Speaker 1: Hey there are folks is July twenty ninth, and one
Speaker 1: of our readers, listeners fans calls himself Chen. He wrote
Speaker 1: into us asking for some relationship advice. You see, he
Speaker 1: says he's been dating a woman and she loves him
Speaker 1: more than he loves her, and he's asking should he
Speaker 1: settle for this or should he dumper and start all over?
Speaker 1: Robock and I had the same initial gut reaction to this,
Speaker 1: which was did he just use the word settle? And
Speaker 1: with that welcome to this relationship. Addition, this ask Amy
Speaker 1: and TJ edition of Amy and TJ based on our
Speaker 1: Yahoo column and this this question wrote, I think I
Speaker 1: might be more torn on this one than any other
Speaker 1: one we've received.
Speaker 2: Really, so the title of this week's Yahoo column is
Speaker 2: my girlfriend loves me more than I love her? Should
Speaker 2: I settle at twenty seven?
Speaker 3: Or move on?
Speaker 2: And look, I think when you've lived enough life you
Speaker 2: realize you don't have to settle.
Speaker 3: But early on in my life I might not have.
Speaker 2: Articulated that, but I think a lot of people feel
Speaker 2: that way. They're afraid that they're going to miss out
Speaker 2: on a relationship, on children, on a family, on just
Speaker 2: being settled literally, and so they settle so that they
Speaker 2: can be settled. And it's one of those A bird
Speaker 2: in the hand is we know, they say better than
Speaker 2: two in the bush or.
Speaker 3: Something like that. But people always wonder is the grass greener?
Speaker 3: Could I do better?
Speaker 2: But if you're asking yourself those questions dot dot dot, can't.
Speaker 1: They be legitimate questions? Can't you have a legitimate something
Speaker 1: in you is thinking that there's something better out there?
Speaker 1: Can that not be dangerous? And that's why I'm torn,
Speaker 1: because no matter what we have, we always think we
Speaker 1: got something better. You know, you can find something better.
Speaker 1: And who knows what this woman is and how great?
Speaker 1: And if he doesn't have butterflies in his stomach, then
Speaker 1: that means he is settling. I don't know about all
Speaker 1: of that, So I think it could be a good thing,
Speaker 1: and it can absolutely be a bad thing. It can
Speaker 1: bring you great joy and things on the other side,
Speaker 1: and then called you to realize what you gave up
Speaker 1: or missed out.
Speaker 2: My mom always told me there's always going to be
Speaker 2: someone better looking, someone smarter, someone richer, someone more interesting.
Speaker 1: Keeps telling me that every time we discuss us.
Speaker 3: But she told me this throughout my life.
Speaker 2: That if you're always looking for someone who's got something
Speaker 2: better to offer, you're never going to be satisfied. At
Speaker 2: a certain point, you make your decision about what works
Speaker 2: for you. And at the end of the day, this
Speaker 2: doesn't sound exciting or passionate. I remember this really bothered me,
Speaker 2: and we've talked about this, you and I, TJ.
Speaker 3: My mom told me. Love is a decision. Love is
Speaker 3: a choice.
Speaker 2: It's not a feeling. Lust is a feeling. Being in
Speaker 2: love might be a feeling, But ultimately, if you want
Speaker 2: to be with someone and you want to have a
Speaker 2: partner in life, and you want to have a teammate
Speaker 2: and you want a family, you choose it. And you
Speaker 2: have to choose through moments where it's tough and hard,
Speaker 2: and yeah, it might be tempting to say what else
Speaker 2: is out there?
Speaker 3: And we've all thought that.
Speaker 1: Of course, iddy want to hear that not but it's hard.
Speaker 1: It's crap. Butterflies, you do it. Butterflies talk about a decision.
Speaker 1: Love is a decision.
Speaker 3: No, no, no, no no.
Speaker 1: Love leaves me all the flood. It makes me float
Speaker 1: during the day. Love has me sending more text messages
Speaker 1: than I probably should. Love. Yes, Love that's what love is.
