Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central. Welcome Love to the day Show.
Speaker 1: I am your host, John Stewart. This is the third episode.
Speaker 2: This is my third episode.
Speaker 1: The first two very controversial. A lot of discourse.
Speaker 3: Around it, a lot of carping back and forth, a
Speaker 3: lot of anger, a lot of commentary.
Speaker 1: Tonight, I'm done with it.
Speaker 3: Tonight is perhaps in a moose boush, a trifle something light.
Speaker 3: Tonight we discussed Israel Palace. Are we.
Speaker 1: He wrote this?
Speaker 3: Well, I legally have to read what's in the prompter.
Speaker 3: So here we go. We're gonna take a look in
Speaker 3: our new and probably never ending segment.
Speaker 1: Yeah, somehow the audience knew. But tonight.
Speaker 3: We discuss Israel Palestine.
Speaker 1: You EXCISSI on the Israel of houns. That is nothing
Speaker 1: to do it, So justify all the actions of yourself.
Speaker 1: Mentions the mouth of the field.
Speaker 4: Codemous, be not mean.
Speaker 2: We don't codemn homunts.
Speaker 5: Don't listen to the segment if you're presupposed to sences
Speaker 5: of mowais on feet, comsidefects, dicussing the least our press, anxiety,
Speaker 5: infections of the pair and the m and crave humss.
Speaker 1: Well, folks, this is an awful situation.
Speaker 3: We're coming off on five months of a brutal bombing
Speaker 3: campaign brought on by a horrific massacre and hostage taking,
Speaker 3: and we seem no closer to ending anything but the
Speaker 3: reigns of a couple of Ivy League presidents. Well, this
Speaker 3: weekend Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin netanya who finally laid out
Speaker 3: his plan for.
Speaker 6: Peace, Benjamin Netanyah, who is calling for complete demilitarization of
Speaker 6: Gaza as well as Israel taking over security and controlling
Speaker 6: entry and exit points to Gaza.
Speaker 3: So your peace plan is a siege, a military sege.
Speaker 3: You really think a military solution ends this cycle?
Speaker 4: Victory is within reach and you can't have victory until
Speaker 4: you eliminate Kamas.
Speaker 3: But okay, but your plan to eliminate Hamas by destroying
Speaker 3: all of Gaza, doesn't.
Speaker 1: That just make more Hamasis? Is that the plural of us?
Speaker 3: HUMMUSI? I mean it's an idea. Palciti liberation is an
Speaker 3: idea unless you have a bomb that kills ideas? Do
Speaker 3: you have a bomb that kills ideas? I mean, how
Speaker 3: long would it even take to bomb the shit out
Speaker 3: of an idea?
Speaker 4: The intense phase of the fighting is weeks away from completion,
Speaker 4: not months weeks away from completion.
Speaker 3: Oh, dear God, if you insist on this plan, if
Speaker 3: you think that ends hamas, I believe, we in the
Speaker 3: United States have a banner you can use. It's a
Speaker 3: little wind damaged, but equally delusional. Look, the United States
Speaker 3: is Israel's closest ally, Israel's big brother in the Fraternity
Speaker 3: of Nations, Israel's work emergency contact. Maybe it's time for
Speaker 3: the US to give Israel some tough moral love.
Speaker 2: This is shameful.
Speaker 7: There has to be accountability for these war crimes.
Speaker 2: No targeting civilians in war.
Speaker 8: Stop the war crimes and the atrocities, and end the
Speaker 8: war today.
Speaker 7: It could happen right now.
Speaker 1: Right now, thank you. These atrocities.
Speaker 3: So I'm being told the administration was talking about Russia
Speaker 3: bombing Ukraine. I apologize, also a war crime. But I'm
Speaker 3: sure they're giving equally stern advice to Israel.
Speaker 5: The Bide administration is urging Israel to be much more careful,
Speaker 5: to be more cautious.
Speaker 3: How Israel does this matters.
Speaker 1: Israel must do more to protect innocent civilians.
Speaker 7: We want to see the government of Israel take steps
Speaker 7: to minimize civilian harm.
Speaker 1: Be more surgical and more precise, and more careful.
Speaker 3: He Israel darker Durner nurse, could you please be more
Speaker 3: careful with your bombing.
Speaker 1: It's good advice, but really couldn't the.
Speaker 3: United States have told Israel that when we gave them
Speaker 3: all the bombs, when there are bombs, this is like
Speaker 3: your coke dealer coming in with an eight ball and going,
Speaker 3: don't stay up all night.
Speaker 1: Don't sleep is very important. You gotta sleep, you.
Speaker 2: Don't wanna, and breakfast is an important part of the day.
