1 00:00:01,400 --> 00:00:04,240 Speaker 1: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space. 2 00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:07,800 Speaker 2: Sometimes your why simply is to let them know that 3 00:00:07,840 --> 00:00:12,040 Speaker 2: they hurt you. It's simply to make them aware of 4 00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:17,520 Speaker 2: their impact on your feelings and the potential damage that 5 00:00:18,480 --> 00:00:22,599 Speaker 2: their words or actions have on your relationship with them. 6 00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:25,840 Speaker 3: And that's important to be aware of. 7 00:00:28,280 --> 00:00:31,560 Speaker 2: Tay Lady, have you ever felt like the world just 8 00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:35,400 Speaker 2: doesn't get you? Well, we do. 9 00:00:36,479 --> 00:00:40,200 Speaker 1: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, the podcast dedicated to uplifting 10 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:41,879 Speaker 1: and empowering women like you. 11 00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:48,960 Speaker 2: We're your hosts, doctor Dominique Brussard, and educator and psychologists. 12 00:00:47,880 --> 00:00:51,520 Speaker 1: And Terry Lomax, a techy and transformational speaker. 13 00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:56,400 Speaker 2: Join us every week for authentic conversations about everything from 14 00:00:56,480 --> 00:01:01,200 Speaker 2: fibroids to fake friends as we create space for black 15 00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:04,760 Speaker 2: women to just be. 16 00:01:04,760 --> 00:01:06,840 Speaker 1: Before we dive in, make sure you hit that follow 17 00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:09,600 Speaker 1: button and leave us a quick five star review. Lady, 18 00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:12,720 Speaker 1: we are black founded and black owned, and your support 19 00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:14,960 Speaker 1: will help us reach even more women like you. 20 00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:20,560 Speaker 2: Now, let's get into this week's episode of Cultivating her Space. 21 00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:26,040 Speaker 1: If you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure of your next steps, 22 00:01:26,480 --> 00:01:30,039 Speaker 1: this is for you. Hey, lady, is tea here and 23 00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:32,040 Speaker 1: I just want to invite you to my free goal 24 00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:34,880 Speaker 1: map like a pro coaching workshop, where I'll share the 25 00:01:34,959 --> 00:01:38,720 Speaker 1: five proven steps to get unstuck and achieve your goals. 26 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:43,600 Speaker 1: Whether you're feeling overwhelmed by all your ideas, juggling scattered ideas, 27 00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:46,959 Speaker 1: or maybe you just need confidence to start, this workshop 28 00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:50,080 Speaker 1: will give you the clarity, tools and the motivation to 29 00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:53,760 Speaker 1: take back control. Reserve your spot for free by visiting 30 00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:58,040 Speaker 1: her spacepodcast dot com and clicking on the goal map 31 00:01:58,120 --> 00:02:01,080 Speaker 1: like a pro webinar link. Don't miss this chance to 32 00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:03,000 Speaker 1: gouild a road map that fits your life and set 33 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:05,240 Speaker 1: you up for success. I hope to see you there. 34 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:08,880 Speaker 3: Our quote of the day. 35 00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:17,280 Speaker 2: Feedback is a gift and it's okay to unwrap it slowly. Now, lady, 36 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:21,560 Speaker 2: if you listen to our part one of the feedback loop, 37 00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:23,280 Speaker 2: you'll recognize. 38 00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:23,560 Speaker 3: That quote of the day. 39 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:26,079 Speaker 2: But for those of you who didn't, I will say 40 00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:32,080 Speaker 2: it one more time. Feedback is a gift and it's 41 00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:35,360 Speaker 2: okay to unwrap it slowly. 42 00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:39,560 Speaker 3: All right, so t we are ready. 43 00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:45,760 Speaker 2: In season twenty seven, episode eight, we talked about this 44 00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:53,040 Speaker 2: quote from the aspect of when you're the person receiving 45 00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:57,239 Speaker 2: the feedback But when you hear this quote and think 46 00:02:57,240 --> 00:03:02,200 Speaker 2: about what we're focusing on today and how to give feedback, what. 47 00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:03,080 Speaker 3: Comes up for you? 48 00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:07,640 Speaker 1: So what really comes up for me? And I say 49 00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:09,960 Speaker 1: this not to be pessimistic, but I'm thinking about just 50 00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:14,080 Speaker 1: from personal experience, I would say don that you and 51 00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:17,880 Speaker 1: I were pretty committed to personal growth and development. Not 52 00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:21,560 Speaker 1: to say that that makes feedback easier for us to receive, 53 00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:25,120 Speaker 1: but I know that if we are doing something wrong, 54 00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:27,240 Speaker 1: we want to know and we are open to feedback, 55 00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:28,920 Speaker 1: even if it hurts our feelings and we're like, oh, 56 00:03:28,919 --> 00:03:31,440 Speaker 1: my little feelings are hurt. But I've found that in 57 00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:35,720 Speaker 1: my life there have been many times when the people 58 00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:38,040 Speaker 1: who are receiving feedback it's not a gift to them. 59 00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:40,200 Speaker 1: They don't want to hear it. They're not open to 60 00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:42,840 Speaker 1: the growth. And so it can be a little gnarly 61 00:03:42,920 --> 00:03:46,760 Speaker 1: when you are offering feedback to someone and they don't 62 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:48,400 Speaker 1: see it as a gift although it could help me, 63 00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:50,400 Speaker 1: even when you're very intentional and you try to do 64 00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:52,800 Speaker 1: your best to communicate it. So that is honestly what 65 00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:56,600 Speaker 1: came up. That's what came to mind for me. Yeah, 66 00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:57,560 Speaker 1: what about you? What comes up? 67 00:03:57,680 --> 00:03:58,160 Speaker 3: That's true. 68 00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:01,840 Speaker 2: I think the thing that I appreciate that perspective because 69 00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:04,840 Speaker 2: that is real, like it is hard to give the feedback, 70 00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:10,040 Speaker 2: which is why for me, this quote makes me think 71 00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:16,960 Speaker 2: about the importance of going slow, slowing down when you 72 00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:21,320 Speaker 2: are the person who has to give it. That it 73 00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:30,000 Speaker 2: makes me think about sometimes, particularly for people who are anxious. 74 00:04:27,839 --> 00:04:28,080 Speaker 1: That. 75 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:32,840 Speaker 2: When you have to give feedback, if it's something that 76 00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:37,480 Speaker 2: you might be uncomfortable with, or the situation is uncomfortable 77 00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:41,320 Speaker 2: and you want to just hurry up and get it 78 00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:44,960 Speaker 2: out right, whether it's because you just need to get 79 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:48,080 Speaker 2: it off your chest or you need it resolved, like 80 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:51,000 Speaker 2: whatever it is, you're anxious about getting it out and 81 00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:57,599 Speaker 2: you're in a rush, and usually that's when things go wrong. 82 00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:00,960 Speaker 1: Yes, because you Yes, that's such a good point. 83 00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:05,800 Speaker 2: And so this quote to me is a reminder that 84 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:12,719 Speaker 2: if you are the person giving the feedback, that it's 85 00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:18,080 Speaker 2: more than okay too to slow it down and to 86 00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:22,440 Speaker 2: be intentional about how you're giving that feedback. And so 87 00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:26,080 Speaker 2: we'll go into more details about that later, but I 88 00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:28,080 Speaker 2: think that that's what really came up for me. 89 00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:30,920 Speaker 1: Yes, Oh, I love that so much. Now you having 90 00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:32,520 Speaker 1: about to jump on it, and I'm like, oh, let's 91 00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:35,599 Speaker 1: let's talk about examples, but we'll set some context for 92 00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:38,039 Speaker 1: today's episode. Lady, as Domm alluded to earlier, So a 93 00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:41,119 Speaker 1: couple months ago, and I believe it was season twenty seven, 94 00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:44,720 Speaker 1: episode eight, we talked about how to receive feedback, especially 95 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:48,320 Speaker 1: as parents and caregivers. And so today we're going to 96 00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:50,600 Speaker 1: flip the mirror to the other side and talk about 97 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:52,640 Speaker 1: how to give feedback. So it could be feedback to 98 00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:57,560 Speaker 1: our children, feedback to younger generations, or even upward to 99 00:05:57,720 --> 00:06:01,680 Speaker 1: elders or parents. And the idea here is to give 100 00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:05,080 Speaker 1: that feedback without guilt, fear, or resentment. And so we 101 00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:07,200 Speaker 1: want to talk about some of our best practices and 102 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:10,680 Speaker 1: our personal experiences and even some and she could say 103 00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:14,520 Speaker 1: blenders and situations where it did not go as planned. 