Speaker 1: Don't tell me every day I get up and I
Speaker 1: have to make a conscious decision. Okay, I'm a love
Speaker 1: of day.
Speaker 2: I don't think every day you have to make that decision.
Speaker 2: My dad to say that they've been married fifty plus
Speaker 2: years though, so I get it. But the point being,
Speaker 2: I think in moments you have to choose. In moments
Speaker 2: you have to say not if you wake up every
Speaker 2: day going, oh my god.
Speaker 3: Do I have to be with this person? That's the
Speaker 3: whole other issue.
Speaker 1: You're saying it, bro, You're not saying it the right way.
Speaker 1: You said just simply every day you're making a decision.
Speaker 1: I want to be here and I want to be
Speaker 1: with that person.
Speaker 3: Yes, that's not romantic, but I think that's realistic. And
Speaker 3: I think we have this.
Speaker 2: I think we have this idea, this Disney version idea
Speaker 2: of what a relationship is and what love is right
Speaker 2: off into the sunset. Yes, and you just always just
Speaker 2: embrace each other with love excitement.
Speaker 1: You're describing love?
Speaker 3: Yes, exactly what?
Speaker 2: Okay, all right, here's the actual here's the actual question
Speaker 2: that was written into us by Chin. I will read
Speaker 2: the full one. It's a short one. So no, big
Speaker 2: deal here, Amy and TJ. I realize I might sound
Speaker 2: like a jerk.
Speaker 3: But here's my question.
Speaker 2: Should I be with someone who's really into me if
Speaker 2: I don't want them as much back? Or should I
Speaker 2: wait to find someone I'd really like to be with
Speaker 2: but will have to work to win over. I'm a
Speaker 2: twenty seven year old zoomer deciding whether to settle for
Speaker 2: my current partner or start over and keep looking.
Speaker 3: What should I do? China?
Speaker 1: Does he sound like a jerk?
Speaker 2: I think he sounds like he's honest, and I don't
Speaker 2: think he's being a jerk. And I think people jump
Speaker 2: to that very quickly, like how dare you? But if
Speaker 2: everyone is truly honest with themselves, you've had that thought,
Speaker 2: that thought has come into your mind. That is a
Speaker 2: human thought. And I don't think we should fault people
Speaker 2: for being honest.
Speaker 1: How often do you have it?
Speaker 2: I don't, look, I have had it plenty in my life,
Speaker 2: throughout my life. No, No, it's I don't really No
Speaker 2: hourly you missed it?
Speaker 3: How about you? How about you?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: You know I've never been in relationship with thinking I
Speaker 1: could do something better. It's only I take stock of
Speaker 1: the current relationship I'll look at it and say I
Speaker 1: don't want to be here, this isn't working or is
Speaker 1: this going to work? But I'm not thinking I want
Speaker 1: something better. I want somebody who's more like this or
Speaker 1: more like that.
Speaker 2: Well, I'm thinking when you're making that decision whether or
Speaker 2: not to propose, whether or not to move in, whether
Speaker 2: or not you know that next step, I think that's
Speaker 2: when people start questioning this.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, in those moments as well, breakups immediately follow.
Speaker 3: Okay, okay, and that's a good points. My guess that's it.
Speaker 1: But you should ask the question, can he have this
Speaker 1: conversation with her? Or how do you have this conversation
Speaker 1: with her? Because that's you can't have that conversation without
Speaker 1: hurt feelings being the result.
Speaker 2: Yes, but I think you have to have the conversation
Speaker 2: or you have to break up. It's one or the other.
