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Speaker 1: Either everybody. In this episode, Robank and I reveal that

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Speaker 1: we have been in couples counseling with two licensed therapists

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Speaker 1: the past year and it hasn't cost us a dime. Also,

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Speaker 1: whatever you think is the problem in your relationship, it's

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Speaker 1: not really the problem. We're going to tell you what

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Speaker 1: your problem is. And also, one of the foremost and

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Speaker 1: visible relationship experts in the country does not believe you

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Speaker 1: can fall in love. And with that, everybody, welcome to

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Speaker 1: this episode of Amy and TJ Robes. Falling in love?

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Speaker 1: You with it, you're not with You believe it's possible.

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Speaker 2: I think you can fall in lust and then you grow.

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Speaker 1: In love, growing love, but not fall in love.

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Speaker 2: I think you fallen lust. I think that's true, and

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Speaker 2: I think I think love comes with time and with

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Speaker 2: really knowing someone. You don't really I don't think you

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Speaker 2: can really love someone until you truly know someone and

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Speaker 2: accept all of their faults so you can come with them.

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Speaker 1: So I assume love at first sight is not something.

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Speaker 3: You think is possible.

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Speaker 2: I think it's lust at first sight.

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Speaker 1: Okay, what is this is my fault? I set myself

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Speaker 1: up every time I was talking to you about fall

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Speaker 1: in love. You go back to this lust thing, and

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Speaker 1: I have to hear about all this lustful relationship pastry

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Speaker 1: you've had, you did it last time. Yeah, I've been

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Speaker 1: in a lust of lot. Y'all remember, right, they're laughing,

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Speaker 1: they remember. But it's fascinating to hear that everybody. I think,

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Speaker 1: generally speaking, you hear so many people talk about I

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Speaker 1: fell in love and then I fell in love a

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Speaker 1: couple of times, or I've been in love a few times,

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Speaker 1: but that a relationship expert doesn't believe that's the case

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Speaker 1: is fascinating to hear, and we're talking about it. We've

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Speaker 1: talked about it a lot on this on our podcast.

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Speaker 1: Some of the shows we've been watching, and some of

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Speaker 1: them we were initially wanted to be kind of dismissed.

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Speaker 1: I stay dismissive in that a ninety day fiance or

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Speaker 1: merit at first sight, like this is silly, that'll never work,

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Speaker 1: this is just for entertainment purposes. But you and I

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Speaker 1: have sat and watched these shows and went, wow, we

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Speaker 1: are learning in watching how people communicate.

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Speaker 2: Right, Because yes, of course it's entertaining. But what you're seeing,

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Speaker 2: I believe, are people who are desperate to want to

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Speaker 2: be together, but don't necessarily know as I think we

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Speaker 2: can all put ourselves in this situation. We don't know

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Speaker 2: how best to communicate with each other, to commiserate, to

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Speaker 2: support each other. We just our egos get in the way.

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Speaker 2: And it's easy to see it in other people and

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Speaker 2: much harder to acknowledge it in yourself. But sometimes when

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Speaker 2: we're watching these shows, I'm like, oh, oh, I do that,

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Speaker 2: you know, and you actually get some self reflection by

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Speaker 2: seeing other people put themselves out there. And it's easier

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Speaker 2: to witness it first than someone else and then maybe

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Speaker 2: hopefully acknowledge it in yourself.

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Speaker 1: But we watch it sometimes we see I'll see the

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Speaker 1: guy saying something in a certain way to his wife

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Speaker 1: and uncle and see it that way. But it is

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Speaker 1: I think there is incredible value now in the show.

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Speaker 1: I would have been dismissive ahead of time, but now

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Speaker 1: that I've watched, they wonderful experiments in relationships and communication,

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Speaker 1: which is always key. Now, I said, you and I

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Speaker 1: have been in in couples counseling the past year, but

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Speaker 1: our counselors don't realize they were counseling us all. One

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Speaker 1: of them was the guy we had on the show,

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Speaker 1: good friend of ours, Jeff Guardier, doctor Guardia America Psychologists.

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Speaker 1: But we had him on to talk about I don't

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Speaker 1: even remember the first time, and it turns into a

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Speaker 1: session for you and I to talk about our relationship.

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Speaker 2: We started asking questions, he started giving us advice, and

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Speaker 2: we thought, wait, what's happening. I think we're having a

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Speaker 2: therapy session right now. And it worked, and I think

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Speaker 2: a lot of people got a lot of really good

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Speaker 2: actionable information from it.

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Speaker 1: And doctor Guardia, you can keep sending those invoices if

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Speaker 1: you want, but yeah, we're probably not gonna respond. But

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Speaker 1: the other person that's been giving us counseling, who had

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Speaker 1: no idea probably until this moment, is God by the

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Speaker 1: name of Pastor cow now Pastor cal you all know

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Speaker 1: because the show has been wildly popular. Here is one

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Speaker 1: of the experts. It's the therapist on married at for

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Speaker 1: a site, which has been around now for seventeen seasons.

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Speaker 1: I think this is two thousand and oh help me

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Speaker 1: with the year, but it's been around two thousand and

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Speaker 1: four I think was first launched, maybe, but almost twenty years, yes,

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Speaker 1: and all these seasons. But we have watched I think

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Speaker 1: we really love him. Doctor Pepper is on there as well,

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Speaker 1: Pepper Schwartz. Yeah, you don't know, but to hear to

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Speaker 1: see how they counsel and sometimes are hard on these

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Speaker 1: people on this show to some tough love, like you

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Speaker 1: got to stop doing that. And it's been fun to watch.

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Speaker 1: And he is one that we loved, loved watching.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, Pastor cal actually and funny. I looked him up

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Speaker 2: today and saw that he's got some Michigan roots, and

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Speaker 2: that actually made a lot of sense to me because

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Speaker 2: some of the things he says I hear from my

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Speaker 2: Michigan parents. Love is a decision was one of the

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Speaker 2: biggest things my mom had always preached, and I never

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Speaker 2: really understood it. It didn't really click for me until

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Speaker 2: much much later in life. But I heard Pastor kel

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Speaker 2: saying the very same thing, and I get it now.

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Speaker 2: It's it's the hard times that you choose to love

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Speaker 2: so one even when you don't like them in the

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Speaker 2: moment maybe, And those are the moments where you're choosing

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Speaker 2: to love someone and to put what they need ahead

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Speaker 2: of what you want. And to me, that's when it

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Speaker 2: it's the hardest. But when you get on the other

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Speaker 2: side of it. That's where the beauty is.

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Speaker 1: Okay, But Pastor cow As we bring you in here, now,

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Speaker 1: what is wrong with all of us? And I'll raise

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Speaker 1: my hand here as well. You heard what she just said, Pastor,

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Speaker 1: call that folks think that you have that love is

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Speaker 1: not well? How'd you just put it? That your mom

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Speaker 1: is always.

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Speaker 2: It's it's a decision, is not a feeling.

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Speaker 1: It's a decision, okay, But what is wrong with any

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Speaker 1: of us having this romanticized idea of He's shaking his

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Speaker 1: head already. Come on, Pastor, cal this a romanticized idea

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Speaker 1: of being able to actually fall in love and that

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Speaker 1: being a real thing. Are we do we need to

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Speaker 1: get away from that?

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Speaker 3: Yeah? I mean, hey, why it's good to be with

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Speaker 3: you guys. Good to see you again, te j. So look,

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Speaker 3: here's what's so cool and it's so interesting about love

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Speaker 3: and about this whole thing, is that, you know, I

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Speaker 3: think that the idea of falling in love is a

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Speaker 3: Western idea. It's one that we in America and in

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Speaker 3: the West, we really rally to that idea of falling falling,

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Speaker 3: falling in love. Roughly about seventy percent or so marriages

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Speaker 3: worldwide are arranged. These are marriages that have nothing to

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Speaker 3: do with with your feeling. They have to do with

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Speaker 3: coming together because you're joining legacies, you're joining families, you're

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Speaker 3: joining purposes, and then you learn to grow in love

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Speaker 3: after that. Those are and incidentally, those relationships, those marriages

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Speaker 3: have over a ninety percent success rate where people grow

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Speaker 3: in love. So, yeah, the Western idea of romantic sizing

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Speaker 3: and oh my god, you so fine, man, I gotta

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Speaker 3: be with you, you know, just like you said, Amy,

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Speaker 3: it's you're falling in lust. You know, it's it's something

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Speaker 3: that we've gotten so accustomed to. But I believe that

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Speaker 3: every time you fall in anything, you get hurt because

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Speaker 3: you have no control over it. And the notion that

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Speaker 3: you have no control over, over, over over this thing

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Speaker 3: that I'm just I just tripped. It's just out there

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Speaker 3: somewhere and I just tripped it. Oops, I'm in. It

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Speaker 3: is ludicrous that you fall into it. I have no

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Speaker 3: control over it. It just happens to me without any

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Speaker 3: kind of without my input. It just happened. Now, choosing

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Speaker 3: to love says, hey, look there's something in you. I

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Speaker 3: see a value. I'm making a conscious decision to fulfill

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Speaker 3: your legitimate needs, and that decision is going to be there,

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Speaker 3: That commitment is going to be there irrespective of how

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Speaker 3: I feel, irrespective of what I feel good about you

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Speaker 3: today and I don't feel good about you tomorrow, I'm

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Speaker 3: going to be there.

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Speaker 4: Wow.

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Speaker 2: So what what is what is that?

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Speaker 3: You know?

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Speaker 2: What is the I'm curious though, because that seems tough

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Speaker 2: and hard to do and all of those things. I mean,

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Speaker 2: it's easy to say and really hard to do in

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Speaker 2: the moment. What is your best case for getting married?

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Speaker 2: What's the value in getting married? Why not just being

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Speaker 2: lost and go from person to person to person and

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Speaker 2: just seek that feeling that dopamine hit. What is the

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Speaker 2: case for marriage that you would make to people the

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Speaker 2: case for marriage?

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Speaker 3: That is such a great question. You know, I believe

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Speaker 3: the marriage is honestly one of the building blocks of

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Speaker 3: a stable society. And I don't want to get you know, philosophical,

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Speaker 3: but I believe it is. I believe that, you know, marriages,

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Speaker 3: you start with marriage, then you have family, then families

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Speaker 3: build communities, then communities build cities, and cities build countries.

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Speaker 3: I believe the marriage is at the foundation. So when

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Speaker 3: people really start poopooing on marriage and say, you know,

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Speaker 3: you don't have to get married or whatever whatever. I

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Speaker 3: don't buy it. I don't buy it because I know

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Speaker 3: people who've been together forever. Well, I don't see. I

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Speaker 3: don't feel it's just a piece of paper, and they

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Speaker 3: can say that crap. I'm sorry. Can I just be

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Speaker 3: honest with yes? Please, they can say that crap. That

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Speaker 3: is just a piece of paper. I feel someone all

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Speaker 3: of a sudden, you know, doesn't want to be with

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Speaker 3: him anymore, you know, then all of a sudden they

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Speaker 3: wish that paper was there because that paper is actually

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Speaker 3: it brings legitimacy to it.

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Speaker 1: Okay, but please, you said bring legitimacy, but it's almost

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Speaker 1: it just makes it harder to break up. Robot and

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Speaker 1: I were talking about this not too terribly long ago,

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Speaker 1: and the Goldie Hawn Kurt Russell example. She always uses.

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Speaker 1: They have chosen to be together all this time and

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Speaker 1: never went down to a courthouse. And that's fine, but

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Speaker 1: there was some value or something more beautiful about someone. Right,

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Speaker 1: do you do you cage the bird or do you

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Speaker 1: give them the option to fly every day? And then

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Speaker 1: they keep coming back to you that argument? So please

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Speaker 1: help explain in all seriousness. Why that piece of pap

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Speaker 1: per still is so important.

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Speaker 3: Well, I believe that the piece of paper is important

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Speaker 3: because you know, there there is a there's a saying

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Speaker 3: which says, you know that the things that I'll just

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Speaker 3: tell you, I'm a pastor, so I'm going to give

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Speaker 3: you a text. It says, give to Caesar the things

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Speaker 3: that belonged to Caesar and the God and things that

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Speaker 3: belong to God. And here's what it means. It means simply,

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Speaker 3: the legal laws of the land should prevail when they can,

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Speaker 3: and you should give credence to those when you can.

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Speaker 3: And your moral convictions, your moral convictions and the things

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Speaker 3: that you do morally, Okay, you have to consider that

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Speaker 3: as well. So they have so. So the piece of

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Speaker 3: paper is a is a is a thing that you

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Speaker 3: give to Caesar. The piece of paper is a It

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Speaker 3: is a way that people that the states recognize, the

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Speaker 3: cities recognize, the countries recognize that you're actually legally connected

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Speaker 3: to that person. I often believe that people don't want

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Speaker 3: to get married. They don't want the piece of paper

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Speaker 3: because they don't want that legal connection. I talked to

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Speaker 3: somebody recently who they've been together for fifteen years and

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Speaker 3: he refuses to marry her, and she said, well, if

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Speaker 3: it was up to me, we'd be married. And he's like, well, yeah,

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Speaker 3: but I'm just scared because I had a marriage before

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Speaker 3: and it failed, YadA YadA and all that. I'm like, dude,

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Speaker 3: you're not ready to give up your assets.

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Speaker 1: Okay, that's a lot of people would say that's legit pastical.