104 00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:17,920 Speaker 1: So maybe we can just kind of dive into why 105 00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:19,560 Speaker 1: this topic is important. Why do you think that this 106 00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:22,000 Speaker 1: is an important topic. I think you kind of said 107 00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:23,279 Speaker 1: it earlier, but I'm sure you want to. 108 00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:32,080 Speaker 2: Yeah, to me, it's important because relationships are important, yes, 109 00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:40,960 Speaker 2: and relationships don't get to improve if there isn't some 110 00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:45,919 Speaker 2: level of feedback. And feedback doesn't people hear that word 111 00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:53,120 Speaker 2: and they often think of criticism, right, And I know that, 112 00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:56,119 Speaker 2: like part of this topic, part of how we're talking 113 00:06:56,120 --> 00:07:01,039 Speaker 2: about it today, is about offering that critical feedback. But 114 00:07:01,839 --> 00:07:08,760 Speaker 2: feedback can also be like the positive like if I say, Tea, 115 00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:11,800 Speaker 2: I like that color lipstick you're wearing today, where'd you 116 00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:12,920 Speaker 2: get that shade? Right? 117 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:17,280 Speaker 3: Like that, that's a cute shade. That's back. 118 00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:23,640 Speaker 2: But we but we use the word compliment, right, But 119 00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:27,560 Speaker 2: compliment and when we're talking about the positive things. 120 00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:31,280 Speaker 3: Yeah, a compliment is still feedback. 121 00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:36,200 Speaker 2: And so I think that's also part of it too. 122 00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:40,400 Speaker 2: Why this conversation is important is that it's a lot 123 00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:48,160 Speaker 2: easier most times for people to give that positive feedback, 124 00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:53,920 Speaker 2: to give that compliment. But a lot of people truly 125 00:07:54,160 --> 00:08:00,360 Speaker 2: struggle with giving feedback in a helpful way. I know 126 00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:02,120 Speaker 2: that there are people who have no problem. 127 00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:05,280 Speaker 3: Giving feedback, Yeah, in that. 128 00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:12,520 Speaker 2: What can feel or be perceived as aggressive or confrontational 129 00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:17,400 Speaker 2: or confrontational, right, and so, and that's not helpful or 130 00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:23,320 Speaker 2: healthy for relationship building. Yeah, Like if every time you 131 00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:26,760 Speaker 2: give me feedback you're couching it in a disk or 132 00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:33,240 Speaker 2: an insult, that does not endear me to you, that 133 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:35,760 Speaker 2: does not make me feel safe in our relationship. 134 00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:38,000 Speaker 3: That does not make me want. 135 00:08:37,679 --> 00:08:42,960 Speaker 2: To get closer to you. If anything, it makes me 136 00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:43,720 Speaker 2: pull away. 137 00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:45,319 Speaker 3: It makes me shrink. 138 00:08:45,679 --> 00:08:51,359 Speaker 2: Because if everything you offer is a diss or an insult, 139 00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:55,360 Speaker 2: who wants to sign up for that all the time. 140 00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:58,920 Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a really good point. I love those points 141 00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:01,040 Speaker 1: that you brought up. I want to add a little 142 00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:03,000 Speaker 1: to that down because as you were sharing that, it 143 00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:06,120 Speaker 1: made me think about a friendship that I had years ago. 144 00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:08,000 Speaker 1: And one of the things we used to brag about 145 00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:11,080 Speaker 1: was in that friendship is we never have an argument, Like, 146 00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:13,959 Speaker 1: we never had any disagreements. But what I realized over 147 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:15,920 Speaker 1: the years is that when you have it not to 148 00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:18,520 Speaker 1: say that every friendship needs a disagreement or an argument 149 00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:20,920 Speaker 1: per se, but it's like, if you have a healthy 150 00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:24,280 Speaker 1: friendship or relationship, there should and will be points where 151 00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:27,120 Speaker 1: you may not agree upon something, and having a conversation 152 00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:30,199 Speaker 1: about those things is important. And so what I realized 153 00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:33,560 Speaker 1: in situations where that was happening, where we never have 154 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:37,200 Speaker 1: any issues, well, that means something might be being brushed 155 00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:39,000 Speaker 1: under the rug and there may not be as much 156 00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:42,560 Speaker 1: authenticity or transparency. And you know what the funny thing 157 00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:46,400 Speaker 1: is too, Having a degree in conflict resolution. One of 158 00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:48,720 Speaker 1: the things that I learned in my program is that 159 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:51,360 Speaker 1: many people, many of the people that I interacted with, 160 00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:55,560 Speaker 1: were uncomfortable giving feedback, some people uncomfortable getting compliments even, 161 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:59,360 Speaker 1: and some people uncomfortable giving constructive feedback. But it's so important, 162 00:09:59,559 --> 00:10:01,600 Speaker 1: and we're going to dive into I don't know, maybe 163 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:03,079 Speaker 1: we should just dive in, dive into some of these 164 00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:07,320 Speaker 1: points now because one of the first ones here is 165 00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:11,320 Speaker 1: knowing the heart behind the feedback. And I think that 166 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:14,320 Speaker 1: is just so important before you even go have a 167 00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:18,040 Speaker 1: conversation with someone, to understand like what is the why here? 168 00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:20,720 Speaker 1: You know, like are you am I trying to connect 169 00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:23,800 Speaker 1: with the person? Am I trying to protect? Am I 170 00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:24,720 Speaker 1: trying to control? 171 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:24,920 Speaker 4: Right? 172 00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:27,080 Speaker 1: Because sometimes we have we might have our own little 173 00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:31,280 Speaker 1: toxic traits trying to you know, show up in life. 174 00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:33,160 Speaker 1: And so understanding with the why is did you have 175 00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:33,800 Speaker 1: something downe? 176 00:10:34,320 --> 00:10:34,520 Speaker 3: Yeah? 177 00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:38,560 Speaker 2: Because I think you know, we're that's so important. That 178 00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:41,880 Speaker 2: why is so important, particularly when we're talking about parents 179 00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:47,920 Speaker 2: and caregivers who are giving that feedback to younger generations 180 00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:52,480 Speaker 2: or their children. Is so important to know that why 181 00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:59,240 Speaker 2: because oftentimes you may be in a space of giving 182 00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:04,120 Speaker 2: feedback to protect them from something that you're afraid of, 183 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:10,480 Speaker 2: not necessarily something that's about them, that's truly about them. 184 00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:15,600 Speaker 2: And so for me when I hear that knowing your why, 185 00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:21,880 Speaker 2: particularly around interacting with the younger generations, it is so 186 00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:26,280 Speaker 2: important to make sure that what your intentions are and 187 00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:31,040 Speaker 2: that it's not about you trying to control them or 188 00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:35,720 Speaker 2: to be or because of your own stuff. 