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Speaker 1: The holiday season is officially upon us. This means parties,

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Speaker 1: twinkling lights, crisp chill in the air, matching pajamas, brightly

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Speaker 1: colored decorations, and a million broken promises about my diet

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Speaker 1: because your girl loves a side dish and a festive cocktail.

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Speaker 1: For some of us, it also means a lot of

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Speaker 1: family gatherings, and sometimes that family time comes with a

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Speaker 1: lot of stress and anxiety. In a survey commission by

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Speaker 1: the Parigo Company, more than fifteen percent of respondents admitted

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Speaker 1: that participating in general conversation with family stresses them out.

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Speaker 2: And listen.

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Speaker 1: If you're someone who has a completely easy relationship with

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Speaker 1: all of your family, I say good for you. I

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Speaker 1: celebrate you and your healthy boundaries. However, that's not everyone's family.

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Speaker 1: Some of us like to spend these family filled holidays

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Speaker 1: hiding in the pantry with a bottle of wine and

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Speaker 1: the rest of the creamed spinach, dodging questions about our

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Speaker 1: love lives, and avoiding explaining to your older relatives what

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Speaker 1: is a podcast and how does one make a living

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Speaker 1: doing that?

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Speaker 2: But I digress.

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Speaker 1: According to Lara Health, navigating family conflict is one of

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Speaker 1: the biggest stressors during the holiday season, and it's no wonder.

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Speaker 1: You get a bunch of people in a room who

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Speaker 1: potentially have nothing in common other than blood and a

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Speaker 1: shared genealogical history, and you sprinkle in some awkward conversations

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Speaker 1: with misguided intentions and add a splash of family beef

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Speaker 1: older than your cousin's marriage, and it's a recipe for

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Speaker 1: anxiety pie. The older we get, the more complicated these

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Speaker 1: relationships become. We go from being the waddling toddlers dependent

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Speaker 1: upon the adults around us, two angsty teenagers embarrassed by

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Speaker 1: everything our family members do or say, to adults who

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Speaker 1: are fighting to be seated as equals among the aging

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Speaker 1: grown ups. So how can we plan ahead this year,

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Speaker 1: set healthy boundaries, establish our adulthood, and actually enjoy the

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Speaker 1: holidays with our families? Start taking notes, because this.

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Speaker 3: Is grown up stuff.

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Speaker 1: A Happy Turkey day to one and all, and welcome

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Speaker 1: to another episode of grown Up Stuff, How to Adult,

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Speaker 1: the show where we learn about grown up concepts like

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Speaker 1: regression and therapy. As always, I am Molly and I'm

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Speaker 1: joined by my co host Matt Stillo. And if you

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Speaker 1: are listening to this episode the day it's released, then

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Speaker 1: it is the eve of Thanksgiving Eve, or drinks Giving

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Speaker 1: Eve to many. Matt's Happy almost Turkey Day to you,

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Speaker 1: my friend. Do you have any big Turkey Day plans?

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Speaker 4: Well, like many people who have family across the country,

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Speaker 4: we're not doing anything too big for Thanksgiving. We'll be

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Speaker 4: spending more time with family and friends over the Christmas

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Speaker 4: and New Year's holidays. But my sister is coming over

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Speaker 4: joining my wife and I in taking a new spin

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Speaker 4: on some Thanksgiving classics in the kitchen, so we're looking

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Speaker 4: forward to that.

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Speaker 1: Ye.

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Speaker 5: What about you? Wow?

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Speaker 1: Wow, Wow, that sounds perfect similarly to you. Even though

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Speaker 1: I'm not spending things Giving with most of my family,

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Speaker 1: I'll be spending Christmas with them, and I'm already preparing

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Speaker 1: for those moments of what my therapist likes to label

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Speaker 1: as regression. Oh, those scenarios where someone in my family

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Speaker 1: does something to infuriate me and I hit a boiling

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Speaker 1: rage that I have not experienced since I was sixteen

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Speaker 1: years old and my parents grounded me for getting a

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Speaker 1: sea in chemistry.

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Speaker 2: So I am.

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Speaker 1: Also the youngest among my siblings, so I'm constantly battling

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Speaker 1: being seen as an adult in my family. But Matt

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Speaker 1: you know enough about me and my family issues, what

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Speaker 1: about you? Because I imagine the Stillo family holiday to

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Speaker 1: be charades and laughter by the fire with everyone in

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Speaker 1: matching pajamas.

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Speaker 2: Like, am I painting an accurate picture here?

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Speaker 5: It's not that it's I hate that a little bit.

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Speaker 5: I'm glad, but that we're not like that. I feel like,

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Speaker 5: whenever you see those Christmas cards, you're like, no, come on,

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Speaker 5: that's not real. This is not real.

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Speaker 4: No, we are not a Hallmark family, and honestly, who

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Speaker 4: would want to be? That sounds kind of boring. No,

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Speaker 4: We've got some big personalities in my family. We've got

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Speaker 4: some big political divides that can boil to the surface

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Speaker 4: from time to time, depending on how many drinks we've had,

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Speaker 4: what time of day it is, the conversation at hand.

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Speaker 5: But we have a lot of fun too.

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Speaker 4: We decorate the house, we make delicious food, we sit

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Speaker 4: around and watch National Lamput's Cristification. So we're just like

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Speaker 4: you know, every other typical American family.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, exactly, And I'm so glad that we're talking

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Speaker 1: about this right now because this, all of this, the

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Speaker 1: family dynamics during the holidays, is exactly what we are

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Speaker 1: going to dig into with our guests.

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Speaker 5: That's right.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, today we're going to navigate the holidays with our

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Speaker 4: families like adults, and doctor George James is here to

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Speaker 4: help us do just that.

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Speaker 1: Doctor James is a licensed marriage and family therapist who

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Speaker 1: counsels people on how to overcome everyday relational struggles.

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Speaker 4: With a master's degree in family therapy and a doctorate

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Speaker 4: in clinical psychology, Doctor James is also so an assistant

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Speaker 4: professor for the Couples and Family Therapy Program at Thomas

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Speaker 4: Jefferson University.

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Speaker 1: He has counseled professional athletes, entertainers, men, women, couples, executives,

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Speaker 1: and more on topics like adulting, career development, anxiety, parenting,

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Speaker 1: and so much more, and has appeared on The Today

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Speaker 1: Show CNBC and quoted in huff Post and Ebony.

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Speaker 4: He also hosts the podcast leap Cast, where doctor James

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Speaker 4: explores the unexamined human moments with his very successful guests.

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Speaker 1: Doctor George James, Welcome to grown up Stuff, How to Adult.

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Speaker 1: We are so glad to have you here.

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Speaker 3: I am excited to be here. Thank you both for

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Speaker 3: this opportunity just to share and talk with you both.

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Speaker 3: And so this is going to be a good time.

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Speaker 2: Oh, it's going to be a good time.

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Speaker 1: There might be tears, there might be laughter hiding tears.

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Speaker 1: We're here for all of it because today we are

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Speaker 1: talking through how to survive the holidays with our family

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Speaker 1: like adults, and how to establish ourselves as adults in

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Speaker 1: a family that has only seen us as little kids.

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Speaker 1: So we're this out two days before Thanksgiving, so a

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Speaker 1: lot of us are getting into that emotional preparation mode.

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Speaker 1: They're putting the boundaries up, they're putting the emotional armor on.

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Speaker 1: How can we best prepare ourselves before we even head

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Speaker 1: to our families' homes so that we can make the

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Speaker 1: most out of these holiday experiences and we can actually

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Speaker 1: enjoy them.

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Speaker 3: Get you know, I think this is just awesome, the

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Speaker 3: thought of like being able to think about what it

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Speaker 3: means to go home for the holidays or to prepare

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Speaker 3: yourself for it. I don't remember doing that. I don't

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Speaker 3: remember having anyone to help me do that. I just

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Speaker 3: remember going home and just being in the middle of it.

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Speaker 5: So time to prepare beforehand is probably the key.

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Speaker 3: Yes, yes, very much so. And I think some of

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Speaker 3: this is just being able to think about what does

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Speaker 3: home really mean for me? Or what is that experience? Like,

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Speaker 3: you know, who am I going to talk to, what's

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Speaker 3: going to be the awkward moments, what's going to feel great?

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Speaker 3: Who do I miss? Who's going to hug me too much?

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Speaker 3: What is overwhelming? And what do I want to do?

