WEBVTT - Pandemic Dating 0:00:00.880 --> 0:00:04.440 This is how Men Think with Broths and Gavin de 0:00:04.559 --> 0:00:08.360 grab and I hear radio podcasts. Welcome to the show. 0:00:08.440 --> 0:00:10.600 My name is Brooks, like I will be your host 0:00:10.640 --> 0:00:13.319 for today, and we're diving into a unique topic. A 0:00:13.320 --> 0:00:15.400 couple of weeks ago, we had a great discussion where 0:00:15.440 --> 0:00:19.040 we we discussed diving into the d M sliding into 0:00:19.079 --> 0:00:21.919 the d M s, and the response from that show 0:00:22.000 --> 0:00:24.680 was amazing. We're trying to help people connect during the 0:00:24.720 --> 0:00:27.080 time of COVID, and so we've kind of wanted to 0:00:27.120 --> 0:00:30.400 piggyback that with this discussion, and we have two great 0:00:30.440 --> 0:00:35.400 guests coming on. Today's discussion is about making connection during 0:00:35.400 --> 0:00:38.519 a time of COVID. So dating during COVID, how has 0:00:38.560 --> 0:00:41.159 it done? Is it possible? A lot of people are 0:00:41.159 --> 0:00:44.560 really discouraged right now saying that they're they're just writing off. 0:00:45.640 --> 0:00:47.920 They're not going to find any love or partnership or 0:00:47.960 --> 0:00:50.960 connection or intimacy in there, just writing it off. But 0:00:51.040 --> 0:00:55.840 we have a special co host with us today that 0:00:55.960 --> 0:01:00.480 is going to inspire and empower you guys because he 0:01:00.520 --> 0:01:04.240 has his own personal success story of dating during COVID. 0:01:04.400 --> 0:01:09.160 So he was a personal trainer, life coach, entrepreneur. He's 0:01:09.200 --> 0:01:12.200 got a degree in sports medicine. You probably best know 0:01:12.400 --> 0:01:16.280 him as the American reality TV star for having appeared 0:01:16.319 --> 0:01:19.880 on Netflix his first season of Love Is Blind. Mr 0:01:19.959 --> 0:01:24.000 Mark Quavis, Welcome to the show, brother my man. Thank 0:01:24.040 --> 0:01:28.120 you man. That quite the intro, quite the true dude. Uh, 0:01:28.440 --> 0:01:30.720 first off, how was that show? That's because that's a 0:01:30.760 --> 0:01:33.600 crazy show, so once once, I just want to say 0:01:33.600 --> 0:01:34.959 thank you for being on the show, dude, and I'm 0:01:34.959 --> 0:01:37.880 excited your story because it's gonna inspire our community. But 0:01:38.120 --> 0:01:39.800 let's I just want to briefly touch on that. How 0:01:39.920 --> 0:01:42.920 is that show? Dude? I mean, it's kind of similar 0:01:42.959 --> 0:01:44.560 to what we're going through kind of right now, right 0:01:44.640 --> 0:01:47.160 like love is like Love is Blind, except the fact 0:01:47.200 --> 0:01:49.440 that you know, it's this distance. You know, that's the 0:01:49.440 --> 0:01:51.480 only difference. But when we are I was on the show, 0:01:51.600 --> 0:01:54.480 it was nothing I've ever experienced. I was the youngest 0:01:54.520 --> 0:01:56.360 guy on the show, was twenty four years old at 0:01:56.360 --> 0:01:58.880 the time, and I mean, to kind of go into 0:01:58.920 --> 0:02:04.040 this dating experience and to not see the person was 0:02:04.120 --> 0:02:07.160 just so weird. It was Honestly, when they were explaining 0:02:07.160 --> 0:02:08.920 it to us before we even walked on set, I'm 0:02:08.960 --> 0:02:10.560 just like, I mean, I kept saying why not, let's 0:02:10.560 --> 0:02:12.720 try it, And I'm like, uh, we'll see how it goes. 0:02:12.760 --> 0:02:15.400 And then once you're in it, it's so crazy to think, like, 0:02:16.000 --> 0:02:19.359 when you're talking to someone without seeing them, how how 0:02:19.560 --> 0:02:22.480 much more vulnerable you become because you're not worried about 0:02:22.520 --> 0:02:24.080 what they think about you, Right, You're just kind of 0:02:24.120 --> 0:02:27.040 like in it, you're just yeah, it's almost like therapy 0:02:27.200 --> 0:02:30.480 in a weird way, but but with an emotional connection 0:02:30.520 --> 0:02:32.680 attached to it. And so you're just talking to them 0:02:32.680 --> 0:02:34.680 and you feel like you can be yourself. And so 0:02:34.720 --> 0:02:36.520 it kind of like because the first thing we do 0:02:36.560 --> 0:02:39.440 with dating now nowadays is like what do they look like? 0:02:39.480 --> 0:02:42.720 How hot are they? What? What does the physical look like? Right? 0:02:42.760 --> 0:02:44.440 And so the show kind of taught me is you 0:02:44.480 --> 0:02:47.600 know what's inside, like what what does their emotional state like? 0:02:47.760 --> 0:02:51.440 So it was a crazy experience. Man, I commend you 0:02:51.480 --> 0:02:54.280 for going on it. Man, I commend you for like, um, 0:02:54.360 --> 0:02:57.200 diving in and committing to that process. Because when if 0:02:57.200 --> 0:03:00.720 I look at my dating history, uh, full training, parenting, Yeah, 0:03:00.800 --> 0:03:03.160 looks were like the first thing that caught my eye, 0:03:03.480 --> 0:03:05.960 you know. And and it's terrible to say, but I 0:03:06.040 --> 0:03:10.000 was most likely probably judgmental of people. Um, I don't 0:03:10.000 --> 0:03:12.080 know if judgmental is right word, but like, oh, they 0:03:12.080 --> 0:03:14.120 don't seem like a partner for me, or oh I'm 0:03:14.120 --> 0:03:17.120 not interested in that person just based off of looks 0:03:17.160 --> 0:03:22.120 of seeing somebody across the room. And I also know, um, 0:03:22.240 --> 0:03:25.280 I also know that when you meet somebody, you can 0:03:25.440 --> 0:03:28.840 become a lot more attracted to them just by talking 0:03:28.880 --> 0:03:30.760 to them and getting to know them. You're like, Wow, 0:03:30.800 --> 0:03:34.840 that beautiful even though really at when I first met them, 0:03:34.840 --> 0:03:38.440 they didn't stand out to me in that way. So actually, 0:03:39.440 --> 0:03:41.720 I think it's wonderful. I commend you for committing to it. 0:03:42.440 --> 0:03:44.080 I mean, man, you hit the nail on the head. 0:03:44.120 --> 0:03:46.920 It's just like even from myself, like when I would 0:03:46.960 --> 0:03:48.960 go out with my friends, right, it's like you kind 0:03:48.960 --> 0:03:51.360 of base that person when you're at the bar and 0:03:51.520 --> 0:03:53.839 restaurant like oh, like yeah, like I don't think they'd 0:03:53.840 --> 0:03:55.640 be right for me. But then even if you find 0:03:55.640 --> 0:03:58.680 a beautiful person physically, sometimes not the most beautiful people 0:03:58.720 --> 0:04:00.480 on the inside, you know what I mean, and it 0:04:00.520 --> 0:04:03.240 comes to find out. So it was definitely an experience 0:04:03.240 --> 0:04:06.280 that taught that humbled me in terms of dating. Wow, 0:04:06.400 --> 0:04:10.440 I can't imagine so how did you how did you 0:04:10.520 --> 0:04:13.320 find you were able to make connections without being able 0:04:13.320 --> 0:04:16.719 to see the person? Uh So, what was so cool 0:04:16.920 --> 0:04:19.920 about the show is that it wasn't just like produced 0:04:19.920 --> 0:04:21.880 from my people that are just in like you know 0:04:22.080 --> 0:04:25.400 a bunch of Netflix shows, right. They had like relationship experts. 0:04:25.400 --> 0:04:29.480 They had um, I think, uh something psychologists, like some 0:04:29.600 --> 0:04:32.919 psychologists that help to like just help a couple of therapists. 0:04:32.920 --> 0:04:35.400 That's what it was. And what they did for us 0:04:35.560 --> 0:04:37.920 is gave us like a list of questions. Right now, 0:04:37.960 --> 0:04:39.880 They're like, you don't have to use this at all, 0:04:40.040 --> 0:04:43.360 like you but these questions are made by these people 0:04:43.520 --> 0:04:46.159 to like, if you ask it and someone's receptive to it, 0:04:46.320 --> 0:04:48.520 typically it's going to get a deeper response than just 0:04:48.560 --> 0:04:51.279 like what's your favorite color? Right? And so like what 0:04:51.480 --> 0:04:54.040 one of them was, what's your biggest fear? You know? 0:04:54.240 --> 0:04:56.480 Or if you like, my favorite one was if you 0:04:56.560 --> 0:04:58.920 had three people to eat dinner with dinner alive, who 0:04:58.920 --> 0:05:01.640 would they be and why? It's like these fun questions, 0:05:01.680 --> 0:05:03.920 but what they do is that they they allow you 0:05:03.960 --> 0:05:06.200 to see what the other what's important to the other person, 0:05:06.440 --> 0:05:08.800 and and then all of a sudden you're involved in 0:05:08.880 --> 0:05:11.120 the conversation because you're listening and you're engaged, and then 0:05:11.160 --> 0:05:13.120 you're like the next thing, you know, an hour passes 0:05:13.120 --> 0:05:15.560 by and you're like, holy crap, like what what just happened? 0:05:15.600 --> 0:05:18.160 Like and now it's like you trust them more because 0:05:18.160 --> 0:05:19.840 you feel like you know that person more, you know 0:05:19.880 --> 0:05:22.919 what I mean, Um, super cool. Yeah, I'm just thinking 0:05:22.920 --> 0:05:27.280 about that, um, and thinking about as I've gotten older. 0:05:27.320 --> 0:05:30.000 I mean, when I was twenty, probably everything was based 0:05:30.040 --> 0:05:33.120 off looks, you know, and then as you get older 0:05:33.120 --> 0:05:34.920 and you get to as I got to thirty, it 0:05:35.000 --> 0:05:37.360 was more going on a date was more about like 0:05:37.760 --> 0:05:44.000 the discovery of this person, Like, yeah, the asking better questions, 0:05:44.040 --> 0:05:46.000 Like when people go on dates, there's a lot of 0:05:46.080 --> 0:05:51.440 very much surface level conversation. Um. And I've thought about 0:05:51.440 --> 0:05:53.359 this problem even with friends. I try, I try and 0:05:53.400 --> 0:05:55.440 work on into my life just in better like the 0:05:55.520 --> 0:05:59.360 discovery of this person doesn't even have to be romantically 0:05:59.400 --> 0:06:01.640 but a French hip. And I think it's wonderful that 0:06:02.200 --> 0:06:04.920 that you guys asked those higher level questions, the deeper 0:06:04.960 --> 0:06:08.400 things questions did I mean, that's that's the biggest thing, 0:06:08.640 --> 0:06:11.680 is that like we're all like there was a time 0:06:11.839 --> 0:06:13.800 like I think early on in college that when I 0:06:13.920 --> 0:06:16.039 when I was dating somebody, we dated for like two years, 0:06:16.080 --> 0:06:18.640 and I feel like even like once I went into 0:06:18.680 --> 0:06:21.320 this experience right with Love is Blind, is like I 0:06:21.360 --> 0:06:23.279 felt like I knew more about the people on the 0:06:23.279 --> 0:06:25.080 show than I did with the girlfriend that I had 0:06:25.080 --> 0:06:27.000 for two years, you know what I mean, because like 0:06:27.560 --> 0:06:29.400 it was all like it wasn't like it was all service. 0:06:29.440 --> 0:06:31.400 She was amazing person. It was it was awesome, like 0:06:31.480 --> 0:06:35.640 she's she's great. It's just we didn't dive deep, right. 0:06:35.760 --> 0:06:38.320 There was no like I know who you really are 0:06:38.400 --> 0:06:40.960 to your core because of these questions and challenges, and like, 0:06:41.279 --> 0:06:44.160 you know, it wasn't like that to obviously I was young, 0:06:44.320 --> 0:06:47.200 I was younger, but but to know about it now, 0:06:47.320 --> 0:06:50.280 it's just kind of crazy to say, like how important 0:06:50.320 --> 0:06:52.680 it is to get to know somebody, your friends, your family, 0:06:52.680 --> 0:06:55.560 have just sit down, have some quality time and just 0:06:55.680 --> 0:06:58.680 ask these questions. Like literally, a Google search can give 0:06:58.720 --> 0:07:01.520 you like a hundred like deep thought, thought provoking questions 0:07:01.560 --> 0:07:03.320 and you're like, oh, I like that one. I like 0:07:03.400 --> 0:07:06.160 that one, and just ask and see what happens. You know, Um, 0:07:06.240 --> 0:07:09.119 here's a question for you. Did you find that since 0:07:09.160 --> 0:07:11.920 you couldn't see this person's face. Did you find that 0:07:11.960 --> 0:07:17.360 you were a more attentive and involved listener? I think 0:07:17.840 --> 0:07:20.200 when I wasn't you know what we had? What happens 0:07:20.200 --> 0:07:22.000 when we're sitting in front of someone, right, we're looking 0:07:22.000 --> 0:07:24.400 at the eye contact, worried about, you know, the the 0:07:24.440 --> 0:07:27.680 other thought process, what they're thinking it. I just was 0:07:27.760 --> 0:07:31.440 so relaxed and I didn't feel any pressure of like 0:07:31.600 --> 0:07:34.320 just being something that I wasn't right. I just felt 0:07:34.360 --> 0:07:36.560 like I just had to be myself, you know what 0:07:36.560 --> 0:07:41.280 I mean? And for me when I saw like myself 0:07:41.280 --> 0:07:43.560 towards the end of the show, it was just it 0:07:43.680 --> 0:07:46.000 was still being me and like I didn't worry about 0:07:46.040 --> 0:07:47.640 what she thought of me or nothing like that. It 0:07:48.040 --> 0:07:50.400 allowed me to really listen to what her fears were 0:07:50.440 --> 0:07:52.520 and her thoughts about marriage and all this stuff where 0:07:52.520 --> 0:07:55.760 it says it really was comforting to know that, like 0:07:55.840 --> 0:08:00.080 without that sight unseeing that I could be myself. How 0:08:00.120 --> 0:08:04.240 did it feel when the reveal came? Oh? Man, the 0:08:04.280 --> 0:08:07.800 initial thought I was freaking out. I'm not gonna lie 0:08:07.920 --> 0:08:11.680 like I was what you gonna think of me? Or 0:08:11.680 --> 0:08:13.360 what am I gonna think of her? I was like, 0:08:13.400 --> 0:08:15.160 what's she gonna think of me. Honestly, that was my 0:08:15.240 --> 0:08:17.720 initial thought because I'm like, oh man, like I was 0:08:17.800 --> 0:08:19.400 in it, Like when I tell you, I was like, 0:08:19.680 --> 0:08:22.080 you know, head over heels, the whole, the whole nine yards. 