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Speaker 1: Wind Down with Jana Kramer and I'm Heeart Radio Podcast.

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Speaker 2: Hi guys, Hi, Hello Janet, Hello Catherine.

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Speaker 3: Hi.

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Speaker 4: We had so much fun last week. So many people

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Speaker 4: were laughing saying they were like dying in their car.

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Speaker 2: It was fun. Oh remember what happened last week by accident?

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Speaker 4: We were she found something on my text message.

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Speaker 2: That was fun.

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Speaker 5: Was my husband's response, Oh yeah, so listen to this.

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Speaker 4: So we go out. We had a double date last night.

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Speaker 4: It was Ian Catherine and her husband Nick, and so

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Speaker 4: Nick goes, I just need to bring something up at

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Speaker 4: the dinner table. He goes, I feel very left out

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Speaker 4: that I'm the only one that's not seen Ian's penis.

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Speaker 1: He had no idea until he listened. He saw like

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Speaker 1: my little teaser on my thing and he was like,

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Speaker 1: wait what. So he went listened. He came home, He's like,

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Speaker 1: so you saw Ian's thing.

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Speaker 2: I was like, yeah, did you say packer? Yeah? He

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Speaker 2: said packer. I don't know if we can use that word. Yeah.

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Speaker 4: That was so that's that's been like a running joke.

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Speaker 4: And so at dinner last night, you know, I was

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Speaker 4: like we were all laughing about it. Nick felt very

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Speaker 4: left out.

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Speaker 2: It was like when it's brought up like at the

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Speaker 2: dinner table.

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Speaker 1: I was like, I can't look at him, Like you

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Speaker 1: can't look at Ian when we're talking about it.

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Speaker 2: You know, it's very uncomfortable. Can't get that angle out

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Speaker 2: of your head.

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Speaker 3: No is he is? He in fine with it. He

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Speaker 3: thinks it's all fun and games.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 4: I mean he's like he thinks.

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Speaker 3: I love a confident guy.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 4: He goes when I was like a podcasting to get

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Speaker 4: today and he goes, have fun. You know, like what

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Speaker 4: he says something like go go laugh or have fun,

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Speaker 4: Like he doesn't mind that we kind of crack jokes

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Speaker 4: or good because it's like he knows it's all in fun.

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Speaker 4: And he you know, he said, it's it's nice to

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Speaker 4: hear you laugh. Like sometimes he's downstairs when I'm recording,

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Speaker 4: so he's like, it's really sweet to hear you laugh.

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Speaker 2: When we laughed that hard, you know, did he texts

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Speaker 2: that day? Yeah? He was like, here are a lot

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Speaker 2: of laughing up there.

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Speaker 4: I was like, oh, well, if you only knew what

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Speaker 4: was going on.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 4: We were talking last night though about grocery store flowers.

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Speaker 2: Oh this is there's a transition.

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Speaker 4: We were talking about last night because Iann, he's so sweet,

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Speaker 4: but like there was just they were just laying on

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Speaker 4: the counter and I'm like, how do I know they're

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Speaker 4: for me? Like I don't know, like his mom was

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Speaker 4: in town and like you know, and so, and he's.

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Speaker 2: Like who would they be for? Like who else would

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Speaker 2: they be for?

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Speaker 4: And I'm like, well, I don't know, Like you know,

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Speaker 4: I'm not going to like make up that they're for me,

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Speaker 4: like you didn't come walking in being like here, babe,

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Speaker 4: I got you flowers. He's like, well, like, but I

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Speaker 4: got them for you and they're on the table. I'm like, well,

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Speaker 4: how do I know they're like my mine? And then

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Speaker 4: you know, and then we kind of started going in

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Speaker 4: the topic of grocery store flowers.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, oh, I've gotten lots of grocery store flowers.

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Speaker 4: And I do like them to come and be like, like,

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Speaker 4: you know, so Ian He then takes the so he

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Speaker 4: did it again with an orchid. There was an orchid

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Speaker 4: sitting there in the in the It was just really

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Speaker 4: cute and I was just like, O babe, what are

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Speaker 4: these and he goes, oh, yeah, I got you flowers

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Speaker 4: and I was like, oh, okay.

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Speaker 2: Things.

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Speaker 4: I was like I was like I just didn't know

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Speaker 4: there were for me. And that's when he goes into

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Speaker 4: the whole like, well, how do you like? Of course

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Speaker 4: they're for you, like this is your house and they're flowers,

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Speaker 4: and I was like, I don't know, And so then

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Speaker 4: he takes them and he walks and he goes, honey,

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Speaker 4: I'm home and I've brought you beautiful flowers from from

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Speaker 4: the store.

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Speaker 2: Here are these new beginning orchids for you. And I'm like, okay,

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Speaker 2: and just tossing them on the calendar.

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Speaker 3: There might be somewhere in.

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Speaker 4: Between, yeah, like just so like, I don't know, I like,

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Speaker 4: am I crazy for thinking that? I will just say,

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Speaker 4: any effort is amazing, So like any that's why I think,

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Speaker 4: like them just cutting him from a garden or go like,

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Speaker 4: I think any flowers are great. Having said that, I

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Speaker 4: still eventually, you know, will maybe once a year have

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Speaker 4: the nice like.

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Speaker 5: Well, I think grocery store flowers seems like an afterthought.

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Speaker 5: You're at the grocery store and you get flowers. But

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Speaker 5: at the in their defense, they said, no, like you

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Speaker 5: should see that I'm thinking about you. I'm at the

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Speaker 5: grocery store and I got you flowers.

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Speaker 4: See that's how I see it. I don't see this.

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Speaker 4: See I don't see this after I think, because like,

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Speaker 4: why would you go to this grocer store to get

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Speaker 4: grocery store flowers unless you remark that because you needed

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Speaker 4: in that early.

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Speaker 2: It's exactly bought.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, so it's like that makes sense to me, But

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Speaker 4: like they're not. They're going to the grocery store to

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Speaker 4: get hummus and carrots and mistakes.

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Speaker 5: So it seems like an after No, that's.

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Speaker 4: Sweet that they're then been like, oh and now I'm

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Speaker 4: going to get something for my wife, like to make

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Speaker 4: her smile.

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Speaker 5: Well that's what they're were saying. But I feel like

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Speaker 5: we weren't agreeing with that.

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Speaker 2: Yeah you thought it's just me?

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Speaker 4: Yeah, well we I agree to disagree. Well, pivoting to

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Speaker 4: a different conversation, We've got a really cool guest coming on.

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Speaker 2: He's an author. He has a book called Love.

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Speaker 4: Unfug on Amazon today. But I'm super excited to hear

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Speaker 4: his story. And yeah, it's about getting your relationship crap together.

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Speaker 4: Love his patient. Love is blind until it's not. So yeah,

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Speaker 4: I'm super excited to get out give it up. I'm

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Speaker 4: super excited to get him on. So let's take a

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Speaker 4: break and then let's meet Garry. I can't hear you.

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Speaker 3: Hello? Is that a fake English accent?

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Speaker 4: I have the worst accents ever, and I apologize. It's

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Speaker 4: absolutely terrible, and.

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Speaker 3: That's good.

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Speaker 4: But I love your accent. My goodness, gracious, I've been

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Speaker 4: working on a long time, been working on it a

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Speaker 4: long time, Like I just like, God, do you hate

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Speaker 4: it when people do what.

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Speaker 2: I just did? Yeah, that's tough.

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Speaker 4: Love love it because wait, where are you from? Originally,

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Speaker 4: let's go scott Okay. So I went to a friend's

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Speaker 4: wedding in port Patrick.

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Speaker 3: All right, okay, and we say it in.

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Speaker 4: This we flew into Glasgow, right, actually say it like

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Speaker 4: like Glasgow.

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Speaker 3: So it's like glass Jill, let's go. I actually gave

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Speaker 3: you the whole thing to you should be practicing now Glasgow.

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Speaker 2: Let's go Glasgow.

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Speaker 4: I I didn't get a chance to go to Glasgow,

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Speaker 4: but I I want to go back because I tell

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Speaker 4: you what that was. I mean, you know this because

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Speaker 4: you're from there. But that is the most beautiful country

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Speaker 4: I have ever been to.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it's pretty stunning, and Glasgow is a great.

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Speaker 4: For Yeah, I mean it's like stunning. But okay, I

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Speaker 4: want to I want to get into you know, your

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Speaker 4: You're very big obviously in the self help motivational You've

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Speaker 4: got your book out called love On, where like, what

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Speaker 4: was your journey with relationships to get to writing those books?

