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Speaker 1: Conversations on life, style, beauty, and relationships. It's The Velvet's

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Speaker 1: Edge Podcast with Kelly Henderson.

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Speaker 2: We'renowned therapist, holistic life coach, a host of the popular

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Speaker 2: podcast The Michelle Chalfont Did I get said? Okay? Okay,

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Speaker 2: So life from the Adult Chair and now author of

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Speaker 2: the book The Adult Chair, Get Unstuck, Claim Your Power

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Speaker 2: and Transform your life is here.

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Speaker 3: Hi, Michelle, Hey Kelly, thank you so.

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Speaker 2: Much for being here. We're just talking. I had no

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Speaker 2: idea we had such a connected pass. You used to

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Speaker 2: live in Nashville, you used to live in Charleston. All

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Speaker 2: these places I'm frequenting all the time or live. It

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Speaker 2: seems like we probably have crossed paths along the way.

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Speaker 2: But I'm happy to finally get to meet you and

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Speaker 2: so grateful you're here.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, we will intentionally cross paths now in the future.

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Speaker 2: Yes, Okay, I like this well, I was telling you

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Speaker 2: before the podcast. I love this idea of the adult chair, right.

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Speaker 2: I think we've all grown up and you get into

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Speaker 2: your adult life and you realize I don't know what

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Speaker 2: the hell I'm doing, and I'm not an adult actually,

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Speaker 2: but I'm here, and so I want to talk first

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Speaker 2: about what is the adult chair model? How did you

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Speaker 2: even come up with this?

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Speaker 3: It's honestly based on many, many mentors that I've had

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Speaker 3: over the years. It's a culmination of a lot of

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Speaker 3: different people's ideas as well as feedback that I got

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Speaker 3: with my own clients and my own intuition. It's a

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Speaker 3: big melting pot of a whole bunch of stuff, I'd say. So,

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Speaker 3: the adult chair is a model that really teaches us

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Speaker 3: who we are today and then how we got that way.

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Speaker 3: So that's the whole part one of the book, and

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Speaker 3: part two is how do we grow into a healthy

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Speaker 3: adult self? Because the truth of it is, even though

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Speaker 3: we look our age and we're physically an adult on

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Speaker 3: the outside and the inside, we aren't quite acting like

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Speaker 3: healthy adults all the time, right, So like when we're

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Speaker 3: stressed out or you know, maxed out with our day

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Speaker 3: and we come home and we have a bottle of

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Speaker 3: wine or eat a chocolate cake or do something, pick

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Speaker 3: a vice, it doesn't matter what it is. That's us again,

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Speaker 3: not that it's a bad thing. Sure, that's us when

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Speaker 3: we are acting from a different aspect of who we are.

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Speaker 3: It's a younger part of self or or when we

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Speaker 3: act out, we have a temper and an adult temper tantrum. Right,

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Speaker 3: that is us acting from a lower or a younger

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Speaker 3: part of self. And we honestly live this way so

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Speaker 3: much of our day and so much of our lives.

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Speaker 3: We don't even know it. So if I'm walking around

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Speaker 3: like controlling or judging or re independency, that's not really

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Speaker 3: who you are.

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Speaker 2: No, So the adult chair is the place you try

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Speaker 2: to go learn us not to operate from that place.

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Speaker 3: Yeah. So the actual model is broken down into three

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Speaker 3: developmental phases of life. So you've got chair one, which

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Speaker 3: is the child chair. This is where we are all

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Speaker 3: born into. You know, we're born and we wind up

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Speaker 3: in the child that's a zero to six. We learn

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Speaker 3: all about our emotions there. We learn about our needs

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Speaker 3: like I need a hug, I need you to tell

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Speaker 3: me that I'm lovable, I need you name it, I

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Speaker 3: need a diaper change like whatever it might be. When

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Speaker 3: we're zereda six, we learn about our needs. We learn

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Speaker 3: about passion, vulnerability, intimacy. We learn about so many beautiful

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Speaker 3: things while we're in this phase. But here's the thing

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Speaker 3: that blows my mind, Kelly. During the ages of zero

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Speaker 3: to six. This is when we create a road map

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Speaker 3: that we live off of for the rest of our lives.

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Speaker 3: So let's just think about this for a second. Go

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Speaker 3: back to when you were six years old and think

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Speaker 3: about what year that was and imagine yeah, and imagine

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Speaker 3: someone then you know, think about that year and you

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Speaker 3: live in Nashville. So think about printing I know Nashville

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Speaker 3: very well because I live there. But think about printing

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Speaker 3: out a map from when you were six and someone

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Speaker 3: handing you a paper map and says, navigate around town

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Speaker 3: using this map. You couldn't know but yet that That's

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Speaker 3: what we do as adults and during this phase of

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Speaker 3: our lives. This is where we are creating how to respond,

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Speaker 3: what to believe in, what's safe, what's not safe? Am

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Speaker 3: I a crier? Am I not a crier? Can I

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Speaker 3: feel my emotions? Can I not feel emotions? A? Am

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Speaker 3: I allowed to have needs? Or is it safe to

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Speaker 3: have needs? Or not? Am I abandoned? Am I not abandoned?

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Speaker 3: All of this stuff gets put on this roadmap, and

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Speaker 3: then the roadmap around the age of seven drops into

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Speaker 3: the unconscious mind, and then this is where the ego

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Speaker 3: starts to really come online and develop. So the ego

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Speaker 3: develops from around Again, the egos with us from birth,

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Speaker 3: but it really comes online strongly around six to about

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Speaker 3: twenty four and that's what we call the adolescent chare,

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Speaker 3: which is chair number two. So we move there and

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Speaker 3: this is where we learn. Again we're living from that map.

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Speaker 3: So the ego is the part of us that says

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Speaker 3: I'm separate from you. So if I'm not part of

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Speaker 3: this oneness energy, like I remember when I was born,

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Speaker 3: and I'm actually an individual, I got to keep myself

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Speaker 3: ste I got to keep myself alive. So I can't

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Speaker 3: live in the present. I have to live in the

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Speaker 3: past or the future. I'm trying to make guesses about

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Speaker 3: what's coming in front of me in the future based

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Speaker 3: on what I've experienced in the past. Again, ninety seven percent.

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Speaker 3: I think it's that the stat I read was ninety

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Speaker 3: seven percent of the time. When we make assumptions like

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Speaker 3: Kelly's going to be mad at me because I didn't

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Speaker 3: call her back yesterday, I know she's probably pissed, da

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Speaker 3: da da, All these things we make assumptions about ninety

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Speaker 3: seven percent of the time we're inaccurate.

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Speaker 2: I believe that now but if you had told me

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Speaker 2: that ten years ago, no chance, right, that's interesting.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, we think that we're going to predict the future,

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Speaker 3: but in essay, no, it's the ego trying to keep

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Speaker 3: us safe and alive. So this is where we develop

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Speaker 3: into all these like egoic parts or parts of self.

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Speaker 3: And this is also where we're also creating these masks

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Speaker 3: that we live behind to keep ourselves safe. So again,

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Speaker 3: if I learn when I'm young not to cry because

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Speaker 3: maybe I got bullied by my siblings or my mother

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Speaker 3: said don't be a crybaby or whatever that might be,

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Speaker 3: I actually cover up my authentic self and I become

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Speaker 3: someone else that is more lovable and acceptable by you.

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Speaker 3: So these are the masks that every human wears. And

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Speaker 3: this is again when we're building this false self. So

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Speaker 3: some of us live from a very very big false

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Speaker 3: self and others somewhat of a false self. So that's

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Speaker 3: what's happening during all these years up from seven to

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Speaker 3: twenty four, and then around the age of twenty five

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Speaker 3: we slide into the adult chair. And this is the

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Speaker 3: part of us that represents living in the present moment,

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Speaker 3: living with fact and truth versus story and assumption. This

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Speaker 3: is where we set boundaries where I'm able to really

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Speaker 3: connect into my child part and feel my emotions, witness

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Speaker 3: my thoughts that are in the adolescent share instead of

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Speaker 3: acting on every single one of them. And the prefrontal

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Speaker 3: cortex is online. So we have this self governing nature,

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Speaker 3: this higher self part of us that's coming down and

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Speaker 3: helping us to make this decisions if we're willing to listen.

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Speaker 3: So that's the whole model. So when I explain this

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Speaker 3: to people, they go, this makes so much sense. You know,

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Speaker 3: when I was a child, my mother leaned heavily on me,

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Speaker 3: and I felt like I had to take care of her.

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Speaker 3: So that must be why now I'm codependent, And this

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Speaker 3: is why I'm a people pleaser, or this is why

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Speaker 3: I feel needless and wantless because I wasn't allowed to

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Speaker 3: have those when I was a little kid. So life

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Speaker 3: starts making sense to people when they really understand it.

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Speaker 3: Part two of the book again has five pillars, and

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Speaker 3: that's where I go through exactly how to grow into

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Speaker 3: this healthy adult self.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, because the chairs, when you just describe them just now,

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Speaker 2: I thought to myself, well that sounds lovely that it

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Speaker 2: would just you know, we would flow through these chairs

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Speaker 2: in the life, and then we would just end up

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Speaker 2: in the adult chair and it would be easy to

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Speaker 2: like find our adult self and learn how to navigate

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Speaker 2: the world. But what happens And maybe this is jumping

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Speaker 2: ahead a little bit because we will get into the pillars,

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Speaker 2: but you described maybe like when you're zero to six,

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Speaker 2: if you were abandoned, if you didn't get the nurturing

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Speaker 2: that you need, how is that impacting the rest of

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Speaker 2: our situations in chairs as we develop.

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Speaker 3: I just did a podcast earlier with someone and if

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Speaker 3: I'm just going to share her example, it was so beautiful.

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Speaker 3: So she's in a relationship with this guy and she

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Speaker 3: was asking me, you know, why do I feel like

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Speaker 3: I can't set strong boundaries and all the things with him?

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Speaker 3: And I actually did an experience with her on the show.

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Speaker 3: I said, well, how does it make you feel to

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Speaker 3: speak up for yourself and share how you feel? She says, oh,

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Speaker 3: that's really unsafe. I'm not doing that, you know, And

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Speaker 3: I said, well, how do you know it's unsafe? Where

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Speaker 3: do you feel that in your body? And a lot

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Speaker 3: of what I do is really help people feel their

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Speaker 3: emotions get more embodied. All this kind of thing. And

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Speaker 3: she says, well, it's in my heart. My heart feels tight.

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Speaker 3: And I said, go there, let's go there right now.

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Speaker 3: And she went there and she said, I'm going to

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Speaker 3: summarize this whole thing. But she said, oh yeah. She says,

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Speaker 3: I don't feel safe really sharing my vulnerabilities with him,

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Speaker 3: and she said, I'm afraid I'm going to get left.

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Speaker 3: And I said, what was your earliest memory of that?