0:08:22.120 --> 0:08:24.120 You know, obviously in that relationship didn't work out. But 0:08:24.160 --> 0:08:26.720 like in the reveal day, man, like my knee, I 0:08:26.760 --> 0:08:28.160 was like, don't look at your legs. I don't want 0:08:28.160 --> 0:08:31.040 to fall back, Like just like go back. Just just 0:08:31.080 --> 0:08:33.880 stay straight up, man, don't just stay straight up. You're 0:08:33.880 --> 0:08:36.680 gonna be okay. Just breathe and like the second the 0:08:36.720 --> 0:08:40.760 doors just open, I'm like, oh god, oh man. It's 0:08:40.800 --> 0:08:43.200 like I can The only way I can explain it 0:08:43.240 --> 0:08:45.040 is like when I used to play football in college. 0:08:45.080 --> 0:08:47.280 Like my thing was right before we walked out where 0:08:47.320 --> 0:08:50.640 you're like getting hyped, I was bouncing like this. I 0:08:50.720 --> 0:08:53.920 was like just like here we go, Here we go. 0:08:54.000 --> 0:08:55.600 I was like I was looking at the guy behind 0:08:55.600 --> 0:08:57.600 the camera. He's just laughing at me because I'm just like, bro, 0:08:57.760 --> 0:09:00.560 like I don't can't control this. This is just right now. 0:09:00.880 --> 0:09:04.280 That's awesome, man, that's awesome. So um do you think 0:09:04.320 --> 0:09:07.320 you would be? So a lot of a lot of 0:09:07.440 --> 0:09:10.960 dating now is done during like doing FaceTime or zoom 0:09:11.000 --> 0:09:12.840 calls or that kind of thing, Like do you think 0:09:12.880 --> 0:09:15.720 this experience would have like set you up to be 0:09:15.800 --> 0:09:18.920 a pro. You should do a masterclass on like FaceTime 0:09:19.000 --> 0:09:23.280 dating or zoom calls. Honestly, man, it's kind of the 0:09:23.320 --> 0:09:26.640 same thing, you know, except for FaceTime. You know, you 0:09:26.679 --> 0:09:28.760 get to see the person, but you're still not there 0:09:28.800 --> 0:09:31.120 with them, right, It's still that physical presence, and like 0:09:31.360 --> 0:09:33.640 it almost with FaceTime, it allows you to kind of 0:09:33.679 --> 0:09:36.480 just be yourself too, because you're just kind of like, hey, 0:09:36.520 --> 0:09:38.840 like you're not right next to me, you're but you're 0:09:38.840 --> 0:09:42.480 still communicating from a distance, right, And so I mean, 0:09:42.640 --> 0:09:45.400 hell if they wanted for me to do masterclass on zoom, 0:09:45.440 --> 0:09:48.640 like I meantime zoom, but FaceTime let me. So you 0:09:48.679 --> 0:09:53.760 guys had met once, but then this emotional connection is 0:09:53.760 --> 0:09:57.800 that established essentially digitally, so it's kind of flirtatious. You 0:09:57.800 --> 0:10:00.200 can tell you're investing your energy in each other. Do 0:10:00.200 --> 0:10:02.760 you think that like that build up and actually that 0:10:02.800 --> 0:10:06.760 COVID might have benefited you there that kept your distance 0:10:06.800 --> 0:10:09.320 and then you could when you met each other, you 0:10:09.320 --> 0:10:11.720 already had this investment of energy even though it was digitally. 0:10:11.960 --> 0:10:13.800 But you had this investment energy and you could sort 0:10:13.840 --> 0:10:16.319 of hit the ground running. Almost felt like you knew 0:10:16.320 --> 0:10:20.840 each other without the awkwardness of being, um, you know, 0:10:20.880 --> 0:10:23.760 meeting for the first time. No brother. Like I'll tell 0:10:23.800 --> 0:10:26.920 you this, like when we first I mean met, you 0:10:26.920 --> 0:10:28.320 know what I mean, Like we met at this this 0:10:28.320 --> 0:10:30.640 place called the Garden Room in Atlanta. It's a nice 0:10:30.679 --> 0:10:33.439 little restaurant. It was like the day before lockdown happened. Man, 0:10:33.440 --> 0:10:36.280 like literally the day before and you know, I I 0:10:36.640 --> 0:10:38.360 she kind of like came up to me, wanted to 0:10:38.400 --> 0:10:40.320 take a picture or whatever. But then we started talking 0:10:40.600 --> 0:10:42.520 and like you know, I kind of I kind of 0:10:42.520 --> 0:10:43.959 throw a little like joke in there. She threw a 0:10:43.960 --> 0:10:45.319 little joke and me, and I'm like, oh, she can 0:10:45.360 --> 0:10:47.439 kind of like throw it back and forth, you know, 0:10:48.040 --> 0:10:50.200 because you know right away she's interested in this is 0:10:50.280 --> 0:10:53.640 like yeah, yeah, I knew. I knew. It was like 0:10:53.679 --> 0:10:57.200 an instant just like okay, like this banter that we 0:10:57.240 --> 0:10:59.439 had going back and forth, and like I was, you know, 0:10:59.480 --> 0:11:02.080 I got an number, and then you know, the you know, 0:11:02.160 --> 0:11:04.120 she disappeared the rest of the night. She went with 0:11:04.160 --> 0:11:06.840 her friends, and you know, she's originally from Cleveland, so 0:11:06.880 --> 0:11:08.440 all her friends that lived in Atlanta. She kind of 0:11:08.440 --> 0:11:10.640 disappeared with them and left, and I was with Cameron, 0:11:10.640 --> 0:11:12.400 my buddy from the show, and you know, I didn't 0:11:12.400 --> 0:11:14.599 even think about it until, like, you know, because the 0:11:14.679 --> 0:11:16.880 quarantine happened, and so it was all this kid like right, 0:11:16.960 --> 0:11:19.440 It's like we didn't all this uncertainty of you know, 0:11:19.480 --> 0:11:22.040 what's gonna happen. This virus is what, you know, whatever, 0:11:22.080 --> 0:11:25.079 So I'm not even thinking about like, okay, relationships, dating whatever, 0:11:25.160 --> 0:11:27.560 or even talking to someone. And then all of a sudden, 0:11:27.640 --> 0:11:30.319 like she messed you know, she kind of messaged me 0:11:30.360 --> 0:11:32.520 on Instagram and like you know, she was like, hey, 0:11:32.640 --> 0:11:34.600 you know something about still having her number, and then 0:11:34.640 --> 0:11:36.880 I did the same thing, and like we started talking 0:11:37.000 --> 0:11:39.280 right there. We like just that d M back and forth, 0:11:39.320 --> 0:11:41.800 and then I started texting her and it just built 0:11:41.880 --> 0:11:44.120 up until like this kind of okay. Then we started 0:11:44.200 --> 0:11:46.280 talking on the phone and then we started face timing. 0:11:46.640 --> 0:11:50.400 And one day she was just jokingly around, jokingly. I 0:11:50.440 --> 0:11:53.400 guess I thought she was joking, goes, I was like, hey, 0:11:53.480 --> 0:11:55.400 or I was joking. I go, hey, like, why don't 0:11:55.400 --> 0:11:56.920 you come down this week to Atlanta? Because she lives 0:11:56.920 --> 0:11:58.520 in Cleveland, and she goes, I'll be there this weekend, 0:11:58.520 --> 0:12:00.840 and I was like, whoa, Okay, maybe next week. I 0:12:00.880 --> 0:12:02.680 was like, are you serious? She was like yeah, no, 0:12:02.720 --> 0:12:06.520 I'm down. And I was like, let's try next week. 0:12:06.600 --> 0:12:09.719 So she's really one week. I pushed it one week 0:12:09.720 --> 0:12:12.120 because I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready, man, I was like, 0:12:12.200 --> 0:12:14.160 oh because it was like a Wednesday. It was like 0:12:14.160 --> 0:12:16.880 a Wednesday, which when we did that, and so I 0:12:16.960 --> 0:12:20.120 was just kind of like, uh crap, like like let's 0:12:20.320 --> 0:12:22.360 let's try next week just so I can like like 0:12:22.400 --> 0:12:24.439 get myself ready. I don't know, I don't know why 0:12:24.440 --> 0:12:25.880 I pushed it back. And plus things were still a 0:12:25.880 --> 0:12:28.360 little closed closed down down here that way, you know, 0:12:28.679 --> 0:12:31.040 when she finally came down, and so when you know, 0:12:31.080 --> 0:12:33.320 when she finally came down, things were finally opening up 0:12:33.320 --> 0:12:35.840 down south, but in Ohio they were still closed. And 0:12:35.880 --> 0:12:38.760 so she came down right, and I had never been 0:12:38.800 --> 0:12:41.880 so kind of nervous because like, mind you we've been 0:12:41.920 --> 0:12:44.600 like face timing and talking right and it's like emotional 0:12:44.640 --> 0:12:47.600 anticipation and like I'm like driving my car and I'm 0:12:47.640 --> 0:12:51.160 just all right here here we go, like you know, 0:12:51.200 --> 0:12:54.760 and I haven't did I haven't been like that since honestly, 0:12:54.760 --> 0:12:56.760 like maybe high school. I would say, like maybe college. 0:12:56.800 --> 0:12:58.120 Like the first couple of days, you go on a 0:12:58.200 --> 0:13:00.439 date with someone and like, dude, I'm cool as a cucumber. 0:13:00.520 --> 0:13:01.720 I go out, you know what I mean. If I'm 0:13:01.760 --> 0:13:03.720 out on the day, I love to ask the questions, 0:13:03.760 --> 0:13:06.440 get to know, you know, the girl, talk to them 0:13:06.440 --> 0:13:08.840 and you know, just know their story. And I was nervous, 0:13:09.000 --> 0:13:10.520 you know what I mean, and my like I was 0:13:10.559 --> 0:13:12.880 just on the show. But it turns out she was 0:13:12.960 --> 0:13:15.280 just as nervous as I was. I really think that 0:13:15.480 --> 0:13:19.120 connection that we had from quarantine and talking and like 0:13:19.280 --> 0:13:20.839 you know, it was fast paced. It was right off 0:13:20.840 --> 0:13:22.679 the bat. It was just one day and boom, like 0:13:23.120 --> 0:13:24.360 you know what I mean. It was like somewhere in 0:13:24.400 --> 0:13:26.600 the middle of you know, May and something like that, 0:13:26.640 --> 0:13:28.679 and then boom, it just like popped up. And then 0:13:28.720 --> 0:13:31.000 she came down to visit, and man, it just you know, 0:13:31.280 --> 0:13:33.439 one thing led to another and now she's my girlfriend now, 0:13:33.600 --> 0:13:38.640 so that's amazing. It's crazy. We started going back and forth, 0:13:38.760 --> 0:13:41.240 so like once she visited Atlanta, I was like, this 0:13:41.320 --> 0:13:43.439 was amazing, and so let me go Like one Sunday 0:13:43.480 --> 0:13:45.400 she just booked me a ticket to go to Cleveland. 0:13:45.520 --> 0:13:48.200 She was like literally was just like, hey, like, you know, 0:13:48.200 --> 0:13:49.960 I want you to come up here, and I you know, 0:13:50.040 --> 0:13:52.120 I want you to you know, see where I live 0:13:52.200 --> 0:13:54.560 and meet my friends and stuff. And dude, I went 0:13:54.600 --> 0:13:55.839 up there and I was like, yeah, that's the person 0:13:55.920 --> 0:13:59.440 I want to talk to and it was there. I 0:13:59.480 --> 0:14:02.240 love this so inspiring for our community that that real 0:14:02.280 --> 0:14:06.360 personal can connection can come out of you know, digital connection. 0:14:06.360 --> 0:14:09.360 If people right now, um are talking to somebody through 0:14:09.400 --> 0:14:11.760 text or through d M s or something that that 0:14:11.840 --> 0:14:13.600 there is a light at the end of the tunnel, 0:14:13.800 --> 0:14:16.160 versus saying well it's just fun enough, but I'm never 0:14:16.200 --> 0:14:19.040 gonna meet them, Like you are a living example and 0:14:19.240 --> 0:14:21.760 inspiration for a community that yes, it can happen, and 0:14:21.840 --> 0:14:27.880 it can it can be amplified when you meet the person. Well, yeah, 0:14:27.960 --> 0:14:30.080 I agree with you a hundred tempers. Sorry, Like I 0:14:30.120 --> 0:14:33.000 just think, like putting yourself out there is so important 0:14:33.040 --> 0:14:35.520 and like just taking that chance, right, Like I never 0:14:35.720 --> 0:14:38.320 in my entire life thought I'd be in Cleveland, Ohio. Ever, 0:14:38.520 --> 0:14:40.160 I'm gonna be honest with you, like it's a couple 0:14:40.240 --> 0:14:42.000 hours away from Chicago, but I'm never like, oh, like, 0:14:42.080 --> 0:14:44.120 you know, Cleveland, how nothing agains for the people of Cleveland. 0:14:44.160 --> 0:14:46.360 They're all amazing. I like, all people clean that I 0:14:46.440 --> 0:14:48.560 met have all been great. So it's just I never 0:14:48.560 --> 0:14:51.200 thought I'd be in Cleveland and who would have thought? 0:14:51.320 --> 0:14:53.880 Just me keep me like why not? And why not? 0:14:54.040 --> 0:14:56.080 And you know, and just doing that back and forth 0:14:56.080 --> 0:14:59.120 with someone that I didn't even know, but we communicated enough, 0:14:59.400 --> 0:15:01.800 got that can action, and then after we met in person, 0:15:01.840 --> 0:15:03.920 it just like kind of sealed the deal with you know. 0:15:04.640 --> 0:15:06.920 So what was your like just trying to dig into 0:15:06.920 --> 0:15:10.000 your mindset with this mark? What was your personal experience 0:15:10.040 --> 0:15:12.440 with that? Was it ever like what am I doing? 0:15:12.480 --> 0:15:15.360 I'm crazy I messaging this girl that's in Cleveland? Or 0:15:15.520 --> 0:15:18.040 was it or was it always just invested with your heart? Like, wow, 0:15:18.320 --> 0:15:20.760 I don't really care about the distance right now, I 0:15:20.800 --> 0:15:23.040 don't really care about the current conditions in the world 0:15:23.120 --> 0:15:26.640 with COVID. I'm invested in this person and what's gonna 0:15:26.720 --> 0:15:28.440 come of it will come of it. What was your 0:15:28.440 --> 0:15:31.240 personal journey mindset was a little bit of both, And 0:15:31.320 --> 0:15:33.640 I'll be honest, a little bit of like the first 0:15:33.640 --> 0:15:35.720 thing you said of you know, kind of like what 0:15:35.760 --> 0:15:37.560 am I doing, you know what I mean, But like, 0:15:38.040 --> 0:15:40.040 but in the at the same token, I was kind 0:15:40.040 --> 0:15:42.520 of following my gut, following my heart and like just 0:15:42.920 --> 0:15:45.440 really like and it sounds cheesy, right, Like, I'm, you know, 0:15:45.480 --> 0:15:47.880 the type of guy like I put a wall up. Man, 0:15:47.960 --> 0:15:50.560 I'm not, you know, I on the Don't get me wrong, 0:15:50.600 --> 0:15:52.840 I'm very I can be very vulnerable with people that 0:15:52.880 --> 0:15:54.680 I trust, but like I put a wall up, you 0:15:54.680 --> 0:15:57.920 know what I mean? And yeah, man, I just I'm 0:15:57.960 --> 0:16:00.320 not like an open book as my even I'm an 0:16:00.320 --> 0:16:02.440 extrovert and I love talking to people, you know what 0:16:02.600 --> 0:16:04.320 I mean, I'm still like I close off, you know, 0:16:04.480 --> 0:16:06.560 to the people like that I'll let in and like it. 0:16:06.840 --> 0:16:09.440 It allowed me to when I kept following my gut 0:16:09.480 --> 0:16:13.080 and following my heart with this situation, I just I 0:16:13.160 --> 0:16:14.760 did it, and I just said, you know what, why 0:16:14.760 --> 0:16:17.280 not screw it? And and and now I think it 0:16:17.400 --> 0:16:20.600 just gave me this opportunity to find somebody because of 0:16:20.640 --> 0:16:23.080 that mentality and like, I just trust yourself, man, I 0:16:23.080 --> 0:16:25.840 think that that was the big the big message for 0:16:25.880 --> 0:16:28.040 me was just trusting myself the entire time. Because, don't 0:16:28.040 --> 0:16:30.040 get me wrong, it's crazy to think like four days 0:16:30.240 --> 0:16:32.680 I spent in Cleveland turned into two weeks. You know. 0:16:33.000 --> 0:16:36.240 I went to Cleveland for four days the second time around, 0:16:36.520 --> 0:16:38.840 and it turned into a two week like stay cationed 0:16:38.920 --> 0:16:40.760 with her and like, you know, getting to know her 0:16:40.800 --> 0:16:42.920 family and friends and all this stuff. And I'm like, 0:16:43.600 --> 0:16:46.160 what in the world that's going on, you know, And 0:16:46.200 --> 0:16:48.480 I just trusted. I just I just went with I 0:16:48.560 --> 0:16:50.520 just went with the flow. And now, man, I couldn't 0:16:50.520 --> 0:16:52.760 be happier. Honestly, I'm so happy for you. I'm also 0:16:52.760 --> 0:16:55.960 happy that you you allowed yourself to go with that 0:16:56.200 --> 0:16:59.240 versus pull back from that. A lot of people back 0:16:59.280 --> 0:17:01.120 from that and be like this is crazy, they should 0:17:01.280 --> 0:17:03.480 be doing this, and that's actually a very limiting mindset, 0:17:03.600 --> 0:17:07.119 versus you actually embracing a little bit of chaos, a 0:17:07.119 --> 0:17:09.760 little bit like wow, this is unknown territory, but like 0:17:09.800 --> 0:17:12.359 I embrace it because I'm actually involved in this person. 