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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,

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Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big

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Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they

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Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.

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Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, Wherever

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Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to

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Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode, perhaps the most

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Speaker 1: quintessential twenty something episode we have done in a while. Today,

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Speaker 1: we're going to talk about the sensation of feeling lost

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Speaker 1: after university and struggling to figure out kind of what

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Speaker 1: we're doing with our lives. A lot of that career confusion.

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Speaker 1: College university, for those of us who have the opportunity

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Speaker 1: to go, feels like a bit of a really safe bubble,

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Speaker 1: a bit of a magical whirlwind, like we're getting a

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Speaker 1: bit of a teaser for adulthood, and it's exciting, and

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Speaker 1: we have so much freedom, and there's this very singular

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Speaker 1: goal that we're working towards. We're working towards graduation, and

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Speaker 1: whatever comes after that kind of feels like a really big,

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Speaker 1: ominous cloud, something that we can both ignore but are

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Speaker 1: also very increasingly aware of. That ways, that decision paralysis,

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Speaker 1: that sense of what is going to come next, weighs

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Speaker 1: really heavily on our mind. I think the closer that

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Speaker 1: it gets if you are experiencing some of that anticipatory

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Speaker 1: anxiety around where do I go to next, or perhaps

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Speaker 1: you're in that period right now facing the post graduation blues,

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Speaker 1: I really empathize with you. I think it's not an

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Speaker 1: easy transition. But it's also not one that we see

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Speaker 1: speak about enough. I think we expect people to leave university,

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Speaker 1: leave college and have some grand idea or some path forward,

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Speaker 1: and very rarely, I think, does that happen. Very rarely

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Speaker 1: do we have the answers to all of those questions

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Speaker 1: that we are going to face post graduation, like what

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Speaker 1: do I actually want to do with my life? What

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Speaker 1: is going to make me feel fulfilled? What are my goals?

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Speaker 1: What is my vision? Am I happy right now? What

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Speaker 1: am I going to do when I start losing my friends?

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Speaker 1: So many things that kind of pile up, and I

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Speaker 1: think that that's something that we really need to talk about.

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Speaker 1: That experience is one that we haven't spoken about on

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Speaker 1: the show, despite it being really important. The one thing

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Speaker 1: that our twenties promise us, and I say this all

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Speaker 1: the time, is choice and change. No matter where you

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Speaker 1: are in the world, who you are the plans might envision,

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Speaker 1: this decade is going to throw you a lot of

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Speaker 1: curve balls, some of which we can predict and some

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Speaker 1: that we can't. I think that's all part of the game,

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Speaker 1: part of the fun of being in this transitional period

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Speaker 1: of life. But it's also why we kind of colloquially

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Speaker 1: hear about our twenties being called the panic years, the

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Speaker 1: panic of having to find yourself amongst discovering the things

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Speaker 1: that society expects from you, such as our career, the

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Speaker 1: types of relationships we want, the type of person that

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Speaker 1: we want to be. Graduating university and having to discover

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Speaker 1: who you are beyond the structure of schooling is one

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Speaker 1: of those curve balls, even if we anticipate it, because

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Speaker 1: what it does is it presents accumulation of a lot

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Speaker 1: of life stresses and changes that naturally leave us feeling

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Speaker 1: very overwhelmed, perhaps even a little bit aimless. It kind

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Speaker 1: of feels like the first chapter of adulthood is actually

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Speaker 1: beginning while that former chapter is closing, one that we

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Speaker 1: are probably very nostalgic for one that we possibly really enjoyed.

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Speaker 1: So it's actually coined its very own phrase, known as

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Speaker 1: post graduation blues or depression. And it's not a clinical term,

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Speaker 1: I will state that as of yet at least, But

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Speaker 1: the fact that we have a term for an experience

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Speaker 1: a lot of us go through kind of goes to

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Speaker 1: show how universality is. To feel anxious, to feel uncomfortable,

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Speaker 1: to feel stuck, even depressed or lost after university and

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Speaker 1: perhaps you needed that reminder that you are not the

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Speaker 1: only one. And it's a combination, in my opinion, of

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Speaker 1: four factors in particular that leave us in this emotional

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Speaker 1: kind of a mental state of stagnation. Oftentimes we just

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Speaker 1: think about the confusion associated with needing to fully act

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Speaker 1: as an adult and make choices when it comes to

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Speaker 1: finding a but it's also firstly losing friends postgraduation and

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Speaker 1: no longer having that natural, convenient friend group formed around

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Speaker 1: you based on the fact that you're all at a

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Speaker 1: similar stage in life and in the same place. You

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Speaker 1: really do begin to notice some of those friendships of convenience.

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Speaker 1: It's something we're all going to experience. The scattering of

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Speaker 1: friends across the country, even across the globe, and so

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Speaker 1: it feels like, suddenly, out of the blue, you're quite isolated.

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Speaker 1: After years of having your friends live just around the

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Speaker 1: corner or down the block, it feels really lonely to

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Speaker 1: not have that support system. I promise that that is

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Speaker 1: completely normal. I felt it immensely after I graduated, as

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Speaker 1: one of the people who you know, did move away

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Speaker 1: from where I went to university. I did lose friends,

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Speaker 1: and that's something that I don't feel comfortable saying. But

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Speaker 1: the thing that I've noticed is that you're not going

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Speaker 1: to lose the people you truly want to hang on to,

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Speaker 1: the ones that you have a very deep connection with.

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Speaker 1: If anything, I think it's an important transitional moment because

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Speaker 1: you shared some of those relationships that perhaps were not

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Speaker 1: as meaningful as you imagined, and post graduation, graduating university

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Speaker 1: is when you gain that perspective. There is like one

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Speaker 1: way that I really like to stay in touch with

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Speaker 1: my friends, and it's with this app called a gape. Okay,

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Speaker 1: this is not sponsored. I'm just a really huge fan

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Speaker 1: of their work. So it's essentially where you send a

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Speaker 1: question once a day or whenever you would like that

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Speaker 1: spur conversation about what's going on in your daily life, stories,

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Speaker 1: funny moments, deeper topics, and you and your friend or

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Speaker 1: even your partner each get to answer throughout the day

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Speaker 1: and see the other person's respet. Honestly, when I discovered

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Speaker 1: this app, it was such a game changer. But also

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Speaker 1: things like planning facetimes and trips to see each other.

