WEBVTT - Are You Settling For Your Current Partner? 0:00:01.920 --> 0:00:04.760 Hey there are folks is July twenty ninth, and one 0:00:04.840 --> 0:00:09.680 of our readers, listeners fans calls himself Chen. He wrote 0:00:09.680 --> 0:00:12.920 into us asking for some relationship advice. You see, he 0:00:12.960 --> 0:00:16.880 says he's been dating a woman and she loves him 0:00:17.760 --> 0:00:21.759 more than he loves her, and he's asking should he 0:00:22.000 --> 0:00:26.599 settle for this or should he dumper and start all over? 0:00:27.360 --> 0:00:31.000 Robock and I had the same initial gut reaction to this, 0:00:31.120 --> 0:00:35.000 which was did he just use the word settle? And 0:00:35.040 --> 0:00:39.760 with that welcome to this relationship. Addition, this ask Amy 0:00:39.800 --> 0:00:43.199 and TJ edition of Amy and TJ based on our 0:00:43.520 --> 0:00:47.600 Yahoo column and this this question wrote, I think I 0:00:47.720 --> 0:00:49.920 might be more torn on this one than any other 0:00:50.000 --> 0:00:50.800 one we've received. 0:00:51.000 --> 0:00:54.600 Really, so the title of this week's Yahoo column is 0:00:54.680 --> 0:00:57.200 my girlfriend loves me more than I love her? Should 0:00:57.240 --> 0:00:59.240 I settle at twenty seven? 0:00:59.480 --> 0:01:00.320 Or move on? 0:01:00.800 --> 0:01:04.880 And look, I think when you've lived enough life you 0:01:05.040 --> 0:01:06.839 realize you don't have to settle. 0:01:06.880 --> 0:01:09.520 But early on in my life I might not have. 0:01:09.560 --> 0:01:12.080 Articulated that, but I think a lot of people feel 0:01:12.080 --> 0:01:14.319 that way. They're afraid that they're going to miss out 0:01:14.319 --> 0:01:19.040 on a relationship, on children, on a family, on just 0:01:19.200 --> 0:01:22.039 being settled literally, and so they settle so that they 0:01:22.080 --> 0:01:25.360 can be settled. And it's one of those A bird 0:01:25.400 --> 0:01:27.360 in the hand is we know, they say better than 0:01:27.520 --> 0:01:28.360 two in the bush or. 0:01:28.360 --> 0:01:31.400 Something like that. But people always wonder is the grass greener? 0:01:31.800 --> 0:01:32.759 Could I do better? 0:01:33.360 --> 0:01:38.000 But if you're asking yourself those questions dot dot dot, can't. 0:01:37.760 --> 0:01:41.280 They be legitimate questions? Can't you have a legitimate something 0:01:41.520 --> 0:01:44.920 in you is thinking that there's something better out there? 0:01:45.000 --> 0:01:47.760 Can that not be dangerous? And that's why I'm torn, 0:01:47.800 --> 0:01:49.920 because no matter what we have, we always think we 0:01:50.000 --> 0:01:52.120 got something better. You know, you can find something better. 0:01:52.120 --> 0:01:53.760 And who knows what this woman is and how great? 0:01:53.920 --> 0:01:56.000 And if he doesn't have butterflies in his stomach, then 0:01:56.000 --> 0:01:59.040 that means he is settling. I don't know about all 0:01:59.080 --> 0:02:00.720 of that, So I think it could be a good thing, 0:02:00.960 --> 0:02:03.120 and it can absolutely be a bad thing. It can 0:02:03.160 --> 0:02:05.840 bring you great joy and things on the other side, 0:02:06.120 --> 0:02:08.760 and then called you to realize what you gave up 0:02:08.840 --> 0:02:09.399 or missed out. 0:02:10.000 --> 0:02:13.200 My mom always told me there's always going to be 0:02:13.280 --> 0:02:19.160 someone better looking, someone smarter, someone richer, someone more interesting. 