Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: Miname me down, Stuart. What a factulous program have for
Speaker 2: the night. Now it's been rough for me. Now that
Speaker 2: my Knicks and my Rangers are out of the playoffs,
Speaker 2: I'm ready to focus on the world. There's a lot
Speaker 2: going on today. Doctor Anthony Fauci testified in front of
Speaker 2: Congress today and ironically contracted rabies there terrible, but his
Speaker 2: testimony was obviously about whether or not the pandemic was
Speaker 2: caused by a lab leak. I just will never know.
Speaker 2: Don't say it's to it. Also, bb neting Yahoo has
Speaker 2: been invited next week to come to lie to Congress.
Speaker 2: I'm sorry, address a dress time? What did I say,
Speaker 2: come to address Congress through the art of lying. And
Speaker 2: Mexico has just elected its first female and its first
Speaker 2: Jewish president, so I'm very much looking forward to NPR's
Speaker 2: coverage of it because they are always they are always
Speaker 2: very careful to pronounce names authentically, so I'm sure it'll
Speaker 2: be like turning me out to the newly elected Mexican president, Claudia.
Speaker 3: In Shane.
Speaker 2: With the shop with the shul. But of course, the
Speaker 2: biggest story continues to be the reaction to former President
Speaker 2: Trump's trial convictions. For the left, the conviction was an
Speaker 2: exercise in concealed and controlled glee. Many took the opportunity
Speaker 2: to over demonstrate how they took no pleasure from this
Speaker 2: day that they had been dreaming about since childhood.
Speaker 4: It was a somber and sad day for America that
Speaker 4: we have now seen a former president convicted on three
Speaker 4: four fellow accounts.
Speaker 2: I would hope we could all agree that this is
Speaker 2: a sad moment. The justice system had an honorable day,
Speaker 2: our country had a sad day, and Faris Beulah had
Speaker 2: the day off. Perhaps nothing personified the delicate high wire
Speaker 2: between glee and gravitas more than President Biden's chesher cat
Speaker 2: press conference encore.
Speaker 5: Mister president, can you tell us, sir, Donald Trump prefers
Speaker 5: himself as a political prisoner and blames you directly. What's
Speaker 5: your response?
Speaker 2: Now, don't stop, don't go, don't stop. Why can't they
Speaker 2: tell him just fucking keep walking whenever he is out
Speaker 2: in public and he stops? No buaino, okay go sir?
Speaker 5: Do you think the condition will have an impact on
Speaker 5: the campaign. We'd love to hear your thoughts, sir.
Speaker 2: Why does everything have to be so weird. Why if
Speaker 2: you have something to say about it, say it. If
Speaker 2: you don't have something to say about it, don't say
Speaker 2: but you're just going to stop and hit him with
Speaker 2: some kind of seventies sitcom freeze frame. Mister president, what
Speaker 2: do you think of the conviction? Why?
Speaker 4: So?
Speaker 2: For Democrats, of course, the challenge is how do we
Speaker 2: exploit the moment politically? Put out giving the impression that
Speaker 2: this was the plan, all of law Republicans needed to
Speaker 2: employ a slightly different strategy.
Speaker 6: So this was a sham rigged political show trial from
Speaker 6: the very beginning.
Speaker 7: This is the most outrageous travesty I've ever seen.
Speaker 6: This was not law, this was not criminal justice. This
Speaker 6: was politics.
Speaker 7: This was a political smear job.
Speaker 6: I guess we all.
Speaker 8: Need to shop at Banana Republic from now on.
Speaker 2: Because that's what it feels like. Yeah, a Banana Republic.
Speaker 2: After this trial, we need to shop at old Navy
Speaker 2: because our country is a sinking ship. It was a sham,
Speaker 2: a sham. This trial a sham. I say it was
Speaker 2: a sham. I'm shopping at don't Navy. The trial was
Speaker 2: a sham. Yes, we impaneled grand juries and submitted evidence.
