WEBVTT - Just B Dating: Rescue Dog Dating

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, so let's talk about settling.

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<v Speaker 2>I really want to talk about settling in relationships because

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<v Speaker 2>I want to say something so graciously and in a classy,

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<v Speaker 2>respectful manner. Anytime that I've left a relationship where it

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<v Speaker 2>doesn't feel right in my body at that time, I

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<v Speaker 2>later thank myself and it's gone deeper and deeper. Okay.

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<v Speaker 1>So it could be.

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<v Speaker 2>Leaving an engagement, leaving a marriage, it could be a

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<v Speaker 2>number of things. But I just want to tell you

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<v Speaker 2>that recently I've been saying to myself, I am so

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<v Speaker 2>grateful for having the courage to walk away from things

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<v Speaker 2>that don't work for me. So that could be work,

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<v Speaker 2>That could be friendships. That could be business deals that

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<v Speaker 2>just crush your soul. That could be confronting a boss

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<v Speaker 2>or not accepting less than what you deserve. That could

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<v Speaker 2>be a relationship where you're just like I am doing

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<v Speaker 2>it's good. It could be very good. Now if it's bad,

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<v Speaker 2>that's not even a discussion. But it could be good

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<v Speaker 2>to very good. But if it doesn't fit feel right

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<v Speaker 2>in your body, you know, when you eat something it

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<v Speaker 2>doesn't agree with you. You may not get violently ill, but

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<v Speaker 2>it doesn't agree with you or you're constantly thinking about it,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, when you're fidgeting in an outfit or it

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<v Speaker 2>just like you don't love it, so you don't live

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<v Speaker 2>for it. Put it the fuck down, take it off

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<v Speaker 2>if you don't. If you're not, like you have to

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<v Speaker 2>like convince yourself and people around you. You know, when

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<v Speaker 2>you put something on you like this is it game

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<v Speaker 2>over story in film at eleven. That's what a relationship

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<v Speaker 2>should be like. And if you're not feeling that now,

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<v Speaker 2>it doesn't mean that you're not going to go through

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<v Speaker 2>issues and work through things, but like it has to

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<v Speaker 2>be coming out.

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<v Speaker 1>Of your pores.

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<v Speaker 2>How right a relationship is for you. You have to

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<v Speaker 2>know from the depths of your being if a relationship

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<v Speaker 2>is right for you, and if it's not, you cannot

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<v Speaker 2>stay because of fear your age, you're too old, you're

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<v Speaker 2>never gonna meet someone, or this person was so great,

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<v Speaker 2>or they treat you so well, or they're rich or

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<v Speaker 2>they're generous, or they're a doctor, or your parents like them,

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<v Speaker 2>or your friends like them, or they fit in, or

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<v Speaker 2>your kids are still home and they're not off at

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<v Speaker 2>college yet, or you have a good friend group and

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<v Speaker 2>it's going to break up.

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<v Speaker 1>The friend group.

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<v Speaker 2>All of these things do not matter. Okay if you

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<v Speaker 2>don't know, yes, it's no, because this is the most

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<v Speaker 2>important part of this. Once you jump, you fly, and

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<v Speaker 2>then you find what you really need. And if you

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<v Speaker 2>are stuck in the wrong thing, you're never gonna find

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<v Speaker 2>the right thing. And not until you find the right

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<v Speaker 2>thing or you're going to say, oh my god, thank

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<v Speaker 2>you so much for having the courage to walk out

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<v Speaker 2>of something that it's harder to walk out of something

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<v Speaker 2>that's like very good because you're almost there. But we

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<v Speaker 2>are winners. We go all the way. We take that

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<v Speaker 2>ball into the end zone. We don't eat average food

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<v Speaker 2>mid we don't go on mid vacations. I'd rather stay

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<v Speaker 2>home and go on a mid or shitty vacation. I'd

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<v Speaker 2>rather stay home than stay in a shitty room. I

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<v Speaker 2>don't want to go somewhere and feel grosser than I

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<v Speaker 2>do at home, Like I want to go somewhere and

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<v Speaker 2>be elevated. I don't want to eat out if it's

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<v Speaker 2>not gonna be better than what I could look at home.