0:02:19.960 --> 0:02:21.880 Keeps telling me that every time we discuss us. 0:02:22.040 --> 0:02:23.840 But she told me this throughout my life. 0:02:23.840 --> 0:02:27.760 That if you're always looking for someone who's got something 0:02:28.280 --> 0:02:31.440 better to offer, you're never going to be satisfied. At 0:02:31.440 --> 0:02:37.040 a certain point, you make your decision about what works 0:02:37.080 --> 0:02:39.720 for you. And at the end of the day, this 0:02:39.800 --> 0:02:43.720 doesn't sound exciting or passionate. I remember this really bothered me, 0:02:43.880 --> 0:02:45.440 and we've talked about this, you and I, TJ. 0:02:45.840 --> 0:02:48.359 My mom told me. Love is a decision. Love is 0:02:48.400 --> 0:02:48.880 a choice. 0:02:49.360 --> 0:02:52.079 It's not a feeling. Lust is a feeling. Being in 0:02:52.120 --> 0:02:54.239 love might be a feeling, But ultimately, if you want 0:02:54.280 --> 0:02:55.720 to be with someone and you want to have a 0:02:55.720 --> 0:02:57.520 partner in life, and you want to have a teammate 0:02:57.520 --> 0:03:00.240 and you want a family, you choose it. And you 0:03:00.320 --> 0:03:02.960 have to choose through moments where it's tough and hard, 0:03:03.040 --> 0:03:06.840 and yeah, it might be tempting to say what else 0:03:06.919 --> 0:03:07.399 is out there? 0:03:07.400 --> 0:03:08.440 And we've all thought that. 0:03:08.600 --> 0:03:10.920 Of course, iddy want to hear that not but it's hard. 0:03:11.080 --> 0:03:15.239 It's crap. Butterflies, you do it. Butterflies talk about a decision. 0:03:15.320 --> 0:03:16.240 Love is a decision. 0:03:16.280 --> 0:03:17.080 No, no, no, no no. 0:03:17.680 --> 0:03:20.440 Love leaves me all the flood. It makes me float 0:03:20.600 --> 0:03:23.480 during the day. Love has me sending more text messages 0:03:23.520 --> 0:03:27.680 than I probably should. Love. Yes, Love that's what love is. 0:03:27.720 --> 0:03:29.160 Don't tell me every day I get up and I 0:03:29.200 --> 0:03:31.520 have to make a conscious decision. Okay, I'm a love 0:03:31.560 --> 0:03:31.800 of day. 0:03:31.880 --> 0:03:33.840 I don't think every day you have to make that decision. 0:03:34.920 --> 0:03:37.280 My dad to say that they've been married fifty plus 0:03:37.360 --> 0:03:39.560 years though, so I get it. But the point being, 0:03:39.760 --> 0:03:41.960 I think in moments you have to choose. In moments 0:03:41.960 --> 0:03:44.080 you have to say not if you wake up every 0:03:44.160 --> 0:03:45.920 day going, oh my god. 0:03:45.720 --> 0:03:47.280 Do I have to be with this person? That's the 0:03:47.320 --> 0:03:48.480 whole other issue. 0:03:48.200 --> 0:03:50.440 You're saying it, bro, You're not saying it the right way. 0:03:50.560 --> 0:03:54.040 You said just simply every day you're making a decision. 0:03:54.200 --> 0:03:56.080 I want to be here and I want to be 0:03:56.160 --> 0:03:56.720 with that person. 0:03:56.800 --> 0:04:01.080 Yes, that's not romantic, but I think that's realistic. And 0:04:01.160 --> 0:04:02.160 I think we have this. 0:04:02.640 --> 0:04:06.240 I think we have this idea, this Disney version idea 0:04:06.360 --> 0:04:09.400 of what a relationship is and what love is right 0:04:09.440 --> 0:04:12.480 off into the sunset. Yes, and you just always just 0:04:12.520 --> 0:04:15.280 embrace each other with love excitement. 0:04:15.400 --> 0:04:16.279 You're describing love? 0:04:16.360 --> 0:04:17.640 Yes, exactly what? 0:04:18.839 --> 0:04:23.560 Okay, all right, here's the actual here's the actual question 0:04:23.640 --> 0:04:26.040 that was written into us by Chin. I will read 0:04:26.040 --> 0:04:28.560 the full one. It's a short one. So no, big 0:04:28.600 --> 0:04:32.000 deal here, Amy and TJ. I realize I might sound 0:04:32.040 --> 0:04:32.599 like a jerk. 0:04:32.920 --> 0:04:34.000 But here's my question. 0:04:34.279 --> 0:04:37.440 Should I be with someone who's really into me if 0:04:37.520 --> 0:04:40.640 I don't want them as much back? Or should I 0:04:40.680 --> 0:04:43.160 wait to find someone I'd really like to be with 0:04:43.440 --> 0:04:45.839 but will have to work to win over. I'm a 0:04:45.880 --> 0:04:49.000 twenty seven year old zoomer deciding whether to settle for 0:04:49.120 --> 0:04:52.600 my current partner or start over and keep looking. 