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Speaker 3: Oh, So it was kind of like the other way

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Speaker 3: for me. So a lot of people get into the

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Speaker 3: personal development work from sorting something out in the life.

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Speaker 3: Actually the other way. I I was kind of like

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Speaker 3: a student of the method of like philosophy, and so

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Speaker 3: I got into it that way, like trying to understand

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Speaker 3: what was going on and then using that in my life,

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Speaker 3: like seeing how the philosophy actually works. So the book

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Speaker 3: is less based on my experience, even though there's little

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Speaker 3: bits of that in there. It's more like it's more

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Speaker 3: like this kind of I feel like like a pathway

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Speaker 3: for people, like a philosophical pathway, which I use in

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Speaker 3: my life. I use it daily, you know, And there's

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Speaker 3: nothing in that book that's not real. For me, It's

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Speaker 3: all real. I use it. I thought that way, I

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Speaker 3: live that way, and I'm not only say oh, that's

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Speaker 3: the key to having a great relationship, but it certainly

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Speaker 3: makes mine a lot more workable. Let's put it that way.

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Speaker 4: So what is the thing that you and your wife

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Speaker 4: do that you think is kind of like the key?

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Speaker 4: I mean, I know you said there isn't a key,

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Speaker 4: but what is like a few things that like makes

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Speaker 4: y'all's relationship work.

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Speaker 3: I don't expect talk to be any way other than

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Speaker 3: the way she is and vice versa, Like, who the

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Speaker 3: hell am I tell her the way she should be?

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Speaker 3: But she's our own person, So I don't. I have

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Speaker 3: no expectation of my wife. She doesn't. Just as long

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Speaker 3: as she's kind of around, that's good. You know, I don't.

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Speaker 3: If she's in a pessy mood or something, that's fine.

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Speaker 2: It's like that's her mood. Don't don't you know take

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Speaker 2: that on?

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Speaker 3: You know, like and I don't even do that with

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Speaker 3: my children. But after a lot of space for my

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Speaker 3: wife to be yourself and and and authentically just be yourself,

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Speaker 3: like she doesn't have to be anyway with me, And

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Speaker 3: you know that's the same with her, like she doesn't.

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Speaker 3: There's no like you need to be this way so

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Speaker 3: that I can be this way. You need to be

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Speaker 3: that way so that I can be that way. We

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Speaker 3: don't have that dynamic. I'm not saying you haven't had

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Speaker 3: that dynamic, but we don't have that dynamic any longer,

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Speaker 3: and that's a big part of it. It's letting go

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Speaker 3: of how people are supposed to be and actually loving

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Speaker 3: the person they are.

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Speaker 4: What do you think is like the biggest mistake that

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Speaker 4: couples make.

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Speaker 3: That it's supposed to be fifty to fifty?

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Speaker 4: Okay, explain that.

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Speaker 3: That's an illusion. It's just how so well, if you

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Speaker 3: just think of a notion, right, think it like philosophically,

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Speaker 3: how that would set up? Right? Just think of like

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Speaker 3: two people fifty to fifty. Mostly the way human beings

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Speaker 3: work is I'm basically going to just sit and observe

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Speaker 3: you and make sure you're doing your fifty. So that's

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Speaker 3: where I'm complaining. So that's when we start talking about

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Speaker 3: my needs aren't being met, which is a whole other thing,

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Speaker 3: by the way, because whatever needs you have as a

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Speaker 3: human being are often stuff you haven't reconciled for yourself

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Speaker 3: from your own past that maybe you need to do

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Speaker 3: a little bit of work on, which is okay. It's

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Speaker 3: not like those things aren't real. They're real, but it

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Speaker 3: just makes it really challenging when you make that your

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Speaker 3: partner's problem, like something they've got in now, you know,

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Speaker 3: it's not that it can't work with it, through it,

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Speaker 3: or support you with it or anything like that. Of

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Speaker 3: course they can't. But when they have to start, you know,

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Speaker 3: like twisting their arms through the back of the leg

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Speaker 3: and stuff to try and you know, meet you where

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Speaker 3: you are, you're just going to constantly. I mean, that's

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Speaker 3: going to be the place where you're going to your

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Speaker 3: your relationship's going to live and die. So to be

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Speaker 3: in a relationship requires you to kind of be introspective

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Speaker 3: a lot of the time, which is sometimes challenging because

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Speaker 3: we live in a dynamic of blind you know, so

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Speaker 3: we live in this or you did and then I didn't.

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Speaker 3: And like I said, it's not like I'm walking about

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Speaker 3: on air. I've had that relationship that was terrible. It

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Speaker 3: was horrible and it didn't work. It just didn't work.

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Speaker 3: It was unworkable. It was constantly or you need to no, no, no,

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Speaker 3: I did, and then you need to. So we just

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Speaker 3: end up in this. Your relationship becomes more of a

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Speaker 3: judgment and observation than actually, what is it that makes

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Speaker 3: this thing work or could make it work or make

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Speaker 3: it work? Great for you.

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Speaker 5: It's good. I like that.

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Speaker 4: So then what do you need to do?

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Speaker 3: Then? Yeah, it's really at the beginning, it's kind of confronting,

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Speaker 3: you know, it's in fact, it's very confronting because you

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Speaker 3: start to see all the things you have been doing

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Speaker 3: that make it not work. It's hard to see yourself

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Speaker 3: in the dynamic of a partnership because their eyes are

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Speaker 3: on you and your eyes are on them. It's really

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Speaker 3: hard to see yourself. You're too busy defending yourself, you know,

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Speaker 3: and your little bit of territory, you know, and and again,

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Speaker 3: you know, like that's why a lot of the kind

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Speaker 3: of advice and stuff that's out there about it is

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Speaker 3: organized around that. So it's all about tips and tricks

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Speaker 3: on how to make this kind of territory thing work.

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Speaker 3: And it's never I mean, I believe anyway, Like all

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Speaker 3: the good transformational work you do, all the kind of

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Speaker 3: work you do on yourself as a human being, they're

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Speaker 3: really good. Stuff is really hard, Like it's not easy,

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Speaker 3: you know, it's just not. But it's so worthwhile. It

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Speaker 3: opens up so many pathways for you, so many realizations,

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Speaker 3: so many like oh my gosh, because you know, whether

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Speaker 3: we like it or not. It's human beings. When each

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Speaker 3: of us is around life has a certain flavor. You know,

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Speaker 3: we're not a blank canvas where something right and we'll

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Speaker 3: be much something. And it would be a little naive

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Speaker 3: to think that that's something isn't playing out in your

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Speaker 3: relationship in a negative way. M hm.

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Speaker 5: So you basically then are just focusing on yourself.

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Speaker 3: Absolutely, you have to. You have to. You have to,

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Speaker 3: like if you at least to get your get your

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Speaker 3: kind of feet on the ground, like you know, to

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Speaker 3: get yourself set about what this thing's about. There's no

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Speaker 3: guarantee you that that will make your relationship work. And

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Speaker 3: I actually talk about that in this book, to actually

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Speaker 3: talk about how to split up right, which seems like

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Speaker 3: the antithesis of every relationship book but not mine. But

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Speaker 3: I wanted people to really understand, like you have to

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Speaker 3: get your feet set about you, who you are, what

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Speaker 3: you're about, how you'll undermine, how you'll how you'll sabotage

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Speaker 3: what's good and and then like starting company turns with

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Speaker 3: if you think of our relationship right, like there's it's

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Speaker 3: kind of like a spoking and unspoken agreement between two people, right,

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Speaker 3: So there's things that when we're in a relationship, we

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Speaker 3: don't necessarily have to talk about that, but we both

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Speaker 3: know that that's a now right. There's things like that, right,

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Speaker 3: and then there's things that we've talked about. But what

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Speaker 3: we never do is is deal with the agreement that

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Speaker 3: we're going to have to make with ourselves because we

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Speaker 3: know what we do right. We know like, oh yeah,

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Speaker 3: this is the thing that I'll get and that won't

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Speaker 3: go well, and we try and overcome it. So in

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Speaker 3: the book, I talk you through like there's a point

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Speaker 3: where you have to get to the agreement with yourself,

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Speaker 3: and when you're there, you're actually grounded and able to

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Speaker 3: make an agreement with somebody else. You're actually in a

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Speaker 3: spot where you can say, you know, I can actually

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Speaker 3: I can do this right. It's not like oh God,

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Speaker 3: all things out. It's really about can I get yourself

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Speaker 3: settled down? And it's not pollyannish like those bets in

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Speaker 3: the book, But I just say, if your relationship fundamentally

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Speaker 3: doesn't work and you need to face that truth, you

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Speaker 3: stop pretending and come to terms with that.

