1 00:00:15,276 --> 00:00:22,716 Speaker 1: Pushkin. If you are a person, and I'm guessing you are, 2 00:00:23,316 --> 00:00:25,956 Speaker 1: you have had to tell someone you love a big 3 00:00:25,956 --> 00:00:29,276 Speaker 1: and scary thing at least once. It's part of the 4 00:00:29,316 --> 00:00:32,876 Speaker 1: human condition. Maybe you've had to tell your supportive spouse 5 00:00:32,876 --> 00:00:36,556 Speaker 1: that you've flunked out of med school again. Maybe you 6 00:00:36,636 --> 00:00:38,916 Speaker 1: had to explain to your grandparents why you brought a 7 00:00:38,916 --> 00:00:43,356 Speaker 1: boyfriend and a girlfriend to cousin Gabe's bar mitzvah. Or 8 00:00:43,436 --> 00:00:46,076 Speaker 1: maybe you've had to reveal to Papa that you're in 9 00:00:46,116 --> 00:00:48,996 Speaker 1: an awful mess, but you've made up your mind and 10 00:00:49,076 --> 00:00:55,716 Speaker 1: you're keeping the baby and you don't mean. Maybe we 11 00:00:55,836 --> 00:00:59,276 Speaker 1: reveal these truths to our people because the alternative is 12 00:00:59,396 --> 00:01:03,796 Speaker 1: often way worse, even if you manage to skillfully avoid 13 00:01:03,836 --> 00:01:07,116 Speaker 1: the telling. If you're like me, the secret you're hiding 14 00:01:07,156 --> 00:01:10,276 Speaker 1: will devour you from the inside, and that's no fun 15 00:01:10,316 --> 00:01:13,956 Speaker 1: at all. Because I did not want the gnawing feeling 16 00:01:13,956 --> 00:01:17,316 Speaker 1: of withholding to consume me. It was time to reveal 17 00:01:17,396 --> 00:01:21,556 Speaker 1: my autistic truth to my family a year after my diagnosis, 18 00:01:21,636 --> 00:01:25,116 Speaker 1: but still at least I was doing it or thinking 19 00:01:25,156 --> 00:01:30,836 Speaker 1: about doing it. Now. I like to control for every 20 00:01:30,876 --> 00:01:34,156 Speaker 1: possible outcome when I am telling people things, so I 21 00:01:34,196 --> 00:01:37,916 Speaker 1: couldn't go into the big reveal without some preparation. I 22 00:01:37,996 --> 00:01:40,836 Speaker 1: had to do some practicing first. What am I doing 23 00:01:41,516 --> 00:01:48,436 Speaker 1: role playing? Okay, okay, make up, daddy. I'm with my 24 00:01:48,476 --> 00:01:51,756 Speaker 1: girlfriend Hannah and her son Jacob. We're at a noisy 25 00:01:51,796 --> 00:01:54,276 Speaker 1: food hall pretending to be my family. When I do 26 00:01:54,356 --> 00:01:59,436 Speaker 1: my big autistic reveal, what if I just like say, like, hey, guys, 27 00:01:59,436 --> 00:02:00,676 Speaker 1: I just want to let you know that I was 28 00:02:00,836 --> 00:02:02,956 Speaker 1: a diagnosed with autism a year ago by and I 29 00:02:03,036 --> 00:02:06,836 Speaker 1: leave the room, like I run out of the room. 30 00:02:08,236 --> 00:02:09,796 Speaker 1: What if I just write it on a piece of 31 00:02:09,796 --> 00:02:13,116 Speaker 1: paper and hand it to them. Oh, I do the 32 00:02:13,236 --> 00:02:16,476 Speaker 1: cards from like um love love Actually? I do the 33 00:02:16,476 --> 00:02:22,636 Speaker 1: love actually cards like hey you right now? Like she's 34 00:02:23,916 --> 00:02:30,436 Speaker 1: she's an autour? Oh my god, how our point is? 35 00:02:30,636 --> 00:02:33,796 Speaker 1: How hilarious would that be? Can you imagine? What would 36 00:02:33,796 --> 00:02:40,276 Speaker 1: the first slide? Baby? I wasn't experious. I mean no, 37 00:02:40,396 --> 00:02:42,276 Speaker 1: I know it's but I'm not going to do it 38 00:02:42,316 --> 00:02:45,836 Speaker 1: because it seems like a lot of world. Okay, I 39 00:02:45,916 --> 00:02:48,876 Speaker 1: know this isn't role playing in the classical sense, but 40 00:02:48,996 --> 00:02:53,076 Speaker 1: still working it from all sides, ridiculous or not is helping. 41 00:02:53,436 --> 00:02:57,636 Speaker 1: It just takes the heaviness out of it? What about 42 00:02:57,636 --> 00:03:08,476 Speaker 1: a like a interpretive dance and no altisic dance, So 43 00:03:08,636 --> 00:03:12,676 Speaker 1: no doing interpretive dance. I'm sorry, I don't have any 44 00:03:12,716 --> 00:03:15,116 Speaker 1: realian What if what if I do like a like 45 00:03:15,156 --> 00:03:20,916 Speaker 1: a mind routine like I mind it, or like charades? 46 00:03:21,596 --> 00:03:24,236 Speaker 1: I just don't have any serious answer. No, I know, 47 00:03:24,396 --> 00:03:26,476 Speaker 1: I'm I mean, look, if you don't have any serious answers, 48 00:03:26,476 --> 00:03:30,316 Speaker 1: you don't have any serious answers, because really the only 49 00:03:30,476 --> 00:03:33,876 Speaker 1: serious answer is to be direct and open hearted, even 50 00:03:33,876 --> 00:03:37,356 Speaker 1: though it's scary as hell. My inner therapist would tell 51 00:03:37,396 --> 00:03:40,556 Speaker 1: me to try to understand why telling my family I 52 00:03:40,596 --> 00:03:44,956 Speaker 1: am autistic fills me with dread? What's the worry? And 53 00:03:45,116 --> 00:03:48,596 Speaker 1: how can I honor that anxiety without succumbing to it? 54 00:03:49,196 --> 00:03:51,396 Speaker 1: I mean, I guess part of it is like you 55 00:03:51,436 --> 00:03:54,756 Speaker 1: have to think the best of people, right, Like in 56 00:03:54,876 --> 00:03:58,436 Speaker 1: order to mitigate your own anxiety, you have to kind 57 00:03:58,476 --> 00:04:02,876 Speaker 1: of be like these people are my family, they love 58 00:04:02,916 --> 00:04:06,436 Speaker 1: me in a particular way, and hopefully like whatever I 59 00:04:06,796 --> 00:04:09,636 Speaker 1: talk to them about, I'm not telling them I'm going 60 00:04:09,676 --> 00:04:13,796 Speaker 1: to jail, you know, or I committed a crime. It's 61 00:04:13,836 --> 00:04:16,236 Speaker 1: like there's two ways to go in. One is like 62 00:04:16,436 --> 00:04:19,636 Speaker 1: self protected, like I have to set boundaries and protect 63 00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:23,436 Speaker 1: myself because like, this isn't going to go well. It's 64 00:04:23,476 --> 00:04:25,956 Speaker 1: like if you're telling your vandolphal parents that you're gay 65 00:04:26,076 --> 00:04:28,956 Speaker 1: or like, that's one way to go in, and another 66 00:04:28,956 --> 00:04:33,356 Speaker 1: way to go in is like I like just clean minded, 67 00:04:33,396 --> 00:04:36,116 Speaker 1: like clear minded, and a third way to go in 68 00:04:36,156 --> 00:04:39,076 Speaker 1: would be like expect the best. So that's the spectrum. 