0:04:52.920 --> 0:04:55.320 What should I do? China? 0:04:55.480 --> 0:04:56.480 Does he sound like a jerk? 0:04:57.440 --> 0:04:59.760 I think he sounds like he's honest, and I don't 0:04:59.760 --> 0:05:02.560 think he's being a jerk. And I think people jump 0:05:02.640 --> 0:05:04.680 to that very quickly, like how dare you? But if 0:05:04.760 --> 0:05:07.520 everyone is truly honest with themselves, you've had that thought, 0:05:07.880 --> 0:05:09.960 that thought has come into your mind. That is a 0:05:10.080 --> 0:05:12.479 human thought. And I don't think we should fault people 0:05:12.480 --> 0:05:13.440 for being honest. 0:05:13.760 --> 0:05:14.599 How often do you have it? 0:05:17.080 --> 0:05:19.520 I don't, look, I have had it plenty in my life, 0:05:19.560 --> 0:05:24.360 throughout my life. No, No, it's I don't really No 0:05:25.560 --> 0:05:27.280 hourly you missed it? 0:05:28.720 --> 0:05:31.600 How about you? How about you? 0:05:31.640 --> 0:05:31.800 No? 0:05:31.880 --> 0:05:34.320 You know I've never been in relationship with thinking I 0:05:34.360 --> 0:05:37.000 could do something better. It's only I take stock of 0:05:37.040 --> 0:05:40.520 the current relationship I'll look at it and say I 0:05:40.560 --> 0:05:42.400 don't want to be here, this isn't working or is 0:05:42.440 --> 0:05:44.840 this going to work? But I'm not thinking I want 0:05:44.880 --> 0:05:47.039 something better. I want somebody who's more like this or 0:05:47.040 --> 0:05:47.560 more like that. 0:05:47.640 --> 0:05:49.920 Well, I'm thinking when you're making that decision whether or 0:05:49.960 --> 0:05:53.279 not to propose, whether or not to move in, whether 0:05:53.360 --> 0:05:55.720 or not you know that next step, I think that's 0:05:55.760 --> 0:05:57.160 when people start questioning this. 0:05:57.360 --> 0:06:02.360 Oh yeah, in those moments as well, breakups immediately follow. 0:06:02.640 --> 0:06:06.240 Okay, okay, and that's a good points. My guess that's it. 0:06:06.279 --> 0:06:08.560 But you should ask the question, can he have this 0:06:08.600 --> 0:06:12.359 conversation with her? Or how do you have this conversation 0:06:12.440 --> 0:06:16.000 with her? Because that's you can't have that conversation without 0:06:16.040 --> 0:06:17.280 hurt feelings being the result. 0:06:17.680 --> 0:06:19.960 Yes, but I think you have to have the conversation 0:06:20.120 --> 0:06:22.279 or you have to break up. It's one or the other. 0:06:22.360 --> 0:06:24.840 I don't think you just bury that because I think 0:06:25.680 --> 0:06:27.400 you have to be able if you can't have an 0:06:27.400 --> 0:06:29.880 honest conversation with your partner. And I know this is 0:06:29.920 --> 0:06:33.479 a hard conversation and it's really really, really tough, but 0:06:34.480 --> 0:06:36.599 to keep it to yourself and hope that your feelings 0:06:36.680 --> 0:06:39.000 might grow. I think when you've been in enough long 0:06:39.080 --> 0:06:40.960 term relationships like you and I have been, and a 0:06:41.040 --> 0:06:45.240 lot of you listening are in. If early on you're 0:06:45.360 --> 0:06:50.360 already feeling like you're settling, I believe it turns then 0:06:50.400 --> 0:06:54.159 into resentment and full blown anger and depression later, because 0:06:54.240 --> 0:06:57.200 it leads to negative things. If you're burying and suppressing 0:06:57.240 --> 0:07:00.440 this notion that somehow and your things king you might 0:07:00.520 --> 0:07:04.720 better early on in your relationship, that's when it's supposed 0:07:04.720 --> 0:07:07.440 to be rainbows and butterflies and I can't wait to 0:07:07.480 --> 0:07:08.880 be with this person. That spend the rest of my 0:07:08.920 --> 0:07:09.720 life with this person. 