Speaker 1: You don't get to have an amazing relationship with someone
Speaker 1: because of a promise or a commitment. You get to
Speaker 1: do it because you renewed that promise and commitment on
Speaker 1: a daily, weekly, monthly basis, not because you want to
Speaker 1: extend the years you've been together, but because you want
Speaker 1: to extend the growth. Hey, everyone, welcome back to awkward therapy.
Speaker 1: Taboo topics, uncomfortable conversation. We don't even have a name
Speaker 1: of every but we just know that we're doing something
Speaker 1: that's uncomfortable, awkward, and difficult. But I'm doing with my
Speaker 1: dear friend Lewis House, who I admire, I learned so
Speaker 1: much from who we have these fascinating conversations with every
Speaker 1: month for hours and hours and hours, and we find
Speaker 1: it really useful to go back and forth and just
Speaker 1: dissect a topic. So today's topic is something that I
Speaker 1: think's going to interest a lot of people because we're
Speaker 1: trying to ask questions that we all have in our
Speaker 1: heads but no one ever says out loud because it's
Speaker 1: kind of scary. It's it's hard to talk about the controversial,
Speaker 1: especially if you're in a relationship. Today's one is a
Speaker 1: scary one to ask and these are two men in relationships.
Speaker 1: I've been married and with my wife for nearly ten
Speaker 1: years now, so that's a long time. You're in a
Speaker 1: relationship that you're very happy, maybe your girlfriend, Marty, and
Speaker 1: I'm so happy to see you both happy, but we're
Speaker 1: also both reflecting on these things. So the question is,
Speaker 1: or the question we're starting with and then we'll kind
Speaker 1: of get lost in it, is is it possible to
Speaker 1: be exclusive with and love one person for your entire life?
Speaker 1: For your life? Right? That's so we put it out there. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: and we want to encourage you to have this conversation,
Speaker 1: so you know, with people at work, with people at home,
Speaker 1: maybe not with your partner. Maybe maybe maybe that's a
Speaker 1: good thing. Yeah, we want to encourage you to share
Speaker 1: this with one person that you think it would be
Speaker 1: interesting to have this conversation with. Maybe that is your
Speaker 1: partner or a friend or whatever, maybe your parents, maybe
Speaker 1: your parents, and listen to this, share this conversation with
Speaker 1: one person and set a time to have a discussion
Speaker 1: about what you heard, what you liked, maybe what you
Speaker 1: didn't like from this conversation, and share with us in
Speaker 1: the comments below and this channel. What was the most
Speaker 1: interesting thing or what you'd add to this. I think, yeah,
Speaker 1: I love that. And by the way, the reason why
Speaker 1: this is called awkward therapy is both me and Lewis
Speaker 1: not therapists. We're not. We're trying to figure life out
Speaker 1: and we believe that having opened an honest conversations help
Speaker 1: us do that because you get to hear things from
Speaker 1: another perspective and you get to just think about something
Speaker 1: for a lot longer than like the second you make decisions.
Speaker 1: So anyway, I mean, let's dive in. I think, so,
Speaker 1: what's the answer can you do that? I first think
Speaker 1: of when we grew up. Yeah, we watch a lot
Speaker 1: of movies that would portray this fantasy or this ideal
Speaker 1: let's call it, that you find the prince or the princess,
Speaker 1: you marry and it's happily ever after. And then in
Speaker 1: the real world things happen. People move town, you get
Speaker 1: an opportunity, who work somewhere, you have to do long distance,
Speaker 1: and there's challenges. There was a breakup that someone had
Speaker 1: and they're still lingering in the new conversation and they're
Speaker 1: talking to their ex or things just happen in life,
Speaker 1: or you're just on Instagram and you get distracted by
Speaker 1: and you think that everyone else is better than the
Speaker 1: relationship you have. There's all these shiny opportunities, right, or
Speaker 1: these different people that could bring you more joy or
Speaker 1: love than in the current relationship. And you and I
Speaker 1: both have friends that are in let's call it open relationships.
