WEBVTT - Jay & Radhi Talk About the Pressure and Expectations Around Parenthood 0:00:00.320 --> 0:00:01.760 I do not want kids. 0:00:01.880 --> 0:00:04.400 Me and my mom is amazing. It is the best thing. 0:00:04.720 --> 0:00:07.720 I'm thirty three and I have no kids. Doing mom 0:00:07.880 --> 0:00:09.559 is literally the best thing ever. 0:00:10.039 --> 0:00:12.200 Do not have kids, and I would argue it's one 0:00:12.240 --> 0:00:18.640 of the most important decisions. When are you going to 0:00:18.680 --> 0:00:19.360 have kids? 0:00:19.480 --> 0:00:22.040 There's no benefit to asking that question. Saying that to 0:00:22.120 --> 0:00:25.080 someone who is really struggling. It can end up triggering 0:00:25.160 --> 0:00:26.000 something so difficult. 0:00:26.000 --> 0:00:27.640 Well, I know how my life is going to change, 0:00:28.080 --> 0:00:30.200 and am I ready to embrace that change. 0:00:30.400 --> 0:00:32.120 The older that you get as a woman, the more 0:00:32.159 --> 0:00:33.720 difficult it is to conceive. 0:00:33.600 --> 0:00:37.879 The pressure of having a child financially is actually one 0:00:37.920 --> 0:00:40.560 of the biggest factors in why people are scared about children. 0:00:43.360 --> 0:00:45.120 This is something I hear a lot when we're back 0:00:45.120 --> 0:00:48.200 in London. Yeah, for sure, is when are you going 0:00:48.280 --> 0:00:49.040 to have kids? 0:00:49.159 --> 0:00:52.240 Yeah, it's a big question, especially after you hit thirties. 0:00:53.000 --> 0:00:58.520 It's something especially the aunties out there, they just really 0:00:58.640 --> 0:01:03.840 like knowing. They want to know what's happening. And I 0:01:03.880 --> 0:01:05.440 think a lot of people struggle with it. My friends 0:01:05.480 --> 0:01:09.560 really do, especially my friends who are not even in 0:01:09.600 --> 0:01:12.680 a relationship at the age of thirty five or you know, 0:01:12.720 --> 0:01:15.199 in their late thirties and they haven't got into a relationship, 0:01:15.319 --> 0:01:17.560 and then they're really scared about the idea of when 0:01:17.560 --> 0:01:17.959 am I going. 0:01:17.959 --> 0:01:18.520 To have children? 0:01:18.720 --> 0:01:21.119 And then the pressure of people asking on top of that. 0:01:21.600 --> 0:01:23.880 I think more so for women than men. It's just 0:01:24.080 --> 0:01:26.480 really it can be really difficult for so many people 0:01:26.520 --> 0:01:29.000 to hear that regularly and not know when it's going 0:01:29.040 --> 0:01:29.679 to happen for them. 0:01:29.880 --> 0:01:31.800 Yeah, talk to me about that pressure, because I think 0:01:31.800 --> 0:01:34.399 you're right. Women get it more than men, definitely, and 0:01:35.000 --> 0:01:36.840 they hear it a lot more often from a lot 0:01:36.880 --> 0:01:39.120 more people. So talk to me a bit about that 0:01:39.160 --> 0:01:41.920 pressure because I may not even understand it fully because 0:01:41.920 --> 0:01:45.039 that's not really something that men get hit with that often. 0:01:45.200 --> 0:01:45.959 Yeah, I think you know. 0:01:46.160 --> 0:01:49.360 Biologically, Look, it is true the older that you get 0:01:49.360 --> 0:01:51.560 as a woman, the more difficult it is to conceive. 0:01:51.640 --> 0:01:55.400 And so I think biologically women have this internal clock 0:01:55.480 --> 0:01:58.880 that is ticking, and whether you're unsure about having children 0:01:58.960 --> 0:02:02.360 or whether you really want them, you feel it internally 0:02:02.440 --> 0:02:05.040 that your body is aging and what that means because 0:02:05.040 --> 0:02:07.000 you've been told that from such a young age that 0:02:07.560 --> 0:02:09.840 as a woman, when you have to have children, the 0:02:09.919 --> 0:02:12.000 ideal age to have children is in your twenties. As 0:02:12.040 --> 0:02:13.880 soon as you get your thirties is going to get harder. 