Speaker 1: Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm nedroglover to WIB and you
Speaker 1: need to hear this. In today's call, we are talking
Speaker 1: about unsolicited comments or feedback. I have a lot to
Speaker 1: say about this. The first thing is we have to
Speaker 1: be mindful of how we invite people in. Sometimes just
Speaker 1: talking to a certain person about a topic is an
Speaker 1: entrance for them to provide feedback. It could be as
Speaker 1: simple as I bought a purple house. A purple house,
Speaker 1: Oh I don't like the color purple. Listen, we can
Speaker 1: just sit here together and stare at walls. Maybe I
Speaker 1: don't share things because I don't want to hear what
Speaker 1: you have to say about it. We know who those
Speaker 1: people are in our lives. We have to figure out,
Speaker 1: like what things can we say to particular people and
Speaker 1: what things we just don't want to talk about. I
Speaker 1: don't want to talk about real estate with you, because
Speaker 1: then it goes down this path of whatever I don't
Speaker 1: want to talk about, you know, things about shopping or
Speaker 1: my body in front of you, because then these sort
Speaker 1: of comments come out. So figuring out our people can
Speaker 1: be really helpful. There is a part of us that
Speaker 1: feels like, well, guess what I should be able to
Speaker 1: talk about whatever I want to with my mom, with
Speaker 1: my brother, with my you know, we'll put that role there,
Speaker 1: like whoever that person is, and it's like, well, you can't,
Speaker 1: you cannot. There are some people it's like, y'all only
Speaker 1: really need to talk about weather, like which weather app
Speaker 1: are you using? Are you using the weather dot com?
Speaker 1: Or are you using what comes on the That's all
Speaker 1: we can talk about because if we talk about anything else,
Speaker 1: it doesn't.
Speaker 2: Go very well.
Speaker 1: You know who those folks are in your life, and
Speaker 1: sometimes we don't really honor that. We want to give
Speaker 1: them this information and we want them to show up
Speaker 1: differently as if they've learned any new skills. They are
Speaker 1: the same. And when we can accept that and really
Speaker 1: honor that, we can protect ourselves a lot better. I
Speaker 1: am thinking of a situation where I used to tell
Speaker 1: someone something right, I would tell them this stuff, and
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, this person would never tell Well, they
Speaker 1: told everyone, right, And so it got to the point
Speaker 1: where I try this, hey, don't tell anybody, and then
Speaker 1: they only told a few people, and I said, silly, goose,
Speaker 1: stop telling them.
Speaker 2: They can't.
Speaker 1: And you know what, this person is so nice they
Speaker 1: are a very kind, sweet but can't keep a secret,
Speaker 1: not as they flaw. They can't keep a secret. They
Speaker 1: can make a macaroni, but they cannot keep a secret.
Speaker 1: I can have an expectation all day, you need to
Speaker 1: keep a secret. They can't. So guess what I don't do.
Speaker 1: I don't share any secrets with this person, anything that
Speaker 1: somebody could find out on the internet. That's what I'm
Speaker 1: gonna say. Book coming out tomorrow, I dare not tell
Speaker 1: them when I'm writing one, because everybody would know.
Speaker 2: You would know, you know.
Speaker 1: So I think it's one of those things where it's
Speaker 1: like we have to know our people and we learn
Speaker 1: by trial and error, right, Like we learn like Okay,
Speaker 1: I said this thing, I did this thing. This happened,
Speaker 1: and it's like we're a scientist in relationships, right like okay,
Speaker 1: so I did this thing. I'll try this next time,
Speaker 1: and we'll see. I do this with my recipes. Whenever
Speaker 1: I bake something, I like to write it down one
Speaker 1: because I want things to taste the same and I
Speaker 1: want to make sure I'm putting the same ingredients in it,
Speaker 1: and I will make notes at the bottom. I'll put
Speaker 1: on like you know, on twelve twelve, twenty twenty three,
Speaker 1: I added pea cons instead of walnuts, right, Like, I
Speaker 1: just want to know what's different, and with our relationships,
Speaker 1: we have to do that too. So you know, the
Speaker 1: last time I told them this or the last time
Speaker 1: I said this thing, this was the reaction.
Speaker 2: So what can I do differently?
