And if you haven't ordered it already,

16
00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:02,440
Speaker 1: it mean the world to me. If you had to

17
00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:06,240
Speaker 1: eight Rules of Love dot com and pre order the

18
00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:09,560
Speaker 1: book because it makes a huge difference to authors, I

19
00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:14,400
Speaker 1: would deeply, deeply appreciate it. And today's session is all

20
00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:19,760
Speaker 1: about setting boundaries in relationships. Now, I just want to

21
00:01:19,760 --> 00:01:22,760
Speaker 1: get a show of hands. How many of you struggle

22
00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:28,480
Speaker 1: or have struggled in the past to set boundaries in relationships.

23
00:01:28,680 --> 00:01:31,480
Speaker 1: Raise your hand right now and as you're driving, not

24
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:35,880
Speaker 1: wherever you are right now, right I'm guessing it's a

25
00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:39,160
Speaker 1: lot of us. How many of you have said yes

26
00:01:39,959 --> 00:01:43,759
Speaker 1: when you actually wanted to say no? You said yes

27
00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:47,319
Speaker 1: to your partner. You're in people pleasing mode. You're in

28
00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:49,880
Speaker 1: that phase where you just thought, oh, well, they'll like

29
00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:54,360
Speaker 1: me more if I say yes, they'll keep me around.

30
00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:58,360
Speaker 1: This won't end this way, they'll really be attracted to me.

31
00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:01,000
Speaker 1: I'll just say yes even when I really don't feel

32
00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:05,800
Speaker 1: comfortable doing whatever it is I'm going to see a yes.

33
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:10,799
Speaker 1: I want to avoid tension. I want to avoid stress, pressure,

34
00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:15,480
Speaker 1: or conflict, and so I will go against my natural

35
00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:19,480
Speaker 1: inclination and intuition to do something I don't want to

36
00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:23,280
Speaker 1: do now. The opposite can also be true as a

37
00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:26,800
Speaker 1: sign of not setting a healthy boundary. How many of

38
00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:32,639
Speaker 1: you have said no when you actually want to say yes? Now?

39
00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:40,120
Speaker 1: This is an interesting one because you're again maybe potentially

40
00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:44,000
Speaker 1: acting out of a place of making the other person

41
00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:46,560
Speaker 1: feel uncomfortable, making the other person work hard, making the

42
00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:50,120
Speaker 1: other person feel like they're not ready yet, they're not

43
00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:54,840
Speaker 1: valued yet. You're playing a game potentially. And again remember

44
00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:57,480
Speaker 1: I'm saying it's you're saying no when you want to

45
00:02:57,520 --> 00:03:01,400
Speaker 1: say yes. So there's a misaligned in where you are.

46
00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:06,200
Speaker 1: Another way that we've all experienced or made the mistake

47
00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:10,680
Speaker 1: of not setting boundaries is that we've expected our partners

48
00:03:10,919 --> 00:03:13,560
Speaker 1: to know what we're thinking, to know what we want.

49
00:03:13,639 --> 00:03:16,720
Speaker 1: We have not expressed what we would like. We have

50
00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:20,400
Speaker 1: not been clear about what we would like, and we

51
00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:26,079
Speaker 1: just expect them to know. Another way that I think

52
00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:28,640
Speaker 1: a lot of people. My friend was just telling me

53
00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:32,560
Speaker 1: this that we're not one of her boyfriend right now.

54
00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:38,760
Speaker 1: He doesn't like it if she's out with her friends

55
00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:42,440
Speaker 1: instead of being with him, even if he's out of

56
00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:46,800
Speaker 1: town or traveling. He expects her to be on the

57
00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:49,440
Speaker 1: phone with him or be connected to him at all

58
00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:53,440
Speaker 1: times and doesn't let her have her own independence or

59
00:03:53,480 --> 00:03:58,000
Speaker 1: have her own life. Now she's struggling to set a boundary.

60
00:03:58,080 --> 00:04:02,040
Speaker 1: There where the boundary years, well, this is my alan time,

61
00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:04,080
Speaker 1: this is my friend time, this is what I want

62
00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:07,200
Speaker 1: to do as well, this is my personal space. And

63
00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:10,120
Speaker 1: so we can start to see that we've caved on

64
00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:14,520
Speaker 1: our boundaries for a long long time. We've made mistakes

65
00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:18,200
Speaker 1: at either not even being aware of our boundaries and

66
00:04:18,279 --> 00:04:23,560
Speaker 1: not even setting our boundaries, let alone expressing them right.