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Speaker 3: You already, I mean, come on, but real commitment says

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Speaker 3: all that I have is yours and all that you

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Speaker 3: have is mine, and the legality of marriage ensures that.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, how do you know that he or she is

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Speaker 2: the one? Do you believe that there's that that light

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Speaker 2: bulb like the one? I'm curious.

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Speaker 3: I don't you know what? Amy, I don't Okay, this

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Speaker 3: is not okay? Is there one?

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Speaker 2: Right?

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Speaker 3: No? I don't believe in though one. Okay, I believe

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Speaker 3: that there are a number of people that you could

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Speaker 3: possibly be happy with. It comes down to choosing. If

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Speaker 3: you believe that there is only the one, what happens

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Speaker 3: to that one? If God forbid, something happens to them

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Speaker 3: and they are in an accident before you meet them,

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Speaker 3: or if they're born in Afghanistan or any kind of

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Speaker 3: things that would happen. I mean, what happens if you

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Speaker 3: never meet that one, then you're just destined to be

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Speaker 3: alone because you're not the one. No grown ups make

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Speaker 3: choices to love. We find people who are compatible, who

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Speaker 3: share our values, who have even if our values are

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Speaker 3: different different, they are compatibly different. The differences are compatible.

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Speaker 3: You're an extrovert, I'm an introvert. We balance each other out,

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Speaker 3: you know, or whatever those values are regardless, you know

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Speaker 3: where those people. When we find those people, we make decisions.

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Speaker 3: You know, this person is worth me giving myself to.

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Speaker 3: I'm making a decision to legitimately commit myself to them,

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Speaker 3: for better or for worse, for Richard, for poor, sickness

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Speaker 3: and in health, but seeking all others and financial you know,

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Speaker 3: on no matter what happens till death to us part.

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Speaker 3: That is the commitment. And you make that with your mind,

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Speaker 3: not with your heart. The heart follows, but the mind

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Speaker 3: begins to g.

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Speaker 1: Pastica ell on that point. And I think everybody's we

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Speaker 1: didn't really explain what meritive first sight is. I think

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Speaker 1: everybody knows what if you're not aware. The show essentially,

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Speaker 1: as people meet at the altar, they don't know each

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Speaker 1: other's name, they don't know anything but the experts. Essentially,

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Speaker 1: you all go through and try to find people who

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Speaker 1: are compatible. They meet at the altar, and then the

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Speaker 1: marriage goes on and they have I think a couple

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Speaker 1: of months to decide whether or not they can continue the

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Speaker 1: marriage or get a DIVORCEE Okay, So here's the thing

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Speaker 1: Robot just asked you about making the case for marriage.

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Speaker 1: Can you make the case for divorce? Because you all

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Speaker 1: on the show so often say you're not giving enough time,

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Speaker 1: you're quitting too early. You can make this work if

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Speaker 1: you want to. So given that it seems like there's

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Speaker 1: rarely could be and I'm not talking about extreme cases

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Speaker 1: of abuse or something like that in the house. That's different,

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Speaker 1: but can't what case can there be for getting divorced? If,

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Speaker 1: like you said, if your mind, if you're committed to it,

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Speaker 1: you can do.

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Speaker 3: It, you know, And that's a great, great question. I'm

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Speaker 3: not the guy. My wife and I when we sit

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Speaker 3: down with couples and talk with him, we're not the

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Speaker 3: people who will say, you know what, just sticking there,

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Speaker 3: no matter what, you can make it. You'll make it,

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Speaker 3: you know, no matter what's going on just hanging it.

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Speaker 3: That's not us. If there's emotional abuse, I mean, it's

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Speaker 3: severe emotional abuse. And if the person is just completely

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Speaker 3: just intractable, that person will not change, okay, and that

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Speaker 3: person is just going to be a butthole. I mean,

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Speaker 3: it's just the way they are. And you're suffering emotional abuse.

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Speaker 3: If your children are abusive, if they're drug abuse, and

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Speaker 3: you decide to divorce, that's your call. That's completely your call.

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Speaker 3: And I have even told couples, I've told individuals rather

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Speaker 3: that it's will end couples. I've said, you know what,

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Speaker 3: it's important at this point that you consider whether or

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Speaker 3: not this marriage is worth saving, because in my opinion,

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Speaker 3: it's not. It's not. So I do believe that there

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Speaker 3: are some instances where it's now and the religious community

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Speaker 3: is going to eat me up for this, and personally,

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Speaker 3: I don't care, Okay, for the fact, I really don't.

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Speaker 3: For the fact is. The fact is, I'm a realist.

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Speaker 3: I'm a realist, and even in the.

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Speaker 5: Religious community, and I know this is not a religious show,

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Speaker 5: but even the religious community, I can find instance after

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Speaker 5: the instance throughout scripture where people have divorced and gotten remarried, divorce,

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Speaker 5: got remarried because.

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Speaker 3: I believe that, you know, the ideal situation is the

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Speaker 3: marry one person that stayed with him forever. That's the

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Speaker 3: ideal situation where doesn't always happen. No, I'm a second time.

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Speaker 3: I was. I was married once before. My wife and

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Speaker 3: I we both second time. You know, the first when

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Speaker 3: we were young, we were dumb, we had no knowledge,

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Speaker 3: we knew nothing of what we were doing. We made

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Speaker 3: very bad decisions, incredibly bad decisions. All we stuck with

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Speaker 3: those decisions until we die. Well, you know, circumstances made

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Speaker 3: it so that we could not stick with those decisions,

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Speaker 3: and so we got we divorced, and then we found

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Speaker 3: each other. And I believe we did a good job

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Speaker 3: in finding each other and making that decision to love.

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Speaker 3: But I do think that, you know it, marriage can

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Speaker 3: be difficult, but you know, there are some situations we're leaving.

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Speaker 3: Each of them might be the answer.

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Speaker 2: I mean, I actually had therapists in both of my

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Speaker 2: marriages tell me that that it was not savable, So

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Speaker 2: you know, I mean, it's you know, I've gotten that advice,

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Speaker 2: and it did feel good to at least feel like

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Speaker 2: a professional agreed with the situation. Can I ask you

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Speaker 2: a question, a personal question, pastor cal you, what has

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Speaker 2: been the biggest challenge in your marriage?

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Speaker 3: That's good. That's good, as Tej's. That's good, Robot. Probably

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Speaker 3: the biggest challenge in my marriage and our marriage. We're

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Speaker 3: a blended family. I had two children from a previous marriage.

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Speaker 3: My wife came in with our incredible daughter. I had

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Speaker 3: two boys and still do have two boys. They all

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Speaker 3: live here now. We consider ourselves one family. We've gone

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Speaker 3: through a lot of changes, a lot of trials and

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Speaker 3: what have you. But I think that raising kids in

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Speaker 3: a blended family has been our biggest challene. So I

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Speaker 3: think anything that Wynnie and I has gone, we've gone

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Speaker 3: through that we have been able to overcome it. We've

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Speaker 3: we've had arguments, yes, we've had some money ones, you know,

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Speaker 3: and we we understood something that we've never done. We've

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Speaker 3: never mentioned the D word. We don't even bring it up,

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Speaker 3: even no matter how bad it gets. And it's it's

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Speaker 3: different because we both got married, we're a little older.

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Speaker 3: You know, we've gone through stuff before. You know, we

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Speaker 3: we knew the real deal and we knew that once

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Speaker 3: we got married. Okay, fine, this is it forever And

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Speaker 3: we've stuck to that. But I think the biggest challenge

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Speaker 3: has been raising children. And for me, my kids were

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Speaker 3: a little older, you know, a teenager and one in

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Speaker 3: his late teens and one in as mid early teens.

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Speaker 3: And then raising those kids with us having different parenting

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Speaker 3: styles and just making that whole thing work has been

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Speaker 3: a pain in okay, But we're at a point now

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Speaker 3: where all that hard work and all that difficulty is

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Speaker 3: paying off and we're like, hey, you know, we actually

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Speaker 3: getting along now. Everybody's great. You know, I think everybody

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Speaker 3: loved me, so it's it's a good thing now. But man,

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Speaker 3: it was tough.

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Speaker 1: We we can relate. We got to the other side

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Speaker 1: of that not too terribly long ago, in the in

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Speaker 1: recent months, so we know what that feels like. And

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Speaker 1: like you're saying that that was the biggest challenge, But

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Speaker 1: something else you've you've always said, no matter what do

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Speaker 1: you think your problem is in your relationship, whether that's finances,

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Speaker 1: whether that's fidelity, whether that's blended fans, whatever, you said,

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Speaker 1: that's not the problem. The problem is how you're communicating

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Speaker 1: about that problem. So it's still even with your case,

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Speaker 1: would you say It's still all about communication, oh man.

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Speaker 3: Absolutely absolutely, there is nothing to people cannot overcome if

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Speaker 3: they're willing to be vulnerable and talk about it, listen

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Speaker 3: to each other's opinions, relent, give up when you know

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Speaker 3: you're wrong, Okay, give in and understand that even if

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Speaker 3: you're right, you have to extend grace and those two

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Speaker 3: people can then come together and find a solution. I

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Speaker 3: believe that. And it's and I'm glad you said that

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Speaker 3: because you know I wrote about that in my book

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Speaker 3: right there, in case you didn't know.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, marriage a for punks, right.

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Speaker 3: I believe that how you communicate about it, it is

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Speaker 3: absolutely it's vital to your success. With my wife and I,

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Speaker 3: how we communicate about our dislike and I mean that

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Speaker 3: our dislike of our children. And that's tough, that's tough,

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Speaker 3: but you will me be straight. Let's be straight.

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Speaker 1: We get it. We get it.

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Speaker 3: We love our kids. I can say without question that

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Speaker 3: when they absolutely loves my sons, and I absolutely love

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Speaker 3: our daughter, I mean her daughter, our daughter, my son,

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Speaker 3: our sons. I think we absolutely But do we always

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Speaker 3: like them?

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Speaker 2: The look on his face right now says no, no.

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Speaker 3: Absolutely, not absolutely not. But how we communicate to each other,

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Speaker 3: and it will open and honest about expressing that and

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Speaker 3: not taking offense at it. You know, even though it

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Speaker 3: might be a little offensive, we don't take offense at it,

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Speaker 3: not really. You know. We'll listen and we'll say, you

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Speaker 3: know what, I don't really like her right now. I

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Speaker 3: really don't like him right now. You know why, We'll

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Speaker 3: tell me about it, and we talk about it. We're

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Speaker 3: willing because at the root of everything we're discussing, we

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Speaker 3: know that we want our marriage and our family to work.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm curious. This is always a big question people ask,

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Speaker 2: chemistry or compatibility. Do you have to have chemistry? Do

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Speaker 2: you have to have compatibility to make a marriage work?

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Speaker 3: You know what, I think that first of all, we

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Speaker 3: have to define chemistry because we believe I think quite

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Speaker 3: often it's almost like the falling in love concept. We

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Speaker 3: look at chemistry as an ethereal thing that floats out there,

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Speaker 3: and you know, we'll walk into the midst of it

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Speaker 3: and booth, there it is. You know, we connect. You know,

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Speaker 3: the cupid has slung its arrow and stuck through both

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Speaker 3: of us, and hey, we got chemistry. You know, I

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Speaker 3: believe chemistry can be created. Do you remember in high

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Speaker 3: school MIDB and middles scho I don't know when it

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Speaker 3: was for me, but when we did science experiments and

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Speaker 3: you put baking soda and vinegar, I think, and it

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Speaker 3: makes the volcano.

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Speaker 1: You're creating.

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Speaker 3: You're creating chemistry, right, You're taking two ingredients, putting them

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Speaker 3: together and you're making an explosion. It's the same thing

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Speaker 3: in a relationship. I've seen it over and over again.

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Speaker 3: People say, we don't love each other, we don't have

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Speaker 3: chemistry anymore. But if you do the things that are

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Speaker 3: necessary for chemistry to be there, then the chemistry will return.

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Speaker 3: But when you stop doing those things, it will lead.

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Speaker 3: But it's totally based on what you create.

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Speaker 1: What are the things pastical?

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Speaker 3: What are the things that you do for instance, And

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Speaker 3: I'm so glad you asked that. Here's some of the

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Speaker 3: things you can do to create chemistry, for instance, kindness.

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Speaker 3: You know, what are you actually doing? You'll notice that

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Speaker 3: one of the first thing that happens if there's a

430
00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:18,159
Speaker 3: disagreement or an argument is that you stop touching. Okay,

431
00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:20,560
Speaker 3: you go to the east side, you go to the

432
00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:22,960
Speaker 3: west side, north or south. I mean, the hell are

433
00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:26,320
Speaker 3: you sleeping? But you know you you separate each other,

434
00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:32,560
Speaker 3: keeping touch, keeping constant touch is a way of reminding

435
00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:36,399
Speaker 3: yourselves that we want to be together. Doctor Pepperah, I'll

436
00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:38,119
Speaker 3: give her credit for this. She always talked about it

437
00:23:38,119 --> 00:23:40,560
Speaker 3: with our couples. She says, when you're arguing whole hands

438
00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:43,000
Speaker 3: and it's so difficult, it's very difficult.

439
00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:44,960
Speaker 1: I agree that difficult.

440
00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:47,280
Speaker 3: But when you add rechet, because one person is going

441
00:23:47,359 --> 00:23:49,119
Speaker 3: to pull away and all of it is gonna be like,

442
00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:50,760
Speaker 3: I don't want to touch you. What are you crazy?

443
00:23:51,240 --> 00:23:55,359
Speaker 3: She's gonna cut me. No. But but you have to.

