WEBVTT - Does Porn Ruin Relationships?

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<v Speaker 1>Hey, fam, I'm Jada Pinkett Smith and this is the

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<v Speaker 1>Red Table Pop podcast, all your favorite episodes from the

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<v Speaker 1>Facebook watch show in audio, produced by Westbrook Audio and

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<v Speaker 1>I Heart Radio. Please don't forget to rate and review

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<v Speaker 1>on Apple Podcasts. Forty million people watch porn on a

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<v Speaker 1>regular basis. Forty million people. Low key. I'm down for

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<v Speaker 1>for the expensive looking stuff. You know, I'm down for

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<v Speaker 1>the artistic. You know, Jesus, well it's arts. If it's artsy, well,

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<v Speaker 1>let me tell you, well, I guess I'm not looking

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<v Speaker 1>at the right stuff, because what do you say? If

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<v Speaker 1>I was sit there on my porn game, I'll be

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<v Speaker 1>able to show you some good porn because back in

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<v Speaker 1>the day, I had a little porn addiction, but I

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<v Speaker 1>wasn't in a relationship where I had a porn addiction, believe,

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<v Speaker 1>Thank goodness. I just want you all to know this

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<v Speaker 1>is a lot for me. It's a lot for you.

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<v Speaker 1>It's been a lot for me. You never think your

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<v Speaker 1>mother has anything to do with porn whatsoever, or your grandchild,

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<v Speaker 1>because I remember the first time I went on will

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<v Speaker 1>Lost Tumbler, she was ten or eleven and she said, Mom,

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<v Speaker 1>and she's very matter of fact, she was like, I'm

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<v Speaker 1>going to my tumbler page. But as we're going to

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<v Speaker 1>the tumbler page, you're gonna see a lot of stuff

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<v Speaker 1>it has nothing to do with me. So I was like, okay,

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<v Speaker 1>so she's just scrolling, scrolling, And when I tell you

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<v Speaker 1>I saw some of the most hardcore porno, it wasn't Mom,

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<v Speaker 1>it really was. It was hard, It really was. It

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<v Speaker 1>was she to be seeing that freaking eleven years old, Tom,

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<v Speaker 1>I don't believe that. No Tombler more of the artistic

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<v Speaker 1>aspect of it though, not what I saw, well, nothing

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<v Speaker 1>artistic about that. I saw something that you saw, but yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>what I remember graphic what I know about tumbler. I

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<v Speaker 1>was like Willow, and she was like, don't even pay

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<v Speaker 1>attention to it. We're getting to my page. I was like,

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<v Speaker 1>I can't believe kids are exposed to this on a

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<v Speaker 1>daily basis. I was profoundly disturbed. But the thing that

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<v Speaker 1>I will say, though, is that because I had you

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<v Speaker 1>and Daddy to actually like have real conversations with that,

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<v Speaker 1>stuff didn't really affect me. Because I knew I had

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<v Speaker 1>I had a connection with people that I could talk

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<v Speaker 1>to about it, and you like, what the reality of

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<v Speaker 1>it was. Let me ask you a question, because back

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<v Speaker 1>in the day, porn for my generation started in magazines

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<v Speaker 1>and then you had to like go to a CD

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<v Speaker 1>store to get a VHS tape, like you had to, like,

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<v Speaker 1>we didn't have access to it like that. So if

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<v Speaker 1>you you had to like really going adventure to go

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<v Speaker 1>see some pornography, whereas for your generation, it's on your phone,

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<v Speaker 1>it's porn in your pocket, porn in your pocket. What

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<v Speaker 1>have you seen in regards to your generation? Do you

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<v Speaker 1>know boys that are fascinated with porn or like who

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<v Speaker 1>have a specific I mean, I have two brothers, so

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<v Speaker 1>they're not addicted to porn. No, they're not addicted to porn.

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<v Speaker 1>But like, I've done seen some stuff, So what is

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<v Speaker 1>going on? That's a moment, all right, all right? She's like,

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<v Speaker 1>I can't take it. I can't. I think I'll probably

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<v Speaker 1>be in too much shock to even converse about it.