67
00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:28,400
Speaker 1: So this is a three step process. First, we have

68
00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:32,800
Speaker 1: to become aware of what boundaries we want to set,

69
00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:37,159
Speaker 1: and you'll find that fifty percent of the boundaries you

70
00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:41,920
Speaker 1: want to set are because of mistakes in past relationships.

71
00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:44,960
Speaker 1: You crossed the boundary, you broke a boundary of yours

72
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:49,000
Speaker 1: that you didn't have awareness around. And now what I'd

73
00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:51,840
Speaker 1: like you to do is reflect on some of your

74
00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:56,000
Speaker 1: past relationships. Just like examples I shared a moment ago,

75
00:04:56,880 --> 00:05:00,800
Speaker 1: what were the boundaries that you continue to cross, break

76
00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:06,599
Speaker 1: and not live up to because you weren't aware of them.

77
00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:09,520
Speaker 1: I had an ex girlfriend a long, long time ago,

78
00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:14,239
Speaker 1: and I remember that after we'd go out for some reason,

79
00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:18,120
Speaker 1: even though we had a great night, she'd always be

80
00:05:18,279 --> 00:05:20,800
Speaker 1: upset and she'd go quiet, and then she wouldn't talk

81
00:05:20,839 --> 00:05:24,040
Speaker 1: to me all the way home. And I remember trying

82
00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:26,000
Speaker 1: to figure it out, and I'd be really understanding, and

83
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:28,280
Speaker 1: i'd be really loving, i'd be really supportive, and I'd

84
00:05:28,279 --> 00:05:31,400
Speaker 1: do this every night we went out. And I always

85
00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:33,120
Speaker 1: thought it was me. I was very young at this time,

86
00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:36,040
Speaker 1: and I thought it was just completely me and I

87
00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:38,919
Speaker 1: gave up the boundary. I was just constantly being a

88
00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:43,680
Speaker 1: supporting person, I was constantly being empathetic, and I crossed

89
00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:46,120
Speaker 1: my boundary where I wasn't having a good night anymore,

90
00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:49,799
Speaker 1: but I was sacrificing having a good night where nothing

91
00:05:49,839 --> 00:05:53,680
Speaker 1: had gone wrong because of how someone was behaving. Right,

92
00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:58,160
Speaker 1: So now I'm aware of that, Right, that's an awareness point. Okay, Jay,

93
00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:00,880
Speaker 1: that's a boundary that you've broken before. Let me think

94
00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:03,640
Speaker 1: of another one. A boundary that I broke before was

95
00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:08,479
Speaker 1: dating someone who always wanted me to travel up to them,

96
00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:11,240
Speaker 1: but never wanted to come down to see me. Right,

97
00:06:11,279 --> 00:06:14,280
Speaker 1: They never wanted to make the effort to travel in

98
00:06:14,279 --> 00:06:16,559
Speaker 1: a long distance relationship to come and see me. Always

99
00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:19,240
Speaker 1: wanted me to see them, and at the time, because

100
00:06:19,279 --> 00:06:20,840
Speaker 1: I was into them, I would do that. I would

101
00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:23,280
Speaker 1: take that long journey, I would make the effort, I

102
00:06:23,279 --> 00:06:27,159
Speaker 1: would spend the money, only to realize that this didn't

103
00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:31,520
Speaker 1: feel fair. Right now, what happens in this scenario, And

104
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:34,039
Speaker 1: I want you to reflect on your past relationships because

105
00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:37,120
Speaker 1: I promise you it will save you a lot in

106
00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:40,600
Speaker 1: your present relationship and if you have to your future

107
00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:46,000
Speaker 1: relationships now how because what happens is when we're breaking

108
00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:51,359
Speaker 1: our own boundaries, we often blame it on the other person.

109
00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:54,760
Speaker 1: Now we never got the opportunity to blame it on

110
00:06:55,200 --> 00:07:00,320
Speaker 1: our X, but now we blame our current partner. But

111
00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:04,240
Speaker 1: really the challenges we are not aware of our boundaries,

112
00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:10,720
Speaker 1: and so we are shifting our responsibility of that feeling,

113
00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:13,760
Speaker 1: that emotion, how we want to be treated onto the

114
00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:16,400
Speaker 1: other person. So first, I want you to just become

115
00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:21,960
Speaker 1: aware of all your boundaries from the past and maybe

116
00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:24,400
Speaker 1: some new ones that you've developed recently. And I'll be

117
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:26,600
Speaker 1: telling you the different areas, but I just want you

118
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:29,480
Speaker 1: to become aware of the ones from the past for now.

