WEBVTT - Grocery Store Flowers 0:00:01.920 --> 0:00:05.359 Wind Down with Jana Kramer and I'm Heeart Radio Podcast. 0:00:06.800 --> 0:00:11.280 Hi guys, Hi, Hello Janet, Hello Catherine. 0:00:11.360 --> 0:00:11.559 Hi. 0:00:14.440 --> 0:00:16.840 We had so much fun last week. So many people 0:00:16.880 --> 0:00:21.560 were laughing saying they were like dying in their car. 0:00:22.200 --> 0:00:26.880 It was fun. Oh remember what happened last week by accident? 0:00:27.640 --> 0:00:34.560 We were she found something on my text message. 0:00:32.840 --> 0:00:33.640 That was fun. 0:00:34.400 --> 0:00:37.080 Was my husband's response, Oh yeah, so listen to this. 0:00:37.360 --> 0:00:40.159 So we go out. We had a double date last night. 0:00:40.440 --> 0:00:44.680 It was Ian Catherine and her husband Nick, and so 0:00:46.360 --> 0:00:49.279 Nick goes, I just need to bring something up at 0:00:49.280 --> 0:00:51.600 the dinner table. He goes, I feel very left out 0:00:52.720 --> 0:00:55.440 that I'm the only one that's not seen Ian's penis. 0:00:58.880 --> 0:01:01.200 He had no idea until he listened. He saw like 0:01:01.240 --> 0:01:03.000 my little teaser on my thing and he was like, 0:01:03.000 --> 0:01:05.720 wait what. So he went listened. He came home, He's like, 0:01:05.840 --> 0:01:07.720 so you saw Ian's thing. 0:01:08.080 --> 0:01:10.440 I was like, yeah, did you say packer? Yeah? He 0:01:10.480 --> 0:01:13.680 said packer. I don't know if we can use that word. Yeah. 0:01:13.840 --> 0:01:18.959 That was so that's that's been like a running joke. 0:01:19.000 --> 0:01:22.080 And so at dinner last night, you know, I was 0:01:22.160 --> 0:01:25.360 like we were all laughing about it. Nick felt very 0:01:25.400 --> 0:01:25.720 left out. 0:01:25.760 --> 0:01:28.000 It was like when it's brought up like at the 0:01:28.000 --> 0:01:28.559 dinner table. 0:01:28.600 --> 0:01:30.039 I was like, I can't look at him, Like you 0:01:30.040 --> 0:01:31.880 can't look at Ian when we're talking about it. 0:01:31.920 --> 0:01:35.600 You know, it's very uncomfortable. Can't get that angle out 0:01:35.600 --> 0:01:36.000 of your head. 0:01:36.120 --> 0:01:38.000 No is he is? He in fine with it. He 0:01:38.040 --> 0:01:39.240 thinks it's all fun and games. 0:01:39.880 --> 0:01:40.080 Yeah. 0:01:40.120 --> 0:01:42.080 I mean he's like he thinks. 0:01:41.840 --> 0:01:43.040 I love a confident guy. 0:01:43.240 --> 0:01:43.440 Yeah. 0:01:43.520 --> 0:01:46.600 He goes when I was like a podcasting to get 0:01:46.640 --> 0:01:50.640 today and he goes, have fun. You know, like what 0:01:51.120 --> 0:01:53.280 he says something like go go laugh or have fun, 0:01:53.400 --> 0:01:57.000 Like he doesn't mind that we kind of crack jokes 0:01:57.080 --> 0:01:59.920 or good because it's like he knows it's all in fun. 0:02:00.040 --> 0:02:02.120 And he you know, he said, it's it's nice to 0:02:02.120 --> 0:02:04.520 hear you laugh. Like sometimes he's downstairs when I'm recording, 0:02:04.560 --> 0:02:06.320 so he's like, it's really sweet to hear you laugh. 0:02:06.600 --> 0:02:08.840 When we laughed that hard, you know, did he texts 0:02:08.880 --> 0:02:10.960 that day? Yeah? He was like, here are a lot 0:02:11.000 --> 0:02:11.799 of laughing up there. 0:02:11.800 --> 0:02:13.760 I was like, oh, well, if you only knew what 0:02:13.760 --> 0:02:14.160 was going on. 0:02:14.240 --> 0:02:14.720 Yeah. 0:02:14.760 --> 0:02:17.320 We were talking last night though about grocery store flowers. 0:02:17.680 --> 0:02:19.280 Oh this is there's a transition. 