Speaker 2: And cross examined witnesses. But how is Donald Trump or
Speaker 2: his family not allowed on the jury? Outrageous? I guess
Speaker 2: in America now we need to start shopping at Banobo's
Speaker 2: because our country is getting at both ends. You see,
Speaker 2: if I may, Bonobos are highly sexual apes frequently engage
Speaker 2: in activities with multiple partners. So I'm going to be
Speaker 2: a big hit on Brian dologist Dick Dock. But maybe
Speaker 2: our justice system wasn't a sham, but certainly applying our
Speaker 2: justice system to Donald Trump was.
Speaker 6: This is the weaponization of the justice system against their
Speaker 6: political opponent.
Speaker 9: This is a justice.
Speaker 6: System that hunts Republicans while protecting Democrats.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, the justice system hunts Republicans while protecting democants.
Speaker 2: Someone should mention that to such unprotected Democrats as Senator
Speaker 2: Robert Menendez and Congressman Henry Quay are both facing corruption
Speaker 2: charges brought by our Department of Justice. Not to mention,
Speaker 2: Hunter Biden was facing Jerry's selection in a federal gun
Speaker 2: chargers trial today. That's probably why you notice everyone on
Speaker 2: Fox and Friends this morning using pillows to cover their boners.
Speaker 9: It.
Speaker 2: But now you've done it. The rurals through your sham organization.
Speaker 2: The good arted and good intention denizens of Magaitania have
Speaker 2: finally been pushed too far.
Speaker 8: Be ready because on January twenty of next year, when
Speaker 8: he's former president Joe Biden, what's good for the Goose
Speaker 8: is good for the Gander.
Speaker 5: And Daily Wires Matt Walsh said Trump should quote make
Speaker 5: and publish a list of ten high ranking Democrat.
Speaker 2: Criminals who he will have arrested when he takes office.
Speaker 4: These Democrats will ruin the day they decided to use
Speaker 4: law fair to stop a presidential candidate. It won't be
Speaker 4: Hunter Biden. The next time. It's going to be Joe Biden.
Speaker 4: It could potentially still be Barack Obama. It could still
Speaker 4: potentially be Hillary Clinton.
Speaker 2: It could be Barack Obama. First of all, why is
Speaker 2: she broadcasting in front of Georgia o'keef's vagina? And second,
Speaker 2: perhaps it is time for those on the right to
Speaker 2: begin to examine what it might be like to investigate
Speaker 2: Hillary and William Clinton, or perhaps to do it continuously
Speaker 2: and relentlessly for the last thirty years, but to admit
Speaker 2: their own political gamesmanship, their own attempts at weaponizing justice,
Speaker 2: their own relentless pursuit of opponents their own dehumanizing rhetoric
Speaker 2: towards the left, would be to allow a molecule of
Speaker 2: reality into the air tight distortion field that has been
Speaker 2: created to protect Macedonians from the harsh glare of actuality.
Speaker 2: It is a place where a moment such as this
Speaker 2: next one can pass without so much as a gasp
Speaker 2: of what planet do you live on? For it is
Speaker 2: clearly not ours.
Speaker 10: He famously said regarding Hillary Clinton, locker up.
Speaker 2: You declined to do that as president. I didn't say
Speaker 2: locker up, but the people don't say lock her up?
Speaker 11: Luck up?
Speaker 2: What the fuck you never said lock her I think
Speaker 2: I remember you saying it to her face at a debate.
Speaker 5: It's just awfully good that someone with the temperament of
Speaker 5: Donald Trump is not in charge of the law in
Speaker 5: our country.
Speaker 4: Because you'd be in jail.
Speaker 2: To be fair, I apologize. You did not say the
Speaker 2: words lock her up. You only used a phrase synonymous
Speaker 2: with locking her up. Again, apologies, you didn't say lock
Speaker 2: her up. You merely gave the thumbs up to thousands
Speaker 2: of others chanting lock her up. But that doesn't mean
Speaker 2: he literally said lock her up, although to be fair,
Speaker 2: he literally said, lock her up all the time.
Speaker 12: So cooking Hillary anyway took it, and you should lock
Speaker 12: her up.
Speaker 6: I'll tell you for what she's done, they should lock
Speaker 6: her up. Lock her up is right, Lock up the bubes,
Speaker 6: lock up Hillary?
