1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,719 Speaker 1: If I were to take a college course on fixing 2 00:00:02,759 --> 00:00:06,200 Speaker 1: my attachment issues and my abandonment issues, what would be 3 00:00:06,240 --> 00:00:08,559 Speaker 1: on the syllabus? Am I going to dinner with my ex? 4 00:00:08,760 --> 00:00:09,920 Speaker 2: Yeah? 5 00:00:10,280 --> 00:00:16,239 Speaker 1: Maybe I am. You know what, I am also judging me? Okay? 6 00:00:16,360 --> 00:00:19,200 Speaker 1: So I am addicted to male validation, I am addicted 7 00:00:19,239 --> 00:00:21,880 Speaker 1: to situationship problems, and I am addicted to being my 8 00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:28,240 Speaker 1: own worst enemy, that confused, defeated girl. You just heard 9 00:00:28,840 --> 00:00:34,879 Speaker 1: that's me. I'm Hopewoodard, a comedian creator and perpetual people pleaser, 10 00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:38,880 Speaker 1: But to a majority of people, I'm the girl behind 11 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:43,000 Speaker 1: boy Sober, a movement that exploded in twenty twenty four. 12 00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:44,159 Speaker 1: I'm going boy. 13 00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:47,160 Speaker 3: Sober for a year, which means no dating, no romance, 14 00:00:47,479 --> 00:00:49,120 Speaker 3: no nothing. 15 00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:52,840 Speaker 1: It all started out with me alone in my apartment, 16 00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:57,640 Speaker 1: spinning out over the mess of my latest situationship. So, 17 00:00:57,720 --> 00:01:03,160 Speaker 1: no situationships, no exo, so xoxo. I posted that video 18 00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:08,000 Speaker 1: on TikTok and it somehow got two million views comments 19 00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:11,920 Speaker 1: after comments were left by girls in similar situations having 20 00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:16,920 Speaker 1: an addiction to male validation, being unable to decenter men 21 00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:21,399 Speaker 1: in life, stuck constantly in a trauma loop of romance. 22 00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:27,600 Speaker 1: After some reflection, I realized my dependence on sex and 23 00:01:27,640 --> 00:01:34,160 Speaker 1: relationships was more than a surface level problem. It was generational, 24 00:01:34,760 --> 00:01:38,039 Speaker 1: it was societal. It was something I had to take 25 00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:42,679 Speaker 1: drastic measures to break free from. Feel like I need 26 00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:45,679 Speaker 1: to clarify that I'm the ex that needs to be blocked. 27 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:49,279 Speaker 1: I had to abstain from the vices that were tearing 28 00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:52,960 Speaker 1: me down. I needed to take a break from men, 29 00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:59,200 Speaker 1: sex and dating. I had to be boysover. You might 30 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:02,520 Speaker 1: hear that term and think it's about celibacy, but to me, 31 00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:08,919 Speaker 1: voiceover is about understanding yourself outside of sex and relationships 32 00:02:09,040 --> 00:02:13,560 Speaker 1: and romantic validation. And man, did I have a lot 33 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:24,400 Speaker 1: to learn and unlearn about that. So how did I 34 00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:27,120 Speaker 1: get here in the first place? Why do all this 35 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:32,200 Speaker 1: soul searching? Why publicly swear off men and sex? Why 36 00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:35,920 Speaker 1: attach myself to an entire movement that at times I 37 00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:39,680 Speaker 1: do not relate to anymore? The truth is I come 38 00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:43,160 Speaker 1: from a very long line of women who have obsessed 39 00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:47,640 Speaker 1: over men, women who have used men and male validation 40 00:02:47,880 --> 00:02:52,000 Speaker 1: as a means of escape and a false sense of security. 41 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:58,000 Speaker 1: The origin of Voiceover was actually inspired by my grandmother, 42 00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:02,880 Speaker 1: not completely inspired by her. It was also inspired by 43 00:03:02,919 --> 00:03:08,079 Speaker 1: my own sort of chaotic, often self destructive patterns that 44 00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:11,920 Speaker 1: I told myself was how I was finding love. But 45 00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:17,280 Speaker 1: where do our patterns really start? In my opinion, we 46 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:21,040 Speaker 1: learn how to love through scripts that are invisibly passed 47 00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:25,240 Speaker 1: down generation to generation, from woman to woman, from mother 48 00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:30,200 Speaker 1: to daughter, until someone decides to stop and rewrite the story. 49 00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:40,160 Speaker 1: My grandmother inspired the rewrite. I call her Mimimi. Do 50 00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:46,400 Speaker 1: you remember your first boyfriend? Now? No? Do you remember 51 00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:53,400 Speaker 1: your first kiss? First walk? Kiss? Now you? Yeah? Damn love? 52 00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:58,080 Speaker 1: We shouldn't be Mimimi raised me in a lot of ways, 53 00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:00,640 Speaker 1: and I got some of my best quality from her. 54 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:03,040 Speaker 1: She's the person who taught me to say hello to 55 00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:06,240 Speaker 1: everyone in the room. She's the person who taught me 56 00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:10,480 Speaker 1: to compliment almost everyone I see. Like growing up, every 57 00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:14,080 Speaker 1: time we would go somewhere like Olive Garden, she'd pull 58 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:16,640 Speaker 1: in the waitress or the waiter and she'd say to them, 59 00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:20,960 Speaker 1: you've just got the most beautiful scan. And I love 60 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:24,039 Speaker 1: that about her. She sees people and she taught me 61 00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:28,279 Speaker 1: to really see people too. But she might also be 62 00:04:28,320 --> 00:04:31,280 