WEBVTT - The Fifth Hour: The Original Big Dumper 0:00:00.720 --> 0:00:01.440 Kabooms. 0:00:02.279 --> 0:00:05.360 If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes 0:00:05.400 --> 0:00:09.200 a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants 0:00:09.200 --> 0:00:12.480 of the old Republic, a soul fashion of fairness. He 0:00:12.560 --> 0:00:15.480 treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the 0:00:15.600 --> 0:00:19.440 rich pill poppers in the penthouse. Wow to the Clearinghouse 0:00:19.480 --> 0:00:23.200 of hot takes, break free for something special. The Fifth 0:00:23.200 --> 0:00:29.400 Hour with Ben Maller starts right now. 0:00:28.960 --> 0:00:33.880 In the air everywhere The Fifth Hour with Me, Ben 0:00:34.000 --> 0:00:36.880 Mahler and Danny g radio along. 0:00:36.920 --> 0:00:39.159 He'll join us at some point over the weekend. 0:00:39.560 --> 0:00:44.680 As we are settling on this Friday, the eighteenth day 0:00:45.080 --> 0:00:49.360 of July, early in the am, as we get the 0:00:49.479 --> 0:00:50.519 party started. 0:00:50.560 --> 0:00:50.680 Now. 0:00:50.680 --> 0:00:54.760 I was away from my post last night as I 0:00:54.920 --> 0:00:58.160 guard the overnight, and I did not fly the Red 0:00:58.200 --> 0:01:03.640 Eye flight. This was not my decision, it was by request. 0:01:04.400 --> 0:01:08.600 The wife had requested that I take the night off. 0:01:08.640 --> 0:01:11.160 We had some plans, so I did take the night off. 0:01:11.160 --> 0:01:14.280 But the podcast, which you can do anywhere, including the 0:01:14.440 --> 0:01:17.000 super secret location I am at right now, I will 0:01:17.000 --> 0:01:19.840 not reveal my identity as far as where I am, 0:01:20.640 --> 0:01:22.560 but you can do these kind of podcasts anywhere. 0:01:22.680 --> 0:01:23.720 So we're hanging out. 0:01:23.800 --> 0:01:27.240 It is National Sour Candy Day to day on this Friday, 0:01:27.400 --> 0:01:30.760 very exciting unless it's not. Now, I do like these 0:01:30.800 --> 0:01:33.800 fun facts about these dopey holidays. So I went back 0:01:33.880 --> 0:01:38.200 down a rabbit hole kind of looking at various fun 0:01:38.280 --> 0:01:42.400 facts about candy, and there were a couple of things 0:01:42.400 --> 0:01:46.280 that stood out in my due diligence that in the 0:01:46.360 --> 0:01:51.320 early days of America, you talk about candy being consumed 0:01:51.320 --> 0:01:57.440 by the masses, there was pretty basic candy. The people 0:01:57.480 --> 0:02:00.960 that made the candy did not want to risk losing 0:02:01.040 --> 0:02:05.280 credibility with the customer, so they wouldn't try anything new. 0:02:05.720 --> 0:02:10.200 Now I mentioned it's National Sour Candy Day today, and 0:02:10.440 --> 0:02:13.280 one of the other big events was in the nineteen fifties. 0:02:13.280 --> 0:02:15.480 If you're of a certain age, you probably know about this. 0:02:15.919 --> 0:02:18.840 I wasn't aware of it. I always thought since the 0:02:18.880 --> 0:02:22.080 beginning of time, going back to the Middle Ages and 0:02:22.120 --> 0:02:25.000 before that, when it was Halloween time, you just gave 0:02:25.000 --> 0:02:29.880 out candy. But this was actually a brilliant marketing move 0:02:30.600 --> 0:02:33.920 by the people that make candy. They're like, listen, we 0:02:33.960 --> 0:02:38.720 are guaranteed in the end of October. October thirty first, 0:02:38.720 --> 0:02:42.840 on Nick Saban's birthday, to move a ton of product 0:02:43.360 --> 0:02:49.640 if we can combine the Halloween holiday and you must 0:02:49.760 --> 0:02:53.800 give candy to the kids. And so in the nineteen 0:02:53.840 --> 0:02:57.320 fifties that became mainstream. The people that made the candy 0:02:57.800 --> 0:03:03.120 created campaigns, marketing camp is to link Halloween and candy together, 0:03:03.639 --> 0:03:05.600 and you can't say no to that because it's for 0:03:05.720 --> 0:03:06.359 the children. 