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Speaker 3: What are the things that when they say it or

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Speaker 3: when it comes up, it's going to be a trigger

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Speaker 3: for you, or it's going to be overwhelming, or it

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Speaker 3: just blows up and becomes the worst thing ever. And

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Speaker 3: I think like if you can know that, then you

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Speaker 3: know when it's time to tap out, when it's time

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Speaker 3: to say, like, hey, let me call a friend, or

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Speaker 3: let me go do something else, or let me go

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Speaker 3: clean whatever it is that you need to do to

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Speaker 3: escape that moment. But once again, thinking about it ahead

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Speaker 3: of time is so important because if we don't, what

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Speaker 3: we tend to do is we end up reacting. Right,

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Speaker 3: So what we're trying to get to is the ability

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Speaker 3: to have a response versus a reaction. When we're in

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Speaker 3: the moment, we just react. It's so fast, it's so quick,

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Speaker 3: and usually those reactions aren't always the best. But if

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Speaker 3: we can have a response, meaning that we think about

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Speaker 3: it we're clear about what we want to do or

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Speaker 3: what we hope to do, we know when those trigger

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Speaker 3: areas are we can probably make the best decision for

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Speaker 3: us and the situation.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, So it could be as simple as like, you know,

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Speaker 4: your parents really want you to be in a relationship

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Speaker 4: but really pushing to get married, and that's something that's

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Speaker 4: it's difficult for you, or you're not you don't want

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Speaker 4: to talk about it. Maybe it's as simple as setting

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Speaker 4: that text beforehand, like Hey, you know, I'm coming up

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Speaker 4: for the holidays. I'm excited to see you guys, but

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Speaker 4: like just you know, like my personal relationship, my personal life.

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Speaker 4: You know that that's something that I'm not ready to

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Speaker 4: talk about this year, and I would appreciate maybe your

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Speaker 4: your respect in that area, and that can kind of

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Speaker 4: just set those boundaries in place and then you won't

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Speaker 4: get into those those difficult situations.

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Speaker 3: I so hope. So, I mean, Matt, what you just

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Speaker 3: brought up is so great, And you know, families tend

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Speaker 3: to be pretty pushy.

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Speaker 1: So I was just gonna say, what do you do

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Speaker 1: about the family who thinks your reactions are funny and

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Speaker 1: thinks your boundaries are funny?

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Speaker 3: Right? You're so cute. Yeah, tell me what's happening with

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Speaker 3: your love life?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, uh huh right.

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Speaker 3: Seriously, I do agree though, that boundaries are so important

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Speaker 3: and necessary. I think that if you can let your

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Speaker 3: family know ahead of time, like you mentioned, that's really great.

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Speaker 3: What usually needs to happen, and this is across the

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Speaker 3: board with our family, with our friends, with our partner,

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Speaker 3: or whoever it might be, we usually need to let

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Speaker 3: them know our boundaries multiple times, so we can tell

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Speaker 3: them ahead of time. Hey, I can't wait to be home.

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Speaker 3: I just want you to know my love life is

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Speaker 3: off limits this holiday, or I'm not going to be

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Speaker 3: talking about it, or I'm okay. And then when you

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Speaker 3: actually get home, you got to say it again. You

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Speaker 3: got to remind them of the boundary, because what happens

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Speaker 3: is that they'll keep asking you and eventually you say,

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Speaker 3: all right, I'm dating or I'm not dating, leave me alone.

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Speaker 3: And so you just got to be consistent with reminding

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Speaker 3: your family with boundaries.

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Speaker 1: According to the online therapy service Betterhealth, boundaries are rules

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Speaker 1: we set for our bodies, emotions, time, belongings, and relationships,

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Speaker 1: and are not rules about how someone else should act

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Speaker 1: or live. So we can say to our parents, I'm

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Speaker 1: not going to answer your questions about when I'm getting

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Speaker 1: married or having a baby, or why I'm still single,

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Speaker 1: because that's controlling what we do and we're not telling them.

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Speaker 1: You need to start focusing on your own life and

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Speaker 1: not mine. Setting boundaries can be challenging if we've never

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Speaker 1: had to do it before with our family, Taking time

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Speaker 1: to reflect on your needs and your triggers before you

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Speaker 1: set those boundaries can be a really good first step.

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Speaker 1: As we take this time ahead of these gatherings to

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Speaker 1: reflect and set our boundaries. It's also important to reflect

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Speaker 1: on how we manage our own expectations for the holidays

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Speaker 1: and what influences maybe creating unrealistic standards.

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Speaker 4: A lot of people say is in the social media age,

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Speaker 4: comparison is a theft of joy. You see people's lives

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Speaker 4: out there and comparing it to your own can kind

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Speaker 4: of like make you feel horrible.

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Speaker 5: You know.

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Speaker 4: I think another huge trigger for this time of year

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Speaker 4: is like everyone has these unrealistic Maybe it's too many

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Speaker 4: Hallmark movies, but everyone has unrealistic expectations of how the

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Speaker 4: holidas are supposed to go, and it's never ever like that,

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Speaker 4: So now, how can we like go into the holidays,

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Speaker 4: maybe setting realistic expectations like what is the best like

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Speaker 4: mechanism for you know, letting things be what they will be.

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Speaker 3: So far, right, we're really talking about the outside, what

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Speaker 3: do you need to do to really prepare others for

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Speaker 3: where you are? What you're saying now is what do

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Speaker 3: we need to do to prepare ourselves internally? Because yeah,

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Speaker 3: sometimes we have to recognize that we are struggling. While

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Speaker 3: we don't want to talk about our love life is

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Speaker 3: because internally we're like it sucks, and so we start

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Speaker 3: to compare, and internally I'm already feeling maybe jealous, maybe upset,

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Speaker 3: maybe sad, maybe overwhelmed. And yes, social media, Hallmark movies.

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Speaker 3: I think there are those things of recognizing that what

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Speaker 3: we see on the outside, what we see with other

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Speaker 3: people is not always perfect. It's always what they want

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Speaker 3: to show us, and therefore we do the same thing.

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Speaker 3: And to recognize that our life doesn't have to be perfect.

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Speaker 3: We just don't want it to be unhealthy.

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Speaker 4: I feel like the thing that that helps me is

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Speaker 4: that I've clocked in years of like I'm like, oh man,

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Speaker 4: this isn't going the way I wanted to go, or

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Speaker 4: like I was hoping they would have like some big

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Speaker 4: conversation with my parents and we would really like open

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Speaker 4: each other up and like get into some you know,

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Speaker 4: fun memories or whatever, and it you know, that has

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Speaker 4: happened sometimes. But I think I come back to this

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Speaker 4: idea of like actually having zero expectations is kind of

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Speaker 4: the best way to go about it. Like maybe it's

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Speaker 4: not going to be magical, and maybe it's not going

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Speaker 4: to be x y and Z, but it is going

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Speaker 4: to be time with family and that that in and

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Speaker 4: of itself, if it's good, if it's bad, whatever is

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Speaker 4: is something to be thankful for.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, sometimes we don't know how magical those things and

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Speaker 3: those moments are until we leave or until we lose it.

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Speaker 3: And so being able to really lean into that, it's like, hey, yeah,

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Speaker 3: my family's a little quirky, they're a little weird, and

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Speaker 3: if I'm really honest, I'm a little quirky and I'm

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Speaker 3: a little weird and that's just who we are. And

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Speaker 3: if we can embrace that and enjoy and then when

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Speaker 3: we go back to school or to work, we might

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Speaker 3: start to realize, you know, that's my weird and quirky family.

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Speaker 3: The other thing I will say to add to that

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Speaker 3: is sometimes it's okay to try to be the change.

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Speaker 3: And what I mean by that is like to have

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Speaker 3: that magical moment. Might mean maybe I introduced the new

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Speaker 3: board game they have no idea about it. For instance,

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Speaker 3: for some reason, that game Heads Up has been one

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Speaker 3: of those like classic hits in our family, right, And

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Speaker 3: it's like, without a doubt, whenever we take the phone

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Speaker 3: and put up and then you got to guess what

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Speaker 3: it is like somebody's going to say something that's just

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Speaker 3: ridiculous and we're all gonna laugh. So be okay or

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Speaker 3: willing to introduce some things to your family.

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Speaker 2: I love that.

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Speaker 4: It makes me think about that, like to get something

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Speaker 4: you've never had before, you've got to do something you've

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Speaker 4: never done. And maybe it is as simple as introducing

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Speaker 4: a new tradition, a new family tradition, to kind of

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Speaker 4: shake things happen.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I think that's great. You know, my mom always

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Speaker 1: said you have to meet people where they're at. Is

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Speaker 1: it bad to set lower expectations for the people and

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Speaker 1: your family too, and their own behavior.

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Speaker 3: I think sometimes we got to be honest, you know,

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Speaker 3: sometimes we think that there is this point that will

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Speaker 3: come back and they'll just be different. That whatever time

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Speaker 3: in between they went through intense therapy or rehab, or

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Speaker 3: they read the book that made them change their whole philosophy,

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Speaker 3: and you know, just overall, change just doesn't happen overnight.