189 00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:39,600 Speaker 1: That listen, we need to we're the church tambarine and 190 00:11:39,679 --> 00:11:41,800 Speaker 1: the off frame plate because you need to pass that around. 191 00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:43,240 Speaker 1: But you know, when you said that down, it makes 192 00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:47,120 Speaker 1: me think about my daughter who's four I'll be five soon. 193 00:11:47,679 --> 00:11:53,120 Speaker 1: And we went to we went to a museum. Yeah, 194 00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:54,920 Speaker 1: it was like a science museum recently, and they had 195 00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:59,200 Speaker 1: a children's activity going on and there were kids that 196 00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:01,160 Speaker 1: they invited to come up on stage and like take 197 00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:02,640 Speaker 1: little I think I may have sent you a video 198 00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:08,199 Speaker 1: of this. Take like different musical instruments and sashes and 199 00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:10,640 Speaker 1: they could go up and dance, and she loves to dance, 200 00:12:10,679 --> 00:12:12,120 Speaker 1: and so she'll get up and dance. She's at that 201 00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:14,680 Speaker 1: age where she doesn't have that fear what are people thinking? 202 00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:15,960 Speaker 1: And I want to keep that for as long as 203 00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:19,720 Speaker 1: possible and for me personally, I would not have just 204 00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:21,520 Speaker 1: gone up on that stage to go dance in front 205 00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:24,440 Speaker 1: of these people. So that's an example of I could have, 206 00:12:24,679 --> 00:12:26,840 Speaker 1: you know, being a parent, wanting to protect, wanting to 207 00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:30,840 Speaker 1: you know, really project you know, my personal fear and 208 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:33,200 Speaker 1: security onto I could have said, don't go up there. 209 00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:35,080 Speaker 1: You don't want the people looking at you crazy. But 210 00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:37,840 Speaker 1: then that's why it's important to sit with yourself and understand, wait, wait, 211 00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:39,840 Speaker 1: wait before I get this feedback, what is the why 212 00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:41,240 Speaker 1: behind it? Because I don't want to go put that 213 00:12:41,280 --> 00:12:43,040 Speaker 1: on her. So she went up there and she danced. 214 00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:45,480 Speaker 1: I recorded her, celebrated her and was and told her 215 00:12:45,520 --> 00:12:47,400 Speaker 1: how proud I was because I want her to feel that, 216 00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:50,560 Speaker 1: have that experience, have that freedom, and know that she 217 00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:52,160 Speaker 1: can do that in a safe space, you know what 218 00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:54,680 Speaker 1: I mean. So that made me think about one of 219 00:12:54,679 --> 00:12:57,959 Speaker 1: those examples. I think another thing, don when it comes 220 00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:00,360 Speaker 1: to knowing your why, I love to write write out 221 00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:04,280 Speaker 1: feedback beforehand to really get grounded because, like you said earlier, 222 00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:07,240 Speaker 1: I found that when you when I don't prepare and 223 00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:10,560 Speaker 1: when I have, when I'm emotionally charged, it tends to 224 00:13:10,559 --> 00:13:13,640 Speaker 1: come out in a way while I'm regretting something that 225 00:13:13,679 --> 00:13:15,680 Speaker 1: I said, and I'm like, damn it, I should have waited, 226 00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:17,319 Speaker 1: I should have cooled down. So I like to be 227 00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:19,400 Speaker 1: able to write out my thoughts, even if you have 228 00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:21,920 Speaker 1: to write some people, I'm thinking of situations where it's 229 00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:24,959 Speaker 1: a bit more tense, right. I think generally giving someone 230 00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:26,880 Speaker 1: a compliment or saying to someone, you know, I loved 231 00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:29,400 Speaker 1: how you did that today. I do think that that's 232 00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:31,880 Speaker 1: generally a bit easier of a conversation to have for 233 00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:35,120 Speaker 1: most people. But I'm thinking about when you have constructive feedback. 234 00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:39,280 Speaker 1: I personally like to say constructive versus criticism, because criticism 235 00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:42,239 Speaker 1: does have a negative connotation. But if you have something constructive, 236 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:44,480 Speaker 1: it is really helpful to write it out and get 237 00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:46,520 Speaker 1: clear on the why, because at the end of the day, 238 00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:50,199 Speaker 1: if you are giving feedback to someone and the goal 239 00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:56,240 Speaker 1: is to inform and to let's say, educate about let's 240 00:13:56,240 --> 00:14:00,720 Speaker 1: say someone hurt your feelings, the goal ultimate usually when 241 00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:03,959 Speaker 1: it comes to the why is to maintain a working relationship, 242 00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:06,400 Speaker 1: whether it's work, family member. You want to be able 243 00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:08,640 Speaker 1: to have a rapport with this person moving forward. So 244 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:11,480 Speaker 1: if you go cuss them out and you all types 245 00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:13,959 Speaker 1: of b's and h's and all that. Then it's like, well, 246 00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:16,320 Speaker 1: where does that leave us after the conversation. So that's 247 00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:18,200 Speaker 1: why I think it's really important to get clear on 248 00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:19,560 Speaker 1: the why. 249 00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:23,800 Speaker 2: Yeah, I would agree, I think that. And I also 250 00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:26,640 Speaker 2: want to acknowledge before we move to the next thing 251 00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:33,400 Speaker 2: that sometimes your why, particularly if it's you speaking to 252 00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:38,880 Speaker 2: an older generation, sometimes your why simply is to let 253 00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:42,600 Speaker 2: them know that they hurt you, right, Like it's simply 254 00:14:42,720 --> 00:14:49,320 Speaker 2: to make them aware of their impact on your feelings 255 00:14:49,920 --> 00:14:55,040 Speaker 2: and the potential damage that their words or actions have 256 00:14:55,200 --> 00:15:00,320 Speaker 2: on your relationship with them. And that's important to to 257 00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:05,520 Speaker 2: be aware of that. Perhaps you're not looking for anything 258 00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:06,200 Speaker 2: beyond that. 259 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:08,440 Speaker 1: Yeah, And. 260 00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:15,040 Speaker 2: Sometimes I think when people move from that space, it's 261 00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:18,240 Speaker 2: all right, I'm just telling you that you hurt my feelings, 262 00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:20,920 Speaker 2: and then we keep it moving, right, don't. I don't 263 00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:22,720 Speaker 2: want nothing else, I don't need nothing else. I don't 264 00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:24,320 Speaker 2: want to even hear what you have to say. I 265 00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:26,920 Speaker 2: don't care about an apology. I just need you to 266 00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:31,600 Speaker 2: know that you pissed me off, or you hurt my feelings. Okay, 267 00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:35,880 Speaker 2: even in that tone as I was giving that example, 268 00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:38,520 Speaker 2: like you hear how it is right? Right? 269 00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:43,640 Speaker 3: So and so I think it. Your feelings are. 270 00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:52,440 Speaker 2: Valid, but taking that approach is not going to be helpful. 271 00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:55,359 Speaker 3: And so even if. 272 00:15:55,160 --> 00:16:00,720 Speaker 2: You know that your why is only to communicate your 273 00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:05,960 Speaker 2: you still need to think about our next step right. 