0:02:19.600 --> 0:02:21.800 We were talking about last night because Iann, he's so sweet, 0:02:22.280 --> 0:02:23.840 but like there was just they were just laying on 0:02:23.880 --> 0:02:25.680 the counter and I'm like, how do I know they're 0:02:25.680 --> 0:02:27.040 for me? Like I don't know, like his mom was 0:02:27.040 --> 0:02:30.880 in town and like you know, and so, and he's. 0:02:30.720 --> 0:02:34.000 Like who would they be for? Like who else would 0:02:34.040 --> 0:02:34.560 they be for? 0:02:34.720 --> 0:02:36.520 And I'm like, well, I don't know, Like you know, 0:02:36.720 --> 0:02:38.560 I'm not going to like make up that they're for me, 0:02:38.720 --> 0:02:40.880 like you didn't come walking in being like here, babe, 0:02:40.880 --> 0:02:43.240 I got you flowers. He's like, well, like, but I 0:02:43.280 --> 0:02:44.680 got them for you and they're on the table. I'm like, well, 0:02:44.720 --> 0:02:46.960 how do I know they're like my mine? And then 0:02:47.240 --> 0:02:48.840 you know, and then we kind of started going in 0:02:48.840 --> 0:02:50.120 the topic of grocery store flowers. 0:02:50.240 --> 0:02:53.040 Yeah, oh, I've gotten lots of grocery store flowers. 0:02:52.800 --> 0:02:55.080 And I do like them to come and be like, like, 0:02:55.280 --> 0:02:58.840 you know, so Ian He then takes the so he 0:02:58.919 --> 0:03:00.560 did it again with an orchid. There was an orchid 0:03:00.600 --> 0:03:03.720 sitting there in the in the It was just really 0:03:03.800 --> 0:03:05.680 cute and I was just like, O babe, what are 0:03:05.680 --> 0:03:07.280 these and he goes, oh, yeah, I got you flowers 0:03:07.320 --> 0:03:08.400 and I was like, oh, okay. 0:03:08.520 --> 0:03:08.760 Things. 0:03:08.800 --> 0:03:11.280 I was like I was like I just didn't know 0:03:11.280 --> 0:03:12.600 there were for me. And that's when he goes into 0:03:12.600 --> 0:03:14.040 the whole like, well, how do you like? Of course 0:03:14.080 --> 0:03:16.040 they're for you, like this is your house and they're flowers, 0:03:16.040 --> 0:03:17.600 and I was like, I don't know, And so then 0:03:17.600 --> 0:03:19.960 he takes them and he walks and he goes, honey, 0:03:19.960 --> 0:03:23.400 I'm home and I've brought you beautiful flowers from from 0:03:23.440 --> 0:03:23.960 the store. 0:03:24.080 --> 0:03:27.200 Here are these new beginning orchids for you. And I'm like, okay, 0:03:31.880 --> 0:03:33.160 and just tossing them on the calendar. 0:03:33.200 --> 0:03:34.079 There might be somewhere in. 0:03:34.000 --> 0:03:36.040 Between, yeah, like just so like, I don't know, I like, 0:03:36.360 --> 0:03:39.120 am I crazy for thinking that? I will just say, 0:03:39.160 --> 0:03:42.280 any effort is amazing, So like any that's why I think, 0:03:42.320 --> 0:03:45.080 like them just cutting him from a garden or go like, 0:03:45.200 --> 0:03:49.960 I think any flowers are great. Having said that, I 0:03:50.000 --> 0:03:52.560 still eventually, you know, will maybe once a year have 0:03:52.640 --> 0:03:53.520 the nice like. 0:03:54.120 --> 0:03:56.680 Well, I think grocery store flowers seems like an afterthought. 0:03:56.800 --> 0:03:59.720 You're at the grocery store and you get flowers. But 0:03:59.720 --> 0:04:02.440 at the in their defense, they said, no, like you 0:04:02.480 --> 0:04:04.200 should see that I'm thinking about you. I'm at the 0:04:04.240 --> 0:04:05.720 grocery store and I got you flowers. 0:04:05.960 --> 0:04:07.640 See that's how I see it. I don't see this. 0:04:08.240 --> 0:04:09.920 See I don't see this after I think, because like, 0:04:09.920 --> 0:04:11.560 why would you go to this grocer store to get 0:04:11.560 --> 0:04:15.200 grocery store flowers unless you remark that because you needed 0:04:15.280 --> 0:04:15.800 in that early. 0:04:15.840 --> 0:04:17.599 It's exactly bought. 0:04:17.839 --> 0:04:20.599 Yeah, so it's like that makes sense to me, But 0:04:20.680 --> 0:04:22.560 like they're not. They're going to the grocery store to 0:04:22.560 --> 0:04:23.920 get hummus and carrots and mistakes. 