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Speaker 3: And she said, I was four years old and my

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Speaker 3: mother divorced my father. But I felt like my father

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Speaker 3: left even though my mother divorced him, and she was

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Speaker 3: teary eyed. I said, there's the route that'syah on the

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Speaker 3: road map. So you're living now. I think she was

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Speaker 3: in her fifties and she said her forties. Excuse me,

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Speaker 3: she said yeah. I said, so, do you see how

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Speaker 3: this is all connected? You as a forty something, your

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Speaker 3: old woman, you're dating this guy, and you are navigating

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Speaker 3: from a place a fear of being left. That means

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Speaker 3: every decision you make, every time you want to control

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Speaker 3: him or manipulate him. And that's not a bad thing.

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Speaker 3: This little kid inside of you that's four is so

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Speaker 3: worried that she's going to be left, that's what's happening.

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Speaker 3: So then we go into our control mode. Maybe you

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Speaker 3: have anxiety when he's out of touch for too long,

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Speaker 3: and you need a text, you need a phone call.

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Speaker 3: So all of these things are happening in our world

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Speaker 3: as adults. But again, it's the roadmap from way back

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Speaker 3: when it's actually creating this. I don't want to go

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Speaker 3: so far as to call it dysfunction, and sometimes it is,

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Speaker 3: but it doesn't even have to be that strong of

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Speaker 3: a word. But the way we navigate relationships, the way

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Speaker 3: we navigate our careers, the way we navigate as a parent,

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Speaker 3: it goes back to what happened zero to six. So

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Speaker 3: it all is like together, if that makes sense.

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Speaker 2: So you could be in your fifties operating like your

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Speaker 2: four year old.

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Speaker 3: Self totally which and we dialed. Yes, it's all.

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Speaker 2: Just crazy to think about, but we all do it

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Speaker 2: a lot.

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Speaker 3: We all do it every single day.

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Speaker 2: That's crazy. I love that you mentioned the body experiencing

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Speaker 2: because it's almost like what I hear a lot of

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Speaker 2: in your work is combining your background and therapy with

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Speaker 2: the somatic stuff, and so I find those to be

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Speaker 2: so helpful, just working together because it is so much

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Speaker 2: in our body, and a lot of times I think

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Speaker 2: talk therapy misses that connection and it's just analyzing and

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Speaker 2: keeping you in your logical mindset. You actually say the

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Speaker 2: word therapist is an outdated term. I want to talk

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Speaker 2: a little bit about that because I found that's so

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Speaker 2: interesting coming from a therapist.

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Speaker 3: Okay, don't hate me, no hate, tell me what it's about. Okay, No, okay,

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Speaker 3: here here's what I mean by that. No. No, people

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Speaker 3: are like, oh my gosh, I can't believe you said that.

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Speaker 3: What I've said is therapy needs to be updated. And

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Speaker 3: I have a lot of therapist friends and they all agree.

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Speaker 3: This is why I created a coaching certification program, because it's,

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Speaker 3: like I said to you earlier, it's a hybrid. It's

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Speaker 3: sort of like in between a coach and a therapist.

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Speaker 3: But there are some good things in therapy. But therapy,

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Speaker 3: in my opinion, is a little outdated. But I'm glad

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Speaker 3: to see that it's catching up with who we are today.

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Speaker 3: I remember a few years ago I was reading about, like,

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Speaker 3: you know, tapping the ft. Yeah, yeah, god, we were

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Speaker 3: able to do that in therapy. Like therapy has a

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Speaker 3: lot of chains, like tight boundaries, around what we're allowed

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Speaker 3: to do, what we're not allowed to do. I remember,

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Speaker 3: like when I had a client and they were sobbing,

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Speaker 3: And this is a client I've known for five years,

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Speaker 3: let's say, hysterically crying because her brother had just died.

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Speaker 3: As a licensed therapist, I'm not allowed to hug her.

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Speaker 3: That is what I mean by we need to update

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Speaker 3: therapy and change for the way that we are today.

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Speaker 3: Like the times that we're in today, those sorts of

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Speaker 3: things don't work. We need to incorporate, in my opinion,

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Speaker 3: more with the body, more energy medicine. I want to

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Speaker 3: understand what's really going on energetically when we understand that

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Speaker 3: our emotions are just an energy that are running through

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Speaker 3: the body. And when I explain that to people, they go,

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Speaker 3: oh my god, that makes so much sense. I'm like, yes,

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Speaker 3: it does, doesn't It Like it's an energy our bodies.

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Speaker 3: We're energy beings first, energy beings in human suits. So

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Speaker 3: I am like a beautiful river, as are you, as

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Speaker 3: every single person on the planet is. I mean, we

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Speaker 3: have an emotion that doesn't feel good, It's like a

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Speaker 3: log moving through the river. And if we don't know

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Speaker 3: how to feel that emotion, that energy, the log gets jammed,

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Speaker 3: So what do we do. We need to go into

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Speaker 3: the body, we need to look at that, we need

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Speaker 3: to do maybe some feeling work, we need to feel

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Speaker 3: all of those kinds of things. So I just feel

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Speaker 3: like therapy has needed an update, and I do feel

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Speaker 3: like it's happening, thank God. Again. Most of my therapist friends,

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Speaker 3: I'm saying most just because honestly, I don't know of

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Speaker 3: one of them that wouldn't agree with me. Yeah, I'm

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Speaker 3: a little bit outdated.

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Speaker 2: My listeners are like, oh my god, Kelly, this is

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Speaker 2: Kelly's favorite guest ever. The stuff that you're saying is

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Speaker 2: so spot on to the things that I feel and

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Speaker 2: even why I want to do this podcast because I

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Speaker 2: feel like there's such a bigger picture to this healing

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Speaker 2: journey than just going and sitting in therapy. And I've

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Speaker 2: done that and it was saved my life. Like I'm

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Speaker 2: not at all trying to downplay the gift of talk therapy.

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Speaker 2: I just then think it's like a starting point and

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Speaker 2: then there's so much more that you can start to

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Speaker 2: incorporate that you can do with your body work, the

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Speaker 2: energy work. Just like you're saying, that's all we talk

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Speaker 2: about on this podcast, and it's all so connected to me.

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Speaker 2: I don't really understand why we have them in different categories.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I agree with you, And the problem is too

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Speaker 3: is like any practitioner, like any practitioner, like any any

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Speaker 3: pick a teacher, pick an attorney, pick anything, anyone out

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Speaker 3: there that has a job. There are good, there are

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Speaker 3: a mediocre, and there are some that aren't so good.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: I unfortunately had the experience of seeing various therapists. They

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Speaker 3: just weren't very good. There weren't great. And I've had

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Speaker 3: therapists no joke, no joke. One woman was so triggered

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Speaker 3: by what I was saying. Like I was talking about

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Speaker 3: this is when I first moved to Nashville. My father

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Speaker 3: was an identical twin and I had issues around I

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Speaker 3: really wanted to work through it, and there was a

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Speaker 3: lot of stuff that happened in my childhood because of that,

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Speaker 3: my dad chose my uncle over us. I mean, there's

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Speaker 3: all this stuff. And I went to the therapist and

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Speaker 3: she was an identical twin and she started crying in

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Speaker 3: my session. I had to literally finish the session and

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Speaker 3: then she charged me. I'm like, are you freaking kidding?

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Speaker 3: Me like, come on, man, like this is not okay.

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Speaker 3: That's why I have the Adult Cheer Coaching Certification program

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Speaker 3: where I certify coaches the way that I coach, the

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Speaker 3: way that I do work with people. And one of

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Speaker 3: the main things this I say this to anybody that

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Speaker 3: sees anybody. One of the main things that I pushed

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Speaker 3: hard on all my coaches is you must do your

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Speaker 3: personal work. And we do a ton of it in

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Speaker 3: the program because you can only take people as far

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Speaker 3: as you've gone. Yes, and there are a lot of

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Speaker 3: therapists out there, and if we're in the helping profession,

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Speaker 3: I know therapists and coaches. Let's face it, we want

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Speaker 3: to do that work because we ourselves are wounded and

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Speaker 3: we want you know, and that's why we're drawn to it.

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Speaker 3: But we've got to do our own work. So if

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Speaker 3: you're interviewing someone as a coach or a therapist, you

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Speaker 3: have every right to ask them, like, do you do

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Speaker 3: your work? I love when people ask me that question.

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Speaker 3: I'm like, I live for doing my work. I want

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Speaker 3: to be able to take my clients as far as

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Speaker 3: I can possibly go. I will always do my work.

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Speaker 3: It will always be there, not as intensely as it

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Speaker 3: was when I was growing up. But anyway, that's a

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Speaker 3: side note, So I hope I clear that up for everybody.

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Speaker 3: But yeah, we need an update Kelly for sure.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm so glad you're talking about that because I

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Speaker 2: completely agree. I mean, while we're on this topic, what

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Speaker 2: do you think the biggest thing that people now that

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Speaker 2: we've talked about the therapist side of it, what do

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Speaker 2: you think the biggest thing that people maybe get wrong

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Speaker 2: about the healing journey or a growth mindset? Like what

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Speaker 2: are people missing that you see in your work? What

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Speaker 2: are people missing that you see in your work?

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Speaker 3: They don't know how to do it, they don't know

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Speaker 3: where to turn. Is that the kind of is that

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Speaker 3: the answer you're looking for?

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Speaker 2: Because yeah, I just I think I mean again, like

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Speaker 2: this is why I want to do this podcast because

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Speaker 2: I've been on a long term growth mindset lifestyle and

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Speaker 2: it's changed everything for me. But it's such a part

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Speaker 2: of my life now that I don't even really realize

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Speaker 2: that I'm doing it. And when I talk about certain things,

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Speaker 2: I literally will watch people kind of cower almost like

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Speaker 2: it's almost like it's intimidating to hear about and oh,

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Speaker 2: let's not talk about that because then you know whatever.

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Speaker 2: And it's like, to me, the most freeing experience. I guess, yeah,

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Speaker 2: So I always think that, like I think to myself, oh, man,

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Speaker 2: I wish they could just see how it would feel

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Speaker 2: on the other side, because it's freeing, it's not constricting,

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Speaker 2: it's not jail. It's not so scary once you start

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Speaker 2: doing it, like those kind of things, you know.

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Speaker 3: Oh my gosh, yes, you're speaking my love language, kel

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Speaker 3: I swear I love this. So I'm like, yes, I

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Speaker 3: will share anything under the sun with you right now,

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Speaker 3: because that is freedom. Think about it, like, that's freedom.

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Speaker 3: And I do find you know, people are afraid to

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Speaker 3: look at their stuff. Not everybody. A lot of people

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Speaker 3: are like, very willing, but there are some people, of course,

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Speaker 3: that are not, and it holds them back. I remember

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Speaker 3: working with a guy and he was acting like his father.

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Speaker 3: He was angry. He'd come in and he go, you know,

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Speaker 3: I just get He and his wife would come in,

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Speaker 3: and then he came in alone and his wife would say,

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Speaker 3: he's just he's like his father, and he would get

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Speaker 3: so pissed. I'm not like my dad, Da da da da,

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Speaker 3: And I sat down with him, and I said, one

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Speaker 3: on one, I said, when you admit that you're like

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Speaker 3: your father and doesn't mean his dad was this huge

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Speaker 3: rager and would blow up the house, alcohol the whole thing.

