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Speaker 1: Ya. Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a

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Speaker 1: weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the

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Speaker 1: small decisions we can make to become the best possible

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Speaker 1: versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy hard and Bradford,

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Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or

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Speaker 1: to find a therapist in your area, visit our website

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Speaker 1: at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. While I hope

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Speaker 1: you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it

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Speaker 1: is not meant to be a substitute for a relationship

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Speaker 1: with a licensed mental health professional. Hey y'all, thanks so

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Speaker 1: much for joining me for session one oh six of

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Speaker 1: the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. Mother's Day is coming

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Speaker 1: up this weekend, and while many may be celebrating, for

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Speaker 1: some this holiday can be very difficult for a variety

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Speaker 1: of reasons. One that is often too taboo to discuss

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Speaker 1: is when you have chosen to have a very limited

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Speaker 1: or non existent relationship with your mother. So that's what

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Speaker 1: I want to dig into today, but first let's show

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Speaker 1: some love to our sponsors for today's episode. I'm happy

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Speaker 1: to be working with medi Q again this year on

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Speaker 1: another very important health initiative to raise awareness about sexual

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Speaker 1: health and HIV transmission. Medi Q is an accredited medical

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Speaker 1: education company that provides an exceptional educational experience for physicians, nurses, pharmacists,

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Speaker 1: and other health care professionals. You know that here on

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Speaker 1: the podcast, we've had several guests talking about things like

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Speaker 1: sexual confidence, reducing your shame around sex, and how to

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Speaker 1: be more comfortable with having conversations with your partners about

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Speaker 1: getting your knees met well. An important component of all

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Speaker 1: of these things is making sure that we're prioritizing our

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Speaker 1: safety and health. Sadly, the HIV rates for Black women

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Speaker 1: remains six times as high as that of white women

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Speaker 1: and five times higher than that of Hispanic women. I

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Speaker 1: want us to take control of our sexual health by

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Speaker 1: making sure that we're protecting ourselves. One method that has

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Speaker 1: been shown to be incredibly effective in reducing the risk

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Speaker 1: of contracting HIV is through taking prep prep stands for

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Speaker 1: pre exposure, prophylaxis and as a daily medication that, when

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Speaker 1: taking regularly, can reduce the risk of contracting HIV by

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Speaker 1: more than and when taken in combination with using condoms

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Speaker 1: and other prevention methods, can reduce this risk even more.

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Speaker 1: To find out If preface for you are to find

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Speaker 1: a healthcare provider in your area who is familiar with

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Speaker 1: the medication, you can visit PREP locator dot org. Most

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Speaker 1: private and state medicaid plans cover PREP, and you may

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Speaker 1: also be able to receive copay assistance to pay for

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Speaker 1: the medication through the drug manufacturers or patient advocacy foundations.

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Speaker 1: To help us continue to raise awareness and get more

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Speaker 1: information about this important issue, please participate in a short

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Speaker 1: survey med i q is conducting at Therapy for Black

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Speaker 1: Girls dot com slash med i q. The survey, which

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Speaker 1: includes more education on this topic, will take less than

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Speaker 1: fifteen minutes to complete. Survey responses are anonymous and will

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Speaker 1: only be shared in aggregate. Your responses to these survey

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Speaker 1: questions will provide us with important information about how women

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Speaker 1: communicate with their physicians about their sexual health. The insights

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Speaker 1: gained from the survey will be used in an educational

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Speaker 1: tool to provide information that may be useful in keeping

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Speaker 1: the lines of communication open with health care teams. Once

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Speaker 1: you've completed the survey, you'll be asked to provide your

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Speaker 1: email dressed if you'd like to be entered into a

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Speaker 1: drawing administered by so Much strategies to win one of

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Speaker 1: eight on visa gift cards. If you choose to enter,

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Speaker 1: your email address will not be sold kept our stored

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Speaker 1: email addresses are used only to randomly draw the winners

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Speaker 1: and notify them of their prize. Again. You can find

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Speaker 1: that survey at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash

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Speaker 1: mad i Q. Support for today's podcast also comes from

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Speaker 1: the Color Noir coloring book app. If you're part of

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Speaker 1: the Thrive Tribe or follow us on our social media channels,

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Speaker 1: there's a good chance you've caught one of our conversations

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Speaker 1: about many sisters enjoying coloring books and coloring apps as

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Speaker 1: a part of their stress management or self care routine.

