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Speaker 1: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.

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Speaker 2: If you take shortcuts in laying the foundation, eventually, when

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Speaker 2: something comes to rock that foundation because you took a shortcut,

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Speaker 2: that foundation is going to crumble.

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Speaker 1: Today's episode is sure to provide you with motivation, inspiration,

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Speaker 1: or a fresh perspective. If you have any AHA moments

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Speaker 1: or appreciate anything from this episode, please leave us a

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Speaker 1: review to let us know we're on the right track. Also,

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Speaker 1: we release episodes every Friday, so be sure to subscribe

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Speaker 1: on iTunes and visit cultivatinghurspace dot com to access our

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Speaker 1: exclusive after show and other bonus content from the Patreon tab.

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Speaker 3: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting

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Speaker 3: women like you. We're your hosts doctor Dominique Bussard, a

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Speaker 3: college professor and psychologists.

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Speaker 4: And Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. In a

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Speaker 4: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood, please

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Speaker 4: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from

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Speaker 4: fibroids to faith friends and create a safe space where

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Speaker 4: black women can just be all right.

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Speaker 2: Our quote of the day now, I'm a spare one's

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Speaker 2: ears and not seeing these lyrics. I know, see, I know. Thanks,

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Speaker 2: I'm a spare all of our ears and not seeing

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Speaker 2: these lyrics, but you will probably recognize them if you

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Speaker 2: have ever either watched the movie Waiting to Exhale or

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Speaker 2: listen to the infamous soundtrack. Count On Me Through Thick

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Speaker 2: and Thin, A friendship that will never end when you

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Speaker 2: are weak. I will be strong helping you to carry

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Speaker 2: on one more time for the people in the back

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Speaker 2: and hopefully lady, by now you might be singing along

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Speaker 2: count On Me through Thick and Thin, A friendship that

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Speaker 2: will never end when you were weak. I will be

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Speaker 2: strong helping you to carry on. Those lyrics are from

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Speaker 2: the song count On Me by Whitney Houston and C. C.

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Speaker 2: Winans Na, TI, you already know my next question when

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Speaker 2: you hear these lyrics, what comes up for you?

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Speaker 4: Okay? So when I hear these lyrics, don I'm taking

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Speaker 4: a look at them as well, just to make sure

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Speaker 4: I've kind of taken the entire quote that we pulled

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Speaker 4: I think that child, I think that there are friendships

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Speaker 4: where this quote that we've pulled out, this excerpt definitely

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Speaker 4: does encompass the friendship right like you're there for the

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Speaker 4: person through thick and thin. Literally, you ever had that

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Speaker 4: friend where when you're going through something, they're not there

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Speaker 4: able to support you, and then vice versa, like you

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Speaker 4: had that scenario. And then I also think about situations

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Speaker 4: where you can't really count on the person, right or

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Speaker 4: y'all both going through stuff at the same time, and

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Speaker 4: so you're not able to be supportive. And I will

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Speaker 4: say dom another thing that makes me think about is

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Speaker 4: years and years ago, I used to think that a friendship,

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Speaker 4: a good friendship, meant that you did not have conflict,

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Speaker 4: There was no tension, everything was just great. And I

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Speaker 4: remember for years I would say this about one of

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Speaker 4: my good friends, like we never had an argument, and

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Speaker 4: then when I looked below the surface, it was like, oh, well,

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Speaker 4: there were some things I was suppressing or things I

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Speaker 4: just brushed under the rug, and conversations that probably needed

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Speaker 4: to be had, but because I was non confrontational and

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Speaker 4: because I didn't want to rock the boat and I

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Speaker 4: want to keep the peace, we didn't have the conversations.

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Speaker 4: And then you just brush under the rug and you

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Speaker 4: keep on friending like before. So those are all the

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Speaker 4: thoughts that come to mind. I heard you read this

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Speaker 4: quote what about you, Doma comes up for you.

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Speaker 2: I think similarly in that, yeah, there are a handful

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Speaker 2: of folks that I can say, Yeah, this quote would definitely,

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Speaker 2: these particular lyrics would definitely be applicable, right. But I

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Speaker 2: also feel like it's setting an unrealistic expectation for what

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Speaker 2: friendships really are. That over the life of a friendship,

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Speaker 2: there may be times well one I said the life

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Speaker 2: of a friendship, meaning that there are some friendships that

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Speaker 2: will end right and also recognizing that there are moments

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Speaker 2: where both of y'all are weak, so we might be

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Speaker 2: pulling each other along, struggling together. We not necessarily one

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Speaker 2: of us is not necessarily.

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Speaker 4: Strong right now.

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Speaker 2: And so I think that you know this these particular

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Speaker 2: this particular quote, while on one hand, to me it

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Speaker 2: feels aspirational more so than reality, right that Ideally, yes,

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Speaker 2: I want to have those friendships where I can count

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Speaker 2: on them and they can count on me, and this

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Speaker 2: friendship will last a lifetime. But the reality is that

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Speaker 2: friendships come and go ebb and flow mm hm they do.

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Speaker 4: That's such a good point. I love that, Tom. I

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Speaker 4: think you analyze that quote very well, and it takes

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Speaker 4: us into our transition. Let's talk about the foundation of

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Speaker 4: a strong friendship. I kind of share it with you

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Speaker 4: a little bit about my idea of a great friendship.

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Speaker 4: Before it was like, no conflict, you just have peace

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Speaker 4: all the time. Like any relationship that's just peaceful all

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Speaker 4: the time and everything's great. You gotta question it, right,

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Speaker 4: because we're human and conflict isn't a bad thing. I

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Speaker 4: think it's the way we go about conflict. And so

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Speaker 4: when I think about the foundation of a strong friendship,

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Speaker 4: I know we all hear this. Communication is key, right, lady,

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Speaker 4: you've heard that before, right, Communication is key for me.

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Speaker 4: I think that I'm trying to think of how I

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Speaker 4: want to worry with this. I think that intentional communication

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Speaker 4: and also honest communication is really really important. And I'll say,

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Speaker 4: as of late, the friends, the people that I consider friends,

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Speaker 4: the people that I have in my life now, the

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Speaker 4: people who I love deeply, we have I like to

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Speaker 4: call them impactful conversations versus difficult conversations. We have impactful conversations.

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Speaker 4: Sometimes there are tears. Sometimes I need to take accountability

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Speaker 4: for things. Sometimes they choose to take accountability for things.

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Speaker 4: But we're having conversations to help us grow evolve, and

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Speaker 4: so I think that communication is so important and friendship,

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Speaker 4: especially in this day and age, because we're all busy, right,

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Speaker 4: most of us are so busy, and it's easy for

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Speaker 4: things to get lost in translation when you're texting or

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Speaker 4: you're just quickly kind of checking in with folks. So

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Speaker 4: I would say communication is really important. Another thing is

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Speaker 4: understanding each other's friendship or love language and being able

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Speaker 4: to show up in that way. I think there is

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Speaker 4: the golden role. The golden role, right, that's what many

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Speaker 4: of us grew up with, which is treat people. Yes,

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Speaker 4: treat people the way you want to be treated. But

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Speaker 4: I believe it's the what is it, the platinum role?

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Speaker 4: What are they call it. There's a new rule where

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Speaker 4: it's treat people the way they want to be treated.

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Speaker 4: I like that.

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Speaker 3: I don't know, I can't remember if it's called the

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Speaker 3: platinum rule or not, but yes, like that.

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Speaker 4: That makes to me.

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Speaker 2: That makes more sense is to treat people the way

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Speaker 2: they want to.

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Speaker 4: Be treated exactly. Yes, And the way that you do

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Speaker 4: that is by having community, like having conversations about it.

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Speaker 4: We've talked a little bit about this dom on what

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Speaker 4: our love language is, and so when you're able to

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Speaker 4: have that conversation, You're able to show up in that

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Speaker 4: way for your friend Because you might like gifts, but

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Speaker 4: I might like quality time. So if you give me

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Speaker 4: all these gifts, that doesn't really do anything for me,

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Speaker 4: you know what I mean? So what would you say

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Speaker 4: is the foundation of a strong friendship?

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Speaker 2: I think it's a few things. One, like you mentioned,

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Speaker 2: it's that intentional, honest communication. Two, I think it's deep

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Speaker 2: vulnerable connection. So it's that willingness to have those difficult

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Speaker 2: or impactful conversations but also support each other. And we'll

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Speaker 2: talk about this later on in the episode how you

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Speaker 2: show up when shit hits the fan? Right? Yes, And

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Speaker 2: we have several situations that we'll talk about of like

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Speaker 2: things getting rough, And to me, the foundation of a solid,

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Speaker 2: strong friendship means that you all can navigate those things,

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Speaker 2: these difficult situations with honesty and grace and compassion, and

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Speaker 2: it requires a level of vulnerability and transparency. And I

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Speaker 2: also want to acknowledge that to build that foundation takes time.