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Speaker 3: He was not to that extreme, but he did fly

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Speaker 3: off the handle like he did have some of that stuff.

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Speaker 3: How could he not? It's on his roadmap.

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Speaker 2: It's all we know until we land something different. Right. Yes,

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Speaker 2: it's like it's like, how could you know how to

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Speaker 2: do it different?

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Speaker 1: No?

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Speaker 3: But I sat there, like I did with all my clients.

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Speaker 3: I would always say to my clients like, you're in

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Speaker 3: a sacred space. We're in the sacred vault in here.

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Speaker 3: You'd say anything to me. I don't care like I've

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Speaker 3: got you. I've got you. I can hold space like

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Speaker 3: badasshold space. And I like, go there, be vulnerable. I said,

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Speaker 3: even if you're a little bit like your dad, you've

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Speaker 3: got to freaking say it. And he looks at me

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Speaker 3: and he goes, I'm a little bit like my dad,

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Speaker 3: And he started bawling, and then then he goes, I

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Speaker 3: just feel like I lost fifty five pounds. And I

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Speaker 3: was like, that's what I'm talking about now, that's not

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Speaker 3: going to trigger you, which I love triggered, Like that's

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Speaker 3: some big thing I talk about. But yeah, like we've

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Speaker 3: got to be willing to look at our stuff and realize.

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Speaker 3: And people would come in and say to me, Michelle,

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Speaker 3: I can't say this to anybody. I just got to

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Speaker 3: say to you of like, okay, let me hear it.

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Speaker 3: And they'd say it to me, and I'm thinking, do

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Speaker 3: you know how many other clients? And when I lived

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Speaker 3: in Nashville, I was telling you I had singer songwriters,

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Speaker 3: I had movie stars. I had people that had billions

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Speaker 3: of dollars and people that were housewives, like I had

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Speaker 3: every there to everybody's the same say, I don't care.

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Speaker 3: I don't care how much money you have. I don't

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Speaker 3: care if your husband's on television or a plastic surgeon.

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Speaker 3: I don't care. Yeah, everybody's got the same stuff. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: that was such a beautiful experience in Nashville for me

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Speaker 3: because I had a lot of these people as clients

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Speaker 3: and we all have the same stuff.

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Speaker 2: If you're human, you've like my mom always says, where

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Speaker 2: there's people as problems, Like people are just messy, and

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Speaker 2: also like we all are connected and we all have

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Speaker 2: similar struggles. Or journeys, even though you know each one

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Speaker 2: is unique and different in their own way. I do

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Speaker 2: like to always say to people when they think their

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Speaker 2: problem is the worst problem ever, I'm like, try me.

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Speaker 2: I bet totally, I bet I've heard it before. You

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Speaker 2: know all of those things you know.

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Speaker 3: I love that I do live events. And one of

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Speaker 3: the first things I do, and most of my live

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Speaker 3: events actually is I will put people in small groups

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Speaker 3: of like whatever, five to ten people, and I say, okay,

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Speaker 3: go and I have I give them all prompts, and

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Speaker 3: one of the things I say I asked them to

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Speaker 3: do is so share with your small group. And this

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Speaker 3: is on day one, like in the first hour, like

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Speaker 3: just go and do this. Share with the group, like

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Speaker 3: who you are, where you're from, all the easy stuff.

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Speaker 3: And then I say, share with the group if you want.

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Speaker 3: You don't have to, but something that you're scared to

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00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:18,240
Speaker 3: death to tell the rest of the world. And they do.

431
00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:21,119
Speaker 3: And I have had so many people come up to

432
00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:22,840
Speaker 3: me over all the years of doing live events. They

433
00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:24,320
Speaker 3: come up to me at the end of the three

434
00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:27,280
Speaker 3: day event that I do and they'll say that thing

435
00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:29,280
Speaker 3: you had us do in the first hour of day

436
00:21:29,359 --> 00:21:33,840
Speaker 3: one was the most transformative experience I've had in years.

437
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:36,920
Speaker 3: Thank you, like, thank you for helping me to say

438
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:41,000
Speaker 3: that out loud and get this outside it. That's the

439
00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:45,920
Speaker 3: thing is we resist being vulnerable. And I'm not saying

440
00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:47,600
Speaker 3: you have to put your stuff on social media by

441
00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:49,879
Speaker 3: any means. That's not what we've That's actually one of

442
00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:51,520
Speaker 3: the first pillars in the book is to own. I

443
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:54,400
Speaker 3: own my reality. I take responsibility for who I am,

444
00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:57,480
Speaker 3: and it doesn't mean you blame yourself or judge yourself.

445
00:21:57,560 --> 00:22:01,680
Speaker 3: Is just like owning who you are, Okay.

446
00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:02,760
Speaker 2: Yeah.

447
00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:05,719
Speaker 3: And the thing that people say is that I couldn't

448
00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:08,639
Speaker 3: believe out of a group of let's say eight people,

449
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:11,439
Speaker 3: more than half said they have the same thing that

450
00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:14,359
Speaker 3: I had. I'm like, I told you, you're not alone

451
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:16,080
Speaker 3: in our crap, Like we've all got it.

452
00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:19,640
Speaker 2: I think the human nature thing is to think if

453
00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:22,040
Speaker 2: I say this out loud, who will still love me?

454
00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:25,040
Speaker 2: And the truth is often when we say it out loud,

455
00:22:25,119 --> 00:22:28,159
Speaker 2: you become more lovable, not only to yourself, but to

456
00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:32,880
Speaker 2: others as well, which is such an interesting is it dichotomy?

457
00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:35,080
Speaker 2: You know, like it's just like why we resist it is

458
00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:37,480
Speaker 2: so wild, But I think it's part of that second

459
00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:40,760
Speaker 2: chair that you mentioned, where our persona and that performer

460
00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:45,280
Speaker 2: self is just so resistant to opening up that Yo,

461
00:22:45,359 --> 00:22:47,159
Speaker 2: I don't have it all figured out. I'm not in

462
00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:48,879
Speaker 2: my adult chair right now.

463
00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:51,320
Speaker 3: You got it, honey, that's it. You got to have

464
00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:54,680
Speaker 3: your adult because your adolescent won't ever tell anybody. Yeah,

465
00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:57,000
Speaker 3: we've got to be willing to move into that adult

466
00:22:57,040 --> 00:23:01,240
Speaker 3: and be brave say it, just freaking say it. And again,

467
00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:04,720
Speaker 3: oftentimes it's the first person to say, who is just yourself?

468
00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:07,600
Speaker 3: You know I'm drinking too much? Yeah, I think I'm

469
00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:10,120
Speaker 3: getting high every day, and I think that's a good idea. Anymore,

470
00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:12,240
Speaker 3: I think this, I think I want to think. I

471
00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:14,840
Speaker 3: don't like this relationship and I want to leave. I

472
00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:17,280
Speaker 3: think that I want to move. I don't like this job.

473
00:23:17,359 --> 00:23:19,480
Speaker 3: I've got to do something. I can't do this anymore.

474
00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:23,119
Speaker 3: Like when we admit it, it actually gets the energy moving.

475
00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:25,800
Speaker 3: Otherwise we're kind of stuck. People ask how do I

476
00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:27,879
Speaker 3: get unstuck? I go you to own what's going on

477
00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:30,000
Speaker 3: in your life? What's the pink elephant in the room

478
00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:32,280
Speaker 3: you don't want to look at? Well, my kid may

479
00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:34,120
Speaker 3: have ADHD, but I don't want to admit it, because

480
00:23:34,119 --> 00:23:35,920
Speaker 3: that's going to be a whole battle, and wrote I

481
00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:39,560
Speaker 3: got a walk down. Then you're stuck until you actually

482
00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:43,159
Speaker 3: investigate that, and then never, all of a sudden, the

483
00:23:43,280 --> 00:23:46,199
Speaker 3: energy gets moving, you start having ideas along the way,

484
00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:48,199
Speaker 3: and maybe it's not so bad. It's the eagle that

485
00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:51,399
Speaker 3: resists it and says again it's making up a story

486
00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:53,320
Speaker 3: or assumption. Well, my god, if you do this, it's

487
00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:54,399
Speaker 3: going to be the worst thing in the world and

488
00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:57,640
Speaker 3: people are gonna make funny and nope, it never really happens.

489
00:23:57,920 --> 00:24:00,280
Speaker 2: Right, by the way, they still have ADHD, whether you

490
00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:03,560
Speaker 2: address it or not exactly exactly are you going to

491
00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:05,280
Speaker 2: make your life easier and learn how to work with

492
00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:08,520
Speaker 2: it or not exactly. Well, so we're kind of talking

493
00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:11,560
Speaker 2: about the first pillar, which you mentioned is owning your reality,

494
00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:14,280
Speaker 2: and can you talk through the kind of basic broad

495
00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:18,199
Speaker 2: strokes of the other four pillars and give the listeners

496
00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:20,200
Speaker 2: some kind of insight into what those are.

497
00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:23,240
Speaker 3: Yeah, for sure. So the first one again is I

498
00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:26,600
Speaker 3: own my reality or I take responsibility from my life. Again,

499
00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:29,480
Speaker 3: that's not to invite in blame or shame. It's just saying, hey,

500
00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:31,359
Speaker 3: I think I want a divorce. I think I want

501
00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:34,280
Speaker 3: a separation, I want whatever it might be. Number two

502
00:24:34,520 --> 00:24:37,320
Speaker 3: is and I remember writing the book, I thought, Okay,

503
00:24:37,480 --> 00:24:41,159
Speaker 3: something that everyone needs more of is self worth and

504
00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:45,359
Speaker 3: self love. Yes, without a doubt, every I don't care

505
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:47,240
Speaker 3: who you are on the planet, we all could use

506
00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:49,800
Speaker 3: more of this. So how do you take care of

507
00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:52,680
Speaker 3: both of those? And what I found is and again

508
00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:55,120
Speaker 3: I want to back up and say, the five pillars

509
00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:58,120
Speaker 3: are based on twenty plus years of working with clients

510
00:24:58,160 --> 00:25:01,080
Speaker 3: and people in groups. These are the five things that

511
00:25:01,119 --> 00:25:03,600
Speaker 3: I found I taught the most over twenty some years.

512
00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:06,639
Speaker 3: So these are it. So the second one, again is

513
00:25:06,920 --> 00:25:12,119
Speaker 3: I practice self compassion because when we practice self compassion,

514
00:25:12,240 --> 00:25:15,120
Speaker 3: we're able to build our self forth and self love.