119
00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:33,560
Speaker 1: What were boundaries that you broke, Maybe in regards to

120
00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:38,840
Speaker 1: how you are spoken to, maybe in regards to how

121
00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:42,360
Speaker 1: people talk to you and communicated with you. Maybe it

122
00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:45,240
Speaker 1: was boundaries about what you were willing to do, your

123
00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:48,720
Speaker 1: physical boundaries. What were things in the past that you

124
00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:53,240
Speaker 1: know you've broken that need to be mended. So I

125
00:07:53,280 --> 00:07:57,800
Speaker 1: want you to become aware first. Once you're aware of

126
00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:02,040
Speaker 1: your boundaries, you then set them. What I mean by

127
00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:07,360
Speaker 1: set them is that you clarify and articulate to yourself

128
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:12,640
Speaker 1: what your boundary is, for example, if I don't want

129
00:08:12,640 --> 00:08:17,080
Speaker 1: to do something, I will say no and explain why.

130
00:08:17,760 --> 00:08:20,240
Speaker 1: And I think this is a really important part to

131
00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:23,600
Speaker 1: the boundary that a boundary doesn't just stop at yes

132
00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:27,040
Speaker 1: or no. It has a component to it, which is

133
00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:32,000
Speaker 1: why or how or when or what. It doesn't just

134
00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:35,640
Speaker 1: stop at no, I won't do that. Yes I'll do that, right, Like,

135
00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:39,559
Speaker 1: that's not a boundary. A boundary and a healthy relationship

136
00:08:40,559 --> 00:08:45,360
Speaker 1: is setting a boundary that you know why it exists. So,

137
00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:49,600
Speaker 1: for example, someone I know is aware that in the

138
00:08:49,679 --> 00:08:54,120
Speaker 1: past they have gone to their partner for everything, so

139
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:57,560
Speaker 1: now they've set a boundary for themselves, which says, hey,

140
00:08:57,760 --> 00:09:00,840
Speaker 1: I know who I go to advice for this thing. Right.

141
00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:04,040
Speaker 1: So that's a great boundary that's been set where it's like, Okay,

142
00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:07,280
Speaker 1: I'm not going to overburden or overwhelm my partner, but

143
00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:09,760
Speaker 1: I know who I go to for this. Let me

144
00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:14,920
Speaker 1: be aware of that, and now let me set that boundary. Right.

145
00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:18,760
Speaker 1: Another boundary that I know someone in my life has

146
00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:23,160
Speaker 1: is their desire to say, well, this is what happened

147
00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:26,800
Speaker 1: before you and so my past. While I'm happy to

148
00:09:26,840 --> 00:09:29,960
Speaker 1: share that with you, I'm not going to be made

149
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,560
Speaker 1: to feel bad about it, or I'm not going to

150
00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:34,760
Speaker 1: be made to feel like I need to change it

151
00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:37,439
Speaker 1: or that I need to become better because of it.

152
00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:40,160
Speaker 1: It's what my past was, and you either accept that

153
00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:43,000
Speaker 1: or you don't. Right, And now they are aware of

154
00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:46,320
Speaker 1: that boundary and they've set that boundary. So after you

155
00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:48,640
Speaker 1: become aware of a boundary, we have to set it

156
00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:52,600
Speaker 1: and articulate it to ourselves and why it exists. So

157
00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:55,280
Speaker 1: you may say, I don't want my past put into

158
00:09:55,360 --> 00:09:58,880
Speaker 1: question because I have left my past behind, I have

159
00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:02,240
Speaker 1: changed my habit, I have grown, and I don't want

160
00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:07,319
Speaker 1: to be reminded of it. Right. Knowing that reasoning is healthy.

161
00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:12,600
Speaker 1: And then the third step is expressing it to your partner. Now,

162
00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:15,120
Speaker 1: this is where a lot of mistakes are made also

163
00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:20,400
Speaker 1: because often the way we express our boundaries is that

164
00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:26,480
Speaker 1: it's done in one of two ways. It's either presented defensively. Right,

165
00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:28,960
Speaker 1: this is my boundary, this is just what I need, Like,

166
00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:32,440
Speaker 1: this is just my way of taking care of myself.

