1 00:00:01,920 --> 00:00:04,760 Speaker 1: Hey there are folks is July twenty ninth, and one 2 00:00:04,840 --> 00:00:09,680 Speaker 1: of our readers, listeners fans calls himself Chen. He wrote 3 00:00:09,680 --> 00:00:12,920 Speaker 1: into us asking for some relationship advice. You see, he 4 00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: says he's been dating a woman and she loves him 5 00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:21,759 Speaker 1: more than he loves her, and he's asking should he 6 00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:26,599 Speaker 1: settle for this or should he dumper and start all over? 7 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:31,000 Speaker 1: Robock and I had the same initial gut reaction to this, 8 00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:35,000 Speaker 1: which was did he just use the word settle? And 9 00:00:35,040 --> 00:00:39,760 Speaker 1: with that welcome to this relationship. Addition, this ask Amy 10 00:00:39,800 --> 00:00:43,199 Speaker 1: and TJ edition of Amy and TJ based on our 11 00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:47,600 Speaker 1: Yahoo column and this this question wrote, I think I 12 00:00:47,720 --> 00:00:49,920 Speaker 1: might be more torn on this one than any other 13 00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:50,800 Speaker 1: one we've received. 14 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:54,600 Speaker 2: Really, so the title of this week's Yahoo column is 15 00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:57,200 Speaker 2: my girlfriend loves me more than I love her? Should 16 00:00:57,240 --> 00:00:59,240 Speaker 2: I settle at twenty seven? 17 00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:00,320 Speaker 3: Or move on? 18 00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:04,880 Speaker 2: And look, I think when you've lived enough life you 19 00:01:05,040 --> 00:01:06,839 Speaker 2: realize you don't have to settle. 20 00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:09,520 Speaker 3: But early on in my life I might not have. 21 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:12,080 Speaker 2: Articulated that, but I think a lot of people feel 22 00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:14,319 Speaker 2: that way. They're afraid that they're going to miss out 23 00:01:14,319 --> 00:01:19,040 Speaker 2: on a relationship, on children, on a family, on just 24 00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:22,039 Speaker 2: being settled literally, and so they settle so that they 25 00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:25,360 Speaker 2: can be settled. And it's one of those A bird 26 00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:27,360 Speaker 2: in the hand is we know, they say better than 27 00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:28,360 Speaker 2: two in the bush or. 28 00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:31,400 Speaker 3: Something like that. But people always wonder is the grass greener? 29 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:32,759 Speaker 3: Could I do better? 30 00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:38,000 Speaker 2: But if you're asking yourself those questions dot dot dot, can't. 31 00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:41,280 Speaker 1: They be legitimate questions? Can't you have a legitimate something 32 00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:44,920 Speaker 1: in you is thinking that there's something better out there? 33 00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:47,760 Speaker 1: Can that not be dangerous? And that's why I'm torn, 34 00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:49,920 Speaker 1: because no matter what we have, we always think we 35 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:52,120 Speaker 1: got something better. You know, you can find something better. 36 00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:53,760 Speaker 1: And who knows what this woman is and how great? 37 00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:56,000 Speaker 1: And if he doesn't have butterflies in his stomach, then 38 00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:59,040 Speaker 1: that means he is settling. I don't know about all 39 00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:00,720 Speaker 1: of that, So I think it could be a good thing, 40 00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:03,120 Speaker 1: and it can absolutely be a bad thing. It can 41 00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:05,840 Speaker 1: bring you great joy and things on the other side, 42 00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:08,760 Speaker 1: and then called you to realize what you gave up 43 00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:09,399 Speaker 1: or missed out. 44 00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:13,200 Speaker 2: My mom always told me there's always going to be 45 00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:19,160 Speaker 2: someone better looking, someone smarter, someone richer, someone more interesting. 46 00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:21,880 Speaker 1: Keeps telling me that every time we discuss us. 47 00:02:22,040 --> 00:02:23,840 Speaker 3: But she told me this throughout my life. 48 00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:27,760 Speaker 2: That if you're always looking for someone who's got something 49 00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:31,440 Speaker 2: better to offer, you're never going to be satisfied. At 50 00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:37,040 Speaker 2: a certain point, you make your decision about what works 51 00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:39,720 Speaker 2: for you. And at the end of the day, this 52 00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:43,720 Speaker 2: doesn't sound exciting or passionate. I remember this really bothered me, 53 00:02:43,880 --> 00:02:45,440 Speaker 2: and we've talked about this, you and I, TJ. 54 00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:48,359 Speaker 3: My mom told me. Love is a decision. Love is 55 00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:48,880 Speaker 3: a choice. 