Speaker 1: Iami Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship. I spent
Speaker 1: time in a relationship with a married man. I had
Speaker 1: to learn the skills and tools required to make my
Speaker 1: relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the Rspot, a
Speaker 1: production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. I am
Speaker 1: a Yamla, your host, God facilitator, and today we are
Speaker 1: talking about your relationship with yourself. What is your relationship
Speaker 1: like with yourself? Is it good? Are you growing in?
Speaker 1: Are you learning it?
Speaker 2: Hmmm?
Speaker 1: Whatever it is we are holding, thinking, believing, feeling about
Speaker 1: who we are is going to show up in every
Speaker 1: single area of our life. And it doesn't matter whether
Speaker 1: it's good or not so good. I mean, if you
Speaker 1: look around the world today, you see people doing not
Speaker 1: so good things and getting away with it. And it's
Speaker 1: not because there's some special power in the not so good.
Speaker 1: It's because they believe what they're saying, they believe what
Speaker 1: they're thinking, and therefore their relationship with themselves, although dysfunctional
Speaker 1: as hell, it's working because they don't doubt themselves, they
Speaker 1: don't discourage themselves, they don't abandon themselves. I mean, I
Speaker 1: could go on and on and on. So before we
Speaker 1: have one more conversation about a husband or a girlfriend,
Speaker 1: or a mother or a mother in law, I want
Speaker 1: us to look at, explore, examine, investigate whether or not
Speaker 1: we are current in the relationship we're having with ourselves. Now,
Speaker 1: what do I mean by that? What do you mean current?
Speaker 1: I mean do you deal with yourself as who you
Speaker 1: are today? Or are you still handling, holding, thinking of
Speaker 1: believing about yourself things that are no longer true? And
Speaker 1: you know how I find this? I find this in
Speaker 1: the way people describe themselves. You know, I was a
Speaker 1: teenage mother, or I grew up in a foster home,
Speaker 1: or I never had parents to guide me. And what
Speaker 1: does that have to do with who you are today?
Speaker 1: Do you look at the strengths and the victories that
Speaker 1: you gain from those experiences and bring them into your
Speaker 1: current your current experiences as guideposts, as standards, as values.
Speaker 1: Are you current in your relationship with yourself? Or are
Speaker 1: you still handling yourself based on who you used to be?
Speaker 1: Oh a ah, listen, I live that one. I was
Speaker 1: still seeing myself as an ugly little girl that nobody wanted.
Speaker 1: So three divorces later, I forget I needed to clean
Speaker 1: that up. Are you current in your relationship with yourself?
Speaker 1: Do you have a relationship with yourself? You gotta be
Speaker 1: aware of that. You gotta be aware of what you
Speaker 1: do and how you do it, and well why you
Speaker 1: do it, and what you're expecting as a result of
Speaker 1: what you do. So self awareness. You got that, self awareness,
Speaker 1: self respect, self value, self worth, and finally self love.
Speaker 1: You gotta love yourself in your ugliest moments, in your
Speaker 1: weakest moments, in your craziest moments. You gotta love yourself
Speaker 1: beyond what you do. Standing naked in the mirror with
Speaker 1: your stinky breath, you gotta say, baby, I just love you.
Speaker 1: Oh you are you? Just float my boat? Honey? That's
Speaker 1: Those are the five pillers of a good relationship with
Speaker 1: yourself and growing that and building that and holding onto that.
Speaker 1: That's what you want to do. And we are so
Speaker 1: externally referenced in today's world. We're looking at the what
Speaker 1: I call the bmmes, the body, the mind, the emotion.
Speaker 1: We get stuck there and we don't really go into
Speaker 1: the divinity, the oneness, the truth of who we are
Speaker 1: from the inside out. If you want to deepen, grow, expand,
Speaker 1: strengthen your relationship with yourself, begin within. I had to
Speaker 1: have a conversation with myself yesterday. I got on my
Speaker 1: own nerves, and you get on your own nerves because
Speaker 1: you're acting so foolish. Okay. I had to have a
Speaker 1: good old conversation with myself because I have a good
Speaker 1: relationship with me. I don't always listen to me, but
Speaker 1: I do have a good relationship with me, and so
Speaker 1: I had to take myself in hand. I had to
Speaker 1: go to the mirror slack the person that showed up
Speaker 1: because I was just being ridiculous, ridiculous, Okay, not even ridiculous, ridiculous.
Speaker 1: I was just out of the box yesterday. But you know,
Speaker 1: give yourself permission to have a bad day. Give yourself
Speaker 1: permission to have a bad day, and know that you
Speaker 1: can recover. All right, you can recover. I was stuck
Speaker 1: in traffic, having an absolute hissy fit and just being
Speaker 1: crazy with myself. Couldn't move on cars, I couldn't do nothing.
Speaker 1: I was traumatized, and the ant got mad at me
Speaker 1: for being traumatized. So you got to tell the truth
Speaker 1: to yourself about yourself and love yourself anyway. Okay, listen
Speaker 1: out greetings, be loving and welcome to the art spot. Listen,
Speaker 1: we having a good conversation today. We're talking about the
Speaker 1: relationship with yourself. How are you loving you? You know
Speaker 1: that song, and I wonder who loving you? Are you
Speaker 1: loving yourself today? Beloved? Excuse my singing, I have.
