1
00:00:00,560 --> 00:00:02,600
Speaker 1: True to life. This is not the first thing that

2
00:00:02,640 --> 00:00:06,920
Speaker 1: I woke up, Just like every other thing that I

3
00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:11,600
Speaker 1: have been supposed to do since I have had this kid.

4
00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:17,880
Speaker 1: I am late coming to this, so yeah, I'm recording

5
00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:24,840
Speaker 1: this at ten thirty. So far today I have already

6
00:00:25,840 --> 00:00:31,240
Speaker 1: got up with the baby at six thirty, dropped off laundry,

7
00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:35,320
Speaker 1: moved the car, picked up a bunch of rice because

8
00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:39,360
Speaker 1: we were out of rice, made breakfast for the family,

9
00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:44,760
Speaker 1: put the baby, tried to get him to nap by himself. Failed,

10
00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:53,560
Speaker 1: put him down for a nap on my lap, changed

11
00:00:53,560 --> 00:01:01,440
Speaker 1: his diaper a few times, and yep, have him all

12
00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:08,040
Speaker 1: day today, but Thursdays and Fridays he's with a nanny.

13
00:01:08,840 --> 00:01:09,000
Speaker 2: So.

14
00:01:10,680 --> 00:01:10,959
Speaker 3: You know.

15
00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:17,400
Speaker 1: We can do this. He's looking very calm and very

16
00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:35,880
Speaker 1: cute right now in this stroller. Yeah, that's it. This

17
00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:38,640
Speaker 1: is finally a show about a first time mom and

18
00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:43,080
Speaker 1: first time author. I'm Stephanie Fou. I am a journalist

19
00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:46,600
Speaker 1: and an author of a book called Oh Don't Touch That,

20
00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:53,320
Speaker 1: Let My Bones Know, and I am a new mom

21
00:01:53,400 --> 00:02:02,920
Speaker 1: of a almost six month old baby. My baby boy,

22
00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:06,680
Speaker 1: it's really fixated on this sausage looking microphone wants to

23
00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:06,960
Speaker 1: eat it.

24
00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:09,720
Speaker 3: He is.

25
00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:13,760
Speaker 1: His name is well, we call him baby E and

26
00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:18,480
Speaker 1: he is just about the cutest baby you'll ever see.

27
00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:23,280
Speaker 1: And I think that's objectively true. Even my friends who

28
00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:27,400
Speaker 1: don't have kids say that that's true, and so I

29
00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:30,520
Speaker 1: believe it. And then they send me pictures of other

30
00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:33,679
Speaker 1: babies that they think are ugly, so then I really

31
00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:37,960
Speaker 1: believe it. So yeah, he's the cutest ever. He's very social,

32
00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:43,160
Speaker 1: he likes people, he likes his baby Jim. He is

33
00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:46,440
Speaker 1: a very very large eater, and he yeah, he's very

34
00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:52,040
Speaker 1: large in general. He's almost twenty pounds, which is he's

35
00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:55,800
Speaker 1: very heavy, and he's been his whole life, very active

36
00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:59,520
Speaker 1: and strong. Even in the womb, he was nine pounds almost.

37
00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:10,120
Speaker 1: I think when he was born, I'm five to one.

38
00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:15,280
Speaker 1: It wasn't the easiest pregnancy. My first trimester, I was

39
00:03:15,440 --> 00:03:20,960
Speaker 1: very nauseous, my second trimester, I was very constipated. I

40
00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:24,240
Speaker 1: was hospitalized for being too constipated. And then my third

41
00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:27,560
Speaker 1: trimester I lost the ability to walk. So it was

42
00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:30,520
Speaker 1: hard and it was really scary too. I think that

43
00:03:30,639 --> 00:03:35,040
Speaker 1: was probably the hardest part, was just being scared about

44
00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:38,160
Speaker 1: becoming a mom, what that meant, what kind of mom

45
00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:44,040
Speaker 1: I would be, and if I would hate it, or

46
00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:50,200
Speaker 1: if what if I'm like an abusive nightmare mom, or

47
00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:51,720
Speaker 1: what if I don't love him?

48
00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:52,080
Speaker 2: You know?