69 00:04:40,356 --> 00:04:43,756 Speaker 1: I was really split about this. One voice in my 70 00:04:43,836 --> 00:04:46,076 Speaker 1: head was telling me, just get on with it already, 71 00:04:46,076 --> 00:04:49,116 Speaker 1: you giant baby, tell your family, what's the big deal, 72 00:04:49,876 --> 00:04:52,036 Speaker 1: And the other voice was like, oh, yeah, no, this 73 00:04:52,156 --> 00:04:55,996 Speaker 1: is going to go very badly indeed, And that's reflective 74 00:04:56,036 --> 00:04:59,836 Speaker 1: of our family dynamics. See, my family is a particular 75 00:05:00,116 --> 00:05:03,236 Speaker 1: kind of supportive. If I needed to get out of 76 00:05:03,276 --> 00:05:06,156 Speaker 1: a legal jam, or I wanted help painting my apartment 77 00:05:06,396 --> 00:05:09,876 Speaker 1: or planting my garden, then yeah, they're all about and 78 00:05:09,996 --> 00:05:13,076 Speaker 1: that's not nothing. But we don't all sit around and 79 00:05:13,156 --> 00:05:17,236 Speaker 1: gas bag about our feelings. Emotional problem solving really isn't 80 00:05:17,276 --> 00:05:21,116 Speaker 1: our jam. But if I was going to divulge, it 81 00:05:21,156 --> 00:05:30,396 Speaker 1: was going to have to get emotional. You're listening to 82 00:05:30,436 --> 00:05:33,116 Speaker 1: the loudest girl in the world, who is not that 83 00:05:33,236 --> 00:05:35,356 Speaker 1: granny in line with you at the bakery, telling you 84 00:05:35,396 --> 00:05:38,316 Speaker 1: all about her favorite types of lemon bars. It's me 85 00:05:38,596 --> 00:05:42,036 Speaker 1: Lauren over The Loudest Girl in the World is a 86 00:05:42,076 --> 00:05:45,236 Speaker 1: show about finding yourself broken in a pretty dark place 87 00:05:45,636 --> 00:05:49,716 Speaker 1: and emerging from that place a mostly glued back together person. 88 00:05:54,956 --> 00:05:58,036 Speaker 1: A few weeks before Thanksgiving, my producer writer put an 89 00:05:58,036 --> 00:06:01,676 Speaker 1: event on my calendar for November twenty fifth. The name 90 00:06:01,756 --> 00:06:06,396 Speaker 1: of the event was Shruggy Emoticon upside down question mark 91 00:06:06,676 --> 00:06:11,916 Speaker 1: Lauren comes Out to Family question mark Shruggy Emoticon. I mean, 92 00:06:12,076 --> 00:06:14,556 Speaker 1: Rider puts so much care and thought into the event title, 93 00:06:14,796 --> 00:06:17,876 Speaker 1: how could I back out? At this point I had 94 00:06:17,916 --> 00:06:20,636 Speaker 1: already told Hannah and a handful of friends, and I 95 00:06:20,676 --> 00:06:24,836 Speaker 1: was even many months into making this actual show, and 96 00:06:24,876 --> 00:06:28,396 Speaker 1: I still hadn't told the OBErs. But I had to 97 00:06:29,396 --> 00:06:33,836 Speaker 1: so part of this process, both in the making of 98 00:06:33,876 --> 00:06:38,076 Speaker 1: the podcast and also just irel in your life. Is 99 00:06:38,756 --> 00:06:42,676 Speaker 1: you telling your parents that's Rider audio producer to the Stars. 100 00:06:43,156 --> 00:06:46,596 Speaker 1: How do you feel about that? It feels super scary 101 00:06:46,716 --> 00:06:50,196 Speaker 1: for reasons that I can't quite put my finger on, 102 00:06:50,316 --> 00:06:52,396 Speaker 1: but which maybe you can help me put my finger on. 103 00:06:52,476 --> 00:06:57,596 Speaker 1: It feels m I don't know, it just feels like 104 00:06:58,836 --> 00:07:02,036 Speaker 1: a little bit old to be having a revelation for 105 00:07:02,116 --> 00:07:06,276 Speaker 1: your parents. You know, Well, that's just ages towards me. 106 00:07:06,596 --> 00:07:10,516 Speaker 1: There's no right age to come out about anything but 107 00:07:10,636 --> 00:07:13,796 Speaker 1: real talk. I'm just not good at having hard conversations 108 00:07:13,836 --> 00:07:17,156 Speaker 1: about me, which Rider knows because she's heard me have 109 00:07:17,236 --> 00:07:20,916 Speaker 1: a million of them, each one more embarrassing than the next. 110 00:07:21,476 --> 00:07:24,636 Speaker 1: That's one sort of hallmark for me is that, like 111 00:07:24,876 --> 00:07:26,756 Speaker 1: it's a lot of like I'm telling you a thing, 112 00:07:26,796 --> 00:07:30,796 Speaker 1: but I'm not actually inviting any questions, and you want 113 00:07:30,836 --> 00:07:35,356 Speaker 1: something different. Wow, I feel like I don't know. I mean, 114 00:07:35,436 --> 00:07:38,196 Speaker 1: my gut feels like I just want to like tell 115 00:07:38,236 --> 00:07:41,716 Speaker 1: them and then like run away. You know. I think 116 00:07:41,756 --> 00:07:44,716 Speaker 1: it's because I worry about the judgment that I don't 117 00:07:44,756 --> 00:07:46,676 Speaker 1: want to have to face the judgment. Like I want 118 00:07:46,676 --> 00:07:49,436 Speaker 1: to tell you the thing, but I don't want to 119 00:07:49,436 --> 00:07:52,276 Speaker 1: be judged for it, and then I it's like too 120 00:07:52,356 --> 00:07:57,316 Speaker 1: vulnerable to engage with it. What kind of judgments do 121 00:07:57,356 --> 00:08:02,196 Speaker 1: you think might come up? I guess I worry that 122 00:08:02,236 --> 00:08:05,196 Speaker 1: they'd be like what are you talking about? You know, 123 00:08:05,356 --> 00:08:08,716 Speaker 1: the same as I've had for other people, you know, 124 00:08:09,276 --> 00:08:13,276 Speaker 1: sort of No, You're not like you're fine, You have 125 00:08:13,316 --> 00:08:16,716 Speaker 1: a job. This that all of the things that people 126 00:08:16,756 --> 00:08:22,716 Speaker 1: with a subtle autism presentation experience, you know, like when 127 00:08:22,756 --> 00:08:27,236 Speaker 1: you tell people something like that, it's not just yours anymore. 128 00:08:28,076 --> 00:08:35,556 Speaker 1: It becomes the other person's story or a bit of information, 129 00:08:35,676 --> 00:08:37,876 Speaker 1: and they get to decide what they want to do 130 00:08:37,996 --> 00:08:41,836 Speaker 1: with that, and if they want to ignore it, they can, 131 00:08:42,396 --> 00:08:45,036 Speaker 1: if they want to engage with it in a positive way, 132 00:08:45,116 --> 00:08:48,116 Speaker 1: like there are lots of choices that people have when 133 00:08:48,556 --> 00:08:51,796 Speaker 1: somebody tells them something, And so I think part of 134 00:08:51,796 --> 00:08:57,956 Speaker 1: it for me is that there's too much that I 135 00:08:57,996 --> 00:09:03,076 Speaker 1: can't anticipate, Like I have massive anticipatory anxiety even just 136 00:09:03,196 --> 00:09:06,516 Speaker 1: talking about this, in thinking about the prospect of it, 137 00:09:06,996 --> 00:09:10,676 Speaker 1: even though you're making me do it, it's like very 138 00:09:10,676 --> 00:09:15,956 Speaker 1: stressful to think about. Writer is making me do it, 139 00:09:16,156 --> 00:09:18,076 Speaker 1: and I will hold it against her for the rest 140 00:09:18,156 --> 00:09:21,356 Speaker 1: of my days. But also I am a person with 141 00:09:21,476 --> 00:09:25,836 Speaker 1: agency and this is important for me to do. Writer 142 00:09:25,956 --> 00:09:28,516 Speaker 1: and I agreed that the day after Thanksgiving I would 143 00:09:28,516 --> 00:09:32,756 Speaker 1: have some chat skis with Kathy Russ and rj aka mom, 144 00:09:32,836 --> 00:09:35,636 Speaker 1: dad and brother. So much for me bum rushing the 145 00:09:35,676 --> 00:09:38,836 Speaker 1: best buy on Black Friday. I would instead be telling 146 00:09:38,876 --> 00:09:43,356 Speaker 1: my family a hard thing. Thanks writer. I emailed the 147 