56 00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:52,079 Speaker 2: It's not a feeling. Lust is a feeling. Being in 57 00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:54,239 Speaker 2: love might be a feeling, But ultimately, if you want 58 00:02:54,280 --> 00:02:55,720 Speaker 2: to be with someone and you want to have a 59 00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:57,520 Speaker 2: partner in life, and you want to have a teammate 60 00:02:57,520 --> 00:03:00,240 Speaker 2: and you want a family, you choose it. And you 61 00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:02,960 Speaker 2: have to choose through moments where it's tough and hard, 62 00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:06,840 Speaker 2: and yeah, it might be tempting to say what else 63 00:03:06,919 --> 00:03:07,399 Speaker 2: is out there? 64 00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:08,440 Speaker 3: And we've all thought that. 65 00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:10,920 Speaker 1: Of course, iddy want to hear that not but it's hard. 66 00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:15,239 Speaker 1: It's crap. Butterflies, you do it. Butterflies talk about a decision. 67 00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:16,240 Speaker 1: Love is a decision. 68 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:17,080 Speaker 3: No, no, no, no no. 69 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:20,440 Speaker 1: Love leaves me all the flood. It makes me float 70 00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:23,480 Speaker 1: during the day. Love has me sending more text messages 71 00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:27,680 Speaker 1: than I probably should. Love. Yes, Love that's what love is. 72 00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:29,160 Speaker 1: Don't tell me every day I get up and I 73 00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:31,520 Speaker 1: have to make a conscious decision. Okay, I'm a love 74 00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:31,800 Speaker 1: of day. 75 00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:33,840 Speaker 2: I don't think every day you have to make that decision. 76 00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:37,280 Speaker 2: My dad to say that they've been married fifty plus 77 00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:39,560 Speaker 2: years though, so I get it. But the point being, 78 00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:41,960 Speaker 2: I think in moments you have to choose. In moments 79 00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:44,080 Speaker 2: you have to say not if you wake up every 80 00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:45,920 Speaker 2: day going, oh my god. 81 00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:47,280 Speaker 3: Do I have to be with this person? That's the 82 00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:48,480 Speaker 3: whole other issue. 83 00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:50,440 Speaker 1: You're saying it, bro, You're not saying it the right way. 84 00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:54,040 Speaker 1: You said just simply every day you're making a decision. 85 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,080 Speaker 1: I want to be here and I want to be 86 00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:56,720 Speaker 1: with that person. 87 00:03:56,800 --> 00:04:01,080 Speaker 3: Yes, that's not romantic, but I think that's realistic. And 88 00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:02,160 Speaker 3: I think we have this. 89 00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:06,240 Speaker 2: I think we have this idea, this Disney version idea 90 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:09,400 Speaker 2: of what a relationship is and what love is right 91 00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:12,480 Speaker 2: off into the sunset. Yes, and you just always just 92 00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:15,280 Speaker 2: embrace each other with love excitement. 93 00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:16,279 Speaker 1: You're describing love? 94 00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:17,640 Speaker 3: Yes, exactly what? 95 00:04:18,839 --> 00:04:23,560 Speaker 2: Okay, all right, here's the actual here's the actual question 96 00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:26,040 Speaker 2: that was written into us by Chin. I will read 97 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:28,560 Speaker 2: the full one. It's a short one. So no, big 98 00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:32,000 Speaker 2: deal here, Amy and TJ. I realize I might sound 99 00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:32,599 Speaker 2: like a jerk. 100 00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:34,000 Speaker 3: But here's my question. 101 00:04:34,279 --> 00:04:37,440 Speaker 2: Should I be with someone who's really into me if 102 00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:40,640 Speaker 2: I don't want them as much back? Or should I 103 00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:43,160 Speaker 2: wait to find someone I'd really like to be with 104 00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:45,839 Speaker 2: but will have to work to win over. I'm a 105 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:49,000 Speaker 2: twenty seven year old zoomer deciding whether to settle for 106 00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:52,600 Speaker 2: my current partner or start over and keep looking. 107 00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:55,320 Speaker 3: What should I do? China? 108 00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:56,480 Speaker 1: Does he sound like a jerk? 109 00:04:57,440 --> 00:04:59,760 Speaker 2: I think he sounds like he's honest, and I don't 110 00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:02,560 Speaker 2: think he's being a jerk. And I think people jump 111 00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:04,680 Speaker 2: to that very quickly, like how dare you? But if 112 00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:07,520 Speaker 2: everyone is truly honest with themselves, you've had that thought, 113 00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:09,960 Speaker 2: that thought has come into your mind. That is a 114 00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:12,479 Speaker 2: human thought. And I don't think we should fault people 115 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:13,440 Speaker 2: for being honest. 