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Speaker 2: So a solid foundation, if you think about if you

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Speaker 2: think about houses these days, right, how long does it

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Speaker 2: take to really lay out that foundation and lay out

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Speaker 2: a foundation that's going to last. Now, we know there

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Speaker 2: are shortcuts because we've seen We've seen construction crews take shortcuts,

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Speaker 2: and we see what happens years down the line when

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Speaker 2: they take those shortcuts. And that's the same thing that happens.

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Speaker 2: That's the same way your friendship works. If you take

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Speaker 2: shortcuts in laying the foundation. Eventually, when something comes to

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Speaker 2: rock that foundation because you took a shortcut, that foundation

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Speaker 2: is gonna crumble. Yep, and so tee. When you think

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Speaker 2: about these navigating navigating a friendship, right, we have a

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Speaker 2: list of some pretty difficult situations that most friendships will endure. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: I would say probably.

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Speaker 4: All but two of these.

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Speaker 2: Maybe I would say, you know what I'm gonna say.

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Speaker 4: I would say.

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Speaker 2: All all but maybe two of these. Yes, every friendship,

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Speaker 2: if you are friends long enough, you will experience probably

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Speaker 2: all but two of these.

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Speaker 4: Yes. Hey lady, it's Terry here, Dom and I want

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Speaker 4: to take a moment to thank you for choosing to

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Speaker 4: listen to our podcast. We love you for real, and

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Speaker 4: we want to give you a chance to learn more

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Speaker 4: about what's important to us. So tell us what you

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Speaker 4: think about this.

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Speaker 3: Imagine a world where you have a chance to get

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Speaker 3: featured on the Cultivating her Space podcast and share your

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Speaker 3: business brand or perspective with millions around the globe. Imagine

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Speaker 3: joining our monthly virtual video check ins where you can

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Speaker 3: connect with like minded black women like you and share

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Speaker 3: your ideas and episode suggestions with Terry and I. Now,

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Speaker 3: I want you to imagine a world where you're in

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Speaker 3: the exclusive Cultivating her Space sanctuary Slack channel and throw

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Speaker 3: out your day and week. You are conversing with us

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Speaker 3: about what's happening in your life and sharing funny gifts

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Speaker 3: and or personal wins. How does that sound? Hopefully this

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Speaker 3: is of your alley, lady, because we are taking things

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Speaker 3: to the next level this year, and we're doubling down

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Speaker 3: on investing in our community.

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Speaker 4: and create communities of genuine women who love on black

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Speaker 4: All right, lady, we'll hop right back into the conversation,

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Speaker 4: but don really quick before we dive into those. When

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Speaker 4: you were sharing, it made me think of a couple

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Speaker 4: more that we should add to the foundation of a

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Speaker 4: strong friendship list, and I think that's empathy, trust, also

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Speaker 4: mutual support. You ever had a friend who you support

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Speaker 4: them with all the things that they may not support

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Speaker 4: you or there is mutual support, right, I think that's important.

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Speaker 4: And then the last one was, oh, go ahead, go ahead,

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Speaker 4: go ahead, go ahead.

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Speaker 2: I have an asterisk for mutual support, right, Okay, my

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Speaker 2: asterisk for that is that mutual will support goes back

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Speaker 2: to what you said about treating people how they want

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Speaker 2: to be treated. Mutu will support means you are supporting

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Speaker 2: the person in a way that works for them, not

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Speaker 2: necessarily how you would like to be supported.

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Speaker 4: Yes, preach it. That is so important. And I have

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Speaker 4: some examples we may dive into later or in the

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Speaker 4: after shows, and the last one I'll add them as

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Speaker 4: a growth mindset or being coachable. And the reason I

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Speaker 4: say that is because I know over the years my

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Speaker 4: communication has developed a lot more, right, Like I have

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Speaker 4: a master's in conflict resolution, so I've learned tools on

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Speaker 4: how to communicate effectively, how to use eye statements, my temper,

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Speaker 4: I don't really have a I don't think I have

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Speaker 4: a bad temper, but I would say years ago in

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Speaker 4: intimate relationships, my temper was a little spicier, right, And

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Speaker 4: so as my communication has developed, I now have a

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Speaker 4: standard for those that I communicate with. So my friend

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Speaker 4: is trying to talk to me crazy, it's like, we

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Speaker 4: ain't gon me to do that. That shually ain't gonna work.

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Speaker 4: So I think that a growth mindset is also really important,

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Speaker 4: or at least being culchable if someone's you know, telling

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Speaker 4: you that you're not communicating in an effective way.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's that goes back to that openness.

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Speaker 4: Yes, all right, so let's dive into the first one now,

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Speaker 4: So navigating friendship through depression. So that's whether you are depressed,

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Speaker 4: your friend is depressed depressed. I think there's so much

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Speaker 4: to consider when depression is on the table. I know

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Speaker 4: I've been there before. I would say on both sides

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Speaker 4: of that, where there have been situations where I was

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Speaker 4: going through various states of depression or my friend may

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Speaker 4: have been going through it, and it can be challenging.

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Speaker 4: And I'll say I've had friends that go through depression

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Speaker 4: and they typically like to isolate, which I do too sometimes,

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Speaker 4: but they would Yeah. And when you are in a

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Speaker 4: space of let's say your friend is part of your routine,

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Speaker 4: like you know, every morning we text each other and

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Speaker 4: we're like, hey, gird are you doing da da da?

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Speaker 4: Or you have a weekly phone call, a weekly date,

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Speaker 4: sometimes you can feel like you can feel some type

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Speaker 4: of way if your friend is not available when they're

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Speaker 4: out there, you can't debrief your day or let them

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Speaker 4: know about the hottest tea, or let them know about that,

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Speaker 4: you know, that booth thing, your text or whatever it

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Speaker 4: might be. It can be pretty tough for you, especially

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Speaker 4: if the depression, the state of depression is running longer

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Speaker 4: than you may have anticipated. Right, mm hmm, it can

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Speaker 4: be tricky. I've also, I would say, I've also been

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Speaker 4: on the other side where I needed space and I

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Speaker 4: just was not available. I really had nothing to give.

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Speaker 4: So I understand both perspectives. What do you think about

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Speaker 4: that time?

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Speaker 2: Well, I think that it goes back to the foundation

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Speaker 2: of the friendship, right, It goes back to the communication

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Speaker 2: in recognizing also that when somebody is depressed, how they

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Speaker 2: This is where the grace and compassion also come in

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Speaker 2: to play. Right, So, when somebody is depressed, they may

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Speaker 2: not have the awareness to communicate to you that they

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Speaker 2: are going through something right or that they need some time.

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Speaker 2: And so as a friend, what can be helpful is

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Speaker 2: to check in to say, you know, Haiti, I noticed

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Speaker 2: we have our You know, we usually text first thing

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Speaker 2: in the morning, and it's been a couple of days

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Speaker 2: and you haven't said anything.

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Speaker 4: Is everything all right? And maybe I might not say

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Speaker 4: like that.

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Speaker 2: I know that sounds super formal, but you know, communicating

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Speaker 2: in whatever language you all your normal dynamic right, like, figure,

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Speaker 2: il in't heard from you in a minute?

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Speaker 4: What's up? I like, like, yes, where you at? What's

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Speaker 4: going on over there?

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Speaker 2: Do I need to hop on a plane? Whatever your

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Speaker 2: normal language is with that particular friend, to check in

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Speaker 2: right to also let them know, Hey, let me know

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Speaker 2: how I can support you. That's one of my favorite

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Speaker 2: questions to ask people, like when they say that they're

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Speaker 2: going through something, well, how can I support you? What

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Speaker 2: do you need right now? And then that gives me

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Speaker 2: the opportunity as the friend to look within in my

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Speaker 2: own capacity to determine where I'm able to support right

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Speaker 2: because it might be that I'm in a space in

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Speaker 2: life where I don't have the capacity. Going back to

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Speaker 2: our song lyrics of not both of us might be

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Speaker 2: in a weak spot in that moment. I might not

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Speaker 2: have the capacity to support you through your depression in

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Speaker 2: the way that you're needing. But it's also then up

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Speaker 2: to me to communicate that like, hey, girl, like, I'm

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Speaker 2: sorry to hear that you're going through a rough time

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Speaker 2: right now, but and here's where I'm able to assist.

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Speaker 2: Here's where I can show up.

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Speaker 4: I like that because it goes back.

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Speaker 2: To exactly not taking it personal and going and going

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Speaker 2: back to that communication and care and compassion. Right that

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Speaker 2: not taking it personal is huge.

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Speaker 4: And it's challenging at times. Yes, yes it can be.

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Speaker 2: Yes, it really can be right because it could be

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Speaker 2: that you as this person. Particularly when it can be challenging,

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Speaker 2: it can be frustrating when you are navigating and I'm

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Speaker 2: just being real that when you're not dealing with a

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Speaker 2: friend who is in a deep depression, because there's and

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Speaker 2: we've talked about this in previous episodes of like what

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Speaker 2: depression looks like a different levels to depression, but when

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Speaker 2: we're dealing with someone who is in a deeper state

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Speaker 2: of depression so they're not engaging in their day to

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Speaker 2: day activities, it can be extremely frustrating to be on

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Speaker 2: the other side of that when you are in a

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Speaker 2: good space and you see your friend is hurting and

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Speaker 2: you're like, come on, girl, let's let's just get out

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Speaker 2: of bed, right, or come on, let's go for a

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Speaker 2: walk that might help you, or like you're making suggestions.

