Speaker 1: Okay, so let's talk about settling.
Speaker 2: I really want to talk about settling in relationships because
Speaker 2: I want to say something so graciously and in a classy,
Speaker 2: respectful manner. Anytime that I've left a relationship where it
Speaker 2: doesn't feel right in my body at that time, I
Speaker 2: later thank myself and it's gone deeper and deeper. Okay.
Speaker 1: So it could be.
Speaker 2: Leaving an engagement, leaving a marriage, it could be a
Speaker 2: number of things. But I just want to tell you
Speaker 2: that recently I've been saying to myself, I am so
Speaker 2: grateful for having the courage to walk away from things
Speaker 2: that don't work for me. So that could be work,
Speaker 2: That could be friendships. That could be business deals that
Speaker 2: just crush your soul. That could be confronting a boss
Speaker 2: or not accepting less than what you deserve. That could
Speaker 2: be a relationship where you're just like I am doing
Speaker 2: it's good. It could be very good. Now if it's bad,
Speaker 2: that's not even a discussion. But it could be good
Speaker 2: to very good. But if it doesn't fit feel right
Speaker 2: in your body, you know, when you eat something it
Speaker 2: doesn't agree with you. You may not get violently ill, but
Speaker 2: it doesn't agree with you or you're constantly thinking about it,
Speaker 2: you know, when you're fidgeting in an outfit or it
Speaker 2: just like you don't love it, so you don't live
Speaker 2: for it. Put it the fuck down, take it off
Speaker 2: if you don't. If you're not, like you have to
Speaker 2: like convince yourself and people around you. You know, when
Speaker 2: you put something on you like this is it game
Speaker 2: over story in film at eleven. That's what a relationship
Speaker 2: should be like. And if you're not feeling that now,
Speaker 2: it doesn't mean that you're not going to go through
Speaker 2: issues and work through things, but like it has to
Speaker 2: be coming out.
Speaker 1: Of your pores.
Speaker 2: How right a relationship is for you. You have to
Speaker 2: know from the depths of your being if a relationship
Speaker 2: is right for you, and if it's not, you cannot
Speaker 2: stay because of fear your age, you're too old, you're
Speaker 2: never gonna meet someone, or this person was so great,
Speaker 2: or they treat you so well, or they're rich or
Speaker 2: they're generous, or they're a doctor, or your parents like them,
Speaker 2: or your friends like them, or they fit in, or
Speaker 2: your kids are still home and they're not off at
Speaker 2: college yet, or you have a good friend group and
Speaker 2: it's going to break up.
Speaker 1: The friend group.
Speaker 2: All of these things do not matter. Okay if you
Speaker 2: don't know, yes, it's no, because this is the most
Speaker 2: important part of this. Once you jump, you fly, and
Speaker 2: then you find what you really need. And if you
Speaker 2: are stuck in the wrong thing, you're never gonna find
Speaker 2: the right thing. And not until you find the right
Speaker 2: thing or you're going to say, oh my god, thank
Speaker 2: you so much for having the courage to walk out
Speaker 2: of something that it's harder to walk out of something
Speaker 2: that's like very good because you're almost there. But we
Speaker 2: are winners. We go all the way. We take that
Speaker 2: ball into the end zone. We don't eat average food
Speaker 2: mid we don't go on mid vacations. I'd rather stay
Speaker 2: home and go on a mid or shitty vacation. I'd
Speaker 2: rather stay home than stay in a shitty room. I
Speaker 2: don't want to go somewhere and feel grosser than I
Speaker 2: do at home, Like I want to go somewhere and
Speaker 2: be elevated. I don't want to eat out if it's
Speaker 2: not gonna be better than what I could look at home.
Speaker 2: I don't want that. I don't need to go to
Speaker 2: a hip restaurant with shift food. Do it or don't.
Speaker 2: That's part of what I was saying about my Halloween costume,
Speaker 2: you know, like do it or don't you going to Halloween.
Speaker 1: Let's go to the Hidi Gloon party.
Speaker 2: Let's do it, let's get dressed, let's turn it out,
Speaker 2: let's have fun, and let's go home. Like that's it.
Speaker 2: I don't want to do medium. I don't want mediocre.
Speaker 2: I don't want mid in any category. Not food, not sex,
Speaker 2: not man, not woman, not friend, not job, not travel,
Speaker 2: not experience, not staff, not team around you. We do
Speaker 2: all stars, we do Hall of Fame. We're not like
Speaker 2: that tipsy demere trend. It's like we're not like the
Speaker 2: other girlies. We don't do average. We don't do mid.