444
00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:58,320
Speaker 3: You have to do those things that people in love

445
00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:01,359
Speaker 3: do if you want to be in love. It's almost

446
00:24:01,359 --> 00:24:03,760
Speaker 3: like you have to touch. Okay, you have to do

447
00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:07,159
Speaker 3: kind gestures. I made up in my mind early on

448
00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:08,960
Speaker 3: in our marriage. But there are some things that I'm

449
00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:11,080
Speaker 3: always going to do for my wife, irrespective of how

450
00:24:11,119 --> 00:24:14,840
Speaker 3: I feel. I will always open the door for her,

451
00:24:15,720 --> 00:24:18,359
Speaker 3: no matter where, no matter what. I now might open

452
00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:19,879
Speaker 3: it and then when she gets in, I'll slam it,

453
00:24:20,119 --> 00:24:27,200
Speaker 3: but I'll open it. Get it in the car. No,

454
00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:30,720
Speaker 3: but I know, seriously, I'll open the door for her

455
00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:32,600
Speaker 3: all the time. I'm always going to try to be

456
00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:34,480
Speaker 3: kind to her. I'm always going to try to run

457
00:24:34,480 --> 00:24:36,119
Speaker 3: to her aid and she does the same thing to me.

458
00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:39,199
Speaker 3: It's not one sided, you know, irrespectable, what's going on?

459
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:42,000
Speaker 3: You know, I like, I like maybe okay, I'm telling

460
00:24:42,040 --> 00:24:45,040
Speaker 3: you I'm a business now. Sometimes you know, she she

461
00:24:45,119 --> 00:24:47,120
Speaker 3: started this ritual when I went to bed. When we'd

462
00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:49,639
Speaker 3: go to bed, right before we go go to sleep,

463
00:24:49,720 --> 00:24:53,479
Speaker 3: she'll go to the bathroom and warm a handcloth or

464
00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:56,040
Speaker 3: a wash cloth or whatever, and she'd get a nice

465
00:24:56,040 --> 00:24:58,040
Speaker 3: and warm and hot and come and just wipe my

466
00:24:58,119 --> 00:25:00,919
Speaker 3: face with it before Man, it's awesome. So she just

467
00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:03,840
Speaker 3: wipe my face he's down, you know, before we go

468
00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:06,760
Speaker 3: to sleep. And it's so tough to do all the time.

469
00:25:06,920 --> 00:25:08,960
Speaker 3: Sometimes she might forget, but she does that and that's

470
00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:12,359
Speaker 3: so appreciative. But even when we're not feeling good about

471
00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:15,520
Speaker 3: each other, you do those kindnesses, You do those things.

472
00:25:15,560 --> 00:25:17,800
Speaker 3: Those are the things that you do when you are

473
00:25:17,840 --> 00:25:20,840
Speaker 3: feeling good about each other. Just try push through your

474
00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:23,520
Speaker 3: negativity and do those things when you're not feeling about

475
00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:26,040
Speaker 3: good about each other, and you'll see the chemistry start

476
00:25:26,040 --> 00:25:29,760
Speaker 3: to return. It'll it'll start to return because your brain

477
00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:32,080
Speaker 3: always leads your heart.

478
00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:35,600
Speaker 2: Follows, Yeah, it's funny sometimes if we've had a tense

479
00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:38,320
Speaker 2: day and we hold hands a lot. But sometimes if

480
00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:41,439
Speaker 2: we're not even talking that much. Like sometimes when we

481
00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:43,439
Speaker 2: do that, you'll just squeeze my hand and like we

482
00:25:43,480 --> 00:25:46,399
Speaker 2: don't even have to say anything. It's just that nonverbal

483
00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:49,399
Speaker 2: communications like okay, all right, we're gonna we're gonna be okay,

484
00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:50,840
Speaker 2: you know what I'm talking about.

485
00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:54,120
Speaker 3: We do that all the time too. My wife, she's

486
00:25:54,119 --> 00:25:59,680
Speaker 3: standing here now, put your hand. She's laughing.

487
00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:02,160
Speaker 1: She's waiting to smack you and case you in case

488
00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:04,120
Speaker 1: you speak out a turn about this marriage.

489
00:26:06,440 --> 00:26:11,200
Speaker 3: You know. But yeah, but I I love I love marriage.

490
00:26:11,640 --> 00:26:16,920
Speaker 3: I love marriage even when it's bad. It's it's not terrible.

491
00:26:19,359 --> 00:26:22,760
Speaker 3: You know, when you're with the person that you know

492
00:26:23,240 --> 00:26:26,080
Speaker 3: has your back. I tell for quite often that it's like,

493
00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:31,679
Speaker 3: you know, your your mate is there two to be

494
00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:35,000
Speaker 3: a witness to your life. You know, because this is

495
00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:38,399
Speaker 3: the person who sees all the insignificant things that no

496
00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:41,879
Speaker 3: one else sees. He or she. They they care about

497
00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:45,320
Speaker 3: things that no one else would ever care about. You know,

498
00:26:46,119 --> 00:26:49,399
Speaker 3: you you change a habit, you do something different. You know,

499
00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:53,280
Speaker 3: you you have some insignificant concern that nobody gives up

500
00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:58,480
Speaker 3: fart about excuse me. But what happens is that she cares.

501
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:01,960
Speaker 3: You know, he pays a Oh you've changed your hair.

502
00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:05,360
Speaker 3: Oh this is different. Oh that's different. All that stuff

503
00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:10,520
Speaker 3: is someone being a witness to your existence, a witness

504
00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:13,720
Speaker 3: that you matter, and that there's none better than that.

505
00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:17,440
Speaker 1: Pastic how I helped folks with I think something so key.

506
00:27:17,480 --> 00:27:20,040
Speaker 1: When you were talking about how communication was so important.

507
00:27:20,359 --> 00:27:24,360
Speaker 1: You said, yes, communication, But then in the next word

508
00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:27,600
Speaker 1: or two you said vulnerability. You said you have to

509
00:27:27,640 --> 00:27:30,520
Speaker 1: be vulnerable in the midst of that communication. And I

510
00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:33,600
Speaker 1: think that is probably a place where people do struggle.

511
00:27:34,040 --> 00:27:37,639
Speaker 1: Everybody listening has had some argument in a relationship and

512
00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:40,359
Speaker 1: that moment has come up in communication and you're not

513
00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:43,960
Speaker 1: willing to be vulnerable. Sometimes it's ego and say, well,

514
00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:45,560
Speaker 1: you're not going to be vulnerable. I'm not going to

515
00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:47,760
Speaker 1: be hurt by putting myself out there. Will you help

516
00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:50,879
Speaker 1: folks for a moment with that part? How do you

517
00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:55,520
Speaker 1: make sure you train yourself to be vulnerable even if

518
00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:58,679
Speaker 1: you might not be getting that in return immediately, and

519
00:27:58,680 --> 00:28:01,560
Speaker 1: you don't feel safe with the person necessarily emotionally at least,

520
00:28:02,440 --> 00:28:02,800
Speaker 1: And I.

521
00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:04,560
Speaker 3: Think that's it. I think you just you just made

522
00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:07,359
Speaker 3: you just said a key word, they're safe. I think

523
00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:15,399
Speaker 3: that vulnerability requires understanding and the idea of of a

524
00:28:16,160 --> 00:28:18,280
Speaker 3: wife being vulnerable to her husband, or a husband being

525
00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:22,960
Speaker 3: vulnerable to is his wife. It's it's easier to be

526
00:28:23,040 --> 00:28:24,960
Speaker 3: that way when you feel like that person understands you,

527
00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:29,040
Speaker 3: and that word understands means that you actually stand under you,

528
00:28:29,119 --> 00:28:31,080
Speaker 3: actually are there. You're there as a soft place for

529
00:28:31,119 --> 00:28:33,800
Speaker 3: that person to land. You know you're standing under you

530
00:28:34,400 --> 00:28:38,960
Speaker 3: understand me. And so it's like, you know, if if

531
00:28:39,120 --> 00:28:42,520
Speaker 3: if I'm being vulnerable to you, and if I'm giving

532
00:28:42,520 --> 00:28:45,880
Speaker 3: you something personal about me or I'm saying something to you,

533
00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:48,280
Speaker 3: I need to know that you're standing under me and

534
00:28:48,320 --> 00:28:54,040
Speaker 3: you're making my words my life. Who all that I am?

535
00:28:54,200 --> 00:28:56,640
Speaker 3: You're giving me that safe place to land. And I

536
00:28:56,640 --> 00:28:59,680
Speaker 3: think that's so tough for people. So I understand when

537
00:28:59,680 --> 00:29:01,800
Speaker 3: people are not vulnerable. I understand when they when they

538
00:29:01,840 --> 00:29:04,120
Speaker 3: when they when they recoil, when they pull back. Who

539
00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:06,600
Speaker 3: wants to expose himself to someone who's going to hurt them.

540
00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:10,120
Speaker 3: We have an exercise that we give couples called naked Moments,

541
00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:13,120
Speaker 3: and you know you can do without what you will

542
00:29:13,160 --> 00:29:16,680
Speaker 3: in your mind. But it's called naked need to give

543
00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:23,800
Speaker 3: and naked moments is sort of a catchphrase that that

544
00:29:23,920 --> 00:29:27,720
Speaker 3: we use whenever you need to have a completely open,

545
00:29:27,840 --> 00:29:31,600
Speaker 3: honest and vulnerable conversation. And even after we'ven married all

546
00:29:31,640 --> 00:29:33,080
Speaker 3: these years, we still do this. We say, you know,

547
00:29:33,160 --> 00:29:35,160
Speaker 3: I need a naked moment. And when you say that,

548
00:29:35,480 --> 00:29:38,440
Speaker 3: a person's you know it's it's almost like a safe word,

549
00:29:38,920 --> 00:29:40,800
Speaker 3: and you know the light should go on. It means

550
00:29:40,840 --> 00:29:43,680
Speaker 3: you put down your phone, you get away from the TV,

551
00:29:44,320 --> 00:29:46,719
Speaker 3: you get away from anything distracting, and you lock in

552
00:29:47,240 --> 00:29:50,760
Speaker 3: and listen to your partner. Now you're going to listen

553
00:29:50,760 --> 00:29:55,560
Speaker 3: without distraction. You're going to listen not for reasons to retort.

554
00:29:55,640 --> 00:29:59,520
Speaker 3: You're not listening for rebuttal You're listening for understanding because

555
00:29:59,520 --> 00:30:03,280
Speaker 3: it is an incredibly important moment. You have an opportunity

556
00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:07,120
Speaker 3: for this person to reveal themselves to you. Now, in

557
00:30:07,200 --> 00:30:11,000
Speaker 3: revealing yourself to a person, you have to understand that

558
00:30:11,080 --> 00:30:12,960
Speaker 3: the listener or the receiver, the ones who's hearing this,

559
00:30:13,320 --> 00:30:16,680
Speaker 3: that the one who's giving it, the sharer, that persons

560
00:30:16,720 --> 00:30:20,120
Speaker 3: giving you a weapon. And it's because all of a sudden,

561
00:30:20,120 --> 00:30:21,880
Speaker 3: if I'm telling you about me, and I'm telling you

562
00:30:21,920 --> 00:30:25,320
Speaker 3: about how I feel. All my nerves are exposed. I'm here,

563
00:30:25,400 --> 00:30:27,760
Speaker 3: I'm open, I've ripped open everything. I'm right here in

564
00:30:27,760 --> 00:30:31,040
Speaker 3: front of you, and I'm giving you everything. That is

565
00:30:31,080 --> 00:30:33,720
Speaker 3: a powerful weapon for the listener to have, and you

566
00:30:33,720 --> 00:30:36,800
Speaker 3: can either use that weapon to hurt him or hurt

567
00:30:36,800 --> 00:30:38,840
Speaker 3: her with it, or you can use that weapon to

568
00:30:38,880 --> 00:30:42,920
Speaker 3: protect them. And the more you use that weapon to protect,

569
00:30:43,440 --> 00:30:45,640
Speaker 3: the easier it will become for that person to be

570
00:30:45,720 --> 00:30:49,160
Speaker 3: vulnerable in the future. So it takes time and consistency.

571
00:30:49,440 --> 00:30:51,400
Speaker 3: If you want your mate to be vulnerable with you,

572
00:30:51,400 --> 00:30:55,200
Speaker 3: you have to understand them. You have to give them

573
00:30:55,200 --> 00:30:57,720
Speaker 3: a soft place to land over a period of time

574
00:30:58,160 --> 00:31:01,560
Speaker 3: where they become comfortable. And it's not a matter of

575
00:31:01,760 --> 00:31:05,160
Speaker 3: you know people, I mean I this generation just annoys

576
00:31:05,200 --> 00:31:11,160
Speaker 3: me sometimes because it's like when a guy is doing that,

577
00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:14,720
Speaker 3: they're calling him a simp or or or I don't know,

578
00:31:14,760 --> 00:31:17,960
Speaker 3: if you haven't heard that term before, it's okay, well

579
00:31:18,080 --> 00:31:18,760
Speaker 3: wait what is that?

580
00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:24,200
Speaker 2: Yeah, we've heard this, We've had our daughters tell us this,

581
00:31:24,280 --> 00:31:30,400
Speaker 2: and I've already forgotten what it is. But yes he's amp, Yes.

