Speaker 1: This is how Men Think with Broths and Gavin de
Speaker 1: grab and I hear radio podcasts. Welcome to the show.
Speaker 1: My name is Brooks, like I will be your host
Speaker 1: for today, and we're diving into a unique topic. A
Speaker 1: couple of weeks ago, we had a great discussion where
Speaker 1: we we discussed diving into the d M sliding into
Speaker 1: the d M s, and the response from that show
Speaker 1: was amazing. We're trying to help people connect during the
Speaker 1: time of COVID, and so we've kind of wanted to
Speaker 1: piggyback that with this discussion, and we have two great
Speaker 1: guests coming on. Today's discussion is about making connection during
Speaker 1: a time of COVID. So dating during COVID, how has
Speaker 1: it done? Is it possible? A lot of people are
Speaker 1: really discouraged right now saying that they're they're just writing off.
Speaker 1: They're not going to find any love or partnership or
Speaker 1: connection or intimacy in there, just writing it off. But
Speaker 1: we have a special co host with us today that
Speaker 1: is going to inspire and empower you guys because he
Speaker 1: has his own personal success story of dating during COVID.
Speaker 1: So he was a personal trainer, life coach, entrepreneur. He's
Speaker 1: got a degree in sports medicine. You probably best know
Speaker 1: him as the American reality TV star for having appeared
Speaker 1: on Netflix his first season of Love Is Blind. Mr
Speaker 1: Mark Quavis, Welcome to the show, brother my man. Thank
Speaker 1: you man. That quite the intro, quite the true dude. Uh,
Speaker 1: first off, how was that show? That's because that's a
Speaker 1: crazy show, so once once, I just want to say
Speaker 1: thank you for being on the show, dude, and I'm
Speaker 1: excited your story because it's gonna inspire our community. But
Speaker 1: let's I just want to briefly touch on that. How
Speaker 1: is that show? Dude? I mean, it's kind of similar
Speaker 1: to what we're going through kind of right now, right
Speaker 1: like love is like Love is Blind, except the fact
Speaker 1: that you know, it's this distance. You know, that's the
Speaker 1: only difference. But when we are I was on the show,
Speaker 1: it was nothing I've ever experienced. I was the youngest
Speaker 1: guy on the show, was twenty four years old at
Speaker 1: the time, and I mean, to kind of go into
Speaker 1: this dating experience and to not see the person was
Speaker 1: just so weird. It was Honestly, when they were explaining
Speaker 1: it to us before we even walked on set, I'm
Speaker 1: just like, I mean, I kept saying why not, let's
Speaker 1: try it, And I'm like, uh, we'll see how it goes.
Speaker 1: And then once you're in it, it's so crazy to think, like,
Speaker 1: when you're talking to someone without seeing them, how how
Speaker 1: much more vulnerable you become because you're not worried about
Speaker 1: what they think about you, Right, You're just kind of
Speaker 1: like in it, you're just yeah, it's almost like therapy
Speaker 1: in a weird way, but but with an emotional connection
Speaker 1: attached to it. And so you're just talking to them
Speaker 1: and you feel like you can be yourself. And so
Speaker 1: it kind of like because the first thing we do
Speaker 1: with dating now nowadays is like what do they look like?
Speaker 1: How hot are they? What? What does the physical look like? Right?
Speaker 1: And so the show kind of taught me is you
Speaker 1: know what's inside, like what what does their emotional state like?
Speaker 1: So it was a crazy experience. Man, I commend you
Speaker 1: for going on it. Man, I commend you for like, um,
Speaker 1: diving in and committing to that process. Because when if
Speaker 1: I look at my dating history, uh, full training, parenting, Yeah,
Speaker 1: looks were like the first thing that caught my eye,
Speaker 1: you know. And and it's terrible to say, but I
Speaker 1: was most likely probably judgmental of people. Um, I don't
Speaker 1: know if judgmental is right word, but like, oh, they
Speaker 1: don't seem like a partner for me, or oh I'm
Speaker 1: not interested in that person just based off of looks
Speaker 1: of seeing somebody across the room. And I also know, um,
Speaker 1: I also know that when you meet somebody, you can
Speaker 1: become a lot more attracted to them just by talking
Speaker 1: to them and getting to know them. You're like, Wow,
Speaker 1: that beautiful even though really at when I first met them,
Speaker 1: they didn't stand out to me in that way. So actually,
Speaker 1: I think it's wonderful. I commend you for committing to it.
Speaker 1: I mean, man, you hit the nail on the head.
Speaker 1: It's just like even from myself, like when I would
Speaker 1: go out with my friends, right, it's like you kind
Speaker 1: of base that person when you're at the bar and
Speaker 1: restaurant like oh, like yeah, like I don't think they'd
Speaker 1: be right for me. But then even if you find
Speaker 1: a beautiful person physically, sometimes not the most beautiful people
Speaker 1: on the inside, you know what I mean, and it
Speaker 1: comes to find out. So it was definitely an experience
Speaker 1: that taught that humbled me in terms of dating. Wow,
Speaker 1: I can't imagine so how did you how did you
Speaker 1: find you were able to make connections without being able
Speaker 1: to see the person? Uh So, what was so cool
Speaker 1: about the show is that it wasn't just like produced
Speaker 1: from my people that are just in like you know
Speaker 1: a bunch of Netflix shows, right. They had like relationship experts.
Speaker 1: They had um, I think, uh something psychologists, like some
Speaker 1: psychologists that help to like just help a couple of therapists.
Speaker 1: That's what it was. And what they did for us
Speaker 1: is gave us like a list of questions. Right now,
Speaker 1: They're like, you don't have to use this at all,
Speaker 1: like you but these questions are made by these people
Speaker 1: to like, if you ask it and someone's receptive to it,
Speaker 1: typically it's going to get a deeper response than just
Speaker 1: like what's your favorite color? Right? And so like what
Speaker 1: one of them was, what's your biggest fear? You know?
Speaker 1: Or if you like, my favorite one was if you
Speaker 1: had three people to eat dinner with dinner alive, who
Speaker 1: would they be and why? It's like these fun questions,
Speaker 1: but what they do is that they they allow you
Speaker 1: to see what the other what's important to the other person,
Speaker 1: and and then all of a sudden you're involved in
Speaker 1: the conversation because you're listening and you're engaged, and then
Speaker 1: you're like the next thing, you know, an hour passes
Speaker 1: by and you're like, holy crap, like what what just happened?
Speaker 1: Like and now it's like you trust them more because
Speaker 1: you feel like you know that person more, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean, Um, super cool. Yeah, I'm just thinking
Speaker 1: about that, um, and thinking about as I've gotten older.
Speaker 1: I mean, when I was twenty, probably everything was based
Speaker 1: off looks, you know, and then as you get older
Speaker 1: and you get to as I got to thirty, it
Speaker 1: was more going on a date was more about like
Speaker 1: the discovery of this person, Like, yeah, the asking better questions,
Speaker 1: Like when people go on dates, there's a lot of
Speaker 1: very much surface level conversation. Um. And I've thought about
Speaker 1: this problem even with friends. I try, I try and
Speaker 1: work on into my life just in better like the
Speaker 1: discovery of this person doesn't even have to be romantically
Speaker 1: but a French hip. And I think it's wonderful that
Speaker 1: that you guys asked those higher level questions, the deeper
Speaker 1: things questions did I mean, that's that's the biggest thing,
Speaker 1: is that like we're all like there was a time
Speaker 1: like I think early on in college that when I
Speaker 1: when I was dating somebody, we dated for like two years,
Speaker 1: and I feel like even like once I went into
Speaker 1: this experience right with Love is Blind, is like I
Speaker 1: felt like I knew more about the people on the
Speaker 1: show than I did with the girlfriend that I had
Speaker 1: for two years, you know what I mean, because like
Speaker 1: it was all like it wasn't like it was all service.
Speaker 1: She was amazing person. It was it was awesome, like
Speaker 1: she's she's great. It's just we didn't dive deep, right.
Speaker 1: There was no like I know who you really are
Speaker 1: to your core because of these questions and challenges, and like,
Speaker 1: you know, it wasn't like that to obviously I was young,
Speaker 1: I was younger, but but to know about it now,
Speaker 1: it's just kind of crazy to say, like how important
Speaker 1: it is to get to know somebody, your friends, your family,
Speaker 1: have just sit down, have some quality time and just
Speaker 1: ask these questions. Like literally, a Google search can give
Speaker 1: you like a hundred like deep thought, thought provoking questions
Speaker 1: and you're like, oh, I like that one. I like
Speaker 1: that one, and just ask and see what happens. You know, Um,
Speaker 1: here's a question for you. Did you find that since
Speaker 1: you couldn't see this person's face. Did you find that
Speaker 1: you were a more attentive and involved listener? I think
Speaker 1: when I wasn't you know what we had? What happens
Speaker 1: when we're sitting in front of someone, right, we're looking
Speaker 1: at the eye contact, worried about, you know, the the
Speaker 1: other thought process, what they're thinking it. I just was
Speaker 1: so relaxed and I didn't feel any pressure of like
Speaker 1: just being something that I wasn't right. I just felt
Speaker 1: like I just had to be myself, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean? And for me when I saw like myself
Speaker 1: towards the end of the show, it was just it
Speaker 1: was still being me and like I didn't worry about
Speaker 1: what she thought of me or nothing like that. It
Speaker 1: allowed me to really listen to what her fears were
Speaker 1: and her thoughts about marriage and all this stuff where
Speaker 1: it says it really was comforting to know that, like
Speaker 1: without that sight unseeing that I could be myself. How
Speaker 1: did it feel when the reveal came? Oh? Man, the
Speaker 1: initial thought I was freaking out. I'm not gonna lie
Speaker 1: like I was what you gonna think of me? Or
Speaker 1: what am I gonna think of her? I was like,
Speaker 1: what's she gonna think of me. Honestly, that was my
Speaker 1: initial thought because I'm like, oh man, like I was
Speaker 1: in it, Like when I tell you, I was like,
Speaker 1: you know, head over heels, the whole, the whole nine yards.
Speaker 1: You know, obviously in that relationship didn't work out. But
Speaker 1: like in the reveal day, man, like my knee, I
Speaker 1: was like, don't look at your legs. I don't want
Speaker 1: to fall back, Like just like go back. Just just
Speaker 1: stay straight up, man, don't just stay straight up. You're
Speaker 1: gonna be okay. Just breathe and like the second the
Speaker 1: doors just open, I'm like, oh god, oh man. It's
Speaker 1: like I can The only way I can explain it
Speaker 1: is like when I used to play football in college.