0:03:07.080 --> 0:03:11.120 And that was a defining. 0:03:10.680 --> 0:03:13.040 Point, a point of demarcation with the people that made 0:03:13.080 --> 0:03:15.320 the candy were like, well, we don't have to really 0:03:15.360 --> 0:03:18.120 worry about credibility because we're selling so much candy. 0:03:18.360 --> 0:03:20.040 We can try some different crap. 0:03:21.080 --> 0:03:23.400 And in the nineteen fifties one of the things that 0:03:23.840 --> 0:03:28.000 came out was the atomic fireball, so like a kind 0:03:28.000 --> 0:03:30.359 of a tart taste. Those things are still around. I 0:03:30.360 --> 0:03:33.360 don't know if they're called the atomic fireballs. And that 0:03:34.080 --> 0:03:41.360 was the beginning of the sour candy, sour candy volcano 0:03:41.480 --> 0:03:48.000 that went kaboom interrupted. According to my research, my keyboard research, 0:03:48.120 --> 0:03:51.720 my two minute research, and it was in nineteen sixty 0:03:51.800 --> 0:03:58.280 two that lemonhead candy. Lemonhead candy became a thing. It 0:03:58.320 --> 0:04:00.720 was introduced, it became a big hit in the early 0:04:00.800 --> 0:04:06.200 nineteen sixties, and then thirty years later, in the nineties, 0:04:07.200 --> 0:04:11.360 the Foreign Candy Company whatever that is, brought Warheads to 0:04:11.360 --> 0:04:14.320 the US. I remember when the warheads became very popular. 0:04:15.280 --> 0:04:18.240 They had been in Thailand and they came over and 0:04:18.279 --> 0:04:19.880 they were like, oh my god, this is so great. 0:04:20.680 --> 0:04:23.400 And that was a massive explosion. And we got a 0:04:23.400 --> 0:04:27.919 whole bunch of other sour candies and all that. So 0:04:28.000 --> 0:04:35.599 it is National Sour Candy Day. Celebrate appropriately, enjoy some 0:04:35.760 --> 0:04:36.720 nice sour candies. 0:04:36.720 --> 0:04:39.200 So on this edition of The Fifth. 0:04:38.920 --> 0:04:42.640 Hour, which you listen to whenever you want, we have 0:04:44.080 --> 0:04:49.320 it's kind of like Shark Week and the original Big Dumper. 0:04:50.680 --> 0:04:52.640 We've got that and some other things that we have time, 0:04:52.640 --> 0:04:55.919 but we'll begin with this. So the games return today. 0:04:56.680 --> 0:04:59.120 The games returned today and tonight, and there's Cubs and 0:04:59.160 --> 0:05:01.640 the Red Sox played game, but then most of the 0:05:01.640 --> 0:05:05.440 games are at night tonight, as the Major League Baseball 0:05:05.480 --> 0:05:09.560 schedule returns. All Star Week has come and gone. We 0:05:09.680 --> 0:05:13.200 had the swing Off. It's in the record books, although 0:05:13.240 --> 0:05:15.840 Aaron Judge and sho hail Tani didn't see it. They 0:05:15.839 --> 0:05:20.679 were on planes leaving Atlanta. But this is a week 0:05:21.279 --> 0:05:26.640 many blowhards dread. Many blowhards dread. Oh I can't believe 0:05:27.080 --> 0:05:29.279 you see a lot of people taking vacation this week, 0:05:29.760 --> 0:05:32.520 people like Colin Cowhard, Dan Patrick and others. 0:05:33.120 --> 0:05:34.320 I've taken some time off. 0:05:34.600 --> 0:05:38.039 Now, if you've been listening, and I don't listen that 0:05:38.160 --> 0:05:40.760 much because I don't want to steal someone else's material, 0:05:40.800 --> 0:05:42.720 but I hear the promos on Fox Sports Radio, and 0:05:42.760 --> 0:05:46.360 I hear some other random things via text and whatnot. 0:05:47.160 --> 0:05:49.040 So if you've been listening. 0:05:48.640 --> 0:05:53.560 To the various shows, you probably have heard the menu 0:05:53.960 --> 0:05:54.800 that is being. 