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Speaker 4: So that's something that I was going to bring up

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Speaker 4: to you because I have a lot of I got

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Speaker 4: divorced last year. Yeah, and you know, I have a

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Speaker 4: lot of people reach out to me saying like when

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Speaker 4: did you know enough was enough? And it's like, yeah,

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Speaker 4: I went through seven years of just back and forth

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Speaker 4: hell and trauma and abuse and you know, affairs, and

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Speaker 4: it's like it's so hard because when you hear someone

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Speaker 4: saying that they're going to change and they're gonna be

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Speaker 4: a different version, it's it's hard to not be like, well, shoot,

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Speaker 4: I don't want the next person to get the change

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Speaker 4: version that I've like waited for. And then like after

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Speaker 4: so many times, it's like it's so hard to leave.

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Speaker 4: But I feel like when you do leave, like that

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Speaker 4: is when you truly start to notice like oh wow,

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Speaker 4: like that wasn't normal or now I've you know, I

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Speaker 4: feel lighter here, Like you don't realize how much like

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Speaker 4: weight the relationship is like holding on you.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, you'll get a lot of relief for sure, Right,

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Speaker 3: But if you just use your example there, which is

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Speaker 3: a bant example because that's exactly what people cited themselves,

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Speaker 3: you have to get through this process of convincing yourself

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Speaker 3: and then there's a point in that when you realize

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Speaker 3: that's convincing. It's just bs, right, but that's not true.

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Speaker 3: Just about relationships. This is what people do in life, right,

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Speaker 3: We tolerate, we put up with because we feel as

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Speaker 3: if we can.

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Speaker 4: Overcome it, yeah, or we can change it, you know,

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Speaker 4: we're capable of changing someone's choices and behaviors.

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Speaker 3: There's definitely a part of that. But if you look

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Speaker 3: in the background of the white people work, if you can,

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Speaker 3: I get, you would think, well, this is I'm in

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Speaker 3: something right now that's terrible for me, right, like this

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Speaker 3: is terrible. What you're really more afraid of is the

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Speaker 3: alternative long Ye, it's like that, right, like whatever that is,

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Speaker 3: which is a fundamental fear for people. It's a fear

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Speaker 3: of the uncertain, right of the unknown, because you're exposed

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Speaker 3: and you're vulnerable and you can loose. You know, people

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Speaker 3: hate that experience. So by and large, people will stay

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Speaker 3: in situations that fundamentally do not work for them for

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Speaker 3: a little more than the knowledge that at least they

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Speaker 3: know it, and they'll grind that up like sometimes like

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Speaker 3: in complete messity, right, in complete mesity, and you have

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Speaker 3: to get like the kind of internal noise that one

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Speaker 3: has about that and yet in it it's a lot

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Speaker 3: of convincing, it's a lot of yeah button, it's a

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Speaker 3: lot of you know, well you have to really you know.

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Speaker 3: So it gets complex, and that internal noise, it gets complex,

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Speaker 3: it gets layered. It takes a while before you're kind

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Speaker 3: of like, whoa wait a minute here, now this is

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Speaker 3: not good for me. This is and you know, tell

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Speaker 3: a lot of what I do with people is provide them,

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Speaker 3: but they cannot work and they kind of think and

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Speaker 3: that lets them if that's the kind of situation that

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Speaker 3: I they'll get to that realization. Quicker certainly, queer.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's that's so hard. But you're so right.

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Speaker 4: Like I remember, you know, when my friends are all

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Speaker 4: like okay, Janna, like enough is enough. The alternative is like, well,

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Speaker 4: I don't want anyone around my kids, and you know,

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Speaker 4: I don't want to have to split holidays and I

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Speaker 4: don't want to be alone, and no one's gonna who's

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Speaker 4: who's who the heck's going to want to be with me.

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Speaker 4: I've got two kids, I'm divorced, Like you know, there's

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Speaker 4: all this like I don't want to be alone forever,

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Speaker 4: and I think those fears are and I'm like, I

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Speaker 4: don't want to date, I don't want to like And

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Speaker 4: mostly it was, you know, ninety percent of it. When

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Speaker 4: I'd say eighty, it was like, you know, no, no,

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Speaker 4: ninety like not being with my kids, you know, and

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Speaker 4: just like someone else being around them, and like that

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Speaker 4: alternative sucked. But I mean, you're right, it's like you

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Speaker 4: just have to realize. And I don't know, do you

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Speaker 4: do you like the quote when when people say like

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Speaker 4: they're showing you who they are, so believe them or now.

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Speaker 3: I think I think we're all. Look, here's what relationships do,

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Speaker 3: whether we like it or not. This is what's so

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Speaker 3: when when you get two people together, whatever's on resolved

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Speaker 3: from their own past is going to come up. It's

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Speaker 3: coming up, and you can't. It's like trying to keep

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Speaker 3: a beach ball under the under the water. You can't, right,

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Speaker 3: So whatever you haven't resolved for yourself. I talk about

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Speaker 3: this in the book. Most relationships start out as a

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Speaker 3: solution is something for the people involved. So it's a

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Speaker 3: solution is something and and and the vast majority of

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Speaker 3: the time it's some personal item with themselves that they've

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Speaker 3: never quite been able to resolve. That they see this

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Speaker 3: other person and it seems to fit. It's like, oh

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Speaker 3: my gosh, that's why we talk about the one because

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Speaker 3: of something about it. Then that takes care of this

390
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Speaker 3: whatever this is currently missing. Once you get relationship, you

391
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Speaker 3: realize that it's not filled at all. That thing isn't

392
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Speaker 3: taken care of If I it's still there, but it's

393
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Speaker 3: now going to play out between two people. You know,

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Speaker 3: whether we like it or not. You know, we're we're

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Speaker 3: very much driven by what's in the background of our

396
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:21,800
Speaker 3: mind's not what's in the foreground. That's why determination couldn't

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Speaker 3: see you through that like it couldn't because quote unquote

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Speaker 3: the truth will out right and it's an unresolved truth.

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Speaker 3: In relationships, people will do really really really three things,

400
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Speaker 3: but just really three things. They'll do them from my perspective,

401
00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:47,439
Speaker 3: and then the work that I deal it would be

402
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Speaker 3: really easy just for me to go, well, that makes

403
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Speaker 3: you a terrible person, and no, I tend to look

404
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Speaker 3: at like, wow, how come you ended up there? Like

405
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Speaker 3: what the heck happened that you landed on that spot.

406
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Speaker 3: And that's how you see life, and that's how you

407
00:21:01,359 --> 00:21:04,359
Speaker 3: treat people, and that's how you interact with others, and

408
00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:07,840
Speaker 3: that's how you handle things like love and trust and

409
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Speaker 3: you know, and integrity and loyalty and like whoa, you know,

410
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Speaker 3: I'm fascinated by that because we're not we're not fully

411
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Speaker 3: conscious of how we end up where we're at. We

412
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Speaker 3: just know we're there. And that's not to you let

413
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Speaker 3: anybody off the hulk or make excuses for people. It's

414
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Speaker 3: not about that at all. Fact, you know you're going

415
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Speaker 3: to have to deal with yourself and deal with the

416
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Speaker 3: consequences of not only who you are but who you've been.

417
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Speaker 3: But at the same time, you know it's it's it's

418
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Speaker 3: definitely a fascinating thing when when you actually track back

419
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Speaker 3: in your own life and see how the heck because

420
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Speaker 3: with no clear with no clear direction or our head

421
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Speaker 3: like I'm just going to be this kind of person

422
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Speaker 3: and that kind of person, we just kind of weaver

423
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Speaker 3: way through it. And a lot of our work is

424
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Speaker 3: doing that with people, is having you fundamentally profoundly connected

425
00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:10,600
Speaker 3: to your own machinery in a way that that actually

426
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Speaker 3: resonates with you and gives you the powerty and make

427
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Speaker 3: different choices in your own wife.

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Speaker 4: What like now, Okay, so now that I'm in I'm

429
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Speaker 4: in a new relationship. Now do you do you ever

430
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Speaker 4: tell anyone like these are certain red flags to look

431
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Speaker 4: out for in a new relationship.