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<v Speaker 1>This is the time. No, like that, I don't even

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<v Speaker 1>know if I want to hear it. Honestly, Oh god,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm gonna get it out of them, best believe. Let's

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<v Speaker 1>not stigmatize it. Come on, guys, you know what do

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<v Speaker 1>you mean? Let's not stigmatize it. You know, people are

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<v Speaker 1>already having problems with it, so if we stigmatize it,

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<v Speaker 1>it makes it more shameful, you know, and it makes

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<v Speaker 1>it so that people don't want to talk about it

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<v Speaker 1>and then don't heal. It's a slippery slope that it is.

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<v Speaker 1>It's a slippery slope. And I know that it's a

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<v Speaker 1>person balance, Like when is it okay? And when is

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<v Speaker 1>it just destructive in our relationship? Oh, if it's causing

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<v Speaker 1>problems in your relationship, that's a tricky sit It's it's tricky.

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<v Speaker 1>It is true. Icky. Well, we'll take it to the table.

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<v Speaker 1>This shall be an interesting table today, so please join us.

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<v Speaker 1>This will not be my favorite show. Let's just put

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<v Speaker 1>that out there. It will not, you know, my favorite.

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<v Speaker 1>Let go of the inhibitions, yes, you know. Okay, it's

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<v Speaker 1>time to get to get real baby. Here we are

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<v Speaker 1>at the table to talk about the effects of pornography

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<v Speaker 1>on relationship relationships. Yeah, this is an interesting one. And

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<v Speaker 1>I actually feel like I was using maybe addiction a

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<v Speaker 1>little lightly, And maybe I will say now that I

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<v Speaker 1>had an unhealthy relationship to porn at one point in

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<v Speaker 1>my life where I was trying to practice act do

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<v Speaker 1>you think that fixation on porn came for an emotional it?

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<v Speaker 1>Did you know it was actually like feeling like an

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<v Speaker 1>emptiness at least you think it is exactly, but it's

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<v Speaker 1>actually not. And I'm actually reading like some of the

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<v Speaker 1>effects of pornography, like the idea that it really gives

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<v Speaker 1>you false expectations. As far as sexual interaction, I can

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<v Speaker 1>definitely see, you know, how a woman should always be

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<v Speaker 1>willing and ready. He should be able to have sex

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<v Speaker 1>however he wants in any positions, where like you should

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<v Speaker 1>enjoy it no matter what, and it shouldn't just be

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<v Speaker 1>joy but it should be just exhilarated, you know. And

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<v Speaker 1>even in pornography, you're never tired, there's never a no,

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<v Speaker 1>you know. So I can definitely see how that could

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<v Speaker 1>um create a unrealistic expectation. To me, there's something about

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<v Speaker 1>porn that's unnatural. Yes, yeah, extremely, I don't have of

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<v Speaker 1>any qualms. Well, I actually do, you know, But it's

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<v Speaker 1>not like I, you know, look down on people that

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<v Speaker 1>use it because you know, it's been beneficial for me

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<v Speaker 1>to but has it? Yeah, because I grew up in

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<v Speaker 1>the household that was just created a lot of shame,

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<v Speaker 1>which is so interesting because it wasn't like that for you,

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<v Speaker 1>but it definitely was like that for me. And so

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<v Speaker 1>you felt like porn helped break the shame, help help

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<v Speaker 1>you just get more comfortable. There's something about it that

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<v Speaker 1>was freeing. But that's all. There's also part of like

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<v Speaker 1>this is a time when you need to have really

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<v Speaker 1>really good girlfriends. Yeah, you know, thank you, Terry. Terry

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<v Speaker 1>talked to me because she was like, look, any sex

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<v Speaker 1>that you had between you and your husband that you're

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<v Speaker 1>both in agreement on, it's fine, you know. She she

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<v Speaker 1>really helped me with that because those internal blockages that

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<v Speaker 1>make you unable to connect, which then makes you feel

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<v Speaker 1>like you have to go to this other source. There

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<v Speaker 1>are things that I don't like to watch, Like I

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<v Speaker 1>don't like to watch a lot of abuse and all

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<v Speaker 1>that slapping women in the face, and like I don't

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<v Speaker 1>like all of that. Yeah, and then you have that

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<v Speaker 1>porn that's more sensual. This you know, it's like it's

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<v Speaker 1>it's very sensual, very done in a very artistic way.