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Speaker 3: And even if they are on the road to being different,

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Speaker 3: we still have to offer some patients and some grace

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Speaker 3: and can we actually see the difference. Can we recognize,

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Speaker 3: you know what, they were more erratic or more angry,

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Speaker 3: or they drank more last year than this year. Because

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Speaker 3: I think like if we are able to even mention that, hey, mom,

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Speaker 3: I see that you've been doing this change or working

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Speaker 3: on that, they might actually appreciate that. They might actually

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Speaker 3: welcome that in some way, not in an embarrassing or

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Speaker 3: condescending way, but just in a way of like, I

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Speaker 3: see you trying. I think that could actually help in

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Speaker 3: the whole process. So not even lowering your expectations, but

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Speaker 3: have some realistic expectations with some encouragement. I think that

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Speaker 3: goes a long way.

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Speaker 1: You hit on something that we definitely want to talk about.

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Speaker 1: Of the drinking of it all. The entire environment is

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Speaker 1: just loaded with triggers left and right, and we could

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Speaker 1: tend to imbibe maybe.

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Speaker 2: More than we expected.

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Speaker 1: What are some other ways we can kind of a

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Speaker 1: keep track of that and find other healthier outlets when

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Speaker 1: we are triggered.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, a large part of that comes with like self awareness,

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Speaker 3: the self awareness meaning like what is happening with me?

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Speaker 3: What emotions or feelings am I experience in and sometimes

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Speaker 3: we just we're just clueless about that, And we're also

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Speaker 3: unaware that when we go home, we tend to regress, right, like, yeah,

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Speaker 3: we're going home as a twenty eight year old, as

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Speaker 3: a thirty three year old, as a twenty five year

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Speaker 3: old in age, but when we actually show up, we're

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Speaker 3: an eight year old, a nine year old.

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Speaker 2: Truer words to me. Let me just tell you just

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Speaker 2: the way he speaks to me, exactly right.

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Speaker 3: Our behavior is just like that, or even like a

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Speaker 3: sixteen year old, right where we feel like we can

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Speaker 3: have some autonomy and some responsibility, but yet our parents

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Speaker 3: are still telling us what to do. That struggle, that's

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Speaker 3: what we feel, and so we feel that we then

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Speaker 3: get triggered by that. But once again, we're in body,

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Speaker 3: We're a twenty eight year old, so we're legal, and

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Speaker 3: what do we do with that emotion? We drink or

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Speaker 3: we drink some more. And what do they do with

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Speaker 3: that emotion? They drink and they drink some more. So

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Speaker 3: I think a lot of it comes back to self

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Speaker 3: awareness of Hey, I know, I get triggered, I start

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Speaker 3: to regress in age, I start to do some things,

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Speaker 3: and maybe I can find other alternatives. And truthfully, that's

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Speaker 3: probably what they need to do as well too, because

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Speaker 3: they are feeling like, oh my gosh, I'm back to

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Speaker 3: parent and a teenager and this was stressful for me too,

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Speaker 3: and I'm going to drink because I don't want to

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Speaker 3: feel this anymore.

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Speaker 1: Wow, this is telling me a lot about my family

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Speaker 1: dynamic and maybe that it's me.

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Speaker 2: Hi, I'm the problem. It's me.

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Speaker 4: What are other activities can they maybe engage in that

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Speaker 4: are a bit healthy, can help the situation as opposed

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Speaker 4: to hurt it.

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Speaker 3: I would encourage everybody make sure you have a session

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Speaker 3: with your therapist before you leave. Right talk to your

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Speaker 3: therapist or your coach or whoever provides wisdom and advice

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Speaker 3: to you in your life. Now. If you don't have

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Speaker 3: that person, that's the first thing you need to do.

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Speaker 3: You need to find someone in your life that provides wisdom,

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Speaker 3: someplace that you can talk or communicate about some of

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Speaker 3: these things. And yes, ideally I would encourage that to

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Speaker 3: be a therapist, but that could also be someone else,

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Speaker 3: So that would be the first thing I would suggest.

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Speaker 3: Then when you're there, have things that you can do.

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Speaker 3: Do you take a deep breath, do you go for

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Speaker 3: a walk, do you call someone, do you read something,

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Speaker 3: do you go and just center yourself in terms of

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Speaker 3: like mindfulness of just saying these are my loved ones,

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Speaker 3: these are people who care about me, I have one

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Speaker 3: more day left. Whatever you need to do that will

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Speaker 3: help you to get to that next phase or place

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Speaker 3: could sometimes be helpful. I know lots of people who

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Speaker 3: will say, you know what, I need to go for

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Speaker 3: a workout, I need to go for a run, I

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Speaker 3: need to call my best friend, I need to call

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Speaker 3: my partner. There's so many options. Don't get stuck in

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Speaker 3: then the routines that you've had from before that might

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Speaker 3: be unhealthy.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, I actually am.

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Speaker 4: I came across something really really wonderful in researching for

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Speaker 4: this episode, and it plays into this whole regressing thing.

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Speaker 4: And because this is something I've definitely felt going home

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Speaker 4: because I live in New York and I don't have

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Speaker 4: a car, and so when I go home, I'm really

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Speaker 4: like at the best of my parents, like my parents

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Speaker 4: will pick me up from the airport. And so what

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Speaker 4: I came across is people saying, how can you reclaim

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Speaker 4: that control? So, if you are entering a situation where

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Speaker 4: like you can start to regress or feel like your

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Speaker 4: parents or your parents again, how can you reclaim the control?

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Speaker 4: In one of the ways that people were talking about

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Speaker 4: dealing with this is get there early, like rent a car,

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Speaker 4: if you have the means to rent a car, like

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Speaker 4: rent a car, make sure that you show up at

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Speaker 4: your parents' house on your terms. This is something that

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Speaker 4: you think people could benefit from.

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Speaker 3: I think definitely. I think a lot of that is,

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Speaker 3: you know, once again thinking ahead, recognizing that like, hey,

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Speaker 3: when I get home now, I'm going to have to

397
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Speaker 3: like negotiate how can I use the car, And they're

398
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Speaker 3: going to like go back to be home by eleven.

399
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Speaker 3: I'm like, I'm a grown adult. I'm not trying to

400
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Speaker 3: be home by eleven, right. But but once again, when

401
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Speaker 3: we turn the situation around, some of it is like Okay,

402
00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:22,640
Speaker 3: our parents still care about our safety. They still want

403
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Speaker 3: to make sure that we are home. So it's how

404
00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:27,840
Speaker 3: do we negotiate that? And I think like whatever way

405
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Speaker 3: that you can find some autonomy there, that's great, but

406
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Speaker 3: also be willing to talk about it. And you might

407
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Speaker 3: need to negotiate some of that because maybe mom, dad, whoever,

408
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Speaker 3: wanted to do some of the rituals that you've always

409
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Speaker 3: done the traditions. Lean into that, but also let them

410
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Speaker 3: know I'm also creating new traditions. We're going to have

411
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Speaker 3: Thanksgiving and then we're gonna have friends given we're going

412
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Speaker 3: to do something else, and that allows them to know

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Speaker 3: what to expect.

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Speaker 4: It's great advice. So we've talked about how we can

415
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Speaker 4: plan ahead. But so let's just say that we've thought

416
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Speaker 4: all about this, we've sided you know, okay, cool, Like

417
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Speaker 4: we've got our plan and we're in and then you're

418
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Speaker 4: you're in and you're with your family and some difficult

419
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Speaker 4: situations arise, maybe it's a family member that you're clashing with.

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Speaker 4: Do you have any advice for people who like do

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Speaker 4: find themselves like in the moment of dealing with maybe

422
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Speaker 4: a difficult family member.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I think that comes back to like once again,

424
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Speaker 3: family culture. You know, for some families, an argument is

425
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Speaker 3: like the rights of passage, like that's just what we

426
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Speaker 3: do right, not in a way that we're like being

427
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Speaker 3: hurtful or yelling in a negative way. But you know,

428
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Speaker 3: maybe it gets a little passionate. If that's your family,

429
00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:38,440
Speaker 3: then maybe that's what it's normal, and you can engage

430
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Speaker 3: in that way. But if it gets a place where

431
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Speaker 3: it's like, okay, no, this is really causing some difficulty

432
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Speaker 3: or some harm or I don't really like this, you

433
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Speaker 3: find a way out. You can easily say I don't

434
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Speaker 3: want to talk about this anymore. Can we change the topics?

435
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Speaker 3: Those are nice polite ways you could decide to say,

436
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Speaker 3: you know what I'm done, and not further engage. I

437
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Speaker 3: think that's what I see sometimes with people is that

438
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:02,520
Speaker 3: you know you're at your point. You know you could stop,

439
00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:06,440
Speaker 3: but you keep going. Right, if you stop talking, for

440
00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:09,399
Speaker 3: the most part, the other side will stop talking to

441
00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:12,159
Speaker 3: Now some of them they might have a little bit

442
00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:14,360
Speaker 3: more left in the tank, but give them some time

443
00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:16,960
Speaker 3: and they will stop talking. But when you keep engaging,

444
00:21:17,119 --> 00:21:20,639
Speaker 3: if you keep going, it's not gonna stop. So sometimes

445
00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:22,879
Speaker 3: being able to take that break can be a way out.