0:17:13.000 --> 0:17:15.000 It's it's a credit to you, and I'm glad that 0:17:15.040 --> 0:17:17.840 you guys, um that you guys are thriving for it. 0:17:18.320 --> 0:17:21.240 And it's it's funny that you say that, Like, I 0:17:21.240 --> 0:17:24.760 think that vulnerability that I had in the beginning of 0:17:24.800 --> 0:17:28.000 like following my gut right has allowed me not like again, 0:17:28.080 --> 0:17:31.080 I I am emotionally invested. I am, you know, everything 0:17:31.080 --> 0:17:34.679 connected with this person. And it's allowed me to be 0:17:34.760 --> 0:17:37.800 a better communicator. It's allowed me to because I think 0:17:37.800 --> 0:17:39.520 when we go halfway in, it's like you know, putting 0:17:39.520 --> 0:17:41.480 your toes in the water just to see if it. Like, dude, 0:17:41.520 --> 0:17:44.040 you just gotta Sometimes you just gotta go and like jumping, 0:17:44.160 --> 0:17:46.680 because you're gonna miss an opportunity and things are gonna 0:17:46.720 --> 0:17:48.880 go by, and like the right person is gonna go by. 0:17:48.920 --> 0:17:50.640 Maybe you didn't talk to that person at the restaurant, 0:17:50.680 --> 0:17:53.400 or didn't at the bar wherever outing, or maybe we've 0:17:53.440 --> 0:17:55.880 all been we've all felt that kind of regret. I'm like, damn, 0:17:55.920 --> 0:17:58.679 I should have said something right. And this is the 0:17:58.760 --> 0:18:02.639 first time that I've in like I'm not I'm not 0:18:02.680 --> 0:18:04.280 going to have used in this water. I'm going I'm 0:18:04.320 --> 0:18:06.720 jumping in and I'm gonna see how this goes and 0:18:06.760 --> 0:18:08.880 if it, if it works out, I did it every 0:18:09.000 --> 0:18:11.000 I gave it everything I had, Just like in Sportsman. 0:18:11.080 --> 0:18:13.320 It's like if I go, I give it all I got. 0:18:13.359 --> 0:18:15.800 If it doesn't work out, I'm gonna learn something important 0:18:15.840 --> 0:18:19.560 from this, and in turn, I have grown exponentially, as 0:18:19.560 --> 0:18:23.160 a man, as a partner, just everything, because I I'm 0:18:23.200 --> 0:18:26.199 invested everything, you know what I mean, I'm invested. I 0:18:26.280 --> 0:18:28.399 love it when I hear you speak about that. I 0:18:28.440 --> 0:18:31.359 think of an analogy that I use in my life 0:18:31.800 --> 0:18:34.920 is two feet in. So if you step in and 0:18:34.960 --> 0:18:37.600 your two feet in, it's showing full presence, is showing 0:18:37.640 --> 0:18:39.280 I am here. And it can be in It can 0:18:39.320 --> 0:18:41.560 be in relationship, it could be a career, it could 0:18:41.560 --> 0:18:44.359 be in anything, friendships, it can be in whatever a 0:18:44.440 --> 0:18:47.280 project you're working, like you're just showing up. I'm like, 0:18:47.440 --> 0:18:50.560 I'm showing up. I am here. And the beauty of 0:18:50.600 --> 0:18:53.240 that is that maybe it works out, maybe it doesn't, 0:18:53.480 --> 0:18:56.199 but you showed up fully versus living your life in 0:18:56.240 --> 0:18:59.280 the alternative, which is putting one foot in but keeping 0:18:59.480 --> 0:19:02.000 one foot out because I might want to pull out. 0:19:02.000 --> 0:19:03.560 I might want to like I'm not sure, this might 0:19:03.560 --> 0:19:05.720 be difficult, it might be hard, and you just give 0:19:05.760 --> 0:19:10.879 yourself that beautiful easy exit that is toxic to people's life. 0:19:11.040 --> 0:19:15.359 So many people relation, but they'll they'll keep options on 0:19:15.359 --> 0:19:17.200 the side, or they'll only open in a certain amount 0:19:17.240 --> 0:19:19.960 of their heart because like I just I just want 0:19:19.960 --> 0:19:21.840 to have an exit. I just want to protect myself. 0:19:22.400 --> 0:19:24.720 And you went two feet in and do you're living 0:19:24.720 --> 0:19:27.280 the happiness, you're living the rewards from it. So man, 0:19:27.840 --> 0:19:30.160 oh my god, dude, I couldn't have said it better. Honestly, 0:19:30.200 --> 0:19:32.720 everything you just said, it's like two feet in. That 0:19:32.880 --> 0:19:35.720 is like because I've been that. Man, I'm in the past, 0:19:35.800 --> 0:19:37.440 like you know what I mean, Like I've been that 0:19:37.480 --> 0:19:39.800 halfway like you said, like that, oh I got my 0:19:39.840 --> 0:19:42.080 exit strategy or oh let me you know, if this 0:19:42.200 --> 0:19:44.600 doesn't work out, then it's fine, I'll be okay like whatever, 0:19:44.840 --> 0:19:48.480 but like it's scary as hell. I'm gonna be honest 0:19:48.520 --> 0:19:50.159 with you, man, I'll be frank. It's like it is 0:19:50.160 --> 0:19:54.199 scary as hell to just kind of give yourself, like 0:19:54.240 --> 0:19:56.320 to give someone that your piece of your heart, especially 0:19:56.440 --> 0:19:59.360 vulnerable like that, right, and you know again, I put 0:19:59.400 --> 0:20:01.080 walls up. And I'm not like the type of guy 0:20:01.080 --> 0:20:03.439 that's like, oh my god, I'm emotional whatever. It's like, no, 0:20:03.600 --> 0:20:06.679 like this connection that I found at the beginning, like 0:20:06.720 --> 0:20:09.600 when when I first met her and it lasted, you 0:20:09.640 --> 0:20:12.720 know whatever, Like all that time and the anticipation until 0:20:12.720 --> 0:20:15.920 we finally met kind of gave me that like Okay, 0:20:15.920 --> 0:20:18.600 like this is this is gonna work, you know, I 0:20:18.440 --> 0:20:20.439 I feel it. It's real and even if it doesn't 0:20:20.480 --> 0:20:23.560 work out in in this relationship a long term, then 0:20:23.640 --> 0:20:25.760 like I committed to it, and that to me is 0:20:25.800 --> 0:20:28.480 like the world's biggest lesson. You know. Yeah, Um, Mark, 0:20:28.480 --> 0:20:30.400 I'm gonna ask you because I've been through this as well. 0:20:30.440 --> 0:20:32.800 I've been two feet in and I just want to 0:20:32.800 --> 0:20:36.560 see if our journeys were parallel. Um, Stepping two feet 0:20:36.600 --> 0:20:41.280 in didn't mean that I didn't have any hesitation, didn't 0:20:41.320 --> 0:20:44.359 mean that I that I wasn't guarded at all and 0:20:44.480 --> 0:20:47.520 opened everything up. I was still like an onion that 0:20:47.600 --> 0:20:49.679 had like you had to peel and it had to 0:20:49.680 --> 0:20:51.720 get in. It wasn't just oh, two feet in and 0:20:51.760 --> 0:20:55.000 my heart is wide, wide open um. But what it 0:20:55.040 --> 0:20:58.040 was was it was two feet in saying I'm committed, 0:20:58.520 --> 0:21:01.680 I'm here, I take my step ups forward. Um, I'm 0:21:01.720 --> 0:21:06.280 also scared. I'm also unsure and uncomfortable because I've never 0:21:06.320 --> 0:21:08.880 been here before. But I know that this is right 0:21:08.960 --> 0:21:12.480 for me and whatever comes from this will come. But please, 0:21:12.600 --> 0:21:14.560 you know you hope you have a partner that respects that, 0:21:14.960 --> 0:21:18.399 and we'll handle you somewhat gently at your pace. Some 0:21:18.400 --> 0:21:21.439 people are better at opening up right away. Other people, 0:21:21.520 --> 0:21:23.800 like you said, you have guards up, like you can 0:21:23.920 --> 0:21:26.320 take your step forward with two feet and be present 0:21:26.680 --> 0:21:29.960 committed into this relationship, but also be like yeah, and 0:21:30.000 --> 0:21:33.399 I'm still working to try and fully open up and 0:21:33.400 --> 0:21:36.199 fully get there with you. But like I'm here, so 0:21:36.359 --> 0:21:40.159 just please, you know, please help me along the way. Dude. 0:21:41.040 --> 0:21:45.680 That's exactly like ten percent. It's not like just because 0:21:45.720 --> 0:21:48.080 I'm two feet in committed doesn't mean that I'm not like, 0:21:48.359 --> 0:21:50.920 oh like wow, and you know again, if you don't 0:21:50.920 --> 0:21:54.560 cuss on this program, I'm sorry. I'm just like but 0:21:54.640 --> 0:21:58.200 like it's just it's it's just trans to be transparent. Man. 0:21:58.240 --> 0:22:00.520 It is scary as hell because you're just you're not 0:22:00.640 --> 0:22:02.320 used to It's not that you're not used to it, 0:22:02.320 --> 0:22:05.760 it's just it's that ultimate vulnerability, right, and for that, 0:22:06.080 --> 0:22:07.840 but think about it for that other person, right, just 0:22:07.880 --> 0:22:09.840 as much as I want them to be patient with 0:22:09.880 --> 0:22:12.280 me and this journey, it's like you almost have to 0:22:12.359 --> 0:22:14.800 think about like like it's like that's saying like their 0:22:14.840 --> 0:22:17.320 love languages, right, what how do they how do they love? 0:22:17.359 --> 0:22:18.760 How do you love it? And how do they love? 0:22:18.760 --> 0:22:23.840 And you're you're literally taking into consideration another person person's 0:22:23.880 --> 0:22:26.480 pace as well. Like it's it's not just you. It's 0:22:26.480 --> 0:22:28.199 like when you're two feet in, I feel like that's 0:22:28.200 --> 0:22:30.040 when you're the most present. And when you have someone 0:22:30.040 --> 0:22:33.639 else that's two feet in, it's just like it's a 0:22:33.680 --> 0:22:35.359 revolving door. Man, it just goes. It keeps going and 0:22:35.440 --> 0:22:37.600 keeps going and keeps going. And like it's scary though, 0:22:37.600 --> 0:22:39.800 because you don't want it to stop, you know, and 0:22:39.960 --> 0:22:41.520 you know, I'm just being honest with you, just being honest. 0:22:41.560 --> 0:22:43.680 It's it's it's a scary thing. But I think that 0:22:43.680 --> 0:22:46.320 that's what the ultimate courage is to jump in and 0:22:46.359 --> 0:22:49.240 take that step, because if you don't take that shot, 0:22:49.600 --> 0:22:52.280 you could be missing out on the world's best relationship 0:22:52.359 --> 0:22:55.480 or best experience even if it doesn't work out. So 0:22:55.560 --> 0:22:57.600 well said, so Well said, There's another way to say 0:22:57.600 --> 0:22:59.239 it is like burn the boats, like get on the 0:22:59.240 --> 0:23:01.520 island and burn the owns. Like when you build in 0:23:01.560 --> 0:23:03.840 an exit, when you build in a plan, be in 0:23:03.880 --> 0:23:07.080 an exit. Um, I just believe you're gonna find a 0:23:07.119 --> 0:23:10.920 way to it. Because life is hard, man, relationships aren't hard. 0:23:10.960 --> 0:23:13.679 You will be challenged, things will go wrong, and if 0:23:13.720 --> 0:23:15.800 you have that built in. It's why I like, my 0:23:15.920 --> 0:23:17.240 dad is like, what are you gonna do if you 0:23:17.240 --> 0:23:20.000 don't make the NHL and become a hockey player. I'm like, Dad, 0:23:20.080 --> 0:23:22.600 there is no other option. I'm gonna make it like 0:23:23.119 --> 0:23:26.480 that's because the only thing I see, you know, it's 0:23:26.520 --> 0:23:29.320 the only thing I see. And so even with the relationship, 0:23:29.560 --> 0:23:32.440 maybe heartbreak does come in your In your case, you're happy, 0:23:32.440 --> 0:23:33.919 and I hope that for and I pray for that 0:23:34.000 --> 0:23:36.680 for everybody that they're happy. But maybe heartbreak does come, 0:23:36.800 --> 0:23:39.520 or it doesn't work out. You at least know at 0:23:39.520 --> 0:23:43.040 the end of the day, you step forward, You were there, 0:23:43.200 --> 0:23:45.879 You gave it a chance. The universe isn't perfect. Not 0:23:46.000 --> 0:23:48.640 everything is gonna work out. You're gonna have some trials 0:23:48.680 --> 0:23:51.960 before you have your victories, you know, But you stepped forward. 0:23:52.000 --> 0:23:54.520 And I want to encourage our community, our listeners, take 0:23:54.600 --> 0:23:58.479 your steps forward, show up, give your true authentic self 0:23:58.800 --> 0:24:01.680 and from that the best growth. Like you said, happiness, 0:24:01.960 --> 0:24:04.960 it's the only way you're ever gonna fully find the 0:24:04.960 --> 0:24:07.960 happiness that we're all searching for. The happiness is right 0:24:08.000 --> 0:24:10.520 on the other side of that fear, you know. But 0:24:10.560 --> 0:24:13.399 I commend you man for doing that, for opening your 0:24:13.400 --> 0:24:16.560 heart and stepping and saying I'm scared. I'm damn, I'm scared. 