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Speaker 2: You're trying to be there and be supportive, and because

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Speaker 2: of their depression, they are not responding in a way

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Speaker 2: that would show that they are engaged in making things

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Speaker 2: better for themselves, right coming out of that depression.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, Oh that's a good point. Don It makes me

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Speaker 4: think about to how we view our friends and how

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Speaker 4: we show up in friendship because I know years ago,

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Speaker 4: I was in a place where I don't think I

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Speaker 4: was in therapy at the time. This may have been

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Speaker 4: when I was younger you, I wasn't in therapy, and

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Speaker 4: so my friends they were my outlet. I used to

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Speaker 4: low key call them like y'all my therapist. They were

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Speaker 4: my outlet. And so when they there was definitely codependency

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Speaker 4: there for sure, because when they would have issues or

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Speaker 4: they wouldn't be their support, I felt like, well, who

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Speaker 4: am I going to talk to?

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Speaker 2: Right?

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Speaker 4: And so one of the things that has been really

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Speaker 4: important for me these days is having a therapist, being

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Speaker 4: able to talk to someone about what's going on and

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Speaker 4: dive deep into the things that are going on in

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Speaker 4: my life so that when I do chat with my friends,

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Speaker 4: I don't have to unload everything onto them because life

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Speaker 4: is just it just feels so big. Maybe it's just

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Speaker 4: me and you die, but I feel like life is

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Speaker 4: just so incredibly busy, and when I do chat with

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Speaker 4: my friends. Yeah, we talk about things that are going on,

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Speaker 4: but I don't have to do such a deep dive

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Speaker 4: because I've already had some healing. I've already had those

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Speaker 4: conversations with my therapists, and so I'm able to work

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Speaker 4: through it there and not necessarily offload all the onto

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Speaker 4: the friendship and then be a little resentful if they're

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Speaker 4: not available to me and they're not able to share,

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Speaker 4: you know, or hold space the way that I might

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Speaker 4: want them to. So I love to be able to

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Speaker 4: come to the friendship as full as possible. But also

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Speaker 4: when I am and those depressed states communicate, you know,

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Speaker 4: communicate like, hey, I'm having a moment. So the next one, Dom,

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Speaker 4: it kind of ties into depression and yeah it can, right,

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Speaker 4: And this is grief and loss. This is a very

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Speaker 4: tricky one. And I know in my experience dealing with

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Speaker 4: grief and loss, definitely it was coupled with depression as well. Dom,

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Speaker 4: do you want to kick this one off? Yeah.

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Speaker 2: So the thing is is that when someone is grieving,

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Speaker 2: no one, no two people grieve the same. Everyone's process

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Speaker 2: is going to be different. There is no time limits

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Speaker 2: on grief. And so the one of the worst things

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Speaker 2: you can say to someone is you should be over

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Speaker 2: that by now. Yes, oh you're still grieving, or.

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Speaker 4: It's a blessing in disguise, there's a lesson, but go,

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Speaker 4: I won't hear that shit.

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Speaker 2: Nobody to hear that when they are grieving, no matter

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Speaker 2: where they are in the process.

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Speaker 4: Nobody. Oh this happened for a reason. No, that's not.

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Speaker 1: No.

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Speaker 2: And you know my favorite phrase, trust the process. That's

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Speaker 2: not the time when we use that phrase. That's not

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Speaker 2: the time this is Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. This

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Speaker 2: is not the time. When that person is finished grieving,

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Speaker 2: however long that might take. Maybe we can use that,

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Speaker 2: but in this moment, when this person is steeped in

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Speaker 2: their grief, no, and also suspend whatever judgment you have

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Speaker 2: about the person's what they are grieving over right. So,

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Speaker 2: I'm not a pet person. That's not my life, but

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Speaker 2: I do understand how people can become attached to their

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Speaker 2: pets and the loss that is felt when something happens

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Speaker 2: to that pet. Again, that's not my experience, but I'm

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Speaker 2: not about to judge the person for how they are

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Speaker 2: responding to the loss of their pet.

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Speaker 4: Yes, I feel that.

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Speaker 2: Like you know or if someone says that so and

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Speaker 2: so and their family died, that's not my business to

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Speaker 2: question how close you were to that family member. If

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Speaker 2: you tell me that you're grieving, you were grieving.

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Speaker 3: Now as and as a friend, again, I go to

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Speaker 3: my question, how can I support you?

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Speaker 4: What do you need in this moment? I feel like,

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Speaker 4: sometimes I think that's a great question one, and I

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Speaker 4: love that you you do do that often because you've

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Speaker 4: done that was me plenty of times over the course

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Speaker 4: of our friendship. And I'm thinking about a particular situation

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Speaker 4: with myself years ago when I experienced a miscarriage and

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Speaker 4: one of my friends, I can't remember if she asked

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Speaker 4: me that question, but I remember not knowing what I needed,

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Speaker 4: and so I would say, in a situation where someone

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Speaker 4: was like, I don't know, I think part of me

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Speaker 4: wants to say, used common sense. But let me give

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Speaker 4: you an example of what that means. So in having

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Speaker 4: a miscarriage, right, my friend, who has no children and

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Speaker 4: who never experienced a miscarriage, she mailed me a beautiful

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Speaker 4: care package and they were like essential oils. There was

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Speaker 4: a journal, there was candles, there were all these things

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Speaker 4: that just brightened my day. I actually still have the box,

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Speaker 4: this beautiful flower box that she put it in, and

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Speaker 4: so it was like all the things that you would

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Speaker 4: need when you're going through a miscarriage, she just sent them.

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Speaker 4: So whether she did her research or she asked someone

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Speaker 4: else like that to me was super thoughtful. And so,

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Speaker 4: like you said, everyone doesn't process grief the same way.

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Speaker 4: I think checking in periodically. So sometimes a simple text

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Speaker 4: like I have text friends like hey, I'm just thinking

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Speaker 4: about you. I don't want nothing, because lord, that's the

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Speaker 4: words when someone reaches out whenever they want something, it's

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Speaker 4: just I'm just thinking about you. I think that goes

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Speaker 4: a long way as well. And can you know constantly

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Speaker 4: checking in or if you are at your friend's place.

435
00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:19,760
Speaker 4: I did this to you when I went to your

436
00:26:19,760 --> 00:26:22,399
Speaker 4: house down creep around a little bit and I looked

437
00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:25,840
Speaker 4: when don was sleep, I looked at her fridge and

438
00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:27,119
Speaker 4: I was like, all right, what kind of wine does

439
00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:28,720
Speaker 4: she like? I was just trying to see what kind

440
00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:30,720
Speaker 4: of snacks and stuff does she like, so that I

441
00:26:30,720 --> 00:26:32,560
Speaker 4: could always send you something later and I don't have

442
00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:34,679
Speaker 4: to ask you and like ruin the surprise. So I

443
00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:36,800
Speaker 4: think stuff like that works too. So if you see, Okay,

444
00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:38,959
Speaker 4: they use this kind of soap, or they have these

445
00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:41,480
Speaker 4: kind of candles or whatever it might be. Try to

446
00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:43,760
Speaker 4: just give them more of what they already have, right

447
00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:45,320
Speaker 4: because you know the candle's going to run out at

448
00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:47,320
Speaker 4: some point, So just being thoughtful in that way too.

449
00:26:47,359 --> 00:26:51,320
Speaker 4: I think those little little acts of kindness can go

450
00:26:51,359 --> 00:26:52,600
Speaker 4: a long way if you don't know what to.

451
00:26:52,560 --> 00:26:57,919
Speaker 2: Do exactly, and if the person says, hey, you know

452
00:26:58,119 --> 00:27:00,520
Speaker 2: you ask how can I support you?

453
00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:01,280
Speaker 4: What do you need?

454
00:27:01,359 --> 00:27:04,679
Speaker 3: And they say I don't know, you can say you

455
00:27:04,760 --> 00:27:07,679
Speaker 3: can maybe generate some ideas on things, on ways in

456
00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:09,560
Speaker 3: which you would like to help, or you have the

457
00:27:09,560 --> 00:27:14,080
Speaker 3: capacity to support and see if that would work for them, right,

458
00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:18,680
Speaker 3: Or you can simply say, well, you know, I'm always here,

459
00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:23,520
Speaker 3: let me know when you need something, no matter what

460
00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:29,480
Speaker 3: it is, let me know what you might need, and then,

461
00:27:29,520 --> 00:27:32,280
Speaker 3: like you said, periodically check in.

462
00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:34,240
Speaker 4: Right and.

463
00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:38,480
Speaker 2: Recognize again, I think the thing that I can't emphasize

464
00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:43,560
Speaker 2: enough is that everybody grieves differently. Yeah, so you know,

465
00:27:44,520 --> 00:27:49,160
Speaker 2: recognizing that we also hold grief in our body. And

466
00:27:49,240 --> 00:27:54,520
Speaker 2: so when I think of the anniversary dates of when

467
00:27:54,560 --> 00:28:00,240
Speaker 2: someone died, right for me personally, for people that I've lost.