Speaker 1: the reason why I'm a little boy crazy, because she 63 00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:36,880 Speaker 1: really is too. When Mimi was sixteen, she dropped out 64 00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:39,400 Speaker 1: of high school and moved to Texas with my granddaddy, 65 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:43,000 Speaker 1: a man she had known for only one week. She 66 00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:45,640 Speaker 1: lived in a trailer in his parents' backyard, raising my 67 00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:48,760 Speaker 1: uncle and my mom while my granddaddy worked abroad as 68 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:52,520 Speaker 1: a pipeline welder. She replaced her family with his and 69 00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:56,159 Speaker 1: started one of her own. They eventually left Texas and 70 00:04:56,279 --> 00:04:58,800 Speaker 1: moved back to Tennessee, where she got a job at 71 00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:02,760 Speaker 1: a factory and met him man named Leroy, a tall, 72 00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:08,360 Speaker 1: charismatic security guard who knew exactly how to make her laugh. 73 00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:13,360 Speaker 1: Andy was handsome. I'm sure it all started in innocence, 74 00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:18,200 Speaker 1: with friendship, saying hello to each other, simple and appropriate. 75 00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:22,320 Speaker 1: But somewhere along the way they fell in love and 76 00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:26,359 Speaker 1: they started to have an affair. From what I can gather, 77 00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:30,400 Speaker 1: Mimi's fifteen year marriage to my granddaddy was pretty toxic, 78 00:05:30,839 --> 00:05:35,200 Speaker 1: but her relationship with Leroy, who she eventually married after 79 00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:38,600 Speaker 1: divorcing her husband, was a place of safety for her. 80 00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:42,479 Speaker 1: He knew how to laugh with her and not at her, 81 00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:46,800 Speaker 1: an important distinction that my granddaddy was never quite able 82 00:05:46,839 --> 00:05:52,120 Speaker 1: to make himself. Despite their love, Mimi and LeRoy's this 83 00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:56,800 Speaker 1: caused a huge scandal in the family, and honestly, my 84 00:05:56,920 --> 00:06:00,960 Speaker 1: mom is still not over it. But to me growing up, 85 00:06:01,279 --> 00:06:05,440 Speaker 1: Mimi and Leroy or Papa as I called him, were 86 00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:09,280 Speaker 1: the best example of a loving married couple that I had. 87 00:06:11,880 --> 00:06:14,680 Speaker 1: Fast forward to twenty twenty three and my Papa has 88 00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:18,440 Speaker 1: passed away. Mimi is now eighty years old and she 89 00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:22,680 Speaker 1: has dementia and my mom is her only caretaker. A 90 00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:25,880 Speaker 1: few months after moving in with Mimi, my mom calls 91 00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:29,559 Speaker 1: me frantic because Mimi had broken out of the house. 92 00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:33,440 Speaker 1: My Mimi, who cannot even make it down a grocery 93 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:39,080 Speaker 1: store aisle alone, somehow left the house, crossed a state highway, 94 00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:43,080 Speaker 1: broke into an office building. I found a front desk 95 00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:46,119 Speaker 1: worker and asked her, can you take me to church? 96 00:06:48,839 --> 00:06:52,400 Speaker 1: And it was a Tuesday. She hits to ride to church, 97 00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:55,160 Speaker 1: where her preacher took her in and he drove her 98 00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:58,440 Speaker 1: home and waited inside until my mom got back from work. 99 00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:04,400 Speaker 1: On the phone, my mom sounded so defeated, and she 100 00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:08,839 Speaker 1: sounded so angry. The preacher had made her feel judged 101 00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:12,280 Speaker 1: for the way she was taking care of Mimi, and 102 00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:15,160 Speaker 1: I think I heard a little bit of self righteousness 103 00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:18,280 Speaker 1: in her voice. But I'm pretty sure that was just 104 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:23,040 Speaker 1: armor for feeling so much guilt and so much isolation 105 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:26,920 Speaker 1: and being overwhelmed by everything that she had to do. 106 00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:31,960 Speaker 1: So after hearing my mom like that, I eventually found 107 00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:35,520 Speaker 1: myself in the car driving the twelve hours back home 108 00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:39,560 Speaker 1: to Tennessee to take care of Mimi, and I was excited. 109 00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:42,280 Speaker 1: Going home to take care of a sick family member 110 00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:45,640 Speaker 1: makes me sound like a saint, but in all honesty, 111 00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:49,239 Speaker 1: I was a little relieved to escape New York. Taking 112 00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:51,480 Speaker 1: care of my Mimi for a week meant that I 113 00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:55,840 Speaker 1: could avoid my own reality, And in that reality, I 114 00:07:56,080 --> 00:08:00,400 Speaker 1: was crashing out over a situationship that ghosted me and 115 00:08:00,440 --> 00:08:03,640 Speaker 1: emotionally manipulating an ex who was in love with me 116 00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:08,240 Speaker 1: to avoid the hurt. I felt terrible for stringing the 117 00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:13,920 Speaker 1: ex along and barely recognized myself in my actions, So 118 00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:17,840 Speaker 1: I wasn't that hurt when Mimi didn't recognize me either. 