Speaker 1: The Nicki Kleiser Podcast.
Speaker 2: Niki Laser poss Nicky's Hello here I am. It's a
Speaker 2: nick Klaizer podcast. I'm Nikki Glazer. Welcome to the show.
Speaker 2: I am joined by Brian Frjie and Anya, Marina and
Speaker 2: Noah in Arizona. Brian is at his home in Los Angeles.
Speaker 2: We're all apart today, but we're together. Really, it's gonna
Speaker 2: sound like we're together. How is everyone today?
Speaker 3: Good?
Speaker 4: So good?
Speaker 1: Really so good?
Speaker 4: Finished the song live? Oh my god, very rare feeling,
Speaker 4: but I feel accomplished. It will fade in seven minutes.
Speaker 1: So you just finished it this morning?
Speaker 4: I just finished it like twenty five minutes ago.
Speaker 1: Oh my god? Was it? Is it like do? Or?
Speaker 1: Was it just a song that was in you that
Speaker 1: you had to get out? Yeah?
Speaker 4: It's due. I rejoined my songwriting group that I've been
Speaker 4: in for the last year, but I took off off
Speaker 4: the last three months just because wedding planning was such
Speaker 4: hell and part of me was like, you know, when
Speaker 4: I asked Bob the leader, like can I come back
Speaker 4: after the wedding? I was like, You're not fucking coming back? Girl?
Speaker 4: But I did.
Speaker 3: Wow.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I proved myself wrong, and I turned in my
Speaker 4: song and I like it, and is it? Am ever
Speaker 4: feel that way? It's definitely like a great strong first draft.
Speaker 4: It has like three different verses, it has a bridge.
Speaker 4: It's okay, so that's the full song? Yes, do you
Speaker 4: guys feel that way? Ever? Like a complic accomplished about anything?
Speaker 1: What are you talking about? No?
Speaker 2: Of course, it's rare though that I know the feeling
Speaker 2: you're having right now, and I think it'll last more
Speaker 2: than what did you say, six hours or six days?
Speaker 4: Seven minutes?
Speaker 5: Oh?
Speaker 1: You said seven minutes.
Speaker 3: I can relate to that. I mean when I finish
Speaker 3: a cartoon and then post it, then I feel that
Speaker 3: way and then it immediately goes away. I'm on is
Speaker 3: I mean it's no, it's like less than seven minutes.
Speaker 3: It's like immediate. It's like, now, I gotta do the
Speaker 3: next one because time is going to continue to tick
Speaker 3: by and no one's gonna, you know, remember.
Speaker 4: You, Yeah, goes by? So s I mean social media
Speaker 4: sevenes write.
Speaker 3: Social media does that to you more than anything, is
Speaker 3: that it makes you. It continually reminds you that no
Speaker 3: one will remember you, because if you don't post something,
Speaker 3: for like I don't know untes a month. If you
Speaker 3: don't post thing for a month, people might think you're dead.
Speaker 2: Yes, I was thinking today if I died, how long
Speaker 2: it would take for someone to and I'm like pretty
Speaker 2: in demand right now. And I was even like, I
Speaker 2: think it would take a few hours before people were like,
Speaker 2: maybe she's dead, you know, like I think, first, it's
Speaker 2: funny that so many when people do die and they
Speaker 2: miss an appointment, and then they miss a lunch that
Speaker 2: they were supposed to go to, then they miss a
Speaker 2: zoom call. At first ever, one's just pissed at them
Speaker 2: and thinks that were a piece of shit.
Speaker 1: But they're just like laying dead in their room, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean.
Speaker 2: Like I knew that if my I was like, if
Speaker 2: I died today, my voice teacher would be like, God,
Speaker 2: once again, she forgot our lesson, Like this, she's really
Speaker 2: probably you know, she's going through something like this is
Speaker 2: really irresponsible. It's so funny that most dead people everyone's
Speaker 2: mad at them the first couple hours they're dead.
Speaker 1: They're so embarrassing.
Speaker 4: At what point do you think your friends would start
Speaker 4: wondering if you had been abducted or like you were
Speaker 4: in danger? Or like locked in a car or in
Speaker 4: some kind of peril.
Speaker 5: I think it's if if we didn't see Nikki responding
Speaker 5: to anything on the girl's Chat and like I would say,
Speaker 5: twenty four hours, Yeah, I'd be suspicious, But.
Speaker 2: Sometimes my life is going so badly, I don't want
Speaker 2: to be on the like things or just I think
Speaker 2: girls chat when I that is when you should start active.
Speaker 5: Right, you're active on it, but if we know you're
Speaker 5: kind of like you doing your own thing, I would.
Speaker 3: Be for a large portion of America, they wouldn't know
Speaker 3: you were dead until you made an appearance on a
Speaker 3: television show and then the credits it said in memory
Speaker 3: of Nikki Glazer.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a good that's a good point that happens
Speaker 1: to me.
Speaker 2: I feel like it would be I would I would
Speaker 2: have the front page of the Daily Mail at this
Speaker 2: age if I died tragic, Like there's no way if
Speaker 2: I'm dying right now, it's not going to be tragic.
Speaker 2: If it was just tomorrow, I'd make the front page
Speaker 2: of the Daily Mail. For about three hours, you know,
Speaker 2: the lawnmower chunks of lawnmower girls. She was up there
Speaker 2: for about three hours when I.
Speaker 1: I mean, my death is not going to be more
Speaker 1: interesting than that.
Speaker 2: There's just no way. That's the most interesting death I've
Speaker 2: ever heard of in my life.
Speaker 4: I may never say never. There have been some interesting deaths.
Speaker 2: Well, I'm not going to be laying outside anytime soon.
Speaker 2: I don't like the sun.
Speaker 1: I don't want to.
Speaker 2: It's scared of ticks. The grass is itchy. That's just
Speaker 2: not going to be where you're going to. You're gonna
Speaker 2: kill me.
Speaker 3: You know Lance Reddick? Who's that Lance Reddick? He was
Speaker 3: in the John Wick franchise. He made an incredible appearance
Speaker 3: on the Eric Andre Show. He's been in a lot
Speaker 3: of actually like prestige things to them that I didn't see.
Speaker 3: But uh, he was. He was in Written Fringe, and
Speaker 3: he was in White Man Can't Jump.
Speaker 1: What happened to him? I don't need to know now.
Speaker 1: He died. He died, damn it.
Speaker 3: And I didn't know that he died. And he was
Speaker 3: young too. He was from the wire, he was in
Speaker 3: the wire. He was in the wire drugs. No, I
Speaker 3: didn't see that he died until I watched John Wick four,
Speaker 3: incredible movie. And it's said in the memory of John
Speaker 3: Wicket and memory of Lance Reddick at the end, and
Speaker 3: I was like, what the fuck? And then I heart disease.
Speaker 3: He died like too, yeah, like two weeks before the
Speaker 3: movie came out of heart disease and it was out
Speaker 3: of nowhere. In fact, he was so out of nowhere
Speaker 3: that the family issuing like the hospital because of they like,
Speaker 3: there's just no way that there was undetected heart disease
Speaker 3: that suddenly killed him, which unfortunately is something that happens
Speaker 3: all the time. But he was like super in shape,
Speaker 3: worked all the time.
Speaker 2: Let's die down all the time, is to everyone in
Speaker 2: my life right now is so scared of dying, and
Speaker 2: they just keep quoting these like freak. Then this person
Speaker 2: died and no one knew they were gonna die. Well,
Speaker 2: this has been happening forever, but it's so rare. You
Speaker 2: should worry about winning the lottery too, and and having
Speaker 2: all your friends change after that, and and everyone, and
Speaker 2: then you go broke and homeless because you win the
Speaker 2: like the just fear of a random death or like
Speaker 2: a brain aneurism. I also I know that I'm like,
Speaker 2: I'm so lucky to not fear death like I don't.
Speaker 2: It's sometimes it catches up to me if I do
Speaker 2: like the wrong substances, Like sometimes I'll go like, whoa fuck,
Speaker 2: I'm gonna die.
Speaker 1: Fuck that's so scary.
Speaker 4: But to be playing to Lane Highway, I don't think
Speaker 4: about death.
Speaker 2: I'm just like thinking about the second before it where
Speaker 2: it's like oh fuck, like that like moment like have
Speaker 2: you ever heard the September eleventh when the guy's on
Speaker 2: the phone and he's like.
Speaker 1: No, it's getting hard to breathe and he just goes no.
Speaker 2: And it just cuts out and you see it times
Speaker 2: with the building crumbling and you see his floor get
Speaker 2: hit and it just goes like yeah, and it's just
Speaker 2: dead like silence.
Speaker 4: I can't handle this, I really can't.
Speaker 2: I mean that's not that bad because people always whenever
Speaker 2: there's a reddit that's like what's the worst audio You've
Speaker 2: ever heard? And they always say that one, And I'm
Speaker 2: like that one doesn't get me as bad as but
Speaker 2: just yeah, that that moment, I don't want to know.
Speaker 1: That's why the thing?
Speaker 3: What was that as bad as like Cisco's album the
Speaker 3: Thong song, that's the worst audio I've ever heard.
Speaker 1: I'm trying to I think RFK Junior talking is the
Speaker 1: worst audio I've ever heard what is content and the
Speaker 1: way he has some kind of throat thing condition whenever,
Speaker 1: now that I've had throat uh surgery, and I can
Speaker 1: hear when people's vocal cords are just using them wrong,
Speaker 1: which is pretty much my voice still. But when I
Speaker 1: hear like people, I can't even do an impression of
Speaker 1: it because I'm scared I'll injure myself. That really bothers me.
Speaker 1: But he has a he has a condition.
Speaker 3: Did you hear his last speech? Oh my god, he went.
Speaker 3: He was like, let me see that thong, that thong,
Speaker 3: theng thong kong.
Speaker 1: Try any of the worst song I can think of.
Speaker 4: Behind the music on that song, there's like the making
Speaker 4: of the thing.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I watched it.
Speaker 4: It was interesting, but I'm like, I can't believe this.
Speaker 1: EXIT have a question.
Speaker 5: Do you remember when it was trendy to wear your
Speaker 5: thong over your jeans. Did any of your partake in that? No? I,
Speaker 5: oh my god, to.
Speaker 2: Stick anything to draw attention to me being a sexual
Speaker 2: being at any point in my life except you know, no,
Speaker 2: no that would would you know?
Speaker 1: What did you do that? There's no way you did.
Speaker 4: For sure, No, it did.
Speaker 5: There was a wrestler name is Lita and she used
Speaker 5: to wear like these baggy cargo pants and her thong
Speaker 5: would stick out.
Speaker 1: And I used to think that was so cool. But
Speaker 1: there's no way I could pull that off. You could.
Speaker 1: You have the best ass?
Speaker 4: Are you insane?
Speaker 6: Yeah?
Speaker 2: You have the best like waste to ask ratio of
Speaker 2: anyone I know to pull it off.
Speaker 1: It looks like you had a BBL.
Speaker 2: You really do get fat sucked out of your waist
Speaker 2: and put in your ass.
Speaker 1: It's perfect, Which is a compliment. Yeah, totally compliment. You
Speaker 1: have a great waiste to hit.
Speaker 2: But no, yeah, I do remember that being a I
Speaker 2: just remember the first time I ever felt like, uh,
Speaker 2: really insulted when someone I remember I was like sitting
Speaker 2: on up on this shelf, you know, like I'm sitting
Speaker 2: up on the counter in chemistry class, Like when we
Speaker 2: were waiting for the bell to ring and this guy
Speaker 2: came out to me and said I had thighs, Like what?
Speaker 2: And I was like, I like cried later on that
Speaker 2: night because of he was quoting that song and my thighs.
Speaker 2: Whenever you sit as a woman, your thighs just spill
Speaker 2: into a pool that you can't control and it makes
Speaker 2: you feel so fat no matter how thin you are,
Speaker 2: and that is you know, your thighs just get loose
Speaker 2: and then they just turn into a gelatinous puddle right
Speaker 2: in front.
Speaker 4: Of you, no matter how you have thigs, like what.
Speaker 1: She's got thighs? Like what what?
Speaker 5: What?
Speaker 4: Yah?
Speaker 2: Maybe it was a compliment, Yeah, yeah, probably what I
Speaker 2: mean everything in that song is a compliment. But that
Speaker 2: was before white women were trying to have like thick bodies, right.
Speaker 1: And now it's very trying.
Speaker 2: Yeah, me telling Noah that she has a like good size,
Speaker 2: like has juice in her ass is like a compliment.