0:05:54.640 --> 0:05:56.480 Used by all the maniacs that do this. 0:05:56.520 --> 0:06:01.719 We have rebranded this part of the All Star Week 0:06:01.720 --> 0:06:06.159 in Major League Baseball. It's It's list Week, is what 0:06:06.279 --> 0:06:08.040 it is, right, It's I mean, though the way say it, 0:06:08.760 --> 0:06:10.320 there's really no all the way to say it. It's 0:06:10.360 --> 0:06:13.960 It's list Week, the four days in the middle of 0:06:14.080 --> 0:06:22.120 July when sports radio hosts, TV pundits, podcasters, YouTubers become 0:06:22.240 --> 0:06:27.560 professional rankers of things and reactors to ranking things and 0:06:27.640 --> 0:06:31.120 other people doing. It's kind of like Shark Week. It 0:06:31.279 --> 0:06:35.360 is perfect for lazy radio, it really is. Now we've 0:06:35.440 --> 0:06:37.840 talked on this show, and if you listen to the 0:06:37.839 --> 0:06:42.400 Overnight show, you know that we give announcements every so often, 0:06:42.480 --> 0:06:48.800 usually around Thanksgiving and Christmas, watch out for lazy sports. 0:06:48.560 --> 0:06:50.800 Radio and dead give away. 0:06:51.040 --> 0:06:54.479 The dead giveaway for lazy sports radio is when your 0:06:54.560 --> 0:06:57.520 favorite talk show host says, who's been naughty? 0:06:57.560 --> 0:07:00.000 Who's been nice this year? Who? What do you think? 0:07:00.080 --> 0:07:02.080 Thankful foreign sports for Thanksgiving? 0:07:02.160 --> 0:07:02.400 Right? 0:07:02.520 --> 0:07:04.560 Who would you invite to Thanksgiving dinner? 0:07:05.080 --> 0:07:07.560 New Year's also, So those are the three big holidays 0:07:07.560 --> 0:07:11.000 for lazy sports radio. But here in this list week, 0:07:11.040 --> 0:07:14.160 which is kind of like Shark Week, the ingredients are 0:07:14.720 --> 0:07:18.240 top five breakout stars of the baseball season, top ten 0:07:18.400 --> 0:07:19.560 NFL uniforms. 0:07:19.760 --> 0:07:21.840 Who's the most overrated manager? 0:07:22.000 --> 0:07:25.760 Right? I have ten right here? Least likable NFL stars? 0:07:26.600 --> 0:07:31.000 A favorite bathroom bloopers in sports? Was it Paul Pierce 0:07:31.600 --> 0:07:34.520 when he had that incident in Boston and he needed 0:07:34.560 --> 0:07:36.000 the wheelchair because he pooped his pants? 0:07:36.120 --> 0:07:37.560 Was it Lamar Jackson running. 0:07:37.280 --> 0:07:40.040 Off the field because he had die die diarrhea? Or 0:07:40.120 --> 0:07:43.280 Ben Bishop during the Stanley Cup finals also having diarrhea. 0:07:43.920 --> 0:07:46.560 It doesn't matter, It does not matter what it is, 0:07:46.600 --> 0:07:48.240 as long as you put a number on it. 0:07:48.920 --> 0:07:52.680 Odd numbers are preferred. More bite, more bite. Now. 0:07:52.760 --> 0:07:55.920 Years ago, as a young Benny Blowhard, I was learning 0:07:55.960 --> 0:08:00.920 my craft in press boxes around Los Angeles. Is I 0:08:01.040 --> 0:08:04.679 learned the truth about the list from the patron saying 0:08:04.720 --> 0:08:07.160 of cynical sports writing, the late great TJ. 0:08:07.320 --> 0:08:08.800 Simers rest in piece. TJ. 0:08:09.760 --> 0:08:14.160 TJ didn't just right list, he weaponized them. He knew 0:08:14.800 --> 0:08:17.000 all of the magic of the list. Now. 0:08:17.000 --> 0:08:21.400 He told me once as a young lad, if you want. 0:08:21.160 --> 0:08:24.440 People to talk about your little show, just leave shack 0:08:24.640 --> 0:08:25.240 off a list. 0:08:25.240 --> 0:08:28.320 And this was back when Shaq and Kobe were the. 0:08:28.280 --> 0:08:31.000 Bombity bombity Bombiti bamedy Bombitay with the Lakers. 0:08:31.480 --> 0:08:32.720 So he's like, oh yeah, just leave them. 0:08:32.720 --> 0:08:35.720 Other people will freak out and boom right, It's true, 0:08:35.800 --> 0:08:39.640 like phones would light up. There was really no social 0:08:39.679 --> 0:08:41.760 media in those days, so we don't have to worry 0:08:41.800 --> 0:08:45.880 about that. But you're suddenly the star of the outrage 0:08:45.920 --> 0:08:51.760 industrial complex. And because the inside skinny on this, the 0:08:51.840 --> 0:08:57.079 truth on this. Lists are just spam. They're just filler. 