Speaker 1: Like my thing was right before we walked out where
Speaker 1: you're like getting hyped, I was bouncing like this. I
Speaker 1: was like just like here we go, Here we go.
Speaker 1: I was like I was looking at the guy behind
Speaker 1: the camera. He's just laughing at me because I'm just like, bro,
Speaker 1: like I don't can't control this. This is just right now.
Speaker 1: That's awesome, man, that's awesome. So um do you think
Speaker 1: you would be? So a lot of a lot of
Speaker 1: dating now is done during like doing FaceTime or zoom
Speaker 1: calls or that kind of thing, Like do you think
Speaker 1: this experience would have like set you up to be
Speaker 1: a pro. You should do a masterclass on like FaceTime
Speaker 1: dating or zoom calls. Honestly, man, it's kind of the
Speaker 1: same thing, you know, except for FaceTime. You know, you
Speaker 1: get to see the person, but you're still not there
Speaker 1: with them, right, It's still that physical presence, and like
Speaker 1: it almost with FaceTime, it allows you to kind of
Speaker 1: just be yourself too, because you're just kind of like, hey,
Speaker 1: like you're not right next to me, you're but you're
Speaker 1: still communicating from a distance, right, And so I mean,
Speaker 1: hell if they wanted for me to do masterclass on zoom,
Speaker 1: like I meantime zoom, but FaceTime let me. So you
Speaker 1: guys had met once, but then this emotional connection is
Speaker 1: that established essentially digitally, so it's kind of flirtatious. You
Speaker 1: can tell you're investing your energy in each other. Do
Speaker 1: you think that like that build up and actually that
Speaker 1: COVID might have benefited you there that kept your distance
Speaker 1: and then you could when you met each other, you
Speaker 1: already had this investment of energy even though it was digitally.
Speaker 1: But you had this investment energy and you could sort
Speaker 1: of hit the ground running. Almost felt like you knew
Speaker 1: each other without the awkwardness of being, um, you know,
Speaker 1: meeting for the first time. No brother. Like I'll tell
Speaker 1: you this, like when we first I mean met, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean, Like we met at this this
Speaker 1: place called the Garden Room in Atlanta. It's a nice
Speaker 1: little restaurant. It was like the day before lockdown happened. Man,
Speaker 1: like literally the day before and you know, I I
Speaker 1: she kind of like came up to me, wanted to
Speaker 1: take a picture or whatever. But then we started talking
Speaker 1: and like you know, I kind of I kind of
Speaker 1: throw a little like joke in there. She threw a
Speaker 1: little joke and me, and I'm like, oh, she can
Speaker 1: kind of like throw it back and forth, you know,
Speaker 1: because you know right away she's interested in this is
Speaker 1: like yeah, yeah, I knew. I knew. It was like
Speaker 1: an instant just like okay, like this banter that we
Speaker 1: had going back and forth, and like I was, you know,
Speaker 1: I got an number, and then you know, the you know,
Speaker 1: she disappeared the rest of the night. She went with
Speaker 1: her friends, and you know, she's originally from Cleveland, so
Speaker 1: all her friends that lived in Atlanta. She kind of
Speaker 1: disappeared with them and left, and I was with Cameron,
Speaker 1: my buddy from the show, and you know, I didn't
Speaker 1: even think about it until, like, you know, because the
Speaker 1: quarantine happened, and so it was all this kid like right,
Speaker 1: It's like we didn't all this uncertainty of you know,
Speaker 1: what's gonna happen. This virus is what, you know, whatever,
Speaker 1: So I'm not even thinking about like, okay, relationships, dating whatever,
Speaker 1: or even talking to someone. And then all of a sudden,
Speaker 1: like she messed you know, she kind of messaged me
Speaker 1: on Instagram and like you know, she was like, hey,
Speaker 1: you know something about still having her number, and then
Speaker 1: I did the same thing, and like we started talking
Speaker 1: right there. We like just that d M back and forth,
Speaker 1: and then I started texting her and it just built
Speaker 1: up until like this kind of okay. Then we started
Speaker 1: talking on the phone and then we started face timing.
Speaker 1: And one day she was just jokingly around, jokingly. I
Speaker 1: guess I thought she was joking, goes, I was like, hey,
Speaker 1: or I was joking. I go, hey, like, why don't
Speaker 1: you come down this week to Atlanta? Because she lives
Speaker 1: in Cleveland, and she goes, I'll be there this weekend,
Speaker 1: and I was like, whoa, Okay, maybe next week. I
Speaker 1: was like, are you serious? She was like yeah, no,
Speaker 1: I'm down. And I was like, let's try next week.
Speaker 1: So she's really one week. I pushed it one week
Speaker 1: because I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready, man, I was like,
Speaker 1: oh because it was like a Wednesday. It was like
Speaker 1: a Wednesday, which when we did that, and so I
Speaker 1: was just kind of like, uh crap, like like let's
Speaker 1: let's try next week just so I can like like
Speaker 1: get myself ready. I don't know, I don't know why
Speaker 1: I pushed it back. And plus things were still a
Speaker 1: little closed closed down down here that way, you know,
Speaker 1: when she finally came down, and so when you know,
Speaker 1: when she finally came down, things were finally opening up
Speaker 1: down south, but in Ohio they were still closed. And
Speaker 1: so she came down right, and I had never been
Speaker 1: so kind of nervous because like, mind you we've been
Speaker 1: like face timing and talking right and it's like emotional
Speaker 1: anticipation and like I'm like driving my car and I'm
Speaker 1: just all right here here we go, like you know,
Speaker 1: and I haven't did I haven't been like that since honestly,
Speaker 1: like maybe high school. I would say, like maybe college.
Speaker 1: Like the first couple of days, you go on a
Speaker 1: date with someone and like, dude, I'm cool as a cucumber.
Speaker 1: I go out, you know what I mean. If I'm
Speaker 1: out on the day, I love to ask the questions,
Speaker 1: get to know, you know, the girl, talk to them
Speaker 1: and you know, just know their story. And I was nervous,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, and my like I was
Speaker 1: just on the show. But it turns out she was
Speaker 1: just as nervous as I was. I really think that
Speaker 1: connection that we had from quarantine and talking and like
Speaker 1: you know, it was fast paced. It was right off
Speaker 1: the bat. It was just one day and boom, like
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. It was like somewhere in
Speaker 1: the middle of you know, May and something like that,
Speaker 1: and then boom, it just like popped up. And then
Speaker 1: she came down to visit, and man, it just you know,
Speaker 1: one thing led to another and now she's my girlfriend now,
Speaker 1: so that's amazing. It's crazy. We started going back and forth,
Speaker 1: so like once she visited Atlanta, I was like, this
Speaker 1: was amazing, and so let me go Like one Sunday
Speaker 1: she just booked me a ticket to go to Cleveland.
Speaker 1: She was like literally was just like, hey, like, you know,
Speaker 1: I want you to come up here, and I you know,
Speaker 1: I want you to you know, see where I live
Speaker 1: and meet my friends and stuff. And dude, I went
Speaker 1: up there and I was like, yeah, that's the person
Speaker 1: I want to talk to and it was there. I
Speaker 1: love this so inspiring for our community that that real
Speaker 1: personal can connection can come out of you know, digital connection.
Speaker 1: If people right now, um are talking to somebody through
Speaker 1: text or through d M s or something that that
Speaker 1: there is a light at the end of the tunnel,
Speaker 1: versus saying well it's just fun enough, but I'm never
Speaker 1: gonna meet them, Like you are a living example and
Speaker 1: inspiration for a community that yes, it can happen, and
Speaker 1: it can it can be amplified when you meet the person. Well, yeah,
Speaker 1: I agree with you a hundred tempers. Sorry, Like I
Speaker 1: just think, like putting yourself out there is so important
Speaker 1: and like just taking that chance, right, Like I never
Speaker 1: in my entire life thought I'd be in Cleveland, Ohio. Ever,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be honest with you, like it's a couple
Speaker 1: hours away from Chicago, but I'm never like, oh, like,
Speaker 1: you know, Cleveland, how nothing agains for the people of Cleveland.
Speaker 1: They're all amazing. I like, all people clean that I
Speaker 1: met have all been great. So it's just I never
Speaker 1: thought I'd be in Cleveland and who would have thought?
Speaker 1: Just me keep me like why not? And why not?
Speaker 1: And you know, and just doing that back and forth
Speaker 1: with someone that I didn't even know, but we communicated enough,
Speaker 1: got that can action, and then after we met in person,
Speaker 1: it just like kind of sealed the deal with you know.
Speaker 1: So what was your like just trying to dig into
Speaker 1: your mindset with this mark? What was your personal experience
Speaker 1: with that? Was it ever like what am I doing?
Speaker 1: I'm crazy I messaging this girl that's in Cleveland? Or
Speaker 1: was it or was it always just invested with your heart? Like, wow,
Speaker 1: I don't really care about the distance right now, I
Speaker 1: don't really care about the current conditions in the world
Speaker 1: with COVID. I'm invested in this person and what's gonna
Speaker 1: come of it will come of it. What was your
Speaker 1: personal journey mindset was a little bit of both, And
Speaker 1: I'll be honest, a little bit of like the first
Speaker 1: thing you said of you know, kind of like what
Speaker 1: am I doing, you know what I mean, But like,
Speaker 1: but in the at the same token, I was kind
Speaker 1: of following my gut, following my heart and like just
Speaker 1: really like and it sounds cheesy, right, Like, I'm, you know,
Speaker 1: the type of guy like I put a wall up. Man,
Speaker 1: I'm not, you know, I on the Don't get me wrong,
Speaker 1: I'm very I can be very vulnerable with people that
Speaker 1: I trust, but like I put a wall up, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean? And yeah, man, I just I'm
Speaker 1: not like an open book as my even I'm an
Speaker 1: extrovert and I love talking to people, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm still like I close off, you know,
Speaker 1: to the people like that I'll let in and like it.