00:09:43,396 --> 00:09:45,796 Speaker 1: family and told them I had something I wanted to 148 00:09:45,796 --> 00:09:48,516 Speaker 1: tell them about. I let them know that the topic 149 00:09:48,676 --> 00:09:51,516 Speaker 1: was a sensitive one for me. That's what my buddy 150 00:09:51,596 --> 00:09:54,156 Speaker 1: and a sale author of the book Let's Talk About 151 00:09:54,276 --> 00:09:58,636 Speaker 1: Hard Things, told me to do. Christ Almighty. Just writing 152 00:09:58,676 --> 00:10:01,876 Speaker 1: that little email out was hard. Now I actually have 153 00:10:01,916 --> 00:10:04,476 Speaker 1: to go through with telling them the hard thing. It 154 00:10:04,476 --> 00:10:06,756 Speaker 1: would have been better if they had all declined because 155 00:10:06,796 --> 00:10:10,436 Speaker 1: they were busy perming their hair or organizing their paperweight 156 00:10:10,476 --> 00:10:14,756 Speaker 1: collection or something. But everyone agreed to stick around after dinner, 157 00:10:14,956 --> 00:10:18,556 Speaker 1: so I had to go through with it, or did I. 158 00:10:21,636 --> 00:10:24,236 Speaker 1: A few days before Thanksgiving, I called up my pal 159 00:10:24,316 --> 00:10:26,836 Speaker 1: Becca and hopes that she might be able to ease 160 00:10:26,916 --> 00:10:30,756 Speaker 1: my nerves around the whole situation. Becca's my ex partner, 161 00:10:30,796 --> 00:10:33,476 Speaker 1: and yes we're still great friends. And yes, I know 162 00:10:33,596 --> 00:10:39,556 Speaker 1: that's a lesbian stereotype. Big whoop. I I'm making a 163 00:10:41,716 --> 00:10:46,516 Speaker 1: like a red lunt hole happening Special is quite flavorful 164 00:10:46,556 --> 00:10:49,516 Speaker 1: and it's it's very super season right now. It's very 165 00:10:49,636 --> 00:10:54,796 Speaker 1: like like I like blah, everything is terrible. I've been 166 00:10:54,836 --> 00:10:58,316 Speaker 1: feeling really bad about the weather turning and endless COVID 167 00:10:58,476 --> 00:11:01,516 Speaker 1: and how hard. This journey of reckoning had been and 168 00:11:01,676 --> 00:11:04,116 Speaker 1: I was being a real eore off his meds about it. 169 00:11:04,596 --> 00:11:07,236 Speaker 1: But Becca knew the right thing to say. If you 170 00:11:07,316 --> 00:11:09,996 Speaker 1: go and you come out to your paris, it's hard, 171 00:11:10,196 --> 00:11:13,476 Speaker 1: and it will probably be hard or the reactions and 172 00:11:13,516 --> 00:11:16,556 Speaker 1: I can feel good. You can just call me well, 173 00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:20,956 Speaker 1: I really appreciate it. I mean I will. So I 174 00:11:21,036 --> 00:11:23,676 Speaker 1: had a plan. I emailed my family to let them 175 00:11:23,716 --> 00:11:26,276 Speaker 1: know I wanted to have a conversation with them. My 176 00:11:26,356 --> 00:11:30,076 Speaker 1: autism support human slash girlfriend Hannah was down to be 177 00:11:30,116 --> 00:11:33,676 Speaker 1: there with me, and Becca offered her emotional phone of 178 00:11:33,716 --> 00:11:36,716 Speaker 1: friends support. So I was well on my way to 179 00:11:36,836 --> 00:11:39,676 Speaker 1: gathering up all my courage and stealing myself for the 180 00:11:39,716 --> 00:11:43,676 Speaker 1: great autism reveal of twenty twenty one. But then I 181 00:11:43,756 --> 00:11:48,996 Speaker 1: had a very intense setback. I fully melted down. The 182 00:11:49,116 --> 00:11:53,796 Speaker 1: bad feelings really dug in on this one. It happened 183 00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:56,356 Speaker 1: the day before Hannah and I drove to Pittsburgh for 184 00:11:56,356 --> 00:11:59,756 Speaker 1: the holiday. I was racing to finish a work project 185 00:11:59,796 --> 00:12:02,996 Speaker 1: and feeling generally overwhelmed by the prospect of heading out 186 00:12:02,996 --> 00:12:06,276 Speaker 1: of town. Because nothing grinds my gear is quite like 187 00:12:06,276 --> 00:12:10,116 Speaker 1: a highway rest stop before a holiday Also, I remember 188 00:12:10,276 --> 00:12:14,716 Speaker 1: that it was exactly one year since my diagnosis. Naturally, 189 00:12:14,996 --> 00:12:18,316 Speaker 1: I had some feelings about that. So we had all 190 00:12:18,396 --> 00:12:22,756 Speaker 1: the ingredients for a deluxe sized meltdown. Because I've gotten 191 00:12:22,796 --> 00:12:26,116 Speaker 1: into the habit of documenting myself being a SADO, I 192 00:12:26,196 --> 00:12:31,356 Speaker 1: pulled out my phone and hit record today is the 193 00:12:33,036 --> 00:12:39,116 Speaker 1: diagnosis adversary in one year since I got my results back? 194 00:12:39,196 --> 00:12:43,876 Speaker 1: And this is not this state that I wanted to 195 00:12:43,916 --> 00:12:48,876 Speaker 1: be in when you know, a year later, still trying 196 00:12:48,876 --> 00:12:52,076 Speaker 1: to figure out how the process isn't even how to 197 00:12:52,196 --> 00:12:55,156 Speaker 1: like tell my family, and I think I have to 198 00:12:55,756 --> 00:13:00,556 Speaker 1: abort the mission because I don't think it's wise in 199 00:13:00,676 --> 00:13:04,836 Speaker 1: this time to try to shoe or something like that 200 00:13:04,996 --> 00:13:08,956 Speaker 1: in at a very at a time that's already going 201 00:13:08,956 --> 00:13:15,956 Speaker 1: to be quite stressful for everyone. I really felt like 202 00:13:16,036 --> 00:13:19,116 Speaker 1: I needed to pack it in. This was not my time. 203 00:13:19,716 --> 00:13:22,436 Speaker 1: My brother and sister in law were traveling to Pittsburgh 204 00:13:22,436 --> 00:13:24,476 Speaker 1: for the first time with my two year old nephew, 205 00:13:24,836 --> 00:13:27,996 Speaker 1: and my mom had just gotten a puppy, so three 206 00:13:28,076 --> 00:13:32,636 Speaker 1: quarters of my family was already preloaded for maximal anxiety. 207 00:13:33,356 --> 00:13:35,716 Speaker 1: Even if it wasn't a holiday, it was already a 208 00:13:35,756 --> 00:13:40,036 Speaker 1: powder keg just waiting for a spark. I texted Rider 209 00:13:40,156 --> 00:13:42,556 Speaker 1: and told her I couldn't go through with it. It 210 00:13:42,636 --> 00:13:45,236 Speaker 1: was just too much to tell my family on mass 211 00:13:45,836 --> 00:13:48,156 Speaker 1: I would rather eat a barrel of a rugolo with 212 00:13:48,196 --> 00:13:51,796 Speaker 1: a chaser of capers than sit mom, dad, and little 213 00:13:51,796 --> 00:13:55,236 Speaker 1: brother down to tell them this. I could maybe handle 214 00:13:55,236 --> 00:13:58,036 Speaker 1: it if I did it one by one, but not 215 00:13:58,116 --> 00:14:00,916 Speaker 1: all in a group, No way. My stress level was 216 00:14:00,996 --> 00:14:05,596 Speaker 1: at an eleven just considering the proposition. Rider wrote back 217 00:14:05,636 --> 00:14:07,716 Speaker 1: that it was no big deal and I should take 218 00:14:07,756 --> 00:14:11,236 Speaker 1: my time with it. Girlfriend Hannah, on the other hand, 219 00:14:11,476 --> 00:14:14,396 