Speaker 2: But back in the two thousands, for a white girl
Speaker 2: to early two thousands, if you did not want an ask.
Speaker 3: Juice in their ass in the early two thousands, that
Speaker 3: means they had to go to the hospital.
Speaker 1: Someone injected juice in your ass.
Speaker 2: Yeah it's it, you know body, Uh.
Speaker 1: But now it's but now sin is getting back in.
Speaker 2: So that was a little bit like on the borderline
Speaker 2: of like is that insulting to Noa to tell her that,
Speaker 2: because now everyone doesn't want an ass again because trends change,
Speaker 2: like eyebrows thick one second thin the next, yea, what
Speaker 2: is it now hip hugger's mom jeans? What is what
Speaker 2: is somewhere in between? There's still girls that want bbls
Speaker 2: and then there's now it's getting back into like kind
Speaker 2: of with hip huggers coming back twiggy style because rob
Speaker 2: you of an ass? Oh eyebrows for like girls who
Speaker 2: are just so striking it doesn't matter what they do.
Speaker 1: Thin is back in.
Speaker 2: Oh really, but thick is still probably what most women
Speaker 2: are going for, is like a a more full brow. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I don't know, I know's what I still feel mine in.
Speaker 2: I'm not going thin anytime soon.
Speaker 3: The thick brow, I feel like, is a recent thing.
Speaker 3: Like I feel like it's like Emily in Paris is
Speaker 3: when thick brow became popular.
Speaker 2: And they're they're falling away again, Wow, like Shields.
Speaker 4: When she was a child and every and pedophilia was like,
Speaker 4: isn't just the hottest new thing? I mean, she was
Speaker 4: considered the most beautiful child old slash young lady. What
Speaker 4: was she thirteen? Disgusting? But her brows were thick. And
Speaker 4: then there was a study that came out that said
Speaker 4: that men actually are genetically biologically attracted to a woman
Speaker 4: to full rowse because it indicates fertility.
Speaker 2: Really, yeah, that's everything. Anything men are attracted to is
Speaker 2: an indicator of fertility.
Speaker 3: Always.
Speaker 2: Yeah, juice in the ass, child bearing hips, having like
Speaker 2: because first of all, you can't get pregnant if you're underweight,
Speaker 2: and so like the idea that men are attracted to
Speaker 2: waif like men aren't gay men and women like waif
Speaker 2: and they set the style standard like you know Vogue,
Speaker 2: What's who's that mean bitch from Vogue and the one
Speaker 2: that never smiles and has a horrible haircut.
Speaker 1: Yes, she's the one.
Speaker 2: She's she's setting what the standard for beauty is and
Speaker 2: she's you know that she's not a man who wants
Speaker 2: to get any woman pregnant. So, but I think generally
Speaker 2: men were never into there's some men that are into it,
Speaker 2: that are into the waif.
Speaker 1: Look like last night I was gooning.
Speaker 4: You're back to goon it.
Speaker 1: I'm back on it because I got my trick. Man,
Speaker 1: you can just smile and it goes away.
Speaker 3: Wow, how long?
Speaker 2: I would probably like thirty five minutes last night, and
Speaker 2: then I did another set for about thirty Yeah, I
Speaker 2: was I had.
Speaker 1: Nothing to do.
Speaker 3: How much of a breaks between.
Speaker 2: Probably like three hours two Okay, okay, okay, yeah, so
Speaker 2: different than I never go twice in a night. That's
Speaker 2: like not, I would never ever do that. It's never
Speaker 2: happened for me in my life. But I have nothing
Speaker 2: to do right now in my life, and or I
Speaker 2: do have a ton there's like desperate emails that are
Speaker 2: waiting to be responded to, so I have there.
Speaker 4: Yeah, there's put your email signature, change your email signature.
Speaker 4: I'm gooning likely, yeah, I mean I was doing a
Speaker 4: lot of that last night. And so, but there was
Speaker 4: a there was a whole genre of men fucking anarexic girls.
Speaker 4: Because I clicked on one video where the girl was
Speaker 4: kind of thin and just because I liked all the
Speaker 4: other content in it, but it happened to be like
Speaker 4: this guy and it's an anorexic girl in the you know,
Speaker 4: she was an an like I could tell.
Speaker 1: I was like, no, she's just a thin woman. But
Speaker 1: like I was like, oh my god.
Speaker 2: As soon as I clicked on that, all the videos
Speaker 2: underneath it, thattic suggest is like a barrage of anorexic porn.
Speaker 1: It's crazy.
Speaker 2: And I was just like and then I was like,
Speaker 2: looking at him, I'm like, God, I could never enjoy
Speaker 2: watching this because I know these women are just so hungry.
Speaker 2: There's no way when you're hungry.
Speaker 1: No, they're not.
Speaker 2: There's no way, because when you're hungry, that's the number
Speaker 2: one thing you think about.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: Victor Frankel in that Man Search For Meaning the book
Speaker 2: about this time and not Holocaust.
Speaker 4: That's also on Nicky Binga. Oh it's not okay, I
Speaker 4: never know.
Speaker 2: But nine to eleven I think probably is. I didn't
Speaker 2: mention to Columbine yet, but he even says in the book,
Speaker 2: and so I'm not trying to be gross here. He's
Speaker 2: like people sometimes ask like, we were all naked all
Speaker 2: the time, and we were living amongst each other and
Speaker 2: these bunks was where you guys like banging, And he's like, no,
Speaker 2: because we were starving. You don't think anything sexual when
Speaker 2: you're starving. There's nothing else you care about because you
Speaker 2: can't even make babies when you're starving. So what's the
Speaker 2: point of wanting to have sex. Your body is number one.
Speaker 2: We got to get some fat on our bodies then
Speaker 2: we can conceive. So yeah, I don't understand the anorexic subgenre,
Speaker 2: but people are into fucking everything on there, and I
Speaker 2: just was surprised at it, and I felt really bad
Speaker 2: for these women because I like to watch porn where
Speaker 2: the women is having a good time and enjoying herself,
Speaker 2: or so it seems she's a good enough actress. And
Speaker 2: I just knew these girls were just like thinking about
Speaker 2: when they could eat next, and I just knew that
Speaker 2: they weren't having a good time. That's the only porn
Speaker 2: that I know for a fact the girl isn't having
Speaker 2: a good time. Or maybe she is because she's distracted
Speaker 2: by the dick, so she's not, you know, obsessed with food.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I should probably have a nice meal at the
Speaker 3: end of it.
Speaker 2: No, No, anarxics do never let themselves have a meal.
Speaker 2: And if it is, it's like a head of iceberg
Speaker 2: lettuce and it's no fun, like dipped and mustard and
Speaker 2: it's no fun.
Speaker 3: I guess they could really a direxic porn. I just
Speaker 3: imagine there's like a chicken palm meal off camera.
Speaker 4: It was just like tasty delight in the corner, low
Speaker 4: cow peanut butter flavor. You just made me remember something
Speaker 4: from a time when I was not anirexic, but I
Speaker 4: was very thin. I was super depressed. I had had
Speaker 4: a terrible breakup. I was smoking like a chimney. I
Speaker 4: was so I remember getting a manny petty and this woman,
Speaker 4: the Vietnamese lady, was like asking me all these questions,
Speaker 4: all always the same questions, like you know Mary. I'm like, no,
Speaker 4: I'm not married. And she's like, you look sick. I'm
Speaker 4: like I do. She's like, so, men don't like that.
Speaker 4: It's like I'll never forget her telling me you look sick.
Speaker 4: I'm like I'm not. She goes, hmm, you look sick.
Speaker 4: Men don't like that.
Speaker 1: They can't help it. But if you want me get
Speaker 1: your nails done?
Speaker 4: Yeah, what have you been told at this salon?
Speaker 1: Why you old lad?
Speaker 6: Oh?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Luis c K.
Speaker 2: I was listening to his special this past weekend, like
Speaker 2: the latest, not the latest one, but the one from
Speaker 2: twenty twenty one where he kind of references his.
Speaker 1: You know, jerking off in front of women.
Speaker 2: But anyway, he was talking about he does you know,
Speaker 2: He's talking about going to a sushi restaurant and she's
Speaker 2: like you finish, and he's like and by the way, yes,
Speaker 2: I'm going to do the accent because it would sound
Speaker 2: insane if I was like and she came up and said,
Speaker 2: you finish, like like if he didn't do he was like,
Speaker 2: that would just sound crazy.
Speaker 1: And I like that, like when is it inappropriate to
Speaker 1: do the accent? When is it not anything?
Speaker 3: Because accents? Again? Please?
Speaker 1: I was reluctant, but I just like it.
Speaker 2: What is the problem that's if it's I don't know,
Speaker 2: I'm I'm kind of used to this is I used to?
Speaker 1: If it sounds like, why can't you do an impression
Speaker 1: of it?
Speaker 3: There's a song I made up. I used to sing
Speaker 3: this to my dog because he had these treats called
Speaker 3: I can't even do this, I can't do this on
Speaker 3: I'm going to make you. No, no, this is a
Speaker 3: cancel thing.
Speaker 1: I won't make it.
Speaker 3: But there was this song I would sing to my
Speaker 3: dog because there was this treats called lamb long. Have
Speaker 3: you ever had lamblung?
Speaker 5: Oh?
Speaker 3: God?
Speaker 1: Is that what it is?
Speaker 3: It's lamblung? It's lamblung, And well it's not it's not waste.
Speaker 3: It's good because it doesn't waste. But I would sing
Speaker 3: a song for my dog.
Speaker 2: Because it's telling you what it is. Like anything that's honest, Okay, lamblung.
Speaker 3: Oh way. I would sing it and then at a
Speaker 3: certain point, not it wasn't my fault, but at a
Speaker 3: certain point it would sound like I was in personating
Speaker 3: an Asian person because lamb lung already kind of sounds
Speaker 3: like some kind of Asian Asiatic language. So I would
Speaker 3: sing the song and.
Speaker 2: Don't they do l's instead of ours or something, so
Speaker 2: it sounds like you're saying ram wrong or no, they
Speaker 2: never mind.
Speaker 3: Anyway, this is canceled. I don't want to get canceled.
Speaker 3: But I would sing the song, and then at a
Speaker 3: certain point there was a threshold whereas like, I think
Speaker 3: this song just became racist. But it starts off not racist,
Speaker 3: it's just like lamb long, lamb long, But then at
Speaker 3: a certain point it starts to sound racist. And so
Speaker 3: I think that's the threshold we're all in search of. Anyway,
Speaker 3: can we please delete this?
Speaker 2: No, you don't need to delete it wrong, But there
Speaker 2: is that thought of like when is it honest and
Speaker 2: when is it racist? Like if you're doing an impression
Speaker 2: of someone who is speaking broken English in an Asia
Speaker 2: Asiatic accent, are you and you're nailing it?
Speaker 1: Are you doing? Are you?
Speaker 2: You know, are you telling the story more authentically or
Speaker 2: are you being a racist?
Speaker 3: What if?
Speaker 4: So?
Speaker 3: Like my dad's answer, this is what.
Speaker 2: We get back because we have to go to break. Okay,
Speaker 2: what is your dad's life partner? Yes, my station, Yes.
Speaker 3: My dad's life partner's Chinese and she has a thick
Speaker 3: Chinese accent. If I did a stand up joke where
Speaker 3: I you know, frequently people reference their parents or step parents.
Speaker 3: If I referenced her and I wanted to impersonate her,
Speaker 3: is that allowed?
Speaker 2: No, unless you're Louis c K and you've already been
Speaker 2: canceled and you don't give a fuck like that is
Speaker 2: what I will say. That's what's great about listening to
Speaker 2: Luis c K is that there is no trying to
Speaker 2: be PC at all. It's it's once you're canceled, like
Speaker 2: he just has no fear anymore. So it's kind of nice.
Speaker 2: And I don't think he's inherently a horrible person. I
Speaker 2: think he's a narcissist, and you know, I think he's
Speaker 2: but I don't think he can help that, you know,
Speaker 2: and I don't think he's totally shown enough.
Speaker 1: She's kind of still. Yeah, that's the word I'm looking for.
Speaker 2: But he's also free to say whatever the fuck he wants,
Speaker 2: and there was some freedom in that. So I don't know.
Speaker 2: We'll talk about anything else but this when we get back.
Speaker 2: All right, we're back. So we talked about how long
Speaker 2: we think it would be until well, Anya, you live
Speaker 2: with someone and so do you know us, so they
Speaker 2: would discover you dead quicker than and so do you, Brian,
Speaker 2: so you would be You have partners.