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<v Speaker 1>You know, you're slow motion and you know, very sensual,

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<v Speaker 1>more about love making instead of like you know, abuse

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<v Speaker 1>and aggression exactly. So you have and you know what

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<v Speaker 1>I'm saying exactly, and I'm like, listen, believe with my

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<v Speaker 1>daughter and my granddaughter, I can't believe I'm in this

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<v Speaker 1>conversation with you, and I gotta hear a terry he's

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<v Speaker 1>telling you. But you know what, Adrian, it's okay if

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<v Speaker 1>you to watch a little porn, like really right, it's

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<v Speaker 1>but yeah, it's girlfriends helpful when you have hang ups. No, definitely,

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<v Speaker 1>it is those two schools of thought. You have a

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<v Speaker 1>lot of women who are like, you know, porn should

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<v Speaker 1>be totally eradicated, but it's not good in any way,

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<v Speaker 1>And then you have those women who feel the same

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<v Speaker 1>way as you do. I've heard lots of women say

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<v Speaker 1>that it has helped them break their inhibitions in regards

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<v Speaker 1>to sex, which I do feel as though a lot

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<v Speaker 1>of women have that to deal with. And let me

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<v Speaker 1>tell you something, I don't really think we know culturally

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<v Speaker 1>what women like in regards to sex. That part because

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<v Speaker 1>women have always been repressed and allowed to explore in

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<v Speaker 1>the same way as man. But I definitely think men

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<v Speaker 1>do perceive sex in a very different way. Of course,

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<v Speaker 1>I think that that just like men perceived the world

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<v Speaker 1>in a very different way. Because we hadn't haven't had

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<v Speaker 1>the freedom, right, you know, we're just getting to the

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<v Speaker 1>point where we're even given selves the opportunity to explore.

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<v Speaker 1>So we need years of that before we even know.

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<v Speaker 1>Ye will get labeled a slut and a part beat

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<v Speaker 1>in a minute. And that is that structure that will

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<v Speaker 1>label a woman as a slut in the hole when

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<v Speaker 1>she expresses her sexuality and you know, finds joy in

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<v Speaker 1>sexual pleasure. That's the same structure that is upholding this

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<v Speaker 1>porn industry. Right, you better talk about it a little

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<v Speaker 1>girl today. It's really about talking about porn and how

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<v Speaker 1>it's caused really detrimental, detrimental. They say one third of

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<v Speaker 1>people addicted to porn lose their jobs, and they say

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<v Speaker 1>that porn addicts are three more likely to cheat on

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<v Speaker 1>their partners. That's what they say. Are they considering that

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<v Speaker 1>watching the porn is cheating? I think a lot of

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<v Speaker 1>partners consider even watching porn cheating because it's taking it's

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<v Speaker 1>taking attention away from the part their partner. Because there

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<v Speaker 1>are a lot of porn addicts who lose sexual interests

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<v Speaker 1>in their partners because the expectation is so different, right,

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<v Speaker 1>so many of my peers who come to me and

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<v Speaker 1>are like, my boyfriend likes watching porn, Like I'm not surely,

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<v Speaker 1>and they're not sure how to like. They're like, oh,

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<v Speaker 1>I'll try to watch it with him and make it

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<v Speaker 1>like a thing that I'm involved in, you know what

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<v Speaker 1>I mean. So it's not just a thing that he

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<v Speaker 1>feels like he's doing on his own. You know, there

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<v Speaker 1>are a lot of couples that say that um porn

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<v Speaker 1>has a devastating effect on that vash and ship. This

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<v Speaker 1>brave couple are leaders in a new nationwide movement. They

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<v Speaker 1>are sharing their story to warn others about the dangers

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<v Speaker 1>of pornography. Name is Garrett Johnson, twenty nine years old.

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<v Speaker 1>I have a beautiful wife and we have two kids.

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<v Speaker 1>What's your name? Dude? This is Rev How old are you?

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<v Speaker 1>Three years old? This is a did you just turn Tuesday? Book?

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<v Speaker 1>My beautiful wife where it was a jazz dancer. She

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<v Speaker 1>dance for the Utah Jazz our six year anniversaries on

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<v Speaker 1>Sunday when I was nine years old. That was with

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<v Speaker 1>my friends. We were start football buddies and we were

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<v Speaker 1>at a sleepover. That night was the first night that

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<v Speaker 1>I saw pornography. And I didn't know then that that

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<v Speaker 1>night would be the beginning of a challenge. As I

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<v Speaker 1>grew and went into thirteen, fourteen, and fifteen, I would

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<v Speaker 1>watch it a few times a week. I just remember thinking,

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<v Speaker 1>when I got married, I won't have to use pornography anymore.