Speaker 1: Maybe I share, you know, some part of something with
Speaker 1: them and I say, hey, you know, before I say this,
Speaker 1: please don't give me any feedback. I'm just venting, Like,
Speaker 1: what am I going to do differently so the inter
Speaker 1: action can be different, because if I'm doing the same thing,
Speaker 1: it's going to be the same result each time. I
Speaker 1: will be disappointed, I will be frustrated. I will be
Speaker 1: mad at this person because they are just being themselves
Speaker 1: on a different day and it's hurting my feelings. Let's
Speaker 1: get into this letter. I'm excited about this one. Let's go.
Speaker 3: I've been trying to navigate the relationship with my mom
Speaker 3: for years now, and I don't know where else to turn.
Speaker 3: I took her to family counseling with me about three
Speaker 3: years ago in the hopes of communicating my feelings about
Speaker 3: hurtful things she had done in my childhood. Has set
Speaker 3: in boundaries with the all of having a healthier relationship. Initially,
Speaker 3: the main problems were that I felt she made everything
Speaker 3: in my life about her now her feelings on the topic.
Speaker 3: I wanted to set boundaries such as, don't talk badly
Speaker 3: about my dad to me, please stop commenting on my
Speaker 3: style choices, and please stop giving unsolicited feedback on everything
Speaker 3: I share with you.
Speaker 2: Therety is everything I share with you. I heard it.
Speaker 1: I started there right, everything I share with you. So
Speaker 1: there are things that you were giving this person to
Speaker 1: have feedback about.
Speaker 2: There. There are some people who just can't not give feedback.
Speaker 2: They just can't. I mean, you could put an incense
Speaker 2: in their face. Oh that incense.
Speaker 1: So they just have to say something. Perhaps this is
Speaker 1: the case, you know, with her speaking badly about your
Speaker 1: dad to you. When she starts to do it, what
Speaker 1: do you do I know of some folks. I have
Speaker 1: an uncle in particular, he just watches all the news,
Speaker 1: is all the local world, the paper, all of them,
Speaker 1: and he loves to report the most tragic things.
Speaker 2: And I believe the.
Speaker 1: World is a both good and bad place, and lots
Speaker 1: of things are happening in the world, and I don't
Speaker 1: absolutely need to know everything that's happening every day, all day.
Speaker 1: And he will start some of our conversations with ooh,
Speaker 1: did you say I did not? I did not because
Speaker 1: I don't watch the news. Yeah you said, I don't.
Speaker 1: What did you have for breakfast? Because what we will
Speaker 1: not talk about is the news. I don't need to
Speaker 1: know all of the tragedy that exists in the world.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't be able to walk in my house. I'm
Speaker 1: protecting myself from some anxiety. That's not for everybody, but
Speaker 1: I know me. And so when these conversations start, you know,
Speaker 1: that's what he talks about with people, truly, you know,
Speaker 1: I think everybody he talks to it's like he's talking
Speaker 1: about you know, that's a convert that's the house, the weather,
Speaker 1: It's like, this is the news.
Speaker 2: I don't want you to speak that way with me.
Speaker 1: So when you start down that path of death and
Speaker 1: this and garbage, and we can talk about a lot
Speaker 1: of things, that's not going to be it. I could
Speaker 1: think of two thousand and seven other things to talk about,
Speaker 1: but that's not going to be one of them.
Speaker 2: It's top of the.
Speaker 1: Morning, not how I want to start my day. So
Speaker 1: here are some things that we could talk about. So
Speaker 1: I wonder with your mom, anyone who's listening with this
Speaker 1: person in your life who pushes an agenda with conversations,
Speaker 1: make a list of things you could talk about with
Speaker 1: this person. They are very good at talking about, you know,
Speaker 1: maybe work issues. They are very good at helping you
Speaker 1: pick paint colors. They are very good about helping you
Speaker 1: to perfect your potato salad. You know, like what things
Speaker 1: do you you speak about together? That typically is non
Speaker 1: confrontational and goes well when they start to bring up
Speaker 1: these topics like oh, my gosh, your dad he's a
Speaker 1: terrible Hey, hey, hey, that is something that I've asked
Speaker 1: you before. Please don't talk about that. I understand that
Speaker 1: you want to vent. I think you should talk to Margaret,
Speaker 1: your best friend, about that. I think you should maybe
Speaker 1: find your therapist. But as your daughter, that's a very
Speaker 1: tough topic for me to hear about. I don't want
Speaker 1: to talk about that. Is there something else we could
Speaker 1: talk about? I know that sounds really fine. I know
Speaker 1: some of you are like, oh, I couldn't say that
Speaker 1: to my mama, but you've already told her. Please don't
Speaker 1: talk about my dad. I mean, how do you say
Speaker 1: it the second time? How do you say it the
Speaker 1: third time? All of those times should sound a little different.
