Speaker 1: So normalizing, being like, I'm not okay, yeah, and that's
Speaker 1: not your problem. But I don't have to pretend I'm
Speaker 1: anything to come up here and do my job exactly.
Speaker 1: And I love it because they're such strength.
Speaker 2: I feel like it allows you to take back your power.
Speaker 3: You know what we do here destroy shame around sex
Speaker 3: by talking about sex.
Speaker 2: Now, let me tell you something messy.
Speaker 3: You know what I would really like to talk about
Speaker 3: in this moment, And it might not be long, and
Speaker 3: you know what, I really have to allow myself to
Speaker 3: let these messy stories. Sometimes it long, sometimes it's short.
Speaker 3: You know, it is what it is. But let's say
Speaker 3: the thing you know I really believe in. I think
Speaker 3: it's like a yng van ZANDT says, call a thing
Speaker 3: a thing. So let me call a thing a thing?
Speaker 3: Which is that how people can't kiss? Fight me?
Speaker 2: If you're hot and you're upset by this.
Speaker 3: Foosball, I'm right into me, baby, tell me something MESSI
Speaker 3: at gmail dot com.
Speaker 2: But let's talk about it. Hot people can't kiss.
Speaker 3: Now, listen, if they're hot, now, if you whatever your
Speaker 3: version of hot is, they might be able to. Actually,
Speaker 3: let's double back. Let's talk about what is conventionally considered hot.
Speaker 3: So whatever the conventional beauty standards that we have set,
Speaker 3: you know, like who I don't want to name, nobody,
Speaker 3: you know, you know, you know who I'm talking about.
Speaker 3: Like when I say a hot person, think about that person.
Speaker 3: They can't kiss, And I mean that from my bones.
Speaker 3: If they've been hot the whole time, they can't do
Speaker 3: it because everyone has handed them everything their entire life,
Speaker 3: and nobody wants to give them the feedback because they
Speaker 3: so pretty. They'd be looking in their eyes and that
Speaker 3: they at they that they're at their body or whatever
Speaker 3: you find hot about them, and so nobody wants to
Speaker 3: give them feedback. And so a lot of hot people
Speaker 3: just can't kiss. And I, being the hofessor that I am,
Speaker 3: you know, the the hoologist of thrust myself into the
Speaker 3: field of my research, my host search and have discovered
Speaker 3: that that is true. They'd be like licking and and
Speaker 3: spit in and not the good kind of spit and
Speaker 3: slobberyant or like have you ever had a bad massage?
Speaker 3: You know this is not a visual medium, so but
Speaker 3: you know, like when you get a massage and they
Speaker 3: just be like it's like their hands are like a
Speaker 3: whisper on your shoulder and you be like, if you
Speaker 3: don't dig your elbow into it's that with the kiss,
Speaker 3: if you don't give me some passion. How people they
Speaker 3: you know, and I feel bad for them. I remember
Speaker 3: this one time.
Speaker 2: I remember I'm gonna tell this story without Okay, let's
Speaker 2: just say this.
Speaker 3: There was this person model, Like if I showed you
Speaker 3: a picture of them, you'd be like, oh, I've seen
Speaker 3: them like model like they they've been in campaign after
Speaker 3: campaign after campaign, a straight, straight point and I'm gonna
Speaker 3: be like, oh my god, he's so he's so hot.
Speaker 3: Friends were like, oh god, you're so hot. And I
Speaker 3: was at a party once and I got to meet them.
Speaker 3: Dull boring.
Speaker 2: My guy was talking to me about how he makes oats.
Speaker 3: My god was talking to me about his overnight oats
Speaker 3: and like some furniture. He was like, just like Dull boring.
Speaker 3: I was like, Oh, you're hot. You never had to
Speaker 3: get you never had to get. You know, trauma really
Speaker 3: breeds a good kisser. That's tea. That's tea. If you've been,
Speaker 3: if you had experiences, you are curious. You gotta learn
Speaker 3: people like you know, when people shut you down. People
Speaker 3: reject you, you try to get better, You're like, well,
Speaker 3: I'm gonna come back, you know you're I think a
Speaker 3: good villain origin story really creates a great kisser, is
Speaker 3: what I want to say. Now. I I feel like
Speaker 3: this is chaotic and messy, but you understand what I'm saying.
Speaker 2: You understand what I'm saying.
Speaker 3: So for the people who who always been hot, like
Speaker 3: if your whole life people are like yourself, fucking pretty
Speaker 3: and you've never gotten feedback, I would like to give
Speaker 3: you feedback. Baby. You probably don't know how to kiss,
Speaker 3: and that's all right. You should just watch a YouTube
Speaker 3: video or two, you know, in fact, ask for feedback.
Speaker 3: Maybe that's what y'all shout out to the hot people listening.
Speaker 3: The people who've been hot there and tire your fucking lives,
Speaker 3: never had to work for nothing. Will y'all please ask
Speaker 3: for feedback because I'm telling you people don't want to
Speaker 3: give you feedback, and it's stunting your life. It is.
Speaker 3: It is minimizing your growth and you have growth to do.
Speaker 3: I don't care how big your pecks are. I don't
Speaker 3: care how tight your waist is, how fat that asks,
Speaker 3: I don't care whatever the quote unquote hot politics are
Speaker 3: now I'm heated. Y'all need help?
Speaker 2: Okay, by the way, welcome to the show.
Speaker 3: This has to me something I see. I am your host,
Speaker 3: Brandon Kyle Goodman. Some people call me messy mom, but
Speaker 3: you could call me overnight oats period. Something came out
Speaker 3: of it, that boring ass interaction. Something had to come
Speaker 3: out of it, which was a nickname. And I you
Speaker 3: know I love a nick name. Well, let's get the
Speaker 3: show started, baby. That sound means we have a foosball.
Speaker 3: If you're new here, so foosball is our safe word.
Speaker 3: So whatever anything maybe unintentionally offends or is a little
Speaker 3: too personal. I always tell my guests that they can
Speaker 3: say the word foosball. But I also tell you that
Speaker 3: if you have a foosball moment while listening, you can
Speaker 3: email me tell me something messy at gmail dot com.
Speaker 3: And somebody did. So let me read this messy patron's
Speaker 3: email and then I will address it and then we
Speaker 3: will continue on. Okay, So this email says I love
Speaker 3: the pod. I listen to each one and love them
Speaker 3: so much. I laugh lots, cry sometimes and learn lots.
Speaker 3: As a two spirit trans mask being, it hits home
Speaker 3: a lot with certain topics brought to the show, so
Speaker 3: I just have a bit of a foosball moment every episode.
Speaker 3: Though at the end, when you close out and give
Speaker 3: the number, you joking only say it's for the hoes
Speaker 3: who can't spell, and that seems a little rude to
Speaker 3: our community members that may be dyslexic, never had proper
Speaker 3: supports at home or school to help with spelling, literacy,
Speaker 3: harms of colonization for BIPOC and other learning cognitive disadvantages.
Speaker 3: I'd ask you to consider changing that phrase. Please to
Speaker 3: be more loving and inclusive to all folks, no matter
Speaker 3: their ability to communicate via texting versus talking. You're erasing
Speaker 3: the fact the black and brown folks use oral histories
Speaker 3: as facts and known truths. Please know better, do better,
Speaker 3: And there's a prayer. EMOCHI all said in so much love.
Speaker 3: It's taken me since episode one to feel safe in
Speaker 3: coming to you to say something thank you, and with
Speaker 3: so much love, respect and gratitude for the work you're doing.