515
00:25:16,119 --> 00:25:20,760
Speaker 3: Self compassion is that loving voice that we may have

516
00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:23,159
Speaker 3: to cultivate most of us do because most of us

517
00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:25,080
Speaker 3: just have the voice of the ego unless we have

518
00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:29,680
Speaker 3: our adult self that's more conscious, that has the ability

519
00:25:29,720 --> 00:25:32,520
Speaker 3: to reach for that. I call it your best cheerleader self,

520
00:25:32,520 --> 00:25:35,639
Speaker 3: Like who's your best cheerleader? So you want to create

521
00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:39,040
Speaker 3: a voice that is whoever you want. It could be

522
00:25:38,720 --> 00:25:42,600
Speaker 3: your loving mother, your loving great grandmother, Jennifer Aniston or

523
00:25:42,600 --> 00:25:43,720
Speaker 3: Bradley Cooper, I don't care.

524
00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:47,880
Speaker 2: You know, that sounds kind of nice. Actually, I talk.

525
00:25:47,720 --> 00:25:49,600
Speaker 3: About in the book which someone called me the other

526
00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:52,640
Speaker 3: day when we were referencing something. They called me Kalisi.

527
00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:59,920
Speaker 3: I'm like, oh, I like Kalisi. Yeah anyway, so yeah,

528
00:26:00,359 --> 00:26:03,120
Speaker 3: pick a voice, and when you're beating up on yourself,

529
00:26:03,119 --> 00:26:05,720
Speaker 3: you have to turn toward and allow that voice to

530
00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:10,080
Speaker 3: speak to you. That's the self compassionate voice. Self compassion

531
00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:14,440
Speaker 3: Oh my God, turns us around and in such profound ways.

532
00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:17,800
Speaker 3: And it's not linear. People think, well, if I practice

533
00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:20,040
Speaker 3: this for three weeks, well then I act differently. I'm like,

534
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:23,000
Speaker 3: you may act differently in two days, and it won't

535
00:26:23,040 --> 00:26:24,800
Speaker 3: look like what you think it's going to look like.

536
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:28,120
Speaker 3: You might make, let's say, a choice to start going

537
00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:31,880
Speaker 3: to the gym three days in because you just feel

538
00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:33,399
Speaker 3: like you want to nurture yourself in this way. And

539
00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:35,520
Speaker 3: it's like, I wasn't even thinking about starting a gym membership.

540
00:26:35,560 --> 00:26:37,359
Speaker 3: It's like, yeah, but you want to. You're loving yourself

541
00:26:37,400 --> 00:26:39,679
Speaker 3: in a little different way. So it's not linear. It's

542
00:26:39,720 --> 00:26:42,440
Speaker 3: a spiritual sort of timeline. It's not more like this

543
00:26:42,560 --> 00:26:43,000
Speaker 3: than like this.

544
00:26:43,119 --> 00:26:43,879
Speaker 2: Yeah.

545
00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:46,800
Speaker 3: The next one is I feel my emotions. That's number three.

546
00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:51,160
Speaker 3: Good God, Kelly. What I would ask people how does

547
00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:53,880
Speaker 3: that make you feel? They go, what what do you mean?

548
00:26:53,960 --> 00:26:55,720
Speaker 3: I'm like, how does it make you feel? Like? You

549
00:26:55,760 --> 00:26:58,520
Speaker 3: don't even need to know the name of the emotion.

550
00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:00,919
Speaker 3: That's what people would get stuck on. I'm like, just

551
00:27:00,920 --> 00:27:03,720
Speaker 3: feel it in your body? What are you feeling? Well?

552
00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:05,399
Speaker 3: I feel it in my head. I'm like, drop below

553
00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:10,080
Speaker 3: your chin, not chin up, but chin down. Get curious

554
00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:12,960
Speaker 3: what's going on in there? I don't feel anything because

555
00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:15,760
Speaker 3: so many of us are very disconnected from the body.

556
00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:19,560
Speaker 3: Oh my god. As you know, if you do personal work,

557
00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:21,640
Speaker 3: you know the power of feeling your emotions.

558
00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:23,080
Speaker 2: Oh my god, it's everything.

559
00:27:23,920 --> 00:27:27,760
Speaker 3: It's our superpower, right yeah. Yeah. When we feel our emotions,

560
00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:30,119
Speaker 3: we move the logs through the river. As I was

561
00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:35,720
Speaker 3: saying before, we are more intuitive. We have downloads sometimes

562
00:27:35,760 --> 00:27:38,000
Speaker 3: from our higher self, spiritual being, whatever you want to

563
00:27:38,040 --> 00:27:41,400
Speaker 3: call it. But holy moly, we are able to use

564
00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:44,720
Speaker 3: our heart and this is not airy fairy. Our heart

565
00:27:44,840 --> 00:27:50,239
Speaker 3: becomes our internal navigation system. So like, for example, when

566
00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:53,320
Speaker 3: people want me on a podcast, I don't look anybody

567
00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:55,320
Speaker 3: up if I don't know where they are. I feel

568
00:27:55,320 --> 00:27:58,600
Speaker 3: in my heart. I ask myself, how does this person

569
00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:00,880
Speaker 3: make me feel? And if my heart it's a yes,

570
00:28:01,440 --> 00:28:03,199
Speaker 3: I don't care if they have a million downloads a

571
00:28:03,200 --> 00:28:06,439
Speaker 3: month or two doesn't matter. I know that my heart's

572
00:28:06,480 --> 00:28:10,280
Speaker 3: going to lead me down the right path. When we

573
00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:13,760
Speaker 3: live with feeling our emotions, we start working the muscle

574
00:28:13,800 --> 00:28:17,040
Speaker 3: of the heart. It's such a beautiful process and people change,

575
00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:20,399
Speaker 3: and when we feel our emotions, it helps us with

576
00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:25,920
Speaker 3: our anxiety, with our depression, with our codependency, with our control.

577
00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:29,440
Speaker 3: I mean, you name it, and we, unfortunately are born

578
00:28:29,520 --> 00:28:32,800
Speaker 3: with the ability to feel our emotions. Everybody feels their emotions.

579
00:28:32,960 --> 00:28:35,440
Speaker 3: I don't care what gender you are. Every little boy

580
00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:38,680
Speaker 3: and every little girl cries. Everybody does when they fall

581
00:28:38,720 --> 00:28:40,720
Speaker 3: down their hurt, they run to mommy because they have

582
00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:44,560
Speaker 3: a bloody mee. Everybody does. We learn not to feel

583
00:28:45,320 --> 00:28:50,320
Speaker 3: based on what sort of reflection or validation or lack

584
00:28:50,360 --> 00:28:52,440
Speaker 3: of validation did we get when we were growing up.

585
00:28:52,720 --> 00:28:54,400
Speaker 3: So if you got made fun of when you cried,

586
00:28:54,480 --> 00:28:56,760
Speaker 3: you're going to shut that down. If your mom or

587
00:28:56,840 --> 00:29:00,760
Speaker 3: dad couldn't meet you when you were feeling sad, or

588
00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:02,880
Speaker 3: you were in grief because your goldfish dy or your

589
00:29:02,880 --> 00:29:04,760
Speaker 3: dog died or your grandmother died and they didn't know

590
00:29:04,760 --> 00:29:06,479
Speaker 3: what to do with it. Then you don't know what

591
00:29:06,520 --> 00:29:09,360
Speaker 3: to do with it again, I'm building my roadmap. Sure

592
00:29:09,520 --> 00:29:14,160
Speaker 3: roadmap says we should not feel these emotions because nobody

593
00:29:14,160 --> 00:29:15,880
Speaker 3: knows what you're doing. They're kind of weird. I'm just

594
00:29:15,880 --> 00:29:18,880
Speaker 3: gonna shut those down. So, yeah, when we learn how

595
00:29:18,920 --> 00:29:22,880
Speaker 3: to feel our emotions, gosh, everything in life changes, but

596
00:29:23,040 --> 00:29:26,120
Speaker 3: most importantly, we are able to live in this beautiful

597
00:29:26,240 --> 00:29:29,640
Speaker 3: flow state that's intuitive and we're guided, and it's like

598
00:29:29,920 --> 00:29:32,240
Speaker 3: it's a whole new reality. Yeah, beautiful.

599
00:29:32,440 --> 00:29:35,600
Speaker 2: Well you mentioned earlier even that guy saying it felt

600
00:29:35,640 --> 00:29:39,120
Speaker 2: like taking a weight off, and that's often what I feel.

601
00:29:39,160 --> 00:29:41,240
Speaker 2: I mean, I talk about on the podcast a lot.

602
00:29:41,480 --> 00:29:43,680
Speaker 2: I think it's interesting that we put such a bad

603
00:29:43,760 --> 00:29:46,960
Speaker 2: connotation to crying, because crying, to me is one of

604
00:29:46,960 --> 00:29:49,560
Speaker 2: the best releases I have. So I call them emotional

605
00:29:49,560 --> 00:29:52,080
Speaker 2: showers now, like it just feels like cleansing, you know,

606
00:29:52,240 --> 00:29:56,479
Speaker 2: Like I'm just that releasing. But I also really relate

607
00:29:56,520 --> 00:29:58,560
Speaker 2: to feeling like you just like you know, that weighted

608
00:29:58,640 --> 00:30:00,440
Speaker 2: vest you put on at the dentist to go through

609
00:30:00,480 --> 00:30:02,760
Speaker 2: the X rays, Like that's what it feels like to me,

610
00:30:02,880 --> 00:30:05,400
Speaker 2: when you just take it off and you can breathe

611
00:30:05,600 --> 00:30:09,120
Speaker 2: because you actually allowed yourself to acknowledge and feel what

612
00:30:09,320 --> 00:30:11,840
Speaker 2: was going on inside and spoiler alert, Like we were

613
00:30:11,880 --> 00:30:16,440
Speaker 2: saying earlier, it's gonna happen anyway, totally either acknowledge it

614
00:30:16,560 --> 00:30:20,240
Speaker 2: and feel it or let it guide you kind of

615
00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:23,239
Speaker 2: unknowingly to make all these decisions in your life. So

616
00:30:23,240 --> 00:30:25,360
Speaker 2: it's just like, what are you gonna choose?

617
00:30:26,320 --> 00:30:28,760
Speaker 3: You're absolutely right, and I like, what did you say

618
00:30:28,760 --> 00:30:29,880
Speaker 3: it's an emotional shower.

619
00:30:29,920 --> 00:30:31,000
Speaker 2: What's an emotional shower?

620
00:30:32,120 --> 00:30:34,200
Speaker 3: I'm gonna have to borrow that. That's so take it.

621
00:30:36,560 --> 00:30:39,960
Speaker 3: I think about crying and really deeply feeling our emotions.

622
00:30:40,120 --> 00:30:42,360
Speaker 3: It's sort of the same feeling like when you especially

623
00:30:42,360 --> 00:30:44,400
Speaker 3: when it's something big and you can feel it rising up.

624
00:30:45,360 --> 00:30:47,600
Speaker 3: It kind of reminds me in a lot of ways,

625
00:30:47,920 --> 00:30:50,920
Speaker 3: like right before we're gonna throw up. Oh for sure,

626
00:30:51,240 --> 00:30:54,000
Speaker 3: I don't want to do this. I don't want to

627
00:30:54,040 --> 00:30:57,400
Speaker 3: do it. You throw up, you feels so much better. Yeah,

628
00:30:57,680 --> 00:31:00,560
Speaker 3: when you had that really big emotional release, it's kind

629
00:31:00,600 --> 00:31:01,920
Speaker 3: of like post throwing.