0:08:57.160 --> 0:08:59.960 They're not it's not like journalism. You don't turn in 0:09:00.040 --> 0:09:02.440 a radio show for journalism, you know, going on social 0:09:02.480 --> 0:09:07.720 media for journalism, you're looking for opinions, right, your opinionator, 0:09:08.160 --> 0:09:11.320 But the list is bait. 0:09:11.559 --> 0:09:13.640 Now, we don't do lists on the Ben Maler shows. 0:09:13.679 --> 0:09:14.400 You know, we don't do that. 0:09:14.679 --> 0:09:18.200 But the list is a bright shiny thing. It's outrage bait. 0:09:18.760 --> 0:09:22.400 And TJ taught me back in those days. This is 0:09:22.400 --> 0:09:25.320 how they make the hot balks. You gotta throw one 0:09:25.520 --> 0:09:29.480 ridiculous opinion in the middle of an otherwise normal rank. 0:09:29.920 --> 0:09:31.280 For example, I give you an exent. We have a 0:09:31.280 --> 0:09:35.880 great example this week of this type of activity. There 0:09:36.120 --> 0:09:41.560 was someone who works on Cowhard show, the consiciliere for 0:09:41.679 --> 0:09:47.000 Colin Cowhard, who put Nicola Jokic, I believe, either equal 0:09:47.080 --> 0:09:51.160 to or behind DeAndre Ayton, because DeAndre Aden played for 0:09:51.200 --> 0:09:53.000 the Lake now with the Lakers, and this guy's like 0:09:53.040 --> 0:09:54.400 a Laker fanboy, and so. 0:09:54.360 --> 0:09:57.760 He put DeAndre Ayton either ahead. 0:09:57.800 --> 0:09:59.599 I didn't see if somebody had sent this to me, 0:09:59.640 --> 0:10:01.200 and I didn't and I didn't watch it, but he 0:10:01.240 --> 0:10:03.079 had sent me the Lincoln there was like it was 0:10:03.120 --> 0:10:06.079 written up so and so says DeAndre Ayton is either 0:10:06.120 --> 0:10:09.559 as good as Nicola Jokic or better, And so that 0:10:09.679 --> 0:10:14.600 is that's what that's tossing a bloody steak into a 0:10:14.800 --> 0:10:20.199 cage of lions. And the thing that I've learned over 0:10:20.200 --> 0:10:22.440 the years, and again I don't do this. If Terry 0:10:22.480 --> 0:10:25.000 and England's listening, I don't do this, but people have 0:10:25.040 --> 0:10:30.480 to react. It's primal, right, we're cavemen in this case, 0:10:30.520 --> 0:10:34.880 cavemen with microphones. But just by listening, people get all 0:10:34.920 --> 0:10:36.120 worked up into a lather. 0:10:37.040 --> 0:10:40.320 Who belongs in the top ten clutch hitters in baseball 0:10:40.400 --> 0:10:44.720 since nineteen ninety seven? Can you include you know so 0:10:44.840 --> 0:10:49.080 and so, who are the top non steroid players in baseball? 0:10:49.240 --> 0:10:51.280 Well, how do you know who's on steroids who's not? 0:10:51.720 --> 0:10:55.319 But here are my ten? And you succumb to it. 0:10:55.400 --> 0:10:58.079 You do even if you know better. And I'm telling 0:10:58.120 --> 0:10:59.920 you right now, and you'll still do it. 0:11:00.000 --> 0:11:01.120 But you will. 0:11:02.040 --> 0:11:03.880 And of course those of us that host these shows, 0:11:03.880 --> 0:11:06.040 the people that are kind of lazy, they love it. 0:11:06.120 --> 0:11:07.959 I mean, come on these. 0:11:08.559 --> 0:11:11.520 Particular days where you're doing it's like Shark Week, but 0:11:11.520 --> 0:11:15.880 it's list week. They eat up so much valuable talk radio, 0:11:15.960 --> 0:11:19.480 real estate, the airtime. It's like Joey Chestnut with a 0:11:19.520 --> 0:11:23.480 plate of hot dogs on Coney Island in Brooklyn. Right, 0:11:23.840 --> 0:11:27.760 And you can debate them, you dismantle them, you rebuild them. 0:11:28.440 --> 0:11:34.280 One list like one simple list, one benign list turns 0:11:34.320 --> 0:11:39.319 into four hours of programming and three days of call ins. 0:11:40.160 --> 0:11:43.080 How could you leave Otadi off the list of the 0:11:43.200 --> 0:11:47.160 greatest baseball players the last thirty five years? 