Speaker 1: I guess you call polyamory, right, where they have multiple
Speaker 1: partners or you have one main partner and you have
Speaker 1: multiple relationships. And we both know people that have been
Speaker 1: married for a long time, decades who are happily married.
Speaker 1: We both know people that have been married for decades
Speaker 1: and are unhappily married. And so I guess I mean,
Speaker 1: I think what you said sparked something for me. Like
Speaker 1: I grew up as a hopeless romantic based on movies
Speaker 1: and music, so I always believe that there's the one,
Speaker 1: and I wanted this big romantic relationship. And I love
Speaker 1: like flowers and like poetry and like long walks and
Speaker 1: surprises and gifts because I brought into what Hollywood showed me.
Speaker 1: So for me, I think for a long period of
Speaker 1: my life, I believed that love was what I saw
Speaker 1: in the movies. And I know that sounds ridiculous, but
Speaker 1: in my teens, I would say that was massively what
Speaker 1: I saw, and I would watch American movies, so people
Speaker 1: getting asked out to prom or like was like a
Speaker 1: big deal in American movies, or whether it's like finding
Speaker 1: that one person who's gonna solve everything right, and then
Speaker 1: you start recognizing that, oh, wait a minute, I had
Speaker 1: a few relationships that look like that on the outside,
Speaker 1: but then they didn't feel that way. Or wait a minute,
Speaker 1: I've had a few a cups now, or wait a minute,
Speaker 1: like I thought this person was the one, but they weren't.
Speaker 1: And then you start recognizing, now that I've been in
Speaker 1: a long relationship, long term relationship, you start realizing love
Speaker 1: looks completely different. And so I think for me, the
Speaker 1: way I address this or the way I think about
Speaker 1: this is that first of all, you have to define
Speaker 1: what love means to you and what you want love
Speaker 1: to be. For some people, they just want love to
Speaker 1: feel like attraction, infatuation, desire, And if that's how you
Speaker 1: define love, chances are you're going to want a new
Speaker 1: person every month or every year because desire or that
Speaker 1: type of chemical desire explosiveness fades eventually. The study showed
Speaker 1: that too and I'm not saying that you can't have
Speaker 1: desire for someone I know. I know one couple has
Speaker 1: been married for like thirty years and they would still
Speaker 1: say they have that I love. I think, yeah, there's
Speaker 1: different levels of desire. There's like a conscious, healthy desire
Speaker 1: where you admire, respect, you're inspired fired by, and that
Speaker 1: creates that chemistry in that whether you want to call
Speaker 1: it sexual desire or whatever desire you create in your
Speaker 1: intimacy and relationship. But the explosive like unhealthy desire I
Speaker 1: feel like only comes when you're kind of trauma bonding
Speaker 1: each other, like early on, right, you see something and
Speaker 1: you're like, I want that, But then there was never
Speaker 1: like a foundation of values, what you really want in
Speaker 1: your life together, agreements, you know, this conscious conversation around
Speaker 1: being a couple. Yes, yes, And I would say one
Speaker 1: thing you said, which is really interesting to me because
Speaker 1: I think it's another societal narrative, is that the desire fades.
Speaker 1: And really what we both know that desire deepens, like
Speaker 1: it becomes about deepen absolutely, and so it's not that
Speaker 1: it goes away, it's just that it evolves. But if
Speaker 1: you are only into that initial desire and I remember
Speaker 1: for a long time. I mean, my greatest joy came
Speaker 1: from the pursuit and the chase and the conquest, pre
Speaker 1: month life. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, I got a lot yeah,
Speaker 1: pre month life. So I got a lot of joy
Speaker 1: out of wanting to see if I could get someone
Speaker 1: like that was the mindset, yeah, because that was the
Speaker 1: mindset that I was brought up in. Now, of course,
Speaker 1: when I look back at this, I don't believe in
Speaker 1: that as a value. I don't think. I don't think
Speaker 1: women or anyone as something to get. But I think
Speaker 1: growing up as a teenager who wasn't exposed to any
Speaker 1: form of wisdom or insight, you grow up with that
Speaker 1: mentality of like, you're only trying to prove it to yourself,
Speaker 1: that's what you Or you're like buddies or something to
Speaker 1: be like, oh this person's into me, or luck what
Speaker 1: you know, which ultimately is you trying to prove to
Speaker 1: yourself that you are worthy so your friends respect you,
Speaker 1: and so now you're going out to obtain this thing.
