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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,

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Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big

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Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they

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Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.

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Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, you

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Speaker 1: know the deal. Wherever you are in the world, it

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Speaker 1: is so great to have you here. Back for another

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Speaker 1: episode as we break down the psychology of our twenties.

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Speaker 1: I'm really excited for this episode. I think that the

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Speaker 1: emotion we're speaking about today is one that we don't

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Speaker 1: talk about enough, and what I really want to explore

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Speaker 1: is the psychology behind guilt, particularly chronic guilt, or feelings

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Speaker 1: of guilt for things that we haven't done, or holding

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Speaker 1: carrying an emotional burden that we don't deserve to. It

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Speaker 1: is such a common experience, sperience, I think, particularly amongst

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Speaker 1: people in this generation, to feel this lingering feeling that

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Speaker 1: we have done something wrong even when there's no evidence

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Speaker 1: for it, or that someone is secretly mad at you,

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Speaker 1: that you are a monster. Here is a spoiler, you

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Speaker 1: are not a monster. You have just been conditioned into

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Speaker 1: believing that you are responsible for other people's emotions. This

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Speaker 1: is a concept known as the guilt complex, intense and

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Speaker 1: frequent feelings of guilt that aren't associated or connected to

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Speaker 1: any event in particular. Guilt is so interesting to me

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Speaker 1: because it's such an intricate emotion and a lot of

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Speaker 1: psychologists still don't really understand it that well. We don't

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Speaker 1: really know where it comes from, why it occurs. Obviously,

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Speaker 1: there is this very traditional idea of guilt, this very

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Speaker 1: severe sense of guilt that is associated with committing a

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Speaker 1: crime or doing something horrific or something that you deeply regret.

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Speaker 1: And of course this kind of guilt does exist, this

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Speaker 1: sense of blame for the harm that you've caused others.

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Speaker 1: But I don't really think it's the kind of guilt

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Speaker 1: that most of us in our twenties are actually experiencing.

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Speaker 1: This kind of guilt where we commit a crime, we

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Speaker 1: do something bad, it's called reactive guilt. But we can

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Speaker 1: also just have guilty thoughts which we never intend to

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Speaker 1: act on, but they kind of sit in our brain

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Speaker 1: and fester and convince us that we are evil. We

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Speaker 1: also just feel a real general guilt about the injustices

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Speaker 1: in the world. Existential guilt because we feel responsible for

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Speaker 1: other people suffering. But I think the kind of guilt

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Speaker 1: that we mostly experience is guilt towards things we haven't

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Speaker 1: done or are yet to do, Guilt around upsetting people

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Speaker 1: or displaced guilt feeling that sense of shame or accountability

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Speaker 1: for another person's emotions or for choosing to behave in

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Speaker 1: a way that is completely justified but might upset other people.

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Speaker 1: This has become a lot more common and I think

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Speaker 1: relatable for people in their twenties, especially because there's this

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Speaker 1: very deep philosophy around not only just being a good person,

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Speaker 1: but also treating this decade with a certain like distinctiveness,

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Speaker 1: a certain romance, and that places a lot of pressure,

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Speaker 1: a lot of expectations on us, and not just straightforward

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Speaker 1: expectations about living up to your parents' dreams for you,

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Speaker 1: or taking advantage of opportunities or being successful, but also

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Speaker 1: these expectations to be doing the most, to be living

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Speaker 1: a fantasy life, to make everybody happy, to constantly be

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Speaker 1: happy yourself. For a lot of us, that is not

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Speaker 1: the case, and I think we often feel guilty that

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Speaker 1: perhaps we are wasting what some would call the best

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Speaker 1: years of our lives, or that we are passing up

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Speaker 1: privileges that other people would die for. We feel guilty

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Speaker 1: for choosing to rest. Then we feel guilty for choosing

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Speaker 1: to go out. We feel guilty for spending too much

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Speaker 1: time at work, but also guilty when we're not working,

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Speaker 1: Guilty for choosing to prioritize ourselves, guilty for making mistakes.

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Speaker 1: That is just one facet, but another common aspect has

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Speaker 1: to do with our relationships and our friendships. Friendships, I

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Speaker 1: have this belief are the most important relationship that we

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Speaker 1: have in our twenties. You know, some of us find partners,

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Speaker 1: a lot of us are still connected to our family.

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Speaker 1: But the real lifeblood of our twenties, the real people

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Speaker 1: who hold us up, who keep us feeling connected, are

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Speaker 1: our friends. And with that sense of connection comes a

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Speaker 1: sense of expectation of not wanting to let them down.

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Speaker 1: We feel like we need to be more available. We

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Speaker 1: often encounter a fear of missing out, but deeper than that,

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Speaker 1: a fear of disappointing people, especially as we slowly become

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Speaker 1: adults and are trying to figure out who we are

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Speaker 1: as individuals, trying to find more time for ourselves, working

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Speaker 1: more investing in our careers and also trying to maintain

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Speaker 1: those relationships, be a good friend. And I think it's

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Speaker 1: in those moments where we experience this intense sense of

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Speaker 1: obligation to other people. We cannot always be what others

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Speaker 1: expect us to be. Sometimes we do the wrong thing

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Speaker 1: because we are still learning, because we are still kind

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Speaker 1: of like we are baby adults. And the emotional aftermath

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Speaker 1: of not living up to a sense of expectation or

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Speaker 1: obligation from others is this intense guilt, feeling like you

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Speaker 1: are secretly a bad person. Essentially, guilt is that feeling

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Speaker 1: that you aren't a good person, and that doesn't actually

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Speaker 1: need to be the truth if you feel that way.

