WEBVTT - I'm Drowning in Too Much Work 0:00:03.560 --> 0:00:05.840 My colleagues. We'll stop commenting on everything I get my 0:00:05.880 --> 0:00:08.840 assistant roses at people and meeting. Why does my coworker 0:00:08.920 --> 0:00:11.240 keep taking credit for all my ideas? Have any wisdom 0:00:11.280 --> 0:00:14.319 for me? Hi, I'm Alison Green. Welcome to the Aska 0:00:14.400 --> 0:00:18.640 Manager Podcast. Right answer questions from listeners about life at work, 0:00:19.120 --> 0:00:21.080 everything from what to say if you're allergic to your 0:00:21.079 --> 0:00:23.599 coworkers perfume to what to do if you drink too 0:00:23.680 --> 0:00:28.440 much at the company party. Let's get started, Hi, and 0:00:28.480 --> 0:00:31.159 welcome to the show. Today. I'm going to answer a 0:00:31.160 --> 0:00:34.560 bunch of shorter questions from people. The first question today 0:00:34.640 --> 0:00:36.800 is from someone who is dealing with a problem that 0:00:36.840 --> 0:00:39.800 I get a lot of questions about what to do 0:00:39.920 --> 0:00:44.040 when your workload is just way too high. Hi, Allison, 0:00:44.600 --> 0:00:46.960 I just started a new job in November last year 0:00:47.000 --> 0:00:49.760 after being told I had a lot of growth tential, 0:00:49.920 --> 0:00:53.800 and overall that's been really true. We're expanding into previously 0:00:53.880 --> 0:00:57.680 un enters markets. The double Bosters revenue in the last month. 0:00:58.200 --> 0:01:00.319 But you want a half million dollar grant and we've 0:01:00.320 --> 0:01:03.320 tripled our donation. I've already been put through for a 0:01:03.320 --> 0:01:05.959 promotion and that's great and they love me and to 0:01:05.959 --> 0:01:07.960 top it all, lots of people are great, and so 0:01:08.200 --> 0:01:12.440 is our mission. But here's the problem. So everyone is 0:01:12.560 --> 0:01:16.640 chronically overwork. I've been told that this quote unquote isn't 0:01:16.720 --> 0:01:20.039 normal at least fifteen times at this point, and I'm 0:01:20.080 --> 0:01:22.720 honestly starting to feel like this is the new normal. 0:01:23.440 --> 0:01:26.280 I've been working seventy hour weeks and I finally saw 0:01:26.319 --> 0:01:28.160 the lights at the end of the tunnel when I 0:01:28.200 --> 0:01:30.400 asked for help and they took something off my plate. 0:01:30.959 --> 0:01:34.600 That is until yesterday when our leadership decided to move 0:01:34.640 --> 0:01:39.800 forward with another international program next month. I've already passed 0:01:39.800 --> 0:01:41.959 in with my work on to my other Swans colleague, 0:01:42.040 --> 0:01:45.400 but this program requires work sessions once a week after 0:01:46.200 --> 0:01:50.080 normal business hours for seven weeks straight. This could be 0:01:50.120 --> 0:01:52.400 a huge career step for me, but also could be 0:01:52.520 --> 0:01:55.280 the stow that breaks my back and everyone else is 0:01:55.280 --> 0:01:58.040 While we're at it, what's the best way to deal 0:01:58.080 --> 0:02:01.840 with the office that's growing too fat? And maybe more importantly, 0:02:02.080 --> 0:02:05.160 how do I survive and keep my personal life? Thank 0:02:05.200 --> 0:02:08.960 you so much for answering my question. Yeah, so, if 0:02:09.000 --> 0:02:11.800 you've been told this isn't normal for almost a year, 0:02:12.560 --> 0:02:15.519 it is normal, even if it didn't used to be normal. 0:02:15.639 --> 0:02:17.400 They're going to have to face the reality that it 0:02:17.440 --> 0:02:20.799 has become normal. Now. It's one thing to pitch in 0:02:20.919 --> 0:02:24.200 and work longer hours in a temporary pinch, but when 0:02:24.200 --> 0:02:27.359 it's been going on that long, it requires a different approach. 