0:02:14.200 --> 0:02:16.480 And so I think you feel it in your body 0:02:16.560 --> 0:02:19.360 and you notice changes that are happening which lead you 0:02:19.400 --> 0:02:21.320 to believe that it's kind of getting to the end 0:02:21.360 --> 0:02:23.480 of the time period where it's going to be easy 0:02:23.520 --> 0:02:25.560 for you to conceive. And then I think for a 0:02:25.560 --> 0:02:29.079 lot of women who aren't even in relationships yet, it's like, God, 0:02:29.120 --> 0:02:31.280 I have to find my partner and I have to 0:02:31.280 --> 0:02:34.720 get pregnant within the next two years or whatever it is. Yeah, 0:02:34.760 --> 0:02:37.920 I think it's a mixture of media and a mixture 0:02:38.040 --> 0:02:41.320 of people around you, and the reality of the situation 0:02:41.440 --> 0:02:44.040 being unfortunately that we do have a body clock. 0:02:44.280 --> 0:02:46.440 Yeah. And I did some research before the episode, and 0:02:46.480 --> 0:02:49.359 it said that women born in two thousand and seven 0:02:49.800 --> 0:02:52.360 are projected to have their first child by age thirty 0:02:52.440 --> 0:02:57.639 five versus thirty one for their mothers. Yes, so true, 0:02:58.000 --> 0:03:00.239 and girls born in twenty twenty five may not reach 0:03:00.320 --> 0:03:04.760 that milestone until age thirty six. And so it's going 0:03:04.840 --> 0:03:07.560 up gradually. And so anyone is feeling alone or anyone 0:03:07.560 --> 0:03:09.880 who is thinking, oh gosh, like maybe it's just me, 0:03:10.600 --> 0:03:12.880 the truth is it's not just you. It is the trend. 0:03:12.919 --> 0:03:16.079 And I think often we don't look at statistics as 0:03:16.400 --> 0:03:19.600 a way of understanding we're not alone, because the trends 0:03:19.639 --> 0:03:22.440 show what everyone around you is doing, even if you 0:03:22.480 --> 0:03:24.680 feel everyone around you is having kids, right, I think 0:03:24.680 --> 0:03:26.320 a lot of people look around and go whatever on 0:03:26.360 --> 0:03:29.560 Instagram has kids, and all my friends have kids, and 0:03:29.919 --> 0:03:31.800 everyone does. It's just me. I'm the one who's been 0:03:31.840 --> 0:03:34.360 left behind. Either I don't have kids or I haven't 0:03:34.360 --> 0:03:37.400 found my person yet. And the reality is the status 0:03:37.400 --> 0:03:40.480 show no, you're not alone at all. Pretty much everyone 0:03:40.480 --> 0:03:43.920 around you is getting older, is having kids older, and 0:03:43.960 --> 0:03:46.000 that's much more normal. And I think when you understand that, 0:03:46.040 --> 0:03:48.520 it kind of frees you up from some of that pressure. 0:03:48.960 --> 0:03:51.000 But what's the different kind of pressure that people get 0:03:51.000 --> 0:03:57.000 from like family, society, friends. Have you noticed any patterns 0:03:57.040 --> 0:03:59.240 or differences in what you hear? And I think there's 0:03:59.240 --> 0:04:01.800 two things that I found really interesting. The first is 0:04:01.840 --> 0:04:04.960 no one ever asked a question do you want kids? Yes? 0:04:05.160 --> 0:04:06.839 Or you will maybe from a friend or someone you're 0:04:06.880 --> 0:04:10.120 very close to, but generally people will skip that question. 0:04:10.600 --> 0:04:13.640 It's really strange because when you ask the question when 0:04:13.640 --> 0:04:16.880 are you having kids, it's an assumption that people want 0:04:17.000 --> 0:04:21.600 kids that people can conceive and have Kich Today we'll 0:04:21.600 --> 0:04:24.760 talk about that. That's a whole nother area. It's quite 0:04:24.760 --> 0:04:29.480 an insensitive and unthoughtful question. It comes with good intent. 