Speaker 1: So how long were you doing that up until? Like
Speaker 1: how old were you when you stopped the chase? Twenty one?
Speaker 1: Like twenty one? Better man than me? What I realized
Speaker 1: was that there was a lot of fun to the chase, right,
Speaker 1: They're so fun. It's like this addictive drug is like,
Speaker 1: there is someone out there that I'm attracted to or
Speaker 1: has something that I want or I want to be
Speaker 1: in contact with them, whether that's a relationship or a
Speaker 1: hook up or whatever might being right, and then the
Speaker 1: attempt to go after I guess accomplishing this feat is
Speaker 1: like a drug. It is like this chemical drug that
Speaker 1: makes you kind of obsessive about it right until you
Speaker 1: get it, and then when you get it from a
Speaker 1: place that is unconscious. It never was fulfilling or rewarding
Speaker 1: for me, right, and it was creating a foundation from
Speaker 1: something that wasn't based on values, vision, lifestyle things like
Speaker 1: that that never worked out for me. It was never healthy.
Speaker 1: It might have been fun for six months, or it
Speaker 1: might have been some good intentions here and there, but
Speaker 1: it never long term worked out because there wasn't a
Speaker 1: foundation of a conscious relationship being developed. And I think
Speaker 1: that's what you did with Roddy, Like when you got
Speaker 1: out of them the Monk Life and you started the
Speaker 1: relationship with Roddy, You guys started from the beginning. What
Speaker 1: you've told me is about here are my values, Here's
Speaker 1: my mission. I'm on a mission to be impactful and
Speaker 1: served humanity. This is the type of marriage I want
Speaker 1: to create, This is the type of life I want
Speaker 1: to have. This is some of the stuff I remember
Speaker 1: you're telling me. And I think going into a relationship
Speaker 1: with conscious conversations is probably one of the only ways
Speaker 1: to set yourself up to win for a lifetime together. Yeah,
Speaker 1: if you want that. And I know a lot of
Speaker 1: I know a lot of people who say to me, well,
Speaker 1: I enjoy the chase in the pursuit like I did.
Speaker 1: And you pretty much want a new person every month,
Speaker 1: right for men at least or men that I know,
Speaker 1: where you kind of can get bored quickly. Someone entertains
Speaker 1: you for a few months, and then after that you
Speaker 1: need something new and you need to chase again, and
Speaker 1: the drug again, which is a great definition, and you
Speaker 1: keep moving and moving and moving, and then the individual
Speaker 1: has to decide. I think the choices do I want
Speaker 1: a long term relationship ship or do I not? And
Speaker 1: there are gifts and pain points in both, Like there
Speaker 1: are really exciting, amazing things about getting someone new every
Speaker 1: few months, and there are really painful parts about it,
Speaker 1: And then there's loads of amazing things about being with
Speaker 1: someone for a long amount of time, or at least
Speaker 1: long for me is ten years, because that's the longest
Speaker 1: I've ever done with someone, But then there are loads
Speaker 1: of challenging parts about that. And I think everyone just
Speaker 1: has to know what type of life they're signing up for.
