Speaker 1: I haven't heard the term fuck, buddy said, I don't
Speaker 1: really want. I mean, that's such a very millennial thing.
Speaker 1: Yeah right, you know, but I mean it's true it
Speaker 1: was used, and like it's why it was so helpful.
Speaker 1: It's because, oh, you just have these people connection. Yes,
Speaker 1: Like it wasn't it wasn't that deep.
Speaker 2: It wasn't that he was hopefully do you know what
Speaker 2: we do here? Destroy shame around sex by talking about sex. Now,
Speaker 2: let me tell you something messy. I went to a
Speaker 2: sex party, which you know, if you've been here with me,
Speaker 2: you know that I go to those, but this one
Speaker 2: was with predominantly straight people. Well, I guess here's what
Speaker 2: I'll say. I think a lot of the women were queer,
Speaker 2: but a lot of the men were not. And it
Speaker 2: was very exciting because a friend of mine had been
Speaker 2: inviting me to this same sex party that my girlfriend
Speaker 2: had been inviting me to, and he was saying that
Speaker 2: he started as kind of collective of of queer men,
Speaker 2: male bodies who are exploring their sexuality and kind of
Speaker 2: join this straight sex party because the whole point of
Speaker 2: the sex party is not to just fuck, but to
Speaker 2: like intentionally connect. This is what I loved about it
Speaker 2: is that it's a sober sex party, so there's no alcohol,
Speaker 2: no drugs of any kind. The point being that everyone knows,
Speaker 2: everyone can consent enthusiastically or knows what's happening with their body,
Speaker 2: which I love. And then there's also like a whole
Speaker 2: facilitation of how you meet people and like a little
Speaker 2: bit of activities in the beginning before you know, the
Speaker 2: sex happens. It was fantastic. So we show up I
Speaker 2: thin gut somewhere on the East Side, this beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
Speaker 2: big ass house. You arrive at the gate, there were
Speaker 2: these two women in their lingerie and their rooms, checking
Speaker 2: me and my boyfriend who came with me in, and
Speaker 2: they were, of course so friendly, and I immediately instinctually
Speaker 2: became gayer because I just wanted to be like, hi, like,
Speaker 2: you know, I'm here for the dick, but like they're
Speaker 2: very nice. We hugged, you know, and they like they
Speaker 2: handed you like a card, a different colored card which
Speaker 2: would be used for facilitation. And so then you go
Speaker 2: in and it was like, you know, think about your
Speaker 2: favorite celebrities mansion. It's like that situation, but like covered
Speaker 2: in people who are in various states of undress, lots
Speaker 2: of beautiful women in their you know, lingerie men in
Speaker 2: various states of undressed as well, just kind of roaming
Speaker 2: around and talking. It was transformative, I mean, from having
Speaker 2: a full on conversation about what concept looks like, what
Speaker 2: the rules and boundaries are, to these kinky performances. One
Speaker 2: performance is I don't even know what you would call him,
Speaker 2: but basically he male and his partner female has her
Speaker 2: like blindfolded and then she like it's naked and he's
Speaker 2: like tying her up, and then at some point fire
Speaker 2: is introduced, like and also like I want to say knives,
Speaker 2: but like you know, like the I don't know what
Speaker 2: they're actually called, but they look like a wolverine knife
Speaker 2: that he's like dragging up and down her body and
Speaker 2: she's in a state of ecstasy. And I was so
Speaker 2: intrigued by the fire. My boyfriend was like, could never
Speaker 2: that's crazy, But I'm the pleasure and sensation of the
Speaker 2: heat h so sexy. At the end of it, you know,
Speaker 2: everyone's applauding because what a fabulous performance. But what I
Speaker 2: love is that the guy says, do you want to
Speaker 2: ask her any questions? Do you want to make sure
Speaker 2: that she's okay, which I loved, and you asked her
Speaker 2: and she enthusiastically what yes, And it was just fabulous.
Speaker 2: And then like the evening be commences and there are
Speaker 2: different like rooms that have different like programs going on, uh,
Speaker 2: and then there is like the kind of open floor
Speaker 2: of whatever you want to do. So the evening commences
Speaker 2: and people are doing, you know, going into their different programs,
Speaker 2: and me and Bun are just kind of mosey and
Speaker 2: because we're just unsure of how to find our footing
Speaker 2: in this predominantly straight space. I also had an experience
Speaker 2: during one of the like uh interactive uh when they're
Speaker 2: you know, getting to know you situations where I was
Speaker 2: paired with a gentleman and I didn't know that he
Speaker 2: was queer or straight or whatever, but you're supposed to
Speaker 2: like do this like contact improv and I noticed that
Speaker 2: he was just like so stiff, wouldn't look me in
Speaker 2: the eye. And I was like, I like like reiterate, Hey,
Speaker 2: are you okay with the touching or ukay through whatever?
Speaker 2: He's like yeah, And like there was just like kind
Speaker 2: of like this wall.
Speaker 3: Uh.
Speaker 2: And then like the facilitator said okay, two. Now the
Speaker 2: couple of two can become a couple of four, and
Speaker 2: so we became four with these two ladies, and suddenly
Speaker 2: there he was right, and I was like, Oh, you're straight,
Speaker 2: and you're uncomfortable with this male to male interaction, which
Speaker 2: then kind of bummed me out because then I was like, Oh,
Speaker 2: are all the males in here uncomfortable with male to
Speaker 2: male interaction. I'm interacted with females. I have no intention
Speaker 2: of eating or touching Adye pussy tonight, but I'm still
Speaker 2: able to show up. I feel comfortable showing up for
Speaker 2: my female partners, but I wasn't sure if the male
Speaker 2: partners would be comfortable showing up for other male partners,
Speaker 2: and so it just kind of dampened the evening a
Speaker 2: little bit, but it was still a fabulous time. There
Speaker 2: was a moment where Bunn and I were like lying
Speaker 2: on a couch in the middle of the living room,
Speaker 2: which is also a dance floor, and then suddenly next
Speaker 2: to us people are getting flogged, and then suddenly like
Speaker 2: one person's being flogged, and then two people, and then
Speaker 2: three people are being flogged, and then somebody's eating pussy. Right,
Speaker 2: says were like should we get up. Anyways, it was
Speaker 2: a fabulous time, a lot of great things. I wouldn't
Speaker 2: go back to this particular party because I do think
Speaker 2: that there is a way in which you have to
Speaker 2: curate an event that has mixed sexual orientations so that
Speaker 2: everyone feels safe and comfy. But what I couldn't stop
Speaker 2: thinking was a party like this with all queer folks,
Speaker 2: and I mean across any kind of gender expression, but
Speaker 2: all queer folks at this kind of sober although that
Speaker 2: might allow a little cannabis sexual exploration party, would be
Speaker 2: transformative because what I really loved about this space was
Speaker 2: that I really felt like the women were in charge.
Speaker 2: I really felt like the women were in full charge
Speaker 2: of how this space worked, and so it created a
Speaker 2: very safe, loving, warm energy. Even though I wasn't able
Speaker 2: to participate, I still felt this container was safe, and
Speaker 2: so if that space can be safe for sis queer
Speaker 2: straight women, then I would imagine being able to create
Speaker 2: that space for just queer folks in general would also
Speaker 2: be transformative. So all that to say, I'm gonna I'm
Speaker 2: gonna plan my own little queer sex party and will
Speaker 2: you be invited? Yeah, by the way, welcome to the show.
Speaker 2: This is telling me something. You messy. I am your host,
Speaker 2: Brandon Kyle Goodmante. Some people call me messy mother, and
Speaker 2: you could call me the hostess with the mostess and
Speaker 2: you know how that's spelled h G A u X hostess. Okay, period,
Speaker 2: you know what that means. It's time for I guess
Speaker 2: now while they get situated, I actually want to catch
Speaker 2: up with y'all on the Messy Challenge. So if you
Speaker 2: listened last week, I propose that we do this Messy
Speaker 2: Challenge one week of not talking about bodies, others or
Speaker 2: our own. So I'm just gonna give a little update
Speaker 2: about how it went for me terribly and I mean
Speaker 2: like it wasn't terrible, it was. It was, uh it
Speaker 2: was as I expected, which it was hard not because
Speaker 2: you know, it's not about critical about other people's bodies.
Speaker 2: That is easy. I you know, I think everybody's body
Speaker 2: is gorgeous. It was just not talking about bodies, period.
Speaker 2: So because it was whether it's positive or negative, not mentioning.
Speaker 2: And it's really I found it easy to not to
Speaker 2: not like prompt a conversation about somebody's body. That was
Speaker 2: really simple to me. But when I was when somebody
Speaker 2: was talking to me about bodies and then figuring out
Speaker 2: how to navigate that. It was hardest at the gym
Speaker 2: because obviously that makes sense where people are there working out,
Speaker 2: and it is a space that centers around your body,
Speaker 2: and so the first thing just kind of by default
Speaker 2: that people are saying is you look good. Oh my god,
Speaker 2: your arms and wow, look at that button. You know,
Speaker 2: we're just like talking a people's bodies, And so I
Speaker 2: found it sometimes hard. One person, I think, said to me,
Speaker 2: you look you look good or whatever, and I was
Speaker 2: about to be like Youla and I said, you are gorgeous,
Speaker 2: like did that thing where I just like reframed it.
Speaker 2: But I did find it difficult. But also I guess
Speaker 2: after a couple days it became a little easier because
Speaker 2: I started to because I started to be able to
Speaker 2: identify when body comes up, when those conversations come up.
Speaker 2: Because I don't know if you noticed this for yourself,
Speaker 2: but for me, it was like, oh, it comes up
Speaker 2: either with the same people or in the same locations
Speaker 2: and environments. And so if I know that, if I
Speaker 2: had that information, then I can show up differently in
Speaker 2: this space with kind of preparation for how I want
Speaker 2: to engage in that conversation. And by the way, the
Speaker 2: goal is to not never talk about bodies. Obviously, you know,
Speaker 2: we have these things and we're going to talk about them.