468
00:28:01,200 --> 00:28:04,080
Speaker 2: I hold that in my body. My body tends to

469
00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:09,760
Speaker 2: start responding a little differently around those anniversary dates. So

470
00:28:09,800 --> 00:28:13,000
Speaker 2: when I notice that, like my attitude might be a

471
00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:18,320
Speaker 2: little bit different, I check the calendar and I'm like, oh, okay,

472
00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:21,840
Speaker 2: that's what this is, and I give myself that space.

473
00:28:22,240 --> 00:28:26,080
Speaker 2: I might not actually tell people exactly what's coming up

474
00:28:26,080 --> 00:28:30,400
Speaker 2: for me, but I am also more mindful in how

475
00:28:30,440 --> 00:28:36,560
Speaker 2: I communicate with people, Like during those times, I try

476
00:28:36,600 --> 00:28:40,320
Speaker 2: to be more intentional of how I engage because I

477
00:28:40,360 --> 00:28:46,440
Speaker 2: know that there's a grief thing coming up, right and

478
00:28:46,480 --> 00:28:51,200
Speaker 2: that might be impacting how I'm showing up. And so

479
00:28:51,320 --> 00:28:56,600
Speaker 2: it's also good to just really just check in, particularly,

480
00:28:57,120 --> 00:29:00,400
Speaker 2: you know, particularly if you know the anniversary dates of

481
00:29:00,720 --> 00:29:03,760
Speaker 2: the death of a loved one, you know, for your friend,

482
00:29:04,000 --> 00:29:07,520
Speaker 2: right checking in around that date to see what they need.

483
00:29:08,160 --> 00:29:11,000
Speaker 2: Don't automatically assume that they're going to be in mourning,

484
00:29:12,960 --> 00:29:18,200
Speaker 2: because again, everybody processes grief differently and at different times.

485
00:29:18,240 --> 00:29:21,800
Speaker 2: But checking in to see just say, hey, you know,

486
00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:26,240
Speaker 2: I remember what this date is, and I want to

487
00:29:26,360 --> 00:29:28,880
Speaker 2: check in with you and see how I can support

488
00:29:28,920 --> 00:29:29,880
Speaker 2: you on that day.

489
00:29:31,600 --> 00:29:34,640
Speaker 4: Love it. I think you nail that time So let's

490
00:29:34,680 --> 00:29:39,240
Speaker 4: move on to a health scare. I feel like I'm

491
00:29:39,640 --> 00:29:41,880
Speaker 4: sure I've experienced this at some point, but nothing comes

492
00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:43,760
Speaker 4: to mind off the top of my head. What are

493
00:29:43,800 --> 00:29:47,440
Speaker 4: your thoughts on navigating friendship through a health scare?

494
00:29:48,640 --> 00:29:52,640
Speaker 2: Again, I think it comes back to capacity, right, So

495
00:29:55,640 --> 00:30:00,240
Speaker 2: asking that friend what they need and how you can

496
00:30:00,280 --> 00:30:05,840
Speaker 2: be of support in that moment. So in recognizing that,

497
00:30:07,640 --> 00:30:12,240
Speaker 2: depending on what that health scare is, that person might

498
00:30:12,280 --> 00:30:15,440
Speaker 2: not have the capacity to show up for you at

499
00:30:15,440 --> 00:30:19,120
Speaker 2: that time period, right, And I think that goes for

500
00:30:19,240 --> 00:30:22,800
Speaker 2: all of these difficult situations that we're naming, that the

501
00:30:22,840 --> 00:30:26,240
Speaker 2: person who is going through the difficult time is not

502
00:30:26,320 --> 00:30:28,680
Speaker 2: going to have the capacity to show up for you

503
00:30:30,920 --> 00:30:37,040
Speaker 2: in any way, and to not take that personally that

504
00:30:37,920 --> 00:30:44,280
Speaker 2: you know, so someone is having a health scare one

505
00:30:44,520 --> 00:30:48,280
Speaker 2: you want to respect their privacy and I get this

506
00:30:48,360 --> 00:30:50,720
Speaker 2: is your close friend, this is your homegirl, it's like

507
00:30:50,760 --> 00:30:56,080
Speaker 2: your sister. But they might not feel comfortable talking about it.

508
00:30:56,440 --> 00:31:01,040
Speaker 2: And so you can say, hey, you can share with

509
00:31:01,080 --> 00:31:05,000
Speaker 2: me whatever you feel comfortable sharing. And if I have

510
00:31:05,160 --> 00:31:08,200
Speaker 2: questions and you don't want to answer, know that it's okay.

511
00:31:08,720 --> 00:31:11,120
Speaker 2: I am okay with you telling me that you don't

512
00:31:11,120 --> 00:31:16,120
Speaker 2: feel comfortable answering that, but know that I am here

513
00:31:16,200 --> 00:31:22,400
Speaker 2: for you and let me know how I can best

514
00:31:22,440 --> 00:31:25,720
Speaker 2: support you. I want to say too that the other

515
00:31:25,760 --> 00:31:29,640
Speaker 2: thing is is that you know, I think about friendship

516
00:31:29,680 --> 00:31:34,560
Speaker 2: in your twenties, right, and some of the typical health

517
00:31:34,600 --> 00:31:38,400
Speaker 2: scares that young women in their twenties go through. Right,

518
00:31:39,040 --> 00:31:44,600
Speaker 2: So you know you had pretended sex with that person

519
00:31:44,600 --> 00:31:48,040
Speaker 2: that you wasn't anticipating having sex with, right, Or you

520
00:31:48,080 --> 00:31:50,840
Speaker 2: get the news that you're pregnant and you wasn't planning

521
00:31:50,960 --> 00:31:54,040
Speaker 2: on that pregnancy. You wasn't planning to be pregnant with

522
00:31:54,040 --> 00:31:58,520
Speaker 2: that particular person. God forbid, you for real have a

523
00:31:58,640 --> 00:32:00,880
Speaker 2: kid with this person that was not on your plan,

524
00:32:02,440 --> 00:32:05,240
Speaker 2: not on the vision board, not on the vision board.

525
00:32:06,480 --> 00:32:11,280
Speaker 2: And then you go to your girlfriend's crying girl, I

526
00:32:11,280 --> 00:32:15,640
Speaker 2: think we need to go to the clinic. If you

527
00:32:15,760 --> 00:32:20,400
Speaker 2: are that girlfriend that gets that phone call about you

528
00:32:20,440 --> 00:32:21,760
Speaker 2: need to take your friend to the.

529
00:32:21,680 --> 00:32:26,200
Speaker 4: Clinic in that moment.

530
00:32:26,360 --> 00:32:28,000
Speaker 3: That is not the time where we have the I

531
00:32:28,080 --> 00:32:32,400
Speaker 3: told you so conversation. That is not the time where

532
00:32:32,440 --> 00:32:37,680
Speaker 3: we give that grand lecture on safe sex practices.

533
00:32:38,480 --> 00:32:43,360
Speaker 4: Or that is your thoughts about abortion, if that's their decision,

534
00:32:43,560 --> 00:32:45,920
Speaker 4: that is their decision, that's their body.

535
00:32:46,600 --> 00:32:50,280
Speaker 2: All of that. Keep all your judgments to yourself because

536
00:32:50,280 --> 00:32:54,719
Speaker 2: if your friend called you, they are in a vulnerable

537
00:32:54,800 --> 00:33:00,920
Speaker 2: spot and they do not need your judgment in that moment.

538
00:33:03,120 --> 00:33:08,800
Speaker 2: They do not need your lectures in that moment. They

539
00:33:08,880 --> 00:33:12,520
Speaker 2: called you because they need support and support. This is

540
00:33:12,640 --> 00:33:16,200
Speaker 2: not in the form of a lecture in that moment.

541
00:33:18,480 --> 00:33:21,760
Speaker 2: Now you know, after some time has passed and they've

542
00:33:21,800 --> 00:33:27,000
Speaker 2: done some healing physically and emotionally, then we can revisit

543
00:33:27,000 --> 00:33:29,120
Speaker 2: the conversation and be like, all right, girls, so like

544
00:33:30,640 --> 00:33:34,240
Speaker 2: let's have this conversation about safe sex again, and.

545
00:33:34,200 --> 00:33:36,120
Speaker 4: What I like to do them. I like to ask, like,

546
00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:38,880
Speaker 4: do you mind if I offer feedback? I want to

547
00:33:38,920 --> 00:33:41,480
Speaker 4: share something with you? Do you let them opt in

548
00:33:41,560 --> 00:33:43,320
Speaker 4: that way? It's kind of like anybody want to hear

549
00:33:43,320 --> 00:33:45,920
Speaker 4: at that well because if they opt in, well, you

550
00:33:46,040 --> 00:33:49,040
Speaker 4: said you didn't mind if I shared this, right right? Yeah?

551
00:33:49,040 --> 00:33:50,920
Speaker 4: Because sometimes we do have to have real ass talk

552
00:33:50,960 --> 00:33:55,480
Speaker 4: with our friends, like that's what you're doing. What you're doing, like.