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<v Speaker 1>I just continue to say, over and over all, right,

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<v Speaker 1>this is the last time, and then I'd go through

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<v Speaker 1>periods would be like, Okay, I'm just gonna do it

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<v Speaker 1>and just accept it. Well, first, I want to say

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<v Speaker 1>thank you, really honestly for just you know, being willing

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<v Speaker 1>to come here and share your story. It's not easy.

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<v Speaker 1>It's not easy to do, and there's so many people

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<v Speaker 1>who are dealing with this issue and their relationships. I honestly,

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<v Speaker 1>when I watched your episodes, I'm like, man, this table

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<v Speaker 1>is going to change the world. Those conversations are important.

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<v Speaker 1>So we're excited to be here. Well, thank you, thank you.

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<v Speaker 1>So when did you realize that you actually had a problem.

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<v Speaker 1>When I was nine, I was when I was first exposed,

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<v Speaker 1>and I was very open. I didn't feel guilty about it.

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<v Speaker 1>My friends and I would watch porn even together sometimes,

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<v Speaker 1>and that was kind of common practicing. That's what happened

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<v Speaker 1>to me. I was around like eleven, but all my

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<v Speaker 1>girlfriends were like, oh, like you should watch and I

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<v Speaker 1>was like, I'm not really sure. Fast forward to two

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<v Speaker 1>thousand seven, and that's when like the first versions of

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<v Speaker 1>smartphones coming out, right, So for me, that's when the

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<v Speaker 1>concept of more and more often and a more hardcore

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<v Speaker 1>version came into place, okay, and then ramped up real

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<v Speaker 1>quick with the technology. Technology. God, that's the game changer.

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<v Speaker 1>I grew up in a house that taught that it's

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<v Speaker 1>important to treat people with respect, and that's important to

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<v Speaker 1>treat women with respect and to be honest. And so

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<v Speaker 1>I think when I started to realize that I had

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<v Speaker 1>a challenge of pornography was when we started dating, and

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<v Speaker 1>then I didn't feel comfortable telling her how often were

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<v Speaker 1>you looking at points every day? Every day? Did you

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<v Speaker 1>feel any like like before he told you, did you

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<v Speaker 1>feel like there might have been something? You know? It's

0:13:30.400 --> 0:13:34.640
<v Speaker 1>what's interesting is there were no red flags. But also

0:13:34.720 --> 0:13:36.760
<v Speaker 1>for me, like even when we were dating, there was

0:13:36.840 --> 0:13:39.520
<v Speaker 1>never the question. It just wasn't an issue, Like in

0:13:39.559 --> 0:13:42.040
<v Speaker 1>my mind, you didn't think of something that was brought

0:13:42.080 --> 0:13:45.880
<v Speaker 1>to my attention. So you guys got married and then

0:13:46.280 --> 0:13:48.280
<v Speaker 1>through four years of marriage, and I was able to

0:13:48.360 --> 0:13:51.360
<v Speaker 1>hide it from her because I did not want to

0:13:51.400 --> 0:13:55.800
<v Speaker 1>tell her. Not only am I deceiving her, I'm deceiving myself.

0:13:56.040 --> 0:13:59.000
<v Speaker 1>Got it all the sneaking around like all that. How

0:13:59.000 --> 0:14:02.160
<v Speaker 1>did you feel like it was that hard to sneak

0:14:02.200 --> 0:14:09.320
<v Speaker 1>around it? Because this is rectangle, my poet, It's not

0:14:09.360 --> 0:14:14.480
<v Speaker 1>a boxing magazine in the bathroom anytime was there as

0:14:14.480 --> 0:14:19.680
<v Speaker 1>a closed door exactly thinking or questioning it? You didn't

0:14:19.680 --> 0:14:21.400
<v Speaker 1>want to tell her why I didn't want to tell

0:14:21.440 --> 0:14:25.640
<v Speaker 1>her because I love her so much and they didn't

0:14:25.680 --> 0:14:27.760
<v Speaker 1>want to care about her so much. Yeah, Like I

0:14:27.760 --> 0:14:30.160
<v Speaker 1>talked about it with my friends, but it wasn't serious discussion.