Speaker 3: I felt it important to read the whole message because
Speaker 3: I think that this is how we address conflicts. You know,
Speaker 3: I think sometimes when conflicts come up or moments give
Speaker 3: us a little I had a professor in college who
Speaker 3: called it like an ouch. So when there's like an ouchie,
Speaker 3: there's a way for us to express ourselves without needing
Speaker 3: to be you know, angry or blaming or making assumptions,
Speaker 3: but just kind of saying what we're feeling. And so
Speaker 3: I really really appreciate this person for the intentionality and
Speaker 3: care they took with crafting this email. And I'm so
Speaker 3: glad that you felt safe enough to share this with
Speaker 3: me and I hear you. So I give out the
Speaker 3: number at the end of the show and I say,
Speaker 3: I spell it out for the you host who can't spell, which,
Speaker 3: let me just this is non excuse, just letting you
Speaker 3: know a little bit of context. I'm terrible at spelling.
Speaker 3: I'm constantly having to look up and what constantly I'm
Speaker 3: going to say, matth you, how do I spell this word?
Speaker 3: And so it was more it is a joke and
Speaker 3: poking at myself. Also, like you know, when I say
Speaker 3: sixty nine messy is the number you know when you
Speaker 3: go on your phone the rotary.
Speaker 2: Of the old school. It's a lot.
Speaker 3: Anyways, I apologize because that is not my intention to hurt,
Speaker 3: but obviously that is the impact and that's what matters here.
Speaker 3: And I don't want anyone, especially anyone who might have
Speaker 3: it at learning disability or might have self conscious or
Speaker 3: feel insecure around spelling, reading, writing. I do not want
Speaker 3: you to feel uncomfortable in this space. So let me
Speaker 3: apologize again to anyone who may have felt offended or
Speaker 3: hurt or just you know, even just a little ouch
Speaker 3: whatever if it brought you pause. I just want to apologize,
Speaker 3: and we're gonna take it out. That will not be
Speaker 3: how we end this, So I will correct that. I've
Speaker 3: already talked to my producer and our editor and we're
Speaker 3: great to remove that. And so thank you again. Yeah again,
Speaker 3: y'all things come up where you know, this is a
Speaker 3: messy space. So if something during a story or a
Speaker 3: conversation or anything comes up that you're like at home,
Speaker 3: you're like ooh foosball, go ahead, email me. Let me know,
Speaker 3: and then I can bring it to the show, uh
Speaker 3: and discuss it. So tell me something messy at gmail
Speaker 3: dot com to this patron, thank you again for bringing
Speaker 3: this to my attention and for helping me create a
Speaker 3: safer space for our community.
Speaker 2: Love you so much all right, time.
Speaker 3: For a guest. Maybe is there a door bell? Baby?
Speaker 2: You know what that means. It's time for yues.
Speaker 3: Now. While they get situated, we will get our messy
Speaker 3: key key started with ah manifest doll, repeat after me
Speaker 3: aloud or in your head. Grant me the serenity to
Speaker 3: unpack my shame, the courage to heal, the wisdom to
Speaker 3: know that sex is not just about penetration, the audacity
Speaker 3: to advocate for my pleasure and boundaries, the strength and
Speaker 3: not call my ex that fuck boy, fuck girl, or
Speaker 3: fuck they, for it is better to masturbate by myself
Speaker 3: in peace than to let someone play in my motherfucking face.
Speaker 3: That the community say ho heluja. I am so excited
Speaker 3: to have Danielle Schneider on the show. Writer and performer
Speaker 3: Danielle Schneider co created and starred in the Hot Wives
Speaker 3: series for Hulu, which I loved, and wrote and recurred
Speaker 3: on Showtime's Black Monday. Additional television credits include Hacks, Champagne,
Speaker 3: Ill Community, and Happy Endings. Danielle can currently be heard
Speaker 3: weekly as the co host of the podcast Bitch Sash
Speaker 3: alongside Casey Wilson, where the duo dish and dissect the
Speaker 3: latest happenings in the world of the Real Housewives and beyond.
Speaker 3: I just have to say before this even starts that
Speaker 3: I will be fangirling because Happy Endings is one of
Speaker 3: my favorite shows. Bitch Sashion is also one of my
Speaker 3: favor riches. Y'all please help me. Welcome Danielle.
Speaker 2: Hi, Danielle.
Speaker 1: I'm so excited to be here because I have been
Speaker 1: watching it as a fan for so long and watching
Speaker 1: messy Mondays on my Instagram. Yes, and it's a joy
Speaker 1: and I've learned so much.
Speaker 3: That's what I love.
Speaker 1: As an elder millennial or as some say, gen X,
Speaker 1: you know, we are, you are more versed and and
Speaker 1: I also think there's so much less shame about sex
Speaker 1: from other generations and from you specifically. You. You really
Speaker 1: live in a place of no shame. And it's so beautiful.
Speaker 1: I love it so much. Shame out of it, especially,
Speaker 1: you know, for generations to come.
Speaker 3: Absolutely, I'm hoping, I'm hoping that's what people will feel.
Speaker 1: Love.
Speaker 2: It's a freeze.
Speaker 1: It makes it so and it makes it fun and
Speaker 1: funny and silly, and because it is those things right
Speaker 1: and a mess and you know, all of those things.
Speaker 1: But there's no shame around any of those things. And
Speaker 1: that's what I love about the work you're doing.
Speaker 3: Thank you. I'm so happy you're here. I can't tell
Speaker 3: you how much I am fangirling. I was reading her
Speaker 3: By earlier to say I'm fangirling because I'm such a
Speaker 3: fan of you. I've been on Bitch such a couple
Speaker 3: of times.
Speaker 1: Yes, Oh my god, it's hilarious, and you're a faith.
Speaker 3: I love it. All Right.
Speaker 2: Well, let's get started with some messy mandates.
Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, So the messy mandates are things get to
Speaker 3: be unprocessed. Any thoughts or opinion shared have the right
Speaker 3: to evolve, shift, or change today, tomorrow, ten years from now.
Speaker 3: And if during the key key something feels too personal
Speaker 3: or unintentionally offends, we use the safe word who's ball,
Speaker 3: which gives us a chance to pause and address or
Speaker 3: pivot accordingly.
Speaker 2: Sounds great?
Speaker 1: Sounds great?
Speaker 2: Shall we start with a lube breaker?
Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, we don't have ice breakers? Love it?
Speaker 3: Okay, So we're gonna play a game of fuck Mary block.
Speaker 2: Okay, people here, we just block them?
Speaker 1: Okay, which is I mean, honestly, which is death. It's
Speaker 1: a worse than death if you block someone and I'd
Speaker 1: rather be dead than be black. What is the worst
Speaker 1: in these with with killing someone? There's passion, you know,
Speaker 1: there's a strong feeling like.
Speaker 3: I'm not dealing with it. You're there, you go, you're right, Okay,
Speaker 3: so bloh, Okay, Housewives of Beverly Hills, Okay, Atlanta, Salt
Speaker 3: Lake City, you don't have to start there except for
Speaker 3: me because these are like my favorite.
Speaker 1: Okay, I'm going to fuck Salt Lake City because I
Speaker 1: was yeah, I mean, we didn't think when we first
Speaker 1: started watching. The evolution of Salt Lakes City has been
Speaker 1: like you know, these religious and like some people like
Speaker 1: Merit Marks, who were like, well, this is our way in.
Speaker 1: You know, whenever you start. You're a writer and every
Speaker 1: story we need our way in. And to watch this
Speaker 1: woman become un hinge has been a journey.
Speaker 3: It's been loving Lisa Barlowe going from like my least favorite.
Speaker 1: I just said that on the podcast today. I'm not
Speaker 1: even kidding Mary Cosby being the voice of reason.
Speaker 3: It's incredible.
Speaker 1: She has come a lot.
Speaker 3: She has come.
Speaker 2: She's like she's found her voice, she's found so.
Speaker 1: Them I funk with also because they're a little bit dangerous.
Speaker 1: I don't want to get too close, like I'll fuck you,
Speaker 1: but I'm going to. But I don't trust them. We
Speaker 1: had reality on teas and I'm like, what do we have?
Speaker 1: But this season is giving me I'll marry Atlanta because
Speaker 1: Atlanta with for the long from.