Speaker 2: But I think it's raising your awareness about how much
Speaker 2: you're talking about it and in what ways you're talking
Speaker 2: about it. I did have a couple moments in the
Speaker 2: mirror with myself where I was like looking at myself
Speaker 2: and then you know, becoming hypercritical and then interrupting it
Speaker 2: with like, girl, you're fine, you are beautiful, you are wonderful,
Speaker 2: you are sweet and kind you you know, you woke
Speaker 2: up today, you're breathing, bitch, like be thankful for all
Speaker 2: these other things. Uh, and also then being curious about like, well,
Speaker 2: why are you hyper focusing on you know, that pimple
Speaker 2: or that thing or whatever it is, and then once
Speaker 2: being able to trace that back to you, Oh well,
Speaker 2: I just you know, watched the show when I saw
Speaker 2: this personal and I really want to kind of look
Speaker 2: like them, or you know, I saw somebody else talking
Speaker 2: about their pimples and it got me thinking about my
Speaker 2: pimples again. It's just like, Okay, then you can check
Speaker 2: that off. That's not that's not yours to own, that's
Speaker 2: not yours to dive into. So I'm gonna keep I'm
Speaker 2: gonna go for another week, uh, with this intentional not
Speaker 2: talking about my body or other bodies. Uh. And I
Speaker 2: would love for you to join me. If you want to,
Speaker 2: and I still want to hear from you, you can email me,
Speaker 2: tell me something messy at gmail dot com or dm
Speaker 2: me and let me know how it's going, what you're learning,
Speaker 2: or what you're you know, what you're coming up against
Speaker 2: or what's frustrating. But I'm really, I'm really appreciative of
Speaker 2: the opportunity to examine this part of my I was
Speaker 2: gonna say personality, but is it my existence or my
Speaker 2: y'all know? I love to figure out what words I
Speaker 2: want to use this part of my operating system. Yes,
Speaker 2: that feels better. I'm really excited to examine this part
Speaker 2: of my operating system and what parts of this are
Speaker 2: so defaulted and so indoctrinated and so just kind of
Speaker 2: a knee jerk reaction as opposed to really my own thoughts,
Speaker 2: really my own feelings, really my own wants or desires.
Speaker 2: Being able to parse through that I find to be
Speaker 2: quite empowering and liberating. So okay, I think our guests
Speaker 2: is situated. Shall we do our whole manifest sell? Repeat
Speaker 2: after me? Allowed or in your hand. Grant me the
Speaker 2: serenity to unpack my shame, the courage to heal, the
Speaker 2: wisdom to know that sex is not just about penetration,
Speaker 2: the audacity to advocate for my pleasure and boundaries. The
Speaker 2: strength to not call my ex that fuck boy, fuck girl,
Speaker 2: or fuck bay, for it is better to masturbate by
Speaker 2: myself in peace than to let someone play in my
Speaker 2: motherfucker face that the community say wolujah. I am so
Speaker 2: excited to have Ian Paget on the show. Ian Paget
Speaker 2: is an actor, content creator, and social media personality with
Speaker 2: a knack for blending humor, vulnerability, and storytelling. As the
Speaker 2: co host of the hit podcast Tres Lechez, who brings
Speaker 2: his audience laughs, real talk, and the occasional spicy take.
Speaker 2: Ian made his Broadway debut fresh out of college in
Speaker 2: Mamma Mia and went on to start in three Broadway shows,
Speaker 2: appearing in TV hits like Saturday Night Live and Lip
Speaker 2: Sync Battle as a dancer, and even showed off his
Speaker 2: moves in the film rock of ages. Ian's authenticity and
Speaker 2: humor have earned him a loyal fan base and a
Speaker 2: Glad Queer Advocate nomination for his work amplifying LGBTQ plus voices.
Speaker 2: Y'all please help me. Welcome Yan Hi, Hi, welcome to
Speaker 2: the show.
Speaker 4: Thank you so much. I'm so excited to be I'm.
Speaker 2: So happy you're here. Okay, before we dive into the
Speaker 2: key key, because you know you and I can key key,
Speaker 2: let me give you some messy mandates. Okay, cool, So
Speaker 2: things get to be unprocessed. Any thoughts or opinion shared
Speaker 2: have the right to evolve, shift, or change today, tomorrow
Speaker 2: or ten years from now. And if during the key key,
Speaker 2: something feels too personal or unintentionally offends, we used to
Speaker 2: say word foosball, which gives us a chance to pause
Speaker 2: and address for pivot accordingly. Okay, sound good?
Speaker 4: I love that, gorgeous?
Speaker 2: Shall we foosball? Yeah? Because why we ever say football
Speaker 2: in this context?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, you know, so if you say it, I'm like, okay, cool,
Speaker 2: we gotta stop, we gotta deal. Okay, shall we start
Speaker 2: with a lube breaker?
Speaker 4: I love that? Yeah?
Speaker 2: Absolutely, Okay, We're gonna play a game of smash or pass.
Speaker 2: All right, so smash or pass.
Speaker 1: Car sex smash smash Yeah really not while it's moving.
Speaker 2: No, no, no, no, I mean I guess there's some people
Speaker 2: have that, but that's if you're in the backseat and
Speaker 2: somebody's friendly driving. I don't know, but RoadHead dangerous.
Speaker 1: I'm very I'm very h buttoned up about certain things,
Speaker 1: and and the button up is just like I just
Speaker 1: don't like people seeing something, got it? And then yeah,
Speaker 1: that's why I'm like, it would have to be like
Speaker 1: I'd have to be the only one in the car,
Speaker 1: said person, and it would have to be stationary. Or
Speaker 1: if we're talking a moving train car, that's different, very different,
Speaker 1: very different.
Speaker 2: Wow, like a Harry Potter train car. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 2: midnight exprass h yeah yeah all that I car. The
Speaker 2: car is just too small. I'm like at the body, like.
Speaker 4: Where you need like an X five or something.
Speaker 2: Do you need something to which could be hot?
Speaker 1: But I don't By that point, you're like, let's just
Speaker 1: be in Yeah, but there is something nice to kind
Speaker 1: of the setting.
Speaker 4: Is it like am I being dropped off at home?
Speaker 1: Hey? Like we're leaving a hang and like I don't
Speaker 1: know something happens. Yes, just at the the uncomfortable like
Speaker 1: effort you have to put in is actually what kind
Speaker 1: of makes it like hot, kind of hot. Yeah, it's
Speaker 1: not so comfy and like okay, parked the car and like,
Speaker 1: but it's only hot because it's in this moment.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, Like I feel like it'd be hot depending
Speaker 2: on the scenario. Like I I know that we can
Speaker 2: just go to the apartment or the house, saying apartment,
Speaker 2: fucking New Yorker at the apartment. But if you're like
Speaker 2: we just met and we'll never see each other again
Speaker 2: and we're in this car and that's kind of it,
Speaker 2: then I.
Speaker 4: Feel like, let's have the scene stay here.
Speaker 2: Yeah, then that's that's hot to me. Okay, when it's
Speaker 2: a smash pass, I call it a smass, So it's
Speaker 2: a smass for me. Okay, I like that hip red
Speaker 2: this next one. I know your answer because of what
Speaker 2: you just said, but let me ask you anyways, smash
Speaker 2: for pass orgies, Yes, yeah, yeah, you want to be
Speaker 2: a watch.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And like I'm just very selective about like how
Speaker 1: I spend my energy with friends in my day to day,
Speaker 1: like in a sexual place, Like I want to feel
Speaker 1: explorational and free. Yeah, but I yeah, it would know
Speaker 1: that's not it would have to be like people I know,
Speaker 1: or like I don't know's there's.
Speaker 2: A scenario in which it might work.
Speaker 1: Out right, and I probably can't fathom it yet, which
Speaker 1: is if you're asking me the ones I'm fathoming I
Speaker 1: don't want.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yes, but your heart is open.
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, I'm not judging about them. I think yeah
Speaker 1: so hot. Yes, I hope everyone else is smashing, but
Speaker 1: I passed you pass.
Speaker 2: I love that I am. I'm a smash on orgies.
Speaker 2: But I'm with you in very particular about the setup,
Speaker 2: the scenario. Who's there all that stuff? Because there's because
Speaker 2: you're absorbing a lot of energy, Yeah, no matter what,
Speaker 2: like where humans were exchanging energy and that's a lot
Speaker 2: of energy, and like I don't want everybody's energy. Man. Yeah,
Speaker 2: so I'm with you. Okay. Last one and special past
Speaker 2: spanking in what sexual sense?
Speaker 4: Oh okay, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1: Huh you know the couple times Oh sorry, let me
Speaker 1: anthel pass just and I'm going off of like one
Speaker 1: time it happened and.
Speaker 2: It like it hurt you.
Speaker 1: I was spank and I was just like that hurt
Speaker 1: and it took me out of it. I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: Like I was like, I don't care. That is not
Speaker 1: and I have a good tolerance for pain, dancer and
Speaker 1: just I don't know, I'm asa chist like but that
Speaker 1: I'm a little bit more like tender.
Speaker 2: Yeah, was it a hard spank?
Speaker 1: It was hard, which was the I guess like that's
Speaker 1: what he was giving. So I was like, okay, so accurate.
Speaker 2: But it was it julted.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it was just like it just hurt and it lingered.
Speaker 4: That's like you hear it and you're like, you're like,
Speaker 4: but it's this there there, you know.
Speaker 1: And then I'm a little like then I'm all of
Speaker 1: a sudden starting to like second guess you.
Speaker 4: As all of us.
Speaker 1: It's just oh yes, hell now And while I'm not judging,
Speaker 1: I'm just kind of like, now my brain is somewhere else.
Speaker 2: Well, now you're worried about like, are you gonna have
Speaker 2: another moment that's going to take you out? Yeah, and
Speaker 2: so now you're like out of it. That makes sense. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I am a I'm a smass because I think it depends,
Speaker 2: like I love to spank and be spank. I don't
Speaker 2: want a series of spank. Yeah, but like when it's correct,
Speaker 2: it's beautiful.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 2: When it's wrong, it is wrong, like it's like bad. Yeah,
Speaker 2: so that's why it's a smass.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, I think. I think if there was a
Speaker 1: smack and then.
Speaker 4: Like you you you you.
Speaker 1: Stayed there, if you did like a pat that I
Speaker 1: mean to hurt my Yes, so imagine that's me in control.
Speaker 2: It's the it's the whole, that's it. That's actually I
Speaker 2: gotta try that if you like spank and a hold.
Speaker 1: Because if you spank and you let it grow, it's
Speaker 1: like your it feels like I'm.
Speaker 4: Which I get some people are like that. Yeah, sure,
Speaker 4: I get it. I like that, but I I do
Speaker 4: not like that spanking. Yeah you know what if like.
Speaker 2: So sorry, was it a hand or was it a paddle?
Speaker 4: Was that a hand?
Speaker 2: Hand? Okay, I've had a paddle, but that also tends
Speaker 2: to leave the the reverberation.
Speaker 4: You also know you knew, I'm assuming he was the
Speaker 4: paddle was yes, yes.