0:07:09.840 --> 0:07:12.200 He didn't suggest I'm overlooking. He didn't say how long 0:07:12.240 --> 0:07:12.840 they might be together. 0:07:12.880 --> 0:07:15.640 He didn't, but he was obviously he's twenty seven, and 0:07:15.680 --> 0:07:17.920 he's obviously at a point where probably, if I had 0:07:17.920 --> 0:07:20.400 to guess, she's thinking, hey, are you going to put 0:07:20.400 --> 0:07:22.120 a ring on it? I want to have babies, I 0:07:22.160 --> 0:07:24.240 want to like you know this is that's a time 0:07:24.320 --> 0:07:25.960 in a lot of women's life. I know I was 0:07:26.000 --> 0:07:27.720 in that boat right there. I mean, I don't want 0:07:27.720 --> 0:07:30.560 to speak for all women. Certainly today's women are very 0:07:30.560 --> 0:07:33.680 different than maybe my generation, but that is a point 0:07:33.720 --> 0:07:35.320 in which you usually start to think, if you've been 0:07:35.320 --> 0:07:38.280 with someone for a couple of years, hey, what's happening here? 0:07:38.120 --> 0:07:39.760 Are we actually going to do this? 0:07:40.920 --> 0:07:47.880 Are we wrong to size up relationships this way? Because 0:07:47.920 --> 0:07:50.120 I have given advice before and I do believe it, 0:07:50.760 --> 0:07:54.720 and people who have been at this point that I say, 0:07:54.800 --> 0:07:57.120 why are you letting perfect to get in the way 0:07:57.160 --> 0:07:59.560 of good? Because we do? And I think, if you 0:07:59.640 --> 0:08:01.800 have your standard and it has to be this, this, this, 0:08:01.840 --> 0:08:05.520 and this, knock yourself out. But sometimes there are unreasonable standards. 0:08:05.600 --> 0:08:08.720 And if there is, he doesn't have one thing. Like 0:08:08.760 --> 0:08:10.880 I've said before, I needed somebody who's six y two 0:08:10.880 --> 0:08:13.200 and this dude's only five to nine, then I don't 0:08:13.200 --> 0:08:15.600 want him. Fine, if that's for you, But are we 0:08:15.960 --> 0:08:18.760 Is there a threat or a challenge sometime or a 0:08:18.840 --> 0:08:23.040 danger in letting perfect get in the way of perfectly good? 0:08:23.240 --> 0:08:26.280 Absolutely when you can. When you're too picky, yeah, you 0:08:26.440 --> 0:08:29.040 run into problems. I actually was just seeing this the 0:08:29.040 --> 0:08:31.200 other day. Gabby Bernstein, who I love and who's been 0:08:31.240 --> 0:08:33.840 on the podcast. If you haven't listened to our podcast 0:08:33.880 --> 0:08:35.800 with her, please check it out. She's amazing. But she 0:08:35.880 --> 0:08:38.600 talked about how women. She was speaking mostly to women, 0:08:38.960 --> 0:08:41.400 but men to you should put a list, maybe even 0:08:41.440 --> 0:08:43.520 when you're in the dating world or when you're in 0:08:43.520 --> 0:08:45.719 a relationship, of your non negotiables. But it should be 0:08:45.760 --> 0:08:48.120 a short list. It shouldn't be he needs to be 0:08:48.160 --> 0:08:51.240 six feet tall. He needs to be you know, tall, 0:08:51.320 --> 0:08:56.480 dark and handsome. No, we're talking. He's kind, he's flexible, 0:08:56.640 --> 0:09:00.360 he's deferential. Whatever it is that you need, he's even 0:09:00.400 --> 0:09:03.920 if it's he can support me whatever it is you have. 0:09:04.000 --> 0:09:06.000 And she said it shouldn't be more than like five things, 0:09:06.040 --> 0:09:10.040 and it shouldn't be anything physical. But you can have 0:09:10.120 --> 0:09:12.160 your non negotiables, and then you can have would like 0:09:12.240 --> 0:09:14.080 to have, and the would like to have could be 0:09:14.480 --> 0:09:16.880 some of those other attributes. But when you actually look 0:09:16.920 --> 0:09:19.920 at your list, ask yourself, am I being reasonable? 