Speaker 2: And he said time and then I and the Fox
Speaker 2: and Friends b team is just sitting there, tanned and fit,
Speaker 2: healthy and so hockable. How did they get seld good
Speaker 2: looking bunch? But there's three of them. One of them
Speaker 2: didn't remember, he said, lock them up. I can believe
Speaker 2: two of them didn't remember. Three of them. And that,
Speaker 2: ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, is why we
Speaker 2: need courts. Whatever flaws the American justice system has, and
Speaker 2: they are a legion, especially for non billionaire former presidents,
Speaker 2: it does appear to be the last place in America
Speaker 2: where you can't just say whatever the fact you want,
Speaker 2: regardless of reality. Trump knows this better than anyone.
Speaker 12: Now I would have testified.
Speaker 10: I wanted to testify.
Speaker 12: The theory is you never testify because as soon as
Speaker 12: you testify anybody, if it were George Washington, don't testify
Speaker 12: because they'll get you in something that you said slightly wrong,
Speaker 12: and then they sue you for perjury. You would have
Speaker 12: said something out of whack, like it was a beautiful
Speaker 12: sunny day and it was actually raiding out.
Speaker 2: Yes, our jails in America are filled with incompetent weathermen.
Speaker 13: I'm telling your officer, I thought there would be thunder
Speaker 13: snow the twenty percent instead of chance. Don't take me away.
Speaker 13: This is why the.
Speaker 2: Law and order right hates court procedures when applied to them.
Speaker 2: Courts are the last remaining guardrail that is a standard
Speaker 2: of evidentiary presentation. It is the last place where you
Speaker 2: have to prove what you say. And you see the
Speaker 2: difference in what they say out of court versus what
Speaker 2: they say in court. Here is Trump on the twenty
Speaker 2: twenty election. Out of court. This is a fraud on
Speaker 2: the American public.
Speaker 12: We know there was massive fraud.
Speaker 2: It was a rigged election. Here are his lawyers in court.
Speaker 3: This is not a fraud case.
Speaker 8: We are not pledging fraud in this lawsuit, legend that
Speaker 8: anyone was stealing the election.
Speaker 2: Here is Rudy Giuliani pleading before the court of seasonal landscapers.
Speaker 2: Happening there. It's a mix up. He's pleading but not
Speaker 2: in the actual court. It's a fraud, an absolute fraud.
Speaker 2: And what does Juliani say about that in court? If
Speaker 2: we had it led fraud? Yes, but this is not
Speaker 2: is not a fraud case. It's not a fraud case
Speaker 2: in court where I would need evidence. It's only a
Speaker 2: fraud case out there amongst the sod and the mulch
Speaker 2: or I can say whatever I want. Fox News says
Speaker 2: that dominion voting machines rig the election for Biden. Out
Speaker 2: of court.
Speaker 14: They were flipping votes in the computer system or adding
Speaker 14: votes that did not exist. The whole situation was carefully
Speaker 14: calculated and created to steal the election from President Trump.
Speaker 2: Did you notice as the fraud trial went on, Sidney
Speaker 2: Powell turned into Michael Jackson? Is that.
Speaker 3: Happened?
Speaker 2: The epolets ended that segment with but that's where you
Speaker 2: can say out of court, But in court, Fox was
Speaker 2: forced to pay seven hundred and eighty seven million dollars
Speaker 2: for false statements. The difference between in court and out
Speaker 2: of court is that in court someone can say, prove it.
Speaker 2: And the problem is that most of the time in
Speaker 2: this country, our political leaders are not in court. They
Speaker 2: are here on TV, where the news media has decided
Speaker 2: that there's really no such thing as reality.
Speaker 6: We now live in two utterly different universes.
Speaker 2: These two Americas are living in two different realities.
Speaker 14: We're living in two different realities.
Speaker 8: Americans are living in two for the most part, two
Speaker 8: very different realities right now.
Speaker 2: No, you're thinking of the multiverse. We are all living
Speaker 2: in one reality, and it can be the news media's
Speaker 2: job to litigate the parameters of said reality. What the
Speaker 2: courts do really well is look backwards and reconstruct the
Speaker 2: realities of what happened. The news media could do the same,
Speaker 2: but what they do instead is look forward and wildly
Speaker 2: speculate on the future.
Speaker 5: If Donald Trump is the nominee, and if he is
Speaker 5: convicted of a crime, could you support him?