446
00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:25,160
Speaker 4: I do think that like a lot of the times

447
00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:27,280
Speaker 4: when you when you keep going when you're it's because

448
00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:29,760
Speaker 4: you're searching for something, like I just really need to

449
00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:32,040
Speaker 4: understand me, Like I'm trying to get to the core

450
00:21:32,119 --> 00:21:35,119
Speaker 4: of what this bridge, this divide is between us, and

451
00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:36,800
Speaker 4: sometimes I think you kind of have to recognize that,

452
00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:39,160
Speaker 4: like you're not going to get that necessarily, that it's

453
00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:40,920
Speaker 4: they are who they are, you are who you are,

454
00:21:41,359 --> 00:21:44,920
Speaker 4: and that sometimes understanding can be maybe a bridge too far.

455
00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:47,359
Speaker 4: But is there ways to find common ground with these

456
00:21:47,359 --> 00:21:48,720
Speaker 4: people or is that just a lost cause.

457
00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:51,840
Speaker 3: I definitely think there's ways to find common ground and

458
00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:54,919
Speaker 3: for people to understand who you are once again, like, well,

459
00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:57,720
Speaker 3: how long have you been away from your family? Has

460
00:21:57,720 --> 00:22:00,439
Speaker 3: it been a year, five years, ten years, twenty years

461
00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:04,000
Speaker 3: where you have developed and grown and become more of

462
00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:06,760
Speaker 3: who you are. They don't necessarily know that. The way

463
00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:08,960
Speaker 3: they get to know that is through these conversations, through

464
00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:12,639
Speaker 3: the games, through their activities, and yes, even in the

465
00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:15,800
Speaker 3: tension and conflict, they get to know more of who

466
00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:19,760
Speaker 3: you are. So that's what helps with the common grounds. Like, oh, okay,

467
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:22,600
Speaker 3: I didn't realize that that's not who you are and

468
00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:25,760
Speaker 3: what your perspective might be. But the other part, though,

469
00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:31,119
Speaker 3: is that we can't convert them on those really big

470
00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:36,400
Speaker 3: polarizing situations, we can't necessarily convert them. And I think

471
00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:39,400
Speaker 3: sometimes that's what we're trying to do, where we realize

472
00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:41,359
Speaker 3: we are all the way on the other side of

473
00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:44,600
Speaker 3: the spectrum and we want them to lean into our

474
00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:47,280
Speaker 3: side and they want us to lean on their side,

475
00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:50,239
Speaker 3: and that's just not going to happen. We either are

476
00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:51,960
Speaker 3: going to get to a place where we can respect each

477
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:54,720
Speaker 3: other hopefully, or we get to the place where we're

478
00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:56,600
Speaker 3: just not going to talk about it because it's going

479
00:22:56,680 --> 00:22:57,159
Speaker 3: to blow up.

480
00:22:57,359 --> 00:22:57,800
Speaker 2: Yeah.

481
00:22:57,840 --> 00:23:00,280
Speaker 4: Another thing I think is really helpful is, you know,

482
00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:03,000
Speaker 4: sometimes you can get in your own head like am

483
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:05,680
Speaker 4: I just crazy? Like is it just me feeling this way?

484
00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:08,320
Speaker 4: And it can be really really important to have someone

485
00:23:08,359 --> 00:23:10,960
Speaker 4: in your life, if it's like a family ally or

486
00:23:11,119 --> 00:23:13,600
Speaker 4: at least a friend maybe back home, someone you can

487
00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:15,920
Speaker 4: text you and just kind of to validate your feelings,

488
00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:17,800
Speaker 4: because I think a lot of times, like we can

489
00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:20,320
Speaker 4: drive ourselves crazy thinking that we're like, you know, like

490
00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:22,919
Speaker 4: what is my problem or what is But sometimes like

491
00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:26,399
Speaker 4: you are really validated, Like sometimes like your family is

492
00:23:26,480 --> 00:23:29,239
Speaker 4: really difficult. Are there any other things like I don't know,

493
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:33,119
Speaker 4: like practicing positive affirmation or not taking things too personally?

494
00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:35,560
Speaker 4: Like do you have any other advice for people who

495
00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:36,440
Speaker 4: really are struggling?

496
00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:39,560
Speaker 3: Yeah, all the above. And I love the ally part

497
00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:43,200
Speaker 3: because usually there's somebody in the family that gets you,

498
00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:46,040
Speaker 3: you know, like after a situation, you might say like, hey,

499
00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:48,600
Speaker 3: was was I off? Did I come into hot? Like

500
00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:51,280
Speaker 3: what was going on there? And they might give you

501
00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:51,960
Speaker 3: some perspective.

502
00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:55,280
Speaker 4: Yeah, I'll call you out to be honest, because sometimes

503
00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:57,440
Speaker 4: a lot of this is like looking internally and going,

504
00:23:57,520 --> 00:23:57,720
Speaker 4: you know.

505
00:23:57,840 --> 00:24:01,720
Speaker 5: Maybe I'm not a thing. Maybe maybe I'm as Molly said,

506
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:02,280
Speaker 5: you know.

507
00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:08,520
Speaker 3: Yeah, And you know, honestly, a lot of times it

508
00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:11,480
Speaker 3: is a lot of times we don't realize like hey

509
00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:14,280
Speaker 3: I have changed or I have a perspective, or like

510
00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:17,399
Speaker 3: oh my gosh, my family is like they're like so outdated,

511
00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:19,679
Speaker 3: I need to fix them, and we don't realize that.

512
00:24:19,720 --> 00:24:23,120
Speaker 3: We come in with that mindset, that energy, that position

513
00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:25,920
Speaker 3: that can sometimes antagonizing a little bit all the way.

514
00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:29,240
Speaker 3: So being aware of what position do we say things

515
00:24:29,560 --> 00:24:32,159
Speaker 3: do we come off as like higher than others, do

516
00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:35,520
Speaker 3: we come off as better than others versus I'm just

517
00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:37,640
Speaker 3: trying to share my point, And so we do need

518
00:24:37,680 --> 00:24:40,720
Speaker 3: to pay attention to ourselves and how we approach the

519
00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:43,919
Speaker 3: conversation because sometimes that could really change the result.

520
00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:47,200
Speaker 1: I happen to be the youngest in my family by

521
00:24:47,280 --> 00:24:50,000
Speaker 1: a fair amount of years, so my entire family has

522
00:24:50,040 --> 00:24:52,760
Speaker 1: always seen me as the baby and is like, I

523
00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:54,480
Speaker 1: don't have so much the problem, like, oh, you're trying

524
00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:56,360
Speaker 1: to be like talk down to me, but where they

525
00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:58,600
Speaker 1: still see me as a child and they don't take

526
00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:01,720
Speaker 1: my opinion with any weight. I still at teas like

527
00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:04,560
Speaker 1: the youngest sister all the time. But how do we

528
00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:07,879
Speaker 1: establish ourselves as an adult when we've always been sitting

529
00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:11,879
Speaker 1: at the kids' table, sometimes by ourselves for years.

530
00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:17,119
Speaker 3: Yeah, we get these labels and sometimes by birth order

531
00:25:17,359 --> 00:25:20,440
Speaker 3: or by the things that we've done, and it can

532
00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:23,440
Speaker 3: stick with us. Some of it is like okay, how

533
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:26,560
Speaker 3: do we lean into that? Right? So, sometimes being the youngest,

534
00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:31,640
Speaker 3: maybe people realize I might provide a fresh perspective, or

535
00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:34,560
Speaker 3: I might bring some energy, or I might be willing

536
00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:36,800
Speaker 3: to do it in a different way. Sometimes we can

537
00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:40,160
Speaker 3: embrace that. Other times it might be okay, they're not

538
00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:43,920
Speaker 3: going to see me differently, and realizing that doesn't mean

539
00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:46,879
Speaker 3: my opinion, our thoughts are not important. I just realized

540
00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:49,359
Speaker 3: they're just not going to hear it. Oftentimes, you know,

541
00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:52,160
Speaker 3: even in the ways that people do work, you can

542
00:25:52,200 --> 00:25:55,919
Speaker 3: be an expert in your particular field in a particular space,

543
00:25:56,880 --> 00:26:00,240
Speaker 3: but when it's at home or people you know don't

544
00:26:00,240 --> 00:26:02,280
Speaker 3: see you as an expert because.

545
00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:03,800
Speaker 2: They don't even know what you do for a living.

546
00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:06,920
Speaker 2: They're still asking you, how's the blog going exactly?

547
00:26:07,680 --> 00:26:10,119
Speaker 3: And so sometimes we might need either somebody else to

548
00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:14,040
Speaker 3: validate what we do, maybe a family member that we trust. Hey,

549
00:26:14,359 --> 00:26:16,400
Speaker 3: you know Molly, that's a great point, or Molly knows

550
00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:19,280
Speaker 3: what to do here. Sometimes that can help. Or then

551
00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:23,080
Speaker 3: sometimes it's being able to just recognize I'm going to

552
00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:25,719
Speaker 3: be a benefit to other people, but maybe not my family.