Speaker 1: That's why we have partners.
Speaker 2: Is that so if we die, people know sooner than
Speaker 2: before we start to smell.
Speaker 4: Yeah, like we were talking about yesterday, we lived in villages.
Speaker 4: We were all connected. We had many people around us
Speaker 4: that knew our whereabouts.
Speaker 2: Yes, but it is funny to me that people would
Speaker 2: be mad at you at first.
Speaker 3: Huh. A neighbor will smell you. Yeah, there was one
Speaker 3: time I was one of my neighbors died and it
Speaker 3: just stank.
Speaker 2: And you'll never forget that smell, right, that's the smell
Speaker 2: that they always talk about the smell of death. I've
Speaker 2: never smelled a dead body, have you, guys besides Brian?
Speaker 5: I have on the subway. I told a story on
Speaker 5: the podcast before. Oh yeah, saw a stiff body.
Speaker 1: And you do you know this? It can it? Like
Speaker 1: can you conjure the smell right now in your head?
Speaker 1: Like is it stayed with you?
Speaker 5: Well? I wonder if Brian has the same memory. It's
Speaker 5: kind of like this, Like it smelled like a like
Speaker 5: a really potent chemical, as if like I mixed ammonia
Speaker 5: with something else.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, I mean I guess I don't really know
Speaker 3: what that would smell like.
Speaker 5: But it didn't smell like like garbage. It just smelled
Speaker 5: like a really bad chemical.
Speaker 4: Have you smelled a dead mouse ever? Yes, for sure
Speaker 4: that smell. I couldn't get out of my head for months.
Speaker 4: Once finding a dead mouse, I remember like something is awry.
Speaker 4: And then I turned into like a hound dog like
Speaker 4: sniffing around my apartment, just like sniffing out of the TV.
Speaker 4: And I was like, it's under here, and I lifted
Speaker 4: up the TV. There was a dead mouse.
Speaker 5: I can't handle dead animals except when you guys winter,
Speaker 5: Like if you had to remove a dead animal.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't mind it.
Speaker 2: I mean I'm sad that they died because the mouse
Speaker 2: always looks like, oh, they always look like they were
Speaker 2: in they kind of die, and the look of pain
Speaker 2: that they were in and it makes me so sad.
Speaker 2: But I don't mind death as much as I mind suffering.
Speaker 2: So as long as they're not like still twitching, I
Speaker 2: don't care. But you don't want to touch a dead
Speaker 2: animal because of like the disease that's possibly within it
Speaker 2: is that it's probably it's smart of you.
Speaker 5: I think that's what it is. I don't know why.
Speaker 5: I just get so emotional. Like sometimes we'll have birds
Speaker 5: fly into the window of our house, I know, and
Speaker 5: then they're just they're dead, and I just like every
Speaker 5: time I look down and I see them, I just
Speaker 5: scream and I run away and then I ask Avi
Speaker 5: to do take care of it.
Speaker 1: I just I will say that.
Speaker 2: When I'm driving down the road, I have a similar
Speaker 2: thing where if I see roadkill like coming up, I
Speaker 2: put my hand up and I block it until it goes.
Speaker 2: But I'm more scared of yeah, I guess I'm just
Speaker 2: scared of seeing like a cat's head twisted like like
Speaker 2: I just and I just think about the asshole who
Speaker 2: probably like tried to hit it. And I don't think
Speaker 2: that happens all the time. But I have been in
Speaker 2: the car with people in high school. I'm not going
Speaker 2: to name names, but one of them's in our girl's
Speaker 2: chat who tried to hit a squirrel, And I remember
Speaker 2: being like, I can't be friends with this person anymore.
Speaker 2: And she's since changed and she's horrified. When I told
Speaker 2: her of that story, she was like, no, I didn't.
Speaker 2: I'm like, do you think I would make that up?
Speaker 2: Do you think I would want you to want to
Speaker 2: hit a squirrel? But I remember you trying to go
Speaker 2: for it, and not in like I'm a serial killer way.
Speaker 2: I think she was just full of teen angst.
Speaker 3: And like wherewithal of every team?
Speaker 2: Yeah she wasn't we don't think of and as a teenager,
Speaker 2: you're not thinking you're not as compassionate And I was.
Speaker 4: Trying to dumb shit you dead as a teen? I yeah,
Speaker 4: I mean I drove drunk so many times as a
Speaker 4: team and drunk, Yes, what.
Speaker 2: About luteron Yeah definitely not too but yeah, yeah I
Speaker 2: did not. She should never understand tell me this. Okay,
Speaker 2: So you and your past have driven drunk. No one's
Speaker 2: gonna come after your statute of limitations. Its way past, okay,
Speaker 2: And we're all joking on here, So anything could be
Speaker 2: taken as satire and you're not actually talking about your PA,
Speaker 2: but say you did drive drunk in your past, why
Speaker 2: the fuck would you drive or radically whenever I had
Speaker 2: had maybe any kind of alcohol in me, even if
Speaker 2: it was below the limit. I am driving like a
Speaker 2: student driver on her driver's test. I am I'm driving
Speaker 2: too cautiously. Who were these maniacs? You had a death wish?
Speaker 2: I'm guessing I have.
Speaker 4: You ever had this thing where you drive so well
Speaker 4: and then you drop someone off and the second you
Speaker 4: were alone in the car, you just start driving like
Speaker 4: a maniac or you're like a little more reckless. It
Speaker 4: was that it was like I lived on a mountain
Speaker 4: up You've never been to the house where I grew up,
Speaker 4: but I lived up a windy road in northern California.
Speaker 1: I understand, okay, if there's no cops around, but also.
Speaker 4: Like you're yes, so you're you're in the privacy of
Speaker 4: your own weird mountain. I get that, Oh yeah, And
Speaker 4: you're just like I know how to take these turns.
Speaker 4: I don't need to follow the lines, I don't need
Speaker 4: to stay within this like and it's two in the morning.
Speaker 4: Just remember thinking you're insane.
Speaker 3: I've been doing that every night. Yeah, where did you
Speaker 3: grow up? What was the town?
Speaker 4: Cooper Tino?
Speaker 3: Oh, Coopertino, Oh right, right right, the apple the Apple Icon.
Speaker 4: Yeah. So like the Santa Cruz Mountains and like the
Speaker 4: mountain ranges there, they're all kind of like windy, there's
Speaker 4: no lights and the kids are crazy up there.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, so I never.
Speaker 2: Had to drive up there, but I definitely did some
Speaker 2: reckless things in my past that are embarrassing. But I
Speaker 2: never tried to intentionally crush a squirrel beneath tell us
Speaker 2: my car.
Speaker 1: I mean I would, I would.
Speaker 2: I always got drunk at this bar, like, uh, probably
Speaker 2: a quarter mile a half a mile tops from my apartment,
Speaker 2: and I would definitely. Oh, and there was one time
Speaker 2: I remember being, oh, man, I don't even want to
Speaker 2: talk about it because it's I'm so mad at myself.
Speaker 2: It's way worse than trying to hit a squirrel. But
Speaker 2: I had precious cargo in my in my car and
Speaker 2: people I love very much and who were depending on
Speaker 2: me to drive, and I was wasted and drove so
Speaker 2: far and I was actually seeing Luis c k that
Speaker 2: night at Stanford and suns Wow in two thousand and
Speaker 2: probably four or five and I was got so drunk
Speaker 2: at this show and then I had to drive home,
Speaker 2: and I remember thinking this is it, like do you
Speaker 2: never get to do this again?
Speaker 1: And I never did it again.
Speaker 2: I never I mean after that, I'd think I drove
Speaker 2: maybe with like where it was questionably over the limit.
Speaker 2: But and that is that is really why I quit drinking.
Speaker 2: It's actually why I moved to New York or out
Speaker 2: of I didn't go back to Los Angeles. I left
Speaker 2: Los Angeles in two thousand and nine. I was drinking
Speaker 2: a ton, always making that quarter mile drive back and forth.
Speaker 2: Was this was before uber and I couldn't afford cabs
Speaker 2: and all my friends were wasted to I mean excuses,
Speaker 2: excuses I should have walked.
Speaker 1: I mean, this is horrifying for me to even relive.
Speaker 2: But nobody walks in La No, And it would have
Speaker 2: to be under this like overpass where a bunch of
Speaker 2: homeless people were camped out. Even back then, they were
Speaker 2: ahead of the trend that is now in every corner here.
Speaker 1: But I remember thinking I'm gonna get a dui.
Speaker 2: And I used to hear the stories like it's just
Speaker 2: it's not a matter of if, it's a matter of
Speaker 2: when so if you keep doing this, it will happen.
Speaker 2: You will get caught. And I didn't have ten dollars
Speaker 2: to my name, let alone ten thousand dollars that I
Speaker 2: knew it would instantly deprive me of and the disappointment
Speaker 2: of my family. It was all looming, and I knew
Speaker 2: it was going to happen. So when I moved back
Speaker 2: home to Saint Louis, I I had just had friends
Speaker 2: drive me everywhere.
Speaker 1: I was not drunk.
Speaker 2: I don't remember drunk driving in Saint Louis, maybe because
Speaker 2: I was black out and don't remember it, but I
Speaker 2: do remember going to New York being like, this is
Speaker 2: where I'm going to be safe and not I can't
Speaker 2: drive here and I can't bring my car, And I
Speaker 2: remember being like, yes, now I can just drink with
Speaker 2: abandon because that thing that's always looming is not anymore.
Speaker 2: But that's where I ended up quitting drinking. I'm so
Speaker 2: glad now when I get pulled over, I feel I
Speaker 2: remember the first time getting pulled over after I had
Speaker 2: quit drinking. I was excited because I was like, there's
Speaker 2: nothing to worry about. If I did anything wrong, is
Speaker 2: that I broke I like, you know, did it stop
Speaker 2: fully at a stop sign or I'm speeding ten miles
Speaker 2: over the limit. I'm not drunk driving, which is the
Speaker 2: most horrible thing you can possibly most selfish, horrible thing
Speaker 2: you could ever ever do. And I just felt like, good,
Speaker 2: pull me over, I'm doing nothing wrong. It felt so good.
Speaker 2: And then one time this cop pulled me over and
Speaker 2: he said it smelled like beer and I had not
Speaker 2: been drinking. I said, I have a diet a in
Speaker 2: w in the fucking console. And he made me get
Speaker 2: out and do a sobriety test on the side of
Speaker 2: the road in the middle of the day in North Hollywood.
Speaker 2: That was when I was back in LA. It was
Speaker 2: so embarrassing, so embarrassing, like it's a dead mouse, it's
Speaker 2: in the back of my car, just my breath.
Speaker 3: That's an emotion that only only us whites can feel.
Speaker 4: I was just thinking, I mean, I have nothing to fear.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I understand my privilege with that statement, but yeah,
Speaker 2: when if you're not drinking, like, you've so many less
Speaker 2: worries in life, Like there's no waking up and being
Speaker 2: like who I text? There's no it's just so much
Speaker 2: worry evaporates. It's some more anxiety or your wallet, oh
Speaker 2: and all the money that you save, but all you
Speaker 2: are still dancing. You stop going the girls are here,
Speaker 2: whoo like you have no enthusiasm ever again the rest
Speaker 2: of your life. For any time as someone you like
Speaker 2: enters a bar, you'll never one time be like, look's
Speaker 2: it like, You'll never care as much as you did
Speaker 2: when you're drunk. So there's things I miss. Yeah, you
Speaker 2: it's harder to be intimate with people. All those things
Speaker 2: there are. There are things that you go, oh, this
Speaker 2: kind of sucks and you have to get used to.
Speaker 2: But in terms of all the anxiety, like you feel
Speaker 2: like a void of anxiety. You almost look for things
Speaker 2: to make you anxious because it's just so you're so
Speaker 2: free of them. But I always say that the most
Speaker 2: embarrassing thing is like being cheated on. Even John mulaney.
Speaker 2: I was listening to a lot of stand up this
Speaker 2: weekend to be inspired, and John Mlaney had a bit
Speaker 2: about like when you're drunk, when you get sober or
Speaker 2: you lose the best excuse in the world, which is
Speaker 2: I was wasted, and you get out of everything. I mean,
Speaker 2: it's embarrassing, but at least you're like, oh, that wasn't me,
Speaker 2: and people kind of give you a get out of
Speaker 2: fridge but you know, jail free card. And but then
Speaker 2: when you quit, like you just have to be like no,
Speaker 2: I just I'm loud and obnoxious.