274 00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:08,080 Speaker 1: Before we dive into that dom. We have to talk 275 00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:12,560 Speaker 1: about intent versus impact, because that has come up a 276 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:15,160 Speaker 1: lot when it comes to feedback loops, right, And so, lady, 277 00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:17,520 Speaker 1: what we mean by this before we jump in is 278 00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:22,000 Speaker 1: a lot of times we're one. We are all individual, 279 00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:27,040 Speaker 1: unique humans having our own human experience, right, and so 280 00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:31,800 Speaker 1: we all have different different perspectives, different traumas, different experiences 281 00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:34,080 Speaker 1: that we're bringing to the table, right. And so there 282 00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:37,760 Speaker 1: may be a time where I, let's say I'm trying 283 00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:39,200 Speaker 1: to think of an example. Let's say I want to 284 00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:41,920 Speaker 1: tell my Okay, let's say I want to tell my 285 00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:45,120 Speaker 1: dad that I did not like the way he said 286 00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:48,440 Speaker 1: something to me, and so my intentions are to tell 287 00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:51,880 Speaker 1: him this and communicate in a certain way. But the 288 00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:55,240 Speaker 1: way he receives it, the impact that it had on him, 289 00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:58,880 Speaker 1: they may be totally different, right, They may not correlate. 290 00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:01,120 Speaker 1: I may have had the intention to say something a 291 00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:02,720 Speaker 1: certain way or to show up in a certain way, 292 00:17:02,920 --> 00:17:04,920 Speaker 1: but it doesn't necessarily match the impact. And so I 293 00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:08,080 Speaker 1: think it's important to also realize that sometimes we will 294 00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:10,800 Speaker 1: do our best to communicate in a certain way, but 295 00:17:11,119 --> 00:17:13,399 Speaker 1: it's important we'll talk, we'll kind of bring this full circles, 296 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:16,240 Speaker 1: we have the full conversation, but sometimes our intent doesn't 297 00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:18,520 Speaker 1: match the impact, and so it's important to also hold 298 00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:20,719 Speaker 1: space for that other person's experience and how they may 299 00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:24,240 Speaker 1: have received it, because they may have a different communication style, 300 00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:27,920 Speaker 1: they may have a different expectation, and another thing, they 301 00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:30,000 Speaker 1: may have a different way in which they would have 302 00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:32,840 Speaker 1: approached the conversation. How many times have you given someone 303 00:17:32,880 --> 00:17:35,320 Speaker 1: feedback and they're like, well, if I were you, I 304 00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:38,160 Speaker 1: would have just came to me and said that whatever, 305 00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:40,880 Speaker 1: it might be right. And so we're all different though 306 00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:43,719 Speaker 1: we may communicate differently. So that's one thing I just 307 00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:45,560 Speaker 1: wanted to share. Is there anything you would add to 308 00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:48,880 Speaker 1: that down when it comes to the intent versus impact. 309 00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:51,240 Speaker 3: No, because I think it leaves that leads us. 310 00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:54,720 Speaker 2: That's a good tie in, good point from what I 311 00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:59,239 Speaker 2: was saying about the but the example of you were 312 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:02,240 Speaker 2: only wanting to your intent is to just make them 313 00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:07,200 Speaker 2: know what you're feeling and how it actually comes out, 314 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:13,160 Speaker 2: which is and which is why this next stage of 315 00:18:13,359 --> 00:18:17,719 Speaker 2: timing and setting the table is important, right, because the 316 00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:19,119 Speaker 2: timing and how you. 317 00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:21,720 Speaker 3: Set the table for the conversation. 318 00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:28,840 Speaker 2: Can lessen the negative impact and help you move closer 319 00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:32,360 Speaker 2: to having the intent be what you. 320 00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:34,919 Speaker 3: Really like, really come out, really be clear. 321 00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:35,520 Speaker 2: Right. 322 00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:37,159 Speaker 1: Yes, So. 323 00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:44,040 Speaker 2: Sticking with the example of the elder hurts your feelings, right, 324 00:18:45,359 --> 00:18:50,159 Speaker 2: and you're wanting them to know that what they said 325 00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:56,840 Speaker 2: was hurtful and inappropriate. Saying that if you are feeling 326 00:18:57,240 --> 00:19:03,280 Speaker 2: if you're still feeling really charged, Yeah, saying it in 327 00:19:03,359 --> 00:19:04,240 Speaker 2: the moment. 328 00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:09,679 Speaker 3: Might not be the right time. 329 00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:15,840 Speaker 2: Ideally, you want to be able to say it when 330 00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:24,320 Speaker 2: your calm, they're calm, both people are feeling open to 331 00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:30,600 Speaker 2: having the dialogue. Right, So, telling them in the moment 332 00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:35,840 Speaker 2: what we would call like that drive by feedback, what 333 00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:39,280 Speaker 2: you said right there really hurt my feelings. I'm out, Like, 334 00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:42,320 Speaker 2: I just need you to know that what you said 335 00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:46,560 Speaker 2: hurt my feelings, and you hang up the phone or 336 00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:51,359 Speaker 2: you walk away. Okay, your goal in telling them that 337 00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:55,320 Speaker 2: they hurt your feelings is accomplished. But what's going to 338 00:19:55,359 --> 00:20:01,000 Speaker 2: be the fallout from that? And so if the goal 339 00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:08,000 Speaker 2: is to simply make your feelings known. Cool, you've made 340 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:12,960 Speaker 2: your feelings known. But if the goal is twofold or 341 00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:20,120 Speaker 2: maybe threefold, to communicate your feelings. 342 00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:22,280 Speaker 3: And to deepen the connection. 343 00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:29,560 Speaker 2: And make sure that this doesn't happen again, saying that 344 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:31,200 Speaker 2: your feelings are hurt and walking away in. 345 00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:33,760 Speaker 3: That moment does not That's not gonna get you there. 346 00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:36,840 Speaker 3: What may be more. 347 00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:40,560 Speaker 2: Effective is to say, even if in the moment your 348 00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:43,560 Speaker 2: goal is to solely just communicate your feelings. 349 00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:45,000 Speaker 3: It's. 350 00:20:46,480 --> 00:20:51,639 Speaker 2: What you just said really hurt my feelings. I want 351 00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:54,200 Speaker 2: us to talk about this, but I need to take. 352 00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:55,040 Speaker 4: Some time. 353 00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:59,480 Speaker 2: Because I am really needing to sit with my feelings 354 00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:02,880 Speaker 2: right now and I don't want to say anything that's 355 00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:05,520 Speaker 2: gonna hurt our relationship more. 356 00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:09,919 Speaker 1: That's a really great one down. Yeah, planting the seed. 357 00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:11,080 Speaker 3: Yes. 358 00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:14,080 Speaker 1: Now again, going back to what I said earlier about 359 00:21:14,119 --> 00:21:17,520 Speaker 1: being pessimistic. I know that someone is listening to this 360 00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:20,240 Speaker 1: and they're like, this is real cute. But we know how, 361 00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:26,399 Speaker 1: especially culturally, some generations can be I speaking about my 362 00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:29,560 Speaker 1: personal experience, and I'm thinking about older, older Black people, 363 00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:32,479 Speaker 1: the older black elder, not all of them. So if 364 00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:34,840 Speaker 1: you're listening to your elder I'm not saying everyone, but 365 00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:38,720 Speaker 1: I'm thinking about my experience in the past. Some of 366 00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:41,000 Speaker 1: them have not been open to feedback there they've had 367 00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:44,920 Speaker 1: this sort of energy. If I'm right, you don't give 368 00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:47,040 Speaker 1: me feedback that type of thing. And what I'll say 369 00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:49,399 Speaker 1: to that is that we're in a time where you know, 370 00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:52,840 Speaker 1: things are changing, right, Many of us are evolving, older 371 00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:55,639 Speaker 1: Black people included, are evolving. And so even if you're 372 00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:58,080 