0:14:30.600 --> 0:14:33.160
<v Speaker 1>It wasn't like, hey, dude, like I'm having a challenge,

0:14:33.400 --> 0:14:35.840
<v Speaker 1>this is affective. The ways I didn't know it wasn't

0:14:35.880 --> 0:14:40.320
<v Speaker 1>getting vulnerable and so going into her I couldn't talk

0:14:40.360 --> 0:14:42.080
<v Speaker 1>to her about it because you couldn't go to that

0:14:42.120 --> 0:14:44.040
<v Speaker 1>vulnerable space. And so I was like, I'm gonna handle

0:14:44.080 --> 0:14:47.040
<v Speaker 1>by myself over and over and over and over and over.

0:14:47.200 --> 0:14:53.640
<v Speaker 1>I tried to stop and could not stop over and over. Wow,

0:14:53.920 --> 0:14:56.320
<v Speaker 1>what would you say was your lowest moment? I think

0:14:56.360 --> 0:15:00.400
<v Speaker 1>for me, it was like when I finally told Aerial

0:15:00.480 --> 0:15:02.840
<v Speaker 1>the truth. I think that was probably the lowest moment.

0:15:02.960 --> 0:15:07.800
<v Speaker 1>What made you tell me I was sick of How

0:15:07.840 --> 0:15:10.400
<v Speaker 1>did that make you feel when he came to you

0:15:10.800 --> 0:15:13.640
<v Speaker 1>and said that he was trying to stop or that

0:15:13.760 --> 0:15:17.640
<v Speaker 1>he was even engaging? Yeah, so it was it was

0:15:17.720 --> 0:15:20.240
<v Speaker 1>like late at night, we were laying in bed, and

0:15:20.280 --> 0:15:23.960
<v Speaker 1>I could tell that he was very restless. Yeah, He's like,

0:15:23.960 --> 0:15:27.240
<v Speaker 1>I got something to tell you, and I'm like, what

0:15:27.880 --> 0:15:30.360
<v Speaker 1>is it going to be? And you know, your stomach

0:15:30.480 --> 0:15:34.160
<v Speaker 1>and your nerves and everything, just like everything I'm thinking

0:15:34.280 --> 0:15:35.960
<v Speaker 1>is like Clara up here, and I'm like, is he

0:15:36.000 --> 0:15:39.040
<v Speaker 1>gonna leave me to eatcheat on me? And then he

0:15:39.120 --> 0:15:44.520
<v Speaker 1>told me that and I was like like I didn't

0:15:44.520 --> 0:15:48.640
<v Speaker 1>know what to say. It's like numb almost, and kind

0:15:48.640 --> 0:15:52.840
<v Speaker 1>of hurt a little bit because at the time, for

0:15:52.880 --> 0:15:54.800
<v Speaker 1>a moment, I was like, well, we're not good enough

0:15:54.840 --> 0:15:57.640
<v Speaker 1>for him, you know, like they we're not giving him

0:15:57.680 --> 0:16:00.880
<v Speaker 1>what he needs. So for short while I kind of

0:16:00.880 --> 0:16:03.240
<v Speaker 1>went into denial and kind of was like put it

0:16:03.280 --> 0:16:05.040
<v Speaker 1>back here. And it it was like, you know, with that,

0:16:05.560 --> 0:16:07.200
<v Speaker 1>put it back here, and we're not going to talk

0:16:07.240 --> 0:16:10.120
<v Speaker 1>about it for a couple of weeks. How do you

0:16:10.120 --> 0:16:13.240
<v Speaker 1>think it affected your relationship? It's still kind of happening,

0:16:13.520 --> 0:16:16.440
<v Speaker 1>like we're still figuring it out. And I think one

0:16:16.480 --> 0:16:21.280
<v Speaker 1>thing is the unrealistic expectation of sex in a relationship.

0:16:21.520 --> 0:16:24.920
<v Speaker 1>Got it. So I'm his wife and he's my husband,

0:16:24.960 --> 0:16:27.440
<v Speaker 1>and we're supposed to have sex or have sex all

0:16:27.440 --> 0:16:33.720
<v Speaker 1>the time because pornography has puts unrealistic expectations in people's

0:16:33.760 --> 0:16:36.720
<v Speaker 1>minds after they've watched it. When I'm ready, you should

0:16:36.800 --> 0:16:41.520
<v Speaker 1>always be ready and be very ready. Yeah, but nothing

0:16:41.560 --> 0:16:45.680
<v Speaker 1>about about how she performed or are times I think

0:16:45.720 --> 0:16:48.080
<v Speaker 1>afterwards where in my mind I was like, because I

0:16:48.200 --> 0:16:53.000
<v Speaker 1>never watched porn. Really, I find it very interesting that

0:16:53.080 --> 0:16:56.720
<v Speaker 1>he has an addiction and you never watched it, so

0:16:56.800 --> 0:17:00.600
<v Speaker 1>you don't even you don't know even know what that is.