553
00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:31,359
Speaker 1: We'll be right back with more grown up stuff how

554
00:26:31,400 --> 00:26:39,679
Speaker 1: to adult after a quick break, and we're back with

555
00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:41,399
Speaker 1: more grown up stuff how to adult.

556
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:47,359
Speaker 4: A lot of hims during the holidays, we can stack

557
00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:50,080
Speaker 4: stressful situations on top of each other. So maybe if

558
00:26:50,080 --> 00:26:52,919
Speaker 4: being with your family is stressful enough, then things like

559
00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:56,040
Speaker 4: cooking a major meal together can can add even more,

560
00:26:56,440 --> 00:26:58,879
Speaker 4: even more stress. You know, what are your tips of

561
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:02,359
Speaker 4: you know, during the holidays, everyone fed without a nervous

562
00:27:02,359 --> 00:27:03,200
Speaker 4: breakdown happening.

563
00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:07,680
Speaker 3: It goes back to like what your tradition might be.

564
00:27:08,040 --> 00:27:10,040
Speaker 3: I don't know if you all have seen the show

565
00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:10,520
Speaker 3: The Bear.

566
00:27:11,359 --> 00:27:14,240
Speaker 2: Yes, are you talking? Are we talking seven fishes?

567
00:27:14,359 --> 00:27:14,840
Speaker 5: Are we talking?

568
00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:16,359
Speaker 3: Seven fish?

569
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:17,160
Speaker 2: Yeah?

570
00:27:17,880 --> 00:27:21,720
Speaker 1: I have a questions cousin Michelle's friends Stephen is he gay?

571
00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:23,919
Speaker 5: Is who gay? Mom My, Mama? Why are you in

572
00:27:23,960 --> 00:27:25,960
Speaker 5: the seven Fishes thing? Nobody ever to Stephen?

573
00:27:26,080 --> 00:27:27,560
Speaker 2: Is he gay? I mean he seems kind of gay.

574
00:27:27,600 --> 00:27:29,159
Speaker 3: You know, he's already and I mean I love him

575
00:27:29,200 --> 00:27:29,920
Speaker 3: and everything.

576
00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:30,240
Speaker 5: But he's gay.

577
00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:33,000
Speaker 3: I think I think that episode just talks so much

578
00:27:33,119 --> 00:27:37,240
Speaker 3: about like what family dynamics may be, right, like who's

579
00:27:37,320 --> 00:27:40,320
Speaker 3: really preparing the meal, who's helping? But what is it

580
00:27:40,359 --> 00:27:43,720
Speaker 3: really about, Like what what are these dynamics that are there?

581
00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:45,320
Speaker 3: And how do we do it? And then there's a

582
00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:48,320
Speaker 3: chaos of like you know, people yelling at each other,

583
00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:51,600
Speaker 3: cursing at each other, drinking, and you know, we might

584
00:27:51,640 --> 00:27:53,679
Speaker 3: say like, oh, that's just one family. No, that's actually

585
00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:57,680
Speaker 3: representative of lots of families. So when you stack multiple

586
00:27:57,720 --> 00:27:59,560
Speaker 3: things I think some of it is what can you

587
00:27:59,640 --> 00:28:03,000
Speaker 3: do to lower your stress? First of all, right, it

588
00:28:03,119 --> 00:28:05,359
Speaker 3: might be this is not the right way to go

589
00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:08,439
Speaker 3: with it, but I'm just gonna go ahead and just

590
00:28:08,960 --> 00:28:12,639
Speaker 3: do my part. Or as we mentioned before, I'm going

591
00:28:12,720 --> 00:28:16,320
Speaker 3: to introduce some things. Hey, uh, you know I got

592
00:28:16,359 --> 00:28:20,200
Speaker 3: our tickets and I got us a car service or

593
00:28:20,320 --> 00:28:23,520
Speaker 3: I got us whatever it is that you know is

594
00:28:23,560 --> 00:28:27,719
Speaker 3: the main stressful area. If you can eliminate or lower that,

595
00:28:27,720 --> 00:28:30,479
Speaker 3: that might also be helpful. And you know, going back

596
00:28:30,520 --> 00:28:33,480
Speaker 3: to the bear, sometimes we got to navigate personalities and

597
00:28:33,600 --> 00:28:36,320
Speaker 3: we got to know what to say and how to

598
00:28:36,359 --> 00:28:38,800
Speaker 3: say it, because if you come in and as if

599
00:28:38,840 --> 00:28:41,120
Speaker 3: you're trying to take over, that might not go well,

600
00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:44,400
Speaker 3: But if you're trying to assist, that might work. And

601
00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:47,760
Speaker 3: so really paying attention to those things and those themes, morn.

602
00:28:47,480 --> 00:28:48,640
Speaker 5: I need you to check the frends.

603
00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:48,840
Speaker 1: You know.

604
00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:50,240
Speaker 3: I feel like that was a shotguard.

605
00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:52,200
Speaker 5: Why this is why I didn't want to come home

606
00:28:52,240 --> 00:28:53,640
Speaker 5: this why fuck you?

607
00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:58,360
Speaker 3: What would whatever?

608
00:28:58,440 --> 00:28:59,440
Speaker 5: Okay?

609
00:28:58,680 --> 00:29:00,880
Speaker 1: What? I am so glad you brought up the bear

610
00:29:00,920 --> 00:29:03,440
Speaker 1: because I think that is kind of the situation a

611
00:29:03,480 --> 00:29:05,920
Speaker 1: lot of people are going to be navigating, yes, and

612
00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:08,960
Speaker 1: what happens when we get to the point where we're like,

613
00:29:09,240 --> 00:29:12,040
Speaker 1: I kind of want to take over hosting and cooking

614
00:29:12,040 --> 00:29:15,000
Speaker 1: the meal from my parents. So these two things where

615
00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:18,160
Speaker 1: we want to really shift the roles of our parents

616
00:29:18,160 --> 00:29:21,680
Speaker 1: and ourselves. What's the best way to address those two scenarios?

617
00:29:22,160 --> 00:29:23,880
Speaker 3: Even in our own family, when my wife and I

618
00:29:23,920 --> 00:29:25,720
Speaker 3: got married, or you were thinking about the holidays and

619
00:29:25,760 --> 00:29:29,120
Speaker 3: it was actually for us, holidays were important and in

620
00:29:29,120 --> 00:29:31,360
Speaker 3: different ways, and we were going back and forth and

621
00:29:31,360 --> 00:29:33,440
Speaker 3: how we wanted to do it, and what we did

622
00:29:33,520 --> 00:29:36,720
Speaker 3: was we decided to host, and thankfully everybody was really

623
00:29:36,720 --> 00:29:40,480
Speaker 3: open to that and it became the new tradition in

624
00:29:40,520 --> 00:29:43,280
Speaker 3: the family. It became the place that people want to come.

625
00:29:43,360 --> 00:29:46,400
Speaker 3: So sometimes it's by saying, you know, maybe in advance,

626
00:29:46,480 --> 00:29:49,000
Speaker 3: hey next year, can I host, or I would like

627
00:29:49,080 --> 00:29:51,800
Speaker 3: to host, or can we develop a system, can we rotate?

628
00:29:52,200 --> 00:29:55,120
Speaker 3: You know, maybe it's through the siblings, And if it's

629
00:29:55,160 --> 00:29:58,280
Speaker 3: maybe an advance and not sprung up like two days before,

630
00:29:58,880 --> 00:30:01,400
Speaker 3: then there might be an oppportunity to do that and

631
00:30:01,560 --> 00:30:03,360
Speaker 3: even be able to say, hey, you can like leaning

632
00:30:03,480 --> 00:30:05,360
Speaker 3: like you know what I've seen you do it all

633
00:30:05,400 --> 00:30:07,560
Speaker 3: these years, and I really want to be able to

634
00:30:07,600 --> 00:30:09,040
Speaker 3: be the one to host, or I want you to

635
00:30:09,040 --> 00:30:11,520
Speaker 3: have a break and I would love if you can come.

636
00:30:11,680 --> 00:30:14,360
Speaker 3: I'm not saying that you have to stop preparing. Maybe

637
00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:16,440
Speaker 3: you can help me the first year. I mean, there's

638
00:30:16,480 --> 00:30:18,640
Speaker 3: lots of different ways that you can go about that.

639
00:30:19,120 --> 00:30:21,720
Speaker 3: Because for some people it's their identity. Yes, this is

640
00:30:21,720 --> 00:30:24,200
Speaker 3: who I am, this is what I do. So if

641
00:30:24,240 --> 00:30:25,520
Speaker 3: I don't do it, who am I?

642
00:30:25,720 --> 00:30:25,960
Speaker 2: Right?

643
00:30:26,000 --> 00:30:28,680
Speaker 3: So you've got to be thoughtful about it. But there's

644
00:30:28,720 --> 00:30:29,640
Speaker 3: ways to transition.