0:24:16.600 --> 0:24:18.520 Like if you look, I'm a duck fluttering my feet 0:24:18.560 --> 0:24:20.400 under the walker there. I might look calm, but like 0:24:20.840 --> 0:24:23.639 this is a learning process for me too. But I 0:24:23.720 --> 0:24:26.359 just said it perfect. You said it perfect, And I 0:24:26.400 --> 0:24:29.120 think like another thing too, for the for the community, man. 0:24:29.240 --> 0:24:31.400 And this is just like that touching thought is like 0:24:31.920 --> 0:24:36.600 there's no such thing as that like notebook smoothie style relationship. Man. 0:24:36.600 --> 0:24:40.840 It's not that's like the these relationships that have like 0:24:41.160 --> 0:24:43.639 one problem and then they solve it and then everything 0:24:43.760 --> 0:24:46.439 is good at that one moment. It's like it's you 0:24:46.680 --> 0:24:49.800 think about how two people you grow up two different ways, man, 0:24:49.840 --> 0:24:52.720 and it's like you have to understand that when you 0:24:52.760 --> 0:24:56.080 meet that person, it's not just the The journey doesn't 0:24:56.119 --> 0:24:58.240 stop when you meet them and then they're your boyfriend 0:24:58.320 --> 0:25:01.359 or girlfriend. It doesn't stop there. That's it's just getting started. 0:25:01.440 --> 0:25:04.320 Because now you're just like, oh wow, like you're raised 0:25:04.359 --> 0:25:05.959 this way. I was raised this way. But as long 0:25:06.000 --> 0:25:07.919 as we got to say principles, we're gonna make it 0:25:07.920 --> 0:25:10.399 work this way. Oh you like celebrating Thanksgiving, I like 0:25:10.440 --> 0:25:13.040 to and and it's just little things that like, but 0:25:13.080 --> 0:25:15.040 then you fall in love with those little things, right 0:25:15.080 --> 0:25:17.760 you see those the way they act, the way they communicate, 0:25:17.960 --> 0:25:20.400 and like then you start to kind of like work 0:25:20.440 --> 0:25:24.560 together and like it's not this fairy tale story book, 0:25:24.840 --> 0:25:28.280 but the trials, like you're saying, the hardships are what 0:25:28.400 --> 0:25:31.320 makes it kind of beautiful, if that makes sense, you 0:25:31.400 --> 0:25:33.800 know what I mean. Like it's it's like people are 0:25:33.840 --> 0:25:36.080 too scared for the hardships. They want the fairy tale. 0:25:36.119 --> 0:25:37.600 And my point, you know what I mean, they want 0:25:37.600 --> 0:25:40.639 that fairy tale. Happy happy happy happy Happy is an 0:25:40.640 --> 0:25:43.479 emotion you gotta understand. It's like you gotta understand like 0:25:43.720 --> 0:25:45.399 when you go through life, life is tough and if 0:25:45.440 --> 0:25:47.080 you've got another person there that's got your back and 0:25:47.080 --> 0:25:49.560 you guys are gonna get through these hard times. And like, dude, 0:25:49.640 --> 0:25:51.800 that's why not take that leap of faith? You know, 0:25:52.040 --> 0:25:55.760 but just having that perspective of like, relationships aren't easy, 0:25:55.920 --> 0:26:00.159 but they're they're like a good challenge, you know that, 0:26:00.359 --> 0:26:02.560 then it's easier to take that next step forward because 0:26:02.560 --> 0:26:05.240 no matter what, you're gonna win, like learn something. So 0:26:05.280 --> 0:26:07.760 why do you think people aren't able to do that, 0:26:07.880 --> 0:26:09.679 just in your opinion, Why were you able to and 0:26:09.720 --> 0:26:12.040 why why do some people? Because I had a friend 0:26:12.119 --> 0:26:15.240 yesterday I was talking to. I provided an amazing solution 0:26:15.600 --> 0:26:19.400 and he provided a problem with it. I provided another solution. 0:26:19.560 --> 0:26:21.520 He's three hours away from here, has to get here 0:26:21.520 --> 0:26:23.920 in two days. I was like, rent a car. He's like, no, 0:26:23.960 --> 0:26:25.160 I don't want to do that. I was like, take 0:26:25.200 --> 0:26:27.119 the bus. He's like, I don't think I guys should 0:26:27.160 --> 0:26:29.720 do that either. I was like you could fly. He's like, well, 0:26:29.760 --> 0:26:31.720 I don't know about airports. And I was like, how many? 0:26:31.800 --> 0:26:34.040 How many solutions do I need to provide that You're 0:26:34.119 --> 0:26:37.720 just gonna find a problem for dude, I think I 0:26:37.760 --> 0:26:40.400 think what it is. And like I said, like I said, 0:26:40.440 --> 0:26:42.200 like I said in the beginning, I like, I've been 0:26:42.280 --> 0:26:44.080 that one ft in one foot out right, we've what 0:26:44.119 --> 0:26:47.600 we've been there, I think when you know I've I've 0:26:47.640 --> 0:26:50.159 faced certain challenges in my life. You face challenges in 0:26:50.200 --> 0:26:52.320 your life, right, and like you know, even being a 0:26:52.320 --> 0:26:54.800 professional hockey player, man, the pressure of the scrutiny, the 0:26:54.800 --> 0:26:57.119 things that you've had to endure, Like I've had my 0:26:57.160 --> 0:26:59.480 own rock bottom and like I've pulled myself out of it. 0:26:59.560 --> 0:27:01.920 And I think a lot of folks are running from 0:27:01.920 --> 0:27:04.920 their past and running from things that mistakes that they've 0:27:04.960 --> 0:27:07.560 made or sayings that their family has made, and they 0:27:07.560 --> 0:27:09.840 don't want to end up like something that they don't like. 0:27:09.920 --> 0:27:12.480 It's like that public ridicule right there. It's like they're 0:27:12.480 --> 0:27:14.760 worried about what everyone else is thinking. In my opinion, 0:27:14.840 --> 0:27:18.439 I think that folks are scared to take the next 0:27:18.480 --> 0:27:21.199 step because they haven't either forgiven a past mistake or 0:27:21.240 --> 0:27:24.240 they don't want to end up looking like someone that 0:27:25.359 --> 0:27:26.879 it was like the talk of the family, right, We 0:27:26.920 --> 0:27:29.439 all have have those family members that like, Wow, I 0:27:29.440 --> 0:27:32.240 can't believe Joe married that person and like oh my god, 0:27:32.320 --> 0:27:34.920 like oh, like can you believe that? Like wow, they 0:27:35.040 --> 0:27:37.640 just up and like, you know, like if you care 0:27:37.680 --> 0:27:40.800 too much about public opinions and if you keep living 0:27:40.840 --> 0:27:44.040 in your past, like I think that you're always going 0:27:44.119 --> 0:27:46.600 to be scared to take that next leap because the 0:27:46.640 --> 0:27:49.439 past is comfortable, it's what you know, and you don't know. 0:27:49.560 --> 0:27:51.600 No one knows what a new relationship is gonna be. 0:27:51.840 --> 0:27:54.080 You don't know, like, yeah, you have the possibility of 0:27:54.119 --> 0:27:56.280 getting your heartbroken, You have the possible possibility of like 0:27:56.480 --> 0:27:58.359 you meet their family, you get in you know, you 0:27:58.440 --> 0:28:00.760 get in deep with them, and you you almost like 0:28:00.920 --> 0:28:02.720 connected with them, and then all of a sudden doesn't 0:28:02.760 --> 0:28:05.880 work out. But at the end of the day, who 0:28:05.920 --> 0:28:08.040 are you after that? You know, like who who are 0:28:08.040 --> 0:28:09.720 you after your rock bottoms? Who am I after my 0:28:09.840 --> 0:28:12.359 rock bottoms? Right to to this point now, it's like 0:28:12.560 --> 0:28:15.000 I think people are scared to make that next step, 0:28:16.040 --> 0:28:18.119 but it's like that's where the ultimate freedom is, and 0:28:18.119 --> 0:28:20.439 that's where the ultimate growth is, like the person you 0:28:20.520 --> 0:28:23.159 become after that rock bottom man, Like, even if it 0:28:23.200 --> 0:28:25.600 doesn't work out, it's like, you're better than who I 0:28:25.720 --> 0:28:28.560 was three years ago. I would personally me, I would 0:28:28.560 --> 0:28:30.440 slap myself like through who I was three years ago, 0:28:30.480 --> 0:28:33.120 you know what I mean, like like three years ago, 0:28:33.240 --> 0:28:35.280 like you could even five years ago, six, Like it 0:28:35.320 --> 0:28:38.560 doesn't matter. It's like, but I'm where I'm supposed to be. 0:28:38.960 --> 0:28:42.080 So I know that I have that ultimate confidence now 0:28:42.120 --> 0:28:46.080 that because I've forgiven myself for my mistakes and I 0:28:46.160 --> 0:28:48.280 don't care what other people think about me in terms 0:28:48.320 --> 0:28:50.200 of like my family or whatever. I care what my 0:28:50.240 --> 0:28:52.560 parents think, but in terms of like everybody else and 0:28:52.600 --> 0:28:55.160 stuff like that. I'm like, I got myself to make proud. 0:28:55.240 --> 0:28:57.000 So if I messed up in a relationship or something 0:28:57.040 --> 0:28:59.440 like that, the only thing that's gonna happen I'm I'm 0:28:59.480 --> 0:29:01.520 not I'm not gonna cheat on them. I'm not gonna 0:29:01.520 --> 0:29:03.800 do dumb stuff like whatever. It's like, I'm gonna be 0:29:03.880 --> 0:29:06.400 honest and as long as I gave it, I'm not 0:29:06.400 --> 0:29:08.280 going to regret it, you know, and then I'm going 0:29:08.360 --> 0:29:09.800 to be a better person after that. So what do 0:29:09.800 --> 0:29:11.520 I got to lose at that point? And when you 0:29:11.560 --> 0:29:14.360 have that mindset and when you are kind of like 0:29:14.480 --> 0:29:16.560 happy for the challenges, you're like, oh, this is an 0:29:16.560 --> 0:29:18.840 opportunity for us to grow together. And it's okay if 0:29:18.840 --> 0:29:20.960 they don't want to. But like, I think that's what 0:29:21.000 --> 0:29:23.400 people are scared of, is so like step away from 0:29:23.440 --> 0:29:26.320 what then like what they're comfortable with, Yeah, very much. 0:29:26.480 --> 0:29:30.200 And so it's a limiting It's it's a limiting characteristic 0:29:30.280 --> 0:29:33.440 or belief mindset in their life, and so the results 0:29:33.480 --> 0:29:36.040 will only be so much or they'll look at it 0:29:36.080 --> 0:29:38.320 with the confused the rest of their life. I can 0:29:38.440 --> 0:29:41.480 never got what they wanted in life. It does take 0:29:41.520 --> 0:29:43.920 I'll say this in total, total transparency and honestly for 0:29:43.920 --> 0:29:47.800 the community. It takes courage. Sometimes you just need to go. 0:29:48.120 --> 0:29:50.600 You have to step forward, you have to commit, you 0:29:50.720 --> 0:29:54.440 have to open yourself up. It takes courage and the 0:29:54.440 --> 0:29:56.920 community will know when those moments common just have courage 0:29:56.920 --> 0:29:59.160 in them. Rather. I love your story. I hope it's 0:29:59.160 --> 0:30:01.760 an inspiration for our community. It for sure it is 0:30:01.800 --> 0:30:05.960 somebody that found the connection and partnerships during COVID amazing, 0:30:06.760 --> 0:30:09.440 Uh Mark, where can I find you? Where can they 0:30:09.480 --> 0:30:14.720 get this daily dose of inspiration? Brother? So I'm on Instagram, Twitter. 0:30:15.040 --> 0:30:16.800 I am also on YouTube now. I got a YouTube 0:30:16.840 --> 0:30:19.560 channel like building Up. So that's everything. Is my full name, 0:30:19.640 --> 0:30:22.200 Mark Anthony Quavis. I know my mom wanted me to 0:30:22.240 --> 0:30:24.479 be almost like the singer I guess, but Mark Anthony 0:30:24.560 --> 0:30:27.760 Quavis with an underscore YouTube just tide to my full name. 0:30:27.840 --> 0:30:30.080 And yeah, that's kind of like where I live off 0:30:30.160 --> 0:30:32.360 right now is just my personal training. I do fitness, 0:30:32.760 --> 0:30:35.719 just my life and yeah, there's everything. That's where I'm at, man, 0:30:36.240 --> 0:30:39.760 And you're training for a fight, right training for a 0:30:39.800 --> 0:30:44.080 fight next year one when everything starts stay tuned. I'm 0:30:44.600 --> 0:30:46.800 you know I've been training everyonere actually trained this morning too, 0:30:46.880 --> 0:30:50.400 so trained this morning. Man. It's it's it's so just 0:30:50.480 --> 0:30:53.560 like I I fought last year, I won my first fight, 0:30:53.640 --> 0:30:56.120 and now I'm ready to like, Okay, now let's like 0:30:56.160 --> 0:30:58.360 step it up the competition and go back into it. 0:30:58.440 --> 0:31:01.320 And now I'm ready to like trying hardcore right now. 0:31:01.400 --> 0:31:03.800 It's like we're still in those parameters, like still taking 0:31:03.840 --> 0:31:05.920 it like you three times a week or whatever. But 0:31:05.960 --> 0:31:08.760 like once that trainee camp starts, man, it's tigned to go. 0:31:08.920 --> 0:31:11.320 It's signed to go. I can't wait to tune in. 0:31:11.360 --> 0:31:17.040 I'm gonna be just I was just like, let's go, brother. 0:31:17.080 --> 0:31:19.640 I appreciate you, appreciate your inspiration. Thank you so much. 0:31:19.680 --> 0:31:22.480 You've given our You've given our community hope in a 0:31:22.520 --> 0:31:25.000 time where so many people are lacking it. So I'm 0:31:25.000 --> 0:31:27.320 happy for you, buddy. Send my best to your lovely 0:31:27.360 --> 0:31:29.960 gal um and we'd love to have you back on here. 0:31:30.000 --> 0:31:32.280 Let's connect again, bro. I love to man, appreciate it 0:31:32.320 --> 0:31:35.320 seriously and the opportunity to be on man, and it's 0:31:35.400 --> 0:31:38.440 just stay safe, stay blessed. Thanks Mark. Okay, we'll be 0:31:38.560 --> 0:31:41.320 right back after this break with another special guest that's 0:31:41.320 --> 0:31:43.680 gonna elaborate a little bit more on this. Thanks Mark 0:31:43.760 --> 0:31:54.160 be Well, but back from the break, Mark was awesome. 0:31:54.160 --> 0:31:57.160 Mark vis was awesome. I hope that that inspires our 0:31:57.200 --> 0:32:00.760 community that you can find connection, you can find partnership 0:32:00.920 --> 0:32:03.680 in this really unique time of COVID. And now we 0:32:03.760 --> 0:32:06.440 have another super special guest that's going to give us 0:32:06.440 --> 0:32:09.680 some more insight on this topic plus much more. We 0:32:09.760 --> 0:32:14.280 have an amazing, amazing lady. Her name is Dr Wendy Walsh, 0:32:14.400 --> 0:32:17.400 and she She's an award winning television journalist. She's a 0:32:17.440 --> 0:32:20.840 current radio host and podcaster new to the podcast game 0:32:21.080 --> 0:32:23.680 at kf I A M six forty heart, I heart media. 