Speaker 1: We do elite. We do do it or don't and
Speaker 1: do it well or don't do it at all.
Speaker 2: So that's something that I think is really important in relationships.
Speaker 2: I think we tend to self sabotage in relationships when
Speaker 2: we're really happier, when it's going really well, when we
Speaker 2: get scared. If you ever started dating someone and you
Speaker 2: like them so much that you have anxiety because you're
Speaker 2: like over your skis and you're like having anxiety, you're
Speaker 2: sabotaging that is a dangerous place to be, and that's
Speaker 2: a place when you have to calm down. Take several
Speaker 2: deep breaths. Do not text anything, Do not email anything.
Speaker 2: Write an email to yourself or to the person and
Speaker 2: put it in drafts and just save it.
Speaker 1: Do not send.
Speaker 2: You need to wait six hours before sending because we
Speaker 2: tend to get anxiety and want to blow things up
Speaker 2: because they're too good. Especially if you grow up in
Speaker 2: a fucked up house, especially if you're used to chaos
Speaker 2: us is your norm, it's going to be very hard
Speaker 2: for you to have peace and be happy. There also
Speaker 2: will be situations where you are incapable of being loved.
Speaker 2: You are not porous, you are not open, you're not available,
Speaker 2: and that's a hard thing to access. And also trust yourself,
Speaker 2: because if you're not open and porous and accessible, it
Speaker 2: may be because you're with the wrong person. With the
Speaker 2: right person, you will want to open up with the
Speaker 2: right person. You will want to check yourself because you
Speaker 2: will want to do the work because it's so worth it,
Speaker 2: because the stakes are so high. Like if you meet
Speaker 2: someone that's incredible and you know they are so well
Speaker 2: matched to you and you are so compatible, that's when
Speaker 2: you really have to pull your shit together, and that's
Speaker 2: when you have to check yourself. And that's like when
Speaker 2: you're going to the Olympics, you're preparing for the big race,
Speaker 2: you're preparing for you know, your college entry exams or whatever.
Speaker 2: The most important thing is you are not fucking around.
Speaker 2: You're not making mistakes. You're not you know, getting drunk
Speaker 2: and doing drunk dialing or just like you know, self
Speaker 2: destructing and doing stupid things and saying things.
Speaker 1: You're gonna check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Speaker 2: When you see that something is really good for you
Speaker 2: and could really like change your life, you're not going
Speaker 2: to fuck it up. You are going to collect, get organized,
Speaker 2: be intentional, and do the work. So if something usually
Speaker 2: when something's really good and people are really connected and
Speaker 2: everything's great, that's when they wouldn't do therapy. That's when
Speaker 2: they think they've got it going good. But everything has
Speaker 2: the new car smell and little cracks become craters. And
Speaker 2: when the car has the new car smell, that's when
Speaker 2: you start doing the work. That's when you get the
Speaker 2: self help book. That's when you talk to your partner
Speaker 2: about self help. That's when you check in with your partner.
Speaker 2: That's when you do therapy on yourself and eventually hopefully
Speaker 2: with them. I am not above if I'm really into someone.
Speaker 2: I'm not above early on, if they're on the same page,
Speaker 2: once every couple of months talking to a therapist or
Speaker 2: once a month, because you want to lock the door
Speaker 2: before you get robbed. And there could be different dynamics.
Speaker 2: If you're an adult and you have kids and you're blending,
Speaker 2: that would be a situation where you might want to
Speaker 2: get a professional involved, okay, because that's something that takes
Speaker 2: you know, finessing, and you don't want to do damage
Speaker 2: in the beginning that you can undo. Or if you're
Speaker 2: in a long distance relationship, let's say, and there's certain
Speaker 2: you get in your head and there's a certain you know,
Speaker 2: there are certain tools and a skill set you need
Speaker 2: to navigate. That's a time when you would be proactive
Speaker 2: and intentional. So I think it's important to make an
Speaker 2: effort and be intentional when the stakes are high, and
Speaker 2: you know when they're high, when you're like, wow, this
Speaker 2: could really be it. And I know myself and I
Speaker 2: know my tendencies, and I know my habits, and I
Speaker 2: know my ways and I know that history repeats itself,
Speaker 2: and I know that I start to get anxious attachment
Speaker 2: to someone. I start to get anxiety. I start to
Speaker 2: get in my head. I make up scenarios, I start
Speaker 2: to obsess, I start to fixate. I start to get
Speaker 2: overly knee, I start to get overly distant. I start
Speaker 2: to want to make the other person jealous. I start
Speaker 2: to like when they're jealous. I start to be jealous.