119 00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:20,480 Speaker 1: Should we do some kind of test for you to 120 00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:25,080 Speaker 1: figure hope? Yes, ma'am, I'm really hope. That picture in 121 00:08:25,120 --> 00:08:29,040 Speaker 1: the bathroom here, yes, ma'am. I did my best to 122 00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:31,600 Speaker 1: keep her company. Lord, look at that rain. Should we 123 00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:33,640 Speaker 1: go out there? Lord? No? You want to dance a 124 00:08:33,640 --> 00:08:37,400 Speaker 1: little in the rain, Come on, come on. We watched 125 00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:42,720 Speaker 1: a lot of the prices right look at fair. I 126 00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:46,319 Speaker 1: took her to church, and I discovered that she had 127 00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:51,240 Speaker 1: a crush on the preacher. She broke out of the house, 128 00:08:51,679 --> 00:08:55,360 Speaker 1: not because she was trying to find God. She was 129 00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:58,560 Speaker 1: just trying to see her crush. She was following him around, 130 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:01,880 Speaker 1: trying to get an extra and she would get so 131 00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:05,440 Speaker 1: giddy around him. It was during this time that I 132 00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:09,440 Speaker 1: started to think about Mimi's relationship to men. All she 133 00:09:09,559 --> 00:09:13,920 Speaker 1: talked about was either the preacher, or my mom's boyfriend, 134 00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:18,959 Speaker 1: or my papa. Because of her dementia, Mimi was always 135 00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:22,280 Speaker 1: forgetting that Papa was dead. I'll tell you what we could, 136 00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:26,360 Speaker 1: then why we'll get shopped about five minutes and ask 137 00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:29,120 Speaker 1: him the flavor boys up there? You know I hate 138 00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:35,079 Speaker 1: said saty, So you you know, oh goodness, gracious, maybe 139 00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:38,200 Speaker 1: we'll do that tomorrow. Let me college see where he is. 140 00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:41,280 Speaker 1: Give it a try, you not give it a try, 141 00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:45,719 Speaker 1: see what happens. I was happy to play along with it. 142 00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:48,440 Speaker 1: When she asks me to order him a sandwich, I 143 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:51,600 Speaker 1: don't ask any questions. When she wants to go and 144 00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:55,880 Speaker 1: see him, I always say we'll go later. But sometimes 145 00:09:56,000 --> 00:10:01,640 Speaker 1: it's more difficult because Mimi will not accept help from 146 00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:06,600 Speaker 1: me or my mom where honestly any other woman. She 147 00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:11,160 Speaker 1: wants help from a man, and when we try to 148 00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:15,880 Speaker 1: help her and she refuses, she always says it's because 149 00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:20,560 Speaker 1: Papa'll be home soon. A few days after being together, 150 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,120 Speaker 1: she really needed to take a bath, and I knew 151 00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:26,160 Speaker 1: she didn't want to, but she had to, she needed to. 152 00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:30,120 Speaker 1: I was trying to convince her and nothing was working 153 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:33,679 Speaker 1: until I said, oh, we're not going to go to 154 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:37,920 Speaker 1: the cemetery. Were good, You go to cemetery and say 155 00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:45,199 Speaker 1: Papa or yeah. Immediately, she jumped in that bathtub, got in, 156 00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:48,640 Speaker 1: took a bath, and we were visiting the gravesite ten 157 00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:52,960 Speaker 1: minutes later. The love for him is very real, but 158 00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:58,520 Speaker 1: it is obsessive. It stops her from accepting love and 159 00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:02,920 Speaker 1: help from everyone around her. One night, it hit me 160 00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:05,800 Speaker 1: that I was a little too similar to Mimi, and 161 00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:11,400 Speaker 1: we were both a little too boy crazy. We were 162 00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:14,319 Speaker 1: sitting next to each other in the living room, pretending 163 00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:17,360 Speaker 1: to watch the Prices right She was on her phone 164 00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:20,000 Speaker 1: and I was on mine. I was texting a boy 165 00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:24,040 Speaker 1: someone to distract me from all the dating drama that 166 00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:27,040 Speaker 1: I was running away from I looked over at Mimi 167 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:31,560 Speaker 1: and realized she was texting too, typing furiously on her 168 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:34,800 Speaker 1: flip phone. I knew she wasn't actually texting anyone because 169 00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:37,960 Speaker 1: her phone doesn't even send text messages. I asked her 170 00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:42,160 Speaker 1: who she was texting, and she said, you're Papa. And 171 00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:44,640 Speaker 1: when I looked at the screen, I saw the text 172 00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:47,640 Speaker 1: that she had typed out, and it said did your 173 00:11:47,679 --> 00:11:51,280 Speaker 1: truck just drive by? Because where she sits in the 174 00:11:51,320 --> 00:11:53,679 Speaker 1: living room, she can look out the window and she 175 00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:57,320 Speaker 1: sees all the cars. She was just sitting there kind 176 00:11:57,320 --> 00:12:01,120 Speaker 1: of all day, waiting to see him drive by, waiting 177 00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:03,840 Speaker 1: for him to come in the door, texting him, asking 178 00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:08,160 Speaker 1: him where he is, and he wasn't responding. He was 179 00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:11,880 Speaker 1: never going to respond. And that's when I realized my 180 00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:15,560 Speaker 1: grandmother was in her eighties, in the last years of 181 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:19,520 Speaker 1: her life, and she was still getting left on red, 182 