0:02:28.200 --> 0:02:32.120 So how is your relationship with your manager? Because the 0:02:32.160 --> 0:02:34.440 best thing that you can do when you're chronically overworked 0:02:34.560 --> 0:02:37.280 is to sit down with your boss and really illustrate 0:02:37.280 --> 0:02:40.160 for her exactly what's on your plate and how long 0:02:40.160 --> 0:02:43.239 it all takes. Your manager might know that you're doing 0:02:43.280 --> 0:02:46.080 a lot and working long hours, but still not quite 0:02:46.160 --> 0:02:49.560 get the specifics of just how bad it is. And also, 0:02:49.639 --> 0:02:52.400 what I've noticed is that people's tendency in this situation 0:02:52.520 --> 0:02:54.960 is to feel like, well, my boss must know how 0:02:55.000 --> 0:02:57.840 busy I am, and since she still keeps piling work 0:02:57.919 --> 0:03:00.399 on me, she must think it's reasonable, and I guess 0:03:00.400 --> 0:03:01.760 I'm just supposed to find a way to get it 0:03:01.760 --> 0:03:04.760 all done. But on the manager's side, a lot of 0:03:04.760 --> 0:03:07.919 the time, the manager really doesn't realize exactly how bad 0:03:07.919 --> 0:03:10.680 it's gotten and definitely doesn't realize that it's become a 0:03:10.720 --> 0:03:13.919 problem for you. On the manager side, it's really easy 0:03:14.000 --> 0:03:16.320 to assume that everything must be fine if you're not 0:03:16.360 --> 0:03:20.679 speaking up and saying otherwise, And to be clear, that's 0:03:20.680 --> 0:03:24.240 not ideal. Ideally managers would be proactively checking in with 0:03:24.280 --> 0:03:27.519 people to see if everything is really fine. But in reality, 0:03:27.560 --> 0:03:31.080 a lot of otherwise decent managers tend to just assume 0:03:31.120 --> 0:03:33.359 that things are fine if you don't tell them otherwise. 0:03:34.080 --> 0:03:36.880 So sit down and talk with your manager. Pick a 0:03:36.960 --> 0:03:39.840 time when she's not rushed. Explain that you've been working 0:03:39.880 --> 0:03:42.600 seventy hour weeks and it's not sustainable because you don't 0:03:42.600 --> 0:03:45.200 want to burn out. Say that you started working those 0:03:45.200 --> 0:03:46.960 hours when you thought it would just be temporary, but 0:03:47.000 --> 0:03:48.880 it's been going on for close to a year at 0:03:48.920 --> 0:03:51.160 this point, and that you need to take a fresh 0:03:51.160 --> 0:03:53.720 look at your workload and figure out a different approach, 0:03:54.080 --> 0:03:56.000 and that this isn't just about moving one thing off 0:03:56.040 --> 0:03:59.400 your plate or a few small things that you really 0:03:59.400 --> 0:04:02.680 needed a different approach in a larger way. And be 0:04:02.840 --> 0:04:05.360 really explicit if you need to, about the things that 0:04:05.400 --> 0:04:07.040 are on your plate that take up the most time 0:04:07.080 --> 0:04:10.360 and how long they take, because sometimes your manager really 0:04:10.440 --> 0:04:13.440 might not know that something takes hours rather than a 0:04:13.440 --> 0:04:15.560 shorter time. She might be assuming it's quicker than it 0:04:15.600 --> 0:04:18.760 really is, so make sure you're not assuming that she 0:04:18.839 --> 0:04:23.160 knows what you know. Spell it out, and then suggest options. So, 0:04:23.240 --> 0:04:25.159 for example, you might say, well, I can do A 0:04:25.279 --> 0:04:27.560 and B, but I can't do C. Or if C 0:04:27.839 --> 0:04:29.680 is really important, then I would need to move A 0:04:29.880 --> 0:04:32.440 off of my plate to make room for it. Or 0:04:32.480 --> 0:04:35.040 I could act as an advisor to someone else and see, 0:04:35.440 --> 0:04:37.920 but I can't do C myself if I'm also doing 0:04:37.960 --> 0:04:40.880 A and B. Another way to approach it that can 0:04:40.880 --> 0:04:43.919 be really effective is to decide how many hours a 0:04:43.960 --> 0:04:46.760 week is reasonable for you to be working. It sounds 0:04:46.760 --> 0:04:49.520 like in your field it might not be forty but 0:04:49.560 --> 0:04:52.880 maybe it's forty five. Whatever it is, write down what 0:04:53.000 --> 0:04:55.560 that would look like. Let's say that you decide, yes, 0:04:55.600 --> 0:04:57.920 you'll work forty five hours a week, that's what's sustainable 0:04:57.960 --> 0:05:01.039 for you. Write down everything that you'll be able to 0:05:01.080 --> 0:05:03.320 do in that amount of time, and then make a 