Speaker 1: Sorry, you know whatever he said.
Speaker 2: But I used to have the bit of when someone
Speaker 2: you cheat on someone, as long as the person's drunk,
Speaker 2: you can go like they were drunk. You know, like
Speaker 2: we all if you've been drunk, you know, you do
Speaker 2: things that you it's not like your true self comes out,
Speaker 2: like you just do stupid stuff. I think in some cases, yes,
Speaker 2: your true self comes out and you get to do
Speaker 2: things that you secretly really want to do. But I
Speaker 2: think a lot of people make horrible mistakes that they
Speaker 2: would never make sober when they're drunk, and you get
Speaker 2: to excuse it.
Speaker 1: But if someone gets cheated on, you're.
Speaker 2: Like, John, you cheated on me, and you're like, well,
Speaker 2: how wasted were you?
Speaker 1: And he's like I was sober. You're like, oh, you
Speaker 1: just hate me. Oh you just have no respect for me.
Speaker 2: Like, getting cheated on when the person is sober is
Speaker 2: got to feel so much worse than if they're drunk.
Speaker 3: You could always blame your mental health on your raises
Speaker 3: her hand.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it happened to me.
Speaker 1: Did you did you wish.
Speaker 2: He was drunk? Did you have that moment of like,
Speaker 2: but you were drunk right? And He's like no, I was.
Speaker 4: Like you were doing this in the afternoon on a Sunday.
Speaker 4: But then I learned like, oh, sex addiction is its
Speaker 4: own is it? Like it's so and it's so strange.
Speaker 4: It's like you hate what you're doing. You're compelled to
Speaker 4: do this many times more than anyone would need to
Speaker 4: do it with people you can't stand. So it's like, oh,
Speaker 4: it's a true addiction, which I don't really like. I've
Speaker 4: always rolled my eyes as sex addiction, like come on,
Speaker 4: are you really? But then you meet people that really.
Speaker 2: Are can you you relate to like eating something that
Speaker 2: you're like, I'm not even hungry.
Speaker 1: This is disgusting. I don't want it.
Speaker 2: It's in the trash I'm eating it, and it's such
Speaker 2: an embarrassed I mean.
Speaker 4: Here all the time like comics being like really sucks.
Speaker 1: Adduction. That's not a thing.
Speaker 2: I know what it bothers me because I really do
Speaker 2: think it's a thing. It's first of all, sex gives you.
Speaker 2: I I shouldn't have masturbated twice last night, but I
Speaker 2: was bored and I needed some dopamine and I was
Speaker 2: like craving, you know, I didn't want to eat, so
Speaker 2: I was like, I'll just come you know. Like it's
Speaker 2: the same kind of shoots off things in your brain
Speaker 2: that make you feel real good.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but you could be addicted to anything. I mean
Speaker 3: you could, I'm you know, you could be addicted to
Speaker 3: I mean obviously like gambling and stuff, but you could
Speaker 3: be addicted to just like, uh, you'd be able to exercise.
Speaker 3: There's everything in I do think that there there is
Speaker 3: like a slippery slope here of diagnostic diagnosing everything that's
Speaker 3: just human behavior, Like oh, you hit your wife a lot,
Speaker 3: that's because you're addicted to hitting. You know. It's like
Speaker 3: that could anything could be excused by mental health, which
Speaker 3: is uh, you know, it's a slippery slope. I don't know.
Speaker 3: I'm not going to speak to it very much more
Speaker 3: than that.
Speaker 1: Well, I'm no free will.
Speaker 2: If you read free will, everything is your mental condition.
Speaker 2: Everything is things firing in your brain that you have
Speaker 2: no control over. So you can always have that excuse.
Speaker 2: Like the example he gives that I always like to
Speaker 2: give is when that one guy there was a mass
Speaker 2: shooter in Texas in like the forties that went up
Speaker 2: to like a clock tower and just picked off a
Speaker 2: bunch of people, and everyone was like, how could he
Speaker 2: do this?
Speaker 1: And then he killed himself.
Speaker 2: Like I think he died, like you know, somehow he
Speaker 2: died where his brain was still intact. And then they
Speaker 2: opened up his brain to go what was going on
Speaker 2: with this guy? And they found a fucking tumor on
Speaker 2: some part of his brain and they go, oh my god,
Speaker 2: he didn't want to do this. This wasn't his fault.
Speaker 2: He had a tumor. This was this was a this
Speaker 2: was an external thing, this wasn't from in him. But
Speaker 2: if you look at anything you do ever, will you
Speaker 2: go to pick up a box of crackers, where you go,
Speaker 2: you the way you lay your head on a pillow,
Speaker 2: anything that you think is the way you chose your partner,
Speaker 2: It's all chemicals in your brain firing that you have
Speaker 2: no choice of.
Speaker 1: So why do we let that guy off the hook
Speaker 1: because he had a tumor.
Speaker 2: Well, really, everything in your brain is something that you
Speaker 2: do not control, and it's all things firing that you
Speaker 2: have zero control over. That is the essential argument there. Well,
Speaker 2: I agree, never illness or not, tumor or not. Your
Speaker 2: brain's doing things you can't control.
Speaker 3: That's just existence is if you eliminate that's just the
Speaker 3: central tenet of existence, that everything is in your brain,
Speaker 3: that your brain is you. But the thing I don't
Speaker 3: like about it is when you use that to to
Speaker 3: let people off the hook, as opposed to what you
Speaker 3: just said, which is saying everyone's responsible for what they're
Speaker 3: doing despite the fact that you don't have control over
Speaker 3: anything because of your brain.
Speaker 1: But yeah, not responsible.
Speaker 2: No, you get punished for things to send an example
Speaker 2: to society. Because although humans do not choose what goes
Speaker 2: on in their brain, your brain is something that's operating
Speaker 2: in order for you to survive at optimally. Now, there
Speaker 2: are anomalies that happen that make you do things that
Speaker 2: will increase your chance for not surviving. But that's like,
Speaker 2: you know, those are rare things that are happening in
Speaker 2: your brain that like if you do something stupid like
Speaker 2: drunk drive, like that's not optimally surviving, Like you're you're
Speaker 2: there's a substance you're introducing that's making your brain not work.
Speaker 1: Now if you.
Speaker 2: If we if we then put people in jail who murder,
Speaker 2: we're the real reason to do it is not to
Speaker 2: punish them because they couldn't really help that they murdered,
Speaker 2: even though you think they can. Their brain did a
Speaker 2: thing and they can't help it, and it seems like
Speaker 2: they chose it. That's why we have like you know,
Speaker 2: first degree murder or second like, we have degrees of
Speaker 2: it because it's like first degree means you chose it,
Speaker 2: and you planned it, and you googled all this stuff.
Speaker 2: Them googling, they didn't have. They were always gonna do it, okay,
Speaker 2: So that's that's how I believe. But Sam Harris's point
Speaker 2: is that we punish these people because we are brains
Speaker 2: see that punishment and go, well, I don't want to
Speaker 2: spend my life in prison, so I will adapt and
Speaker 2: the firings in my brain will adapt to avoid that
Speaker 2: behavior because at most you're still an organism that's trying
Speaker 2: to survive and your brain is still trying to keep
Speaker 2: you alive. So we punish people to set an example,
Speaker 2: but we don't punish people to actually go you are bad,
Speaker 2: shame on you, which we do do or We shouldn't
Speaker 2: be doing that. It should only be as to protect
Speaker 2: people because this person's obviously mentally ill and they make
Speaker 2: bad decisions and they're going to drink again. They're going
Speaker 2: to drink, so we need to protect them from society.
Speaker 2: But to punish someone. It's that's why the death penalty
Speaker 2: is kind of stupid, because this person couldn't help that
Speaker 2: they were deeply abused as a child or whatever led
Speaker 2: them to be.
Speaker 4: But isn't the death penalty also a deterrent, like society
Speaker 4: will fear getting.
Speaker 2: We fear of spending our life in prison. So why
Speaker 2: do you got to make it death if.
Speaker 3: You believe in studies, studies show that the death penalty
Speaker 3: does not deter crimes from being happened. That's what the
Speaker 3: studies have shown.
Speaker 2: I would love to be put to death if I
Speaker 2: was giving to prison a hundred Who wouldn't Why would
Speaker 2: you ever want to spend life? And I'm spending my
Speaker 2: life right now in this place I'm staying at where
Speaker 2: I kind of feel trapped in for myriad reasons that
Speaker 2: I'll get into it another time, but I just feel
Speaker 2: like I can't really leave. I feel and I my
Speaker 2: mental health is fucking plummeting because I'm in like a
Speaker 2: room with not a lot of lighting. I just went
Speaker 2: outside when we had ten minutes to spare, and I
Speaker 2: just walked around on the grass and like did grounding
Speaker 2: and like was in the sun because I was like, oh,
Speaker 2: I'm starting to my cells are starting to die because
Speaker 2: i haven't gotten enough sunlight recently. I've been sitting on
Speaker 2: my ass too much. Thats why I'm sitting on the floor.
Speaker 2: I'm just like trying to get near the ground. But yeah,
Speaker 2: I would would it? Would you guys rather be life
Speaker 2: in prison or put to death?
Speaker 3: I was on death row. I would want that meal, baby.
Speaker 1: Well.
Speaker 2: And I don't think they're going to nail the meal
Speaker 2: for you. Isn't that weird that we like show one?
Speaker 2: Do they really like if you want some fucking meal
Speaker 2: that you had when you were a kid, do they
Speaker 2: go to that fast food restaurant in dustin, Florida and
Speaker 2: find it for you and have it overnight?
Speaker 4: A No, I doubt it.
Speaker 1: It's like, oh, probably get to.
Speaker 2: Choose from like a like a pizza or whatever you
Speaker 2: had for lunch yesterday, Like there's there's no last meal?
Speaker 4: Is if I had friends though in jail and I
Speaker 4: was like getting a degree, I'd want to be kept alive,
Speaker 4: never get out. Yeah, I want to hang out with
Speaker 4: my friends, my jail friends, and if I was safe,
Speaker 4: but if I was like constantly in danger and like
Speaker 4: you're gonna get shanked or raped, just put me to death.
Speaker 4: But I'm scared of the electric chair, I'll be honest.
Speaker 1: Let's not.
Speaker 2: I don't think that's how they do usually with like
Speaker 2: much anymore, except in like really backward states do they
Speaker 2: do drugs that like don't really work and the person's
Speaker 2: just like like frocking out the mouth and they have
Speaker 2: to like inject more. Guillotine was invented because they were
Speaker 2: looking for a more humane way to kill people, And
Speaker 2: the guillotine is probably what I would want because it's
Speaker 2: not as like horrible as like having your head shot
Speaker 2: or like hanging's got to be the fucking worst. Boy,
Speaker 2: Why people when people kill themselves that way? I'm just
Speaker 2: you know, I always say I don't have a gun
Speaker 2: in my possession because I just don't trust my brain
Speaker 2: to like not use that someday to do something horrible
Speaker 2: to myself, even though I don't think i'd do it,
Speaker 2: I just that would be a way in which I
Speaker 2: would probably choose to do that. If I had to,
Speaker 2: Let's say the world was ending and someone put a
Speaker 2: gun to my head, to put a gun to my head,
Speaker 2: I would probably put a gun to my head. But
Speaker 2: but I I'm not someone who's like, I can't have
Speaker 2: rope in my house. Like, I have many things I
Speaker 2: can hang myself with in this room. And I thought
Speaker 2: about the other day, I'm like, why would I never
Speaker 2: have a gun in my room because it's too immediate.
Speaker 1: I would never.
Speaker 2: And when I hear about these people who hang themselves,
Speaker 2: I just think, how fucking horrible that. It's just please
Speaker 2: don't do that to yourself ever, anyone. And I hear
Speaker 2: that it's most of a lot of the times people
Speaker 2: who hang themselves are really trying to auto erotic asphyxiate.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's a mistake.
Speaker 4: They're goon and they're going.
Speaker 3: There's a lot of things you can use to kill yourself.
Speaker 3: I mean, it doesn't have to be a rope. You
Speaker 3: can there's a lot of metas in that you could use.
Speaker 3: There's you could crush up cherry pits kill yourself with that.
Speaker 3: I mean, it's so easy.
Speaker 4: To die, I can come over and.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean anyway, I did something really embarrassing. Going
Speaker 3: back to the embarrassing thing, Uh, it's maybe to light
Speaker 3: in the mood a little. I did something really embarrassing
Speaker 3: in college that I had. I lived next to this
Speaker 3: girl who I had a crush on. In college. I
Speaker 3: was in a house and there was a house next
Speaker 3: to us, and uh uh, everyone, it's really weird living.