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Speaker 1: Coloring can be incredibly helpful in managing anxiety, helping you

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Speaker 1: to be more in touch with the present moment, and

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Speaker 1: engaging your sense of playfulness that is often lost when

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Speaker 1: we grow up. So I'm incredibly excited to tell you

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Speaker 1: about Color Noir in O I R, which is the

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Speaker 1: experience using coloring to celebrate black girl magic in all

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Speaker 1: of its glory. I've had a chance of download it,

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Speaker 1: and I know several of you have already, and I've

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Speaker 1: seen your beautiful pictures. I know that those of you

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Speaker 1: get all the amazing images, updates and premium content dropping

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Speaker 1: each and every month. Again, it's available in iOS in

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Speaker 1: the app Store, is coming to Android soon, and the

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Speaker 1: name of the app is Color Noir in O I R.

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Speaker 1: Now let's get back to the show. As I mentioned

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Speaker 1: earlier in the episode, many of us have very painful

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Speaker 1: feelings about Mother's Day because of painful relationships with our mothers.

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Speaker 1: I think it's time for us to be really honest

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Speaker 1: about how harmful and damaging some of our mothers have been.

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Speaker 1: Although the image we have of mothers is that they're loving, nurturing,

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Speaker 1: kind and full of praise, The truth is that they

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Speaker 1: can sometimes be judgmental, manipulative, critical, and mean. Simply because

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Speaker 1: someone is related to us by blood and may have

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Speaker 1: even been the one to birth us or raise us

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Speaker 1: does not give them a pass to be cruel and

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Speaker 1: harmful to us. In our culture, we're taught to celebrate

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Speaker 1: and revere our mothers. But what happens if the relationship

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Speaker 1: with your mother is much more complicated, or if you

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Speaker 1: don't have a relationship with your mother at all. Mother's

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Speaker 1: Day can bring up lots of feelings for people who

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Speaker 1: have complicated or non existent relationships with their mothers. So

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Speaker 1: I wanted to chat some today about how to take

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Speaker 1: care of yourself if that's the case. So Number one,

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Speaker 1: I want you to be really gentle with yourself and

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Speaker 1: allow yourself to experience whatever feelings you may be feeling

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Speaker 1: as a result of this holiday. You're sure to be

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Speaker 1: bombarded with lots of messages about what this day should

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Speaker 1: look like, and you may have feelings of sadness, disappointment, anger,

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Speaker 1: and a host of other things. It's okay for you

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Speaker 1: to feel all of that. Number two, don't allow yourself

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Speaker 1: to be guilted into feeling or doing something in particular

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Speaker 1: with relation to your mother simply because other people think

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Speaker 1: that you should. If you've decided to have limited or

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Speaker 1: no contact with your mother, it's likely been for good reason,

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Speaker 1: and you're entitled to setting that boundary, and it's okay

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Speaker 1: for you to honor that. Number three, allow yourself to

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Speaker 1: grieve the laws of what you hope this relationship should

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Speaker 1: or might have been. Be sure to show yourself some

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Speaker 1: extra love right now. A part of you may be

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Speaker 1: feeling really good about choosing yourself, but another part of

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Speaker 1: you may be feeling really sad about not having the

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Speaker 1: connection you wish you could have had with your mother.