Speaker 3: Not been loving on myself at all.
Speaker 1: Well, what do you tell yourself is more important than
Speaker 1: loving on you?
Speaker 3: Making sure everyone else feels loved?
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a classic story.
Speaker 1: So what's the what's the what's the thought or the
Speaker 1: belief that makes you or motivates you to make everyone
Speaker 1: else more important than you in your life? What's the story?
Speaker 3: The belief is that this is how kind of ensure
Speaker 3: that I won't be alone?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 1: What's so bad about being alone?
Speaker 4: Too?
Speaker 1: What is so canid about being alone with you?
Speaker 3: It's a scary, it's a scary feeling. I was left
Speaker 3: alone a lot when I was little. Ah, and it's scary.
Speaker 3: It feels it's too quiet, empty. Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1: So let me ask you a question. What does you
Speaker 1: being left alone as a little person have to do
Speaker 1: with who you are today? I guess Oh you think
Speaker 1: did you just being alone? Did you survive being alone
Speaker 1: by your when you were little. Did you survive that?
Speaker 1: I did? Did you learn how to entertain yourself?
Speaker 3: Yeah? Here I did.
Speaker 1: Did you learn how to keep yourself busy?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Okay, So how can that help you today in your
Speaker 1: own life? Because it's it's yes, you had that experience,
Speaker 1: but that's not current events. What are the current events
Speaker 1: in your life where you can use what you learned
Speaker 1: being alone to benefit you?
Speaker 3: And I guess like I could take that and make,
Speaker 3: you know, make moose for myself honesty. Maybe I could
Speaker 3: use it and motivate myself more to do more in
Speaker 3: life that I actually want to do it. I feel
Speaker 3: like it's so it seems hard because it feels like
Speaker 3: it's easier to focus on everyone else.
Speaker 1: Well here's here's that. That's a self respect issue. That's
Speaker 1: self respect and you have to know that you are
Speaker 1: worthy of your own time, energy, attention, and resources. That's
Speaker 1: what being alone as you're as a child, because see
Speaker 1: that's a function of neglect. Leaving a child alone is
Speaker 1: a function of neglect. So you've grown up to neglect yourself.
Speaker 1: Would that be accurate because you're not functioning with current events,
Speaker 1: so you neglect your needs you neglect your your time,
Speaker 1: your energy, your resources because you're looking at being alone
Speaker 1: as a child as a backing, a scary thing, as
Speaker 1: opposed to what it taught you that you can use
Speaker 1: to strengthen your relationship with yourself. How about this, Hey,
Speaker 1: I spent a lot of time with me and I
Speaker 1: ain't so bad. How about that?
Speaker 3: Yeah I'm not.
Speaker 1: I'm okay In building a relationship with yourself. You want
Speaker 1: to take what you've experienced and turn it to your bet,
Speaker 1: not to your detriment and staying stuck in it was scary.
Speaker 1: I was neglected, I was alone. That's not going to
Speaker 1: your benefit.
Speaker 3: I never looked at it that way. All I've just
Speaker 3: let myself be so sad and so angry about being
Speaker 3: neglected and left alone, and then scared of being left alone,
Speaker 3: left alone in my marriage, left by my children, let's right,
Speaker 3: people at work. Yeah, I've never looked at it that way.
Speaker 1: So when when we are neglected as children, you know,
Speaker 1: as children we learn by what we experience. That's that's
Speaker 1: how we learn. So when we're neglected, or when we're alone,
Speaker 1: or when we're overlooked, when we're not heard, we don't
Speaker 1: really get a good reflection of who we are. So
Speaker 1: we struggle to see who we are.
Speaker 2: We struggle.
Speaker 1: We don't see our strengths, we don't see our good
Speaker 1: points because that's not what was reflected back to us.
Speaker 1: And then we do what was done. But to come
Speaker 1: current with who you are now, think of it this way,
Speaker 1: belove it. You took care of yourself. You didn't hurt yourself,
Speaker 1: You didn't jump out the window, you didn't burn the
Speaker 1: house death. Did you do any of them things? Did
Speaker 1: you burn the house down?
Speaker 4: Up?
Speaker 1: Oh?
Speaker 4: So?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: As opposed to looking at how deep and dark and
Speaker 1: scary it was, how about how look at how resourceful
Speaker 1: I am. I was resourceful. I spent a lot of
Speaker 1: time alone as a kid. I didn't burn the house down,
Speaker 1: and I learned how to be with myself as opposed
Speaker 1: to buy myself. And I wasn't so bad. I got
Speaker 1: it done. Can you see God about yourself? Can you
Speaker 1: see that you're not so bad and that you manage
Speaker 1: the situation well as a little person?
Speaker 3: See that?
Speaker 1: So how can that help you today?