0:05:03.360 --> 0:05:05.200 list of all of the things that will not be 0:05:05.279 --> 0:05:08.440 getting done under that plan. That doesn't mean that every 0:05:08.480 --> 0:05:10.520 week you're going to be really rigid about working forty 0:05:10.560 --> 0:05:12.280 five and you'll never go over it, but you want 0:05:12.279 --> 0:05:15.320 your plan to represent what you will typically be doing 0:05:15.400 --> 0:05:17.920 in an average week, and then bring that to this 0:05:18.040 --> 0:05:20.440 meeting and show it to your boss, because that is 0:05:20.480 --> 0:05:24.760 a really good way of illustrating in very realistic, stark terms, 0:05:24.839 --> 0:05:27.800 how out of control your workload has gotten, what would 0:05:27.839 --> 0:05:31.080 actually be reasonable, and what the difference is between those 0:05:31.080 --> 0:05:34.440 two things. The outcome that you want here is for 0:05:34.520 --> 0:05:36.400 you and your boss to get you close to that 0:05:36.440 --> 0:05:39.720 forty five hours, and that might mean jointly deciding some 0:05:39.800 --> 0:05:41.479 things aren't going to get done at all, you know, 0:05:41.560 --> 0:05:45.320 literally canceling projects or back burnering them. Or she might 0:05:45.400 --> 0:05:47.000 move some of your stuff to someone else. So though 0:05:47.000 --> 0:05:49.280 it doesn't sound like there's there's someone else to give 0:05:49.360 --> 0:05:51.520 it to you, maybe she needs to bring an attempt 0:05:51.640 --> 0:05:54.160 or make a case for a new hire, or who knows. 0:05:54.200 --> 0:05:56.560 But the point is, the solution can't just be that 0:05:56.640 --> 0:05:59.640 you just do it all. When all is the equivalent 0:05:59.680 --> 0:06:03.840 of nearly two full time jobs, that's not reasonable. Sometimes organizations, 0:06:03.920 --> 0:06:06.600 especially nonprofits, and since you mentioned donations and grants and 0:06:06.680 --> 0:06:10.240 betting that you're at a nonprofit organization, sometimes it is 0:06:10.320 --> 0:06:12.960 really easy in that context to feel like every time 0:06:13.000 --> 0:06:14.359 we think of a good idea, we're just going to 0:06:14.400 --> 0:06:15.960 find a way to do it. But there is a 0:06:15.960 --> 0:06:18.360 point where it's not realistic, and where you will start 0:06:18.400 --> 0:06:21.520 giving short shrift to other things and doing things poorly 0:06:21.560 --> 0:06:23.440 and burning out your staff, which will lead to very 0:06:23.480 --> 0:06:26.839 high turnover. It's not a sustainable way to operate. You 0:06:26.839 --> 0:06:28.400 can get away with it for a few months, you 0:06:28.440 --> 0:06:30.800 can't really get away with it for for longer term 0:06:30.839 --> 0:06:33.159 than that, and so you might need to be the 0:06:33.240 --> 0:06:37.240 one who really points out what your workload looks like. Now. 0:06:37.320 --> 0:06:40.240 If your manager is resistant to doing this, then you 0:06:40.240 --> 0:06:43.520 want to say something like this. I hear you that 0:06:43.520 --> 0:06:45.280 we want to get it all done, but since I'm 0:06:45.320 --> 0:06:46.760 never going to be able to get to all of it, 0:06:46.880 --> 0:06:49.840 I want to make strategic choices about how I should 0:06:49.839 --> 0:06:52.440 be structuring my time and make sure that you and 0:06:52.480 --> 0:06:55.520 I are aligned on what those choices are. Because that 0:06:55.720 --> 0:06:57.760 is true, Something is going to fall through the cracks 0:06:57.800 --> 0:06:59.960 when your workload is the side, and it's much better 0:07:00.000 --> 0:07:03.400 are to choose those things deliberately rather than having them 0:07:03.480 --> 0:07:06.080 chosen by default when you just end up forgetting something 0:07:06.279 --> 0:07:08.280 or just can't get to something for lack of time. 0:07:09.920 --> 0:07:12.840 If your manager won't help you prioritize, then I would 0:07:12.880 --> 0:07:14.560 come up with your own proposal for what you will 0:07:14.600 --> 0:07:16.720 and won't prioritize and ask her to tweak it or 0:07:16.760 --> 0:07:20.560 okay it. And