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Speaker 1: Making an event out of it is so meaningful. In

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Speaker 1: that post graduation period. You'll also make new friends for

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Speaker 1: this new chapter. I really do guarantee it work. Friends

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Speaker 1: and travel friends and those kind of people that you

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Speaker 1: just meet one day and suddenly it feels like you've

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Speaker 1: known them forever. Those people are coming into your life,

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Speaker 1: they are on their way, They are already out there,

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Speaker 1: you just haven't met them yet. So I would say

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Speaker 1: I understand that it's really stressful seeing perhaps your friend

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Speaker 1: group kind of splinter, but it does find its way

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Speaker 1: back to you. You do find a way through it.

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Speaker 1: The second factor contributing to this stress is financial anxiety.

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Speaker 1: A lot of us, myself included, finish college university with

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Speaker 1: some kind of debt or financial insecurity, whereby we really

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Speaker 1: feel the pressure to start earning money immediately to pay

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Speaker 1: off our loans to pay our bills, to just pay

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Speaker 1: for an adult lifestyle. In fact, it's really interesting because

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Speaker 1: that sense of impending financial doom associated with a lot

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Speaker 1: of student loan debt really does negatively impact our mental

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Speaker 1: health in our sense of coping. There was a study

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Speaker 1: done that around sixty two percent of Americans. It was

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Speaker 1: conducted in the US. They reported that they experienced some

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Speaker 1: sense of stress, anxiety pressure associated with needing to make

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Speaker 1: money straight out of university to pay back their debt.

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Speaker 1: I think the stress of also maybe not having a

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Speaker 1: full time job lined up is also incredibly just anxiety inducing.

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Speaker 1: I remember, speaking from experience, checking how much debt I

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Speaker 1: was in the day after I graduated, literally the day

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Speaker 1: after I graduated, and being speechless, and I'm going to

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Speaker 1: be completely honest, I still have not paid all of

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Speaker 1: that off some four years later. Financial anxiety and this

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Speaker 1: sort of massive life stressor that we're experiencing where we're

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Speaker 1: always worrying about money and we're always worried about how

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Speaker 1: we're going to kind of get on our feet as adults.

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Speaker 1: It makes us feel like we need to make decisions

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Speaker 1: really quickly. We need to get a real adult job,

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Speaker 1: a high paying adult job right out of the gate,

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Speaker 1: and even if you are lucky enough to graduate with

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Speaker 1: no debt, I think being a college student versus being

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Speaker 1: a graduate comes with a different level of expenses, but

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Speaker 1: also a different expectation that you should kind of be

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Speaker 1: on your way to building some sort of career or

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Speaker 1: saving for a home or some kind of long term

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Speaker 1: financial plan. And that financial anxiety causes a lot of

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Speaker 1: stress for many of us. It can lead to a

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Speaker 1: lot of sleepless nights. It can also make us feel

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Speaker 1: like we really need to start accomplishing all the things

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Speaker 1: we want right now at once in this moment, like

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Speaker 1: we kind of have to make all of our moves

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Speaker 1: at once. But honestly, good things take time, and they

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Speaker 1: take diligence, and they take consistency and sometimes just a

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Speaker 1: little bit of luck. If it's not working out right now,

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Speaker 1: if you are not working your dream job or succeeding

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Speaker 1: in everything that you wish you were doing, if you're

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Speaker 1: not where you want to be at the moment, just

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Speaker 1: remember a lot can change in a few years. Speaking

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Speaker 1: from experience and kind of the best paths, the best

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Speaker 1: journeys are ones that are not seamless, that they're not easy.

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Speaker 1: I also think there's a really inherent sense of competition

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Speaker 1: and comparison during this transitional period, especially around the post

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Speaker 1: college job hunt. I remember applying for graduate jobs when

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Speaker 1: I was about to leave university and a getting rejected

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Speaker 1: from a lot of them, and b just realizing that

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Speaker 1: there are a lot of competent people out there. How

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Speaker 1: in the world are we all going to find jobs?

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Speaker 1: Will I actually be able to work somewhere or do

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Speaker 1: something where I'm satisfied. And that was also combined with

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Speaker 1: the absolute terror of working a nine to five, which

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Speaker 1: just felt so unnatural to me given the previous freedom

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Speaker 1: I had when I was studying and working casual or

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Speaker 1: seasonal jobs. It's a huge adjustment to enter into an

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Speaker 1: eight hour work week, five days a week. There's this

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Speaker 1: kind of lifestyle change where it feels like your life

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Speaker 1: now needs to fit in around your job, and it's

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Speaker 1: really exhausting. I always say to people who are struggling

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Speaker 1: with that to just give it six months, give your

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Speaker 1: body and your mind six months to adapt and find

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Speaker 1: its rhythm, because that first little period is going to

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Speaker 1: be a struggle, and you may even question whether this

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Speaker 1: is really the life for you, which I think is

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Speaker 1: an important question to ask, to not be afraid of,

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Speaker 1: and I think it's one that more and more of

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Speaker 1: us are questioning each year. Is the nine to five

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Speaker 1: really the optimal way of living and working because it

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Speaker 1: doesn't feel inherently fulfilling, and it can feel really, really terrifying.

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Speaker 1: And that really brings me to my next point, which

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Speaker 1: has to do with choice overload. We talk about this

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Speaker 1: concept a lot on the podcast because I think it's

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Speaker 1: one of the defining theories of our twenties. But for

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Speaker 1: a refresh. In psychology, choice overload refers to having too

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Speaker 1: many choices or options such that it actually causes decision

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Speaker 1: or analysis paralysis. It actually makes us makes it harder

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Speaker 1: for us to pick between them, which is intuitive, but

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Speaker 1: they've done studies on this with actual postgraduate students whereby

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Speaker 1: the more options they perceived having available to them, the

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Speaker 1: more likely they were to struggle with feeling satisfied choosing

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Speaker 1: just one because they were a lot more fearful of

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Speaker 1: the what if. What if I make the wrong choice

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Speaker 1: and regret it? That can make us feel very lost

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Speaker 1: having to choose between so many different possible pathways, and

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Speaker 1: humans we just like to have fewer choices because it

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Speaker 1: means fewer scenarios to weigh up, fewer cost benefit analysis

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Speaker 1: to conduct. But in our twenties, we are presented with

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Speaker 1: a lot of different forks in the road or the path.