Speaker 3: It helped me to definitely have a different outlook on
Speaker 3: being with myself and putting myself first. Uh, maybe learning
Speaker 3: how to give myself more more grace and instead of
Speaker 3: or not maybe even myself, maybe just giving others more
Speaker 3: grief that the folks who left me alone. I guess
Speaker 3: I should say.
Speaker 1: Forget them and get them, forget them, forget, forgive them.
Speaker 1: I'm saying forget, forget, forgive and forget, forget what they did,
Speaker 1: and forget so that you can come current to today.
Speaker 3: Everything like you're saying and makes absolute things. I just
Speaker 3: I don't think I know where to started.
Speaker 1: We'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back
Speaker 1: to the R spot. Let's pick up where we left off.
Speaker 3: I'm still you know, every time I get a you know,
Speaker 3: a call, or every time I'm called on, it's like
Speaker 3: I have to be there because I don't want to
Speaker 3: be my mom. I don't want to be like. I
Speaker 3: don't want my children to say my mom wasn't there
Speaker 3: for me when I called her, you know, even if
Speaker 3: I don't have the capacity to help force myself too,
Speaker 3: because I don't want to be that mom.
Speaker 1: But do you understand that you are being that mom
Speaker 1: to yourself. You're abandoning yourself, You're neglecting yourself when you
Speaker 1: do things that you don't have the capacity to do
Speaker 1: or the desire to do. How old are your children?
Speaker 3: I have an eight year old and a twenty two
Speaker 3: year old.
Speaker 1: Okay, so the twenty two year old, Oh well the
Speaker 1: eight year old. Yeah, you know, they're very demanding.
Speaker 3: I feel like I'm neglecting myself. I whenever I do
Speaker 3: something against kind of my own better judgment, it's a
Speaker 3: little worse in my head and saying doing it again, doing.
Speaker 1: It again, and what are you willing to do about it?
Speaker 3: I want to stop. I want to change it. I
Speaker 3: want to put a better practice in place, because then
Speaker 3: I'm I'm tired. I'm so tired.
Speaker 1: But you have to know that you're worth it. And
Speaker 1: if you give all of your time, energy, attention and
Speaker 1: resources to other people, they will begin to feel entitled
Speaker 1: to it, and particularly children. Children feel like they are
Speaker 1: entitled to your life, so they will enjoy your life.
Speaker 1: You ain't enjoying it. I have my great grandson. He's
Speaker 1: six years old. So we sit down to eat dinner
Speaker 1: together and then he'll want something, and I found myself
Speaker 1: I'd get up and not and go get it. And
Speaker 1: then a couple of months ago, I said, I'll get
Speaker 1: it after I finish eating, but I need to well
Speaker 1: get it or you wait, You sit there, eat your dinner,
Speaker 1: but you want me to disrupt my dinner to go
Speaker 1: get you something that you need to want. No, you
Speaker 1: can have it after I'm done, because he can't enjoy
Speaker 1: my dinner more than I do. Yeah, it starts with
Speaker 1: simple little things like that, but it means recognizing. It's
Speaker 1: self awareness. You got to be aware of little things
Speaker 1: that you do that are neglectful, that are abusive, that
Speaker 1: are disrespectful to you, and then you make little changes.
Speaker 1: You have to make a commitment to yourself to do
Speaker 1: it as soon as you become aware of it. Stop
Speaker 1: putting yourself on hold. Do you know what that kind
Speaker 1: of behavior is called? What you're doing waiting for people
Speaker 1: to accept you and acknowledge you and see you and
Speaker 1: treat you the way you want to be treated. Do
Speaker 1: you know what that's called. It's called codependency for other
Speaker 1: people to accept you. Have you accepted you fully? No?
Speaker 3: Oh, I don't fully know. I don't feel like I
Speaker 3: fully know who I am. If you know, people ask
Speaker 3: you what do you like to do? And who are you?
Speaker 3: And I find that I reach for parts of my
Speaker 3: life where people have congratulated me. You're giving me accolades,
Speaker 3: and I say, oh, that's what I like to do. Well,
Speaker 3: that's who I am, instead of I don't really know
Speaker 3: how to answer that question.
Speaker 1: You know, Yeah, that's a powerful awareness. That's a powerful
Speaker 1: awareness that I don't really know who I am. I
Speaker 1: don't really know what I like. I don't really know
Speaker 1: what floats my boat. So in developing a better relationship
Speaker 1: with yourself, self awareness, self acceptance, that's the where you start.
Speaker 1: What are you good at?
Speaker 2: What are you not good at?
Speaker 1: See, I'm good at a lot of I'm not good
Speaker 1: at singing. I am not good at singing, But I
Speaker 1: know that. Now does that stop me from singing? Oh?
Speaker 1: Hell to the no. And it don't matter to me
Speaker 1: that my singing sounds bad to other people. I just
Speaker 1: try not to do because I don't want to assault
Speaker 1: people's earlobes. But at least I know that I'm bad
Speaker 1: at singing. So that's the thing, beloved, you know, getting
Speaker 1: to know yourself. Getting to record. Okay, Now, why am
Speaker 1: I doing that? Why am I getting up from my
Speaker 1: dinner to go get a six year old to catch it?