630
00:31:01,720 --> 00:31:15,720
Speaker 2: Up one percent. Okay, pillar number four, number four, So

631
00:31:15,840 --> 00:31:16,680
Speaker 2: we're so good.

632
00:31:16,920 --> 00:31:18,320
Speaker 3: This is a good one that's one of my favorite.

633
00:31:18,320 --> 00:31:19,600
Speaker 3: I mean, they're all my favorites. This is a really

634
00:31:19,600 --> 00:31:21,959
Speaker 3: good one though, because we're so bad at it as humans.

635
00:31:22,200 --> 00:31:23,440
Speaker 3: I own my triggers.

636
00:31:23,920 --> 00:31:27,480
Speaker 2: Love this one too, Yeah, I love this one.

637
00:31:27,680 --> 00:31:30,600
Speaker 3: So triggers. I've said this for years and years and years.

638
00:31:31,200 --> 00:31:35,840
Speaker 3: Triggers are a gift. And here's why. When we are triggered,

639
00:31:36,160 --> 00:31:38,520
Speaker 3: it's an emotional response or excuse me, even if it's

640
00:31:38,520 --> 00:31:43,160
Speaker 3: an emotional and physical response to something that is done

641
00:31:43,320 --> 00:31:46,400
Speaker 3: outside of myself by again, so it's a person that

642
00:31:46,480 --> 00:31:48,440
Speaker 3: has done something or said something. It could be a

643
00:31:48,480 --> 00:31:51,320
Speaker 3: movie I'm watching, it could be something I'm just observing

644
00:31:51,360 --> 00:31:54,080
Speaker 3: in the park, and it triggers me. There's a physical

645
00:31:54,160 --> 00:31:56,560
Speaker 3: response that comes up through me that brings an emotion

646
00:31:56,720 --> 00:32:01,200
Speaker 3: with it. And when we're triggered, what's actually happening is

647
00:32:01,360 --> 00:32:07,320
Speaker 3: that thing outside of me is mirroring a belief or

648
00:32:07,320 --> 00:32:09,600
Speaker 3: an emotion that's inside of me that comes up and

649
00:32:09,720 --> 00:32:11,760
Speaker 3: rises up on a silver platter and lands right in

650
00:32:11,760 --> 00:32:15,520
Speaker 3: front of my face. Like and this is we all

651
00:32:15,560 --> 00:32:18,200
Speaker 3: have this stuff. I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable,

652
00:32:18,280 --> 00:32:21,320
Speaker 3: I don't matter, I'm invisible. Nobody listens to me. All

653
00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:24,720
Speaker 3: of those are within all of us, and when we're triggered,

654
00:32:24,760 --> 00:32:29,200
Speaker 3: that's what's rising up for us, for us, not to us,

655
00:32:29,360 --> 00:32:34,640
Speaker 3: for us, And what most humans do is, instead of

656
00:32:34,720 --> 00:32:38,000
Speaker 3: feeling it and getting curious about that belief that's rising

657
00:32:38,080 --> 00:32:41,240
Speaker 3: up for us, we turn to a friend or family

658
00:32:41,280 --> 00:32:44,240
Speaker 3: member or husband or wife or whomever and say, can

659
00:32:44,280 --> 00:32:46,920
Speaker 3: you believe Kelly said that about me? I can't believe

660
00:32:46,960 --> 00:32:49,120
Speaker 3: she did that. Blah blah blah blah blah, this is

661
00:32:49,160 --> 00:32:51,400
Speaker 3: what happened, YadA YadA yah. And then guess what, that

662
00:32:51,440 --> 00:32:54,880
Speaker 3: person's gonna validate me and say, God, Kelly's so rude.

663
00:32:54,880 --> 00:32:56,600
Speaker 3: I can't believe she said. I'm like, you're right, she

664
00:32:56,680 --> 00:33:00,400
Speaker 3: is rude. Yep. And then that beautiful belief starts to

665
00:33:00,400 --> 00:33:04,040
Speaker 3: fall back down, and it's back down in the unconscious mind.

666
00:33:04,120 --> 00:33:08,360
Speaker 3: So I love getting triggered because it's like, give it

667
00:33:08,400 --> 00:33:10,880
Speaker 3: to me. It's one of my beliefs that I have

668
00:33:11,160 --> 00:33:14,040
Speaker 3: down in that unconscious mind that's settled down in there

669
00:33:14,080 --> 00:33:16,680
Speaker 3: around the age of three for most of us. And

670
00:33:16,720 --> 00:33:18,840
Speaker 3: then it rises up. It's again, it's a way to

671
00:33:18,920 --> 00:33:21,240
Speaker 3: clean up our roadmap and update our roadmap.

672
00:33:21,520 --> 00:33:24,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's just information more than anything. Yeah, And if you,

673
00:33:25,120 --> 00:33:27,760
Speaker 2: like you said, stay curious. If you can stay curious

674
00:33:27,800 --> 00:33:30,280
Speaker 2: and hold space for it, often it does lead you

675
00:33:30,360 --> 00:33:33,560
Speaker 2: just closer to yourself and your own map of like

676
00:33:34,240 --> 00:33:38,560
Speaker 2: even understanding what is driving you. Like to me, the

677
00:33:38,600 --> 00:33:41,040
Speaker 2: mirror thing you're talking about goes so deep because it

678
00:33:41,080 --> 00:33:43,240
Speaker 2: can be who we pick to be in relationships with

679
00:33:43,640 --> 00:33:45,040
Speaker 2: and all of the things that we can carry so

680
00:33:45,120 --> 00:33:49,160
Speaker 2: much shame about later. But again, it's all information. And

681
00:33:49,200 --> 00:33:51,040
Speaker 2: so when you're in it, if that's happening and you

682
00:33:51,120 --> 00:33:54,840
Speaker 2: continue to get triggered over and over and over, okay,

683
00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:56,880
Speaker 2: what is it here to show you? It's here to

684
00:33:56,920 --> 00:33:58,200
Speaker 2: show you something.

685
00:33:58,480 --> 00:34:02,360
Speaker 3: Every time, every time, And people will ask me, well,

686
00:34:03,120 --> 00:34:05,520
Speaker 3: maybe I'm just mad. Can't I just get angry? You know?

687
00:34:05,560 --> 00:34:08,560
Speaker 3: Maybe it's just anger, And I'm like, yeah, here's how.

688
00:34:08,600 --> 00:34:12,920
Speaker 3: You know the difference if you are cut off and

689
00:34:13,239 --> 00:34:15,880
Speaker 3: let's say you're going to Whole Foods and you're waiting

690
00:34:15,880 --> 00:34:17,640
Speaker 3: for this parking spot, and you know how hard it

691
00:34:17,680 --> 00:34:20,359
Speaker 3: is to parking that Whole Foods in Nashville. Oh it's terrible, yes,

692
00:34:20,960 --> 00:34:24,400
Speaker 3: or that damn Trader Joe's it's even hard on Yes, Okay,

693
00:34:24,400 --> 00:34:26,359
Speaker 3: we're going to Trader Joe's. And I'm waiting for that

694
00:34:26,440 --> 00:34:29,400
Speaker 3: parking spot, and I'm waiting and waiting. This guy's walking

695
00:34:29,400 --> 00:34:31,399
Speaker 3: out and he backs his car out and then I'm

696
00:34:31,440 --> 00:34:33,239
Speaker 3: about to pull in and someone else pulls in and

697
00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:36,240
Speaker 3: takes it, and I am hot. I'm so mad because

698
00:34:36,280 --> 00:34:38,759
Speaker 3: I've been waiting, waiting, waiting. Yeah, so I walk in

699
00:34:38,800 --> 00:34:41,920
Speaker 3: the store, I'm still mad. And then I start shopping

700
00:34:42,000 --> 00:34:43,640
Speaker 3: and I have my apples in the cart and everything,

701
00:34:43,800 --> 00:34:45,560
Speaker 3: and then I kind of forget about it and it's gone.

702
00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:48,960
Speaker 3: That's just Hey, I'm angry this guy took my parking spot,

703
00:34:49,000 --> 00:34:52,360
Speaker 3: but I'm over it, done, not thinking about it. If

704
00:34:52,520 --> 00:34:55,520
Speaker 3: I go into the store, I'm still thinking about it.

705
00:34:56,200 --> 00:34:58,880
Speaker 3: An hour later, two hours later, I'm talking about can

706
00:34:58,920 --> 00:35:01,359
Speaker 3: you leave? People do that? That's so rude and it's

707
00:35:01,360 --> 00:35:04,319
Speaker 3: bothering me. It's like in me, I keep thinking about it. Yeah,

708
00:35:04,400 --> 00:35:08,400
Speaker 3: keeps coming to my consciousness. That's a trigger. That's a

709
00:35:08,400 --> 00:35:11,719
Speaker 3: trigger versus just being angry because someone did something that

710
00:35:11,960 --> 00:35:13,920
Speaker 3: you know, kind of ticks me off. Have you ever

711
00:35:13,960 --> 00:35:17,600
Speaker 3: been with friends and you're watching something or someone says

712
00:35:17,640 --> 00:35:21,360
Speaker 3: something and you might be offended, or someone else in

713
00:35:21,400 --> 00:35:23,279
Speaker 3: your group is offended, and you're like, why are you

714
00:35:23,280 --> 00:35:25,239
Speaker 3: so upset about that, so not a big deal yet,

715
00:35:25,440 --> 00:35:26,960
Speaker 3: and they're like, well, what do you mean, how are

716
00:35:26,960 --> 00:35:29,319
Speaker 3: you not offended? It's like, yeah, I don't know, I'm not,

717
00:35:29,360 --> 00:35:32,080
Speaker 3: but you are. It's because they had that belief rose

718
00:35:32,160 --> 00:35:35,080
Speaker 3: up in them, but maybe nobody else, maybe two people

719
00:35:35,120 --> 00:35:37,520
Speaker 3: they I had that same belief. So it's really fun.

720
00:35:37,600 --> 00:35:40,360
Speaker 3: Like when you truly understand what triggers are. And in

721
00:35:40,440 --> 00:35:42,680
Speaker 3: the Adult charebook I have, I think it's a six

722
00:35:42,760 --> 00:35:44,120
Speaker 3: er I can't remember if not my head, but six

723
00:35:44,239 --> 00:35:47,799
Speaker 3: or seven step process that walks you through how to

724
00:35:47,920 --> 00:35:51,560
Speaker 3: move through a trigger. It's pretty darn simple, but you

725
00:35:51,600 --> 00:35:53,759
Speaker 3: got to get curious and then you work down like

726
00:35:54,080 --> 00:35:56,279
Speaker 3: what's the rude of motion, what's the new belief? And

727
00:35:56,320 --> 00:35:59,120
Speaker 3: then you it's it's updating your program. The more you

728
00:35:59,200 --> 00:36:03,440
Speaker 3: do that, holy moly, we're emotionally regulated way more. We

729
00:36:03,480 --> 00:36:05,759
Speaker 3: have more peace in our lives, we can spend more

730
00:36:05,760 --> 00:36:07,839
Speaker 3: time in our heart. Again, it's like, so many great

731
00:36:07,840 --> 00:36:10,400
Speaker 3: things happen when we're able to work through that trigger.