116 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:14,599 Speaker 1: How often do you have it? 117 00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:19,520 Speaker 2: I don't, look, I have had it plenty in my life, 118 00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:24,360 Speaker 2: throughout my life. No, No, it's I don't really No 119 00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:27,280 Speaker 2: hourly you missed it? 120 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:31,600 Speaker 3: How about you? How about you? 121 00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:31,800 Speaker 2: No? 122 00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:34,320 Speaker 1: You know I've never been in relationship with thinking I 123 00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:37,000 Speaker 1: could do something better. It's only I take stock of 124 00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:40,520 Speaker 1: the current relationship I'll look at it and say I 125 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:42,400 Speaker 1: don't want to be here, this isn't working or is 126 00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:44,840 Speaker 1: this going to work? But I'm not thinking I want 127 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:47,039 Speaker 1: something better. I want somebody who's more like this or 128 00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:47,560 Speaker 1: more like that. 129 00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:49,920 Speaker 2: Well, I'm thinking when you're making that decision whether or 130 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:53,279 Speaker 2: not to propose, whether or not to move in, whether 131 00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:55,720 Speaker 2: or not you know that next step, I think that's 132 00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:57,160 Speaker 2: when people start questioning this. 133 00:05:57,360 --> 00:06:02,360 Speaker 1: Oh yeah, in those moments as well, breakups immediately follow. 134 00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:06,240 Speaker 3: Okay, okay, and that's a good points. My guess that's it. 135 00:06:06,279 --> 00:06:08,560 Speaker 1: But you should ask the question, can he have this 136 00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:12,359 Speaker 1: conversation with her? Or how do you have this conversation 137 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:16,000 Speaker 1: with her? Because that's you can't have that conversation without 138 00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:17,280 Speaker 1: hurt feelings being the result. 139 00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:19,960 Speaker 2: Yes, but I think you have to have the conversation 140 00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:22,279 Speaker 2: or you have to break up. It's one or the other. 141 00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:24,840 Speaker 2: I don't think you just bury that because I think 142 00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:27,400 Speaker 2: you have to be able if you can't have an 143 00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:29,880 Speaker 2: honest conversation with your partner. And I know this is 144 00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:33,479 Speaker 2: a hard conversation and it's really really, really tough, but 145 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:36,599 Speaker 2: to keep it to yourself and hope that your feelings 146 00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:39,000 Speaker 2: might grow. I think when you've been in enough long 147 00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:40,960 Speaker 2: term relationships like you and I have been, and a 148 00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:45,240 Speaker 2: lot of you listening are in. If early on you're 149 00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:50,360 Speaker 2: already feeling like you're settling, I believe it turns then 150 00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:54,159 Speaker 2: into resentment and full blown anger and depression later, because 151 00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:57,200 Speaker 2: it leads to negative things. If you're burying and suppressing 152 00:06:57,240 --> 00:07:00,440 Speaker 2: this notion that somehow and your things king you might 153 00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:04,720 Speaker 2: better early on in your relationship, that's when it's supposed 154 00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:07,440 Speaker 2: to be rainbows and butterflies and I can't wait to 155 00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:08,880 Speaker 2: be with this person. That spend the rest of my 156 00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:09,720 Speaker 2: life with this person. 157 00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:12,200 Speaker 1: He didn't suggest I'm overlooking. He didn't say how long 158 00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:12,840 Speaker 1: they might be together. 