Speaker 2: Yes, it was like a paddle. It was like a
Speaker 2: blind it was the whole situation. Yeah yeah, yeah, which, yeah,
Speaker 2: I think like I was blindfolded and all fours and
Speaker 2: it was a paddle, which there are moments that I
Speaker 2: enjoyed it, in moments where I was like.
Speaker 4: That's yeah, yeah, so net good net good?
Speaker 2: Right? Yeah yeah yeah. By the way, you won the game,
Speaker 2: Oh great? Yes, there's no money. You just want unconditional love.
Speaker 4: I love it.
Speaker 2: What I like?
Speaker 4: What do you like winning?
Speaker 2: Yes, well you won. I like to give you the wins. Okay.
Speaker 2: If you have any prompts for you know, well, alu breaker,
Speaker 2: you can email tell me something messy at gmail dot com.
Speaker 2: Speaking of which, can you tell me something messy?
Speaker 4: Ooh yeah, I was thinking about this.
Speaker 1: It's just like a fun story of mine that, like
Speaker 1: I always forget, is just shows a little bit of
Speaker 1: my like yeah, because again I'm like, I think people
Speaker 1: think I'm already put together, but here's a story of me.
Speaker 4: Not being very put together.
Speaker 2: Bring it.
Speaker 1: I was in Mama Me on Broadway and it was
Speaker 1: my Broadway debut, one of the best experiences of my life.
Speaker 1: I was lucky enough to be there for two years.
Speaker 1: And we had a five show weekend, which means like
Speaker 1: five show weekend, five show weekend, which means you have
Speaker 1: a show on Friday night, you have two shows on Saturday,
Speaker 1: and two shows on Sunday. Sometimes the schedule can be
Speaker 1: different where you just have one on Friday to Saturday
Speaker 1: one Sunday.
Speaker 2: Is that an addition to the rest of the week.
Speaker 1: No, No, it's just the the schedule can be. You
Speaker 1: might not be doing two on Wednesday. If you just
Speaker 1: do that one on Wednesday, then you're doing two on Sunday.
Speaker 1: They just move one over. And so the reason why
Speaker 1: this is important is because I went out on a
Speaker 1: Saturday night and I forget what the party was, but
Speaker 1: I spent the night with someone and I woke up
Speaker 1: the next day and I looked at my clock and
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, like I thought I was still dreaming,
Speaker 1: and it was like one, fourteen one, fourteen, one, twelve,
Speaker 1: like I remember those numbers. And I was just like
Speaker 1: I was cold, and I didn't like his apartment because
Speaker 1: I was like it's it wasn't very comfy. But I
Speaker 1: just remembered the feeling of like uncomfortable going back to
Speaker 1: bed like that can't like I'm dreaming still.
Speaker 4: And then I was like, no, that was you waking
Speaker 4: up Ian And then I.
Speaker 1: Was like, oh, it's oh my god. I was like, wait,
Speaker 1: I have two shows. I have have to be at
Speaker 1: half hour in fifteen minutes, and I got fourteenth between
Speaker 1: eighth and ninth.
Speaker 4: Oh my god, freaking out has never happened to me.
Speaker 1: I mean, it was just one of those moments where
Speaker 1: you were like, I'm gonna get in trouble, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: lose my job or like people, all these things, and
Speaker 1: so I got up, but I still couldn't believe it.
Speaker 1: I was still like there's no way, but it was
Speaker 1: very way and very happening, and I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: you have to do is just get in a cab, Like, oh,
Speaker 1: you'll get there in ten twelve minutes. Yeah, I get
Speaker 1: in a cab. But from on fourteenth growing up eighth Ave,
Speaker 1: which was crazy, that's insane.
Speaker 4: It was. It was like, well to wall traffic.
Speaker 1: I call my stage manager and I'm like, hey, Sherry,
Speaker 1: Sherry Cohen, who was like my mom.
Speaker 4: I was like, I'm.
Speaker 1: Gonna be late, but i'll be there. I'll be there,
Speaker 1: but just want to let you know. She's like, okay,
Speaker 1: like cool, thank you for letting us know possible. But
Speaker 1: then we're sitting in traffic even more and then I'm
Speaker 1: like I call her back.
Speaker 4: I'm like Sherry, I'm in a cab. She goes, why
Speaker 4: are you in a cab?
Speaker 1: Because she knows where I live because I used to
Speaker 1: live in Midtown and that's what I just had apart
Speaker 1: memory during the show.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so she was like, why aren't you cab?
Speaker 4: Oh?
Speaker 1: Because I the initial lie was I'm on fifteenth, I'll
Speaker 1: be right there. I just thought I was going to
Speaker 1: move fast, so I said from where I live, which
Speaker 1: was fifty first and tenth. I was like, I'm just walking,
Speaker 1: but like, i'll be right there, like I'm in a cab.
Speaker 1: She's like, wait, why did you get in a cab?
Speaker 1: You're only two avenues away. I'm like, and I start crying.
Speaker 4: I'm like it's because I'm not two anues away. I'm
Speaker 4: on fourteen, Like I don't know if i'm and she's like, okay,
Speaker 4: we're putting Tony on. And I was.
Speaker 1: Freaking out and I thought there's just no way, like
Speaker 1: I just didn't know what would happen, didn't know what
Speaker 1: would happen.
Speaker 4: And then I was like, what do I do?
Speaker 1: Like and she was like, just don't worry about Tony
Speaker 1: will be on with you at the next show. And
Speaker 1: then I was like, well that's that feels like punishment,
Speaker 1: like don't even come to the building or something like
Speaker 1: because but they don't need me.
Speaker 2: We'll see you the next show.
Speaker 1: Correct, So go enjoy your time off. But in that
Speaker 1: time off, you're like what is and you're just like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, like what is?
Speaker 4: What is? What are my cast?
Speaker 1: And of course I'm texting some of them, and I'm
Speaker 1: like telling a few like this is what's going on?
Speaker 2: Did you tell them you were spent the night with?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I was just like I just didn't think
Speaker 1: about it, like I don't know my brain. And so
Speaker 1: I get to work and I'm humiliated, like I'm just
Speaker 1: so embarrassed because it's like just it's.
Speaker 4: Just one of those funny thing.
Speaker 1: And then I'm like, what is what is Andy Fencon,
Speaker 1: my stage manager, going to say to me like I'm
Speaker 1: going to have be talked to. And I get up
Speaker 1: there and Sherry just kind of looks at me and
Speaker 1: she's like hello, and I'm like him like in the
Speaker 1: roly chair, and Andy just he's got he's got like
Speaker 1: this pointy face, dry brit Yeah, he's like six three,
Speaker 1: fatherly but also very very stern, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: and just so hard to read. Sits there and he
Speaker 1: really takes his time and he just looks at me
Speaker 1: and he goes, so what happened? And I was like
Speaker 1: this and that and I'm really sorry. I just I
Speaker 1: thought I could make it or whatever. And he's just like,
Speaker 1: don't ever let that happen again, and he kind of
Speaker 1: like smiles, like smirk laughs, and then I was like, okay.
Speaker 4: Like, oh my god, it was hard. I was scary, scary.
Speaker 1: It was a smile makes it scarier to me it
Speaker 1: and it was just like okay. So I just kind
Speaker 1: of walked away and that was it. And then my
Speaker 1: entire dressing room was filled with the girls and the
Speaker 1: boys and they all after me.
Speaker 4: When I walked in.
Speaker 1: It was like it was a funny moment. Yeah, crazy
Speaker 1: in trouble.
Speaker 4: Yeah, but I learned. I learned a valuable lesson.
Speaker 2: Was it worth it? Like? Was the the was.
Speaker 1: Because it was an accident. It wasn't like it wasn't
Speaker 1: like the night before. I was like I have to
Speaker 1: go home with this person. It's the only time.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I mean maybe that was that play in some way,
Speaker 1: sort of like me with boys in general at the time,
Speaker 1: but no, it wasn't conscious. It was just like an accident.
Speaker 1: I didn't expect to wake up that late. I guess
Speaker 1: we went to bed super late.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 1: It was just like a messy moment for me. I
Speaker 1: feel like when you're like, how old were you twenty
Speaker 1: two twenties?
Speaker 2: Yes, it's like in your twenties. I feel like you're
Speaker 2: still like learning your barometer. Yeah, for how you can
Speaker 2: like party and I just have social life, you know, yes, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 2: you're still like learning and your human things. I so
Speaker 2: on one thing, missing a show is like fever dream,
Speaker 2: like just like wake up in hives, being like, but
Speaker 2: one of my best friends was doing a show I
Speaker 2: think in Brooklyn and he was the lead and he
Speaker 2: completely slept through it. They had to cancel the show
Speaker 2: because the show revolves around him, and he like completely
Speaker 2: missed it. And we were like, but I had such empathy,
Speaker 2: but also like my worst nightmare. Yeah, my like literal
Speaker 2: because what are you There's nothing to do, there's nothing
Speaker 2: to do, there's nothing to say, there's like nothing. You're
Speaker 2: just like I missed it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I missed it. I mean at least his is
Speaker 1: just like wow, I just slept through the alarm.
Speaker 4: Sure, but like he I'm that's what happened with me?
Speaker 2: Yeah? Fuck, I know, thank you for sharing. Thanks, Oh
Speaker 2: my god, that's the messiest. Fuck.
Speaker 4: It's funny.
Speaker 2: Time for some messy mail. Okay you want it's the best? Okay.
Speaker 2: This one says, what is the appropriate response to I
Speaker 2: already have a load in me? Do you mind?
Speaker 4: I would like, do you mind? Me mean like not anymore?
Speaker 2: Or I guess like I guess it's like I already
Speaker 2: have a load in me? Do you mind? What would
Speaker 2: you say to them?
Speaker 4: Or so I just hear like a brit saying it
Speaker 4: I already have.
Speaker 2: It's actually quite polite, it is, do you mind? Because
Speaker 2: I would just say I already have a load of me?
Speaker 2: Go off as opposed to be like, but I love
Speaker 2: it checking in.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah, well it's do you mind? Like I
Speaker 1: didn't give you permission to do that? So it did
Speaker 1: it already happen?
Speaker 4: Is my thought?
Speaker 2: Got it? Got it?
Speaker 4: Or yeah I need more? I need more coconuts.
Speaker 2: It's like I think, I think, Like I said, my
Speaker 2: response would be I love when an oven is preheated,
Speaker 2: and so I would proceed. But I know that some
Speaker 2: people are not.
Speaker 4: Into they want to they want to be like.