645
00:30:33,720 --> 00:30:36,000
Speaker 1: So we've established that the holidays can be a very

646
00:30:36,040 --> 00:30:40,160
Speaker 1: stressful time. In fact, the same previously referenced study commissioned

647
00:30:40,160 --> 00:30:43,080
Speaker 1: by Parago found that eighty eight percent of the two

648
00:30:43,120 --> 00:30:46,840
Speaker 1: thousand American surveyed said they felt stressed during the holidays

649
00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:50,400
Speaker 1: for various reasons, and the National Alliance of Mental Illness

650
00:30:50,520 --> 00:30:53,959
Speaker 1: found that sixty four percent of survey participants reported that

651
00:30:54,000 --> 00:30:58,040
Speaker 1: the holidays made their mental health conditions worse. Separate from

652
00:30:58,080 --> 00:31:01,080
Speaker 1: the chaos of parties and family dynamics can be the

653
00:31:01,160 --> 00:31:04,440
Speaker 1: deepening feelings of depression and loneliness during this time of year.

654
00:31:08,360 --> 00:31:12,000
Speaker 1: How do we make it through these times that can

655
00:31:12,080 --> 00:31:14,240
Speaker 1: be very difficult, and how do we also make sure

656
00:31:14,280 --> 00:31:18,560
Speaker 1: that we are best supporting the people who may also

657
00:31:18,640 --> 00:31:20,080
Speaker 1: need support during this time of year.

658
00:31:20,640 --> 00:31:23,600
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's a really great point. Honestly. Part of why

659
00:31:23,600 --> 00:31:25,720
Speaker 3: we're talking about this is that the holidays is a

660
00:31:25,760 --> 00:31:28,160
Speaker 3: big trigger and it can also be a trigger for

661
00:31:28,240 --> 00:31:31,200
Speaker 3: loss and our ability to just be aware of that

662
00:31:31,880 --> 00:31:34,520
Speaker 3: what is it that we are experiencing and going through?

663
00:31:34,840 --> 00:31:38,200
Speaker 3: Once again, did you talk to your therapist or advisor

664
00:31:38,320 --> 00:31:40,840
Speaker 3: or someone that you can talk to going into this.

665
00:31:41,240 --> 00:31:44,240
Speaker 3: Are you sharing with other people? Sometimes we're feeling that

666
00:31:44,360 --> 00:31:47,120
Speaker 3: loss or those anniversaries and we just hold it and

667
00:31:47,160 --> 00:31:50,200
Speaker 3: we stuff it instead of being able to just express

668
00:31:50,240 --> 00:31:53,880
Speaker 3: it in a healthy way. And sometimes people don't know

669
00:31:54,680 --> 00:31:56,880
Speaker 3: how we're really dealing with it. And you know, even

670
00:31:56,920 --> 00:31:59,960
Speaker 3: in our own family, like we've had losses and we've

671
00:32:00,040 --> 00:32:03,520
Speaker 3: been able to talk about some of that, especially around Thanksgiving,

672
00:32:03,880 --> 00:32:05,800
Speaker 3: we light a candle to just kind of say, like,

673
00:32:05,840 --> 00:32:08,320
Speaker 3: you know, we remember them or we're thinking about them

674
00:32:08,720 --> 00:32:11,960
Speaker 3: as we are playing games and eating food and doing

675
00:32:11,960 --> 00:32:14,280
Speaker 3: lots of other things. So there are ways that you

676
00:32:14,320 --> 00:32:17,760
Speaker 3: can be intentional of honoring the folks that maybe you've lost,

677
00:32:18,080 --> 00:32:21,280
Speaker 3: or having a conversation or checking in with people. Maybe

678
00:32:21,280 --> 00:32:23,160
Speaker 3: it's not you, maybe it's someone else in the family

679
00:32:23,520 --> 00:32:26,240
Speaker 3: just asking, hey, you know, I'm thinking about you this holiday,

680
00:32:26,760 --> 00:32:28,600
Speaker 3: or I just want you to know I'm here for you,

681
00:32:29,240 --> 00:32:32,640
Speaker 3: or sometimes playing the game that makes somebody laugh is

682
00:32:32,680 --> 00:32:35,280
Speaker 3: actually what helps them during this time. So there's lots

683
00:32:35,320 --> 00:32:37,760
Speaker 3: of different ways to go about it, but definitely don't

684
00:32:37,800 --> 00:32:41,720
Speaker 3: just move through it as if there'sn't some pain and hurt,

685
00:32:41,920 --> 00:32:44,320
Speaker 3: because a lot of people are struggling and it just

686
00:32:44,320 --> 00:32:48,560
Speaker 3: so happens that like around this time, either we've lost

687
00:32:48,640 --> 00:32:52,360
Speaker 3: people or reminds us of the people we've lost because

688
00:32:52,840 --> 00:32:55,000
Speaker 3: we would be hanging out with them or spending time

689
00:32:55,040 --> 00:32:55,640
Speaker 3: with them.

690
00:32:55,960 --> 00:32:58,360
Speaker 1: Yeah, are there signs that we can kind of look

691
00:32:58,400 --> 00:33:00,800
Speaker 1: out for in some of our friends or family that

692
00:33:00,880 --> 00:33:02,960
Speaker 1: might indicate that they need a little bit more support.

693
00:33:03,520 --> 00:33:05,960
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, throughout the conversation, like we've talked about

694
00:33:05,960 --> 00:33:07,760
Speaker 3: like different things that can happen in our family, and

695
00:33:07,800 --> 00:33:09,800
Speaker 3: for the most part, like you know, it's things that

696
00:33:09,880 --> 00:33:12,960
Speaker 3: are solvable or things that we tweak here and there.

697
00:33:13,360 --> 00:33:15,560
Speaker 3: What we haven't necessarily talked about is for some people

698
00:33:15,760 --> 00:33:20,280
Speaker 3: they are going through really intense family situations, sometimes traumatics,

699
00:33:20,320 --> 00:33:25,080
Speaker 3: family situations, or life situations. Sometimes there's a level of loneliness,

700
00:33:25,200 --> 00:33:28,600
Speaker 3: or a level of despair, or a level of just difficulty.

701
00:33:28,880 --> 00:33:31,280
Speaker 3: And that's why it's so important that we check in

702
00:33:31,320 --> 00:33:34,800
Speaker 3: with people. We can be really focused on us and

703
00:33:35,120 --> 00:33:39,400
Speaker 3: our family or our situation and not realize maybe our

704
00:33:39,440 --> 00:33:43,680
Speaker 3: friend or friends or cousins don't have that same opportunity

705
00:33:44,200 --> 00:33:46,920
Speaker 3: and they haven't really talked about it in a long time.

706
00:33:47,040 --> 00:33:49,320
Speaker 3: So the best thing I would say for people to

707
00:33:49,360 --> 00:33:52,920
Speaker 3: do is just check in. Just call somebody, text somebody,

708
00:33:53,200 --> 00:33:56,960
Speaker 3: go visit somebody, invite somebody over. Hey, I realized you

709
00:33:57,040 --> 00:33:58,960
Speaker 3: might not be doing anything today. We got more than

710
00:33:59,080 --> 00:34:01,120
Speaker 3: enough room at the table. Why don't you join us?

711
00:34:01,160 --> 00:34:03,800
Speaker 1: And that maybe they become your ally at the family

712
00:34:03,880 --> 00:34:10,879
Speaker 1: dinner table. Sometimes our emotions may not be the only

713
00:34:10,920 --> 00:34:13,800
Speaker 1: ones we're managing or trying to protect. We may be

714
00:34:13,880 --> 00:34:16,279
Speaker 1: at the stage of our lives where we're introducing a

715
00:34:16,320 --> 00:34:18,720
Speaker 1: partner for the first time to our family, or maybe

716
00:34:18,760 --> 00:34:21,319
Speaker 1: we now have children of our own, and these add

717
00:34:21,360 --> 00:34:25,279
Speaker 1: a new layer of navigating already complex family relationships.

718
00:34:28,800 --> 00:34:32,960
Speaker 4: So sometimes family functions can get, you know, depending on

719
00:34:33,000 --> 00:34:36,439
Speaker 4: the dynamics, more or less stressful. If you bring your

720
00:34:36,520 --> 00:34:40,160
Speaker 4: partner and or kids into the mix, do you have

721
00:34:40,200 --> 00:34:42,959
Speaker 4: any advice for how to protect you know, our own

722
00:34:43,120 --> 00:34:46,640
Speaker 4: families from getting swept up in the madness, Like maybe

723
00:34:46,680 --> 00:34:49,600
Speaker 4: we could model some behavior to teach our families how

724
00:34:49,640 --> 00:34:50,920
Speaker 4: to behave a bit better.