732
00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:13,880
Speaker 2: What is the quote? If it's hysterical, it's historical?

733
00:36:14,360 --> 00:36:14,560
Speaker 1: Yeah?

734
00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:15,520
Speaker 2: Am I getting that right?

735
00:36:15,600 --> 00:36:15,920
Speaker 3: Yeah?

736
00:36:16,040 --> 00:36:19,280
Speaker 2: Yes, that's always that's kind of what you just described

737
00:36:19,280 --> 00:36:21,560
Speaker 2: if someone's having a big reaction or you're having a

738
00:36:21,560 --> 00:36:25,280
Speaker 2: big reaction, but it doesn't necessarily match what just happened

739
00:36:25,880 --> 00:36:27,360
Speaker 2: is probably from your roadmap.

740
00:36:27,840 --> 00:36:32,080
Speaker 3: That's okay, one hundred percent. And I was someone in

741
00:36:32,120 --> 00:36:34,799
Speaker 3: my twenties. I mean I was definitely, even in my

742
00:36:34,880 --> 00:36:38,600
Speaker 3: late teens, like emotionally dysregulated. I was up and out,

743
00:36:38,680 --> 00:36:40,719
Speaker 3: up and out, up, and I was like all over

744
00:36:40,760 --> 00:36:43,799
Speaker 3: the place. And I remember in my early twenties when

745
00:36:43,800 --> 00:36:45,880
Speaker 3: I really got on this journey of like, I'm going

746
00:36:45,920 --> 00:36:47,520
Speaker 3: to figure this thing out. I got to learn how

747
00:36:47,520 --> 00:36:49,120
Speaker 3: to love myself. I'm going to learn how to build

748
00:36:49,120 --> 00:36:52,239
Speaker 3: self worth. All these things did in our child work,

749
00:36:52,239 --> 00:36:56,040
Speaker 3: and I thought, okay, that's something that really turned me around,

750
00:36:56,160 --> 00:36:59,799
Speaker 3: was looking and investigating these root beliefs that are in

751
00:36:59,840 --> 00:37:04,160
Speaker 3: the triggers. I hardly ever disregulate anymore. Like it's like

752
00:37:04,280 --> 00:37:07,480
Speaker 3: a night and day experience how I used to live.

753
00:37:07,520 --> 00:37:10,719
Speaker 3: So it's powerful, powerful work. And then the last one,

754
00:37:11,320 --> 00:37:14,360
Speaker 3: which everyone's so good at, is I set healthy boundaries.

755
00:37:14,480 --> 00:37:19,480
Speaker 2: Yeah right, you talk about boundaries a lot on the podcast.

756
00:37:19,640 --> 00:37:21,560
Speaker 2: The listeners know this is where I struggle.

757
00:37:22,280 --> 00:37:25,759
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, so this is another topic. I just did

758
00:37:25,800 --> 00:37:28,040
Speaker 3: a whole boundary course on this. It's on my website

759
00:37:28,080 --> 00:37:33,040
Speaker 3: because I'm so passionate about helping people set healthy boundaries. Yeah,

760
00:37:33,080 --> 00:37:35,600
Speaker 3: and we don't know how to do that well unless

761
00:37:36,680 --> 00:37:39,120
Speaker 3: we were modeled it growing up. It's on my roadmap

762
00:37:39,160 --> 00:37:41,680
Speaker 3: that my roadmap does not contain healthy boundaries. It does

763
00:37:41,719 --> 00:37:47,239
Speaker 3: contain codependency and people pleasing and share. Remen you can't

764
00:37:47,280 --> 00:37:49,440
Speaker 3: set boundaries when you're in mesh, just saying I have

765
00:37:49,560 --> 00:37:52,319
Speaker 3: to learn how to do that. So yeah, that's why

766
00:37:52,360 --> 00:37:56,319
Speaker 3: that last pillar that anchors everything in to me what

767
00:37:56,440 --> 00:37:59,000
Speaker 3: I learned again, i'veter seen clients for so many years

768
00:37:59,000 --> 00:38:00,960
Speaker 3: and in my own journey with boundaries because I was

769
00:38:01,040 --> 00:38:02,799
Speaker 3: horrible at it. I write about that in the book

770
00:38:02,840 --> 00:38:06,880
Speaker 3: too how I overcame that. But for me, what I

771
00:38:07,000 --> 00:38:09,799
Speaker 3: found was and cause I'd say to my clients like,

772
00:38:10,320 --> 00:38:13,960
Speaker 3: here's a boundary script. Clearly, first of all, let me

773
00:38:14,000 --> 00:38:16,719
Speaker 3: back up. When I would suggest to somebody, hey, what

774
00:38:16,760 --> 00:38:18,640
Speaker 3: do you think about setting a boundary with your fill

775
00:38:18,680 --> 00:38:20,719
Speaker 3: in the blank, your kid, your mother, your husband, your wife,

776
00:38:20,800 --> 00:38:24,120
Speaker 3: your friend, most people come back and say to me.

777
00:38:24,160 --> 00:38:26,440
Speaker 3: Would come back and say to me, I'm not a

778
00:38:26,440 --> 00:38:29,040
Speaker 3: confrontational person. I'm not setting a boundary, and I'm like,

779
00:38:29,440 --> 00:38:30,960
Speaker 3: what are you talking about? It did not say to

780
00:38:30,960 --> 00:38:34,000
Speaker 3: be confrontational. I asked you to set a boundary. Two

781
00:38:34,080 --> 00:38:38,440
Speaker 3: very different things, right, sure, But you know people have

782
00:38:38,640 --> 00:38:42,719
Speaker 3: issues with setting boundaries because most people think boundaries are

783
00:38:42,760 --> 00:38:45,120
Speaker 3: like yelling, screaming, raging. And again, another girl I was

784
00:38:45,120 --> 00:38:47,239
Speaker 3: talking to the other day in a podcast, she goes, Oh,

785
00:38:47,280 --> 00:38:48,920
Speaker 3: she goes, I was one of those bosses. She was

786
00:38:48,920 --> 00:38:51,520
Speaker 3: like a big CEO. She said, Oh, I would like yell,

787
00:38:51,640 --> 00:38:54,000
Speaker 3: scream and tell people off. But I go, that's a

788
00:38:54,040 --> 00:38:58,880
Speaker 3: confrontational boundary, right, that's not healthy, I said. I called her.

789
00:38:58,920 --> 00:39:00,920
Speaker 3: I said, that's not healthy. Oh I know that now

790
00:39:00,960 --> 00:39:02,919
Speaker 3: I was really mean to people. I go, but that's

791
00:39:03,000 --> 00:39:08,480
Speaker 3: what people think boundaries are. That's an appropriate confrontation, and

792
00:39:08,880 --> 00:39:12,400
Speaker 3: it's not a healthy boundary. Healthy boundaries just teach people

793
00:39:12,480 --> 00:39:17,040
Speaker 3: how we want to be treated. They are a simple request, like, hey, Kelly,

794
00:39:17,560 --> 00:39:19,799
Speaker 3: would you mind showing up on time when we do

795
00:39:20,000 --> 00:39:22,120
Speaker 3: our weekly podcast because I feel like I'm sitting here

796
00:39:22,160 --> 00:39:23,920
Speaker 3: waiting or you always show up at the last minute.

797
00:39:24,080 --> 00:39:26,640
Speaker 3: It's really uncomfortable and I like a chance to settle

798
00:39:26,680 --> 00:39:30,359
Speaker 3: in a little bit. So that's it done. But what

799
00:39:30,440 --> 00:39:33,279
Speaker 3: I found was I would give people boundaries scripts for

800
00:39:33,320 --> 00:39:36,560
Speaker 3: all these years, and I'd say, Okay, let's do this.

801
00:39:36,920 --> 00:39:38,840
Speaker 3: We're in a role play in my office. Let's go.

802
00:39:39,000 --> 00:39:40,800
Speaker 3: You know you're gonna say this to your husband. Okay,

803
00:39:40,840 --> 00:39:43,120
Speaker 3: here I go. And they would do it in my

804
00:39:43,200 --> 00:39:45,520
Speaker 3: office and they go home and then come back the

805
00:39:45,600 --> 00:39:47,920
Speaker 3: next week. They couldn't do it, couldn't do it. What

806
00:39:48,000 --> 00:39:51,040
Speaker 3: I realized was this, to me, is the magic ingredient

807
00:39:51,080 --> 00:39:57,400
Speaker 3: in setting boundaries. It is self worth if you don't

808
00:39:57,400 --> 00:40:01,200
Speaker 3: have really healthy set well, actually there are two things.

809
00:40:01,200 --> 00:40:04,640
Speaker 3: They're self worth. Let me explain. When you go into

810
00:40:04,680 --> 00:40:06,960
Speaker 3: a jewelry store and you go, you go, I want

811
00:40:07,000 --> 00:40:09,200
Speaker 3: to see all your precious dime. Is your precious stones?

812
00:40:09,320 --> 00:40:13,359
Speaker 3: Where are they in the jewelry store in the back

813
00:40:14,480 --> 00:40:17,040
Speaker 3: there in the back of the store, closer to where

814
00:40:16,880 --> 00:40:19,480
Speaker 3: the people that are working there are behind an alarm,

815
00:40:20,440 --> 00:40:24,640
Speaker 3: Because why they're more valuable than the rest. Right, Okay,

816
00:40:25,120 --> 00:40:29,359
Speaker 3: So as a human, if I don't feel that I'm right, yes,

817
00:40:29,440 --> 00:40:29,879
Speaker 3: I just.

818
00:40:29,840 --> 00:40:30,440
Speaker 2: Sicks for me.

819
00:40:30,760 --> 00:40:34,840
Speaker 3: Yeah, if I'm not valuable, If I don't feel like

820
00:40:34,880 --> 00:40:37,920
Speaker 3: I'm valuable, which means I have healthy high self worth,

821
00:40:39,000 --> 00:40:42,360
Speaker 3: why in the world what I said a boundary. I won't.

822
00:40:42,480 --> 00:40:44,960
Speaker 3: I can't do it. I can't do it. And I

823
00:40:45,040 --> 00:40:48,600
Speaker 3: realized I've been giving people boundary scripts for years. Yeah,

824
00:40:48,640 --> 00:40:50,680
Speaker 3: they keep coming back going, I still can't do it,

825
00:40:51,040 --> 00:40:53,000
Speaker 3: I can't do it. We would roll play in my office.

826
00:40:53,000 --> 00:40:54,360
Speaker 3: They go, I don't know, I still can't do it.

827
00:40:54,360 --> 00:40:58,799
Speaker 3: I'm like, okay, come on, come on, I can't do it.