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Speaker 1: And I've been thinking about this a lot in my

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Speaker 1: own life recently, because chronic guilt is a feeling I experience,

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Speaker 1: and I've spent a lot of time attempting to come

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Speaker 1: to terms with. It's one of those kind of mental

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Speaker 1: blocks that I'm constantly trying to work through. I'm trying

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Speaker 1: to work through these dilemmas where I feel like a

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Speaker 1: bad person for just prioritizing myself. You know, I feel

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Speaker 1: a lot of guilt at not working as hard as

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Speaker 1: I should or taking time off even when I know

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Speaker 1: I deserve it, because I feel like I need to

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Speaker 1: work harder for my opportunities, or that there is a

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Speaker 1: certain standard or quantity of work that I need to

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Speaker 1: do before resting. And then, of course there's the guilt

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Speaker 1: of not being a good friend, for saying no to things,

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Speaker 1: for canceling plans, for not being the same person that

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Speaker 1: I was at eighteen or nineteen who wanted to go

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Speaker 1: out all the time, Guilt that I've changed and that

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Speaker 1: somehow I owe it to other people to stay the same.

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Speaker 1: And part of my experiences with this emotion has been

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Speaker 1: this underlying sense of blame or responsibility again for how

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Speaker 1: others feel, and with that a persistent anxiety that someone

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Speaker 1: out there is mad at me, someone is holding a grudge,

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Speaker 1: someone is upset by something I've done unintentionally, whether it

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Speaker 1: is forgetting to reply to a message or having plans

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Speaker 1: when they ask me if I'm free, And it's highly

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Speaker 1: senseless and irrational, and I think a part of our

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Speaker 1: experience of guilt is also quite egotistical. I've been ex

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Speaker 1: thinking about this a lot, but when we are experiencing misplaced,

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Speaker 1: chronic guilt, it's often because we are exaggerating the impact

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Speaker 1: of our actions and choices, we kind of overestimate how

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Speaker 1: much people really care, how much damage we're actually able

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Speaker 1: to do. There are a myriad several factors that come

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Speaker 1: into this, including but not limited to, perfectionism, people, pleasing tendencies,

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Speaker 1: the childhood guilt wound, anxiety, sensitivity to criticism, and then

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Speaker 1: sometimes there are simply moments when you act in a

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Speaker 1: way that betrays your values, and that's something that we

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Speaker 1: need to come to terms with. So we're going to

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Speaker 1: explore all of that. We're going to explore the emotional

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Speaker 1: experience of guilt, including how to kind of overcome moments

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Speaker 1: where you feel responsible for something that has happened when

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Speaker 1: it might not actually be your fault. So all of

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Speaker 1: that and more let's get into it. So there's an

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Speaker 1: important distinction that we need to make straight off the bat.

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Speaker 1: Guilt can come from either doing something or not doing something,

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Speaker 1: and either from a perceived or an actual wrong. We

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Speaker 1: are highly attuned to moments where we might have misbehaved

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Speaker 1: or acted against the social norms, and that is because

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Speaker 1: guilt is so core and critical and primal to how

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Speaker 1: we as humans have kind of evolved and been socialized.

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Speaker 1: Many psychologists suggest that guilt is primarily a social emotion.

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Speaker 1: It exists to tell us when we have acted in

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Speaker 1: a way that is contrary to cultural norms, and it

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Speaker 1: comes from a realization that your actions affect others around you.

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Speaker 1: It's really interesting because the ability to feel guilt or

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Speaker 1: at least responsibility is actually one of the critical kind

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Speaker 1: of stages or milestones in a child's emotional development, because

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Speaker 1: it indicates that they are aware that their actions have

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Speaker 1: consequences and that other people have their own emotional lives

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Speaker 1: or feelings that we can alter an impact. That kind

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Speaker 1: of goes to show how core it is to the

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Speaker 1: human experience. It's also really fascinating because a lack of

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Speaker 1: guilt is also very problematic from a clinical perspective. The

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Speaker 1: inability to feel remorse is a huge indicator of an

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Speaker 1: antisocial personality disorder, of a lack of empathy. So whilst

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Speaker 1: guilt might leave us feeling anxious, disappointed, and deserving obsessing

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Speaker 1: over the past, we could make an argument that without

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Speaker 1: it you might be even in a worse place than

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Speaker 1: you are now. The other thing I think is important

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Speaker 1: to point out just doing a bullet point list of

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Speaker 1: the general understanding of guilt right now, but it's important

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Speaker 1: to point out that guilt and shame are all so different.

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Speaker 1: So guilt comes from doing something that you believe goes

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Speaker 1: against your morals to harm another, whether you actually did

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Speaker 1: harm that person or not. But shame it doesn't necessarily

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Speaker 1: mean that what you've done is wrong or a moral

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Speaker 1: It might not have necessarily hurt someone. It's more that

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Speaker 1: you're going against how society believes, you know, should be behaving.