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Speaker 1: And number four, affirm for yourself that choosing to have

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Speaker 1: a limited or non existent relationship with your mother is

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Speaker 1: not your fault. Whatever your mother did to hurt you

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Speaker 1: had nothing to do with anything you did. You were

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Speaker 1: not a bad child, You are not undeserving of love.

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Speaker 1: You are still worthy, And even though it's disappointing that

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Speaker 1: these things weren't freely offered by your mother, you can

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Speaker 1: still have these things and you still deserve them. I

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Speaker 1: also want to take this time to issue a challenge

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Speaker 1: to everyone listening to be really sensitive when you hear

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Speaker 1: other sisters talking about painful relationships with their mothers, Hearing

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Speaker 1: things like you only have one mother are not really

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Speaker 1: helpful and they minimize the very real pain and trauma

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Speaker 1: many have experienced at the hands of their mothers, So

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Speaker 1: please be mindful of this when you run into this situation.

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Speaker 1: If Mother's Day is difficult for you because of a

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Speaker 1: complicated relationship with your mother and you want to share,

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Speaker 1: please share with us on social media how you have

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Speaker 1: or plan on taking care of yourself this weekend and

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Speaker 1: what kinds of things have been helpful to you in

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Speaker 1: managing your feelings about your mother. Be sure to use

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Speaker 1: the hashtag TBG in session so that we can keep

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Speaker 1: up with the conversation. Now, let's dive into some on

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Speaker 1: the porch questions. Question number one is from Gladys. This

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Speaker 1: is a name I've given her. I'm in a four

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Speaker 1: year relationship and we are currently not in a happy place.

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Speaker 1: My boyfriend told me he is not happy with us

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Speaker 1: and feels less connected to me. He is not sure

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Speaker 1: how he feels about me and our future, and that

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Speaker 1: makes me really sad. It's been about three weeks since

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Speaker 1: he told me, and we're trying to work it out

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Speaker 1: by talking and seeing what we can do, but he

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Speaker 1: seems to have no ideas on how we can work

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Speaker 1: on it. I just feel confused and shocked, and also

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Speaker 1: have no idea. We've been living together for three years,

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Speaker 1: and since the past week it has been hard and

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Speaker 1: painful being with him knowing he is unsure. At the

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Speaker 1: same time, I don't want to go too far because

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Speaker 1: I fear he might not even fight, But I feel

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Speaker 1: sad and don't know what to do. Do you have

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Speaker 1: any tips you can give me our steps I can

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Speaker 1: take to work on our relationship, and how do I

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Speaker 1: know he is willing to put in the work. Thanks

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Speaker 1: so much for your question, Gladys. I'm really glad you

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Speaker 1: wrote in, and I'm really sorry here that you and

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Speaker 1: your partner are struggling right now. I'm sure that it

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Speaker 1: must feel incredibly painful to be continuing to share space

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Speaker 1: with someone who's unsure about you. If you can, I

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Speaker 1: would really strongly enourage you and your partner to do

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Speaker 1: some couples counseling if you can. It may help you

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Speaker 1: to have an objective party walk both of you through

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Speaker 1: what's been happening, and to have a space where you

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Speaker 1: and your partner can hopefully share your concerns, where you

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Speaker 1: can maybe even develop a plan for how you can

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Speaker 1: move forward with the relationship, if that's what y'all choose.

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Speaker 1: It's not uncommon for one of both people in a

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Speaker 1: relationship to realize that they don't know what's happening in

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Speaker 1: the relationship or that they've lost their way and you're

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Speaker 1: unsure of how to get back on track. It sounds

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Speaker 1: like that's the confusion you are both experiencing right now,

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Speaker 1: which is why a therapist may be really helpful to

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Speaker 1: help you guys backtrack to figure out what happened and

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Speaker 1: if and how you might be able to move forward.