Speaker 2: They want they want to have that be that they
Speaker 2: wants to be there load. They don't want to another
Speaker 2: person's load in there. But I don't know, Like I
Speaker 2: go to sex parties and like you fuck somebody and
Speaker 2: like they've got a load in them, And sometimes there's
Speaker 2: the you know, people have a sharpie and you'll see
Speaker 2: on their ass, like the tallies of how many loads
Speaker 2: they've already taken, and like you add your load to it.
Speaker 4: Wow.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I always going to be like educated, We're.
Speaker 2: An educational podcast. I love that base. I do know
Speaker 2: that one of my best friends were talking and we're
Speaker 2: having a debate about this, which is that like I
Speaker 2: don't if you have a load in you and I'm
Speaker 2: fucking you, I don't mind like putting my load and
Speaker 2: adding it to them to make matter to the mix.
Speaker 2: Think you. But my best friend was saying he also
Speaker 2: doesn't mind unless the load belongs to a friend. So
Speaker 2: like if I came in this bottom's hole, my best
Speaker 2: friend would not want to fuck that person because he
Speaker 2: doesn't want my load on his dick, but wouldn't mind
Speaker 2: if it was somebody else.
Speaker 4: I get that.
Speaker 2: You get that, Tell me what you get? That to me.
Speaker 4: I mean, it's the.
Speaker 1: It's the I'm I do better when no one knows
Speaker 1: me saying like yeah, like this is crazy, like as
Speaker 1: an actor, like I do better in auditions if no
Speaker 1: one knows me behind the table because I can take
Speaker 1: more risk.
Speaker 4: People know me.
Speaker 1: You're like, oh, well you have an idea of me already.
Speaker 1: So there's this like oh I'm scared to like really
Speaker 1: go for it. Yeah, when you're like, oh, you've been there,
Speaker 1: it's it's maybe that same idea of like it's too it's.
Speaker 4: Too close, it's too close, it's too close.
Speaker 1: And you're like, my friend, I don't know, I get that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so I don't know if you're both in that situation
Speaker 1: like that's where you draw the line. That's where we're you.
Speaker 2: Know what I mean?
Speaker 4: Like that was my response, Well you know where you are.
Speaker 2: I was like, that's the line, Like we're we're already here,
Speaker 2: like you know it's fine.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Also like in my mind, listen, it's intimacy, like we're bonding,
Speaker 2: we both suck the same persons are in there, like
Speaker 2: go for it. But I get it. I get people
Speaker 2: have their their their things, there their lines. Everyone has
Speaker 2: their line Okay, this one says, just got a flogger
Speaker 2: from Blessa. Shout out to Blessa, and I'm in love.
Speaker 2: It's my little pick me up throughout the day. Well,
Speaker 2: we talked about this. We don't like spanking, but a
Speaker 2: flogger is like a but you flog with like a paddle. Okay,
Speaker 2: I google her flogger. Let's see what they look like.
Speaker 2: Uh huh oh yes, oky cool. Yeah yeah yeah, like
Speaker 2: they're like they look like little pom poms, yes, cheerleader
Speaker 2: pom poms, but not actually like those.
Speaker 1: You do like those like well, just like they look
Speaker 1: so they look like hair, I like, I like.
Speaker 2: They do look like little tassel big. Yeah. So I
Speaker 2: was at a flapper. Yes, I was at a sex party.
Speaker 2: It was a straight sex part, Okay, it was a
Speaker 2: lot of straight people were more heterosexual presenting. But I
Speaker 2: was there with my boyfriend and we were like laying
Speaker 2: on the floor on the cushions or whatever, just like vibing,
Speaker 2: and then suddenly like somebody next to us is like
Speaker 2: getting flogged, and then like just flogging is happening all
Speaker 2: around us, and it looked so interesting if.
Speaker 1: I clothing on no, Okay, like the clothing on I did, did,
Speaker 1: I did?
Speaker 2: I was? I think I think it was shirtless and
Speaker 2: like shorts. But yeah, I mean people were in various
Speaker 2: states of undress. But then they were being tied up,
Speaker 2: which I think is so sexy. I I've never been
Speaker 2: tied up, but I would love to. And then getting
Speaker 2: flogged and just looked the sound of it. It didn't
Speaker 2: sound like the spanking we're talking about, right. It wasn't
Speaker 2: like a stinging. It was just kind of like a
Speaker 2: like a feeling, like like the car wash. Yes, it
Speaker 2: was lovely. I was soothing and some like I close
Speaker 2: my eyes. I feel like it'd be like a like
Speaker 2: a sound machine with the mixed in of the my
Speaker 2: favorite kind of sound machine. So shout out to that flogger.
Speaker 2: Have you no, I'm going to get a flogger. I'll
Speaker 2: get you a flogger, okay, And then you try it,
Speaker 2: and you know flogging is better than spanking.
Speaker 4: I'd probably use it more as like an accessory.
Speaker 2: Homosexuals out of it.
Speaker 4: Like that just swings in like like around, you're.
Speaker 2: Making it word, do you okay? This one says started
Speaker 2: sexting with an online friend and they're obsessed with my
Speaker 2: whole and I love the praise do you have do
Speaker 2: you have you experienced praise kinks? Do you love a
Speaker 2: praise kin?
Speaker 4: Wow?
Speaker 1: You know I've never heard it categorized as this as
Speaker 1: praise king, but yes, yes, because as someone who like
Speaker 1: I'm a show off, yes, and I like being really
Speaker 1: good at something and so and who doesn't like getting
Speaker 1: good feedback onlike themselves, like even even like I'm not
Speaker 1: even talking like my career, like professionally, so I totally
Speaker 1: feel like I.
Speaker 4: Would even be a little I love.
Speaker 1: I like that a lot, Yes, like, especially when it's
Speaker 1: because all of a sudden, like when you get in
Speaker 1: relationships or sometimes you're you're seeking praise, So if you're
Speaker 1: getting it, what's not nice about that?
Speaker 2: It's the best.
Speaker 1: If someone's just like I'm going to keep praising and
Speaker 1: praising you like that, especially if you want praise from
Speaker 1: this person, Yes, that's nice.
Speaker 2: I love a praise kink. I mean, I'm I love
Speaker 2: being verbal. I also love when somebody is telling me
Speaker 2: how much they're enjoying something. That just like turns me
Speaker 2: on more and I love hearing it. And I also
Speaker 2: think like you and I were dolls who really love
Speaker 2: to take care of ourselves, and like, you know, I
Speaker 2: always dressed and showered and all, so like, yes, tell
Speaker 2: me that my whole is beautiful because I really do
Speaker 2: take care of her. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Well, And it's also it's such a surprise you don't
Speaker 1: You don't hear that all the time.
Speaker 2: Don't hear that all the time?
Speaker 4: Oh my god, I love the way you put an
Speaker 4: outfit together.
Speaker 1: It's this oriphice no one gets to see all the time,
Speaker 1: and so it's like, oh, like, I'm you were brave
Speaker 1: for saying yes, Yes.
Speaker 2: I appreciate that. I know. Okay, we love a praise cake,
Speaker 2: We love a praise What do you love having praised
Speaker 2: or what would you like to have praised?
Speaker 1: I like when people tell me how much they like
Speaker 1: my dick beautiful, Like I think like the little gay
Speaker 1: boy who never thought he would be called sexy, yeah,
Speaker 1: or praised for his Like it's a moment that feels
Speaker 1: very It's just feels good. Yes, And every time I'm
Speaker 1: always a little surprised because you're just like, huh, it's like, oh.
Speaker 2: Well this doors you haven't you know?
Speaker 1: Yeah, You're like when people tell you how special you
Speaker 1: are in whatever way. Yes, you're it's uh, it's hard
Speaker 1: to sometimes let that in. Yeah, sexually, emotionally, all the
Speaker 1: things you know.
Speaker 2: I would, I would actually agree that dick I've I've
Speaker 2: recently and maybe the last six months, h allowed myself
Speaker 2: to receive that praise and like not write it off
Speaker 2: like when people say, oh I love your dick or whatever,
Speaker 2: I'm like, oh, okay, great, and how do I use
Speaker 2: that energy now? And maybe even I think now I'm
Speaker 2: working on Okay, So this sex money I went to.
Speaker 2: The theme was like light and shadow, and so they
Speaker 2: were talking about like shadow, like.
Speaker 4: What like what we love a theme?
Speaker 2: We love a theme, honey, And so it was like,
Speaker 2: what of your shadow side do you want to like
Speaker 2: transform into a way that like serves your sexual miss
Speaker 2: I love that, And so I was saying that, like
Speaker 2: I would like to use my my anger, my rage,
Speaker 2: my like that part of me that I'm very scared
Speaker 2: of I think would actually serve me in my domb energy.
Speaker 2: And I'm topping a lot, and so like I'm like,
Speaker 2: I want to explore this domb side of myself and
Speaker 2: how can like what would be used as like aggressive
Speaker 2: energy be transformed or transmuted into dom energy, and part
Speaker 2: of that has been my dick because I'm usually that
Speaker 2: dom energy comes out when I'm topping, although you can
Speaker 2: be a dom bottom for sure. And so like, now
Speaker 2: that I know that I've got enough data that's like, oh,
Speaker 2: you have a pretty dick or a beautiful dick or whatever,
Speaker 2: and like, how do I use that as part of
Speaker 2: my domb energy to like come in not being surprised
Speaker 2: by that anymore, but instead like being like, that's what
Speaker 2: I bring to the table. I bring this.
Speaker 1: Beautiful dick later, it's it's it's role play, yeah, just
Speaker 1: being like, Okay, I'm gonna make believe that I'm that
Speaker 1: person now, yes, yes, and you just start doing it literally,
Speaker 1: just start living in that the self image and imagination.
Speaker 2: Absolutely absolutely and trying those things on.
Speaker 1: And I will say, you know, it's funny, Like as
Speaker 1: an actor, it's my favorite thing to do is obviously
Speaker 1: like play people and played like and a place where
Speaker 1: we're all doing that in some way. There is some
Speaker 1: way that you're doing it is sexually. Absolutely, there's a
Speaker 1: way that you feel more comple That's why there are
Speaker 1: those people you hear about, like have these kings that
Speaker 1: are surprising to their otherwise like very basic conventional personality
Speaker 1: or just that it's.
Speaker 2: So vanilla, but black fantasies are far more.
Speaker 1: Yes, and and and so I I love this idea
Speaker 1: of like taking something that's like essentially could be dark
Speaker 1: or keeps you in a place of shame, I don't know,
Speaker 1: just a.