553
00:33:57,320 --> 00:33:59,960
Speaker 2: This time number three this year that we're going to

554
00:34:00,120 --> 00:34:01,120
Speaker 2: the clinic, what you're doing.

555
00:34:01,640 --> 00:34:04,280
Speaker 4: Sometimes we have to have the conversation with our damn self, Okay,

556
00:34:05,120 --> 00:34:07,120
Speaker 4: what's going on? Rights?

557
00:34:07,960 --> 00:34:11,560
Speaker 2: But other times there are health scares that so those

558
00:34:11,640 --> 00:34:16,440
Speaker 2: are more common in our twenties, right, But other times

559
00:34:16,480 --> 00:34:23,520
Speaker 2: there are health scares that really require you to show

560
00:34:23,680 --> 00:34:25,440
Speaker 2: physically show up as a friend.

561
00:34:26,040 --> 00:34:27,480
Speaker 4: Right, So.

562
00:34:29,120 --> 00:34:37,840
Speaker 2: Someone gets a cancer diagnosis, right, someone has to have

563
00:34:37,880 --> 00:34:47,000
Speaker 2: a major surgery, someone experiences a miscarriage. These are the

564
00:34:47,040 --> 00:34:52,680
Speaker 2: types of situations in which you show up and again

565
00:34:52,760 --> 00:34:55,120
Speaker 2: you're asking how can I help you?

566
00:34:55,760 --> 00:34:56,680
Speaker 4: Like, what are you.

567
00:34:56,840 --> 00:35:02,359
Speaker 2: Needing in this moment? Do you need someone to come

568
00:35:02,360 --> 00:35:08,839
Speaker 2: home and do your laundry for you? Do you need

569
00:35:08,920 --> 00:35:10,560
Speaker 2: me to send something? Do we need to start a

570
00:35:10,600 --> 00:35:11,240
Speaker 2: meal train?

571
00:35:12,800 --> 00:35:13,160
Speaker 5: Mhm?

572
00:35:14,480 --> 00:35:18,360
Speaker 2: What is it that you need? Do you need me

573
00:35:18,440 --> 00:35:21,759
Speaker 2: to sit with you at the hospital? Do you need

574
00:35:22,440 --> 00:35:24,279
Speaker 2: do you need do you need someone to go to

575
00:35:24,320 --> 00:35:25,160
Speaker 2: the doctor's.

576
00:35:24,800 --> 00:35:25,680
Speaker 4: Appointments with you?

577
00:35:26,080 --> 00:35:26,239
Speaker 5: Yes?

578
00:35:26,800 --> 00:35:29,319
Speaker 2: That is how you show up as a friend. And

579
00:35:29,400 --> 00:35:34,160
Speaker 2: if you can't, if you don't have that capacity, or

580
00:35:34,880 --> 00:35:38,719
Speaker 2: let's say that you're someone who has a fear of hospitals,

581
00:35:38,719 --> 00:35:43,480
Speaker 2: like going to the hospital literally causes panic, causes you

582
00:35:43,560 --> 00:35:47,640
Speaker 2: to break out in hives, right, so you can't show

583
00:35:47,760 --> 00:35:52,000
Speaker 2: up in that way. And that's what they said. You asked,

584
00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:54,239
Speaker 2: what you need they said I need somebody at the

585
00:35:54,239 --> 00:35:57,799
Speaker 2: hospital with me, and you like, aw shit, I'm gonna

586
00:35:57,880 --> 00:36:00,279
Speaker 2: end up causing you more. You know, I'm going to

587
00:36:00,360 --> 00:36:02,560
Speaker 2: end up causing you more trouble being there because I'm

588
00:36:02,560 --> 00:36:04,120
Speaker 2: going to be breaking out in hives and having a

589
00:36:04,120 --> 00:36:07,759
Speaker 2: panic attack. The focus is going to shift to me

590
00:36:07,800 --> 00:36:09,319
Speaker 2: and not you, and it needs to be on you.

591
00:36:11,520 --> 00:36:15,760
Speaker 2: So here's how I might be able to help you instead.

592
00:36:18,080 --> 00:36:23,040
Speaker 2: And so again it comes back to that communication, both

593
00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:26,080
Speaker 2: people being honest and transparent, like, since I really want

594
00:36:26,080 --> 00:36:28,239
Speaker 2: to help you and be there for you, but I

595
00:36:28,360 --> 00:36:30,920
Speaker 2: know me showing up at the hospital with you or

596
00:36:30,960 --> 00:36:34,000
Speaker 2: at that doctor's office with you is going to cause

597
00:36:34,080 --> 00:36:36,560
Speaker 2: more stress than help.

598
00:36:38,400 --> 00:36:42,000
Speaker 4: Yes, Indeedy, that's a good one. Tom, That's a good one. Now,

599
00:36:42,120 --> 00:36:44,799
Speaker 4: this next one, I'd love to know. Do you have

600
00:36:44,840 --> 00:36:52,680
Speaker 4: a story. Do you have an experience about navigating friendship

601
00:36:52,719 --> 00:36:57,480
Speaker 4: in the midst of divorce or a relationship breakup? And

602
00:36:58,560 --> 00:37:01,359
Speaker 4: I guess what were some of the things that came

603
00:37:01,480 --> 00:37:06,560
Speaker 4: up within the friendship or within yourself when navigating that,

604
00:37:06,800 --> 00:37:09,600
Speaker 4: Because I've had that experience and it's very interesting. So

605
00:37:09,640 --> 00:37:11,640
Speaker 4: I'd love to hear what about you.

606
00:37:11,719 --> 00:37:16,560
Speaker 5: Girl cultivating her Space has a passion for helping women

607
00:37:16,600 --> 00:37:19,960
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608
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609
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610
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611
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612
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627
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Speaker 4: Okay, so, dom I want to share something very vulnerable

628
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Speaker 4: with you. But first, lady, as you're listening, if you

629
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Speaker 4: connect with any of the topics that I'm about to share,

630
00:38:27,640 --> 00:38:31,240
Speaker 4: you've got to stay until the end of this conversation. Okay,

631
00:38:32,080 --> 00:38:38,040
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632
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633
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634
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Speaker 4: the past year and a half, I've been experiencing what

635
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Speaker 4: I'm calling a sexual revolution. I don't know if it

636
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637
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Speaker 4: or becoming a mom, but it's lit. I'm really interested

638
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639
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640
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641
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642
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Speaker 4: so much more. But I do want to say I

643
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644
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645
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646
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647
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648
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652
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653
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654
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657
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658
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Speaker 3: sex if we don't feel good about ourselves.

659
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Speaker 2: You know, I think it's a good question in terms

669
00:40:53,239 --> 00:40:58,240
Speaker 2: of how you want to be treated in those moments

670
00:40:59,000 --> 00:41:02,920
Speaker 2: versus what you need in those moments versus what you

671
00:41:03,040 --> 00:41:10,000
Speaker 2: actually receive in those moments. Right, And so when I'm

672
00:41:10,080 --> 00:41:14,839
Speaker 2: thinking so, I'm thinking about like myself personally, never been

673
00:41:14,840 --> 00:41:19,320
Speaker 2: through a divorce, but have been through relationship breakups. And

674
00:41:21,400 --> 00:41:28,440
Speaker 2: what has been the most helpful in those moments is again,

675
00:41:29,719 --> 00:41:33,600
Speaker 2: what do you need? How can I support you?

676
00:41:33,719 --> 00:41:42,000
Speaker 4: Right now? What has not been helpful is.

677
00:41:44,080 --> 00:41:46,560
Speaker 2: Well, I knew he was no good from the very beginning,

678
00:41:46,920 --> 00:41:49,000
Speaker 2: and I didn't think he was right for you. And

679
00:41:49,040 --> 00:41:56,760
Speaker 2: so going automatically into bashing the person right in those

680
00:41:56,880 --> 00:42:06,560
Speaker 2: moments unless I initiate the bashing, because if I'm being honest,

681
00:42:07,000 --> 00:42:11,600
Speaker 2: that is a real part of a relationship ending. That's

682
00:42:11,600 --> 00:42:13,920
Speaker 2: a part of the cycle. Is that you are gonna

683
00:42:13,960 --> 00:42:19,719
Speaker 2: have moments where you are shit talking your ex as

684
00:42:19,760 --> 00:42:21,400
Speaker 2: you were working through your feelings.

685
00:42:22,760 --> 00:42:24,640
Speaker 4: Now, some of that shit talking might just be that

686
00:42:24,760 --> 00:42:25,279
Speaker 4: shit talking.

687
00:42:25,360 --> 00:42:27,360
Speaker 2: It might not be how you actually think and feel

688
00:42:27,360 --> 00:42:30,400
Speaker 2: about that person, But in that moment when you were

689
00:42:30,560 --> 00:42:33,840
Speaker 2: navigating your feelings, that might be what's helping you to

690
00:42:33,880 --> 00:42:40,960
Speaker 2: feel better. Right As the friend, though you don't engage

691
00:42:40,960 --> 00:42:45,400
Speaker 2: in the bashing unless you're invited to the bash party.

