Speaker 1: I'm Laurie Gottlieb. I'm the author of Maybe You Should
Speaker 1: Talk to Someone, and I write the Dear Therapist advice
Speaker 1: column for the Atlantic.
Speaker 2: And I'm Guy Wench. I'm the author of Emotional First Aid,
Speaker 2: and I write the Dear Guy advice column for Ted.
Speaker 2: And this is Dear Therapists.
Speaker 1: This week we're going to check in on a guest
Speaker 1: from season two to hear how they're doing a year later.
Speaker 2: First, a quick note Deo Therapists is for informational purposes only,
Speaker 2: does not constitute medical or psychological advice, and is not
Speaker 2: a substitute for professional health care advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
Speaker 2: Always seek the advice of your physician, mental health professional,
Speaker 2: or other qualified health provider with any questions you may
Speaker 2: have regarding a medical or psychological condition. By submitting a letter,
Speaker 2: you are agreeing to let iHeart Media use it in
Speaker 2: part or in full, and we may edit it for
Speaker 2: length and clarity. In the sessions you'll hear, all names
Speaker 2: have been changed for the privacy of our guests.
Speaker 1: So today we're hearing back from Hillary and her session
Speaker 1: we called Hillary's shopping Addiction. Hillary was working toward becoming
Speaker 1: a drug and alcohol counselor after a long history of
Speaker 1: drug addiction that was now manifesting as a shopping addiction.
Speaker 1: She had a lot of shame around this because of
Speaker 1: the work she does. She felt like she should know better.
Speaker 1: But as we know, this isn't about knowing. It's about
Speaker 1: how to cope with the painful feelings and how we
Speaker 1: numb them when we don't know how to cope.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Hillary had a really, really traumatic past, and what
Speaker 2: was interesting is that she had accomplished so much in
Speaker 2: her life given the challenges she had to overcome, and
Speaker 2: when she started to overcome them, which was much later
Speaker 2: in life.
Speaker 1: And because of all this, she was really struggling with relationships, friendships,
Speaker 1: romantic relationships. She was seeing somebody, but it wasn't really
Speaker 1: a solid relationship, and so we were really hoping that
Speaker 1: we could also help her find more connection in her life.
Speaker 1: So let's get a reminder of what was going on
Speaker 1: last year.
Speaker 3: I'm not sure when it all started, but I know
Speaker 3: that recently, in the last couple of years, it's escalated
Speaker 3: and it's become a real problem in my life, which
Speaker 3: is ironic because I am an alcohol and drug counselor
Speaker 3: and I've been in sobriety for nine years, so I
Speaker 3: understand when something interferes in your life, it's probably an addiction.
Speaker 3: In the last couple of years, I've been working on
Speaker 3: my master's degree in counseling, and for the first time
Speaker 3: in my life, I experienced physical symptoms of anxiety, and
Speaker 3: to alleviate those physical symptoms, it felt really good to
Speaker 3: fill up my cart and buy something. And I didn't
Speaker 3: realize that that's what was happening until I was six
Speaker 3: thousand dollars in debt.
Speaker 2: You're listening to dea therapists. We'll be back after a
Speaker 2: short break. Now let's hear how things are going for
Speaker 2: Hillary a year later.
Speaker 3: Hi, this is Hillary. I'm checking back in with you
Speaker 3: and your listeners. Over the past year, there's been a
Speaker 3: lot of changes. I was taking care of my elderly
Speaker 3: mother and she was drinking pretty heavily, and she was
Speaker 3: ninety one years old, and she passed away in July
Speaker 3: of last year. And then two months later, my older
Speaker 3: sister died and she had many health problems, including a
Speaker 3: addiction to opiate Yes, so I've been struggling with mourning
Speaker 3: their losses. I have connected with a group online for that.
Speaker 3: As far as the other things go, I'm doing well
Speaker 3: at work. I am a licensed to alcohol and drug
Speaker 3: counselor in my state and went from part time to
Speaker 3: full time. I've chosen to put my master's program on hold.
Speaker 3: I intend to return at spring of twenty twenty three.
Speaker 3: I just have a few credits to finish and then
Speaker 3: I'll have that degree. As far as the shopping addiction,
Speaker 3: I kind of fell off on that. I also had
Speaker 3: made a decision and I'm not sure what it had
Speaker 3: to do with the death of my family members, but
Speaker 3: I quit go into my twelve step support group meetings. However,
Speaker 3: that's changed this week. As a matter of fact, I've
Speaker 3: found a new meeting, really good one. And the thing
Speaker 3: about shopping addiction that I've realized is it's very very
Speaker 3: similar to a drug addiction or alcoholism in that the
Speaker 3: endorphins are released during a time when you press that button.