0:11:47.600 --> 0:11:51.520 Do you think Bryce Harper is better than Aaron Judge? 0:11:52.080 --> 0:11:57.559 You must be a Philadelphia fanboy. What's wrong with you? 0:11:57.559 --> 0:11:57.760 You know? 0:11:57.880 --> 0:11:59.319 He just goes on and on. 0:11:59.679 --> 0:12:04.160 It's it's not conversation, it's content, is what it is. 0:12:04.240 --> 0:12:08.480 And by today, right by today, here we are on 0:12:08.040 --> 0:12:12.520 this Friday. If you've been consuming, it's like the top 0:12:12.559 --> 0:12:18.240 twenty five most ridiculous list of list week ranked. Of course, 0:12:18.280 --> 0:12:22.440 so that has become a staple. That's something that's relatively 0:12:22.559 --> 0:12:27.079 new and it's not going to end anytime soon. So 0:12:27.160 --> 0:12:30.800 if you market on your calendar the summer of twenty 0:12:30.880 --> 0:12:33.000 twenty six, although I guess they might have the Olympics, 0:12:33.000 --> 0:12:34.679 so maybe the All Star Game won't be going on. 0:12:34.640 --> 0:12:37.280 But either way they will, there will be this kind 0:12:37.320 --> 0:12:37.920 of content. 0:12:38.240 --> 0:12:40.240 And again for those of you will late to the party, 0:12:40.240 --> 0:12:41.719 who for some reason, I don't know how you'd be 0:12:41.800 --> 0:12:44.800 late to the party on a freaking podcast. It's a 0:12:44.840 --> 0:12:50.000 podcast anyway. On the Ben Mather Show, we don't do lists. 0:12:50.320 --> 0:12:50.560 Now. 0:12:50.600 --> 0:12:53.600 Occasionally I will dabble in Big Ben's Big board. But 0:12:53.679 --> 0:12:56.120 Big Ben's Big Board is not a list, right, it 0:12:56.200 --> 0:12:58.960 is not. It doesn't sound like a list. It doesn't 0:12:58.960 --> 0:13:01.160 look like a list. It does and taste like a list. 0:13:01.640 --> 0:13:03.400 It doesn't hit you in the head like a list. 0:13:03.679 --> 0:13:08.680 It's much different. Ferg Dog, doing his due diligence, said Ben. 0:13:08.760 --> 0:13:10.880 He said this in my head. I don't know if 0:13:10.880 --> 0:13:12.080 he actually said it, but he said. In my head, 0:13:12.120 --> 0:13:13.920 he said, Ben, you know when you do Big Ben's Board, 0:13:14.640 --> 0:13:18.360 a Big Ben's Big Board, that is that's top of 0:13:18.360 --> 0:13:21.680 the world radio and the people that do the list, 0:13:21.720 --> 0:13:23.520 they just don't understand. I said, you know what, Ferg Dog. 0:13:23.559 --> 0:13:25.400 In my head, we have this conversation. I see you're 0:13:25.400 --> 0:13:27.680 absolutely right, all right now, turning the page from that, 0:13:28.640 --> 0:13:31.400 I've gotten some pretty good feedback from you idiots on 0:13:31.679 --> 0:13:33.360 what we've done in recent weeks. 0:13:33.400 --> 0:13:34.760 I've kind of changed up the podcast a. 0:13:34.760 --> 0:13:37.120 Little bit, kind of going into more Mallard monologues and 0:13:37.200 --> 0:13:40.079 storytelling and crap like that. Not that I didn't do 0:13:40.120 --> 0:13:42.040 that before, but we just changed it up a little bit. 0:13:42.320 --> 0:13:44.839 The feedback has been pretty good, the downloads have been good. 0:13:45.280 --> 0:13:48.559 So I will now go behind the curtain yet again. 