582
00:31:29,680 --> 00:31:32,880
Speaker 3: He's too sensitive or he's you know, he's too accommodating

583
00:31:33,000 --> 00:31:35,960
Speaker 3: or whatepens bs, you know he's being a man. It

584
00:31:36,040 --> 00:31:38,560
Speaker 3: takes as much of a it takes as much maturity

585
00:31:38,600 --> 00:31:41,400
Speaker 3: and as much strength to be vulnerable as as it

586
00:31:41,440 --> 00:31:45,760
Speaker 3: does to be you know, a rock. You know, I

587
00:31:45,840 --> 00:31:49,400
Speaker 3: think it takes more strength to let your guards now absolutely.

588
00:31:58,280 --> 00:32:01,640
Speaker 2: What would you say the biggest mistake couples.

589
00:32:01,280 --> 00:32:05,800
Speaker 3: Make the biggest wow or you.

590
00:32:05,760 --> 00:32:08,680
Speaker 2: Can list a couple, because you know what people do

591
00:32:09,840 --> 00:32:13,000
Speaker 2: that actually ends up undermining their relationship.

592
00:32:13,680 --> 00:32:15,200
Speaker 3: I would say the first thing becomes to mind is

593
00:32:15,200 --> 00:32:19,680
Speaker 3: the inability to accept change and a misunderstanding of the

594
00:32:19,760 --> 00:32:24,120
Speaker 3: place of change in your relationship. One thing I heard

595
00:32:24,120 --> 00:32:27,160
Speaker 3: couples say quite often is you're not the person I'm married,

596
00:32:28,360 --> 00:32:31,600
Speaker 3: You're not the same. My answer to that is dull,

597
00:32:32,480 --> 00:32:36,479
Speaker 3: I mean, you know who is you know? I mean,

598
00:32:36,520 --> 00:32:40,080
Speaker 3: who is the same person today as they were a

599
00:32:40,160 --> 00:32:40,680
Speaker 3: year ago?

600
00:32:41,240 --> 00:32:41,760
Speaker 1: No one is.

601
00:32:42,360 --> 00:32:45,040
Speaker 3: So I think if people understand that change is not

602
00:32:45,120 --> 00:32:49,280
Speaker 3: a bad thing, one of the most I'm sort of

603
00:32:49,320 --> 00:32:53,400
Speaker 3: an iconoclass I kind of go against cherished beliefs, and

604
00:32:53,480 --> 00:32:56,880
Speaker 3: so it's when someone says, you know, a lot of

605
00:32:56,920 --> 00:32:59,640
Speaker 3: these sayings that are out there to me. Are we

606
00:32:59,800 --> 00:33:01,360
Speaker 3: just say them and we don't really get it. Like,

607
00:33:01,440 --> 00:33:03,280
Speaker 3: for instance, whatever it took to get them is what

608
00:33:03,320 --> 00:33:07,360
Speaker 3: it takes to keep them. That's BS. I don't believe it. No,

609
00:33:07,440 --> 00:33:09,040
Speaker 3: I mean, what it took to get them is what

610
00:33:09,080 --> 00:33:11,520
Speaker 3: it took together. What it takes to keep them is

611
00:33:11,600 --> 00:33:13,000
Speaker 3: much more than what it took together.

612
00:33:14,600 --> 00:33:20,840
Speaker 6: That is so true, because that person is changing, and

613
00:33:21,000 --> 00:33:24,960
Speaker 6: with every change is a new opportunity for you to

614
00:33:25,080 --> 00:33:26,640
Speaker 6: learn and adapt.

615
00:33:27,120 --> 00:33:31,719
Speaker 3: Okay, So I believe that changing and not knowing the

616
00:33:31,720 --> 00:33:34,040
Speaker 3: place of change in your relationship. I look at change

617
00:33:34,040 --> 00:33:36,880
Speaker 3: as a beautiful opportunity to learn something new about your spouse.

618
00:33:37,520 --> 00:33:39,960
Speaker 3: That's what changes if you've changed. If you're not, I mean,

619
00:33:40,000 --> 00:33:41,320
Speaker 3: there are things that I didn't like when we got

620
00:33:41,320 --> 00:33:44,040
Speaker 3: married that I really like now. Things that I did

621
00:33:44,120 --> 00:33:45,520
Speaker 3: like when I get married. We got married and I

622
00:33:45,600 --> 00:33:47,800
Speaker 3: don't like now. There's a chance for her to learn

623
00:33:47,800 --> 00:33:48,200
Speaker 3: about me.

624
00:33:48,360 --> 00:33:50,080
Speaker 1: Okay, you got to tell us what those things are.

625
00:33:50,080 --> 00:33:52,480
Speaker 1: I mean, we already got the wipeing of with the towel,

626
00:33:52,760 --> 00:33:55,959
Speaker 1: So tell me, really, what what is it that you

627
00:33:56,240 --> 00:33:59,440
Speaker 1: like now that you didn't like when you first got together?

628
00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:01,800
Speaker 1: And what was it thing you don't like now? They did,

629
00:34:01,840 --> 00:34:02,720
Speaker 1: like when you first got.

630
00:34:02,560 --> 00:34:04,720
Speaker 3: Together and you just put my stuff all in the street.

631
00:34:04,760 --> 00:34:07,880
Speaker 1: Hey man, Well, one thing.

632
00:34:07,600 --> 00:34:10,279
Speaker 3: I guess you know. One thing. The things that I

633
00:34:10,600 --> 00:34:11,840
Speaker 3: most of the things that I like now that I

634
00:34:11,840 --> 00:34:15,400
Speaker 3: didn't like, I like because my wife has influenced me. Okay,

635
00:34:15,640 --> 00:34:18,440
Speaker 3: there's some things I didn't like to eat. I never

636
00:34:18,560 --> 00:34:21,040
Speaker 3: I mean like avocados. Not. Let me be as simple

637
00:34:21,080 --> 00:34:25,560
Speaker 3: as that.

638
00:34:26,440 --> 00:34:27,440
Speaker 1: The little, the mushy.

639
00:34:27,560 --> 00:34:28,440
Speaker 3: Then what the heck.

640
00:34:31,160 --> 00:34:32,919
Speaker 2: Has he hates them?

641
00:34:33,120 --> 00:34:35,120
Speaker 3: With my man?

642
00:34:35,280 --> 00:34:37,360
Speaker 1: You get it, dude, I can't have him in the house.

643
00:34:37,400 --> 00:34:38,239
Speaker 1: I don't want to see him.

644
00:34:38,400 --> 00:34:39,560
Speaker 2: Is a texture issue.

645
00:34:40,200 --> 00:34:43,400
Speaker 3: It's a texture thing, absolutely, That's what I tell him.

646
00:34:43,600 --> 00:34:44,560
Speaker 3: It's a texture thing.

647
00:34:44,640 --> 00:34:48,160
Speaker 1: I found. My tribe found avocados and Okra.

648
00:34:48,560 --> 00:34:49,480
Speaker 3: I don't understand.

649
00:34:50,520 --> 00:34:53,319
Speaker 1: Okay, I am from orc, Arkansas, so Okra is on

650
00:34:53,360 --> 00:34:56,239
Speaker 1: my list of things. We were here for a second

651
00:34:56,280 --> 00:34:57,080
Speaker 1: for a second.

652
00:35:00,080 --> 00:35:02,680
Speaker 3: Vocados, But I I have but because of I mean,

653
00:35:02,719 --> 00:35:06,000
Speaker 3: she's trudded daddy, and avocados are just her things. She

654
00:35:06,160 --> 00:35:10,640
Speaker 3: loves avocados, and uh, you know, I tried one and

655
00:35:10,680 --> 00:35:13,560
Speaker 3: she keeps, you know, shoving them down in front of me.

656
00:35:13,880 --> 00:35:16,520
Speaker 3: So so after a while, I say, you know what, Okay,

657
00:35:16,520 --> 00:35:18,840
Speaker 3: maybe it's not so bad, and then you're not. I

658
00:35:19,000 --> 00:35:21,360
Speaker 3: like them, but it's and it's a it's a small

659
00:35:21,400 --> 00:35:24,360
Speaker 3: example just to show you that she has influenced me

660
00:35:25,040 --> 00:35:30,279
Speaker 3: and and and that that that micro micro influence, you know,

661
00:35:30,520 --> 00:35:33,239
Speaker 3: is you can turn to a macro thing. You know.

662
00:35:33,280 --> 00:35:37,920
Speaker 3: It's like the things that I used to like that

663
00:35:38,000 --> 00:35:41,320
Speaker 3: I don't like. I mean, I, oh god, there's so many.

664
00:35:43,719 --> 00:35:48,960
Speaker 3: She just whispered to me, sarcasm. WHOA I used to

665
00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:51,480
Speaker 3: be very sarcastic. I thought it was fun. Oh wow,

666
00:35:52,239 --> 00:35:55,160
Speaker 3: the older I got. I don't care. I don't want

667
00:35:55,160 --> 00:35:56,400
Speaker 3: to hear it. I mean, I just want to be

668
00:35:56,400 --> 00:35:58,839
Speaker 3: straight with me, you know, just don't just don't bring

669
00:35:58,880 --> 00:36:01,200
Speaker 3: me sarcasms. I believe I look at sarcasm as a

670
00:36:01,239 --> 00:36:06,200
Speaker 3: bailed insult, you know, it's like, really, dude, come on.

671
00:36:07,120 --> 00:36:09,440
Speaker 3: So so those are some of the things. But anyway,

672
00:36:09,480 --> 00:36:11,919
Speaker 3: that's that's going to be all over the media.

673
00:36:12,000 --> 00:36:14,400
Speaker 1: What would be What would our things be? What is

674
00:36:14,440 --> 00:36:18,399
Speaker 1: something you didn't like when we first started dating that

675
00:36:18,520 --> 00:36:21,520
Speaker 1: you do like now or something or in the opposite.

676
00:36:21,200 --> 00:36:25,200
Speaker 2: Way, well, something as simple as like salmon tartar or

677
00:36:25,239 --> 00:36:29,120
Speaker 2: you know, like you've introduced me. So a lot of

678
00:36:29,160 --> 00:36:34,560
Speaker 2: seafood that I wouldn't have tried before. I yes, And

679
00:36:34,800 --> 00:36:39,480
Speaker 2: I've enjoyed watching sports on a very extreme level that

680
00:36:39,680 --> 00:36:43,640
Speaker 2: I never really bothered to even pay attention to before.

681
00:36:44,080 --> 00:36:47,800
Speaker 2: So I definitely watched a lot of basketball that I

682
00:36:47,800 --> 00:36:50,040
Speaker 2: wouldn't have watched. I have always liked college football, but

683
00:36:50,080 --> 00:36:55,160
Speaker 2: so there was some precedent to it. I I enjoy

684
00:36:55,320 --> 00:36:59,719
Speaker 2: now getting up earlier than I used to because if

685
00:37:00,360 --> 00:37:02,719
Speaker 2: I don't get up early, I miss the best part

686
00:37:02,719 --> 00:37:05,120
Speaker 2: of the day with TJ. Because that is when he

687
00:37:05,360 --> 00:37:09,360
Speaker 2: is at his brightest and I would almost argue most fun.

688
00:37:09,840 --> 00:37:12,800
Speaker 2: And so if I don't get up early, I miss

689
00:37:12,920 --> 00:37:14,360
Speaker 2: the best part of TJ.

690
00:37:14,520 --> 00:37:17,399
Speaker 1: Sure that pastor cal Yeah, four thirty am I am

691
00:37:17,600 --> 00:37:21,000
Speaker 1: the life of the party, brother, Oh my god, Oh yeah.

692
00:37:20,840 --> 00:37:22,680
Speaker 2: It really is. And you know, I'm not like a

693
00:37:22,760 --> 00:37:26,160
Speaker 2: late sleeper, but I'm more like six thirty seven. And

694
00:37:26,280 --> 00:37:28,879
Speaker 2: so if I'm left to my own devices, So now,

695
00:37:29,440 --> 00:37:31,680
Speaker 2: like this morning is not a good example, but a

696
00:37:31,760 --> 00:37:35,680
Speaker 2: lot of mornings now I'll get up significantly before I

697
00:37:35,719 --> 00:37:38,279
Speaker 2: would have, and I've enjoyed it, and it actually gets

698
00:37:38,280 --> 00:37:40,040
Speaker 2: your day started. So I would say those things, how

699
00:37:40,080 --> 00:37:40,440
Speaker 2: about you?

700
00:37:42,360 --> 00:37:45,200
Speaker 1: I didn't before we started dating. I didn't like yacht rock.

701
00:37:45,960 --> 00:37:46,640
Speaker 2: You still don't.

702
00:37:46,680 --> 00:37:50,680
Speaker 1: I still don't. Okay, bad example.

703
00:37:53,800 --> 00:37:54,080
Speaker 3: Food.

704
00:37:54,080 --> 00:37:55,680
Speaker 1: I'm trying to think of something though, And I don't

705
00:37:55,680 --> 00:37:57,399
Speaker 1: know if this is what you were talking about as well,

706
00:37:57,440 --> 00:38:00,000
Speaker 1: pastor cal But there are some things that's one thing,

707
00:38:00,080 --> 00:38:04,040
Speaker 1: food or interests. But what do you find sometimes the

708
00:38:04,120 --> 00:38:08,360
Speaker 1: things about your mate You've talked about the sarcasm, But

709
00:38:08,400 --> 00:38:11,040
Speaker 1: I was trying to think of something that you did

710
00:38:11,760 --> 00:38:14,080
Speaker 1: that I used to like that I don't like anymore,

711
00:38:14,120 --> 00:38:15,879
Speaker 1: or something you did that that kind of a thing.