0:32:24.120 --> 0:32:27.440 She's the author of three books, uh and thousands and 0:32:27.520 --> 0:32:30.520 thousands of print and digital articles. And this is my 0:32:30.560 --> 0:32:33.160 favorite thing. She was a Person of the Year of 0:32:33.360 --> 0:32:37.680 Time magazine in seventeen. That is so cool. Um. She 0:32:38.360 --> 0:32:42.800 teaches in the psychology department at California State University. Welcome 0:32:42.800 --> 0:32:46.160 to the show, um, Dr Wendy Walsh. I'm happy to 0:32:46.200 --> 0:32:50.480 be here. Canadian, my fellow Canadian, my buddy. I always 0:32:50.520 --> 0:32:53.240 say that when I meet Canadians, I'm like, my buddy. 0:32:53.280 --> 0:32:56.640 I just feel like, yeah, I feel like I want 0:32:56.640 --> 0:32:59.840 to serve you some Putine A. Yeah, you're from Adi, 0:33:00.080 --> 0:33:04.840 starn't you. That's right? I miss what here's a quick question. 0:33:05.040 --> 0:33:06.800 We'll get to everything on the talk about. But what 0:33:06.840 --> 0:33:12.200 do you miss most about Canada? Um? Because you live 0:33:12.280 --> 0:33:14.800 in the US now, yes, I've I've lived half my 0:33:14.880 --> 0:33:17.000 life there and half my life here, and I have 0:33:17.080 --> 0:33:21.120 dual citizenship, and so I really feel both things. Um, 0:33:21.160 --> 0:33:24.160 I would say collectivism. And it's sort of ironic that, 0:33:24.400 --> 0:33:27.120 you know, because most Canadians believe that what is good 0:33:27.120 --> 0:33:29.800 for the masses is good for the individual, and most 0:33:29.800 --> 0:33:32.440 Americans believe what is good for the individual is ultimately 0:33:32.440 --> 0:33:35.240 good for the masses. And I left because of the 0:33:35.280 --> 0:33:38.640 collectivism because I was such an individual and I didn't 0:33:38.720 --> 0:33:42.160 like how repressive it felt. But then what I got 0:33:42.200 --> 0:33:45.840 into the business of motherhood and raising children, I was like, uh, 0:33:46.640 --> 0:33:50.440 Canadians are more supportive of families. In America. You feel 0:33:50.440 --> 0:33:53.800 really on your own, And so I do miss it. 0:33:54.360 --> 0:33:57.360 I mean, we don't call us socialists by any means. 0:33:57.760 --> 0:34:00.800 We're definitely capitalists in Canada. But it's see, there's are 0:34:00.840 --> 0:34:05.959 more social programs to support people. It's it's amazing what 0:34:06.000 --> 0:34:08.000 you just said, because I'm actually studying it. In my life. 0:34:08.000 --> 0:34:11.240 I'm actually reading a book on it. Um, group flow, 0:34:12.880 --> 0:34:17.359 group flow versus the individual flow. Individual flow is really easy. 0:34:17.400 --> 0:34:19.040 What am I doing? What are my needs? How can 0:34:19.080 --> 0:34:21.880 I this is what I need at my time, my schedule, 0:34:22.000 --> 0:34:27.040 my right. That's individual flow. But group flow is organizing 0:34:27.160 --> 0:34:31.680 power of multiple and so like on a team, That's 0:34:31.680 --> 0:34:36.400 why I love team sports. We really nailed group flow. Um. 0:34:36.440 --> 0:34:38.920 You needed to come together and have chemistry to to 0:34:39.160 --> 0:34:42.279 execute on the ice together as a hockey player, as 0:34:42.320 --> 0:34:45.200 a team. Um. But then also you had to get 0:34:45.239 --> 0:34:47.200 to the bus at the same time, the plane at 0:34:47.200 --> 0:34:50.160 the same time, the hotel, the team dinner, and if 0:34:50.200 --> 0:34:53.919 one person was off, the whole group flow was thrown off. 0:34:54.719 --> 0:34:57.080 And so it's I've been thinking and this book that 0:34:57.080 --> 0:35:01.120 I'm reading touches on group flow through a digital world, 0:35:02.400 --> 0:35:05.360 which is fascinating, Yeah, which is what we're now really 0:35:05.400 --> 0:35:08.640 living in, especially during COVID. So I kind of want 0:35:08.640 --> 0:35:10.600 to touch on that. Like we just chat with Mark 0:35:10.640 --> 0:35:15.280 about marks a success story during COVID, how he found 0:35:15.440 --> 0:35:20.080 connection and partnership during COVID through the digital world through 0:35:20.120 --> 0:35:25.080 some texting, some messaging, eventually phone calls and FaceTime. Um, 0:35:25.120 --> 0:35:28.440 I just want to get your insight onto that based 0:35:28.480 --> 0:35:31.759 on your experience, Like, is it possible for people? Mark 0:35:31.840 --> 0:35:34.560 has proven it to be true. But for the masses 0:35:34.600 --> 0:35:37.200 who are struggling right now, maybe feeling alone or lonely 0:35:37.640 --> 0:35:40.640 or hopeless, can they find connection during this time? Can 0:35:40.680 --> 0:35:44.240 they find a group flow while disconnected from their friends 0:35:44.320 --> 0:35:47.080 or people? Yeah? And I mean you can think brooks 0:35:47.160 --> 0:35:51.719 of a relationship as the ultimate group right. And we're constantly, 0:35:51.760 --> 0:35:55.160 even in our most intimate romantic relationships, in a struggle 0:35:55.239 --> 0:36:00.640 between preserving our autonomy and joining the union because brains 0:36:01.160 --> 0:36:04.920 can accomplish way more than any single brain can accomplish alone. 0:36:05.400 --> 0:36:08.600 And so but the thing that COVID has done, it's 0:36:08.600 --> 0:36:11.839 a gift to many relationships because it's such a make 0:36:11.960 --> 0:36:15.239 or break time. We have to think about that. You know, 0:36:15.360 --> 0:36:19.680 during the history of human evolution, life was such a 0:36:19.760 --> 0:36:22.680 struggle and we needed I mean sometimes people will say 0:36:22.680 --> 0:36:26.759 that gender roles evolved because we needed somebody to have 0:36:26.960 --> 0:36:29.640 sort of an area of expertise and the other person 0:36:29.680 --> 0:36:32.360 in area of expertise, and together they created these offspring 0:36:32.440 --> 0:36:35.480 that grew, etcetera. I'm not a proponent of traditional gender 0:36:35.520 --> 0:36:39.560 roles necessarily, but now we got to a place where, 0:36:39.880 --> 0:36:44.680 you know, women didn't need relationships necessarily economically. Uh, we 0:36:44.719 --> 0:36:48.000 were all so healthy and living so long. People were 0:36:48.040 --> 0:36:52.360 exchanging partners all the time because it just felt okay. 0:36:52.440 --> 0:36:54.400 And all of a sudden we hit our first of 0:36:54.400 --> 0:36:59.520 our generation, a first big life crisis, and then people 0:36:59.520 --> 0:37:02.480 are looking their current partner and going, WHOA is this 0:37:02.560 --> 0:37:04.880 the person I want to be within a crisis or 0:37:04.960 --> 0:37:08.279 if they're single, they're like, no, no, I need to 0:37:08.280 --> 0:37:10.520 look for a specific kind of partner now, someone who's 0:37:10.520 --> 0:37:13.040 really got my back, who could help me in this crisis. 0:37:13.719 --> 0:37:17.239 So it's up, it's up the value of a relationship. 0:37:17.520 --> 0:37:21.160 What do you think, um, Because most people, most people, 0:37:21.160 --> 0:37:22.960 when they think of a relationship, they think of like, 0:37:23.960 --> 0:37:27.319 how is my life better? They think of the good times? Right, 0:37:27.400 --> 0:37:29.799 The most common thought in a relationship is like, Wow, 0:37:29.800 --> 0:37:31.640 the good times are so good. This person is so fun. 0:37:31.719 --> 0:37:35.080 I love them, They're so kind, gentle hearted. My family 0:37:35.120 --> 0:37:38.480 loves them, we love to travel, we love dogs. Whatever 0:37:38.560 --> 0:37:40.640 they think of the good times. Do you think that 0:37:40.719 --> 0:37:44.719 COVID has really made people reassess like the strength or 0:37:44.880 --> 0:37:48.719 lack thereof of their partner in the bad times and 0:37:48.760 --> 0:37:50.960 how important that might be as well, because we say 0:37:51.000 --> 0:37:53.240 them in our vows when you get married through sickness 0:37:53.239 --> 0:37:56.120 and health, good and bad, you know, but it's kind 0:37:56.120 --> 0:37:58.160 of the bad is kind of overlooked. We've all like 0:37:58.239 --> 0:38:02.120 the good things actally. And of course you're you know, 0:38:02.239 --> 0:38:04.640 brilliant question, and you're speaking from the mouth of a 0:38:04.680 --> 0:38:07.759 thirty seven year old, healthy, alpha male. So, of course, 0:38:07.800 --> 0:38:11.759 relationships about pleasure seeking. What's the good here, right? But 0:38:12.440 --> 0:38:16.040 life is a little bit about survival and struggle. We 0:38:16.080 --> 0:38:18.400 just haven't been faced with a lot of survival struggles 0:38:18.480 --> 0:38:22.359 yet in this generation. So yeah, that's exactly what it is. 0:38:22.400 --> 0:38:25.160 It's looking at your partner. I mean, a relationship is 0:38:25.200 --> 0:38:28.200 an exchange of care, and a care can take so 0:38:28.239 --> 0:38:30.920 many forms. It can be financial care, it can be 0:38:31.040 --> 0:38:34.879 sexual care. It can be domestic responsibility care. It can 0:38:34.880 --> 0:38:39.080 be emotional support care. It can be physical supportive someone sick. 0:38:39.239 --> 0:38:42.160 It can be intellectual stimulation care. And if you look 0:38:42.200 --> 0:38:44.719 at a relationship from the outside, it may not look 0:38:44.760 --> 0:38:48.880 fair to you, but from the inside, those partners believe 0:38:48.920 --> 0:38:56.279 it's a fair exchange. Wow, amazing, Um, what advice would 0:38:56.280 --> 0:38:58.279 you have for our community right now that's struggling to 0:38:58.480 --> 0:39:03.080 find connection, you know, because so many people want people 0:39:03.080 --> 0:39:06.200 are disconnected from their friends and co workers, which most 0:39:06.239 --> 0:39:09.480 of us love. You know, maybe don't like our coworkers. 0:39:09.520 --> 0:39:12.040 I don't know, but I love mine, everybody part of 0:39:12.040 --> 0:39:14.399 this I heart radio team. I love you all. But 0:39:15.200 --> 0:39:17.719 further to that, even what about people that are like 0:39:17.880 --> 0:39:22.080 struggling to find romantic connection, intimate connection? You know, what 0:39:22.160 --> 0:39:24.480 advice would you have for those people? I love that 0:39:24.520 --> 0:39:27.160 we shared Mark story. He's an inspiration to our community. 0:39:27.160 --> 0:39:29.800 But you know, you host a podcast called Mating Matters, 0:39:29.840 --> 0:39:33.200 which deals with connection. Um, what advice would you have 0:39:33.239 --> 0:39:36.560 for our community struggling to find that right now? Well, 0:39:36.800 --> 0:39:40.080 Making Matters is all about evolutionary psychology and what our 0:39:40.120 --> 0:39:43.400 brains have evolved to be and what we're facing in 0:39:43.440 --> 0:39:47.040 our current environment, like, for instance, dating apps. So dating 0:39:47.040 --> 0:39:50.200 apps are both a blessing and a terrible curse. The 0:39:50.239 --> 0:39:52.839 blessing is that from the comfort of your own home, 0:39:52.920 --> 0:39:55.160 you don't even have to get dressed up. You can 0:39:55.239 --> 0:39:58.919 just swipe through and find so many potential mates. That's 0:39:58.920 --> 0:40:01.840 the good side. The downside of dating apps is that 0:40:01.880 --> 0:40:04.640 they bio hack your brain. Right. They take advantage of 0:40:04.719 --> 0:40:09.120 something called a paradox of choice. So the more choice 0:40:09.400 --> 0:40:12.160 humans are given, the less likely they are to make 0:40:12.200 --> 0:40:14.759 a choice, and when they do make a choice, they're 0:40:14.840 --> 0:40:19.000 less likely to value that choice. So what you have 0:40:19.080 --> 0:40:21.319 to do is and remember, apps are not in the 0:40:21.360 --> 0:40:25.359 business of getting you to leave the app and find 0:40:25.400 --> 0:40:27.560 a mate. Apps are in the business of getting you 0:40:27.600 --> 0:40:31.000 addicted to the apps. So it's really important that you 0:40:31.040 --> 0:40:35.200 fight the bio hacking by limiting how many people you're 0:40:35.239 --> 0:40:38.360 texting and talking to and to get them off the 0:40:38.400 --> 0:40:41.480 app as soon as possible, to call them and use 0:40:41.600 --> 0:40:46.400 other ways to get information talking uh, face time, using 0:40:46.600 --> 0:40:49.960 you know, looking at body language and everything. Um and 0:40:50.200 --> 0:40:51.880 and also I want to say one other thing is 0:40:51.920 --> 0:40:55.080 that you know, in the early stages of getting to 0:40:55.120 --> 0:40:58.160 know somebody, it's really easy to say what I call 0:40:58.239 --> 0:41:00.600 on the surface, and you know, I want to one 0:41:00.719 --> 0:41:02.320 or two chats. You do want to stay there, You 0:41:02.360 --> 0:41:04.200 don't want to go right to the beginning, going So, 0:41:04.320 --> 0:41:06.800 how is your relationship with your mom there? Yeah, you 0:41:06.840 --> 0:41:14.440 don't a skirt there, but um yeah, I would talk. 0:41:14.560 --> 0:41:18.080 I would talk pleasantly about it. Maybe that's why they 0:41:18.080 --> 0:41:22.520 don't call me back. I just figured that out. So anyway, 0:41:23.120 --> 0:41:25.040 you want to stay light and surfacing for a little bit, 0:41:25.080 --> 0:41:27.000 but then quickly you want to be your authentic self. 0:41:27.080 --> 0:41:30.480 So rather than just talking about music and movies and 0:41:30.520 --> 0:41:34.200 sports and you know, do you like the same color food, 0:41:34.880 --> 0:41:37.880 why don't you talk about you know, what a relationship 0:41:37.920 --> 0:41:42.640 means to you, what your deepest fears are, what um 0:41:42.680 --> 0:41:44.440 you know, what you think you're really good at it 0:41:44.560 --> 0:41:48.120 and you're proud of accomplishing, And what things you'd like 0:41:48.200 --> 0:41:50.480 to improve on as a human being, what areas you 0:41:50.520 --> 0:41:54.120 want to grow? And you start in those places. I 0:41:54.120 --> 0:41:57.880 don't know if you've ever done that. New York Times 0:41:57.920 --> 0:42:01.040 devised thirty six questions to fall in love. Oh I 0:42:01.080 --> 0:42:03.319 have not, but we have to do it. I want 0:42:03.360 --> 0:42:07.200 to do it. There's an app as well. So it's 0:42:07.200 --> 0:42:10.440 the fascinating because if you it takes about ninety minutes 0:42:10.480 --> 0:42:13.479 to go through. But if you do it, you will 0:42:14.160 --> 0:42:16.759 have feelings of love for that person. Now, I want 0:42:16.760 --> 0:42:19.239 to explain that the feelings of love that you're going 0:42:19.320 --> 0:42:23.480 to have are actually feelings of intimacy, and especially for 0:42:23.520 --> 0:42:26.520 men who have so many men have been acculturated not 0:42:26.719 --> 0:42:29.840 to get in touch with their feelings or share feelings 0:42:29.880 --> 0:42:33.120 with other people. Um, when they have that moment where 0:42:33.120 --> 0:42:35.839 they start expressing feelings, they're like, oh, it must be love, 0:42:36.040 --> 0:42:40.560 right because it's it's thirty six questions designed that start 0:42:40.640 --> 0:42:44.640 light and then get deeper and deeper. And I've seen 0:42:44.719 --> 0:42:47.920 videotapes of couples that have never set eyes on. At 0:42:47.960 --> 0:42:50.319 the end of ninety minutes, they interview them separately and 0:42:50.360 --> 0:42:52.879 say how do you feel? And they's a really into her. 0:42:53.280 --> 0:42:56.239 It just makes you get to the real core of 0:42:56.280 --> 0:42:59.920 the person. Really interesting. Um, that's I definitely want to 0:43:00.000 --> 0:43:02.880 at that test or look at that. Um. So for 0:43:02.920 --> 0:43:04.880 people that are on dating apps and touched on it 0:43:04.960 --> 0:43:07.919 at one point, you touched on it, I thought was great. Um, 0:43:08.680 --> 0:43:10.960 limit the amount that you are talking to and how 0:43:11.120 --> 0:43:14.520 choice will lead to lack of choice. Really, the abundance 0:43:14.520 --> 0:43:16.760 of choice will lead to you having a lack of choice. 