Speaker 1: in a situation where you don't think this will work, 373 00:21:58,359 --> 00:22:00,800 Speaker 1: if you've never tried it, you don't know until you try, right, 374 00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:04,919 Speaker 1: and especially if you go in with intentionality and you 375 00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:06,760 Speaker 1: go on with tools. Not to say that it's going 376 00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:08,359 Speaker 1: to work every time, because I still have people in 377 00:22:08,359 --> 00:22:10,359 Speaker 1: my family and in my life where I know if 378 00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:12,000 Speaker 1: I tried to do this it would not be a 379 00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:14,760 Speaker 1: positive situation. It probably would not work out because that 380 00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:16,800 Speaker 1: person is where they are, and a lot of times 381 00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:20,000 Speaker 1: there may be some personality disorders or some mental health 382 00:22:20,119 --> 00:22:23,359 Speaker 1: challenges or some other things that are going on in 383 00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:25,199 Speaker 1: their world that are causing them to show up in 384 00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:27,960 Speaker 1: that way, at least in my experience. But kind of 385 00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:30,080 Speaker 1: going back to what you said around timing and setting 386 00:22:30,119 --> 00:22:31,879 Speaker 1: the table, I took a couple of notes here. One 387 00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:34,920 Speaker 1: of the things I thought about is how it's important 388 00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:37,359 Speaker 1: to strike while the iron's hot, but also be mindful 389 00:22:37,359 --> 00:22:40,080 Speaker 1: of the timing and like the setting right, because ideally 390 00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:41,879 Speaker 1: you don't want to do this in a space where 391 00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:44,400 Speaker 1: the pert because I'm good, I used to be good 392 00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:46,640 Speaker 1: for doing this, where you have feedback from like five 393 00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:50,119 Speaker 1: months ago, it's like, girl, what day when did this happen? 394 00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:52,040 Speaker 1: So ideally you want to be able to do it 395 00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:55,200 Speaker 1: in a time frame, I mean twenty four hours if possible. 396 00:22:55,720 --> 00:22:58,439 Speaker 1: If possible. Right. Of course, your situation may be unique, 397 00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:00,359 Speaker 1: so do the best you can, but how to make 398 00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:02,320 Speaker 1: sure it is timely so that everyone can kind of 399 00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:05,760 Speaker 1: recall the situation and how it happened. I'm thinking also 400 00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:07,800 Speaker 1: when it comes to timing, you don't want to get 401 00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:10,200 Speaker 1: nobody feedback on their wedding day or at their birthday party, 402 00:23:10,240 --> 00:23:12,719 Speaker 1: because people do stuff like that at their birthday party 403 00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:15,639 Speaker 1: or on vacation. Again, we want to be mindful, right. 404 00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:17,240 Speaker 1: That might be a situation where it's like, Okay, I 405 00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:18,800 Speaker 1: can't do it in twenty four hours, but when we 406 00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:22,000 Speaker 1: get back, I'll do it then, you know. So that's 407 00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:24,280 Speaker 1: something else to consider. And then the other thing I'm 408 00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:27,520 Speaker 1: thinking when it comes to timing is, if possible, it's 409 00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:29,280 Speaker 1: really nice to be able to get you out of 410 00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:31,880 Speaker 1: that sort of ad of the serial positioning where you're 411 00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:35,480 Speaker 1: sitting across from each other, or you're sitting in a 412 00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:37,680 Speaker 1: way where it's just not as invited. So if you 413 00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:40,320 Speaker 1: can go on a walk where you're side by side, right, 414 00:23:40,760 --> 00:23:43,159 Speaker 1: or have a FaceTime rather than a phone call so 415 00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:46,119 Speaker 1: you can get more of that personal connection, that'd be 416 00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:47,760 Speaker 1: kind of neat to explore that as well. 417 00:23:49,119 --> 00:23:54,760 Speaker 2: So what I would say to that also is generally 418 00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:59,879 Speaker 2: they I like that twenty four hour rule, right, Yeah, 419 00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:04,120 Speaker 2: But I also think about from the therapy perspective when 420 00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:07,840 Speaker 2: because for me, when I think about giving the feedback, 421 00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:11,680 Speaker 2: what often comes up is I'm sitting with the client 422 00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:19,080 Speaker 2: and they're realizing that perhaps maybe we're processing things from childhood, right, 423 00:24:19,119 --> 00:24:23,120 Speaker 2: and so clearly that's some years that has gone by, right, 424 00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:26,960 Speaker 2: and so twenty four hours have coming gone okay, and 425 00:24:27,160 --> 00:24:29,800 Speaker 2: they're like, I really think it would be important for 426 00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:31,880 Speaker 2: me to talk to my parents about this, or talk 427 00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:36,560 Speaker 2: to this particular elder about this, And so for me 428 00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:40,919 Speaker 2: in those moments, in those instances, I think it's helpful 429 00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:47,320 Speaker 2: to reach out and say, like, hey, there's some things 430 00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:49,560 Speaker 2: that I want to talk to you about, some things 431 00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:50,800 Speaker 2: from the past that i'd. 432 00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:51,480 Speaker 3: Like to revisit. 433 00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:54,760 Speaker 2: When would be a good time for us to have 434 00:24:54,840 --> 00:25:01,359 Speaker 2: this conversation? And so then you're giving them an opportunity 435 00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:05,520 Speaker 2: to choose a time and a place because also you 436 00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:07,919 Speaker 2: want to be mindful of the person who's going to 437 00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:12,280 Speaker 2: be receiving the feedback, and you want while we often 438 00:25:12,320 --> 00:25:15,359 Speaker 2: think about what we need to be comfortable, it's also 439 00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:20,560 Speaker 2: helpful to think about what that person might need, might 440 00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:25,320 Speaker 2: need and so, and even if you can't identify it, 441 00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:29,239 Speaker 2: you can ask, You can say when would be a 442 00:25:29,280 --> 00:25:34,480 Speaker 2: good time and place for us to have this conversation? 443 00:25:34,880 --> 00:25:40,280 Speaker 2: Because I want to make sure that both of us 444 00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:45,360 Speaker 2: feel as comfortable, safe, and ready as possible for it. 445 00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:50,040 Speaker 2: And I know that we can't control all of these factors, 446 00:25:50,359 --> 00:25:55,119 Speaker 2: but to the extent possible, when do you have the 447 00:25:55,200 --> 00:26:00,280 Speaker 2: capacity what's a good place for us to have this conversation? 448 00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:03,920 Speaker 1: I think that it's excellent. Dom And what I would 449 00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:06,080 Speaker 1: add to that is if you say that to this person, 450 00:26:06,119 --> 00:26:08,560 Speaker 1: whoever it might be, be prepared to potentially have the 451 00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:10,800 Speaker 1: conversation right then, because I'm sure you've been in a 452 00:26:10,840 --> 00:26:13,080 Speaker 1: situation where you tell someone that you're like, I want 453 00:26:13,119 --> 00:26:14,560 Speaker 1: to have a conversation, like, well, shit, let's do it 454 00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:16,520 Speaker 1: right now. Because my anxiety, the way my anxiety is 455 00:26:16,520 --> 00:26:18,400 Speaker 1: set up, I don't want to be thinking about when 456 00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:20,200 Speaker 1: the conversation is going to happen and what's going to happen. 457 00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:23,040 Speaker 1: So I've definitely been sort of blindsided in the past, 458 00:26:23,040 --> 00:26:24,240 Speaker 1: and I've done that, and. 459 00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:27,000 Speaker 2: So here's how you handle a blind okay's how you 460 00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:32,440 Speaker 2: handle a blind side. You can say to them, I 461 00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:35,680 Speaker 2: hear you, I'm glad you want to have the conversation. 462 00:26:38,080 --> 00:26:40,760 Speaker 2: I was not prepared for us to have the conversation 463 00:26:41,119 --> 00:26:46,040 Speaker 2: in this moment. If you could give me and you 464 00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:49,280 Speaker 2: be specific, like, maybe how think about how much time 465 00:26:49,359 --> 00:26:53,320 Speaker 2: you might need to settle yourself and say, if you could. 466 00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:57,879 Speaker 3: Give me five minutes, I'll be ready. 