0:13:50.000 --> 0:13:52.000 Oh my god, he's going behind the cart. 0:13:52.160 --> 0:13:57.520 Yeah yeah, So like all good stories, it started out 0:13:57.559 --> 0:14:03.679 like a normal day out at my beloved Mallor mansion 0:14:03.800 --> 0:14:09.040 with my beloved English bulldog, Moxie. And I woke up 0:14:09.760 --> 0:14:13.640 in the early afternoon, rolled out of bed, and I 0:14:13.640 --> 0:14:18.480 splashed just a dabble water on my face and off 0:14:18.520 --> 0:14:21.640 to the races, hit the ground running. Now, unbeknowns to me, 0:14:22.440 --> 0:14:27.240 while I slept, there was a surprise waiting for me. Now, 0:14:27.240 --> 0:14:29.760 I didn't know when I went to bed that I 0:14:29.800 --> 0:14:32.000 would be woken up with the surprise. 0:14:32.080 --> 0:14:33.080 I did not realize that. 0:14:33.160 --> 0:14:34.680 I didn't even know when I woke up and then 0:14:34.720 --> 0:14:36.240 put water on my face that we were going to 0:14:36.280 --> 0:14:38.960 get a surprise. I had no idea because it's a surprise, 0:14:40.400 --> 0:14:44.480 And if I had only known what awaited me, I 0:14:44.560 --> 0:14:47.480 would have likely stayed in bed. I would have stayed 0:14:47.520 --> 0:14:51.280 in bed. I get up, usually run down, jump on 0:14:51.280 --> 0:14:54.720 the treadmill or whatever. So I get put a little 0:14:54.720 --> 0:14:59.480 water on the face and go down to the kitchen area. 0:15:00.080 --> 0:15:04.520 And my friend Moxie had decided. 0:15:04.160 --> 0:15:05.960 That she was going to join the military. 0:15:06.680 --> 0:15:11.120 She had unleashed a biological weapon in the Malor mansion. 0:15:11.240 --> 0:15:16.120 In the kitchen. Now forget the Daily Double. This is 0:15:16.200 --> 0:15:21.880 not the Daily Double. We're talking about a trifecta situation. Okay, 0:15:22.720 --> 0:15:27.160 not just a little accident on the tile in the kitchen. 0:15:27.360 --> 0:15:28.000 No, no, no, no. 0:15:28.840 --> 0:15:34.320 My friend Moxie, bless her portly soul, unleashed the three 0:15:34.440 --> 0:15:39.840 headed fire breathing dragon. We had poop over here, pee 0:15:39.880 --> 0:15:43.560 over there, and vomit. She rode the vomit comet, the 0:15:43.560 --> 0:15:49.520 Big three. This was mission unflushable. Now people talk about 0:15:49.520 --> 0:15:51.480 cal Raley, he won the home run Derby this week. 0:15:51.480 --> 0:15:54.280 He's having a great year for the Mariners. But forget 0:15:54.360 --> 0:16:02.240 cal Raley, Seattle's self anoided big dumper. Moxie is the 0:16:02.280 --> 0:16:06.080 real deal. Moxie is the o G. She doesn't need 0:16:06.120 --> 0:16:09.160 a nickname. I gave her one. She doesn't need a 0:16:09.240 --> 0:16:13.840 nickname though. She is a one dog toxic spill again, 0:16:14.280 --> 0:16:15.640 biological weapon. 0:16:15.960 --> 0:16:16.600 Hello. 0:16:17.280 --> 0:16:19.760 Now you're probably wondering. You said, hey, Ben, why did 0:16:19.800 --> 0:16:22.560 this happen? How did this happen? Shouldn't Moxie have been outside? 0:16:22.600 --> 0:16:25.960 Don't you have a doggy door? All good questions. So 0:16:26.000 --> 0:16:28.440 we do have a doggy door. There's a problem. The 0:16:28.520 --> 0:16:32.040 doggy door was for Bella, our old dog, Bella, a 0:16:32.040 --> 0:16:35.520 little lap dog, very small dog, great dog. We loved Bella. 0:16:35.560 --> 0:16:38.400 We sometimes I call Moxy Bella. Have you ever done that? 0:16:38.440 --> 0:16:42.040 When you change dogs and you don't just muscle memory, 0:16:42.080 --> 0:16:44.480 you call the new dog the old dog. Is very odd. 0:16:44.960 --> 0:16:46.160 The dogs don't really know their name. 0:16:46.200 --> 0:16:48.640 They just kind of recognize the sound a little bit, 0:16:48.640 --> 0:16:51.680 but they don't really know anyway. So we had a 0:16:51.720 --> 0:16:57.320 doggy door put in for our dog, Bella. We got Moxie. 