WEBVTT - Do The Work Solo 0:00:00.840 --> 0:00:04.320 Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm nedroglover to WIB and you 0:00:04.559 --> 0:00:08.520 need to hear this. In today's call, we are talking 0:00:08.560 --> 0:00:13.360 about unsolicited comments or feedback. I have a lot to 0:00:13.400 --> 0:00:17.639 say about this. The first thing is we have to 0:00:17.680 --> 0:00:21.720 be mindful of how we invite people in. Sometimes just 0:00:21.800 --> 0:00:25.320 talking to a certain person about a topic is an 0:00:25.520 --> 0:00:28.880 entrance for them to provide feedback. It could be as 0:00:28.920 --> 0:00:33.120 simple as I bought a purple house. A purple house, 0:00:33.159 --> 0:00:37.400 Oh I don't like the color purple. Listen, we can 0:00:37.520 --> 0:00:40.600 just sit here together and stare at walls. Maybe I 0:00:40.640 --> 0:00:43.239 don't share things because I don't want to hear what 0:00:43.280 --> 0:00:45.400 you have to say about it. We know who those 0:00:45.440 --> 0:00:47.599 people are in our lives. We have to figure out, 0:00:47.680 --> 0:00:50.800 like what things can we say to particular people and 0:00:50.840 --> 0:00:52.680 what things we just don't want to talk about. I 0:00:52.680 --> 0:00:55.480 don't want to talk about real estate with you, because 0:00:55.520 --> 0:00:58.680 then it goes down this path of whatever I don't 0:00:58.720 --> 0:01:01.840 want to talk about, you know, things about shopping or 0:01:01.880 --> 0:01:04.200 my body in front of you, because then these sort 0:01:04.240 --> 0:01:07.119 of comments come out. So figuring out our people can 0:01:07.160 --> 0:01:10.520 be really helpful. There is a part of us that 0:01:10.600 --> 0:01:13.679 feels like, well, guess what I should be able to 0:01:13.680 --> 0:01:17.080 talk about whatever I want to with my mom, with 0:01:17.200 --> 0:01:20.680 my brother, with my you know, we'll put that role there, 0:01:20.720 --> 0:01:24.920 like whoever that person is, and it's like, well, you can't, 0:01:25.319 --> 0:01:29.200 you cannot. There are some people it's like, y'all only 0:01:29.240 --> 0:01:34.039 really need to talk about weather, like which weather app 0:01:34.080 --> 0:01:37.280 are you using? Are you using the weather dot com? 0:01:37.400 --> 0:01:40.000 Or are you using what comes on the That's all 0:01:40.080 --> 0:01:44.560 we can talk about because if we talk about anything else, 0:01:44.720 --> 0:01:45.720 it doesn't. 0:01:45.440 --> 0:01:46.200 Go very well. 0:01:46.920 --> 0:01:49.520 You know who those folks are in your life, and 0:01:49.600 --> 0:01:53.440 sometimes we don't really honor that. We want to give 0:01:53.480 --> 0:01:55.920 them this information and we want them to show up 0:01:56.280 --> 0:02:00.680 differently as if they've learned any new skills. They are 0:02:00.720 --> 0:02:03.880 the same. And when we can accept that and really 0:02:04.000 --> 0:02:07.960 honor that, we can protect ourselves a lot better. I 0:02:08.200 --> 0:02:13.560 am thinking of a situation where I used to tell 0:02:13.680 --> 0:02:16.320 someone something right, I would tell them this stuff, and 0:02:16.320 --> 0:02:18.720 I'm like, oh, this person would never tell Well, they 0:02:18.760 --> 0:02:22.000 told everyone, right, And so it got to the point 0:02:22.080 --> 0:02:26.440 where I try this, hey, don't tell anybody, and then 0:02:26.440 --> 0:02:29.840 they only told a few people, and I said, silly, goose, 0:02:30.600 --> 0:02:32.120 stop telling them. 0:02:32.960 --> 0:02:33.560 They can't. 0:02:33.600 --> 0:02:38.000 And you know what, this person is so nice they 0:02:38.040 --> 0:02:42.680 are a very kind, sweet but can't keep a secret, 0:02:43.200 --> 0:02:47.720 not as they flaw. They can't keep a secret. They 0:02:47.760 --> 0:02:52.280 can make a macaroni, but they cannot keep a secret. 