Speaker 2: Shame and like whatever, but then like using that to
Speaker 2: your power in a way that like still works in
Speaker 2: the framework of the reason it works, right, Like anger
Speaker 2: and rage is such a touchy thing and can be destructive,
Speaker 2: but I think that a lot of who I am
Speaker 2: traffics and kindness and love and whatever. So it's like,
Speaker 2: how do you take, I guess the light and play
Speaker 2: with that dark and transform that energy into something that's useful,
Speaker 2: which I think is such an interesting thing to just
Speaker 2: muse about and play with. And I think so astute
Speaker 2: you're saying that, like in the bedroom, we're all in
Speaker 2: some way playing make believe, whether we're actually acting out
Speaker 2: fantasies or we have projected a fantasy on the partner
Speaker 2: that we that were going after, Like there is some
Speaker 2: level of make believe we're all doing. And absolutely, yeah,
Speaker 2: I love that, this one says my fuck buddy wants
Speaker 2: to take me to the movies, but like, I just
Speaker 2: want to fuck. Uh should we talk about fuck buddies?
Speaker 2: I really wanted to just talk about fuck buddies because
Speaker 2: people constantly message me about either having crushes on their
Speaker 2: friends or finally hooking up with a friend or dealing
Speaker 2: with fuck boys, fuck girls, fu bays, and friends with benefits,
Speaker 2: which is all to me under the categories of fuck buddies. Yeah,
Speaker 2: which can be What do you think about fuck buddies?
Speaker 1: I mean, I I think they're I think they're great.
Speaker 1: Like I think, like, if you have it, that's wonderful,
Speaker 1: until maybe, like I mean, it's just not going to
Speaker 1: be the same for every single person. Yes, it's just
Speaker 1: not like we're in it and it again, the brief
Speaker 1: doesn't stay the same like what we were talking about earlier,
Speaker 1: like it will evolve. Yeah, but maybe And here's the thing.
Speaker 1: Sometimes both are on the exact same page for a
Speaker 1: really long time and it works out and then maybe
Speaker 1: it like fizzles. But more often than not, I I'm
Speaker 1: guessing that some imbalance does maybe start to happen. Whether
Speaker 1: that's someone who doesn't want to do it anymore, yeah,
Speaker 1: they have it's either they don't want to do it anymore.
Speaker 1: There's also the one who's like, I have a crush
Speaker 1: now I want.
Speaker 4: To do more with Yes, I want to go there.
Speaker 4: Now we've exercised enough.
Speaker 1: I actually just want to be friends with you and
Speaker 1: like we don't need to have sex anymore.
Speaker 4: Yeah, what I mean, like it that you just kind.
Speaker 1: Of have to know that that's possibly a possibility.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 4: Yeah, but I'm all for them.
Speaker 2: I am for them too. I feel like one the
Speaker 2: reason I like a fuck buddy or a friends of
Speaker 2: benefits is I feel like you have the emotional safety
Speaker 2: of a connection. There's an emotional connection which I think,
Speaker 2: if you know, nurture allows you to probably explore sexually
Speaker 2: in ways that you wouldn't be able to necessarily with
Speaker 2: a stranger, or you might be able to I don't know. Yeah,
Speaker 2: this is all on process. I can change my mind
Speaker 2: in a few years, but go ahead.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I was gonna say, I am thinking back to like
Speaker 1: a couple of people who I've put in that box
Speaker 1: my life, and I would absolutely agree that because there
Speaker 1: was a level of I feel comfortable here and there's
Speaker 1: this like built in trust. But we're not together, You're
Speaker 1: not a romantic I'm not seeking romantic partnership with you.
Speaker 1: Y allowed for more freedom, yes, sexually because it was
Speaker 1: like it was, oh, I get to keep you sexually special. Yes,
Speaker 1: you don't become someone that I turn into a caretaker
Speaker 1: with you don't become someone I need to be their
Speaker 1: best friends. Yeah, Like yeah, there's there's so many other
Speaker 1: things that come in with like relationship and romance and
Speaker 1: romantic love. That is a reason why sex starts to
Speaker 1: like shift and possibly dwindle in relationship. Yeah, and so
Speaker 1: the not naming of it, even not even calling yourself
Speaker 1: like it's I haven't heard the term fuck, buddy said,
Speaker 1: I don't really want.
Speaker 4: I mean that's such a very millennial thing.
Speaker 1: Yeah, right, you know, but I mean it's true it
Speaker 1: was used, and like it's why it was so helpful.
Speaker 1: It's because, oh, you just have these people that you
Speaker 1: could actually Yes, like it.
Speaker 4: Wasn't it wasn't that deep.
Speaker 3: It wasn't that we totally do but yeah, it's like
Speaker 3: you're like, oh, there's we don't have to complicate this,
Speaker 3: like we're we we have a friendship, whether that's it's
Speaker 3: not a close one, but like there's there's mutual respect
Speaker 3: for each other, and we're also really good in bed together,
Speaker 3: and so we can make our sexual experience.
Speaker 2: I don't want to say it's special, because it can
Speaker 2: be special, but uh, but exciting and and fun fun.
Speaker 4: Fun, it's adult play, yes, and so I.
Speaker 2: Think that that's why. But but I do think what
Speaker 2: this person is saying, like now he wants to go
Speaker 2: to the movies, That's where that's where it can get tricky.
Speaker 2: It's like the imbalance comes in and then you have
Speaker 2: to have the conversation about like I.
Speaker 1: Also want to ask the person who send this, like,
Speaker 1: why don't you want to go to the movies with
Speaker 1: the Well can I say this?
Speaker 2: I think that like we could still go to the
Speaker 2: movies and not be romantic.
Speaker 1: Yeah right, yeah, but I do I will say, like
Speaker 1: I get the I only see you like this, Yeah,
Speaker 1: there's just this way that like that's what I want
Speaker 1: from you. And maybe a bit of the kink of
Speaker 1: it is that I only use you this way this way, yes,
Speaker 1: And it's this unspoken maybe there's no he hasn't worded it,
Speaker 1: or they haven't worded it, or she hasn't worded it
Speaker 1: or like described that. But it could be that that
Speaker 1: like why it's as good as it is and why
Speaker 1: it's worked is.
Speaker 4: Because it stays like this.
Speaker 1: Yeah, now if we move into wanting to go to
Speaker 1: the movies, then it then it takes it away.
Speaker 2: It could be that, yes, that's fair. I wonder if
Speaker 2: there's probably a delineation or distinction between like a sexual
Speaker 2: partner and a fuck buddy, right, like the like that
Speaker 2: a sexual partner can be that personally like I just
Speaker 2: see you for sex, and like I see you in
Speaker 2: that way. But if I'm adding a buddy to it, Oh.
Speaker 1: What I thought I see. I think like that is
Speaker 1: what I gather. A fuck buddy? Is what the that
Speaker 1: you're just someone who just okay?
Speaker 2: Because I think with the word buddy, you're right, I
Speaker 2: guess that is maybe.
Speaker 4: Maybe maybe it's like you want to get some food
Speaker 4: after like maybe we.
Speaker 2: Were like we ordered food, we have a conversation.
Speaker 1: But there's also just like I just imagine, like I
Speaker 1: don't know a Sex and the City episode and it's
Speaker 1: like I don't know which one probably had it, but
Speaker 1: and probably Charlotte's being like a what buddy?
Speaker 4: You know what I mean? She's probably asking like that
Speaker 4: you're like a guy, you just used for sex.
Speaker 2: You're right, You're right, fuck buddy is just.
Speaker 4: Like it was a really great impression.
Speaker 2: Because my friend can do an incredible semana impression but
Speaker 2: can only do it with one line and it's m
Speaker 2: a penis and that's the only he does it spot on,
Speaker 2: but can only say that perfectly. You're right. Fuck buddies
Speaker 2: are the definition of fuck buddy, I think is just
Speaker 2: the person that you fuck, as opposed to friends with benefits,
Speaker 2: which I think I was uh conflating with each other. Oh,
Speaker 2: friends with benefits and fuck buddy probably are not the same.
Speaker 4: Thing, interesting, right are they not?
Speaker 2: I would say they're not. Wow, I would say they're not.
Speaker 2: I would say, like a friends with benefits is like
Speaker 2: we genuinely have a friendship, okay, and sometimes we fuck.
Speaker 4: I see, yes, And a fuck.
Speaker 2: Buddy would be like, that's just the buddy that I fuck.
Speaker 1: Yeah, y, yes, that's correct.
Speaker 2: So I think that, like, if the fuck buddy wants
Speaker 2: to go to the movies, then I see why you'd
Speaker 2: be like, yeah, I.
Speaker 4: Have a question for you.
Speaker 1: Tell me do you have either of those and which
Speaker 1: one would you want more of? But I mean, I
Speaker 1: guess you're in a relationship.
Speaker 2: So I two relationships, but I do I do. I
Speaker 2: have fuck buddies and I have friends with benefits. I
Speaker 2: will say the fuck buddy is easier because I have
Speaker 2: two relationships that are like emotionally attached. Fuck buddies are
Speaker 2: easier because they can just be that. Whereas a friends
Speaker 2: of benefits, I feel like I have to do more
Speaker 2: caretaking because you know you do. It's like the benefits
Speaker 2: and the friends. There's a lot of you know, taking
Speaker 2: care of each other's hearts in that, and that feels
Speaker 2: like a little more work that I don't currently have
Speaker 2: the capacity to do because of the two partners. But
Speaker 2: in another version of my life could absolutely I would
Speaker 2: absolutely prefer friends with benefits gott it. Okay, how about you?
Speaker 1: I don't have either, And I know, like as like
Speaker 1: sexually is like I want someone to meet me at
Speaker 1: and would like that. Probably Johnny Sie believes this and
Speaker 1: be like, what you don't have like five people on
Speaker 1: the roster?
Speaker 4: Yeah, but like I don't.
Speaker 2: What do you look for in a fuck buddy or
Speaker 2: friends with benefits?
Speaker 1: Someone who uh when I see I'm just like I
Speaker 1: find something new and attractive about them every time. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And it's there's something special but that I don't need
Speaker 1: to own them at the mind. Yes, And so as
Speaker 1: long as that that is at play, it allows for
Speaker 1: the not seeing to be like, oh, yeah, they're not
Speaker 1: on my mind or whatever, right, and when we see
Speaker 1: each other, it's just like, oh, I love when we
Speaker 1: come together. Yeah, that's that's kind of like that's what
Speaker 1: I like about moments when that have when that's happened,
Speaker 1: and there's this level of like interest in the I
Speaker 1: don't know, like there's something nice about when you meet
Speaker 1: someone who is just is just like they meet you
Speaker 1: at your horny, meet you at your at your want,
Speaker 1: and you don't have to do the like an email form,
Speaker 1: Hey hope you're well, how's it like it?