725
00:34:52,200 --> 00:34:55,719
Speaker 3: Yeah, definitely. You know, I'm thinking about like the pep talk,

726
00:34:55,920 --> 00:34:59,239
Speaker 3: you know, like that you give your family you know, like, hey,

727
00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:02,920
Speaker 3: mom is going to do this, right, I want you

728
00:35:02,960 --> 00:35:05,719
Speaker 3: to know, like we're going to be respectful. But at

729
00:35:05,719 --> 00:35:07,839
Speaker 3: the same time, I mean, like you can give you know,

730
00:35:07,880 --> 00:35:10,640
Speaker 3: your family members a pep talk. And also there is

731
00:35:10,680 --> 00:35:13,040
Speaker 3: this other part that's really difficult, you know, And I

732
00:35:13,040 --> 00:35:15,600
Speaker 3: didn't realize this until much later in life that like

733
00:35:15,640 --> 00:35:17,880
Speaker 3: I just got used to like, whatever the older people want,

734
00:35:18,160 --> 00:35:21,239
Speaker 3: whatever the elders want, that's what you do. And yes,

735
00:35:21,320 --> 00:35:24,560
Speaker 3: that is definitely a part of some family culture. But

736
00:35:24,640 --> 00:35:26,320
Speaker 3: there's also a room to be able to say no.

737
00:35:26,719 --> 00:35:30,839
Speaker 3: And for instance, hugs, right, like hugs and kisses. We

738
00:35:30,880 --> 00:35:32,759
Speaker 3: almost think like that's just normal what you should do.

739
00:35:33,040 --> 00:35:35,839
Speaker 3: But there's some people where that's really overwhelming or too much.

740
00:35:36,239 --> 00:35:38,520
Speaker 3: And that might be your kids, right, or your family

741
00:35:38,520 --> 00:35:41,319
Speaker 3: members being able you know them, you know their personalities,

742
00:35:41,360 --> 00:35:43,759
Speaker 3: you know what kind of it feels too much for

743
00:35:43,840 --> 00:35:45,680
Speaker 3: them and you might be able to say you got

744
00:35:45,680 --> 00:35:48,440
Speaker 3: to hug Grandma, but you don't have to hug everybody else, right,

745
00:35:48,480 --> 00:35:51,040
Speaker 3: Like that might be the negotiation that you have. So

746
00:35:51,080 --> 00:35:53,480
Speaker 3: there's ways that you can protect your family or have

747
00:35:53,600 --> 00:36:00,000
Speaker 3: your own subculture of activities and experiences within the large

748
00:36:00,120 --> 00:36:03,000
Speaker 3: or family. And then you know, sometimes that's the only

749
00:36:03,040 --> 00:36:06,480
Speaker 3: time that the larger family maybe sees your spouse or

750
00:36:06,719 --> 00:36:11,600
Speaker 3: partner or kids, and that's also understandable that they want

751
00:36:11,640 --> 00:36:14,600
Speaker 3: to just spend more time with them. So it's balancing

752
00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:18,319
Speaker 3: all of those things and hopefully you know it's not

753
00:36:18,560 --> 00:36:21,799
Speaker 3: too chaotic or too harmful, but that it can be

754
00:36:21,800 --> 00:36:22,880
Speaker 3: a good time for everybody.

755
00:36:23,440 --> 00:36:27,000
Speaker 1: To that point, what are some good like transition methods

756
00:36:27,040 --> 00:36:30,120
Speaker 1: at the dinner table that are safe topics to because

757
00:36:30,160 --> 00:36:31,840
Speaker 1: we always hear like you never talk about religion, you

758
00:36:31,840 --> 00:36:34,279
Speaker 1: never talk about politics at the dinner table. What are

759
00:36:34,280 --> 00:36:37,479
Speaker 1: some safe transitionary topics that we could be like.

760
00:36:37,640 --> 00:36:41,120
Speaker 2: Hey, let's talk about this. What are our thoughts on

761
00:36:41,239 --> 00:36:42,040
Speaker 2: crusty bread.

762
00:36:43,160 --> 00:36:45,560
Speaker 3: I think what is really important is to have a

763
00:36:45,600 --> 00:36:48,800
Speaker 3: story ready. Just think about some moment that you've had

764
00:36:49,200 --> 00:36:52,279
Speaker 3: some experience, and hopefully it's a good and funny experience.

765
00:36:52,880 --> 00:36:55,120
Speaker 3: You can always use that as a transition. Hey, did

766
00:36:55,120 --> 00:36:56,759
Speaker 3: I tell you what happened to me? When I want

767
00:36:56,800 --> 00:36:59,160
Speaker 3: to go renew my license? And then you just go

768
00:36:59,239 --> 00:37:03,760
Speaker 3: into that conversational that sometimes can be a transition away

769
00:37:03,920 --> 00:37:07,400
Speaker 3: from a topic you don't want to or bringing up

770
00:37:07,400 --> 00:37:10,560
Speaker 3: somebody else's story. Hey, so and so, maybe it's a

771
00:37:10,640 --> 00:37:13,640
Speaker 3: niece or nephew, you just had your winter recital, or

772
00:37:13,680 --> 00:37:16,440
Speaker 3: you just had a play, or how was soccer season.

773
00:37:16,800 --> 00:37:20,280
Speaker 3: Being able to transition and ask questions on other things

774
00:37:20,680 --> 00:37:23,000
Speaker 3: that can open it up, and then at the end

775
00:37:23,000 --> 00:37:25,560
Speaker 3: of the day, you know, transition might be you know,

776
00:37:25,640 --> 00:37:28,600
Speaker 3: excuse me, I need to go, or I have to

777
00:37:28,600 --> 00:37:31,160
Speaker 3: make a phone call. Any of these things can sometimes

778
00:37:31,160 --> 00:37:33,160
Speaker 3: be ways that you can exit.

779
00:37:33,640 --> 00:37:36,000
Speaker 1: I'm laughing because it's the classic, Oh god, my phone

780
00:37:36,040 --> 00:37:36,719
Speaker 1: is ringing.

781
00:37:36,760 --> 00:37:37,560
Speaker 2: I must take this.

782
00:37:39,000 --> 00:37:39,920
Speaker 3: Is anybody else buzzing?

783
00:37:40,000 --> 00:37:41,040
Speaker 5: I know to hear that.

784
00:37:41,160 --> 00:37:45,480
Speaker 2: I definitely heard it ring. I'm curious.

785
00:37:45,800 --> 00:37:47,839
Speaker 1: What are some of the things about your getting together

786
00:37:47,880 --> 00:37:50,080
Speaker 1: with your family during the holidays you're most looking forward to.

787
00:37:50,800 --> 00:37:53,600
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think that this time with the family is

788
00:37:53,640 --> 00:37:56,520
Speaker 3: so great because there will be like stories, like no

789
00:37:56,560 --> 00:37:59,120
Speaker 3: matter how many years we've been around each other, there's

790
00:37:59,160 --> 00:38:01,839
Speaker 3: always some news story that comes out and it's not

791
00:38:01,880 --> 00:38:03,920
Speaker 3: like a story within the past year. It's like a

792
00:38:03,960 --> 00:38:06,080
Speaker 3: story that's like from the past and you're like, how

793
00:38:06,080 --> 00:38:08,480
Speaker 3: did I not hear that before? Things that are just

794
00:38:08,560 --> 00:38:11,359
Speaker 3: really humorous, and so I look forward to that, and

795
00:38:11,400 --> 00:38:14,759
Speaker 3: I in particular from my advantage point. So it's a

796
00:38:14,800 --> 00:38:17,040
Speaker 3: lot of my wife's family, and I love seeing when

797
00:38:17,040 --> 00:38:20,879
Speaker 3: my wife is with her mother and her aunts. It's

798
00:38:20,960 --> 00:38:24,080
Speaker 3: usually the moment after dinner and I'm trying to like

799
00:38:24,160 --> 00:38:28,040
Speaker 3: clean up and my wife gets to sit down and

800
00:38:28,080 --> 00:38:30,560
Speaker 3: then they get talking with each other and laughing. Just

801
00:38:30,600 --> 00:38:33,040
Speaker 3: seeing her have that moment is just priceless for me,

802
00:38:33,120 --> 00:38:34,440
Speaker 3: So I look forward to that.

803
00:38:35,120 --> 00:38:38,080
Speaker 1: Also, I love a partner who helps clean up in

804
00:38:38,120 --> 00:38:40,320
Speaker 1: the kitchen afterwards, so it's.

805
00:38:40,120 --> 00:38:43,040
Speaker 3: The least I could do. I'm like, okay, I mean, thank.

806
00:38:42,920 --> 00:38:43,719
Speaker 1: You for that.

807
00:38:47,560 --> 00:38:48,000
Speaker 5: Awesome.