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Speaker 1: You know, for example, you can feel shame about your

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Speaker 1: weight or your sexual identity. It doesn't mean that it

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Speaker 1: was wrong or that you deserve to feel that way,

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Speaker 1: Whereas guilt is more around knowing that what you did

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Speaker 1: goes against something deeper about how society chooses to treat others,

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Speaker 1: even if that wasn't actually the case. I want to

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Speaker 1: turn to chronic guilt here because that is actually the

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Speaker 1: main focus of this episode, and I've just gotten way

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Speaker 1: too distracted. But there are some of us who are

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Speaker 1: kind of cursed with feeling guilt more than others. And

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Speaker 1: then there's four reasons in particular why that might be. Firstly,

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Speaker 1: if you're a people pleaser, if you have high empathy

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Speaker 1: or a childhood guilt wound, perfectionism, and then of course

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Speaker 1: guilt that is triggered by a mistake or a behavior

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Speaker 1: that is going to lead to excessive rumination and playing

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Speaker 1: back that moment. Those are the four main reasons why

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Speaker 1: there are certain people out there who feel guilt more

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Speaker 1: than others. Let's start by examining people pleasing here. People

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Speaker 1: pleasing is perhaps the most understandable factor to me, because

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Speaker 1: I think when we have that high level of sensitivity

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Speaker 1: to others' needs, we also have the highest level of

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Speaker 1: sensitivity to someone's disappointment with us as well. People pleasing

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Speaker 1: for a bit of a refresher It occurs when we

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Speaker 1: really prioritize other people's feelings, happiness, and needs over honoring

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Speaker 1: our own needs. The thing is, people pleasing behaviors and

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Speaker 1: tendencies from the outside look really good, right. It looks

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Speaker 1: like you're really polite, like you're really agreeable and generous

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Speaker 1: and nice. Society really approves of these behaviors. It doesn't

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Speaker 1: necessarily mean that people pleasing is healthy, though, because every

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Speaker 1: time we willingly do something for others because we think

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Speaker 1: it's gonna make them happier, because we think it's gonna

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Speaker 1: make them like us more, and it comes at an

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Speaker 1: inconvenience to us. We are abandoning ourselves. We are embodying

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Speaker 1: our false self for the benefit of someone else. So

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Speaker 1: there is this book called Real Talk and it was

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Speaker 1: written by this amazing therapist called Tasha Bailey who she

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Speaker 1: was actually on the podcast last month, and she explains

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Speaker 1: this really well. She explains how people pleasing tendencies normally

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Speaker 1: emerge from what we call the foreign response. We've talked

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Speaker 1: about this before, but essentially psychology used to believe that

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Speaker 1: when we encounter a threat in our environment, we could

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Speaker 1: either fight back or run away. That is our fight

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Speaker 1: or flight response. But recently they've noticed a new type

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Speaker 1: of response to In fact, the first one was freeze,

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Speaker 1: we just don't do anything, and the second one was fawn.

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Speaker 1: And the fawn response occurs when we kind of essentially

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Speaker 1: roll over like there's a predator there, it's gonna eat us,

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Speaker 1: and we like wag our tail and we're really nice

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Speaker 1: and we appease the threat. If someone is angry at

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Speaker 1: you for like stealing their parking spot at like a

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Speaker 1: kmart or whatever, instead of like trying to fight them

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Speaker 1: about it or running away or ignoring them. If you

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Speaker 1: are activating your fawn response, you apologize profusely, you smile,

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Speaker 1: You try and be complimentary as a way to minimize

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Speaker 1: the threat. People pleasing is born from this response, and

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Speaker 1: we often learn it from being in environments where we

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Speaker 1: realized that it was better for us if other people

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Speaker 1: didn't see us as a threat, or we made ourselves

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Speaker 1: smaller to avoid their anger. When we have lived like

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Speaker 1: this for a really long time, we may not even

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Speaker 1: realize that this is what we're doing. It becomes involuntary,

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Speaker 1: it becomes automatic, it's second nature. And the problem with

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Speaker 1: being a people pleaser is that at some stage you

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Speaker 1: are going to need to set a boundary or say no.

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Speaker 1: You might have to disappoint someone. You're going to have

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Speaker 1: to put yourself first, or maybe even accept that people

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Speaker 1: are taking advantage of your kindness or your generosity. When

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Speaker 1: we do this, it feels so unnatural to set those boundaries,

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Speaker 1: and that is how we begin to experience guilt, especially

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Speaker 1: when it comes to our relationships. We have learnt to

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Speaker 1: feel guilty when we don't prioritize other people's feelings above

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Speaker 1: our own, when we roll over for them, when we

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Speaker 1: kind of take their feelings into account. And these people

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Speaker 1: around us, who are used to us constantly being this

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Speaker 1: very passive pleasing agent, they're kind of shocked when we

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Speaker 1: no longer give them that permission, and that shock, perhaps

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Speaker 1: even that anger, that frustration that comes from them, that's

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Speaker 1: going to make us feel equally guilty and perhaps selfish,

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Speaker 1: because once again we are highly attuned to their emotions

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Speaker 1: and we feel responsible for them. But the thing is

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Speaker 1: is that you cannot live your life for others because

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Speaker 1: you will lose yourself. And you'll soon realize that a

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Speaker 1: lot of people who you've constantly been trying to accommodate,

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Speaker 1: who you've constantly been trying to win their favor, be

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Speaker 1: kind to them, make them like you. As soon as

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Speaker 1: you put up that boundary and say no, I'm sorry,

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Speaker 1: like I don't want to do that, they suddenly disappear

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Speaker 1: from your life. And it's a really big wake up

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Speaker 1: call when we think about where this originates, this chronic guilt. Yes,

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Speaker 1: it comes from people pleasing, but it also comes from

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Speaker 1: a lot of the childhood wounds that we carry from

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Speaker 1: when we were children. We know that how we were raised,

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Speaker 1: the experiences we had in our very early formative years.