then after this conversation you're going to 0:07:20.640 --> 0:07:24.040 have to be really vigilant about enforcing boundaries. If you're 0:07:24.080 --> 0:07:26.640 asked to take on something new, you're going to either 0:07:26.680 --> 0:07:28.760 need to get rid of something or you're gonna have 0:07:28.800 --> 0:07:30.960 to push something else way back. So if a new 0:07:31.000 --> 0:07:32.720 project comes your way, you'd want to go to your 0:07:32.760 --> 0:07:35.120 boss and ask about trade offs and say something like, 0:07:35.520 --> 0:07:37.320 if I work on this now, it means that A 0:07:37.400 --> 0:07:38.800 and B will have to be pushed back by at 0:07:38.840 --> 0:07:41.000 least a couple of months. Is that okay to do? 0:07:41.240 --> 0:07:43.360 Or should we put this new work on hold until 0:07:43.400 --> 0:07:46.200 A and B are finished first? Or it might be 0:07:46.280 --> 0:07:48.800 something like I can do this new project and A, 0:07:49.760 --> 0:07:52.200 or this new project and B, but not all three 0:07:52.200 --> 0:07:55.640 of them in the time frame that we have and last, 0:07:55.720 --> 0:07:58.280 and this is really important. This approach will work with 0:07:58.280 --> 0:08:00.920 a reasonable manager, one who is able to look at 0:08:00.960 --> 0:08:03.240 the reality of the situation when you lay it out 0:08:03.320 --> 0:08:07.480 this clearly and proceed accordingly. But not every manager is 0:08:07.480 --> 0:08:09.800 a good manager, and so if yours won't help and 0:08:09.880 --> 0:08:11.560 just tells you to, you know, get it all done, 0:08:12.320 --> 0:08:14.320 then In that case, you need to be realistic with 0:08:14.360 --> 0:08:17.880 yourself that this isn't likely to change at this organization, 0:08:17.960 --> 0:08:20.200 and then you'd have to decide are you still interested 0:08:20.240 --> 0:08:23.760 in staying? Knowing that but having this kind of very 0:08:23.880 --> 0:08:28.120 very explicit conversation is the first step. Okay, here is 0:08:28.200 --> 0:08:33.040 the next question. Hi, I'm wondering it's after eighteen years 0:08:33.080 --> 0:08:39.439 and hiring and training people, is they are promoted past 0:08:39.520 --> 0:08:43.920 too and you have more education and experience? What does 0:08:43.960 --> 0:08:49.000 that mean when it happens seven times? So that probably 0:08:49.040 --> 0:08:51.920 means you're never going to be promoted at that particular organization. 0:08:51.960 --> 0:08:54.719 I'm sorry to say. You've been there eighteen years, you've 0:08:54.720 --> 0:08:57.720 been passed over seven times. For whatever reason, they're not 0:08:57.760 --> 0:09:00.439 showing signs that you're going to move up there. I'm 0:09:00.480 --> 0:09:02.559 not sure if you've gotten feedback about why that might be, 0:09:02.600 --> 0:09:04.480 but if you haven't talked to your boss about it, 0:09:04.480 --> 0:09:07.000 I would do that. Say that you're interested in moving up, 0:09:07.040 --> 0:09:09.560 you've been passed over multiple times, and you're wondering what 0:09:09.600 --> 0:09:11.360 you need to do to be promoted in the future. 0:09:12.040 --> 0:09:14.080 There might be specific things that you do need to 0:09:14.080 --> 0:09:16.400 work on, and if your manager is a decent manager, 0:09:16.440 --> 0:09:18.880 she'll tell you what those are. And you could also 0:09:18.880 --> 0:09:21.720 try asking for feedback from managers of the positions that 0:09:21.760 --> 0:09:24.679 you've applied to and not gotten. But unless you hear 0:09:24.800 --> 0:09:27.280 very specific feedback about what's going on and what they 0:09:27.320 --> 0:09:30.000 need to see you do differently, I would assume that, 0:09:30.040 --> 0:09:32.200 for whatever reason, it's just not going to happen there, 0:09:32.360 --> 0:09:34.080 and then if you do want a higher level job, 0:09:34.400 --> 0:09:36.400 you'll have to look outside your organization to get it. 0:09:37.080 --> 0:09:39.160 And that's not necessarily a bad thing to do after 0:09:39.200 --> 0:09:41.240 eighteen years anyway. I mean, you might find that there 0:09:41.320 --> 0:09:43.960 is something out there that suits you much better. Who knows, 0:09:44.320 --> 0:09:46.080 But I would take a look around and see what 0:09:46.120 --> 0:09:48.720 your options might be, because it sounds like you have 0:09:48.760 --> 0:09:51.800 goals in this company that they're not especially amenable to meeting. 