0:43:16.920 --> 0:43:19.760 How many people would you recommend that somebody? If somebody 0:43:19.840 --> 0:43:23.400 is messaging multiple people right now but striving for that 0:43:23.480 --> 0:43:26.799 deeper connection, Um, how do you recommend they go about that? 0:43:26.840 --> 0:43:30.040 How many people should they talk to you you? Just one? Yeah, 0:43:30.200 --> 0:43:33.719 you're not gonna like my news. You might be texting 0:43:34.080 --> 0:43:37.120 two or three or four. But once you get one 0:43:37.160 --> 0:43:40.560 on the phone, you know, do a human being a 0:43:40.680 --> 0:43:43.440 solid and just don't look at the app for a 0:43:43.480 --> 0:43:46.600 little while, like even a few days, Like just focus 0:43:46.640 --> 0:43:49.360 on one human at least for you know, we're not 0:43:49.400 --> 0:43:51.920 talking about getting married or saying this person is my 0:43:52.000 --> 0:43:56.800 significant other. We're talking about just allowing them to occupy 0:43:56.960 --> 0:44:00.200 the headspace instead of the static in your brain of 0:44:00.320 --> 0:44:04.239 comparing three people who wants to be compared anyway, right, 0:44:04.760 --> 0:44:08.200 and so just as respect uh. And then when you know, 0:44:08.360 --> 0:44:11.440 and it may be that it never advances from phone 0:44:11.480 --> 0:44:14.120 call to zoom, or it does, and then from zoom 0:44:14.120 --> 0:44:16.880 it might be a socially distanced outdoor date or a 0:44:16.920 --> 0:44:19.680 walk or something um. And then maybe even at the 0:44:19.800 --> 0:44:21.840 end of that, you might say, you know, it's been 0:44:21.840 --> 0:44:23.879 great getting to know you. You might be a good 0:44:24.040 --> 0:44:26.319 you know, business contact, or I might have a friend 0:44:26.360 --> 0:44:28.040 I could fix you up with. I don't think romances 0:44:28.040 --> 0:44:32.040 in the cards for us. But you know, nothing about 0:44:32.080 --> 0:44:35.000 like being respectful to somebody. I'm not a big fan 0:44:35.040 --> 0:44:37.600 of the ghosting. Now, ghosting when you're just texting makes sense, 0:44:37.880 --> 0:44:41.440 but if you've actually met someone and talked on the phone, 0:44:42.000 --> 0:44:46.919 to ghost them is like such a whimpy move. Really. 0:44:48.360 --> 0:44:50.960 We've had many conversations about that. Many of the questions 0:44:51.000 --> 0:44:53.880 we get from our listeners are why do men goes 0:44:54.719 --> 0:44:57.640 women goes to? Well, for sure, but a lot of 0:44:57.840 --> 0:45:00.560 a lot more. We've had a lot more female messaging 0:45:00.600 --> 0:45:03.960 about men doing it um and men definitely guilty of 0:45:04.160 --> 0:45:06.719 doing it. I'm not saying women aren't. Well, I'll tell 0:45:06.760 --> 0:45:10.640 you the main reason, right so men. It's politically incorrect 0:45:10.719 --> 0:45:13.960 to say, but it's the absolute scientific truth. Men want 0:45:14.200 --> 0:45:18.080 more sex than women, and men want more partners than 0:45:18.719 --> 0:45:21.640 most women. So if they say to a woman, hey, 0:45:21.840 --> 0:45:23.680 I'm not really into you, you you should just go away, 0:45:23.800 --> 0:45:26.480 they're cutting off a potential sexual opportunity. What if they 0:45:26.480 --> 0:45:28.279 have a dry spell, they can circle back to that 0:45:28.320 --> 0:45:30.920 girl and go, oh, I'm so sorry. We must have 0:45:30.960 --> 0:45:41.399 a technical problem on three G. Exactly what are you 0:45:41.480 --> 0:45:46.719 seeing as opportunities right now that weren't maybe so prominent 0:45:46.800 --> 0:45:49.680 or present with COVID, Like I look at the world 0:45:49.760 --> 0:45:54.120 like everything is an opportunity, right So from COVID, new 0:45:54.160 --> 0:45:56.480 businesses are going to come up when other businesses are 0:45:56.480 --> 0:45:58.520 gonna shot a new new things are going to come 0:45:58.600 --> 0:46:02.479 from this um. New opportunities are being birthed right now 0:46:02.960 --> 0:46:07.120 during this unique time where people think this is a 0:46:07.160 --> 0:46:10.680 time of lacking you know, like, what what opportunities do 0:46:10.719 --> 0:46:13.280 you foresee in the dating world that people are maybe 0:46:13.280 --> 0:46:16.600 overlooking or not seeing right now. You know, It's just 0:46:16.680 --> 0:46:19.920 another stress or in the environment, and we grow with 0:46:19.960 --> 0:46:22.440 all stressors. We are. The reason why we're the animal 0:46:22.480 --> 0:46:24.560 that took over the planet is because we have this 0:46:24.640 --> 0:46:28.640 ability to adapt to different kind of environmental challenges. Trust me, 0:46:28.719 --> 0:46:31.239 we're not the top of the food chain. Lions and 0:46:31.239 --> 0:46:36.400 sharks are, right, but we still manage to control even them. So, um, 0:46:36.440 --> 0:46:38.880 what I think this is an opportunity for many people 0:46:38.920 --> 0:46:41.840 to do is to slow down the early stages of 0:46:41.840 --> 0:46:45.840 a relationship and build a little bit of emotional intimacy 0:46:45.880 --> 0:46:48.399 before they jump into bed. You know, because we've entered 0:46:48.400 --> 0:46:52.240 this no rules relationship revolution, which in some always is great, 0:46:52.760 --> 0:46:55.200 it's really great. It's that you're not under this pressure 0:46:55.239 --> 0:46:59.400 to have a definition of a relationship too early, and 0:46:59.440 --> 0:47:01.760 you can sleep up with whoever you want and and 0:47:01.760 --> 0:47:06.240 and experiments sexually with all kinds of things. That's all great, 0:47:06.680 --> 0:47:10.399 but that doesn't lead you to that one on one 0:47:10.520 --> 0:47:14.600 trust and emotional support. So being forced to stay distant 0:47:15.120 --> 0:47:20.520 forces you to use other skills and to talk about 0:47:20.600 --> 0:47:26.000 things like the F word, feelings and really really connect 0:47:26.080 --> 0:47:29.799 with someone. So I think it's a I think it's 0:47:29.840 --> 0:47:33.160 for many people a blessing in disguise. Yeah, that's what 0:47:33.200 --> 0:47:36.799 Mark was saying earlier. He said that COVID and the 0:47:36.840 --> 0:47:41.239 inability to be in proximity to the person lead to 0:47:41.440 --> 0:47:45.319 just a lot of conversation, a lot of discussion, and 0:47:45.520 --> 0:47:49.399 the emotional occupying of space in the other person's world 0:47:49.440 --> 0:47:52.800 and in your world versus physically being in the space 0:47:52.840 --> 0:47:56.400 and having that actually confused things or speed things up 0:47:56.440 --> 0:47:59.040 too fast and get too far ahead of ourselves because 0:47:59.040 --> 0:48:01.440 you're physically you you might go too fast and you're 0:48:01.480 --> 0:48:04.600 really attracting each other. And he said they him and 0:48:04.640 --> 0:48:08.800 his girlfriend now girlfriend, really bonded emotionally and that space 0:48:08.800 --> 0:48:12.680 in each other's lives grew emotionally through the digital connection. 0:48:13.120 --> 0:48:16.319 That then when they met boom, it was just fireworks 0:48:16.320 --> 0:48:20.200 when they met. And maybe if it happened differently, maybe 0:48:20.239 --> 0:48:23.000 they might have like together. Maybe in real life it 0:48:23.040 --> 0:48:25.160 might have fallen apart some way. Maybe they wouldn't have 0:48:25.200 --> 0:48:29.960 built that solid foundation of connection and appreciation and discovery 0:48:30.040 --> 0:48:34.040 of somebody to allow the physical devent follow it. I 0:48:34.120 --> 0:48:37.840 have this theory actually that the brain can't tolerate a 0:48:37.920 --> 0:48:41.360 double whammy of physical intimacy and emotional intimacy at the 0:48:41.360 --> 0:48:44.320 same time. It's just too embarrassing. So people that head 0:48:44.440 --> 0:48:47.319 right into bed um all of a sudden sort of 0:48:47.360 --> 0:48:50.239 shut down emotionally, like the emotional growth in the relationship 0:48:50.320 --> 0:48:52.680 stops at that point because they're trying to be cool. 0:48:52.719 --> 0:48:56.160 And if they're exposing themselves in so many vulnerable physical 0:48:56.200 --> 0:48:58.400 ways that it would be just way too much to 0:48:58.480 --> 0:49:01.200 expose your heart at the same time. So it often 0:49:01.920 --> 0:49:05.000 starting with the physical. While it's a whole lot of fun, 0:49:05.480 --> 0:49:07.880 it can be a trick too, because of course it 0:49:07.960 --> 0:49:11.759 produces that cocktail of neuro hormones called lust that makes 0:49:11.800 --> 0:49:14.840 you feel feelings of love. But you're like, I just 0:49:15.000 --> 0:49:19.120 met this person, so how can it be right. One 0:49:19.120 --> 0:49:22.040 of my favorite theories of love is by Dr Robert 0:49:22.080 --> 0:49:26.319 Sternberg at Stanford and he or Davis, I think said 0:49:26.320 --> 0:49:30.239 you see Davis. He does a triangular triangular theory of love. 0:49:30.400 --> 0:49:32.520 He studied a lot on intelligence too, and he believes 0:49:32.520 --> 0:49:37.279 that love has three prongs. One is passion, which is 0:49:37.320 --> 0:49:41.040 that lust we talked about. Other is commitment, and that's 0:49:41.040 --> 0:49:45.040 where your brain does a cost benefit analysis and goes, Okay, 0:49:45.120 --> 0:49:48.160 so the sex hormones have died down, but our families 0:49:48.200 --> 0:49:50.880 like each other and she's nice to my dog, and 0:49:50.920 --> 0:49:53.440 they seem like good people, and Okay, I'm gonna make 0:49:53.480 --> 0:49:57.960 this commitment intellectually. And the other is emotional intimacy. And 0:49:58.040 --> 0:50:03.719 so relationships can have one, two, or three of these prongs. Right. 0:50:03.960 --> 0:50:06.040 We all like to imagine that we're going to have 0:50:06.440 --> 0:50:10.640 great sexual passion, a good commitment and trust and loyalty, 0:50:10.719 --> 0:50:13.080 and that we're going to have emotional intimacy, but that 0:50:13.160 --> 0:50:15.920 doesn't always happen. You might have commitment and passion and 0:50:15.920 --> 0:50:18.799 that's called a quickie Las Vegas wedding right after you met, Right, 0:50:19.040 --> 0:50:21.279 you're so into each other that you rush to make 0:50:21.280 --> 0:50:26.560 that commitment. You might have intimacy and passion but no commitment. 0:50:26.600 --> 0:50:28.360 And these might be people who are having an affair. 0:50:28.560 --> 0:50:31.040 Maybe they have another primary partner, so they have deep 0:50:31.040 --> 0:50:34.400 emotional intimacy. Uh. You know, she's talking about the problems 0:50:34.400 --> 0:50:36.640 with her husband. He's talking about the problems with his wife. 0:50:36.640 --> 0:50:40.239 They really are and they have great sex, but there's 0:50:40.280 --> 0:50:44.000 no commitment there, or you might have uh commitment and 0:50:44.080 --> 0:50:47.439 emotional intimacy without the passion, and you would call that 0:50:48.080 --> 0:50:51.920 mature companion and love like a wonderful set of grandparents 0:50:51.920 --> 0:50:53.960 who are like, you know, the sex things done for us, 0:50:53.960 --> 0:50:57.279 but we have all kinds of reasons to stay connected. Wow, 0:50:57.840 --> 0:51:00.799 that's one. I've never heard that before. That's wonderful. And 0:51:00.840 --> 0:51:03.319 I bet everybody is sitting there like me, just like 0:51:03.480 --> 0:51:06.239 analyzing a relationship being like, oh, what was present? What 0:51:06.320 --> 0:51:09.800 wasn't present when this? Um? So, would you recommend that 0:51:09.880 --> 0:51:13.840 couple of couples then would take that and and individually 0:51:14.040 --> 0:51:17.319 just explore what they feel is because I think if 0:51:17.360 --> 0:51:20.040 you ask both people in the relationship they might you 0:51:20.120 --> 0:51:21.840 might get a different answer. Well, I think we have this, 0:51:21.920 --> 0:51:24.280 and I think we have this. Does that ever happen? 0:51:24.320 --> 0:51:27.439 And you would advise couples to like take those three 0:51:27.520 --> 0:51:33.640 things those passion, emotional emotional intimacy and commitment and commitment 0:51:33.880 --> 0:51:36.920 and I'm sure, like you said, you're going to be 0:51:36.960 --> 0:51:39.799 strong at two, but maybe have to work on the third. 0:51:40.000 --> 0:51:42.560 And just like you said, some of the conflict in 0:51:42.600 --> 0:51:46.240 relationships come because one person is giving two of those 0:51:46.280 --> 0:51:49.800 things and the other person is giving to other ones 0:51:50.280 --> 0:51:52.880 in other words, So like, let's use the example of 0:51:52.920 --> 0:51:56.200 a guy who's really in love with a woman and 0:51:56.280 --> 0:52:00.920 he's sharing his heart, he's giving a lot of emotional intimacy. 