Speaker 1: It allowed me to when I kept following my gut
Speaker 1: and following my heart with this situation, I just I
Speaker 1: did it, and I just said, you know what, why
Speaker 1: not screw it? And and and now I think it
Speaker 1: just gave me this opportunity to find somebody because of
Speaker 1: that mentality and like, I just trust yourself, man, I
Speaker 1: think that that was the big the big message for
Speaker 1: me was just trusting myself the entire time. Because, don't
Speaker 1: get me wrong, it's crazy to think like four days
Speaker 1: I spent in Cleveland turned into two weeks. You know.
Speaker 1: I went to Cleveland for four days the second time around,
Speaker 1: and it turned into a two week like stay cationed
Speaker 1: with her and like, you know, getting to know her
Speaker 1: family and friends and all this stuff. And I'm like,
Speaker 1: what in the world that's going on, you know, And
Speaker 1: I just trusted. I just I just went with I
Speaker 1: just went with the flow. And now, man, I couldn't
Speaker 1: be happier. Honestly, I'm so happy for you. I'm also
Speaker 1: happy that you you allowed yourself to go with that
Speaker 1: versus pull back from that. A lot of people back
Speaker 1: from that and be like this is crazy, they should
Speaker 1: be doing this, and that's actually a very limiting mindset,
Speaker 1: versus you actually embracing a little bit of chaos, a
Speaker 1: little bit like wow, this is unknown territory, but like
Speaker 1: I embrace it because I'm actually involved in this person.
Speaker 1: It's it's a credit to you, and I'm glad that
Speaker 1: you guys, um that you guys are thriving for it.
Speaker 1: And it's it's funny that you say that, Like, I
Speaker 1: think that vulnerability that I had in the beginning of
Speaker 1: like following my gut right has allowed me not like again,
Speaker 1: I I am emotionally invested. I am, you know, everything
Speaker 1: connected with this person. And it's allowed me to be
Speaker 1: a better communicator. It's allowed me to because I think
Speaker 1: when we go halfway in, it's like you know, putting
Speaker 1: your toes in the water just to see if it. Like, dude,
Speaker 1: you just gotta Sometimes you just gotta go and like jumping,
Speaker 1: because you're gonna miss an opportunity and things are gonna
Speaker 1: go by, and like the right person is gonna go by.
Speaker 1: Maybe you didn't talk to that person at the restaurant,
Speaker 1: or didn't at the bar wherever outing, or maybe we've
Speaker 1: all been we've all felt that kind of regret. I'm like, damn,
Speaker 1: I should have said something right. And this is the
Speaker 1: first time that I've in like I'm not I'm not
Speaker 1: going to have used in this water. I'm going I'm
Speaker 1: jumping in and I'm gonna see how this goes and
Speaker 1: if it, if it works out, I did it every
Speaker 1: I gave it everything I had, Just like in Sportsman.
Speaker 1: It's like if I go, I give it all I got.
Speaker 1: If it doesn't work out, I'm gonna learn something important
Speaker 1: from this, and in turn, I have grown exponentially, as
Speaker 1: a man, as a partner, just everything, because I I'm
Speaker 1: invested everything, you know what I mean, I'm invested. I
Speaker 1: love it when I hear you speak about that. I
Speaker 1: think of an analogy that I use in my life
Speaker 1: is two feet in. So if you step in and
Speaker 1: your two feet in, it's showing full presence, is showing
Speaker 1: I am here. And it can be in It can
Speaker 1: be in relationship, it could be a career, it could
Speaker 1: be in anything, friendships, it can be in whatever a
Speaker 1: project you're working, like you're just showing up. I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm showing up. I am here. And the beauty of
Speaker 1: that is that maybe it works out, maybe it doesn't,
Speaker 1: but you showed up fully versus living your life in
Speaker 1: the alternative, which is putting one foot in but keeping
Speaker 1: one foot out because I might want to pull out.
Speaker 1: I might want to like I'm not sure, this might
Speaker 1: be difficult, it might be hard, and you just give
Speaker 1: yourself that beautiful easy exit that is toxic to people's life.
Speaker 1: So many people relation, but they'll they'll keep options on
Speaker 1: the side, or they'll only open in a certain amount
Speaker 1: of their heart because like I just I just want
Speaker 1: to have an exit. I just want to protect myself.
Speaker 1: And you went two feet in and do you're living
Speaker 1: the happiness, you're living the rewards from it. So man,
Speaker 1: oh my god, dude, I couldn't have said it better. Honestly,
Speaker 1: everything you just said, it's like two feet in. That
Speaker 1: is like because I've been that. Man, I'm in the past,
Speaker 1: like you know what I mean, Like I've been that
Speaker 1: halfway like you said, like that, oh I got my
Speaker 1: exit strategy or oh let me you know, if this
Speaker 1: doesn't work out, then it's fine, I'll be okay like whatever,
Speaker 1: but like it's scary as hell. I'm gonna be honest
Speaker 1: with you, man, I'll be frank. It's like it is
Speaker 1: scary as hell to just kind of give yourself, like
Speaker 1: to give someone that your piece of your heart, especially
Speaker 1: vulnerable like that, right, and you know again, I put
Speaker 1: walls up. And I'm not like the type of guy
Speaker 1: that's like, oh my god, I'm emotional whatever. It's like, no,
Speaker 1: like this connection that I found at the beginning, like
Speaker 1: when when I first met her and it lasted, you
Speaker 1: know whatever, Like all that time and the anticipation until
Speaker 1: we finally met kind of gave me that like Okay,
Speaker 1: like this is this is gonna work, you know, I
Speaker 1: I feel it. It's real and even if it doesn't
Speaker 1: work out in in this relationship a long term, then
Speaker 1: like I committed to it, and that to me is
Speaker 1: like the world's biggest lesson. You know. Yeah, Um, Mark,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna ask you because I've been through this as well.
Speaker 1: I've been two feet in and I just want to
Speaker 1: see if our journeys were parallel. Um, Stepping two feet
Speaker 1: in didn't mean that I didn't have any hesitation, didn't
Speaker 1: mean that I that I wasn't guarded at all and
Speaker 1: opened everything up. I was still like an onion that
Speaker 1: had like you had to peel and it had to
Speaker 1: get in. It wasn't just oh, two feet in and
Speaker 1: my heart is wide, wide open um. But what it
Speaker 1: was was it was two feet in saying I'm committed,
Speaker 1: I'm here, I take my step ups forward. Um, I'm
Speaker 1: also scared. I'm also unsure and uncomfortable because I've never
Speaker 1: been here before. But I know that this is right
Speaker 1: for me and whatever comes from this will come. But please,
Speaker 1: you know you hope you have a partner that respects that,
Speaker 1: and we'll handle you somewhat gently at your pace. Some
Speaker 1: people are better at opening up right away. Other people,
Speaker 1: like you said, you have guards up, like you can
Speaker 1: take your step forward with two feet and be present
Speaker 1: committed into this relationship, but also be like yeah, and
Speaker 1: I'm still working to try and fully open up and
Speaker 1: fully get there with you. But like I'm here, so
Speaker 1: just please, you know, please help me along the way. Dude.
Speaker 1: That's exactly like ten percent. It's not like just because
Speaker 1: I'm two feet in committed doesn't mean that I'm not like,
Speaker 1: oh like wow, and you know again, if you don't
Speaker 1: cuss on this program, I'm sorry. I'm just like but
Speaker 1: like it's just it's it's just trans to be transparent. Man.
Speaker 1: It is scary as hell because you're just you're not
Speaker 1: used to It's not that you're not used to it,
Speaker 1: it's just it's that ultimate vulnerability, right, and for that,
Speaker 1: but think about it for that other person, right, just
Speaker 1: as much as I want them to be patient with
Speaker 1: me and this journey, it's like you almost have to
Speaker 1: think about like like it's like that's saying like their
Speaker 1: love languages, right, what how do they how do they love?
Speaker 1: How do you love it? And how do they love?
Speaker 1: And you're you're literally taking into consideration another person person's
Speaker 1: pace as well. Like it's it's not just you. It's
Speaker 1: like when you're two feet in, I feel like that's
Speaker 1: when you're the most present. And when you have someone
Speaker 1: else that's two feet in, it's just like it's a
Speaker 1: revolving door. Man, it just goes. It keeps going and
Speaker 1: keeps going and keeps going. And like it's scary though,
Speaker 1: because you don't want it to stop, you know, and
Speaker 1: you know, I'm just being honest with you, just being honest.
Speaker 1: It's it's it's a scary thing. But I think that
Speaker 1: that's what the ultimate courage is to jump in and
Speaker 1: take that step, because if you don't take that shot,
Speaker 1: you could be missing out on the world's best relationship
Speaker 1: or best experience even if it doesn't work out. So
Speaker 1: well said, so Well said, There's another way to say
Speaker 1: it is like burn the boats, like get on the
Speaker 1: island and burn the owns. Like when you build in
Speaker 1: an exit, when you build in a plan, be in
Speaker 1: an exit. Um, I just believe you're gonna find a
Speaker 1: way to it. Because life is hard, man, relationships aren't hard.
Speaker 1: You will be challenged, things will go wrong, and if
Speaker 1: you have that built in. It's why I like, my
Speaker 1: dad is like, what are you gonna do if you
Speaker 1: don't make the NHL and become a hockey player. I'm like, Dad,
Speaker 1: there is no other option. I'm gonna make it like
Speaker 1: that's because the only thing I see, you know, it's
Speaker 1: the only thing I see. And so even with the relationship,
Speaker 1: maybe heartbreak does come in your In your case, you're happy,
Speaker 1: and I hope that for and I pray for that
Speaker 1: for everybody that they're happy. But maybe heartbreak does come,
Speaker 1: or it doesn't work out. You at least know at
Speaker 1: the end of the day, you step forward, You were there,
Speaker 1: You gave it a chance. The universe isn't perfect. Not
Speaker 1: everything is gonna work out. You're gonna have some trials
Speaker 1: before you have your victories, you know, But you stepped forward.
Speaker 1: And I want to encourage our community, our listeners, take
Speaker 1: your steps forward, show up, give your true authentic self
Speaker 1: and from that the best growth. Like you said, happiness,
Speaker 1: it's the only way you're ever gonna fully find the
Speaker 1: happiness that we're all searching for. The happiness is right
Speaker 1: on the other side of that fear, you know. But
Speaker 1: I commend you man for doing that, for opening your
Speaker 1: heart and stepping and saying I'm scared. I'm damn, I'm scared.