0:04:23.960 --> 0:04:25.760 So it seems like an after No, that's. 0:04:25.600 --> 0:04:28.120 Sweet that they're then been like, oh and now I'm 0:04:28.120 --> 0:04:29.720 going to get something for my wife, like to make 0:04:29.720 --> 0:04:30.119 her smile. 0:04:30.200 --> 0:04:31.800 Well that's what they're were saying. But I feel like 0:04:31.839 --> 0:04:33.000 we weren't agreeing with that. 0:04:33.520 --> 0:04:35.039 Yeah you thought it's just me? 0:04:35.440 --> 0:04:40.279 Yeah, well we I agree to disagree. Well, pivoting to 0:04:40.360 --> 0:04:44.280 a different conversation, We've got a really cool guest coming on. 0:04:44.960 --> 0:04:48.880 He's an author. He has a book called Love. 0:04:49.120 --> 0:04:58.240 Unfug on Amazon today. But I'm super excited to hear 0:04:58.279 --> 0:05:04.320 his story. And yeah, it's about getting your relationship crap together. 0:05:04.800 --> 0:05:07.680 Love his patient. Love is blind until it's not. So yeah, 0:05:07.680 --> 0:05:09.640 I'm super excited to get out give it up. I'm 0:05:09.680 --> 0:05:11.200 super excited to get him on. So let's take a 0:05:11.200 --> 0:05:24.800 break and then let's meet Garry. I can't hear you. 0:05:25.040 --> 0:05:27.920 Hello? Is that a fake English accent? 0:05:28.320 --> 0:05:33.440 I have the worst accents ever, and I apologize. It's 0:05:33.680 --> 0:05:36.839 absolutely terrible, and. 0:05:39.000 --> 0:05:40.080 That's good. 0:05:40.600 --> 0:05:43.560 But I love your accent. My goodness, gracious, I've been 0:05:43.640 --> 0:05:46.160 working on a long time, been working on it a 0:05:46.160 --> 0:05:48.800 long time, Like I just like, God, do you hate 0:05:48.800 --> 0:05:49.520 it when people do what. 0:05:49.520 --> 0:05:54.520 I just did? Yeah, that's tough. 0:05:54.600 --> 0:05:58.240 Love love it because wait, where are you from? Originally, 0:05:59.080 --> 0:06:03.000 let's go scott Okay. So I went to a friend's 0:06:03.040 --> 0:06:04.720 wedding in port Patrick. 0:06:05.680 --> 0:06:07.400 All right, okay, and we say it in. 0:06:07.360 --> 0:06:12.000 This we flew into Glasgow, right, actually say it like 0:06:12.000 --> 0:06:12.800 like Glasgow. 0:06:13.000 --> 0:06:17.640 So it's like glass Jill, let's go. I actually gave 0:06:17.680 --> 0:06:20.720 you the whole thing to you should be practicing now Glasgow. 0:06:21.160 --> 0:06:22.680 Let's go Glasgow. 0:06:22.960 --> 0:06:25.480 I I didn't get a chance to go to Glasgow, 0:06:26.400 --> 0:06:29.040 but I I want to go back because I tell 0:06:29.080 --> 0:06:30.840 you what that was. I mean, you know this because 0:06:30.880 --> 0:06:33.800 you're from there. But that is the most beautiful country 0:06:33.839 --> 0:06:34.560 I have ever been to. 0:06:35.680 --> 0:06:38.919 Yeah, it's pretty stunning, and Glasgow is a great. 0:06:38.680 --> 0:06:44.800 For Yeah, I mean it's like stunning. But okay, I 0:06:44.880 --> 0:06:47.040 want to I want to get into you know, your 0:06:47.080 --> 0:06:51.360 You're very big obviously in the self help motivational You've 0:06:51.360 --> 0:06:56.039 got your book out called love On, where like, what 0:06:56.240 --> 0:06:59.080 was your journey with relationships to get to writing those books? 