159 00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:15,640 Speaker 2: He didn't, but he was obviously he's twenty seven, and 160 00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:17,920 Speaker 2: he's obviously at a point where probably, if I had 161 00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:20,400 Speaker 2: to guess, she's thinking, hey, are you going to put 162 00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:22,120 Speaker 2: a ring on it? I want to have babies, I 163 00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:24,240 Speaker 2: want to like you know this is that's a time 164 00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:25,960 Speaker 2: in a lot of women's life. I know I was 165 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:27,720 Speaker 2: in that boat right there. I mean, I don't want 166 00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:30,560 Speaker 2: to speak for all women. Certainly today's women are very 167 00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:33,680 Speaker 2: different than maybe my generation, but that is a point 168 00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:35,320 Speaker 2: in which you usually start to think, if you've been 169 00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:38,280 Speaker 2: with someone for a couple of years, hey, what's happening here? 170 00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:39,760 Speaker 2: Are we actually going to do this? 171 00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:47,880 Speaker 1: Are we wrong to size up relationships this way? Because 172 00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:50,120 Speaker 1: I have given advice before and I do believe it, 173 00:07:50,760 --> 00:07:54,720 Speaker 1: and people who have been at this point that I say, 174 00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:57,120 Speaker 1: why are you letting perfect to get in the way 175 00:07:57,160 --> 00:07:59,560 Speaker 1: of good? Because we do? And I think, if you 176 00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:01,800 Speaker 1: have your standard and it has to be this, this, this, 177 00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:05,520 Speaker 1: and this, knock yourself out. But sometimes there are unreasonable standards. 178 00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:08,720 Speaker 1: And if there is, he doesn't have one thing. Like 179 00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:10,880 Speaker 1: I've said before, I needed somebody who's six y two 180 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:13,200 Speaker 1: and this dude's only five to nine, then I don't 181 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:15,600 Speaker 1: want him. Fine, if that's for you, But are we 182 00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:18,760 Speaker 1: Is there a threat or a challenge sometime or a 183 00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:23,040 Speaker 1: danger in letting perfect get in the way of perfectly good? 184 00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:26,280 Speaker 2: Absolutely when you can. When you're too picky, yeah, you 185 00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:29,040 Speaker 2: run into problems. I actually was just seeing this the 186 00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:31,200 Speaker 2: other day. Gabby Bernstein, who I love and who's been 187 00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:33,840 Speaker 2: on the podcast. If you haven't listened to our podcast 188 00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:35,800 Speaker 2: with her, please check it out. She's amazing. But she 189 00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:38,600 Speaker 2: talked about how women. She was speaking mostly to women, 190 00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:41,400 Speaker 2: but men to you should put a list, maybe even 191 00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:43,520 Speaker 2: when you're in the dating world or when you're in 192 00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:45,719 Speaker 2: a relationship, of your non negotiables. But it should be 193 00:08:45,760 --> 00:08:48,120 Speaker 2: a short list. It shouldn't be he needs to be 194 00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:51,240 Speaker 2: six feet tall. He needs to be you know, tall, 195 00:08:51,320 --> 00:08:56,480 Speaker 2: dark and handsome. No, we're talking. He's kind, he's flexible, 196 00:08:56,640 --> 00:09:00,360 Speaker 2: he's deferential. Whatever it is that you need, he's even 197 00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:03,920 Speaker 2: if it's he can support me whatever it is you have. 198 00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:06,000 Speaker 2: And she said it shouldn't be more than like five things, 199 00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:10,040 Speaker 2: and it shouldn't be anything physical. But you can have 200 00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:12,160 Speaker 2: your non negotiables, and then you can have would like 201 00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:14,080 Speaker 2: to have, and the would like to have could be 202 00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:16,880 Speaker 2: some of those other attributes. But when you actually look 203 00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:19,920 Speaker 2: at your list, ask yourself, am I being reasonable? 204 00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:21,560 Speaker 3: And is this you know? 205 00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:25,000 Speaker 2: But really take hard steck and recognize you're not going 206 00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:27,880 Speaker 2: to get everything. No one's perfect. You're not perfect, No 207 00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:30,679 Speaker 2: relationship is perfect, and certainly the person you're with is 208 00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:33,160 Speaker 2: going to have flaws or things you don't like about them. 209 00:09:33,360 --> 00:09:34,800 Speaker 1: You're going to get into some of the comments that 210 00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:37,439 Speaker 1: we got from a lot of folks on the article 211 00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:39,160 Speaker 1: with this. I didn't give this advice at the time 212 00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:41,480 Speaker 1: when we did the article, but I'm thinking of it now. 213 00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:43,880 Speaker 1: This is the advice that we give get out of 214 00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:46,959 Speaker 1: that relationship today, not for you, but for her. It's 215 00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:49,920 Speaker 1: not wasting your time. If she is around the same 216 