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Speaker 1: I do, though, want to call special attention to one

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Speaker 1: part of your letter where you said I don't want

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Speaker 1: to go too far because I fear he might not fight,

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Speaker 1: And I would encourage you to really sit with that

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Speaker 1: for a minute, because if you're fearful that you can't

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Speaker 1: even take some space to regroup after he said that

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Speaker 1: he's unsure about the state of the relationship and that

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Speaker 1: he might either end it or gradually just fade out,

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Speaker 1: Because now you need time to figure out what's happening

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Speaker 1: now that your world has been turned upside down. I

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Speaker 1: would really pay attention to that. It's very difficult to

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Speaker 1: make decisions that come from a healthy place when you're

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Speaker 1: afraid that anything you say or do might run someone off.

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Speaker 1: The truth is that if he's not committed to working

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Speaker 1: things out in the relationship, nothing you do will convince

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Speaker 1: him to be committed. So don't let your feelings and

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Speaker 1: desires get drowned out in this situation. If you need

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Speaker 1: time to figure out how you need to move forward,

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Speaker 1: then it's okay to give yourself that time. You're entitled

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Speaker 1: to that. Good luck. Question number two. Question number two

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Speaker 1: comes from Rachel, and she says, I'm twenty years old

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Speaker 1: and I am a student in college. While I haven't

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Speaker 1: been officially diagnosed, I believe I may suffer from social anxiety.

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Speaker 1: I've been trying to deny it, but the truth is

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Speaker 1: I have been dealing with this since elementary school. I

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Speaker 1: never had an issue making friends, but it is such

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Speaker 1: a chore hanging out with them, and it is even

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Speaker 1: more of a chore just talking to people in general.

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Speaker 1: It's getting to the point where I just want to

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Speaker 1: be alone all the time. I can't calm my thoughts

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Speaker 1: down in my head about what someone will think about me,

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Speaker 1: or whether or not I'll say something stupid, which is

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Speaker 1: what happens nine times out of ten. And recently I

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Speaker 1: have just decided to start kind of silencing myself amongst strangers, family,

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Speaker 1: and friends alike. It has made me such an awkward person,

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Speaker 1: and I'm pretty sure people think something is really wrong

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Speaker 1: with me. I have always felt incredibly small because I

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Speaker 1: feel different from everyone else. I don't have access to

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Speaker 1: good therapy right now because I'm a broke college student,

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Speaker 1: but I just wanted to know it if you had

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Speaker 1: any other tips for me to begin to overcome this.

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Speaker 1: It's kind of starting to consume my life, and at

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Speaker 1: twenty years old, I struggle just making small talk when

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Speaker 1: I should be more than capable of talking to others

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Speaker 1: without feeling nervous, babbling at my heart rate increasing so

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Speaker 1: much to where I can feel it in my whole body.

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Speaker 1: Thank you so much for writing in Rachel. I'm sure

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Speaker 1: that lots of people can relate to you with the

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Speaker 1: feeling of constantly overthinking what you're going to say in

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Speaker 1: conversations and how you're being perceived. I heard you say

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Speaker 1: that you are broke college students, so money for therapy

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Speaker 1: isn't there. I do just want to make sure that

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Speaker 1: you checked out whether there is any free therapy that

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Speaker 1: exists on your campus, as many campuses do have college

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Speaker 1: counseling centers that at least have some type of services,

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Speaker 1: even if it is limited, So make sure that you

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Speaker 1: check that out if you haven't already. But if there

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Speaker 1: are no services, I'd encourage you to take some time

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Speaker 1: checking out YouTube for some relaxation videos that you can

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Speaker 1: begin to practice that might help you to better manage

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Speaker 1: your anxiety. So the key to things like relaxation and

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Speaker 1: stuff like that is that you have to practice it

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Speaker 1: as much as possible when you're not anxious, so that

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Speaker 1: when you are anxious it's easier to access the things

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Speaker 1: that you've practiced. So find some videos that you like

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Speaker 1: and try practicing with them every night before bed to

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Speaker 1: get used to what it feels like for your body

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Speaker 1: to relax. And also encourage you to make yourself a

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Speaker 1: list of what kinds of social situations make you anxious

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Speaker 1: in order of least anxious to most anxious, and then

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Speaker 1: start working on the things that make you least anxious

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Speaker 1: over and over again. So let's say making eye contact

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Speaker 1: with strangers is the lowest thing on your list. For

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Speaker 1: a week, I want you to practice making eye contact

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Speaker 1: with as many strangers as possible, and then keeping a

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Speaker 1: journal about how you're feeling each day about the eye contact.