692
00:42:45,920 --> 00:42:50,320
Speaker 4: M That's a good point. Sometimes it can be sensitive

693
00:42:50,360 --> 00:42:52,839
Speaker 4: and tricky. It's like talking about somebody mama, even though

694
00:42:52,840 --> 00:42:54,960
Speaker 4: they mama might not be shit, or they daddy might

695
00:42:55,040 --> 00:42:57,280
Speaker 4: not be sh and it's like, exactly, I'm gonna listen

696
00:42:57,320 --> 00:43:00,839
Speaker 4: to you, but unless you invite me in, I'm keep my.

697
00:43:00,800 --> 00:43:07,920
Speaker 2: Mouth closed because because so, here's the thing too. We've

698
00:43:08,040 --> 00:43:11,279
Speaker 2: seen relationships where people break up and then they get

699
00:43:11,320 --> 00:43:15,759
Speaker 2: back together, right yep. So now, if you are in

700
00:43:15,840 --> 00:43:20,759
Speaker 2: a space where you've broken up with the person and

701
00:43:20,880 --> 00:43:26,440
Speaker 2: your friends engaged in bashing them, you get back together

702
00:43:26,520 --> 00:43:30,640
Speaker 2: with them, you might not feel safe or comfortable sharing

703
00:43:30,840 --> 00:43:34,640
Speaker 2: any information about your relationship anymore because at this point,

704
00:43:34,719 --> 00:43:36,320
Speaker 2: you know how your friends feel about.

705
00:43:36,120 --> 00:43:38,280
Speaker 4: Them, right yep.

706
00:43:39,760 --> 00:43:43,400
Speaker 2: Now, hopefully you and your friends are in a space

707
00:43:43,520 --> 00:43:48,359
Speaker 2: where they may have bashed that person, but they are

708
00:43:48,400 --> 00:43:53,200
Speaker 2: willing to support you in what makes you feel good.

709
00:43:54,440 --> 00:43:57,319
Speaker 2: They might not like it, but they will support you,

710
00:43:59,560 --> 00:44:04,080
Speaker 2: and they can move past the bashing of your ex

711
00:44:04,600 --> 00:44:11,680
Speaker 2: now new partner, and they can be there for you

712
00:44:11,880 --> 00:44:18,000
Speaker 2: in a way that you need. Now, I will say

713
00:44:18,040 --> 00:44:21,560
Speaker 2: there is a caveat to that. There are sometimes when

714
00:44:22,520 --> 00:44:24,640
Speaker 2: it is appropriate and it is okay to draw a

715
00:44:24,680 --> 00:44:30,160
Speaker 2: line as the friend right if the partner is being

716
00:44:30,200 --> 00:44:34,640
Speaker 2: if that person's partner is being abusive or engaging in

717
00:44:34,680 --> 00:44:39,600
Speaker 2: behavior that conflicts with your values as a friend, you

718
00:44:39,800 --> 00:44:45,800
Speaker 2: can say you know, I love you and I want

719
00:44:45,800 --> 00:44:51,400
Speaker 2: you to be happy. However, I cannot be a part

720
00:44:51,560 --> 00:44:57,920
Speaker 2: of this how you this particular relationship. Yeah, and so

721
00:44:58,200 --> 00:45:05,200
Speaker 2: for our friendship, I am not in a place to

722
00:45:05,280 --> 00:45:10,680
Speaker 2: hear about how things are going in your relationship. I

723
00:45:10,760 --> 00:45:14,520
Speaker 2: am no longer that friend. For that. I can support

724
00:45:14,560 --> 00:45:17,240
Speaker 2: you in other areas of your life, but I cannot

725
00:45:17,239 --> 00:45:21,759
Speaker 2: support you in this romantic relationship. If you ever have

726
00:45:21,840 --> 00:45:24,920
Speaker 2: an emergency and you need help, I am here for

727
00:45:24,960 --> 00:45:27,600
Speaker 2: you as your friend, but I cannot engage in the

728
00:45:27,680 --> 00:45:28,719
Speaker 2: day to day dynamics.

729
00:45:29,920 --> 00:45:31,960
Speaker 4: Mm hmm. That's so hard to do as a friend

730
00:45:32,040 --> 00:45:34,440
Speaker 4: because I've definitely been there. But at the end of

731
00:45:34,480 --> 00:45:37,080
Speaker 4: the day, it kind of goes back to what we've

732
00:45:37,080 --> 00:45:38,920
Speaker 4: talked about in previous episodes. You have to fill your

733
00:45:38,920 --> 00:45:42,719
Speaker 4: cup first, and if someone's pulling you into toxicity, and

734
00:45:42,840 --> 00:45:45,759
Speaker 4: especially me growing up in a dysfunctional, abusive household and

735
00:45:45,800 --> 00:45:48,359
Speaker 4: then having I've had friends that were involved in those

736
00:45:48,360 --> 00:45:52,200
Speaker 4: types of dynamics, and then I was now witnessing more

737
00:45:52,280 --> 00:45:54,160
Speaker 4: of that trauma. I was like, I love you, but

738
00:45:54,440 --> 00:45:57,920
Speaker 4: I can't, especially when it's like we've had the conversation

739
00:45:58,040 --> 00:46:01,720
Speaker 4: that this probably isn't a good fit, you know, So yes,

740
00:46:01,760 --> 00:46:04,280
Speaker 4: I would agree with everything you said. They're setting boundaries

741
00:46:04,400 --> 00:46:07,160
Speaker 4: are important. Also, another tough thing that comes up when

742
00:46:07,160 --> 00:46:09,960
Speaker 4: it comes to the divorce or relationship breakup is kind

743
00:46:09,960 --> 00:46:12,960
Speaker 4: of choosing sidescuse, especially if you're friends with both of

744
00:46:13,120 --> 00:46:17,040
Speaker 4: the individuals, that can always be tricky. I usually just

745
00:46:17,280 --> 00:46:20,080
Speaker 4: stick with who I was friends with first. That's usually

746
00:46:20,120 --> 00:46:21,840
Speaker 4: how it goes, Like whoever I was friends with first,

747
00:46:22,160 --> 00:46:24,919
Speaker 4: whoever is interested in like keeping the connection going, because

748
00:46:24,920 --> 00:46:27,960
Speaker 4: sometimes when people break up they just want to all

749
00:46:28,040 --> 00:46:30,920
Speaker 4: new friends if they have mutual friends. So that's a

750
00:46:30,960 --> 00:46:34,520
Speaker 4: tricky one to navigate, but it kind of takes us

751
00:46:34,560 --> 00:46:37,600
Speaker 4: into the next one here, which is conflict or tension

752
00:46:37,680 --> 00:46:43,879
Speaker 4: between you and your friend's partner. Oh, conflict, yes, I've

753
00:46:43,920 --> 00:46:47,320
Speaker 4: dealt with that before. I think that the tension between

754
00:46:47,520 --> 00:46:49,359
Speaker 4: me and a friend's partner. I don't really think I've

755
00:46:49,400 --> 00:46:55,440
Speaker 4: dealt with that one, Nah, not really. What about you, Dom, I'm.

756
00:46:55,280 --> 00:47:00,920
Speaker 2: Trying to recall not necessarily tension. Yeah, I have dated

757
00:47:01,480 --> 00:47:06,040
Speaker 2: and my friends have dated people that we don't like. Right,

758
00:47:06,360 --> 00:47:09,920
Speaker 2: So like friends date, Yeah, I've dated people that I've

759
00:47:09,960 --> 00:47:13,120
Speaker 2: dated men that, like my friends didn't really like. Right,

760
00:47:14,400 --> 00:47:19,120
Speaker 2: my friends have dated people that I didn't really like.

761
00:47:20,360 --> 00:47:25,160
Speaker 2: If you ask my opinion, I will give it to you.

762
00:47:26,960 --> 00:47:33,360
Speaker 2: But I am not going to offer unsolicited opinions and

763
00:47:33,440 --> 00:47:40,800
Speaker 2: advice on your relationship, especially especially especially if I don't

764
00:47:40,880 --> 00:47:41,520
Speaker 2: like that person.

765
00:47:42,320 --> 00:47:44,440
Speaker 4: Got you okay, because.

766
00:47:44,160 --> 00:47:47,680
Speaker 2: It's your relationship. At the end of the day, I

767
00:47:47,719 --> 00:47:49,240
Speaker 2: don't have to like that person.

768
00:47:50,680 --> 00:47:51,240
Speaker 4: That's fair.

769
00:47:51,760 --> 00:47:56,040
Speaker 2: Can I be cordial and respectful? So can we be

770
00:47:56,200 --> 00:48:00,680
Speaker 2: in the same social setting. I'm at a level maturity

771
00:48:00,719 --> 00:48:03,480
Speaker 2: that yes, I can, as long as both of us,

772
00:48:03,480 --> 00:48:09,520
Speaker 2: as long as that respect is mutual. Yeah, I can

773
00:48:09,600 --> 00:48:11,680
Speaker 2: show up and have dinner at your house. I ain't

774
00:48:11,680 --> 00:48:15,080
Speaker 2: gotta like do but if but if dude is treating

775
00:48:15,120 --> 00:48:19,480
Speaker 2: you well and you are happy, cool, and we're.