712
00:38:15,920 --> 00:38:19,680
Speaker 1: I actually can't think of anything there necessarily, but I'm

713
00:38:19,719 --> 00:38:23,320
Speaker 1: sure there's something I'll keep thinking. Pasical to some of

714
00:38:23,360 --> 00:38:24,080
Speaker 1: the answers.

715
00:38:24,680 --> 00:38:26,520
Speaker 3: That was good. I'm glad you didn't that was good.

716
00:38:26,680 --> 00:38:33,880
Speaker 7: Yeah, smart man doesal the things you kind of describe

717
00:38:34,280 --> 00:38:37,440
Speaker 7: seemed to make an argument for why married at first

718
00:38:37,520 --> 00:38:41,640
Speaker 7: sight can work and why it absolutely can't work.

719
00:38:41,840 --> 00:38:45,440
Speaker 1: Meaning you put people there, if you're committed to this relationship,

720
00:38:45,600 --> 00:38:47,640
Speaker 1: you're committed to it and you can make it work.

721
00:38:47,800 --> 00:38:49,959
Speaker 1: But then on the other side of that, you talked

722
00:38:49,960 --> 00:38:53,360
Speaker 1: about vulnerability, and it's hard to have that with someone

723
00:38:53,440 --> 00:38:56,200
Speaker 1: that you just met. After after a week, two weeks,

724
00:38:56,200 --> 00:38:58,279
Speaker 1: three weeks. So how do you see the marrit at

725
00:38:58,280 --> 00:39:02,440
Speaker 1: first sight ex compare to how we normally go about

726
00:39:02,520 --> 00:39:05,320
Speaker 1: dating and relationships in marriage.

727
00:39:05,320 --> 00:39:07,480
Speaker 3: Most of the people, most of the people who we

728
00:39:08,200 --> 00:39:11,160
Speaker 3: I would like to say all, but I can't because

729
00:39:11,200 --> 00:39:16,400
Speaker 3: sometimes there are a lot of Charlatan's there who you know,

730
00:39:16,400 --> 00:39:18,839
Speaker 3: who trick us. But most of the people who we

731
00:39:19,239 --> 00:39:22,319
Speaker 3: who we choose to be married at first sight, they

732
00:39:22,440 --> 00:39:25,680
Speaker 3: are ready for the commitment. They they they And one

733
00:39:25,719 --> 00:39:29,480
Speaker 3: question I always ask them is were you considering marriage

734
00:39:29,960 --> 00:39:33,080
Speaker 3: before you knew we were auditioning for the show? You know,

735
00:39:33,280 --> 00:39:35,600
Speaker 3: is this something that's been on your mind or did

736
00:39:35,600 --> 00:39:38,400
Speaker 3: you just say, hey, I can do that, okay great?

737
00:39:38,920 --> 00:39:42,120
Speaker 3: And the ones who say, well, you know what, I've

738
00:39:42,160 --> 00:39:44,880
Speaker 3: been thinking about it, I'm like, nope, you're out of here. No,

739
00:39:45,000 --> 00:39:46,719
Speaker 3: I need to know. I need to have people who

740
00:39:46,719 --> 00:39:49,560
Speaker 3: have already decided that they want to be married. Now,

741
00:39:49,960 --> 00:39:54,000
Speaker 3: all that being said, back your question as far as

742
00:39:55,200 --> 00:39:57,480
Speaker 3: people who are vulnerable, I think that there are people

743
00:39:57,480 --> 00:40:00,759
Speaker 3: who are already in that mindset, so it's a little

744
00:40:00,840 --> 00:40:06,040
Speaker 3: easier for them to accept the idea of marriage. And

745
00:40:06,080 --> 00:40:11,960
Speaker 3: then the idea of marrying a stranger is a strange idea. Also,

746
00:40:12,080 --> 00:40:15,080
Speaker 3: but if you knew what goes on behind the scenes

747
00:40:15,800 --> 00:40:19,040
Speaker 3: and how we prep these people and how we vet

748
00:40:19,080 --> 00:40:22,759
Speaker 3: them before they get to the show. I mean, over

749
00:40:22,760 --> 00:40:26,400
Speaker 3: the three months that we're vetting them before they're even chosen,

750
00:40:27,320 --> 00:40:30,360
Speaker 3: we've learned so much about them, and they've learned so

751
00:40:30,440 --> 00:40:33,280
Speaker 3: much about the process. They've learned so much about themselves

752
00:40:33,640 --> 00:40:37,400
Speaker 3: that they become confident in what we're doing. And so

753
00:40:37,560 --> 00:40:40,279
Speaker 3: then it's a matter of them just once they make

754
00:40:40,320 --> 00:40:43,319
Speaker 3: the decision. We have so many people. I'm trying not

755
00:40:43,360 --> 00:40:46,399
Speaker 3: to give spoilers for any upcoming seasons because that's what's

756
00:40:46,400 --> 00:40:50,719
Speaker 3: in my mind most recently got some older seasons. But

757
00:40:52,239 --> 00:40:55,360
Speaker 3: they're in a mindset to be vulnerable, and they're in

758
00:40:55,400 --> 00:40:59,600
Speaker 3: a mindset to be committed, you know. So it's if

759
00:40:59,640 --> 00:41:02,439
Speaker 3: they were just doing this for fun, then there would

760
00:41:02,440 --> 00:41:05,120
Speaker 3: be a greater commitment issue. But the reason we have

761
00:41:05,200 --> 00:41:09,240
Speaker 3: twelve I think it's now twelve couples that are still together,

762
00:41:09,280 --> 00:41:13,240
Speaker 3: twelve fourteen couples that are still together, and roughly about

763
00:41:13,840 --> 00:41:19,240
Speaker 3: thirteen fourteen babies, you know, I mean, it says a lot,

764
00:41:19,640 --> 00:41:23,960
Speaker 3: you know that people are really they're really ready and

765
00:41:24,120 --> 00:41:26,799
Speaker 3: willing to be committed and they're ready and willing to

766
00:41:26,800 --> 00:41:29,920
Speaker 3: be vulnerable. And of course, you know, I don't think

767
00:41:29,920 --> 00:41:33,240
Speaker 3: there's any other platform where you're going to have people

768
00:41:33,239 --> 00:41:36,239
Speaker 3: who are just constantly in your face, helping you through

769
00:41:36,239 --> 00:41:39,759
Speaker 3: your situation, counseling you. Whenever you have a problem, you

770
00:41:39,760 --> 00:41:42,839
Speaker 3: can call them because we're there more than more than

771
00:41:42,840 --> 00:41:45,520
Speaker 3: what you see on TV. We're there sometimes I'm up

772
00:41:45,560 --> 00:41:48,520
Speaker 3: to two am talking to people, you know, helping them

773
00:41:48,520 --> 00:41:51,520
Speaker 3: in their relationships. It's quite extensive.

774
00:41:51,680 --> 00:41:55,440
Speaker 2: Well, we've watched two full seasons and we're on another

775
00:41:55,520 --> 00:41:58,279
Speaker 2: one now. We admitted to you we like watching the

776
00:41:58,320 --> 00:42:01,439
Speaker 2: ones with our commercials, so we have been finding those

777
00:42:01,520 --> 00:42:05,279
Speaker 2: seasons and you know you mentioned I think twelve or

778
00:42:05,280 --> 00:42:08,799
Speaker 2: fourteen are still together. I believe the show's success rate

779
00:42:08,920 --> 00:42:12,480
Speaker 2: is just under twenty percent, you know, and for a

780
00:42:12,480 --> 00:42:14,680
Speaker 2: TV show, I can say, when we're watching the show,

781
00:42:14,719 --> 00:42:18,120
Speaker 2: it all seems very genuine. Like you to your point,

782
00:42:18,320 --> 00:42:21,120
Speaker 2: these couples do seem like this is something they really

783
00:42:21,360 --> 00:42:24,600
Speaker 2: want and are fighting for and are struggling with in

784
00:42:24,600 --> 00:42:27,399
Speaker 2: front of everyone, which can't be easy. But this past

785
00:42:27,440 --> 00:42:30,520
Speaker 2: season see season seventeen, has gotten a lot of publicity

786
00:42:30,560 --> 00:42:33,040
Speaker 2: for quite the opposite that it seemed as though you

787
00:42:33,120 --> 00:42:36,800
Speaker 2: mentioned Charlatan's, there were some of those that in that cast,

788
00:42:36,840 --> 00:42:39,640
Speaker 2: people who weren't in it for the right reasons, Like yeah,

789
00:42:39,680 --> 00:42:41,920
Speaker 2: I mean the reunion show. We started to watch some

790
00:42:42,000 --> 00:42:45,640
Speaker 2: of it today and it didn't feel like any other

791
00:42:45,760 --> 00:42:48,879
Speaker 2: season that we've seen at least have married at first sight.

792
00:42:48,960 --> 00:42:52,319
Speaker 2: So lessons learned from season seventeen as you all now

793
00:42:52,320 --> 00:42:54,440
Speaker 2: in Barkin season eighteen or we're about to. I guess

794
00:42:54,440 --> 00:42:56,720
Speaker 2: you guys have already shot it, right, but we haven't.

795
00:42:57,000 --> 00:42:58,960
Speaker 2: We haven't seen it yet. It has been released yet.

796
00:42:59,280 --> 00:43:01,560
Speaker 2: What lessons did you all learn? And I just want

797
00:43:01,560 --> 00:43:05,000
Speaker 2: to get your overall impressions of what happened at season seventeen.

798
00:43:05,680 --> 00:43:09,279
Speaker 3: Season seventeen, And you know, I normally tried to be

799
00:43:09,360 --> 00:43:13,719
Speaker 3: as objective as possible, but Season seventeen will go down

800
00:43:14,239 --> 00:43:18,920
Speaker 3: in history, my personal marreative first sight history, as being

801
00:43:18,960 --> 00:43:23,640
Speaker 3: the most difficult season that I've ever ever experienced since

802
00:43:23,680 --> 00:43:26,840
Speaker 3: being a part of this show. I think that what

803
00:43:27,120 --> 00:43:33,400
Speaker 3: happened was that you know, a lot of them, a

804
00:43:33,400 --> 00:43:38,719
Speaker 3: lot of people when they got together, it only takes

805
00:43:38,719 --> 00:43:41,640
Speaker 3: sometimes it only takes a couple people to sort of

806
00:43:41,680 --> 00:43:45,080
Speaker 3: infect the entire group. And I think that's what happened.

807
00:43:45,120 --> 00:43:47,200
Speaker 3: I'm not going to call any names, but there were

808
00:43:47,280 --> 00:43:52,560
Speaker 3: some people who came in and concocted this insane idea

809
00:43:53,320 --> 00:43:56,520
Speaker 3: that we want to look good on camera. And they

810
00:43:56,520 --> 00:44:01,200
Speaker 3: were so convinced and so successful in their approach that

811
00:44:01,280 --> 00:44:03,160
Speaker 3: they convinced the rest of them to do the same.

812
00:44:04,239 --> 00:44:07,560
Speaker 3: And so they decided that they are going to try

813
00:44:07,680 --> 00:44:12,520
Speaker 3: and do the process. Now, you guys, you've been in TV,

814
00:44:13,160 --> 00:44:17,080
Speaker 3: you understand the deal. Cameras are always on. I mean,

815
00:44:18,200 --> 00:44:21,239
Speaker 3: you can't get rid of cameras. And they're all over

816
00:44:21,280 --> 00:44:25,480
Speaker 3: the house. They're in the they're in the car, they're everywhere.

817
00:44:25,520 --> 00:44:27,920
Speaker 3: The only place we don't go is a bathroom and

818
00:44:27,960 --> 00:44:30,040
Speaker 3: in the bedroom after you shut the door, that's it.

819
00:44:30,400 --> 00:44:32,799
Speaker 3: Outside of that, you know, you're always on camera. So

820
00:44:33,400 --> 00:44:35,879
Speaker 3: we picked up on it very quickly, and we warned

821
00:44:35,920 --> 00:44:41,560
Speaker 3: them early on, please be sincere because the cameras are watching.

822
00:44:42,760 --> 00:44:47,239
Speaker 3: But for some reason, sometimes I just call it hubris.

823
00:44:47,280 --> 00:44:51,040
Speaker 3: People think that they can outwit the cameras and outwit

824
00:44:51,120 --> 00:44:56,120
Speaker 3: a process that's been going on for seventeen seasons. And

825
00:44:56,200 --> 00:44:58,520
Speaker 3: you have a better idea. You think that you can

826
00:44:58,640 --> 00:45:01,000
Speaker 3: just just sneak in and and do the whole thing

827
00:45:01,080 --> 00:45:03,839
Speaker 3: so that we want to look better and anytime someone

828
00:45:03,880 --> 00:45:06,720
Speaker 3: tried to do that, they always end up looking like buffoons.

829
00:45:07,080 --> 00:45:08,880
Speaker 3: And there you have Season.

830
00:45:08,640 --> 00:45:20,000
Speaker 1: Seventeen, pastor Kel, do you ever have to in that

831
00:45:20,040 --> 00:45:22,480
Speaker 1: three month process of vetting people? I mean, this is

832
00:45:22,520 --> 00:45:25,760
Speaker 1: still you said, we're TV folks cameras around. We also

833
00:45:25,920 --> 00:45:28,799
Speaker 1: understand that you can't have boring folks on TV. I'm

834
00:45:28,800 --> 00:45:32,200
Speaker 1: not this is not like a show of Real Housewives

835
00:45:32,200 --> 00:45:34,439
Speaker 1: type of thing where that needs to be drama type thing.