Speaker 1: Like if you look, I'm a duck fluttering my feet
Speaker 1: under the walker there. I might look calm, but like
Speaker 1: this is a learning process for me too. But I
Speaker 1: just said it perfect. You said it perfect, And I
Speaker 1: think like another thing too, for the for the community, man.
Speaker 1: And this is just like that touching thought is like
Speaker 1: there's no such thing as that like notebook smoothie style relationship. Man.
Speaker 1: It's not that's like the these relationships that have like
Speaker 1: one problem and then they solve it and then everything
Speaker 1: is good at that one moment. It's like it's you
Speaker 1: think about how two people you grow up two different ways, man,
Speaker 1: and it's like you have to understand that when you
Speaker 1: meet that person, it's not just the The journey doesn't
Speaker 1: stop when you meet them and then they're your boyfriend
Speaker 1: or girlfriend. It doesn't stop there. That's it's just getting started.
Speaker 1: Because now you're just like, oh wow, like you're raised
Speaker 1: this way. I was raised this way. But as long
Speaker 1: as we got to say principles, we're gonna make it
Speaker 1: work this way. Oh you like celebrating Thanksgiving, I like
Speaker 1: to and and it's just little things that like, but
Speaker 1: then you fall in love with those little things, right
Speaker 1: you see those the way they act, the way they communicate,
Speaker 1: and like then you start to kind of like work
Speaker 1: together and like it's not this fairy tale story book,
Speaker 1: but the trials, like you're saying, the hardships are what
Speaker 1: makes it kind of beautiful, if that makes sense, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean. Like it's it's like people are
Speaker 1: too scared for the hardships. They want the fairy tale.
Speaker 1: And my point, you know what I mean, they want
Speaker 1: that fairy tale. Happy happy happy happy Happy is an
Speaker 1: emotion you gotta understand. It's like you gotta understand like
Speaker 1: when you go through life, life is tough and if
Speaker 1: you've got another person there that's got your back and
Speaker 1: you guys are gonna get through these hard times. And like, dude,
Speaker 1: that's why not take that leap of faith? You know,
Speaker 1: but just having that perspective of like, relationships aren't easy,
Speaker 1: but they're they're like a good challenge, you know that,
Speaker 1: then it's easier to take that next step forward because
Speaker 1: no matter what, you're gonna win, like learn something. So
Speaker 1: why do you think people aren't able to do that,
Speaker 1: just in your opinion, Why were you able to and
Speaker 1: why why do some people? Because I had a friend
Speaker 1: yesterday I was talking to. I provided an amazing solution
Speaker 1: and he provided a problem with it. I provided another solution.
Speaker 1: He's three hours away from here, has to get here
Speaker 1: in two days. I was like, rent a car. He's like, no,
Speaker 1: I don't want to do that. I was like, take
Speaker 1: the bus. He's like, I don't think I guys should
Speaker 1: do that either. I was like you could fly. He's like, well,
Speaker 1: I don't know about airports. And I was like, how many?
Speaker 1: How many solutions do I need to provide that You're
Speaker 1: just gonna find a problem for dude, I think I
Speaker 1: think what it is. And like I said, like I said,
Speaker 1: like I said in the beginning, I like, I've been
Speaker 1: that one ft in one foot out right, we've what
Speaker 1: we've been there, I think when you know I've I've
Speaker 1: faced certain challenges in my life. You face challenges in
Speaker 1: your life, right, and like you know, even being a
Speaker 1: professional hockey player, man, the pressure of the scrutiny, the
Speaker 1: things that you've had to endure, Like I've had my
Speaker 1: own rock bottom and like I've pulled myself out of it.
Speaker 1: And I think a lot of folks are running from
Speaker 1: their past and running from things that mistakes that they've
Speaker 1: made or sayings that their family has made, and they
Speaker 1: don't want to end up like something that they don't like.
Speaker 1: It's like that public ridicule right there. It's like they're
Speaker 1: worried about what everyone else is thinking. In my opinion,
Speaker 1: I think that folks are scared to take the next
Speaker 1: step because they haven't either forgiven a past mistake or
Speaker 1: they don't want to end up looking like someone that
Speaker 1: it was like the talk of the family, right, We
Speaker 1: all have have those family members that like, Wow, I
Speaker 1: can't believe Joe married that person and like oh my god,
Speaker 1: like oh, like can you believe that? Like wow, they
Speaker 1: just up and like, you know, like if you care
Speaker 1: too much about public opinions and if you keep living
Speaker 1: in your past, like I think that you're always going
Speaker 1: to be scared to take that next leap because the
Speaker 1: past is comfortable, it's what you know, and you don't know.
Speaker 1: No one knows what a new relationship is gonna be.
Speaker 1: You don't know, like, yeah, you have the possibility of
Speaker 1: getting your heartbroken, You have the possible possibility of like
Speaker 1: you meet their family, you get in you know, you
Speaker 1: get in deep with them, and you you almost like
Speaker 1: connected with them, and then all of a sudden doesn't
Speaker 1: work out. But at the end of the day, who
Speaker 1: are you after that? You know, like who who are
Speaker 1: you after your rock bottoms? Who am I after my
Speaker 1: rock bottoms? Right to to this point now, it's like
Speaker 1: I think people are scared to make that next step,
Speaker 1: but it's like that's where the ultimate freedom is, and
Speaker 1: that's where the ultimate growth is, like the person you
Speaker 1: become after that rock bottom man, Like, even if it
Speaker 1: doesn't work out, it's like, you're better than who I
Speaker 1: was three years ago. I would personally me, I would
Speaker 1: slap myself like through who I was three years ago,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, like like three years ago,
Speaker 1: like you could even five years ago, six, Like it
Speaker 1: doesn't matter. It's like, but I'm where I'm supposed to be.
Speaker 1: So I know that I have that ultimate confidence now
Speaker 1: that because I've forgiven myself for my mistakes and I
Speaker 1: don't care what other people think about me in terms
Speaker 1: of like my family or whatever. I care what my
Speaker 1: parents think, but in terms of like everybody else and
Speaker 1: stuff like that. I'm like, I got myself to make proud.
Speaker 1: So if I messed up in a relationship or something
Speaker 1: like that, the only thing that's gonna happen I'm I'm
Speaker 1: not I'm not gonna cheat on them. I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: do dumb stuff like whatever. It's like, I'm gonna be
Speaker 1: honest and as long as I gave it, I'm not
Speaker 1: going to regret it, you know, and then I'm going
Speaker 1: to be a better person after that. So what do
Speaker 1: I got to lose at that point? And when you
Speaker 1: have that mindset and when you are kind of like
Speaker 1: happy for the challenges, you're like, oh, this is an
Speaker 1: opportunity for us to grow together. And it's okay if
Speaker 1: they don't want to. But like, I think that's what
Speaker 1: people are scared of, is so like step away from
Speaker 1: what then like what they're comfortable with, Yeah, very much.
Speaker 1: And so it's a limiting It's it's a limiting characteristic
Speaker 1: or belief mindset in their life, and so the results
Speaker 1: will only be so much or they'll look at it
Speaker 1: with the confused the rest of their life. I can
Speaker 1: never got what they wanted in life. It does take
Speaker 1: I'll say this in total, total transparency and honestly for
Speaker 1: the community. It takes courage. Sometimes you just need to go.
Speaker 1: You have to step forward, you have to commit, you
Speaker 1: have to open yourself up. It takes courage and the
Speaker 1: community will know when those moments common just have courage
Speaker 1: in them. Rather. I love your story. I hope it's
Speaker 1: an inspiration for our community. It for sure it is
Speaker 1: somebody that found the connection and partnerships during COVID amazing,
Speaker 1: Uh Mark, where can I find you? Where can they
Speaker 1: get this daily dose of inspiration? Brother? So I'm on Instagram, Twitter.
Speaker 1: I am also on YouTube now. I got a YouTube
Speaker 1: channel like building Up. So that's everything. Is my full name,
Speaker 1: Mark Anthony Quavis. I know my mom wanted me to
Speaker 1: be almost like the singer I guess, but Mark Anthony
Speaker 1: Quavis with an underscore YouTube just tide to my full name.
Speaker 1: And yeah, that's kind of like where I live off
Speaker 1: right now is just my personal training. I do fitness,
Speaker 1: just my life and yeah, there's everything. That's where I'm at, man,
Speaker 1: And you're training for a fight, right training for a
Speaker 1: fight next year one when everything starts stay tuned. I'm
Speaker 1: you know I've been training everyonere actually trained this morning too,
Speaker 1: so trained this morning. Man. It's it's it's so just
Speaker 1: like I I fought last year, I won my first fight,
Speaker 1: and now I'm ready to like, Okay, now let's like
Speaker 1: step it up the competition and go back into it.
Speaker 1: And now I'm ready to like trying hardcore right now.
Speaker 1: It's like we're still in those parameters, like still taking
Speaker 1: it like you three times a week or whatever. But
Speaker 1: like once that trainee camp starts, man, it's tigned to go.
Speaker 1: It's signed to go. I can't wait to tune in.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be just I was just like, let's go, brother.
Speaker 1: I appreciate you, appreciate your inspiration. Thank you so much.
Speaker 1: You've given our You've given our community hope in a
Speaker 1: time where so many people are lacking it. So I'm
Speaker 1: happy for you, buddy. Send my best to your lovely
Speaker 1: gal um and we'd love to have you back on here.
Speaker 1: Let's connect again, bro. I love to man, appreciate it
Speaker 1: seriously and the opportunity to be on man, and it's
Speaker 1: just stay safe, stay blessed. Thanks Mark. Okay, we'll be
Speaker 1: right back after this break with another special guest that's
Speaker 1: gonna elaborate a little bit more on this. Thanks Mark
Speaker 1: be Well, but back from the break, Mark was awesome.
Speaker 1: Mark vis was awesome. I hope that that inspires our
Speaker 1: community that you can find connection, you can find partnership
Speaker 1: in this really unique time of COVID. And now we
Speaker 1: have another super special guest that's going to give us
Speaker 1: some more insight on this topic plus much more. We
Speaker 1: have an amazing, amazing lady. Her name is Dr Wendy Walsh,
Speaker 1: and she She's an award winning television journalist. She's a
Speaker 1: current radio host and podcaster new to the podcast game
Speaker 1: at kf I A M six forty heart, I heart media.