0:16:58.040 --> 0:17:02.160 The problem is, Moxie is is so fat that she 0:17:02.280 --> 0:17:05.120 will not fit through the doggy door, and it's very 0:17:05.119 --> 0:17:08.600 expensive to expand the doggy door, so we've chosen to 0:17:08.640 --> 0:17:11.640 not do that. So we have to take Moxie out 0:17:11.880 --> 0:17:14.359 when Moxie needs to go to the bathroom. Now, there's 0:17:14.359 --> 0:17:17.960 a routine. Normally what happens is she's our watch dog. 0:17:18.040 --> 0:17:20.680 She guards the house. So when I come in from 0:17:20.680 --> 0:17:23.000 the radio show in the very early mornings of the hour, 0:17:23.359 --> 0:17:26.800 early morning hours, rather, I will put Moxie outside for 0:17:26.840 --> 0:17:30.120 a potty break, and she's. 0:17:29.960 --> 0:17:32.879 Potty trained, so she'll go to the bathroom, she'll do 0:17:32.960 --> 0:17:36.199 her thing. I'll take her back in. Normally. Sometimes i'll 0:17:36.280 --> 0:17:37.399 leave her out. I'll take her back in. 0:17:37.520 --> 0:17:40.600 Normally she's fine. Because then I wake up. I don't 0:17:40.600 --> 0:17:42.679 sleep that long. I sleep like four or five hours 0:17:42.760 --> 0:17:45.080 the most. So when I get up, I put her 0:17:45.119 --> 0:17:47.480 back outside. She goes to the bathroom. So me and 0:17:47.520 --> 0:17:48.560 Moxie have this down. 0:17:48.600 --> 0:17:48.879 Pat. 0:17:48.920 --> 0:17:52.800 We've got a system, you know, the Moxie system, and. 0:17:53.240 --> 0:17:54.240 It's gone pretty well. 0:17:55.640 --> 0:18:00.199 But the reason that this happened, to get to the why, 0:18:00.720 --> 0:18:04.399 Like all great disasters, it started with good intentions. So 0:18:04.480 --> 0:18:06.399 I mentioned, I get home from the radio show, I 0:18:06.520 --> 0:18:11.080 leave the dog outside on this day. I decided to 0:18:11.080 --> 0:18:13.119 go take a shower and kind of relax a little bit, 0:18:13.119 --> 0:18:13.520 I told. 0:18:13.400 --> 0:18:15.080 My My wife gets home from work a. 0:18:15.080 --> 0:18:17.520 Little after me, so I told her, I said, listen, 0:18:17.600 --> 0:18:20.159 why don't you put the dog. I'm gonna stay up 0:18:20.160 --> 0:18:23.000 here in you know, I'm gonna kind of relax, try 0:18:23.040 --> 0:18:24.960 to unplug my brain. And I got a lot of 0:18:25.000 --> 0:18:27.159 bandwidth up here. So why don't you just let the 0:18:27.160 --> 0:18:31.480 dog in when you get home? And that's that so fine. 0:18:32.720 --> 0:18:37.640 So my wife, my lovely, thoughtful, nurturing wife, a real 0:18:37.640 --> 0:18:40.720 sweet spirit, she decided that Moxie had been a good 0:18:40.720 --> 0:18:45.520 dog eat and deserved a gourmet meal. We're not talking 0:18:45.560 --> 0:18:48.560 about a dog meal like kibble, We're not talking about 0:18:48.600 --> 0:18:54.840 milk bone Scooby snacks as Andre gives his dog Willis. No, no, no, no, 0:18:55.320 --> 0:18:59.920 We're talking chicken over here, potatoes over there, and colin 0:19:00.200 --> 0:19:01.600 flower everywhere. 0:19:02.560 --> 0:19:08.560 That's right, cauliflower for a bulldog. Who does that? Well? 0:19:08.560 --> 0:19:12.359 My wife does. But seriously, look, I wouldn't. I would 0:19:12.400 --> 0:19:16.080 only eat cauliflower if you paid me, and even then 0:19:16.200 --> 0:19:18.199 I would need a lot of money to do it. 0:19:19.200 --> 0:19:21.680 So this is a dog that does not need cauliflower 0:19:22.320 --> 0:19:28.199 to stink bomb the entire home. And cauliflower it's like 0:19:28.359 --> 0:19:31.720 eating fart spray. It's it's good if you want to 0:19:31.760 --> 0:19:33.960 clear out your system and smell up the room. 0:19:34.400 --> 0:19:35.720 People talk about garlic. 0:19:36.480 --> 0:19:41.160 Garlic smells like a five hundred dollars bottle of perfume 0:19:41.920 --> 0:19:45.119 compared to cauliflower, and it's not even close. 