Speaker 4: Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 2: Like when you get that text from me, you know
Speaker 2: what I'm here for?
Speaker 1: Yeah, Like I'm that friend who and I think some
Speaker 1: friends like like they they they correct me, like hello,
Speaker 1: they start with that, I just if I haven't talked
Speaker 1: to you in a while, but all of a sudden
Speaker 1: I need information from you in a certain way.
Speaker 4: I just asked you the question. Sure, And it might
Speaker 4: have been a month or two since like.
Speaker 1: But like the Hey, no, it's been for I think
Speaker 1: we both know, just know that, like I'm thinking of
Speaker 1: you now and like how nice that I'm texting you
Speaker 1: and like you're the one I'm coming to for the information.
Speaker 1: And so I like when friends just like give me
Speaker 1: the answer and they don't need anything more for me,
Speaker 1: and it's just like that was our moment. Yes, And
Speaker 1: so when people meet me there sexually, that's kind of nice,
Speaker 1: you know. So like finding someone who vibes with you
Speaker 1: in the spontane and spontaneity of it all sometimes doesn't
Speaker 1: have to be super planned. It can just be like, hey,
Speaker 1: like I'm feeling this, can you meet me here? Like
Speaker 1: it's kind of energetically right now?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Or no, But I really want to like someone who
Speaker 1: reassures me even if they.
Speaker 4: Can't give it to me in that moment.
Speaker 2: Nice.
Speaker 4: I like that.
Speaker 1: I like feeling like taken care of whilst we're possibly
Speaker 1: scheduling a hookup.
Speaker 4: Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 2: Yes, that there's kindness and compassion that still comes through.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I like whether it's a fuck buddy or friends
Speaker 2: of benefits. I like the mutual respect. I like the like,
Speaker 2: you know, because sometimes you can mess with somebody and
Speaker 2: they don't respond, and I don't like that energy. I
Speaker 2: like that no matter what, even if this is just sex,
Speaker 2: that we take care of each other's heart. Yes, And
Speaker 2: that to me is what makes a good fuck buddy
Speaker 2: or friends of benefits. Well, obviously if you're friends with benefits,
Speaker 2: there's that emotional connection. But a great fuck buddy is
Speaker 2: to me, is somebody who communicates and who goes, oh,
Speaker 2: I'm around right now, or I won't be around, or
Speaker 2: I'm not into this anymore, or but they communicate.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I'll add even more, someone who's like very
Speaker 1: communicative and shares their whole self with me, Yes the moment, Yes, like, yeah,
Speaker 1: we're coming together because we're extremely tacked to each other
Speaker 1: and it's like a hookup.
Speaker 4: But that they let me in.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Because I'm someone who like, I'm in my head
Speaker 1: and I feel comfortable around people who I feel like
Speaker 1: I can share with And so if they do that,
Speaker 1: then I meet them there and then we just like,
Speaker 1: then I feel comfy with them.
Speaker 2: That's happened to me. That's come with age, because there
Speaker 2: were My bar for fuck buddies was much lower in
Speaker 2: my twenties, but as i've gotten older and engaged with
Speaker 2: like what sex means to me and the kind of
Speaker 2: sex that I want to have, like that the bar
Speaker 2: has raised and like people have to show up and
Speaker 2: allow me to show up.
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, I agree with you. I like that has
Speaker 1: happened for me. But do you also kind of still
Speaker 1: go through something that I fight with a lot, which
Speaker 1: is if I also an aphrodisiac from me, is someone
Speaker 1: not giving it, not giving me the thing I get
Speaker 1: obsessed obsessed with needing to like get them.
Speaker 4: I know exactly what you're talking about that still lives
Speaker 4: in me that.
Speaker 2: I killed her.
Speaker 1: She like I can feel it, and I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: it turns you into this, Like it just is it's
Speaker 1: so obvious when it's easy and nice and they meet
Speaker 1: like agains. When they meet, you're just like oh, like
Speaker 1: it's but then then the turbulent other side, which also
Speaker 1: kind of turns into it's hot.
Speaker 4: It's yes, but it's the not knowing it. It's the
Speaker 4: build up it.
Speaker 1: But then like they're not meeting you is itself this
Speaker 1: like it's an affrodisiac in a way.
Speaker 2: I get that. It's like it's the channelt like it.
Speaker 2: I know there's a piece of the chase of it
Speaker 2: of like wanting what you can't have and like, oh,
Speaker 2: I want it more now, and I understand that, and
Speaker 2: I feel like I used to be like that and
Speaker 2: do that, and but then I got to a point
Speaker 2: where it was like I am more turned on my clarity,
Speaker 2: and I'm more turned on by you saying exactly what
Speaker 2: you want exactly what like phrase me yes, yes, yes,
Speaker 2: make me wonder if you even know. I love Like
Speaker 2: clear communication is truly my cake. And so it's like
Speaker 2: the person who's willing to come up to me and
Speaker 2: say I think you're attractive and I want to do X,
Speaker 2: Y and Z, I would rather go home with them
Speaker 2: than the person who's like wishy washy. I just had
Speaker 2: an experience and I was very proud of myself. There's
Speaker 2: this guy. It's part of a couple, and so i've
Speaker 2: you know, fooled around with them sometimes. And I was
Speaker 2: talking to one of the partners and we were like,
Speaker 2: wanted to get together, and we're trying to make it
Speaker 2: work because both of our partners are out of town.
Speaker 2: And then we met up at a party and we
Speaker 2: talked and the vibes were there, even kissed a little bit.
Speaker 2: But then I just felt like, which is also very light,
Speaker 2: like it was like you're also still scanning for other people,
Speaker 2: and I was like, oh, an old version of me
Speaker 2: would have like stayed and like tried to be the
Speaker 2: one that you end up with. But this new version
Speaker 2: was like, oh, okay, well you don't want it bad
Speaker 2: enough and that's okay, I'm gonna go and find somebody else.
Speaker 4: See I do that.
Speaker 1: But then I I'm You're still I'm ruminating about why
Speaker 1: they didn't pick me. Oh am, I have you ever
Speaker 1: taken the Myers Briggs test? Now it's Myers Briggs or
Speaker 1: it's another one. I I just I think I took
Speaker 1: it to where it's like you're like e F n
Speaker 1: J or something.
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, And that's like a long time. I feel
Speaker 2: like somebody sent it to me and it was like
Speaker 2: too long for me to.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it was actually very informative, very accurate for me.
Speaker 1: And one of the one of the things that I
Speaker 1: remembered is like, and it has helped, UH kind of
Speaker 1: name it when I'm experiencing it, and it's like, oh,
Speaker 1: I get turbulent around if someone's hard to read.
Speaker 4: This is even this isn't even sexually.
Speaker 1: In general, if I'm in a space and I feel
Speaker 1: like someone isn't reassuring me with an energy in some way,
Speaker 1: I work extra hard or I'm just in my in
Speaker 1: my brain the whole time, like wondering why they're not
Speaker 1: they don't like me? Yes, So imagine when you want
Speaker 1: them and you're attracted to them and they don't kind
Speaker 1: of give you that, or it's like it's it's not
Speaker 1: so obvious walking away, that becomes a project in my mind.
Speaker 2: I think what I've learned to like because I fully
Speaker 2: understand that and I feel like I've gone through that
Speaker 2: and still go through it at times. But what helps
Speaker 2: me is going, one, well, we're not all going to
Speaker 2: be attracted to each other. Like there are people that
Speaker 2: like I'm not attracted to or I'm I'm not connected to.
Speaker 2: They're fabulous people. I'm just not there or or I
Speaker 2: was going through my own shit and like completely just
Speaker 2: like missed them, and so I'm like, let me give
Speaker 2: them that grace. They might have been going through their
Speaker 2: own shit or they're just not that into it, and
Speaker 2: so then it's like okay, cool. Well it's because I
Speaker 2: think what we end up doing. I think a lot
Speaker 2: of people relate to this is that when you get
Speaker 2: rejected or whatever, you end up thinking it's something that
Speaker 2: you have to fix about you. Yes, And I am
Speaker 2: now in a state where it's like, no, I'm actually
Speaker 2: quite good. I'm not perfect, but like if they're not
Speaker 2: into it, we're just not a match. Yep, yep, and
Speaker 2: like there's nothing I got to go home and fix.
Speaker 2: It's just like we're not a match and somebody else
Speaker 2: because also at this point you're like, I've had enough
Speaker 2: experiences to know that, like I'm good.
Speaker 1: Yeah, cool, and you know those people who are because
Speaker 1: I'm still this happens with me all the time. And
Speaker 1: to the people who are listening who like also do this,
Speaker 1: like the reason we do that? And I think, as
Speaker 1: Esther Parrell, who I love, worded this on one of
Speaker 1: her conversations with a guest that the reason we when
Speaker 1: we are rejected or it doesn't go our way, make
Speaker 1: it more like we internalize it more is because it
Speaker 1: gives us agency. It gives us something to do and yeah,
Speaker 1: to do to but really it has nothing. It doesn't
Speaker 1: always have something to do with you in the way
Speaker 1: that you think, yes, in the way that it's you know,
Speaker 1: creating turmoil in your brain and all of that stuff.
Speaker 1: So that was very helpful to hear when I forget
Speaker 1: when she spoke about it or whatever. Yeah, because that's
Speaker 1: why you're doing it. There's nothing wrong with you. There's
Speaker 1: nothing wrong. But it's like, oh, I'm I'm just trying
Speaker 1: to control in some way, and the agency is like, oh,
Speaker 1: I don't have to.
Speaker 2: Which is like if you're a perfectionist, Like, of course
Speaker 2: it really hits on it because perfectionists, we're all we're
Speaker 2: trying to do is control and control the outcome and
Speaker 2: to like, how can I make myself better? How can
Speaker 2: I do?
Speaker 4: You know this?
Speaker 1: This is what I'm made of, by the way, tell me,
Speaker 1: I'm not someone who like like kind of subscribe to
Speaker 1: this like growing up.
Speaker 4: But the perfectionism thing is just such a thing.
Speaker 2: It's it is. I always say I'm a recovering perfectionists,
Speaker 2: and I don't say that with any kind of joke.
Speaker 2: It is like my addiction, like I I it's something
Speaker 2: that I picked up and I have to put back down.