Speaker 2: Whatever your noise is, you have it, and you keep
Speaker 2: doing it over and over. And when you first get
Speaker 2: in the relationship, you don't think you're going to do
Speaker 2: it over and over because it's got the new car smell.
Speaker 2: And then all of a sudden, one day you hit
Speaker 2: a brick wall and you go back to your ways,
Speaker 2: and you convince yourself, and you call your friends and
Speaker 2: your crowdsource because you want all your friends to validate
Speaker 2: and reinforce what you're saying, which is a terrible idea.
Speaker 2: Do not go taking advice from your friends. Take advice
Speaker 2: from professionals. Or you could have a certain friend or
Speaker 2: a colleague or someone that you already know has excellent judgment.
Speaker 2: Doesn't always tell you what you want to hear. Is
Speaker 2: going to tell you the unpopular thing is going to
Speaker 2: be like your local affordable therapist. That's a different model,
Speaker 2: but it's not your friend that every day you just
Speaker 2: call it a complaint and they validate everything you say,
Speaker 2: and they just don't They just want to make you
Speaker 2: feel good, or they just like are someone that allows
Speaker 2: you to hear yourself talk, don't do that. There's a
Speaker 2: lot to navigate, and as we get older, there are
Speaker 2: so many dynamics. So I have a dating theory and
Speaker 2: a relation to theory and a marriage theory, and it
Speaker 2: might help frame things.
Speaker 1: I think that in.
Speaker 2: Partnerships, one partner is a rescue dog. Well, no, that's
Speaker 2: not true. You can have two rescue dogs together. You
Speaker 2: can have two breeder dogs together. But I think that
Speaker 2: people are either a breeder dog or a rescue dog.
Speaker 2: You either grew up in the Drew Barrymore School of parenting,
Speaker 2: which is an extreme, don't get me wrong. And I
Speaker 2: grew up I went to the Drew Barrymore School of Childhood,
Speaker 2: and or you were like in a family that was together,
Speaker 2: and of course every family has its issues. But like
Speaker 2: you have a safe, secure attachment program, you believe that
Speaker 2: people can have a good relationship. You've witnessed good relationships,
Speaker 2: you have some foundation, you are not a mess, and
Speaker 2: you don't like you've seen normal constructs that other people
Speaker 2: have never even witnessed, like for me, seeing like a
Speaker 2: normal relationship in a family environment, a stable relationship, non drama,
Speaker 2: non drugs, non abuse, non alcohol, non psychological abuse, non gambling,
Speaker 2: you know, non underage going to night clubs like just
Speaker 2: I've seen action. I've seen just debauchery. And so for me,
Speaker 2: chaos was the norm. Action was the norm. So being
Speaker 2: in something stable and peaceful, or seeing someone or being
Speaker 2: with someone who's normal and stable and peaceful is strange.
Speaker 2: It's an alien concept. It's like putting something strange into
Speaker 2: your bloodstream that it doesn't that it rejects. So I'm
Speaker 2: like a rescue dog because someone could do something that
Speaker 2: would be normal, and I would see it as a
Speaker 2: fight or flight. I would see it as trauma. Someone
Speaker 2: could not text you back for thirty minutes, and I
Speaker 2: could think the world's coming to an end, where someone
Speaker 2: else would have a normal rational thought that like someone
Speaker 2: might be in, you know, in an appointment, and that's
Speaker 2: just a dumb example. But breeder dogs walk in with
Speaker 2: secure attachment history. They've seen good relationships. They know that
Speaker 2: it's possible. It's not like an island that they see
Speaker 2: that they have no idea how to swim to. They
Speaker 2: have faith in the process. They think they could be
Speaker 2: in love. They know how to treat someone nicely. They
Speaker 2: don't need for there to be action and drama and
Speaker 2: a problem all the time. They aren't deeply anxiety ridden
Speaker 2: in insecure. They could be insecure. They could be jealous,
Speaker 2: but they might not have the same issues and noise.
Speaker 2: And the thing is, if someone identifies what they are
Speaker 2: and shares it with the other person, it can help
Speaker 2: in the relationship because you know when someone's doing something
Speaker 2: it has nothing to do with you. If a breeder
Speaker 2: dog starts shaking like I have a special needs dog smalls,
Speaker 2: he shakes for no reason. He's a rescue. His mom
Speaker 2: is going to be euthanized. He shakes for no reason.