00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:52,560 Speaker 1: age and she is thinking about those things, your head 217 00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:56,960 Speaker 1: is already here. You actually owe her, or it would 218 00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:58,679 Speaker 1: be I know it seems mean to break up with her, 219 00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:01,920 Speaker 1: but you're being kind. I agree, not wasting another year 220 00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:04,480 Speaker 1: or two or whatever of our life. You stay with 221 00:10:04,559 --> 00:10:06,200 Speaker 1: another year, another two, then she got to get over 222 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:07,360 Speaker 1: for another six months, another year. 223 00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:10,760 Speaker 2: Just go ahead, And I think sometimes people need permission 224 00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:13,000 Speaker 2: to leave. They feel bad, they know what's going to 225 00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:15,199 Speaker 2: hurt that person, but they're going to hurt them much 226 00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:18,200 Speaker 2: worse if they stay in and aren't honest with them. 227 00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:21,360 Speaker 1: So I didn't go through it again. It's been a theme. 228 00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:24,280 Speaker 1: So the comments, you're seeing a lot of guys. 229 00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:25,720 Speaker 3: Again, Yeah, really a lot of guys. 230 00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:28,920 Speaker 1: Because Yahoo has a big guy readership. 231 00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:30,679 Speaker 3: They certainly do. 232 00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:44,120 Speaker 2: Welcome back to the ask Amy and TJ edition of 233 00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:48,360 Speaker 2: our podcast where we go over our weekly Yahoo relationship 234 00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:52,040 Speaker 2: advice column, and we have a question that came to 235 00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:54,040 Speaker 2: us from a reader who was asking he's a twenty 236 00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:56,520 Speaker 2: seven year old zoomer, he says, and he's deciding whether 237 00:10:56,559 --> 00:10:59,280 Speaker 2: or not he should settle for his current partner or 238 00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:01,960 Speaker 2: start over and keep looking. He says, he understands or wait, 239 00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:04,720 Speaker 2: the way he sees it, she likes him or loves 240 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:07,040 Speaker 2: him a lot more than he loves her. And the 241 00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:10,880 Speaker 2: comments were well plentiful, I should say that, and there 242 00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:13,000 Speaker 2: were a lot of folks who had some differing opinions. 243 00:11:13,559 --> 00:11:18,120 Speaker 2: We'll start with monk iman O seven. I don't know 244 00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:21,880 Speaker 2: monkeyman O seven. He says, this, Oh, this is very 245 00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:24,680 Speaker 2: much like what my mom said. Love is a choice. 246 00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:29,360 Speaker 2: Lust is a heart flutter. Don't confuse the two. It 247 00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:31,920 Speaker 2: is commitment and a willingness to let go of your 248 00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:36,080 Speaker 2: selfishness and self centeredness for the greater good of a 249 00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:40,160 Speaker 2: long term relationship. Sometimes it is also a spiritual journey 250 00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:42,760 Speaker 2: in learning to let go of resentments and see where 251 00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:43,320 Speaker 2: we need. 252 00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:45,640 Speaker 3: To grow through our choice to love our partner. 253 00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:49,160 Speaker 1: Okay, he makes it sound like love is all self 254 00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:53,559 Speaker 1: contained and that you're making a decision after you've already 255 00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:54,880 Speaker 1: come to a good place in your own life to 256 00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:57,520 Speaker 1: share that with someone. You're making a choice, and that's 257 00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:00,720 Speaker 1: I think that's fine ways some people see it, but 258 00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:03,080 Speaker 1: it's not romantic at all. It's not that fantasy I've 259 00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:04,400 Speaker 1: been seeing since I was a kid. 260 00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:07,400 Speaker 2: It can love be a heart flutter too. He said 261 00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:09,920 Speaker 2: love is a choice. Lust is a heart flutter. 