Speaker 1: I don't know if you've ever seen a teacher in action,
Speaker 1: but they're like, clap once. If you hear my hands
Speaker 1: clap twise, you know, it gets a little something to it.
Speaker 1: And they're not yelling, but they certainly may project a
Speaker 1: little bit more so that a person can hear them
Speaker 1: and understand, because the ultimate goal here is to not
Speaker 1: have conversations about your dad style choices. Again, it's the
Speaker 1: restate in that boundary. Hey, I understand that you don't
Speaker 1: like the color pink, and you may not have to
Speaker 1: wear it, but it's a color that I love. Please
Speaker 1: don't make any more comments. What we typically do when
Speaker 1: people say stuff that we don't like and we've told
Speaker 1: them one time or two times, it three times not
Speaker 1: to do it. The fifth time that they say it,
Speaker 1: we let it slide. The sixth time they say it,
Speaker 1: we let it slide. It'll get all the way back
Speaker 1: up to fifteen, and then we're like raw, and then
Speaker 1: you know, sixteen they won't do it. You know, we'll
Speaker 1: say something, seventeen, will say something eighteen through thirty.
Speaker 2: Two, we've said nothing. It can really.
Speaker 1: Work out better for us if each and every time
Speaker 1: time we say something back to them, because they're not
Speaker 1: going to stop saying it. It's almost like a reprogramming, right, Like,
Speaker 1: how do I teach you is not okay to talk
Speaker 1: about my style choices? How do I teach you that
Speaker 1: there are some topics that actually make me more depressed
Speaker 1: than anxious? How do I teach you that I'm trying
Speaker 1: to have a relationship with my father and hearing certain
Speaker 1: things is not helpful. Some of that is us protecting
Speaker 1: our boundaries with this person. I'm sure we'll get to
Speaker 1: the point in this where you know the person is
Speaker 1: not listening, to the point where you know you're tired
Speaker 1: of talking about it, and we'll talk a little bit
Speaker 1: about that. Let's go to break and when we come back,
Speaker 1: we will get back to the letter. All right, we're back,
Speaker 1: Let's listen.
Speaker 3: The therapy ended after a couple of sessions, and I
Speaker 3: don't believe she ever really hurt me. Between then and
Speaker 3: now Ebbed and Flowed, we have been pretty low contact,
Speaker 3: and after one of my more recent visits with her,
Speaker 3: I've been considering estrangement. When I do see her, I
Speaker 3: find that my wall comes up and I get defensive.
Speaker 3: I find that I don't want to share about my
Speaker 3: life with her because her experience, I've come to believe
Speaker 3: that she is not capable of showing up in the
Speaker 3: way I need her to. She is consistently negative about
Speaker 3: anything that I get excited about, like graduating law school
Speaker 3: or going to Europe. I've asked her to be more
Speaker 3: positive and support me and what I'm excited about, and
Speaker 3: her response is that it's her job as a parent
Speaker 3: to say the hard things. It seems as though she
Speaker 3: always has to tell me why what I'm doing is
Speaker 3: not how she would be doing it. She believes that
Speaker 3: she has a right to share her opinion about my
Speaker 3: life with me, even when I don't want it. I
Speaker 3: see that my inability or unwillingness to talk to her
Speaker 3: about my personal life hurts her feelings, and I have
Speaker 3: feelings of guilt that I've ruined our relationship. She says
Speaker 3: that she doesn't know how to speak to me. My
Speaker 3: boundaries are too rigid. I find myself feeling resentful towards
Speaker 3: her for consistent patterns of an inability to have healthy
Speaker 3: conversations with me and hear what I have been trying
Speaker 3: to communicate.
Speaker 1: Boundaries will always be highly rigid to a person who
Speaker 1: doesn't want to listen to them, right, it's like, oh
Speaker 1: my gosh, I can't understand what you're saying. Do you
Speaker 1: hear the static? You know, some people just don't want
Speaker 1: to listen to us. Unfortunately, sometimes those people are parents,
Speaker 1: they are you know, significant others, they are family members,
Speaker 1: and it's you know, it's really sad and unfortunate, and
Speaker 1: there is a way for you to you know, it
Speaker 1: goes back to what I said at the top of
Speaker 1: the hour. There's a way for you to be in
Speaker 1: this relationship and maybe not share as much sharing good
Speaker 1: news with someone who's going to have a lackluster response.