Speaker 1: was not going to let me off the hook. She 220 00:14:14,556 --> 00:14:17,876 Speaker 1: was like, don't be a weansickle, you're doing it. I mean, 221 00:14:18,236 --> 00:14:20,436 Speaker 1: sometimes you just need a person to push you out 222 00:14:20,436 --> 00:14:22,796 Speaker 1: of an airplane when you're skydiving for the first time. 223 00:14:23,516 --> 00:14:29,196 Speaker 1: Hannah is that person. So after the break, I free 224 00:14:29,236 --> 00:14:32,916 Speaker 1: fall into the Great Autism Reveal of twenty twenty one 225 00:14:33,076 --> 00:14:47,596 Speaker 1: and it goes, well, you'll see, I have never cared 226 00:14:47,676 --> 00:14:52,756 Speaker 1: much for holidays. They're always too unpredictable, too unwieldy, too sad, 227 00:14:52,796 --> 00:14:56,636 Speaker 1: too prescribed, just too much and they always kick up 228 00:14:56,636 --> 00:14:59,956 Speaker 1: a huge cloud of anxiety for me. So right off 229 00:14:59,956 --> 00:15:03,316 Speaker 1: the bat, Thanksgiving isn't my favorite day, and not just 230 00:15:03,396 --> 00:15:08,356 Speaker 1: because of its genocidal origin story. Also, Thanksgiving is an 231 00:15:08,356 --> 00:15:12,916 Speaker 1: eating holiday, and eating is not one of my favorite hobbies. Also, 232 00:15:12,996 --> 00:15:16,876 Speaker 1: I'm a vegetarian, so turkey, stuffing and gravy will never 233 00:15:16,996 --> 00:15:20,556 Speaker 1: touch my plate. One of the only things I actually 234 00:15:20,676 --> 00:15:24,556 Speaker 1: like about this particular holiday is the jellied cranberry sauce 235 00:15:24,556 --> 00:15:26,676 Speaker 1: in a can that no one else in my family 236 00:15:26,716 --> 00:15:31,276 Speaker 1: will eat but me. Also, green beans. I love green beans. 237 00:15:31,436 --> 00:15:38,356 Speaker 1: I really enjoyed beans, like green beans, Like that makes 238 00:15:38,396 --> 00:15:40,716 Speaker 1: amazing green beans. I really like to use green beans. 239 00:15:40,916 --> 00:15:43,556 Speaker 1: That is the one thing my children lively eat for 240 00:15:43,676 --> 00:15:46,436 Speaker 1: their tire. I think they're one of the best. To me, 241 00:15:46,516 --> 00:15:49,716 Speaker 1: they're the best. But makes these crispy green beans with 242 00:15:49,756 --> 00:15:52,436 Speaker 1: like a dijon. What is the sauce? I think we 243 00:15:52,556 --> 00:15:55,396 Speaker 1: have all your ten thousand times. Yeah, we have it 244 00:15:55,476 --> 00:15:59,676 Speaker 1: at your house. Oh yeah right. And if that isn't 245 00:15:59,756 --> 00:16:03,716 Speaker 1: riveting dinner conversation fair, I don't know what is. Other 246 00:16:03,796 --> 00:16:08,556 Speaker 1: dinner table topics included my nephews daycare. We pay extra 247 00:16:08,636 --> 00:16:14,676 Speaker 1: for him. Best, that's cute. The provenance of Hannah's rugs 248 00:16:14,716 --> 00:16:17,156 Speaker 1: and a jacket Hannah and I saw on a visit 249 00:16:17,196 --> 00:16:19,796 Speaker 1: to Marshals earlier in the day. The color was like 250 00:16:19,916 --> 00:16:23,596 Speaker 1: a mauve puce. Was not attractive. It was like a 251 00:16:23,716 --> 00:16:26,876 Speaker 1: fancy brick. We also chatted briefly about the foods my 252 00:16:26,956 --> 00:16:30,156 Speaker 1: mother cannot stand now, what about eggplant which seems also 253 00:16:30,276 --> 00:16:38,316 Speaker 1: similarly Oh that and sweet potatoes. Yeah, they're the things 254 00:16:38,316 --> 00:16:41,356 Speaker 1: that really grabbed me at ps Cathy's fibbing big time. 255 00:16:41,596 --> 00:16:44,676 Speaker 1: Her list of off limits foods includes basically all dishes 256 00:16:44,676 --> 00:16:48,236 Speaker 1: flavored with curry powder, humin, and cardamom, and anything with 257 00:16:48,276 --> 00:16:51,796 Speaker 1: a whiff of watermelon. Anyway, I was glad for all 258 00:16:51,796 --> 00:16:55,156 Speaker 1: this Thanksgiving small talk. It helped distract me from the 259 00:16:55,196 --> 00:16:59,196 Speaker 1: anxiety fog that was rapidly descending on me. But at 260 00:16:59,236 --> 00:17:01,316 Speaker 1: some point the meal had to end and I just 261 00:17:01,396 --> 00:17:04,636 Speaker 1: had to get on with it. So after a delicious 262 00:17:04,636 --> 00:17:07,316 Speaker 1: dessert of cranberry sauce from a can for me and 263 00:17:07,676 --> 00:17:11,476 Speaker 1: homemade pumpkin pie for everyone else, we cleaned up the dinner, 264 00:17:11,636 --> 00:17:14,836 Speaker 1: sent my nephew to bed, and reconvened around the table. 265 00:17:15,436 --> 00:17:23,836 Speaker 1: And then it was time. It was just my dad Russ, 266 00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:27,716 Speaker 1: my mom, Kathy, and my brother RJ. No in laws, 267 00:17:27,836 --> 00:17:30,996 Speaker 1: no step parents, and of course Hannah was there doing 268 00:17:30,996 --> 00:17:35,036 Speaker 1: her best Autismo junior stand in routine. Oh how I 269 00:17:35,116 --> 00:17:39,156 Speaker 1: long for autism pleasant Phil. In this moment, we were 270 00:17:39,196 --> 00:17:42,716 Speaker 1: all sitting around my mom's tiger maple dining room table, 271 00:17:43,276 --> 00:17:46,236 Speaker 1: Hannah to my right, Russ Catty corner to my left, 272 00:17:46,796 --> 00:17:50,476 Speaker 1: Mom and brother directly across from me. My two recorders 273 00:17:50,516 --> 00:17:55,556 Speaker 1: were like table center pieces, awkwardly perched between us. Russ 274 00:17:55,716 --> 00:17:58,356 Speaker 1: is a lawyer, so he couldn't help but look like 275 00:17:58,436 --> 00:18:02,436 Speaker 1: he was primed to rebut opposing counsel's arguments. R J 276 00:18:02,676 --> 00:18:04,996 Speaker 1: is a cool guy, so he was leaning back in 277 00:18:05,076 --> 00:18:08,956 Speaker 1: his chair enjoying a beer. Kathy, the quiet one, sat 278 00:18:09,116 --> 00:18:12,196 Speaker 1: neatly with her hands folded in her lap. The mood 279 00:18:12,356 --> 00:18:17,596 Speaker 1: was one of curious amusement. I started the conversation off 280 00:18:17,596 --> 00:18:20,876 Speaker 1: in a way that Anna's sale I'm pretty sure would 281 00:18:20,996 --> 00:18:25,116 Speaker 1: not have endorsed, with a lazy, half hearted joke. I 282 00:18:25,196 --> 00:18:28,756 Speaker 1: feel like very nervous about this, and I feel like, like, 283 00:18:29,636 --> 00:18:32,076 Speaker 1: you know, it's this is like a hard thing to 284 00:18:32,076 --> 00:18:35,436 Speaker 1: talk about for me, and I just wanted to let 285 00:18:35,476 --> 00:18:40,316 Speaker 1: you guys know that I'm gay. You know, I'm for 286 00:18:40,516 --> 00:18:46,276 Speaker 1: quite a while just sea, yeah, somebody kill me now. 287 00:18:46,676 --> 00:18:50,036 Speaker 1: So so basically, like I had been feeling for a 288 00:18:50,036 --> 00:18:55,596 Speaker 1: long time, like like something like was off, like mental 289 00:18:55,636 --> 00:19:00,196 Speaker 1: health wise, or it wasn't quite like just was overly sensitive, 290 00:19:00,356 --> 00:19:05,596 Speaker 1: or lots of things about like just not like flowing right. 