Speaker 1: Why am I doing this? I want to encourage you
Speaker 1: to look at the things that you're doing with your
Speaker 1: children with other people and as opposed to reflecting back on.
Speaker 1: I got to do this so I'm not alone. I
Speaker 1: know how to be alone. If they get upset with
Speaker 1: the eight year old, ain't going nowhere. You got another
Speaker 1: ten years with him or her the twenty two year old.
Speaker 1: Give them permission to do it for themselves so that
Speaker 1: they don't repeat your pattern.
Speaker 3: I need to. I need to let go and get
Speaker 3: more of me, give more to me.
Speaker 1: Well, as a mom, you're not gonna let go, but
Speaker 1: you can shift. You're not gonna let go, but you
Speaker 1: can shift. And don't just shift, you know, out of
Speaker 1: the clear blue, because you've trained the people in your
Speaker 1: life how to treat you and what to expect. Shift
Speaker 1: with an explanation. You know, you know what. I'm not
Speaker 1: doing that anymore. I used to do it and resent
Speaker 1: myself for doing it. So I'm not doing that anymore. Now.
Speaker 1: This is what I can do, but that I'm not
Speaker 1: doing that. Shift with an explanation. That's how you take
Speaker 1: care of yourself and teach yourself. I can't stand up
Speaker 1: for me. I am worthy of my own time, energy, resources,
Speaker 1: and I can use my voice to take care of myself. Well,
Speaker 1: you don't sound pressed.
Speaker 3: I know it's I'll admit I'm quite stubborn or I
Speaker 3: don't know that's the right thing you even say.
Speaker 1: But you're not stubborn. You're addicted to suffering because as
Speaker 1: a little person home by yourself, there was nothing you
Speaker 1: could do about it, and you suffered being alone, you
Speaker 1: suffered being afraid, you suffered being ignored, just suffered being neglected,
Speaker 1: you suffered being abused, and you became addicted. So now
Speaker 1: you're addicted to suffering. So even when something comes in
Speaker 1: to tell you this is how you can end just suffering,
Speaker 1: you're going to go right back into the addiction at home.
Speaker 3: Yeah, feels like an addiction.
Speaker 2: It is.
Speaker 3: I don't want it no more, but I can't. Yeah,
Speaker 3: I can't get away from me.
Speaker 1: You know, I haven't been able to. I haven't been
Speaker 1: in the past. I haven't been able to. Not that
Speaker 1: I can't. You can. And it's about making a conscious choice,
Speaker 1: a conscious choice, little by little, day by day, moment
Speaker 1: by moment. Start here, I am who I am, and
Speaker 1: I'm okay. Do you believe that?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 3: I do.
Speaker 1: You can choose to heal day by day, day by day,
Speaker 1: day by day.
Speaker 3: Okay, yeah, I want. I want to heal a real
Speaker 3: I do choose.
Speaker 1: It because in building a better relationship with yourself, you
Speaker 1: don't want to take on more than yourself can handle
Speaker 1: in the moment. Right now, let's just eliminate the suffer. Okay,
Speaker 1: let's recover from me. They don't even mention healing yet.
Speaker 1: Get until today and let's do you know, because in
Speaker 1: recovery they tell you to take it minute by minute,
Speaker 1: and then hour by hour, then day by day, day
Speaker 1: by day, and then two days at a time, three
Speaker 1: days at a time. You know, they don't say you recover.
Speaker 1: You get a chip for every thirty days in recovery.
Speaker 1: So let's do that. Give yourself a chip. What would
Speaker 1: your chip be if you make it through a day
Speaker 1: where you take one step to eliminate the addiction to suffering,
Speaker 1: or how you contribute to your suffering. What would be
Speaker 1: a chip? A prize that you could give yourself, what
Speaker 1: would it be?
Speaker 3: I like to dance?
Speaker 1: Okay, so could you have three minutes a day sing
Speaker 1: at the end of the day. If you get through
Speaker 1: a day where you take one step towards eliminating your suffering.
Speaker 1: Could you dance? What's your favorite song?
Speaker 3: I want to dance with somebody.
Speaker 1: Let's not do I want to dance with somebody. That's
Speaker 1: the more external validation. With another song?
Speaker 3: Oh god, okay about I.
Speaker 1: Didn't know my own strength? How about that one? Could
Speaker 1: you dance to that?
Speaker 3: Yes? I could? I could dance.
Speaker 1: So you work on that, You work on What is
Speaker 1: the little treat that I can give myself? What is
Speaker 1: the little special I will?
Speaker 3: I will work on that.
Speaker 1: Okay, thank you for calling beloved, and take good care
Speaker 1: of you. Take good care of you because you are
Speaker 1: the best thing you've got.
Speaker 3: Thank you. I will, I will Okay.
Speaker 1: Bye bye. Listen. When we're building a relationship with ourselves,
Speaker 1: the best way again back to self awareness. Become aware
Speaker 1: of the thing that you do that takes you down.
Speaker 1: Make a commitment to do a little bit each day
Speaker 1: to move beyond that behavior or to dismantle that belief.