Speaker 3: So look, the Israeli position doesn't seem so tenable. Perhaps
Speaker 3: I can find some diplomatic leeway in the Hamas position.
Speaker 2: Israel is a country that has no place on your land.
Speaker 8: You must remove that country.
Speaker 7: Does that mean the annihilation of Israel?
Speaker 3: Yes, of course I cannot find diplomatic leeway in the
Speaker 3: Hamas position. Well, this is when we need the world,
Speaker 3: the civilized world of nations, to come together and stop
Speaker 3: this madness.
Speaker 8: A resolution calling for an immediate cease firing Gaza has
Speaker 8: just failed to pass.
Speaker 2: Are You in Security Council drop resolution throughout aid delivery
Speaker 2: has been.
Speaker 9: Vetoed, Russia and China used their veto against an American
Speaker 9: resolution condemning Helmas.
Speaker 2: The immediate ceasfiring in Gaza has failed. Western Nations voted
Speaker 2: against it. It was delayed four times.
Speaker 4: This week draft resolution has not been adopted.
Speaker 1: Why do you even have a freaking building?
Speaker 3: Why? Why do you we can use that, we have
Speaker 3: a housing crisis.
Speaker 1: Give us building right?
Speaker 3: What is what is the United Nations even?
Speaker 6: What?
Speaker 1: Are you just a support system for a diverse.
Speaker 2: Pleasing food court.
Speaker 1: What are you.
Speaker 3: That cannot be the UN's food court? By the way,
Speaker 3: that is that is clearly just the mall in Long Island.
Speaker 3: Doesn't anyone care about the suffering of all these civilians?
Speaker 3: What about a good neighbor? Saudi Arabia and notally.
Speaker 1: The Palestinian cause is the air world's most import cause.
Speaker 3: I want to see a good life for the Pedestinians.
Speaker 3: Thank you, Saudi Ara, thank you. And while Saudi Arabia
Speaker 3: does not accept Palestinian refugees and Egypt doesn't either for
Speaker 3: that matter, the Saudis are the richest country in the
Speaker 3: region and they've given.
Speaker 1: This can't be right?
Speaker 3: On average about two hundred million dollars a year to
Speaker 3: the Palestinians.
Speaker 1: Jesus, are you kidding me?
Speaker 3: The Saudis have given just as much money to Phil Mickelson.
Speaker 3: Is that true?
Speaker 1: I assume, I assume.
Speaker 3: To promote the equally important cause of the Nickelsonian people.
Speaker 3: So Israel, the United States, the United Nations, the Arab nations.
Speaker 3: No one seems to be incentivized to stop the suffering
Speaker 3: of the innocent people in this region. I didn't want
Speaker 3: to bring this up, but there is another player, small
Speaker 3: religious startup out of Bethlehem. I think it might have
Speaker 3: begun as a carpenter's union, but has gotten big. Did
Speaker 3: they have a plan for the Middle East?
Speaker 10: There will be the Battle of Armageddon. Jesus Christ is
Speaker 10: going to sweep over that battle field and to annihilate
Speaker 10: that army of two hundred million people.
Speaker 1: The blood will float the bridle of a horse.
Speaker 3: So that's the plan for the principiece.
Speaker 1: Is that all?
Speaker 3: I am not in a questrian expert, but if the
Speaker 3: blood goes all the way to the.
Speaker 11: Bridle, that's an enormous amount of blood. Unless are we
Speaker 11: talking about the mini horses, because that's still it's a
Speaker 11: lot of blood, but more manageable and adorable, but I
Speaker 11: think I think we have to get real here.
Speaker 3: The status quo cycle of provocation and retribution is predicated
Speaker 3: on some idea that one of these groups is going
Speaker 3: to go away, and they are not. If we want
Speaker 3: a safe and free Israel and a safe and free Palestine,
Speaker 3: we have to recognize that reality. And I know that
Speaker 3: there is a twisted and much contested history in the
Speaker 3: region that has brought us to this point. But we
Speaker 3: are at this point and anything we do from here
Speaker 3: has to look forward. So tonight, lucky you, I'm going
Speaker 3: to do that with not one, not two, but three
Speaker 3: Solutions for peace.
Speaker 10: Number one, Along the shores of Pleasant Lake in Maine,
Speaker 10: ninety five Israeli and Palestinian teams are trading rockets.
Speaker 3: For rackets, not The goal of Seeds of Peace is
Speaker 3: to open these young minds. Okay, that one hasn't been
Speaker 3: scaled up yet and may take longer than we have
Speaker 3: unless we just bring the whole region to Maine. How
Speaker 3: fast can we make fourteen million rackets?