49
00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:58,520
Speaker 1: And then he came out and he's great, so cute.

50
00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:03,360
Speaker 1: So I wish I had known that when I was pregnant.

51
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:04,680
Speaker 1: I wish I had known that he was gonna be

52
00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:11,840
Speaker 1: the best baby. I really didn't want to be a

53
00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:15,800
Speaker 1: mom ever. And then I married somebody who really wanted

54
00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:21,120
Speaker 1: to have kids, and then he went on a long

55
00:04:21,279 --> 00:04:22,960
Speaker 1: campaign to convince me to have kids, and then we

56
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:26,359
Speaker 1: had kids. Before we have a kid, but yeah, I

57
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:31,400
Speaker 1: didn't want kids because I think I have complex PTSD

58
00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:37,679
Speaker 1: and from a really abusive childhood, and there's a lot there.

59
00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:40,080
Speaker 1: I think part of it is I had to do

60
00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:42,320
Speaker 1: so much caretaking for my parents when I was a kid,

61
00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:51,600
Speaker 1: and I don't particularly or I didn't particularly enjoy doing caretaking. Therefore,

62
00:04:52,200 --> 00:05:00,040
Speaker 1: as an adult it was kind of triggering. And he

63
00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:01,919
Speaker 1: was basically taught at a young age because both my

64
00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:04,440
Speaker 1: parents abandoned me that you just fend for yourself, you

65
00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:07,440
Speaker 1: take good care of yourself, and you get yours and

66
00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:11,479
Speaker 1: don't trust anyone and that's it. And taking care of

67
00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:14,040
Speaker 1: a kid is pretty much the opposite of that, you

68
00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:18,080
Speaker 1: have to be totally selfless and you also have to Sorry,

69
00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:21,160
Speaker 1: he's just kicking you. I hope you don't mind that

70
00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:24,919
Speaker 1: you have to be totally selfless and you have to

71
00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:27,400
Speaker 1: also rely on other people. You have to rely on

72
00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:33,039
Speaker 1: a whole village. And that concept was really frightening to me.

73
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:39,800
Speaker 1: And I also was really afraid of you know, all

74
00:05:39,839 --> 00:05:43,839
Speaker 1: I know of being a parent is how my parents

75
00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:46,159
Speaker 1: parented me, and so I was afraid that I was

76
00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:49,560
Speaker 1: just going to pass that down to him. So that's

77
00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:52,400
Speaker 1: why I was very hesitant for a very long time.

78
00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:11,560
Speaker 1: My mom, I think didn't like me very much. Maybe

79
00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:14,560
Speaker 1: I don't know. I think that she felt really trapped

80
00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:19,760
Speaker 1: being a stay at home mom. I think she felt unfulfilled.

81
00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:23,919
Speaker 1: I think maybe she was not parented very well. I

82
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:30,920
Speaker 1: don't know, but she was pretty extremely physically and verbally abusive.

83
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:37,440
Speaker 1: And she left when I was thirteen and I have

84
00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:43,960
Speaker 1: never seen her since. So you know that again, that's

85
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:51,680
Speaker 1: the image I had of mothers of motherhood. And we

86
00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:57,040
Speaker 1: have this book actually called good Night Edgar that we

87
00:06:57,120 --> 00:07:03,720
Speaker 1: got for Christmas, and it's like the crow from never More,

88
00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:08,320
Speaker 1: Like gir Allan Poe and his mom is telling him

89
00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:10,440
Speaker 1: to do things, and he's like never more and never more.

90
00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:12,720
Speaker 1: And at the end he's like, oh, don't pull the

91
00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:13,240
Speaker 1: cat's hair.

92
00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:25,000
Speaker 3: No, everybody, gentle, Okay, chaos, you want to look at

93
00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:27,679
Speaker 3: the worm?

94
00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:36,280
Speaker 1: Okay? What was I saying? I was talking about my

95
00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:39,480
Speaker 1: abusive mother. No, okay?

96
00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:40,640
Speaker 2: Oh.

97
00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:43,880
Speaker 1: And at the end he's like, do you love me, mom?