776
00:48:19,400 --> 00:48:21,439
Speaker 4: Cool, I'm gonna show up.

777
00:48:21,840 --> 00:48:25,680
Speaker 2: We can engage in small talk and it will be

778
00:48:25,920 --> 00:48:28,719
Speaker 2: It will be fine because that is how I'm supporting

779
00:48:28,760 --> 00:48:34,560
Speaker 2: you as a friend, And chances are I'm gonna engage

780
00:48:34,600 --> 00:48:38,440
Speaker 2: with that person. Your partner very minimally and focus my

781
00:48:38,480 --> 00:48:43,840
Speaker 2: attention on you. Now, if you ask, don't ask questions

782
00:48:43,880 --> 00:48:48,240
Speaker 2: you don't want the answer to, because then I'll share.

783
00:48:48,560 --> 00:48:51,680
Speaker 2: I will be honest because that's what we do in friendships.

784
00:48:53,320 --> 00:48:56,160
Speaker 2: But if you don't ask, I'm keeping my mouth closed.

785
00:48:56,400 --> 00:48:59,680
Speaker 4: Don't ask, don't tell. Thats good. I feel that, Okay.

786
00:49:00,600 --> 00:49:02,600
Speaker 4: I think if I experienced that, I'd probably be in

787
00:49:02,600 --> 00:49:04,719
Speaker 4: the same boat where it's like, it's not my relationship

788
00:49:05,200 --> 00:49:08,600
Speaker 4: and I'll keep it to myself unless the person is like,

789
00:49:09,440 --> 00:49:11,799
Speaker 4: excuse less, are disrespectful and they treat you in certain

790
00:49:11,800 --> 00:49:13,719
Speaker 4: ways like I don't even want to be around you know.

791
00:49:13,760 --> 00:49:14,799
Speaker 4: But I feel that.

792
00:49:15,760 --> 00:49:18,719
Speaker 2: As long as we're respectful, it's cool. The moment you

793
00:49:18,760 --> 00:49:22,920
Speaker 2: get out of pocket, somebody's going to say something exactly.

794
00:49:23,280 --> 00:49:27,000
Speaker 4: Yeah, no, I feel that. All right, y'all. So we

795
00:49:27,120 --> 00:49:32,320
Speaker 4: have one last I guess, not a scenario, but situation

796
00:49:32,440 --> 00:49:36,880
Speaker 4: that we navigate with friends. And this is achievement. And

797
00:49:36,920 --> 00:49:39,640
Speaker 4: I think this is an interesting one, don because I

798
00:49:39,640 --> 00:49:43,839
Speaker 4: feel like I've been in situations where, you know, as

799
00:49:43,920 --> 00:49:47,120
Speaker 4: high achieving black women, I'm sure we've many of us

800
00:49:47,120 --> 00:49:50,399
Speaker 4: have been in these situations. But I'm playing but not really,

801
00:49:50,760 --> 00:49:55,520
Speaker 4: but where you have achieved something and your friends are

802
00:49:55,520 --> 00:49:59,400
Speaker 4: super supportive. They you know, you get in like you

803
00:49:59,480 --> 00:50:02,400
Speaker 4: get in love, genuine good energy, all that good stuff.

804
00:50:02,719 --> 00:50:07,400
Speaker 4: And then there may be times where you don't get supported,

805
00:50:07,520 --> 00:50:09,600
Speaker 4: or you feel weird vibe, or you feel a little

806
00:50:09,600 --> 00:50:13,160
Speaker 4: bit of envy or jealousy, or you're in a situation

807
00:50:13,200 --> 00:50:16,040
Speaker 4: where your friend may be trying to achieve the same

808
00:50:16,040 --> 00:50:18,160
Speaker 4: thing as you, but maybe you get it and they don't.

809
00:50:18,640 --> 00:50:21,000
Speaker 4: And navigating all that. So there's so much that can

810
00:50:21,040 --> 00:50:26,959
Speaker 4: come with achievement. I know for me, Dom, the first

811
00:50:26,960 --> 00:50:29,920
Speaker 4: thing that comes to mind for me is pregnancy because

812
00:50:30,000 --> 00:50:32,000
Speaker 4: I was on this pregnancy journey for so long, and

813
00:50:32,040 --> 00:50:33,880
Speaker 4: my best friend was pregnant at the same time as me.

814
00:50:34,000 --> 00:50:37,640
Speaker 4: We were both pregnant, and I had a miscarriage and

815
00:50:38,640 --> 00:50:40,120
Speaker 4: I kept for the next year. I was trying to

816
00:50:40,120 --> 00:50:42,719
Speaker 4: get pregnant again, and I remember I shared this with you, Dom.

817
00:50:42,719 --> 00:50:44,080
Speaker 4: I went to go visit my best friend and I

818
00:50:44,080 --> 00:50:46,799
Speaker 4: had a chance to hold her bait, her newborn. I

819
00:50:46,880 --> 00:50:49,440
Speaker 4: was so excited. And one of the things I was

820
00:50:49,480 --> 00:50:53,359
Speaker 4: working through in therapy is how you can have these

821
00:50:53,360 --> 00:50:56,480
Speaker 4: simultaneous feelings, like these feelings at one time, so there

822
00:50:56,520 --> 00:51:00,360
Speaker 4: can be this genuine excitement and love or your friend,

823
00:51:01,000 --> 00:51:04,560
Speaker 4: and you can also feel damn, when is my time?

824
00:51:04,680 --> 00:51:07,080
Speaker 4: I want my time as well. And so I wouldn't

825
00:51:07,080 --> 00:51:10,480
Speaker 4: say that I really faced any envy or jealousy at

826
00:51:10,520 --> 00:51:12,759
Speaker 4: that stage in my journey, but I had these two

827
00:51:12,800 --> 00:51:16,200
Speaker 4: strong emotions at one time. I'm happy for you and

828
00:51:16,280 --> 00:51:19,359
Speaker 4: I want my own to which can be super complex, right,

829
00:51:19,680 --> 00:51:21,480
Speaker 4: yes it can. So that's what comes up for me

830
00:51:21,600 --> 00:51:25,160
Speaker 4: around achievement. What about you, dom What kind of experiences

831
00:51:25,160 --> 00:51:25,759
Speaker 4: have you had?

832
00:51:26,640 --> 00:51:28,560
Speaker 2: You know, when I think about that, I think about

833
00:51:29,080 --> 00:51:34,680
Speaker 2: not necessarily professional achievement, just for me personally, because I

834
00:51:35,000 --> 00:51:38,480
Speaker 2: you know, I'm blessed, like I have such an amazing

835
00:51:38,520 --> 00:51:42,840
Speaker 2: community of folks around me that through each of the

836
00:51:42,960 --> 00:51:48,680
Speaker 2: various professional career achievements that I've experienced, like folks have

837
00:51:48,880 --> 00:51:51,960
Speaker 2: been super supportive and celebratory.

838
00:51:52,680 --> 00:51:55,680
Speaker 4: You know, It's amazing and I'm.

839
00:51:55,600 --> 00:51:59,719
Speaker 2: So grateful for that. So that, yeah, I can think

840
00:51:59,760 --> 00:52:05,560
Speaker 2: of a couple of instances where people weren't as supportive

841
00:52:06,480 --> 00:52:10,759
Speaker 2: because they were dealing with navigating their own stuff, and

842
00:52:10,800 --> 00:52:15,120
Speaker 2: I didn't take it personally right, like, I recognize that

843
00:52:16,040 --> 00:52:20,640
Speaker 2: they might be having a hard time in seeing me

844
00:52:20,840 --> 00:52:23,880
Speaker 2: achieve the thing that they were also wanting to achieve.

845
00:52:25,200 --> 00:52:29,160
Speaker 3: And so for me, it was but I'm not gonna

846
00:52:29,160 --> 00:52:33,279
Speaker 3: dim my lights. I am not gonna I am not

847
00:52:33,520 --> 00:52:40,160
Speaker 3: gonna stop my celebration because you were feeling away, you

848
00:52:40,239 --> 00:52:44,000
Speaker 3: were not feeling good about your situation. For me, it

849
00:52:44,040 --> 00:52:45,479
Speaker 3: goes back to the example that.

850
00:52:45,440 --> 00:52:50,719
Speaker 2: You gave right of the boat and that you can

851
00:52:50,920 --> 00:52:56,880
Speaker 2: celebrate me and still have your own feelings. Right in

852
00:52:56,920 --> 00:52:59,680
Speaker 2: this instance, I'm focused on celebrating me.

853
00:53:00,320 --> 00:53:00,759
Speaker 3: Mm hmm.

854
00:53:02,600 --> 00:53:07,319
Speaker 2: I can have empathy for what you're going through, but

855
00:53:07,440 --> 00:53:11,799
Speaker 2: I'm not gonna stop my celebration to wallow with you.

856
00:53:12,120 --> 00:53:14,799
Speaker 2: That's just not in that moment. I'm not That's not

857
00:53:14,840 --> 00:53:19,160
Speaker 2: where I'm at now. When I am finished my celebrating.