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Speaker 1: Do you start the corporate job, do you go traveling

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Speaker 1: for a while, Do you do some postgraduate education, or

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Speaker 1: do you keep working your retail or your hospitality job

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Speaker 1: until you find something you love. Do you pursue your

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Speaker 1: big creative dream. Each of these scenarios comes with pros

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Speaker 1: and cons. They have their benefits, but they also have

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Speaker 1: their downsides, and deciding between them can feel like we're

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Speaker 1: kind of closing more doors for ourselves than we're opening.

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Speaker 1: And I think one of the worst realizations or fears

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Speaker 1: we can have is what if we are limiting ourselves

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Speaker 1: too young, too soon. It's a fear of missing out,

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Speaker 1: not just on a social scale, but a fear of

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Speaker 1: missing out on life. I honestly think personally, this is

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Speaker 1: a massive fallacy, the fallacy that we can't have it all,

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Speaker 1: We can't live all those different lives that we want

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Speaker 1: to live. I think you can have it all, but

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Speaker 1: you can't have it all at once at the same time.

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Speaker 1: I spoke about this on our Milestone Anxiety episode, but

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Speaker 1: I think it still does ring true. I'd like to

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Speaker 1: think of my twenties like a series of chapters or seasons,

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Speaker 1: kind of like your favorite TV show, where each season

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Speaker 1: see is the character changing or in some new environment

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Speaker 1: or relationship, having some new experience. Season one is twenty

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Speaker 1: to twenty two. It's kind of our founding years. It's

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Speaker 1: our coming of age. Season season two twenty three to

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Speaker 1: twenty four. We're getting on our feet. Maybe we have

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Speaker 1: our first job. We've moved to a new city or

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Speaker 1: into a new apartment or a sharehouse. There's new characters,

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Speaker 1: there's new environments. Season three is twenty five to twenty six,

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Speaker 1: Season four obviously twenty seven to twenty eight, and season

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Speaker 1: five the finale, twenty nine to thirty. Your twenties are

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Speaker 1: not just one long chapter, one big chunk of years.

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Speaker 1: You have, at least, depending on how you see it,

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Speaker 1: five seasons in this decade, Five two year seasons that

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Speaker 1: you can choose to feel with whatever you envision. You

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Speaker 1: can start jobs and quit jobs. You can fall in

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Speaker 1: love and out of love, cut your hair, let it

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Speaker 1: grow back again, travel, return home. You can spend a

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Speaker 1: year doing nothing but pursuing some deep creative passion, because

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Speaker 1: you have nine other years during this decade to figure

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Speaker 1: it out. And also, it doesn't end there, you know,

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Speaker 1: It's not like your thirties or a death sentence or

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Speaker 1: the end of the road. I think the biggest myth

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Speaker 1: that we tell ourselves postgraduation is that the most exciting

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Speaker 1: chapter in our lives has come to an end. And

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Speaker 1: I can solidly tell you that that is not the case.

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Speaker 1: Nostalgia will keep you stuck feeling that way, Nostalgia for

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Speaker 1: the uni days, for the good times. But this is

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Speaker 1: really the beginning. I just cannot stress enough. This is

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Speaker 1: the beginning of something amazing, and you are going to

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Speaker 1: experience so many surprises that life is going to hand

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Speaker 1: your way that perhaps you right now state of post

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Speaker 1: graduation blues, just can't really foresee. And I think that

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Speaker 1: short sightedness often comes from a place of transitional anxiety.

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Speaker 1: So transitional anxiety is kind it's a form of anxiety,

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Speaker 1: obviously a form of stress and worry that primarily comes

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Speaker 1: from a significant life change. Humans, we are creatures of comfort.

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Speaker 1: We don't like huge events that upend our sense of stability.

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Speaker 1: Security or emotional homeostasis, kind of that sense of internal

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Speaker 1: calmness and consistency. Graduating university. Although it feels very positive,

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Speaker 1: it is a moment of celebration, it is a massive accomplishment,

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Speaker 1: it is also still a source of stress because we

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Speaker 1: are transitioning from one chapter of our life to the

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Speaker 1: next one in which we are going to encounter novel

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Speaker 1: and new situations that we haven't necessarily practiced for because

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Speaker 1: we've never been exposed to them, one where we really

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Speaker 1: can't predict what's going to happen next. And if you

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Speaker 1: think about it, graduating, especially from college or university, is

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Speaker 1: really you exiting almost two decades of a very familiar,

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Speaker 1: structured way of living and operating. For most of us,

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Speaker 1: we go from primary school to high school to college.

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Speaker 1: That is the last fifteen years of your life in

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Speaker 1: the schooling system, working behaving in a very similar way,

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Speaker 1: doing this same kind of task, just at a gradually

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Speaker 1: increasing intensity. Kind of all you've ever known since you

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Speaker 1: were a child, is this one way of doing things

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Speaker 1: in pursuit of this large goal that seems really far

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Speaker 1: away until you graduate, until it's happening right now, and

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Speaker 1: then it's over. You stop studying for perhaps the first

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Speaker 1: time in your life, and all of your goals that

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Speaker 1: you've had for so long suddenly are accomplished, and it

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Speaker 1: shifts to something bigger and something intangible. You are no

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Speaker 1: longer working towards that one thing that you have been

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Speaker 1: striving for since you entered the education system, and that

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Speaker 1: can be a catalyst for a lack of purpose. And

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Speaker 1: purpose is something that we all need. It's a deep

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Speaker 1: psychological need to feel fulfilled and to feel meaningful. I

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Speaker 1: think it also comes with a lot of joy as well,

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Speaker 1: and a huge sense of relief. Fifteen years is a

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Speaker 1: massive marathon of effort and hours, and you are probably

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Speaker 1: exhausted by the time you get to the end. But

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Speaker 1: it's also the end to a structure and a daily

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Speaker 1: routine that we're familiar with. In that environment, it's also

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Speaker 1: very easy to define success. You know, there is a

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Speaker 1: correlation between effort and results. You study harder, you get a's,

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Speaker 1: you succeed, you're praised. Post university, adult life does not

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Speaker 1: operate in the same AI way, So it is confusing

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Speaker 1: to be in this new system where sometimes you aren't

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Speaker 1: rewarded for effort. Sometimes you can work really hard towards

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Speaker 1: your dreams and it's not correlated with success. So we

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Speaker 1: have that combined shock to the system where A we've

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Speaker 1: never known anything different and we're having to figure that out,

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Speaker 1: and B we've achieved the thing that we've been working

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Speaker 1: for and towards for decades. So now what what next?