0:02:53.960 --> 0:02:57.120 I can have an expectation all day, you need to 0:02:57.200 --> 0:03:00.480 keep a secret. They can't. So guess what I don't do. 0:03:01.040 --> 0:03:04.359 I don't share any secrets with this person, anything that 0:03:04.440 --> 0:03:07.040 somebody could find out on the internet. That's what I'm 0:03:07.040 --> 0:03:13.119 gonna say. Book coming out tomorrow, I dare not tell 0:03:13.160 --> 0:03:18.160 them when I'm writing one, because everybody would know. 0:03:18.240 --> 0:03:19.680 You would know, you know. 0:03:19.919 --> 0:03:22.400 So I think it's one of those things where it's 0:03:22.400 --> 0:03:24.880 like we have to know our people and we learn 0:03:24.919 --> 0:03:27.400 by trial and error, right, Like we learn like Okay, 0:03:27.440 --> 0:03:29.720 I said this thing, I did this thing. This happened, 0:03:29.880 --> 0:03:33.440 and it's like we're a scientist in relationships, right like okay, 0:03:33.600 --> 0:03:35.840 so I did this thing. I'll try this next time, 0:03:36.440 --> 0:03:39.000 and we'll see. I do this with my recipes. Whenever 0:03:39.040 --> 0:03:42.000 I bake something, I like to write it down one 0:03:42.440 --> 0:03:44.320 because I want things to taste the same and I 0:03:44.320 --> 0:03:46.440 want to make sure I'm putting the same ingredients in it, 0:03:47.040 --> 0:03:49.160 and I will make notes at the bottom. I'll put 0:03:49.200 --> 0:03:51.960 on like you know, on twelve twelve, twenty twenty three, 0:03:52.040 --> 0:03:56.840 I added pea cons instead of walnuts, right, Like, I 0:03:56.960 --> 0:03:59.480 just want to know what's different, and with our relationships, 0:03:59.480 --> 0:04:01.600 we have to do that too. So you know, the 0:04:01.680 --> 0:04:04.200 last time I told them this or the last time 0:04:04.240 --> 0:04:06.040 I said this thing, this was the reaction. 0:04:06.160 --> 0:04:07.680 So what can I do differently? 0:04:07.760 --> 0:04:10.600 Maybe I share, you know, some part of something with 0:04:10.680 --> 0:04:13.800 them and I say, hey, you know, before I say this, 0:04:14.320 --> 0:04:17.840 please don't give me any feedback. I'm just venting, Like, 0:04:18.279 --> 0:04:22.160 what am I going to do differently so the inter 0:04:22.520 --> 0:04:25.120 action can be different, because if I'm doing the same thing, 0:04:25.360 --> 0:04:29.000 it's going to be the same result each time. I 0:04:29.040 --> 0:04:32.040 will be disappointed, I will be frustrated. I will be 0:04:32.160 --> 0:04:35.839 mad at this person because they are just being themselves 0:04:36.279 --> 0:04:40.560 on a different day and it's hurting my feelings. Let's 0:04:40.640 --> 0:04:43.839 get into this letter. I'm excited about this one. Let's go. 0:04:45.480 --> 0:04:48.160 I've been trying to navigate the relationship with my mom 0:04:48.240 --> 0:04:50.880 for years now, and I don't know where else to turn. 0:04:51.560 --> 0:04:53.680 I took her to family counseling with me about three 0:04:53.720 --> 0:04:56.200 years ago in the hopes of communicating my feelings about 0:04:56.279 --> 0:04:59.000 hurtful things she had done in my childhood. Has set 0:04:59.080 --> 0:05:03.080 in boundaries with the all of having a healthier relationship. Initially, 0:05:03.600 --> 0:05:06.039 the main problems were that I felt she made everything 0:05:06.080 --> 0:05:09.000 in my life about her now her feelings on the topic. 0:05:09.960 --> 0:05:12.920 I wanted to set boundaries such as, don't talk badly 0:05:12.960 --> 0:05:15.560 about my dad to me, please stop commenting on my 0:05:15.600 --> 0:05:19.600 style choices, and please stop giving unsolicited feedback on everything 0:05:19.640 --> 0:05:20.360 I share with you. 0:05:21.800 --> 0:05:24.360 Therety is everything I share with you. I heard it. 0:05:25.080 --> 0:05:28.680 I started there right, everything I share with you. So 0:05:29.640 --> 0:05:33.039 there are things that you were giving this person to 0:05:33.160 --> 0:05:34.280 have feedback about. 