Speaker 1: And whatever you do in that day, reward yourself for it.
Speaker 1: Reward yourself. I don't care if it's two potato chips
Speaker 1: or three chocolate of an almonds, or a dance or
Speaker 1: a gold star on the calendar. As children, I don't
Speaker 1: know if they still do it. In school, we used
Speaker 1: to get gold stars silver stars, depending upon how soon
Speaker 1: you completed your work and if you got it right,
Speaker 1: and if you give yourself a gold star if you
Speaker 1: don't have resources to spend, or put a dollar in
Speaker 1: a jar, or put the dollar in the savings account
Speaker 1: so that you can buy yourself something from just day
Speaker 1: by day. Becoming aware of what I was doing that
Speaker 1: was not serving my higher and greater goods, we got
Speaker 1: one more caller. Hang on, let's see who it is. Meetings.
Speaker 1: Be loved and welcome to the artist. I thank you
Speaker 1: for your patience. So what is it that you want
Speaker 1: to share?
Speaker 4: I want to share the relationship with myself. First, I
Speaker 4: did some self work about two and a half three
Speaker 4: years ago. I started doing for self work, and I
Speaker 4: thought I had gotten to a point where I was
Speaker 4: in a healthy relationship with myself. And then I asked
Speaker 4: God for a man, and I was very very sopisific
Speaker 4: about what I wanted in him. And God send me
Speaker 4: a man, and I forgot to ask God to have
Speaker 4: him read my mind. And I find myself in this
Speaker 4: relationship with him, and I loved him so dearly and
Speaker 4: I found myself in this relationship with him, and I'm
Speaker 4: not able to articulate always and communicate with him how
Speaker 4: I want to like. I find myself get real nervous
Speaker 4: when I feel like it may be a confrontation or
Speaker 4: it may be something that he doesn't agree with, and
Speaker 4: I get nervous. I shut down, and I don't know
Speaker 4: what you're doing. I've never been in a relationship with
Speaker 4: a man, and I have four children. I've been in
Speaker 4: I've been married, and I'm just funny help for my mama.
Speaker 1: So you have a difficulty asking for what you want?
Speaker 4: Yes?
Speaker 2: And why is that?
Speaker 1: Why is it difficult for you to ask for what
Speaker 1: you want? And the way you can identify that is
Speaker 1: just close your eyes and take a breath. It's hard
Speaker 1: for me to ask that I want.
Speaker 4: Because it's hard for me to ask for what I
Speaker 4: want because I may not like to answer again.
Speaker 2: Okay, take another breath.
Speaker 4: It's hard for me to ask for what I want
Speaker 4: because I'm not being all the way honest.
Speaker 1: How about because I don't believe I can have it.
Speaker 1: And that doesn't mean a bad relationship with yourself. It
Speaker 1: may mean that you don't trust your voice. Yeah, we'll
Speaker 1: talk about that right after this break. Welcome back to
Speaker 1: the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. I
Speaker 1: learn very early that when I ask for what I want,
Speaker 1: I get in trouble. I either upset somebody, or I
Speaker 1: get yelled at, or I get dismissed, or I get diminished.
Speaker 1: That's just an awareness. That doesn't mean that I have
Speaker 1: a bad relationship with myself. What makes me have a
Speaker 1: bad relationship with myself is not asking for what I
Speaker 1: want and then acting like I don't want it. Explain
Speaker 1: that to me, what is that?
Speaker 4: Because I never thought about thinking that I deserve what
Speaker 4: I want that I don't deserve it. I think that's
Speaker 4: probably I ask for what I want, and I got
Speaker 4: exactly what I wanted, and now I don't feel like
Speaker 4: I deserve it.
Speaker 1: Okay, And why don't you deserve it?
Speaker 4: I think it's easier to beat myself up and more familiar.
Speaker 2: Yes, And I.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's familiar to lose what I want or not
Speaker 1: have what I want. So you may be finding ways
Speaker 1: to chase this man away.
Speaker 4: Right right, And I don't want to do that.
Speaker 1: No, then don't do it.
Speaker 4: Tell me how to not do it?
Speaker 1: For what you want with no attachment to the answer.
Speaker 1: All you have to do is ask for what you want.
Speaker 1: The thing is, you've got to break the pattern. The pattern.
Speaker 1: You have to interrupt the pattern. So if the pattern
Speaker 1: is not asking for what you want, acting like you
Speaker 1: don't want it, and then becoming resentful because you didn't
Speaker 1: get it, that's the pattern. And in a good relationship
Speaker 1: with yourself, you have to be aware of your patterns
Speaker 1: and how you do, what.
Speaker 2: You do and what you get as a result.
Speaker 1: So you're saying you ask the universe for something. God
Speaker 1: source created the universe, it brought you what you want.
Speaker 1: Now you're functioning in the belief that you don't deserve it,
Speaker 1: so you'll set it up where you blow it up.