0:52:01.040 --> 0:52:04.839 They're having rocking sex, but for whatever reason, maybe her 0:52:04.840 --> 0:52:07.520 own attachment style, she's not about to make him a 0:52:07.520 --> 0:52:11.120 public boyfriend, okay, and so she's not making that commitment. 0:52:11.560 --> 0:52:15.640 So he's stuck in this place of longing and hope, right, 0:52:16.040 --> 0:52:19.160 And at the same time, she's feeling kind of giving 0:52:19.200 --> 0:52:23.640 too much intimacy. Besides that triangle that I talked about, 0:52:23.920 --> 0:52:26.359 the other thing that's really important for couples to learn 0:52:26.520 --> 0:52:30.799 is each individual's attached and style. Right. Some people can 0:52:30.840 --> 0:52:34.800 tolerate a lot of emotional intimacy, and some people can't, 0:52:34.880 --> 0:52:37.400 Like they run from it, and they can get physically intimate, 0:52:37.920 --> 0:52:40.960 but it's just too much. They were either brought up 0:52:40.960 --> 0:52:43.600 in a family of origin that didn't talk about feelings, 0:52:44.080 --> 0:52:47.240 or as a young baby when their brain was tripling 0:52:47.239 --> 0:52:49.880 in size, their needs were not met by their caregiver. 0:52:50.160 --> 0:52:53.840 So their deep belief system is my needs can't be met, 0:52:54.040 --> 0:52:58.680 so I'm independent. I will make sure I'm not counting 0:52:58.719 --> 0:53:02.200 on you. And make I'm not dependent on you. So 0:53:02.280 --> 0:53:04.720 some of the biggest problems, and this is a really 0:53:04.760 --> 0:53:08.920 common couple is the anxious we call it the anxious 0:53:08.960 --> 0:53:12.600 attached person. This is the person checking their iPhone, constantly 0:53:12.640 --> 0:53:15.239 counting the number of words in the text, counting them 0:53:15.320 --> 0:53:18.440 number of minutes between the text. They're vigilantly watching for 0:53:18.520 --> 0:53:22.280 signs of abandonment, right, and then they meet the avoidant person. 0:53:22.680 --> 0:53:24.719 And by the way, they have really great sex. They're 0:53:24.719 --> 0:53:26.640 known to have the best sex of any couple, and 0:53:26.680 --> 0:53:30.080 they're known to last actually the longest years. But they're 0:53:30.120 --> 0:53:35.240 also known to be the most unhappy, terribly unhappy. Yeah, yeah, 0:53:35.440 --> 0:53:39.600 they'll stay together because it's this constant chase the avoidant. 0:53:39.640 --> 0:53:44.040 The anxious one is having these moments of I see 0:53:44.320 --> 0:53:47.080 her or him in her intimate moment when we're having 0:53:47.080 --> 0:53:51.040 this great sex, and then the avoidant one is just like, Okay, 0:53:51.080 --> 0:53:53.480 this is too much. I've got to take a break 0:53:53.560 --> 0:53:55.960 right after sex, and then the run starts again, the 0:53:56.000 --> 0:54:02.359 little chase starts again. Why is dating? So, are you know? 0:54:02.800 --> 0:54:06.880 A relationship is a gymnasium for your mind. It's a 0:54:06.920 --> 0:54:10.440 workout for your brain. And when people say, oh, you know, 0:54:10.480 --> 0:54:12.680 I took some time off for dating so I could 0:54:12.719 --> 0:54:16.239 just heal and grow. And I'm like, you know what, 0:54:16.440 --> 0:54:19.160 if you're sitting on a mountaintop meditating, thinking you're going 0:54:19.200 --> 0:54:22.759 to improve your relationships, all you're doing is avoiding. The 0:54:22.800 --> 0:54:25.919 only way to approve improve relationships is to go into 0:54:25.960 --> 0:54:28.839 relationships and try to be more conscious each with each one, 0:54:29.120 --> 0:54:32.520 try to pick better partners, perhaps more importantly, try to 0:54:32.560 --> 0:54:36.360 be a better partner in each relationship, and that's how 0:54:36.440 --> 0:54:39.480 we grow. I think that's a wonderful one too, because 0:54:39.480 --> 0:54:42.240 I always want to put it back on the responsibility 0:54:42.360 --> 0:54:45.080 of the individual. What you said is try and be 0:54:45.160 --> 0:54:48.080 a better part exactly. You know that's I think that's 0:54:48.080 --> 0:54:51.239 truly how you will grow. Um show up as a 0:54:51.280 --> 0:54:54.560 better version of yourself. I try and do it every day, 0:54:54.600 --> 0:54:56.480 every day. I try and be a better version of myself. 0:54:56.480 --> 0:54:59.160 But certainly in a relationship. And if you're bouncing from 0:54:59.239 --> 0:55:01.799 relationship to relationship, instead of just saying why can't meet 0:55:01.800 --> 0:55:04.000 the right person? The right person that they're not even 0:55:04.000 --> 0:55:06.400 out there, I'm meeting these wrong guys. Just if you 0:55:06.560 --> 0:55:09.239 are girls, if you can just continually I believe what 0:55:09.280 --> 0:55:11.000 you put out into the world, you're going to attract, 0:55:11.719 --> 0:55:14.200 you know, and if you can show up as an authentic, real, 0:55:14.320 --> 0:55:19.840 genuine invested person that I just, I truly just believe 0:55:19.880 --> 0:55:22.239 the universe is going to bring magic together and it's 0:55:22.280 --> 0:55:23.920 gonna put your person in front of it. And I 0:55:24.000 --> 0:55:26.879 also want to say that there is a myth out 0:55:26.880 --> 0:55:30.440 there that having a healthy relationship is about finding the 0:55:30.520 --> 0:55:35.160 right partner. It's not. Having a healthy relationship is about 0:55:35.280 --> 0:55:39.600 having good relationship skills. Relationships are far less about luck 0:55:40.080 --> 0:55:44.680 and a lot more about skill. What kind of skills? So, um, 0:55:44.719 --> 0:55:46.759 here's something I heard. I want to dive into this. 0:55:46.760 --> 0:55:49.719 This is really interesting, Wendy Um. One thing I heard 0:55:49.719 --> 0:55:51.959 on a podcast one time. A gentleman was talking about 0:55:52.000 --> 0:55:56.600 successful relationships, whether it be personal relationships or business relationships. 0:55:56.960 --> 0:56:03.440 He said, successful relationships, um have similar values with complementary skills. 0:56:04.400 --> 0:56:07.120 So their values are the same. Maybe this person is 0:56:07.200 --> 0:56:10.360 strong at commitment and this person is strong at communication 0:56:10.480 --> 0:56:14.440 or something, but their skills complement each other. Um, what 0:56:14.520 --> 0:56:17.320 kind of skills are you talking about that need that 0:56:17.360 --> 0:56:21.239 our present for a successful relationship. Well, when we look 0:56:21.280 --> 0:56:25.600 at research on long term committed couples who report that 0:56:25.640 --> 0:56:28.800 they've had a lot of happiness. Those are my favorite 0:56:28.800 --> 0:56:32.280 couples to study because I'm like, who are they, Let's 0:56:32.320 --> 0:56:35.200 figure this out? Um? They where they do a couple 0:56:35.200 --> 0:56:38.080 of things that are really interesting. One is they tend 0:56:38.120 --> 0:56:43.000 to hold positive memories for a really long time. That's 0:56:43.000 --> 0:56:46.600 why you see couples redo their vows when they get 0:56:46.600 --> 0:56:48.680 into dulg rooms of marriage. Twelve years later, they'll have 0:56:48.719 --> 0:56:50.960 another fake wedding, right, That's why they go back to 0:56:51.000 --> 0:56:52.759 where they went on their first date, where they went 0:56:52.800 --> 0:56:56.520 on their first They're trying to recreate the feelings. Also 0:56:56.640 --> 0:57:00.239 when they are in conflict. So people who have poor 0:57:00.280 --> 0:57:03.919 attachment style and don't have good conflict resolution skills, when 0:57:03.920 --> 0:57:07.920 they're in an argument or a fight, they literally forget 0:57:08.520 --> 0:57:13.280 who their partner is, and their partner becomes an adversary, 0:57:13.440 --> 0:57:17.400 an object to be angry with. They can't hold the 0:57:17.480 --> 0:57:21.280 good and the bad at the same time. Healthy partners 0:57:21.400 --> 0:57:25.240 are able to go all right, she's losing her right now, 0:57:26.280 --> 0:57:29.360 but I remember all those times when she's been there 0:57:29.400 --> 0:57:32.240 for me, had my back, or been a good mom. 0:57:32.320 --> 0:57:35.680 I'm going to ride through this. And so what they're 0:57:35.720 --> 0:57:39.840 able to do is hold the positive qualities of their 0:57:39.880 --> 0:57:44.280 partner in their mind at the same time that the 0:57:44.360 --> 0:57:50.440 chaos is happening. And you hear about communication skills all 0:57:50.480 --> 0:57:53.200 the time, But what does it really mean to have 0:57:53.280 --> 0:57:57.440 good communication skills? It's actually not talking. It's about learning 0:57:57.520 --> 0:58:02.920 to listen and merror what you think you heard, giving 0:58:02.960 --> 0:58:07.560 it back to them. So I'm hearing that when I 0:58:07.640 --> 0:58:12.680 came home three nights late, that you actually felt abandoned 0:58:12.720 --> 0:58:15.720 by me. No, I'm just pissed you just weren't there. 0:58:16.320 --> 0:58:19.680 But it seems like that hurt you. Well, yeah, you 0:58:19.680 --> 0:58:22.680 can piss me up. Well, you see, and you're giving 0:58:22.840 --> 0:58:27.760 names to feelings and after a while they calm down 0:58:27.760 --> 0:58:31.960 because they feel so hurt and seen. M. I think 0:58:32.080 --> 0:58:36.280 listening is such an underrated skill. It is such a 0:58:36.360 --> 0:58:40.240 part of communication, um and I've shared it on this 0:58:40.280 --> 0:58:43.400 podcast many times. But in relationships, I try and say, 0:58:43.520 --> 0:58:49.080 listen to understand, don't listen to reply. That's so brilliant 0:58:49.320 --> 0:58:52.720 because we spend our time thinking of our comeback instead 0:58:52.760 --> 0:58:56.120 of like, what are they feeling? Yeah, yeah, I'm just 0:58:56.160 --> 0:58:58.000 waiting to get Oh are you finished so I can 0:58:58.040 --> 0:59:00.440 say my thing? You know that. It's just then it's 0:59:00.440 --> 0:59:03.840 a we're not even communicating. I'm yelling you're yelling or like, 0:59:03.920 --> 0:59:05.640 I'm just trying to get my point across. You're trying 0:59:05.640 --> 0:59:08.560 to get your point across, but nothing is being exchanged 0:59:09.000 --> 0:59:13.120 between us. And so listening is such a powerful skill. 0:59:13.160 --> 0:59:16.200 And if you can listen to understand and then even 0:59:16.240 --> 0:59:19.400 take a pause. You know, when somebody tells you something 0:59:19.960 --> 0:59:26.320 and then you just listen and you don't respond, They're 0:59:26.400 --> 0:59:28.440 kind of like, what's going on, What's going on? I'm like, 0:59:28.480 --> 0:59:31.040 I'm just listening. They're kind of shocked because people in 0:59:31.080 --> 0:59:35.600 general don't listen, you know, but also interpreting what you 0:59:35.640 --> 0:59:38.760 believe you heard. Like I have a technique. I don't 0:59:38.760 --> 0:59:41.000 have a clinical practice now, but I used to have 0:59:41.000 --> 0:59:43.480 a technique where if there was an arguing couple I 0:59:43.480 --> 0:59:45.880 would have I would light a little candle and I'd say, 0:59:45.920 --> 0:59:48.480 only the person holding the candle can talk. And if 0:59:48.480 --> 0:59:50.680 you get angry, the candle's gonna blow out, because you're 0:59:50.680 --> 0:59:52.360 gonna blow it out with all of your breath, your 0:59:52.360 --> 0:59:55.480 hot air and breath right, and the other person has 0:59:55.520 --> 0:59:57.760 to hold it in while they say whatever they need 0:59:57.800 --> 1:00:00.400 to say. But I give them a pen and paper 1:00:01.040 --> 1:00:02.560 to make some notes. So I'm like, if you're just 1:00:02.640 --> 1:00:04.680 worried about your comeback and what you're gonna say. Just 1:00:04.720 --> 1:00:06.720 put it on the paper so you won't forget it. 1:00:06.720 --> 1:00:09.880 It'll be there. But when I passed the candle over, 1:00:10.240 --> 1:00:13.439 the first thing I asked the next person to say, 1:00:13.560 --> 1:00:18.240 is tell me three things you just heard. Oh, because 1:00:18.240 --> 1:00:20.160 they're not they're thinking about what they want to respond 1:00:20.240 --> 1:00:22.240 and it's over safe on the paper. They can come 1:00:22.280 --> 1:00:24.760 back with that. Don't worry, they haven't lost it. But 1:00:24.880 --> 1:00:27.880 tell me three things you've just heard that person say 1:00:28.680 --> 1:00:30.440 in your words, because we want to put it now 1:00:30.520 --> 1:00:34.520 in our words so we can interpret it right. Incredible, 1:00:34.640 --> 1:00:37.760 Oh man, it's so Relationships are such a dance, but 1:00:37.800 --> 1:00:40.919 they're so they're so wonderful. Like you learned so much, 1:00:40.920 --> 1:00:44.320 you grow so much, you know, you discover so much. 1:00:44.360 --> 1:00:47.680 There's so many parts of myself that I was didn't 1:00:47.680 --> 1:00:50.680 know existed in me, or I had shut off, or 1:00:50.720 --> 1:00:53.920 I wasn't in tune with um that have been opened 1:00:54.000 --> 1:00:57.200 up through not only through a relationship, but through friendships, 1:00:57.200 --> 1:00:59.880 through people that are different than me, you know, like 1:01:00.600 --> 1:01:03.960 living my whole life in a locker room being around 1:01:04.040 --> 1:01:07.480 kind of the same kind of man, having friends that 1:01:07.520 --> 1:01:11.800 are musicians or artists or dancers or that see the 1:01:11.800 --> 1:01:15.560 world and are emotionally so much different. Has just lossom 1:01:15.640 --> 1:01:19.040 different parts of me, which is wonderful, And relationships do 1:01:19.160 --> 1:01:23.080 it too. Um, I mean, you know Charles Darwin said, 1:01:23.720 --> 1:01:26.760 we are you know, it is survival of the fittest 1:01:26.840 --> 1:01:31.520 who will survive, and we call that natural selection. But 1:01:31.720 --> 1:01:36.360 actually sexual selection is far more important in our evolution. 1:01:36.680 --> 1:01:38.720 So it didn't matter if there was a great caveman 1:01:39.120 --> 1:01:42.360 who had a cave line with the best furs and 1:01:42.480 --> 1:01:45.560 made his own fire and killed all the best protein. 