Speaker 3: Have you ever lived next door to someone you have
Speaker 3: a crush on? It's really it's my dream. I know, Well,
Speaker 3: you're constantly going to run into them, but then it
Speaker 3: like doesn't happen for like weeks and weeks.
Speaker 1: You your wife, she's in the next room. You guys
Speaker 1: don't share at actually have a crush on. I know crushes.
Speaker 1: Why can't you have a crush on your spouse?
Speaker 2: It's always just like hi, like you used to be
Speaker 2: obsessed with her and whatever. Okay, so you're living next
Speaker 2: to a crush it would be I don't think i've
Speaker 2: ever I've never done that.
Speaker 1: I live next to Have you ever found a dead spouse?
Speaker 3: Sorry? I love my spouse. I hope she lives longer
Speaker 3: than me. Anyway, I was living next door to my
Speaker 3: crush and uh, there was a big rainstorm and next
Speaker 3: to my house was like a drainage river, you know,
Speaker 3: like you know, like one of those rivers that's like
Speaker 3: filled with trash most of the time, but it's still
Speaker 3: a river.
Speaker 1: Its wash wash.
Speaker 3: It was a real river. It's called the Jordan River
Speaker 3: in Bloomington, Indiana, and it was it was a river.
Speaker 3: It's it's since been cemented over this portion of the river.
Speaker 3: It was just it was just like a ditch. It
Speaker 3: was a part of the river that it was like
Speaker 3: a ditch filled with trash. But it rained so much
Speaker 3: that it was flowing like crazy. And I saw my
Speaker 3: roommate was outside just looking at the river. And then
Speaker 3: my crush came out of her house and she went
Speaker 3: out to look at the river, and everyone was marveling
Speaker 3: at how amazing the river was. And so I came out.
Speaker 4: I was like, this is like a white trash.
Speaker 1: Romantics of garbage.
Speaker 3: It gets much more white trashy. So I go out
Speaker 3: and I like, oh, this is my chance to impress
Speaker 3: my crush. So I walk out with an empty keg
Speaker 3: because we had a party recently. I had an empty
Speaker 3: keg and I went nose. I said, I'm going to
Speaker 3: ride this keg down the river.
Speaker 2: No, no, because you were so desperate for attention from her.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I was like, hey, look at me. I'm fun
Speaker 3: I'm exciting. Who what am I going to do? I
Speaker 3: take the keg. It's so dangerous, I know. I straddle
Speaker 3: the keg like a horse, and I jump into the
Speaker 3: room like a horse.
Speaker 4: I see, like the keg is a horse.
Speaker 3: Yes, I put the keg on top of me, like
Speaker 3: like I'm a horse. I straddle the keg like a horse,
Speaker 3: and I jump into the river and I start flowing down.
Speaker 3: I'm like, oh my god, and I instantaneously just you
Speaker 3: can't control yourself. And it it's not like a bucket.
Speaker 2: You thought it would be like a cartoon of a
Speaker 2: guy just bobbing up and down riding this thing perfectly.
Speaker 3: Yes, down, Yes, I'm riding down the river. I immediately
Speaker 3: flop over and I scrape my leg against like some trash,
Speaker 3: like a chopping cart or something. The keg squirts away.
Speaker 3: It just rushes down the river and I climb out
Speaker 3: of the river bleeding. My leg is dashed and bloody.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I am Imagina is winking.
Speaker 3: Help help me, and the crush is like, it's horrified.
Speaker 2: What did you imagine happening in your in your mind?
Speaker 2: Did you like think at all before this, Like, did
Speaker 2: you have a fantasy of what she would think?
Speaker 3: I was thinking the same thing your friend was thinking
Speaker 3: when she tried to run over that squirrel, which is nothing.
Speaker 1: Oh nothing.
Speaker 3: I was like, I was like nineteen or whatever, and
Speaker 3: I was thought that this girl would be so impressed
Speaker 3: by my adventurous spirit that she would immediately see that
Speaker 3: I was the one that she should be banging.
Speaker 1: And boy, you just crawled out of the river, like, oh, crawled.
Speaker 3: Out of the river bleeding.
Speaker 1: Help me, I said, help me, Thank god. I mean
Speaker 1: you could have drowned.
Speaker 3: Anything could have happened. I could have Yeah, I know.
Speaker 1: You're so dumb.
Speaker 3: The more likely thing that could have happened, which I'm
Speaker 3: surprised it didn't, was I could have gotten an infection.
Speaker 3: This is a filthy, trash filled river, and I just
Speaker 3: cut myself on a rusty shopping cart. Probably how did
Speaker 3: I not get an infection?
Speaker 1: And that the day talk to her.
Speaker 2: I want to be next to her, maybe even like
Speaker 2: brush your like shoulders together, to be like, wow, look,
Speaker 2: at that and like pointed at something and your shoulders
Speaker 2: would touch and she would feel a rush and she
Speaker 2: would like be excited, and you could have just like
Speaker 2: stood next to her.
Speaker 1: Instead, you like hurled yourself catastrophe.
Speaker 4: Do that all the time. Guys that like you do
Speaker 4: dumb shit all the time. That's the opposite of what
Speaker 4: you want them to do. You're like, just touch me
Speaker 4: or talk to me, but instead they're like drinking with
Speaker 4: their friends or like standing on a table.
Speaker 3: Or that guy who jumped off the end of that
Speaker 3: boat and died.
Speaker 1: Yes, oh yeah.
Speaker 3: Maybe he was trying to impress a girl.
Speaker 1: That's what I said.
Speaker 2: And my boyfriend Chris was very he was like he
Speaker 2: used it as an example recently of how we see
Speaker 2: things so differently. He's like, I would have been that
Speaker 2: guy in high school, and it wouldn't have been to
Speaker 2: oppressed girls. It would have been to like be the
Speaker 2: fun guy. And you would have had the story about
Speaker 2: me forever if I would trying to impress a girl,
Speaker 2: but I wasn't. I'm like, but you were trying to
Speaker 2: impress men. What's the fucking difference. You're trying to be
Speaker 2: like a fun guy. He's like, no, I would have
Speaker 2: just done it for fun. I'm like, what's the fucking difference?
Speaker 3: You know?
Speaker 2: Come on, and that guy probably was trying to impress girls,
Speaker 2: who everything we do is for the opposite sex and
Speaker 2: to get love and protection from people and acceptance. Why
Speaker 2: else would you jump off a boat into shark infested waters?
Speaker 2: You were trying to come off as a fun guy.
Speaker 2: Was this like a persona that you were trying to
Speaker 2: pursue for a while, like I'm the fun guy? Was
Speaker 2: Was there like maybe someone you were admiring that was
Speaker 2: more like?
Speaker 6: This?
Speaker 2: Was this during the time of Jackass? Where did you
Speaker 2: feel like those guys were getting laid a lot or something.
Speaker 3: I was just a different person at this age in college.
Speaker 3: I freshman, sophomore year. This was before before the pains came.
Speaker 3: This is the big difference. I was a different guy,
Speaker 3: filled with hope and joy.
Speaker 1: And then Brian is in chronic pain.
Speaker 3: Everyone yeah, and you know it ebbs and flows, and
Speaker 3: but before this time, I was like, I was filled
Speaker 3: with hope and optimism and energy and honestly like a
Speaker 3: little bit too much, a little bit too much, and
Speaker 3: the pains kind of put me in a median place
Speaker 3: that was more acceptable to society but also not worth
Speaker 3: the pain. But back then, I would do all sorts
Speaker 3: of things to be like I'm the crazy, wild guy,
Speaker 3: or I'm here to have fun, or I'm the tough
Speaker 3: And also I was a New Yorker coming I was
Speaker 3: a New Yorker coming to Indiana, and so everyone viewed
Speaker 3: me the.
Speaker 1: New York was about.
Speaker 3: Yeah. Everyone was like, do you do you ride a
Speaker 3: taxi to school? And I was like no. But I
Speaker 3: was like the tough New Yorker guy even though I never,
Speaker 3: I like maybe got into one fight in high school?
Speaker 1: Was this who you really were?
Speaker 2: Were you trying to adopt an identity back then and
Speaker 2: like figure out the kind of person you were? Like,
Speaker 2: was that the person you wanted to be? Because I
Speaker 2: think we all relate to I was, or do you
Speaker 2: think it was really who you were?
Speaker 3: The one thing that I'm very proud of that I
Speaker 3: stand by that has been a consistency throughout my life
Speaker 3: is that I've always been the funny guy, like the
Speaker 3: guy that try to make people laugh. And I I
Speaker 3: really appreciate that. I always knew that about myself, that
Speaker 3: that's what I wanted to do, and that was my
Speaker 3: passion or whatever you're.
Speaker 2: Jealous of that, yeah, because I'm not. I did not
Speaker 2: relate to being the funny one until I started doing
Speaker 2: this as a career. And now it's like, you're the
Speaker 2: funny one and I'm just not, and people expect me,
Speaker 2: I think, to be all the time, and I can
Speaker 2: be because I can. I'm very harsh and people find
Speaker 2: that to be funny, and I can be honest and blunt.
Speaker 2: But I was never like going for the joke trying
Speaker 2: to make people laugh, and I'm always even. I was
Speaker 2: listening to Tim Dillon's podcast this weekend and he was
Speaker 2: said that he at one point realized he wasn't going
Speaker 2: to be hot and he's not dumb, he says. He's
Speaker 2: this podcast that he did this weekend with Andy Letterman,
Speaker 2: and he's just saying, like hot and dumb are the
Speaker 2: best things to be in life. You want you don't
Speaker 2: want to be hot and smart, becau as if you're
Speaker 2: hot and smart, you know you want people to take
Speaker 2: you seriously, but they're not going to and you know
Speaker 2: they're not, and you know that. But if you're hot
Speaker 2: and dumb, you're that's the best you could ever be.
Speaker 2: As hot and dumb, and he makes a really good
Speaker 2: argument for it. But he said that he wishes if
Speaker 2: he could be reborn, he would just focus on looking
Speaker 2: hot and just doing enough drugs to make him stupid,
Speaker 2: and his life would be great. He just has a
Speaker 2: workout a ton and eat well and just focus on
Speaker 2: being hot, don't read, don't educate yourself, just lean into
Speaker 2: the gym and your appearance, and that's it, and you'll
Speaker 2: have the happiest life possible. And I think he's onto something.
Speaker 2: But then he said that at one point he chose,
Speaker 2: I'm going to be the funny one. That's going to
Speaker 2: be my personality. And I don't think I ever chose that.
Speaker 2: I don't think that that was I'm trying to think
Speaker 2: of who I tried to be in I think in
Speaker 2: college I tried to be maybe the funny one, but.
Speaker 1: It wasn't even like like I was a funny one.
Speaker 2: I was just like trying to I've always just tried
Speaker 2: to be the nice one that people want to be
Speaker 2: friends with. I think that's the person I was always
Speaker 2: trying to be.
Speaker 3: So is comedy like you just honed a skill and
Speaker 3: became so good at it that it was just like well,
Speaker 3: I'm going to do this all the time.
Speaker 2: I'm just so cry I knew I was a good writer.
Speaker 2: I got a five on the AP English exam. That
Speaker 2: was like, that was the moment I was like, because
Speaker 2: my teacher even she was the one that when September
Speaker 2: eleventh happened during her class and I was like, what's
Speaker 2: the World Trade Center? She was, you don't know what
Speaker 2: the world trades that she like really was furious that
Speaker 2: I was such an idiot, and she just never really
Speaker 2: was that big of a fan of me. And then
Speaker 2: I was one of the only kids to get a
Speaker 2: five on the AP English exam, and she's the one
Speaker 2: that gets the test results and calls you, and I
Speaker 2: remember her being very upset that I got a five
Speaker 2: and other people did it, and her just being very
Speaker 2: shocked and like, you got a five, and everyone was
Speaker 2: kind of surprised. But then that was she sounds cool, Yeah,
Speaker 2: she was.
Speaker 1: She was scary.
Speaker 2: I really gravitate towards women who were terrifying and don't
Speaker 2: seem to like me, and I try to win them over.