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:24,760 Speaker 1: getting ghosted by a man, waiting desperately for him to 183 00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:29,680 Speaker 1: see her, talk to her, be with her again. All 184 00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:33,480 Speaker 1: my life, I wanted love like Mimi and Papa's. I 185 00:12:33,559 --> 00:12:37,800 Speaker 1: know part of Mimi's mental and physical deterioration is due 186 00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:40,520 Speaker 1: to the grief of losing a partner of twenty years, 187 00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:44,640 Speaker 1: but seeing the way she's acting out now that it's 188 00:12:44,679 --> 00:12:47,600 Speaker 1: bringing out the worst part of her boy crazy nature, 189 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:51,960 Speaker 1: the kind that I inherited from her, made me realize 190 00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:55,360 Speaker 1: that if I didn't change something about myself, I was 191 00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:59,200 Speaker 1: going to be exactly where she is one day. I 192 00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:04,640 Speaker 1: needed to stop the cycle. I needed and I wanted 193 00:13:05,240 --> 00:13:22,560 Speaker 1: to rewrite the script. By the end of twenty twenty three, 194 00:13:22,679 --> 00:13:25,720 Speaker 1: I was back in New York and determined to give 195 00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:30,880 Speaker 1: up men, sex, and dating for exactly one year. I 196 00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:33,920 Speaker 1: was inspired by the year I gave up drinking. I 197 00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:36,880 Speaker 1: figured I could change my relationship to men and sex 198 00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:40,480 Speaker 1: the same way I had changed my relationship to alcohol. 199 00:13:40,559 --> 00:13:44,199 Speaker 1: I've used them both in similar ways as a crutch 200 00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:50,320 Speaker 1: to ease anxiety, to fake confidence, to feel wanted. After 201 00:13:50,520 --> 00:13:54,520 Speaker 1: a year of no alcohol, no drinking, I was able 202 00:13:54,679 --> 00:13:58,599 Speaker 1: to enjoy a glass of wine instead of wanting to 203 00:13:58,679 --> 00:14:02,240 Speaker 1: drink the whole bottle. So I thought, if I gave 204 00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:05,160 Speaker 1: up men for a year, maybe I could go back 205 00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:09,440 Speaker 1: to them one day with a little more control, less using, 206 00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:15,480 Speaker 1: more choosing, less chaos, more clarity. That's what I was 207 00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:19,000 Speaker 1: looking for. But this was not the first time I 208 00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:22,400 Speaker 1: had tried giving up men. I had failed before twice, 209 00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:25,320 Speaker 1: once in college and then again when I joined the 210 00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:30,400 Speaker 1: Peace Corps. So this time to make sure I stuck 211 00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:36,000 Speaker 1: with it, I made the Internet the public my accountability partner. 212 00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:41,920 Speaker 1: And at first it was like a perfect digital recovery group. 213 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:48,040 Speaker 1: All right, let's do one voiceover, not dating apps, world deleted. 214 00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:51,480 Speaker 1: I was voice sober for a whole year. I am 215 00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:56,400 Speaker 1: officially voiceover and it was the most peaceful year of 216 00:14:56,440 --> 00:14:58,000 Speaker 1: my life. If you know me, you know that I 217 00:14:58,080 --> 00:15:01,680 Speaker 1: love void and I'm excited. So this week I decided 218 00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:09,240 Speaker 1: to go voice sober. A debate started bubbling up in 219 00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:12,360 Speaker 1: the comments every time I would share a story about 220 00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:15,160 Speaker 1: interacting with a man. Was I allowed to give my 221 00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:18,280 Speaker 1: number away? Was I allowed to flirt? Was I allowed 222 00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:22,080 Speaker 1: to have a conversation even look at a man? Everyone 223 00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:26,160 Speaker 1: wanted a set of rules for going voyober, which makes sense. 224 00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:31,600 Speaker 1: AA has twelve steps, religions have ten commandments. People want 225 00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:36,120 Speaker 1: structure and clarity, and everyone was looking to me to 226 00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:39,280 Speaker 1: tell them what the rules should be. But who am 227 00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:43,160 Speaker 1: I to decide someone else's rules? Do they have generational 228 00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:46,520 Speaker 1: patterns like mine? Are they chaotic? Or did they play 229 00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:49,480 Speaker 1: it safe. Should they be putting themselves out there more 230 00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:52,160 Speaker 1: or did they need to pull back for a while 231 00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:56,280 Speaker 1: like I did. I was reluctant to make rules because 232 00:15:57,080 --> 00:15:59,960 Speaker 1: I barely knew my own I was building the plane 233 00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:03,040 Speaker 1: while I was flying it. But one night I was 234 00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:07,040 Speaker 1: out with some girlfriends, I crowdsourced a little wisdom, jotted 235 00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:09,440 Speaker 1: some things down in my notes app, and gave the 236 00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:12,200 Speaker 1: people what they wanted. Okay, So these are the twenty 237 00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:17,560 Speaker 1: twenty four boy Sober rules. No dating apps, no dates, 238 00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:23,920 Speaker 1: no xes, no situationships, no xoxo XO, no hugs and 239 00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:28,120 Speaker 1: kisses extended, no hugs and kisses, et cetera. A month 240 00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:30,680 Speaker 1: after I posted the rules, a reporter for The New 241 00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:34,600 Speaker 1: York Times reached out, Hey, Hope, I'd love to interview 242 00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:37,240 