Speaker 1: She's the author of three books, uh and thousands and
Speaker 1: thousands of print and digital articles. And this is my
Speaker 1: favorite thing. She was a Person of the Year of
Speaker 1: Time magazine in seventeen. That is so cool. Um. She
Speaker 1: teaches in the psychology department at California State University. Welcome
Speaker 1: to the show, um, Dr Wendy Walsh. I'm happy to
Speaker 1: be here. Canadian, my fellow Canadian, my buddy. I always
Speaker 1: say that when I meet Canadians, I'm like, my buddy.
Speaker 1: I just feel like, yeah, I feel like I want
Speaker 1: to serve you some Putine A. Yeah, you're from Adi,
Speaker 1: starn't you. That's right? I miss what here's a quick question.
Speaker 1: We'll get to everything on the talk about. But what
Speaker 1: do you miss most about Canada? Um? Because you live
Speaker 1: in the US now, yes, I've I've lived half my
Speaker 1: life there and half my life here, and I have
Speaker 1: dual citizenship, and so I really feel both things. Um,
Speaker 1: I would say collectivism. And it's sort of ironic that,
Speaker 1: you know, because most Canadians believe that what is good
Speaker 1: for the masses is good for the individual, and most
Speaker 1: Americans believe what is good for the individual is ultimately
Speaker 1: good for the masses. And I left because of the
Speaker 1: collectivism because I was such an individual and I didn't
Speaker 1: like how repressive it felt. But then what I got
Speaker 1: into the business of motherhood and raising children, I was like, uh,
Speaker 1: Canadians are more supportive of families. In America. You feel
Speaker 1: really on your own, And so I do miss it.
Speaker 1: I mean, we don't call us socialists by any means.
Speaker 1: We're definitely capitalists in Canada. But it's see, there's are
Speaker 1: more social programs to support people. It's it's amazing what
Speaker 1: you just said, because I'm actually studying it. In my life.
Speaker 1: I'm actually reading a book on it. Um, group flow,
Speaker 1: group flow versus the individual flow. Individual flow is really easy.
Speaker 1: What am I doing? What are my needs? How can
Speaker 1: I this is what I need at my time, my schedule,
Speaker 1: my right. That's individual flow. But group flow is organizing
Speaker 1: power of multiple and so like on a team, That's
Speaker 1: why I love team sports. We really nailed group flow. Um.
Speaker 1: You needed to come together and have chemistry to to
Speaker 1: execute on the ice together as a hockey player, as
Speaker 1: a team. Um. But then also you had to get
Speaker 1: to the bus at the same time, the plane at
Speaker 1: the same time, the hotel, the team dinner, and if
Speaker 1: one person was off, the whole group flow was thrown off.
Speaker 1: And so it's I've been thinking and this book that
Speaker 1: I'm reading touches on group flow through a digital world,
Speaker 1: which is fascinating, Yeah, which is what we're now really
Speaker 1: living in, especially during COVID. So I kind of want
Speaker 1: to touch on that. Like we just chat with Mark
Speaker 1: about marks a success story during COVID, how he found
Speaker 1: connection and partnership during COVID through the digital world through
Speaker 1: some texting, some messaging, eventually phone calls and FaceTime. Um,
Speaker 1: I just want to get your insight onto that based
Speaker 1: on your experience, Like, is it possible for people? Mark
Speaker 1: has proven it to be true. But for the masses
Speaker 1: who are struggling right now, maybe feeling alone or lonely
Speaker 1: or hopeless, can they find connection during this time? Can
Speaker 1: they find a group flow while disconnected from their friends
Speaker 1: or people? Yeah? And I mean you can think brooks
Speaker 1: of a relationship as the ultimate group right. And we're constantly,
Speaker 1: even in our most intimate romantic relationships, in a struggle
Speaker 1: between preserving our autonomy and joining the union because brains
Speaker 1: can accomplish way more than any single brain can accomplish alone.
Speaker 1: And so but the thing that COVID has done, it's
Speaker 1: a gift to many relationships because it's such a make
Speaker 1: or break time. We have to think about that. You know,
Speaker 1: during the history of human evolution, life was such a
Speaker 1: struggle and we needed I mean sometimes people will say
Speaker 1: that gender roles evolved because we needed somebody to have
Speaker 1: sort of an area of expertise and the other person
Speaker 1: in area of expertise, and together they created these offspring
Speaker 1: that grew, etcetera. I'm not a proponent of traditional gender
Speaker 1: roles necessarily, but now we got to a place where,
Speaker 1: you know, women didn't need relationships necessarily economically. Uh, we
Speaker 1: were all so healthy and living so long. People were
Speaker 1: exchanging partners all the time because it just felt okay.
Speaker 1: And all of a sudden we hit our first of
Speaker 1: our generation, a first big life crisis, and then people
Speaker 1: are looking their current partner and going, WHOA is this
Speaker 1: the person I want to be within a crisis or
Speaker 1: if they're single, they're like, no, no, I need to
Speaker 1: look for a specific kind of partner now, someone who's
Speaker 1: really got my back, who could help me in this crisis.
Speaker 1: So it's up, it's up the value of a relationship.
Speaker 1: What do you think, um, Because most people, most people,
Speaker 1: when they think of a relationship, they think of like,
Speaker 1: how is my life better? They think of the good times? Right,
Speaker 1: The most common thought in a relationship is like, Wow,
Speaker 1: the good times are so good. This person is so fun.
Speaker 1: I love them, They're so kind, gentle hearted. My family
Speaker 1: loves them, we love to travel, we love dogs. Whatever
Speaker 1: they think of the good times. Do you think that
Speaker 1: COVID has really made people reassess like the strength or
Speaker 1: lack thereof of their partner in the bad times and
Speaker 1: how important that might be as well, because we say
Speaker 1: them in our vows when you get married through sickness
Speaker 1: and health, good and bad, you know, but it's kind
Speaker 1: of the bad is kind of overlooked. We've all like
Speaker 1: the good things actally. And of course you're you know,
Speaker 1: brilliant question, and you're speaking from the mouth of a
Speaker 1: thirty seven year old, healthy, alpha male. So, of course,
Speaker 1: relationships about pleasure seeking. What's the good here, right? But
Speaker 1: life is a little bit about survival and struggle. We
Speaker 1: just haven't been faced with a lot of survival struggles
Speaker 1: yet in this generation. So yeah, that's exactly what it is.
Speaker 1: It's looking at your partner. I mean, a relationship is
Speaker 1: an exchange of care, and a care can take so
Speaker 1: many forms. It can be financial care, it can be
Speaker 1: sexual care. It can be domestic responsibility care. It can
Speaker 1: be emotional support care. It can be physical supportive someone sick.
Speaker 1: It can be intellectual stimulation care. And if you look
Speaker 1: at a relationship from the outside, it may not look
Speaker 1: fair to you, but from the inside, those partners believe
Speaker 1: it's a fair exchange. Wow, amazing, Um, what advice would
Speaker 1: you have for our community right now that's struggling to
Speaker 1: find connection, you know, because so many people want people
Speaker 1: are disconnected from their friends and co workers, which most
Speaker 1: of us love. You know, maybe don't like our coworkers.
Speaker 1: I don't know, but I love mine, everybody part of
Speaker 1: this I heart radio team. I love you all. But
Speaker 1: further to that, even what about people that are like
Speaker 1: struggling to find romantic connection, intimate connection? You know, what
Speaker 1: advice would you have for those people? I love that
Speaker 1: we shared Mark story. He's an inspiration to our community.
Speaker 1: But you know, you host a podcast called Mating Matters,
Speaker 1: which deals with connection. Um, what advice would you have
Speaker 1: for our community struggling to find that right now? Well,
Speaker 1: Making Matters is all about evolutionary psychology and what our
Speaker 1: brains have evolved to be and what we're facing in
Speaker 1: our current environment, like, for instance, dating apps. So dating
Speaker 1: apps are both a blessing and a terrible curse. The
Speaker 1: blessing is that from the comfort of your own home,
Speaker 1: you don't even have to get dressed up. You can
Speaker 1: just swipe through and find so many potential mates. That's
Speaker 1: the good side. The downside of dating apps is that
Speaker 1: they bio hack your brain. Right. They take advantage of
Speaker 1: something called a paradox of choice. So the more choice
Speaker 1: humans are given, the less likely they are to make
Speaker 1: a choice, and when they do make a choice, they're
Speaker 1: less likely to value that choice. So what you have
Speaker 1: to do is and remember, apps are not in the
Speaker 1: business of getting you to leave the app and find
Speaker 1: a mate. Apps are in the business of getting you
Speaker 1: addicted to the apps. So it's really important that you
Speaker 1: fight the bio hacking by limiting how many people you're
Speaker 1: texting and talking to and to get them off the
Speaker 1: app as soon as possible, to call them and use
Speaker 1: other ways to get information talking uh, face time, using
Speaker 1: you know, looking at body language and everything. Um and
Speaker 1: and also I want to say one other thing is
Speaker 1: that you know, in the early stages of getting to
Speaker 1: know somebody, it's really easy to say what I call
Speaker 1: on the surface, and you know, I want to one
Speaker 1: or two chats. You do want to stay there, You
Speaker 1: don't want to go right to the beginning, going So,
Speaker 1: how is your relationship with your mom there? Yeah, you
Speaker 1: don't a skirt there, but um yeah, I would talk.
Speaker 1: I would talk pleasantly about it. Maybe that's why they
Speaker 1: don't call me back. I just figured that out. So anyway,
Speaker 1: you want to stay light and surfacing for a little bit,
Speaker 1: but then quickly you want to be your authentic self.
Speaker 1: So rather than just talking about music and movies and
Speaker 1: sports and you know, do you like the same color food,
Speaker 1: why don't you talk about you know, what a relationship
Speaker 1: means to you, what your deepest fears are, what um
Speaker 1: you know, what you think you're really good at it
Speaker 1: and you're proud of accomplishing, And what things you'd like
Speaker 1: to improve on as a human being, what areas you
Speaker 1: want to grow? And you start in those places. I
Speaker 1: don't know if you've ever done that. New York Times
Speaker 1: devised thirty six questions to fall in love. Oh I
Speaker 1: have not, but we have to do it. I want
Speaker 1: to do it. There's an app as well. So it's
Speaker 1: the fascinating because if you it takes about ninety minutes
Speaker 1: to go through. But if you do it, you will
Speaker 1: have feelings of love for that person. Now, I want
Speaker 1: to explain that the feelings of love that you're going
Speaker 1: to have are actually feelings of intimacy, and especially for
Speaker 1: men who have so many men have been acculturated not
Speaker 1: to get in touch with their feelings or share feelings
Speaker 1: with other people. Um, when they have that moment where
Speaker 1: they start expressing feelings, they're like, oh, it must be love,
Speaker 1: right because it's it's thirty six questions designed that start
Speaker 1: light and then get deeper and deeper. And I've seen
Speaker 1: videotapes of couples that have never set eyes on. At
Speaker 1: the end of ninety minutes, they interview them separately and
Speaker 1: say how do you feel? And they's a really into her.