0:09:20.240 --> 0:09:21.560 And is this you know? 0:09:21.640 --> 0:09:25.000 But really take hard steck and recognize you're not going 0:09:25.040 --> 0:09:27.880 to get everything. No one's perfect. You're not perfect, No 0:09:28.000 --> 0:09:30.679 relationship is perfect, and certainly the person you're with is 0:09:30.720 --> 0:09:33.160 going to have flaws or things you don't like about them. 0:09:33.360 --> 0:09:34.800 You're going to get into some of the comments that 0:09:34.840 --> 0:09:37.439 we got from a lot of folks on the article 0:09:37.480 --> 0:09:39.160 with this. I didn't give this advice at the time 0:09:39.160 --> 0:09:41.480 when we did the article, but I'm thinking of it now. 0:09:41.520 --> 0:09:43.880 This is the advice that we give get out of 0:09:43.880 --> 0:09:46.959 that relationship today, not for you, but for her. It's 0:09:47.000 --> 0:09:49.920 not wasting your time. If she is around the same 0:09:49.960 --> 0:09:52.560 age and she is thinking about those things, your head 0:09:52.600 --> 0:09:56.960 is already here. You actually owe her, or it would 0:09:56.960 --> 0:09:58.679 be I know it seems mean to break up with her, 0:09:58.840 --> 0:10:01.920 but you're being kind. I agree, not wasting another year 0:10:02.160 --> 0:10:04.480 or two or whatever of our life. You stay with 0:10:04.559 --> 0:10:06.200 another year, another two, then she got to get over 0:10:06.240 --> 0:10:07.360 for another six months, another year. 0:10:08.080 --> 0:10:10.760 Just go ahead, And I think sometimes people need permission 0:10:10.800 --> 0:10:13.000 to leave. They feel bad, they know what's going to 0:10:13.120 --> 0:10:15.199 hurt that person, but they're going to hurt them much 0:10:15.240 --> 0:10:18.200 worse if they stay in and aren't honest with them. 0:10:18.760 --> 0:10:21.360 So I didn't go through it again. It's been a theme. 0:10:21.840 --> 0:10:24.280 So the comments, you're seeing a lot of guys. 0:10:24.040 --> 0:10:25.720 Again, Yeah, really a lot of guys. 0:10:26.640 --> 0:10:28.920 Because Yahoo has a big guy readership. 0:10:30.000 --> 0:10:30.679 They certainly do. 0:10:40.320 --> 0:10:44.120 Welcome back to the ask Amy and TJ edition of 0:10:44.200 --> 0:10:48.360 our podcast where we go over our weekly Yahoo relationship 0:10:48.400 --> 0:10:52.040 advice column, and we have a question that came to 0:10:52.120 --> 0:10:54.040 us from a reader who was asking he's a twenty 0:10:54.080 --> 0:10:56.520 seven year old zoomer, he says, and he's deciding whether 0:10:56.559 --> 0:10:59.280 or not he should settle for his current partner or 0:10:59.360 --> 0:11:01.960 start over and keep looking. He says, he understands or wait, 0:11:02.120 --> 0:11:04.720 the way he sees it, she likes him or loves 0:11:04.800 --> 0:11:07.040 him a lot more than he loves her. And the 0:11:07.120 --> 0:11:10.880 comments were well plentiful, I should say that, and there 0:11:10.880 --> 0:11:13.000 were a lot of folks who had some differing opinions. 0:11:13.559 --> 0:11:18.120 We'll start with monk iman O seven. I don't know 0:11:18.840 --> 0:11:21.880 monkeyman O seven. He says, this, Oh, this is very 0:11:21.960 --> 0:11:24.680 much like what my mom said. Love is a choice. 0:11:25.400 --> 0:11:29.360 Lust is a heart flutter. Don't confuse the two. It 0:11:29.440 --> 0:11:31.920 is commitment and a willingness to let go of your 0:11:31.960 --> 0:11:36.080 selfishness and self centeredness for the greater good of a 0:11:36.160 --> 0:11:40.160 long term relationship. Sometimes it is also a spiritual journey 0:11:40.160 --> 0:11:42.760 in learning to let go of resentments and see where 0:11:42.760 --> 0:11:43.320 we need. 0:11:43.200 --> 0:11:45.640 To grow through our choice to love our partner. 