467 00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:03,480 Speaker 2: So, just because they are anxious and they're like, in 468 00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:07,399 Speaker 2: this moment, let's do it now, you don't have to. 469 00:27:09,119 --> 00:27:11,880 Speaker 2: You can give yourself a little bit of time now. 470 00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:16,480 Speaker 2: I wouldn't say tell them, well, let's wait two weeks, 471 00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:19,720 Speaker 2: like I wouldn't. That's not I would not suggest that 472 00:27:19,760 --> 00:27:23,040 Speaker 2: I would suggest, still honoring their need to have it 473 00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:28,040 Speaker 2: right then, Yeah, but it doesn't have to be in 474 00:27:28,119 --> 00:27:31,520 Speaker 2: that exact moment. They can wait five minutes because yeah, 475 00:27:31,560 --> 00:27:35,760 Speaker 2: they can wait five minutes. And also you can say 476 00:27:35,800 --> 00:27:40,119 Speaker 2: this is not I sense that you're you're worried, this 477 00:27:40,320 --> 00:27:45,080 Speaker 2: is not something that is urgent or an emergency. 478 00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:49,680 Speaker 3: It's okay if. 479 00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:52,520 Speaker 2: We wait a little while, we don't have to have 480 00:27:52,560 --> 00:27:53,800 Speaker 2: this conversation today. 481 00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:56,640 Speaker 1: Yeah, that's helpful. 482 00:27:56,880 --> 00:28:01,240 Speaker 2: And you can also offer to to tell them a 483 00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:06,200 Speaker 2: little bit about what like give them a general topic like, yeah, 484 00:28:06,640 --> 00:28:11,280 Speaker 2: I want to talk about what happened at my high 485 00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:16,040 Speaker 2: school graduation. M right, Like you can give them a 486 00:28:16,400 --> 00:28:20,880 Speaker 2: like more information without going into the details. 487 00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:24,000 Speaker 1: I like that down because I definitely have felt in 488 00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:26,399 Speaker 1: the past rushed when someone's like, wait, I want to 489 00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:28,439 Speaker 1: know right now, what is it because mine'xiety? I'm like, well, 490 00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:30,960 Speaker 1: damn now I'm anxious because I wasn't ready. But I 491 00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:32,800 Speaker 1: think even letting them know like I just wanted to 492 00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:35,600 Speaker 1: I didn't want to spring this upon you and like 493 00:28:35,640 --> 00:28:37,399 Speaker 1: surprise you. So I wanted to plant the seed so 494 00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:39,680 Speaker 1: that we could be more prepared. So, like you said, 495 00:28:39,680 --> 00:28:42,120 Speaker 1: it's pretending to this thing and then I'm also thinking 496 00:28:42,120 --> 00:28:43,840 Speaker 1: about when it comes to timing, right if you have 497 00:28:43,840 --> 00:28:47,120 Speaker 1: feedback for your kids. Ideally it's like after dinner or 498 00:28:47,160 --> 00:28:48,840 Speaker 1: doing a car ride, and it's not like first thing 499 00:28:48,880 --> 00:28:51,280 Speaker 1: in the morning. I know, I remember waking up in 500 00:28:51,320 --> 00:28:54,200 Speaker 1: such a chaotic household and like you wake up in 501 00:28:54,240 --> 00:28:56,400 Speaker 1: the morning and it's drama, nonsense. It's like, damn, what 502 00:28:56,440 --> 00:28:58,360 Speaker 1: a way to start your day. Like that's just no 503 00:28:58,360 --> 00:29:00,160 Speaker 1: one wants to start their day that way, right, So 504 00:29:00,560 --> 00:29:03,120 Speaker 1: I think that could really be helpful, like waiting at 505 00:29:03,120 --> 00:29:05,960 Speaker 1: the right time, not before they have a presentation or 506 00:29:05,960 --> 00:29:08,760 Speaker 1: there's like a big thing happening for them, because you 507 00:29:08,760 --> 00:29:10,480 Speaker 1: don't want to mess up their energies they go into 508 00:29:10,560 --> 00:29:13,320 Speaker 1: this next event, whatever that thing might be. And then 509 00:29:13,360 --> 00:29:16,480 Speaker 1: with parents, ideally same thing like try not to I 510 00:29:16,520 --> 00:29:19,320 Speaker 1: had someone recently tell me how their partner used to 511 00:29:19,320 --> 00:29:21,680 Speaker 1: call them when they were at work with like drama 512 00:29:21,680 --> 00:29:24,320 Speaker 1: and nonsense, like cussing them out and just trying to 513 00:29:24,440 --> 00:29:26,640 Speaker 1: text them and call them about nonsense when they were 514 00:29:26,680 --> 00:29:28,920 Speaker 1: at the office. It's like, well, damn, let's just be 515 00:29:28,960 --> 00:29:32,640 Speaker 1: a bit more considerate about the timing for everyone involved, 516 00:29:32,680 --> 00:29:37,560 Speaker 1: if possible, right, if possible? So yes, shall we dive 517 00:29:37,680 --> 00:29:38,720 Speaker 1: into number three? 518 00:29:39,160 --> 00:29:39,480 Speaker 3: Yes? 519 00:29:40,520 --> 00:29:44,959 Speaker 1: Okay, so number three is be specific, not sweeping, so 520 00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:48,840 Speaker 1: using clear examples instead of character judgments. I think this 521 00:29:48,920 --> 00:29:50,960 Speaker 1: is a really good one because it is so easy 522 00:29:51,360 --> 00:29:55,320 Speaker 1: to say to someone you're always fill in the blank, right, 523 00:29:55,440 --> 00:29:58,040 Speaker 1: like you're always late, You're always saying this, And when 524 00:29:58,080 --> 00:30:00,600 Speaker 1: you think about it, when we sort of paint things 525 00:30:00,600 --> 00:30:03,200 Speaker 1: and broad strokes in that way, is anyone always something? 526 00:30:03,760 --> 00:30:06,560 Speaker 1: Usually not. They may do it a lot. It may 527 00:30:06,640 --> 00:30:08,160 Speaker 1: be like, damn, you do this the hell look like, 528 00:30:08,240 --> 00:30:10,280 Speaker 1: come on, you do this a lot, right, But like 529 00:30:10,720 --> 00:30:13,800 Speaker 1: saying it in that way or even saying things like 530 00:30:13,920 --> 00:30:17,720 Speaker 1: you are so and then inserting a very offensive adjective, right, 531 00:30:18,120 --> 00:30:20,040 Speaker 1: So it might be better to say something like, when 532 00:30:20,080 --> 00:30:24,080 Speaker 1: you arrived thirty minutes after pickup, I felt anxious, so 533 00:30:24,200 --> 00:30:27,160 Speaker 1: I felt abandoned, you know, or something like that. Really 534 00:30:27,440 --> 00:30:29,800 Speaker 1: going into or leaning into those eye statements that many 535 00:30:29,800 --> 00:30:32,120 Speaker 1: of us have learned about when it comes to conflict 536 00:30:32,200 --> 00:30:35,280 Speaker 1: resolution and you know, owning our feelings, and so I 537 00:30:35,320 --> 00:30:37,000 Speaker 1: think that could be a good one, especially when it 538 00:30:37,040 --> 00:30:41,720 Speaker 1: comes to elders and children and trying to help them 539 00:30:41,760 --> 00:30:44,040 Speaker 1: understand that you're not attacking their person, right, you're not 540 00:30:44,040 --> 00:30:47,480 Speaker 1: attacking them as a person. We're more so addressing behavior 541 00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:52,160 Speaker 1: and separating that, right, because we all have ego, and 542 00:30:52,200 --> 00:30:54,400 Speaker 1: when when the ego gets involved and someone feels attacked 543 00:30:54,440 --> 00:30:56,240 Speaker 1: and they feel like they need to protect and defend, 544 00:30:57,120 --> 00:30:59,480 Speaker 1: things come up right, and it usually is not the 545 00:30:59,560 --> 00:31:02,440 Speaker 1: idea energy that we want in that situation. So I 546 00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:05,080 Speaker 1: think that's also something to keep in mind. Be specific. 547 00:31:05,080 --> 00:31:08,080 Speaker 1: You don't have to jot down a running laundry list 548 00:31:08,080 --> 00:31:09,560 Speaker 1: of all the things, but if you do have one 549 00:31:09,640 --> 00:31:12,040 Speaker 1: or two examples, it might be nice. Like last Friday, 550 00:31:12,080 --> 00:31:14,280 Speaker 1: you know, we were in the we were I don't know, 551 00:31:14,360 --> 00:31:16,560 Speaker 1: having a family meeting, and you said this, it made 552 00:31:16,600 --> 00:31:18,120 Speaker 1: me feel this way or something like that. 553 00:31:19,320 --> 00:31:20,520 Speaker 3: Yes, I think that that's great. 554 00:31:20,560 --> 00:31:25,440 Speaker 2: I I the specificity is so important because the other 555 00:31:25,520 --> 00:31:28,080 Speaker 2: thing is that like, if you're not specific, then they 556 00:31:28,080 --> 00:31:34,040 Speaker 2: don't know exactly what it was that they did right. 557 00:31:34,560 --> 00:31:40,200 Speaker 2: And it may be that this one time they were 558 00:31:40,280 --> 00:31:45,600 Speaker 2: running late because there was a traffic accident, all right, 559 00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:50,840 Speaker 2: and then the next time they were running late it 560 00:31:51,000 --> 00:31:56,800 Speaker 2: truly was because they they mismanaged, truly mismanaged their time, 561 00:31:56,840 --> 00:32:02,960 Speaker 2: and that was their back right. But those may warrant 562 00:32:03,080 --> 00:32:07,040 Speaker 2: those are two different examples, same outcome, they were late, 563 00:32:07,600 --> 00:32:12,760 Speaker 2: but two different examples that may generate different responses from 564 00:32:12,800 --> 00:32:17,360 Speaker 2: them based on when they get that feedback of like, 565 00:32:16,560 --> 00:32:20,720 Speaker 2: you're always late, And for them, the thing that may 566 00:32:20,800 --> 00:32:25,000 Speaker 2: easily come up might be the most recent thing, which 567 00:32:25,080 --> 00:32:25,920 Speaker 2: was because they were. 568 00:32:25,920 --> 00:32:27,880 Speaker 3: Running late because there was a traffic accident. 569 00:32:29,200 --> 00:32:32,520 Speaker 2: And now they're like feeling attacked for something that wasn't 570 00:32:32,520 --> 00:32:37,320 Speaker 2: their fault, and they get defensive or they snap back 571 00:32:37,360 --> 00:32:38,640 Speaker 2: at you, and. 572 00:32:40,960 --> 00:32:42,960 Speaker 3: You don't get the resolution that you're. 573 00:32:42,840 --> 00:32:46,440 Speaker 2: Looking for, right, And so I think it is I 574 00:32:46,480 --> 00:32:51,680 Speaker 2: think specificity can truly be important because it helps to 575 00:32:51,760 --> 00:32:57,640 Speaker 2: truly understand that it's about the behavior and not the 576 00:32:57,680 --> 00:33:00,880 Speaker 2: person themselves. And because I think about like some of 577 00:33:00,920 --> 00:33:08,720 Speaker 2: our some of our elders, and also some of our littles, 578 00:33:08,800 --> 00:33:14,120 Speaker 2: right like some of our littles may often assume because 579 00:33:14,160 --> 00:33:18,240 Speaker 2: they haven't figured out, particularly the littles, they haven't quite 580 00:33:18,280 --> 00:33:23,240 Speaker 2: figured out how to separate a behavior from who they 581 00:33:23,240 --> 00:33:26,560 Speaker 2: are as a person. And so when you provide that 582 00:33:26,640 --> 00:33:30,880 Speaker 2: little the little person with their with that feedback, and 583 00:33:30,960 --> 00:33:35,959 Speaker 2: you don't give a clear example, then their assumption is, 584 00:33:37,080 --> 00:33:43,160 Speaker 2: mommy thinks I'm an awful person. When no, Mommy was 585 00:33:43,240 --> 00:33:49,080 Speaker 2: giving you feedback that your room is constantly in chaos, 586 00:33:51,120 --> 00:33:56,320 Speaker 2: and it's not helpful when your room is constantly in 587 00:33:56,400 --> 00:33:59,720 Speaker 2: chaos because you are losing things, and then it makes 588 00:33:59,800 --> 00:34:03,440 Speaker 2: mind mommy late for work in the morning because she 589 00:34:03,560 --> 00:34:05,720 Speaker 2: has to come and help you find the things that 590 00:34:05,760 --> 00:34:07,720 Speaker 2: you need to get ready for school in the morning. 