0:07:00.200 --> 0:07:04.400 Oh, So it was kind of like the other way 0:07:04.520 --> 0:07:08.279 for me. So a lot of people get into the 0:07:08.880 --> 0:07:13.240 personal development work from sorting something out in the life. 0:07:14.280 --> 0:07:16.840 Actually the other way. I I was kind of like 0:07:16.840 --> 0:07:21.520 a student of the method of like philosophy, and so 0:07:21.720 --> 0:07:24.120 I got into it that way, like trying to understand 0:07:24.240 --> 0:07:29.080 what was going on and then using that in my life, 0:07:29.120 --> 0:07:33.960 like seeing how the philosophy actually works. So the book 0:07:34.040 --> 0:07:36.920 is less based on my experience, even though there's little 0:07:36.960 --> 0:07:41.280 bits of that in there. It's more like it's more 0:07:41.320 --> 0:07:44.200 like this kind of I feel like like a pathway 0:07:44.280 --> 0:07:48.320 for people, like a philosophical pathway, which I use in 0:07:48.320 --> 0:07:51.600 my life. I use it daily, you know, And there's 0:07:51.640 --> 0:07:53.840 nothing in that book that's not real. For me, It's 0:07:53.840 --> 0:07:56.080 all real. I use it. I thought that way, I 0:07:56.160 --> 0:08:01.040 live that way, and I'm not only say oh, that's 0:08:01.840 --> 0:08:05.160 the key to having a great relationship, but it certainly 0:08:05.200 --> 0:08:08.160 makes mine a lot more workable. Let's put it that way. 0:08:08.640 --> 0:08:10.760 So what is the thing that you and your wife 0:08:10.840 --> 0:08:13.200 do that you think is kind of like the key? 0:08:13.320 --> 0:08:14.800 I mean, I know you said there isn't a key, 0:08:14.880 --> 0:08:18.080 but what is like a few things that like makes 0:08:18.160 --> 0:08:19.360 y'all's relationship work. 0:08:20.680 --> 0:08:23.040 I don't expect talk to be any way other than 0:08:23.080 --> 0:08:27.480 the way she is and vice versa, Like, who the 0:08:27.520 --> 0:08:29.240 hell am I tell her the way she should be? 0:08:30.560 --> 0:08:37.040 But she's our own person, So I don't. I have 0:08:37.080 --> 0:08:39.959 no expectation of my wife. She doesn't. Just as long 0:08:40.000 --> 0:08:43.360 as she's kind of around, that's good. You know, I don't. 0:08:43.720 --> 0:08:45.880 If she's in a pessy mood or something, that's fine. 0:08:46.440 --> 0:08:49.040 It's like that's her mood. Don't don't you know take 0:08:49.120 --> 0:08:49.480 that on? 0:08:49.600 --> 0:08:51.240 You know, like and I don't even do that with 0:08:51.280 --> 0:08:53.520 my children. But after a lot of space for my 0:08:53.600 --> 0:08:59.440 wife to be yourself and and and authentically just be yourself, 0:08:59.720 --> 0:09:04.479 like she doesn't have to be anyway with me, And 0:09:04.559 --> 0:09:06.559 you know that's the same with her, like she doesn't. 0:09:07.600 --> 0:09:10.320 There's no like you need to be this way so 0:09:10.400 --> 0:09:12.240 that I can be this way. You need to be 0:09:12.280 --> 0:09:14.600 that way so that I can be that way. We 0:09:14.679 --> 0:09:17.520 don't have that dynamic. I'm not saying you haven't had 0:09:17.559 --> 0:09:20.520 that dynamic, but we don't have that dynamic any longer, 0:09:21.960 --> 0:09:23.800 and that's a big part of it. It's letting go 0:09:23.960 --> 0:09:26.240 of how people are supposed to be and actually loving 0:09:26.280 --> 0:09:27.079 the person they are. 0:09:29.000 --> 0:09:30.920 What do you think is like the biggest mistake that 0:09:31.160 --> 0:09:31.960 couples make. 0:09:32.800 --> 0:09:34.600 That it's supposed to be fifty to fifty? 0:09:35.200 --> 0:09:38.400 Okay, explain that. 0:09:37.160 --> 0:09:42.600 That's an illusion. It's just how so well, if you 0:09:42.679 --> 0:09:45.559 just think of a notion, right, think it like philosophically, 0:09:45.600 --> 0:09:47.640 how that would set up? Right? Just think of like 0:09:47.720 --> 0:09:52.280 two people fifty to fifty. Mostly the way human beings 0:09:52.320 --> 0:09:55.360 work is I'm basically going to just sit and observe 0:09:55.440 --> 0:09:59.120 you and make sure you're doing your fifty. So that's 0:09:59.160 --> 0:10:02.400 where I'm complaining. So that's when we start talking about 0:10:02.400 --> 0:10:05.480 my needs aren't being met, which is a whole other thing, 0:10:05.559 --> 0:10:08.160 by the way, because whatever needs you have as a 0:10:08.240 --> 0:10:13.480 human being are often stuff you haven't reconciled for yourself 0:10:13.480 --> 0:10:16.360 from your own past that maybe you need to do 0:10:16.400 --> 0:10:19.480 a little bit of work on, which is okay. It's 0:10:19.520 --> 0:10:22.080 not like those things aren't real. They're real, but it 0:10:22.160 --> 0:10:24.319 just makes it really challenging when you make that your 0:10:24.400 --> 0:10:27.840 partner's problem, like something they've got in now, you know, 0:10:28.080 --> 0:10:30.240 it's not that it can't work with it, through it, 0:10:30.360 --> 0:10:32.000 or support you with it or anything like that. Of 0:10:32.040 --> 0:10:35.440 course they can't. But when they have to start, you know, 0:10:35.520 --> 0:10:37.520 like twisting their arms through the back of the leg 0:10:37.600 --> 0:10:40.040 and stuff to try and you know, meet you where 0:10:40.080 --> 0:10:43.440 you are, you're just going to constantly. I mean, that's 0:10:43.440 --> 0:10:45.120 going to be the place where you're going to your 0:10:45.240 --> 0:10:50.000 your relationship's going to live and die. So to be 0:10:50.120 --> 0:10:54.479 in a relationship requires you to kind of be introspective 0:10:54.480 --> 0:10:57.720 a lot of the time, which is sometimes challenging because 0:10:57.760 --> 0:11:00.200 we live in a dynamic of blind you know, so 0:11:00.280 --> 0:11:02.720 we live in this or you did and then I didn't. 0:11:03.280 --> 0:11:05.200 And like I said, it's not like I'm walking about 0:11:05.240 --> 0:11:09.839 on air. I've had that relationship that was terrible. It 0:11:09.880 --> 0:11:14.560 was horrible and it didn't work. It just didn't work. 0:11:14.800 --> 0:11:19.000 It was unworkable. It was constantly or you need to no, no, no, 0:11:19.080 --> 0:11:21.520 I did, and then you need to. So we just 0:11:21.679 --> 0:11:24.040 end up in this. Your relationship becomes more of a 0:11:24.120 --> 0:11:27.920 judgment and observation than actually, what is it that makes 0:11:27.960 --> 0:11:30.679 this thing work or could make it work or make 0:11:30.720 --> 0:11:31.760 it work? Great for you. 0:11:34.480 --> 0:11:36.160 It's good. I like that. 0:11:36.320 --> 0:11:37.360 So then what do you need to do? 0:11:37.440 --> 0:11:42.120 Then? Yeah, it's really at the beginning, it's kind of confronting, 0:11:42.720 --> 0:11:46.960 you know, it's in fact, it's very confronting because you 0:11:47.000 --> 0:11:49.400 start to see all the things you have been doing 0:11:50.360 --> 0:11:53.640 that make it not work. It's hard to see yourself 0:11:53.679 --> 0:11:57.600 in the dynamic of a partnership because their eyes are 0:11:57.600 --> 0:12:00.439 on you and your eyes are on them. It's really 0:12:00.480 --> 0:12:04.240 hard to see yourself. You're too busy defending yourself, you know, 0:12:04.400 --> 0:12:09.480 and your little bit of territory, you know, and and again, 0:12:09.559 --> 0:12:12.640 you know, like that's why a lot of the kind 0:12:12.679 --> 0:12:15.400 of advice and stuff that's out there about it is 0:12:15.640 --> 0:12:19.680 organized around that. So it's all about tips and tricks 0:12:19.720 --> 0:12:23.040 on how to make this kind of territory thing work. 0:12:24.760 --> 0:12:29.400 And it's never I mean, I believe anyway, Like all 0:12:29.440 --> 0:12:32.160 the good transformational work you do, all the kind of 0:12:32.160 --> 0:12:35.160 work you do on yourself as a human being, they're 0:12:35.200 --> 0:12:38.640 really good. Stuff is really hard, Like it's not easy, 0:12:38.920 --> 0:12:41.760 you know, it's just not. But it's so worthwhile. It 0:12:41.840 --> 0:12:45.480 opens up so many pathways for you, so many realizations, 0:12:45.480 --> 0:12:49.560 so many like oh my gosh, because you know, whether 0:12:49.600 --> 0:12:52.560 we like it or not. It's human beings. When each 0:12:52.600 --> 0:12:55.600 of us is around life has a certain flavor. You know, 0:12:55.640 --> 0:12:59.760 we're not a blank canvas where something right and we'll 0:12:59.760 --> 0:13:04.080 be much something. And it would be a little naive 0:13:04.200 --> 0:13:08.240 to think that that's something isn't playing out in your 0:13:08.280 --> 0:13:11.640 relationship in a negative way. M hm. 0:13:13.400 --> 0:13:16.320 So you basically then are just focusing on yourself. 