Speaker 3: The from the beginning of reality.
Speaker 1: Exactly like day one. I meant, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: and I these women are my aunts, They're my sisters,
Speaker 1: they're my cousins, they're my mom you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: These women they are part of my life. Yes, and
Speaker 1: so I've been with them so long they feel like family,
Speaker 1: Like you know, We've gone through good times, some bad times.
Speaker 3: We had some really dark times.
Speaker 2: We've had some times some lovely more hair care watching band,
Speaker 2: Like I.
Speaker 1: Don't know what's going to happen this season with Kenya
Speaker 1: because of what you know, Like so, but I have
Speaker 1: a love for her and I'm angry with her, right
Speaker 1: you know, Like I have such strong feelings that I
Speaker 1: have to marry Atlanta. Yes, I'm gonna block. Really it's
Speaker 1: a temporary block because there have been some stumbling hills
Speaker 1: and I don't like the way that I don't Kyle
Speaker 1: is sort of like not. I don't know what's going
Speaker 1: on with Kyle, and I don't appreciate that because you're
Speaker 1: gonna live and again, I have no business with her life. Okay,
Speaker 1: but you're on a reality show, so give us your reality.
Speaker 1: And I don't like and say with Dree like I
Speaker 1: don't like when you're trying to produce what you know.
Speaker 1: Just show me what it is.
Speaker 3: I think the exact same good okay, Mary, Block massages, kissing, cuddling,
Speaker 3: marry a massage.
Speaker 1: I need a massage everything, Like I'll be touched by anyone, Lily,
Speaker 1: any old can come and rub my shoulders. I got
Speaker 1: no album with it.
Speaker 3: Same like Matthew, Please.
Speaker 2: Matthews, I like you a little tap on the shoulder.
Speaker 1: And I will what are they again, kissing and cuddling, kissing?
Speaker 1: I will fuck Okay, yes, because I like kissing. Not
Speaker 1: all the time, you know what I mean. It's sexy,
Speaker 1: it's kind of fun, it's thrilling. You know, I'm in
Speaker 1: a marriage, and you know, sometimes you almost like forget
Speaker 1: to see each other and kiss each other, and then
Speaker 1: when you do, you're like, oh my god, I miss kidding,
Speaker 1: do not cuddle me. Block it, kill it, wrap it up.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, that's new merch. Do not cuddle me, wow,
Speaker 3: speak up for the people who do not like cuddles,
Speaker 3: tell me about it.
Speaker 1: Like it.
Speaker 3: I mean, it's hot, it's too much, it's hot.
Speaker 1: It's like a lot of body I just I want
Speaker 1: my own space and believe me, of the two of us,
Speaker 1: I think my husband is definitely the cuddler. Yeah, but
Speaker 1: I could. I could never touch a person.
Speaker 3: Just color, touch my shoulders. I'm kind of that.
Speaker 1: Exactly, do a job. I don't want to have to
Speaker 1: give back the mutual A coddler, I'm not. I like
Speaker 1: a hot like I like hugging. Yes, but then we
Speaker 1: let go, we don't. I'm not a cuddler. I find it,
Speaker 1: I find hot. I find a claustrophobic.
Speaker 3: Yes, I feel like there are people listening like, ah, yes,
Speaker 3: I agree. I feel like you're liberating.
Speaker 1: But it was it's just too much. We've done what
Speaker 1: we needed to do, which is either hug Why do
Speaker 1: we have to stay like that? You know, like, why
Speaker 1: does it need to be consistent?
Speaker 3: That is incredible. We're back on the same page. By
Speaker 3: the way, I do think I think it's the same.
Speaker 3: I think I would marry a massage, because that's everything.
Speaker 3: It's the way, that's how to speak to me. It's
Speaker 3: how to love me is to offer me a massage.
Speaker 3: And I want to marry that.
Speaker 2: I want that.
Speaker 1: I want to always all times.
Speaker 2: In fact, like if you start with a massage, you'll
Speaker 2: get anything else.
Speaker 1: You want anything you.
Speaker 3: I'll even give you a two minute.
Speaker 1: Will And again I don't have to know you.
Speaker 3: I don't have to know you. Yeah, it can be
Speaker 3: a stranger, strangers listening. I will kissing because I do love.
Speaker 3: I love a kiss. It has to be a good kissing.
Speaker 3: But like I love some good kissing. And I'll block
Speaker 3: the cuddling. I never my My Matthew and your Matthew
Speaker 3: are far more cuddlers. Matthew loves to cuddle, and I'm
Speaker 3: always like it's hot please like I just I just
Speaker 3: want my individuality. I love. Yes, yeah, so I do
Speaker 3: like a little cuddle and I'm down for a little cuddle.
Speaker 2: But it's not my it's not my priority. That's my
Speaker 2: number one. Anyways, you won the game I want, I want,
Speaker 2: I used to be here.
Speaker 1: Everything.
Speaker 3: Yes, you win my unconditional love because it's season one
Speaker 3: so we don't have money. You know, and we won't
Speaker 3: have it for season two either. By the way, if
Speaker 3: y'all have any prompts for our games, you can email
Speaker 3: tell me something Messy at gmail dot com. Speaking of which, Danielle,
Speaker 3: can you tell me something messy?
Speaker 1: Oh, there's so many messy things to talk about. What what?
Speaker 3: What?
Speaker 1: Genre?
Speaker 3: Like genre as present, somebody else's it could be whatever
Speaker 3: it could be, could be anything that you think that's messy.
Speaker 1: I have something beautiful.
Speaker 3: Great.
Speaker 1: This is a person I know, uh huh who I
Speaker 1: was friends with years and years and years ago, and
Speaker 1: they were in a marriage and the happy marriage they married.
Speaker 1: You you know, they were sort of at that point
Speaker 1: in their life where in their twenties they got married
Speaker 1: a successful person and they had what looked like the
Speaker 1: picture perfect life. And I was struggling, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean.
Speaker 2: I didn't have.
Speaker 1: Two pennies put together. It was a mass like living
Speaker 1: with like living in a living room in New York City, waitress,
Speaker 1: like just my life not where wanted to but you know,
Speaker 1: the struggles. Yeah, but this person just had their life together,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, and like love them, but
Speaker 1: I also had that feeling of like remember trying to
Speaker 1: go to their wedding and being like, I cannot afford
Speaker 1: anything this wedding, Like I went, I remember going to
Speaker 1: the cellar, you know at Macy's, like in the basement
Speaker 1: in New York City. They have like that first, like
Speaker 1: the cellar and like being able to afford like a ladle,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Like just be like I
Speaker 1: cannot get anything on this registry. Nothing. And they got mayor.
Speaker 1: They had this great marriage. They had all these kids,
Speaker 1: and I lost touch with them with this person, and
Speaker 1: then I remember we spoke a few years later and
Speaker 1: they had had another kid. Turns out the kid was
Speaker 1: from an affair that they had, but they hadn't told
Speaker 1: the husband. Oh lord, so the the husband's name was
Speaker 1: on the birth certificate on the kid, but the kid
Speaker 1: obviously looked like the person.
Speaker 3: Oh my god.
Speaker 1: Oh I don't think at first, but she was like,
Speaker 1: I am like this is and I'm also probably in
Speaker 1: love with this other person. So but the names are
Speaker 1: once it's legal, like once it's on the burst, and
Speaker 1: that person is probably like, that's my I mean, this
Speaker 1: kid looked like the other. So eventually think she had
Speaker 1: to kind of like tell yeah, the husband slash not
Speaker 1: birth father of this other child.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's messy.
Speaker 3: Never reminds me of There was like an Instagram or
Speaker 3: a TikTok that I saw where this girl was like
Speaker 3: going through her like breakups and what not with the
Speaker 3: with her guy and so she's white, her her her
Speaker 3: man is white and then they broke up and then
Speaker 3: through it you find out that she has a kid.