0:17:00.720 --> 0:17:05.000
<v Speaker 1>That's insecurity in your mind, right, it's like, what do

0:17:05.040 --> 0:17:08.520
<v Speaker 1>they look like? How do I look compared to there?

0:17:08.600 --> 0:17:12.040
<v Speaker 1>To what you're watching? Right? And I mean, we would

0:17:12.040 --> 0:17:16.160
<v Speaker 1>always fulfill each other's needs. But even after he told

0:17:16.200 --> 0:17:19.919
<v Speaker 1>you you weren't like you was after he told me

0:17:20.000 --> 0:17:24.200
<v Speaker 1>that you were like and I didn't even still there.

0:17:24.240 --> 0:17:28.320
<v Speaker 1>Oh wow. I asked him some questions, but it took

0:17:28.359 --> 0:17:31.200
<v Speaker 1>me several weeks to get there. Took me some weeks

0:17:31.280 --> 0:17:34.600
<v Speaker 1>to ask him what kind of how much, how exactly?

0:17:34.680 --> 0:17:40.760
<v Speaker 1>You know, the arguments would come up because I enjoy sex,

0:17:40.880 --> 0:17:44.440
<v Speaker 1>I enjoy being intimate with my husband, but there were

0:17:44.440 --> 0:17:47.560
<v Speaker 1>times when I didn't want to kind of what you said,

0:17:47.560 --> 0:17:50.240
<v Speaker 1>and yeah, exactly, and there are times where you're just

0:17:50.280 --> 0:17:53.720
<v Speaker 1>tired to sleep, and I think that's what caused the

0:17:53.840 --> 0:17:58.280
<v Speaker 1>negative feelings, the arguments, And it would happen several times

0:17:58.320 --> 0:18:01.199
<v Speaker 1>a year, you know, and when I would say no,

0:18:01.880 --> 0:18:04.960
<v Speaker 1>then he would kind of get really frustrated and we

0:18:04.960 --> 0:18:08.000
<v Speaker 1>would argue about it. It would become a big issue.

0:18:08.680 --> 0:18:11.720
<v Speaker 1>Just three months ago, we're getting physically intimate, right and

0:18:11.880 --> 0:18:15.240
<v Speaker 1>Ariel in her like a very considerate way, She's like,

0:18:15.280 --> 0:18:16.840
<v Speaker 1>I'm not in the mood, you know, like she was

0:18:16.920 --> 0:18:18.160
<v Speaker 1>vibing it a little bit. But then she's like, I'm

0:18:18.160 --> 0:18:21.160
<v Speaker 1>not in the mood. I snapped, like in an emotional way.

0:18:21.480 --> 0:18:23.320
<v Speaker 1>We got into an argument. Ria left she was like,

0:18:23.359 --> 0:18:25.119
<v Speaker 1>don't touch me. You know. She left the house at

0:18:25.200 --> 0:18:27.720
<v Speaker 1>eleven PM. And I want to hear it anymore. Yeah,

0:18:28.440 --> 0:18:31.400
<v Speaker 1>And it's embarrassing to talk about, to be honest, because

0:18:31.400 --> 0:18:36.119
<v Speaker 1>I'm like, shoot, I gave her space. I didn't text

0:18:36.160 --> 0:18:38.600
<v Speaker 1>her or anything. I was like, oh man, what did

0:18:38.640 --> 0:18:41.760
<v Speaker 1>I just do? Did I just ruin it? We've had

0:18:41.800 --> 0:18:46.160
<v Speaker 1>this argument several times. She slept over in her mom's house,

0:18:46.160 --> 0:18:48.160
<v Speaker 1>but I didn't know that, and then it's embarrassing again.