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Speaker 1: What next? It's a really common conundrum. But here's the secret.

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Speaker 1: No one has a clue, and everyone who looks like

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Speaker 1: they do has just faked it really well until they

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Speaker 1: figured it out. Honestly, myself included, I think I'm still

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Speaker 1: faking it most days. And you are highly capable, you

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Speaker 1: are adaptable, you have faced change and challenges before. This

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Speaker 1: is just the next quest, the next opportunity to kind

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Speaker 1: of test your character and grow as millions have done

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Speaker 1: before you and come out the other side. It's also important,

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Speaker 1: especially when it comes to career confusion or not knowing

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Speaker 1: what you actually want to do in your life, to

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Speaker 1: decenter work from your sense of identity. The way you

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Speaker 1: choose to make money is only one facet to who

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Speaker 1: you are. Your career is only one small element of

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Speaker 1: your self concept, and once we take that off a pedestal,

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Speaker 1: we are able to enjoy life for all of its

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Speaker 1: nuances and small joys, rather than feeling this pressure to

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Speaker 1: be one hundred percent satisfied with our jobs, or feel

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Speaker 1: lost when that one component of our life is perhaps

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Speaker 1: not going so well or we're still confused. Think of

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Speaker 1: your life and your identity as a series of buckets

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Speaker 1: that include your relationships, your friends, your family, your partners,

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Speaker 1: your hobbies, the things that make you feel intent and excited,

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Speaker 1: what you like doing beyond work, your goals, the broader

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Speaker 1: things in life that you want to work towards, your

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Speaker 1: physical and mental health, your values, how you want to behave,

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Speaker 1: who you want to be, your passions. You know that's

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Speaker 1: more than hobbies, more than values. What are the things

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Speaker 1: that you can spend hours talking about? You know, what

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00:22:21,119 --> 00:22:23,960
Speaker 1: kind of Wikipedia page would you know? Back to front?

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Speaker 1: What's an issue that you find meaningful? You need to

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00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:33,440
Speaker 1: fill all of those buckets equally. You need to pour

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Speaker 1: your time and your energy and your effort into all

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Speaker 1: those things to feel fulfilled. And I think I see

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Speaker 1: people get into trouble when they don't diversify who they are.

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Speaker 1: They see themselves as just their careers, and they neglect

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Speaker 1: their relationships, they neglect their health, they neglect their passions

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Speaker 1: because we are increasingly living in a world, in a

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Speaker 1: society where you professional success is a determinant of your

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Speaker 1: self worth. And yet we did not evolve to be

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Speaker 1: those kinds of creatures. We evolved to live multi dimensional lives.

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Speaker 1: And I would say, amongst all of those buckets that

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Speaker 1: make up your identity, what you do for work is

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Speaker 1: probably the least important if those other facets of yourself

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Speaker 1: remain full and alive. It's like that thing that people

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Speaker 1: always say, you know, you're never going to wish that

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Speaker 1: you'd spend more time in the office, And when things

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Speaker 1: like sickness, or when your relationships are falling apart, or

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Speaker 1: when there's something happening in your family, work always goes

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Speaker 1: on the back burner. Right. It's not the most important

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Speaker 1: thing for who you are. And you know, it's okay

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Speaker 1: if you don't know what you want to do. It's

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Speaker 1: okay if you're feeling a little bit lost. This is

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Speaker 1: a significant transition, perhaps one of the biggest ones that

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Speaker 1: will make before retirement. So be kind to yourself. And

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Speaker 1: what I really want to talk about next is some

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Speaker 1: tips I have for addressing that feeling of being a

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Speaker 1: little bit aimless, feeling a little bit unhappy, confused postgraduation,

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Speaker 1: and also how to manage some of that career confusion.

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Speaker 1: It's all fine and good for me to sit here

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Speaker 1: and reassure you that you'll be fine, But I also

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Speaker 1: think that a lot of us benefit from some practical

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Speaker 1: steps towards where we're going, some practical steps forward. So

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Speaker 1: we are going to talk about all of that and

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Speaker 1: more after this short break. Feeling lost does not come

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Speaker 1: with an easy exit plan. I think if that was

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Speaker 1: the case, we wouldn't be feeling that way in the

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Speaker 1: first place, right, Like, that's the irony. If we could

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Speaker 1: just snap our fingers and suddenly find our calling, we

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Speaker 1: would all be doing that. On that point point, I

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Speaker 1: don't actually think there is such a thing as a

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Speaker 1: calling or one thing on this planet that we were

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Speaker 1: each made to do only one thing. Instead, I think

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Speaker 1: we all have certain aptitudes, things that we excel at,

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Speaker 1: and discovering what those are is what allows us to

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Speaker 1: discover a whole number of things that we would be

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Speaker 1: good at, perhaps equally that we would love doing equally.

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Speaker 1: That aptitude, combined with our passion, what kind of lights

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Speaker 1: our soul, what provides us with a sense of drive

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Speaker 1: and mission and meaning is kind of the formula to

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Speaker 1: minimizing that sense of career confusion and having a sense forward,

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Speaker 1: having a sense of a power forward. I guess. So

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Speaker 1: what you need to find is that combination of aptitude

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Speaker 1: and passion, and that won't always be obvious, but here's

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Speaker 1: how you can identify it. Identifying aptitude is the easiest step,

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00:25:59,240 --> 00:26:02,040
Speaker 1: So let's start there. Here's kind of a few questions

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00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:05,280
Speaker 1: I often refer to, and I want you to mentally

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00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:08,080
Speaker 1: answer them, and I want you to answer them honestly.