836
00:45:34,680 --> 00:45:36,960
Speaker 1: But you all have to or how do you give

837
00:45:37,080 --> 00:45:40,400
Speaker 1: some consideration to well, we still got to have interesting

838
00:45:40,440 --> 00:45:43,920
Speaker 1: folks who might have interesting dynamics. That plays into it

839
00:45:43,960 --> 00:45:44,800
Speaker 1: a little bit, doesn't it.

840
00:45:44,920 --> 00:45:49,160
Speaker 3: Absolutely, Absolutely we want people. We want people who are interesting. However,

841
00:45:50,160 --> 00:45:53,440
Speaker 3: that's a production thing when it comes to me, Doctor

842
00:45:53,480 --> 00:45:56,600
Speaker 3: Pepper and Doctor Peel, who's now on when it comes

843
00:45:56,600 --> 00:45:59,640
Speaker 3: to us, And I've said this on camera, I think

844
00:45:59,680 --> 00:46:02,759
Speaker 3: they keep editing it out, but this on camera, we

845
00:46:02,840 --> 00:46:05,480
Speaker 3: don't care about the cameras. That's not my focus. I'm

846
00:46:05,520 --> 00:46:09,120
Speaker 3: not here for the cameras. I'm not here for the show.

847
00:46:09,360 --> 00:46:11,879
Speaker 3: I'm not I'm here for the marriage. And I tell

848
00:46:11,880 --> 00:46:14,239
Speaker 3: them quite often my main concern is that you stay

849
00:46:14,320 --> 00:46:16,600
Speaker 3: married and that you do the things that are necessary

850
00:46:17,040 --> 00:46:19,520
Speaker 3: and listen to us and do those things are necessary

851
00:46:19,520 --> 00:46:23,920
Speaker 3: to make a marriage successful. So one thing that I

852
00:46:23,960 --> 00:46:27,600
Speaker 3: do know, though, is that you know, and we all

853
00:46:27,640 --> 00:46:29,719
Speaker 3: we've all been married here, we all are married. Well,

854
00:46:29,840 --> 00:46:32,720
Speaker 3: whatever we are.

855
00:46:32,920 --> 00:46:36,200
Speaker 1: You gave it away. We told you that in confidence,

856
00:46:36,280 --> 00:46:40,399
Speaker 1: pastor cow We're trying to figure it out.

857
00:46:40,440 --> 00:46:45,560
Speaker 3: But one thing that you do know about marriage is

858
00:46:45,600 --> 00:46:49,479
Speaker 3: that if you just turn the cameras on on any

859
00:46:49,600 --> 00:46:53,000
Speaker 3: marriage and leave them on, you're going to get every

860
00:46:53,160 --> 00:46:56,160
Speaker 3: genre of theater. You're going to get comedy, You're going

861
00:46:56,160 --> 00:46:59,040
Speaker 3: to get drama, you're going to get spins. You know,

862
00:46:59,239 --> 00:47:00,880
Speaker 3: you're going to get everything.

863
00:47:01,600 --> 00:47:05,359
Speaker 2: Uh, and so that you forgot horror, I know, I was.

864
00:47:05,320 --> 00:47:08,640
Speaker 3: Trying to leave that out. You want to get it.

865
00:47:08,680 --> 00:47:10,520
Speaker 3: You gotta get it's gonna be a thriller as well.

866
00:47:10,960 --> 00:47:14,080
Speaker 3: But you know when you so, that's what we do normally,

867
00:47:14,080 --> 00:47:16,759
Speaker 3: We just leave the cameras on and they create their

868
00:47:16,800 --> 00:47:20,280
Speaker 3: own drama. They create their own you're just being married.

869
00:47:20,920 --> 00:47:23,560
Speaker 3: If someone turned the camera on in our family, you know,

870
00:47:23,680 --> 00:47:28,000
Speaker 3: and just saw us for you know, a couple of days,

871
00:47:28,640 --> 00:47:32,760
Speaker 3: come on, it would be hilarious and sad and scary.

872
00:47:32,920 --> 00:47:37,000
Speaker 2: You know all that, Master, Cal You've been doing this

873
00:47:37,080 --> 00:47:40,319
Speaker 2: since season four, have I'm sure there have been, But

874
00:47:40,360 --> 00:47:42,880
Speaker 2: can you think of a couple or two that really

875
00:47:43,040 --> 00:47:45,920
Speaker 2: disappointed you because you thought they could make it. They

876
00:47:46,040 --> 00:47:50,520
Speaker 2: should have tried harder, they could have actually made it

877
00:47:51,120 --> 00:47:51,960
Speaker 2: further than they did.

878
00:47:53,360 --> 00:47:59,239
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, wow, that is a good one. Yeah, I do.

879
00:47:59,600 --> 00:48:03,200
Speaker 3: And I'm trying to remember some of the names. There

880
00:48:03,280 --> 00:48:04,960
Speaker 3: was a couple in Dallas. I can't even remember the

881
00:48:05,040 --> 00:48:07,120
Speaker 3: names because for some reason, I don't remember the ones

882
00:48:07,120 --> 00:48:11,640
Speaker 3: who succeed. But there was a couple in Dallas that

883
00:48:11,760 --> 00:48:14,440
Speaker 3: I really thought could have made it. He was older

884
00:48:15,080 --> 00:48:17,600
Speaker 3: and she was. He was like thirty nine and she

885
00:48:17,760 --> 00:48:21,240
Speaker 3: was like thirty eight. And I really wanted them to succeed.

886
00:48:22,120 --> 00:48:24,480
Speaker 3: I thought that they could have, but they just showed it.

887
00:48:24,560 --> 00:48:25,560
Speaker 1: He just chose not to.

888
00:48:25,960 --> 00:48:32,840
Speaker 3: Even in this last season in Denver with Michael and

889
00:48:32,920 --> 00:48:38,319
Speaker 3: his wife Chloe Chloe, Oh my god, there's my daughter's day.

890
00:48:38,360 --> 00:48:42,279
Speaker 3: Oh what's wrong with me? Mike Chloe? Even with them,

891
00:48:42,560 --> 00:48:45,839
Speaker 3: we thought for sure they were going to make it.

892
00:48:46,200 --> 00:48:49,560
Speaker 3: Chloe was such a class act, I mean, such an

893
00:48:49,560 --> 00:48:53,359
Speaker 3: incredible person, and we believe that Michael. I think he's

894
00:48:53,400 --> 00:48:55,719
Speaker 3: a good guy too, but I think that just the

895
00:48:55,800 --> 00:48:59,040
Speaker 3: whole tension of the show and all the stress of

896
00:48:59,080 --> 00:49:02,920
Speaker 3: the show, I think he made a bad decision and

897
00:49:02,960 --> 00:49:07,760
Speaker 3: staying with that season, I think that Lauren and Orian

898
00:49:08,200 --> 00:49:10,440
Speaker 3: they could have made I think they would have They

899
00:49:10,600 --> 00:49:13,160
Speaker 3: actually could have made it. He made some very immature

900
00:49:13,239 --> 00:49:17,080
Speaker 3: decisions early on, and I'd go back season after season

901
00:49:17,120 --> 00:49:20,320
Speaker 3: after season and show you people who had all the potential,

902
00:49:20,680 --> 00:49:24,399
Speaker 3: but they they allowed their single thinking to influence their

903
00:49:24,440 --> 00:49:25,240
Speaker 3: married life.

904
00:49:25,480 --> 00:49:27,279
Speaker 1: Past the count. Do you take it personally? Do you

905
00:49:27,360 --> 00:49:30,440
Speaker 1: do you ever when people don't work out? Because in

906
00:49:30,840 --> 00:49:33,960
Speaker 1: two ways, One it's not good for the show and

907
00:49:34,000 --> 00:49:38,239
Speaker 1: whatnot for its its track record, but also personally that

908
00:49:38,800 --> 00:49:41,560
Speaker 1: you set someone up with an individual that didn't work

909
00:49:41,560 --> 00:49:44,200
Speaker 1: out or they didn't like you. Does that bother you

910
00:49:44,239 --> 00:49:46,160
Speaker 1: when there's a miss and you take it personally?

911
00:49:46,719 --> 00:49:50,640
Speaker 3: It does it bothers me? It's It's like, look, when

912
00:49:50,680 --> 00:49:52,879
Speaker 3: you put all especially, it's not just the matching, it's

913
00:49:52,920 --> 00:49:57,200
Speaker 3: it's all the season that I've spent time with you know,

914
00:49:57,280 --> 00:49:59,640
Speaker 3: these people and just talking to them like Miles and

915
00:49:59,719 --> 00:50:01,399
Speaker 3: care and you know who. I think there are still

916
00:50:01,440 --> 00:50:04,960
Speaker 3: great people, you know, but they're no longer together. And

917
00:50:05,800 --> 00:50:08,400
Speaker 3: you know, I think about all the time that I've spent,

918
00:50:08,480 --> 00:50:10,960
Speaker 3: you know, late at night, you know, talking to couples,

919
00:50:11,040 --> 00:50:15,719
Speaker 3: and and you decide to to just quit, you know,

920
00:50:15,840 --> 00:50:19,480
Speaker 3: because of something. And I think I think that, you know,

921
00:50:19,680 --> 00:50:22,279
Speaker 3: if they would have persisted, and not just them, but

922
00:50:22,400 --> 00:50:24,080
Speaker 3: any a lot of the other couples, that they would

923
00:50:24,080 --> 00:50:27,120
Speaker 3: have persisted, that they would have seen, you know, the

924
00:50:27,640 --> 00:50:30,759
Speaker 3: brighter side of their relationship. So in the moment, I'm

925
00:50:30,760 --> 00:50:32,839
Speaker 3: gonna be very frank with you though, But in the moment, yeah,

926
00:50:32,880 --> 00:50:34,880
Speaker 3: it does bother me. But then I go home and

927
00:50:34,920 --> 00:50:40,920
Speaker 3: I sleep.

928
00:50:38,160 --> 00:50:41,799
Speaker 1: Get down with that towel, no worries at all.

929
00:50:41,880 --> 00:50:46,319
Speaker 4: Brother, you know, I do like to I go home

930
00:50:46,360 --> 00:50:48,640
Speaker 4: and I sleep well because look, at the end of

931
00:50:48,640 --> 00:50:52,560
Speaker 4: the day, I don't feel as though I've done anyone

932
00:50:52,600 --> 00:50:53,279
Speaker 4: of disservice.

933
00:50:53,360 --> 00:50:56,359
Speaker 3: They came there, We didn't we didn't draft them. They

934
00:50:56,400 --> 00:50:58,600
Speaker 3: came there because they wanted to be married. We provided

935
00:50:58,600 --> 00:51:01,560
Speaker 3: them every opportunity to be married, in every opportunity to succeed,

936
00:51:01,840 --> 00:51:03,840
Speaker 3: and they threw it away. So at that point I

937
00:51:03,840 --> 00:51:05,880
Speaker 3: feel bad about it, but it's not lasting.

938
00:51:06,400 --> 00:51:09,360
Speaker 2: Do you think when when these types or any relationship

939
00:51:09,440 --> 00:51:12,399
Speaker 2: ends truly. Do you think oftentimes it does boil down

940
00:51:12,480 --> 00:51:13,040
Speaker 2: to ego?

941
00:51:14,080 --> 00:51:19,160
Speaker 3: Okay, yes it does. It was a strange phenomenon with

942
00:51:19,320 --> 00:51:25,839
Speaker 3: TV with this show that I think sometimes people who

943
00:51:25,920 --> 00:51:29,880
Speaker 3: may not be able to find though one or the

944
00:51:29,960 --> 00:51:32,279
Speaker 3: right person, all of a sudden they get married at

945
00:51:32,280 --> 00:51:34,080
Speaker 3: first sight. These are for the ones who failed, All

946
00:51:34,120 --> 00:51:36,400
Speaker 3: of a sudden, they get married at first sight, and

947
00:51:36,440 --> 00:51:38,799
Speaker 3: now they're like, wait a minute, I'm on TV. Hey,

948
00:51:39,560 --> 00:51:42,200
Speaker 3: you know other people are going to see me. Wow,

949
00:51:42,360 --> 00:51:45,279
Speaker 3: maybe I can get somebody now, So I'm going to

950
00:51:45,320 --> 00:51:46,839
Speaker 3: say no, I decision day and.

951
00:51:47,160 --> 00:51:51,720
Speaker 2: Oh because now my options are much bigger and greater.

952
00:51:52,719 --> 00:51:57,520
Speaker 3: But here's what they don't realize. Yes, people do know you. Yes,

953
00:51:57,680 --> 00:52:00,839
Speaker 3: social media, you will increase your social media following absolutely,

954
00:52:01,160 --> 00:52:03,759
Speaker 3: But here's what you don't know. You don't realize is

955
00:52:03,800 --> 00:52:08,600
Speaker 3: that your entire married life is on TV and people

956
00:52:08,640 --> 00:52:13,640
Speaker 3: can see if you were creep, they can see if

957
00:52:13,640 --> 00:52:15,560
Speaker 3: you were angry, they can see if you were whatever.

958
00:52:15,760 --> 00:52:18,759
Speaker 3: They see all that. So that may not bode well

959
00:52:18,840 --> 00:52:20,880
Speaker 3: for you. If you don't treat your husband right, if

960
00:52:20,920 --> 00:52:23,520
Speaker 3: you don't treat your wife right, and now you're trying

961
00:52:23,520 --> 00:52:25,080
Speaker 3: to date someone, all they have to do is go

962
00:52:25,120 --> 00:52:27,239
Speaker 3: to Netflix and oh I don't want her.