Speaker 1: It just makes you get to the real core of
Speaker 1: the person. Really interesting. Um, that's I definitely want to
Speaker 1: at that test or look at that. Um. So for
Speaker 1: people that are on dating apps and touched on it
Speaker 1: at one point, you touched on it, I thought was great. Um,
Speaker 1: limit the amount that you are talking to and how
Speaker 1: choice will lead to lack of choice. Really, the abundance
Speaker 1: of choice will lead to you having a lack of choice.
Speaker 1: How many people would you recommend that somebody? If somebody
Speaker 1: is messaging multiple people right now but striving for that
Speaker 1: deeper connection, Um, how do you recommend they go about that?
Speaker 1: How many people should they talk to you you? Just one? Yeah,
Speaker 1: you're not gonna like my news. You might be texting
Speaker 1: two or three or four. But once you get one
Speaker 1: on the phone, you know, do a human being a
Speaker 1: solid and just don't look at the app for a
Speaker 1: little while, like even a few days, Like just focus
Speaker 1: on one human at least for you know, we're not
Speaker 1: talking about getting married or saying this person is my
Speaker 1: significant other. We're talking about just allowing them to occupy
Speaker 1: the headspace instead of the static in your brain of
Speaker 1: comparing three people who wants to be compared anyway, right,
Speaker 1: and so just as respect uh. And then when you know,
Speaker 1: and it may be that it never advances from phone
Speaker 1: call to zoom, or it does, and then from zoom
Speaker 1: it might be a socially distanced outdoor date or a
Speaker 1: walk or something um. And then maybe even at the
Speaker 1: end of that, you might say, you know, it's been
Speaker 1: great getting to know you. You might be a good
Speaker 1: you know, business contact, or I might have a friend
Speaker 1: I could fix you up with. I don't think romances
Speaker 1: in the cards for us. But you know, nothing about
Speaker 1: like being respectful to somebody. I'm not a big fan
Speaker 1: of the ghosting. Now, ghosting when you're just texting makes sense,
Speaker 1: but if you've actually met someone and talked on the phone,
Speaker 1: to ghost them is like such a whimpy move. Really.
Speaker 1: We've had many conversations about that. Many of the questions
Speaker 1: we get from our listeners are why do men goes
Speaker 1: women goes to? Well, for sure, but a lot of
Speaker 1: a lot more. We've had a lot more female messaging
Speaker 1: about men doing it um and men definitely guilty of
Speaker 1: doing it. I'm not saying women aren't. Well, I'll tell
Speaker 1: you the main reason, right so men. It's politically incorrect
Speaker 1: to say, but it's the absolute scientific truth. Men want
Speaker 1: more sex than women, and men want more partners than
Speaker 1: most women. So if they say to a woman, hey,
Speaker 1: I'm not really into you, you you should just go away,
Speaker 1: they're cutting off a potential sexual opportunity. What if they
Speaker 1: have a dry spell, they can circle back to that
Speaker 1: girl and go, oh, I'm so sorry. We must have
Speaker 1: a technical problem on three G. Exactly what are you
Speaker 1: seeing as opportunities right now that weren't maybe so prominent
Speaker 1: or present with COVID, Like I look at the world
Speaker 1: like everything is an opportunity, right So from COVID, new
Speaker 1: businesses are going to come up when other businesses are
Speaker 1: gonna shot a new new things are going to come
Speaker 1: from this um. New opportunities are being birthed right now
Speaker 1: during this unique time where people think this is a
Speaker 1: time of lacking you know, like, what what opportunities do
Speaker 1: you foresee in the dating world that people are maybe
Speaker 1: overlooking or not seeing right now. You know, It's just
Speaker 1: another stress or in the environment, and we grow with
Speaker 1: all stressors. We are. The reason why we're the animal
Speaker 1: that took over the planet is because we have this
Speaker 1: ability to adapt to different kind of environmental challenges. Trust me,
Speaker 1: we're not the top of the food chain. Lions and
Speaker 1: sharks are, right, but we still manage to control even them. So, um,
Speaker 1: what I think this is an opportunity for many people
Speaker 1: to do is to slow down the early stages of
Speaker 1: a relationship and build a little bit of emotional intimacy
Speaker 1: before they jump into bed. You know, because we've entered
Speaker 1: this no rules relationship revolution, which in some always is great,
Speaker 1: it's really great. It's that you're not under this pressure
Speaker 1: to have a definition of a relationship too early, and
Speaker 1: you can sleep up with whoever you want and and
Speaker 1: and experiments sexually with all kinds of things. That's all great,
Speaker 1: but that doesn't lead you to that one on one
Speaker 1: trust and emotional support. So being forced to stay distant
Speaker 1: forces you to use other skills and to talk about
Speaker 1: things like the F word, feelings and really really connect
Speaker 1: with someone. So I think it's a I think it's
Speaker 1: for many people a blessing in disguise. Yeah, that's what
Speaker 1: Mark was saying earlier. He said that COVID and the
Speaker 1: inability to be in proximity to the person lead to
Speaker 1: just a lot of conversation, a lot of discussion, and
Speaker 1: the emotional occupying of space in the other person's world
Speaker 1: and in your world versus physically being in the space
Speaker 1: and having that actually confused things or speed things up
Speaker 1: too fast and get too far ahead of ourselves because
Speaker 1: you're physically you you might go too fast and you're
Speaker 1: really attracting each other. And he said they him and
Speaker 1: his girlfriend now girlfriend, really bonded emotionally and that space
Speaker 1: in each other's lives grew emotionally through the digital connection.
Speaker 1: That then when they met boom, it was just fireworks
Speaker 1: when they met. And maybe if it happened differently, maybe
Speaker 1: they might have like together. Maybe in real life it
Speaker 1: might have fallen apart some way. Maybe they wouldn't have
Speaker 1: built that solid foundation of connection and appreciation and discovery
Speaker 1: of somebody to allow the physical devent follow it. I
Speaker 1: have this theory actually that the brain can't tolerate a
Speaker 1: double whammy of physical intimacy and emotional intimacy at the
Speaker 1: same time. It's just too embarrassing. So people that head
Speaker 1: right into bed um all of a sudden sort of
Speaker 1: shut down emotionally, like the emotional growth in the relationship
Speaker 1: stops at that point because they're trying to be cool.
Speaker 1: And if they're exposing themselves in so many vulnerable physical
Speaker 1: ways that it would be just way too much to
Speaker 1: expose your heart at the same time. So it often
Speaker 1: starting with the physical. While it's a whole lot of fun,
Speaker 1: it can be a trick too, because of course it
Speaker 1: produces that cocktail of neuro hormones called lust that makes
Speaker 1: you feel feelings of love. But you're like, I just
Speaker 1: met this person, so how can it be right. One
Speaker 1: of my favorite theories of love is by Dr Robert
Speaker 1: Sternberg at Stanford and he or Davis, I think said
Speaker 1: you see Davis. He does a triangular triangular theory of love.
Speaker 1: He studied a lot on intelligence too, and he believes
Speaker 1: that love has three prongs. One is passion, which is
Speaker 1: that lust we talked about. Other is commitment, and that's
Speaker 1: where your brain does a cost benefit analysis and goes, Okay,
Speaker 1: so the sex hormones have died down, but our families
Speaker 1: like each other and she's nice to my dog, and
Speaker 1: they seem like good people, and Okay, I'm gonna make
Speaker 1: this commitment intellectually. And the other is emotional intimacy. And
Speaker 1: so relationships can have one, two, or three of these prongs. Right.
Speaker 1: We all like to imagine that we're going to have
Speaker 1: great sexual passion, a good commitment and trust and loyalty,
Speaker 1: and that we're going to have emotional intimacy, but that
Speaker 1: doesn't always happen. You might have commitment and passion and
Speaker 1: that's called a quickie Las Vegas wedding right after you met, Right,
Speaker 1: you're so into each other that you rush to make
Speaker 1: that commitment. You might have intimacy and passion but no commitment.
Speaker 1: And these might be people who are having an affair.
Speaker 1: Maybe they have another primary partner, so they have deep
Speaker 1: emotional intimacy. Uh. You know, she's talking about the problems
Speaker 1: with her husband. He's talking about the problems with his wife.
Speaker 1: They really are and they have great sex, but there's
Speaker 1: no commitment there, or you might have uh commitment and
Speaker 1: emotional intimacy without the passion, and you would call that
Speaker 1: mature companion and love like a wonderful set of grandparents
Speaker 1: who are like, you know, the sex things done for us,
Speaker 1: but we have all kinds of reasons to stay connected. Wow,
Speaker 1: that's one. I've never heard that before. That's wonderful. And
Speaker 1: I bet everybody is sitting there like me, just like
Speaker 1: analyzing a relationship being like, oh, what was present? What
Speaker 1: wasn't present when this? Um? So, would you recommend that
Speaker 1: couple of couples then would take that and and individually
Speaker 1: just explore what they feel is because I think if
Speaker 1: you ask both people in the relationship they might you
Speaker 1: might get a different answer. Well, I think we have this,
Speaker 1: and I think we have this. Does that ever happen?
Speaker 1: And you would advise couples to like take those three
Speaker 1: things those passion, emotional emotional intimacy and commitment and commitment
Speaker 1: and I'm sure, like you said, you're going to be
Speaker 1: strong at two, but maybe have to work on the third.
Speaker 1: And just like you said, some of the conflict in
Speaker 1: relationships come because one person is giving two of those
Speaker 1: things and the other person is giving to other ones
Speaker 1: in other words, So like, let's use the example of
Speaker 1: a guy who's really in love with a woman and
Speaker 1: he's sharing his heart, he's giving a lot of emotional intimacy.