Speaker 2: He's a disaster. He's a mess. He has five nervous
Speaker 2: breakdowns a day. He's scared of water, his own shadow.
Speaker 2: He'll have two nervous breakdowns a day to start shaking
Speaker 2: and panicking. Things happened like he's a fucking wreck. Okay,
Speaker 2: Biggie is just like super well adjusted.
Speaker 1: I could bring him on a plane.
Speaker 2: Small's tongue comes out like one of those frogs that
Speaker 2: has like that tongue that comes out to like get flies. I'm,
Speaker 2: you know, not a mess, but like normal. I tell
Speaker 2: people I'm a squirrel. I don't trust. So you come
Speaker 2: near me and maybe I'll come with you to get
Speaker 2: like some of the food. But you make a little
Speaker 2: weird move. I'm running up that fucking tree. So like
Speaker 2: I'm like a rescue dog. You cannot explain why a
Speaker 2: rescue dog you come near them and they shake and
Speaker 2: they run away, or why they won't let you put
Speaker 2: a leash on her, or they won't let you give
Speaker 2: him a bath, or some weird thing triggers down like
Speaker 2: a treat or something.
Speaker 1: You don't know.
Speaker 2: They're a rescue dog. They've been fucked up. They have
Speaker 2: a fucked up child, a a fucked up past. Someone
Speaker 2: abused them. Someone asks who hurts you? I'm like, where
Speaker 2: do you want? Where do I sign up for?
Speaker 1: Telling you? You want the list who hurt me? Who
Speaker 1: didn't hurt me.
Speaker 2: I've seen my mother get the shit beaten out of
Speaker 2: her with a phone I've seen people do drugs. I've
Speaker 2: had my mother get beaten up and then heard sex
Speaker 2: fifteen minutes later.
Speaker 1: Crazy shit.
Speaker 2: I've been to nightclub since I was thirteen years doing drugs,
Speaker 2: doing everything that's wrong, everything that your kid is not
Speaker 2: supposed to be doing. Taking the train into New York
Speaker 2: City at fourteen years old, getting myself to fourteenth Street,
Speaker 2: to the Palladium, to Area to the tunnel to save
Speaker 2: the robot. Like, none of this is normal. I have
Speaker 2: a fourteen year old in my house, Like what, So
Speaker 2: the thing is, I'm a fucking rescue dog. So to
Speaker 2: communicate with a partner. If I'm in a relationship with
Speaker 2: a breeder dog, I have to let the breeder dog
Speaker 2: know I don't act like a normal person. So understand
Speaker 2: that one of us is going to have to be sane.
Speaker 2: One of us has to be the rock. I'm not
Speaker 2: the rock. I'm the fucking peacock. I'm the star. I'm entertaining,
Speaker 2: I'm hilarious, I'm loyal, I'll be good to you, I'll
Speaker 2: do everything for you. I am the most fun person
Speaker 2: you've ever met. No two days will ever be the same.
Speaker 2: You will have a life of laughter and excitement and
Speaker 2: adventure and joy and fucking ride or die, and loyalty
Speaker 2: and hard work, and you will learn things you never learn.
Speaker 2: No one's ever been more efficient, I don't. No one's
Speaker 2: ever been more like. I am highly functional, I am
Speaker 2: super organized. I can get ten things done.
Speaker 1: To your one.
Speaker 2: I will always be ahead of you, smarter, faster, quicker.
Speaker 2: But I'm a fucking disaster. So you need to know
Speaker 2: that you're gonna have to be the rational saying rock here.
Speaker 2: So do you want that job or don't you? And
Speaker 2: also you have to be interesting, because you can't be
Speaker 2: a fucking boring doormat. That's gonna be the rock. You
Speaker 2: have to be fun and ready to go. So know
Speaker 2: if you're the rescue dog or the breeder dog, communicate
Speaker 2: about it. And two rescue dogs can be together, and
Speaker 2: a rescue dog and a breeder dog can be together.
Speaker 2: But you just have to communicate. It's an important thing.
Speaker 2: And you know who you are. Maybe you're right down
Speaker 2: the middle, Maybe you're a part maybe you're a mixed breed,
Speaker 2: you're part rescue, part reader. I don't think you can
Speaker 2: be part bader, part rescue, but I once did get
Speaker 2: a dog from it. Was like a rescue dog, but
Speaker 2: I got it from like a rescue dog store, so
Speaker 2: it was like safe, but it wasn't a purebred, so
Speaker 2: you decide for yourself. You are welcome, have a great day.