0:04:29.600 --> 0:04:33.360 People are not people are excited, people are whatever. But 0:04:33.480 --> 0:04:35.280 if you look at it in reality, it doesn't make 0:04:35.279 --> 0:04:37.279 sense as a question. It's like saying to someone like 0:04:37.720 --> 0:04:39.600 when are you going to start a business, and that 0:04:39.680 --> 0:04:42.120 person's like, I'm happy in my job, Like I don't 0:04:42.120 --> 0:04:44.560 want to start a business, or like when are you 0:04:44.680 --> 0:04:47.279 gonna leave your job and find a better job, And 0:04:47.279 --> 0:04:49.320 it's like I don't know if I need to leave 0:04:49.360 --> 0:04:51.720 my job, Like why are you assuming that? But we 0:04:51.800 --> 0:04:56.520 assume everyone wants kids, can have kids, and is excited 0:04:56.520 --> 0:04:57.039 about that. 0:04:57.320 --> 0:04:59.760 I think the biggest part of it is that in 0:05:00.040 --> 0:05:02.000 sensitivity about it, and I know people don't mean it 0:05:02.040 --> 0:05:04.839 in that way, but I think nowadays we're all aware 0:05:04.920 --> 0:05:08.320 that more people than not are having miscarriages or not. 0:05:08.200 --> 0:05:09.160 Being able to conceive. 0:05:09.480 --> 0:05:11.760 I think it's like one in five women have miscarriages, 0:05:11.800 --> 0:05:13.760 and so we all have girlfriends at least like five 0:05:13.800 --> 0:05:16.480 women in our life that one of them will probably 0:05:16.560 --> 0:05:19.400 have had a miscarriage. And I think now we are 0:05:19.480 --> 0:05:23.799 aware of that when people DM me or comment on stuff, 0:05:23.880 --> 0:05:26.240 or even the craziest thing is I will sometimes have 0:05:26.320 --> 0:05:28.880 videos where a little bit my belly's popping out a bit, 0:05:29.000 --> 0:05:30.720 or like maybe I've just eaten and I'm a bit bloated, 0:05:30.720 --> 0:05:32.279 and people are like, oh my gosh, are you pregnant? 0:05:32.320 --> 0:05:34.000 And I'm like, first of all, okay, I actually don't 0:05:34.040 --> 0:05:36.039 mind if people think I'm pregnant based on how I look. 0:05:36.360 --> 0:05:38.760 But I always think if someone's saying that to someone 0:05:38.760 --> 0:05:41.920 who is really struggling to conceive to have a baby, 0:05:42.000 --> 0:05:44.160 not sure what they're doing, it can end up triggering 0:05:44.240 --> 0:05:46.159 something so deeply. So it's kind of like, what is 0:05:46.160 --> 0:05:47.880 the benefit of me asking when you're having children? And 0:05:47.880 --> 0:05:50.000 what's the benefit of me writing it in a public 0:05:50.040 --> 0:05:53.320 forum questioning whether that person is pregnant or not, Because 0:05:53.320 --> 0:05:55.080 if they are pregnant and they haven't told you, they 0:05:55.080 --> 0:05:57.240 probably don't want to tell you. And that's the reality 0:05:57.279 --> 0:05:59.520 of it. People go through different phases in their life 0:05:59.560 --> 0:06:01.920 where they really want children and then they're not sure, 0:06:01.960 --> 0:06:03.560 and then they're trying to figure themselves out and feel 0:06:03.560 --> 0:06:05.920 like it's not the right time. And there's so many 0:06:05.960 --> 0:06:08.760 parts of life where you can feel a different way 0:06:08.800 --> 0:06:12.039 about something. But I always truggle with the idea of, oh, 0:06:12.240 --> 0:06:14.080 you know, are we doing it in the wrong way? 0:06:14.120 --> 0:06:15.200 Are we doing it the right way? 0:06:15.320 --> 0:06:19.120 Like, yes, I think you know, health aspect of it, 0:06:19.200 --> 0:06:22.080 we are it is better to have children when you're younger, 0:06:22.240 --> 0:06:24.000 according to your health. But then when I think about 0:06:24.040 --> 0:06:26.400 it with mindset, if I had had children when I 0:06:26.440 --> 0:06:28.320 was in my twenties, I'm not sure I would have 0:06:28.360 --> 0:06:32.920 been a version of myself that has space to have 0:06:32.960 --> 0:06:35.799 a child, look after it in the right way, create 0:06:35.839 --> 0:06:36.400 the life. 0:06:36.160 --> 0:06:37.679 That I would have wanted to for that child. 