0:05:34.320 --> 0:05:36.960 There. There are some people who just can't not give feedback. 0:05:37.880 --> 0:05:40.960 They just can't. I mean, you could put an incense 0:05:40.960 --> 0:05:42.400 in their face. Oh that incense. 0:05:42.440 --> 0:05:47.080 So they just have to say something. Perhaps this is 0:05:47.080 --> 0:05:50.640 the case, you know, with her speaking badly about your 0:05:50.760 --> 0:05:54.720 dad to you. When she starts to do it, what 0:05:54.760 --> 0:05:58.640 do you do I know of some folks. I have 0:05:58.680 --> 0:06:01.679 an uncle in particular, he just watches all the news, 0:06:01.760 --> 0:06:06.160 is all the local world, the paper, all of them, 0:06:06.600 --> 0:06:10.000 and he loves to report the most tragic things. 0:06:10.040 --> 0:06:12.040 And I believe the. 0:06:11.960 --> 0:06:14.119 World is a both good and bad place, and lots 0:06:14.120 --> 0:06:15.960 of things are happening in the world, and I don't 0:06:16.000 --> 0:06:19.440 absolutely need to know everything that's happening every day, all day. 0:06:19.839 --> 0:06:22.600 And he will start some of our conversations with ooh, 0:06:22.680 --> 0:06:26.159 did you say I did not? I did not because 0:06:26.160 --> 0:06:30.760 I don't watch the news. Yeah you said, I don't. 0:06:30.880 --> 0:06:34.800 What did you have for breakfast? Because what we will 0:06:34.839 --> 0:06:39.760 not talk about is the news. I don't need to 0:06:39.920 --> 0:06:42.839 know all of the tragedy that exists in the world. 0:06:42.880 --> 0:06:45.560 I wouldn't be able to walk in my house. I'm 0:06:45.640 --> 0:06:50.240 protecting myself from some anxiety. That's not for everybody, but 0:06:50.360 --> 0:06:56.280 I know me. And so when these conversations start, you know, 0:06:56.440 --> 0:07:00.279 that's what he talks about with people, truly, you know, 0:07:00.400 --> 0:07:03.880 I think everybody he talks to it's like he's talking 0:07:03.880 --> 0:07:06.279 about you know, that's a convert that's the house, the weather, 0:07:06.360 --> 0:07:07.919 It's like, this is the news. 0:07:09.279 --> 0:07:10.960 I don't want you to speak that way with me. 0:07:11.160 --> 0:07:15.720 So when you start down that path of death and 0:07:15.960 --> 0:07:21.520 this and garbage, and we can talk about a lot 0:07:21.560 --> 0:07:23.640 of things, that's not going to be it. I could 0:07:23.640 --> 0:07:26.560 think of two thousand and seven other things to talk about, 0:07:26.880 --> 0:07:28.760 but that's not going to be one of them. 0:07:28.880 --> 0:07:29.800 It's top of the. 0:07:29.720 --> 0:07:32.760 Morning, not how I want to start my day. So 0:07:33.000 --> 0:07:35.320 here are some things that we could talk about. So 0:07:35.440 --> 0:07:38.960 I wonder with your mom, anyone who's listening with this 0:07:39.160 --> 0:07:43.600 person in your life who pushes an agenda with conversations, 0:07:43.840 --> 0:07:45.800 make a list of things you could talk about with 0:07:45.840 --> 0:07:49.080 this person. They are very good at talking about, you know, 0:07:49.160 --> 0:07:51.960 maybe work issues. They are very good at helping you 0:07:52.040 --> 0:07:55.640 pick paint colors. They are very good about helping you 0:07:55.720 --> 0:07:59.360 to perfect your potato salad. You know, like what things 0:07:59.680 --> 0:08:03.960 do you you speak about together? That typically is non 0:08:04.040 --> 0:08:07.720 confrontational and goes well when they start to bring up 0:08:07.760 --> 0:08:11.280 these topics like oh, my gosh, your dad he's a 0:08:11.400 --> 0:08:16.040 terrible Hey, hey, hey, that is something that I've asked 0:08:16.080 --> 0:08:18.920 you before. Please don't talk about that. I understand that 0:08:18.960 --> 0:08:22.520 you want to vent. I think you should talk to Margaret, 