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Speaker 3: Now that's that's a red flag.

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Speaker 5: Asking about a red flag because it's about you or

434
00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:41,960
Speaker 5: not the other one.

435
00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:42,640
Speaker 2: That's what you're saying.

436
00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:44,480
Speaker 5: You have to think about yourself, talk about yourself.

437
00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:46,120
Speaker 3: That's a red flag. And I'll tell you, I'll tell

438
00:22:46,119 --> 00:22:51,000
Speaker 3: you a big problem you'll have. You won't have to

439
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:55,960
Speaker 3: tell you this, but thank god we're talking. This is

440
00:22:56,080 --> 00:22:58,240
Speaker 3: what an awful lot of people do. They use the

441
00:22:58,359 --> 00:23:00,840
Speaker 3: last thing is some can attempt for the next thing.

442
00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:03,960
Speaker 3: So whatever the last thing was, it gets to live

443
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:08,280
Speaker 3: on here and it gets to live on Like you,

444
00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:10,760
Speaker 3: you'd always find an evidence. And this is part of

445
00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:12,639
Speaker 3: the work you do with yourself. Like am I getting

446
00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:15,919
Speaker 3: a clear look at this? Or is this some can

447
00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:19,359
Speaker 3: I call it in from the past? That's at play here.

448
00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:25,160
Speaker 3: What what you'll rastle with at the beginning is something

449
00:23:25,240 --> 00:23:32,440
Speaker 3: called trust right. And again in the book what as

450
00:23:32,119 --> 00:23:37,399
Speaker 3: what is trust right? What is it? And when you

451
00:23:37,440 --> 00:23:39,080
Speaker 3: trust somebody, what are you looking at? What are you

452
00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:42,960
Speaker 3: lying on? And when they ask you to trust them,

453
00:23:43,359 --> 00:23:45,400
Speaker 3: what are they relying on? Which is not the same

454
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:49,280
Speaker 3: they're lying on something else. So if I say to you,

455
00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:53,760
Speaker 3: trust me, I'm saying that to you, and I've got

456
00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:57,359
Speaker 3: a certain gauge for what that is and isn't. If

457
00:23:57,400 --> 00:24:00,520
Speaker 3: you're somebody who's listening to that, you're playing a different

458
00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:03,640
Speaker 3: set of rules when it comes to trucks than I am,

459
00:24:03,720 --> 00:24:06,919
Speaker 3: even though we are talking about the same thing. So

460
00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:11,199
Speaker 3: that's why you get in complete with the past is

461
00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:13,920
Speaker 3: so important for all human beings. When I say getting complete,

462
00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:18,240
Speaker 3: just getting settled with and how you can tell you're

463
00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:21,840
Speaker 3: settled with something as the zero emotional attachment to it,

464
00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:25,560
Speaker 3: like nothing right, and you can get there right, it's

465
00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:28,560
Speaker 3: not rocket science. You can get there. It's a process

466
00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:32,919
Speaker 3: of acceptance and letting go of judgment and you know,

467
00:24:33,119 --> 00:24:37,880
Speaker 3: kind of getting somebody's humanity without necessarily it's not again,

468
00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:40,040
Speaker 3: it's never about letting them off the hook. It's never

469
00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:42,159
Speaker 3: about in fact, they had nothing to do with the

470
00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:47,040
Speaker 3: dynamic of blind it's a it's somebody who's interested in

471
00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:49,240
Speaker 3: having something be complete in such a way that you

472
00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:54,359
Speaker 3: can move on. Now your new relationship should be all

473
00:24:54,359 --> 00:24:55,480
Speaker 3: about what you're creating.

474
00:24:56,359 --> 00:24:59,080
Speaker 4: Well, you see that's where I'm like, We're like, because

475
00:24:59,080 --> 00:25:01,359
Speaker 4: you brought up a good word like sabotage, because I

476
00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:03,680
Speaker 4: have tried in the beginning to sabotage it just because

477
00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:05,840
Speaker 4: I'm like, yeah, I just got a relationship where I

478
00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:08,199
Speaker 4: couldn't trust a man, or like of course, I'm like,

479
00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:10,160
Speaker 4: of course this new man's gonna cheat and lie and

480
00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:13,160
Speaker 4: be you know gas you know, gaslight and have mean

481
00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:15,439
Speaker 4: words like of course, Like it's all sweet now the

482
00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:17,600
Speaker 4: honeymoon phase. I'm like, you're gonna end up just doing

483
00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:20,280
Speaker 4: the same thing. And he's like you can't. He's like,

484
00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:22,560
Speaker 4: I'm not your ex, and I'm like, well I don't

485
00:25:22,560 --> 00:25:24,240
Speaker 4: know that, right, and then I just sabotage it. And

486
00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:26,560
Speaker 4: then he's like stop trying to push me away.

487
00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:30,840
Speaker 3: Right, So when you so, I'll use again. It's a

488
00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:33,520
Speaker 3: really common thing, right, So it's more human than you

489
00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:36,679
Speaker 3: would think, right, It's not necessarily you. It's more like,

490
00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:41,200
Speaker 3: this is what human beings do. But if you look

491
00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:43,400
Speaker 3: at like the things that you say, right, of course

492
00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:44,760
Speaker 3: you're going to do this, and of course you want

493
00:25:44,760 --> 00:25:45,879
Speaker 3: to do that. Of course you want to do this,

494
00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:47,199
Speaker 3: and then you're going to do like this because like

495
00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:50,159
Speaker 3: everybody else and dead that that and that moment when

496
00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:53,520
Speaker 3: you're saying those things, what way would you say you are?

497
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:57,800
Speaker 3: You're being what bitchy? Yeah?

498
00:25:57,840 --> 00:26:00,160
Speaker 4: Okay, go ahead, And I'm protecting myself, like I think think,

499
00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:01,840
Speaker 4: I'm like I'm justification.

500
00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:05,320
Speaker 3: You got to watch that. You can't no, you can't

501
00:26:05,359 --> 00:26:05,760
Speaker 3: go here.

502
00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:07,840
Speaker 4: Well I don't think I'm like deserving of it too.

503
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:11,360
Speaker 4: So it's like because of my past historical Well yeah.

504
00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:14,520
Speaker 3: It's like psychological. It's very psychological. You'll end up in

505
00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:17,600
Speaker 3: a tunnel. You just got to look in that moment

506
00:26:18,040 --> 00:26:24,000
Speaker 3: you're being cynical, okay, right now, and this relationship with

507
00:26:24,040 --> 00:26:29,879
Speaker 3: this person, and that moment you're being cynical. So now

508
00:26:29,960 --> 00:26:31,840
Speaker 3: you're going to get the results called cynical.

509
00:26:31,920 --> 00:26:33,760
Speaker 4: I got a Google syncal because like I know the word,

510
00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:34,920
Speaker 4: but I don't actually know what it means.

511
00:26:35,680 --> 00:26:37,359
Speaker 3: Right, It's kind of like it's kind of like this

512
00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:41,240
Speaker 3: messive and like you no matter what somebody does or said.

513
00:26:41,400 --> 00:26:44,159
Speaker 3: So I was like, yeah, but you don't you know

514
00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:49,000
Speaker 3: seconds and it's a fundamental state for all of us,

515
00:26:49,440 --> 00:26:52,840
Speaker 3: of the various things. But in that moment, when you're

516
00:26:52,840 --> 00:26:56,919
Speaker 3: being that way to your partner, you're now being cynical, right,

517
00:26:57,040 --> 00:26:58,960
Speaker 3: even though you would profess to say I love you

518
00:26:59,640 --> 00:27:02,800
Speaker 3: right now, I'm being cynical. So I'm bringing sentences of

519
00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:08,440
Speaker 3: the table, which again, okay, that's fine as long as

520
00:27:08,440 --> 00:27:11,400
Speaker 3: you know that's what you're bringing to the table. See

521
00:27:11,480 --> 00:27:14,760
Speaker 3: what you were going to say was here's why I'm cynical.

522
00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:19,320
Speaker 3: That'll actually make no difference in the quality of your relationship.