0:06:37.760 --> 0:06:40.800 But I would have done that because of pressure of 0:06:41.120 --> 0:06:43.440 people telling me that the twenties is when you should 0:06:43.440 --> 0:06:45.120 do it. And then I speak to women who are 0:06:45.120 --> 0:06:48.040 in their late thirties having children. They say, I'm so glad, 0:06:48.279 --> 0:06:52.119 I'm so grateful that I had children at a later age. 0:06:52.160 --> 0:06:54.080 I now can spend so much time with them. 0:06:54.320 --> 0:06:57.120 I figured my life out, I've spent time with my partner, 0:06:57.440 --> 0:06:59.680 I feel like I'm in a stable place financially, all 0:06:59.760 --> 0:07:02.360 of these things are in place for me to really 0:07:02.400 --> 0:07:04.120 bring up this child how I wanted to. 0:07:04.720 --> 0:07:06.839 And so I think there's so many obviously not. 0:07:07.240 --> 0:07:10.120 There is no right, right answer, But I do think 0:07:10.160 --> 0:07:13.080 it's difficult going through I'm sure anyone listening, I don't 0:07:13.080 --> 0:07:14.760 know whether you've been through this. But in my twenties 0:07:14.800 --> 0:07:18.400 I thought growing up I would have both my children 0:07:18.600 --> 0:07:20.560 or the two children that I thought I wanted. 0:07:20.560 --> 0:07:22.440 In my twenties. No, like I was going to be 0:07:22.480 --> 0:07:24.240 a young mum in my twenties that. 0:07:24.200 --> 0:07:28.680 Was pregnant, looking cute, you know, just getting like fit 0:07:28.720 --> 0:07:30.400 after my pregnancy. You know, I had a vision of 0:07:30.400 --> 0:07:32.960 what that looked like. And then my life changed dramatically. 0:07:33.000 --> 0:07:35.520 Our life changed dramatically, and I felt like I went 0:07:35.520 --> 0:07:37.320 through a whole journey of really trying to having to 0:07:37.480 --> 0:07:40.280 figure out so much more about myself to feel even 0:07:40.320 --> 0:07:44.800 comfortable about inviting another soul into my life that I 0:07:44.880 --> 0:07:47.440 then would be responsible for and I would want to 0:07:47.480 --> 0:07:50.640 give them the best of myself. And so I think 0:07:50.680 --> 0:07:53.720 it's it's really hard for women. Honestly, I think it 0:07:53.760 --> 0:07:54.240 really is. 0:07:54.600 --> 0:07:57.200 Yeah, you brought up to really good things. I think 0:07:58.120 --> 0:08:01.400 one part is the idea that when you ask the 0:08:01.480 --> 0:08:04.560 question when are you having kids, if that person's just 0:08:04.600 --> 0:08:09.560 had a miscarriage, it's really really tough to face that question, 0:08:10.400 --> 0:08:15.320 and they try and smile and hold a positive demeanor 0:08:15.360 --> 0:08:19.600 in that environment, and then they feel pain afterwards. Or 0:08:19.680 --> 0:08:22.520 let's say they're going through IVF treatment, which so many 0:08:22.560 --> 0:08:24.120 of our friends are as well, and so many people 0:08:24.160 --> 0:08:28.160 we know, and it's not going that well right now. Again, 0:08:28.240 --> 0:08:31.600 it's become an emotional reaction for that person. And then 0:08:31.640 --> 0:08:33.040 there's the person who's like, well, I don't want to 0:08:33.080 --> 0:08:36.360 have kids at all. Now it may start a debate 0:08:36.400 --> 0:08:38.240 that they don't really want to have because they don't 0:08:38.240 --> 0:08:41.079 need to convince you or anyone else. And so those 0:08:41.120 --> 0:08:44.120 first two, though, I've seen that be so hard. I've 0:08:44.120 --> 0:08:47.080 had so many friends in the last twenty four to 0:08:47.120 --> 0:08:51.800 thirty six months who've gone through one to three five 0:08:51.920 --> 0:08:57.120 rounds of IVF, had multiple miscarriages, and whenever that question 0:08:57.240 --> 0:09:00.400 or conversation comes up at family dinner or anywhere, it's 0:09:00.480 --> 0:09:05.400 so emotionally difficult for that individual. And just just to 0:09:05.400 --> 0:09:07.640 be really clear, me and Radia have not gone through 0:09:07.640 --> 0:09:09.720 either of those things, and just to be you know, 0:09:09.880 --> 0:09:13.920 totally transparent and honest, we