0:09:51.960 --> 0:09:54.320 So look around see what you can find. Good luck. 0:09:55.000 --> 0:09:56.839 Let's pause here for a quick break. I'll come back 0:09:56.880 --> 0:10:06.120 with more questions. This next question is from somebody who 0:10:06.160 --> 0:10:08.960 has lost a bunch of weight and is noticing a 0:10:09.080 --> 0:10:13.160 strange reaction at work. Hello, Elson, I waited almost three 0:10:13.520 --> 0:10:15.920 pounds when I started with my current employer, and I've 0:10:15.960 --> 0:10:19.400 managed to swim down to two. I also have the 0:10:19.440 --> 0:10:22.760 goal of losing fifty pounds more. I'm proud of my 0:10:22.800 --> 0:10:25.959 weight loss, but it's created a really strange dynamic at work. 0:10:26.920 --> 0:10:29.520 Ever since the weight loss got noticeable around the first 0:10:29.559 --> 0:10:32.840 twenty five pounds. Along with the compliments, game strange behavior 0:10:32.920 --> 0:10:36.079 changes from my co workers. I'm suddenly not being invited 0:10:36.080 --> 0:10:39.160 to lunch with co workers, and when we have snacks 0:10:39.200 --> 0:10:42.600 or meals at team meetings, somebody will always bring up 0:10:42.640 --> 0:10:46.200 not wanting to wreck my diet. I've never thought of 0:10:46.240 --> 0:10:48.560 myself as I'm a diet and repeatedly told this to 0:10:48.600 --> 0:10:51.800 my coworkers. I'm trying to be obusity. I'm not trying 0:10:51.840 --> 0:10:55.120 to fit into an old pair of jeans. I've never 0:10:55.160 --> 0:10:58.280 demanded any behavior changes from my co workers with food, 0:10:58.440 --> 0:11:01.119 and I filled my problem to get over the historically 0:11:01.120 --> 0:11:05.120 bad relationship I've had with food. Well, the perception that 0:11:05.440 --> 0:11:08.880 I'm on some kind of diet irritates me. I'm actually 0:11:08.920 --> 0:11:11.400 more concerned about the fact that the weight loss seems 0:11:11.440 --> 0:11:15.720 to be becoming my defining characteristic. For example, I had 0:11:15.720 --> 0:11:18.120 a new manager start last week and I was introduced 0:11:18.120 --> 0:11:20.520 to her by a teammate who said, hey, he's lost 0:11:20.520 --> 0:11:23.480 seventy five pounds over the last year. I was really 0:11:23.520 --> 0:11:26.640 taken aback by this. I would really prefer that my 0:11:26.679 --> 0:11:28.520 new boss get to know me as the person who 0:11:28.600 --> 0:11:31.960 found a way to cut ten thousand dollars a month 0:11:32.040 --> 0:11:35.079 in administrative cough last year. And I feel like I'm 0:11:35.080 --> 0:11:38.400 being judged be on my body. I'm a man who 0:11:38.400 --> 0:11:40.959 works in a female dominated profession, so I'm wondering if 0:11:41.000 --> 0:11:44.280 this is just a difference in male to female work 0:11:44.320 --> 0:11:47.559 behaviors that I'm just noticing for the first time, or 0:11:47.640 --> 0:11:50.640 this something that I should be worrying about. I don't 0:11:50.679 --> 0:11:52.880 know that it's gender based. It might be, but people 0:11:52.960 --> 0:11:55.400 in general can be really weird about weight loss, and 0:11:55.480 --> 0:11:58.960 about weights and diets in general for that matter. I 0:11:59.000 --> 0:12:00.920 do wonder if any of the co workers who are 0:12:00.960 --> 0:12:04.000 leaving you out of lunch are struggling with weight themselves. 