291 00:19:05,876 --> 00:19:08,116 Speaker 1: And then you know, I would talk to my therapist 292 00:19:08,156 --> 00:19:13,836 Speaker 1: about it, and and you know, it didn't like didn't 293 00:19:13,836 --> 00:19:18,676 Speaker 1: seem anything, you know, like diagnosed for or whatever. And 294 00:19:18,716 --> 00:19:23,036 Speaker 1: then and then when the pandemic happened, I kind of 295 00:19:23,116 --> 00:19:26,476 Speaker 1: like lost my shit. I mean, you know how the 296 00:19:26,556 --> 00:19:29,516 Speaker 1: spiel goes. You've heard it before, and at this point, 297 00:19:29,556 --> 00:19:32,876 Speaker 1: I've repeated it a bunch of times. I should have 298 00:19:32,916 --> 00:19:36,196 Speaker 1: been sort of on autopilot, but I wasn't. I was 299 00:19:36,276 --> 00:19:40,756 Speaker 1: passing through every word so so carefully, trying to be 300 00:19:40,796 --> 00:19:43,836 Speaker 1: as specific as possible. I didn't want there to be 301 00:19:43,916 --> 00:19:47,956 Speaker 1: any confusion about what I was saying. Listening back to 302 00:19:47,996 --> 00:19:51,076 Speaker 1: the tape, I realized I don't fully remember this moment. 303 00:19:51,716 --> 00:19:54,676 Speaker 1: At some point in the telling, I think I just dissociated, 304 00:19:55,156 --> 00:19:58,796 Speaker 1: not clinically, just that my words were trying to thread 305 00:19:58,836 --> 00:20:02,036 Speaker 1: the finest of needles while my brain was sizzling in 306 00:20:02,076 --> 00:20:05,596 Speaker 1: my skull. I couldn't make eye contact, though that's no 307 00:20:05,676 --> 00:20:08,876 Speaker 1: big surprise. I just kept looking at this weird print 308 00:20:08,916 --> 00:20:12,036 Speaker 1: of a crow wearing boots that Kathy had hanging over 309 00:20:12,076 --> 00:20:15,676 Speaker 1: her mantle on the recording. I noticed my voice is 310 00:20:15,996 --> 00:20:24,036 Speaker 1: uncharacteristically thin and shaky, and so I ended up going 311 00:20:24,076 --> 00:20:32,956 Speaker 1: to a psychologist and taking a number of tests for autism, 312 00:20:33,036 --> 00:20:40,276 Speaker 1: and and I have an autism diagnosis. Oh man, I 313 00:20:40,356 --> 00:20:44,676 Speaker 1: did it. I revealed my hard thing, And so I 314 00:20:44,676 --> 00:20:48,236 Speaker 1: wanted to tell you guys about that, because obviously you're 315 00:20:48,316 --> 00:20:50,636 Speaker 1: my family and I love you, and I've been trying 316 00:20:50,676 --> 00:20:53,876 Speaker 1: to figure out how to navigate like the next forty 317 00:20:53,916 --> 00:20:58,116 Speaker 1: three years of my life. Knowing that the troubles that 318 00:20:58,156 --> 00:21:02,036 Speaker 1: I was having and the things that are difficult, a 319 00:21:02,076 --> 00:21:06,396 Speaker 1: lot of them can be chopped up to this diagnosis. 320 00:21:07,356 --> 00:21:10,116 Speaker 1: In retrospect, this would have been in a great moment 321 00:21:10,196 --> 00:21:13,156 Speaker 1: for me to pause and wait for a response, but 322 00:21:13,276 --> 00:21:17,036 Speaker 1: that's not what happened. I kept going. I was basically 323 00:21:17,156 --> 00:21:20,676 Speaker 1: like a human Wikipedia page for autism. I told them 324 00:21:20,716 --> 00:21:24,356 Speaker 1: everything I knew about the condition, about cultural tropes and 325 00:21:24,436 --> 00:21:27,956 Speaker 1: the underdiagnosis of girls and women, and the mental health 326 00:21:28,076 --> 00:21:31,956 Speaker 1: challenges that can go hand in hand with autism. Then, 327 00:21:32,076 --> 00:21:36,116 Speaker 1: after talking at them for eleven straight minutes, also not 328 00:21:36,236 --> 00:21:39,476 Speaker 1: something in a sale would endorse. I waited for someone 329 00:21:39,516 --> 00:21:43,756 Speaker 1: to respond. Finally, my mom, Cathy, tapped in, well, I 330 00:21:43,796 --> 00:21:46,556 Speaker 1: think it's very brave if you just to talk about it. 331 00:21:46,556 --> 00:21:50,676 Speaker 1: I see that it's very painful for you to go 332 00:21:50,756 --> 00:21:54,196 Speaker 1: through this and to talk to your family about really 333 00:21:54,196 --> 00:21:59,796 Speaker 1: get that, and it makes me sad too, And personally, 334 00:21:59,916 --> 00:22:04,756 Speaker 1: I really don't know much about autism or aspergers. I 335 00:22:04,796 --> 00:22:10,716 Speaker 1: really don't think I know anyone other than Jacob, and 336 00:22:11,956 --> 00:22:15,516 Speaker 1: so I don't have any basis to make a comment 337 00:22:16,196 --> 00:22:23,276 Speaker 1: on how you fit in to that diagnosis or that 338 00:22:23,356 --> 00:22:28,116 Speaker 1: I understand it because I don't. Yeah, don't. Listening to 339 00:22:28,196 --> 00:22:30,756 Speaker 1: this months later, I don't know so much that it's 340 00:22:30,876 --> 00:22:35,116 Speaker 1: brave to tell my family I'm autistic. Sure it's scary, 341 00:22:35,276 --> 00:22:38,676 Speaker 1: and sure there are steaks. But more than anything, the 342 00:22:38,796 --> 00:22:43,036 Speaker 1: reveal seems post brave. I don't even really seem to 343 00:22:43,076 --> 00:22:47,556 Speaker 1: have that much control over it. The reveal felt imperative, 344 00:22:48,116 --> 00:22:50,796 Speaker 1: as if I was compelled by a force larger than 345 00:22:50,836 --> 00:22:54,076 Speaker 1: myself that I cannot see or name to show the 346 00:22:54,156 --> 00:22:57,476 Speaker 1: full measure of my humanity to the people who raised me. 347 00:22:58,396 --> 00:23:01,396 Speaker 1: In that way, the revelation feels every bit as critical 348 00:23:01,436 --> 00:23:07,476 Speaker 1: as breathing air or drinking water, but exponentially more terrifying 349 00:23:08,236 --> 00:23:11,836 Speaker 1: because you're asking to be seen, and how many of 350 00:23:11,916 --> 00:23:17,076 Speaker 1: us truly feel seen. Luckily, right off the bat, Kathy 351 00:23:17,196 --> 00:23:20,756 Speaker 1: seemed to at least try to see. I mean, some 352 00:23:20,796 --> 00:23:25,836 Speaker 1: of the things that you were saying, I really I 353 00:23:25,876 --> 00:23:30,076 Speaker 1: agree with I see. I see your sensitivity to noise, 354 00:23:30,156 --> 00:23:33,436 Speaker 1: and I see your sensitivity to smells and textures. You 355 00:23:33,596 --> 00:23:38,356 Speaker 1: always have had that for me. I always was aware 356 00:23:38,396 --> 00:23:41,236 Speaker 1: that there was some issue. I didn't have a name 357 00:23:41,316 --> 00:23:45,076 Speaker 1: for it. I didn't understand it. I knew you were struggling, yeah, 358 00:23:46,956 --> 00:23:50,516 Speaker 1: and I had no idea that it was part of 359 00:23:52,036 --> 00:23:58,636 Speaker 1: an autism issue. I didn't have the knowledge to to 360 00:23:58,836 --> 00:24:01,556 Speaker 1: know what it might be, or to even think to 361 00:24:02,596 --> 00:24:05,596 Speaker 1: take you for testing. I mean, I just it wasn't 362 00:24:05,596 --> 00:24:09,596 Speaker 1: a thing