haven't. But for anyone who 0:09:13.960 --> 0:09:15.560 is going through that, I've had so many of my 0:09:15.600 --> 0:09:18.600 friends come up to me and just say like, dude, 0:09:18.640 --> 0:09:21.600 I just I'm struggling. This is meant too, like coming 0:09:21.679 --> 0:09:23.560 up to me and just being like, my wife's just 0:09:23.559 --> 0:09:25.240 been through this. I'm just trying to be there for her. 0:09:25.400 --> 0:09:27.040 But then all her friends keep saying like, when are 0:09:27.080 --> 0:09:28.920 you having kids? And what's going on? Then she's coming 0:09:28.960 --> 0:09:32.000 to me and it's a real thing. And so I'm 0:09:32.000 --> 0:09:34.160 really glad that you raised that point because I think 0:09:34.200 --> 0:09:37.080 it's often forgotten or missed. And the other thing I 0:09:37.120 --> 0:09:38.840 was going to say is, I think one of the 0:09:38.880 --> 0:09:43.240 biggest challenges with humans is that we try to time 0:09:43.360 --> 0:09:48.680 things perfectly. Now, the biological clock is real, totally understands, 0:09:48.720 --> 0:09:53.120 let's start with that foundation. But the idea of when 0:09:53.120 --> 0:09:56.880 are you having kids is the wrong question. I think 0:09:56.920 --> 0:10:00.200 the right questions are actually, do I know how my 0:10:00.280 --> 0:10:05.280 life will change when I have a child? And am 0:10:05.280 --> 0:10:06.839 I ready to embrace that. 0:10:06.840 --> 0:10:07.920 Change right right right now? 0:10:08.000 --> 0:10:10.360 The truth is you won't know fully how your life 0:10:10.400 --> 0:10:12.680 is going to change. So I know parents will say, Jay, 0:10:12.840 --> 0:10:15.000 you never know your life will change in the most 0:10:15.040 --> 0:10:17.560 incredible ways and crazy ways. I agree with that too. 0:10:17.600 --> 0:10:20.200 I don't know. I don't have kids, but what I 0:10:20.240 --> 0:10:23.960 can observe is am I prepared for the basics of 0:10:23.960 --> 0:10:26.760 that change. Do I know it's like changing anything in life? 0:10:26.800 --> 0:10:30.200 Am I aware of how my sleep bands may change, 0:10:30.200 --> 0:10:33.240 how my social life may change, how my relationship with 0:10:33.280 --> 0:10:36.800 my partner may change. I was looking into the statistics 0:10:36.840 --> 0:10:38.400 about this because I was talking to a client of 0:10:38.440 --> 0:10:41.880 mine and they were telling me that after they had 0:10:41.920 --> 0:10:45.480 their firstborn, him and his wife went through the toughest 0:10:45.720 --> 0:10:49.160 part of their marriage. And when I looked into the statistics, 0:10:49.240 --> 0:10:55.040 it showed that most men feel after their partner gives 0:10:55.080 --> 0:11:01.240 birth that they feel unloved, they feel like a second priority, 0:11:01.120 --> 0:11:05.040 they feel unthought about. Yeah, and that's also why the 0:11:05.120 --> 0:11:07.679 trend showed that more men are likely to cheat at 0:11:07.679 --> 0:11:10.120 that time, no way when either when their wife are 0:11:10.160 --> 0:11:13.360 pregnant or when their wife gives birth. Because again I'm 0:11:13.360 --> 0:11:15.760 not condoning this, I'm just talking about the statistics because 0:11:15.760 --> 0:11:19.559 that's when they feel neglected. So the truth is, if 0:11:19.600 --> 0:11:22.760 you're prepared for that, you'll be less surprised in court 0:11:22.760 --> 0:11:25.400 of God. Right when I think about us having kids, 0:11:25.559 --> 0:11:28.679 I'm like, got it, Rabi, I'm going to go lower 0:11:28.720 --> 0:11:31.520 on the list. Yeah, And that's a reality not just 0:11:31.559 --> 0:11:34.360 for me, but for every man in my position, who 0:11:34.440 --> 0:11:37.480 has that situation, And if I'm mentally prepared for it, 0:11:37.520 --> 0:11:39.880 I'm actually better ready to deal with it rather than 0:11:39.880 --> 0:11:42.160 I'm like looking at you, going, well, what's going on? 0:11:42.240 --> 