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Speaker 1: Is it getting easier every day? What kinds of thoughts

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Speaker 1: are coming up for you? Did the thing that you

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Speaker 1: were so afraid happening if you made eye contact happened?

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Speaker 1: If so, how did you handle it. Once you're feeling

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Speaker 1: more comfortable with the eye contact, then I want you

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Speaker 1: to move on to the next thing on the list

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Speaker 1: and keep practicing with those things until your anxiety feels

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Speaker 1: more manageable. And if you haven't already, I'd also encourage

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Speaker 1: you to check out session thirty eight of the podcast

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Speaker 1: with Dr Leicia Hodge because she shared tons and tons

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Speaker 1: of great tips and resources all about slaying your anxiety.

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Speaker 1: So if you haven't checked that one out, listen to

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Speaker 1: that one as well. Good luck. If you have any

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Speaker 1: questions for me or would like my feedback about something,

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Speaker 1: please send it over to me at podcast at Therapy

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Speaker 1: for Black Girls dot com and it just might be

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Speaker 1: answered on the show. Don't forget to show some love

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Speaker 1: to our sponsors this week. Color Noir in o I

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Speaker 1: your Io s app Store app, search for color Noir

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Speaker 1: in oh i R and enjoy. And do make sure

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Speaker 1: you hit the subscribe button in the app so that

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Speaker 1: you can get all the amazing images, updates and premium

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Speaker 1: content dropping each in every week. And please help us

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Speaker 1: to continue to raise awareness about sexual health and HIV

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Speaker 1: transmission by participating in a short survey at Therapy for

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Speaker 1: Black Girls dot com slash med i q. It takes

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Speaker 1: less than fifteen minutes. Y'all. No personal information will be

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Speaker 1: stored or shared from the survey. The purpose of the

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Speaker 1: survey is to help us get a better understanding about

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Speaker 1: how women communicate with their physicians about their sexual health

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Speaker 1: and HIV prevention. The insights gained from the survey will

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Speaker 1: be used in an educational tool to provide information that

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Speaker 1: may be useful in keeping the lines of communication open

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Speaker 1: with health care teams. After completing this survey, you can

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Speaker 1: enter your name in a raffle to win one of

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Speaker 1: eight one d dollar visa gift cards. Again, you can

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Speaker 1: find the survey at Therapy for Black Girls dot com

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Speaker 1: slash med i q. Remember that if you're searching for

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Speaker 1: a therapist in your area, check out the directory at

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Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash directory. If you

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Speaker 1: want to continue this conversation with other sisters who listen

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Speaker 1: to the podcast, come on over and join us in

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Speaker 1: the Thrive Tribe, which is the Facebook group for our podcast.

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Speaker 1: You can request to join at Therapy for Black Girls

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Speaker 1: dot com slash Tribe and be sure to answer the

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Speaker 1: three questions that are asked to gain jury. Don't forget

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Speaker 1: to visit our online store at Therapy for Black Girls

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Speaker 1: dot com slash shop, where you can find our guided affirmation,

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Speaker 1: break up journal and your Therapy for Black Girls t

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Speaker 1: shirts and mugs. Thank y'all so much for joining me

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Speaker 1: again this week. I look forward to continue in this

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Speaker 1: conversation with you all real soon. Take get care, the best,

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Speaker 1: best will best, the best wo