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Speaker 1: They are incredibly influential to the adult that we become.

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Speaker 1: So the childhood guilt wound is really important to understand here,

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Speaker 1: and it typically emerges in children who were raised by

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Speaker 1: parents or caregivers who projected a lot of their frustrations

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Speaker 1: or anger onto their children. They got upset at them

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Speaker 1: really quickly, they had emotional outbursts, or they used guilt

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Speaker 1: as a form of discipline, so they induced feelings of

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Speaker 1: wrongdoing as a way of scolding their children as a

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Speaker 1: way of making them feel ashamed of their behavior and

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Speaker 1: bringing them back into line. So this may have included

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Speaker 1: times or situations when you had no reason to feel

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Speaker 1: guilt at all, when it was just an accident, like

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Speaker 1: you forgot your school bag, or you spilt something or

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Speaker 1: you lost a mistakes that children make. But because you

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Speaker 1: are made to feel guilty for something minor, this leaves

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Speaker 1: an impact. This leaves an emotional wound, an emotional scar.

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Speaker 1: These kinds of children often grow up to be really,

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Speaker 1: really sensitive to the needs and emotions of others because

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Speaker 1: they've had to adopt that role with their parents. They

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Speaker 1: evolve into empaths. They go to extra lengths to help

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Speaker 1: anybody else, even when it's unfeasible, and they also criticize

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Speaker 1: themselves for the smallest mistakes. A failure to make someone

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Speaker 1: else happy leaves them feeling guilty because it is replicating

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Speaker 1: why and how they were made to feel guilty as

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Speaker 1: a child. So we grow into adults who are still

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Speaker 1: trying day after day to meet unreasonable expectations. We are

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Speaker 1: still those children who want to make everybody happy, and

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Speaker 1: that is an impossible task, and that is what leaves

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Speaker 1: us feeling guilty a lot of times when we don't

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Speaker 1: even need to. The final big contributor is perfectionism our age,

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Speaker 1: old arch nemesis. We talk about this on the show

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Speaker 1: all the time because it really is the string that

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Speaker 1: ties so much together. So there's kind of two types

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Speaker 1: of perfectionists, but it's particularly self orientated perfectionists in these

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Speaker 1: moments that are impacted by this. So self orientated perfectionists

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Speaker 1: they are the people amongst us who set high standards

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Speaker 1: for themselves that are unattainable, and they're particularly concerned with

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Speaker 1: doing things the right way. I think perfectionism differs from

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Speaker 1: the other contributing factors here because it has less to

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Speaker 1: do with the social side of guilt and more to

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Speaker 1: do with the feeling of guilt that you aren't living

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Speaker 1: up to expectations, that you aren't working hard enough, that

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Speaker 1: you aren't deserving of what you've achieved. This is a

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Speaker 1: generation of perfectionists. We are seeing studies consistently that are

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Speaker 1: showing a very linear and increasing rates of perfectionists in

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Speaker 1: this generation, possibly because of what they suggest is an

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Speaker 1: increasing emphasis on competitive individualism. Now that is an emphasis

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Speaker 1: on being successful and focused on your own goals rather

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Speaker 1: than the goals of the group. So that basically means

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Speaker 1: that you feel a lot of pressure and expectation to

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Speaker 1: be the best, to prove your self deserving of opportunities,

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Speaker 1: prove yourself deserving of achievement. When we can't do that,

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Speaker 1: our social instinct is to feel guilt as if we've

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Speaker 1: done something wrong because we're not fitting into that competitive,

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Speaker 1: constantly succeeding, progressing mold, especially in the cases where our

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Speaker 1: parents have worked really hard for our opportunities, or in

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Speaker 1: the cases where you are kind of the golden child,

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Speaker 1: the one who everyone is putting expectations on. We're also

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Speaker 1: facing a lot of worsening social and economic conditions compared

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Speaker 1: to our parents, and that, paired with an increasing emphasis

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Speaker 1: on being carefree and having options and having different paths,

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Speaker 1: keeps us in a place of feeling really stuck and

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Speaker 1: feeling like there is something that we should do, but

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Speaker 1: something that we would like to do. These pathways in life, right,

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Speaker 1: there's so many different ones. Go to UNI, don't go

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Speaker 1: to UNI, travel the world, don't travel the world, Get

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Speaker 1: a corporate job, get an internship, go and be a creative.