Speaker 2: But one of the things that's helped me is to observe,
Speaker 2: not absorb, Like that's a big. That's like a mantra
Speaker 2: like I can observe your behavior, I don't have to
Speaker 2: absorb it. I can observe your energy. I don't have
Speaker 2: to absorb it. And also like not needing a reason
Speaker 2: for everything, Like I can leave you where you are
Speaker 2: and I do not need a reason for why you've
Speaker 2: done X, Y and Z. I just know it doesn't
Speaker 2: vibe with me, yeah, Or I just know that you
Speaker 2: don't like me, or you're not you're not show you're
Speaker 2: not showing up in a way that makes me feel loved.
Speaker 2: I don't need to know why. I don't need your bag,
Speaker 2: I don't need your I'm gonna leave you right there.
Speaker 2: And like you know, like that that wish I could say,
Speaker 2: it's listen. It is a practice. It is not something
Speaker 2: that happens overnight. It's not something you wake up you
Speaker 2: decide I'll go. It is like a practice to like
Speaker 2: really engage with that and like figure out what are
Speaker 2: the reasons why you want to hold and how do
Speaker 2: you slowly over time begin to release squish. Yes, but
Speaker 2: like that is to me and that also has come
Speaker 2: with age, and like I'm thirty seven and I really
Speaker 2: felt that shift because you start to go, well, babe,
Speaker 2: we're halfway through this thing. You know, if you live
Speaker 2: to eighty. But I'm almost halfway through this thing. Am
Speaker 2: I really gonna be stressing over that boy?
Speaker 4: Right?
Speaker 2: I really? I can do more with my life than
Speaker 2: stressed over that boy.
Speaker 4: Yeah, you know.
Speaker 2: And so then it's like, okay, well then.
Speaker 4: It's like, why are you stressing over that boy?
Speaker 2: Why are you stressing over that boy?
Speaker 4: Are you? Is it? Is it keeping you from another thing?
Speaker 4: Is it just?
Speaker 1: What are you getting from it that keeps you in
Speaker 1: some way, like in the habit of it, that you're
Speaker 1: getting something from it? And I know that I I uh,
Speaker 1: that is a part of it.
Speaker 2: And it's like, what do you I think? It's like
Speaker 2: what is what? What do you want to nurture? Like
Speaker 2: you gotta you're gonna spend your energy somewhere. So do
Speaker 2: you want to spend your energy trying to figure out
Speaker 2: what this boy is doing in his head?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Or do you want to spend your energy finding somebody
Speaker 2: who would just tell you? It's like, I'd rather spend
Speaker 2: my energy with somebody because it's like that feels good,
Speaker 2: whether it's sexual, romantic, platonic, it's like Oh, it feels
Speaker 2: good when I'm with people who can speak and clearly
Speaker 2: communicate and whatever. So that feels better than this other thing. Yeah,
Speaker 2: so I can I can let that rest.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: My friendships, I think tend to be the most nutritious
Speaker 1: for me. Yes, more so than this than than my
Speaker 1: like sexual experiences, which are also like beautiful in their
Speaker 1: own way or what. Yeah, but like I said, like
Speaker 1: they can be a little they can they can be
Speaker 1: overall with some shame for me.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 4: So where I.
Speaker 1: Feel like I have a break from the the focus
Speaker 1: on sex or something like that, and it we do
Speaker 1: a turnaround and it becomes fun again is when I'm
Speaker 1: accessing my friendships just with people who I get to
Speaker 1: like just kind of be with be with friends who
Speaker 1: you can watch a show and like your legs are intertwined. Yes,
Speaker 1: there's this way that you're sharing in love, but that
Speaker 1: isn't romantic. Allows me to appreciate when I do get
Speaker 1: the sex, yes, and that it's not with that you know,
Speaker 1: it's not even that it's not with them, but just
Speaker 1: like it's those are those moments that feel that they
Speaker 1: kind of balance me a little bit.
Speaker 2: I have been leaning into I've been leaning into being
Speaker 2: more intimate socially with my male friends, and by that
Speaker 2: I mean like being able to like watch a movie
Speaker 2: and you know, have our legs intertwined, and it's nothing romantic,
Speaker 2: but there's been something so healing about physically being intimate
Speaker 2: or showing intimacy with my male especially my male queer friends,
Speaker 2: that's allowed me to beautiful. It's so beautiful and allows me,
Speaker 2: I think, to take back my power in the bedroom
Speaker 2: as well, because it's like, oh, I'm learning about intimacy
Speaker 2: with other men, which makes it less because sometimes, especially
Speaker 2: with gay sex, sometimes with the wrong partners, you can
Speaker 2: get into like a buying who's the girl, who's the boy,
Speaker 2: who's the top. It becomes very like masculine versus feminine,
Speaker 2: as opposed to just letting people be and so allowing
Speaker 2: like taking back the narrative of like boys shouldn't do
Speaker 2: this boy and like just being like that's my best
Speaker 2: homie and I'm gonna run my fingers through his hair
Speaker 2: while we talk about housewives and nothing. We're not fucking,
Speaker 2: but like that's my That is how I'm showing love.
Speaker 2: Allows me to show up in the bedroom owning that
Speaker 2: power owning that intimacy the best, the best. Thank you
Speaker 2: for being here.
Speaker 4: Thank you. This was so amazing.
Speaker 2: This was incredible.
Speaker 4: Like I just always loved talking to you.
Speaker 2: I love talking to you, and I'm so glad we are.
Speaker 2: We are with that museum trip. I still think about
Speaker 2: that one of my favorites.
Speaker 4: So great. Yes, and your one man show, which yes.
Speaker 2: I'm coming back with it. I'll be back at the
Speaker 2: next year.
Speaker 4: Yay.
Speaker 2: Oh my thank you.
Speaker 4: Thanks.
Speaker 2: Well, you know we're hose here, but hose with heart.
Speaker 2: So before we part ways, let me speak to yours.
Speaker 2: I adore Ian. Ian. It's such a special friend to me.
Speaker 2: You know, you know when you make friends that you're like,
Speaker 2: we don't see each other regularly, you're not even like
Speaker 2: always texting, but you meet somebody and you have like
Speaker 2: what I will say, like your souls just kind of
Speaker 2: like attach and you're like, I don't know, I like
Speaker 2: this vibe. I like your vibe. We should let's hang out.
Speaker 2: Let's you know, let's kicky. And that is the relationship
Speaker 2: that I have with Ian, where like our souls just
Speaker 2: kind of like attached, and we've had I just have
Speaker 2: some some of my favorite conversations whenever I get to
Speaker 2: see him, and this conversation was, you know, no different,
Speaker 2: was exactly exactly what I anticipated it would be, which
Speaker 2: is just a lot of deep, expansive, safe and vulnerable exploration.
Speaker 2: So I'm just so grateful for Ian and his friendship.
Speaker 2: What are the things that really stood out to me?
Speaker 2: You know, there's a difference between a fuck buddy of
Speaker 2: versus a friends with benefits, which I'm glad we solve that.
Speaker 2: And you know, maybe you have a different take, which
Speaker 2: you can always email me, tell me something messy at
Speaker 2: gmail dot com. But yeah, it seems like a fuck
Speaker 2: buddy is you know, just somebody that you kind of like,
Speaker 2: you fuck, and that's kind of it. And a friends
Speaker 2: with benefit is somebody that you retain a friendship with.
Speaker 2: And sometimes you know, if the moon is full, okay,
Speaker 2: if the stars glimmer in the right way, you might
Speaker 2: suck a dep Okay, you might eat that. You might
Speaker 2: be playing with that whole okay and you or you
Speaker 2: might just be kissing a little bit. You know, the
Speaker 2: benefits the benefits of the friendship. So I love that
Speaker 2: we've established that. But you know, always what I will say, regardless,
Speaker 2: fuck buddy, your friends, benefits, whoever it is. You know,
Speaker 2: you make sure you communicate and you know, if the
Speaker 2: the vibes are shifting, you know, as we talked about,
Speaker 2: like you know, one person may decide they no longer
Speaker 2: want to participate in that same way. I think that
Speaker 2: that's totally fine. But to communicate it to to honor
Speaker 2: each other by saying what you need or what you
Speaker 2: want or what you desire, what your expectations are is
Speaker 2: just the most loving thing you can do for yourself
Speaker 2: and for the other person. Like we said, we're alls
Speaker 2: with heart, and so that is that is part of
Speaker 2: being a hoe with a heart. Also the chase, y'all,
Speaker 2: the chase of like uh you know, which I get
Speaker 2: a lot of people the quote unquote want what you
Speaker 2: can't have, the chase of uh you know, especially for
Speaker 2: I would say, kind of the how men are rared
Speaker 2: or raised is to like, you know, I want to
Speaker 2: chase this thing and if it comes to easily then
Speaker 2: I don't want it. That vibe I get it, I
Speaker 2: understand it, but also that stresses my nervous system out
Speaker 2: I just learned, you know, Like I feel like my
Speaker 2: twenties were for you know, the chase if you will.
Speaker 2: And my thirties have been to chase myself okay, and
Speaker 2: catch myself quite honestly and hold myself. And how I
Speaker 2: hold myself softly and safely and lovingly is by making
Speaker 2: sure that the people that I'm around, whether it is romantically, platonically, professionally, sexually,
Speaker 2: that I don't have to chase them hello, that I'm
Speaker 2: not bending over backwards, that there's reciprocity. If there's not,
Speaker 2: you know, a reciprocal pouring into one another, if there's
Speaker 2: not an an equitable eagerness to be in relationship or
Speaker 2: in connection with one another, that I don't want it.
Speaker 2: It stresses my nervous system out. And you know, I
Speaker 2: just believe that it is okay to not be a match.
Speaker 2: I think if we can, we're not taught that. You know,
Speaker 2: every movie you watch is like the guy gets the girl,
Speaker 2: the girl gets the guy, you know, like it's always,
Speaker 2: you know, at the end of the movie and we
Speaker 2: all cheer, you got her, she got him. Okay, she's
Speaker 2: a whole person now, like that energy fuck it right,
Speaker 2: Like it is okay to not be a match. The
Speaker 2: most important relationship is alone with yourself, and so trying
Speaker 2: to change who you are and fit into a box
Speaker 2: to make yourself appealing for some person that you don't
Speaker 2: even really know, just seems like a fruitless pursuit, not
Speaker 2: a very compassionate pursuit to not not a pursuit that
Speaker 2: honors the magical human that you are. And so I
Speaker 2: think that it is okay to start going, hey, okay,
Speaker 2: well that wasn't a match. You know, like, if you're
Speaker 2: if you listen, if you're a terrible person, you're gonna
Speaker 2: know that because you're gonna be around people who reflect that.