0:11:46.400 --> 0:11:49.160 Okay, he makes it sound like love is all self 0:11:49.240 --> 0:11:53.559 contained and that you're making a decision after you've already 0:11:53.600 --> 0:11:54.880 come to a good place in your own life to 0:11:55.000 --> 0:11:57.520 share that with someone. You're making a choice, and that's 0:11:58.040 --> 0:12:00.720 I think that's fine ways some people see it, but 0:12:00.800 --> 0:12:03.080 it's not romantic at all. It's not that fantasy I've 0:12:03.120 --> 0:12:04.400 been seeing since I was a kid. 0:12:04.640 --> 0:12:07.400 It can love be a heart flutter too. He said 0:12:07.400 --> 0:12:09.920 love is a choice. Lust is a heart flutter. 0:12:10.040 --> 0:12:11.720 But I think that's where we get messed up in 0:12:11.760 --> 0:12:14.240 that we don't think we have the love because our 0:12:14.240 --> 0:12:16.559 heart doesn't have the lust. And you can use lose 0:12:16.600 --> 0:12:18.719 that lust and still have the love. But I think 0:12:18.720 --> 0:12:21.320 we want to feel something. We want to feel excited 0:12:21.320 --> 0:12:23.840 when we see our partner when we haven't talked to mowat, 0:12:23.920 --> 0:12:27.280 when you phone buzzes and you look down and it's 0:12:27.320 --> 0:12:28.640 that person you want. 0:12:28.480 --> 0:12:31.439 To feel that do I feel like and maybe this 0:12:31.480 --> 0:12:34.040 is the romantic in me. I do feel like both 0:12:34.080 --> 0:12:36.199 can be the same. They won't always be present. You're 0:12:36.240 --> 0:12:39.200 not always gonna feel lustful towards your partner twenty years 0:12:39.200 --> 0:12:40.559 down the road, thirty years down the. 0:12:40.520 --> 0:12:43.760 Road, but you still will feel that. It just won't be. 0:12:43.840 --> 0:12:46.640 Maybe as strong and as fast and furious as it 0:12:46.800 --> 0:12:50.040 was in the beginning, but it's still If it's completely gone, 0:12:50.280 --> 0:12:53.040 if the flame is out, I think that's really tough 0:12:53.240 --> 0:12:56.680 to manage that and to continue that choice. 0:12:56.679 --> 0:12:59.040 It feels like a burden. I do feel like. 0:12:59.160 --> 0:13:03.080 It's I think it's okay to believe and to know 0:13:03.160 --> 0:13:06.360 that you can have both. Maybe not as strong as before, 0:13:06.400 --> 0:13:07.360 but do you agree. 0:13:07.080 --> 0:13:09.880 I think that that you can't have both. I think 0:13:09.920 --> 0:13:10.679 you should. 0:13:10.400 --> 0:13:12.840 Still be able to feel that desire and that lust 0:13:12.880 --> 0:13:17.560 towards the person you love, even decades later. And I 0:13:17.559 --> 0:13:20.360 think some people absolutely say that's true. Some people think 0:13:20.400 --> 0:13:21.080 it's a fantasy. 0:13:21.880 --> 0:13:25.280 Well, this apparently love is a fantasy according to this episode. 0:13:26.280 --> 0:13:28.240 Can we get through this because this is really turning 0:13:28.240 --> 0:13:28.560 me off? 0:13:28.679 --> 0:13:31.480 Okay, we'll move on. 0:13:31.600 --> 0:13:34.800 Next to Andrew's comment, he says, the question is do 0:13:34.880 --> 0:13:37.760 you think too much of yourself? Have you tried loving 0:13:37.800 --> 0:13:41.040 her the way she needs rather than just thinking about yourself? 0:13:41.480 --> 0:13:43.880 Do you make a good pair? Do you compliment each 0:13:43.880 --> 0:13:46.640 other when difficult decisions come? Will you be able to 0:13:46.679 --> 0:13:49.360 come to an agreement? The reason why our society is 0:13:49.440 --> 0:13:52.120 anxious and depressed is that they think too much about 0:13:52.160 --> 0:13:55.720 what they think they need or deserve. This doesn't lead 0:13:55.760 --> 0:13:58.080 to good mental health. Think about what you do well 0:13:58.240 --> 0:14:00.560 and try to do it. Give your life for others. 