262 00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:11,720 Speaker 1: But I think that's where we get messed up in 263 00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:14,240 Speaker 1: that we don't think we have the love because our 264 00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:16,559 Speaker 1: heart doesn't have the lust. And you can use lose 265 00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:18,719 Speaker 1: that lust and still have the love. But I think 266 00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:21,320 Speaker 1: we want to feel something. We want to feel excited 267 00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:23,840 Speaker 1: when we see our partner when we haven't talked to mowat, 268 00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:27,280 Speaker 1: when you phone buzzes and you look down and it's 269 00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:28,640 Speaker 1: that person you want. 270 00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:31,439 Speaker 2: To feel that do I feel like and maybe this 271 00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:34,040 Speaker 2: is the romantic in me. I do feel like both 272 00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:36,199 Speaker 2: can be the same. They won't always be present. You're 273 00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:39,200 Speaker 2: not always gonna feel lustful towards your partner twenty years 274 00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:40,559 Speaker 2: down the road, thirty years down the. 275 00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:43,760 Speaker 3: Road, but you still will feel that. It just won't be. 276 00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:46,640 Speaker 2: Maybe as strong and as fast and furious as it 277 00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:50,040 Speaker 2: was in the beginning, but it's still If it's completely gone, 278 00:12:50,280 --> 00:12:53,040 Speaker 2: if the flame is out, I think that's really tough 279 00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:56,680 Speaker 2: to manage that and to continue that choice. 280 00:12:56,679 --> 00:12:59,040 Speaker 3: It feels like a burden. I do feel like. 281 00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:03,080 Speaker 2: It's I think it's okay to believe and to know 282 00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:06,360 Speaker 2: that you can have both. Maybe not as strong as before, 283 00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:07,360 Speaker 2: but do you agree. 284 00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:09,880 Speaker 3: I think that that you can't have both. I think 285 00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:10,679 Speaker 3: you should. 286 00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:12,840 Speaker 2: Still be able to feel that desire and that lust 287 00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:17,560 Speaker 2: towards the person you love, even decades later. And I 288 00:13:17,559 --> 00:13:20,360 Speaker 2: think some people absolutely say that's true. Some people think 289 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:21,080 Speaker 2: it's a fantasy. 290 00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:25,280 Speaker 1: Well, this apparently love is a fantasy according to this episode. 291 00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:28,240 Speaker 1: Can we get through this because this is really turning 292 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:28,560 Speaker 1: me off? 293 00:13:28,679 --> 00:13:31,480 Speaker 3: Okay, we'll move on. 294 00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:34,800 Speaker 2: Next to Andrew's comment, he says, the question is do 295 00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:37,760 Speaker 2: you think too much of yourself? Have you tried loving 296 00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:41,040 Speaker 2: her the way she needs rather than just thinking about yourself? 297 00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:43,880 Speaker 2: Do you make a good pair? Do you compliment each 298 00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:46,640 Speaker 2: other when difficult decisions come? Will you be able to 299 00:13:46,679 --> 00:13:49,360 Speaker 2: come to an agreement? The reason why our society is 300 00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:52,120 Speaker 2: anxious and depressed is that they think too much about 301 00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:55,720 Speaker 2: what they think they need or deserve. This doesn't lead 302 00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:58,080 Speaker 2: to good mental health. Think about what you do well 303 00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:00,560 Speaker 2: and try to do it. Give your life for others. 304 00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:02,920 Speaker 2: Life is not easy. What you need is someone that 305 00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,800 Speaker 2: is stable and you can count on that person also 306 00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:07,240 Speaker 2: needs to count on you. 307 00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:11,600 Speaker 1: That was good and well thought out. But he makes 308 00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:13,600 Speaker 1: a good point where how do we find this balance 309 00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:15,800 Speaker 1: of Often times we're told we do need to focus 310 00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:19,080 Speaker 1: on ourselves, we shouldn't settle for less. I think that's 311 00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:22,880 Speaker 1: something that women, certainly, and the themes in recent years 312 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:26,440 Speaker 1: has been there. So we are pounding into everybody's head 313 00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:30,680 Speaker 1: that if you settle for anything less, then you are 314 00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:32,880 Speaker 1: doing a disservice to yourself, that that's not taking care 315 00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:35,480 Speaker 1: of yourself. But love is supposed to be selfless. At 316 00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:37,200 Speaker 1: the same time, we're talking about you should be focused 317 00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:38,920 Speaker 1: on the other person, not you. So what do we 318 00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:39,200 Speaker 1: make of that? 319 00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:42,320 Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean well thought. I actually this one. 320 00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:45,240 Speaker 2: I've I had an AHA moment when I read his 321 00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:49,000 Speaker 2: Andrew's comment because I thought this was so interesting. 