0:08:22.600 --> 0:08:25.440 your best friend, about that. I think you should maybe 0:08:25.520 --> 0:08:28.960 find your therapist. But as your daughter, that's a very 0:08:28.960 --> 0:08:31.840 tough topic for me to hear about. I don't want 0:08:31.880 --> 0:08:34.000 to talk about that. Is there something else we could 0:08:34.040 --> 0:08:36.960 talk about? I know that sounds really fine. I know 0:08:37.040 --> 0:08:39.720 some of you are like, oh, I couldn't say that 0:08:39.800 --> 0:08:41.920 to my mama, but you've already told her. Please don't 0:08:41.960 --> 0:08:44.000 talk about my dad. I mean, how do you say 0:08:44.040 --> 0:08:45.560 it the second time? How do you say it the 0:08:45.600 --> 0:08:48.320 third time? All of those times should sound a little different. 0:08:49.160 --> 0:08:51.439 I don't know if you've ever seen a teacher in action, 0:08:51.559 --> 0:08:54.160 but they're like, clap once. If you hear my hands 0:08:54.360 --> 0:08:57.720 clap twise, you know, it gets a little something to it. 0:08:57.800 --> 0:09:01.200 And they're not yelling, but they certainly may project a 0:09:01.200 --> 0:09:03.360 little bit more so that a person can hear them 0:09:03.360 --> 0:09:07.160 and understand, because the ultimate goal here is to not 0:09:07.600 --> 0:09:16.040 have conversations about your dad style choices. Again, it's the 0:09:17.320 --> 0:09:21.160 restate in that boundary. Hey, I understand that you don't 0:09:21.280 --> 0:09:25.520 like the color pink, and you may not have to 0:09:25.520 --> 0:09:27.960 wear it, but it's a color that I love. Please 0:09:27.960 --> 0:09:31.720 don't make any more comments. What we typically do when 0:09:31.880 --> 0:09:34.400 people say stuff that we don't like and we've told 0:09:34.440 --> 0:09:36.440 them one time or two times, it three times not 0:09:36.520 --> 0:09:38.560 to do it. The fifth time that they say it, 0:09:38.600 --> 0:09:40.560 we let it slide. The sixth time they say it, 0:09:40.640 --> 0:09:42.360 we let it slide. It'll get all the way back 0:09:42.440 --> 0:09:46.880 up to fifteen, and then we're like raw, and then 0:09:47.160 --> 0:09:49.559 you know, sixteen they won't do it. You know, we'll 0:09:49.600 --> 0:09:54.160 say something, seventeen, will say something eighteen through thirty. 0:09:53.840 --> 0:09:57.000 Two, we've said nothing. It can really. 0:09:56.720 --> 0:10:00.000 Work out better for us if each and every time 0:10:00.120 --> 0:10:03.480 time we say something back to them, because they're not 0:10:03.640 --> 0:10:07.240 going to stop saying it. It's almost like a reprogramming, right, Like, 0:10:08.040 --> 0:10:10.600 how do I teach you is not okay to talk 0:10:10.640 --> 0:10:13.560 about my style choices? How do I teach you that 0:10:13.559 --> 0:10:16.319 there are some topics that actually make me more depressed 0:10:16.320 --> 0:10:19.600 than anxious? How do I teach you that I'm trying 0:10:19.600 --> 0:10:22.520 to have a relationship with my father and hearing certain 0:10:22.559 --> 0:10:27.000 things is not helpful. Some of that is us protecting 0:10:27.120 --> 0:10:30.199 our boundaries with this person. I'm sure we'll get to 0:10:30.280 --> 0:10:33.880 the point in this where you know the person is 0:10:33.880 --> 0:10:36.720 not listening, to the point where you know you're tired 0:10:36.720 --> 0:10:38.880 of talking about it, and we'll talk a little bit 0:10:38.880 --> 0:10:41.880 about that. Let's go to break and when we come back, 0:10:41.920 --> 0:10:50.400 we will get back to the letter. All right, we're back, 0:10:50.480 --> 0:10:51.120 Let's listen. 0:10:53.520 --> 0:10:56.000 The therapy ended after a couple of sessions, and I 0:10:56.000 --> 0:10:59.200 don't believe she ever really hurt me. Between then and 0:10:59.240 --> 0:11:03.880 now Ebbed and Flowed, we have been pretty low contact, 0:11:04.480 --> 0:11:06.640 and after one of my more recent visits with her, 0:11:07.200 --> 0:11:11.080 I've been considering estrangement. When I do see her, I 0:11:11.120 --> 0:11:13.199 find that my wall comes up and I get defensive. 