0:11:42.280 Like? 0:11:42.320 --> 0:11:44.000 Why am I not your priority anymore? You don't love 0:11:44.040 --> 0:11:46.800 me anymore? When in reality, of course, your energy is 0:11:46.840 --> 0:11:51.040 going to go towards this helpless little baby who actually 0:11:51.040 --> 0:11:53.320 needs it. And all I'm saying is like, treat me 0:11:53.440 --> 0:11:56.400 like the baby. I'm not the baby anymore. Yeah, And 0:11:56.440 --> 0:11:58.640 so I think there's a lot to be said for 0:11:59.320 --> 0:12:01.760 not asking the question of when's the right time, because 0:12:01.800 --> 0:12:03.800 I don't think you'll ever know when it's the right time, 0:12:04.280 --> 0:12:06.000 but it's do I know how my life is going 0:12:06.040 --> 0:12:09.199 to change? And am I ready to embrace that change? 0:12:09.400 --> 0:12:10.760 So my life is going to change, but I'm not 0:12:10.760 --> 0:12:12.600 going to be your top priority. Am I ready for that? 0:12:12.960 --> 0:12:15.360 My life's going to change by I will have sleepless night? 0:12:15.520 --> 0:12:17.320 Am I ready for that? My life's going to change 0:12:17.320 --> 0:12:19.960 with I may not be able to have the freedom 0:12:20.000 --> 0:12:21.600 on the weekends that I have right now? Am I 0:12:21.640 --> 0:12:24.439 ready for that? And those are better questions to prepare 0:12:24.480 --> 0:12:26.760 me because the question of when should we have kids 0:12:26.800 --> 0:12:28.199 doesn't really prepare me. M. 0:12:28.679 --> 0:12:29.760 Yeah, no, I agree. 0:12:29.920 --> 0:12:34.240 I do think that the process is never going to 0:12:34.280 --> 0:12:36.679 be the same and never going to be understood as 0:12:36.720 --> 0:12:39.800 fully by a man as it is obviously for a woman, 0:12:39.840 --> 0:12:44.000 because a woman has to literally carry that child inside 0:12:44.000 --> 0:12:46.400 of her for those nine months, and so I think 0:12:46.400 --> 0:12:50.120 there's always going to be slight disconnects between how men 0:12:50.200 --> 0:12:53.240 perceive the situation and how women do. But I remember 0:12:53.280 --> 0:12:55.720 I was thinking about how, you know, I remember at 0:12:55.760 --> 0:12:57.800 the beginning, when we first met, you really didn't want 0:12:57.840 --> 0:13:01.040 to have children, or like you were sure whether you did, 0:13:01.040 --> 0:13:03.199 And it was so it was right at the beginning. 0:13:03.280 --> 0:13:05.280 Yeah, I'd just come out of the monastery and that. 0:13:05.440 --> 0:13:06.720 Exactly, and your mindset was back there. 0:13:06.720 --> 0:13:08.880 And I read this quote actually that I thought for 0:13:08.960 --> 0:13:11.160 anybody thinking of not having children, I thought it was 0:13:11.160 --> 0:13:13.800 really well put. I said, motherhood is not Motherhood is 0:13:13.840 --> 0:13:16.040 not the only way to mother. You can mother a movement, 0:13:16.080 --> 0:13:18.840 a garden, a dream, or a community. And I remember 0:13:18.880 --> 0:13:22.240 when we first met, back way back, when you had 0:13:22.280 --> 0:13:23.920 said you wanted to help so many more people, and 0:13:23.920 --> 0:13:25.680 you weren't sure whether you want to put all your 0:13:26.160 --> 0:13:27.280 emphasis onto. 0:13:27.080 --> 0:13:29.719 One person or into one child. 0:13:29.840 --> 0:13:33.080 And so many people recently that I have met, or 0:13:33.120 --> 0:13:35.080 actually not so many. Quite a few people that I 0:13:35.160 --> 0:13:37.120 met recently have said that they don't want to have 0:13:37.240 --> 0:13:40.920 children because they feel they are saving the child from 0:13:40.920 --> 0:13:42.920 all the pain that's happening in the world. They don't 0:13:42.960 --> 0:13:46.720 think this environment is an environment to bring children into 0:13:46.760 --> 0:13:48.720 the world. I know there's a big following of that 0:13:48.720 --> 0:13:53.239 philosophy from friends that we know and even in specific communities, 0:13:53.280 --> 0:13:55.120 and I was wondering whether you'd heard that or what 0:13:55.160 --> 0:13:55.960 your thoughts were on it. 0:13:56.280 --> 0:13:58.640 Yeah, I think for me, it was very much a 0:13:58.679 --> 0:14:02.560 feeling of I feel I get to express a lot 0:14:02.600 --> 0:14:03.680 of paternal energy. 