Speaker 14: If he's a convicted felon, If he is the Republican nominee,
Speaker 14: does that mean you're still going to vote for him?
Speaker 2: Invicted before November?
Speaker 4: Would you still support them?
Speaker 11: Then?
Speaker 2: Will you commit to certifying the twenty twenty four election results,
Speaker 2: no matter who wins, Let me look forward.
Speaker 5: Will you accept the election results of twenty twenty four,
Speaker 5: no matter what happened?
Speaker 2: Senator, No matter what Senator, voting regularities and overlords voting
Speaker 2: machines that suddenly transform into fighting robots, voting booth powers activate?
Speaker 2: Will you still certify?
Speaker 4: Who?
Speaker 2: Thing cares? No one knows what the future holds. Ask
Speaker 2: this person what it was about the twenty twenty election
Speaker 2: that they found objectionable, and then litigate the realities of
Speaker 2: their objections to them in front of them. So when
Speaker 2: they say to you, I never said locker up, you
Speaker 2: can say I object they do that? What is wrong
Speaker 2: with you?
Speaker 4: What wrong with you?
Speaker 2: And you know what? I gotta Purre's the deal. You
Speaker 2: really want to ask speculative questions that nobody can answer,
Speaker 2: We'll just create a show just for that. We'll tip
Speaker 2: it down to a half hour and call it No
Speaker 2: One Knows, and you can put all the polls and
Speaker 2: the horse race questions in there. And then with the
Speaker 2: other twenty three and a half hours in the day
Speaker 2: the other sevent days a week, you can present the
Speaker 2: evidence for our shared experience, because court should be the
Speaker 2: option of last resort for our defined reality, not the
Speaker 2: only option for our defined reality. So listen up, media,
Speaker 2: We'll give you a little gavel. You can study all
Speaker 2: the evidence, no matter how tedious, and reach a conclusion,
Speaker 2: and then you can present those conclusions, and the audience us.
Speaker 2: We'll be the ones doing like jury duty willingly, without
Speaker 2: penalty of law, or without trying to come up with
Speaker 2: any excuse to avoid having to do jury duty. I
Speaker 2: think I'm seeing the flaw in my argument. Either way,
Speaker 2: it's better than what we have.
Speaker 9: Now, let's kick things off with the only presidential candidate
Speaker 9: with an ankle monitor Donald Trump. Last week, the corrupt
Speaker 9: and woke DEI justice system find guilty of thirty four felonies,
Speaker 9: and now he's saying if he gets backs into power,
Speaker 9: he's going to get his revenge on the people who
Speaker 9: had nothing to.
Speaker 2: Do with it.
Speaker 11: Donald Trump is again suggesting his political opponents could be
Speaker 11: jailed if he wins reelection, including former Secretary of State
Speaker 11: Hillary Clinton.
Speaker 10: Does that mean the next president does it to them?
Speaker 10: That's really the question. Wouldn't it be terrible to throw
Speaker 10: the president's wife and the former secretary of state into jail?
Speaker 10: It's very possible that it's going to have to happen
Speaker 10: to them.
Speaker 9: You're gonna jail Hillary Clinton? Haven't you done enough to
Speaker 9: this woman?
Speaker 10: Yo?
Speaker 2: If you're gonna get revenge.
Speaker 9: At least get it on the people who did the
Speaker 9: thing to you, this is like the Russian mob killing
Speaker 9: John Wick's dog, and John Wick is like, you know
Speaker 9: who's gonna pay for this?
Speaker 2: Hillary Clinton?
Speaker 9: I mean, Kennald Trump gets some new beefs already. Okay,
Speaker 9: you don't see Britney Spear is still getting the fights.
Speaker 2: With Christina Agele.
Speaker 9: Do you no? Britney's at home dancing with knives like
Speaker 9: a normal person. But Trump isn't in despite alone. Okay,
Speaker 9: He's got a whole crew of brain damage friends standing
Speaker 9: up for him, like Marjorie Taylor Green, who's so mad
Speaker 9: at what the courts did that she wants to defund
Speaker 9: New York.
Speaker 7: Screw new York.
Speaker 5: New York doesn't deserve a damn penny.
Speaker 4: We shouldn't fund them one single dime, not a dime.