Speaker 1: And that's why we're having this conversation because I don't
Speaker 1: think that you have to love one person for the
Speaker 1: rest of your life. I don't think someone shouldn't be
Speaker 1: forced to believe that's the only way life works, especially
Speaker 1: because some people dedicate their life to someone, then that
Speaker 1: person leaves them, whether naturally or unnaturally, someone leaves them
Speaker 1: because there's infidelity or whatever there may be. And the
Speaker 1: point is that you can't force someone to say there
Speaker 1: is only one person. And I think often the institutions
Speaker 1: of the world, marriage and religion often kind of enforced
Speaker 1: people to believe that when you got married at twenty one,
Speaker 1: you got to be with this person with the rest
Speaker 1: of your life, or you're a failure correct or you've
Speaker 1: made mistakes, or you something something's wrong with you. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And I think that's one of the things why people
Speaker 1: stay in a relationship for way too long because they
Speaker 1: don't want to be something made, a mistake or something
Speaker 1: wrong with them. So they try and try and try
Speaker 1: to make it work. And maybe they could have made
Speaker 1: it work, but they just weren't an alignment or something.
Speaker 1: But a lot of people I think are in shame
Speaker 1: when they get a divorce, or they're in guilt, or
Speaker 1: they're in sadness for this loss because it didn't work out.
Speaker 1: They weren't who they thought they were. Something happened, right.
Speaker 1: It's a lot I've seen people who have been through divorce.
Speaker 1: It's not fun any Just a breakup is not fun,
Speaker 1: even if you got married or not. People go through
Speaker 1: breakups and struggle for a long time, it seems like.
Speaker 1: So relationships can be messy for sure. Yeah, But what
Speaker 1: I have discovered in one year of yeah, well one
Speaker 1: and a half years of intense therapy starting a relationship.
Speaker 1: This has been something that I've never done, but for
Speaker 1: the last ten years I've wanted to start a relationship
Speaker 1: in therapy, and me and Martha started that when we
Speaker 1: first started kind of hanging out. We weren't really dating
Speaker 1: for the first few months. We just kind of want
Speaker 1: to hang it out and she was dating other people.
Speaker 1: I was dating other people or just kind of out
Speaker 1: in the world. When we started getting more serious about it,
Speaker 1: I was like, listen, I've always wanted to do this,
Speaker 1: and I think it's a deal breaker if we don't
Speaker 1: do this, because I just want to make sure that
Speaker 1: we are setting ourselves up for success in terms of peace, joy,
Speaker 1: and for me, success in a relationship is two individuals
Speaker 1: independently living their lives and sharing their lives together. Like
Speaker 1: she's gone for a couple of weeks working on a
Speaker 1: project and a movie right now, and I'm in Los
Speaker 1: Angeles doing my thing. I know with you and your wife,
Speaker 1: she might be gone or you might be traveling, and
Speaker 1: some times you're doing it together and sometimes to part
Speaker 1: and having the freedom and flexibility to be yourself and
Speaker 1: also be in a relationship. I think that's for me,
Speaker 1: what a success at this season of my life. Maybe
Speaker 1: in ten years it'll look like something different. Yeah, And
Speaker 1: I think that's the point, right seeing life as seasons,
Speaker 1: because you have to ask the question like why do
Speaker 1: we think or why have you in this season decided
Speaker 1: to be exclusive to one person? And I think often
Speaker 1: we do that subconsciously. I don't think everyone intentionally thinks
Speaker 1: I feel I'm ready for a long term relationship. Now.
Speaker 1: I don't think we do that. I think we assume
Speaker 1: that at one point you're meant to kind of get
Speaker 1: into one and settle down, rather than the conscious choice,
Speaker 1: or you're consciously avoiding that and you're going no, no,
Speaker 1: no, no no no. The last thing I want to do
Speaker 1: is get married or settled down or be in a
Speaker 1: long term relationship. And so for me, it's like everyone
Speaker 1: has to sit there and look in the mirror and go,
Speaker 1: why do I want either right now? What's serves me
Speaker 1: and what serves my vision and what serves what I'm
Speaker 1: trying to do. That's what it is. And I think
Speaker 1: when you go back to what is my vision for
Speaker 1: my life and what do I really want? What will
Speaker 1: support that vision at the highest level. If you're a
Speaker 1: single guy and your vision is to be really focused
Speaker 1: on your mission and your business and growth and your health,
Speaker 1: and if you're spreading your energy around ten different women
Speaker 1: you're dating at once over a year or something, or
Speaker 1: however many you want to date, there is a lot
Speaker 1: of excitement to that lifestyle, But then you have to
Speaker 1: unwind and essentially reject every person that you're not going
Speaker 1: to be with. Ye. So there's like this unwinding, there's
Speaker 1: this hurt phase. It's this phase where you're you know,
Speaker 1: having challenging conversations and detaching from that intimacy of those connections.