963
00:52:30,360 --> 00:52:32,960
Speaker 1: If that's your tryout, you're probably not going to get anybody.

964
00:52:34,000 --> 00:52:37,800
Speaker 1: Go U. I have a question here from a very loyal,

965
00:52:38,600 --> 00:52:42,200
Speaker 1: loyal viewer of Married at First Sight, and it goes

966
00:52:42,239 --> 00:52:45,080
Speaker 1: it says you say marriage ain't for punks. So if

967
00:52:45,120 --> 00:52:49,360
Speaker 1: that's the case, would you say that dating is for punks?

968
00:52:51,600 --> 00:52:53,279
Speaker 1: That comes to us and reviewer by the name of

969
00:52:53,320 --> 00:52:57,840
Speaker 1: Devon Franklin. By the way, are you here. I'm texting

970
00:52:57,840 --> 00:52:59,480
Speaker 1: with Devon right now. He's been one of my boys

971
00:52:59,520 --> 00:53:00,759
Speaker 1: tho years and know he's joining you.

972
00:53:03,000 --> 00:53:04,480
Speaker 3: I need to catch up with him. I never talked

973
00:53:04,480 --> 00:53:05,920
Speaker 3: to Devon in a minute, but he.

974
00:53:05,880 --> 00:53:07,200
Speaker 1: Wanted to ask you that question.

975
00:53:08,920 --> 00:53:13,600
Speaker 3: You know what dating, No, dating ain't for punks either. Dating,

976
00:53:13,600 --> 00:53:17,319
Speaker 3: Oh my god, it's tough. But uh, dating with a

977
00:53:17,360 --> 00:53:22,120
Speaker 3: purpose ain't for punks. You know, Dating without an intentional

978
00:53:22,160 --> 00:53:25,960
Speaker 3: goal is definitely, you know, for punks. But if you

979
00:53:26,000 --> 00:53:29,319
Speaker 3: if you're if you're dating with intention and you know,

980
00:53:29,520 --> 00:53:33,800
Speaker 3: like Devon, you know you know who who's just that's

981
00:53:33,840 --> 00:53:36,800
Speaker 3: just an awesome dude. But like you know, if someone

982
00:53:36,920 --> 00:53:39,600
Speaker 3: in as we get older and you're single and you're dating,

983
00:53:40,160 --> 00:53:42,880
Speaker 3: most people in that category. You know you're dating with

984
00:53:42,960 --> 00:53:44,960
Speaker 3: an intention. You know you're not just out trying to

985
00:53:45,040 --> 00:53:48,160
Speaker 3: netflix and chill. You want something serious and so that

986
00:53:48,200 --> 00:53:52,239
Speaker 3: takes a lot of grip, a lot of resolve. And

987
00:53:52,400 --> 00:53:55,920
Speaker 3: uh so, yeah, dating with intention ain't for punks, but

988
00:53:56,080 --> 00:54:01,960
Speaker 3: just dating to just mash and grab that smashing.

989
00:54:04,560 --> 00:54:06,880
Speaker 1: Well, I am. I only have two of the small

990
00:54:06,920 --> 00:54:09,720
Speaker 1: things that I want you to chime in because people

991
00:54:10,160 --> 00:54:12,120
Speaker 1: have different opinions about it. Your opinion on this, just

992
00:54:12,200 --> 00:54:15,799
Speaker 1: quickly going to bed mad is that people say you

993
00:54:15,800 --> 00:54:16,480
Speaker 1: shouldn't do it.

994
00:54:16,840 --> 00:54:19,040
Speaker 3: What do you think? I don't think you should go

995
00:54:19,040 --> 00:54:21,640
Speaker 3: to bed angry. I think I think it's okay to

996
00:54:22,400 --> 00:54:24,120
Speaker 3: excuse me. I think it's okay to go to bed

997
00:54:24,160 --> 00:54:27,520
Speaker 3: without the issue resolved. And there's a difference. Going to

998
00:54:27,560 --> 00:54:31,719
Speaker 3: bed angry means that I'm I'm going to I'm going

999
00:54:31,760 --> 00:54:35,000
Speaker 3: to carry that that weight, I'm going to carry that

1000
00:54:35,040 --> 00:54:37,239
Speaker 3: pain with me to sleep. First of all, you're not

1001
00:54:37,280 --> 00:54:41,000
Speaker 3: going to sleep. Well, you know it doesn't very seldom happen.

1002
00:54:41,360 --> 00:54:44,160
Speaker 3: But I think that you can resolve an issue and say,

1003
00:54:44,200 --> 00:54:47,400
Speaker 3: you know what, we don't agree on this, but what

1004
00:54:47,440 --> 00:54:49,640
Speaker 3: we're going to do, let's table it and we'll talk

1005
00:54:49,680 --> 00:54:52,239
Speaker 3: about it tomorrow. At least you've made a connection with

1006
00:54:52,320 --> 00:54:55,920
Speaker 3: your partner and you know that this that that we're okay,

1007
00:54:56,360 --> 00:54:59,959
Speaker 3: even though the issue is not resolved. We're good even

1008
00:55:00,160 --> 00:55:02,200
Speaker 3: the issue is not resolved, and we can read, we

1009
00:55:02,239 --> 00:55:04,840
Speaker 3: can read, you know, just just reapproach it on.

1010
00:55:04,719 --> 00:55:05,359
Speaker 1: The next day.

1011
00:55:06,200 --> 00:55:08,799
Speaker 3: It goes to what I say about conflict resolution, that

1012
00:55:09,080 --> 00:55:12,120
Speaker 3: the problem is not the problem, or rather, the person

1013
00:55:12,200 --> 00:55:14,759
Speaker 3: is not the problem. The problem is. And so when

1014
00:55:14,840 --> 00:55:18,120
Speaker 3: you look at an issue that you're having between two people,

1015
00:55:18,480 --> 00:55:20,760
Speaker 3: look at that thing, objectify, put it on a shelf,

1016
00:55:20,800 --> 00:55:23,000
Speaker 3: and say, look, that is the problem. That is the

1017
00:55:23,000 --> 00:55:25,960
Speaker 3: thing that's attacking our relationship. I'm not attaching it to you.

1018
00:55:26,239 --> 00:55:29,560
Speaker 3: It's not attached to me. That is the problem. So

1019
00:55:29,600 --> 00:55:31,600
Speaker 3: in the morning, we're going to talk about that. As

1020
00:55:31,640 --> 00:55:34,319
Speaker 3: far as you're concerned, we're in this together, we love

1021
00:55:34,360 --> 00:55:37,120
Speaker 3: each other, we're going to be okay, we're going to

1022
00:55:37,160 --> 00:55:39,040
Speaker 3: go to bed. It's not resolved. We're going to go

1023
00:55:39,120 --> 00:55:40,480
Speaker 3: to bed, and in the morning we're going to talk

1024
00:55:40,480 --> 00:55:43,280
Speaker 3: about that. We're not going to attach it to us.

1025
00:55:43,400 --> 00:55:45,120
Speaker 1: And seven year itch, is that a real thing?

1026
00:55:46,600 --> 00:55:50,319
Speaker 3: I think no, No, that's a movie. Back in the

1027
00:55:50,520 --> 00:55:54,200
Speaker 3: fifties or something. No, that's not a real thing. I think.

1028
00:55:53,880 --> 00:55:55,920
Speaker 3: I think there are some people out there to say that.

1029
00:55:56,040 --> 00:55:58,400
Speaker 3: After a certain amount of years, you start to question.

1030
00:55:58,680 --> 00:56:01,440
Speaker 3: But some people itch after sick months. You know, some

1031
00:56:01,520 --> 00:56:03,840
Speaker 3: people hit all the time. You know they need to

1032
00:56:03,840 --> 00:56:08,080
Speaker 3: get some some cream or something to get rid of that. Yeah,

1033
00:56:08,120 --> 00:56:09,000
Speaker 3: some people just itch.

1034
00:56:09,160 --> 00:56:10,080
Speaker 1: Man, I don't think.

1035
00:56:11,120 --> 00:56:13,440
Speaker 3: I think it's something we've been put in our minds.

1036
00:56:13,560 --> 00:56:15,440
Speaker 3: You know, they have to your seven get over your

1037
00:56:15,440 --> 00:56:18,400
Speaker 3: seven years. Our seven years went, seventh year went by

1038
00:56:18,480 --> 00:56:20,360
Speaker 3: without a hitch. I don't even remember it specifically.

1039
00:56:20,400 --> 00:56:23,440
Speaker 2: Funny Yeah, and Patrick, I just have a few and

1040
00:56:23,480 --> 00:56:25,600
Speaker 2: then I think we'll be good. But I'm curious to

1041
00:56:25,680 --> 00:56:27,920
Speaker 2: play off of what you kind of said about not

1042
00:56:28,120 --> 00:56:33,400
Speaker 2: going to bed angry when you are feeling anger towards

1043
00:56:33,440 --> 00:56:37,759
Speaker 2: each other? Are there things you can say? Are there

1044
00:56:37,840 --> 00:56:43,280
Speaker 2: things you can do that will that will dissipate that anger?

1045
00:56:43,600 --> 00:56:45,560
Speaker 2: Or is it better to say nothing if you don't

1046
00:56:45,560 --> 00:56:47,839
Speaker 2: have something nice to say, say nothing at all. I'm

1047
00:56:47,920 --> 00:56:50,160
Speaker 2: curious what you do in those moments where it is

1048
00:56:50,200 --> 00:56:55,800
Speaker 2: intense and you do feel overwhelmed with anger and emotion.

1049
00:56:56,320 --> 00:56:57,920
Speaker 2: Do you have things you can say or do?

1050
00:56:58,400 --> 00:57:02,640
Speaker 3: Absolutely? Absolutely first, I'll understand where the enemy is. Understand

1051
00:57:02,680 --> 00:57:05,319
Speaker 3: where the enemy is. The enemy is the issue. And

1052
00:57:05,360 --> 00:57:07,399
Speaker 3: so I tell couples to say all the time, tell

1053
00:57:07,440 --> 00:57:10,279
Speaker 3: your partner when you're feeling that, first of all, I

1054
00:57:10,320 --> 00:57:14,160
Speaker 3: am not your enemy. I'm not your enemy. I'm on

1055
00:57:14,239 --> 00:57:17,320
Speaker 3: your side. That when you have that kind of anchor,

1056
00:57:17,360 --> 00:57:20,480
Speaker 3: and I believe that you don't have to. If I'm

1057
00:57:20,520 --> 00:57:25,880
Speaker 3: angry at my wife about something, I don't have to

1058
00:57:25,920 --> 00:57:31,640
Speaker 3: wait for her to initiate reconciliation. I can easily initiate it.

1059
00:57:31,720 --> 00:57:34,000
Speaker 3: Even if it's something that she did to me, I

1060
00:57:34,040 --> 00:57:37,680
Speaker 3: can still initiate reconciliation. And I can start that by saying,

1061
00:57:37,720 --> 00:57:43,360
Speaker 3: you know what. Yeah, I mean in my mind, I'm thinking, okay, fine,

1062
00:57:43,400 --> 00:57:45,480
Speaker 3: you know this pissed me off. This really got me

1063
00:57:45,560 --> 00:57:47,320
Speaker 3: going here, you know what. But here's what I'm going

1064
00:57:47,400 --> 00:57:51,920
Speaker 3: to say, honey. You know, I know I'm not feeling

1065
00:57:51,920 --> 00:57:55,280
Speaker 3: good now, but I do recognize that you're not my enemy.

1066
00:57:55,360 --> 00:57:57,200
Speaker 3: You are not my enemy. I know we're on the

1067
00:57:57,200 --> 00:57:59,960
Speaker 3: same side, and so we're going to deal with this.

1068
00:58:00,280 --> 00:58:03,960
Speaker 3: Because the moment you reconnect with your partner by letting

1069
00:58:03,960 --> 00:58:06,000
Speaker 3: them know that you're not mad at.

1070
00:58:05,760 --> 00:58:09,480
Speaker 2: Them, what if you are mad at them though it's.

1071
00:58:09,360 --> 00:58:13,000
Speaker 3: Okay, And that's what I mean by placing, by placing

1072
00:58:13,040 --> 00:58:15,040
Speaker 3: that your understanding the enemy.

1073
00:58:15,320 --> 00:58:20,000
Speaker 1: You're mad at them, but they Yeah, you said, wow,

1074
00:58:20,040 --> 00:58:26,760
Speaker 1: you setting off balloons on your computer? There it went

1075
00:58:26,840 --> 00:58:30,400
Speaker 1: right along with your answer. I love that. That was perfect.

1076
00:58:33,560 --> 00:58:35,800
Speaker 1: I'm like, arcle, did I do that?

1077
00:58:36,400 --> 00:58:41,880
Speaker 3: But no, But even even if I am upset at

1078
00:58:41,920 --> 00:58:48,160
Speaker 3: what you did, I'm actually angry at what you did. Okay,

1079
00:58:48,680 --> 00:58:51,120
Speaker 3: I have to separate the what you did from the

1080
00:58:51,160 --> 00:58:54,520
Speaker 3: who you are. You're questioning it.