404
00:26:09,080 --> 00:26:12,200
Speaker 1: What kind of tasks are you most excited to do

405
00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:15,840
Speaker 1: in your daily life but also in your professional life?

406
00:26:16,560 --> 00:26:20,320
Speaker 1: When do you feel like you are in a flow state?

407
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:23,040
Speaker 1: So a flow state is a mental state where we

408
00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:27,959
Speaker 1: are entirely focused on a single activity and time passes

409
00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:31,320
Speaker 1: quite quickly without us knowing. Do you like to plan

410
00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:34,359
Speaker 1: or are you okay to be led and let others plan.

411
00:26:35,119 --> 00:26:39,919
Speaker 1: What kind of skills come naturally to you? Is it

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00:26:40,040 --> 00:26:43,200
Speaker 1: talking to people and feeling like they always open up,

413
00:26:43,720 --> 00:26:47,480
Speaker 1: Maybe being able to really easily rationalize ideas, to form

414
00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:50,479
Speaker 1: really good arguments. Maybe you're creative. Do you have a

415
00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:55,600
Speaker 1: really esthetic brain? I have one friend, Sarah. Shout out

416
00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:58,800
Speaker 1: to Sarah, I fucking love her. But Sarah has this

417
00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:03,159
Speaker 1: really aesthetic eye and I do not. She can really

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00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:08,199
Speaker 1: easily make things incredibly beautiful, and she sees potential for

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00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:13,600
Speaker 1: beauty in very everyday things and really brings that beauty out.

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Speaker 1: You know, I look at her and I look at me,

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00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:17,760
Speaker 1: and I'm like, Okay, that's something that we're different at.

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00:27:17,840 --> 00:27:21,960
Speaker 1: She has this very unique aptitude and skill for doing

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00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:26,360
Speaker 1: those things. There are just some abilities which psychologists theorize

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00:27:26,480 --> 00:27:30,159
Speaker 1: just come more naturally to some people rather than others,

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00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:33,920
Speaker 1: And maybe that's based on our temperament, our perspective, how

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00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:37,720
Speaker 1: our brains process information. But instead of trying to do

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00:27:37,760 --> 00:27:39,719
Speaker 1: the things that you are not good at and beating

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00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:42,679
Speaker 1: yourself up because you are not like someone else in

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00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:46,000
Speaker 1: some department, focus on the things that you bring to

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00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:48,800
Speaker 1: the table, even if they are not as deeply acknowledged

431
00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:53,000
Speaker 1: or even if people aren't as ready to praise them.

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00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:56,720
Speaker 1: Those skills are always needed. Every single skill that someone

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00:27:56,800 --> 00:28:01,600
Speaker 1: has has a place. So discovering your PA is another thing.

434
00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:04,480
Speaker 1: But I have some questions for that as well. And

435
00:28:04,920 --> 00:28:07,120
Speaker 1: I think also the thing of passion is that sometimes

436
00:28:07,119 --> 00:28:10,040
Speaker 1: it can be subconscious. So that's why when I say

437
00:28:10,080 --> 00:28:13,240
Speaker 1: these questions, I want you to think about them really

438
00:28:13,840 --> 00:28:19,320
Speaker 1: deeply and without bias. Answer authentically, without thinking about what

439
00:28:19,359 --> 00:28:22,240
Speaker 1: you think someone else would want you to say. What

440
00:28:22,359 --> 00:28:25,360
Speaker 1: would you do in your spare time if you had

441
00:28:25,400 --> 00:28:29,560
Speaker 1: no time constraints? What did you love doing as a child.

442
00:28:29,720 --> 00:28:32,560
Speaker 1: What did you always aspire to be as a child,

443
00:28:33,119 --> 00:28:36,240
Speaker 1: and do you still harbor that dream? What are the

444
00:28:36,359 --> 00:28:41,200
Speaker 1: compliments that people give you that you often overlook? What

445
00:28:41,240 --> 00:28:44,640
Speaker 1: do people come to you for? Is it advice or

446
00:28:44,680 --> 00:28:49,800
Speaker 1: is it for something really practical, something intuitive, even fixing clothes,

447
00:28:49,920 --> 00:28:52,560
Speaker 1: or for travel advice or asking you to take pictures

448
00:28:52,560 --> 00:28:56,160
Speaker 1: of them? What is intuitive for you that others can

449
00:28:56,240 --> 00:28:59,520
Speaker 1: also see? And finally, I know it is such a

450
00:28:59,560 --> 00:29:02,760
Speaker 1: cliche question, but what would you do if money was

451
00:29:02,760 --> 00:29:06,479
Speaker 1: no option? You know, what would you do if money

452
00:29:07,400 --> 00:29:12,240
Speaker 1: was no option? Obviously money is a factor in a

453
00:29:12,280 --> 00:29:15,160
Speaker 1: lot of the decisions that we make, but pretend it

454
00:29:15,200 --> 00:29:18,720
Speaker 1: isn't for a second, and answer without prejudice here, without

455
00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:22,320
Speaker 1: thinking about what's impractical, or what your family wants or

456
00:29:22,360 --> 00:29:25,840
Speaker 1: what society expects. What is the thing that you could

457
00:29:25,920 --> 00:29:29,800
Speaker 1: spend hours doing that would make you feel most fulfilled.

458
00:29:30,560 --> 00:29:33,080
Speaker 1: I think the one thing that stops us from doing

459
00:29:33,080 --> 00:29:36,560
Speaker 1: what we love more than anything else is the fear

460
00:29:36,560 --> 00:29:38,760
Speaker 1: of it not working out or the fear of failure.