98
00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:47,480
Speaker 1: And she's like forever more? And I was like, wow,

99
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:51,600
Speaker 1: I probably will love him forever. And I was that

100
00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:55,520
Speaker 1: was like complete surprise to me and a complete foreign concept,

101
00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:58,080
Speaker 1: isn't that? And then I realized that that's like really

102
00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:03,960
Speaker 1: fucked up and said, but yeah, I still don't really

103
00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:09,520
Speaker 1: like any still don't really like anybody else's baby. Oh.

104
00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:12,600
Speaker 1: I mean they're okay, they're fine, but I like them

105
00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:15,400
Speaker 1: more than I used to. But I really like my own.

106
00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:20,400
Speaker 1: And I'm surprised by the fact that I think I'm

107
00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:27,160
Speaker 1: actually a pretty decent mom. I've never held a baby

108
00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:31,200
Speaker 1: before I had my own. And but you learn on

109
00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:36,600
Speaker 1: the job and once you're you know, feeding them like

110
00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:42,960
Speaker 1: sixteen times a day, twenty four to seven, ye like,

111
00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:45,800
Speaker 1: you get pretty you get the hang of it.

112
00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:07,440
Speaker 2: Ah, we.

113
00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:13,920
Speaker 1: Slogs, which slot do you want.

114
00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:15,760
Speaker 3: Okay.

115
00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:24,319
Speaker 1: So in twenty eighteen, I think I was diagnosed with

116
00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:28,559
Speaker 1: complex PTSD, and I had never heard of it before,

117
00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:32,320
Speaker 1: so I googled it and I found that it was

118
00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:37,800
Speaker 1: a pretty serious condition that is different than from classic

119
00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:41,560
Speaker 1: PTSD in that it occurs when the trauma happens over

120
00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:45,680
Speaker 1: and over and over again many times over the course

121
00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:50,360
Speaker 1: of years, and mine comes from extreme child abuse neglect.

122
00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:57,440
Speaker 1: And I was pretty floored with the diagnosis, and it

123
00:09:57,559 --> 00:10:01,640
Speaker 1: explained a lot of the troubling patterns that had occurred

124
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:05,520
Speaker 1: throughout my life, and so I decided that I really

125
00:10:05,559 --> 00:10:11,360
Speaker 1: really wanted to heal from this. And I also learned

126
00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:15,719
Speaker 1: that there were no real firsthand accounts, no like memoirs

127
00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:20,400
Speaker 1: about living and trying to heal from complex PTSD, and

128
00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:23,120
Speaker 1: so I told myself that if I was able to

129
00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:27,840
Speaker 1: feel better and to heal, then I would try and

130
00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:33,959
Speaker 1: write that account. I also was turning thirty, and I

131
00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:36,240
Speaker 1: had realized that I had been sad for a very

132
00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:40,760
Speaker 1: very long time, and so I asked my therapist, like,

133
00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:46,360
Speaker 1: am I bipolar? What do you think is wrong with me?

134
00:10:46,679 --> 00:10:56,160
Speaker 1: And indeed that's when she told me that I have

135
00:10:56,280 --> 00:11:09,839
Speaker 1: complex PTSD. The diagnosis of complex PTSD helped me help

136
00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:19,920
Speaker 1: me to understand that my diagnosis helped explain a lot

137
00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:25,520
Speaker 1: of my mental health struggles, my struggles and relationships. It

138
00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:32,439
Speaker 1: helped me understand that my job, my workaholism, my relationships

139
00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:36,640
Speaker 1: with friends, with lovers were all influenced far more than

140
00:11:36,679 --> 00:11:43,360
Speaker 1: I had thought by my abusive childhood. I had thought like, well,

141
00:11:43,559 --> 00:11:46,560
Speaker 1: I grew up and I'm successful now and I have

142
00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:51,120
Speaker 1: you know, an ira, and it's all good. I'm healed.

143
00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:57,680
Speaker 1: But I was not. It was affecting me every day

144
00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:04,160
Speaker 1: far more than I had thought. I definitely feel envious

145
00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:10,520
Speaker 1: when I see friends who have maternal support. I think

146
00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:14,880
Speaker 1: the times that are hardest for me is when I

147
00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:17,200
Speaker 1: really don't know what to do, Like with sleep chaining.