Speaker 5: They don't deserve a penny from the federal government.
Speaker 9: WHOA take it easier, New York, Marjorie, you remember that
Speaker 9: space laser that you're worried about the people who run.
Speaker 2: It live here.
Speaker 9: Okay, it's kind of sad to watch a person slam
Speaker 9: New new York when they clearly would make an amazing
Speaker 9: New Yorker. Okay. MTG's host speech is going to be
Speaker 9: repeated wood for wood by a homeless guy on the
Speaker 9: sea train at three am tonight. But let's talk about
Speaker 9: a different Trump ally who's saying unhinged things. Okay, right now.
Speaker 9: His name is Byron Donald's and if you didn't know
Speaker 9: him before, well he's a cool guy with smart opinions.
Speaker 7: Republican Congressman Byron Donalds, widely considered a potential VP pick
Speaker 7: for Donald Trump, is facing backlash from Democrats today after
Speaker 7: saying that black families were stronger during Jim Crow before
Speaker 7: they were influenced by Democratic policies.
Speaker 11: During Jim Crowe.
Speaker 6: The back family was together during Jim Crow.
Speaker 2: More black people pot a conservative lead.
Speaker 9: Why are Trump's potential VP picks insane? I I never
Speaker 9: thought I say this, but this might be a good
Speaker 9: time to take a second look at the dog murderer. Okay,
Speaker 9: and I know what you're thinking. How could a congressman
Speaker 9: think that Jim Cole era was good for black families?
Speaker 9: But to be fair, he's a congressman from Florida and
Speaker 9: that's literally the title of the US history textbooks. Okay,
Speaker 9: So let's move on to some cultural news, because it's
Speaker 9: not just congressmen who have crazy opinions. It's also everyone.
Speaker 8: And now to a grocery card controversy getting a lot
Speaker 8: of traction online. A video posted by a woman who
Speaker 8: unapologetically says she never returns her shopping cart.
Speaker 2: I'm not returning my shopping cart, and you can judge
Speaker 2: me all you want.
Speaker 8: California mom Leslie Dobson says she's afraid her children will
Speaker 8: be abducted while she's busy returning her cart.
Speaker 2: I'm not getting my groceries into my car, getting my
Speaker 2: children into.
Speaker 1: The car, and then leaving them in the car.
Speaker 8: To go return the cart.
Speaker 2: So if you're going to give me a dirty look, off,
Speaker 2: wa mean off you.
Speaker 9: All right, I didn't even want your kids, but now
Speaker 9: I feel like I gotta take them because they're talking
Speaker 9: about shit. Look lady, yeah.
Speaker 2: Look lady.
Speaker 9: If you want to be lazy and not return your
Speaker 9: shopping cut, you don't have to use your kids as
Speaker 9: an excuse. Okay, just say you don't know what six
Speaker 9: feet This is America. Nobody walks six feet Okay. If
Speaker 9: you're really that worried about your kids getting abducted, just
Speaker 9: take them with you to return the cat, or leave
Speaker 9: them in the car and lock the doors.
Speaker 2: Maybe bare your kids are safe. If you want to
Speaker 2: be extra shirt, just get them bad haircuts.
Speaker 9: Okay, nobody wants your weird looking kids. And by the way,
Speaker 9: who are these kids that are so abductible that you
Speaker 9: can't walk ten steps without every predator in America descending
Speaker 9: upon them. If it's that easy to abduct kids in
Speaker 9: the parking lot, then what's the big deal?
Speaker 2: Okay?
Speaker 9: If your kids get stolen and just take the ones
Speaker 9: from the con next door, Okay, this is problems off.
Speaker 9: Let's move on to some international news. Okay, because there
Speaker 9: are places deep in the Amazon jungle where primitive tribes
Speaker 9: are untouched by the model, but luckily Elon Musk is
Speaker 9: taking care of that.
Speaker 6: A reclusive tribe in the Amazon finally got connected to
Speaker 6: the internet, only the wind Up hooked on social media
Speaker 6: and porn. Nine months ago, the Marubo tribe.
Speaker 2: Got internet service for the first time thanks to Elon
Speaker 2: Musk's Starling service.