0:11:13.559 --> 0:11:15.080 I find that I don't want to share about my 0:11:15.120 --> 0:11:18.160 life with her because her experience, I've come to believe 0:11:18.200 --> 0:11:20.000 that she is not capable of showing up in the 0:11:20.000 --> 0:11:23.320 way I need her to. She is consistently negative about 0:11:23.360 --> 0:11:26.600 anything that I get excited about, like graduating law school 0:11:26.679 --> 0:11:29.199 or going to Europe. I've asked her to be more 0:11:29.240 --> 0:11:32.080 positive and support me and what I'm excited about, and 0:11:32.120 --> 0:11:34.440 her response is that it's her job as a parent 0:11:34.520 --> 0:11:37.840 to say the hard things. It seems as though she 0:11:37.960 --> 0:11:40.920 always has to tell me why what I'm doing is 0:11:40.960 --> 0:11:43.679 not how she would be doing it. She believes that 0:11:43.720 --> 0:11:45.560 she has a right to share her opinion about my 0:11:45.600 --> 0:11:48.680 life with me, even when I don't want it. I 0:11:48.720 --> 0:11:51.400 see that my inability or unwillingness to talk to her 0:11:51.440 --> 0:11:54.200 about my personal life hurts her feelings, and I have 0:11:54.240 --> 0:11:57.760 feelings of guilt that I've ruined our relationship. She says 0:11:57.800 --> 0:12:00.160 that she doesn't know how to speak to me. My 0:12:00.160 --> 0:12:04.560 boundaries are too rigid. I find myself feeling resentful towards 0:12:04.559 --> 0:12:07.760 her for consistent patterns of an inability to have healthy 0:12:07.760 --> 0:12:10.520 conversations with me and hear what I have been trying 0:12:10.559 --> 0:12:11.319 to communicate. 0:12:13.200 --> 0:12:16.920 Boundaries will always be highly rigid to a person who 0:12:16.960 --> 0:12:20.120 doesn't want to listen to them, right, it's like, oh 0:12:20.120 --> 0:12:22.640 my gosh, I can't understand what you're saying. Do you 0:12:22.720 --> 0:12:24.920 hear the static? You know, some people just don't want 0:12:24.960 --> 0:12:28.319 to listen to us. Unfortunately, sometimes those people are parents, 0:12:28.880 --> 0:12:32.120 they are you know, significant others, they are family members, 0:12:32.160 --> 0:12:36.400 and it's you know, it's really sad and unfortunate, and 0:12:36.440 --> 0:12:39.800 there is a way for you to you know, it 0:12:39.800 --> 0:12:41.240 goes back to what I said at the top of 0:12:41.280 --> 0:12:43.080 the hour. There's a way for you to be in 0:12:43.120 --> 0:12:46.640 this relationship and maybe not share as much sharing good 0:12:46.760 --> 0:12:52.000 news with someone who's going to have a lackluster response. 0:12:52.559 --> 0:12:58.240 That's self harm. Sharing all of this wonderful information with 0:12:58.360 --> 0:13:02.079 someone who's going to question you out of your perspective 0:13:02.400 --> 0:13:05.120 or cause you to change your mind. 0:13:06.080 --> 0:13:08.040 No, there are. 0:13:07.920 --> 0:13:11.880 Ways that you know, you can be supported in this stuff. 0:13:11.920 --> 0:13:14.000 But it may not be by your mom, who is 0:13:14.040 --> 0:13:16.200 saying I don't get it. Why can't I say whatever 0:13:16.240 --> 0:13:20.040 I want to say. Some people truly believe that that 0:13:20.880 --> 0:13:25.240 because I have this role in your life as a parent, 0:13:25.840 --> 0:13:27.600 I can say whatever I want to say. 0:13:28.120 --> 0:13:31.040 Your mother is stating her belief. 