523
00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:23,240
Speaker 3: Understanding that you're being cynical will make a difference in

524
00:27:23,280 --> 00:27:26,960
Speaker 3: the quality of your relationship. Now, you might have concerns,

525
00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:30,760
Speaker 3: you might have worries, you might have things on your mind,

526
00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:34,840
Speaker 3: you might have fears, and it would be entirely appropriate

527
00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:37,240
Speaker 3: for if they're there for you, if your partner's open

528
00:27:37,280 --> 00:27:39,160
Speaker 3: to you having that kind of conversation in that moment,

529
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:44,560
Speaker 3: that you would be able to vocalize those but more like,

530
00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:48,760
Speaker 3: here's what's rattling around in my cage, rather than yeah,

531
00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:53,520
Speaker 3: but you you understand the difference, like I'm getting like,

532
00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:56,680
Speaker 3: this is what I wrestle with as a human being, right,

533
00:27:56,760 --> 00:27:59,800
Speaker 3: like I'm being And it's important that you understand what

534
00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:04,560
Speaker 3: you're wrestling. It's importantly you know, like you know, yeah,

535
00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:07,800
Speaker 3: wrestle with that, Like that's a thing for me. Now

536
00:28:09,040 --> 00:28:12,399
Speaker 3: I'm going to offer you something for you personally are

537
00:28:12,440 --> 00:28:14,600
Speaker 3: you are you owing for me to give you a please?

538
00:28:15,720 --> 00:28:16,679
Speaker 4: And all any and all?

539
00:28:16,800 --> 00:28:19,840
Speaker 3: All right, all right, there's some unresolved thing that you

540
00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:25,720
Speaker 3: are but being loved and lovable from being a kid. Yeah,

541
00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:27,200
Speaker 3: And I don't know who it was, but you had

542
00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:30,560
Speaker 3: that can experience like you're just not loved or known

543
00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:32,240
Speaker 3: they're appreciated something like that.

544
00:28:32,359 --> 00:28:34,040
Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure.

545
00:28:34,280 --> 00:28:40,240
Speaker 3: That's a bit manifesting over and over and over and

546
00:28:40,320 --> 00:28:43,080
Speaker 3: so manifest in the ways and the people you choose

547
00:28:43,120 --> 00:28:46,120
Speaker 3: to share your life with and that in some ways,

548
00:28:46,840 --> 00:28:49,960
Speaker 3: but in in other ways. If someone shows up in

549
00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:55,240
Speaker 3: your life who's not that way, you'll diminish their love

550
00:28:55,320 --> 00:29:00,200
Speaker 3: for you, m because they can't coexist with what you

551
00:29:00,640 --> 00:29:04,720
Speaker 3: fundamentally believe to be true. Does that make sense?

552
00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:05,920
Speaker 4: It does? Yeah. Right.

553
00:29:05,920 --> 00:29:07,280
Speaker 3: I don't want to sound like I'm some kind of

554
00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:10,560
Speaker 3: freaking psyde kick or something, because I'm not. But I

555
00:29:10,560 --> 00:29:12,840
Speaker 3: do want you to know like we are very much

556
00:29:12,920 --> 00:29:15,360
Speaker 3: driven by what's in the background of our thoughts, not

557
00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:18,440
Speaker 3: but what's in the for not by a logic. There's

558
00:29:18,520 --> 00:29:22,360
Speaker 3: like a there's like the logic, you would say, and

559
00:29:22,400 --> 00:29:28,120
Speaker 3: then there's the logic that drives here. Right, So as

560
00:29:28,200 --> 00:29:33,080
Speaker 3: uncomfortable as it as to hear. Any relationship you've been

561
00:29:33,160 --> 00:29:39,040
Speaker 3: in has been no accident, right, It's been something you've

562
00:29:39,040 --> 00:29:43,240
Speaker 3: been Whether you're conscious of us or not, doesn't matter.

563
00:29:43,920 --> 00:29:47,600
Speaker 3: It's something you've been a vilable for, even though you

564
00:29:47,680 --> 00:29:51,480
Speaker 3: might not want it. Yeah, you're a vilable for it.

565
00:29:52,760 --> 00:29:56,480
Speaker 3: So I would invite you to try on that the

566
00:29:56,600 --> 00:29:59,320
Speaker 3: work that if I were you, that i'd be interested

567
00:29:59,360 --> 00:30:05,320
Speaker 3: in dealing would be like get into the heart of

568
00:30:07,640 --> 00:30:16,000
Speaker 3: that experience yourself not being loved mm, because that that's

569
00:30:16,040 --> 00:30:18,880
Speaker 3: what will cause more damage than anything. In fact, I

570
00:30:18,920 --> 00:30:22,320
Speaker 3: would assert has caused the most damage with you.

571
00:30:22,600 --> 00:30:23,160
Speaker 2: Oh for sure.

572
00:30:23,200 --> 00:30:25,720
Speaker 4: I mean that's one thousand percent. I mean even to

573
00:30:25,800 --> 00:30:30,840
Speaker 4: this day, like you know you love no. I mean

574
00:30:30,840 --> 00:30:32,520
Speaker 4: it's so true because even to this day, it's like

575
00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:34,920
Speaker 4: I'm still trying to get the love from my ex

576
00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:36,520
Speaker 4: husband who hates me, you know, and.

577
00:30:36,440 --> 00:30:37,520
Speaker 2: I'm like, well, why do you hate me?

578
00:30:37,560 --> 00:30:39,840
Speaker 4: You're the one that ruined us. Like I'm still trying

579
00:30:39,880 --> 00:30:42,120
Speaker 4: to get love from people that you know, But it

580
00:30:42,160 --> 00:30:44,280
Speaker 4: all comes back to my father because he left and

581
00:30:44,320 --> 00:30:46,040
Speaker 4: I was in love, you know, like the little girl,

582
00:30:46,160 --> 00:30:48,959
Speaker 4: and like I know, I know all that, but I

583
00:30:49,080 --> 00:30:50,080
Speaker 4: can't don't.

584
00:30:50,240 --> 00:30:51,800
Speaker 3: Now you don't, No, you don't.

585
00:30:51,880 --> 00:30:53,920
Speaker 4: But I know it, but I don't believe that, like

586
00:30:54,000 --> 00:30:54,720
Speaker 4: I am love.

587
00:30:54,920 --> 00:30:56,680
Speaker 2: So it's like when you laugh.

588
00:30:56,880 --> 00:31:00,320
Speaker 3: When he laughed, right and your dad laugh Yeah, all right,

589
00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:04,720
Speaker 3: you're ready. I'm like rocky now, all right, so so

590
00:31:04,920 --> 00:31:11,400
Speaker 3: put your freaking seat belts. So I'm all right. So

591
00:31:11,440 --> 00:31:12,680
Speaker 3: how old were you when you left?

592
00:31:13,280 --> 00:31:15,600
Speaker 4: Well, he started to be absent when I was five,

593
00:31:16,560 --> 00:31:20,880
Speaker 4: but he officially left the family when I was thirteen.

594
00:31:21,120 --> 00:31:24,720
Speaker 3: All right. And then between the ages of five and

595
00:31:24,760 --> 00:31:26,440
Speaker 3: thirteen would he come and go.

596
00:31:26,880 --> 00:31:29,000
Speaker 4: Yeah, I just felt like he was always angry and

597
00:31:29,040 --> 00:31:31,240
Speaker 4: I would want to like have that like dad dad,

598
00:31:31,280 --> 00:31:33,000
Speaker 4: but like he never answered me back, and so it

599
00:31:33,120 --> 00:31:34,840
Speaker 4: just felt like a because he wasn't really like and

600
00:31:34,880 --> 00:31:36,960
Speaker 4: now we have a great relationship, but I just he

601
00:31:37,080 --> 00:31:41,120
Speaker 4: wasn't present, and I just he was always very angry,

602
00:31:41,160 --> 00:31:41,440
Speaker 4: and I.

603
00:31:41,400 --> 00:31:42,040
Speaker 2: Was scared of him.

604
00:31:42,320 --> 00:31:43,280
Speaker 3: What did you make that mean?

605
00:31:43,880 --> 00:31:47,640
Speaker 4: Oh, that I'm not a good girl, that I'm not

606
00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:49,920
Speaker 4: worth it, I'm not lovable, I'm.

607
00:31:49,760 --> 00:31:51,880
Speaker 3: Not too You got to sit with me a minute,

608
00:31:51,880 --> 00:31:53,440
Speaker 3: You got to think for a set.

609
00:31:53,720 --> 00:31:54,080
Speaker 4: Uh huh.

610
00:31:54,120 --> 00:31:55,760
Speaker 2: It's too flippant, too flippant.