Speaker 6: But young men have been sharing porn videos on group chats,
Speaker 6: while others have phoned victim to Internet scams.
Speaker 3: People hunched over on their phones, typing away, sending voice notes,
Speaker 3: watching you know, video clips. I saw two very young
Speaker 3: boys just you know, swiping through video after video of
Speaker 3: Maymar Junior.
Speaker 9: Okay, haters, I think this is great.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 9: The internet opens up all of human knowledge to these people.
Speaker 9: They go online and they were like, Wow, there's so
Speaker 9: much going on.
Speaker 6: In the world.
Speaker 9: Do you see this lady of the shopping cats. She
Speaker 9: doesn't want to walk six feet? Okay, let's go get
Speaker 9: our kids. By the way, I'm so happy that people
Speaker 9: in the middle of the Amazon get better Internet than
Speaker 9: I get respect from. But there's one thing they discovered
Speaker 9: right away.
Speaker 6: Porn.
Speaker 9: That's right, and untouched. Amazon civilization is now touching itself.
Speaker 9: Oh more on this remote trod getting into the access
Speaker 9: we go live to the Amazon rainforest with Troy. You wanta.
Speaker 2: All right? Try try, try, Hey, what's the situation over there?
Speaker 8: I'm sorry, I canna hear you over the sound of
Speaker 8: all the dang gay fever. Why do you keep sending
Speaker 8: me to these places? You told me I was going
Speaker 8: to Amazon? This is a rainforest. How am I supposed
Speaker 8: to return this slapchot? I checked this at the gate, Ronnie.
Speaker 9: Okay, Troy, can you just shut up for a second. Okay,
Speaker 9: how has the internet impacted this remote tribe.
Speaker 8: It's an absolute tragedy. This was once a wonderful people
Speaker 8: with proud customs and traditions. Now everyone is glued to
Speaker 8: their phones. They're falling for scams. The men of stop
Speaker 8: hunting wild boars and are just hunting MILFs.
Speaker 2: And you can't.
Speaker 8: You can't feed your family with milk meat. Okay, It's
Speaker 8: it's too stringy. So we we have to take the
Speaker 8: Internet away. I mean, can you imagine living in a
Speaker 8: society obsessed with their phones like this?
Speaker 2: Uh?
Speaker 9: Yeah, that's that's our society. So what you're saying, we
Speaker 9: should take the Internet away from ourselves?
Speaker 8: Here, Ronnie, I'll kill you. Sorry, sorry, sorry, that's it's
Speaker 8: the Dengay. It's just that I we we need the Internet.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 8: Where else can I get a slap chop same day
Speaker 8: a store? No, it's it's too late for us, Ronnie.
Speaker 8: We have no culture left to save. All we do
Speaker 8: is trade crypto and use chat GBT to write our
Speaker 8: birthday cards. You know, I love you, Grandma?
Speaker 2: How does it do that?
Speaker 8: As humanity, we need one place untouched by the Internet.
Speaker 8: Besides every single goddamn elevator. This tribe is pure and
Speaker 8: og human. We have to protect them, because they'll be
Speaker 8: the ones repopulating the world when the rest of us
Speaker 8: go to nuclear war over some bitches shopping cart.
Speaker 9: Okay, yeah, but the sudden decline should be a lesson
Speaker 9: to all of us, right that the Internet can take
Speaker 9: something pure and immediately corrupted. I mean, maybe this tribe
Speaker 9: is a mirror of our own society, and maybe we
Speaker 9: should all unplugged for the good of humanity.
Speaker 8: Okay, you first, you give up the Internet.
Speaker 2: I'll tell you all right.
Speaker 9: Sorry, sorry, I just I just hit a million followers
Speaker 9: on half of.
Speaker 8: Those I rest my case.
Speaker 7: We're a lost cause.
Speaker 8: So I'm going to get the hell out of the
Speaker 8: Amazon before we ruin these people too. I just ordered
Speaker 8: an uber it's five weeks away. There is an uber
Speaker 8: pool and it's three minutes away. But like, no, no, no, no.
Speaker 2: No, no, wait for Uber.
Speaker 9: Wait. I want everybody. Explore more shows from the Daily
Speaker 9: Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show wherever you.
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Speaker 1: This has been a Comedy Central podcast