0:13:31.000 --> 0:13:34.520 Like your belief is no, I should be able to 0:13:34.840 --> 0:13:37.920 you know, have these healthy boundaries, and your mother is like, no, 0:13:38.120 --> 0:13:42.800 you shouldn't. That's tough, and I wonder if you could 0:13:42.840 --> 0:13:46.600 just sit with that, right, like, there may not be 0:13:46.720 --> 0:13:53.760 space in this relationship to get her to change. Is 0:13:53.840 --> 0:13:57.320 there a room in this relationship for you to do 0:13:57.400 --> 0:14:01.960 some things differently with her? Yeah, yeah, it would be. 0:14:03.440 --> 0:14:05.360 I don't even know if we would call these boundaries. 0:14:05.400 --> 0:14:08.680 If people just listen to whatever we said the first time, 0:14:08.800 --> 0:14:11.880 or if they just understood like, yeah, that's not how 0:14:11.920 --> 0:14:15.440 you talk to people, we wouldn't even need boundaries. We 0:14:15.640 --> 0:14:18.920 need them because it's not happening for some of us. 0:14:19.520 --> 0:14:23.480 There are some things that we want improved in our relationships. 0:14:23.520 --> 0:14:26.680 So with your mom, you know, I'm hearing a few things. 0:14:26.720 --> 0:14:31.760 One is you're sharing things with the expectation that she 0:14:31.800 --> 0:14:36.400 will respond differently. So right there, I think you can 0:14:37.160 --> 0:14:40.880 share when you're ready for her response, or you could 0:14:42.200 --> 0:14:48.080 maybe not share. You know, when she talks about certain 0:14:48.160 --> 0:14:51.040 topics with you that make you uncomfortable, I think you 0:14:51.160 --> 0:14:54.120 can address it and just say that, like, I'm really 0:14:54.240 --> 0:14:57.480 uncomfortable with you talking about this, please don't do it. 0:14:57.560 --> 0:14:59.560 Or you could say, hey, mom, we've talked about that, 0:14:59.720 --> 0:15:02.400 and because we've talked about it, I'm now going to 0:15:02.480 --> 0:15:08.120 change the subject. Your mom's saying things like I don't understand, 0:15:08.160 --> 0:15:10.080 I don't even know how to talk to you. Well, 0:15:10.120 --> 0:15:13.520 you've told her. She doesn't want to do it. She 0:15:13.600 --> 0:15:16.320 wants to be able to talk to you about anything 0:15:16.400 --> 0:15:19.640 that she wants to talk to you about. So yeah, 0:15:19.720 --> 0:15:20.640 she's gonna. 0:15:20.320 --> 0:15:22.960 Say, oh, I don't know, I don't know what to do. 0:15:23.600 --> 0:15:27.960 You know, it's like faux helplessness, like I don't know 0:15:28.000 --> 0:15:29.840 what to say here is like I just gave you 0:15:29.880 --> 0:15:32.720 the paper say this thing right here. She doesn't want 0:15:32.760 --> 0:15:36.560 to And that's really tough because our expectations sometimes of 0:15:36.560 --> 0:15:39.520 our parent is that they'll learn and they'll you know, 0:15:39.680 --> 0:15:43.040 parent us in this way that we want to be parented, 0:15:43.480 --> 0:15:45.760 and that is sometimes not true. People have their own 0:15:45.800 --> 0:15:49.560 agenda when they have children. You have some parents who say, 0:15:49.600 --> 0:15:52.680 you know, my kids must know five languages, my kids 0:15:52.800 --> 0:15:56.080 must be involved in the arts. My kids will not 0:15:56.120 --> 0:16:00.280 do any arts. You know, like, parents have their own agenda. 0:16:00.360 --> 0:16:04.960 So getting your mother, even through therapy to parent in 0:16:05.000 --> 0:16:09.280 a different way. It might not be the best option 0:16:09.360 --> 0:16:11.640 because she doesn't want to when she's not ready. She's 0:16:11.680 --> 0:16:16.240 not seeing any errors in what she's doing. You said, 0:16:16.320 --> 0:16:19.720 Oh my gosh, I don't think she heard me. When 0:16:19.800 --> 0:16:23.080 I was, you know, talking to her in therapy. I 0:16:23.080 --> 0:16:26.360 think she heard you, just fine. She didn't listen. Listening 0:16:26.520 --> 0:16:29.160 is application right, like following through. Oh I'm going to 0:16:29.200 --> 0:16:31.120 take that. I'm going to do something with it. She's 0:16:31.120 --> 0:16:33.920 not listening to you. She heard everything that was said. 0:16:34.040 --> 0:16:37.920 Now was she daydreaming when it was said? Maybe, but 0:16:38.080 --> 0:16:40.560 she heard it. That doesn't mean that she has to 0:16:40.600 --> 0:16:44.840 implement it. So she did hear you. It's just, you know, 0:16:44.880 --> 0:16:47.160 it could be I disagree with you. I think there's 0:16:47.240 --> 0:16:49.560 another way to do this. I want to do my 0:16:49.680 --> 0:16:53.160 own thing. There are so many things that could be 0:16:53.240 --> 0:16:55.720 going on here, but the one thing that you can 0:16:55.760 --> 0:16:59.200 address is the way that you show up in the relationship. 