0:19:45.359 --> 0:19:48.560 So what do you think happens? Again? You know I 0:19:48.640 --> 0:19:50.120 left the dog out. 0:19:50.400 --> 0:19:52.280 My wife said, ah, I will give Maxia a nice 0:19:52.280 --> 0:19:57.080 gourmet meal, the chicken, the potato, the cauliflower, And so 0:19:58.400 --> 0:20:02.640 what happened? Get to the point, please, we have a 0:20:03.200 --> 0:20:11.520 very portly barrel chested English pulldog eating this satanic vegetable. 0:20:12.920 --> 0:20:14.280 So I can tell you what I lived it. 0:20:15.800 --> 0:20:21.040 She became an Oscar wild quote when life imitates art, 0:20:21.400 --> 0:20:27.520 Moxie became a living, breathing vomit comet. She rode the 0:20:27.600 --> 0:20:33.119 vomit comment. She laid waste like Sherman through Georgia. If 0:20:33.160 --> 0:20:39.119 you know your history, it was unreal there. In fact, 0:20:39.160 --> 0:20:40.800 I'm pretty sure right now if you were to come 0:20:40.800 --> 0:20:42.880 over to the Malor mansion, you're not invited. 0:20:43.119 --> 0:20:44.960 There's a crater in the kitchen. 0:20:46.080 --> 0:20:49.520 Even blind Scott can see the crater like inca Terra's like, 0:20:49.560 --> 0:20:53.920 I can't believe that, And I think FEMA may have 0:20:54.000 --> 0:20:57.720 to assess the damage on that. So now this led 0:20:57.760 --> 0:20:59.320 to what what do you think this all that? Tod Now, 0:20:59.359 --> 0:21:04.720 obviously there's a major cleanup, major cleanup. Guess who got 0:21:04.720 --> 0:21:06.560 to do the cleanup? That's right? 0:21:08.160 --> 0:21:09.439 Yeah, uh. 0:21:09.480 --> 0:21:13.400 And I normally don't get that affected by this type 0:21:13.440 --> 0:21:17.000 of stuff. Dog's poop, humans, you know, poop, it's you know, 0:21:17.480 --> 0:21:20.840 the vomit was a little much. So this led to what, 0:21:21.119 --> 0:21:23.640 as they say in the mob, we had to sit down, 0:21:25.000 --> 0:21:26.720 and you know, want to sit down. If you don't 0:21:26.720 --> 0:21:29.639 make a compelling argument, you're not getting out alive. So 0:21:29.840 --> 0:21:32.520 I had to pull the wife aside, and I had 0:21:32.560 --> 0:21:34.600 to have a sit down with the wife and I 0:21:34.640 --> 0:21:39.560 had to explain that we must as a as a family, 0:21:40.000 --> 0:21:42.960 cut back on the artillery. We're spending way too much 0:21:43.640 --> 0:21:49.520 on weaponry. We don't need to weaponize Moxie. Moxie naturally 0:21:49.600 --> 0:21:52.640 has weapons. We don't need to give them more. What 0:21:52.680 --> 0:21:56.320 we did is create a biological weapon that we did 0:21:56.320 --> 0:21:59.040 not need to do. We did not need to do. 0:21:59.520 --> 0:22:08.760 And my wife, but she gave Moxie artillery. And it's 0:22:08.760 --> 0:22:11.240 one thing to give Moxy a little bit of food. 0:22:11.280 --> 0:22:12.080 It's another thing to. 0:22:12.040 --> 0:22:17.600 Feed Moxie a lunch from Whole Foods, which is essentially 0:22:17.640 --> 0:22:21.800 the equivalent of loading a howitzer with napalm and turning 0:22:21.840 --> 0:22:23.920 it on in your own kitchen. 0:22:25.280 --> 0:22:26.080 That's what happened. 0:22:26.880 --> 0:22:31.679 And the kicker of kickers, now Moxye, who knows. They 0:22:31.680 --> 0:22:34.439 don't talk, These damn dogs don't talk. But I'm going 0:22:34.480 --> 0:22:37.600 to assume the position. She loved every second of it, 0:22:38.640 --> 0:22:42.760 nub wagging, tongue out, proud as a peacock. She was 0:22:42.840 --> 0:22:47.199 laying right next to the destruction that she had just 0:22:47.960 --> 0:22:50.760 put in the mallar kitchen, and she was looking at 0:22:50.800 --> 0:22:52.480 me like she had just did a walk off home 0:22:52.560 --> 0:22:58.240 run to win the home run derby, which Baseball doesn't 0:22:58.240 --> 0:22:59.880 want you to call home run derby the swing off, 0:23:00.400 --> 0:23:01.560 or win games seven in the world. 0:23:02.000 --> 0:23:04.840 She was not ashamed, and why should she be ashamed. 0:23:04.880 --> 0:23:08.720