148
00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:19,880
Speaker 1: He's always kind of been a bad sleeper, and so

149
00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:22,520
Speaker 1: sometimes there are times when I'm just like, do I

150
00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:25,640
Speaker 1: go in? Do I not go in? Do I pick

151
00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:28,000
Speaker 1: him up? Do I not pick him up? And I

152
00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:31,480
Speaker 1: get paralyzed. I'm just so overwhelmed and the sound of

153
00:12:31,559 --> 00:12:36,120
Speaker 1: him crying is so painful, and I get overstimulated, and

154
00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:37,920
Speaker 1: I'm just I don't know what to do, and I

155
00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:41,960
Speaker 1: just really wish somebody was here who was a mom

156
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:45,040
Speaker 1: who would just tell me what to do like an

157
00:12:45,080 --> 00:12:52,439
Speaker 1: experienced mom, my mom. But so those are the moments

158
00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:58,240
Speaker 1: where it feels most, I feel the most longing. And

159
00:12:58,280 --> 00:13:02,320
Speaker 1: then sometimes hearing from friends who you know, we have

160
00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:04,800
Speaker 1: some friends who her mom is coming for three months

161
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:08,040
Speaker 1: and going to live down the street in a sublet,

162
00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:13,920
Speaker 1: and so they're letting go over their nanny so that

163
00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:19,640
Speaker 1: the mom can just help out for three months. And yeah,

164
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:30,160
Speaker 1: that's kind of a bummer for sure, But then again,

165
00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:36,280
Speaker 1: you hear some other stories too, about parents who are

166
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:42,280
Speaker 1: more of a hindrance than a help and who make

167
00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:47,120
Speaker 1: incessant comments about your weight or that's not the way

168
00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:48,720
Speaker 1: I would do it, or why isn't the baby wearing

169
00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:51,600
Speaker 1: a hat or that kind of thing, And we don't have.

170
00:13:51,559 --> 00:13:51,920
Speaker 2: Any of that.

171
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:54,600
Speaker 1: So and we do have familial support in terms of

172
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:55,800
Speaker 1: Joey's siblings.

173
00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:57,840
Speaker 2: He is now.

174
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:04,120
Speaker 1: Snort, he's sleeping on me. He would not go onto

175
00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:09,640
Speaker 1: his mattress. So we're continuing the interview with him in

176
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:14,600
Speaker 1: my lap. You know, I think I was alright with it,

177
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,400
Speaker 1: and then it got annoying, and then it now is

178
00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:22,240
Speaker 1: just it's just a normal part of Honestly, I kind

179
00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:25,080
Speaker 1: of like it because it's like comforting to me because

180
00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:30,960
Speaker 1: I know he's going to go to sleep, so it's fine.

181
00:14:34,120 --> 00:14:38,560
Speaker 1: What was really surprising for one is that, like I've

182
00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:42,479
Speaker 1: even seen Joey or other family members get like irritated

183
00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:45,920
Speaker 1: at him and sort of like mad at him when

184
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:50,240
Speaker 1: he's you know, refusing to go down or stop screaming

185
00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:54,800
Speaker 1: or whatever. But I've like never gotten mad at him before,

186
00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:59,400
Speaker 1: and that's been very surprising to me. I thought it

187
00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:01,640
Speaker 1: would be very hard to practice a lot of this

188
00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:05,680
Speaker 1: gentle parenting stuff that I like was watching on Instagram

189
00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:09,720
Speaker 1: for months in preparation. I was like all of the

190
00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:11,560
Speaker 1: ways that you have to talk to them in terms

191
00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:16,560
Speaker 1: of like affirming their feelings and if they're crying because

192
00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:22,080
Speaker 1: they're being changed, you don't say, like, stop crying, it's fine.

193
00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:25,160
Speaker 1: You have to say, like, oh, I know it's cold

194
00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:28,840
Speaker 1: and it's uncomfortable. I'm sorry. I'm affirming your experience, you know.