Speaker 2: And then that's why I get a five on the exam,
Speaker 2: you know. And but I remember that getting a five
Speaker 2: on that exam was a huge moment for me of like,
Speaker 2: invalidates something that I needed. I was actually extremely exceptional
Speaker 2: at something, and that proved it, whether or not it
Speaker 2: did like I could have just had a test greater
Speaker 2: that day. Who got was hungover and impressed by one
Speaker 2: sentence I said, you know, like, who knows what gave
Speaker 2: me that five?
Speaker 3: What in literature as in life, is that a phrase?
Speaker 3: It's just a dumb common phrase that everyone starts their
Speaker 3: stupid high school essays with.
Speaker 1: Oh, I've never heard it before.
Speaker 3: I sorry. I thought everyone would have heard it and
Speaker 3: then laughed knowingly, but no one did so because.
Speaker 2: When we get back of like these identities, we choose
Speaker 2: and pursue because yeah, I just realized that was a
Speaker 2: formative moment from me.
Speaker 1: So more on this when we get back. All right,
Speaker 1: we're back. Yeah, I just needed something to go off
Speaker 1: of that made me feel like I was.
Speaker 2: I was never good at anything. I was never like, wow,
Speaker 2: you are better than this than everyone does ever does
Speaker 2: anyone else feel like they wanted that moment of being
Speaker 2: the best at something. I am a three enneagram and
Speaker 2: that is one of the major points of being a
Speaker 2: three is that you base your self worth off of
Speaker 2: how you're perceived by others.
Speaker 1: But I don't know how you wouldn't do that. What
Speaker 1: the fuck else are you basing it off of? Other
Speaker 1: than an audience?
Speaker 3: Interpersonal relationships, acceptance service, but that's still other people, still
Speaker 3: other people?
Speaker 2: Well self love is not but like, what else would
Speaker 2: you base your self worth off of? Rather than if
Speaker 2: your family thinks you're special, your friends think you're special,
Speaker 2: being special?
Speaker 1: Like what else would there your own personal happiness?
Speaker 3: Utilitarian is a.
Speaker 1: Yeah, what the fuck?
Speaker 4: Being useful? I wanted to be the best figure skater
Speaker 4: right until I got cut, and then I got cut
Speaker 4: in the calf and it stopped my career. But I
Speaker 4: definitely had a competitive streak for sure.
Speaker 1: But are you one of the best?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 4: And I knew it, And that's what I think. That's
Speaker 4: a quality I've always had is I'm like, I guess
Speaker 4: I know I'm not the best, but I still am
Speaker 4: going to pursue things. You know, what makes.
Speaker 2: You do that thing despite knowing you can't be the best,
Speaker 2: because that really I'm not trying to sound.
Speaker 4: Because I knew I had other talents. I was like,
Speaker 4: I'm a graceful figure skater. I'm not like this strong
Speaker 4: chick that ended up cutting my leg open. Her name
Speaker 4: was God, I was Tanya. It wasn't Tanya. She looked
Speaker 4: like tanyayarding.
Speaker 2: Okay, so Nancy Harrigan. But it was by accident. She
Speaker 2: didn't like pay Jeff Galuley to do.
Speaker 4: It right, right right. It was by by accident, mullet.
Speaker 4: And she looked like Tanya, but she had She was
Speaker 4: a powerhouse. And this is a theme in my life,
Speaker 4: like wanting to be the powerhouse, but knowing I'm not that.
Speaker 4: I'm like graceful and maybe like slightly wafye, but I
Speaker 4: have a certain talent. Like I was the graceful skater
Speaker 4: that could do like little frilly things, but I wasn't
Speaker 4: like like triple axel.
Speaker 2: You know, were you was it? Once you realized that
Speaker 2: you had this other thing? Did you lean into that
Speaker 2: or I wanted.
Speaker 1: To always first place.
Speaker 4: I wanted to have the gold medal, and then I
Speaker 4: couldn't figure out why I was always getting like bronze
Speaker 4: and silver. I mean, this is in like rank head
Speaker 4: in competitions. And then eventually I'm like, I guess I'm
Speaker 4: just not that great. Like you would see they'd show
Speaker 4: videotapes of your performances back to back with the other girls,
Speaker 4: and I was like, I see what I am. I
Speaker 4: was like slower and just not as powerful.
Speaker 2: But you know where you see something that you cannot
Speaker 2: describe is when you watch dancers next to each other
Speaker 2: and you just like, they're all doing the same routine.
Speaker 2: They're all great, They're all at the top level of dancing.
Speaker 2: You know, you watch these tiktoks. I don't know if
Speaker 2: you guys do, but I like watching dancing on reels.
Speaker 2: I don't do TikTok. But when I say TikTok, just
Speaker 2: know I'm talking about reels.
Speaker 1: I'm not lying.
Speaker 2: I really don't go on TikTok, but I'm not alo whatever,
Speaker 2: it doesn't matter. So when I'm watching these reels, you
Speaker 2: just gravitate towards certain dancers and you go what. I
Speaker 2: try to figure out, what are they doing that the
Speaker 2: person right next to them is not doing where I'm
Speaker 2: watching them. And it's not that they're more beautiful. Sometimes
Speaker 2: they're not. They're not as there's one woman that's stunning,
Speaker 2: perfect body, everything going for and then there's a woman
Speaker 2: that is not any of those things, and she is
Speaker 2: bringing something else to it, and you go, what is it?
Speaker 2: And I sometimes can't even grasp onto it. And that's
Speaker 2: that's always really fun for me to see that, because
Speaker 2: it does make you realize there's just little micro movements
Speaker 2: or like little little things that are just born inside
Speaker 2: you that you can't even choose to do that make
Speaker 2: you special.
Speaker 4: It's like Kim Kardashian said on a recent episode of
Speaker 4: The Kardashians, He's just trying to choose between the nineties
Speaker 4: archived Crystal Dulce dress that was very classic, versus what
Speaker 4: her stylist wanted her to wear, which was like this
Speaker 4: plasticy like pleather. I can't I don't know what it was.
Speaker 4: But she's like, no, no, no, don't wear the old thing,
Speaker 4: like wear this new. You want to do something new
Speaker 4: in front and modern, and Keim's like, I can't explain it.
Speaker 4: I feel so good in this one. I just feel
Speaker 4: so myself and confident and like, I like how I
Speaker 4: walk and her stylust is like, no, you want to
Speaker 4: pick the new one this play and you could just
Speaker 4: tell by the way she walked she was not comfortable
Speaker 4: in this new and uncomfortable thing. I think, really it
Speaker 4: makes you feel sexy.
Speaker 2: Well, what about when you're writing a song and you're
Speaker 2: trying to maybe go for You're trying to push yourself
Speaker 2: to maybe do something outside what's your comfort zone. So
Speaker 2: we always say, like, trust your gut, But then there
Speaker 2: are other times where you have to push yourself into
Speaker 2: an uncomfortable position where this is something that you wouldn't
Speaker 2: normally do, but I'm going to go outside my comfort zone.
Speaker 2: When is which there's always an argument for either one
Speaker 2: or stick to what feels good and what feels natural.
Speaker 2: And then there's times where people go, no, you need
Speaker 2: to challenge yourself and that's how you grow.
Speaker 1: Which is it?
Speaker 4: I think there's having fun.
Speaker 3: Yes, there's a in a talent code it says that
Speaker 3: there's like a range that's like just five percent outside
Speaker 3: your comfort zone that you need to be in. But
Speaker 3: if you go too far out of your comfort zone
Speaker 3: then disaster will strike. So that's that's I don't know
Speaker 3: if that applies to just like being generally comfortable or not,
Speaker 3: but like I think just getting slightly outside of it
Speaker 3: is the key, not too far outside of it, right,
Speaker 3: in order to improve. That's something I was.
Speaker 4: Doing that today writing a song. And I was like,
Speaker 4: I really wanted to write it about this one thing,
Speaker 4: and I just couldn't get anywhere. And I'm like, on
Speaker 4: day three of writing this thing. Then I revisit it
Speaker 4: today and I'm like, just write about the real thing
Speaker 4: that happened. Just stop trying to write this other story.
Speaker 4: Just write about the actual, real moment that you had
Speaker 4: that was the inception of this song. And so I did.
Speaker 4: I wrote about like I had because the songs called
Speaker 4: London Blues, and I really did have this day in London.
Speaker 4: I think Nicky and Chris were doing something, maybe we
Speaker 4: had all just done a podcast, and I was walking
Speaker 4: to go visit my friend and I just walked the
Speaker 4: entire day and I was by myself. And then when
Speaker 4: I came home, I sang this song and it was
Speaker 4: like kind of a finished thought in the bathroom in
Speaker 4: my hotel, and I was feeling lonely. I couldn't reach
Speaker 4: my boyfriend. He was on tour. I'm on tour. We're
Speaker 4: like six hours apart. We couldn't FaceTime. It had been
Speaker 4: like day three of no talking. Not that we didn't try,
Speaker 4: but it was just not working out. And so I
Speaker 4: just wrote a song about that, and I was like,
Speaker 4: I should have done this hours ago and just like
Speaker 4: write about the real thing instead of trying to write
Speaker 4: this perfect song, you know, and it ended up being
Speaker 4: way more. I like the song so much more than
Speaker 4: I thought I would. And I think you just have
Speaker 4: to do that, like go to whatever, go to whatever
Speaker 4: is truest in you.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 2: Maybe I think that's what you arrive at with comedy too,
Speaker 2: is like what's the truest thought here? And like, but
Speaker 2: sometimes I just feel like the truest thing is just
Speaker 2: so bleak and sat like. But then that sometimes can
Speaker 2: be very funny.
Speaker 1: I just there.
Speaker 2: But that's I don't think there's so many conflicting Yeah,
Speaker 2: but I also hate that about myself because some people,
Speaker 2: because people, I don't like being laughed at, and I
Speaker 2: think like a lot of times people are like, you're
Speaker 2: so funny and they're laughing at me, Like God, I
Speaker 2: would never be that. I'd never throw things around like that,
Speaker 2: and I would never honk like that, and I would
Speaker 2: never tell someone that blunt thing. And it's like people
Speaker 2: are not laughing, like, oh my god, I wish I
Speaker 2: always just want to be liked. I want people to
Speaker 2: want to be me. I guess is the point. I
Speaker 2: want people to be like man, I wish I was
Speaker 2: like that, and instead I feel into that. Most of
Speaker 2: the things that people are like Nikki, we love you,
Speaker 2: it's all things like you slam cabinets and you say
Speaker 2: really rude things unintentionally. It's like never anything that anyone
Speaker 2: would want from themselves. They're glad that it's me because
Speaker 2: it's funny to watch, but it's not a desirable trait.
Speaker 2: And I feel like, but it's when I lean into that,
Speaker 2: it's like, Okay, yeah, it's authentic, but it's nothing that
Speaker 2: anyone would ever wish for their dog to have in them.
Speaker 4: It's like, who gives a shit, Like that's what's so
Speaker 4: great about you? I think, like, lean into that more
Speaker 4: because it's true to you. That is what makes you you.
Speaker 4: No one is like you. No one is like, there's
Speaker 4: a craziness about you. That's fucking awesome. Yeah, it's so
Speaker 4: funny and it's so unique. It's like no one is
Speaker 4: like you, but not craziness. No one wants to be crazy,
Speaker 4: and that I have that. Why would I not have
Speaker 4: about something that people go like, oh my god, like
Speaker 4: we're all everyone's crazy in their own way, like I'm weird.
Speaker 4: Remember the guy I dated that insists was a fucking
Speaker 4: weirdo and then he kept telling me you're not weird.
Speaker 4: I'm like, I think I'm a little weird. He's like,
Speaker 4: you're the most normal girl I've ever met. I'm like,
Speaker 4: fuck off, Like you don't want to be weird.
Speaker 1: I don't like it so much.
Speaker 2: I remember you saying that you were so He called
Speaker 2: you a prototypical blonde girl.
Speaker 4: Or something heterone, normative, normative.
Speaker 2: I were a dream of someone describing me that way.
Speaker 2: I love you're like, and I'm like, you think I'm
Speaker 2: normal and plastic and like cookie cutter. Like as much
Speaker 2: as I think that, I do want to be seen
Speaker 2: and want everyone to be like look at her and
Speaker 2: be exceptional, like I do want to just blend in.
Speaker 2: More than anything I want to be, I want to
Speaker 2: be normal.
Speaker 3: Your slamming cabin and she started off hand, it's.
Speaker 1: Easy to say that, but when.
Speaker 2: You're a lifetime of people going nicky, shut up, calm down.