167
00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:34,760
Speaker 1: Like you don't know that, and you don't understand, and

168
00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:37,920
Speaker 1: you know you are always trying to get me to

169
00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:40,320
Speaker 1: break my boundaries. And this is my boundaries. So there's

170
00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:45,400
Speaker 1: a sense of defense. One way of expressing your boundary

171
00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:49,760
Speaker 1: is through defense, and what that does is that it

172
00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:55,440
Speaker 1: assumes that your partner is malicious, controlling, or has that energy,

173
00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:58,360
Speaker 1: and it now makes them feel defensive. So if you

174
00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:02,800
Speaker 1: communicate something through the method of defense, it makes them

175
00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:05,560
Speaker 1: feel like they need to attack because now they say, well,

176
00:11:05,559 --> 00:11:07,280
Speaker 1: I'm not like that at all? Why are you assuming

177
00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:10,239
Speaker 1: that about me? Right? So, you going on the defense

178
00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:13,760
Speaker 1: in your expression of your boundary, even though you're just

179
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:16,560
Speaker 1: trying to communicate how you feel, has forced a sense

180
00:11:16,559 --> 00:11:19,200
Speaker 1: of attack out of someone else. You see this in

181
00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:23,280
Speaker 1: sport all the time. So why am I raising this?

182
00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:27,200
Speaker 1: Because your boundary may be perfectly important, it may be

183
00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:32,400
Speaker 1: perfectly valuable, but if you express it incoherently. Notice how

184
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:35,920
Speaker 1: I use the word incoherent and not incorrectly. There's no

185
00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:40,200
Speaker 1: incorrect way when you're expressing a boundary, but there is

186
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:43,320
Speaker 1: an incoherent way in the sense that the other person

187
00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:47,679
Speaker 1: doesn't get the opportunity to truly digest it. You can

188
00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:51,160
Speaker 1: have made the best food in the world, but if

189
00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:54,079
Speaker 1: you force someone to eat it quickly, you force someone

190
00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:55,880
Speaker 1: to eat it all. At the same time, you force

191
00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:57,960
Speaker 1: someone to eat it at a pace they're not comfortable

192
00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:02,320
Speaker 1: with what ends up happening. They can't digest the food.

193
00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:06,920
Speaker 1: So when you're expressing your boundary, I want you to

194
00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:10,040
Speaker 1: do it in a very aligned way now and I'll

195
00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:13,120
Speaker 1: express what that is to you in a second. Have

196
00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:16,080
Speaker 1: you ever had one bad moment spoil your entire day

197
00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:19,800
Speaker 1: or fell overwhelmed for no reason? What about stress or

198
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:23,560
Speaker 1: anxious over that big moment or difficult conversation. You should

199
00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:26,920
Speaker 1: try meditation. And I know what you're thinking, Jay, you

200
00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:28,560
Speaker 1: used to be a monk. I don't have time to

201
00:12:28,559 --> 00:12:31,120
Speaker 1: sit in the woods for hours doing nothing but really

202
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:33,599
Speaker 1: all the time you need to start your own mindfulness

203
00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:36,679
Speaker 1: practice is seven minutes a day with the daily jay

204
00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:40,440
Speaker 1: my daily guided meditations on the car map. You don't

205
00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:42,680
Speaker 1: need to close your eyes or find a special seat.

206
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:45,200
Speaker 1: You can try it while you brush your teeth, do

207
00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:47,880
Speaker 1: the dishes, or walk your dog. My goal in seven

208
00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:49,920
Speaker 1: minutes a day is to help you find a calm

209
00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:54,000
Speaker 1: and feel grounded in your busy world. Plant beautiful intentions

210
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:57,160
Speaker 1: for an abundant life and simple steps for positive actions

211
00:12:57,400 --> 00:12:59,840
Speaker 1: to get you closer to the life of your dreams.

212
00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:01,880
Speaker 1: Here's what one of the listeners of the Daily J

213
00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:06,200
Speaker 1: had to say about their meditation. Wow, I just had

214
00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:08,520
Speaker 1: a super hard day at work and couldn't get my

215
00:13:08,559 --> 00:13:11,160
Speaker 1: boss's comments out of my head. Then I did the

216
00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:14,480
Speaker 1: Daily J which related to my work issues, opened my

217
00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:17,120
Speaker 1: eyes at the end of the session and felt renewed again.