Speaker 1: you about what it means to be boy sober and 243 00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:41,880 Speaker 1: why you're on this journey. Would you be available to chat? Immediately, 244 00:16:42,440 --> 00:16:45,840 Speaker 1: I saw my Mimi's name in a headline, and it 245 00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:50,400 Speaker 1: felt like more than just my story. It felt like 246 00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:54,240 Speaker 1: a chance to really validate where I came from. I 247 00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:56,840 Speaker 1: thought of this one time at a party. I was 248 00:16:56,880 --> 00:17:00,760 Speaker 1: in Manhattan, and after talking to someone for a while, 249 00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:03,960 Speaker 1: they asked me how did you not end up like 250 00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:08,080 Speaker 1: everyone else from Tennessee? And I said, like what And 251 00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:13,000 Speaker 1: they said like ignorant? And I'll never forget that guy, 252 00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:18,040 Speaker 1: because this is how I think a lot of people 253 00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:22,800 Speaker 1: feel about Southerners. They think we're slow, they think we're stupid, 254 00:17:23,119 --> 00:17:26,760 Speaker 1: and hey, I'll be the first to admit our politics 255 00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:30,760 Speaker 1: are flawed and there's no denying that. But no place 256 00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:36,800 Speaker 1: is perfect. And in a small, maybe selfish way, this 257 00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:40,040 Speaker 1: felt like an opportunity for me to finally be taken 258 00:17:40,119 --> 00:17:44,240 Speaker 1: seriously in New York. This was a big deal and 259 00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:47,639 Speaker 1: a big moment to feel validated. That journalist was on 260 00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:50,679 Speaker 1: my couch the next day and she asked me to 261 00:17:50,760 --> 00:17:54,600 Speaker 1: define what it is to be boysover? What did it mean, 262 00:17:55,119 --> 00:17:58,359 Speaker 1: who does it apply to? What is it all about? 263 00:17:59,359 --> 00:18:03,280 Speaker 1: She asked me specifically a lot about sex. One of 264 00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:06,800 Speaker 1: her questions was, will you really give up sex for 265 00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:10,560 Speaker 1: an entire year? And I said, well, a year is 266 00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:14,880 Speaker 1: a long time, which is Southern polite coded for I'm 267 00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:18,680 Speaker 1: going to try my best. When the article came out, 268 00:18:19,440 --> 00:18:22,200 Speaker 1: I'll just say it wasn't at all what I expected. 269 00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:26,560 Speaker 1: I thought Mimi would be the focus a story about 270 00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:31,040 Speaker 1: breaking generational patterns and getting out of relational trauma loops 271 00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:35,439 Speaker 1: and women choosing themselves over chasing men. But instead the 272 00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:42,760 Speaker 1: headline literally read she's not celibate, she's boyober. And this 273 00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:46,960 Speaker 1: is no shade to the reporter. I know headlines need 274 00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:50,240 Speaker 1: to be punchy, but oh my god, Never in one 275 00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:53,520 Speaker 1: hundred years did I think I was going to be 276 00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:57,840 Speaker 1: the face of celibacy. That is not something I wanted. 277 00:18:58,440 --> 00:19:02,119 Speaker 1: First of all, making sweet love I think it's one 278 00:19:02,119 --> 00:19:05,240 Speaker 1: of the most important parts of life. I think everyone 279 00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:08,359 Speaker 1: should be doing it if they want to. Good sex 280 00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:12,439 Speaker 1: is special and it's important, and I never want to 281 00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:16,040 Speaker 1: make any woman feel like they can't or shouldn't have that. 282 00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:20,360 Speaker 1: I did not give up sex to start a movement 283 00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:24,440 Speaker 1: on abstinence or even encourage anyone to do the same. 284 00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:27,320 Speaker 1: I gave up sex because I had some healing to do. 285 00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:34,320 Speaker 1: I started having sex when I was thirteen, which is 286 00:19:34,480 --> 00:19:37,320 Speaker 1: way too young to understand how it would impact the 287 00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:41,200 Speaker 1: rest of my life. And because of how it happened, secretly, 288 00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:47,000 Speaker 1: shamefully and wrapped up in so much religious guilt, I 289 00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:52,040 Speaker 1: learned to hide everything about my sex life. I didn't 290 00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:54,879 Speaker 1: know how to feel like a good person. And be 291 00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:58,959 Speaker 1: a person who had sex. And I carried that confusion 292 00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:03,160 Speaker 1: into every relationship I had. I was doing a lot 293 00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:06,000 Speaker 1: of hiding, and I was keeping a lot of secrets, 294 00:20:06,520 --> 00:20:09,600 Speaker 1: and I was hurting people because of that. Because of 295 00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:12,400 Speaker 1: how I was introduced to sex, I was always scared 296 00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:15,200 Speaker 1: that if people knew I was having it, I would 297 00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:18,960 Speaker 1: be less worthy of something. If I was a woman 298 00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:23,040 Speaker 1: who didn't have sex, I'd be seen as a better person, 299 00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:27,560 Speaker 1: more respectable, more lovable. And if people knew that I 300 00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:32,040 Speaker 1: was having sex, I could lose all of that. So 301 00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:38,200 Speaker 1: I learned how to hide. When those headlines came out 302 00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:40,960 Speaker 1: praising me for giving up sex, it felt like my 303 00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:45,800 Speaker 1: biggest fear had come true. And that is really when 304 00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:50,320 Speaker 1: the entire idea of going boy sober was kind of 305 00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:54,359 Speaker 1: taken out of my hands. It was really no longer 306 00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:58,680 Speaker 1: mine after that. It wasn't me and my support group anymore. 