461
00:29:39,200 --> 00:29:41,600
Speaker 1: And that comes from a lot of secondary fears, a

462
00:29:41,640 --> 00:29:45,520
Speaker 1: fear of embarrassment, a fear of disappointing people, a fear

463
00:29:45,560 --> 00:29:49,240
Speaker 1: of rejection or injuring our self esteem. But here's the

464
00:29:49,280 --> 00:29:53,320
Speaker 1: mentality I always adopt. If you don't do the thing

465
00:29:53,360 --> 00:29:55,680
Speaker 1: that you are afraid of, if you don't take the

466
00:29:55,840 --> 00:29:59,680
Speaker 1: risk or at least give it a try, the only

467
00:29:59,760 --> 00:30:03,440
Speaker 1: person and that you are letting down is yourself. That

468
00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:06,480
Speaker 1: is the case, The only person you are letting down

469
00:30:07,120 --> 00:30:09,920
Speaker 1: is yourself. The only person who will have to deal

470
00:30:09,960 --> 00:30:13,840
Speaker 1: without what if that regret is you. And there is

471
00:30:13,920 --> 00:30:16,880
Speaker 1: nothing that can't be undone except for the choices that

472
00:30:16,920 --> 00:30:20,040
Speaker 1: you didn't make, even if it's a small risk, something

473
00:30:20,080 --> 00:30:22,240
Speaker 1: that you do on the weekends or in your spare time.

474
00:30:22,920 --> 00:30:27,080
Speaker 1: The pursuit of your dreams, however small, is never a waste,

475
00:30:27,760 --> 00:30:30,160
Speaker 1: and I don't think it will ever be something that

476
00:30:30,200 --> 00:30:33,440
Speaker 1: you wish you didn't do, the same goes for so

477
00:30:33,560 --> 00:30:37,320
Speaker 1: many other opportunities and jobs. The mistake we make there

478
00:30:38,040 --> 00:30:40,840
Speaker 1: that really hurts our sense of self and general happiness

479
00:30:40,920 --> 00:30:44,640
Speaker 1: during this decade is feeling like we are locked into

480
00:30:44,680 --> 00:30:49,360
Speaker 1: the first career or decision we make straight out of university.

481
00:30:50,080 --> 00:30:52,680
Speaker 1: Maybe you need the reminder that you can always change.

482
00:30:53,240 --> 00:30:55,480
Speaker 1: What is right for you right now may not be

483
00:30:55,600 --> 00:30:58,200
Speaker 1: right for you in a few years, but do not

484
00:30:58,280 --> 00:31:03,720
Speaker 1: forget your agency, that your decisions make changes, that your

485
00:31:03,760 --> 00:31:07,840
Speaker 1: decisions allow you to choose differently. You are not going

486
00:31:07,920 --> 00:31:11,080
Speaker 1: to be the same person every year of your life.

487
00:31:11,120 --> 00:31:14,440
Speaker 1: You know what's the statistic The average person tends to

488
00:31:14,480 --> 00:31:18,040
Speaker 1: go through three to seven careers or jobs before they retire.

489
00:31:18,200 --> 00:31:21,160
Speaker 1: So don't be afraid to participate in a bit of

490
00:31:21,240 --> 00:31:23,320
Speaker 1: trial and error when it comes to the work you

491
00:31:23,360 --> 00:31:26,080
Speaker 1: want to do, especially at a time in your life

492
00:31:26,120 --> 00:31:29,360
Speaker 1: where I think youth affords you a lot of privileges.

493
00:31:29,480 --> 00:31:33,440
Speaker 1: The ability to make mistakes and recover, the ability to

494
00:31:33,760 --> 00:31:37,160
Speaker 1: change without so many people holding you responsible for their

495
00:31:37,200 --> 00:31:41,720
Speaker 1: own wellbeing, the ability to turn around and choose entirely differently.

496
00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:45,000
Speaker 1: You don't need to justify those choices to anyone. It's

497
00:31:45,240 --> 00:31:49,040
Speaker 1: your life. You are allowed to make mistakes and choose differently.

498
00:31:49,320 --> 00:31:52,680
Speaker 1: I think that's important to remember. Additionally, if you're feeling

499
00:31:52,680 --> 00:31:55,680
Speaker 1: a little bit lost after graduating, as I very much did.

500
00:31:56,200 --> 00:31:59,880
Speaker 1: Here's some further pieces of advice. Instead of thinking and

501
00:32:00,120 --> 00:32:04,040
Speaker 1: trying to envision what success looks like for you professionally,

502
00:32:04,760 --> 00:32:07,320
Speaker 1: or what your five year plan should be, because I

503
00:32:07,360 --> 00:32:10,479
Speaker 1: think we all know those plans never work out how

504
00:32:10,520 --> 00:32:14,200
Speaker 1: we think they will. I want you to imagine one

505
00:32:14,280 --> 00:32:17,920
Speaker 1: day in your life five years from now in as

506
00:32:18,040 --> 00:32:22,200
Speaker 1: much detail as possible. And we've done this exercise on

507
00:32:22,240 --> 00:32:25,000
Speaker 1: the podcast before, but I think it is important to

508
00:32:25,040 --> 00:32:28,280
Speaker 1: do this regularly. What would a day in your life

509
00:32:28,320 --> 00:32:31,600
Speaker 1: where you are immensely happy look like in five years?

510
00:32:32,640 --> 00:32:34,600
Speaker 1: You know, where are you living, Where do you wake

511
00:32:34,680 --> 00:32:36,560
Speaker 1: up in the morning, What does your room look like?

512
00:32:37,080 --> 00:32:39,080
Speaker 1: What are you having for breakfast? Where are you off

513
00:32:39,080 --> 00:32:42,680
Speaker 1: to afterwards? Who are you talking to throughout the day,

514
00:32:42,720 --> 00:32:46,320
Speaker 1: What kind of things are on your schedule? What do

515
00:32:46,360 --> 00:32:49,040
Speaker 1: you do after work? Who are you having dinner with,

516
00:32:49,480 --> 00:32:52,000
Speaker 1: what are you celebrating? What are you looking forward to?

517
00:32:52,840 --> 00:32:56,920
Speaker 1: Those small details, when we picture them, they are the

518
00:32:56,960 --> 00:32:59,800
Speaker 1: source of what will actually make us happy. What you

519
00:33:00,120 --> 00:33:03,360
Speaker 1: picture is what you truly value and what you value

520
00:33:03,400 --> 00:33:06,520
Speaker 1: in the ordinary and the everyday life of your future

521
00:33:06,560 --> 00:33:10,120
Speaker 1: self and the other beauty of this exercise is that

522
00:33:10,680 --> 00:33:15,240
Speaker 1: there are a million different paths and choices, little divots

523
00:33:15,320 --> 00:33:18,440
Speaker 1: in the journey that can get you to that dream day,

524
00:33:18,840 --> 00:33:21,320
Speaker 1: that can get you to that dream life in five years.