591 00:34:08,680 --> 00:34:14,759 Speaker 2: But if mommy says you're a slob, your room is 592 00:34:14,840 --> 00:34:18,000 Speaker 2: your room is always a mess. The baby's not hearing that. 593 00:34:18,040 --> 00:34:21,520 Speaker 2: The baby's hearing. What the baby truly is hearing is 594 00:34:21,600 --> 00:34:25,200 Speaker 2: mommy thinks I'm a slob. Mommy thinks I'm an awful 595 00:34:25,280 --> 00:34:27,000 Speaker 2: person because I'm a slob. 596 00:34:27,320 --> 00:34:30,400 Speaker 1: And I'm not good enough, and I'm yes. 597 00:34:30,360 --> 00:34:33,160 Speaker 2: And I'm not, and so it starts a whole process, 598 00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:39,120 Speaker 2: right yep. When in reality, the feedback that baby girl 599 00:34:39,160 --> 00:34:44,440 Speaker 2: needs to receive is when your room is in the 600 00:34:44,480 --> 00:34:48,440 Speaker 2: state that it's in, it slows down our morning routine. 601 00:34:49,719 --> 00:34:57,439 Speaker 2: Let's work together to figure out how we can get 602 00:34:57,480 --> 00:35:01,720 Speaker 2: your room in a better space, more organized space. 603 00:35:03,800 --> 00:35:05,600 Speaker 3: But then that's also feedback. 604 00:35:05,120 --> 00:35:09,960 Speaker 2: For mommy in there may be something else going on 605 00:35:10,320 --> 00:35:15,960 Speaker 2: with our little that needs to be, something deeper that 606 00:35:16,040 --> 00:35:17,040 Speaker 2: needs to be addressed. 607 00:35:18,160 --> 00:35:21,000 Speaker 3: All right, so that takes us to. 608 00:35:22,480 --> 00:35:25,080 Speaker 2: Our fourth one, right, and I kind of gave it 609 00:35:25,480 --> 00:35:28,040 Speaker 2: like in my example of how to talk to our 610 00:35:28,120 --> 00:35:33,680 Speaker 2: little like, I kind of demonstrated this, and that's balancing 611 00:35:33,920 --> 00:35:42,279 Speaker 2: truth with compassion. That how we deliver the information is 612 00:35:42,719 --> 00:35:49,160 Speaker 2: just as important as the information itself. Right, that it's 613 00:35:49,239 --> 00:35:54,239 Speaker 2: helpful to use eye statements, so the ones we typically 614 00:35:54,280 --> 00:36:01,440 Speaker 2: think of is I felt hurt when this happened, instead 615 00:36:01,480 --> 00:36:07,680 Speaker 2: of the you make me feel. Using the eye statements 616 00:36:07,680 --> 00:36:15,960 Speaker 2: allows you to take ownership of how you're feeling, and 617 00:36:17,200 --> 00:36:20,279 Speaker 2: it allows you to deliver it in a way that 618 00:36:20,760 --> 00:36:26,040 Speaker 2: it's still truthful, but balancing it with some compassion for 619 00:36:27,120 --> 00:36:29,759 Speaker 2: this and some understanding that that might not have the 620 00:36:29,960 --> 00:36:33,000 Speaker 2: action might not reflect that person's intent. 621 00:36:33,840 --> 00:36:36,040 Speaker 1: I think you nail that one, Tom. And also I 622 00:36:36,080 --> 00:36:39,960 Speaker 1: think that I don't really know many situations where you 623 00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:43,960 Speaker 1: can give someone feedback and just cussing involved and there's 624 00:36:44,000 --> 00:36:46,520 Speaker 1: gonna be a positive outcome. I just don't see a 625 00:36:46,600 --> 00:36:52,200 Speaker 1: world where that is happening, Like I just no. Yeah, 626 00:36:52,200 --> 00:36:54,680 Speaker 1: if you want to maintain the relationship, like whatever relationship 627 00:36:54,680 --> 00:36:56,919 Speaker 1: it is, hopefully it's definitely not the kids law. Don't 628 00:36:56,920 --> 00:36:59,399 Speaker 1: cuss at the babies. Y'all with the elders, I mean, 629 00:36:59,840 --> 00:37:01,920 Speaker 1: I don't know. I just don't see a positive outcome. 630 00:37:02,000 --> 00:37:06,440 Speaker 1: So in balancing truth with compassion, I just would say, 631 00:37:06,480 --> 00:37:09,840 Speaker 1: we didn't really state that explicitly here, but we should 632 00:37:09,840 --> 00:37:14,120 Speaker 1: probably just shy away from using curse words when we're 633 00:37:14,120 --> 00:37:15,920 Speaker 1: giving feedback. I just don't think it'll be helpful at 634 00:37:15,920 --> 00:37:19,319 Speaker 1: all when it comes to the ideal outcome. So that's 635 00:37:19,320 --> 00:37:22,279 Speaker 1: it out add there, Tom. Have you had any conversations 636 00:37:22,320 --> 00:37:24,000 Speaker 1: that you can think of or you've had to soften 637 00:37:24,080 --> 00:37:26,520 Speaker 1: the feedback out of fear of disrespect? 638 00:37:27,520 --> 00:37:30,160 Speaker 2: You can think, I mean when you say the not 639 00:37:30,239 --> 00:37:32,600 Speaker 2: that we can't, not that we don't respect the littles, 640 00:37:33,120 --> 00:37:36,400 Speaker 2: but I immediate as soon as you said disrespect, I 641 00:37:36,440 --> 00:37:39,400 Speaker 2: thought about elders. And because the elders are usually the 642 00:37:39,400 --> 00:37:44,960 Speaker 2: one to say, oh you were disrespected, that's disrespectful. You 643 00:37:45,080 --> 00:37:51,080 Speaker 2: disrespected me by saying that. I can think of examples. 644 00:37:51,520 --> 00:37:57,239 Speaker 2: I can think of an example where I received the 645 00:37:57,600 --> 00:38:01,840 Speaker 2: feedback secondhand, wa, what do you mean that? 646 00:38:02,200 --> 00:38:02,680 Speaker 3: Okay, So. 647 00:38:04,120 --> 00:38:07,400 Speaker 2: I had a conversation with an elder where I provided 648 00:38:07,440 --> 00:38:11,200 Speaker 2: them with feedback, right, and. 649 00:38:12,680 --> 00:38:13,480 Speaker 1: I thought. 650 00:38:14,760 --> 00:38:17,680 Speaker 3: Conversation went well, right, Like I thought that I. 651 00:38:17,840 --> 00:38:23,920 Speaker 2: Used most of these tools in navigating this conversation second hand. 652 00:38:25,160 --> 00:38:31,880 Speaker 2: Later on, Okay, I received feedback that the conversation that 653 00:38:31,920 --> 00:38:35,240 Speaker 2: I had with that elder was perceived by that elder 654 00:38:35,360 --> 00:38:36,680 Speaker 2: as disrespectful. 655 00:38:37,360 --> 00:38:37,839 Speaker 1: Got you. 656 00:38:39,880 --> 00:38:41,960 Speaker 3: Because I provided them with feedback. 657 00:38:43,920 --> 00:38:48,160 Speaker 2: My response to that was we should all be open 658 00:38:48,719 --> 00:38:52,239 Speaker 2: to receiving feedback. Yes, And if there was something that 659 00:38:52,280 --> 00:38:56,520 Speaker 2: I said that was offensive, I'm open to hearing that 660 00:38:56,560 --> 00:39:01,040 Speaker 2: it was offensive to what would have been perceived as 661 00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:05,520 Speaker 2: receive received as offensive. But if I'm being told that 662 00:39:05,560 --> 00:39:08,960 Speaker 2: it's disrespectful because it was truthful. 663 00:39:09,600 --> 00:39:11,560 Speaker 1: And it hurt their feelings and they won't hear. 664 00:39:11,440 --> 00:39:14,799 Speaker 2: It and they weren't ready to receive it, that's a 665 00:39:14,840 --> 00:39:15,839 Speaker 2: whole different thing. 666 00:39:15,920 --> 00:39:16,719 Speaker 3: And that's not on me. 667 00:39:17,600 --> 00:39:21,759 Speaker 1: Yes, that is so good. Oh, I love that. Thank 668 00:39:21,760 --> 00:39:25,680 Speaker 1: you for sharing that example. Yeah, I'm just processing that. Okay, Yeah, 669 00:39:25,680 --> 00:39:27,480 Speaker 1: that was a really good example. All right. Now. 670 00:39:27,960 --> 00:39:30,759 Speaker 2: So and our elders, I mean, and you know, and 671 00:39:31,040 --> 00:39:33,160 Speaker 2: like you, like you said earlier, our elders come from 672 00:39:33,160 --> 00:39:35,440 Speaker 2: a different generation and some of them struggle with that 673 00:39:35,480 --> 00:39:39,399 Speaker 2: because that wasn't something and to be quite honest, some 674 00:39:39,440 --> 00:39:42,160 Speaker 2: of us in our generation struggle with that because that 675 00:39:42,280 --> 00:39:43,360 Speaker 2: wasn't something that. 676 00:39:43,239 --> 00:39:44,760 Speaker 3: We were taught. 677 00:39:46,239 --> 00:39:50,359 Speaker 2: That it was okay to give and receive. But I 678 00:39:50,400 --> 00:39:59,040 Speaker 2: appreciate this new generation in their willingness to give and 679 00:39:59,200 --> 00:40:02,400 Speaker 2: receive fee back. But I think that the key is 680 00:40:03,719 --> 00:40:06,239 Speaker 2: this conversation, this piece of the conversation I we're having 681 00:40:06,239 --> 00:40:11,120 Speaker 2: today about how to deliver it in a way that, 682 00:40:12,880 --> 00:40:15,560 Speaker 2: like we said, balance is truth with compassion. 683 00:40:16,520 --> 00:40:18,319 Speaker 1: I love that you pointed that out, Don, because that 684 00:40:18,360 --> 00:40:22,280 Speaker 1: hasn't that wasn't the norm for many of our elders 685 00:40:22,320 --> 00:40:24,319 Speaker 1: and those that came before us. That feedback loop. Like 686 00:40:24,360 --> 00:40:26,520 Speaker 1: young people, a lot of us heard growing up like 687 00:40:26,560 --> 00:40:28,279 Speaker 1: you are to be seen and not heard, right, And 688 00:40:28,360 --> 00:40:31,120 Speaker 1: so I think a lot of them still subscribe to that. 689 00:40:31,360 --> 00:40:34,000 Speaker 1: Many of some of them still subscribe to that belief. 