Speaker 1: That's self harm. Sharing all of this wonderful information with
Speaker 1: someone who's going to question you out of your perspective
Speaker 1: or cause you to change your mind.
Speaker 2: No, there are.
Speaker 1: Ways that you know, you can be supported in this stuff.
Speaker 1: But it may not be by your mom, who is
Speaker 1: saying I don't get it. Why can't I say whatever
Speaker 1: I want to say. Some people truly believe that that
Speaker 1: because I have this role in your life as a parent,
Speaker 1: I can say whatever I want to say.
Speaker 2: Your mother is stating her belief.
Speaker 1: Like your belief is no, I should be able to
Speaker 1: you know, have these healthy boundaries, and your mother is like, no,
Speaker 1: you shouldn't. That's tough, and I wonder if you could
Speaker 1: just sit with that, right, like, there may not be
Speaker 1: space in this relationship to get her to change. Is
Speaker 1: there a room in this relationship for you to do
Speaker 1: some things differently with her? Yeah, yeah, it would be.
Speaker 1: I don't even know if we would call these boundaries.
Speaker 1: If people just listen to whatever we said the first time,
Speaker 1: or if they just understood like, yeah, that's not how
Speaker 1: you talk to people, we wouldn't even need boundaries. We
Speaker 1: need them because it's not happening for some of us.
Speaker 1: There are some things that we want improved in our relationships.
Speaker 1: So with your mom, you know, I'm hearing a few things.
Speaker 1: One is you're sharing things with the expectation that she
Speaker 1: will respond differently. So right there, I think you can
Speaker 1: share when you're ready for her response, or you could
Speaker 1: maybe not share. You know, when she talks about certain
Speaker 1: topics with you that make you uncomfortable, I think you
Speaker 1: can address it and just say that, like, I'm really
Speaker 1: uncomfortable with you talking about this, please don't do it.
Speaker 1: Or you could say, hey, mom, we've talked about that,
Speaker 1: and because we've talked about it, I'm now going to
Speaker 1: change the subject. Your mom's saying things like I don't understand,
Speaker 1: I don't even know how to talk to you. Well,
Speaker 1: you've told her. She doesn't want to do it. She
Speaker 1: wants to be able to talk to you about anything
Speaker 1: that she wants to talk to you about. So yeah,
Speaker 1: she's gonna.
Speaker 2: Say, oh, I don't know, I don't know what to do.
Speaker 1: You know, it's like faux helplessness, like I don't know
Speaker 1: what to say here is like I just gave you
Speaker 1: the paper say this thing right here. She doesn't want
Speaker 1: to And that's really tough because our expectations sometimes of
Speaker 1: our parent is that they'll learn and they'll you know,
Speaker 1: parent us in this way that we want to be parented,
Speaker 1: and that is sometimes not true. People have their own
Speaker 1: agenda when they have children. You have some parents who say,
Speaker 1: you know, my kids must know five languages, my kids
Speaker 1: must be involved in the arts. My kids will not
Speaker 1: do any arts. You know, like, parents have their own agenda.
Speaker 1: So getting your mother, even through therapy to parent in
Speaker 1: a different way. It might not be the best option
Speaker 1: because she doesn't want to when she's not ready. She's
Speaker 1: not seeing any errors in what she's doing. You said,
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, I don't think she heard me. When
Speaker 1: I was, you know, talking to her in therapy. I
Speaker 1: think she heard you, just fine. She didn't listen. Listening
Speaker 1: is application right, like following through. Oh I'm going to
Speaker 1: take that. I'm going to do something with it. She's
Speaker 1: not listening to you. She heard everything that was said.
Speaker 1: Now was she daydreaming when it was said? Maybe, but
Speaker 1: she heard it. That doesn't mean that she has to
Speaker 1: implement it. So she did hear you. It's just, you know,
Speaker 1: it could be I disagree with you. I think there's
Speaker 1: another way to do this. I want to do my
Speaker 1: own thing. There are so many things that could be
Speaker 1: going on here, but the one thing that you can
Speaker 1: address is the way that you show up in the relationship.