1081
00:58:55,120 --> 00:58:57,520
Speaker 1: No, it's just so difficult to do. What you said

1082
00:58:57,560 --> 00:59:03,520
Speaker 1: makes perfect sense. But Mary Jane, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

1083
00:59:03,560 --> 00:59:06,200
Speaker 1: it's it's very difficult. But you see, but this is

1084
00:59:06,200 --> 00:59:08,720
Speaker 1: the challenge, this is the challenge in marriage and why

1085
00:59:09,280 --> 00:59:12,600
Speaker 1: and why so many of us, you know, find it

1086
00:59:12,680 --> 00:59:15,640
Speaker 1: difficult and you know, and we go through multiple marriages

1087
00:59:15,720 --> 00:59:18,240
Speaker 1: because we don't learn these lessons that anything that's worth

1088
00:59:18,280 --> 00:59:21,439
Speaker 1: having is worth fighting for, it's worth pushing through your

1089
00:59:21,480 --> 00:59:24,280
Speaker 1: your your negative feelings. I look at it like this.

1090
00:59:24,520 --> 00:59:28,720
Speaker 3: I've worked many jobs that I didn't like, many of

1091
00:59:28,760 --> 00:59:31,560
Speaker 3: them that I had to roll out to pull myself

1092
00:59:31,560 --> 00:59:34,400
Speaker 3: out of bed in the morning, and oh my god,

1093
00:59:34,080 --> 00:59:36,280
Speaker 3: I'll have to go to this fleet. I hate these

1094
00:59:36,280 --> 00:59:38,680
Speaker 3: people that oh my job, but I do it. Why

1095
00:59:39,440 --> 00:59:43,160
Speaker 3: because I know that if I don't go, I'm not

1096
00:59:43,200 --> 00:59:46,520
Speaker 3: going to get paid. I'm not going. You know, my

1097
00:59:46,640 --> 00:59:48,720
Speaker 3: life depends on this. I have a family. I have

1098
00:59:48,840 --> 00:59:51,080
Speaker 3: to take care of this. But we don't think of

1099
00:59:51,160 --> 00:59:53,880
Speaker 3: marriage that way the moment. We don't like them in

1100
00:59:53,920 --> 00:59:56,400
Speaker 3: our marriage. Something in our marriage we are very quick

1101
00:59:56,480 --> 00:59:57,680
Speaker 3: to say, you know what, I'm not going to go

1102
00:59:57,720 --> 01:00:01,040
Speaker 3: into work today. I'm not you know, But why do

1103
01:00:01,120 --> 01:00:03,040
Speaker 3: we have so much more commitment to the things that

1104
01:00:03,120 --> 01:00:04,960
Speaker 3: don't affect our life or the things that are not

1105
01:00:05,000 --> 01:00:07,720
Speaker 3: as important as our relationship. But we don't have the

1106
01:00:07,760 --> 01:00:09,000
Speaker 3: commitment for our relationship?

1107
01:00:09,360 --> 01:00:12,440
Speaker 2: All right? And then quickly, lastly, I want to ask,

1108
01:00:12,760 --> 01:00:17,440
Speaker 2: how do you find a way to forgive? And when

1109
01:00:17,480 --> 01:00:20,439
Speaker 2: I say like, forgive and forget, like not to hold

1110
01:00:20,480 --> 01:00:24,600
Speaker 2: the grudge, not to breed resentment, do you have tips

1111
01:00:24,640 --> 01:00:24,920
Speaker 2: for that?

1112
01:00:25,600 --> 01:00:28,120
Speaker 3: Absolutely? First of all, there's no such thing as forgiving

1113
01:00:28,160 --> 01:00:28,680
Speaker 3: and forgetting.

1114
01:00:29,560 --> 01:00:30,440
Speaker 1: It's not possible.

1115
01:00:31,320 --> 01:00:34,960
Speaker 3: As humans, everything that's happened in our lives, we remember everything.

1116
01:00:35,400 --> 01:00:38,280
Speaker 3: I mean, doctors can even open up your skull and

1117
01:00:38,360 --> 01:00:40,240
Speaker 3: touch certain parts of your brain and you can remember

1118
01:00:40,240 --> 01:00:43,040
Speaker 3: things from your childhood, you know, so it's almost impossible

1119
01:00:43,080 --> 01:00:48,320
Speaker 3: to forget. So what we're talking about is forgiving and coping,

1120
01:00:49,000 --> 01:00:52,520
Speaker 3: not forgiving and forgetting, Okay, And I think that that's

1121
01:00:52,600 --> 01:00:56,560
Speaker 3: a that's a big challenge here because when we talk

1122
01:00:56,640 --> 01:00:59,640
Speaker 3: about forgiving, when I forgive you, what I'm saying is

1123
01:00:59,640 --> 01:01:03,000
Speaker 3: I'm showing you, I'm offering you grace, I'm offering you

1124
01:01:03,360 --> 01:01:07,120
Speaker 3: a reprieve. I'm releasing my judgment over you. Okay, I'm

1125
01:01:07,160 --> 01:01:09,160
Speaker 3: not going to I'm not going to stand over you

1126
01:01:09,280 --> 01:01:12,680
Speaker 3: and lord over you. Now, I'll be The forgiveness is

1127
01:01:12,760 --> 01:01:17,960
Speaker 3: necessary in every circumstance. It's always necessary. But if you

1128
01:01:18,040 --> 01:01:22,480
Speaker 3: cannot handle the memory of what that of what happened,

1129
01:01:23,120 --> 01:01:25,120
Speaker 3: if you cannot handle that thing, you're not going to

1130
01:01:25,200 --> 01:01:27,520
Speaker 3: forget it. But if you can't turn that trunk into

1131
01:01:27,600 --> 01:01:30,880
Speaker 3: a carrying case, if you can't do that, then you

1132
01:01:31,000 --> 01:01:33,240
Speaker 3: have to decide whether you're going to forgive and stay

1133
01:01:34,080 --> 01:01:37,400
Speaker 3: or forgiven leave. But forgiveness is not an option that

1134
01:01:37,440 --> 01:01:39,680
Speaker 3: has to happen because that's not for the person who offended.

1135
01:01:40,200 --> 01:01:44,400
Speaker 3: That's for you. Forgiveness is for you. Forgiveness cleanses you.

1136
01:01:44,920 --> 01:01:48,280
Speaker 3: Forgiveness releases the weight from you. Forgiveness lets you know

1137
01:01:48,440 --> 01:01:52,000
Speaker 3: that you can move on. It's not about them now.

1138
01:01:52,040 --> 01:01:55,600
Speaker 3: If I can forgive you and and and and look

1139
01:01:55,600 --> 01:01:57,840
Speaker 3: at everything that you've done and say, you know what,

1140
01:01:58,000 --> 01:01:58,680
Speaker 3: I forgive you.

1141
01:01:59,000 --> 01:02:01,560
Speaker 1: And this is going to be tough, but we can

1142
01:02:01,560 --> 01:02:02,160
Speaker 1: work through it.

1143
01:02:02,880 --> 01:02:04,440
Speaker 3: We can work through it. I'm going to work on

1144
01:02:04,480 --> 01:02:06,640
Speaker 3: my memories of it. But I need you to help me.

1145
01:02:06,680 --> 01:02:08,640
Speaker 3: I need you to be patient. If I have to

1146
01:02:08,640 --> 01:02:10,600
Speaker 3: bring it up again, if we have to talk about it,

1147
01:02:10,760 --> 01:02:13,080
Speaker 3: you got to be patient with me. If it takes

1148
01:02:13,120 --> 01:02:15,200
Speaker 3: six months, if it takes a year, you have to

1149
01:02:15,200 --> 01:02:17,160
Speaker 3: be patient. And if you're not willing to do that,

1150
01:02:18,400 --> 01:02:20,880
Speaker 3: then we have to make some decisions because I'm going

1151
01:02:20,920 --> 01:02:24,120
Speaker 3: to forgive you irrespective. Will I forgive and stay or

1152
01:02:24,120 --> 01:02:25,040
Speaker 3: will I forgive and leave?

1153
01:02:25,920 --> 01:02:29,160
Speaker 2: Very cool. We have so enjoyed this conversation. We were

1154
01:02:29,200 --> 01:02:32,120
Speaker 2: looking forward to it for so long. We will keep watching,

1155
01:02:32,360 --> 01:02:36,160
Speaker 2: also looking forward to season eighteen of Married at First Sight.

1156
01:02:36,280 --> 01:02:40,200
Speaker 2: But just I really, as much as it is entertaining,

1157
01:02:40,240 --> 01:02:42,960
Speaker 2: it really has been educational for us. So thank you

1158
01:02:43,400 --> 01:02:46,320
Speaker 2: for being vulnerable yourself, not only on this podcast but

1159
01:02:46,360 --> 01:02:47,520
Speaker 2: on the show It matters.

1160
01:02:48,200 --> 01:02:50,160
Speaker 3: Oh absolutely, thank you so much. I do want to

1161
01:02:50,200 --> 01:02:53,000
Speaker 3: share with you that we have that, my wife and

1162
01:02:53,080 --> 01:02:57,640
Speaker 3: I we do have something that's so so cool because

1163
01:02:57,680 --> 01:03:00,160
Speaker 3: we get so many requests for counseling and what have

1164
01:03:00,240 --> 01:03:04,080
Speaker 3: you that we can't talk to everybody. So we have

1165
01:03:04,120 --> 01:03:06,960
Speaker 3: an app that's going to becoming I'll call a marriage

1166
01:03:06,960 --> 01:03:12,080
Speaker 3: Ain't for pumps Go figure. So then the app will

1167
01:03:12,120 --> 01:03:16,440
Speaker 3: be coming out. We're doing a soft launch in by

1168
01:03:16,440 --> 01:03:19,280
Speaker 3: the end of this month. It will be in beta form,

1169
01:03:19,560 --> 01:03:21,320
Speaker 3: but then we're going to be looking at a larger

1170
01:03:21,400 --> 01:03:24,880
Speaker 3: launch to the public very very shortly after that. And

1171
01:03:24,880 --> 01:03:27,000
Speaker 3: I'm here to tell you it's a relationship app for

1172
01:03:27,120 --> 01:03:31,720
Speaker 3: married people, and it's one app with three applications. Is

1173
01:03:31,760 --> 01:03:35,480
Speaker 3: for married people, it's going to have resources, it's going

1174
01:03:35,520 --> 01:03:40,480
Speaker 3: to have marriage tips, about parenting, about a conflict resolution,

1175
01:03:40,560 --> 01:03:41,800
Speaker 3: you name it, you're going to be able to find

1176
01:03:41,800 --> 01:03:44,640
Speaker 3: it in that app. And also for dating people, there's

1177
01:03:44,680 --> 01:03:46,840
Speaker 3: a pre married section in it for people who are

1178
01:03:46,960 --> 01:03:49,800
Speaker 3: dating and want to be married, and then for marriage

1179
01:03:49,840 --> 01:03:52,400
Speaker 3: minded people, people who are single and looking for their

1180
01:03:52,720 --> 01:03:56,440
Speaker 3: forever partner, and so there will be a matchmaking component

1181
01:03:56,560 --> 01:03:59,520
Speaker 3: in that. So it's one app with three different applications.

1182
01:04:00,160 --> 01:04:02,560
Speaker 3: Be awesome so keep your eye and keep on the

1183
01:04:02,600 --> 01:04:05,680
Speaker 3: lookout for that. And marriage ain't for pumps dot com.

1184
01:04:06,120 --> 01:04:08,040
Speaker 1: So you're you're launching a dating app? Did I hear

1185
01:04:08,080 --> 01:04:09,960
Speaker 1: that correctly? You kidding?

1186
01:04:12,320 --> 01:04:16,439
Speaker 3: You know what? You know what, it's not app hard,

1187
01:04:17,040 --> 01:04:19,440
Speaker 3: it's a pre marriage.

1188
01:04:18,840 --> 01:04:21,640
Speaker 1: And a marriage for fifteen ninety nine. We will have

1189
01:04:21,760 --> 01:04:28,400
Speaker 1: somebody for you by the summer. We can't fansical. I

1190
01:04:28,400 --> 01:04:30,880
Speaker 1: love you, brother. We absolutely have leaned on you in

1191
01:04:30,920 --> 01:04:33,040
Speaker 1: a lot of ways. When we were kind of locked down,

1192
01:04:33,080 --> 01:04:35,120
Speaker 1: we were watching a lot of TV and we picked

1193
01:04:35,200 --> 01:04:37,480
Speaker 1: up your show and it really has been cool to

1194
01:04:37,480 --> 01:04:40,080
Speaker 1: watch you. Also, congrats on all the success. Our best

1195
01:04:40,120 --> 01:04:42,720
Speaker 1: to the entire staff over there, and please give your

1196
01:04:42,760 --> 01:04:45,160
Speaker 1: wife our best as well. Thank her for hanging out

1197
01:04:45,160 --> 01:04:45,880
Speaker 1: with us here as well.

1198
01:04:46,560 --> 01:04:49,080
Speaker 3: All Right, see you guys. My pleasure was a lot

1199
01:04:49,120 --> 01:04:50,320
Speaker 3: of fun. Hope to see you again.

1200
01:04:50,360 --> 01:04:51,240
Speaker 1: You will, brother, Thank you.

1201
01:04:51,320 --> 01:04:52,560
Speaker 3: That's it.

1202
01:04:52,760 --> 01:04:54,360
Speaker 2: Hey, we'd love to hear what you think about this

1203
01:04:54,880 --> 01:04:58,600
Speaker 2: at Amy and TJ podcast on Instagram. Thanks for being

1204
01:04:58,600 --> 01:05:00,000
Speaker 2: with us everyone. Hope you learned something.

1205
01:05:02,640 --> 01:05:13,320
Speaker 1: Vampation bad Buations, the