0:14:00.600 --> 0:14:02.920 Life is not easy. What you need is someone that 0:14:03.000 --> 0:14:05.800 is stable and you can count on that person also 0:14:05.920 --> 0:14:07.240 needs to count on you. 0:14:07.360 --> 0:14:11.600 That was good and well thought out. But he makes 0:14:11.640 --> 0:14:13.600 a good point where how do we find this balance 0:14:13.600 --> 0:14:15.800 of Often times we're told we do need to focus 0:14:15.840 --> 0:14:19.080 on ourselves, we shouldn't settle for less. I think that's 0:14:19.080 --> 0:14:22.880 something that women, certainly, and the themes in recent years 0:14:23.000 --> 0:14:26.440 has been there. So we are pounding into everybody's head 0:14:26.480 --> 0:14:30.680 that if you settle for anything less, then you are 0:14:30.680 --> 0:14:32.880 doing a disservice to yourself, that that's not taking care 0:14:32.960 --> 0:14:35.480 of yourself. But love is supposed to be selfless. At 0:14:35.480 --> 0:14:37.200 the same time, we're talking about you should be focused 0:14:37.200 --> 0:14:38.920 on the other person, not you. So what do we 0:14:38.920 --> 0:14:39.200 make of that? 0:14:39.360 --> 0:14:42.320 Yeah, I mean well thought. I actually this one. 0:14:42.560 --> 0:14:45.240 I've I had an AHA moment when I read his 0:14:45.680 --> 0:14:49.000 Andrew's comment because I thought this was so interesting. 0:14:49.760 --> 0:14:51.160 All the shows we watch. 0:14:51.040 --> 0:14:54.960 How often do we hear I deserve better, you deserve better. 0:14:55.040 --> 0:14:58.080 It's this whole concept of deserve and need. And he 0:14:58.200 --> 0:15:00.760 does make a good point that our where our mental 0:15:00.760 --> 0:15:04.880 health in this nation is not going the way in 0:15:04.920 --> 0:15:06.680 the direction we wanted to. It's getting worse, it's not 0:15:06.680 --> 0:15:10.680 getting better despite all the prescription pills available, all the 0:15:10.720 --> 0:15:14.840 mental health centers open, all the hotlines, all the therapists, 0:15:15.160 --> 0:15:18.240 people talk openly about it. Somehow we're not getting better, 0:15:18.320 --> 0:15:20.880 and maybe it is this sole focus on ourselves and 0:15:20.960 --> 0:15:23.000 our needs instead of focusing on others. 0:15:23.240 --> 0:15:24.440 I've well done. 0:15:24.880 --> 0:15:27.360 All right, let's move on now to elle Cat here. 0:15:27.520 --> 0:15:29.520 And by the way, all of these comments, most of 0:15:29.520 --> 0:15:31.840 them were really lengthy. People had a lot to say 0:15:32.480 --> 0:15:36.240 about Chin's question. El Cat says this well for starters. 0:15:36.320 --> 0:15:39.000 Number one, don't use someone and string them along and 0:15:39.080 --> 0:15:41.680 keep them as a placeholder until something better comes along. 0:15:41.800 --> 0:15:43.400 It's not nice. Number two. 0:15:43.760 --> 0:15:47.160 The grass isn't always greener on the other side. Number three. 0:15:47.280 --> 0:15:49.760 With my second point, you might end up breaking up 0:15:49.880 --> 0:15:53.000 meeting someone new and then actually settling just to realize 0:15:53.000 --> 0:15:55.040 one year or five years into the marriage that this 0:15:55.120 --> 0:15:58.120 person isn't who you thought they were, or you're actually 0:15:58.120 --> 0:16:02.720 not compatible. Sometimes that garner's resentment, which is a terrible feeling. 0:16:02.880 --> 0:16:05.240 My advice is to break up with your girlfriend and 0:16:05.280 --> 0:16:08.160 spare her wasted time in a relationship where she is 0:16:08.240 --> 0:16:11.520 not valued or loved. Then stay single and work on 0:16:11.560 --> 0:16:14.680 yourself and figure out who you are before making any 0:16:14.720 --> 0:16:16.960 type of long term commitment such as marriage. 