Speaker 3: Layer back together and there's a kid and the kid
Speaker 3: comes out and they're so happy and they reveal the
Speaker 3: kid's black. You're like, that's not.
Speaker 1: And did.
Speaker 3: That It felt like the way the video ended like
Speaker 3: they didn't like they were just like, this is our
Speaker 3: this is our baby. I'm so excited for my son.
Speaker 3: Like yeah, that's not your what's tough.
Speaker 1: That's that's messy. But you know, I do think that
Speaker 1: in this situation, I think everybody's okay now, but well
Speaker 1: that's good.
Speaker 2: But I couldn't deal with the.
Speaker 3: I'm really bad at lying, Like it's my husband, like
Speaker 3: it is always like you'll lie to me.
Speaker 2: I can't. I just can't hold it either.
Speaker 1: I can't. I can't make eye contact. Even when I
Speaker 1: used to play hide and seek, if someone was like
Speaker 1: be like I'm here.
Speaker 3: I can't lie to you. I can't lie to you.
Speaker 3: And so like the idea of like holding onto that
Speaker 3: and then like having.
Speaker 1: I couldn't evidence, right, I have to say it.
Speaker 3: I have to say.
Speaker 1: That's something pretty messy.
Speaker 3: That's very messy. Thank you so much. Okay, shall we
Speaker 3: do some messy mail?
Speaker 1: Sure?
Speaker 3: Please? Gorgeous? All right? As always, these remain anonymous. So
Speaker 3: this first one says, my girlfriend's recent ex is watching
Speaker 3: all my stories? Should I let her hurt her feelings?
Speaker 3: Or block hert we were talking about blocking? What do
Speaker 3: you think?
Speaker 1: So say that again?
Speaker 3: Yes, so my girlfriend's recent x is watching all my stories?
Speaker 3: So should I let her hurt her feelings or blockers?
Speaker 1: So it's like, yeah, you're like trying to I say,
Speaker 1: let her, let her do her if this is what
Speaker 1: she needs, like because then you're blocking her and it
Speaker 1: seems sort of like you need to not care.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: And also I don't even watch who's watching my story.
Speaker 3: I don't either. Do people do that because half.
Speaker 1: The time they're not watching their stories. Like a lot
Speaker 1: of times toople think I'm watching their stories. I just
Speaker 1: let it run like I don't even know it's on.
Speaker 3: That is always to you, like I'm always just like
Speaker 3: I'm like, I might watch one person story and then
Speaker 3: just like.
Speaker 1: Like, so, I'm like, you don't you don't know what
Speaker 1: she's doing. If you're blocking her, it's like, oh, you're
Speaker 1: paying attention. Why are you looking at who's looking at
Speaker 1: your story? That's in your position, and just you know,
Speaker 1: let her do her. Don't look a. Also, don't look
Speaker 1: at who's looking at your stories. It's not your business who's.
Speaker 3: Looking at you.
Speaker 1: You put your stuff out there for the world, even.
Speaker 3: O who's looking, I don't care who's that's tea. Actually
Speaker 3: that's really good advice, that because because sometimes I feel
Speaker 3: like we get so wrapped up in who's watching and
Speaker 3: the perception and then it kind of stunts the magic. Yeah, yeah, okay,
Speaker 3: I'm with you, all right. The next one says I
Speaker 3: was talking to my brother and his girlfriend in his room.
Speaker 3: I happened to glance down and saw her panties on
Speaker 3: the floor. Then I realized the room smelled of sex. Yes, yes, yes, yes,
Speaker 3: what does sex smell like? I remember as a kid
Speaker 3: growing up, like hearing, you know, watching on TV, and
Speaker 3: it smells like sex. And then I remember one time
Speaker 3: and I don't know if I've made it up like
Speaker 3: as maybe a teenager or like a young twenty year
Speaker 3: old walking into a room and feeling like.
Speaker 2: I smelled sex. But now I'm like, what does that
Speaker 2: actually smell like?
Speaker 1: You know what?
Speaker 3: I think it's tell tell me what a sex mall?
Speaker 1: Maybe I'm outing with my sex. I've walked another rooms. Yeah,
Speaker 1: there's a heaviness to there's a there's a potency. Yeah,
Speaker 1: like there's a steam in the Yeah, that's what you
Speaker 1: know of the room. Yeah, it's changed in the closest
Speaker 1: smell I could say, because I smell right now not
Speaker 1: that I've had sex, and I did have a spray
Speaker 1: tand and it doesn't smell that different, which is like
Speaker 1: boon like a musky like musky but sort of body,
Speaker 1: but also like a hint of sauce, some chicken or some.
Speaker 3: Sauce.
Speaker 2: Is so clear not you're not say it smells like, oh.
Speaker 3: My god, what does it smell like? It's like because
Speaker 3: it's not. It's not a bad smell because right like
Speaker 3: it's like musk versus must it's like a I want
Speaker 3: to say, like I keep saying, like cheese and like
Speaker 3: birdy amber.
Speaker 1: Musky, like they're not a light sex.
Speaker 3: It's not light.
Speaker 1: It's like a deep ritual list like a Yeah, it's
Speaker 1: like a pot of something.
Speaker 3: It's similar to like, well not as well if you burn,
Speaker 3: say it doesn't like that, but you know how that
Speaker 3: smell you're like, oh you've been burning?
Speaker 1: Yeah, like it feels a room. Yes, yes, And it's
Speaker 1: not bad, it's not good.
Speaker 2: It just it just is it?
Speaker 1: Right? Yeah?
Speaker 3: Yeah? Yeah, okay, right, but I do I always wonder
Speaker 3: like when you walk in on somebody having sex and
Speaker 3: there and they're trying to hide it. Yeah, I feel
Speaker 3: like we should just be able to get to a
Speaker 3: place where we say, hey, we just has eggs for
Speaker 3: a moment, it out.
Speaker 1: Loud, it's beautiful. But I can't imagine my mouth saying
Speaker 1: you know, like just say that in the eye.
Speaker 2: You have to look in the eye, like, hey, maybe
Speaker 2: hold their hand too.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I don't think I could look someone in the eye.
Speaker 1: There's still some shame around it, which I hate that
Speaker 1: just like it's like because you're seeing it, you're seeing sex.
Speaker 2: Is a vunery.
Speaker 3: It is, it is.
Speaker 2: It is.
Speaker 1: So it's like exposing the soft underbellyer, that's fair.
Speaker 3: That's fair. Okay, this one says, oh, a date on
Speaker 3: Saturday with a guy who ghosted me in June. I
Speaker 3: know it's dumb, but his dick is worth it. It's
Speaker 3: the dick.
Speaker 2: Ever worth being a clown. And I mean that respectfully.
Speaker 3: I mean, you know, because I feel like when we
Speaker 3: go back to the people that we know are bad
Speaker 3: for us, there is there's a clown erry in that.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I mean I've done it.
Speaker 3: That's why it's Yeah, I've been to this.
Speaker 1: I would say, how old are you? That's fair because
Speaker 1: in your twenties, like, you're just gonna get clowned and
Speaker 1: clown you know what I mean, Like you're gonna make
Speaker 1: bad decisions and sometimes the d is enough twenty you
Speaker 1: know what.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's fair.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's like, look, I.
Speaker 3: Know you're not my forever person, and.
Speaker 1: I am being disrespected. I make it knowledging with disrespect.
Speaker 3: If you acknowledge if you are, if you can be
Speaker 3: like I am being disrespected, I think it's fine.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Like, and again, if you are forty five, yes,
Speaker 1: and you are looking for something more than just sex,
Speaker 1: do not correct. Yes, But even if you're you know,
Speaker 1: twenty five and you're looking for more than just sex,
Speaker 1: don't do it. Don't do it, because he has ghosted you.
Speaker 1: He would have to come back with a lot you do. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he'd and I don't know that just since June.
Speaker 3: Yeah, Jude, we're recording this in October.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's so a lot of growth hasn't happened. If
Speaker 2: it was like three or four years.