Speaker 2: Oh god, here she goes again, Nikky, do don't talk
Speaker 2: that loud in a restaurant. It is so hard to
Speaker 2: undo this shit. Like I was just in therapy this
Speaker 2: morning talking about childhood trauma, which is not would not
Speaker 2: really categorize as trauma next to what so many people
Speaker 2: experience in their childhoods because I had parents that were
Speaker 2: amazing and loved me and all those things, but there's
Speaker 2: things that happened that like I've been waking up in
Speaker 2: the middle of the night and just feeling like souper anxious,
Speaker 2: Like four times a night I wake up in the
Speaker 2: middle of the night and I go to pee, but
Speaker 2: I'm just like I can't. I just feel like this
Speaker 2: tension in me that is like I just feel like
Speaker 2: I want to burst out of my skin and I
Speaker 2: need to something to self soothe. And my therapist was saying, like,
Speaker 2: who do you need to comfort you in that moment?
Speaker 2: Like what's going on for you? Like who could you
Speaker 2: think of? Wouldever? Like if you could call it conjure
Speaker 2: someone in that moment, who would it be? And I
Speaker 2: like started crying because I was like, honestly, like my sister,
Speaker 2: but not the way my sister is with me, like
Speaker 2: the way my sister is with Poppy, Like my sister
Speaker 2: every night for Poppy, this is not a joke. She
Speaker 2: tucks her in and gives her a full body massage
Speaker 2: because Poppy demands it, including a face massage, just gentle
Speaker 2: face massage for until Poppy falls asleep. And sometimes it
Speaker 2: can be an hour plus of just a full body
Speaker 2: massage every single evening for my sister who has already
Speaker 2: given this girl everything throughout the day. And that is
Speaker 2: what that's the kind of attention that And then I
Speaker 2: started crying because I'm like and she's like, why are
Speaker 2: you crying? And I'm like, it's not because I'm like
Speaker 2: I realized what I need. It's because I'm embarrassed that
Speaker 2: I want something a four year old gets and I
Speaker 2: want my sister to be.
Speaker 1: My mommy, like mama. It's so humiliating.
Speaker 2: And she's like, why don't we put the shame on
Speaker 2: the shelf for right now? I'm like, I wish I could.
Speaker 2: If you could just put shame on a shelf and
Speaker 2: let it sit there and fucking grow dust, I would
Speaker 2: I wouldn't be here, lady, Like, I can't put shame
Speaker 2: on a shelf.
Speaker 1: Shame is shame.
Speaker 2: If you can put it away, you would, but you can't.
Speaker 2: And it's so humiliating to feel all these everything that
Speaker 2: I feel I'm humiliated by and even saying this whole thing.
Speaker 2: I'm like, God, people have actual problems in mine? Is
Speaker 2: that like sometimes in the middle of the night, I
Speaker 2: wish my sister would massage my face, and I'm like
Speaker 2: crying about how embarrassing that is, Like people can't pay
Speaker 2: their fucking bills.
Speaker 4: No, but I think everybody has a shame shelf the inside,
Speaker 4: and everyone can relate to this.
Speaker 3: You can't. You gotta put it in a drawer. At
Speaker 3: least you shouldn't put your shame out there for everyone
Speaker 3: to see. It's like the worst place I have.
Speaker 1: Shameful things in my bedside.
Speaker 2: For her, it was already like food and vibrators and
Speaker 2: like toenail clippings.
Speaker 1: No, you're right that I do have a shame.
Speaker 2: It's just it's it's hard to bring up all of
Speaker 2: these things and feel like and to admit that that's
Speaker 2: what you want. Is like your sister to massage your face,
Speaker 2: but not your sister as you know her, like your
Speaker 2: sister is your mom.
Speaker 1: It's like, what the fuck is that? That was a breakthrough?
Speaker 1: But what am I supposed to do with that?
Speaker 3: I always say, who care?
Speaker 2: So tonight she told me if you wake up in
Speaker 2: the middle of the night instead of reaching for food,
Speaker 2: which I do to calm myself, and it gives me
Speaker 2: that like instant, Like I just feel an overwhelming calm
Speaker 2: throughout my body, Like the ocean just like settles. There's
Speaker 2: like a crazy storm and then all of a sudden,
Speaker 2: it's placid waters after I eat something, and there's no
Speaker 2: need for me to do It's not like I'm hungry
Speaker 2: in the middle of the night. This isn't it's some
Speaker 2: kind of chemical release. She was like, Okay, imagine your
Speaker 2: sister massage in your face and like, I gotta fucking
Speaker 2: do that tonight. Like this is so embarrassing to have
Speaker 2: to do these things. Why can't I just sleep through
Speaker 2: the night?
Speaker 4: Yeah, don't go to the embarrassing part, because just try
Speaker 4: to sit with it and be like, all right, I
Speaker 4: need to be soothed. Now, there's everybody wants to be soothed.
Speaker 4: I mean, so many of us don't have to be
Speaker 4: because we're like we have a partner or we have
Speaker 4: a dog. Like you're out there without a partner, you
Speaker 4: don't have your dog, you don't have like a weighted blanket,
Speaker 4: so of course you want to be soothed by stuff.
Speaker 4: You know, anybody would want to be like, I want
Speaker 4: a full body massage now from Lauren.
Speaker 2: Final thought, what what do you guys do to self
Speaker 2: soothe when you get into these like cause I was
Speaker 2: in this session and she was like, the way you're
Speaker 2: rubbing your hand right now, I was like rubbing my
Speaker 2: thumb like this, And then I was playing with my
Speaker 2: hair like this. I was just doing this, like she goes,
Speaker 2: who would do.
Speaker 1: That to you?
Speaker 2: I'm like my grandma, I think would play with my
Speaker 2: hair if I laid in her lap, And I'm like maybe,
Speaker 2: But again I'm four, like why am I reverting?
Speaker 1: It's just feeling like I'm a I'm a woman.
Speaker 2: I should be able to like journal or listen to
Speaker 2: a podcast or meditate, but instead I'm just like I
Speaker 2: want to suck my thumb is kind of how I
Speaker 2: feel about things.
Speaker 1: Did you just what just happened on you?
Speaker 4: You're having a crazy thunderstorm?
Speaker 3: Oh cool?
Speaker 1: Oh my god?
Speaker 4: Do you guys hear it? It's like, no, I'm going
Speaker 4: to jump into our garbage river with.
Speaker 3: Nice. There's a thunderstorm here right now, break he wave.
Speaker 3: In terms of that, I this is one of those
Speaker 3: things that falls into the category of like, yeah, that's
Speaker 3: nice that you learned that, but I just feel like
Speaker 3: it's not practical information. And it's this is why I'm
Speaker 3: like down on therapy right now, because like the fact
Speaker 3: that you know that is like to me doesn't help
Speaker 3: in any way. It's just like, yeah, what you're saying,
Speaker 3: it's like, now you're crying about your grandma said.
Speaker 2: To massage my own face tonight, like the way I
Speaker 2: would think that a good mom would to myself, so
Speaker 2: tonight instead of eating, I'm gonna massage my face.
Speaker 4: Yes, but it's what would you do if you were
Speaker 4: in Nikki's shoes since you don't believe in therapy, Like.
Speaker 3: No, I believe in therapy. I believe in therapy. But
Speaker 3: I'm I am, I am. I think because I believe
Speaker 3: in therapy. That's why I'm being so critical of it.
Speaker 3: And I'm like, can you just prove to me that
Speaker 3: this is good. It's like when you believe in a
Speaker 3: boyfriend or girlfriend but they keep fucking doing stupid shit
Speaker 3: and you're like, please just show me that you're gonna
Speaker 3: be good. But anyway, I I do. I do, Like
Speaker 3: I spend like two hours every night trying to figure
Speaker 3: out there's magic formula to soothe my ache and bones.
Speaker 3: But it never truly.
Speaker 2: Achieved that your anxiety is pain like that manifest and pain.
Speaker 2: It doesn't feel like a roiling sea in your stomach. Yeah, no,
Speaker 2: I don't know how to describe mine, but yours is pain.
Speaker 3: I would much rather go back to the roiling sea
Speaker 3: in my stomach because it manifests in different pains. I
Speaker 3: do rounds, like from like the program that I use DNRS,
Speaker 3: which is basically like putting yourself in a positive memory
Speaker 3: and trying to place yourself in there and just like
Speaker 3: elevating your emotional state artificially and trying to sit in
Speaker 3: that emotional state and then let it travel through your body.
Speaker 3: That's essentially what the rain.
Speaker 2: You're subconsciously doesn't know the difference between a memory and
Speaker 2: like what you're actually feeling, so it can That's that's
Speaker 2: kind of a cool thing. But then I start to
Speaker 2: judge it and go, God, your life was so good
Speaker 2: and that's never gonna happen again. That's like I start
Speaker 2: to grieve that that memory I'm reliving is not well.
Speaker 3: That's why you go into the future. Also, you do
Speaker 3: a past, and then you do a future memory. You
Speaker 3: do something that hasn't happened yet that's going to be
Speaker 3: great in the future. And anything you want. It could
Speaker 3: be imagination, it could be fantasy, or it could be
Speaker 3: like I did, like my wedding day, quite a lot
Speaker 3: when I was leading up to that. Do that you
Speaker 3: can do, you know. I'll do stretches. I'll do yoga
Speaker 3: for like fifteen minutes because sometimes when I fall asleep,
Speaker 3: my legs just feel real tight, you know, And like
Speaker 3: then I and then I gotta sit in my bed
Speaker 3: and then I gotta lift my legs over my head
Speaker 3: and stretch them in the middle of the night. Do
Speaker 3: you ever have to do that? But if I do
Speaker 3: my yoga before bed, then I don't have to do
Speaker 3: that anymore. And then I do all my jaw exercises,
Speaker 3: and then I do my breathing and then I do
Speaker 3: I mean, it's just insane.
Speaker 2: I was doing something exercises last night. I was breathing
Speaker 2: in for it because I was the one that helps
Speaker 2: you go to sleep. Is you breathe in for seven counts,
Speaker 2: you hold it for four, breathe out for eight, breathe
Speaker 2: in for seven, hold it for four breathe out for eight,
Speaker 2: and that does calm my nervous system quite a bit. Yeah,
Speaker 2: but then I get really bored doing it, and I'd
Speaker 2: start to resent that I have to do it, just
Speaker 2: like any exercise. I guess, hmm, what else is there
Speaker 2: to do in the middle of the night, Anya, What do
Speaker 2: you do when you can't sleep?
Speaker 4: I have woken up Matt before and tried to talk
Speaker 4: things out, which has helped. But what really helps is
Speaker 4: writing out all my worries, because then I'm like, Okay,
Speaker 4: these are concrete, there's nothing more to think about because
Speaker 4: I've written them all out. And then if I can't
Speaker 4: think of anymore, sometimes I just fall asleep because it's
Speaker 4: like when I'm thinking and obsessing, it always feels like
Speaker 4: there's a new one. Oh, there's a new one. Oh
Speaker 4: my parents are aging? What am I going to do
Speaker 4: with them?
Speaker 1: What about?
Speaker 4: What do I have to do for work? What about money?
Speaker 4: What about this? What about this conflict I had with somebody?
Speaker 4: And then but when I write it all out, sometimes
Speaker 4: it's like, all right, so there's twenty three things I'm
Speaker 4: worried about. Now what And then it's kind of like
Speaker 4: my brain exhausts itself and I can finally go to sleep.
Speaker 4: But insomnia is a bitch. When my parents were here
Speaker 4: and leading up to the wedding, I did not sleep
Speaker 4: for two weeks and I developed bags under the bags
Speaker 4: in my eyes. So all my wedding photos, I look
Speaker 4: ten years older than I am. It's wild. And then
Speaker 4: like the day after my wedding, I looked amazing because
Speaker 4: I slept.
Speaker 1: I disagree. I think you look amazing in your wedding photos.
Speaker 2: Whatever was happening for you that day, like it counteracted
Speaker 2: how tired you were.
Speaker 4: But I definitely thought of Brian a lot, how he
Speaker 4: didn't sleep a wink before the wedding, and I was
Speaker 4: just like, just lean into this. This is just how
Speaker 4: you just have insomnia right now and you won't in
Speaker 4: the future.
Speaker 3: Is it worth it to get married?
Speaker 2: Getting me like you have to put your life on
Speaker 2: ques you stopped songwriting you wed?
Speaker 1: Are you getting married weeks the wedding?
Speaker 2: Because I have to say, based on the stress that
Speaker 2: I've seen, and even though you both say it was
Speaker 2: one of the it was the best day of your life,
Speaker 2: I don't think I want to do what you guys
Speaker 2: did to yourselves.