0:16:17.960 --> 0:16:21.600 Yeah, that's good advice. Twenty seven still figuring things out 0:16:21.680 --> 0:16:24.600 in all likelihood, but he's probably not sure not you know. 0:16:24.680 --> 0:16:26.800 I don't think someone older would have sent this question 0:16:26.880 --> 0:16:30.600 in because they would have known who they are and 0:16:30.640 --> 0:16:32.520 what they want and how they feel, and they would 0:16:32.560 --> 0:16:35.400 also have enough relationship experience and know this thing going 0:16:35.400 --> 0:16:38.640 in the right direction. I bet this very much has 0:16:38.640 --> 0:16:40.760 to do with the age on this one. Not a 0:16:40.760 --> 0:16:42.880 bad thing, but there's experience you still need to gain 0:16:42.880 --> 0:16:43.800 at twenty seven years old. 0:16:43.880 --> 0:16:46.720 Yeah, and we say this, we say this to chin 0:16:47.400 --> 0:16:49.280 having both gotten married at twenty three. 0:16:49.520 --> 0:16:51.520 Okay, and so we get it. 0:16:51.600 --> 0:16:54.840 We at twenty three and even the next time around, 0:16:54.840 --> 0:16:56.240 like it's just you're still. 0:16:56.040 --> 0:16:57.160 Figuring out who you are. 0:16:58.000 --> 0:16:59.680 So I thought that was great advice from el kat 0:16:59.880 --> 0:17:04.040 Right John writes this, I hate the word settle when 0:17:04.040 --> 0:17:06.800 it comes to romance. Are you looking at people as 0:17:06.880 --> 0:17:10.760 commodities that you can upgrade? You either like someone and 0:17:10.840 --> 0:17:13.440 are happy with who they are, or you're not. If 0:17:13.440 --> 0:17:15.640 you're with someone for what they bring to the table, 0:17:15.960 --> 0:17:19.960 then relationships are business decisions for you. Be upfront about 0:17:19.960 --> 0:17:23.760 that fact when you're dating to properly align expectations when 0:17:23.800 --> 0:17:25.800 I hear she likes me more than I like her. 0:17:26.280 --> 0:17:30.680 Everybody expresses their affections differently. If the mismatch causes conflict 0:17:30.720 --> 0:17:34.080 and can't be resolved, move on. But the question of 0:17:34.119 --> 0:17:38.040 should I settle really indicates you no longer want to 0:17:38.080 --> 0:17:39.120 be with your partner. 0:17:39.480 --> 0:17:42.919 Now focusing on the word settle, and again, not to 0:17:43.000 --> 0:17:45.960 insult chin, but it sounds like something from someone who 0:17:46.119 --> 0:17:49.560 is insecure. It sounds like from someone who is unsure 0:17:50.320 --> 0:17:53.879 of themselves because they're trying to measure in some way, 0:17:53.960 --> 0:17:58.119 and you're making yourself feel better by saying someone doesn't 0:17:58.160 --> 0:18:00.760 measure up. And it's always a dangerous thing for people 0:18:00.840 --> 0:18:03.200 to do. The drum major instinct from MLK right, it's 0:18:03.240 --> 0:18:04.919 one of the we always want to be special and 0:18:04.920 --> 0:18:07.000 feel out front, and the way that most people do 0:18:07.119 --> 0:18:10.360 it is you have to make somebody feel less than 0:18:10.400 --> 0:18:13.440 You have to put somebody down first to make yourself 0:18:13.480 --> 0:18:17.480 feel better. He's insulting her in this way. He's comparing 0:18:17.640 --> 0:18:19.960 almost call and putting himself up on a pedestal like 0:18:20.040 --> 0:18:22.480 I'm special and yeah she's crazy about me, but I 0:18:22.520 --> 0:18:25.679 don't like her. It's a weird childish thing to do. 0:18:25.720 --> 0:18:28.600 Almost again, not insulting Chin, but it just sounds familiar. 0:18:29.080 --> 0:18:32.160 And whoever just wrote in kind of kind of made 0:18:32.160 --> 0:18:34.360 that point for me that I hadn't considered. 0:18:34.160 --> 0:18:37.360 Yeah, because it does sound more like a business transaction 0:18:37.640 --> 0:18:40.879 where you're comparing what you've got with what she's got, 0:18:40.920 --> 0:18:42.679