Speaker 1: You blow your life up because of not believing you
Speaker 1: deserve it. So you're aware of that. If you have
Speaker 1: a good relationship with yourself, you're aware of that. Okay,
Speaker 1: to be mindful that I'm feeling unworthy here and that
Speaker 1: you know the deceptive intelligence is going to cause me
Speaker 1: to blow this thing up. So what do I need
Speaker 1: to do? Where's that? Where's the trigger? The trigger isn't
Speaker 1: asking for what I want? So you can always say
Speaker 1: to your beloved. You know what, I'm really afraid to
Speaker 1: say this right now, but I got to ask you this,
Speaker 1: and what I want is blah blah blah. What do
Speaker 1: you want that you're not asking him?
Speaker 4: Well, he is. He's very frugal and he's very good financially.
Speaker 4: He's very good, and I'm opposite. So he came. He
Speaker 4: came in. First of all, we had this world romance.
Speaker 4: We met and we've been together ever since the day
Speaker 4: that we met. And it's so seven months in. I
Speaker 4: have a beautiful, engaging ring where I'm perfect. I mean,
Speaker 4: everything is perfect, but because.
Speaker 1: Wait, wait a minute, that's not true. Everything is perfect
Speaker 1: and you haven't shown up fully in the relationship by
Speaker 1: not asking for what you want. That's not true that
Speaker 1: everything is perfect. Ideally we talking about reality.
Speaker 4: Reality, and I don't you know he is he I
Speaker 4: don't ask, I don't ask for allowance. I feel like
Speaker 4: I should have money to do whatever I want, and
Speaker 4: he feels like I'm not good with money, so I
Speaker 4: don't need money to do it whatever I want to
Speaker 4: do with So I'm having trouble asking him, like, how
Speaker 4: do we how do we go forward with me having
Speaker 4: a certain amount of money that just I can do
Speaker 4: whatever I want to do with.
Speaker 1: All right, so my ears are now it's you made
Speaker 1: my ears itch. Are you financially dependent upon him or
Speaker 1: do you have your own money? Oh?
Speaker 4: I have my own money.
Speaker 1: So then what do you mean you got to ask
Speaker 1: him for an allowance?
Speaker 4: Oh well, then let me give you. Let me give
Speaker 4: you the background. So I had a lot of debt
Speaker 4: and he's helping me pay the debt. My debt to
Speaker 4: my income ratio is not I don't make enough money
Speaker 4: to pay the debt. I'm not responsible for any household responsibility.
Speaker 4: He takes care of all of those needs, and he's
Speaker 4: paying my debt. He's paying my debt off rapidly, so
Speaker 4: my debt will be probably gone in June and moving
Speaker 4: forward past June, I want to know, like, well, I
Speaker 4: have money to just have like an allowance, like to
Speaker 4: blow And he's like, you don't need money. You're irresponsible
Speaker 4: with money. You got to learn responsibility. You got to
Speaker 4: be disciplined with your money. And I get that. I worked,
Speaker 4: so there should be money that I could just do
Speaker 4: whatever I want to do with.
Speaker 1: Let me let me just see if I got this
Speaker 1: help me, because like I said, my ear is an interest.
Speaker 1: You are a working woman who can spell her name
Speaker 1: and tie her shoes, and you asking somebody else what
Speaker 1: you can and can't do with your money seven months in? Really,
Speaker 1: is that what I am? I hearing you say that, Oh,
Speaker 1: there's it too much brandy in my deep.
Speaker 4: You heard me correct?
Speaker 1: Oh, my lord, help me gouge my eye out with
Speaker 1: a plastic spoon. Gouge my eye out with a plastic spoon.
Speaker 1: And I understand that he's paying supporting you in the
Speaker 1: elimination of debt. I understand that, And I understand that
Speaker 1: in the past you've made some poor choices and bad
Speaker 1: decisions regarding money. But how will you ever know that
Speaker 1: you're healed if you don't have money to manage in
Speaker 1: a better.
Speaker 4: Way My sentiments exactly. And so when I presented it
Speaker 4: to him, initially, the word choice that I used to
Speaker 4: do whatever I want to do with that sounded irresponsible
Speaker 4: to him. I work, I don't should not have to
Speaker 4: explain to you what I'm going to do. This is
Speaker 4: my money that I can do whatever I want to do,
Speaker 4: to buy a snicker bar or whatever I want to do.
Speaker 1: Why not? Why can't you take one hundred dollars fifty
Speaker 1: dollars seventy five dollars. If you can't have an open,
Speaker 1: honest conversation about that, how are you How can you
Speaker 1: say everything is perfect? And why can't you say listen,
Speaker 1: this is what I'm doing because I've learned my lesson.
Speaker 1: I'm keeping one hundred dollars as my mad money. I'm
Speaker 1: keeping one hundred dollars. If I got to pay twenty
Speaker 1: dollars less on this debt, I'll do that, but I'm
Speaker 1: going to have one hundred dollars.
Speaker 2: That's what I'm doing.
Speaker 4: But I agree with you. I'm going to present that
Speaker 4: to him like that. I'm going to take one hundred
Speaker 4: dollars fifty dollars every two weeks to do with whatever period.