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<v Speaker 2>I don't want that. I don't need to go to

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<v Speaker 2>a hip restaurant with shift food. Do it or don't.

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<v Speaker 2>That's part of what I was saying about my Halloween costume,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, like do it or don't you going to Halloween.

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<v Speaker 1>Let's go to the Hidi Gloon party.

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<v Speaker 2>Let's do it, let's get dressed, let's turn it out,

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<v Speaker 2>let's have fun, and let's go home. Like that's it.

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<v Speaker 2>I don't want to do medium. I don't want mediocre.

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<v Speaker 2>I don't want mid in any category. Not food, not sex,

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<v Speaker 2>not man, not woman, not friend, not job, not travel,

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<v Speaker 2>not experience, not staff, not team around you. We do

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<v Speaker 2>all stars, we do Hall of Fame. We're not like

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<v Speaker 2>that tipsy demere trend. It's like we're not like the

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<v Speaker 2>other girlies. We don't do average. We don't do mid.

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<v Speaker 1>We do elite. We do do it or don't and

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<v Speaker 1>do it well or don't do it at all.

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<v Speaker 2>So that's something that I think is really important in relationships.

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<v Speaker 2>I think we tend to self sabotage in relationships when

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<v Speaker 2>we're really happier, when it's going really well, when we

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<v Speaker 2>get scared. If you ever started dating someone and you

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<v Speaker 2>like them so much that you have anxiety because you're

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<v Speaker 2>like over your skis and you're like having anxiety, you're

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<v Speaker 2>sabotaging that is a dangerous place to be, and that's

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<v Speaker 2>a place when you have to calm down. Take several

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<v Speaker 2>deep breaths. Do not text anything, Do not email anything.

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<v Speaker 2>Write an email to yourself or to the person and

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<v Speaker 2>put it in drafts and just save it.

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<v Speaker 1>Do not send.

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<v Speaker 2>You need to wait six hours before sending because we

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<v Speaker 2>tend to get anxiety and want to blow things up

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<v Speaker 2>because they're too good. Especially if you grow up in

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<v Speaker 2>a fucked up house, especially if you're used to chaos

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<v Speaker 2>us is your norm, it's going to be very hard

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<v Speaker 2>for you to have peace and be happy. There also

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<v Speaker 2>will be situations where you are incapable of being loved.

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<v Speaker 2>You are not porous, you are not open, you're not available,

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<v Speaker 2>and that's a hard thing to access. And also trust yourself,

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<v Speaker 2>because if you're not open and porous and accessible, it

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<v Speaker 2>may be because you're with the wrong person. With the

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<v Speaker 2>right person, you will want to open up with the

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<v Speaker 2>right person. You will want to check yourself because you

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<v Speaker 2>will want to do the work because it's so worth it,

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<v Speaker 2>because the stakes are so high. Like if you meet

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<v Speaker 2>someone that's incredible and you know they are so well

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<v Speaker 2>matched to you and you are so compatible, that's when

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<v Speaker 2>you really have to pull your shit together, and that's

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<v Speaker 2>when you have to check yourself. And that's like when

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<v Speaker 2>you're going to the Olympics, you're preparing for the big race,

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<v Speaker 2>you're preparing for you know, your college entry exams or whatever.

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<v Speaker 2>The most important thing is you are not fucking around.

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<v Speaker 2>You're not making mistakes. You're not you know, getting drunk

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<v Speaker 2>and doing drunk dialing or just like you know, self

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<v Speaker 2>destructing and doing stupid things and saying things.

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<v Speaker 1>You're gonna check yourself before you wreck yourself.