525
00:33:21,720 --> 00:33:24,680
Speaker 1: Some of them are intentional and some of them are accidental.

526
00:33:25,320 --> 00:33:28,320
Speaker 1: That is important to remember. You cannot control for everything

527
00:33:28,320 --> 00:33:30,840
Speaker 1: that is going to happen in your life, both the

528
00:33:30,880 --> 00:33:34,120
Speaker 1: good and the bad. So when we exit university and

529
00:33:34,160 --> 00:33:36,480
Speaker 1: we feel like we need to immediately make this five

530
00:33:36,560 --> 00:33:39,600
Speaker 1: year plan and stick to everything, it doesn't always leave

531
00:33:39,680 --> 00:33:43,240
Speaker 1: us room to be flexible and room to kind of

532
00:33:43,560 --> 00:33:48,800
Speaker 1: accept the surprises that life throws us. Secondly, trying not

533
00:33:48,920 --> 00:33:52,040
Speaker 1: to get lost in the nostalgia of the good old days.

534
00:33:52,680 --> 00:33:56,560
Speaker 1: Nostalgia is a beautiful emotion and important one that brings

535
00:33:56,600 --> 00:34:00,960
Speaker 1: a sense of life, purpose of good times of but

536
00:34:01,040 --> 00:34:04,280
Speaker 1: when we spend too much time wanting to return to

537
00:34:04,400 --> 00:34:07,320
Speaker 1: the past, we don't focus on how we can make

538
00:34:07,360 --> 00:34:10,840
Speaker 1: our current life and future life even greater and even better.

539
00:34:11,760 --> 00:34:14,640
Speaker 1: Longing for the past, for your carefree college days, for

540
00:34:14,719 --> 00:34:18,400
Speaker 1: your friends, for all the memories, for all the parties,

541
00:34:19,040 --> 00:34:22,120
Speaker 1: and feeling like you'll never get those back, you'll never

542
00:34:22,280 --> 00:34:27,440
Speaker 1: experience that again, can fuel dissatisfaction and can also manifest

543
00:34:27,560 --> 00:34:31,200
Speaker 1: in a lot of stagnation, but also nostalgic depression, a

544
00:34:31,360 --> 00:34:37,480
Speaker 1: yearning for some time or something gone, and psychologists actually

545
00:34:37,719 --> 00:34:40,960
Speaker 1: consider this a mental health condition. For a long time,

546
00:34:41,520 --> 00:34:44,520
Speaker 1: you know, from like the sixteen hundreds to the eighteen hundreds,

547
00:34:45,120 --> 00:34:49,080
Speaker 1: nostalgia was literally a mental health condition. And we all

548
00:34:49,200 --> 00:34:54,319
Speaker 1: know that person from high school or university who has

549
00:34:54,400 --> 00:34:56,759
Speaker 1: not been able to move on from the memories that

550
00:34:56,800 --> 00:34:59,960
Speaker 1: they made during that period of time. It's almost like

551
00:35:00,080 --> 00:35:03,959
Speaker 1: peter Pan syndrome, wanting to be forever stuck in those

552
00:35:04,080 --> 00:35:07,640
Speaker 1: very young, carefree moments, not wanting to grow up. Remember,

553
00:35:07,680 --> 00:35:11,439
Speaker 1: you can't always trust your memories. Sometimes when we look

554
00:35:11,480 --> 00:35:14,239
Speaker 1: back at the past, we are doing so through a

555
00:35:14,280 --> 00:35:18,480
Speaker 1: filter of what we call rosy retrospection, and it's this

556
00:35:18,600 --> 00:35:23,399
Speaker 1: tendency to ignore unpleasant details in the past and only

557
00:35:23,400 --> 00:35:26,200
Speaker 1: focus on the good, causing us to feel like what

558
00:35:26,239 --> 00:35:30,160
Speaker 1: we're currently experiencing doesn't have the same feeling. In those

559
00:35:30,200 --> 00:35:33,160
Speaker 1: moments where you think the best years of your life

560
00:35:33,160 --> 00:35:36,560
Speaker 1: are behind you, remind yourself that in five years time,

561
00:35:37,120 --> 00:35:39,560
Speaker 1: you're going to be thinking the same way about where

562
00:35:39,600 --> 00:35:42,000
Speaker 1: you are now. It's like when we look back at

563
00:35:42,000 --> 00:35:45,279
Speaker 1: old photos of ourselves, where we know at the time

564
00:35:45,360 --> 00:35:48,719
Speaker 1: we probably thought we looked terrible or ugly or some

565
00:35:48,960 --> 00:35:50,680
Speaker 1: kind of way, but when we look at them now,

566
00:35:51,000 --> 00:35:53,520
Speaker 1: we're like, Wow, we were so beautiful. I looked great.

567
00:35:53,600 --> 00:35:57,200
Speaker 1: I totally did not take advantage of how hot I was.

568
00:35:57,680 --> 00:36:00,560
Speaker 1: The same will go for this new chapter, even the

569
00:36:00,600 --> 00:36:04,200
Speaker 1: new challenges, even the nostalgia. You'll one day see that

570
00:36:04,239 --> 00:36:07,400
Speaker 1: as part of the journey that is bringing you to

571
00:36:07,520 --> 00:36:10,120
Speaker 1: your future self. Also, this is a bit of a

572
00:36:10,120 --> 00:36:15,200
Speaker 1: tangent and kind of unrelated, but just get off LinkedIn. Please.