Speaker 1: From then, it's like, look, I've been to therapy.
Speaker 3: Yes, And he would have to hold himself accountable yes,
Speaker 3: and say I gooested jew and I'm sorry for that.
Speaker 3: That was wrong.
Speaker 1: Then you're like, okay, there's growth here in this person.
Speaker 1: It was something there. I wasn't lying to myself, And okay,
Speaker 1: let's give this another a little go. I think people
Speaker 1: make mistakes, for sure, we'll change, people grow short. But again,
Speaker 1: there's so many variables that I don't know how to
Speaker 1: answer the question. So I think we tried to answer
Speaker 1: it at different You.
Speaker 3: Have options options. Okay, this says got on top, Sorry,
Speaker 3: got on top. He grabbed and spread my butt cheeks
Speaker 3: and a little sport of diarrhea shout out. Well, first
Speaker 3: of all, thought some persons, I do you like asking
Speaker 3: this question, because like we know what it is you like,
Speaker 3: there's no like you know, honestly two things. I do
Speaker 3: think it could make you closer because Danielle's like, I
Speaker 3: just feel like I have a lot of questions. One beginning,
Speaker 3: I do feel like, you know, when something is not
Speaker 3: well here, especially with diarrhea.
Speaker 1: It's That's what I'm saying, say real like something was,
Speaker 1: something was.
Speaker 3: Off quite honest, whatever it was, and so I would
Speaker 3: be hesitant to get on top of anything to or get.
Speaker 1: Me like I would you need to put me in
Speaker 1: a red red tent like they used to do to
Speaker 1: women when they had their periods of the olden days.
Speaker 3: I'll take care of myself.
Speaker 2: I'll go be.
Speaker 3: I do think that like once it comes out, though,
Speaker 3: the one thing that I always say is that the
Speaker 3: water in the toilet bowl is doing God's work. And
Speaker 3: so when ship is out of the bowl, yeah you
Speaker 3: smell that.
Speaker 1: That smells right.
Speaker 3: Quick immediately that's the smell that we don't have to
Speaker 3: actually sit here and try and discern what it is. No,
Speaker 3: we know what it is, and so I guess I
Speaker 3: uh again, thoughts, I don't really have anything. I don't know.
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry for You're a loss, and I I
Speaker 1: hope he or she forgets your face that you never
Speaker 1: see them again. That's what I hope.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, because like, who are you preferring to
Speaker 3: look in the eyes the person and saying I just
Speaker 3: had sex or after the diarrhea? Whose eyes am I
Speaker 3: looking into me?
Speaker 1: Honestly, I think yeah, the diary assets. Just like I
Speaker 1: would get up.
Speaker 3: First and foremost, the first move is to get it.
Speaker 1: I would be like and I would. I would run.
Speaker 1: I would run. I would pray that the ground swallowed me,
Speaker 1: and when that doesn't happen, I would run. I would
Speaker 1: grab my clothes, not even put them.
Speaker 3: Put them on. Even if it's my house, No.
Speaker 1: Run out of my house. I would light a match,
Speaker 1: set it on fire. Never see my house or this
Speaker 1: person again. That would be it, that would be there.
Speaker 3: The house has to go.
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 3: I can't honestly solid advice.
Speaker 1: You're done.
Speaker 3: And this one says, my partner and I want to
Speaker 3: have kids, but we barely have enough time for ourselves
Speaker 3: and our sex as it is. What are the tricks
Speaker 3: to keeping the spark alive in a long term relationship
Speaker 3: with kids? Shall we talk about this. I don't have kids.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna want term relationship for nine years.
Speaker 1: How about you We've been together for like almost twenty Okay.
Speaker 2: Let's start here. What is the secret in twenty.
Speaker 1: Years growing together and again, like you know, I think
Speaker 1: in like acknowledging that you're not the same people that
Speaker 1: you were, yeah, but still finding stuff you like about
Speaker 1: each other. H you know, having a good time together
Speaker 1: and having laughs, like laughter, you know you're a comedian.
Speaker 1: Like laughter is such a hugeage. It's everything. And if
Speaker 1: you still make each other laugh or like get a
Speaker 1: kick out of each other, yes, that's what keeps going
Speaker 1: and still being attracted. Like there's gonna be days and
Speaker 1: weeks where you're like.
Speaker 2: Years yeah, you're like I right, don'tule.
Speaker 1: But then you just look at them and you're like
Speaker 1: I really like that, Like they're hot.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: So like that is the secret to like and it
Speaker 1: doesn't have to be every day, but like you still
Speaker 1: catch that.
Speaker 2: The glimmer, the glimmer.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but also knowing that like you, you you change
Speaker 1: and grow. You're not especially I don't know. I think
Speaker 1: I was very young when I got in my relationship,
Speaker 1: and obviously you were too, and so you really do grow.
Speaker 1: Like I was twenty two when I started dating my
Speaker 1: oh wow, so like twenty three. Yeah, so it's been
Speaker 1: a while. I mean I was young, just out of college.
Speaker 3: Oh my goodness.
Speaker 1: And he's a little bit he's eight years older than me,
Speaker 1: so like, but I've changed so much of course. Man,
Speaker 1: my god, I'm a whole other human.
Speaker 3: I feel like there's a quote something that's like, you know,
Speaker 3: love is being present for every new version of the
Speaker 3: other person, and it's true.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but in some days it is a battle, and
Speaker 1: some days it is like, oh my god, like and
Speaker 1: also accepting like, but some things will never change, yes,
Speaker 1: you know, and realizing like you're not going to change
Speaker 1: this per since so like accepting things about each other,
Speaker 1: good and bad.
Speaker 2: Like this is who this person is, not trying to change.
Speaker 1: Them, no, and not being mad at them for being them. Yeah,
Speaker 1: Like you just have to kind of like you have
Speaker 1: to move around who they are and accept that this
Speaker 1: is who they are.
Speaker 3: Now.
Speaker 1: What happens a lot of times in marriage is it's
Speaker 1: like I can no longer accept who you are.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and then and if that's then that's.
Speaker 1: Okay, I have no problem.
Speaker 3: You know.
Speaker 1: Sometimes people grow and change and not in the same
Speaker 1: direction and it or they don't grow and change and
Speaker 1: then it's time for a new thing.
Speaker 3: Controversial, but that's why I'm pro divorce and pro breakup
Speaker 3: because if I would say this to my husband, and
Speaker 3: I think it's why we're able to be together this long.
Speaker 3: It's like, I'm not interested in suffering from my relationship.
Speaker 3: And so like if we are not happy and we've
Speaker 3: done everything right, like we do everything and did that,
Speaker 3: but like if ultimately, after giving it everything we've got,
Speaker 3: we're not happy and we're realized we're just two different people,
Speaker 3: that to me is it's okay to like move on.
Speaker 1: I am completely, No, I am in agreement completely. Also,
Speaker 1: on the other end of that, would not throw away
Speaker 1: everything we have for a bit of unhappiness at a
Speaker 1: moment or somebody very attractive that you know, like you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. So it's both of those, both
Speaker 1: of those things.
Speaker 3: Yeah, like that I understand that we are full humans
Speaker 3: and so there would really have to be a wall
Speaker 3: that like we're just like not meeting each other at
Speaker 3: that would change things. But otherwise it's like, oh, I'm
Speaker 3: here to work through this, like.
Speaker 1: Exactly, but if it's not it, it's not it, And
Speaker 1: I'd rather people. Life is short, period, and you does.
Speaker 1: Everyone deserves to.
Speaker 2: Be happy happy, and you don't have to be with
Speaker 2: another person to be happy.
Speaker 1: You can. That's what I'm saying. Like, I'm like, if
Speaker 1: God forbids something ever happened with Matt and I, I
Speaker 1: never need to marry again.