we did. Nobody would have backed that. Little 363 00:24:09,636 --> 00:24:12,876 Speaker 1: girls like me didn't register as kids who needed support 364 00:24:12,996 --> 00:24:17,156 Speaker 1: or accommodations. So I can hardly blame my parents for 365 00:24:17,276 --> 00:24:20,636 Speaker 1: not getting me help, because what help was there to get. 366 00:24:21,876 --> 00:24:24,276 Speaker 1: I don't really remember how I felt when my mom 367 00:24:24,356 --> 00:24:28,836 Speaker 1: said these words because dissociation, but hearing them now, I 368 00:24:28,876 --> 00:24:32,636 Speaker 1: feel heartened. I appreciate that in the moment Kathy could 369 00:24:32,716 --> 00:24:35,996 Speaker 1: mirror at least some of my challenges. It meant that 370 00:24:36,036 --> 00:24:38,476 Speaker 1: she was at least trying to engage with what I 371 00:24:38,556 --> 00:24:42,716 Speaker 1: was ham handedly telling them. I continued explaining to my 372 00:24:42,756 --> 00:24:45,076 Speaker 1: family the ins and outs of autism and the way 373 00:24:45,116 --> 00:24:48,236 Speaker 1: my movement through the world was so much different than theirs, 374 00:24:48,556 --> 00:24:52,516 Speaker 1: Like the sensitivity goes way beyond and it's like I've 375 00:24:52,596 --> 00:24:57,316 Speaker 1: learned that a lot of my anger and sort of 376 00:24:57,356 --> 00:25:00,636 Speaker 1: aggression or hostility, how will we come from both the 377 00:25:01,156 --> 00:25:04,796 Speaker 1: anxiety of having so many feelings and not an understanding 378 00:25:04,796 --> 00:25:07,356 Speaker 1: and how to express them. But also there's a thing 379 00:25:07,396 --> 00:25:13,236 Speaker 1: that particularly women who are autistic too, It's like you're 380 00:25:13,356 --> 00:25:15,996 Speaker 1: trying so hard to do all of the right things. 381 00:25:16,076 --> 00:25:19,436 Speaker 1: You're trying hard to communicate in the way that everybody 382 00:25:19,436 --> 00:25:21,396 Speaker 1: else says, and you're trying hard to fix your body 383 00:25:21,396 --> 00:25:23,156 Speaker 1: in your face, and all of these things. You're thinking 384 00:25:23,156 --> 00:25:26,156 Speaker 1: about them all the time, and then it is absolutely 385 00:25:26,236 --> 00:25:29,916 Speaker 1: exhausting and you're just laid out. At this point, I 386 00:25:29,956 --> 00:25:32,876 Speaker 1: was sweating through my pants and trying desperately to sit 387 00:25:32,916 --> 00:25:35,316 Speaker 1: still and not rock back and forth while the three 388 00:25:35,356 --> 00:25:38,636 Speaker 1: of them stared back at me. My dad Ross is 389 00:25:38,676 --> 00:25:42,716 Speaker 1: the scariest star in the history of staring. He's a 390 00:25:42,716 --> 00:25:46,276 Speaker 1: trial lawyer and a former prosecutor, and I'm pretty sure 391 00:25:46,356 --> 00:25:48,716 Speaker 1: he could stare me into an admission of guilt for 392 00:25:48,796 --> 00:25:53,276 Speaker 1: a crime I most assuredly did not commit. So just 393 00:25:53,436 --> 00:25:55,956 Speaker 1: picture a man boring his eyeballs into the back of 394 00:25:55,956 --> 00:25:59,076 Speaker 1: your brain when you hear this. So, now that you've 395 00:25:59,116 --> 00:26:02,916 Speaker 1: revealed this to us, how would you like this will 396 00:26:02,956 --> 00:26:07,796 Speaker 1: treat you differently from the way we've treated you as well. 397 00:26:07,836 --> 00:26:12,996 Speaker 1: I don't think it's differently. I appreciate the question. I mean, 398 00:26:13,396 --> 00:26:16,796 Speaker 1: I think it's more just like an understanding of like 399 00:26:17,556 --> 00:26:19,596 Speaker 1: how I moved through the world and how I have 400 00:26:19,796 --> 00:26:22,476 Speaker 1: moved through the world for the last like forty three years, 401 00:26:23,716 --> 00:26:27,196 Speaker 1: which is that, like things have been very hard, and 402 00:26:27,796 --> 00:26:30,436 Speaker 1: you know, I've had a real jagged work history, and 403 00:26:30,436 --> 00:26:33,316 Speaker 1: and I'm not saying it's because of that necessarily, but like, 404 00:26:34,596 --> 00:26:36,836 Speaker 1: you know, even though like I work hard, and I 405 00:26:36,876 --> 00:26:39,556 Speaker 1: work hard, and I work hard, like I often feel 406 00:26:39,596 --> 00:26:42,036 Speaker 1: like I'm being in my head against a wall, and 407 00:26:42,076 --> 00:26:46,676 Speaker 1: I've you know, I've had some really bad dark times 408 00:26:46,716 --> 00:26:53,196 Speaker 1: around that, and so just sort of knowing like, yeah, 409 00:26:53,236 --> 00:26:55,036 Speaker 1: like I have a little bit of a different neurology 410 00:26:55,356 --> 00:27:01,316 Speaker 1: and doesn't require like anybody to do anything or just 411 00:27:01,396 --> 00:27:08,236 Speaker 1: like just an understanding. I think as we continued, I 412 00:27:08,476 --> 00:27:11,116 Speaker 1: started to feel like they got it, or at least 413 00:27:11,196 --> 00:27:14,556 Speaker 1: we were scratching the surface. Rush asked me about my 414 00:27:14,596 --> 00:27:17,716 Speaker 1: coping strategies and workplaces, and I told him how I'd 415 00:27:17,716 --> 00:27:21,316 Speaker 1: instituted a rule where I no longer work with incompetent assholes. 416 00:27:21,836 --> 00:27:26,836 Speaker 1: Also therapy, lots of therapy. We dipped into my executive 417 00:27:26,836 --> 00:27:30,596 Speaker 1: functioning challenges with punctuality and memory, and we talked about 418 00:27:30,636 --> 00:27:35,956 Speaker 1: emotional dysregulation and the anger that comes from routinely being misunderstood. 419 00:27:36,796 --> 00:27:39,276 Speaker 1: It seemed like it was going okay. I mean I 420 00:27:39,316 --> 00:27:41,796 Speaker 1: still wanted to bolt out of the room, but at 421 00:27:41,876 --> 00:27:45,596 Speaker 1: least it was less awkward than the start. Then some 422 00:27:45,716 --> 00:27:48,956 Speaker 1: number of beers in. My brother RJ confronted me about 423 00:27:48,956 --> 00:27:53,276 Speaker 1: the impact my anger had on him. Yeah. I was 424 00:27:53,316 --> 00:27:56,876 Speaker 1: just a little kid starting to kind of understand. Yeah, 425 00:27:56,956 --> 00:27:59,196 Speaker 1: the world around me I was looking up to all 426 00:27:59,196 --> 00:28:04,956 Speaker 1: the time, and that intolerance for you know, a sound 427 00:28:05,356 --> 00:28:12,236 Speaker 1: or habit or a behavior that often was coming from me, Yeah, 428 00:28:12,476 --> 00:28:16,196 Speaker 1: came out in like extreme aggression, and it made me think, like, 429 00:28:16,396 --> 00:28:18,796 Speaker 1: what the fuck is wrong with me. No, I mean 430 00:28:19,436 --> 00:28:23,996 Speaker 1: it is like I remember, like you used to wear 431 00:28:24,036 --> 00:28:27,796 Speaker 1: your keys on your belt, not a great look, but 432 00:28:27,916 --> 00:28:30,836 Speaker 1: not a great look now. But my chairs bear the scars, 433 00:28:31,116 --> 00:28:35,316 Speaker 1: let me tell you. Like the sound of the