Speaker 1: But that's just my opening offer. That was just one
Speaker 1: peach plant. People don't abandon me yet.
Speaker 11: No.
Speaker 1: Two, Let's just ask God. It's his house. He's the
Speaker 1: one who started all this. Just ask God. He can
Speaker 1: tell us who is right?
Speaker 3: Is it the Jews? Is it the Muslims? Is it
Speaker 3: the Zoroastrians? If it's the scientologists, a lot of us
Speaker 3: are gonna have egg on our faces. But given God's
Speaker 3: lack of communication over this past, let's say millennia. All right,
Speaker 3: here's another one, and heaven forbid, I actually think this
Speaker 3: last one could work, starting now, no preconditions, no earned us,
Speaker 3: no partners for peace. Israel stops bombing Hamas, releases the hostages.
Speaker 3: The Arab countries who claim Palestine as their top priority
Speaker 3: come in and form a demilitarized zone between Israel and
Speaker 3: a free Palestinian state, the Saudist Egypt, UAE Cutter Jordan.
Speaker 3: They all form like a NATO arrangement, guaranteeing security for
Speaker 3: both sides. Obviously, they won't call it NATO. It's the
Speaker 3: Middle East Treaty Organization.
Speaker 1: It's me too. It's let's sweet it out me too, tonight.
Speaker 3: People, let's get this region me too. Now. Obviously I
Speaker 3: have not worked out the exact verbiage, but anything is
Speaker 3: better than the cluster cycle we have now, because honestly,
Speaker 3: what is the alternative.
Speaker 10: The trump of God sounds and the rapture happened. We're
Speaker 10: gone in the twinkling of a nine, which is simply
Speaker 10: not here.
Speaker 2: Poof Indeed, Sir.
Speaker 7: Poof, Indeed, Let's kick things off with an update on
Speaker 7: the war in the Middle East. With the situation increasingly desperate,
Speaker 7: the world has been looking to the United States for
Speaker 7: a way forward, and yesterday President Joe Biden had some
Speaker 7: good news, although he delivered it in the most Joe
Speaker 7: Biden way possible.
Speaker 10: Can you give us a second way?
Speaker 8: You think that he finally.
Speaker 10: Started, Well, I hope by the beginning of the weekend,
Speaker 10: I mean the end of the weekend at least my
Speaker 10: not security advisor tells me that we're close.
Speaker 4: We're closer.
Speaker 7: Not the most dignified way to deliver a world changing news.
Speaker 7: It does remind me of the photo of Obama's team
Speaker 7: watching that bin ladenrad while making balloon animals. Now, in
Speaker 7: Joe Biden's defense, he had the ice cream first. It's
Speaker 7: not like they asked him about Gaza and he said,
Speaker 7: hold on, if we're going to talk.
Speaker 2: About war, I got to get a mint ship.
Speaker 7: No, he was in an ice cream store about to
Speaker 7: eat ice cream and some reporter jumped in and said,
Speaker 7: what about Gaza. This is why I don't think we
Speaker 7: should have a free press personally, I don't think anyone
Speaker 7: should be asked about Israel Palestine while.
Speaker 2: They're eating ice cream. I thought that was like an
Speaker 2: unwritten rule.
Speaker 7: I'm holding a tiny cylinder topped with a giant, misshapen
Speaker 7: dairy blob that immediately starts melting on all sides. I've
Speaker 7: got one tiny little napkin. For some reason, you think
Speaker 7: Israel Palestine is a crisis. I'm dealing with something here.
Speaker 2: I'll tell you what.
Speaker 7: If I was a politician, I would always have an
Speaker 7: ice cream with me, just to cram in my mouth
Speaker 7: in case I got asked about Israel Palestine. It's not
Speaker 7: a good strategy for Mitch McConnell, though, that guy already.
Speaker 2: Has brain freeze Kobe.
Speaker 7: Now, despite Biden's prediction, both of US and Israel say
Speaker 7: they're not actually close to a ceasefire. But I'm not
Speaker 7: surprised that Biden was so optimistic. When you're holding a
Speaker 7: freshly scooped ice cream.
Speaker 2: Cone, everything feels like it's gonna be okay.
Speaker 7: That's why it's the official food of telling your kid
Speaker 7: you're getting a divorce.
Speaker 2: Ice cream. It is your fault, kiddo.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 7: So I don't blame Biden for talking about that stuff
Speaker 7: while he was eating ice cream.
Speaker 2: What I do blame him for is why does he
Speaker 2: open his mouth so early in the process.
Speaker 7: I don't know about you, but I typically open my
Speaker 7: mouth when the food gets there.