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Speaker 1: There are so many pathways that feel mutually exclusive, so

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Speaker 1: choosing a pathway is difficult. It brings up a lot

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Speaker 1: of cognitive dissonance, and with that comes either this pressure

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Speaker 1: of not living up to your potential or this pressure

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Speaker 1: of not making yourself happy, and with that guilt of

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Speaker 1: not living up to your potential, or guilt for wasting

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Speaker 1: your years, wasting your young years, wasting what you know

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Speaker 1: would make you feel fulfilled. Like we spoke about before,

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Speaker 1: it's that sense that you're doing something wrong that leads

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Speaker 1: to feelings of guilt. And it's not always a social feeling.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes it's that you're doing something wrong in comparison to

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Speaker 1: what you feel like you should be doing. The thing

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Speaker 1: that we need to remember is that Your only duty

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Speaker 1: at the end of the day is to live a

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Speaker 1: life that you find fulfilling, that you find deeply inspiring

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Speaker 1: and nourishing and joy inducing, even if it's not what

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Speaker 1: others expect from you. You don't need to feel guilty

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Speaker 1: for taking your time, for taking it slow, for changing

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Speaker 1: your mind at any point. So all of these explanations

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Speaker 1: focus on that guilt, complex guilt with no apparent reason

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Speaker 1: or justified explanation. But we also have reactive guilt, which

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Speaker 1: is when we have done you know, we've done something wrong,

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Speaker 1: we've hurt somebody, we've acted against what we knew was right,

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Speaker 1: our moral code, and we are left with a deep

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Speaker 1: sense of regret and remorse and maybe even struggling to

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Speaker 1: see ourselves beyond our actions. We are this one bad

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Speaker 1: thing that we did and nothing will ever change that.

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Speaker 1: That is kind of the cognitive distortion that we buy into.

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Speaker 1: We believe that just because we acted against our better

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Speaker 1: judgment once that makes us an evil person. I think

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Speaker 1: if you grew up in a very religious family or

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Speaker 1: even had some religious education, this is going to influence

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Speaker 1: you more than you know. Additionally, that you know those

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Speaker 1: broader themes of good and bad and being a good

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Speaker 1: person are everywhere in society, and we often feel like

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Speaker 1: our worst moments are therefore what defines us, and that

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Speaker 1: they kind of outshine the million other things that we do,

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Speaker 1: the millions of other moments of empathy and kindness. I

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Speaker 1: think guilt in this moment is hard because you know

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Speaker 1: that you've done something wrong, and it's not meant to

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Speaker 1: become maladaptive. It's not meant to keep you in a

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Speaker 1: dark place of self pity and regret. It is meant

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Speaker 1: to serve as a teachable moment, a moment for accountability.

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Speaker 1: This wouldn't feel as bad if you weren't actually a

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Speaker 1: good person. If you were a bad person who lacks

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Speaker 1: empathy and kindness and sincerity, you wouldn't be feeling this way.

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Speaker 1: So your guilt is in itself a reminder of the

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Speaker 1: fact that you are a good person who has done

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Speaker 1: a bad thing. Whether you've heard a friend, you've said

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Speaker 1: something that you shouldn't have, you've let someone down, you've cheated,

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Speaker 1: you've let yourself down. The easiest way to ensure that

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Speaker 1: you don't learn from this experience is to avoid this emotion.

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Speaker 1: So what I want to talk about next is how

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Speaker 1: to integrate it, how to overcome our chronic feelings of guilt,

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Speaker 1: our guilt complex, how to stop making guilt as staple

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Speaker 1: of who you are. All of that and more after

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Speaker 1: this short break. So we've talked about two different guilt

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Speaker 1: experiences here, reactive guilt actually doing something that has hurt

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Speaker 1: someone or damaged some part of your life. And then

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Speaker 1: the guilt complex, chronic feelings of guilt that have no

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Speaker 1: specific or real source. So I really want to focus

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Speaker 1: on the second experience here. I think overcoming reactive guilt

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Speaker 1: is a much more simple equation. Maybe that is a

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Speaker 1: bit deluded of me, but I do believe it is

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Speaker 1: more based on making amends, apologizing sincerely, making a commitment

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Speaker 1: to grow and learn from your mistakes. We have an equation,

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Speaker 1: a solution for dealing with reactive guilt, But the issue

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Speaker 1: with a guilt complex is that the source of it

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Speaker 1: is a lot more unidentifiable. It's very mental. We're searching

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Speaker 1: for things to feel guilty about before they even emerge,

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Speaker 1: rather than feeling guilt naturally in response to some experience

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Speaker 1: or event. We've explained why that is because obviously we're

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Speaker 1: instinctual people pleases, we carry a childhood guilt wound. We're perfectionists.

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Speaker 1: Maybe we also struggle with anxiety or obsessive and intrusive thoughts.

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Speaker 1: I know it all too well. Guilt for resting, guilt

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Speaker 1: for not resting, guilt for all of those things. It's

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Speaker 1: very never ending. But here are some ways that I've

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Speaker 1: challenged that recently, and a lot of it is based

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Speaker 1: in behavior theory, so that is also known as CBT

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Speaker 1: for short. It's this idea that when we deliberately change

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Speaker 1: our attitude or our perception of our emotions, we also

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Speaker 1: change our behavioral tendencies that are attached to them. We

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Speaker 1: stop searching, we stop ruminating. And one way I did

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Speaker 1: this was by telling myself that guilt was boring. I've

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Speaker 1: spoken about this when it comes to fear, but it's

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Speaker 1: boring to be thinking about the same emotion repetitively, day

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Speaker 1: in and day out. Guilt is a waste of my energy,

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Speaker 1: especially when it comes to a guilt complex. It's counterproductive.