0:18:48.160 --> 0:18:51.359
<v Speaker 1>It's like your mother in law, what got you home

0:18:51.760 --> 0:18:54.440
<v Speaker 1>from your mother's house from that night? I fight for

0:18:54.520 --> 0:18:59.520
<v Speaker 1>my family. Garrets are really good man, and I love him,

0:18:59.680 --> 0:19:03.199
<v Speaker 1>so I didn't want to leave him right, but I

0:19:03.320 --> 0:19:05.879
<v Speaker 1>was sick of the issues. So I needed him to

0:19:05.920 --> 0:19:07.960
<v Speaker 1>come to an understanding of like, if I say no,

0:19:08.080 --> 0:19:10.760
<v Speaker 1>it doesn't mean anything against you. It doesn't mean I

0:19:10.760 --> 0:19:12.159
<v Speaker 1>don't love it. I mean I don't love you. It

0:19:12.160 --> 0:19:13.720
<v Speaker 1>doesn't mean I don't want to have a connection. Because

0:19:13.760 --> 0:19:15.520
<v Speaker 1>I took it as like you don't find me attractive,

0:19:15.760 --> 0:19:18.000
<v Speaker 1>And that's what happens to most, at least in my

0:19:18.080 --> 0:19:20.600
<v Speaker 1>experience with Meg. You say no, and it's like you

0:19:20.640 --> 0:19:22.920
<v Speaker 1>don't like me, you don't love me, you don't want me,

0:19:22.960 --> 0:19:25.840
<v Speaker 1>and it's like, no, I just don't feel like sleeping

0:19:25.880 --> 0:19:29.359
<v Speaker 1>with you. So one of my questions is just because

0:19:29.359 --> 0:19:31.920
<v Speaker 1>she said no, right, why did I take that personally? Right?

0:19:32.800 --> 0:19:35.639
<v Speaker 1>Did you get to answer that for yourself. In my opinion,

0:19:35.680 --> 0:19:38.360
<v Speaker 1>it was my favorite aha moment. Corn is always there.

0:19:40.359 --> 0:19:45.160
<v Speaker 1>The major difference is instant gratification and defer, yes, did

0:19:45.160 --> 0:19:48.000
<v Speaker 1>you seek any outside help? To be honest, we didn't

0:19:48.000 --> 0:19:51.080
<v Speaker 1>have the money to do therapy spend this type of

0:19:51.080 --> 0:19:55.480
<v Speaker 1>money every week on therapy. Right The way we sought

0:19:55.560 --> 0:20:00.800
<v Speaker 1>help was the online program, and that helped got it

0:20:00.880 --> 0:20:05.199
<v Speaker 1>to start increasing my awareness. Why was I consuming pornography?

0:20:05.240 --> 0:20:08.560
<v Speaker 1>When was I consuming pornography so fast? Forwards? Today two

0:20:08.560 --> 0:20:11.399
<v Speaker 1>thousand nineteen is like three years and I don't have

0:20:11.440 --> 0:20:15.120
<v Speaker 1>a challenge with pornography anymore. Kudos to you, yea honestly man,

0:20:15.520 --> 0:20:17.440
<v Speaker 1>So I was turning thirty years old and I'm sick

0:20:17.480 --> 0:20:19.920
<v Speaker 1>of no one talking about this. And I found out

0:20:19.920 --> 0:20:22.160
<v Speaker 1>that I was good at endurance events because I've done

0:20:22.200 --> 0:20:24.240
<v Speaker 1>a full iron Man and finished, and so I used

0:20:24.240 --> 0:20:26.560
<v Speaker 1>that skill of finishing endurance events and I'm like, I'm

0:20:26.560 --> 0:20:29.120
<v Speaker 1>gonna do thirty marathons in thirty days while wearing handcuffs,

0:20:29.119 --> 0:20:32.040
<v Speaker 1>and the handcuffs represented like the the addictive nature of

0:20:32.040 --> 0:20:37.200
<v Speaker 1>pornography in this healing process. Between the two of you,

0:20:37.520 --> 0:20:42.280
<v Speaker 1>have you seen a difference in the intimacy aspect and

0:20:42.320 --> 0:20:45.080
<v Speaker 1>I'm not just talking about sex, because there's also a

0:20:45.119 --> 0:20:53.159
<v Speaker 1>big difference between sex and intimacy. Zero intimacy, right, you know,

0:20:53.200 --> 0:20:56.400
<v Speaker 1>that's a very good point, and realizing you're not always

0:20:56.560 --> 0:21:00.080
<v Speaker 1>entitled and then sometimes it is just about talking and

0:21:00.200 --> 0:21:02.920
<v Speaker 1>holding or what have you, which I think was another

0:21:02.960 --> 0:21:05.720
<v Speaker 1>thing because I'd be scared to cuddle. I'd be scared

0:21:05.760 --> 0:21:08.840
<v Speaker 1>for him to touch me because I'm before he told

0:21:08.840 --> 0:21:11.320
<v Speaker 1>me about this challenge, because I'm like, I don't want

0:21:11.320 --> 0:21:13.600
<v Speaker 1>to have sex. I don't want to do it tonight.