218
00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:21,720
Speaker 1: Previously today would have destroyed my whole weekend meditate with

219
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:24,040
Speaker 1: me by going to Calm dot com forward slash jay

220
00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:27,440
Speaker 1: to get forty percent of a Calm Premium membership. That's

221
00:13:27,480 --> 00:13:30,079
Speaker 1: only forty two dollars for the whole year for daily

222
00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:35,640
Speaker 1: guided meditations experienced the Daily J only on Calm. The

223
00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:38,800
Speaker 1: second method we often take is instead of being defenses,

224
00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:42,560
Speaker 1: we attack, right, We attack the other person and we say,

225
00:13:42,760 --> 00:13:45,319
Speaker 1: you always make me break my boundaries. I've always had

226
00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:48,800
Speaker 1: this boundary and you don't let me live up to it. Right,

227
00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:52,120
Speaker 1: So there's that blame, there's that finger pointing. But you

228
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:54,880
Speaker 1: go on the sense of attack. Now, what does that do?

229
00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:57,839
Speaker 1: It creates a sense of defense in that other person.

230
00:13:57,840 --> 00:14:00,760
Speaker 1: The person now gets defensive and says, well, you don't

231
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,640
Speaker 1: understand me. I care about you. I just I feel

232
00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:07,280
Speaker 1: like you don't listen to me. And again the point

233
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:08,880
Speaker 1: has been lost. How many times have you been in

234
00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:13,720
Speaker 1: this situation where you have either communicated your boundaries based

235
00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:17,200
Speaker 1: on defense or attack. So what I find here is

236
00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:20,520
Speaker 1: so fascinating is that usually we go into attack or

237
00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:25,560
Speaker 1: defense mode with our boundaries, But actually what a boundary

238
00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:31,520
Speaker 1: is is a personal checking system of is this aligned

239
00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:35,200
Speaker 1: with me? So Gandhi said that harmony or peace has

240
00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:39,400
Speaker 1: achieved when what we think, when what we say and

241
00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:43,960
Speaker 1: what we do is aligned. And a boundary is a

242
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:47,560
Speaker 1: boundary that you get to check with yourself of am

243
00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:51,120
Speaker 1: I going or crossing this boundary. We think boundaries keep

244
00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:55,960
Speaker 1: other people out. Boundaries keep us in check with ourselves.

245
00:14:56,320 --> 00:15:00,480
Speaker 1: A boundary is not a barrier to keep someone far away.

246
00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:05,120
Speaker 1: A boundary is a criteria that you check with yourself

247
00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:08,960
Speaker 1: to not lose yourself, to not cross yourself. We think

248
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:11,560
Speaker 1: a boundary or is a barrier that stops someone else

249
00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:16,680
Speaker 1: from crossing, but it actually stops us from letting anyone

250
00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:21,360
Speaker 1: cross it. It stops us crossing it ourselves. That's what

251
00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:24,320
Speaker 1: we're trying not to allow. So it's a safe space

252
00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:28,040
Speaker 1: of reflection. That's what a boundary is. It provides a

253
00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:32,480
Speaker 1: pause to reflect, It allows you to value who you

254
00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:36,440
Speaker 1: currently are, before you decide who you're ready to be

255
00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:39,840
Speaker 1: or not becoming who someone wants you to be. So,

256
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:43,240
Speaker 1: if someone's wanting you to become something, a boundary isn't

257
00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:45,800
Speaker 1: a yes or a no. It's not accept or reject.

258
00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:48,600
Speaker 1: It's a safe space where you get to ask the

259
00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:53,200
Speaker 1: question is this aligned for me? Is this right for me?

260
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:57,080
Speaker 1: And then we can make a healthy decision before we

261
00:15:57,200 --> 00:15:59,440
Speaker 1: lose who we are or become who someone else wants

262
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:03,720
Speaker 1: us to be. We get to choose right, We get

263
00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:06,320
Speaker 1: to choose. And what I want to talk to you

264
00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:08,280
Speaker 1: about now is I want to talk to you about

265
00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:11,880
Speaker 1: the five types of boundaries that I really think it's

266
00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:14,960
Speaker 1: healthy for each person to be aware of, to set,

267
00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:18,840
Speaker 1: and to express. So we talked about the types of

268
00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:22,000
Speaker 1: boundaries we've all broken. We talked about becoming aware of boundaries.