611
00:31:57,040 --> 00:31:59,280
Speaker 3: So I need you to be with me for a moment,

612
00:31:59,400 --> 00:32:02,520
Speaker 3: could just be with i'ment. I want you to kind

613
00:32:02,520 --> 00:32:05,400
Speaker 3: of put yourself back then, like just less your thoughts

614
00:32:05,440 --> 00:32:07,520
Speaker 3: go back to some of those incidents, because some of

615
00:32:07,560 --> 00:32:10,200
Speaker 3: them are more wives than others, Like I remember the

616
00:32:10,280 --> 00:32:13,960
Speaker 3: time when right, You've got a couple of those in mind, right, Yeah,

617
00:32:14,400 --> 00:32:16,320
Speaker 3: why you have those in mind, by the way, because

618
00:32:16,320 --> 00:32:20,600
Speaker 3: they were pederl So you have a memory of that moment,

619
00:32:20,640 --> 00:32:23,200
Speaker 3: but you also have all the emotional attachment to that

620
00:32:23,240 --> 00:32:25,920
Speaker 3: moment and it's still here. So if I talk to

621
00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:27,720
Speaker 3: you about that moment you start to share with me

622
00:32:27,760 --> 00:32:31,000
Speaker 3: that moment, all of those experiences will be right. You

623
00:32:31,120 --> 00:32:34,600
Speaker 3: feel like you're there right as it falls out of

624
00:32:34,640 --> 00:32:37,480
Speaker 3: your mind. Yeah, so I want you to kind of

625
00:32:37,520 --> 00:32:39,480
Speaker 3: recollect one of those moments. You don't even have to

626
00:32:39,520 --> 00:32:42,280
Speaker 3: tell me, Okay, that's when you recollect the moment. It

627
00:32:42,280 --> 00:32:45,520
Speaker 3: can be in the presence at the moment, like that

628
00:32:45,640 --> 00:32:50,840
Speaker 3: moment that you demand Burner when he and you and

629
00:32:51,160 --> 00:32:53,360
Speaker 3: the earliest one you can remember, just the first one

630
00:32:53,400 --> 00:32:57,240
Speaker 3: like yeah, I was probably blah blah blah, and we

631
00:32:57,240 --> 00:33:00,000
Speaker 3: were sitting or standing or you know, where were you

632
00:33:01,440 --> 00:33:03,320
Speaker 3: and what do you demember about? What was going on

633
00:33:03,360 --> 00:33:10,320
Speaker 3: around here, and he said that, and you had said

634
00:33:10,400 --> 00:33:15,880
Speaker 3: blah blah blah. And in that moment, what did you

635
00:33:15,920 --> 00:33:16,680
Speaker 3: say to yourself?

636
00:33:19,440 --> 00:33:20,240
Speaker 4: I'm not safe?

637
00:33:24,160 --> 00:33:34,320
Speaker 3: Okay, yeah, good job, which still rattles around in your case.

638
00:33:34,400 --> 00:33:44,120
Speaker 3: That's why you're so independent, hm mm hmmmm mmm mm hmmm,

639
00:33:45,440 --> 00:33:51,320
Speaker 3: fearfully and dependent. You're not easy to love. Now, you're

640
00:33:51,360 --> 00:34:01,600
Speaker 3: hard to love because yourself robust sofa you know, so

641
00:34:02,120 --> 00:34:07,360
Speaker 3: if you're a challenge for somebody to love, and yet

642
00:34:08,520 --> 00:34:12,399
Speaker 3: your fundamental complaint is I'm not loved. I'm not safe,

643
00:34:12,440 --> 00:34:16,279
Speaker 3: I'm not loved. Do you know how I knew that

644
00:34:16,400 --> 00:34:18,040
Speaker 3: was the words that you said, I'm not saying Do

645
00:34:18,040 --> 00:34:22,440
Speaker 3: you know why I knew that was it? Because it's

646
00:34:22,520 --> 00:34:27,880
Speaker 3: not sophisticated, simple, That's what a kid would say to themselves.

647
00:34:32,600 --> 00:34:35,080
Speaker 3: Now you see how like right now you're your child.

648
00:34:37,640 --> 00:34:43,160
Speaker 3: You get that you're doing great. You're doing great. Letter

649
00:34:43,239 --> 00:34:46,759
Speaker 3: all up, Let letter that shut up. It's good. This

650
00:34:46,920 --> 00:34:47,840
Speaker 3: is good stuff for you.

651
00:34:49,560 --> 00:34:51,560
Speaker 4: Oh, I just I just hate it because I don't

652
00:34:51,600 --> 00:34:53,640
Speaker 4: want it to ruin, Like I don't want to not

653
00:34:53,719 --> 00:34:55,480
Speaker 4: be lovable, because that's all I want is love.

654
00:34:55,800 --> 00:34:59,000
Speaker 3: That's all the independence, that's all the independence. Talking right now,

655
00:35:00,600 --> 00:35:03,800
Speaker 3: let it just let it be, don't wrestle with it,

656
00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:08,320
Speaker 3: just let it be. Just let it be. Let it

657
00:35:09,160 --> 00:35:12,359
Speaker 3: be itself. You don't have to make that be any

658
00:35:12,400 --> 00:35:16,040
Speaker 3: other way than the way that it adds mhm. See.

659
00:35:16,160 --> 00:35:19,239
Speaker 3: The wrestling with something like that is actually what keeps

660
00:35:19,280 --> 00:35:23,080
Speaker 3: in existence. So if I keep wrestling with it, I'm

661
00:35:23,160 --> 00:35:25,799
Speaker 3: not enough. I'm living a life if I'm not enough.

662
00:35:27,560 --> 00:35:29,279
Speaker 3: If I let it be itself, if I give it

663
00:35:29,360 --> 00:35:33,200
Speaker 3: a little better room for itself, I'm not defined by it.

664
00:35:35,280 --> 00:35:38,400
Speaker 3: So that this is the sort of work that you

665
00:35:38,480 --> 00:35:40,400
Speaker 3: need to do. You need to, You need to You

666
00:35:40,480 --> 00:35:42,120
Speaker 3: need to kind of do that work to can appeal

667
00:35:42,239 --> 00:35:46,879
Speaker 3: back some layers and deal with your own sentence. See

668
00:35:46,920 --> 00:35:50,680
Speaker 3: that's why my relationship book it's not about can get

669
00:35:50,760 --> 00:35:54,840
Speaker 3: along with somebody else, that's part of it. But it's like,

670
00:35:56,040 --> 00:36:00,400
Speaker 3: who is in this relationship? Well, and your relationship is

671
00:36:00,920 --> 00:36:04,920
Speaker 3: I'm not safe, so back the off. That's who's in

672
00:36:05,000 --> 00:36:09,719
Speaker 3: your relationship? Yeah right, And it's being in your relationship

673
00:36:10,160 --> 00:36:12,640
Speaker 3: and it's pushed people away who said they dead love

674
00:36:12,719 --> 00:36:16,920
Speaker 3: your right, So then that's out and what and then

675
00:36:17,120 --> 00:36:19,960
Speaker 3: and then but again it's funny, this is the kind

676
00:36:20,000 --> 00:36:24,680
Speaker 3: of cycle of I don't listen. My second book book

677
00:36:24,800 --> 00:36:27,480
Speaker 3: was called why is not That? That was my favorite.

678
00:36:27,719 --> 00:36:30,640
Speaker 3: It was called stop doing that and up break down,

679
00:36:30,840 --> 00:36:34,759
Speaker 3: Like what your self sabotaged is really all about what

680
00:36:34,920 --> 00:36:37,799
Speaker 3: it actually is doing and why it does what it does.

681
00:36:39,200 --> 00:36:43,960
Speaker 3: And unless you fully understand that, you'll just live a

682
00:36:44,040 --> 00:36:48,360
Speaker 3: life of being run by it. It'll run you and

683
00:36:48,480 --> 00:36:51,040
Speaker 3: you get so focused on your circumstances that you won't

684
00:36:51,040 --> 00:36:55,359
Speaker 3: see what's running it. So if you think, like if

685
00:36:55,440 --> 00:36:59,000
Speaker 3: my internal mechanism, so part of mine is I'm not

686
00:36:59,160 --> 00:37:03,480
Speaker 3: smart enough? Mhm, right, that's part of my internal mechanism.