Speaker 3: That listen. I told matth you never have to worry
Speaker 3: my math, you never have to worry. Like, I'm not
Speaker 3: trying to do this, is it like I gave, I
Speaker 3: gave this. I'm all if we end, I'm living by
Speaker 3: myself forever.
Speaker 1: Too, like I'll have sat I.
Speaker 3: Do worry, but I am not doing this. Students, No, no, no,
Speaker 3: this is and this is so beautiful, but it's like, oh,
Speaker 3: it's so much worse.
Speaker 1: Oh it's a ton of Oh my god, and it's
Speaker 1: worth it. But it is. But it is work and
Speaker 1: sometimes it's not sometimes, but the joys are so great
Speaker 1: and history is so great and what we have is
Speaker 1: so great. And even like those times when you see
Speaker 1: you remember who each other were, when you.
Speaker 3: Like when you think about those love like how you
Speaker 3: met and you have those moments you're like, oh wow,
Speaker 3: we were so so sweet.
Speaker 1: Yes, and you can even I can see that person
Speaker 1: in fact, to their question, which I've gotten away from. No, no, no,
Speaker 1: about having kids, it's hard, especially in those first years. Yeah,
Speaker 1: Like my daughter's eleven now, so it's different.
Speaker 2: Sure, but in those first years.
Speaker 1: First years are hard. And I remember saying to my girlfriend,
Speaker 1: one of my girlfriends, like who had had some kids
Speaker 1: and I just had my daughter, And I was like,
Speaker 1: when do't I ever like feel sexual again or feel
Speaker 1: like my body is mott Like I felt so weird.
Speaker 3: I've heard mothers talk about like your body is no
Speaker 3: longer yourss.
Speaker 1: It didn't feel like mine. Yeah, And I was so
Speaker 1: separated from my body, which was so strange. And I
Speaker 1: was like when will I And she's like, take like
Speaker 1: it's going to be a minute.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: And so it's that first year especially is hard, you know,
Speaker 1: because it mentally, physically, emotionally, everything changes. And it doesn't
Speaker 1: mean you won't get back to sex, and it doesn't
Speaker 1: mean you won't have sex, but it's it's a trip.
Speaker 2: I think what you're highlighting, which I think is always
Speaker 2: so helpful sometimes. I remember I had a trauma teacher.
Speaker 3: Who was like, sometimes you just need permission, like you
Speaker 3: already know what it is, but sometimes you need to
Speaker 3: hear it out loud somebody to say. And so this
Speaker 3: permission of like it's okay that it doesn't feel the same,
Speaker 3: I think is important to like to just have somewhere
Speaker 3: in your system for anyone who's a new parent or
Speaker 3: navigating this where it's like, it's okay that it won't
Speaker 3: feel the same, and like to know that so that
Speaker 3: you can maybe give yourself some grace as you navigate
Speaker 3: the transition of what it means to be us in
Speaker 3: this couple, but now us in this new version of
Speaker 3: our family as well. Imagine requires a lot of patients.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's from both people too, because the other person
Speaker 1: who hasn't you know, and I don't know how you're
Speaker 1: having children. You know, sure there's many ways we can
Speaker 1: have them now, but if the child has come from
Speaker 1: one of your body, yes, it's traumatic. Yeah, and so
Speaker 1: everyone has to be patient for that. I would also say,
Speaker 1: if you're having sort of sexual stuff right now, and
Speaker 1: I'm not saying it's a problem, we all it ebbs
Speaker 1: and flows, So you might just want to talk about
Speaker 1: where your sex life is now with you guys or
Speaker 1: with a professional.
Speaker 2: Sure, just to make.
Speaker 1: Sure that like Okay, we're gonna have kids. We're already
Speaker 1: kind of like dealing with this other. If you guys
Speaker 1: are okay with where you are sexually, even if it's
Speaker 1: not super active, that's time. But if you're unhappy with
Speaker 1: where you are sexually, I would also talk to someone
Speaker 1: about that before you have kids, just so that it's
Speaker 1: not like more of the sick, you know, and you're
Speaker 1: blaming the kid for that.
Speaker 3: When when oh, that's so important already it was already there,
Speaker 3: something is already there. That's so true because sometimes which
Speaker 3: I think also happens sometimes is like kids become can
Speaker 3: become a solved yes or not that they are actually
Speaker 3: able to, but that we think that they can solve, sure,
Speaker 3: or we think that they can fix.
Speaker 1: They're the thing that's going to make us closer.
Speaker 3: And and yes, it's like no, maybe if anything, it's
Speaker 3: going to actually put.
Speaker 1: Some on This does not make anything easier better. I mean,
Speaker 1: your kid is wonderful and you love them, and it
Speaker 1: is one of the greatest loves I've ever known in mine,
Speaker 1: but it is not necessarily the thing that will make
Speaker 1: you and your.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it will make you hate them, right because being
Speaker 3: being mother or father or parent and being husband wife's
Speaker 3: spouse are not the same thing, right, So, like there's
Speaker 3: one thing about us being parents together, but then like
Speaker 3: us being our couple version of ourselves is a different.
Speaker 1: Different beasts, a different beast. So I would just get
Speaker 1: right with each other. Yeah, and again, it doesn't mean
Speaker 1: you have to be having more sex. I'm not saying
Speaker 1: that there's anything wrong with your relationship if you're not
Speaker 1: having a ton of sex. Like whatever feels right for you, guys,
Speaker 1: but figure that out before you have a kid, so
Speaker 1: that one is not about the other. That's going to
Speaker 1: be its own.
Speaker 3: Shit, how did you get back to yourself? Like what
Speaker 3: was your process in like getting back into your body
Speaker 3: as mom?
Speaker 1: It was hard, I'm not gonna lie, like I felt
Speaker 1: so other, Like my body felt so different, and I
Speaker 1: was breastfeeding too, and I'd had a C section, which
Speaker 1: was very hard on me. So just it was time.
Speaker 1: And also like doing things I used to do, like
Speaker 1: what like like going out with girlfriends or something like that,
Speaker 1: like being still me, identifying with myself as who I
Speaker 1: was before I had a kid. I think that like
Speaker 1: just doing those things, like almost going through the motions
Speaker 1: of being myself because I felt so other and I
Speaker 1: didn't understand who I was. And I was also working
Speaker 1: during that time, because you know, they don't really give
Speaker 1: new moms.
Speaker 2: It's crazy.
Speaker 3: It's crazy.
Speaker 1: I was working four days after I gave birth. What
Speaker 1: I mean, I didn't have to go in sure, but
Speaker 1: like you were back in, I was back in working.
Speaker 1: So all of that was like traumatic in the sense
Speaker 1: that I.
Speaker 3: Was like, and that's a new version becoming a mom
Speaker 3: or a dad or a parent. It's a new version
Speaker 3: of yourself that's also emerging. So you're trying to get
Speaker 3: used to the new version of yourself. And that is
Speaker 3: such a mind fuck because you're like, I want to
Speaker 3: operate at the excellence of a ten, but I'm also
Speaker 3: new to this with a child.
Speaker 2: There's also the stakes of like I don't want to.
Speaker 3: Fuck up.
Speaker 1: It is. It's like I don't know what I'm doing. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you can read all the books, but.
Speaker 3: It's but it's still it's new.
Speaker 1: And but when you look at me, you still see me.
Speaker 1: But I'm a I'm two point zero, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean, Like I there's been an upgrade and I'm
Speaker 1: still adjusting to the upgrade. And so for me, it
Speaker 1: was so much time and just kind of like until
Speaker 1: I felt totally.
Speaker 3: Yeah, like was it two years, three years, seven years?
Speaker 1: I would say about a year. A year Okay, doesn't
Speaker 1: mean I wasn't like, but I would say a year,
Speaker 1: about a year till I was like, oh, I'm I'm back,
Speaker 1: this is my upgrade. But I'm I'm I'm I know
Speaker 1: who I am now, not a year for me.