0:13:17.840 --> 0:13:20.560 Absolutely, you have to. You have to. You have to, 0:13:20.679 --> 0:13:24.600 like if you at least to get your get your 0:13:24.679 --> 0:13:27.440 kind of feet on the ground, like you know, to 0:13:27.520 --> 0:13:30.560 get yourself set about what this thing's about. There's no 0:13:30.679 --> 0:13:34.560 guarantee you that that will make your relationship work. And 0:13:34.600 --> 0:13:36.760 I actually talk about that in this book, to actually 0:13:36.800 --> 0:13:40.480 talk about how to split up right, which seems like 0:13:40.520 --> 0:13:45.160 the antithesis of every relationship book but not mine. But 0:13:45.240 --> 0:13:49.360 I wanted people to really understand, like you have to 0:13:49.400 --> 0:13:52.400 get your feet set about you, who you are, what 0:13:52.480 --> 0:13:56.240 you're about, how you'll undermine, how you'll how you'll sabotage 0:13:56.280 --> 0:14:01.920 what's good and and then like starting company turns with 0:14:02.120 --> 0:14:05.319 if you think of our relationship right, like there's it's 0:14:05.360 --> 0:14:10.640 kind of like a spoking and unspoken agreement between two people, right, 0:14:10.840 --> 0:14:13.960 So there's things that when we're in a relationship, we 0:14:14.000 --> 0:14:16.640 don't necessarily have to talk about that, but we both 0:14:16.720 --> 0:14:19.880 know that that's a now right. There's things like that, right, 0:14:20.480 --> 0:14:23.280 and then there's things that we've talked about. But what 0:14:23.320 --> 0:14:26.080 we never do is is deal with the agreement that 0:14:26.120 --> 0:14:29.400 we're going to have to make with ourselves because we 0:14:29.520 --> 0:14:33.280 know what we do right. We know like, oh yeah, 0:14:33.320 --> 0:14:35.920 this is the thing that I'll get and that won't 0:14:35.960 --> 0:14:41.160 go well, and we try and overcome it. So in 0:14:41.200 --> 0:14:44.040 the book, I talk you through like there's a point 0:14:44.040 --> 0:14:46.240 where you have to get to the agreement with yourself, 0:14:47.440 --> 0:14:51.840 and when you're there, you're actually grounded and able to 0:14:51.920 --> 0:14:54.200 make an agreement with somebody else. You're actually in a 0:14:54.240 --> 0:14:56.960 spot where you can say, you know, I can actually 0:14:57.080 --> 0:14:59.760 I can do this right. It's not like oh God, 0:15:01.200 --> 0:15:07.960 all things out. It's really about can I get yourself 0:15:08.080 --> 0:15:11.720 settled down? And it's not pollyannish like those bets in 0:15:11.720 --> 0:15:15.040 the book, But I just say, if your relationship fundamentally 0:15:15.120 --> 0:15:17.400 doesn't work and you need to face that truth, you 0:15:17.520 --> 0:15:19.280 stop pretending and come to terms with that. 0:15:19.800 --> 0:15:21.560 So that's something that I was going to bring up 0:15:21.560 --> 0:15:23.200 to you because I have a lot of I got 0:15:23.200 --> 0:15:26.800 divorced last year. Yeah, and you know, I have a 0:15:26.800 --> 0:15:28.960 lot of people reach out to me saying like when 0:15:29.000 --> 0:15:31.120 did you know enough was enough? And it's like, yeah, 0:15:31.120 --> 0:15:33.640 I went through seven years of just back and forth 0:15:34.080 --> 0:15:38.320 hell and trauma and abuse and you know, affairs, and 0:15:38.360 --> 0:15:41.560 it's like it's so hard because when you hear someone 0:15:41.640 --> 0:15:44.200 saying that they're going to change and they're gonna be 0:15:44.240 --> 0:15:46.920 a different version, it's it's hard to not be like, well, shoot, 0:15:46.920 --> 0:15:48.400 I don't want the next person to get the change 0:15:48.480 --> 0:15:51.480 version that I've like waited for. And then like after 0:15:51.680 --> 0:15:54.360 so many times, it's like it's so hard to leave. 