322 00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:51,160 Speaker 3: All the shows we watch. 323 00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:54,960 Speaker 2: How often do we hear I deserve better, you deserve better. 324 00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:58,080 Speaker 2: It's this whole concept of deserve and need. And he 325 00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:00,760 Speaker 2: does make a good point that our where our mental 326 00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:04,880 Speaker 2: health in this nation is not going the way in 327 00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:06,680 Speaker 2: the direction we wanted to. It's getting worse, it's not 328 00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:10,680 Speaker 2: getting better despite all the prescription pills available, all the 329 00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:14,840 Speaker 2: mental health centers open, all the hotlines, all the therapists, 330 00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:18,240 Speaker 2: people talk openly about it. Somehow we're not getting better, 331 00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:20,880 Speaker 2: and maybe it is this sole focus on ourselves and 332 00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:23,000 Speaker 2: our needs instead of focusing on others. 333 00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:24,440 Speaker 3: I've well done. 334 00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:27,360 Speaker 2: All right, let's move on now to elle Cat here. 335 00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:29,520 Speaker 2: And by the way, all of these comments, most of 336 00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:31,840 Speaker 2: them were really lengthy. People had a lot to say 337 00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:36,240 Speaker 2: about Chin's question. El Cat says this well for starters. 338 00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:39,000 Speaker 2: Number one, don't use someone and string them along and 339 00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:41,680 Speaker 2: keep them as a placeholder until something better comes along. 340 00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:43,400 Speaker 3: It's not nice. Number two. 341 00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:47,160 Speaker 2: The grass isn't always greener on the other side. Number three. 342 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:49,760 Speaker 2: With my second point, you might end up breaking up 343 00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:53,000 Speaker 2: meeting someone new and then actually settling just to realize 344 00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:55,040 Speaker 2: one year or five years into the marriage that this 345 00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:58,120 Speaker 2: person isn't who you thought they were, or you're actually 346 00:15:58,120 --> 00:16:02,720 Speaker 2: not compatible. Sometimes that garner's resentment, which is a terrible feeling. 347 00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:05,240 Speaker 2: My advice is to break up with your girlfriend and 348 00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:08,160 Speaker 2: spare her wasted time in a relationship where she is 349 00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:11,520 Speaker 2: not valued or loved. Then stay single and work on 350 00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:14,680 Speaker 2: yourself and figure out who you are before making any 351 00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:16,960 Speaker 2: type of long term commitment such as marriage. 352 00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:21,600 Speaker 1: Yeah, that's good advice. Twenty seven still figuring things out 353 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:24,600 Speaker 1: in all likelihood, but he's probably not sure not you know. 354 00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:26,800 Speaker 1: I don't think someone older would have sent this question 355 00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:30,600 Speaker 1: in because they would have known who they are and 356 00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:32,520 Speaker 1: what they want and how they feel, and they would 357 00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:35,400 Speaker 1: also have enough relationship experience and know this thing going 358 00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:38,640 Speaker 1: in the right direction. I bet this very much has 359 00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:40,760 Speaker 1: to do with the age on this one. Not a 360 00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:42,880 Speaker 1: bad thing, but there's experience you still need to gain 361 00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:43,800 Speaker 1: at twenty seven years old. 362 00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:46,720 Speaker 2: Yeah, and we say this, we say this to chin 363 00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:49,280 Speaker 2: having both gotten married at twenty three. 364 00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:51,520 Speaker 3: Okay, and so we get it. 365 00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:54,840 Speaker 2: We at twenty three and even the next time around, 366 00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:56,240 Speaker 2: like it's just you're still. 