0:16:59.520 --> 0:17:03.360 Sounds like like your mother is not yet ready to change, 0:17:03.760 --> 0:17:07.240 but you really really wanted to. Let's take a break 0:17:07.440 --> 0:17:15.520 and we'll be right back, and we're back, let's keep listening. 0:17:16.560 --> 0:17:19.679 Ultimately, I'm wondering if it's me who's the problem for 0:17:19.720 --> 0:17:23.440 shutting down many topics of conversation with her, or if 0:17:23.440 --> 0:17:26.320 it is a reasonable response to her inability to listen 0:17:26.480 --> 0:17:29.479 and support How do I know if my boundaries are 0:17:29.480 --> 0:17:32.720 too rigid? How can we have a relationship when she 0:17:32.840 --> 0:17:35.639 wants to talk about everything and I only want to 0:17:35.680 --> 0:17:38.160 talk about topics that I know will not cause conflict. 0:17:38.920 --> 0:17:40.640 Can we have a relationship at all? 0:17:42.600 --> 0:17:46.760 Maybe it depends on your mom's willingness to talk about 0:17:46.840 --> 0:17:50.479 other topics. That uncle that I mentioned, he no longer 0:17:50.600 --> 0:17:54.880 brings up news stories and he will now start with 0:17:55.680 --> 0:17:57.639 you know, I've been trying to cut down on watching 0:17:57.680 --> 0:18:03.280 the news, which is really wonderful after years of mentioning, 0:18:03.440 --> 0:18:06.240 oh my gosh, like my anxiety is through the roof 0:18:06.280 --> 0:18:09.359 when you talk about these things like you know, it 0:18:09.800 --> 0:18:14.240 took him sort of me saying like I noticed a 0:18:14.320 --> 0:18:16.600 shift in my energy when at the top of the 0:18:16.720 --> 0:18:22.000 day I'm hearing about tragedy like it just it does 0:18:22.080 --> 0:18:24.800 something to me. Now, maybe you could watch it and 0:18:24.840 --> 0:18:27.040 you could go on about your workday and file your 0:18:27.080 --> 0:18:30.040 papers or whatever you do at work. I can't now 0:18:30.080 --> 0:18:32.920 I'm stuck and it's eight am. This is not good 0:18:33.600 --> 0:18:37.280 for me, and so I think he started to notice like, wow, 0:18:37.400 --> 0:18:39.439 like I talk about this a lot with people, Like 0:18:39.480 --> 0:18:42.679 there's so many other things to talk about. But it 0:18:42.720 --> 0:18:46.520 did take some consistency on my part to say, ugh, 0:18:47.320 --> 0:18:50.560 can we talk about something else? I'm willing to talk 0:18:50.600 --> 0:18:54.160 about other things? Just what could those things be outside 0:18:54.200 --> 0:18:58.200 of the things that you would normally go to in conversation? 0:18:58.760 --> 0:19:01.159 You know, I think about that sometimes when you know 0:19:01.280 --> 0:19:04.520 certain people are heavy on the gossip, and you know, 0:19:04.600 --> 0:19:06.880 it's like, Okay, well don't I don't want to talk 0:19:06.880 --> 0:19:10.040 about that person and their husband. But you know, there 0:19:10.080 --> 0:19:12.760 are other topics that I love to talk about, like 0:19:12.800 --> 0:19:15.399 what's you know, what's the appropriate heel length? If is 0:19:15.440 --> 0:19:18.480 it three inches or four? Like what feels good on 0:19:18.520 --> 0:19:21.919 your foot? Like, I can think of tons of things 0:19:21.960 --> 0:19:25.920 to talk about and just shift that conversation to something else. 0:19:26.000 --> 0:19:29.240 So again, I encourage you to think of what can 0:19:29.280 --> 0:19:30.280 you talk about? 