0:12:04.600 --> 0:12:07.600 This is just one possibility of several, but sometimes people 0:12:07.600 --> 0:12:10.880 who are having their own struggles can react strangely when 0:12:10.920 --> 0:12:13.719 someone else successfully does the thing that they're struggling with. 0:12:14.320 --> 0:12:16.120 Or who knows, they might just have the idea that 0:12:16.120 --> 0:12:18.360 they're not supposed to attempt to you, even though you've 0:12:18.360 --> 0:12:22.000 never asked them to make that their business. I'm curious 0:12:22.040 --> 0:12:24.560 to know what your relationship is like with these coworkers, 0:12:24.720 --> 0:12:28.200 assuming it's pretty good aside from this issue. I'd be 0:12:28.320 --> 0:12:31.480 very straightforward with them about this, more straightforward than you 0:12:31.559 --> 0:12:34.000 probably assumed you would need to be. When you hear 0:12:34.040 --> 0:12:36.199 people talking about going to lunch and there are people 0:12:36.320 --> 0:12:39.480 you used to eat with, I would try just inviting yourself, 0:12:39.559 --> 0:12:41.160 you know, speak up and say, hey, are you going 0:12:41.200 --> 0:12:43.760 to the taco place? I'd love to come with you. 0:12:43.760 --> 0:12:45.760 You might need to make a point a few times 0:12:45.800 --> 0:12:48.440 of demonstrating to them that you do still indeed want 0:12:48.480 --> 0:12:51.280 to go to lunch. I mean, obviously be thoughtful about 0:12:51.280 --> 0:12:52.960 how you do this. Be a tune to cues that 0:12:53.000 --> 0:12:55.440 it is okay to invite yourself along. But if that's 0:12:55.440 --> 0:12:57.800 the way lunch works in your office, like in many 0:12:57.840 --> 0:13:00.640 offices where it is okay to just tag along, just 0:13:00.679 --> 0:13:03.160 be a little extra assertive about it and say hey, 0:13:03.200 --> 0:13:06.520 I'd love to come. And for meetings where there will 0:13:06.559 --> 0:13:09.240 be food and someone talks about not wanting to wreck 0:13:09.280 --> 0:13:12.600 your diet, speak up there too. You can say hey, 0:13:12.640 --> 0:13:15.000 I'm good with whatever you want to order, or don't 0:13:15.000 --> 0:13:17.360 worry about me. In fact, I'll probably have a little 0:13:17.400 --> 0:13:21.160 of that. Or if it seems needed, and even more direct, Hey, 0:13:21.240 --> 0:13:23.600 there's no reason for us to do anything differently than 0:13:23.640 --> 0:13:26.200 we've ever done. Please don't worry about my diet. Just 0:13:26.280 --> 0:13:29.560 proceed the way you normally would. And in fact, if 0:13:29.559 --> 0:13:32.240 there is one person who usually does the food ordering, 0:13:32.320 --> 0:13:35.160 I would go talk to that person and say, I've 0:13:35.200 --> 0:13:37.520 noticed that people seem to be trying to plan around 0:13:37.600 --> 0:13:40.120 what I eat, and I really don't want that. I've 0:13:40.160 --> 0:13:42.720 got it under control. And while I appreciate people trying 0:13:42.720 --> 0:13:45.120 to be thoughtful, I'd actually really prefer that you just 0:13:45.280 --> 0:13:47.960 order whatever you would normally order and not do anything 0:13:47.960 --> 0:13:51.360 special around me. Depending on how comfortable you are with 0:13:51.400 --> 0:13:53.480 that person, you could also add something like, you know, 0:13:53.559 --> 0:13:55.600 to be honest, it makes me feel a little awkward 0:13:55.600 --> 0:13:57.600 when people make a point of discussing what I eat. 0:13:58.040 --> 0:13:59.800 So the more you keep that out of it, have 0:14:00.040 --> 0:14:03.840 you'r all be But there's also this broader issue that 0:14:03.920 --> 0:14:05.920 you mentioned, the way that your weight loss seems to 0:14:05.920 --> 0:14:08.400 have become your defining characteristic, like even the way that 0:14:08.440 --> 0:14:11.040 you're being introduced to a new manager. I don't blame 0:14:11.080 --> 0:14:13.680 you for not wanting that. I mean that is legitimately weird. 