1:01:45.960 --> 1:01:48.880 If he could not shoot his genes into the future 1:01:49.280 --> 1:01:51.920 and put them in a good mother who would then 1:01:51.960 --> 1:01:55.040 shoot those genes into the next generation, he fell out 1:01:55.080 --> 1:01:59.280 of evolutions chain. And so made selection for both men 1:01:59.320 --> 1:02:04.960 and women is the most important part of human existence. 1:02:05.480 --> 1:02:08.080 And that's why I study the science of love. That's 1:02:08.080 --> 1:02:11.280 why Making Matters is all about human behavior that links 1:02:11.320 --> 1:02:15.480 to human mating strategy. I want to hear all about it. 1:02:15.560 --> 1:02:18.080 So let's talk about that. Making Matters is your podcast, 1:02:18.120 --> 1:02:21.280 and so for people looking for their partner, like I've 1:02:21.320 --> 1:02:23.760 said a million times on the show, the most important 1:02:23.800 --> 1:02:26.800 thing in my life, Wendy, is to be a loving 1:02:26.920 --> 1:02:32.200 partner and to be a loving father. That's that's my 1:02:32.320 --> 1:02:35.240 greatest version of me that I could ever see, is 1:02:35.280 --> 1:02:38.400 to be a loving husband and a loving father and 1:02:38.560 --> 1:02:42.960 hopefully to receive the love you deserve. That part of 1:02:43.000 --> 1:02:48.320 it too. But um, the like selecting a partner that 1:02:48.480 --> 1:02:53.400 shares those values, you know, not just for me, but 1:02:53.480 --> 1:02:56.120 because that's that's the values that they have in their 1:02:56.120 --> 1:02:59.920 own life. Um, I really want, I really wanted to 1:03:00.000 --> 1:03:03.520 sack out mating matters just to hear because it's such 1:03:03.560 --> 1:03:07.440 a complex process. Yeah, you know, maybe you like somebody, 1:03:07.560 --> 1:03:09.800 but oh I just don't see them as a mother. 1:03:10.400 --> 1:03:12.240 It's not the fit that I want, or maybe they 1:03:12.240 --> 1:03:15.280 have great characteristics or I don't know. But like choosing 1:03:15.360 --> 1:03:18.720 the person like my greatest dreams I can't fulfill by myself. 1:03:19.360 --> 1:03:22.360 I can't need a partner to do. You need girls, 1:03:24.560 --> 1:03:27.080 you need a womb. Okay, So one of the episodes 1:03:27.120 --> 1:03:30.400 of mating matter is called I think it's called an 1:03:30.440 --> 1:03:33.760 alpha male his junk food sex. And I use the 1:03:33.840 --> 1:03:37.320 term junk food sex this way. So we, as far 1:03:37.360 --> 1:03:40.760 as our diet is concerned, we as human beings, evolved 1:03:40.760 --> 1:03:46.360 to have an insatiable craving for salt, sugar, and fat. 1:03:46.880 --> 1:03:51.200 These were three vital but trace nutrients in our past. 1:03:51.720 --> 1:03:55.960 So as a result, today's modern food industry stuffs everything 1:03:56.040 --> 1:03:58.680 with salt, sugar, and fat because they know that we 1:03:58.720 --> 1:04:01.440 will respond to it because our bodies are used to 1:04:01.440 --> 1:04:03.080 living in a environment where it was hard to get 1:04:03.760 --> 1:04:07.520 So the same thing goes with sex. So think of this. 1:04:07.920 --> 1:04:11.160 For millions of years, we roamed the planet in mostly 1:04:11.280 --> 1:04:14.320 related plans of about thirty five people, and we were 1:04:14.360 --> 1:04:18.200 mostly smelling our stinky brother and sister. And anytime a 1:04:18.240 --> 1:04:20.800 new hunter from another tribe would walk in, all the 1:04:20.800 --> 1:04:23.120 girls would sit up straight because it was so rare 1:04:23.560 --> 1:04:25.680 to have a new set of genes, and we would 1:04:25.680 --> 1:04:27.720 literally smell the pheromones. That's how you can tell if 1:04:27.720 --> 1:04:31.840 somebody has very different genes, especially genes around immune system. 1:04:31.840 --> 1:04:35.480 It's a whole another episode. But um, what happens today. 1:04:35.600 --> 1:04:38.560 And so in the course of our entire lifetime as 1:04:38.600 --> 1:04:41.720 Homo sapiens, we never laid eyes on more than a 1:04:41.760 --> 1:04:47.000 hundred and fifty humans. Now that's what we're wired for. Now, 1:04:47.080 --> 1:04:50.680 think about today, where we have thousands of new potential mates. 1:04:50.720 --> 1:04:53.360 A thumb swipe away, where we were in crowded cities, 1:04:53.360 --> 1:04:57.200 on in crowded nightclubs, on crowded subways, and so it's 1:04:57.200 --> 1:05:00.160 being triggered like salt, sugar and fat. We must have 1:05:00.240 --> 1:05:01.840 sex with that, We must have sex with that, We 1:05:01.880 --> 1:05:05.160 must have sex with that because that was a scarcity 1:05:05.320 --> 1:05:08.840 way back when. So this episode called an Alpha male 1:05:08.840 --> 1:05:11.320 and his jump food sex. I got an email from 1:05:11.320 --> 1:05:17.720 a guy who played basketball, and he's confused because he 1:05:18.000 --> 1:05:22.600 was twenty four years old, has had at that point 1:05:22.640 --> 1:05:26.600 more than two hundred sexual partners, no idea how to 1:05:26.640 --> 1:05:29.760 have a relationship, and what had happened in his life 1:05:29.760 --> 1:05:31.880 that made him reach out to me is one of 1:05:31.920 --> 1:05:35.640 his sexual partners became pregnant and kept the baby. So 1:05:35.720 --> 1:05:38.120 now he has a baby daughter who's just a few 1:05:38.120 --> 1:05:42.120 months old, and his head is spinning about what he 1:05:42.160 --> 1:05:44.480 should be doing. And when I talked to him, it's 1:05:44.520 --> 1:05:47.360 such a very long and wonderful interview. He was very 1:05:47.440 --> 1:05:49.880 open and honest. But one of the things I said 1:05:49.880 --> 1:05:53.040 to him is maybe this daughter is such a gift 1:05:53.400 --> 1:05:58.080 because now you're shopping for her best stepmother. And he 1:05:58.200 --> 1:06:02.400 was like, oh, I never thought of it that way. Wow, 1:06:02.440 --> 1:06:12.560 that's wonderful. I gotta check out mating matters. Tell us 1:06:12.560 --> 1:06:15.240 a little bit more about mating matters. So I have 1:06:15.400 --> 1:06:18.920 my first Yeah, the first episode is called hidden Eggs. 1:06:18.960 --> 1:06:22.240 Why we're the only primate that you can't tell when refertile? 1:06:22.560 --> 1:06:24.800 You know, all the other monkeys have those big red 1:06:24.960 --> 1:06:27.560 monkey butts that you saw in National Geographic when you 1:06:27.600 --> 1:06:30.640 were a kid, right, those swellings. We don't. We have 1:06:30.720 --> 1:06:34.200 a hidden fertility. So I explain why we have hidden fertility. 1:06:34.520 --> 1:06:38.840 And I explain why men in certain ways can tell 1:06:39.320 --> 1:06:43.560 when and how a woman is ovulating. Also, since many 1:06:43.640 --> 1:06:48.160 women don't even know that they're ovulating, here's a funfic studies, 1:06:48.200 --> 1:06:52.160 and I interview scientists as well as real people. Um. 1:06:52.200 --> 1:06:58.440 Some scientists studied strippers, exotic dancers and their tips, and 1:06:58.520 --> 1:07:01.360 they found and then stroll cycles, and they found that 1:07:01.400 --> 1:07:04.720 whenever the stripper was ovulating, she made nine times the 1:07:04.760 --> 1:07:07.640 amount of tips. But if they interviewed her and asked 1:07:07.640 --> 1:07:09.400 her why, she always said, no, I had an off night, 1:07:09.560 --> 1:07:11.040 or I had a good night. I don't know, maybe 1:07:11.080 --> 1:07:13.880 I dance better or whatever. So they tried to figure 1:07:13.880 --> 1:07:17.400 out what was it that caused men to part with 1:07:17.440 --> 1:07:20.320 their money. And there are a number of factors but 1:07:20.360 --> 1:07:21.880 I'll give you only a couple because I want you 1:07:21.920 --> 1:07:24.439 to listen to the whole episode. But one is that 1:07:24.760 --> 1:07:31.160 women's voices change just slightly when they're ovulating, a little breathy, 1:07:31.160 --> 1:07:34.320 aer just a little softer. There's some more air in 1:07:34.360 --> 1:07:39.800 their voices, like Marilyn Monroe singing Happy birthday, Mr presnt right. 1:07:40.400 --> 1:07:44.000 And so in order to actually make the big tips 1:07:44.040 --> 1:07:47.760 as an exotic dancer, you have to book the lap dances. Well, 1:07:47.800 --> 1:07:50.320 how do you book a lap dance from up on stage? 1:07:51.480 --> 1:07:56.640 Clubs are notoriously very loud and they're very dark, And 1:07:56.680 --> 1:07:58.960 how do you book a lap dance? You walk up 1:07:58.960 --> 1:08:02.000 to somebody and you say in their ear, would you 1:08:02.000 --> 1:08:05.760 like a lap dance? And they hear in the voice 1:08:07.560 --> 1:08:09.640 and they know it, but they know they'll pay more 1:08:09.680 --> 1:08:12.880 for that lap dance. Wow, it's amazing how that shows up. 1:08:13.720 --> 1:08:15.080 And there are many other ways too. I don't want 1:08:15.080 --> 1:08:17.200 to give away the whole episode. So then we have 1:08:17.240 --> 1:08:21.920 another episode about dating and how the dating apps bio 1:08:22.000 --> 1:08:24.920 hack our brain, called Dating Apathy. We have a great 1:08:24.960 --> 1:08:29.280 one called porno. Are we allowed to swear on your podcast? Okay, 1:08:29.360 --> 1:08:34.200 it's called pornography mind fuck, And it's about how pornography 1:08:34.439 --> 1:08:38.920 also bio hacks the male brain. And we interview this 1:08:39.000 --> 1:08:40.920 really into He happens to be Canadian. I think he's 1:08:40.920 --> 1:08:44.680 from Western University or something, but he actually studies insects. 1:08:44.960 --> 1:08:48.840 And he was in Australia studying this particular breed of 1:08:48.920 --> 1:08:51.280 black beetle that was starting to go extinct and they 1:08:51.280 --> 1:08:53.519 couldn't figure out why. And he was out in the 1:08:53.560 --> 1:08:58.360 wilderness camping and he started noticing that on this road 1:08:58.720 --> 1:09:02.680 all these truckers with throw these particular brown beer bottles 1:09:02.720 --> 1:09:05.000 out the window as they drove, so they were littered 1:09:05.040 --> 1:09:07.240 with beer bottles everywhere, and they were the little we 1:09:07.320 --> 1:09:10.479 used to call them the studies. And I don't know 1:09:10.479 --> 1:09:13.040 if you remember, but sometimes they had that little bumps 1:09:13.080 --> 1:09:15.800 on them so they wouldn't slip out of your hands. Right. Well, 1:09:15.840 --> 1:09:19.919 apparently the color brown and the little bumps look exactly 1:09:19.960 --> 1:09:23.280 like a female beetle. So they kept finding these beer 1:09:23.320 --> 1:09:27.600 bottles covered with male beetles who couldn't stop stop calpulating 1:09:27.920 --> 1:09:31.439 and leaving their sperm on beer bottles instead of real females. 1:09:31.920 --> 1:09:34.960 Oh my gosh. And he likened it to male use 1:09:34.960 --> 1:09:39.400 of pornography, leaving the sperm with a screen instead of 1:09:39.400 --> 1:09:43.080 a human. His prediction is that the young man today 1:09:43.400 --> 1:09:46.120 who learns to actually speak with a woman, take her 1:09:46.120 --> 1:09:48.240 out on a Saturday night for a date, and have 1:09:48.360 --> 1:09:50.639 real sex with her will be the one whose genes 1:09:50.680 --> 1:09:53.479 will be in the future, not those who become addicted 1:09:53.520 --> 1:09:58.679 to porn. Wow, that is amazing. Yes, So I think 1:09:58.680 --> 1:10:00.680 it's science. I look at the human brain and I 1:10:00.720 --> 1:10:05.080 look at our modern environment. So Mating Matters is the podcast. 1:10:05.120 --> 1:10:09.080 Where else can people find you? Because undoubtedly our listeners 1:10:09.200 --> 1:10:12.880 are going to want the taste of Wendy Walsh. Thank 1:10:12.920 --> 1:10:15.759 you so much, brooks um Well. I have a radio 1:10:16.000 --> 1:10:19.120 show on kf I Am six forty Los Angeles live 1:10:19.160 --> 1:10:20.960 every Sunday from four to six, but you can find 1:10:21.000 --> 1:10:23.080 it at any time on the I Heart radio app. 1:10:23.560 --> 1:10:26.120 And I have I do a live stream on my 1:10:26.160 --> 1:10:28.800 social media and it is Wednesday, isn't it And it's 1:10:28.840 --> 1:10:30.680 four forties So in an hour and twenty minutes at 1:10:30.680 --> 1:10:34.240 six o'clock every Wednesday, I just stream everywhere and let 1:10:34.280 --> 1:10:36.760 anybody ask me any question they want for free on 1:10:36.800 --> 1:10:39.880 my all my social media, and my social media is 1:10:39.960 --> 1:10:42.960 at Dr Wendy Walsh just d R at d R 1:10:43.040 --> 1:10:45.840 Wendy Walsh. Amazing. That's amazing that you just give that 1:10:45.960 --> 1:10:49.920 value for free, because obviously you're such an accomplished person, 1:10:50.000 --> 1:10:52.439 but to then just open source everything you have with 1:10:52.479 --> 1:10:54.519 your heart. Really, what you're doing is you're sharing your 1:10:54.520 --> 1:10:57.320 heart with people. Um, you shared insight in your knowledge, 1:10:57.320 --> 1:10:59.519 but truthfully, you're sharing your heart. Just want to commend 1:10:59.520 --> 1:11:00.960 you for doing Thank you. But it's a gift to 1:11:01.000 --> 1:11:03.080 me too because it keeps my ear to the ground 1:11:03.080 --> 1:11:05.880 to see what people are struggling with. It's also fun 1:11:05.920 --> 1:11:08.320 to just sharpen your own blade. Yeah, you know, it's 1:11:08.320 --> 1:11:10.000 just like let me let me hear what they're dealing 1:11:10.080 --> 1:11:13.080 with now, and I'm always hear new Well, they think 1:11:13.080 --> 1:11:18.120 they're new problems. You know, technology hasn't created new problems, 1:11:18.120 --> 1:11:21.000 just new pathways to the old problems. Oh that's amazing. 1:11:21.400 --> 1:11:24.720 Dr Wendy Walsh. I have just literally been through the 1:11:24.760 --> 1:11:27.960 Wendy Walsh School. So I absolutely thank you so much. 1:11:27.960 --> 1:11:31.120 Our community, thanks you so much. Um guys, tune into 1:11:31.120 --> 1:11:34.200 Maating Matters, which is Wendy's podcast, UM, and tune into 1:11:34.200 --> 1:11:36.240 her Instagram lives as well. Wendy, thank you so much. 1:11:36.240 --> 1:11:38.800 We'd love to have you back on, thank you anytime. 1:11:39.479 --> 1:11:43.360 That's it for this episode, guys um until next week. 1:11:43.400 --> 1:11:45.759 As always, take care of one another, love one another, 1:11:45.840 --> 1:11:50.519 and use this episode as inspiration to find your connection.