269
00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:25,200
Speaker 1: We talked about setting boundaries. We talked about expressing boundaries.

270
00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:27,320
Speaker 1: And when we express, we don't want to be attack

271
00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:31,080
Speaker 1: or defense. We actually want to make sure it's about us.

272
00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:33,640
Speaker 1: And now I want to share with you the five

273
00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:36,720
Speaker 1: types of boundaries that I genuinely believe you need to

274
00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:38,960
Speaker 1: be aware of, set, and express. And of course there's

275
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:43,960
Speaker 1: more so The first one is a friendship boundary. What

276
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:46,000
Speaker 1: I mean by this is often what happens in a

277
00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:49,800
Speaker 1: relationship is we lose our friends as we move towards love. Right,

278
00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:52,160
Speaker 1: everyone has that person in their group who gets so

279
00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:54,680
Speaker 1: loved up that you never see them anymore and you're like, well, yeah,

280
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:56,680
Speaker 1: I think they're dating, I think they're happy, like we

281
00:16:56,760 --> 00:16:59,880
Speaker 1: just don't see them around anymore. And what we find

282
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:03,240
Speaker 1: is that often that happens because one of the partners

283
00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:06,560
Speaker 1: may be uncomfortable about you spending time with your friends.

284
00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:10,280
Speaker 1: I used to have a friend who her boyfriend wasn't

285
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:13,800
Speaker 1: happy with her seeing other guy friends that she had

286
00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:16,639
Speaker 1: from before she knew him. Now you have to ask

287
00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:20,600
Speaker 1: yourself and reflect and have a genuine conversation with yourself

288
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:24,000
Speaker 1: around whether there needs to be a boundary set with

289
00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:27,400
Speaker 1: certain friends, whether you are going to set them and

290
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:30,680
Speaker 1: how you express them to both people, or whether you're

291
00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:33,800
Speaker 1: actually going to set a boundary for your newfound partner

292
00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:35,720
Speaker 1: and say, well, these are friends that are important in

293
00:17:35,760 --> 00:17:37,720
Speaker 1: my life and I have to see them, and I

294
00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:40,160
Speaker 1: trust them, and I respect them, and I appreciate them,

295
00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:41,960
Speaker 1: and I'd love for you to get to know them too.

296
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:45,080
Speaker 1: When it's the right time, And so friendship is really

297
00:17:45,119 --> 00:17:48,440
Speaker 1: critical because often we find that people get envious, they

298
00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:52,280
Speaker 1: get jealous, they get insecure, they feel uncertain about their

299
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:56,080
Speaker 1: position in your life. And if you've thought about this before,

300
00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:59,159
Speaker 1: if you've become aware of it, you're more likely just

301
00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:02,520
Speaker 1: going to avoidoid a lot of the issues that naturally

302
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:06,560
Speaker 1: come up in this area. The second one is what

303
00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:10,280
Speaker 1: I call the ideas boundary. You may have certain ideas

304
00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:14,160
Speaker 1: about life, and when you start dating someone, it's natural

305
00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:17,639
Speaker 1: for you to be introduced to their ideas. And I

306
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:20,680
Speaker 1: think we again make the mistake of attack and defense.

307
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:23,000
Speaker 1: We either think that life is all about defending our

308
00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:27,480
Speaker 1: ideas or attacking someone else's. Again, what I find here

309
00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:29,800
Speaker 1: is that you want to be able to be influenced.

310
00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:31,680
Speaker 1: You want to be able to be open to someone

311
00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:35,400
Speaker 1: else's ideas. But if there's an idea that you've reflected

312
00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:39,560
Speaker 1: one of yours, you've checked with yourself, and you can't

313
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:42,080
Speaker 1: seem to change your mind about it, you want to

314
00:18:42,119 --> 00:18:45,080
Speaker 1: make that other person aware. But this goes both ways.

315
00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:47,840
Speaker 1: You may also be with a partner who has an

316
00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:53,640
Speaker 1: idea or an intellectual perspective that you may not like,

317
00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:56,560
Speaker 1: and you have to respect their boundaries. So notice how

318
00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:59,040
Speaker 1: boundaries work both ways. I think what we often want

319
00:18:59,119 --> 00:19:01,320
Speaker 1: is a world where it's, well, these are my boundaries.