0:21:13.920 --> 0:21:17.480
<v Speaker 1>Don't you don't touch my hand, don't put right. I

0:21:17.520 --> 0:21:21.399
<v Speaker 1>don't always seem to turn into And we're still working

0:21:21.400 --> 0:21:25.320
<v Speaker 1>on that. Just even just like a week ago. I

0:21:25.320 --> 0:21:27.560
<v Speaker 1>remember I was like, let's cuddle and we were in bed.

0:21:27.600 --> 0:21:29.000
<v Speaker 1>I'd go to bed and she's like, and I'm like,

0:21:29.040 --> 0:21:32.520
<v Speaker 1>no sex, just cuddle. The pressure was taken off, so

0:21:32.600 --> 0:21:36.000
<v Speaker 1>then you could just enjoy being your husband's off. So

0:21:37.240 --> 0:21:39.399
<v Speaker 1>we're still working on it. But would you have any

0:21:39.680 --> 0:21:43.680
<v Speaker 1>advice for the women out there that might be dealing

0:21:43.760 --> 0:21:47.679
<v Speaker 1>with It's so tough because you feel judged. You know,

0:21:47.800 --> 0:21:51.160
<v Speaker 1>you feel like, here's this amazing couple who does great

0:21:51.200 --> 0:21:52.960
<v Speaker 1>things that you don't have any issues. Like you see

0:21:53.000 --> 0:21:56.640
<v Speaker 1>everything on Instagram, you know, I think everything is perfect

0:21:56.680 --> 0:22:00.480
<v Speaker 1>and like, Okay, this is really embarrassing and my husband

0:22:00.480 --> 0:22:02.120
<v Speaker 1>has this issue and now I'm a part of it.

0:22:03.320 --> 0:22:07.359
<v Speaker 1>But just from my experience, my personal experience, I didn't

0:22:07.440 --> 0:22:09.639
<v Speaker 1>judge Garrett for what he had to go through and

0:22:09.720 --> 0:22:11.800
<v Speaker 1>what he was going through, and I feel like I

0:22:11.840 --> 0:22:13.919
<v Speaker 1>have a lot of compassion for him. And we have

0:22:13.960 --> 0:22:17.000
<v Speaker 1>three kids at home and I'm working mom. So my

0:22:17.040 --> 0:22:20.639
<v Speaker 1>biggest advice would be, if you can, depending on this situation,

0:22:20.680 --> 0:22:25.080
<v Speaker 1>if you can be patient, love them as much as

0:22:25.119 --> 0:22:29.080
<v Speaker 1>you can to help them through it, because I think

0:22:29.080 --> 0:22:32.000
<v Speaker 1>the worst thing you can do, again, depending on the situation,

0:22:32.960 --> 0:22:38.560
<v Speaker 1>it scold them because they've already felt guilt. Yeah, thank you, guys,

0:22:39.040 --> 0:22:43.840
<v Speaker 1>Thank you. I've got a real education today. You guys

0:22:43.840 --> 0:22:51.920
<v Speaker 1>are really wonderful. This is good. Can I do like that? Hey,

0:22:51.960 --> 0:22:54.719
<v Speaker 1>you guys, We've got Ariel and Garrett here. It may

0:22:54.800 --> 0:22:57.280
<v Speaker 1>be so kind to come and talk to us about

0:22:57.280 --> 0:23:02.639
<v Speaker 1>the effects of pornography in relationships. Bifout for smiling or

0:23:02.640 --> 0:23:09.440
<v Speaker 1>no Hey r T T family. Join our Red Table

0:23:09.480 --> 0:23:14.399
<v Speaker 1>talk group on Facebook. Become part of the conversation. To

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0:23:16.680 --> 0:23:20.360
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