Speaker 1: And that's a lot of energy. It's a lot of
Speaker 1: effort that's pulling you from your health or your other
Speaker 1: relationships or building something deeper and more meaningful when you
Speaker 1: have ten service level relationships as opposed to one deeper.
Speaker 1: I have different friends who have tried the whole polyamory thing,
Speaker 1: who have had multiple partners at the same time, who've
Speaker 1: had one person and then other people in the side,
Speaker 1: And I've never met one man who has successfully, i
Speaker 1: mean had peace in their life, let's say, consistently over
Speaker 1: years doing that. There might be a year or two
Speaker 1: where it seems manageable, yeah, but then it's like there's
Speaker 1: always a breakdown. Yeah. I've coached people and worked with
Speaker 1: people in that space, and I've just found that it's
Speaker 1: hard enough with one with one person's emotions, yes, then
Speaker 1: to deal with two. And this is what we do
Speaker 1: as humans, which I find really interesting, is that we
Speaker 1: make everything extreme. So we're so scared of codependency, so
Speaker 1: therefore we go to polyamory, yeah, because we're like, I
Speaker 1: don't want to be dependent on one person. So instead
Speaker 1: of figuring out the trauma as to why I become codependent,
Speaker 1: and instead of purifying and figuring out what it is
Speaker 1: that makes me codependent, I just believe that an external
Speaker 1: shell of being in a polyamous relationship will solve that.
Speaker 1: That's often the mindset of people that I've met. I'm
Speaker 1: not saying that that's the only reason. I'm not saying that, Yeah, please,
Speaker 1: hate is in the comments and control. It's like, I'm
Speaker 1: not saying this is the only reason, And I'm just
Speaker 1: saying that the people I've spoken to, they've said to
Speaker 1: me that they were scared of being codependent. So they
Speaker 1: believed if they had more partners than they wouldn't be codependent. Yeah,
Speaker 1: or they'd get the excitement that they were missing in
Speaker 1: their relationship. They wanted the relationship that would give them
Speaker 1: support and peace and structure. But if they were missing
Speaker 1: the excitement, Okay, let me go find the excitement somewhere else.
Speaker 1: And for me, that made a lot of sense. In
Speaker 1: my twenties, thinking that way because I was just like, oh,
Speaker 1: I don't know if you could do this with one person.
Speaker 1: For a long time, that was probably one of my
Speaker 1: biggest fears, that I would be in love with someone
Speaker 1: or love someone consciously, but that sexual desire, that exciting
Speaker 1: feeling that happens in the first whatever three to six
Speaker 1: nine months, I wouldn't have with a person once I
Speaker 1: was married with them, when I'd feel trapped. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: had to really heal a lot of things from childhood
Speaker 1: that built that script or narrative to realize that it's
Speaker 1: possible with conscious effort to create connection, chemistry, desire with
Speaker 1: one person if they're the right person in alignment also
Speaker 1: doing the conscious work. And that's where I said, like,
Speaker 1: I need to start therapy so that we have agreements,
Speaker 1: so I can feel peaceful, to be myself my full
Speaker 1: expression and dive into the relationship with curiosity and fun
Speaker 1: and excitement and desire in the relationship. And so far
Speaker 1: it's been extraordinary in the process of therapy before problems. Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1: I don't know if it's something that you guys did,
Speaker 1: or if you did something like that where you had
Speaker 1: conscious conversations about kids or what happens with money and
Speaker 1: all these different things. Before marriage was that something And
Speaker 1: I don't think they have a stop, but there's important
Speaker 1: to have before and before I get there. I think
Speaker 1: there was one thing about the that I wanted to
Speaker 1: mention about polyamory is that it's it's not that basically
Speaker 1: there's no external shell that's going to solve your internal
Speaker 1: trauma and pain. So whether you're with one person or
Speaker 1: whether you're with three or two or four people, neither
Speaker 1: of those are the cure. But you can't say to
Speaker 1: someone like being with one person and being married to
Speaker 1: them is the cure for your pain and trauma, or
Speaker 1: that if you have two people then you won't be codependent,
Speaker 1: Like that doesn't solve it. And so you've got to
Speaker 1: figure out what is it again that I really want?