Speaker 1: They're having rocking sex, but for whatever reason, maybe her
Speaker 1: own attachment style, she's not about to make him a
Speaker 1: public boyfriend, okay, and so she's not making that commitment.
Speaker 1: So he's stuck in this place of longing and hope, right,
Speaker 1: And at the same time, she's feeling kind of giving
Speaker 1: too much intimacy. Besides that triangle that I talked about,
Speaker 1: the other thing that's really important for couples to learn
Speaker 1: is each individual's attached and style. Right. Some people can
Speaker 1: tolerate a lot of emotional intimacy, and some people can't,
Speaker 1: Like they run from it, and they can get physically intimate,
Speaker 1: but it's just too much. They were either brought up
Speaker 1: in a family of origin that didn't talk about feelings,
Speaker 1: or as a young baby when their brain was tripling
Speaker 1: in size, their needs were not met by their caregiver.
Speaker 1: So their deep belief system is my needs can't be met,
Speaker 1: so I'm independent. I will make sure I'm not counting
Speaker 1: on you. And make I'm not dependent on you. So
Speaker 1: some of the biggest problems, and this is a really
Speaker 1: common couple is the anxious we call it the anxious
Speaker 1: attached person. This is the person checking their iPhone, constantly
Speaker 1: counting the number of words in the text, counting them
Speaker 1: number of minutes between the text. They're vigilantly watching for
Speaker 1: signs of abandonment, right, and then they meet the avoidant person.
Speaker 1: And by the way, they have really great sex. They're
Speaker 1: known to have the best sex of any couple, and
Speaker 1: they're known to last actually the longest years. But they're
Speaker 1: also known to be the most unhappy, terribly unhappy. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: they'll stay together because it's this constant chase the avoidant.
Speaker 1: The anxious one is having these moments of I see
Speaker 1: her or him in her intimate moment when we're having
Speaker 1: this great sex, and then the avoidant one is just like, Okay,
Speaker 1: this is too much. I've got to take a break
Speaker 1: right after sex, and then the run starts again, the
Speaker 1: little chase starts again. Why is dating? So, are you know?
Speaker 1: A relationship is a gymnasium for your mind. It's a
Speaker 1: workout for your brain. And when people say, oh, you know,
Speaker 1: I took some time off for dating so I could
Speaker 1: just heal and grow. And I'm like, you know what,
Speaker 1: if you're sitting on a mountaintop meditating, thinking you're going
Speaker 1: to improve your relationships, all you're doing is avoiding. The
Speaker 1: only way to approve improve relationships is to go into
Speaker 1: relationships and try to be more conscious each with each one,
Speaker 1: try to pick better partners, perhaps more importantly, try to
Speaker 1: be a better partner in each relationship, and that's how
Speaker 1: we grow. I think that's a wonderful one too, because
Speaker 1: I always want to put it back on the responsibility
Speaker 1: of the individual. What you said is try and be
Speaker 1: a better part exactly. You know that's I think that's
Speaker 1: truly how you will grow. Um show up as a
Speaker 1: better version of yourself. I try and do it every day,
Speaker 1: every day. I try and be a better version of myself.
Speaker 1: But certainly in a relationship. And if you're bouncing from
Speaker 1: relationship to relationship, instead of just saying why can't meet
Speaker 1: the right person? The right person that they're not even
Speaker 1: out there, I'm meeting these wrong guys. Just if you
Speaker 1: are girls, if you can just continually I believe what
Speaker 1: you put out into the world, you're going to attract,
Speaker 1: you know, and if you can show up as an authentic, real,
Speaker 1: genuine invested person that I just, I truly just believe
Speaker 1: the universe is going to bring magic together and it's
Speaker 1: gonna put your person in front of it. And I
Speaker 1: also want to say that there is a myth out
Speaker 1: there that having a healthy relationship is about finding the
Speaker 1: right partner. It's not. Having a healthy relationship is about
Speaker 1: having good relationship skills. Relationships are far less about luck
Speaker 1: and a lot more about skill. What kind of skills? So, um,
Speaker 1: here's something I heard. I want to dive into this.
Speaker 1: This is really interesting, Wendy Um. One thing I heard
Speaker 1: on a podcast one time. A gentleman was talking about
Speaker 1: successful relationships, whether it be personal relationships or business relationships.
Speaker 1: He said, successful relationships, um have similar values with complementary skills.
Speaker 1: So their values are the same. Maybe this person is
Speaker 1: strong at commitment and this person is strong at communication
Speaker 1: or something, but their skills complement each other. Um, what
Speaker 1: kind of skills are you talking about that need that
Speaker 1: our present for a successful relationship. Well, when we look
Speaker 1: at research on long term committed couples who report that
Speaker 1: they've had a lot of happiness. Those are my favorite
Speaker 1: couples to study because I'm like, who are they, Let's
Speaker 1: figure this out? Um? They where they do a couple
Speaker 1: of things that are really interesting. One is they tend
Speaker 1: to hold positive memories for a really long time. That's
Speaker 1: why you see couples redo their vows when they get
Speaker 1: into dulg rooms of marriage. Twelve years later, they'll have
Speaker 1: another fake wedding, right, That's why they go back to
Speaker 1: where they went on their first date, where they went
Speaker 1: on their first They're trying to recreate the feelings. Also
Speaker 1: when they are in conflict. So people who have poor
Speaker 1: attachment style and don't have good conflict resolution skills, when
Speaker 1: they're in an argument or a fight, they literally forget
Speaker 1: who their partner is, and their partner becomes an adversary,
Speaker 1: an object to be angry with. They can't hold the
Speaker 1: good and the bad at the same time. Healthy partners
Speaker 1: are able to go all right, she's losing her right now,
Speaker 1: but I remember all those times when she's been there
Speaker 1: for me, had my back, or been a good mom.
Speaker 1: I'm going to ride through this. And so what they're
Speaker 1: able to do is hold the positive qualities of their
Speaker 1: partner in their mind at the same time that the
Speaker 1: chaos is happening. And you hear about communication skills all
Speaker 1: the time, But what does it really mean to have
Speaker 1: good communication skills? It's actually not talking. It's about learning
Speaker 1: to listen and merror what you think you heard, giving
Speaker 1: it back to them. So I'm hearing that when I
Speaker 1: came home three nights late, that you actually felt abandoned
Speaker 1: by me. No, I'm just pissed you just weren't there.
Speaker 1: But it seems like that hurt you. Well, yeah, you
Speaker 1: can piss me up. Well, you see, and you're giving
Speaker 1: names to feelings and after a while they calm down
Speaker 1: because they feel so hurt and seen. M. I think
Speaker 1: listening is such an underrated skill. It is such a
Speaker 1: part of communication, um and I've shared it on this
Speaker 1: podcast many times. But in relationships, I try and say,
Speaker 1: listen to understand, don't listen to reply. That's so brilliant
Speaker 1: because we spend our time thinking of our comeback instead
Speaker 1: of like, what are they feeling? Yeah, yeah, I'm just
Speaker 1: waiting to get Oh are you finished so I can
Speaker 1: say my thing? You know that. It's just then it's
Speaker 1: a we're not even communicating. I'm yelling you're yelling or like,
Speaker 1: I'm just trying to get my point across. You're trying
Speaker 1: to get your point across, but nothing is being exchanged
Speaker 1: between us. And so listening is such a powerful skill.
Speaker 1: And if you can listen to understand and then even
Speaker 1: take a pause. You know, when somebody tells you something
Speaker 1: and then you just listen and you don't respond, They're
Speaker 1: kind of like, what's going on, What's going on? I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm just listening. They're kind of shocked because people in
Speaker 1: general don't listen, you know, but also interpreting what you
Speaker 1: believe you heard. Like I have a technique. I don't
Speaker 1: have a clinical practice now, but I used to have
Speaker 1: a technique where if there was an arguing couple I
Speaker 1: would have I would light a little candle and I'd say,
Speaker 1: only the person holding the candle can talk. And if
Speaker 1: you get angry, the candle's gonna blow out, because you're
Speaker 1: gonna blow it out with all of your breath, your
Speaker 1: hot air and breath right, and the other person has
Speaker 1: to hold it in while they say whatever they need
Speaker 1: to say. But I give them a pen and paper
Speaker 1: to make some notes. So I'm like, if you're just
Speaker 1: worried about your comeback and what you're gonna say. Just
Speaker 1: put it on the paper so you won't forget it.
Speaker 1: It'll be there. But when I passed the candle over,
Speaker 1: the first thing I asked the next person to say,
Speaker 1: is tell me three things you just heard. Oh, because
Speaker 1: they're not they're thinking about what they want to respond
Speaker 1: and it's over safe on the paper. They can come
Speaker 1: back with that. Don't worry, they haven't lost it. But
Speaker 1: tell me three things you've just heard that person say
Speaker 1: in your words, because we want to put it now
Speaker 1: in our words so we can interpret it right. Incredible,
Speaker 1: Oh man, it's so Relationships are such a dance, but
Speaker 1: they're so they're so wonderful. Like you learned so much,
Speaker 1: you grow so much, you know, you discover so much.
Speaker 1: There's so many parts of myself that I was didn't
Speaker 1: know existed in me, or I had shut off, or
Speaker 1: I wasn't in tune with um that have been opened
Speaker 1: up through not only through a relationship, but through friendships,
Speaker 1: through people that are different than me, you know, like
Speaker 1: living my whole life in a locker room being around
Speaker 1: kind of the same kind of man, having friends that
Speaker 1: are musicians or artists or dancers or that see the
Speaker 1: world and are emotionally so much different. Has just lossom
Speaker 1: different parts of me, which is wonderful, And relationships do
Speaker 1: it too. Um, I mean, you know Charles Darwin said,
Speaker 1: we are you know, it is survival of the fittest
Speaker 1: who will survive, and we call that natural selection. But
Speaker 1: actually sexual selection is far more important in our evolution.
Speaker 1: So it didn't matter if there was a great caveman
Speaker 1: who had a cave line with the best furs and
Speaker 1: made his own fire and killed all the best protein.
Speaker 1: If he could not shoot his genes into the future
Speaker 1: and put them in a good mother who would then
Speaker 1: shoot those genes into the next generation, he fell out
Speaker 1: of evolutions chain. And so made selection for both men
Speaker 1: and women is the most important part of human existence.