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Speaker 1: When I think of my guilt as boring rather than

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Speaker 1: as useful, it becomes a lot easier to discredit. It's

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Speaker 1: so easy to reinforce this belief as well. When you

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Speaker 1: think your friend is mad at you for needing to

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Speaker 1: spend a day by yourself, for canceling plans. When you're

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Speaker 1: anxious that you're disappointing someone, that you're falling behind, that

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00:26:00,440 --> 00:26:05,280
Speaker 1: you're failing yourself, literally say to yourself, speak these words

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Speaker 1: in your mind. This is boring. This guilt i'm feeling

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Speaker 1: is boring. I am bored by this emotion. I'm gonna

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00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:17,199
Speaker 1: think about something else now. You stop treating the emotion

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Speaker 1: as a fact, You stop putting it on a pedestal,

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Speaker 1: you stop treating it like a truth about yourself rather

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Speaker 1: than as just a feeling, and you're choosing not to

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Speaker 1: engage with it. Also, it's really important to name your guilt,

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Speaker 1: examine the source and whether it should be believed. Some

433
00:26:36,800 --> 00:26:39,680
Speaker 1: good prompts are like, straight off the bat, what is

434
00:26:39,720 --> 00:26:43,040
Speaker 1: it that I actually feel guilty about right now? Has

435
00:26:43,119 --> 00:26:45,920
Speaker 1: someone actually been hurt by my actions? Have I been

436
00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:49,760
Speaker 1: hurt by my actions? Or is this just a feeling

437
00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:52,280
Speaker 1: that I have? Is it me trying to like is

438
00:26:52,280 --> 00:26:55,400
Speaker 1: it my hypervigilance? Is it me trying to identify something

439
00:26:55,440 --> 00:26:59,800
Speaker 1: before it's occurred? Is that justified? Can I actually identify

440
00:26:59,840 --> 00:27:03,800
Speaker 1: a specific choice, action, behavior that I could have changed

441
00:27:04,680 --> 00:27:09,560
Speaker 1: to be feeling differently right now. Remember that you are

442
00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:12,920
Speaker 1: just one person right now, you know, and this feeling

443
00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:17,720
Speaker 1: of guilt is often coming from a place of caring

444
00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:20,560
Speaker 1: more about the feelings of others than caring about your

445
00:27:20,600 --> 00:27:25,200
Speaker 1: own feelings, especially that unspecified guilt. You cannot do it all.

446
00:27:25,280 --> 00:27:29,240
Speaker 1: You cannot make everybody happy, and a sad reality I

447
00:27:29,280 --> 00:27:31,320
Speaker 1: think for a lot of us who are people pleasers,

448
00:27:31,440 --> 00:27:34,560
Speaker 1: is that sometimes people are going to just be disappointed

449
00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:38,200
Speaker 1: in you. You might hurt their feelings, you might annoy

450
00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:42,000
Speaker 1: them even without realizing it. But unless they say something

451
00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:45,880
Speaker 1: to you, unless they that you know that you've screwed up,

452
00:27:46,440 --> 00:27:50,119
Speaker 1: unless they are explicit, it is none of your business

453
00:27:50,359 --> 00:27:52,960
Speaker 1: what they choose to think privately and how they choose

454
00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:56,359
Speaker 1: to manage their emotions. You're not a mind reader, and

455
00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:58,399
Speaker 1: I think even if you were, you would find that

456
00:27:58,520 --> 00:28:00,639
Speaker 1: a lot of people aren't thinking about it that deeply.

457
00:28:01,320 --> 00:28:03,160
Speaker 1: No one is mad at you, no one is holding

458
00:28:03,200 --> 00:28:06,760
Speaker 1: your grudge. You've not let them down. And if you

459
00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:11,680
Speaker 1: believe that you have, challenge that belief or ask them,

460
00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:15,640
Speaker 1: just be vulnerable and ask them, say hey, I kind

461
00:28:15,640 --> 00:28:18,679
Speaker 1: of need some reassurance right now, I'm feeling guilty for

462
00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:21,760
Speaker 1: this thing. Can you tell me whether that is like

463
00:28:21,800 --> 00:28:24,880
Speaker 1: a rational feeling to be had? And I would say

464
00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:26,840
Speaker 1: ninety nine percent of the time, they'll be honest with you.

465
00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:30,080
Speaker 1: They'll understand because I think this is a universal experience.

466
00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:32,879
Speaker 1: They'll understand that you are coming from a place of

467
00:28:32,960 --> 00:28:37,560
Speaker 1: genuinely caring about them and wanting to do them right. Also,

468
00:28:37,640 --> 00:28:42,640
Speaker 1: if you are struggling with chronic underlying guilt for whatever

469
00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:45,920
Speaker 1: it may be, it might actually be a symptom of

470
00:28:46,040 --> 00:28:50,800
Speaker 1: actually just being quite burnt out and overwhelmed. When we

471
00:28:50,840 --> 00:28:52,960
Speaker 1: are burnt out, when we are at the end of

472
00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:56,840
Speaker 1: our teather, you don't have the same cognitive defenses to

473
00:28:57,000 --> 00:29:00,920
Speaker 1: keep the negative beliefs and feelings at bay. That is

474
00:29:00,920 --> 00:29:04,480
Speaker 1: where rest is so important, but it's often neglected because

475
00:29:04,600 --> 00:29:09,040
Speaker 1: a lot of us, particularly perfectionists, feel guilty for resting.