690 00:40:34,280 --> 00:40:35,840 Speaker 1: And so it's not to shame them. It's just that 691 00:40:35,960 --> 00:40:37,719 Speaker 1: times are changing and it's important for us to have 692 00:40:37,760 --> 00:40:40,960 Speaker 1: these conversations. And also, girls, I get older, I'm already 693 00:40:40,960 --> 00:40:43,640 Speaker 1: in the auntie realm. I guess. I guess I've been 694 00:40:43,640 --> 00:40:46,560 Speaker 1: recruiting to the auntie. Yes, so it's not and some 695 00:40:46,560 --> 00:40:50,359 Speaker 1: people might say I'm an elder, you know, Tea, it's debatable, right, 696 00:40:50,360 --> 00:40:51,600 Speaker 1: But like when I get to that stage when I 697 00:40:51,640 --> 00:40:54,000 Speaker 1: am as I continue to age, I want to be 698 00:40:54,120 --> 00:40:56,600 Speaker 1: an elder that is open to feedback as well. I 699 00:40:56,600 --> 00:40:58,719 Speaker 1: don't want to just think, oh, because I live this 700 00:40:58,800 --> 00:41:02,160 Speaker 1: amount of years, would I say goals like that? I 701 00:41:02,160 --> 00:41:04,799 Speaker 1: think that's how we start growing. And so it's so 702 00:41:04,840 --> 00:41:07,680 Speaker 1: important for us to all to at least attempt to 703 00:41:07,719 --> 00:41:09,960 Speaker 1: be open to feedback, you know, especially when it's like 704 00:41:10,320 --> 00:41:12,520 Speaker 1: constructive feedback that can develop us and help us with 705 00:41:12,560 --> 00:41:16,839 Speaker 1: our growth. Yeah, ok, let'stop its number five, y'all. Number 706 00:41:16,880 --> 00:41:21,120 Speaker 1: five is all for what you need going forward. This 707 00:41:21,200 --> 00:41:23,719 Speaker 1: is such a great one. And ideally when you are looking, 708 00:41:23,760 --> 00:41:26,040 Speaker 1: like when you are listening to this and looking at 709 00:41:26,040 --> 00:41:28,440 Speaker 1: the show notes and you're seeing the tips here, you 710 00:41:28,480 --> 00:41:31,319 Speaker 1: can strategize and view them all and kind of create 711 00:41:31,360 --> 00:41:33,359 Speaker 1: your plan before you go in. Right, So I think 712 00:41:33,400 --> 00:41:35,160 Speaker 1: this kind of ties to the why you have the 713 00:41:35,160 --> 00:41:37,520 Speaker 1: why for the conversation, and then you're getting clear on 714 00:41:37,560 --> 00:41:40,160 Speaker 1: like what do I even want here? Like end your 715 00:41:40,200 --> 00:41:44,400 Speaker 1: feedback ideally with a clear, hopeful request, right? Is it 716 00:41:44,480 --> 00:41:49,160 Speaker 1: in an apology? Is it changed behavior? Ideally? Provide an 717 00:41:49,160 --> 00:41:51,799 Speaker 1: example and if you don't know, try to sit with 718 00:41:51,840 --> 00:41:53,920 Speaker 1: yourself and get clear on Okay, if this were to 719 00:41:53,920 --> 00:41:55,880 Speaker 1: happen next time we were to have the same interaction, 720 00:41:56,239 --> 00:41:58,480 Speaker 1: how would I want them to show up? Ideally, right, 721 00:41:58,520 --> 00:42:01,520 Speaker 1: Because the great thing about when you can provide someone 722 00:42:01,560 --> 00:42:04,279 Speaker 1: with that feedback, it gives them something to shoot for, 723 00:42:04,560 --> 00:42:06,960 Speaker 1: so they're not just like, Okay, well you told me this, 724 00:42:07,160 --> 00:42:09,239 Speaker 1: Like now what? So it might be like, next time, 725 00:42:09,280 --> 00:42:12,040 Speaker 1: can we talk before a decision is made? Right? Or 726 00:42:12,080 --> 00:42:15,600 Speaker 1: can we both agree to put phones down during family time? 727 00:42:15,640 --> 00:42:18,160 Speaker 1: Whatever it might be. So I think it's really important 728 00:42:18,160 --> 00:42:18,920 Speaker 1: to get clear on that. 729 00:42:20,280 --> 00:42:25,640 Speaker 2: Yeah, I think I love that idea because sometimes when 730 00:42:25,640 --> 00:42:27,759 Speaker 2: we go into the feedback and we don't know what 731 00:42:27,800 --> 00:42:32,600 Speaker 2: we want next, we feel stuck when the person asks, 732 00:42:32,920 --> 00:42:34,279 Speaker 2: all right, so what do we do now? 733 00:42:35,400 --> 00:42:37,239 Speaker 3: And then it's like, well, what do you. 734 00:42:39,560 --> 00:42:43,200 Speaker 2: What was the point of us having this conversation exactly 735 00:42:44,320 --> 00:42:47,359 Speaker 2: outside of you wanted me to have the information, right, 736 00:42:47,440 --> 00:42:49,680 Speaker 2: And so going back to what I had mentioned earlier, 737 00:42:49,760 --> 00:42:54,560 Speaker 2: sometimes that might be the point, right, is that I 738 00:42:54,600 --> 00:42:58,640 Speaker 2: really don't need anything else from you going forward. I 739 00:42:59,000 --> 00:43:03,239 Speaker 2: needed you to be a where that what you said 740 00:43:03,280 --> 00:43:06,200 Speaker 2: or did had this impact. 741 00:43:07,200 --> 00:43:08,759 Speaker 1: I feel like in that situation, don it would be 742 00:43:08,840 --> 00:43:11,000 Speaker 1: like don't do that again. Ideally, like that would be 743 00:43:11,040 --> 00:43:13,600 Speaker 1: the you know, that will be the ask. Maybe don't 744 00:43:13,600 --> 00:43:14,800 Speaker 1: say it in that way, but like that would be 745 00:43:14,840 --> 00:43:16,960 Speaker 1: the ask, right, like tinage your behavior? 746 00:43:17,080 --> 00:43:21,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, yes, yes, And but for some people they're not 747 00:43:21,239 --> 00:43:27,080 Speaker 2: they're not there yet to say or to even recognize 748 00:43:27,280 --> 00:43:30,120 Speaker 2: I don't want this to happen again. They may still 749 00:43:30,160 --> 00:43:33,080 Speaker 2: be in that phase of simply I just needed you 750 00:43:33,120 --> 00:43:34,600 Speaker 2: to know, okay. 751 00:43:35,920 --> 00:43:42,399 Speaker 3: And so what that does, though, is leaves room to. 752 00:43:42,520 --> 00:43:45,880 Speaker 2: Say, can we revisit this. 753 00:43:47,680 --> 00:43:49,160 Speaker 3: If something else comes up? 754 00:43:49,880 --> 00:43:52,840 Speaker 2: Right, And that's for either person to say that, and 755 00:43:53,360 --> 00:43:56,840 Speaker 2: and so then what that what that does is if. 756 00:43:58,160 --> 00:44:00,239 Speaker 3: Two weeks later, or. 757 00:44:00,200 --> 00:44:03,839 Speaker 2: Hell even two hours later, you're reflecting on the conversation 758 00:44:04,560 --> 00:44:08,160 Speaker 2: and you're like, wait, I spend all that time telling 759 00:44:08,200 --> 00:44:14,640 Speaker 2: them what I want, that what I was feeling, But really, yeah, 760 00:44:14,800 --> 00:44:20,000 Speaker 2: I do need them to not do this again. Hmmm 761 00:44:21,000 --> 00:44:24,359 Speaker 2: all right, let me Yeah, I need to revisit this, right. So, 762 00:44:24,440 --> 00:44:27,360 Speaker 2: because sometimes we're in a space where we don't know 763 00:44:28,000 --> 00:44:31,839 Speaker 2: what we need moving forward. And so while it is 764 00:44:31,960 --> 00:44:37,080 Speaker 2: helpful to think about that going into the conversation, I 765 00:44:37,120 --> 00:44:41,480 Speaker 2: don't think that it's an absolute requirement to know. 766 00:44:41,560 --> 00:44:45,120 Speaker 3: That going into it, for sure. And also. 767 00:44:47,000 --> 00:44:50,120 Speaker 2: There may be things that you identify in that moment, 768 00:44:51,239 --> 00:44:53,759 Speaker 2: but other things come up when you reflect. So let's 769 00:44:53,800 --> 00:44:57,640 Speaker 2: say that you you put in your request of you 770 00:44:57,640 --> 00:45:03,560 Speaker 2: know you, when you did a B, my feelings were hurt. 771 00:45:04,960 --> 00:45:08,560 Speaker 3: Moving forward? Could you not do a D and C? 772 00:45:09,520 --> 00:45:10,960 Speaker 3: And then you have some time. 773 00:45:10,800 --> 00:45:15,880 Speaker 2: To reflect and you're like, hmm, maybe it would be 774 00:45:16,120 --> 00:45:26,600 Speaker 2: helpful if we both did DF right, and so then 775 00:45:26,719 --> 00:45:29,960 Speaker 2: that's an opportunity to revisit and to say, hey, I've 776 00:45:30,000 --> 00:45:30,760 Speaker 2: had some time. 777 00:45:31,600 --> 00:45:34,919 Speaker 3: I was reflecting on our conversation and. 778 00:45:35,320 --> 00:45:37,839 Speaker 2: Based on what we talked about, here's something else that 779 00:45:37,920 --> 00:45:40,719 Speaker 2: came up for me that I think might be even 780 00:45:40,880 --> 00:45:45,800 Speaker 2: more helpful for deepening our relationship. 781 00:45:46,160 --> 00:45:49,879 Speaker 1: I love that. Awesome. Awesome. Should we do a quick 782 00:45:49,920 --> 00:45:51,880 Speaker 1: recap and then do the after show because Lady, in 783 00:45:51,920 --> 00:45:54,520 Speaker 1: the after show, we want to cover a few ways 784 00:45:54,520 --> 00:45:57,400 Speaker 1: that you can handle when the feedback goes wrong, so 785 00:45:57,440 --> 00:45:59,520 Speaker 1: when the person is like not here for it, it's 786 00:45:59,560 --> 00:46:01,640 Speaker 1: not a positive experience. We're going to go into the 787 00:46:01,680 --> 00:46:04,239 Speaker 1: after show after this to share some tips there. So 788 00:46:04,280 --> 00:46:06,960 Speaker 1: you can visit her space podcast dot com, click anywhere 789 00:46:06,960 --> 00:46:09,799 Speaker 1: you see Patreon, and you can subscribe to the after 790 00:46:09,840 --> 00:46:12,560 Speaker 1: show to also see the video of the episode as well. 791 00:46:13,520 --> 00:46:14,799 Speaker 3: All right, love to do it? 792 00:46:14,920 --> 00:46:15,399 Speaker 1: So yes. 793 00:46:16,640 --> 00:46:25,720 Speaker 2: Our tips for how to give feedback. One, think about 794 00:46:25,719 --> 00:46:27,000 Speaker 2: the heart behind. 795 00:46:26,680 --> 00:46:31,439 Speaker 3: The feedback, so what is your why? Number two. 796 00:46:32,360 --> 00:46:35,560 Speaker 2: Be mindful of the timing and how you set the 797 00:46:35,600 --> 00:46:41,759 Speaker 2: table for the conversation. Number three, be specific and not 798 00:46:42,120 --> 00:46:49,560 Speaker 2: sweeping in the examples that you provide. Number four, balance 799 00:46:49,680 --> 00:46:56,960 Speaker 2: the truth with compassion, and number five offer what you 800 00:46:57,160 --> 00:47:02,360 Speaker 2: need going forward. All ur lady, we will see you 801 00:47:02,560 --> 00:47:03,959 Speaker 2: in the after show. 802 00:47:05,440 --> 00:47:08,440 Speaker 4: It's doctor dom here from the Cultivating her Space podcast. 803 00:47:09,360 --> 00:47:12,319 Speaker 4: Are you currently a resident of the state of California 804 00:47:13,040 --> 00:47:18,040 Speaker 4: and contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well, if so, please 805 00:47:18,160 --> 00:47:22,000 Speaker 4: reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com. 806 00:47:22,440 --> 00:47:27,439 Speaker 4: That's d R D O M I N I q 807 00:47:27,640 --> 00:47:32,080 Speaker 4: U E B R O U S s ar d 808 00:47:32,680 --> 00:47:37,040 Speaker 4: dot com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. 809 00:47:37,600 --> 00:47:41,760 Speaker 2: I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks for tuning 810 00:47:41,840 --> 00:47:46,160 Speaker 2: into Cultivating her Space. Remember that while this podcast is 811 00:47:46,200 --> 00:47:50,960 Speaker 2: all about healing, empowerment, and resilience, it's not a substitute 812 00:47:51,000 --> 00:47:55,120 Speaker 2: for therapy. If you or someone you know needs support, 813 00:47:55,600 --> 00:48:00,080 Speaker 2: check out resources like Therapy for Black Girls for Psychology Today. 814 00:48:00,680 --> 00:48:03,680 Speaker 2: If you love today's episode, Do us a favor and 815 00:48:03,760 --> 00:48:07,000 Speaker 2: share it with a friend who needs some inspiration, or 816 00:48:07,640 --> 00:48:11,080 Speaker 2: leave us a quick five star review. Your support means 817 00:48:11,080 --> 00:48:14,160 Speaker 2: the world to us and helps keep this space thriving. 818 00:48:14,719 --> 00:48:19,440 Speaker 1: And before we meet again, repeat after me. I release 819 00:48:19,520 --> 00:48:23,120 Speaker 1: the old with gratitude and prepare for the new with intention. 820 00:48:24,600 --> 00:48:27,719 Speaker 1: Keep thriving, Lady, and tune in next Friday for more 821 00:48:27,800 --> 00:48:32,399 Speaker 1: inspiration from cultivating her Space. In the meantime, be sure 822 00:48:32,400 --> 00:48:36,000 Speaker 1: to connect with us on Instagram at her Space Podcast.