573
00:36:15,320 --> 00:36:17,359
Speaker 1: If you are on LinkedIn, if you're someone who has

574
00:36:17,400 --> 00:36:21,600
Speaker 1: a tendency to engage inn upward social comparison where you're

575
00:36:21,640 --> 00:36:26,560
Speaker 1: always judging yourself against the accomplishments of others, that platform

576
00:36:26,719 --> 00:36:30,360
Speaker 1: is only going to intensify your feeling of insecurity. You

577
00:36:30,360 --> 00:36:32,520
Speaker 1: don't need to see what anyone else is doing to

578
00:36:32,680 --> 00:36:35,480
Speaker 1: know that you're doing what's right for you. You don't

579
00:36:35,480 --> 00:36:37,920
Speaker 1: need to see that old classmate or coworker or your

580
00:36:38,000 --> 00:36:41,560
Speaker 1: high school valedictorian. Your life and your goals and your

581
00:36:41,600 --> 00:36:46,520
Speaker 1: path has incredible meaning without needing the validation of comparing

582
00:36:46,520 --> 00:36:50,480
Speaker 1: it to another person's journey. You know, people's progress is

583
00:36:50,520 --> 00:36:54,040
Speaker 1: always going to be different. And remember with any big

584
00:36:54,080 --> 00:36:57,360
Speaker 1: life transition, you know, you just graduated university. You have

585
00:36:57,480 --> 00:37:01,440
Speaker 1: graduated university. That is a signal, unificant accomplishment. But there

586
00:37:01,480 --> 00:37:05,000
Speaker 1: will be stress. There will be moments of utter confusion

587
00:37:05,080 --> 00:37:08,560
Speaker 1: and panic and feeling that like adrenaline, rush to figure

588
00:37:08,600 --> 00:37:11,279
Speaker 1: it all out. Right now, you know, it's three am

589
00:37:11,360 --> 00:37:13,600
Speaker 1: in the morning, and suddenly you get the urge to

590
00:37:13,600 --> 00:37:15,840
Speaker 1: look at whether you qualify for a master's degree or

591
00:37:15,840 --> 00:37:20,200
Speaker 1: you start applying for new jobs. Slow down, you have time.

592
00:37:20,920 --> 00:37:24,680
Speaker 1: Every person you idolize, every person you admire or look

593
00:37:24,760 --> 00:37:28,960
Speaker 1: up to, has experienced the same thing, has had those feelings.

594
00:37:29,440 --> 00:37:32,000
Speaker 1: It has taken them years, and they have found themselves

595
00:37:32,040 --> 00:37:37,000
Speaker 1: and they're continuing to discover themselves as you are. And

596
00:37:37,080 --> 00:37:39,879
Speaker 1: as a final reminder for my post UNI people out

597
00:37:39,880 --> 00:37:44,960
Speaker 1: there feeling super aimless. Every emotional state, every feeling that

598
00:37:45,000 --> 00:37:50,040
Speaker 1: you have is temporary. This feeling is temporary. You will

599
00:37:50,040 --> 00:37:53,800
Speaker 1: push through and build new community and find new people,

600
00:37:53,840 --> 00:37:56,719
Speaker 1: a new meaning, and you will, I think, kind of

601
00:37:56,760 --> 00:38:00,120
Speaker 1: be grateful for the struggle and what it gave you.

602
00:38:00,120 --> 00:38:04,480
Speaker 1: You've learned. You know, I really do believe that having

603
00:38:04,640 --> 00:38:08,040
Speaker 1: survived my panic ears. The things I'm most grateful for

604
00:38:08,160 --> 00:38:11,759
Speaker 1: are the things that I didn't get because they brought

605
00:38:11,800 --> 00:38:14,680
Speaker 1: me to a better place. Not can that sounds so

606
00:38:14,760 --> 00:38:18,440
Speaker 1: like spiritual, they brought me to a better place, but no, honestly,

607
00:38:18,520 --> 00:38:20,160
Speaker 1: like there are some parts of your journey that you

608
00:38:20,200 --> 00:38:22,480
Speaker 1: really just can't account for, and you kind of just

609
00:38:22,520 --> 00:38:24,319
Speaker 1: have to trust, like the wave of the tides and

610
00:38:24,320 --> 00:38:27,000
Speaker 1: the moves of the winds and everything that's happening around

611
00:38:27,000 --> 00:38:29,680
Speaker 1: you that you can't anticipate, all the little surprises and

612
00:38:29,680 --> 00:38:33,200
Speaker 1: opportunities that you cannot anticipate, And that's kind of the

613
00:38:33,200 --> 00:38:36,000
Speaker 1: beauty of this chapter. The beauty of this period is

614
00:38:36,040 --> 00:38:38,759
Speaker 1: that you can do anything. You can do anything that

615
00:38:38,800 --> 00:38:41,760
Speaker 1: you want with your time. You are young, you are carefree.

616
00:38:41,760 --> 00:38:44,080
Speaker 1: There are so many seasons of life you let to live,

617
00:38:44,160 --> 00:38:48,319
Speaker 1: so do not lose sight of that. I sincerely hope

618
00:38:48,320 --> 00:38:51,800
Speaker 1: that you have enjoyed this episode. If there is someone

619
00:38:51,840 --> 00:38:54,880
Speaker 1: in your life who needs to hear this, a friend,

620
00:38:55,400 --> 00:38:59,960
Speaker 1: a coworker, a sister, anyone at all, please feel free

621
00:39:00,080 --> 00:39:02,120
Speaker 1: to share it with them. You have no idea if

622
00:39:02,160 --> 00:39:05,040
Speaker 1: it will help them out. So thank you as always

623
00:39:05,080 --> 00:39:09,160
Speaker 1: for tagging along for listening today. If you enjoyed this episode,

624
00:39:09,160 --> 00:39:11,560
Speaker 1: please feel free to give it a five star review

625
00:39:11,600 --> 00:39:16,320
Speaker 1: on Apple Podcasts, Spotify. Wherever you are listening right now,

626
00:39:16,800 --> 00:39:19,759
Speaker 1: follow us at that Psychology podcast if you have an

627
00:39:19,800 --> 00:39:22,719
Speaker 1: episode suggestion, if you have something that you want to

628
00:39:22,760 --> 00:39:26,560
Speaker 1: contribute to this conversation. I love reading when people have

629
00:39:26,600 --> 00:39:28,879
Speaker 1: different opinions to me, or when there's something that maybe

630
00:39:28,880 --> 00:39:31,960
Speaker 1: I miss that we can include in another episode. So

631
00:39:32,120 --> 00:39:37,080
Speaker 1: I appreciate you listening along today. I appreciate your attention.

632
00:39:37,320 --> 00:39:40,239
Speaker 1: Thank you so much, and as always, we will be

633
00:39:40,280 --> 00:39:47,840
Speaker 1: back next week with another episode