0:14:03.840 --> 0:14:04.360 Yeah. 0:14:05.040 --> 0:14:06.720 I know it's not the same, so I'm not trying 0:14:06.760 --> 0:14:09.720 to say it's the same, but I experience a lot 0:14:09.760 --> 0:14:12.319 of paternal energy in my work. I feel like I'm 0:14:12.360 --> 0:14:15.600 a parent to lots of people, and so that part 0:14:15.600 --> 0:14:17.160 of my life is quite full. 0:14:17.320 --> 0:14:19.080 I mean, if you think about rather Thanaswami who's a 0:14:19.120 --> 0:14:21.280 spiritual teacher, and all the spiritual teachers that are out 0:14:21.280 --> 0:14:23.640 there who are not in relationships and don't have children, 0:14:24.240 --> 0:14:27.960 all they do is father people or other people and 0:14:28.160 --> 0:14:30.720 are there for them through every type of problem and 0:14:30.760 --> 0:14:34.400 supporting them, caring for them, So I can totally understand 0:14:34.440 --> 0:14:35.880 how people could feel like that. 0:14:35.880 --> 0:14:37.720 That was how I used to feel, yeah, for sure. 0:14:38.520 --> 0:14:40.880 And I think there's a lot of people now who 0:14:40.960 --> 0:14:44.520 are fearful of raising a child in a world with 0:14:44.640 --> 0:14:48.040 social media, the mental health challenges that come with it, 0:14:49.280 --> 0:14:53.880 the security and safety issue the world, Yeah, school systems 0:14:54.000 --> 0:14:59.280 that are failing children, the worry with I mean, that's 0:14:59.360 --> 0:15:03.320 just like war or there's just so much that I 0:15:03.360 --> 0:15:05.240 think people are becoming aware of. Again, it's not lots 0:15:05.240 --> 0:15:06.920 of people. It's some people that I know that are 0:15:06.920 --> 0:15:09.720 having these conversations, and I think all of those are 0:15:09.760 --> 0:15:11.880 valid for that person now. At the same time, I 0:15:11.960 --> 0:15:16.400 know people who are raising amazing kids that are going 0:15:16.440 --> 0:15:18.640 to go on to become future leaders of the world 0:15:19.520 --> 0:15:22.760 in their areas. And I know amazing people raising beautiful 0:15:22.800 --> 0:15:25.840 children that I think will have a beautiful impact on 0:15:25.920 --> 0:15:28.600 their communities and the people around them. And I know 0:15:28.680 --> 0:15:31.200 people having kids yet early who are really happy. Like 0:15:31.240 --> 0:15:34.400 we just had Nara Smith on the podcast, and Nara's 0:15:34.400 --> 0:15:36.800 in her twenties and she has like four kids and 0:15:36.840 --> 0:15:40.480 she loves it, like she's really happy, and it comes 0:15:40.520 --> 0:15:43.640 with her and her husband making certain choices and whatever 0:15:43.720 --> 0:15:46.360 it may be, but she's happy about it, and I 0:15:46.400 --> 0:15:48.120 can see that when I'm with her, and she's a 0:15:48.120 --> 0:15:53.080 successful woman. She's very ambitious, she's driven, but they have 0:15:53.120 --> 0:15:55.920 a happy family set up. And so it's funny. 0:15:55.640 --> 0:15:57.440 Because now people see that as, oh my gosh, she 0:15:57.480 --> 0:16:00.440 had kids so early. Yeah, but she hasn't had kids early. 0:16:01.160 --> 0:16:04.160 I don't know what's early and late. But technically back 0:16:04.160 --> 0:16:06.960 in the day, like even twenty thirty years ago, that 0:16:07.000 --> 0:16:08.920 would have been seen as a very normal age to 0:16:08.960 --> 0:16:11.640 have children. And now on social media when you see it, 0:16:11.720 --> 0:16:14.840 these people saying, wow, she's had four kids in her twenties. 0:16:14.880 --> 0:16:17.840 That is so like, she's had them so young, so early. 