Speaker 2: I don't think you just bury that because I think
Speaker 2: you have to be able if you can't have an
Speaker 2: honest conversation with your partner. And I know this is
Speaker 2: a hard conversation and it's really really, really tough, but
Speaker 2: to keep it to yourself and hope that your feelings
Speaker 2: might grow. I think when you've been in enough long
Speaker 2: term relationships like you and I have been, and a
Speaker 2: lot of you listening are in. If early on you're
Speaker 2: already feeling like you're settling, I believe it turns then
Speaker 2: into resentment and full blown anger and depression later, because
Speaker 2: it leads to negative things. If you're burying and suppressing
Speaker 2: this notion that somehow and your things king you might
Speaker 2: better early on in your relationship, that's when it's supposed
Speaker 2: to be rainbows and butterflies and I can't wait to
Speaker 2: be with this person. That spend the rest of my
Speaker 2: life with this person.
Speaker 1: He didn't suggest I'm overlooking. He didn't say how long
Speaker 1: they might be together.
Speaker 2: He didn't, but he was obviously he's twenty seven, and
Speaker 2: he's obviously at a point where probably, if I had
Speaker 2: to guess, she's thinking, hey, are you going to put
Speaker 2: a ring on it? I want to have babies, I
Speaker 2: want to like you know this is that's a time
Speaker 2: in a lot of women's life. I know I was
Speaker 2: in that boat right there. I mean, I don't want
Speaker 2: to speak for all women. Certainly today's women are very
Speaker 2: different than maybe my generation, but that is a point
Speaker 2: in which you usually start to think, if you've been
Speaker 2: with someone for a couple of years, hey, what's happening here?
Speaker 2: Are we actually going to do this?
Speaker 1: Are we wrong to size up relationships this way? Because
Speaker 1: I have given advice before and I do believe it,
Speaker 1: and people who have been at this point that I say,
Speaker 1: why are you letting perfect to get in the way
Speaker 1: of good? Because we do? And I think, if you
Speaker 1: have your standard and it has to be this, this, this,
Speaker 1: and this, knock yourself out. But sometimes there are unreasonable standards.
Speaker 1: And if there is, he doesn't have one thing. Like
Speaker 1: I've said before, I needed somebody who's six y two
Speaker 1: and this dude's only five to nine, then I don't
Speaker 1: want him. Fine, if that's for you, But are we
Speaker 1: Is there a threat or a challenge sometime or a
Speaker 1: danger in letting perfect get in the way of perfectly good?
Speaker 2: Absolutely when you can. When you're too picky, yeah, you
Speaker 2: run into problems. I actually was just seeing this the
Speaker 2: other day. Gabby Bernstein, who I love and who's been
Speaker 2: on the podcast. If you haven't listened to our podcast
Speaker 2: with her, please check it out. She's amazing. But she
Speaker 2: talked about how women. She was speaking mostly to women,
Speaker 2: but men to you should put a list, maybe even
Speaker 2: when you're in the dating world or when you're in
Speaker 2: a relationship, of your non negotiables. But it should be
Speaker 2: a short list. It shouldn't be he needs to be
Speaker 2: six feet tall. He needs to be you know, tall,
Speaker 2: dark and handsome. No, we're talking. He's kind, he's flexible,
Speaker 2: he's deferential. Whatever it is that you need, he's even
Speaker 2: if it's he can support me whatever it is you have.
Speaker 2: And she said it shouldn't be more than like five things,
Speaker 2: and it shouldn't be anything physical. But you can have
Speaker 2: your non negotiables, and then you can have would like
Speaker 2: to have, and the would like to have could be
Speaker 2: some of those other attributes. But when you actually look
Speaker 2: at your list, ask yourself, am I being reasonable?
Speaker 3: And is this you know?
Speaker 2: But really take hard steck and recognize you're not going
Speaker 2: to get everything. No one's perfect. You're not perfect, No
Speaker 2: relationship is perfect, and certainly the person you're with is
Speaker 2: going to have flaws or things you don't like about them.
Speaker 1: You're going to get into some of the comments that
Speaker 1: we got from a lot of folks on the article
Speaker 1: with this. I didn't give this advice at the time
Speaker 1: when we did the article, but I'm thinking of it now.