Speaker 1: But see, you're making this about him and what's off
Speaker 1: in your relationship with yourself that's creating this. He doesn't
Speaker 1: trust you with money, but you don't trust you with money,
Speaker 1: and you're getting so overwhelmed or you know, taking her
Speaker 1: back by the fact that the debt is being paid off.
Speaker 1: The debt's being paid off with your money. So if
Speaker 1: he doesn't trust you with money, beloved, you don't trust
Speaker 1: you with money. And you're still beating yourself up about
Speaker 1: the mistakes that you made in the past and avoiding
Speaker 1: the responsibility of proving that you've changed. You've changed. See,
Speaker 1: I come from the old school. Forgive me. I come
Speaker 1: from the old school. My grandmama told me every woman
Speaker 1: she needs a set of china, she needs a change
Speaker 1: of underwear, and she needs the low money stashed somewhere
Speaker 1: that nobody don't know about but her. Do you trust
Speaker 1: yourself with your own money?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Well, see that's what he's reflecting back to you. First
Speaker 1: of all, all of this is about lack of limitation.
Speaker 1: That's why people do bad things with money, and they
Speaker 1: overspend and they go into debt and credit cards and
Speaker 1: and all of that stuff because they're moving from lacking
Speaker 1: limitation what they don't have. What are you lacking? What
Speaker 1: do you tell yourself that you're lacking? You don't know enough,
Speaker 1: You're stupid, you don't have enough luck, I don't know.
Speaker 2: You have to understand that.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I am financially responsible now, but I guess I'm
Speaker 4: trying to prove myself, and it's just I don't have
Speaker 4: to prove myself.
Speaker 1: But you got a couple of things that you really
Speaker 1: want to look at here. Number one. So you had
Speaker 1: all of this debt and this angel has come in
Speaker 1: to support you in clearing the debt because you didn't
Speaker 1: believe you could do it on your own. And you're
Speaker 1: giving all the credit to the angel and not to you.
Speaker 1: You're not taking any of the credit for yourself. Because
Speaker 1: you've done this for seven months. You've surrendered to the process.
Speaker 1: What if you learned. You've learned how to manage money better,
Speaker 1: You've learned how to make your priorities. These are the
Speaker 1: things that the Angel has come and taught you. But
Speaker 1: you don't have to be holding to the damn angel.
Speaker 1: Let me tell you this is my This is straight
Speaker 1: up my quilting fabric story. Okay, do you know about
Speaker 1: my quilting fabric?
Speaker 2: Okay, let me tell you so.
Speaker 1: I never really had a lot of debt, but I
Speaker 1: never had no money. Nobody, I didn't have nothing. I
Speaker 1: didn't have no debt because I believe in cash, cash
Speaker 1: and carry. If I can't afford it in the moment,
Speaker 1: I'm not buying it. But when I started quilting, I
Speaker 1: had an addiction to the Quilton fabric.
Speaker 2: It used to be scrapbooking. Now it's quilting.
Speaker 1: So I would be buying quilting fabric and then I'd
Speaker 1: get the credit card bills and I just want to
Speaker 1: throw myself naked in the middle of the road and
Speaker 1: drink vodka straight out the bottle because I'm like, what
Speaker 1: in the world are you doing? So I had to
Speaker 1: put myself on restriction, not because of anything other than
Speaker 1: in my relationship with myself. I was doing something that
Speaker 1: was hurting me. So I had to put myself on restriction.
Speaker 1: I need nobody to tell me that I had to
Speaker 1: do it, And because I loved me and I don't
Speaker 1: like to worry and have anxiety, that's what I did.
Speaker 1: So I would put myself on restriction. But even on restriction,
Speaker 1: I said, you got fifty dollars a month, you can
Speaker 1: spend on quoting fact. That's it. Cannot spend no more
Speaker 1: than fifty dollars a month. Okay, Well that didn't work
Speaker 1: too well. So I had to go back in and
Speaker 1: I had to say, Okay, why are you what? What's
Speaker 1: what the quoting fact? What are you doing? You know?
Speaker 1: And there was a void, there was a hold, there
Speaker 1: was something that I was missing, and I found out
Speaker 1: it was my relationship with my daughter, you know. And
Speaker 1: so I said to you, okay, you got to heal
Speaker 1: up that that so that you're not trying to avoid
Speaker 1: with the money, with the with the thing with the
Speaker 1: quilt fab So I did that, and as I got
Speaker 1: better in my relationship with my daughter, the need to
Speaker 1: buy the quilt and fabric diminished. It didn't go away,
Speaker 1: it diminished. So I gave myself one hundred dollars a month.
Speaker 1: I gave myself one hundred dollars that I could spend,
Speaker 1: you know, because I improved the relationship. And then you know,
Speaker 1: it just kind of went away. And then I found
Speaker 1: myself doing it again, and I was like, what are
Speaker 1: you doing? Okay, so I had to sit down with
Speaker 1: myself and I had to say, okay, what is going
Speaker 1: on here? And you know what it was. It was
Speaker 1: something so simple. I just liked the pretty colors. I
Speaker 1: like the colors, so I have to give myself permission
Speaker 1: to like it, but also discipline myself. So here's my
Speaker 1: question to you about him, about you, what is the
Speaker 1: spending of the money about Heal that up and learn
Speaker 1: that you can be trusted and give yourself parameters. Give
Speaker 1: yourself a container, a structure. If it's one hundred dollars
Speaker 1: a paycheck, fine, but you can't go over that. And
Speaker 1: if you do, then you don't get to throw yourself
Speaker 1: on the railroad track. You can get to say, Okay,
Speaker 1: what is this taking me over this hundred dollars a month?