307 00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:03,080 Speaker 1: It had become some kind of public purity project, a 308 00:21:03,119 --> 00:21:08,000 Speaker 1: performance for everyone, not a reckoning for myself. That's how 309 00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:12,399 Speaker 1: I internalized it, anyways, and then the headlines kept coming. 310 00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:17,320 Speaker 1: Voiceover had taken on a life of its own, headline 311 00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:21,719 Speaker 1: after headline after headline, crowning me as the queen of celibacy, 312 00:21:22,119 --> 00:21:26,120 Speaker 1: and I tried to keep it up. But I had 313 00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:30,119 Speaker 1: never dealt with anything like this before, and I can't 314 00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:33,800 Speaker 1: say I handled it very well. To put it bluntly, 315 00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:40,960 Speaker 1: my life off camera fell apart. I was crashing out 316 00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:44,160 Speaker 1: so bad. Let me just run you through it real quick. 317 00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:48,080 Speaker 1: First I got a tattoo that I immediately regretted. Then 318 00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:50,200 Speaker 1: I went through a friend breakup. Then I went through 319 00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:53,280 Speaker 1: another friend breakup. Then I developed a nicotine addiction. I 320 00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:58,040 Speaker 1: smoke about a pack every two days. I'm sorry, mom. 321 00:21:58,240 --> 00:22:02,280 Speaker 1: I went into credit card debt, and then boylaps, boy laps, 322 00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:07,120 Speaker 1: boylaps for everyone wondering, No, I did not last an 323 00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:10,960 Speaker 1: entire year without sex. The thing about me and rules 324 00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:15,240 Speaker 1: is I love breaking them. But I was breaking these 325 00:22:15,320 --> 00:22:19,439 Speaker 1: rules in a way that was self destructive. I really 326 00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:23,800 Speaker 1: lost myself and lost my purpose. And honestly, I look 327 00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:27,280 Speaker 1: back at videos of myself around this time and I think, 328 00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:29,240 Speaker 1: who is that? Poor girl? 329 00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:32,800 Speaker 2: How am I going to practice setting boundaries with men 330 00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:34,440 Speaker 2: if I'm not interacting with them? 331 00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:38,040 Speaker 1: Okay, so I'm flirting whatever, and everybody like, hope, you're 332 00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:39,360 Speaker 1: too far down the rabbit hole. 333 00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:43,560 Speaker 3: You're relapsing whatever, and you could be right and I 334 00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:47,520 Speaker 3: am unhinged, and I do like to toe the line. 335 00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:50,800 Speaker 1: It was like the entire year that was supposed to 336 00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:57,119 Speaker 1: be about healing, connecting growth had crushed me, flattened me 337 00:22:57,280 --> 00:23:00,399 Speaker 1: into this headline and turned me into a ca character 338 00:23:00,560 --> 00:23:05,680 Speaker 1: that people could project their anger and insecurities onto. Being 339 00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:10,359 Speaker 1: niche Internet famous is a really bizarre experience, and basically 340 00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:13,399 Speaker 1: I just didn't really feel like I had anyone to 341 00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:16,919 Speaker 1: turn to, maybe no one to really relate to. So 342 00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:21,119 Speaker 1: on my darkest nights, I'd pour my feelings into voice 343 00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:26,840 Speaker 1: memos alone in my apartment. It feels so lonely because 344 00:23:27,119 --> 00:23:30,959 Speaker 1: I don't think that many people can actually resonate. 345 00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:39,520 Speaker 2: With what I'm going through. Because I was try to 346 00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:48,120 Speaker 2: be so stupid and earnest, I everyone just thinks I'm 347 00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:50,199 Speaker 2: so fucking stupid. 348 00:23:52,600 --> 00:23:57,320 Speaker 1: And then it got very dark mental health wise. I 349 00:23:57,400 --> 00:24:01,960 Speaker 1: started googling some questionable things like what's the best bridge 350 00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:05,840 Speaker 1: to jump off of in New York? And that was 351 00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:09,000 Speaker 1: a warning sign to me that I needed to go 352 00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:14,359 Speaker 1: back home. So I moved back to Tennessee because I 353 00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:18,359 Speaker 1: could honestly not live safely alone in New York. I 354 00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:21,439 Speaker 1: didn't want to end my life, but I was not 355 00:24:21,640 --> 00:24:25,679 Speaker 1: in a position to be alone with my thoughts and actions. 356 00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:28,520 Speaker 1: So I moved back in with my mom and my 357 00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:33,800 Speaker 1: grandmother to make sure I didn't do anything irrevocable. So 358 00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:36,640 Speaker 1: you're in one order of tyson, ma'am, I've got my own. 359 00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:39,680 Speaker 1: Oh damn, did you switch with her or something other? 360 00:24:40,280 --> 00:24:43,520 Speaker 1: Is that much better? In Tennessee? Living with my mom 361 00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:46,919 Speaker 1: and Mimi, I got to experience a different kind of reality, 362 00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:51,960 Speaker 1: the reality of never having left Tennessee, kind of the 363 00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:55,520 Speaker 1: reality of never being on the internet, too, the alternate 364 00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:58,480 Speaker 1: reality of what if I didn't live in New York. 365 00:24:58,720 --> 00:25:01,040 Speaker 1: What if I rode with my mom to work sometimes? 