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<v Speaker 2>When you see that something is really good for you

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<v Speaker 2>and could really like change your life, you're not going

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<v Speaker 2>to fuck it up. You are going to collect, get organized,

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<v Speaker 2>be intentional, and do the work. So if something usually

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<v Speaker 2>when something's really good and people are really connected and

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<v Speaker 2>everything's great, that's when they wouldn't do therapy. That's when

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<v Speaker 2>they think they've got it going good. But everything has

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<v Speaker 2>the new car smell and little cracks become craters. And

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<v Speaker 2>when the car has the new car smell, that's when

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<v Speaker 2>you start doing the work. That's when you get the

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<v Speaker 2>self help book. That's when you talk to your partner

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<v Speaker 2>about self help. That's when you check in with your partner.

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<v Speaker 2>That's when you do therapy on yourself and eventually hopefully

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<v Speaker 2>with them. I am not above if I'm really into someone.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm not above early on, if they're on the same page,

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<v Speaker 2>once every couple of months talking to a therapist or

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<v Speaker 2>once a month, because you want to lock the door

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<v Speaker 2>before you get robbed. And there could be different dynamics.

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<v Speaker 2>If you're an adult and you have kids and you're blending,

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<v Speaker 2>that would be a situation where you might want to

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<v Speaker 2>get a professional involved, okay, because that's something that takes

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<v Speaker 2>you know, finessing, and you don't want to do damage

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<v Speaker 2>in the beginning that you can undo. Or if you're

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<v Speaker 2>in a long distance relationship, let's say, and there's certain

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<v Speaker 2>you get in your head and there's a certain you know,

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<v Speaker 2>there are certain tools and a skill set you need

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<v Speaker 2>to navigate. That's a time when you would be proactive

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<v Speaker 2>and intentional. So I think it's important to make an

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<v Speaker 2>effort and be intentional when the stakes are high, and

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<v Speaker 2>you know when they're high, when you're like, wow, this

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<v Speaker 2>could really be it. And I know myself and I

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<v Speaker 2>know my tendencies, and I know my habits, and I

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<v Speaker 2>know my ways and I know that history repeats itself,

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<v Speaker 2>and I know that I start to get anxious attachment

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<v Speaker 2>to someone. I start to get anxiety. I start to

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<v Speaker 2>get in my head. I make up scenarios, I start

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<v Speaker 2>to obsess, I start to fixate. I start to get

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<v Speaker 2>overly knee, I start to get overly distant. I start

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<v Speaker 2>to want to make the other person jealous. I start

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<v Speaker 2>to like when they're jealous. I start to be jealous.

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<v Speaker 2>Whatever your noise is, you have it, and you keep

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<v Speaker 2>doing it over and over. And when you first get

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<v Speaker 2>in the relationship, you don't think you're going to do

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<v Speaker 2>it over and over because it's got the new car smell.

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<v Speaker 2>And then all of a sudden, one day you hit

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<v Speaker 2>a brick wall and you go back to your ways,

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<v Speaker 2>and you convince yourself, and you call your friends and

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<v Speaker 2>your crowdsource because you want all your friends to validate

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<v Speaker 2>and reinforce what you're saying, which is a terrible idea.

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<v Speaker 2>Do not go taking advice from your friends. Take advice

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<v Speaker 2>from professionals. Or you could have a certain friend or

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<v Speaker 2>a colleague or someone that you already know has excellent judgment.

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<v Speaker 2>Doesn't always tell you what you want to hear. Is

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<v Speaker 2>going to tell you the unpopular thing is going to

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<v Speaker 2>be like your local affordable therapist. That's a different model,

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<v Speaker 2>but it's not your friend that every day you just

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<v Speaker 2>call it a complaint and they validate everything you say,

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<v Speaker 2>and they just don't They just want to make you

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<v Speaker 2>feel good, or they just like are someone that allows

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<v Speaker 2>you to hear yourself talk, don't do that. There's a

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<v Speaker 2>lot to navigate, and as we get older, there are

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<v Speaker 2>so many dynamics. So I have a dating theory and

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<v Speaker 2>a relation to theory and a marriage theory, and it

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<v Speaker 2>might help frame things.

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<v Speaker 1>I think that in.