keys 434 00:28:36,036 --> 00:28:41,636 Speaker 1: jingling was like un manageable for me, and I would 435 00:28:41,636 --> 00:28:44,756 Speaker 1: be like, like, it builds up, builds up, builds up, 436 00:28:44,916 --> 00:28:48,236 Speaker 1: and then it gets really trying personal when it comes out. Yeah, 437 00:28:48,276 --> 00:28:51,196 Speaker 1: but you're trying to tamp it down. It's like you 438 00:28:51,236 --> 00:28:53,836 Speaker 1: would be listening to your music and I could hear 439 00:28:53,916 --> 00:28:56,716 Speaker 1: the music bleeding out and you're trying, and you're trying 440 00:28:56,716 --> 00:28:58,996 Speaker 1: and trying to ignore it, try to ignore, trying to ignore, 441 00:28:59,116 --> 00:29:02,076 Speaker 1: try to ignore, and then it bubbles over and it 442 00:29:02,116 --> 00:29:05,236 Speaker 1: comes out probably ex ressive, and I feel terrible about that, 443 00:29:05,276 --> 00:29:08,116 Speaker 1: but I remember all of those moments. I remember one 444 00:29:08,156 --> 00:29:10,476 Speaker 1: time Kathy was singing in the card in a low 445 00:29:10,596 --> 00:29:14,956 Speaker 1: saying and I could not I hate it. I hate 446 00:29:14,956 --> 00:29:18,356 Speaker 1: it so much. It's it's it's it's if she's blash, 447 00:29:18,436 --> 00:29:22,356 Speaker 1: she's singing so loud, it would not bother me at all. 448 00:29:22,756 --> 00:29:26,796 Speaker 1: It's the low, it's low, it's frequency saying. It's and 449 00:29:26,876 --> 00:29:29,196 Speaker 1: you can't control it. If I could control that if 450 00:29:29,196 --> 00:29:32,236 Speaker 1: I could ignore those things, I totally would. Why Why 451 00:29:32,276 --> 00:29:35,716 Speaker 1: does anybody want to be saddled with that? Nobody wants 452 00:29:35,756 --> 00:29:38,716 Speaker 1: to be thinking about those things all the time. It's 453 00:29:38,756 --> 00:29:42,476 Speaker 1: awful and so yeah, like you're suppressing all of that. 454 00:29:42,556 --> 00:29:45,876 Speaker 1: And then when the bubbalo, it's like, awful, you don't 455 00:29:46,036 --> 00:29:50,076 Speaker 1: be yelling at somebody for the headphones or the keye strangling, 456 00:29:50,236 --> 00:29:53,396 Speaker 1: like I feel terrible like that. It comes off as 457 00:29:53,436 --> 00:29:56,676 Speaker 1: like who the fuck is this person wants? Wrong with them? 458 00:29:56,676 --> 00:29:59,076 Speaker 1: Like shut up about it? But you probably didn't have 459 00:29:59,116 --> 00:30:01,356 Speaker 1: that reaction with with people who were younger than you're. 460 00:30:01,436 --> 00:30:04,756 Speaker 1: Very often that was me, where it's like I don't 461 00:30:04,796 --> 00:30:09,036 Speaker 1: know what's right. This person's older than me, everything is wrong. 462 00:30:11,476 --> 00:30:14,836 Speaker 1: Those are some hard pills to swallow. My brother had 463 00:30:14,876 --> 00:30:18,036 Speaker 1: clearly been holding onto some stuff for many, many years, 464 00:30:18,676 --> 00:30:22,516 Speaker 1: and I feel awful about that, truly I do. But 465 00:30:22,836 --> 00:30:25,836 Speaker 1: I also can't help the way my brain works, the 466 00:30:25,916 --> 00:30:29,156 Speaker 1: way some sounds just send my body into fight mode, 467 00:30:29,716 --> 00:30:33,596 Speaker 1: because in the fight flight or freeze paradigm of self protection, 468 00:30:34,036 --> 00:30:37,396 Speaker 1: I am a fighter. And if I had known then 469 00:30:37,676 --> 00:30:40,596 Speaker 1: what I know now, well then we'd all be in 470 00:30:40,596 --> 00:30:44,636 Speaker 1: a better place. Hindsight's a real jerk, so we should 471 00:30:44,716 --> 00:30:59,396 Speaker 1: probably take a little break to process. So turns out 472 00:30:59,516 --> 00:31:03,196 Speaker 1: it's not that easy to field comments and questions and 473 00:31:03,396 --> 00:31:07,996 Speaker 1: critiques from the family. Thankfully, my stand in emotional support 474 00:31:08,116 --> 00:31:11,156 Speaker 1: human Hannah was there to ease the tension and to 475 00:31:11,276 --> 00:31:14,276 Speaker 1: pinch hit a few questions. Can I ask you, guys, 476 00:31:14,276 --> 00:31:16,716 Speaker 1: does any but any of you see anything I mean, 477 00:31:16,716 --> 00:31:18,556 Speaker 1: I know this is all new, but anything that you 478 00:31:18,636 --> 00:31:22,276 Speaker 1: remember throughout all of your years of being in a 479 00:31:22,356 --> 00:31:28,196 Speaker 1: family foreign and that you would evaluate or think of differently. Well, 480 00:31:28,196 --> 00:31:30,916 Speaker 1: of course it was a whole school thing. I mean 481 00:31:31,836 --> 00:31:38,036 Speaker 1: her quote disruptive behavior. There was no mean intent behind it. 482 00:31:38,116 --> 00:31:43,356 Speaker 1: She could not manage herself in a classroom setting and 483 00:31:43,436 --> 00:31:46,276 Speaker 1: not being able to be the one who was talking. 484 00:31:47,556 --> 00:31:52,036 Speaker 1: That always stood out. And also through the years in 485 00:31:52,116 --> 00:31:57,636 Speaker 1: her jobs, having difficulties in every work environment with one 486 00:31:57,716 --> 00:32:01,276 Speaker 1: particular person or another. And it's what you said, it 487 00:32:01,396 --> 00:32:03,836 Speaker 1: was they were incompetent, they couldn't do their job, and 488 00:32:03,876 --> 00:32:06,476 Speaker 1: they were telling you to do something that you could 489 00:32:06,516 --> 00:32:09,636 Speaker 1: do better or that you knew wasn't right. The things 490 00:32:09,676 --> 00:32:12,556 Speaker 1: that's two big things that stand out for me. What 491 00:32:12,636 --> 00:32:18,276 Speaker 1: about other kids? Just curiosity? Lauren had a difficult time 492 00:32:18,516 --> 00:32:22,396 Speaker 1: connecting with kids. Always from the time she was young, 493 00:32:22,756 --> 00:32:26,756 Speaker 1: when we would have play dates and stuff, and she'd 494 00:32:26,796 --> 00:32:30,196 Speaker 1: want to play her own thing, and the girls that 495 00:32:30,236 --> 00:32:34,276 Speaker 1: came over would want to do something different. Even now, 496 00:32:34,356 --> 00:32:36,876 Speaker 1: as a person with forty plus years in the can, 497 00:32:37,196 --> 00:32:39,516 Speaker 1: it's hard to hear that I sucked at play dates 498 00:32:40,076 --> 00:32:43,316 Speaker 1: because I was a genuinely lonely kid. I spent a 499 00:32:43,356 --> 00:32:45,996 Speaker 1: lot of time by myself. If it weren't for my 500 00:32:46,036 --> 00:32:48,116 Speaker 1: athletic abilities and the fact that I was on a 501 00:32:48,156 --> 00:32:50,676 Speaker 1: million teams, I'm pretty sure I would have gone my 502 00:32:50,956 --> 00:32:55,676 Speaker 1: entire childhood with no real peer interaction. I just didn't 503 00:32:55,676 --> 00:32:58,636 Speaker 1: really know how to friend. As we were getting to 504 00:32:58,676 --> 00:33:01,196 Speaker 1: the end of our chat, my younger brother RJ asked 505 00:33:01,196 --> 00:33:05,036 Speaker 1: a question, This has