687
00:37:03,840 --> 00:37:07,800
Speaker 3: I'm a New York Times bestselling author and my internal

688
00:37:07,920 --> 00:37:13,200
Speaker 3: mechanism is I'm not smart enough. So I had to

689
00:37:13,320 --> 00:37:15,680
Speaker 3: really recognize what was a play in my life before

690
00:37:15,680 --> 00:37:20,440
Speaker 3: I could ever even write a book. But that never

691
00:37:20,560 --> 00:37:25,520
Speaker 3: goes away. It comes up, That shows up, and it

692
00:37:25,600 --> 00:37:29,960
Speaker 3: starts to can influence my decisions and my thoughts if

693
00:37:30,040 --> 00:37:35,279
Speaker 3: I don't take responsibility for it, because it'll it's again

694
00:37:35,440 --> 00:37:37,600
Speaker 3: something from when I was a kid that I learned

695
00:37:37,640 --> 00:37:40,000
Speaker 3: that I would now have to overcome to make it

696
00:37:40,120 --> 00:37:43,439
Speaker 3: in this life. You get why it's there. It's more

697
00:37:44,400 --> 00:37:49,000
Speaker 3: survival than they'd like to imagine. Yeah, but the background noise,

698
00:37:51,920 --> 00:38:01,319
Speaker 3: it's not you, it's automatically what's there with you. Why

699
00:38:01,440 --> 00:38:03,919
Speaker 3: you got moved by that is because you started to see,

700
00:38:04,800 --> 00:38:07,800
Speaker 3: really see what that life has actually been like for you,

701
00:38:10,560 --> 00:38:14,000
Speaker 3: the life of that noise. And that's what you have

702
00:38:14,120 --> 00:38:19,359
Speaker 3: to start really understanding, like what you're sentencing yourself. It's

703
00:38:19,400 --> 00:38:22,279
Speaker 3: not about finding the right person, it's about finally coming

704
00:38:22,480 --> 00:38:27,480
Speaker 3: to terms whether one you've become. M hm, I as

705
00:38:27,560 --> 00:38:30,959
Speaker 3: certains human beings can love anybody. I've got T shirts

706
00:38:31,000 --> 00:38:33,040
Speaker 3: that I love, like authentically, I love it like I

707
00:38:33,640 --> 00:38:37,239
Speaker 3: you know, I do, like I get objects, you know,

708
00:38:37,400 --> 00:38:41,759
Speaker 3: like guitars, and you know, like I love that thing

709
00:38:44,120 --> 00:38:48,000
Speaker 3: I do. And of course I love my wife and

710
00:38:48,040 --> 00:38:50,879
Speaker 3: I love my children dearly. But at the same time,

711
00:38:51,640 --> 00:38:56,279
Speaker 3: it was a struggle for me growing up was being

712
00:38:56,320 --> 00:39:00,600
Speaker 3: able to say it, like I couldn't get a in

713
00:39:00,719 --> 00:39:05,680
Speaker 3: math ins. I to reinvent myself in my forties to

714
00:39:05,800 --> 00:39:09,160
Speaker 3: become a loving man, because if I looked at who

715
00:39:09,200 --> 00:39:12,920
Speaker 3: had been like if you look in your relationship, you're

716
00:39:12,960 --> 00:39:17,040
Speaker 3: being cynical, right, and you're being cynical a lot more

717
00:39:17,120 --> 00:39:20,359
Speaker 3: than you think you are. And in those moments where

718
00:39:20,360 --> 00:39:22,319
Speaker 3: you catch yourself being cynically, You're like, hold on, man,

719
00:39:23,560 --> 00:39:26,560
Speaker 3: this is I want this to be a loving right now,

720
00:39:27,200 --> 00:39:28,640
Speaker 3: I said i'd be loving, and I'm going to do

721
00:39:28,719 --> 00:39:30,439
Speaker 3: I'm going to deal with this in a loving way,

722
00:39:30,840 --> 00:39:35,560
Speaker 3: not a cynical way. You're already interrupting those patterns. You're

723
00:39:35,600 --> 00:39:40,759
Speaker 3: already changing your pathway. And for me, when I when

724
00:39:40,760 --> 00:39:42,520
Speaker 3: I when I really started to be taking myself home

725
00:39:42,640 --> 00:39:47,040
Speaker 3: like that, it was expressing my love to people, taking

726
00:39:47,120 --> 00:39:49,719
Speaker 3: the time look them in the eye and say I

727
00:39:49,800 --> 00:39:52,200
Speaker 3: love you. And it was weird at the beginning, you know,

728
00:39:52,640 --> 00:39:54,319
Speaker 3: it was weird as I felt as if somebody had

729
00:39:54,360 --> 00:40:01,960
Speaker 3: taken over my body. No, it's gonna I know.

730
00:40:02,600 --> 00:40:04,800
Speaker 2: It makes me practice hugs because I don't.

731
00:40:04,680 --> 00:40:08,279
Speaker 3: Right, No, that's fine. To break down some of your

732
00:40:08,400 --> 00:40:12,960
Speaker 3: default what and not going to feel the philosophy ontology,

733
00:40:13,000 --> 00:40:15,160
Speaker 3: It kind of breaks down some of your default ways

734
00:40:15,239 --> 00:40:19,200
Speaker 3: of being and acting, so you're actively breaking them down.

735
00:40:22,400 --> 00:40:25,560
Speaker 3: Therapists call it cognitive behavioral therapy, but it's been around

736
00:40:25,640 --> 00:40:30,400
Speaker 3: for about two thousand years. Anyway, Stoic stomics were doing it,

737
00:40:31,440 --> 00:40:34,759
Speaker 3: but but behaving in ways that are more consistent with

738
00:40:34,960 --> 00:40:38,400
Speaker 3: who you would say you are and the absence of

739
00:40:38,480 --> 00:40:43,040
Speaker 3: the feelings for sure. So it it's doing in the

740
00:40:43,160 --> 00:40:46,920
Speaker 3: absence of feeling. So some things I might feel cynical,

741
00:40:48,719 --> 00:40:52,719
Speaker 3: but I catch myself like, oh, I'm doing that's thing

742
00:40:52,800 --> 00:40:55,799
Speaker 3: that I get, and I'm about to make this relationship

743
00:40:55,840 --> 00:40:59,440
Speaker 3: about that too. I'm going to love this person. And

744
00:40:59,480 --> 00:41:02,520
Speaker 3: I might even say, listen, this is awkward for me.

745
00:41:02,800 --> 00:41:07,160
Speaker 3: That is not I am not comfortable right now, and

746
00:41:07,840 --> 00:41:12,440
Speaker 3: I think we should we should probably hug right, Like

747
00:41:12,640 --> 00:41:15,759
Speaker 3: that's you dealing with yourself. Yeah, And by the way,

748
00:41:17,840 --> 00:41:20,080
Speaker 3: if you start acknowledging things like that, that's one of

749
00:41:20,120 --> 00:41:22,480
Speaker 3: the very few times in your day when you'll actually

750
00:41:22,600 --> 00:41:27,520
Speaker 3: be being authentically you mm hm, instead of the you

751
00:41:27,760 --> 00:41:29,680
Speaker 3: that you've kind of build up to try and make

752
00:41:29,760 --> 00:41:30,480
Speaker 3: it in this life.

753
00:41:32,080 --> 00:41:35,200
Speaker 4: I have like one last question that just came from

754
00:41:35,920 --> 00:41:38,600
Speaker 4: you know, me saying that I didn't feel safe when

755
00:41:38,640 --> 00:41:41,600
Speaker 4: I look back on my relationship with Max's husband or

756
00:41:41,760 --> 00:41:47,440
Speaker 4: any relationship that was really my longer ones that they

757
00:41:47,480 --> 00:41:51,799
Speaker 4: were all abusive and I was so unsafe in those

758
00:41:52,400 --> 00:41:53,879
Speaker 4: and the other ones I pushed away.

759
00:41:54,000 --> 00:41:56,279
Speaker 3: So what is that is that, like you have to

760
00:41:56,560 --> 00:42:01,800
Speaker 3: you have to prove it true there justify to justify

761
00:42:01,920 --> 00:42:02,680
Speaker 3: your centicism.

762
00:42:02,920 --> 00:42:03,640
Speaker 4: Ye, there you go.

763
00:42:04,320 --> 00:42:06,840
Speaker 3: Wow, you have to prove it as accurate. Then you

764
00:42:06,920 --> 00:42:08,360
Speaker 3: can justify being independent.

765
00:42:08,880 --> 00:42:10,520
Speaker 4: Ye. I know you're going to hit me because I'm

766
00:42:10,560 --> 00:42:11,080
Speaker 4: not saying.