Speaker 1: And that's about you beloved in your relationship with you,
Speaker 1: not with him, because you don't want to be beholden
Speaker 1: to anybody about this healing that you've created for yourself.
Speaker 1: You created him, you attracted him, you brought him into
Speaker 1: your life. He's serving a purpose and you love him,
Speaker 1: he loves you. You all are going to get married,
Speaker 1: but you but you got to be able to have
Speaker 1: a complete conversation and on this conversation. Does that make
Speaker 1: sense to you?
Speaker 4: Right? It makes sense?
Speaker 1: Yeah, don't abdicate your responsibility to do your healing work
Speaker 1: in your relationship with yourself. And if you don't trust
Speaker 1: you with money, he will never trust you with money.
Speaker 1: And when you build that relationship between you and money,
Speaker 1: what is your relationship with money? That's the next show
Speaker 1: we're going to do. What's your relationship with Bunny? And
Speaker 1: most important of all, in this relationship with him, and
Speaker 1: I'm not losing sight of the fact it's easier to
Speaker 1: beat yourself up. That's also something that you got to
Speaker 1: work on so that you don't blow this relationship up,
Speaker 1: so that you have see that's what I did.
Speaker 2: I did.
Speaker 1: He was a good man and he helped me get
Speaker 1: out of dead and I blew the money whatever. Heal
Speaker 1: up that stuff and you learn to trust yourself. Become
Speaker 1: current in your relationship with yourself. Who are you today?
Speaker 1: Who are you as a spiritual warrior? Who are you
Speaker 1: as a full grown woman and her big panties with
Speaker 1: a man who honors, loves and respects her. Who are you?
Speaker 1: You're not a little girl waiting for daddy. You're not
Speaker 1: a irresponsible with money. Come current in the truth of
Speaker 1: who you are today, and behave accordingly. Behave accordingly.
Speaker 4: Absolutely. I just need to see hear my mama, tell
Speaker 4: me that's who I am. I'm a powerful creator. That's
Speaker 4: who I am, and I emagesty, I emagency, and I
Speaker 4: know who I am and I need.
Speaker 1: To walk in Okay, there you go, all right, bye,
Speaker 1: I ain't talking to you no more. Yeah, you know,
Speaker 1: we will talk ourselves out of it. Too much mind.
Speaker 1: I love that line from the Last Samurai. He was
Speaker 1: fighting learning the martial arts with one of the Samurai warriors,
Speaker 1: and the young boy said to him, too much mind.
Speaker 1: In our relationship with ourselves, sometimes we have too much mind.
Speaker 1: Remember what happened and what we didn't do, and what
Speaker 1: they did and what they should have done. But come current,
Speaker 1: be current. Who am I today? What am I doing
Speaker 1: right now? What do I feel right now? Respect yourself
Speaker 1: enough to be aware of who you are now. You've
Speaker 1: read a book, you took a class, you saw a podcast,
Speaker 1: you listen to somebody. Take that information and act on
Speaker 1: it in your relationship with yourself right now, and stop
Speaker 1: worrying about what didn't happen or what you did yesterday,
Speaker 1: what you did last week. Well, I can say I
Speaker 1: haven't bought no quilting material because I was minding my business.
Speaker 2: Y'll, you know how to.
Speaker 1: Stuff pop up on the side of your computer. There
Speaker 1: was quilting fabric and the name of the collection was Beloved. Okay,
Speaker 1: I pop right up in my computer. Now you know
Speaker 1: I had to buy that. I had to because the
Speaker 1: name of the line of fabric was called Beloved. So
Speaker 1: hear what I did you know when you buy quilting fabric,
Speaker 1: you can buy a bundle, you can buy a charm pack,
Speaker 1: you can buy a jelly roll. These are all the
Speaker 1: different ways that the fabric is cut. I had to
Speaker 1: buy Beloved, but I didn't have to buy the most
Speaker 1: expensive one, so I bought it. I bought the middle one,
Speaker 1: one that costs forty dollars, not the one that costs
Speaker 1: ninety seven. Because in my relationship with myself, I want
Speaker 1: to honor myself not also want to identify and stop
Speaker 1: the ways I contribute to myself. What is your relationship
Speaker 1: with yourself? Are you aware of yourself? Do you respect yourself?
Speaker 1: Do you value yourself? You honor your worth?
Speaker 2: And do you love yourself?
Speaker 1: Begin within work on those things. I hope that you
Speaker 1: know something now that you didn't know when you tuned in.
Speaker 1: And until we meet again, stay in peace and not pieces.
Speaker 1: The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in
Speaker 1: partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
Speaker 1: your favorite shows.