Speaker 2: A lot of prep time. And he did one other
Speaker 2: thing that I found pretty disturbing. That is, we've got
Speaker 2: name shed dude. The sneeze guard is there for a reason.
Speaker 7: Republicans are right, Biden doesn't really respect borders. Impeach, impeach,
Speaker 7: although I will say I am impressed by how flexible
Speaker 7: his shoulders are.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I didn't think he could do that based on
Speaker 2: what I've.
Speaker 7: Heard from John Stewart, you would think his arms would
Speaker 7: just fall right off. Well, let's move on to the
Speaker 7: other side of the aisle, because over the weekend, Republicans
Speaker 7: gathered for Seapack, the Conservative Political Action Conference. It's like
Speaker 7: Woodstock for people who hate anybody who went to Woodstock.
Speaker 2: And if you think the whole.
Speaker 7: Weekend was just them saying that Trump really won the
Speaker 7: twenty twenty election, no no, no, no no.
Speaker 2: They were also singing it. Does anyone have any Molly?
Speaker 2: I want to overdose.
Speaker 7: If the lyrics are too subtle for you. I like
Speaker 7: how her dress gets the point across what she's saying. Oh,
Speaker 7: I see Trump one.
Speaker 2: But look. Seapac isn't just the best rock concert of
Speaker 2: all time.
Speaker 7: It's also an important way to find out what the
Speaker 7: current conservative priorities are. And based on the titles of
Speaker 7: this weekend's panel discussions, it's going to be a fun.
Speaker 8: Year Seapack twenty twenty four. Where globalism goes to die,
Speaker 8: Ladies and gentlemen.
Speaker 2: Does Congress even matter?
Speaker 1: Would Moses go to Harvard?
Speaker 2: What you're talking about?
Speaker 8: Fanny willis shooting from the hip, going full hunger stopping.
Speaker 8: Georgie Soros survival uncanceled. God loves Justice, God's children are
Speaker 8: not for sale. Babies are us putting our heads in
Speaker 8: the gas stove.
Speaker 7: Seems like you guys might be inhaling some fumes already. Now,
Speaker 7: it's always good to have panels that sound like categories
Speaker 7: if Jeopardy had a mental breakdown.
Speaker 2: Let's move on to some economic news.
Speaker 7: Traditionally, Americans have eaten food at breakfast, lunch, and dinner,
Speaker 7: but soon that's going to cost you.
Speaker 9: Wendy's, the country's second largest burger chain with six thousand locations,
Speaker 9: announcing that starting next year, menu prices will fluctuate during
Speaker 9: the busiest times of day, meaning you could be paying
Speaker 9: as much as a dollar more for that baconator during
Speaker 9: the lunch rush. Wendy's CEO announcing his company will spend
Speaker 9: twenty million dollars on high tech digital menu boards that
Speaker 9: can update prices in real time. Wendy's telling ABC News
Speaker 9: in a statement that the decision can allow them to
Speaker 9: motivate customers to visit and provide them with the food
Speaker 9: they love at a great value.
Speaker 2: Shut the fi. I mean, whoa, You're providing me with
Speaker 2: food I love at a great value.
Speaker 7: Don't you hate when companies try to pretend they're not
Speaker 7: squeezing every dollar out of us?
Speaker 2: Just tell me you want all my money, dude, Okay,
Speaker 2: don't take my wallet and be like this is good
Speaker 2: for both of us.
Speaker 7: But yeah, it looks like Wendy's is going to charge
Speaker 7: more during the most popular times. And they call this
Speaker 7: dynamic pricing or whatever, but really, this is just another
Speaker 7: tax on people who hate themselves and don't know how
Speaker 7: to cook, although this will be good for guys looking
Speaker 7: to impress girls. Hey you want to go to Wendy's
Speaker 7: during the lunch rush?
Speaker 1: Ooh all right?
Speaker 2: Playah, Well, let's face facts. This is the way of
Speaker 2: the future.
Speaker 7: Airlines and hotels and Uber already do this, And if
Speaker 7: Wendy's pulls this off, there's no reason why every restaurant, hell,
Speaker 7: every place of business won't be using surge pricing. Soon
Speaker 7: the emergency room will be like, look, you didn come
Speaker 7: back at two am. Fixing those stab wounds will be
Speaker 7: a lot cheaper. So if you agree with me that
Speaker 7: this has to stop, there's only one natural conclusion. You
Speaker 7: need to burn down a Wendy's right now, and you
Speaker 7: also need to say it was your idea.
Speaker 2: That's important.
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Speaker 1: This has been a Comedy Central podcast.
Speaker 8: Yew