Speaker 1: Sounds like like your mother is not yet ready to change,
Speaker 1: but you really really wanted to. Let's take a break
Speaker 1: and we'll be right back, and we're back, let's keep listening.
Speaker 3: Ultimately, I'm wondering if it's me who's the problem for
Speaker 3: shutting down many topics of conversation with her, or if
Speaker 3: it is a reasonable response to her inability to listen
Speaker 3: and support How do I know if my boundaries are
Speaker 3: too rigid? How can we have a relationship when she
Speaker 3: wants to talk about everything and I only want to
Speaker 3: talk about topics that I know will not cause conflict.
Speaker 3: Can we have a relationship at all?
Speaker 1: Maybe it depends on your mom's willingness to talk about
Speaker 1: other topics. That uncle that I mentioned, he no longer
Speaker 1: brings up news stories and he will now start with
Speaker 1: you know, I've been trying to cut down on watching
Speaker 1: the news, which is really wonderful after years of mentioning,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, like my anxiety is through the roof
Speaker 1: when you talk about these things like you know, it
Speaker 1: took him sort of me saying like I noticed a
Speaker 1: shift in my energy when at the top of the
Speaker 1: day I'm hearing about tragedy like it just it does
Speaker 1: something to me. Now, maybe you could watch it and
Speaker 1: you could go on about your workday and file your
Speaker 1: papers or whatever you do at work. I can't now
Speaker 1: I'm stuck and it's eight am. This is not good
Speaker 1: for me, and so I think he started to notice like, wow,
Speaker 1: like I talk about this a lot with people, Like
Speaker 1: there's so many other things to talk about. But it
Speaker 1: did take some consistency on my part to say, ugh,
Speaker 1: can we talk about something else? I'm willing to talk
Speaker 1: about other things? Just what could those things be outside
Speaker 1: of the things that you would normally go to in conversation?
Speaker 1: You know, I think about that sometimes when you know
Speaker 1: certain people are heavy on the gossip, and you know,
Speaker 1: it's like, Okay, well don't I don't want to talk
Speaker 1: about that person and their husband. But you know, there
Speaker 1: are other topics that I love to talk about, like
Speaker 1: what's you know, what's the appropriate heel length? If is
Speaker 1: it three inches or four? Like what feels good on
Speaker 1: your foot? Like, I can think of tons of things
Speaker 1: to talk about and just shift that conversation to something else.
Speaker 1: So again, I encourage you to think of what can
Speaker 1: you talk about?
Speaker 2: Make a must?
Speaker 1: These are things I can talk about with my mom.
Speaker 1: These are topics that we're able to process without arguing.
Speaker 1: Here's a good space where she can listen. When I
Speaker 1: have good news, I will wait blank amount of days
Speaker 1: before I share it. Maybe you need to get a
Speaker 1: massage before you share it and watch two comedies and
Speaker 1: then let her know. You may be able to figure
Speaker 1: out some rhythm there, or you can decide, you know,
Speaker 1: this is a person I just don't want to talk
Speaker 1: to about anything or talking.
Speaker 2: To it all.
Speaker 1: You have options, but I do want you to know
Speaker 1: sometimes we can be in relationships with unchanged people because
Speaker 1: we've changed. I no longer have the expectation that you're
Speaker 1: going to have anything hopeful or you know, inviting to
Speaker 1: say when I tell you this. I no longer have
Speaker 1: the expectation that you won't talk about my father.
Speaker 2: I no longer have.
Speaker 1: The expectation that you should like my style. I've changed
Speaker 1: my expectations of you. And you know, a thing about style.
Speaker 1: Style is so particular and personal. And even when I'm
Speaker 1: shopping in the store, I'll look at the salesperson and
Speaker 1: they like, yeah, you should get this, and I.
Speaker 2: Look at the outfit. I'm like, girl, I don't want
Speaker 2: to dress like you, you know.
Speaker 1: So it's such a personal There may be certain colors,
Speaker 1: certain cuts, certain you know, fabrics where it's like not
Speaker 1: my thing, you know. So someone's saying like, oh, oh
Speaker 1: I don't like that shirt, Well what kind of shirts
Speaker 1: do they wear. Are those shirts that you even want
Speaker 1: to wear? I think about that. It's so personal. Now
Speaker 1: they don't have to share with you that they don't
Speaker 1: like your shirt. But you know, style is such a
Speaker 1: personal thing, and so sometimes when people are saying things,
Speaker 1: it's really personal to them. And I get it. They
Speaker 1: feel like they have this perspective.