476
00:29:09,120 --> 00:29:12,160
Speaker 1: We feel lazy, We feel like we haven't worked hard enough,

477
00:29:12,560 --> 00:29:15,280
Speaker 1: and so rest often makes us feel more guilty. It's

478
00:29:15,320 --> 00:29:18,560
Speaker 1: this cycle. But it is not true that you need

479
00:29:18,600 --> 00:29:22,680
Speaker 1: to earn rest. Rest is so important for your body

480
00:29:23,120 --> 00:29:29,120
Speaker 1: but also for your mind, and it means prioritizing mental, physical, emotional,

481
00:29:29,240 --> 00:29:33,000
Speaker 1: and social time out and social breaks, give yourself a

482
00:29:33,120 --> 00:29:35,400
Speaker 1: day to just be with yourself, to do what you

483
00:29:35,480 --> 00:29:38,440
Speaker 1: want to, not be responsible to any other people, to

484
00:29:38,480 --> 00:29:42,920
Speaker 1: any work commitments, to any study commitments, whether that is

485
00:29:43,040 --> 00:29:45,280
Speaker 1: laying in bed all day, taking yourself for a hike,

486
00:29:45,920 --> 00:29:49,040
Speaker 1: just not seeing other people. This really has a lot

487
00:29:49,080 --> 00:29:52,200
Speaker 1: of benefits to In particular, a it allows us to

488
00:29:52,240 --> 00:29:56,360
Speaker 1: deprioritize other people's needs and concentrate on our own, so

489
00:29:56,520 --> 00:29:59,600
Speaker 1: really reducing our sense that we need to make them

490
00:29:59,600 --> 00:30:02,720
Speaker 1: happy and feeling guilty when we can't and be It

491
00:30:02,880 --> 00:30:05,360
Speaker 1: ensures that you are filling up your cup when it

492
00:30:05,440 --> 00:30:08,960
Speaker 1: is getting depleted, and that you can handle bad thoughts

493
00:30:09,240 --> 00:30:14,080
Speaker 1: or hard situations because you are mentally sharp and healthy. Finally,

494
00:30:14,320 --> 00:30:17,600
Speaker 1: we have to talk about self forgiveness and radical self compassion. Here.

495
00:30:18,680 --> 00:30:24,120
Speaker 1: Sometimes we become stuck in our negative beliefs because we

496
00:30:24,200 --> 00:30:28,200
Speaker 1: feel like we deserve to be there. We use guilt

497
00:30:28,760 --> 00:30:31,080
Speaker 1: as a way to self punish, as a way to

498
00:30:31,120 --> 00:30:34,480
Speaker 1: almost feel like we're repenting and making up for some

499
00:30:34,520 --> 00:30:38,400
Speaker 1: past mistake by making ourselves feel bad. We have seen

500
00:30:38,480 --> 00:30:42,320
Speaker 1: studies and research about this a lot more recently, and

501
00:30:42,360 --> 00:30:45,480
Speaker 1: there was one in particular that showed that when you

502
00:30:45,560 --> 00:30:52,320
Speaker 1: magnify your mistakes or possible faults, or where your guilt

503
00:30:52,440 --> 00:30:54,200
Speaker 1: is coming from. When you magnify the things that you

504
00:30:54,240 --> 00:30:56,720
Speaker 1: believe you've done wrong and the emotions that come with that,

505
00:30:57,480 --> 00:31:00,280
Speaker 1: it is so self destructive, but it also as a

506
00:31:00,320 --> 00:31:03,400
Speaker 1: form of self punishment. You know, you probably feel like

507
00:31:03,440 --> 00:31:05,440
Speaker 1: you deserve to feel this way, that it's going to

508
00:31:05,520 --> 00:31:08,320
Speaker 1: make you a better person to keep yourself in this

509
00:31:08,360 --> 00:31:10,800
Speaker 1: state for a bit longer, to keep yourself in pain,

510
00:31:11,200 --> 00:31:14,440
Speaker 1: to justify your actions, but really what it's doing is

511
00:31:14,480 --> 00:31:21,120
Speaker 1: actually keeping you operating from a place of intense sensitivity

512
00:31:21,680 --> 00:31:25,480
Speaker 1: and needing to adhere to doing everything right. More often

513
00:31:25,520 --> 00:31:28,920
Speaker 1: than not, the belief that you are bad actually contributes

514
00:31:28,960 --> 00:31:32,040
Speaker 1: to more bad behavior because it is a self fulfilling prophecy.

515
00:31:33,080 --> 00:31:37,600
Speaker 1: There is this incredible book called The will Power Instinct,

516
00:31:38,160 --> 00:31:42,520
Speaker 1: and it talks about this so succinctly. It is forgiveness,

517
00:31:43,280 --> 00:31:48,000
Speaker 1: not guilt, that makes you a better person, And there's

518
00:31:48,000 --> 00:31:51,400
Speaker 1: been research into this. A study in twenty seventeen found

519
00:31:51,400 --> 00:31:55,920
Speaker 1: that taking a self compassionate point of view on personal failure,

520
00:31:56,480 --> 00:32:00,479
Speaker 1: on hurting other people and I'm upsetting other people, it

521
00:32:00,520 --> 00:32:03,840
Speaker 1: actually means that you are more likely to grow from

522
00:32:03,840 --> 00:32:08,200
Speaker 1: that experience. You become more willing to receive feedback advice

523
00:32:08,240 --> 00:32:11,600
Speaker 1: from others, You're more likely to learn and take responsibility.