Speaker 3: That's true. For many people. Well, the thing you got
Speaker 3: to remember about me is that I feel that way anyway,
Speaker 3: even without a wedding. So the wedding was just like
Speaker 3: a nice little bonus, and it was I feel like
Speaker 3: it's similar to when people have kids and then they
Speaker 3: see and then you look at them and you're like,
Speaker 3: you're not sleeping at all, and you can't do anything
Speaker 3: and all your hobbies are dead now and you have
Speaker 3: to put your career on pause, and then they still
Speaker 3: say that it's it was. I would never change it
Speaker 3: for the world. I feel like that about my wedding,
Speaker 3: where it's like, yeah, it was a lot of work
Speaker 3: and I took a lot of effort, and there was
Speaker 3: a lot of stress and I didn't sleep. But I
Speaker 3: loved my wedding. I loved the day. It was the
Speaker 3: best day of my life and I would not change
Speaker 3: it for the world. Maybecause I don't.
Speaker 2: Really have the best day of my life either, and
Speaker 2: I'd like to maybe have one where I'm like, that
Speaker 2: was the best day, and like what did you say
Speaker 2: before that day?
Speaker 1: What was the best day of your life for both
Speaker 1: of you?
Speaker 2: Because Anya, I know you said your wedding was also
Speaker 2: the best day of your life.
Speaker 4: I mean definitely, like certain dates with Matt have been
Speaker 4: the best ever, or like I remember a memory with
Speaker 4: my mom and my dad and my sister in San
Speaker 4: Diego and we all like got We went to this
Speaker 4: fucking resort for a day and got massages and we
Speaker 4: were in the swimming pool and we were just giggling.
Speaker 4: We could not we got the giggle fits. And I
Speaker 4: just never will forget that moment of like uncontrollably laughing
Speaker 4: in a swimming pool with my family. Girls trips so fun,
Speaker 4: just like laughing on girls trips, the Hampton's Palm Springs
Speaker 4: girls trip. Where else have we got New York? Oh
Speaker 4: my god, So so many fun laughing girls.
Speaker 1: Days of my life.
Speaker 3: Yeah. For me, I think it was probably the day
Speaker 3: Trump got elected. Just kidding, No, I know. It's it's
Speaker 3: truly like you have a bunch of moments that are like,
Speaker 3: these are amazing moments, and I use those in my rounds,
Speaker 3: But truly the wedding stands head and shoulders above all
Speaker 3: those moments. So it really is like a clear number
Speaker 3: one front runner out of all the trips and all
Speaker 3: the family events and all the beautiful moments. And there
Speaker 3: was also great moments leading up to the wedding, like
Speaker 3: the bachelor party and stuff like that. That and the
Speaker 3: and the engagement that also just add to the whole thing.
Speaker 3: But there's it's such a unique feeling to have like
Speaker 3: everyone in your life from all the different eras of
Speaker 3: your life to.
Speaker 2: Taylor Swift, everybody, everybody from all the different eras of
Speaker 2: your life.
Speaker 3: Everyone who's ever loved you is in the same place
Speaker 3: at the same time for the same purpose, just there
Speaker 3: for you out.
Speaker 4: Because yeah, there's only one problem. Nikki has already had
Speaker 4: many like quasi weddings in her life.
Speaker 1: She's done. Yeah, but not.
Speaker 4: I've never had all the people I love in one place,
Speaker 4: and I would say, you've gotten close to that pageant.
Speaker 4: It wouldn't I wouldn't anyone else at the like.
Speaker 2: Yes, I've had many events where if there was if
Speaker 2: my aunt was there, it wouldn't make it better.
Speaker 1: I'll tell you that, like a distant cousin. You're not
Speaker 1: going to take this any better.
Speaker 2: No, I guess I just don't care about having every
Speaker 2: person because there's just it's I would be stretched too thin.
Speaker 2: And I think that's always the problem with weddings, is
Speaker 2: like you don't get to have even you said on you,
Speaker 2: you didn't get to have any meaningful conversations with a
Speaker 2: lot of people that you're like. They flew all this
Speaker 2: way and I just all I could talk to them
Speaker 2: about was like what dish they liked best?
Speaker 1: Well, were like how hot it was or whatever.
Speaker 4: That was a fifteen moment of post wedding, postpartum blues
Speaker 4: of you know, I had a wave of that of like,
Speaker 4: oh my god, I can't believe my friend Heather from
Speaker 4: Portland came and it barely got to talk to her
Speaker 4: and I haven't seen her in years, and but then
Speaker 4: it passed. It really was fucking the most insane day
Speaker 4: just to have such a small group of people that
Speaker 4: I love all together and it's like, it's all about you,
Speaker 4: It's all about your love. You get to I heard
Speaker 4: all these things from Matt I'd never heard before. I
Speaker 4: was like, what. And it's just so tender that you.
Speaker 2: Have to spend weeks of your life not sleeping so
Speaker 2: you can get your husband to tell you how he
Speaker 2: really feels. Not I mean, like, why do we have
Speaker 2: to go through all of that to get I just
Speaker 2: maybe I'm.
Speaker 4: Before, but you're right it was like that was a
Speaker 4: part of me that was like, why you wait till today?
Speaker 4: But it was very h I don't know, like maybe
Speaker 4: that was his trump card too. It wasn't even like
Speaker 4: he said anything. I've never heard it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I also think not to speak for Chris, but
Speaker 3: I feel like there's a chance that he wouldn't like
Speaker 3: it either, Like he would are.
Speaker 1: You kidding me? He's such a sum to fucking yeah,
Speaker 1: super host.
Speaker 3: I think he'd be so stressed out or no, he
Speaker 3: would organizing everything.
Speaker 2: He loves the stress of organizing and hosting. It's his element. Okay,
Speaker 2: I will not see him on our wedding day. I
Speaker 2: will barely talk to him. I will be like a
Speaker 2: distant aunt to him. He will be and I've let
Speaker 2: him know this. I'm like, I'm stressed out about marrying
Speaker 2: you because I don't feel like I'll see you the
Speaker 2: whole day and I'll feel like it will just be
Speaker 2: about us, like making sure everyone's wheelchair is in the right.
Speaker 3: Like.
Speaker 2: The saddest thing to me about weddings is seeing old
Speaker 2: distant ants have to get on flights and like sit
Speaker 2: in an uncomfortable flight to go watch this niece that
Speaker 2: they haven't thought about in twenty five years getting married,
Speaker 2: and like they should be just like relaxing and doing
Speaker 2: their cross to be like huh what, and like there's
Speaker 2: a lot of like crowing going on and like they
Speaker 2: have to put on like a fucking dress, and it's
Speaker 2: like just let them fucking die without without adding stress
Speaker 2: to their life.
Speaker 1: Like that bothers me.
Speaker 3: That's why if you ever see an elderly woman on
Speaker 3: an airplane, you need to help them, because they are
Speaker 3: on that plane for some reason that is really important
Speaker 3: to them, and they don't and they can't get their
Speaker 3: bag out of the top thing, and they're supposed to
Speaker 3: be a wheelchair waiting for them, but it's never there.
Speaker 3: Help old ladies on planes and subways.
Speaker 4: If you see an elderly person with a suitcase on
Speaker 4: a subway, please help them up the stairs.
Speaker 1: Elderly people in general.
Speaker 2: You just got what about this, you guys the other
Speaker 2: day speaking of this, and then we'll really leave. I
Speaker 2: was at the baggage claim and from my periphery, this
Speaker 2: woman looked very able bodied, like you know when you
Speaker 2: just see someone just the shape of them, and I'm like,
Speaker 2: this woman's in her thirties, right, and then I saw
Speaker 2: her struggling with the bag and I gave it a
Speaker 2: second look, and her face was.
Speaker 1: Old as the hills.
Speaker 2: She was an old woman, but she presented as a
Speaker 2: thirty year old, and I felt so rude that I
Speaker 2: didn't as soon as I saw that she was old
Speaker 2: as shit, I was like, oh my god, let me
Speaker 2: like assist you with this bag.
Speaker 1: And I almost felt like.
Speaker 2: Saying, but you looked so young at first, like I
Speaker 2: can't say that I saw your fucking old face until
Speaker 2: I saw your rotted apple face and now but I
Speaker 2: was like, she's okay. I felt like telling her that,
Speaker 2: like you present as young until you turned around. Yeah,
Speaker 2: but yeah, I always.
Speaker 3: Help old people party in the back, old hag in
Speaker 3: the front.
Speaker 2: But then I think a lot of times old people
Speaker 2: are like insulted that you're helping them because they're totally fine.
Speaker 2: I e my mom, like can't nick, I got it,
Speaker 2: this is my bag, I got it.
Speaker 4: Elderly what she's not elderly though we're talking like seventies.
Speaker 2: A broken woman. She said that many times herself, and
Speaker 2: I'm always your home old. Like when I'm sixty seven,
Speaker 2: whatever my mom is, I think i'll be like, I'm old.
Speaker 2: I hope that I asked for a sixty seven not screened.
Speaker 2: But we got in a big fight because I was like,
Speaker 2: I try to. I have for years hired someone to
Speaker 2: clean her house for her every not for years, maybe
Speaker 2: like a two years a year plus. Hired my cleaning
Speaker 2: woman to clean her house every other week. Because my
Speaker 2: mom is always cleaned the house. It is like the
Speaker 2: bane of her existence. It's constantly a thing that's worrying
Speaker 2: on her mind.
Speaker 1: EJ. Get the shit out of the dead. Oh you're tracking.
Speaker 2: Stuff in I just fucking mopped that. I just well,
Speaker 2: I just vacuumed in here. Can you please stop traps?
Speaker 2: And like it's that's the reason I can do. My
Speaker 2: mom's impression so well is that's all I heard. My
Speaker 2: childhood is her just I just clean that. Now I'm
Speaker 2: gonna have to reclean it. You guys are the shit everywhere.
Speaker 2: This is fucking ridiculous, know. So I got her as
Speaker 2: soon as I can afford it. I was like, I'm
Speaker 2: gonna get you a maid. I would do it every
Speaker 2: other day for her. It is not that expensive to
Speaker 2: what I and my mom's like, I wouldn't want anyone
Speaker 2: spending this much money, we're not doing it.
Speaker 1: And my dad's in the back room.
Speaker 6: Going and you don't even understand. She has to clean
Speaker 6: the house for two days before this woman even shows up.
Speaker 6: It adds more stress to her life. And I'm like, Mom,
Speaker 6: what do you what can I do? She won't take help?
Speaker 6: What do you do?
Speaker 2: She just said, I've said, I'm well, I'm gonna pay
Speaker 2: her to not do it, then, so you're just wasting
Speaker 2: my money. I'm gonna pay her every other week, however
Speaker 2: much money it is. I'm gonna look, I'm gonna I'm
Speaker 2: gonna tell her to charge me for those vemos whether
Speaker 2: she comes or not.
Speaker 1: So you're just throwing money out the door.
Speaker 2: And that's how she's like, fine, if you're not doing that,
Speaker 2: I go I will do that because I want I
Speaker 2: want to support her business.
Speaker 1: And so now my mom.
Speaker 2: Is forced to have her house cleaned up for them
Speaker 2: because otherwise this woman gets paid for doing nothing.
Speaker 3: Damn.
Speaker 4: It sounds like she's afraid of having someone in our house.
Speaker 4: Like there's a deeper fear here.
Speaker 1: Oh, my mom's greatest fear is that everyone's trying to
Speaker 1: steal everything all the time from house and hide jewelry
Speaker 1: and hides money and hides things and then forgets where
Speaker 1: she hides it. And so there's gonna be there. It's
Speaker 1: gonna be a fucking treasure dig the gold rush when
Speaker 1: we finally when they move out, we're going to find
Speaker 1: things all over.
Speaker 4: She stole my my stuffed crow. Yes, always like, what
Speaker 4: do you think people are going to steal?
Speaker 2: The floor here has arrow heads, and I'm like, these
Speaker 2: are no wants.
Speaker 1: No one wants arrow heads. They're not God. You could
Speaker 1: buy them on eBay. They're not even priced that.
Speaker 3: I scout cleaning your eyes where I have to go.
Speaker 2: Thank you guys for listening to the show this week.
Speaker 2: We really, we really dug up some stuff today and
Speaker 2: I appreciate you guys listening to my inner psyche and
Speaker 2: my inner child meeting face massages.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening. Don't Beka and just
Speaker 1: keep going to therapy.
Speaker 4: Don't