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<v Speaker 2>Partnerships, one partner is a rescue dog. Well, no, that's

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<v Speaker 2>not true. You can have two rescue dogs together. You

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<v Speaker 2>can have two breeder dogs together. But I think that

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<v Speaker 2>people are either a breeder dog or a rescue dog.

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<v Speaker 2>You either grew up in the Drew Barrymore School of parenting,

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<v Speaker 2>which is an extreme, don't get me wrong. And I

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<v Speaker 2>grew up I went to the Drew Barrymore School of Childhood,

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<v Speaker 2>and or you were like in a family that was together,

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<v Speaker 2>and of course every family has its issues. But like

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<v Speaker 2>you have a safe, secure attachment program, you believe that

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<v Speaker 2>people can have a good relationship. You've witnessed good relationships,

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<v Speaker 2>you have some foundation, you are not a mess, and

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<v Speaker 2>you don't like you've seen normal constructs that other people

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<v Speaker 2>have never even witnessed, like for me, seeing like a

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<v Speaker 2>normal relationship in a family environment, a stable relationship, non drama,

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<v Speaker 2>non drugs, non abuse, non alcohol, non psychological abuse, non gambling,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, non underage going to night clubs like just

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<v Speaker 2>I've seen action. I've seen just debauchery. And so for me,

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<v Speaker 2>chaos was the norm. Action was the norm. So being

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<v Speaker 2>in something stable and peaceful, or seeing someone or being

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<v Speaker 2>with someone who's normal and stable and peaceful is strange.

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<v Speaker 2>It's an alien concept. It's like putting something strange into

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<v Speaker 2>your bloodstream that it doesn't that it rejects. So I'm

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<v Speaker 2>like a rescue dog because someone could do something that

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<v Speaker 2>would be normal, and I would see it as a

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<v Speaker 2>fight or flight. I would see it as trauma. Someone

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<v Speaker 2>could not text you back for thirty minutes, and I

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<v Speaker 2>could think the world's coming to an end, where someone

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<v Speaker 2>else would have a normal rational thought that like someone

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<v Speaker 2>might be in, you know, in an appointment, and that's

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<v Speaker 2>just a dumb example. But breeder dogs walk in with

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<v Speaker 2>secure attachment history. They've seen good relationships. They know that

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<v Speaker 2>it's possible. It's not like an island that they see

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<v Speaker 2>that they have no idea how to swim to. They

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<v Speaker 2>have faith in the process. They think they could be

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<v Speaker 2>in love. They know how to treat someone nicely. They

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<v Speaker 2>don't need for there to be action and drama and

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<v Speaker 2>a problem all the time. They aren't deeply anxiety ridden

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<v Speaker 2>in insecure. They could be insecure. They could be jealous,

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<v Speaker 2>but they might not have the same issues and noise.

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<v Speaker 2>And the thing is, if someone identifies what they are

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<v Speaker 2>and shares it with the other person, it can help

0:11:38.240 --> 0:11:41.240
<v Speaker 2>in the relationship because you know when someone's doing something

0:11:41.240 --> 0:11:43.440
<v Speaker 2>it has nothing to do with you. If a breeder

0:11:43.480 --> 0:11:46.360
<v Speaker 2>dog starts shaking like I have a special needs dog smalls,

0:11:46.600 --> 0:11:49.319
<v Speaker 2>he shakes for no reason. He's a rescue. His mom

0:11:49.400 --> 0:11:51.680
<v Speaker 2>is going to be euthanized. He shakes for no reason.

0:11:51.760 --> 0:11:54.480
<v Speaker 2>He's a disaster. He's a mess. He has five nervous

0:11:54.480 --> 0:11:57.280
<v Speaker 2>breakdowns a day. He's scared of water, his own shadow.

0:11:57.280 --> 0:11:59.280
<v Speaker 2>He'll have two nervous breakdowns a day to start shaking

0:11:59.280 --> 0:12:03.480
<v Speaker 2>and panicking. Things happened like he's a fucking wreck. Okay,

0:12:03.760 --> 0:12:05.640
<v Speaker 2>Biggie is just like super well adjusted.