808
00:38:48,440 --> 00:38:51,080
Speaker 4: Well, doctor James, just wanted to thank you so much

809
00:38:51,120 --> 00:38:53,160
Speaker 4: for taking the time to talk to us about this

810
00:38:53,280 --> 00:38:56,000
Speaker 4: very very important part of adulting. I think a lot

811
00:38:56,000 --> 00:38:58,240
Speaker 4: of people are like, oh, it's not practical. Oh it's

812
00:38:58,280 --> 00:39:01,000
Speaker 4: not taxes, so it's not healthcare. But I think this

813
00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:05,360
Speaker 4: really is so very important, especially during these times of

814
00:39:05,360 --> 00:39:07,520
Speaker 4: the year. So thank you for different dating and time

815
00:39:07,560 --> 00:39:09,359
Speaker 4: to talk about this what I consider a very very

816
00:39:09,360 --> 00:39:10,400
Speaker 4: important part of adulting.

817
00:39:11,000 --> 00:39:13,080
Speaker 3: I agree, I think it is very important, so I

818
00:39:13,080 --> 00:39:15,400
Speaker 3: appreciate you both for highlighting this topic and having me

819
00:39:15,440 --> 00:39:17,120
Speaker 3: on today. Really appreciate it.

820
00:39:23,280 --> 00:39:25,920
Speaker 1: No family is perfect, and we all have our difficulties,

821
00:39:25,960 --> 00:39:27,759
Speaker 1: but it's so important to stay present with them and

822
00:39:27,840 --> 00:39:31,040
Speaker 1: find ways to enjoy our time together. I love the

823
00:39:31,080 --> 00:39:33,880
Speaker 1: idea of playing games and forming new traditions with our family.

824
00:39:34,440 --> 00:39:36,280
Speaker 1: I think this is such a great way to avoid

825
00:39:36,320 --> 00:39:40,160
Speaker 1: certain discussions and make positive memories. Here's what else I'm

826
00:39:40,200 --> 00:39:43,600
Speaker 1: taking with me from this conversation with doctor James. Be

827
00:39:43,760 --> 00:39:46,560
Speaker 1: prepared to state your boundaries more than once, and to

828
00:39:46,600 --> 00:39:50,200
Speaker 1: stick to them. Don't let the push your relatives exhaust

829
00:39:50,239 --> 00:39:53,840
Speaker 1: you into giving up your boundaries. It's okay to be

830
00:39:54,000 --> 00:39:56,960
Speaker 1: the change we want to manage our expectations, but sometimes

831
00:39:57,040 --> 00:39:59,280
Speaker 1: it's okay to be the one to introduce new ideas

832
00:39:59,320 --> 00:40:02,200
Speaker 1: or traditions to ensure a smoother holiday with our family.

833
00:40:03,000 --> 00:40:05,960
Speaker 1: Find a way to recognize and encourage when family members

834
00:40:06,000 --> 00:40:09,600
Speaker 1: do make positive changes from year to year. Get yourself

835
00:40:09,600 --> 00:40:13,279
Speaker 1: an ally, someone who will validate you but also call

836
00:40:13,320 --> 00:40:17,040
Speaker 1: you on your own nonsense to make a plan, whether

837
00:40:17,080 --> 00:40:19,399
Speaker 1: it's sending a note about boundaries ahead of time, or

838
00:40:19,440 --> 00:40:22,280
Speaker 1: identifying healthy ways to cope with triggers in the moment,

839
00:40:23,080 --> 00:40:26,160
Speaker 1: or finding ways to maintain your independence while you're staying

840
00:40:26,200 --> 00:40:29,560
Speaker 1: with family. Create ways to remember and celebrate the ones

841
00:40:29,600 --> 00:40:32,239
Speaker 1: who are no longer with you. Maybe it's lighting a

842
00:40:32,280 --> 00:40:36,040
Speaker 1: candle or playing their favorite song or making their favorite recipe.

843
00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:39,680
Speaker 1: Sharing fun stories from your everyday life can be a

844
00:40:39,719 --> 00:40:44,600
Speaker 1: great way to ease tensions and transition from more challenging topics. Well,

845
00:40:44,600 --> 00:40:47,880
Speaker 1: that's all for today's episode. But Matt, before we sign off,

846
00:40:48,040 --> 00:40:50,480
Speaker 1: given that it's Thanksgiving, I thought it might be kind

847
00:40:50,520 --> 00:40:53,080
Speaker 1: of nice to do a very adult thing and practice

848
00:40:53,120 --> 00:40:56,719
Speaker 1: gratitude and share what we're both thankful for this year.

849
00:40:56,719 --> 00:40:57,200
Speaker 2: What do you think.

850
00:40:57,320 --> 00:40:58,560
Speaker 5: I think that that's a great idea.

851
00:40:58,640 --> 00:41:02,319
Speaker 4: I love practicing gratitude, and given how much is going

852
00:41:02,320 --> 00:41:04,120
Speaker 4: on in the world today, it's hard not to be

853
00:41:04,160 --> 00:41:09,560
Speaker 4: thankful for most things, namely health, safety, employment, family, and friends.

854
00:41:09,800 --> 00:41:12,279
Speaker 1: You know, honestly, Matt, I'm thankful for this podcast because

855
00:41:12,320 --> 00:41:15,520
Speaker 1: I have learned so much over the last you know, how,

856
00:41:15,680 --> 00:41:18,239
Speaker 1: I think we're on episode fourteen. I've learned so much

857
00:41:18,280 --> 00:41:20,720
Speaker 1: over the you know, these past fourteen episodes, if.

858
00:41:20,560 --> 00:41:23,239
Speaker 5: We look back, the glow up is real, the grow

859
00:41:23,320 --> 00:41:23,680
Speaker 5: up and the.

860
00:41:23,760 --> 00:41:27,960
Speaker 1: Blow up right, And I am really dedicating my twenty

861
00:41:28,000 --> 00:41:30,960
Speaker 1: twenty four to really start enacting more of what we've

862
00:41:31,040 --> 00:41:34,040
Speaker 1: learned here. I'm also really thankful for you, Matt Silla.

863
00:41:34,239 --> 00:41:38,520
Speaker 1: I'm really thankful to have your friendship, your collaboration, and

864
00:41:38,560 --> 00:41:40,680
Speaker 1: I wouldn't want to co host this with anybody else, Buddy,

865
00:41:40,680 --> 00:41:41,360
Speaker 1: I really wouldn't.

866
00:41:41,440 --> 00:41:43,359
Speaker 4: I feel the exact same way. That is so sweet

867
00:41:43,400 --> 00:41:45,040
Speaker 4: of you. I am very thankful for you too, Molly.

868
00:41:45,080 --> 00:41:47,040
Speaker 4: I feel like this has been an incredible journey that

869
00:41:47,040 --> 00:41:49,839
Speaker 4: we've taken together and I've just loved every second of it.

870
00:41:50,000 --> 00:41:51,960
Speaker 1: I agree, And you know, I'm like you said, I

871
00:41:52,000 --> 00:41:53,920
Speaker 1: know we kind of rag about our families today a bit,

872
00:41:53,960 --> 00:41:56,600
Speaker 1: but I am very lucky in the grand scheme that

873
00:41:56,640 --> 00:42:00,440
Speaker 1: I have a loving, supportive family. On that note, let's

874
00:42:00,520 --> 00:42:03,799
Speaker 1: tell our lovely listeners, who we are also very grateful for.

875
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Speaker 1: Where we're heading next in our grand tour of grown

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Speaker 1: up stuff.

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Speaker 4: Well, they'll remember a few weeks ago we talked about

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Speaker 4: buying or leasing a car, and next up we'll talk

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Speaker 4: about taking care of that car.

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Speaker 5: That's right.

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Speaker 4: Jamie page Eeden from Car Talk is back and we're

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Speaker 4: talking oil changes, windshield wipers, tire rotation, all that good stuff.

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00:42:23,760 --> 00:42:27,560
Speaker 1: And wigeurizing our car because winter is coming and I

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00:42:27,600 --> 00:42:30,440
Speaker 1: need to know if my dad's old standby of putting

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00:42:30,480 --> 00:42:33,239
Speaker 1: sandbags in the trunk of the car to stop it

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00:42:33,239 --> 00:42:35,000
Speaker 1: from skidding on the ice and snow.

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Speaker 2: Is actually a useful practice or something he just made up.

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Speaker 5: I feel like that's not a thing. Sandbags one's as

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Speaker 5: large as a small twelve year old.

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Speaker 4: We'll definitely find out if that's the thing and more

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Speaker 4: in two weeks on grown up stuff, how do adult?

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Speaker 1: And remember you might not be graded in life, but

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Speaker 1: it never hurts to do your homework.

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Speaker 4: This is a production from Ruby Studio from iHeartMedia. Our

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Speaker 4: executive producers are Mally Sosha and Matt Stillo.

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Speaker 2: This episode was engineered by the Great Matt Stello.

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00:43:01,360 --> 00:43:03,400
Speaker 5: And written by the Great Malisosha.

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Speaker 2: Additional editing y Sierra Spreen.

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Speaker 4: We want to thank our teammates at Ruby Studio, including

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Speaker 4: Ethan Fixel, rachels Van Krasnoff, Amber Smith, Deborah Garrett, and

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Speaker 4: Andy Kelly