Speaker 3: What was the support that that your your partner gave
Speaker 3: or even because you know, I think we can all
Speaker 3: learn to do things better, Like what were the things
Speaker 3: that you wish you were able to articulate to your
Speaker 3: partner at the time, Like if you were to do
Speaker 3: it again, you'd be like, oh, these are the things
Speaker 3: that I would need that might have supported I don't
Speaker 3: want to say going through it faster, but just maybe
Speaker 3: feeling a little less in the wind.
Speaker 1: At all, because there is a part of it that
Speaker 1: even though I had a partner who was there and
Speaker 1: helpful and you know, is a very involved parent, husband
Speaker 1: is God. You know, we are very involved and he
Speaker 1: is there. He's there there. But you know, when you're
Speaker 1: a mom and you gave birth and are breastfeeding, I
Speaker 1: think it can feel very lonely. I wish I had
Speaker 1: just been able to articulate that more, to talk about
Speaker 1: my feelings more. I've always been a little bit of
Speaker 1: a bake it to you make it type of person.
Speaker 2: That's just my m which is also like very like
Speaker 2: very like theater actors and.
Speaker 1: Capricorny those things. So I don't think I articulated how
Speaker 1: alone and how much I needed emotional support more because
Speaker 1: I've always been like, no, you got it, I got it,
Speaker 1: I got it, I got it, you got this, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean? And I just I wish I
Speaker 1: had said because he doesn't know of course.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: And I don't like to be vulnerable or weak very much,
Speaker 1: not weak.
Speaker 3: But no, but like it feels, yeah, it feels to
Speaker 3: ask for help.
Speaker 1: Yes, And I didn't even know what I needed help, ye,
Speaker 1: So it's like that feels like I don't even know
Speaker 1: what I want. I just want something like So I
Speaker 1: think it was just I felt alone in it.
Speaker 3: There is an operating system that precedes them, that doesn't
Speaker 3: allow you to to ask for help or feel like
Speaker 3: you can, and it's not it's it also is like
Speaker 3: nothing that they're doing because honestly, if you ask, they
Speaker 3: probably will.
Speaker 1: And it has nothing to and they you know, it's
Speaker 1: nothing to do with them, and it's.
Speaker 3: Everything to do with you, but not knowing how to
Speaker 3: because which is also interesting is like you've become a mother,
Speaker 3: but there's also like your.
Speaker 2: Child, your your Danielle the child.
Speaker 3: Danielle is also now activated because she's doing something new
Speaker 3: and needs help, but also is now writing this line
Speaker 3: of I'm in charge, but I'm also kind of I'm
Speaker 3: a baby as a mother, and.
Speaker 1: I wanted so much during that time. I wanted and
Speaker 1: I say the same quotations my mom and I am
Speaker 1: not very close with my mother. She is nor yeah,
Speaker 1: and so we have an interesting relationship. I mean were
Speaker 1: I still talked to her and that stuff, but she
Speaker 1: is not a vulnerable help maternal the way that some
Speaker 1: of my friends moms like came in and swooped in.
Speaker 1: I was so jealous of that because I wanted that
Speaker 1: so bad. I wanted to be mothered. Yeah, and I
Speaker 1: didn't get it. I didn't have that person. So I
Speaker 1: like when you're saying, I was still I Danielle the
Speaker 1: child needed mothering, and that was very hard.
Speaker 3: Even just saying I don't know what I need. By
Speaker 3: I know I need something to your partner.
Speaker 1: There's a bit big like fake. It can also like
Speaker 1: I'm fine, I'm fine, and never let them see you
Speaker 1: sweat and we're all doing okay, and people smell when
Speaker 1: it's not okay and everybody backs away like you farted,
Speaker 1: and so normalizing being like I'm not okay, yeah, and
Speaker 1: that's not your problem. But I don't have to pretend
Speaker 1: I'm anything to come up here and do my job exactly.
Speaker 1: And I love it.
Speaker 3: Because there's such strength there's I feel like it allows
Speaker 3: you to take back your power.
Speaker 1: I do think there's so much strength in showing up
Speaker 1: as your true self and not sugarcoating and not making
Speaker 1: it like just saying like I'm I'm actually it's a
Speaker 1: tough day, but I'm here and thank you all for
Speaker 1: being here and let's go so everyone, Like, I feel
Speaker 1: like that sort of energy wakes everybody up, yes present, to.
Speaker 3: Be present and to like also acknowledge how they're feeling.
Speaker 3: And then it's like we which I think goes back
Speaker 3: to this, you know, as parents with kids, it's like
Speaker 3: if we can be honest about how we're actually feeling,
Speaker 3: then the other people around can like step in yeah,
Speaker 3: there's space too. They might not not in terms of
Speaker 3: like hopefully in your relationship, yeah, but in work they
Speaker 3: might not. But at least that there's you're creating space
Speaker 3: for people to show up yeah, or to a just
Speaker 3: expectation a little bit to say like I'm not I
Speaker 3: don't have the full compares.
Speaker 1: We're also making a space where someone can say by
Speaker 1: you saying yeah, they can also show up as their
Speaker 1: true self yes, and not everyone has to be like
Speaker 1: we're great, We're great, We're great? Great? Are we great?
Speaker 1: Like there's so much strength in that. I wish, I
Speaker 1: hope we can do that more.
Speaker 3: I love that, and I love that for especially parenting
Speaker 3: and being in a relationship with each other, so not
Speaker 3: just not just co parenting, but also like we are
Speaker 3: together in a relationship, being able to say how we're
Speaker 3: actually feeling, even if we can't quite articulate it perfectly.
Speaker 1: I think kids sometimes, like our daughter doesn't like it
Speaker 1: when we cry, but I've had to tell her like
Speaker 1: sometimes mommy and daddy are going to cry and it's
Speaker 1: not we're okay, Yeah, we're okay. Part of it, like
Speaker 1: because you know it's I think you know, and it
Speaker 1: looks like I have said to her a few times,
Speaker 1: like sometimes mommy is going to cry, sometimes Daddy's going
Speaker 1: to cry, and that's okay, yes, And like sometimes we're sad,
Speaker 1: sometimes we're frustrated, sometimes angry.
Speaker 3: It really feels like one, remember why you fell in love? Yes,
Speaker 3: but two which I never thought about. But the spark
Speaker 3: is kept alive by us being honest about how we're feeling.
Speaker 3: The spark is kept alive by saying I don't have
Speaker 3: it in me right now as we.
Speaker 1: We're just saying.
Speaker 3: I can't do that, you know. But the spark is
Speaker 3: kept alive by staying in communication and figuring out how
Speaker 3: we can both kind of get.
Speaker 2: On the same well.
Speaker 1: Also, like there have been times where I just haven't
Speaker 1: been feeling it or whatever. My husband will be like
Speaker 1: like he'll want to have sex and I'm like, I'm
Speaker 1: not feeling it, Like I'm just yeah, and then we'll
Speaker 1: talk about it. I'll be sad, I'll be down, We'll
Speaker 1: have some laughs, and then I will be in the mood.
Speaker 3: That is key. I will say that, like if you
Speaker 3: make space for how you're actually feeling and then we
Speaker 3: start talking, there's when I'm not in the mood. And
Speaker 3: Matthew wants to and then oh, you know, we talk
Speaker 3: about it. Then like there's something about that emotional connection
Speaker 3: of talking that makes me suddenly like, yeah, I love that.
Speaker 1: The best thing you can do to get your partner
Speaker 1: in the mood is just listen to the most talk.
Speaker 2: Yes, I love that, Danielle.
Speaker 1: Thank you for being here, Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1: I had such a good time and you are a.
Speaker 2: Joy and thank you so were you. I love you
Speaker 2: so much, love you too.
Speaker 3: Well.
Speaker 2: You know we are hose here, but hose with heart.