0:12:05.640 --> 0:12:06.679
<v Speaker 1>I could bring him on a plane.

0:12:06.760 --> 0:12:09.480
<v Speaker 2>Small's tongue comes out like one of those frogs that

0:12:09.559 --> 0:12:12.480
<v Speaker 2>has like that tongue that comes out to like get flies. I'm,

0:12:12.800 --> 0:12:15.400
<v Speaker 2>you know, not a mess, but like normal. I tell

0:12:15.440 --> 0:12:18.520
<v Speaker 2>people I'm a squirrel. I don't trust. So you come

0:12:18.559 --> 0:12:19.959
<v Speaker 2>near me and maybe I'll come with you to get

0:12:20.000 --> 0:12:21.200
<v Speaker 2>like some of the food. But you make a little

0:12:21.200 --> 0:12:24.040
<v Speaker 2>weird move. I'm running up that fucking tree. So like

0:12:24.160 --> 0:12:26.320
<v Speaker 2>I'm like a rescue dog. You cannot explain why a

0:12:26.360 --> 0:12:28.400
<v Speaker 2>rescue dog you come near them and they shake and

0:12:28.440 --> 0:12:30.240
<v Speaker 2>they run away, or why they won't let you put

0:12:30.240 --> 0:12:31.440
<v Speaker 2>a leash on her, or they won't let you give

0:12:31.520 --> 0:12:33.400
<v Speaker 2>him a bath, or some weird thing triggers down like

0:12:33.440 --> 0:12:34.319
<v Speaker 2>a treat or something.

0:12:34.559 --> 0:12:35.079
<v Speaker 1>You don't know.

0:12:35.160 --> 0:12:38.080
<v Speaker 2>They're a rescue dog. They've been fucked up. They have

0:12:38.120 --> 0:12:40.920
<v Speaker 2>a fucked up child, a a fucked up past. Someone

0:12:40.960 --> 0:12:44.439
<v Speaker 2>abused them. Someone asks who hurts you? I'm like, where

0:12:44.520 --> 0:12:46.199
<v Speaker 2>do you want? Where do I sign up for?

0:12:46.280 --> 0:12:48.600
<v Speaker 1>Telling you? You want the list who hurt me? Who

0:12:48.600 --> 0:12:49.240
<v Speaker 1>didn't hurt me.

0:12:50.559 --> 0:12:52.079
<v Speaker 2>I've seen my mother get the shit beaten out of

0:12:52.080 --> 0:12:54.520
<v Speaker 2>her with a phone I've seen people do drugs. I've

0:12:54.559 --> 0:12:56.440
<v Speaker 2>had my mother get beaten up and then heard sex

0:12:56.480 --> 0:12:57.360
<v Speaker 2>fifteen minutes later.

0:12:57.720 --> 0:12:58.360
<v Speaker 1>Crazy shit.

0:12:58.400 --> 0:13:00.880
<v Speaker 2>I've been to nightclub since I was thirteen years doing drugs,

0:13:00.920 --> 0:13:03.160
<v Speaker 2>doing everything that's wrong, everything that your kid is not

0:13:03.200 --> 0:13:05.400
<v Speaker 2>supposed to be doing. Taking the train into New York

0:13:05.440 --> 0:13:09.520
<v Speaker 2>City at fourteen years old, getting myself to fourteenth Street,

0:13:09.559 --> 0:13:12.240
<v Speaker 2>to the Palladium, to Area to the tunnel to save

0:13:12.280 --> 0:13:15.080
<v Speaker 2>the robot. Like, none of this is normal. I have

0:13:15.120 --> 0:13:17.760
<v Speaker 2>a fourteen year old in my house, Like what, So

0:13:17.800 --> 0:13:20.520
<v Speaker 2>the thing is, I'm a fucking rescue dog. So to

0:13:20.600 --> 0:13:23.160
<v Speaker 2>communicate with a partner. If I'm in a relationship with

0:13:23.200 --> 0:13:25.400
<v Speaker 2>a breeder dog, I have to let the breeder dog

0:13:25.520 --> 0:13:29.880
<v Speaker 2>know I don't act like a normal person. So understand

0:13:29.920 --> 0:13:32.839
<v Speaker 2>that one of us is going to have to be sane.