366 00:25:01,440 --> 00:25:03,919 Speaker 1: What if I saw my family every day? What if 367 00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:07,080 Speaker 1: I was surrounded by people like me? What if I 368 00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:11,000 Speaker 1: was with people who knew me before the Internet? I 369 00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:15,800 Speaker 1: have flirted with your daughter. While I was there, I 370 00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:18,720 Speaker 1: was writing a lot, writing about all of the wrong 371 00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:22,439 Speaker 1: turns I'd taken, writing about how I got here. And 372 00:25:22,560 --> 00:25:24,560 Speaker 1: one day I was taking care of Mimi and I 373 00:25:24,640 --> 00:25:27,240 Speaker 1: asked her if I could read something to her. It 374 00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:30,760 Speaker 1: was the story of going boy sober? Why I did it? 375 00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:34,639 Speaker 1: Whose hearts had been broken? How I was constantly breaking 376 00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:37,720 Speaker 1: my own but I didn't tell her it was about me. 377 00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:39,920 Speaker 1: I told her it was about a friend of mine, 378 00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:43,639 Speaker 1: so that she would tell me her honest thoughts, not 379 00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:46,520 Speaker 1: lie just to be nice or get mad, because I'm 380 00:25:46,560 --> 00:25:50,200 Speaker 1: her granddaughter and I shouldn't be acting out of line. Okay. 381 00:25:50,359 --> 00:25:57,159 Speaker 3: I read Mimi my first draft at boy Sober, and 382 00:25:57,760 --> 00:26:01,600 Speaker 3: these were her comments. Number one, and she's got some problems. 383 00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:04,280 Speaker 3: Number two. I don't think a lot of people could 384 00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:08,280 Speaker 3: help her at this point, which I thought was telling. 385 00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:16,840 Speaker 1: And I thought damn, because this whole time before going 386 00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:21,160 Speaker 1: boice sober, and even after, I was waiting for someone 387 00:26:21,440 --> 00:26:25,959 Speaker 1: to help me, someone to save me, the public, the headlines, 388 00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:30,520 Speaker 1: the performing, looking for someone or something to validate me 389 00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:36,200 Speaker 1: enough to believe in myself, to choose myself or whatever 390 00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:40,840 Speaker 1: that means. And finally she had said it so simply, 391 00:26:41,520 --> 00:26:46,159 Speaker 1: I was the only one who could save myself. So 392 00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:51,879 Speaker 1: here I am boys over two point zero, trying again 393 00:26:52,920 --> 00:27:11,360 Speaker 1: a little differently this time. Hi, Hi, just hanging out. 394 00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:14,080 Speaker 1: You know, we're asking people that they've heard about going 395 00:27:14,160 --> 00:27:15,200 Speaker 1: voice sober. 396 00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:16,920 Speaker 3: Going voiceover what. 397 00:27:18,440 --> 00:27:18,520 Speaker 2: Not? 398 00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:23,040 Speaker 1: Dating men? Oh yeah, you could say we've heard of it. 399 00:27:23,960 --> 00:27:28,160 Speaker 1: Centering men. I am voice sober. I don't want that. 400 00:27:28,280 --> 00:27:31,919 Speaker 1: I just don't. I just don't want that. I oftentimes 401 00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:35,239 Speaker 1: like wish that I had someone at the beginning of 402 00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:37,720 Speaker 1: college that like shook me and told me, like, don't 403 00:27:37,760 --> 00:27:40,640 Speaker 1: focus on guys, focus on yourself, because I didn't do that. 404 00:27:40,840 --> 00:27:41,159 Speaker 2: Dot you. 405 00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:43,920 Speaker 1: It's been almost a year and a half since I 406 00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:47,159 Speaker 1: posted the boy Sober Rules, and these days, when I 407 00:27:47,200 --> 00:27:50,359 Speaker 1: talk to people about the whole concept, it feels way 408 00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:55,000 Speaker 1: less about me. It feels like a more cultural moment ability. 409 00:27:55,600 --> 00:27:58,480 Speaker 1: Are you in a situationship right now? I'm trying to 410 00:27:58,520 --> 00:27:59,200 Speaker 1: get out of it. 411 00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:04,760 Speaker 2: I feel like I've gone on a lot of dates that. 412 00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:09,240 Speaker 1: Weren't fruitful, and I'm protective of my time and my 413 00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:13,880 Speaker 1: energy and my peace. So the whole decentering men thing 414 00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:18,520 Speaker 1: went pretty mainstream by summer twenty twenty four. High profile 415 00:28:18,680 --> 00:28:22,760 Speaker 1: IT girls were talking all about it. Emily Radikowski said 416 00:28:22,800 --> 00:28:26,280 Speaker 1: she was decentering men. Julia Fox came out I celibate. 417 00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:30,600 Speaker 1: It was so mainstream that dating apps started to get worried. 418 00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:35,080 Speaker 1: Bumble launched ads that read celibacy is not the Answer, 419 00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:39,560 Speaker 1: a pretty poorly thought out campaign that Drew called for 420 00:28:39,680 --> 00:28:44,760 Speaker 1: a boycott. Then by the fall it got political. But 421 00:28:44,840 --> 00:28:47,880 Speaker 1: do you ever feel like you're sleeping with the enemy, 422 00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:51,360 Speaker 1: you know what? Sometimes Yeah, to the extent someone's like 423 00:28:52,240 --> 00:28:53,800 Speaker 1: not going to respect me or seeing as an equal, 424 00:28:53,840 --> 00:28:56,680 Speaker 1: Like that's a no go right off the bat, between 425 00:28:56,680 --> 00:29:00,520 Speaker 1: the dwindling abortion rights and threats to women's quality in 426 00:29:00,560 --> 00:29:03,720 Speaker 1: the United States and the fact that a majority of 427 00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:07,320 Speaker 1: men in this country voted for Donald Trump, movements that 428 00:29:07,360 --> 00:29:13,040 Speaker 1: shared some DNA with boys sober sprung up? Is that 429 00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:15,840 Speaker 1: like Korean thing for getting Oh, it's like four B 430 00:29:16,560 --> 00:29:20,080 Speaker 1: kind of the four B movement in South Korea, in 431 00:29:20,120 --> 00:29:23,640 Speaker 1: which women refuse to marry, have kids, date, or have 432 00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:27,520 Speaker 1: sex with men, was rapidly spreading in America. I was 433 00:29:27,560 --> 00:29:30,840 Speaker 1: interviewed for a Times article about this too, and that 434 00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:33,920 Speaker 1: was a moment when I realized how far away from 435 00:29:33,920 --> 00:29:37,440 Speaker 1: me this had gotten. And in a way it was 436 00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:42,320 Speaker 1: kind of freeing because with everyone personalizing this movement, it 437 00:29:42,480 --> 00:29:45,520 Speaker 1: meant I can come back to it in my own way, 438 00:29:46,360 --> 00:29:50,280 Speaker 1: which brings me to now to you with this podcast. 