320
00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:03,280
Speaker 1: I hope we keep to them. But then when your

321
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:07,439
Speaker 1: partner subconsciously expresses their boundaries, we can't deal with them

322
00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:09,440
Speaker 1: because we don't like them, because they're not the same

323
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:12,679
Speaker 1: as ours. And chances are your boundaries are never going

324
00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:14,800
Speaker 1: to be the same as your partners, and so we're

325
00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:17,960
Speaker 1: trying to create an environment where they're allowed to have

326
00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:20,600
Speaker 1: their ideas on certain things that are different to You're

327
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:23,439
Speaker 1: allowed to have your ideas that are different to theirs.

328
00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:26,520
Speaker 1: But just as you want respect for your boundaries, there

329
00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:30,080
Speaker 1: has to be a respect for theirs. Now. The third

330
00:19:30,160 --> 00:19:33,560
Speaker 1: is a financial boundary. A financial boundaries how you choose

331
00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:37,000
Speaker 1: to spend money, how you save, And this is where

332
00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:40,320
Speaker 1: we actually have to lead to more open, healthy conversations

333
00:19:40,359 --> 00:19:43,760
Speaker 1: when we get into a relationship, especially a committed relationship,

334
00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:47,399
Speaker 1: about other people's relationship with money. So, first of all,

335
00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:49,080
Speaker 1: I'm going to say, you should be aware of your

336
00:19:49,119 --> 00:19:52,439
Speaker 1: relationship with money, and most people are not. We're not

337
00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:55,480
Speaker 1: aware of how we want to save, invest or spend,

338
00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:59,760
Speaker 1: or waste and knowing and these are the four areas.

339
00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:02,399
Speaker 1: How much do you save every month, how much do

340
00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:05,359
Speaker 1: you spend every month? How much do you invest every month?

341
00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:07,959
Speaker 1: And how much do you waste every month? It's really

342
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:12,119
Speaker 1: important to categorize that, not to shame yourself, not to

343
00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:16,240
Speaker 1: guilt yourself, but to gain awareness. So I want you

344
00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:18,960
Speaker 1: to look at your bill this weekend, and I know

345
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:21,040
Speaker 1: it's going to be a painful activity, and I want

346
00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:23,639
Speaker 1: you to audit based on how much money you had

347
00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:26,080
Speaker 1: coming in, how much did you save, how much did

348
00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:28,960
Speaker 1: you spend, how much did you invest, and how much

349
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:31,680
Speaker 1: did you waste. Now, when you do this activity, it's

350
00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:33,600
Speaker 1: not to make you feel bad, it's to make you go, Okay, well,

351
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:35,679
Speaker 1: what do I want those numbers to look like next month?

352
00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:38,000
Speaker 1: What do I want that to look like next year?

353
00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:41,120
Speaker 1: If you do this activity by yourself, when you get

354
00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:43,919
Speaker 1: into a relationship, you'll be able to show someone this.

355
00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:47,359
Speaker 1: You'll be able to talk about it. Now that person

356
00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:50,080
Speaker 1: may not have a model, but they'll say, wow, that's amazing.

357
00:20:50,119 --> 00:20:52,440
Speaker 1: I should be doing that too. So what I find

358
00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:56,560
Speaker 1: often is that we have a financial boundary that isn't clear.

359
00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:59,520
Speaker 1: And because it's not clear for us, it can't be

360
00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:02,280
Speaker 1: clear to others. This is the same with ideas. If

361
00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:06,879
Speaker 1: we don't have well thought through, deeply meaningful understandings of

362
00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:08,760
Speaker 1: why we do what we do and why we made

363
00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:13,560
Speaker 1: that choice, it's very hard for someone else to also

364
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:17,679
Speaker 1: be able to understand that idea. So setting financial boundaries.

365
00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:22,480
Speaker 1: The fourth one is an alone time boundary. How much

366
00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:24,600
Speaker 1: alone time do you need every week? Some of you

367
00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:26,280
Speaker 1: will say none at all, Right, you want to be

368
00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:29,800
Speaker 1: around the other person, But it's so important that you

369
00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:31,760
Speaker 1: have a loane time boundary set up. I know for

370
00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:34,800
Speaker 1: me and my wife, I know that every week she

371
00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:36,679
Speaker 1: loves spending time with her friends. I love spending time

372
00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:40,359
Speaker 1: with my friends. She likes exercising with her friends. I

373
00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:43,000
Speaker 1: like working out or playing sport with some of my friends.