858
00:53:20,120 --> 00:53:23,279
Speaker 2: If you are still in that space, I am more

859
00:53:23,320 --> 00:53:26,920
Speaker 2: than happy to join you and support you in that space.

860
00:53:27,400 --> 00:53:31,640
Speaker 2: But in my moment of celebration, it's my moment of celebration,

861
00:53:31,800 --> 00:53:36,280
Speaker 2: like I can't. I can't bring myself to that space

862
00:53:36,320 --> 00:53:38,600
Speaker 2: with you on that level.

863
00:53:39,120 --> 00:53:43,160
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's fair, that's fair, And that's complicated too, because

864
00:53:43,160 --> 00:53:47,480
Speaker 4: I think about ooh, I'm thinking about dom. When my

865
00:53:47,600 --> 00:53:50,680
Speaker 4: friend was trying to figure out how to engage with me.

866
00:53:51,160 --> 00:53:53,080
Speaker 4: She didn't even know how to engage because she was like, Okay,

867
00:53:53,160 --> 00:53:55,319
Speaker 4: well I have my baby, like I have.

868
00:53:56,760 --> 00:53:57,040
Speaker 3: Joy.

869
00:53:57,280 --> 00:53:58,920
Speaker 4: Yeah, I don't know what I can share with you.

870
00:53:59,000 --> 00:54:00,840
Speaker 4: So we kept the open and then we kept the

871
00:54:00,840 --> 00:54:03,440
Speaker 4: conversation going. And I think one of the most important

872
00:54:03,440 --> 00:54:06,360
Speaker 4: things it goes back to communication. So when you were achieving,

873
00:54:06,920 --> 00:54:09,359
Speaker 4: if your friend did it, I think, have an open

874
00:54:09,400 --> 00:54:12,479
Speaker 4: and honest communication, because some days you may feel enva

875
00:54:12,560 --> 00:54:14,799
Speaker 4: jealousy and so letting your friend they're like, girl, I

876
00:54:14,840 --> 00:54:16,880
Speaker 4: am so proud of you, but I'm really struggling, and

877
00:54:16,920 --> 00:54:19,920
Speaker 4: if you have to take space, takes space. But I

878
00:54:19,960 --> 00:54:22,960
Speaker 4: think that it's important to be open and have that

879
00:54:23,000 --> 00:54:25,880
Speaker 4: communication because you deserve to celebrate your success.

880
00:54:25,520 --> 00:54:25,759
Speaker 3: You know.

881
00:54:26,160 --> 00:54:28,600
Speaker 4: And so yeah, that's really interesting.

882
00:54:28,600 --> 00:54:28,680
Speaker 3: Now.

883
00:54:28,760 --> 00:54:31,200
Speaker 4: I think about even you and I when we started

884
00:54:31,239 --> 00:54:33,520
Speaker 4: our we were both manifesting at the same time. You

885
00:54:33,560 --> 00:54:37,399
Speaker 4: were getting your license and I was trying to have

886
00:54:37,520 --> 00:54:41,759
Speaker 4: my baby, and praise God, we both literally got it

887
00:54:41,800 --> 00:54:43,719
Speaker 4: around the same time, and we got our wish, our

888
00:54:43,840 --> 00:54:46,520
Speaker 4: dream at the same time. But who knows how it

889
00:54:46,560 --> 00:54:48,440
Speaker 4: would have been if we were both trying to, you know,

890
00:54:48,480 --> 00:54:51,239
Speaker 4: get our own achievement, whatever that may have been. But

891
00:54:51,320 --> 00:54:55,320
Speaker 4: we had this sort of shifted timetable, so definitely interesting stuff,

892
00:54:55,400 --> 00:54:57,960
Speaker 4: Lots to talk about when it comes to navigating friendships

893
00:54:58,000 --> 00:55:01,480
Speaker 4: and life's challenges. Lady, I don't know dom anything else

894
00:55:01,520 --> 00:55:04,560
Speaker 4: we should talk about here or do you feel yeah?

895
00:55:04,600 --> 00:55:07,520
Speaker 2: I think just to emphasize the importance going back to

896
00:55:07,560 --> 00:55:10,720
Speaker 2: what we said at the beginning about the foundation right

897
00:55:11,239 --> 00:55:15,040
Speaker 2: of you will be able to navigate each of these

898
00:55:15,040 --> 00:55:18,960
Speaker 2: scenarios and any other scenario that comes up when you

899
00:55:19,080 --> 00:55:27,120
Speaker 2: have a solid foundation, but also recognizing that sometimes conflict

900
00:55:27,239 --> 00:55:31,400
Speaker 2: comes up or these situations arise and it shows you

901
00:55:31,600 --> 00:55:34,279
Speaker 2: one who you are as a friend and who your

902
00:55:34,320 --> 00:55:38,640
Speaker 2: friends are, and it might mean that you all are

903
00:55:38,640 --> 00:55:44,040
Speaker 2: not aligned and that this friendship might not be the

904
00:55:44,080 --> 00:55:48,840
Speaker 2: friendship for you. And when we go back to the

905
00:55:49,000 --> 00:55:58,520
Speaker 2: honest communication, it may mean having a conversation around maybe

906
00:55:58,520 --> 00:56:02,600
Speaker 2: it's time for us to and go our suffered ways.

907
00:56:03,920 --> 00:56:07,160
Speaker 4: Ooh, what a way to end the show down. I

908
00:56:07,160 --> 00:56:09,560
Speaker 4: feel like, Okay, in the after show, we have to

909
00:56:09,560 --> 00:56:12,440
Speaker 4: talk about let me know if you're comfortable sharing this.

910
00:56:12,520 --> 00:56:14,640
Speaker 4: I want to talk about caring for friends and pro

911
00:56:14,719 --> 00:56:17,800
Speaker 4: tips on how to be the friend, but then also

912
00:56:18,360 --> 00:56:21,120
Speaker 4: a juicy story about when we've had to cut off

913
00:56:21,120 --> 00:56:24,279
Speaker 4: a friend or like just discontinue relationship. So lady, go

914
00:56:24,280 --> 00:56:27,279
Speaker 4: ahead and visit her Space podcast dot com, click on

915
00:56:27,440 --> 00:56:30,640
Speaker 4: Patreon and come and join us for the after show.

916
00:56:30,680 --> 00:56:32,960
Speaker 4: Also for the video so you can take a look

917
00:56:33,000 --> 00:56:35,800
Speaker 4: at us actually recording the podcast and I just listen

918
00:56:35,840 --> 00:56:37,760
Speaker 4: to us, so we will see you on the other side.

919
00:56:37,800 --> 00:56:39,360
Speaker 4: Don let's keep ready for the after show.

920
00:56:39,719 --> 00:56:45,080
Speaker 3: All right, Hey, lady, is doctor dom here from the

921
00:56:45,120 --> 00:56:49,560
Speaker 3: Cultivating her Space podcast. Are you currently a resident of

922
00:56:49,560 --> 00:56:54,839
Speaker 3: the state of California and contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well,

923
00:56:54,880 --> 00:56:59,080
Speaker 3: if so, please reach out to me at doctor Dominique

924
00:56:59,120 --> 00:56:59,960
Speaker 3: Brusard dot com.

925
00:57:00,880 --> 00:57:05,719
Speaker 2: That's d R D O M I N I q

926
00:57:06,040 --> 00:57:08,680
Speaker 2: U E b R O U.

927
00:57:09,200 --> 00:57:14,320
Speaker 3: Ss ar D dot com to schedule a free fifteen

928
00:57:14,400 --> 00:57:19,880
Speaker 3: minute consultation. I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks

929
00:57:19,960 --> 00:57:24,040
Speaker 3: for joining us today. Please note that our show may

930
00:57:24,040 --> 00:57:30,640
Speaker 3: contain conversations about self help, advice, self empowerment, and mental health,

931
00:57:31,040 --> 00:57:33,919
Speaker 3: but is by no means meant to be a substitute

932
00:57:34,000 --> 00:57:38,440
Speaker 3: for an ongoing formal relationship with a trained mental health provider.

933
00:57:39,240 --> 00:57:41,960
Speaker 3: If you are someone you know is in need of

934
00:57:42,000 --> 00:57:45,560
Speaker 3: mental health care, please visit a therapy for Black Girls

935
00:57:45,600 --> 00:57:50,800
Speaker 3: directory Psychology Today, or contact your insurance provider.

936
00:57:51,040 --> 00:57:52,800
Speaker 4: If you liked what you heard and want to keep

937
00:57:52,800 --> 00:57:57,240
Speaker 4: the conversation going, visit our website at herspace podcast dot

938
00:57:57,280 --> 00:57:59,800
Speaker 4: com and be sure to click the Patreon tab to

939
00:57:59,800 --> 00:58:03,880
Speaker 4: get access to video content bonuses in our weekly after

940
00:58:03,960 --> 00:58:08,280
Speaker 4: show and before We Meet Again, repeat after me, I

941
00:58:08,320 --> 00:58:10,680
Speaker 4: am worthy of a happy life.