Speaker 2: So if you're around some people that you're like, I
Speaker 2: don't trust these people, which I know some people are,
Speaker 2: which that's a different conversation. But if you're around people
Speaker 2: that you're like, I don't really trust them, then, you know,
Speaker 2: my mother would always say, like, your friends are a
Speaker 2: reflection of you. So if you're in community or in
Speaker 2: you know, in spaces with people that you do not trust,
Speaker 2: I would look instead of looking at them, I would
Speaker 2: look at you, right, do you trust yourself? Right? Are
Speaker 2: you trustworthy? Right? And so you do that work. If
Speaker 2: you find yourself around people that you trust and you
Speaker 2: feel really good about you know, your personhood and whatnot,
Speaker 2: or you can like trust that, hey, I got good
Speaker 2: people around, so it probably means that I'm good as well.
Speaker 2: Then if you're not a match with that person, with
Speaker 2: that boy, that girl that they you don't need to
Speaker 2: go into the lab to fix yourself. There's nothing for
Speaker 2: you to fix. It's just not a match. It's just
Speaker 2: a change. I gave all that explanation because not that
Speaker 2: I think anyone listening to his vodcast will probably fall
Speaker 2: into this category because you're aware enough to be you know,
Speaker 2: listening to this podcast, but you know, yeah, some people
Speaker 2: are assholes, okay, and those people do need to go
Speaker 2: do some work. They need to go to fucking therapy,
Speaker 2: they need to read a couple of books, they need
Speaker 2: to meditate, for sure. Those people absolutely like that. We're
Speaker 2: not a match for a reason. My love, Okay, you're
Speaker 2: an asshole, but uh, most people are not assholes. I
Speaker 2: know everyone here listening. You're not an asshole. You are
Speaker 2: a compassionate, empathetic human being who I know moves with
Speaker 2: intention and moves with love. I'm not saying you're perfect.
Speaker 2: I'm not saying you know, we don't slip up, but
Speaker 2: you know you move with intention and with love and
Speaker 2: with grace and compassion. So if the boy the girl
Speaker 2: that they isn't vibing with you, I don't think it
Speaker 2: means you need to go fix your vibes. I think
Speaker 2: that it means that it's just not a match, it's
Speaker 2: not aligned. And can I also say this sometimes a
Speaker 2: lot of times, maybe even all the time, hot take,
Speaker 2: not being a match is such a gift. And I
Speaker 2: will say that in this sense of jobs. There are
Speaker 2: jobs where I was like, oh I want that job,
Speaker 2: Oh my god, I want that whatever, and I didn't
Speaker 2: get it, and you're bomb disappointed, so sad. And then
Speaker 2: I hear about it because somebody I know may have
Speaker 2: gotten that job and they had a miserable time, or
Speaker 2: there was an asshole on set, or you know, the
Speaker 2: boss was a dick, all these things, and you're like, oh, wow,
Speaker 2: I actually got saved. The fact that it didn't work
Speaker 2: out for me actually saved me my peace. And so
Speaker 2: sometimes when it's not a match, assume that your peace
Speaker 2: has been saved. Hmm. Okay, great clarity turns me on.
Speaker 2: I can't say that enough. I love when people are
Speaker 2: direct and clear. I am not a my reader. I
Speaker 2: say this to my husband all the time. I am
Speaker 2: not a my reader. I do not know what's going
Speaker 2: on in that head. I'm not even gonna try because
Speaker 2: if I try, and then I'm start assuming and you
Speaker 2: got to tell me what you need. I'll ask, of course,
Speaker 2: but if somebody doesn't tell me what it is, I'm
Speaker 2: not going I am going to take you at your word.
Speaker 2: If you are somebody that I love and I respect,
Speaker 2: that I care for, I'm going to take you at
Speaker 2: your word. You tell me you good, I believe you good. Now,
Speaker 2: of course we know there's intuition and sometimes you're like,
Speaker 2: I feel something's off, so I hear you, but like
Speaker 2: that's different. But just in general, not a my reader.
Speaker 2: You got it. You gotta you gotta say things to people.
Speaker 2: And so clarity turns me on people saying what they want,
Speaker 2: what they're looking for, what they desire, because what clarity
Speaker 2: does is one, it allows you to get what you
Speaker 2: want right because you're being clear about it, and so
Speaker 2: the other person can show up. But it also allows
Speaker 2: you to avoid the things you don't want because that
Speaker 2: other person now has the opportunity to say, yes I
Speaker 2: can fulfill that, or no I can't. And so now
Speaker 2: you're not spending energy dancing in uncertainty. Who wants to
Speaker 2: go to the uncertainty ball?
Speaker 4: Not I?
Speaker 2: Not I, baby, I'm not here to be twirling around
Speaker 2: at the uncertainty bowl, the uncertainty debutante. That's not That's
Speaker 2: not my vibe. So clarity, clarity. Really. I was on
Speaker 2: a podcast and I said something and the host was like,
Speaker 2: that's what I call a pussy tingle. And I love
Speaker 2: that term. Shout out to Lindsey Mumble. Uh, date Raisin, Yes,
Speaker 2: a pussy tingle. Clarity makes my pussy tang goal. Uh
Speaker 2: other things you know. I love when Ian said that
Speaker 2: his friendships are nutritious. Wow, I love language nutrichious. Yes, yes, baby,
Speaker 2: Going back to what I said about friends and do
Speaker 2: you trust them, like you know, you're out a community
Speaker 2: you trust or you don't trust. It should be nutritious.
Speaker 2: You should feel fed when you hang out with a friend,
Speaker 2: with family, with the people that you are spending energy
Speaker 2: and time with, you should feel nourished and they should
Speaker 2: feel nourished. Right if you're leaving situations and you're feeling
Speaker 2: drained and exhausted and like you got to take a
Speaker 2: break for a week before you ever see them motherfuckers Again,
Speaker 2: something might be off, babe, something something might be off.
Speaker 2: So having those friendships that are nutritious. And also I
Speaker 2: said this on the episode with the Carramo, but like
Speaker 2: working on your intimacy with your friends. I think that
Speaker 2: women are really great at that, are really good at
Speaker 2: being able to be soft with one another, which is socialization.
Speaker 2: But men, malebodied aren't often great that not socialized. You know,
Speaker 2: there's a there's it's that's gay, right, Like it's so
Speaker 2: like that's good, and then the gays who are gay
Speaker 2: also subscribe to it. It's like maybe you're gay, so
Speaker 2: be gay.
Speaker 3: Uh.
Speaker 2: But yeah, I think that this idea, you know, I
Speaker 2: think that we would as a society benefit from more
Speaker 2: intimacy with our friends. Intimacy does not mean sex, right.
Speaker 2: Intimacy is just the ability to be soft with one another,
Speaker 2: to be vulnerable, to share space with one another, to
Speaker 2: be gentle and tender with one another, to know what
Speaker 2: that is and to offer that is a muscle is
Speaker 2: a skill. Some of y'all hate a forehead kiss, right,
Speaker 2: like you tense up your body tenses that will add
Speaker 2: a handhold, right. That is a fear of intimacy. What
Speaker 2: are you afraid of losing with that intimacy? And so
Speaker 2: can you can you work on that muscle that allows
Speaker 2: you to soften and to trust your safety. You know,
Speaker 2: you don't have to be intimate with everybody, right, but
Speaker 2: if this is somebody calling your best friend, somebody you're
Speaker 2: calling family, chosen family, you have a right to be
Speaker 2: able to, you know, fall into their arms and lean
Speaker 2: on their chest and and and be loved in that
Speaker 2: way and love them in that way. You deserve that,
Speaker 2: So work on that intimacy muscle. And finally, which is random,
Speaker 2: I know, we you know. I recorded this episode back
Speaker 2: in I think September or October, so I was saying
Speaker 2: that my show is end of next year, but this
Speaker 2: this year, baby, so my show. I will be heading
Speaker 2: to New York next week a week after this episode drops,
Speaker 2: to work shop the show at Ours Nova in Manhattan,
Speaker 2: and then we're gonna do the full production at the
Speaker 2: end of the year, which I think is September, October November.
Speaker 2: But I will keep you posted all that because if
Speaker 2: you're in New York or near New York, I would love, love,
Speaker 2: love to have you in the audience. As I tell
Speaker 2: all of my sex stories because the show is called
Speaker 2: ho Church and I will be being a big ass
Speaker 2: hole on that stage. Okay, that is everything. I love
Speaker 2: you so much. By the way, if you are enjoying
Speaker 2: the podcast, please do me favor and rate, review and subscribe.
Speaker 2: We are trying to get one hundred and fifty ratings
Speaker 2: by the end of this month. So oh February so short,
Speaker 2: so there's like two days, three days, whatever, Just do it.
Speaker 2: Just do it. You don't have to write anything along.
Speaker 2: You can just say I'm obsessed with the show, give
Speaker 2: it five stars, and then subscribe so that you never
Speaker 2: miss an episode. It really helps the show. I adore you,
Speaker 2: I love you, Love you, love you, love you, love you.
Speaker 2: You can find me on Instagram as well at Brandon
Speaker 2: Kyle Goodman. You can find our podcast at tell Me
Speaker 2: Something Messy, and you can join our community on the
Speaker 2: Messy Mondays substack. When you subscribe, you'll get weekly posts,
Speaker 2: recommendations on sex and self and so much more. Also,
Speaker 2: I want to hear from you, so send your topic ideas,
Speaker 2: your messy stories, your submissions, your game ideas to tell
Speaker 2: Me Something Messy at gmail dot com. You can also
Speaker 2: call us at six six nine sixty nine messy that
Speaker 2: is six six nine, six ninety six three seven seven nine, Rate,
Speaker 2: review and share this podcast with all your hoe and
Speaker 2: aspiring hoe friends. Really really helps the show out, all right.
Speaker 2: Until next time, ask about the politics of that dick
Speaker 2: before you make it spit, make sure they eat the kitty,
Speaker 2: buffore they beat the kitty before fuckation or sucation communication.
Speaker 2: And in case you haven't heard it yet, today you
Speaker 2: are so deeply loved. I love you ye, thank you
Speaker 2: so much for listening to tell Me Something Messy. If
Speaker 2: you all enjoyed the show, send me episode to someone
Speaker 2: else who might like it. Tell Me Something Messy was
Speaker 2: executive produced by Ali Perry, Gabrielle Collins and Yours Truly.
Speaker 2: Our producer and editor is Vince Dejohnny. For more podcasts
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