195
00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:32,040
Speaker 1: I thought that would be like a constant thing on

196
00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:34,040
Speaker 1: my mind that I would have to force myself to

197
00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:36,520
Speaker 1: do all the time. But it really just came naturally.

198
00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:39,720
Speaker 1: I don't really even need to think about it. I

199
00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:48,400
Speaker 1: don't know why. Maybe it's biological I mean, I have

200
00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:50,120
Speaker 1: a lot of I have a lot of friends who

201
00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:55,160
Speaker 1: do not have great relationships with their parents, and so

202
00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:58,600
Speaker 1: I thought that was the default. And then I have

203
00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:03,160
Speaker 1: some friends friends who had great relationships with their parents,

204
00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:08,120
Speaker 1: and it's like, what, wait, that's possible. It's so messed

205
00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:12,560
Speaker 1: up to think that, to have this weird default assumption

206
00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:17,920
Speaker 1: in my head that families just hate each other, and

207
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:27,280
Speaker 1: I'm having to untrain myself of that. Obviously, I definitely

208
00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:31,640
Speaker 1: feel anxiety. I mean, I definitely feel like, oh, this

209
00:16:31,760 --> 00:16:37,320
Speaker 1: is great now, But that's because he's a baby, you know.

210
00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:41,440
Speaker 1: I mean, wait till he's twelve and he's like, I

211
00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:45,320
Speaker 1: hate you, mom, You're the worst, or I mean he

212
00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:47,320
Speaker 1: doesn't even need to be twelve. Three year olds do

213
00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:51,040
Speaker 1: that all the time. But I have more faith in

214
00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:53,440
Speaker 1: myself to be able to handle that than I did.

215
00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:57,640
Speaker 1: A lot of parenting is just having to be very,

216
00:16:57,720 --> 00:17:01,080
Speaker 1: very present all the time. So that's what it is.

217
00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:05,439
Speaker 1: I'm also accepting that A couple of the best pieces

218
00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:09,000
Speaker 1: of advice people told me is that a everything changes.

219
00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:13,240
Speaker 1: So when there's a phase that you hate or whatever,

220
00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:16,600
Speaker 1: write it out because they change in like a week

221
00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:20,439
Speaker 1: or a month or whatever. It is, and another is

222
00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:22,840
Speaker 1: that I mean I remember hanging out with my friends

223
00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:25,600
Speaker 1: like five year old or something like that when I

224
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:28,800
Speaker 1: was like twenty seven and just being like, I don't

225
00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:31,080
Speaker 1: know how I could ever do this. I don't know

226
00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:33,520
Speaker 1: how I could parents get like this. And she was like, well,

227
00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:35,760
Speaker 1: you don't start with a five year old. You get

228
00:17:35,760 --> 00:17:39,439
Speaker 1: a baby, and then you learn how to do a baby,

229
00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:42,359
Speaker 1: and it's like you get trained along the way basically

230
00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:51,560
Speaker 1: for every new stage. And I think that has that's true.

231
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:59,159
Speaker 1: My CPTST makes me kind of still hard on myself,

232
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:06,359
Speaker 1: but it's complicated, like I'll feel like the worst mom

233
00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:09,960
Speaker 1: for doing something or like letting him cry it out

234
00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:12,600
Speaker 1: or whatever. And then I'll go in in the morning

235
00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:15,480
Speaker 1: and I'm like, have I traumatized you? And the first

236
00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:16,919
Speaker 1: thing he does is he looks at me and he

237
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:20,160
Speaker 1: just gives me this huge smile like a It's like, well,

238
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:27,160
Speaker 1: you don't seem very traumatized. You know they need you,

239
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:34,800
Speaker 1: And I think I know that the parental brain. I've

240
00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:38,120
Speaker 1: been reading this book What Their Brain, and it talks

241
00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:40,960
Speaker 1: about how like after I have a kid, you become

242
00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:44,680
Speaker 1: more hyper vigilant and the sound of babies cries you're

243
00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:48,959
Speaker 1: very hyper attentive to them, you know, like your brain

244
00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:52,960
Speaker 1: focuses its attention on your child to the detriment of

245
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:57,080
Speaker 1: literally everything else in your life kind of. And I've