Speaker 3: So before we get out of here, let me speak
Speaker 3: to yours. I love me some, Danielle. There's so many
Speaker 3: incredible takeaways from the conversation for me, one being that
Speaker 3: being mom is hard, which you know, I know. I
Speaker 3: have full respect for all of you who are raising
Speaker 3: little ones, raising teenage ones, raising adult ones, Being a mom,
Speaker 3: being a dad, being a parent is so difficult, especially
Speaker 3: if you're trying to do it in a way where
Speaker 3: you can hold space for whatever your emotions, whatever your
Speaker 3: triggers are, and also not put that on the child
Speaker 3: and hold space for whatever their emotions are. To be
Speaker 3: doing that kind of parallel work where you're healing your
Speaker 3: own stuff and also shepherding a child into their humanhood.
Speaker 3: My goodness, that is a lot, so shout out to you.
Speaker 3: Talking keeps the spark alive. And I couldn't agree more.
Speaker 3: A lot of times, when the sex or the spark
Speaker 3: or the intimacy starts to wane, I think we get
Speaker 3: in our heads and we might start to and you
Speaker 3: know we're talking about this with that. I think it's
Speaker 3: a second episode featuring Shantira Jackson and doctor Vanessa Marin
Speaker 3: where we talked about how do you keep kind of
Speaker 3: sex alive in a long term relationship And one of
Speaker 3: the things we were speaking about is how when things
Speaker 3: are going off, instead of talking talking about it, we
Speaker 3: get in our head or we start to make up
Speaker 3: a story that it's our fault or that the other
Speaker 3: person should be doing more or whatever, as opposed to
Speaker 3: just talking and in that talking being transparent about where
Speaker 3: you are. I'm not horny right now, I don't feel
Speaker 3: like it right now, or I'm having issues with my
Speaker 3: sex drive and I've noticed that it's not you, but
Speaker 3: it's like I'm not feeling good or whatever it is.
Speaker 3: But like having that honest conversation and allowing your relationship
Speaker 3: to continue to be a safe space where you're not
Speaker 3: worried about the other person leaving because you said the
Speaker 3: wrong thing. Right that actually saying the thing brings you
Speaker 3: closer together, listen their caveat so that if you're in
Speaker 3: the wrong relationship, being honest might push that person away,
Speaker 3: But then that's not the relationship you want to be in.
Speaker 3: You want to be in a relationship that when you
Speaker 3: show who you are, when you say who you are,
Speaker 3: when you tell somebody this is where I'm at, whether
Speaker 3: it's it's good, it's gray, it's messy, whatever it is,
Speaker 3: that that other person again, whether it's romantic, familial, platonic,
Speaker 3: says to you, I got you. It pulls them in
Speaker 3: and allows them to know how to show up for you,
Speaker 3: and you know that talking might also get you in
Speaker 3: the mood. Finally, the being gentle with yourself is a
Speaker 3: new version emerges. Becoming a parent is a new version
Speaker 3: of yourself. And there's a lot of milestones like that
Speaker 3: in your life. Right when you turn thirteen. I think
Speaker 3: about for myself, when I turned thirteen, I was a
Speaker 3: teenager and like this new you know, puberty brought on
Speaker 3: this new version of myself. You know, Graduating college and
Speaker 3: stepping out into the real world brought on a new version.
Speaker 3: Getting married brought out a new version. So of course
Speaker 3: being a mother, a father, a parent would also bring
Speaker 3: out a new version. And so being gentle as you
Speaker 3: become a version of yourself you've never been before. You
Speaker 3: do not have to have it one hundred percent down
Speaker 3: or correct. You don't know how, you don't have to
Speaker 3: know how everything works.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 3: It's like moving into a new home, right, or a
Speaker 3: new apartment, Like you don't know where everything is. You're like, oh,
Speaker 3: there's an outlet over here. I didn't even know that, right.
Speaker 3: Oh look we'veout a little extra storage in the back
Speaker 3: room ball I didn't see that when we did the walkthrough. Right,
Speaker 3: you don't know where everything is. So be gentle with
Speaker 3: yourself as you move into the new version of yourself,
Speaker 3: and don't be afraid to ask for help. This is
Speaker 3: we started this on the very first episode of the
Speaker 3: pod with my best tie Chelsea. You know, friends are
Speaker 3: not just for for dance floors and brunch tables. They
Speaker 3: are for these moments when you are lost, when you
Speaker 3: are confused, when you're scared, when you're unsure when you
Speaker 3: don't have the words and all you can say is
Speaker 3: something is off, I'm not feeling good or I don't
Speaker 3: know what's happening. But this is different and it doesn't
Speaker 3: feel like me. Ask for help, you know, don't be
Speaker 3: like that is strength. I think a lot of us
Speaker 3: were taught that knowing how to do things and doing
Speaker 3: it right and perfectly and correct is where our value
Speaker 3: comes from, where our worth comes from, and that type
Speaker 3: of that framework of existing robs us of learning so
Speaker 3: much more about ourselves. I think we learn the most
Speaker 3: about ourselves when we aren't afraid to say I don't know,
Speaker 3: because then that actually makes space for new information to
Speaker 3: enter into our psyche, to enter into our space. So
Speaker 3: I don't know. It's actually a beautiful space to be.
Speaker 3: When you're asking for help and you're not able to
Speaker 3: articulate exactly what it is you need help with. Say
Speaker 3: that I need help, babe, I don't know with what,
Speaker 3: but I'm feeling off and I need help. Ask for help,
Speaker 3: and know who you can ask help from? Right, There
Speaker 3: are some people they not the person ask for help.
Speaker 3: And as Danielle brought up, you know, I have my
Speaker 3: own baggage with my mother, right Like, you might want
Speaker 3: to go to those familiar figures, but be honest with yourself,
Speaker 3: is that the place where you get the most help
Speaker 3: is that where you get the best help. If it's not,
Speaker 3: don't go to those familiar figures. Go somewhere else. Find
Speaker 3: somewhere else, find you know, whether it's your friends, or
Speaker 3: if it's a colleague, or if it's a mentor if
Speaker 3: it's a neighbor, if it's a stranger. Sometimes. I mean,
Speaker 3: I don't know about you, but I've had connections with
Speaker 3: strangers randomly that have healed me or expanded me on.
Speaker 3: Some of my favorite moments in life is running into
Speaker 3: or having like a random connection to, like an elder,
Speaker 3: right like running into that old grandmother or grandfather or
Speaker 3: grandparent on the subway or you know, on the bus
Speaker 3: or something like that, and getting to be in conversation
Speaker 3: with them and learning from somebody who's done it or
Speaker 3: who's done some version of life. So ask for help.
Speaker 3: I think that's it. Yeah, I love you so much.
Speaker 3: All Right, I gotta get out of here. But you
Speaker 3: can find me on Instagram at Brandon Kyle Goodman. You
Speaker 3: can find our podcasts at tell Me Something Messy and
Speaker 3: you can join our community on the Messy Monday's substack.
Speaker 3: When you subscribe, you'll get weekly posts, recommendations on sex
Speaker 3: and self and so much more. Also, I want to
Speaker 3: hear from you, so send your topic ideas, your messy stories,
Speaker 3: your submissions, your game ideas to tell Me Something Messy
Speaker 3: at gmail dot com. You can also call us at
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Speaker 3: and share this podcast with all your hoe and aspiring
Speaker 3: hoe friends. Really really helps the show out, all right.
Speaker 3: Until next time, ask about the politics of that dick
Speaker 3: before you make it spit, make sure they eat the kitty.
Speaker 3: Buffore they beat the kitty before fuckation or succation.
Speaker 2: Communication And in case you have I haven't heard it yet.
Speaker 2: Today you are so deeply loved. I love you.
Speaker 3: Bye. Thank you so much for listening to tell Me
Speaker 3: Something Messy. If you all enjoyed the show, send the
Speaker 3: episode to someone else you might like it. Tell Me
Speaker 3: Something Messy was executive produced by Ali Perry, Gabrielle Collins
Speaker 3: and Yours truly. Our producer and editor is Vince Dejohnny.
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