Speaker 1: This is the advice that we give get out of
Speaker 1: that relationship today, not for you, but for her. It's
Speaker 1: not wasting your time. If she is around the same
Speaker 1: age and she is thinking about those things, your head
Speaker 1: is already here. You actually owe her, or it would
Speaker 1: be I know it seems mean to break up with her,
Speaker 1: but you're being kind. I agree, not wasting another year
Speaker 1: or two or whatever of our life. You stay with
Speaker 1: another year, another two, then she got to get over
Speaker 1: for another six months, another year.
Speaker 2: Just go ahead, And I think sometimes people need permission
Speaker 2: to leave. They feel bad, they know what's going to
Speaker 2: hurt that person, but they're going to hurt them much
Speaker 2: worse if they stay in and aren't honest with them.
Speaker 1: So I didn't go through it again. It's been a theme.
Speaker 1: So the comments, you're seeing a lot of guys.
Speaker 3: Again, Yeah, really a lot of guys.
Speaker 1: Because Yahoo has a big guy readership.
Speaker 3: They certainly do.
Speaker 2: Welcome back to the ask Amy and TJ edition of
Speaker 2: our podcast where we go over our weekly Yahoo relationship
Speaker 2: advice column, and we have a question that came to
Speaker 2: us from a reader who was asking he's a twenty
Speaker 2: seven year old zoomer, he says, and he's deciding whether
Speaker 2: or not he should settle for his current partner or
Speaker 2: start over and keep looking. He says, he understands or wait,
Speaker 2: the way he sees it, she likes him or loves
Speaker 2: him a lot more than he loves her. And the
Speaker 2: comments were well plentiful, I should say that, and there
Speaker 2: were a lot of folks who had some differing opinions.
Speaker 2: We'll start with monk iman O seven. I don't know
Speaker 2: monkeyman O seven. He says, this, Oh, this is very
Speaker 2: much like what my mom said. Love is a choice.
Speaker 2: Lust is a heart flutter. Don't confuse the two. It
Speaker 2: is commitment and a willingness to let go of your
Speaker 2: selfishness and self centeredness for the greater good of a
Speaker 2: long term relationship. Sometimes it is also a spiritual journey
Speaker 2: in learning to let go of resentments and see where
Speaker 2: we need.
Speaker 3: To grow through our choice to love our partner.
Speaker 1: Okay, he makes it sound like love is all self
Speaker 1: contained and that you're making a decision after you've already
Speaker 1: come to a good place in your own life to
Speaker 1: share that with someone. You're making a choice, and that's
Speaker 1: I think that's fine ways some people see it, but
Speaker 1: it's not romantic at all. It's not that fantasy I've
Speaker 1: been seeing since I was a kid.
Speaker 2: It can love be a heart flutter too. He said
Speaker 2: love is a choice. Lust is a heart flutter.
Speaker 1: But I think that's where we get messed up in
Speaker 1: that we don't think we have the love because our
Speaker 1: heart doesn't have the lust. And you can use lose
Speaker 1: that lust and still have the love. But I think
Speaker 1: we want to feel something. We want to feel excited
Speaker 1: when we see our partner when we haven't talked to mowat,
Speaker 1: when you phone buzzes and you look down and it's
Speaker 1: that person you want.
Speaker 2: To feel that do I feel like and maybe this
Speaker 2: is the romantic in me. I do feel like both
Speaker 2: can be the same. They won't always be present. You're
Speaker 2: not always gonna feel lustful towards your partner twenty years
Speaker 2: down the road, thirty years down the.
Speaker 3: Road, but you still will feel that. It just won't be.
Speaker 2: Maybe as strong and as fast and furious as it
Speaker 2: was in the beginning, but it's still If it's completely gone,
Speaker 2: if the flame is out, I think that's really tough
Speaker 2: to manage that and to continue that choice.
Speaker 3: It feels like a burden. I do feel like.
Speaker 2: It's I think it's okay to believe and to know
Speaker 2: that you can have both. Maybe not as strong as before,
Speaker 2: but do you agree.