367 00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:57,160 Speaker 3: Figuring out who you are. 368 00:16:58,000 --> 00:16:59,680 Speaker 2: So I thought that was great advice from el kat 369 00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:04,040 Speaker 2: Right John writes this, I hate the word settle when 370 00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:06,800 Speaker 2: it comes to romance. Are you looking at people as 371 00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:10,760 Speaker 2: commodities that you can upgrade? You either like someone and 372 00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:13,440 Speaker 2: are happy with who they are, or you're not. If 373 00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:15,640 Speaker 2: you're with someone for what they bring to the table, 374 00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:19,960 Speaker 2: then relationships are business decisions for you. Be upfront about 375 00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:23,760 Speaker 2: that fact when you're dating to properly align expectations when 376 00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:25,800 Speaker 2: I hear she likes me more than I like her. 377 00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:30,680 Speaker 2: Everybody expresses their affections differently. If the mismatch causes conflict 378 00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:34,080 Speaker 2: and can't be resolved, move on. But the question of 379 00:17:34,119 --> 00:17:38,040 Speaker 2: should I settle really indicates you no longer want to 380 00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:39,120 Speaker 2: be with your partner. 381 00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:42,919 Speaker 1: Now focusing on the word settle, and again, not to 382 00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:45,960 Speaker 1: insult chin, but it sounds like something from someone who 383 00:17:46,119 --> 00:17:49,560 Speaker 1: is insecure. It sounds like from someone who is unsure 384 00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:53,879 Speaker 1: of themselves because they're trying to measure in some way, 385 00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:58,119 Speaker 1: and you're making yourself feel better by saying someone doesn't 386 00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:00,760 Speaker 1: measure up. And it's always a dangerous thing for people 387 00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:03,200 Speaker 1: to do. The drum major instinct from MLK right, it's 388 00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:04,919 Speaker 1: one of the we always want to be special and 389 00:18:04,920 --> 00:18:07,000 Speaker 1: feel out front, and the way that most people do 390 00:18:07,119 --> 00:18:10,360 Speaker 1: it is you have to make somebody feel less than 391 00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:13,440 Speaker 1: You have to put somebody down first to make yourself 392 00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:17,480 Speaker 1: feel better. He's insulting her in this way. He's comparing 393 00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:19,960 Speaker 1: almost call and putting himself up on a pedestal like 394 00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:22,480 Speaker 1: I'm special and yeah she's crazy about me, but I 395 00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:25,679 Speaker 1: don't like her. It's a weird childish thing to do. 396 00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:28,600 Speaker 1: Almost again, not insulting Chin, but it just sounds familiar. 397 00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:32,160 Speaker 1: And whoever just wrote in kind of kind of made 398 00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:34,360 Speaker 1: that point for me that I hadn't considered. 399 00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:37,360 Speaker 2: Yeah, because it does sound more like a business transaction 400 00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:40,879 Speaker 2: where you're comparing what you've got with what she's got, 401 00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:42,679 Speaker 2: with how she's feeling, with how you're feeling. But if 402 00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:45,040 Speaker 2: you're already going there and already doing that, and I 403 00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:48,160 Speaker 2: think everyone it sounds like from everyone that I read 404 00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:51,399 Speaker 2: putting in a comment, and certainly what our advice was, 405 00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:54,680 Speaker 2: I think it's pretty universal. At this point, Chin needs 406 00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:59,359 Speaker 2: to break up with his girlfriend and do it. Is 407 00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:01,879 Speaker 2: exactly for her sake one hundred percent, and the probably 408 00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:03,760 Speaker 2: the reason why he's staying is for his sake because 409 00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:06,480 Speaker 2: it feels safe and it feels comfortable. But Jin, we 410 00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:08,880 Speaker 2: think you need to move on and it's the best 411 00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:12,360 Speaker 2: thing you can do for your girlfriend and for yourself. 412 00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:14,960 Speaker 2: Well with that, folks, thank you so much for listening 413 00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:17,160 Speaker 2: to us. And please, if you haven't checked out the column, 414 00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:20,679 Speaker 2: it's in the Yahoo Life section ask Amy and TJ, 415 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:22,720 Speaker 2: and please feel free to leave a comment. We love 416 00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:26,240 Speaker 2: reading them and we certainly hope you love listening to 417 00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:29,240 Speaker 2: or at least listening to us here, but reading the 418 00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:33,280 Speaker 2: columns that come out every Monday on the Yahoo Life section. 419 00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:36,200 Speaker 2: So thanks for listening to us right now. We hope 420 00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:39,040 Speaker 2: you have a wonderful Tuesday. I'm Amy robot on behalf 421 00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:39,800 Speaker 2: of my partner TJ. 422 00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:42,200 Speaker 3: Holmes. We'll see you tomorrow