524
00:32:11,840 --> 00:32:14,080
Speaker 1: That is something really important to think about. In those

525
00:32:14,120 --> 00:32:17,320
Speaker 1: moments where your guilt is very present, you can choose

526
00:32:17,360 --> 00:32:19,600
Speaker 1: to stay there. That is totally your choice. You can

527
00:32:19,680 --> 00:32:23,200
Speaker 1: choose to feel guilty because it feels good to feel bad,

528
00:32:24,080 --> 00:32:27,920
Speaker 1: or you can choose to practice radical self compassion and

529
00:32:28,080 --> 00:32:31,760
Speaker 1: just show yourself so much forgiveness and love for the

530
00:32:31,840 --> 00:32:34,720
Speaker 1: mistakes you knew you shouldn't have made, but you also

531
00:32:35,160 --> 00:32:39,120
Speaker 1: didn't know any better at the time. Think about what

532
00:32:39,160 --> 00:32:42,160
Speaker 1: you were feeling guilty about, whatever it is, even if

533
00:32:42,160 --> 00:32:46,040
Speaker 1: it's small. If that was your best friend, or your sister,

534
00:32:46,360 --> 00:32:49,640
Speaker 1: or your partner or your mom, and the roles were reversed,

535
00:32:50,080 --> 00:32:53,720
Speaker 1: would you forgive them? Their answer is that you probably would.

536
00:32:54,240 --> 00:32:56,720
Speaker 1: You would forgive them. So what is holding you back

537
00:32:56,720 --> 00:33:02,760
Speaker 1: from forgiving yourself? Why are you personally undeserving of self forgiveness?

538
00:33:02,880 --> 00:33:06,160
Speaker 1: We so often treat others better than we treat ourselves.

539
00:33:06,160 --> 00:33:08,400
Speaker 1: We are more likely to show them love and compassion.

540
00:33:08,880 --> 00:33:10,840
Speaker 1: But when we reverse the roles, we have a better

541
00:33:10,880 --> 00:33:14,040
Speaker 1: perspective on what we're really feeling, whether we are really

542
00:33:14,080 --> 00:33:17,360
Speaker 1: deserving to live this way. And I think when we

543
00:33:17,400 --> 00:33:19,800
Speaker 1: examine whether we would put someone we love through the

544
00:33:19,880 --> 00:33:24,160
Speaker 1: emotional experience we're having, the answer is no. You're a

545
00:33:24,200 --> 00:33:27,680
Speaker 1: good person, You're a kind person. You wouldn't be feeling

546
00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:31,800
Speaker 1: guilt otherwise. So please remember save some of that compassion

547
00:33:31,840 --> 00:33:34,960
Speaker 1: that you always have for others, some of that forgiveness

548
00:33:34,960 --> 00:33:38,440
Speaker 1: that you always have for others, for yourself, not just

549
00:33:38,440 --> 00:33:41,520
Speaker 1: for those around you. I really hope that you enjoyed

550
00:33:41,520 --> 00:33:44,920
Speaker 1: this episode. If you're someone who is experiencing chronic guilt,

551
00:33:45,360 --> 00:33:49,360
Speaker 1: I hope this informed you, inspired you, enlightened you. Whatever

552
00:33:49,400 --> 00:33:51,520
Speaker 1: you were looking to get out of this episode, I

553
00:33:51,560 --> 00:33:54,280
Speaker 1: really hope that you've received it. You are not alone

554
00:33:54,320 --> 00:33:56,040
Speaker 1: in this feeling. I say that at the end of

555
00:33:56,040 --> 00:33:59,040
Speaker 1: almost every episode because when we do start to break

556
00:33:59,080 --> 00:34:02,920
Speaker 1: down the psychology some of these emotional experiences, you begin

557
00:34:02,960 --> 00:34:05,920
Speaker 1: to realize how universal they are, especially in our twenties.

558
00:34:06,120 --> 00:34:09,520
Speaker 1: So if you are someone who has experienced chronic guilt

559
00:34:09,520 --> 00:34:14,440
Speaker 1: at disappointing others, guilt it not living up to your expectations, Yeah,

560
00:34:14,480 --> 00:34:16,800
Speaker 1: I just hope this helped, and you can always message

561
00:34:16,800 --> 00:34:19,840
Speaker 1: me at that Psychology podcast to share your thoughts. Feelings,

562
00:34:19,920 --> 00:34:23,040
Speaker 1: questions about this episode. If you enjoyed it, or if

563
00:34:23,080 --> 00:34:25,080
Speaker 1: you think there is someone else who might need to

564
00:34:25,120 --> 00:34:27,960
Speaker 1: hear who might need to hear this, please feel free

565
00:34:28,040 --> 00:34:31,000
Speaker 1: to send them a link and share on the Love.

566
00:34:31,600 --> 00:34:34,640
Speaker 1: Also leave a five star review wherever you're listening right now,

567
00:34:34,680 --> 00:34:38,319
Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, Spotify. It helps the show to grow and

568
00:34:38,400 --> 00:34:41,560
Speaker 1: reach new people, and as always, we will be back

569
00:34:41,640 --> 00:34:45,640
Speaker 1: next week with another episode