0:15:54.400 --> 0:15:55.920 But I feel like when you do leave, like that 0:15:56.040 --> 0:15:58.080 is when you truly start to notice like oh wow, 0:15:58.160 --> 0:16:00.280 like that wasn't normal or now I've you know, I 0:16:00.320 --> 0:16:02.560 feel lighter here, Like you don't realize how much like 0:16:03.160 --> 0:16:05.240 weight the relationship is like holding on you. 0:16:05.840 --> 0:16:08.520 Yeah, I mean, you'll get a lot of relief for sure, Right, 0:16:08.800 --> 0:16:10.760 But if you just use your example there, which is 0:16:10.760 --> 0:16:13.920 a bant example because that's exactly what people cited themselves, 0:16:14.800 --> 0:16:17.520 you have to get through this process of convincing yourself 0:16:19.360 --> 0:16:21.760 and then there's a point in that when you realize 0:16:21.800 --> 0:16:25.800 that's convincing. It's just bs, right, but that's not true. 0:16:25.880 --> 0:16:29.240 Just about relationships. This is what people do in life, right, 0:16:29.360 --> 0:16:32.280 We tolerate, we put up with because we feel as 0:16:32.320 --> 0:16:32.880 if we can. 0:16:32.760 --> 0:16:35.720 Overcome it, yeah, or we can change it, you know, 0:16:35.960 --> 0:16:39.840 we're capable of changing someone's choices and behaviors. 0:16:40.120 --> 0:16:42.480 There's definitely a part of that. But if you look 0:16:42.520 --> 0:16:44.600 in the background of the white people work, if you can, 0:16:44.640 --> 0:16:49.160 I get, you would think, well, this is I'm in 0:16:49.280 --> 0:16:52.040 something right now that's terrible for me, right, like this 0:16:52.200 --> 0:16:55.920 is terrible. What you're really more afraid of is the 0:16:55.960 --> 0:17:04.800 alternative long Ye, it's like that, right, like whatever that is, 0:17:05.520 --> 0:17:07.920 which is a fundamental fear for people. It's a fear 0:17:07.960 --> 0:17:12.560 of the uncertain, right of the unknown, because you're exposed 0:17:12.600 --> 0:17:16.679 and you're vulnerable and you can loose. You know, people 0:17:16.760 --> 0:17:21.399 hate that experience. So by and large, people will stay 0:17:21.440 --> 0:17:24.680 in situations that fundamentally do not work for them for 0:17:24.680 --> 0:17:27.200 a little more than the knowledge that at least they 0:17:27.240 --> 0:17:32.919 know it, and they'll grind that up like sometimes like 0:17:33.040 --> 0:17:38.280 in complete messity, right, in complete mesity, and you have 0:17:38.320 --> 0:17:41.720 to get like the kind of internal noise that one 0:17:41.800 --> 0:17:44.440 has about that and yet in it it's a lot 0:17:44.440 --> 0:17:47.280 of convincing, it's a lot of yeah button, it's a 0:17:47.320 --> 0:17:50.400 lot of you know, well you have to really you know. 0:17:50.680 --> 0:17:54.720 So it gets complex, and that internal noise, it gets complex, 0:17:54.760 --> 0:17:57.879 it gets layered. It takes a while before you're kind 0:17:57.880 --> 0:18:00.359 of like, whoa wait a minute here, now this is 0:18:00.440 --> 0:18:04.560 not good for me. This is and you know, tell 0:18:04.600 --> 0:18:06.760 a lot of what I do with people is provide them, 0:18:06.760 --> 0:18:09.159 but they cannot work and they kind of think and 0:18:09.200 --> 0:18:12.439 that lets them if that's the kind of situation that 0:18:12.520 --> 0:18:16.919 I they'll get to that realization. Quicker certainly, queer. 