0:16:18.560 --> 0:16:20.880 So it's so funny how things just change, isn't it. 0:16:21.000 --> 0:16:22.800 That's a great that's such a good point of like 0:16:22.920 --> 0:16:26.440 what is normal changes every twenty five years. Yeah, And 0:16:26.480 --> 0:16:29.600 so this idea of well everyone's doing it is a 0:16:29.640 --> 0:16:33.040 messy metric because what everyone's doing today will be different 0:16:33.040 --> 0:16:35.480 from what everyone's doing twenty five years from now, and 0:16:35.520 --> 0:16:38.520 different to what everyone did twenty five years ago. And 0:16:38.600 --> 0:16:42.240 so trying to do what everyone's doing it does make 0:16:42.320 --> 0:16:44.240 life easier. There's a reason why we want to do 0:16:44.280 --> 0:16:47.080 things at the same time as people because you can 0:16:47.120 --> 0:16:49.240 share in that experience. And I think that's important and 0:16:49.280 --> 0:16:51.600 we need that. But if you're not ready for something, 0:16:51.640 --> 0:16:54.520 and this was a really interesting statistic, it said thirty 0:16:54.560 --> 0:16:59.120 six percent of adults under fifty without kids say they're 0:16:59.120 --> 0:17:02.320 delaying parent because they don't think they can afford it. 0:17:02.680 --> 0:17:06.840 Oh wow, and that, you know, has become such a challenge. 0:17:06.920 --> 0:17:11.600 Sixty six percent of parents feel consumed by money worries 0:17:12.200 --> 0:17:16.280 versus thirty nine percent of non parents, So that's true. 0:17:16.440 --> 0:17:17.320 Kid's expensive. 0:17:17.680 --> 0:17:22.000 The pressure of having a child financially is actually one 0:17:22.040 --> 0:17:24.879 of the biggest factors in why people are scared of 0:17:24.880 --> 0:17:28.240 having children. I actually read that for someone to raise 0:17:28.280 --> 0:17:31.399 their child from a zero to eighteen is going to 0:17:31.440 --> 0:17:35.359 cost anywhere between two hundred and thirty three thousand to 0:17:35.480 --> 0:17:38.560 three hundred and ten thousand dollars. And by the way, 0:17:38.600 --> 0:17:41.679 that doesn't include college. Wow, because eighteen's before college. So 0:17:41.720 --> 0:17:44.280 if you add tuition fees if your child's going to 0:17:44.280 --> 0:17:49.000 go to college, you're adding potentially another thirty fifty hundred, 0:17:49.440 --> 0:17:52.560 two hundred thousand dollars depending on where they go. And 0:17:52.640 --> 0:17:55.679 so that's an incredible lot. It's a lot of money, 0:17:56.040 --> 0:17:58.760 and so that has become a real factor. And I've 0:17:58.760 --> 0:18:01.240 heard that from a lot of people saying, we really 0:18:01.240 --> 0:18:03.280 want to have another kid, but we just don't know 0:18:03.280 --> 0:18:05.600 if we can afford it. And then again, if that 0:18:05.640 --> 0:18:08.480 person gets asked, when are you having kids? It triggers 0:18:08.600 --> 0:18:14.159 financial insecurity, It triggers economic uncertainty, It triggers a feeling 0:18:14.200 --> 0:18:16.359 of not being worthy enough, not being good enough. Like 0:18:16.400 --> 0:18:19.560 I don't think we realize how that question, like you said, 0:18:19.560 --> 0:18:23.400 it affects your belief about your appearance. Imagine someone's trying 0:18:23.440 --> 0:18:26.919 to lose weight, gain muscle, strengthen and someone says you 0:18:26.960 --> 0:18:31.640 look like you're pregnant, like that affects them on that perspective. 0:18:32.119 --> 0:18:35.240 If someone's struggling to pay their bills and having a child, 0:18:35.440 --> 0:18:37.080 you ask them when a you're gonna have kids, they're 0:18:37.080 --> 0:18:38.080 now worried about. 0:18:38.000 --> 0:18:40.040 Especially if they really want children and they're trying to 0:18:40.040 --> 0:18:42.240 figure it out financially and they really want them, but 0:18:42.240 --> 0:18:44.000 they're finding it difficult to even think of how that 0:18:44.040 --> 0:18:44.840