439 00:29:51,560 --> 00:29:54,440 Speaker 1: If you follow me, you know I have publicly committed 440 00:29:54,440 --> 00:29:58,800 Speaker 1: to a boy sober two point zero, just with less rules, 441 00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:03,200 Speaker 1: a little more great and a few more crushes. Last 442 00:30:03,200 --> 00:30:06,720 Speaker 1: time I was boicsover voiceover one point oh, I was like, no, 443 00:30:06,880 --> 00:30:08,880 Speaker 1: man is allowed to take up space in my head. 444 00:30:09,440 --> 00:30:12,480 Speaker 1: Boiceover two point oh, I'm like, Hey, that's gonna happen. 445 00:30:13,840 --> 00:30:17,040 Speaker 1: I'm also still fascinated by the idea of boy sober 446 00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:20,640 Speaker 1: as a whole, the idea that there's power in sharing 447 00:30:20,680 --> 00:30:25,320 Speaker 1: your story, your deepest personal anxieties, and that it can 448 00:30:25,400 --> 00:30:28,880 Speaker 1: lead to a movement. When I go out and talk 449 00:30:28,920 --> 00:30:31,880 Speaker 1: about this now, ask people if they know what it 450 00:30:31,960 --> 00:30:34,520 Speaker 1: means to be boicober and how they relate to the term. 451 00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:39,480 Speaker 1: I'm inspired by all the different answers I get, and 452 00:30:39,680 --> 00:30:42,480 Speaker 1: plenty of them aren't women, and plenty of them don't 453 00:30:42,560 --> 00:30:47,200 Speaker 1: date men. No I am voiceover, I'm gay, I'm lesbian. 454 00:30:47,440 --> 00:30:49,920 Speaker 3: She wants her own space. 455 00:30:50,080 --> 00:30:54,080 Speaker 1: She wants space. Did you want space? No? But now 456 00:30:54,120 --> 00:30:58,120 Speaker 1: I have to work on myself. I'm someone who's been 457 00:30:58,400 --> 00:31:03,040 Speaker 1: very chronically single for most of the life. In a 458 00:31:03,040 --> 00:31:05,520 Speaker 1: lot of ways, felt like some shame around that of like, 459 00:31:05,560 --> 00:31:07,479 Speaker 1: oh my gosh, what does it mean to have desire? 460 00:31:07,600 --> 00:31:10,720 Speaker 1: To be desired? And by this point it should be 461 00:31:10,760 --> 00:31:14,320 Speaker 1: clear that boy sober is not celibacy. It isn't cutting 462 00:31:14,320 --> 00:31:18,640 Speaker 1: yourself off from dating. It's about expanding the way we 463 00:31:18,680 --> 00:31:22,480 Speaker 1: think about love and relationships. Taking a moment to think 464 00:31:22,520 --> 00:31:27,640 Speaker 1: about yourself, to understand what you actually want, not what 465 00:31:27,680 --> 00:31:31,480 Speaker 1: you've been socialized to want. What are the crutches you 466 00:31:31,600 --> 00:31:37,240 Speaker 1: turn to, and who are you without them? These questions 467 00:31:37,280 --> 00:31:41,840 Speaker 1: are why I'm still here publicly exploring these ideas all 468 00:31:41,920 --> 00:31:46,800 Speaker 1: the ways someone can be emotionally, spiritually, and sometimes physically. 469 00:31:47,280 --> 00:31:51,040 Speaker 1: Boys sober think of this as a research project of sorts, 470 00:31:51,520 --> 00:31:54,120 Speaker 1: one where we'll be talking to a lot of people 471 00:31:54,600 --> 00:31:58,560 Speaker 1: like sex therapists, who will help us untangle the physical 472 00:31:58,680 --> 00:32:03,080 Speaker 1: and emotional in relationationships. It's a very very normal experience 473 00:32:03,200 --> 00:32:07,080 Speaker 1: to have times where a relationship is prioritizing other parts 474 00:32:07,080 --> 00:32:10,680 Speaker 1: of that relationship that aren't being naked together. Creators like 475 00:32:10,720 --> 00:32:13,719 Speaker 1: myself wondering how healthy it is to put their private 476 00:32:13,800 --> 00:32:17,480 Speaker 1: life on display, like of course, it would help me 477 00:32:18,000 --> 00:32:22,440 Speaker 1: romantically and sexually to not have the artistic output in 478 00:32:22,480 --> 00:32:25,040 Speaker 1: the voice that I do. People who are working on 479 00:32:25,160 --> 00:32:28,960 Speaker 1: finding clarity and control on love in their own family. 480 00:32:29,400 --> 00:32:31,840 Speaker 2: I've spent a lifetime trying to get my mother to 481 00:32:31,880 --> 00:32:33,640 Speaker 2: love me, but the price is too high. 482 00:32:33,760 --> 00:32:37,720 Speaker 1: You'll even be hearing updates from my own journey. How 483 00:32:37,760 --> 00:32:38,640 Speaker 1: do I do single? 484 00:32:38,760 --> 00:32:42,840 Speaker 2: Right? I think you need to have a project that's 485 00:32:42,920 --> 00:32:44,800 Speaker 2: not about your dating life, right. 486 00:32:45,280 --> 00:32:49,400 Speaker 1: I think just read me to film and I'll be 487 00:32:49,520 --> 00:32:52,880 Speaker 1: asking all of you about yours And we're asking people 488 00:32:52,920 --> 00:32:57,560 Speaker 1: about their love lives. Oh god, no, what are your readers? 489 00:32:57,640 --> 00:33:00,360 Speaker 1: At the end of the day. Voice Sober is whatever 490 00:33:00,400 --> 00:33:04,640 Speaker 1: you need right now to heal yourself. So come with 491 00:33:04,760 --> 00:33:08,600 Speaker 1: me on this journey of learning and unlearning, finding out 492 00:33:08,680 --> 00:33:11,320 Speaker 1: how we do things right, how we do things wrong, 493 00:33:11,600 --> 00:33:14,400 Speaker 1: how we can change, and how we can take back 494 00:33:14,480 --> 00:33:26,960 Speaker 1: the ways we love and find love. Voiceover is a 495 00:33:27,000 --> 00:33:31,880 Speaker 1: production of iHeart Podcasts. I'm your host, Hopewood. Christina Everett 496 00:33:31,960 --> 00:33:36,000 Speaker 1: is our executive producer. Emily Maronov is our supervising producer, 497 00:33:36,400 --> 00:33:40,840 Speaker 1: Engineering by Baheed Frasier, mixing and mastering by Aboo Zafar, 498 00:33:41,240 --> 00:33:45,400 Speaker 1: and special thanks to our executive producer Julie Panero. If 499 00:33:45,400 --> 00:33:48,680 Speaker 1: you liked this episode, please tell a friend and don't 500 00:33:48,720 --> 00:33:52,360 Speaker 1: forget to rate, review, and subscribe to boys Over on 501 00:33:52,520 --> 00:33:56,440 Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, and wherever you get your 502 00:33:56,440 --> 00:33:57,160 Speaker 1: favorite shows.