0:13:33.080 --> 0:13:34.839
<v Speaker 2>One of us has to be the rock. I'm not

0:13:34.960 --> 0:13:39.359
<v Speaker 2>the rock. I'm the fucking peacock. I'm the star. I'm entertaining,

0:13:39.440 --> 0:13:42.080
<v Speaker 2>I'm hilarious, I'm loyal, I'll be good to you, I'll

0:13:42.120 --> 0:13:44.360
<v Speaker 2>do everything for you. I am the most fun person

0:13:44.440 --> 0:13:46.880
<v Speaker 2>you've ever met. No two days will ever be the same.

0:13:47.200 --> 0:13:50.280
<v Speaker 2>You will have a life of laughter and excitement and

0:13:50.400 --> 0:13:54.040
<v Speaker 2>adventure and joy and fucking ride or die, and loyalty

0:13:54.080 --> 0:13:56.319
<v Speaker 2>and hard work, and you will learn things you never learn.

0:13:56.600 --> 0:13:59.520
<v Speaker 2>No one's ever been more efficient, I don't. No one's

0:13:59.559 --> 0:14:02.840
<v Speaker 2>ever been more like. I am highly functional, I am

0:14:02.880 --> 0:14:05.520
<v Speaker 2>super organized. I can get ten things done.

0:14:05.280 --> 0:14:05.880
<v Speaker 1>To your one.

0:14:05.960 --> 0:14:08.840
<v Speaker 2>I will always be ahead of you, smarter, faster, quicker.

0:14:09.160 --> 0:14:11.960
<v Speaker 2>But I'm a fucking disaster. So you need to know

0:14:12.080 --> 0:14:15.400
<v Speaker 2>that you're gonna have to be the rational saying rock here.

0:14:15.800 --> 0:14:17.760
<v Speaker 2>So do you want that job or don't you? And

0:14:17.960 --> 0:14:20.680
<v Speaker 2>also you have to be interesting, because you can't be

0:14:20.720 --> 0:14:23.400
<v Speaker 2>a fucking boring doormat. That's gonna be the rock. You

0:14:23.440 --> 0:14:27.400
<v Speaker 2>have to be fun and ready to go. So know

0:14:27.520 --> 0:14:30.280
<v Speaker 2>if you're the rescue dog or the breeder dog, communicate

0:14:30.400 --> 0:14:33.000
<v Speaker 2>about it. And two rescue dogs can be together, and

0:14:33.040 --> 0:14:35.160
<v Speaker 2>a rescue dog and a breeder dog can be together.

0:14:35.200 --> 0:14:39.000
<v Speaker 2>But you just have to communicate. It's an important thing.

0:14:39.040 --> 0:14:41.840
<v Speaker 2>And you know who you are. Maybe you're right down

0:14:41.880 --> 0:14:43.800
<v Speaker 2>the middle, Maybe you're a part maybe you're a mixed breed,

0:14:43.840 --> 0:14:45.920
<v Speaker 2>you're part rescue, part reader. I don't think you can

0:14:45.920 --> 0:14:48.320
<v Speaker 2>be part bader, part rescue, but I once did get

0:14:48.360 --> 0:14:52.600
<v Speaker 2>a dog from it. Was like a rescue dog, but

0:14:52.680 --> 0:14:55.400
<v Speaker 2>I got it from like a rescue dog store, so

0:14:55.560 --> 0:14:58.400
<v Speaker 2>it was like safe, but it wasn't a purebred, so

0:14:58.600 --> 0:15:20.560
<v Speaker 2>you decide for yourself. You are welcome, have a great day.