Speaker 3: I think that that you can't have both. I think
Speaker 3: you should.
Speaker 2: Still be able to feel that desire and that lust
Speaker 2: towards the person you love, even decades later. And I
Speaker 2: think some people absolutely say that's true. Some people think
Speaker 2: it's a fantasy.
Speaker 1: Well, this apparently love is a fantasy according to this episode.
Speaker 1: Can we get through this because this is really turning
Speaker 1: me off?
Speaker 3: Okay, we'll move on.
Speaker 2: Next to Andrew's comment, he says, the question is do
Speaker 2: you think too much of yourself? Have you tried loving
Speaker 2: her the way she needs rather than just thinking about yourself?
Speaker 2: Do you make a good pair? Do you compliment each
Speaker 2: other when difficult decisions come? Will you be able to
Speaker 2: come to an agreement? The reason why our society is
Speaker 2: anxious and depressed is that they think too much about
Speaker 2: what they think they need or deserve. This doesn't lead
Speaker 2: to good mental health. Think about what you do well
Speaker 2: and try to do it. Give your life for others.
Speaker 2: Life is not easy. What you need is someone that
Speaker 2: is stable and you can count on that person also
Speaker 2: needs to count on you.
Speaker 1: That was good and well thought out. But he makes
Speaker 1: a good point where how do we find this balance
Speaker 1: of Often times we're told we do need to focus
Speaker 1: on ourselves, we shouldn't settle for less. I think that's
Speaker 1: something that women, certainly, and the themes in recent years
Speaker 1: has been there. So we are pounding into everybody's head
Speaker 1: that if you settle for anything less, then you are
Speaker 1: doing a disservice to yourself, that that's not taking care
Speaker 1: of yourself. But love is supposed to be selfless. At
Speaker 1: the same time, we're talking about you should be focused
Speaker 1: on the other person, not you. So what do we
Speaker 1: make of that?
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean well thought. I actually this one.
Speaker 2: I've I had an AHA moment when I read his
Speaker 2: Andrew's comment because I thought this was so interesting.
Speaker 3: All the shows we watch.
Speaker 2: How often do we hear I deserve better, you deserve better.
Speaker 2: It's this whole concept of deserve and need. And he
Speaker 2: does make a good point that our where our mental
Speaker 2: health in this nation is not going the way in
Speaker 2: the direction we wanted to. It's getting worse, it's not
Speaker 2: getting better despite all the prescription pills available, all the
Speaker 2: mental health centers open, all the hotlines, all the therapists,
Speaker 2: people talk openly about it. Somehow we're not getting better,
Speaker 2: and maybe it is this sole focus on ourselves and
Speaker 2: our needs instead of focusing on others.
Speaker 3: I've well done.
Speaker 2: All right, let's move on now to elle Cat here.
Speaker 2: And by the way, all of these comments, most of
Speaker 2: them were really lengthy. People had a lot to say
Speaker 2: about Chin's question. El Cat says this well for starters.
Speaker 2: Number one, don't use someone and string them along and
Speaker 2: keep them as a placeholder until something better comes along.
Speaker 3: It's not nice. Number two.
Speaker 2: The grass isn't always greener on the other side. Number three.
Speaker 2: With my second point, you might end up breaking up
Speaker 2: meeting someone new and then actually settling just to realize
Speaker 2: one year or five years into the marriage that this
Speaker 2: person isn't who you thought they were, or you're actually
Speaker 2: not compatible. Sometimes that garner's resentment, which is a terrible feeling.
Speaker 2: My advice is to break up with your girlfriend and
Speaker 2: spare her wasted time in a relationship where she is
Speaker 2: not valued or loved. Then stay single and work on
Speaker 2: yourself and figure out who you are before making any
Speaker 2: type of long term commitment such as marriage.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's good advice. Twenty seven still figuring things out
Speaker 1: in all likelihood, but he's probably not sure not you know.