828
00:40:58,960 --> 00:41:02,160
Speaker 3: I can't do it self worth. I started building self worth.

829
00:41:02,200 --> 00:41:03,400
Speaker 3: I said, okay, we're going to go at this at

830
00:41:03,440 --> 00:41:06,560
Speaker 3: a different angle when people and this is my own

831
00:41:06,600 --> 00:41:10,920
Speaker 3: experience with them too. The more I valued myself, the

832
00:41:11,000 --> 00:41:15,919
Speaker 3: more my tolerance for someone infringing on or bumping into

833
00:41:15,920 --> 00:41:19,840
Speaker 3: one of my boundaries went way down. Kelly, I was

834
00:41:19,880 --> 00:41:22,040
Speaker 3: not good at boundaries. I was so co codependent in

835
00:41:22,080 --> 00:41:26,839
Speaker 3: a mesh. It started happening almost automatically, and I would

836
00:41:26,880 --> 00:41:28,680
Speaker 3: just what would come out of my mouth was like,

837
00:41:28,719 --> 00:41:31,480
Speaker 3: hold on a second, that's not okay with me. No yelling,

838
00:41:31,520 --> 00:41:34,080
Speaker 3: no screaming. But that was my favorite boundary stamp. And

839
00:41:34,080 --> 00:41:37,960
Speaker 3: I'm like, hold on, that's not okay with me. And

840
00:41:38,000 --> 00:41:41,080
Speaker 3: I would surprise myself and my clients started saying the

841
00:41:41,120 --> 00:41:44,680
Speaker 3: same thing. They're like, wait a minute, it almost is automatic,

842
00:41:44,800 --> 00:41:48,799
Speaker 3: and I know now something doesn't feel right within me.

843
00:41:49,160 --> 00:41:50,000
Speaker 2: Did to your body?

844
00:41:50,320 --> 00:41:53,880
Speaker 3: Yes, right, Yeah, something doesn't feel right right. But it

845
00:41:53,920 --> 00:41:56,880
Speaker 3: doesn't feel right because I value myself and I know

846
00:41:57,440 --> 00:42:01,600
Speaker 3: that I'm so valuable. What's happened outside of myself, outside

847
00:42:01,600 --> 00:42:05,000
Speaker 3: of the boundary out there? Something's not right. I need

848
00:42:05,040 --> 00:42:08,320
Speaker 3: to speak up. Then we can do the scripts.

849
00:42:08,680 --> 00:42:12,680
Speaker 2: Okay, it's weird because when I first started setting boundaries,

850
00:42:13,160 --> 00:42:15,719
Speaker 2: I tell this story a lot, but I remember the

851
00:42:15,880 --> 00:42:18,480
Speaker 2: very first boundary I ever sat with someone. I got

852
00:42:18,480 --> 00:42:21,960
Speaker 2: off the phone and I sobbed, like I just cried

853
00:42:22,200 --> 00:42:25,319
Speaker 2: and cried because it felt so mean to me, Like

854
00:42:25,400 --> 00:42:28,080
Speaker 2: that was what it felt like. But the reality is

855
00:42:28,080 --> 00:42:31,760
Speaker 2: is the more I set boundaries, it was interesting because

856
00:42:31,760 --> 00:42:34,279
Speaker 2: it's actually like a little more cruel to not set

857
00:42:34,320 --> 00:42:37,640
Speaker 2: boundaries because you're not being honest, is what I really realized.

858
00:42:38,040 --> 00:42:40,520
Speaker 2: And then you're not only not being honest to the

859
00:42:40,560 --> 00:42:43,640
Speaker 2: other person, but you're not, like you said, valuing yourself,

860
00:42:43,840 --> 00:42:46,160
Speaker 2: and so you're not only being a little bit mean

861
00:42:46,280 --> 00:42:48,960
Speaker 2: to them by not being honest, you're being mean to yourself.

862
00:42:49,080 --> 00:42:52,160
Speaker 2: Like I would be very self abandoning for so long

863
00:42:52,239 --> 00:42:55,080
Speaker 2: thinking this is the way to show people I love them,

864
00:42:55,239 --> 00:42:58,200
Speaker 2: and you know, the self sacrifice kind of thing. Yeah,

865
00:42:58,200 --> 00:43:01,080
Speaker 2: I really realized it's not even that nice. It's just

866
00:43:01,280 --> 00:43:04,120
Speaker 2: it's very self serving to soothe my nervous system, is

867
00:43:04,120 --> 00:43:06,839
Speaker 2: what it was. And that's yes, But it creates more

868
00:43:06,880 --> 00:43:09,280
Speaker 2: problems for everybody.

869
00:43:09,120 --> 00:43:10,400
Speaker 3: Because it builds resentment.

870
00:43:11,000 --> 00:43:15,399
Speaker 2: It totally builds resentment, that's the truth. Yes. Now it's

871
00:43:15,440 --> 00:43:19,600
Speaker 2: like when I set boundaries, I'm realizing people trust me more. Like,

872
00:43:19,719 --> 00:43:21,400
Speaker 2: you know, I have a lot of friends who have

873
00:43:22,080 --> 00:43:24,920
Speaker 2: really started to trust me in a whole new way,

874
00:43:25,000 --> 00:43:27,719
Speaker 2: and I can tell like then they step into that

875
00:43:27,840 --> 00:43:29,640
Speaker 2: and then they kind of do it for themselves and

876
00:43:29,680 --> 00:43:31,960
Speaker 2: they know I'm going to respect that. And it's deepened

877
00:43:32,000 --> 00:43:35,240
Speaker 2: our kind of relationships that I can have to such

878
00:43:35,840 --> 00:43:38,239
Speaker 2: a higher level, Like we can just go so much

879
00:43:38,280 --> 00:43:42,319
Speaker 2: deeper because we know it's a safe space because there's boundaries.

880
00:43:42,719 --> 00:43:48,000
Speaker 3: Absolutely, absolutely, And when we build the resentment, you know,

881
00:43:48,040 --> 00:43:51,000
Speaker 3: it just happens automatically, doesn't it. Yeah, I'm so bad

882
00:43:51,040 --> 00:43:52,399
Speaker 3: at you, but I'm not going to say it. It's

883
00:43:52,440 --> 00:43:54,759
Speaker 3: like it starts to build and build and build and

884
00:43:54,800 --> 00:43:57,719
Speaker 3: build and build. Those are the logs again in the

885
00:43:57,719 --> 00:44:01,000
Speaker 3: beautiful river that we are they're the laws that keep building.

886
00:44:01,040 --> 00:44:03,319
Speaker 3: That's the resentment. And then what happens is those are

887
00:44:03,320 --> 00:44:08,200
Speaker 3: the people that say to their partner, I'm done. I'm

888
00:44:08,200 --> 00:44:09,719
Speaker 3: just done. I want to end the relationship, and the

889
00:44:09,719 --> 00:44:14,160
Speaker 3: partners like what I thought that we're talking about? What?

890
00:44:14,520 --> 00:44:16,719
Speaker 3: Or the friends that all of a sudden have this

891
00:44:16,840 --> 00:44:20,240
Speaker 3: huge explosion all over you and it's out of left field,

892
00:44:20,320 --> 00:44:23,600
Speaker 3: and you're like, wait, why you what's happening here? Why

893
00:44:23,600 --> 00:44:26,320
Speaker 3: are you so freaking Matt? You know, it's like because

894
00:44:26,360 --> 00:44:31,200
Speaker 3: they never said anything for days, weeks, years, and it built, built, built, built, built,

895
00:44:31,200 --> 00:44:33,400
Speaker 3: and then it's like the whole thing right.

896
00:44:33,320 --> 00:44:35,160
Speaker 2: And you had no idea there was even a problem.

897
00:44:35,280 --> 00:44:36,480
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm like I don't even know.

898
00:44:37,000 --> 00:44:39,520
Speaker 2: Yeah. Wow, Okay, Well, I feel like I could keep

899
00:44:39,520 --> 00:44:41,839
Speaker 2: talking about all of this stuffe forever, but I want

900
00:44:41,840 --> 00:44:44,319
Speaker 2: the listeners to go buy the book. So if you

901
00:44:44,440 --> 00:44:46,520
Speaker 2: had to just summarize maybe some of the things that

902
00:44:46,560 --> 00:44:48,640
Speaker 2: we talked about, like what is your hope for the

903
00:44:48,680 --> 00:44:51,200
Speaker 2: listeners and the readers of your book? What do you

904
00:44:51,280 --> 00:44:52,959
Speaker 2: really want this book to bring to people?

905
00:44:54,840 --> 00:44:58,520
Speaker 3: You said the magic word, which is hope. I don't

906
00:44:58,560 --> 00:45:00,720
Speaker 3: like the word healing because to me, i'd always implied

907
00:45:00,760 --> 00:45:02,520
Speaker 3: that I was broken. People will go, you need to

908
00:45:02,560 --> 00:45:05,600
Speaker 3: heal that. I'm like, uh, I'm not broken, And that

909
00:45:05,760 --> 00:45:07,840
Speaker 3: was one of my wounds, was that I'm broken. I'm like,

910
00:45:08,320 --> 00:45:11,200
Speaker 3: it's not that we need healing, but we need hope

911
00:45:11,239 --> 00:45:14,040
Speaker 3: that we can transform our lives. And the way that

912
00:45:14,120 --> 00:45:16,560
Speaker 3: I've always taught and at, whether it be a course

913
00:45:16,680 --> 00:45:19,320
Speaker 3: or a live event or even written the book, people

914
00:45:19,320 --> 00:45:20,839
Speaker 3: have mirrored this back to me and I didn't even

915
00:45:20,880 --> 00:45:23,360
Speaker 3: know it, just by mistake, even on the podcast. So like,

916
00:45:23,640 --> 00:45:27,600
Speaker 3: everything you say is so simple. You've changed my life.

917
00:45:27,680 --> 00:45:30,920
Speaker 3: Thank you so much. It's you simplify everything. I'm like,

918
00:45:31,000 --> 00:45:33,040
Speaker 3: I don't mean to, it's just how I think. I'm

919
00:45:33,120 --> 00:45:36,520
Speaker 3: very simple. I remember a lady she emailed in, and

920
00:45:36,560 --> 00:45:38,360
Speaker 3: I think I've done twenty I do a lot of

921
00:45:38,400 --> 00:45:41,000
Speaker 3: my own episodes on the show. I just on my podcast,

922
00:45:41,040 --> 00:45:43,279
Speaker 3: I just talk about all the stuff you and I

923
00:45:43,280 --> 00:45:45,600
Speaker 3: were talking about, right, Yeah. But I had a woman

924
00:45:45,680 --> 00:45:49,239
Speaker 3: she emailed in, and I've done twenty five episodes on

925
00:45:49,320 --> 00:45:52,160
Speaker 3: Codependency alone. And she emailed in and she says, I've

926
00:45:52,160 --> 00:45:54,840
Speaker 3: been in therapy for ten years, and she says, I

927
00:45:54,960 --> 00:45:57,040
Speaker 3: just listened to one year podcast. It was forty two

928
00:45:57,120 --> 00:46:00,080
Speaker 3: minutes long, and I just learned finally what codep and

929
00:46:00,239 --> 00:46:01,960
Speaker 3: see what? So I'm like, oh, she goes. I love

930
00:46:02,000 --> 00:46:04,520
Speaker 3: how you broke it down. I'm like, it's not nothing

931
00:46:04,640 --> 00:46:09,600
Speaker 3: is complicated. So my hope is that anyone that reads

932
00:46:09,640 --> 00:46:11,719
Speaker 3: this book. And honestly, I think this book needs to

933
00:46:11,719 --> 00:46:13,480
Speaker 3: be in schools. I say that all the time, like,

934
00:46:14,160 --> 00:46:17,000
Speaker 3: this is the book that should be in schools, that

935
00:46:17,120 --> 00:46:18,600
Speaker 3: we all should have learned when we were in high

936
00:46:18,600 --> 00:46:21,440
Speaker 3: school instead of taking all those stupid AP classes in

937
00:46:21,520 --> 00:46:23,040
Speaker 3: college courses like like.