374
00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:45,959
Speaker 1: But recently I was talking to a friend and he

375
00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:49,920
Speaker 1: was saying how his partner doesn't want to spend time

376
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:52,720
Speaker 1: the loan and she doesn't want him to have the

377
00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:55,600
Speaker 1: time to spend alone either, And we start to see

378
00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:58,639
Speaker 1: how that becomes extremely unhealthy and at the start of

379
00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:01,680
Speaker 1: a relationship, we kind of like it sometimes that people

380
00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:04,280
Speaker 1: like when someone's obsessed with them, people like when someone's

381
00:22:04,280 --> 00:22:07,239
Speaker 1: really into them, And then after time, they're like, oh,

382
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:08,840
Speaker 1: I need a loan time, but that person got too

383
00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:11,240
Speaker 1: used to it. And I think this is the biggest

384
00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:15,840
Speaker 1: challenge I see is that we allow our partners at

385
00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:18,760
Speaker 1: the beginning of our relationships to get used to us

386
00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:23,320
Speaker 1: in an abnormal way. They get used to us in

387
00:22:23,359 --> 00:22:26,920
Speaker 1: a way that's not true to us because we position

388
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:29,520
Speaker 1: ourselves that way or we're more open, or we say

389
00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:32,320
Speaker 1: yes more or we're more available, and then as time

390
00:22:32,359 --> 00:22:35,119
Speaker 1: goes on. I found this with me and RADI, where

391
00:22:35,800 --> 00:22:42,919
Speaker 1: when we first started dating, I was very available, and slowly, slowly, slowly,

392
00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:45,800
Speaker 1: I got busier and she was like, well, wait a minute,

393
00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:47,560
Speaker 1: what's going on here? Like you know, and that was

394
00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:49,639
Speaker 1: busy because I was starting to work and I had

395
00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:52,080
Speaker 1: to build my life. It was all very natural. But

396
00:22:52,680 --> 00:22:55,280
Speaker 1: if I now was switching in that way, I would

397
00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:57,120
Speaker 1: make her aware that hey, I'm going to be really

398
00:22:57,160 --> 00:22:59,560
Speaker 1: available with this month, but then next month, I'm really

399
00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:02,960
Speaker 1: busy with the work. And the fifth and final boundary

400
00:23:03,359 --> 00:23:06,280
Speaker 1: is what I call a purpose boundary. The more you're

401
00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:09,320
Speaker 1: aware of your purpose, the more you can set it,

402
00:23:09,359 --> 00:23:11,520
Speaker 1: and the more you can express it to your partner,

403
00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:15,240
Speaker 1: the healthier it is. Because what I find is that

404
00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:18,280
Speaker 1: when you're moving in line with your purpose, it can

405
00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:21,160
Speaker 1: be very unsettling for someone else because they feel second best,

406
00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:24,600
Speaker 1: they don't feel as important. They maybe don't understand why

407
00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:27,879
Speaker 1: it's so important to you. And when you don't set

408
00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:32,640
Speaker 1: someone up with that insight early on, it just grates

409
00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:34,960
Speaker 1: on them, like it just really takes away from them.

410
00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:38,320
Speaker 1: And so when you create your purpose to help them

411
00:23:38,359 --> 00:23:42,639
Speaker 1: become aware and for you to protect your purpose, the

412
00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:45,719
Speaker 1: Vaders say, when you protect your purpose, your purpose protects you.

413
00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:48,159
Speaker 1: Most of us don't protect our purpose. We give it

414
00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:51,480
Speaker 1: away for a person, it's really important to think about.

415
00:23:52,119 --> 00:23:54,440
Speaker 1: I want to thank you for listening to today's episode.

416
00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:58,199
Speaker 1: I appreciate you so deeply. Thank you so much for

417
00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:01,679
Speaker 1: your time, your energy, your ears, and right now I

418
00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:04,760
Speaker 1: am genuinely so grateful for all your amazing love for

419
00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:07,680
Speaker 1: on Purpose. The guests had been incredible, these solos have

420
00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:10,160
Speaker 1: been awesome. Thank you for your support and love. We're

421
00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:16,080
Speaker 1: just getting started having an amazing day,