0:18:18.280 --> 0:18:20.600 Yeah, that's that's so hard. But you're so right. 0:18:20.680 --> 0:18:22.479 Like I remember, you know, when my friends are all 0:18:22.520 --> 0:18:26.440 like okay, Janna, like enough is enough. The alternative is like, well, 0:18:26.480 --> 0:18:28.720 I don't want anyone around my kids, and you know, 0:18:28.760 --> 0:18:30.440 I don't want to have to split holidays and I 0:18:30.480 --> 0:18:32.480 don't want to be alone, and no one's gonna who's 0:18:32.520 --> 0:18:34.000 who's who the heck's going to want to be with me. 0:18:34.080 --> 0:18:37.280 I've got two kids, I'm divorced, Like you know, there's 0:18:37.280 --> 0:18:38.879 all this like I don't want to be alone forever, 0:18:39.080 --> 0:18:42.399 and I think those fears are and I'm like, I 0:18:42.400 --> 0:18:43.760 don't want to date, I don't want to like And 0:18:43.920 --> 0:18:45.800 mostly it was, you know, ninety percent of it. When 0:18:45.840 --> 0:18:47.719 I'd say eighty, it was like, you know, no, no, 0:18:47.760 --> 0:18:49.840 ninety like not being with my kids, you know, and 0:18:49.960 --> 0:18:53.000 just like someone else being around them, and like that 0:18:53.119 --> 0:18:55.280 alternative sucked. But I mean, you're right, it's like you 0:18:55.359 --> 0:18:57.040 just have to realize. And I don't know, do you 0:18:57.160 --> 0:18:59.200 do you like the quote when when people say like 0:19:00.119 --> 0:19:04.840 they're showing you who they are, so believe them or now. 0:19:04.920 --> 0:19:08.679 I think I think we're all. Look, here's what relationships do, 0:19:10.160 --> 0:19:12.159 whether we like it or not. This is what's so 0:19:13.640 --> 0:19:16.360 when when you get two people together, whatever's on resolved 0:19:16.359 --> 0:19:19.560 from their own past is going to come up. It's 0:19:19.600 --> 0:19:21.719 coming up, and you can't. It's like trying to keep 0:19:21.760 --> 0:19:25.720 a beach ball under the under the water. You can't, right, 0:19:25.760 --> 0:19:28.120 So whatever you haven't resolved for yourself. I talk about 0:19:28.119 --> 0:19:31.600 this in the book. Most relationships start out as a 0:19:31.640 --> 0:19:35.080 solution is something for the people involved. So it's a 0:19:35.080 --> 0:19:39.560 solution is something and and and the vast majority of 0:19:39.560 --> 0:19:42.520 the time it's some personal item with themselves that they've 0:19:42.560 --> 0:19:45.280 never quite been able to resolve. That they see this 0:19:45.480 --> 0:19:48.679 other person and it seems to fit. It's like, oh 0:19:48.720 --> 0:19:51.960 my gosh, that's why we talk about the one because 0:19:51.960 --> 0:19:54.520 of something about it. Then that takes care of this 0:19:54.880 --> 0:20:00.840 whatever this is currently missing. Once you get relationship, you 0:20:00.920 --> 0:20:04.480 realize that it's not filled at all. That thing isn't 0:20:04.640 --> 0:20:08.280 taken care of If I it's still there, but it's 0:20:08.280 --> 0:20:12.040 now going to play out between two people. You know, 0:20:12.200 --> 0:20:14.360 whether we like it or not. You know, we're we're 0:20:14.560 --> 0:20:17.360 very much driven by what's in the background of our 0:20:17.400 --> 0:20:21.800 mind's not what's in the foreground. That's why determination couldn't 0:20:21.800 --> 0:20:26.960 see you through that like it couldn't because quote unquote 0:20:27.040 --> 0:20:31.320 the truth will out right and it's an unresolved truth. 0:20:32.440 --> 0:20:38.480 In relationships, people will do really really really three things, 0:20:38.240 --> 0:20:44.320 but just really three things. They'll do them from my perspective, 0:20:44.320 --> 0:20:47.439