Speaker 1: I don't think someone older would have sent this question
Speaker 1: in because they would have known who they are and
Speaker 1: what they want and how they feel, and they would
Speaker 1: also have enough relationship experience and know this thing going
Speaker 1: in the right direction. I bet this very much has
Speaker 1: to do with the age on this one. Not a
Speaker 1: bad thing, but there's experience you still need to gain
Speaker 1: at twenty seven years old.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and we say this, we say this to chin
Speaker 2: having both gotten married at twenty three.
Speaker 3: Okay, and so we get it.
Speaker 2: We at twenty three and even the next time around,
Speaker 2: like it's just you're still.
Speaker 3: Figuring out who you are.
Speaker 2: So I thought that was great advice from el kat
Speaker 2: Right John writes this, I hate the word settle when
Speaker 2: it comes to romance. Are you looking at people as
Speaker 2: commodities that you can upgrade? You either like someone and
Speaker 2: are happy with who they are, or you're not. If
Speaker 2: you're with someone for what they bring to the table,
Speaker 2: then relationships are business decisions for you. Be upfront about
Speaker 2: that fact when you're dating to properly align expectations when
Speaker 2: I hear she likes me more than I like her.
Speaker 2: Everybody expresses their affections differently. If the mismatch causes conflict
Speaker 2: and can't be resolved, move on. But the question of
Speaker 2: should I settle really indicates you no longer want to
Speaker 2: be with your partner.
Speaker 1: Now focusing on the word settle, and again, not to
Speaker 1: insult chin, but it sounds like something from someone who
Speaker 1: is insecure. It sounds like from someone who is unsure
Speaker 1: of themselves because they're trying to measure in some way,
Speaker 1: and you're making yourself feel better by saying someone doesn't
Speaker 1: measure up. And it's always a dangerous thing for people
Speaker 1: to do. The drum major instinct from MLK right, it's
Speaker 1: one of the we always want to be special and
Speaker 1: feel out front, and the way that most people do
Speaker 1: it is you have to make somebody feel less than
Speaker 1: You have to put somebody down first to make yourself
Speaker 1: feel better. He's insulting her in this way. He's comparing
Speaker 1: almost call and putting himself up on a pedestal like
Speaker 1: I'm special and yeah she's crazy about me, but I
Speaker 1: don't like her. It's a weird childish thing to do.
Speaker 1: Almost again, not insulting Chin, but it just sounds familiar.
Speaker 1: And whoever just wrote in kind of kind of made
Speaker 1: that point for me that I hadn't considered.
Speaker 2: Yeah, because it does sound more like a business transaction
Speaker 2: where you're comparing what you've got with what she's got,
Speaker 2: with how she's feeling, with how you're feeling. But if
Speaker 2: you're already going there and already doing that, and I
Speaker 2: think everyone it sounds like from everyone that I read
Speaker 2: putting in a comment, and certainly what our advice was,
Speaker 2: I think it's pretty universal. At this point, Chin needs
Speaker 2: to break up with his girlfriend and do it. Is
Speaker 2: exactly for her sake one hundred percent, and the probably
Speaker 2: the reason why he's staying is for his sake because
Speaker 2: it feels safe and it feels comfortable. But Jin, we
Speaker 2: think you need to move on and it's the best
Speaker 2: thing you can do for your girlfriend and for yourself.
Speaker 2: Well with that, folks, thank you so much for listening
Speaker 2: to us. And please, if you haven't checked out the column,
Speaker 2: it's in the Yahoo Life section ask Amy and TJ,
Speaker 2: and please feel free to leave a comment. We love
Speaker 2: reading them and we certainly hope you love listening to
Speaker 2: or at least listening to us here, but reading the
Speaker 2: columns that come out every Monday on the Yahoo Life section.
Speaker 2: So thanks for listening to us right now. We hope
Speaker 2: you have a wonderful Tuesday. I'm Amy robot on behalf
Speaker 2: of my partner TJ.
Speaker 3: Holmes. We'll see you tomorrow