0:14:14.240 --> 0:14:16.040 You want to be known for what you bring to 0:14:16.080 --> 0:14:19.880 the table professionally. I do think that people are fascinated 0:14:20.000 --> 0:14:22.760 by major weight loss. You know, in part it's really 0:14:22.800 --> 0:14:25.440 impressive and you don't see it a lot, But you're 0:14:25.600 --> 0:14:28.040 very much on solid ground if you want to ask 0:14:28.040 --> 0:14:30.560 people to stop doing that. If there are a few 0:14:30.600 --> 0:14:32.960 people who do it the most, which tends to be 0:14:33.000 --> 0:14:35.280 the case with this kind of thing, I would start 0:14:35.280 --> 0:14:37.640 with them and you could say something like, hey, I 0:14:37.720 --> 0:14:40.560 appreciate that you're supportive of my weight loss. I'm sure 0:14:40.600 --> 0:14:42.840 you haven't thought of this, but I'd rather it not 0:14:42.920 --> 0:14:46.360 become my defining characteristic at work. When people think of me, 0:14:46.440 --> 0:14:48.240 I want them to think of me and my work, 0:14:48.440 --> 0:14:51.040 not my weight. You might have to remind people a 0:14:51.040 --> 0:14:55.360 few times, but if you're working with reasonably considerate people, really, 0:14:55.440 --> 0:14:59.160 unless you're working with jerks, being directed straightforward about what 0:14:59.240 --> 0:15:01.800 you would prefer should work, even though it might take 0:15:01.800 --> 0:15:05.680 a few tries. Okay, here is our next letter. I'm 0:15:05.720 --> 0:15:08.520 a recent college grad. It my first big job. The 0:15:08.560 --> 0:15:12.520 problem is that I've developed uncontrollable work anxiety. The biggest 0:15:12.520 --> 0:15:15.200 issue I have is how people can be publicly humiliated 0:15:15.200 --> 0:15:18.560 when they make a mistake and mistakes happen. My manager 0:15:18.600 --> 0:15:20.760 started yelling about something I made a mistake on in 0:15:20.800 --> 0:15:24.040 front of the entire department. So embarrassing, especially since I 0:15:24.080 --> 0:15:26.760 asked a different manager for help on the project and 0:15:26.800 --> 0:15:29.800 I thought it was good to go. I anonymously sent 0:15:30.200 --> 0:15:33.600 HR a message about this situation, and the managers treated 0:15:33.680 --> 0:15:37.760 mistakes differently to some extent afterwards. But I have not recovered. 0:15:38.160 --> 0:15:41.080 I'm terrified of making another mistake like that. I wake 0:15:41.160 --> 0:15:44.119 up at three am and have panic attacks at work regularly. 0:15:44.440 --> 0:15:47.280 I'm not the only one either. Many co workers say 0:15:47.320 --> 0:15:50.320 they experienced this as well. And in my short time here, 0:15:50.760 --> 0:15:53.880 about fifteen of the thirties something people I work with 0:15:53.920 --> 0:15:56.920 have quit. How do we deal with this high stress environment? 0:15:57.040 --> 0:15:59.200 How can I leave work at work and be more 0:15:59.240 --> 0:16:03.480 present at home? Oh my gosh, you have developed bad 0:16:03.480 --> 0:16:06.800 work anxiety because you are in a really bad work environment. 0:16:07.520 --> 0:16:09.560 I want to be really clear about this, because it's 0:16:09.560 --> 0:16:11.680 your first job and you might be thinking, well, this 0:16:11.760 --> 0:16:14.440 must just be how work is. But this is not normal. 0:16:15.120 --> 0:16:18.440 It's not normal, and it's not okay to publicly humiliate 0:16:18.480 --> 0:16:21.840 people or to yell at them. People make mistakes at work. 0:16:21.960 --> 0:16:26.280 I mean, we're human. And humans aren't perfect. Good managers. Frankly, 0:16:26.280 --> 0:16:30.800 even halfway good managers don't yell and humiliate people. They 0:16:30.880 --> 0:16:33.680 might need to correct you, yes, but it should be 0:16:33.840 --> 0:16:37.560 more like coaching, definitely, not like humiliating you. You're in 0:16:37.560 --> 0:16:40.760 a very dysfunctional environment and you're having a very reasonable 0:16:40.800 --> 0:16:44.120 reaction to that environment. Of course, you're stressed out and 0:16:44.160 --> 0:16:46.920 waking up at three am because this is awful. This 0:16:47.000 --> 0:16:49.320 is a problem with them, not with you. And if 0:16:49.320 --> 0:16:51.120 you need proof of that, I would say, look at 0:16:51.120 --> 0:16:53.680 those people who are quitting. You are not in a 0:16:53.720 --> 0:16:56.240 normal workplace, and it is not normal to lose half 0:16:56.240 --> 0:16:58.960 of your workforce that quickly. There's a reason that's happening. 