0:19:30.960 --> 0:19:31.560 Make a must? 0:19:31.720 --> 0:19:33.760 These are things I can talk about with my mom. 0:19:33.840 --> 0:19:38.320 These are topics that we're able to process without arguing. 0:19:38.960 --> 0:19:42.479 Here's a good space where she can listen. When I 0:19:42.760 --> 0:19:45.879 have good news, I will wait blank amount of days 0:19:45.920 --> 0:19:48.600 before I share it. Maybe you need to get a 0:19:48.640 --> 0:19:51.560 massage before you share it and watch two comedies and 0:19:51.600 --> 0:19:54.080 then let her know. You may be able to figure 0:19:54.080 --> 0:19:56.719 out some rhythm there, or you can decide, you know, 0:19:56.840 --> 0:19:58.480 this is a person I just don't want to talk 0:19:58.480 --> 0:20:00.200 to about anything or talking. 0:20:00.119 --> 0:20:00.600 To it all. 0:20:01.920 --> 0:20:04.600 You have options, but I do want you to know 0:20:04.720 --> 0:20:08.920 sometimes we can be in relationships with unchanged people because 0:20:08.960 --> 0:20:12.600 we've changed. I no longer have the expectation that you're 0:20:12.640 --> 0:20:16.280 going to have anything hopeful or you know, inviting to 0:20:16.359 --> 0:20:18.919 say when I tell you this. I no longer have 0:20:18.960 --> 0:20:22.159 the expectation that you won't talk about my father. 0:20:22.800 --> 0:20:23.760 I no longer have. 0:20:23.760 --> 0:20:28.919 The expectation that you should like my style. I've changed 0:20:28.920 --> 0:20:33.840 my expectations of you. And you know, a thing about style. 0:20:34.640 --> 0:20:39.520 Style is so particular and personal. And even when I'm 0:20:39.520 --> 0:20:42.000 shopping in the store, I'll look at the salesperson and 0:20:42.040 --> 0:20:44.120 they like, yeah, you should get this, and I. 0:20:44.119 --> 0:20:46.240 Look at the outfit. I'm like, girl, I don't want 0:20:46.280 --> 0:20:47.840 to dress like you, you know. 0:20:47.960 --> 0:20:51.440 So it's such a personal There may be certain colors, 0:20:51.480 --> 0:20:56.639 certain cuts, certain you know, fabrics where it's like not 0:20:56.800 --> 0:21:00.240 my thing, you know. So someone's saying like, oh, oh 0:21:00.320 --> 0:21:02.200 I don't like that shirt, Well what kind of shirts 0:21:02.200 --> 0:21:04.800 do they wear. Are those shirts that you even want 0:21:04.840 --> 0:21:08.800 to wear? I think about that. It's so personal. Now 0:21:08.880 --> 0:21:11.000 they don't have to share with you that they don't 0:21:11.080 --> 0:21:14.919 like your shirt. But you know, style is such a 0:21:14.960 --> 0:21:18.320 personal thing, and so sometimes when people are saying things, 0:21:18.480 --> 0:21:21.000 it's really personal to them. And I get it. They 0:21:21.040 --> 0:21:24.000 feel like they have this perspective. 0:21:24.200 --> 0:21:25.080 But you know, in my. 0:21:25.040 --> 0:21:27.879 Head, I'm like, you're not Naomi Campbell, you know, like 0:21:28.440 --> 0:21:31.240 I'm not listening to you. But they I don't want 0:21:31.240 --> 0:21:33.960 to say thank you, but you know, even maybe saying hey, 0:21:34.000 --> 0:21:37.600 our style is different, you know, like sometimes the age 0:21:37.600 --> 0:21:39.520 gap with a mother and daughter, Like there's so many 0:21:39.560 --> 0:21:44.080 things there that you can say that my transition that conversation, 0:21:44.200 --> 0:21:47.520 I think about my children who are in mid drift 0:21:47.600 --> 0:21:49.000 showing era, and you. 0:21:48.960 --> 0:21:50.440 Know what I think about it. I'm like, oh, my 0:21:50.480 --> 0:21:51.760 stomach would be so cold. 0:21:53.080 --> 0:21:54.520 That's what I like. 0:21:56.920 --> 0:21:57.680 A high ride. 0:21:57.680 --> 0:22:00.399 I want my belly button cover at all time. This 0:22:00.600 --> 0:22:02.199 code out here, you know. 0:22:02.280 --> 0:22:04.800