Speaker 3: My long term focus has been on a trip to Scotland,
Speaker 3: which i'd like to do, and I'll be sixty this year,
Speaker 3: so I really would like to accomplish that in the
Speaker 3: next five years. So I'm actually moving around one day
Speaker 3: at a time and trying to stay focused. I really
Speaker 3: enjoy my work. I help women and children. I continue
Speaker 3: to see a therapist. I've chosen to stay on an antidepressant,
Speaker 3: which is helping as far as the shopping goes. I
Speaker 3: think I do need to get involved with some extra help.
Speaker 3: I've been really isolating a lot when I'm not working,
Speaker 3: so that just adds to the triggers of wanting to
Speaker 3: get something in the air. Quote get something. Appreciate what
Speaker 3: you did for me a year ago, and just so
Speaker 3: you and your listeners know, I'm not giving up on
Speaker 3: becoming healthier. Thanks a lot.
Speaker 2: So first I want to offer my condolences to Hillary.
Speaker 2: Those are two significant losses within a year, both her
Speaker 2: mother and her sister, and her sister dying of opiates
Speaker 2: when she had that addiction. So this has been a
Speaker 2: really difficult year for her, and I think we need
Speaker 2: to take the rest of what she said in that context,
Speaker 2: that this is a ear of grieving and recovery.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, and I think what she's dealing with is intergenerational
Speaker 1: trauma where there's that history of addiction in the family
Speaker 1: and she wants to be the person to stop it.
Speaker 1: And when we think about what a difficult year she's
Speaker 1: had in addition to her path, which was incredibly challenging.
Speaker 1: I really admire that she is working so hard to
Speaker 1: keep going and make things better. So when we talked
Speaker 1: to her last year, she was having trouble finishing her
Speaker 1: master's program, and yet she's going back and she's doing it,
Speaker 1: and even though she struggles with the shopping addiction, she's
Speaker 1: going to twelve step and she's setting goals for herself,
Speaker 1: and she's doing work that gives her meaning of helping others.
Speaker 1: And I think that it's kind of amazing that she's
Speaker 1: able to do all of that, given how much challenge
Speaker 1: there has been, and I think it really speaks to
Speaker 1: her strengths.
Speaker 2: The fact that she went to full time, also because
Speaker 2: the job she does is not an easy job, right,
Speaker 2: It's an experience she's been through with addiction, and obviously
Speaker 2: with the shopping addiction, she's still struggling. So doing that
Speaker 2: full time is really admirable and it also I'm sure
Speaker 2: helps her finances. The issue with isolating herself is that
Speaker 2: addiction often thrives on loneliness, and it's that is really
Speaker 2: necessary when you're healing from addiction. The two are really
Speaker 2: related in so many ways, and so as she wants
Speaker 2: to help herself and move forward, and I hope at
Speaker 2: this point she can move a little bit past the
Speaker 2: grieving to continue to become healthier. But that I think
Speaker 2: by definition, means getting more connected. You have to focus
Speaker 2: on your relationships. The fact that she's setting long term
Speaker 2: goals I think is really important. But if, for example,
Speaker 2: Scotland is a long term goal, then the long term
Speaker 2: goal might be go to Scotland with a friend, and
Speaker 2: then there are two long term goals and you can
Speaker 2: accomplish both, hopefully in the same full soup in a
Speaker 2: few years time.
Speaker 1: I remember last year, we gave her an exercise to
Speaker 1: write down things that would bring her pleasure, and she
Speaker 1: came up with this entire list.
Speaker 2: It was amazing.
Speaker 1: It was amazing, and I didn't hear a lot of that.
Speaker 1: I heard her having goals for those kinds of things,
Speaker 1: and so I hope she will follow up on that,
Speaker 1: but also include that connection piece in terms of what
Speaker 1: is going to bring her joy and can she do
Speaker 1: some of these things with people. So yeah, she needs
Speaker 1: to stop isolating. I think she's definitely a very strong person.
Speaker 1: I love what she said at the end about that
Speaker 1: she's not giving up on becoming healthier, and we are
Speaker 1: here rooting for her the whole way.
Speaker 2: Next week, we're in session with Jordan, who wants to
Speaker 2: understand how seeing his parents dysfunctional relationship as a child
Speaker 2: might have contributed to his own marriage ending after only
Speaker 2: two years.
Speaker 4: There were red flags that I ignored. Here's this beautiful
Speaker 4: woman that I get along with extremely well, and we
Speaker 4: just seem perfect for each other, and we moved in
Speaker 4: with each other, and it was within a couple months
Speaker 4: I started to realize, wait a second, this just doesn't
Speaker 4: seem normal.
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Speaker 2: If you have a dilemma you'd like to discuss with us,
Speaker 2: email us at Laurie and Guy at iHeartMedia dot com.
Speaker 2: Our executive producer is Noel Brown. We're produced and edited
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Speaker 2: and Zachary Fisher. Our interns are Ben Bernstein, Emily Gutierrez
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Speaker 2: our next session. Dear Therapist is a production of iHeartRadio