0:16:59.480 --> 0:17:01.440 I'm stress sing this so much because when you are 0:17:01.480 --> 0:17:03.400 at the start of your career, it can be really 0:17:03.440 --> 0:17:06.560 hard to know what is and isn't normal, and sometimes 0:17:06.600 --> 0:17:08.760 people early in their career will end up putting up 0:17:08.800 --> 0:17:11.880 with pretty bad behavior because they don't know how very 0:17:12.000 --> 0:17:14.880 not okay it is. In fact, I'm always a little 0:17:14.880 --> 0:17:17.399 bit suspicious when I see the organizations that seem to 0:17:17.440 --> 0:17:20.560 only hire twenty some things. Sometimes it's because most of 0:17:20.600 --> 0:17:23.919 the jobs there are legitimately early career jobs, but often 0:17:23.960 --> 0:17:27.320 it's because on some level they know that more experienced 0:17:27.320 --> 0:17:29.960 people won't put up with the abuse over unprofessional way 0:17:30.000 --> 0:17:34.000 that they operate. It's pretty infuriating because they're taking advantage 0:17:34.000 --> 0:17:37.320 of people's inexperience. So I want to make sure that 0:17:37.359 --> 0:17:39.639 you hear loud and clear that this is not normal. 0:17:39.760 --> 0:17:42.119 It's not okay. I don't think your goals should be 0:17:42.119 --> 0:17:43.359 to find a way to be okay with it. I 0:17:43.400 --> 0:17:45.000 think your goals should be to get out of there 0:17:45.160 --> 0:17:48.560 and into a healthier work environment. But for however long 0:17:48.640 --> 0:17:50.560 you do have to stay there. Before you can do that, 0:17:51.000 --> 0:17:53.280 try to emotionally distance yourself from the job as much 0:17:53.280 --> 0:17:56.280 as you can. Keep reminding yourself it's not normal, the 0:17:56.320 --> 0:17:58.480 problem was with them, and that you are going to 0:17:58.600 --> 0:18:01.000 escape as soon as you can. And I hope you'll 0:18:01.000 --> 0:18:02.760 call back in in like a year and tell me 0:18:02.800 --> 0:18:05.920 that you've landed somewhere much better. Okay, one more quick 0:18:05.920 --> 0:18:08.760 break while I recover from how frustrated I am with 0:18:08.800 --> 0:18:18.320 that employer. The next question is on a topic that 0:18:18.400 --> 0:18:24.879 I hear about a lot coworkers who are making annoying noises. Hi, Allison, um, 0:18:24.920 --> 0:18:27.760 I just started listening to your podcast and I'm really 0:18:27.800 --> 0:18:30.639 loving it, and I have a problem that I thought 0:18:30.680 --> 0:18:33.840 maybe you could help me out with. Um So, pretty much, 0:18:33.920 --> 0:18:37.480 my coworker who sits directly across from me, we have 0:18:37.600 --> 0:18:41.159 not particularly gotten a long wall since I started a 0:18:41.200 --> 0:18:43.919 little over a year ago, and she seems to always 0:18:43.920 --> 0:18:47.240 be a little bit mood in I'm happy and I 0:18:47.280 --> 0:18:49.639 don't want to step on her toes at all, but 0:18:50.280 --> 0:18:54.639 she's been humming a lot recently, and pretty loudly, and 0:18:54.840 --> 0:18:56.639 the way that our office is set up, I'm the 0:18:56.680 --> 0:19:00.159 only one who really can hear this, and it has 0:19:00.200 --> 0:19:03.840 gone to point where it's distracting for my work, and 0:19:03.920 --> 0:19:05.960 I don't want to be rude and ask her to 0:19:06.000 --> 0:19:09.600 stop doing it. But also I've been blasting my music 0:19:09.640 --> 0:19:12.879 and podcast in my earphone so loudly just to drawn 0:19:12.920 --> 0:19:15.440 it out. So I was hoping that you could recommend 0:19:15.480 --> 0:19:18.359 a nice way of, you know, connecting with her and 0:19:18.440 --> 0:19:24.800 asking her to you know, stop or just minimize the 0:19:24.800 --> 0:19:29.000 sound or frequency with which she does it. Just um. Yeah. 0:19:29.080 --> 0:19:32.920 We we work in a very corporate and traditional environment, 0:19:32.960 --> 0:19:35.239 and I don't think i'd be comfortable bring it up 0:19:35.240 --> 0:19:37.800 with my manager or anything, so I don't want to 0:19:37.800 --> 0:19:40.720 offend her or make her unhappy, but it is going 0:19:40.760 --> 0:19:43.680 to the point where it's been impacting my everyday work. 0:19:43.760 --> 0:19:46.760