246
00:18:57,080 --> 00:19:03,320
Speaker 1: definitely felt that focusing and that absolute like inability to

247
00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:06,320
Speaker 1: do anything else when the baby is crying or think

248
00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:11,240
Speaker 1: about anything else. It's like a full body sensation. The

249
00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:13,720
Speaker 1: bad side of CPTSD is that I think it can

250
00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:16,640
Speaker 1: aggravate that hypervigilance and make you be like, oh my god,

251
00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:20,439
Speaker 1: my baby. Like in the beginning, I was always like,

252
00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:23,200
Speaker 1: he's not sleeping, he's not sleeping. He needs to sleep

253
00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:25,200
Speaker 1: like they say they need to sleep eighteen hours of

254
00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:27,680
Speaker 1: the day. He's only slept like eleven hours today. Oh

255
00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:30,000
Speaker 1: my god, is he gonna die? He's gonna die? And

256
00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:31,840
Speaker 1: then Joey it, I told be like, I don't think

257
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:35,640
Speaker 1: he's gonna die from I think he just didn't sleep

258
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:38,760
Speaker 1: well today. And I'd be like, but but but I

259
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:41,400
Speaker 1: think he's gonna die. So like, that's the bad side

260
00:19:41,440 --> 00:19:45,280
Speaker 1: of CPTSD. They say that in parenting a child, that

261
00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:48,240
Speaker 1: gentle parenting, that being able to say like it's okay

262
00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:50,920
Speaker 1: to have your big feelings. That makes it easier to

263
00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:54,320
Speaker 1: apply that to yourself and for me to say it's okay, Stephanie,

264
00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:56,639
Speaker 1: for you to have your big feelings right now. And

265
00:19:56,680 --> 00:19:59,040
Speaker 1: I think sometimes I'm able to do that. I think

266
00:19:59,119 --> 00:20:03,800
Speaker 1: generally I'm pretty bad at it still, but I hope

267
00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:06,639
Speaker 1: that in time that I will get better at that,

268
00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:08,879
Speaker 1: because I do I also I really do want a

269
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:11,960
Speaker 1: model not talking about myself in front of all the time.

270
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:18,879
Speaker 1: You know, I miss my selfish self that like my

271
00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:23,560
Speaker 1: selfish self was able to in some ways build the

272
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,399
Speaker 1: life that we have now because I was able to

273
00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:28,280
Speaker 1: work on myself and I was able to go to

274
00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:36,000
Speaker 1: therapy and have a great career and you know, learn

275
00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:39,719
Speaker 1: all these skills like cooking or French or whatever it

276
00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:46,320
Speaker 1: is that are useful in my life now. But when

277
00:20:46,359 --> 00:20:51,040
Speaker 1: you're caregiving, you that part of you sort of you

278
00:20:51,119 --> 00:20:56,359
Speaker 1: have to kill it and you have to at the

279
00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:59,680
Speaker 1: end of the day look at like the blank word

280
00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:04,240
Speaker 1: docum and just say it, this is fine. Because making

281
00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:12,280
Speaker 1: sure somebody that you love has a comfortable last year

282
00:21:12,359 --> 00:21:15,760
Speaker 1: of her life, or making sure this baby that you

283
00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:26,560
Speaker 1: love feel safe, and it's really hard to balance that

284
00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:32,640
Speaker 1: and taking a shower, and like Joey will sometimes be

285
00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:34,879
Speaker 1: like oh, you smell like sour milk. And I'm like,

286
00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:43,200
Speaker 1: oh God, well, yeah, of course, time to wake up,

287
00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:46,119
Speaker 1: time to wake up. Hello.

288
00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:58,960
Speaker 2: I have thought about how I'm going to talk to

289
00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:00,800
Speaker 2: him about my relationship in my family.

290
00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:04,760
Speaker 1: I don't know. I think, you know, for a long time,

291
00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:07,720
Speaker 1: it's going to be pretty simple. Just like you know,

292
00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:14,600
Speaker 1: Mommy's parents were not so nice to her, and that's

293
00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:17,200
Speaker 1: why we don't see them.

294
00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:18,840
Speaker 2: But you are lucky.