Speaker 2: But you know, in my.
Speaker 1: Head, I'm like, you're not Naomi Campbell, you know, like
Speaker 1: I'm not listening to you. But they I don't want
Speaker 1: to say thank you, but you know, even maybe saying hey,
Speaker 1: our style is different, you know, like sometimes the age
Speaker 1: gap with a mother and daughter, Like there's so many
Speaker 1: things there that you can say that my transition that conversation,
Speaker 1: I think about my children who are in mid drift
Speaker 1: showing era, and you.
Speaker 2: Know what I think about it. I'm like, oh, my
Speaker 2: stomach would be so cold.
Speaker 3: That's what I like.
Speaker 2: A high ride.
Speaker 1: I want my belly button cover at all time. This
Speaker 1: code out here, you know.
Speaker 2: So these are the things I think about, and they're like, yes,
Speaker 2: belly out.
Speaker 1: You know, like it's not that they need to dress
Speaker 1: like me. I need to dress like them. There are
Speaker 1: some things I just need to be quiet about and
Speaker 1: some of us don't know that. Some of us have
Speaker 1: not mastered the power of quiet. Some of us have
Speaker 1: not mastered Your.
Speaker 2: Opinion doesn't matter.
Speaker 1: We are still a work in progress, or we're not
Speaker 1: even working. How about that some of us are on
Speaker 1: break from any healing, and it's prolonged, it's always under construction,
Speaker 1: forever and ever. We haven't started. Some of us are
Speaker 1: not doing any work, and we're not doing any work,
Speaker 1: and we're in these you know, relationships with folks like you,
Speaker 1: who I'm sure has you know, followed me on Instagram,
Speaker 1: read my book, you listen to this podcast. You are healing,
Speaker 1: You are on a journey. You know the boundaries of
Speaker 1: parents and child and what parents shouldn't talk about with children.
Speaker 1: You know that it's not okay for you to comment
Speaker 1: on people's fashion and body and all of this stuff.
Speaker 1: Your mother, she may not know that. I don't know
Speaker 1: if she follows me on Instagram. I don't know if
Speaker 1: she read the books. I don't know if she listened
Speaker 1: to the podcast.
Speaker 2: And if she did, you know what she may say
Speaker 2: when she look at those videos.
Speaker 1: Look at that girl hand gesture, She's silly, you know, like,
Speaker 1: who knows? So what someone else is getting from something.
Speaker 1: But our healing is our healing, and somebody else is
Speaker 1: not healing, lack of growth, stuck this that's their stuff.
Speaker 1: And one thing that many of us do not have
Speaker 1: time for is to do anybody else's work. I can't
Speaker 1: even do all the work I'm supposed to do, not
Speaker 1: in the day and probably not in a lifetime, so
Speaker 1: I certainly cannot help another and do their work.
Speaker 2: I would fail daily here. Okay, so here's all the
Speaker 2: work you have to and put a over there.
Speaker 1: No, m m no, we don't have that level of time.
Speaker 1: What we can do is our stuff. And when we're
Speaker 1: reading these books, going to therapy, listening to podcasts, we
Speaker 1: are hopefully learning how to exist in the world with
Speaker 1: people who are doing none of that with a level
Speaker 1: of compassion that says, look how much they're hurting. They
Speaker 1: don't even see how they're showing up instead of oh
Speaker 1: they need a change, like me, I hear a lot
Speaker 1: of steps in between. You know, it's this work is hard,
Speaker 1: you know, it's it's really hard, And sometimes I understand
Speaker 1: why people don't do it at all, because I'd be like,
Speaker 1: I do not want to feel anything. I don't I
Speaker 1: do not want to feel these feelings. I would rather
Speaker 1: not today. So even uncovering this stuff, recognizing that there
Speaker 1: were some judgment errors in your parenting, that's a lot.
Speaker 1: That's a lot. You need to hear this. You may
Speaker 1: be the only person in your relationship doing the work.
Speaker 1: And what is the work. The work could be, you know,
Speaker 1: unraveling some of the things that you were taught that
Speaker 1: are no longer helpful, learning how to exist in relationships
Speaker 1: with people in a boundaried and healthy way. You may
Speaker 1: be the only person doing that, so do not be
Speaker 1: shocked when you encounter people who are not open to
Speaker 1: the work and who are not open to change. You
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