Speaker 1: And that's why I study the science of love. That's
Speaker 1: why Making Matters is all about human behavior that links
Speaker 1: to human mating strategy. I want to hear all about it.
Speaker 1: So let's talk about that. Making Matters is your podcast,
Speaker 1: and so for people looking for their partner, like I've
Speaker 1: said a million times on the show, the most important
Speaker 1: thing in my life, Wendy, is to be a loving
Speaker 1: partner and to be a loving father. That's that's my
Speaker 1: greatest version of me that I could ever see, is
Speaker 1: to be a loving husband and a loving father and
Speaker 1: hopefully to receive the love you deserve. That part of
Speaker 1: it too. But um, the like selecting a partner that
Speaker 1: shares those values, you know, not just for me, but
Speaker 1: because that's that's the values that they have in their
Speaker 1: own life. Um, I really want, I really wanted to
Speaker 1: sack out mating matters just to hear because it's such
Speaker 1: a complex process. Yeah, you know, maybe you like somebody,
Speaker 1: but oh I just don't see them as a mother.
Speaker 1: It's not the fit that I want, or maybe they
Speaker 1: have great characteristics or I don't know. But like choosing
Speaker 1: the person like my greatest dreams I can't fulfill by myself.
Speaker 1: I can't need a partner to do. You need girls,
Speaker 1: you need a womb. Okay, So one of the episodes
Speaker 1: of mating matter is called I think it's called an
Speaker 1: alpha male his junk food sex. And I use the
Speaker 1: term junk food sex this way. So we, as far
Speaker 1: as our diet is concerned, we as human beings, evolved
Speaker 1: to have an insatiable craving for salt, sugar, and fat.
Speaker 1: These were three vital but trace nutrients in our past.
Speaker 1: So as a result, today's modern food industry stuffs everything
Speaker 1: with salt, sugar, and fat because they know that we
Speaker 1: will respond to it because our bodies are used to
Speaker 1: living in a environment where it was hard to get
Speaker 1: So the same thing goes with sex. So think of this.
Speaker 1: For millions of years, we roamed the planet in mostly
Speaker 1: related plans of about thirty five people, and we were
Speaker 1: mostly smelling our stinky brother and sister. And anytime a
Speaker 1: new hunter from another tribe would walk in, all the
Speaker 1: girls would sit up straight because it was so rare
Speaker 1: to have a new set of genes, and we would
Speaker 1: literally smell the pheromones. That's how you can tell if
Speaker 1: somebody has very different genes, especially genes around immune system.
Speaker 1: It's a whole another episode. But um, what happens today.
Speaker 1: And so in the course of our entire lifetime as
Speaker 1: Homo sapiens, we never laid eyes on more than a
Speaker 1: hundred and fifty humans. Now that's what we're wired for. Now,
Speaker 1: think about today, where we have thousands of new potential mates.
Speaker 1: A thumb swipe away, where we were in crowded cities,
Speaker 1: on in crowded nightclubs, on crowded subways, and so it's
Speaker 1: being triggered like salt, sugar and fat. We must have
Speaker 1: sex with that, We must have sex with that, We
Speaker 1: must have sex with that because that was a scarcity
Speaker 1: way back when. So this episode called an Alpha male
Speaker 1: and his jump food sex. I got an email from
Speaker 1: a guy who played basketball, and he's confused because he
Speaker 1: was twenty four years old, has had at that point
Speaker 1: more than two hundred sexual partners, no idea how to
Speaker 1: have a relationship, and what had happened in his life
Speaker 1: that made him reach out to me is one of
Speaker 1: his sexual partners became pregnant and kept the baby. So
Speaker 1: now he has a baby daughter who's just a few
Speaker 1: months old, and his head is spinning about what he
Speaker 1: should be doing. And when I talked to him, it's
Speaker 1: such a very long and wonderful interview. He was very
Speaker 1: open and honest. But one of the things I said
Speaker 1: to him is maybe this daughter is such a gift
Speaker 1: because now you're shopping for her best stepmother. And he
Speaker 1: was like, oh, I never thought of it that way. Wow,
Speaker 1: that's wonderful. I gotta check out mating matters. Tell us
Speaker 1: a little bit more about mating matters. So I have
Speaker 1: my first Yeah, the first episode is called hidden Eggs.
Speaker 1: Why we're the only primate that you can't tell when refertile?
Speaker 1: You know, all the other monkeys have those big red
Speaker 1: monkey butts that you saw in National Geographic when you
Speaker 1: were a kid, right, those swellings. We don't. We have
Speaker 1: a hidden fertility. So I explain why we have hidden fertility.
Speaker 1: And I explain why men in certain ways can tell
Speaker 1: when and how a woman is ovulating. Also, since many
Speaker 1: women don't even know that they're ovulating, here's a funfic studies,
Speaker 1: and I interview scientists as well as real people. Um.
Speaker 1: Some scientists studied strippers, exotic dancers and their tips, and
Speaker 1: they found and then stroll cycles, and they found that
Speaker 1: whenever the stripper was ovulating, she made nine times the
Speaker 1: amount of tips. But if they interviewed her and asked
Speaker 1: her why, she always said, no, I had an off night,
Speaker 1: or I had a good night. I don't know, maybe
Speaker 1: I dance better or whatever. So they tried to figure
Speaker 1: out what was it that caused men to part with
Speaker 1: their money. And there are a number of factors but
Speaker 1: I'll give you only a couple because I want you
Speaker 1: to listen to the whole episode. But one is that
Speaker 1: women's voices change just slightly when they're ovulating, a little breathy,
Speaker 1: aer just a little softer. There's some more air in
Speaker 1: their voices, like Marilyn Monroe singing Happy birthday, Mr presnt right.
Speaker 1: And so in order to actually make the big tips
Speaker 1: as an exotic dancer, you have to book the lap dances. Well,
Speaker 1: how do you book a lap dance from up on stage?
Speaker 1: Clubs are notoriously very loud and they're very dark, And
Speaker 1: how do you book a lap dance? You walk up
Speaker 1: to somebody and you say in their ear, would you
Speaker 1: like a lap dance? And they hear in the voice
Speaker 1: and they know it, but they know they'll pay more
Speaker 1: for that lap dance. Wow, it's amazing how that shows up.
Speaker 1: And there are many other ways too. I don't want
Speaker 1: to give away the whole episode. So then we have
Speaker 1: another episode about dating and how the dating apps bio
Speaker 1: hack our brain, called Dating Apathy. We have a great
Speaker 1: one called porno. Are we allowed to swear on your podcast? Okay,
Speaker 1: it's called pornography mind fuck, And it's about how pornography
Speaker 1: also bio hacks the male brain. And we interview this
Speaker 1: really into He happens to be Canadian. I think he's
Speaker 1: from Western University or something, but he actually studies insects.
Speaker 1: And he was in Australia studying this particular breed of
Speaker 1: black beetle that was starting to go extinct and they
Speaker 1: couldn't figure out why. And he was out in the
Speaker 1: wilderness camping and he started noticing that on this road
Speaker 1: all these truckers with throw these particular brown beer bottles
Speaker 1: out the window as they drove, so they were littered
Speaker 1: with beer bottles everywhere, and they were the little we
Speaker 1: used to call them the studies. And I don't know
Speaker 1: if you remember, but sometimes they had that little bumps
Speaker 1: on them so they wouldn't slip out of your hands. Right. Well,
Speaker 1: apparently the color brown and the little bumps look exactly
Speaker 1: like a female beetle. So they kept finding these beer
Speaker 1: bottles covered with male beetles who couldn't stop stop calpulating
Speaker 1: and leaving their sperm on beer bottles instead of real females.
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh. And he likened it to male use
Speaker 1: of pornography, leaving the sperm with a screen instead of
Speaker 1: a human. His prediction is that the young man today
Speaker 1: who learns to actually speak with a woman, take her
Speaker 1: out on a Saturday night for a date, and have
Speaker 1: real sex with her will be the one whose genes
Speaker 1: will be in the future, not those who become addicted
Speaker 1: to porn. Wow, that is amazing. Yes, So I think
Speaker 1: it's science. I look at the human brain and I
Speaker 1: look at our modern environment. So Mating Matters is the podcast.
Speaker 1: Where else can people find you? Because undoubtedly our listeners
Speaker 1: are going to want the taste of Wendy Walsh. Thank
Speaker 1: you so much, brooks um Well. I have a radio
Speaker 1: show on kf I Am six forty Los Angeles live
Speaker 1: every Sunday from four to six, but you can find
Speaker 1: it at any time on the I Heart radio app.
Speaker 1: And I have I do a live stream on my
Speaker 1: social media and it is Wednesday, isn't it And it's
Speaker 1: four forties So in an hour and twenty minutes at
Speaker 1: six o'clock every Wednesday, I just stream everywhere and let
Speaker 1: anybody ask me any question they want for free on
Speaker 1: my all my social media, and my social media is
Speaker 1: at Dr Wendy Walsh just d R at d R
Speaker 1: Wendy Walsh. Amazing. That's amazing that you just give that
Speaker 1: value for free, because obviously you're such an accomplished person,
Speaker 1: but to then just open source everything you have with
Speaker 1: your heart. Really, what you're doing is you're sharing your
Speaker 1: heart with people. Um, you shared insight in your knowledge,
Speaker 1: but truthfully, you're sharing your heart. Just want to commend
Speaker 1: you for doing Thank you. But it's a gift to
Speaker 1: me too because it keeps my ear to the ground
Speaker 1: to see what people are struggling with. It's also fun
Speaker 1: to just sharpen your own blade. Yeah, you know, it's
Speaker 1: just like let me let me hear what they're dealing
Speaker 1: with now, and I'm always hear new Well, they think
Speaker 1: they're new problems. You know, technology hasn't created new problems,
Speaker 1: just new pathways to the old problems. Oh that's amazing.
Speaker 1: Dr Wendy Walsh. I have just literally been through the
Speaker 1: Wendy Walsh School. So I absolutely thank you so much.
Speaker 1: Our community, thanks you so much. Um guys, tune into
Speaker 1: Maating Matters, which is Wendy's podcast, UM, and tune into
Speaker 1: her Instagram lives as well. Wendy, thank you so much.
Speaker 1: We'd love to have you back on, thank you anytime.
Speaker 1: That's it for this episode, guys um until next week.
Speaker 1: As always, take care of one another, love one another,
Speaker 1: and use this episode as inspiration to find your connection.