295
00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:23,480
Speaker 1: Your parents love you very very very very very much.

296
00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:28,960
Speaker 1: Oh and so you don't have to worry about that.

297
00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:32,679
Speaker 1: But in time, I think, yeah, he's going to know

298
00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:34,600
Speaker 1: the full story. He's going to read my book eventually.

299
00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:45,960
Speaker 1: Probably you don't want to read what reading is hard

300
00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:50,280
Speaker 1: and lame and you're tired.

301
00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:53,040
Speaker 2: Yeah, those little eyes.

302
00:22:56,920 --> 00:22:59,120
Speaker 1: I mean, I don't think anyone has to have kids.

303
00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:01,920
Speaker 1: Like if I different life, I wouldn't have had kids,

304
00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:04,879
Speaker 1: and that would have been fine, you know. But I

305
00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:08,040
Speaker 1: think if you're not having kids because you're terrified of

306
00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:12,760
Speaker 1: being the parent that you were raised by, you are

307
00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:17,639
Speaker 1: not them, and you can be anyone. You can be

308
00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:20,119
Speaker 1: the parent that you want to be because you know

309
00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:30,960
Speaker 1: exactly what not to do. There's been some feelings of

310
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:34,080
Speaker 1: bewilderment and sadness about my parents just not.

311
00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:39,280
Speaker 2: Understanding. You know.

312
00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:42,480
Speaker 1: My mom used to say that, like, it's okay to

313
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:45,600
Speaker 1: spank your kid when they're in diapers because it softens

314
00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:47,879
Speaker 1: the blow and it doesn't really hurt them. I was

315
00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:51,159
Speaker 1: like potty trained by the time I was like, you're

316
00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:53,360
Speaker 1: gonna have so she's like she's banking you, and she's

317
00:23:53,480 --> 00:23:55,520
Speaker 1: I was his age. It just doesn't I'm like, oh

318
00:23:55,560 --> 00:24:02,280
Speaker 1: my god. But I also have some appreciation for how

319
00:24:02,359 --> 00:24:08,320
Speaker 1: much work goes into parenting. I don't know, it's and

320
00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:13,560
Speaker 1: I definitely feel sad a sadness that they're so profoundly

321
00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:25,000
Speaker 1: uninterested in their grandchild. But that's not surprising at all.

322
00:24:27,119 --> 00:24:30,159
Speaker 1: I've been able to be proud of myself for certain things,

323
00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:35,720
Speaker 1: and that's nice. It's really validating to be able to

324
00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:38,400
Speaker 1: look at this giant, cute baby and be like, he's

325
00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:43,360
Speaker 1: me entirely out of my milk. Like what, that's such

326
00:24:43,359 --> 00:24:43,800
Speaker 1: a trip.

327
00:24:52,119 --> 00:24:56,560
Speaker 2: Okay, I'm about to voice bed. It's eight forty five,

328
00:24:57,040 --> 00:25:01,760
Speaker 2: and the reason why I've forgotten to record this every

329
00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:05,800
Speaker 2: single night up until that hour was usually right before

330
00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:09,399
Speaker 2: I go to bed. It's because, like I tiptoe in

331
00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:13,640
Speaker 2: and the baby's crying and I lie there and associate while.

332
00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:14,720
Speaker 1: Listening to him.

333
00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:20,320
Speaker 2: But he's not crying tonight, and that's great because he's

334
00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:24,800
Speaker 2: mad chill baby. And I don't know how he got

335
00:25:24,840 --> 00:25:28,720
Speaker 2: so lucky to have such a chill baby with two

336
00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:32,440
Speaker 2: very anxious people, but we did. And yeah, I kept

337
00:25:32,520 --> 00:25:34,760
Speaker 2: him home for an extra couple hours this morning to

338
00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:37,960
Speaker 2: give him a bath and cuddle a little bit more,

339
00:25:39,359 --> 00:25:41,640
Speaker 2: and he was happy the whole time because he's our

340
00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:48,920
Speaker 2: chill ast baby. I need a giant boop. Wow. Anyways,

341
00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:55,359
Speaker 2: I'm tired. Good night

342
00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:01,720
Speaker 1: Never I need to real