767
00:42:11,440 --> 00:42:14,400
Speaker 3: Here we go again, this is why I'm independent, senecal.

768
00:42:15,480 --> 00:42:18,319
Speaker 3: So ultimately, that's kind of like what all human beings

769
00:42:18,360 --> 00:42:23,280
Speaker 3: are driven to do is to prove what you've subconsciously

770
00:42:23,440 --> 00:42:27,600
Speaker 3: concluded to be true. So they prove it and then

771
00:42:27,680 --> 00:42:31,680
Speaker 3: they overcome it, and then they prove it, and then

772
00:42:31,719 --> 00:42:34,440
Speaker 3: they overcome it, and then they prove it and overcome it,

773
00:42:34,480 --> 00:42:35,920
Speaker 3: and they prove it, they overcome and then they can

774
00:42:36,040 --> 00:42:39,040
Speaker 3: die yep, God, and then they call it a life.

775
00:42:39,560 --> 00:42:41,080
Speaker 3: Until you nead so many my books and you're like,

776
00:42:41,160 --> 00:42:43,320
Speaker 3: what the what am I doing? Stop? I want to

777
00:42:43,360 --> 00:42:46,560
Speaker 3: go off. This is BS. I want to do something else.

778
00:42:46,719 --> 00:42:49,360
Speaker 3: I want to be somebody else. And I say, you

779
00:42:49,480 --> 00:42:53,080
Speaker 3: can be somebody else. You can actually be someone else,

780
00:42:54,520 --> 00:42:58,720
Speaker 3: but you have to fully see, acknowledge and take responsibility

781
00:42:59,040 --> 00:42:59,880
Speaker 3: for who you've been.

782
00:43:00,120 --> 00:43:05,759
Speaker 4: Come first, damn Gary tricking laying the gaun.

783
00:43:05,960 --> 00:43:07,440
Speaker 2: I just I am obsessed with you.

784
00:43:07,960 --> 00:43:12,640
Speaker 4: Thank you, it's so much. I'm going to read Loves

785
00:43:12,640 --> 00:43:15,719
Speaker 4: and every other book right now. I'm going on Amazon immediately,

786
00:43:15,800 --> 00:43:19,360
Speaker 4: and so is everyone that's listening right now. Awesome, But

787
00:43:19,480 --> 00:43:23,920
Speaker 4: thank you. I appreciate your words and I appreciate you

788
00:43:26,800 --> 00:43:28,320
Speaker 4: grounding this conversation.

789
00:43:28,760 --> 00:43:29,160
Speaker 2: So thank you.

790
00:43:29,719 --> 00:43:32,080
Speaker 3: Yeah, you're welcome, And I just want to thank you

791
00:43:32,200 --> 00:43:35,000
Speaker 3: for your generous in sharing yourself with so many people,

792
00:43:35,080 --> 00:43:39,440
Speaker 3: because you know, when somebody does that, when you kind

793
00:43:39,440 --> 00:43:41,600
Speaker 3: of get a vulnerable it makes a difference for lots

794
00:43:41,640 --> 00:43:44,880
Speaker 3: of people. And so you can sit there knowing that

795
00:43:45,040 --> 00:43:48,120
Speaker 3: you got a load of something for yourself. But at

796
00:43:48,120 --> 00:43:51,560
Speaker 3: the same time, like you should know that there's people

797
00:43:51,640 --> 00:43:54,240
Speaker 3: out there who just got rocked by what you shared

798
00:43:54,280 --> 00:43:57,680
Speaker 3: and how you shared it, and you're inspiring people to

799
00:43:57,760 --> 00:44:01,279
Speaker 3: take themselves on and change their own life. And you

800
00:44:01,360 --> 00:44:03,680
Speaker 3: know that takes a lot, you know, because in this

801
00:44:03,960 --> 00:44:06,400
Speaker 3: format and doing what we do right, there's a lot

802
00:44:06,440 --> 00:44:08,040
Speaker 3: of looking good and there's a lot of like, you know,

803
00:44:08,160 --> 00:44:11,680
Speaker 3: having to keep your together and and I say, for Black,

804
00:44:11,800 --> 00:44:15,160
Speaker 3: you know, like admitting you don't have your together is

805
00:44:15,200 --> 00:44:16,560
Speaker 3: the new having your together.

806
00:44:18,760 --> 00:44:22,840
Speaker 4: Amen that Gary, Well, thank you so much, Mabe. I

807
00:44:22,880 --> 00:44:25,040
Speaker 4: appreciate it, and we'll have you back.

808
00:44:24,920 --> 00:44:25,399
Speaker 2: On for sure.

809
00:44:25,480 --> 00:44:27,120
Speaker 3: So thank you, welcome, Thanks for having me.

810
00:44:27,280 --> 00:44:29,880
Speaker 4: Okanks, all right, bye, Gary, I'll work on my accents,

811
00:44:29,920 --> 00:44:30,399
Speaker 4: don't worry.

812
00:44:32,840 --> 00:44:38,480
Speaker 2: Thank you, By my god, Wow, I love him.

813
00:44:38,840 --> 00:44:43,920
Speaker 4: My kind of like just therapist, like, oh I loved it.

814
00:44:44,239 --> 00:44:47,040
Speaker 4: I just like because I had to prove it over

815
00:44:47,120 --> 00:44:48,760
Speaker 4: and over that I wasn't safe.

816
00:44:49,160 --> 00:44:50,719
Speaker 5: Yeah, it's like you that is true.

817
00:44:50,880 --> 00:44:51,719
Speaker 2: You had to prove it true.

818
00:44:51,760 --> 00:44:54,360
Speaker 4: And then I'm like, yeah, wow, because we've.

819
00:44:54,200 --> 00:44:56,200
Speaker 5: Always kind of wondered like what is that? Like why

820
00:44:56,239 --> 00:44:56,879
Speaker 5: does that happen?

821
00:44:57,400 --> 00:44:57,600
Speaker 3: Yeah?

822
00:44:57,920 --> 00:44:58,760
Speaker 2: And it's wow.

823
00:44:59,719 --> 00:45:02,400
Speaker 5: I just like how it is because I'm trying to

824
00:45:02,560 --> 00:45:05,759
Speaker 5: go that way in therapy anyway now. But it's like

825
00:45:06,000 --> 00:45:09,160
Speaker 5: really just looking at yourself, not why are things in

826
00:45:09,239 --> 00:45:10,360
Speaker 5: this relationship doing this?

827
00:45:10,520 --> 00:45:10,640
Speaker 3: Why?

828
00:45:10,880 --> 00:45:13,840
Speaker 5: Like, and that is just it's powerful because if you

829
00:45:14,000 --> 00:45:17,600
Speaker 5: just own yourself and take care of yourself.

830
00:45:17,320 --> 00:45:19,600
Speaker 4: And not what's Nick doing wrong or what's this person

831
00:45:19,680 --> 00:45:20,040
Speaker 4: doing wrong?

832
00:45:20,200 --> 00:45:20,840
Speaker 3: Or who you know?

833
00:45:21,120 --> 00:45:22,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, and we're all cynical.

834
00:45:22,680 --> 00:45:24,800
Speaker 5: Like when he said that, I was like, yeah, I

835
00:45:24,920 --> 00:45:25,720
Speaker 5: know about myself.

836
00:45:26,480 --> 00:45:29,040
Speaker 4: Yeah he rocked me.

837
00:45:30,840 --> 00:45:31,080
Speaker 3: Rocked.

838
00:45:31,360 --> 00:45:33,719
Speaker 4: I mean that was just but like, but now it

839
00:45:33,840 --> 00:45:37,120
Speaker 4: makes sense why I chose those types of people over

840
00:45:37,160 --> 00:45:40,680
Speaker 4: and over again, Like because I'm proving that I'm not

841
00:45:40,800 --> 00:45:43,040
Speaker 4: safe anytime up Yep, I'm not safe.

842
00:45:43,200 --> 00:45:47,200
Speaker 2: I told you, I told myself. Yeah wow, Jana, good job,

843
00:45:47,280 --> 00:45:50,480
Speaker 2: you really proved it to yourself. Good on your girl,

844
00:45:50,840 --> 00:45:51,480
Speaker 2: Yeah you too.

845
00:45:51,560 --> 00:45:57,480
Speaker 4: Good All right, Well I'm just golblow my nose now,

846
00:45:57,560 --> 00:45:58,719
Speaker 4: so I'll see you guys next week.

847
00:46:00,120 --> 00:46:00,319
Speaker 3: An