been like a process of understanding 506 00:33:05,076 --> 00:33:07,756 Speaker 1: yourself that's been going on for a while, and I'm 507 00:33:07,756 --> 00:33:11,196 Speaker 1: curious how it compares to, you know, twenty years removed 508 00:33:11,476 --> 00:33:15,236 Speaker 1: your experience coming out. Oh, because you started this with 509 00:33:15,276 --> 00:33:18,956 Speaker 1: a joke, like, guys, I'm good. I know it's kind 510 00:33:18,956 --> 00:33:21,676 Speaker 1: of a coming out, Sure it is. I just think 511 00:33:21,676 --> 00:33:25,916 Speaker 1: of it as like, I mean, it sounds cheesy to 512 00:33:25,956 --> 00:33:28,636 Speaker 1: say that, it's sort of like letting in, Like I 513 00:33:28,636 --> 00:33:31,756 Speaker 1: don't feel like I'm revealing anything that I feel ashamed 514 00:33:31,756 --> 00:33:33,996 Speaker 1: of or anything like that. I feel like we're all 515 00:33:34,196 --> 00:33:36,756 Speaker 1: We're all the same page. You know. I remember with 516 00:33:36,836 --> 00:33:40,396 Speaker 1: great priority you and I having that first conversation. Oh yeah, 517 00:33:40,436 --> 00:33:43,996 Speaker 1: and I remember I remember telling you that I you know, 518 00:33:44,076 --> 00:33:46,756 Speaker 1: I love you and I just want you to be happy. 519 00:33:47,116 --> 00:33:49,556 Speaker 1: And I feel the same way right now. Yeah, it 520 00:33:49,596 --> 00:33:54,396 Speaker 1: doesn't mean anything in terms of how we feel or 521 00:33:54,476 --> 00:33:58,876 Speaker 1: treat you. In that moment, after I said what I 522 00:33:58,916 --> 00:34:01,956 Speaker 1: needed to say and my family heard me, I felt relief. 523 00:34:02,396 --> 00:34:05,676 Speaker 1: I never have to do that again. Though working myself 524 00:34:05,716 --> 00:34:08,036 Speaker 1: up into a ladder was mostly for not as these 525 00:34:08,076 --> 00:34:11,916 Speaker 1: things tend to go. But after the big reveal, which 526 00:34:11,996 --> 00:34:14,476 Speaker 1: was not so much a bombshell as it was a 527 00:34:14,476 --> 00:34:18,476 Speaker 1: tiny grenade, I felt a little hollow. I was so 528 00:34:18,596 --> 00:34:21,556 Speaker 1: wrapped up and getting the telling right that I forgot 529 00:34:21,596 --> 00:34:25,116 Speaker 1: about me. What did I actually want from the reveal 530 00:34:25,396 --> 00:34:31,116 Speaker 1: beyond just a basic exchange of information? And what I 531 00:34:31,236 --> 00:34:34,876 Speaker 1: realized later is that I want to be treated differently. 532 00:34:35,436 --> 00:34:38,876 Speaker 1: I need to be treated differently. When my dad asked 533 00:34:38,876 --> 00:34:41,836 Speaker 1: me the question earlier about how the family should regard 534 00:34:41,876 --> 00:34:44,996 Speaker 1: me in light of this new information, here's how I 535 00:34:45,036 --> 00:34:49,516 Speaker 1: should have responded. I want to have this revelation inform 536 00:34:49,636 --> 00:34:52,876 Speaker 1: how I'm considered. I want my particular brain to be 537 00:34:52,956 --> 00:34:57,476 Speaker 1: taken into account. I want my neurobiology to be understood, 538 00:34:57,716 --> 00:35:02,836 Speaker 1: if not embraced. But what I really want and have 539 00:35:03,036 --> 00:35:06,676 Speaker 1: no business asking for, is that all of my family's 540 00:35:06,756 --> 00:35:10,796 Speaker 1: bad feelings about me, that I'm judge mental or aggressive 541 00:35:11,076 --> 00:35:15,676 Speaker 1: or overly opinionated, be seen through this new lens. I 542 00:35:15,716 --> 00:35:18,956 Speaker 1: don't want them to think of me as insolent or obnoxious. 543 00:35:19,476 --> 00:35:21,356 Speaker 1: I don't want to be fixed in their brains as 544 00:35:21,476 --> 00:35:25,316 Speaker 1: difficult or selfish. I want them to see how hard 545 00:35:25,356 --> 00:35:28,596 Speaker 1: it's been for me, and to really digest all the 546 00:35:28,636 --> 00:35:31,436 Speaker 1: ways I have to fold myself into a little origami 547 00:35:31,556 --> 00:35:35,596 Speaker 1: version of me just to appear normal. I want an 548 00:35:35,596 --> 00:35:38,996 Speaker 1: abundance of empathy and I want to be enveloped by it, 549 00:35:39,276 --> 00:35:42,276 Speaker 1: and I want every little Lauren out there to have 550 00:35:42,396 --> 00:35:47,276 Speaker 1: the same, and maybe over time that can happen. But 551 00:35:47,556 --> 00:35:51,156 Speaker 1: I suspect that before I am swaddled in compassion, I 552 00:35:51,236 --> 00:35:54,436 Speaker 1: have to have compassion for myself. I have to accept 553 00:35:54,516 --> 00:35:57,476 Speaker 1: who I am. I didn't ask to be this way, 554 00:35:57,716 --> 00:36:00,756 Speaker 1: but I am this way all the same. I am 555 00:36:00,796 --> 00:36:04,796 Speaker 1: a middle aged autistic lesbian with too many houseplants, not 556 00:36:04,916 --> 00:36:07,836 Speaker 1: enough self control, and a whole lot of life left 557 00:36:07,876 --> 00:36:12,836 Speaker 1: to live. God swelling. But in order to get on 558 00:36:12,916 --> 00:36:15,676 Speaker 1: with the business of living, there's one more thing I 559 00:36:15,756 --> 00:36:19,436 Speaker 1: have to do. I have to absolve myself. I have 560 00:36:19,516 --> 00:36:23,276 Speaker 1: to send shame packing. I have to be okay to 561 00:36:23,436 --> 00:36:26,916 Speaker 1: feel things, and I need to enlist the help of 562 00:36:26,956 --> 00:36:31,116 Speaker 1: an ex girlfriend, a dying squirrel, and a Grammy nominated 563 00:36:31,236 --> 00:36:42,316 Speaker 1: musician to make all that happen. You've been listening to 564 00:36:42,356 --> 00:36:45,676 Speaker 1: the Loudest Girl in the World. It's hosted, written in 565 00:36:45,836 --> 00:36:49,636 Speaker 1: executive produced by me Lauren Obert. Our senior producer is 566 00:36:49,676 --> 00:36:54,436 Speaker 1: Writer Alsop. Our associate producer is David John. Sophie Crane 567 00:36:54,516 --> 00:36:57,796 Speaker 1: is our showrunner and senior editor. Jay Gorski is our 568 00:36:57,836 --> 00:37:01,996 Speaker 1: mix engineer. Music composed by my autistic Kiwie Palell the 569 00:37:02,036 --> 00:37:06,556 Speaker 1: Inimitable Lady Hawk. Our artwork was created by the autistic 570 00:37:06,596 --> 00:37:11,676 Speaker 1: illustrator Loretta Ipsum, was fact checked by Andrea Lopez Cruzado, 571 00:37:11,836 --> 00:37:16,516 Speaker 1: and our autism consultant is Sarah Cappett. Our executive producers 572 00:37:16,556 --> 00:37:26,756 Speaker 1: are Mia Lobelle and LEETM. Lulat Big. Thanks to my family, Russ, 573 00:37:26,836 --> 00:37:29,996 Speaker 1: Kathy and RJ for taking in all the hard Thanks 574 00:37:30,356 --> 00:37:34,036 Speaker 1: love you, guys, and special thanks to Jessica Chamberlain and 575 00:37:34,116 --> 00:37:37,156 Speaker 1: Heather Kenyon for sharing their hard things with us even 576 00:37:37,156 --> 00:37:40,236 Speaker 1: though we didn't end up using them. And thanks to 577 00:37:40,276 --> 00:37:41,676 Speaker 1: you friend for listening.