938
00:46:23,000 --> 00:46:25,880
Speaker 2: Who needs calculus? When am I using that in my

939
00:46:25,920 --> 00:46:26,560
Speaker 2: adult life?

940
00:46:26,800 --> 00:46:29,480
Speaker 3: Who needs AP physics? Like? But do we need to

941
00:46:29,600 --> 00:46:32,920
Speaker 3: learn how to function as healthy ittolts? Yes? Get the book.

942
00:46:33,320 --> 00:46:35,480
Speaker 3: That is my hope. I really, my hope is to

943
00:46:35,520 --> 00:46:39,600
Speaker 3: make this planet a healthier place to live. And the

944
00:46:39,719 --> 00:46:42,680
Speaker 3: tools in here are just to are really to empower

945
00:46:42,760 --> 00:46:45,680
Speaker 3: people so they can do that. They can do it

946
00:46:45,680 --> 00:46:48,120
Speaker 3: for themselves, they can do it for their children. Another

947
00:46:48,120 --> 00:46:50,560
Speaker 3: thing people have asked me for years, like, oh my god,

948
00:46:50,960 --> 00:46:52,960
Speaker 3: I'm not in my adultiare how am I going to

949
00:46:53,120 --> 00:46:55,239
Speaker 3: make sure my kids are? What do I need to do?

950
00:46:55,280 --> 00:46:57,239
Speaker 3: I'm like, you learn how to live in your adult

951
00:46:57,480 --> 00:47:02,480
Speaker 3: because our kids we are. There's spunge, so you can

952
00:47:02,600 --> 00:47:05,520
Speaker 3: update their roadmap. Maybe you didn't know how to set

953
00:47:05,520 --> 00:47:09,200
Speaker 3: boundaries when your kids were zero to six, do it now, Yeah,

954
00:47:09,200 --> 00:47:11,120
Speaker 3: and then they're going to learn from you along the way.

955
00:47:11,160 --> 00:47:13,960
Speaker 3: They're always absorbing what we're doing in the household.

956
00:47:14,120 --> 00:47:17,359
Speaker 2: So do it for yourself. That is so true. That's

957
00:47:17,400 --> 00:47:19,839
Speaker 2: been my experience. My parents did that. They got into

958
00:47:19,840 --> 00:47:21,520
Speaker 2: twelve step recovery, which I talk about a lot on

959
00:47:21,520 --> 00:47:26,120
Speaker 2: the podcast when I was eight, and it changed everything. Yes,

960
00:47:26,239 --> 00:47:30,400
Speaker 2: I started to watch my parents change and learn boundaries

961
00:47:30,440 --> 00:47:33,720
Speaker 2: and learn how to have healthy conversations, and it really

962
00:47:33,760 --> 00:47:36,600
Speaker 2: taught me, oh, well, if there's something I don't know,

963
00:47:36,719 --> 00:47:38,560
Speaker 2: I can go learn it too, you know, if I

964
00:47:38,600 --> 00:47:40,720
Speaker 2: didn't get the tools that I needed when I was younger,

965
00:47:41,239 --> 00:47:44,680
Speaker 2: and exactly. Yeah, it was just such a helpful experience.

966
00:47:44,800 --> 00:47:48,200
Speaker 3: I love it. Thank God, Thank god you had that experience. No, truly, Yeah,

967
00:47:48,360 --> 00:47:50,520
Speaker 3: so many of us did it right exactly, and we

968
00:47:50,560 --> 00:47:53,000
Speaker 3: had to stumble our way through life try and figure

969
00:47:53,040 --> 00:47:56,520
Speaker 3: it out. So the book has packed people. I've getten

970
00:47:56,560 --> 00:47:59,560
Speaker 3: such great feedback, which really warms my heart. Of course,

971
00:47:59,640 --> 00:48:01,719
Speaker 3: but the book is written in a way that It's

972
00:48:01,760 --> 00:48:04,640
Speaker 3: got tons of client examples that are really fun to read,

973
00:48:04,920 --> 00:48:06,520
Speaker 3: and people will say, oh my god, that was me.

974
00:48:07,040 --> 00:48:10,000
Speaker 3: But I also have so many client experience or excuse me,

975
00:48:10,040 --> 00:48:12,920
Speaker 3: so many exercises in it. So it really is a

976
00:48:13,000 --> 00:48:16,719
Speaker 3: transformational journey of self. So as you read it, you're

977
00:48:16,719 --> 00:48:18,239
Speaker 3: going to learn how to set boundaries. I'm going to

978
00:48:18,280 --> 00:48:21,200
Speaker 3: break the whole thing down for you. How you set

979
00:48:21,320 --> 00:48:24,600
Speaker 3: a boundary. Here's what you do. Step one, do this,

980
00:48:25,080 --> 00:48:27,920
Speaker 3: step two. And I said someone the other day, she's

981
00:48:27,960 --> 00:48:30,439
Speaker 3: one of my coaches, and she said, oh my god,

982
00:48:30,520 --> 00:48:33,000
Speaker 3: my client came in with the Adult Chair Book and

983
00:48:33,080 --> 00:48:34,960
Speaker 3: I had the Adult Chair Book, and we just started

984
00:48:35,000 --> 00:48:37,040
Speaker 3: working the pillars together and we just walked through your

985
00:48:37,040 --> 00:48:39,879
Speaker 3: book together. I was like, awesome. So I don't care

986
00:48:39,880 --> 00:48:42,560
Speaker 3: how people use it, but please do use it because

987
00:48:42,760 --> 00:48:45,280
Speaker 3: it's just a beautiful gift that I put into the world.

988
00:48:45,320 --> 00:48:47,799
Speaker 3: And I could only because I want people to learn

989
00:48:47,880 --> 00:48:50,080
Speaker 3: how to transform their lives because it's possible, and I

990
00:48:50,120 --> 00:48:51,640
Speaker 3: think a lot of us feel stuck. We don't know

991
00:48:51,680 --> 00:48:52,239
Speaker 3: how to do it.

992
00:48:52,640 --> 00:48:56,040
Speaker 2: Yeah, it is definitely possible. Well, the book I've mentioned

993
00:48:56,160 --> 00:48:58,520
Speaker 2: is the Adult Chair. Get unstuck, claim your power, and

994
00:48:58,600 --> 00:49:00,719
Speaker 2: transform your life. I'll put that in the description of

995
00:49:00,719 --> 00:49:03,600
Speaker 2: this podcast for you guys. As we've also mentioned, you

996
00:49:03,719 --> 00:49:07,200
Speaker 2: have a podcast, the Michelle Chalfont Did I.

997
00:49:07,160 --> 00:49:07,759
Speaker 3: Get Out It Back?

998
00:49:07,800 --> 00:49:11,080
Speaker 2: Okay show Live from the Adult Chair, so you'll have

999
00:49:11,160 --> 00:49:14,400
Speaker 2: way more conversations about this and obviously it sounds like

1000
00:49:14,880 --> 00:49:17,480
Speaker 2: a lot of knowledge being dropped, so I'll also put

1001
00:49:17,520 --> 00:49:19,360
Speaker 2: that in the description of this podcast for you guys.

1002
00:49:19,640 --> 00:49:22,160
Speaker 2: If people want to work with you in any capacity,

1003
00:49:22,200 --> 00:49:23,920
Speaker 2: where would they reach out and find you?

1004
00:49:24,560 --> 00:49:26,680
Speaker 3: Yeah, I would go to the Just go to the

1005
00:49:26,680 --> 00:49:29,960
Speaker 3: adult chare dot com. That's my website. They'll see everything.

1006
00:49:30,400 --> 00:49:32,839
Speaker 3: I did a free master class for anyone that bought

1007
00:49:32,880 --> 00:49:36,759
Speaker 3: the book, So if anyone wants that masterclass, go to

1008
00:49:36,840 --> 00:49:39,880
Speaker 3: the adult chare dot com. Forward slash Book. I'm going

1009
00:49:39,960 --> 00:49:44,040
Speaker 3: to keep it live for people because people absolutely went

1010
00:49:44,200 --> 00:49:46,560
Speaker 3: bonkers over it. I was like, Okay, they loved it,

1011
00:49:46,600 --> 00:49:48,320
Speaker 3: and I said, I want to give that back to everybody.

1012
00:49:48,400 --> 00:49:52,239
Speaker 3: So if anyone wants that, go ahead and download that masterclass.

1013
00:49:52,280 --> 00:49:54,399
Speaker 3: It's really good. Really it goes over the whole book

1014
00:49:54,440 --> 00:49:56,000
Speaker 3: and teaches you how to use the book and everything.

1015
00:49:56,040 --> 00:49:58,279
Speaker 2: So amazing. So the adult share dot com, you guys,

1016
00:49:58,280 --> 00:50:00,359
Speaker 2: go check out the description of this podcast for all

1017
00:50:00,440 --> 00:50:03,000
Speaker 2: of these links. Michelle, this was so fun for me.

1018
00:50:03,120 --> 00:50:04,960
Speaker 2: This was like a fun friend conversation.

1019
00:50:05,360 --> 00:50:06,960
Speaker 3: I agree, this is so fun.

1020
00:50:07,040 --> 00:50:09,200
Speaker 2: Thank you for having me, of course, thank you so

1021
00:50:09,320 --> 00:50:11,240
Speaker 2: much for being here, and thank you guys for listening.

1022
00:50:11,920 --> 00:50:14,920
Speaker 1: Thanks for listening to the Velvet's Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson,

1023
00:50:15,080 --> 00:50:17,200
Speaker 1: where we believe everyone has a little.

1024
00:50:17,000 --> 00:50:18,280
Speaker 2: Velvet and a little edge.

1025
00:50:18,480 --> 00:50:22,840
Speaker 1: Subscribe for more conversations on life, style, beauty and relationships.

1026
00:50:23,040 --> 00:50:28,200
Speaker 1: Search Velvet's Edge wherever you get your podcasts.