Speaker 1: And so for me and rather like I, all I
Speaker 1: can ever do is be honest about where I'm at
Speaker 1: and what I want at that time, in this moment,
Speaker 1: in this moment, because if you made a promise your
Speaker 1: wedding day about ten years and that's why I don't
Speaker 1: think it's a promise. I think it's an ongoing conversation
Speaker 1: that is always changing and evolving it's not a commitment
Speaker 1: or a promise. It's not saying I am definitely up
Speaker 1: for this. It's saying I am open to this, I'm
Speaker 1: considering this, or I'm closed to this, this is not
Speaker 1: what I want. So if someone knows they don't want
Speaker 1: to have children, but they never talk about that with
Speaker 1: someone who they know wants to have children because you're
Speaker 1: scared of raising that, that's unhealthy because that is going
Speaker 1: to come up one day. Or if your desire long
Speaker 1: term is to live in another city or country, but
Speaker 1: you've not made someone aware that that's what you're considering.
Speaker 1: And so I don't think this is about this is
Speaker 1: what I want and this is my promise. It's more
Speaker 1: just saying this is kind of how I imagine my life, right, like,
Speaker 1: this is kind of how I think about it. Things change,
Speaker 1: people change, and all these different things. I think Patrick
Speaker 1: bet David said this. I can't remember where he said this,
Speaker 1: but I believe he said like every year around New
Speaker 1: Year's or Christmas. I think this was him where he
Speaker 1: says he and his wife get together and say, did
Speaker 1: we want to do this for one more year? Yeah?
Speaker 1: And what worked this year? What didn't work? How can
Speaker 1: we make it better, and do we want to do
Speaker 1: this for one more year as opposed to for the
Speaker 1: rest of our lives? Like thinking all the way fifty
Speaker 1: years away, ye, can seem kind of daunting for some people.
Speaker 1: And I think that's an interesting approach, and I think
Speaker 1: it could be like, you know, every day, what are
Speaker 1: we greatful for? Was there something that was off today
Speaker 1: that we can address so that it always is improving
Speaker 1: and growing in and a conversation of growth every day,
Speaker 1: once a week, once a month, every year, like be
Speaker 1: having the conversation is the key. I think making a
Speaker 1: lifelong decision is a recipe for failure. What is it anything?
Speaker 1: Forget loving another person? What could you say that you're
Speaker 1: going to do every day for the rest of your life,
Speaker 1: apart from shower and brush your teeth and breathe and breathe? Like,
Speaker 1: what is there that you could truly say, hand on
Speaker 1: your heart that you know you're able to maintain. I
Speaker 1: don't think there's anything so to create that promise really starts.
Speaker 1: And I do something similar more regularly with RADI where
Speaker 1: I always check in with rather and be like, is
Speaker 1: this the relationship you want? Is this going in the
Speaker 1: direction you want. It's a great question is it going
Speaker 1: in the way I want? Because if it isn't, are
Speaker 1: we willing to change? And if we're not willing to change,
Speaker 1: then where does this go? And I think doing that
Speaker 1: regularly every couple of weeks, every month, every three months,
Speaker 1: every quarter turn it into a thoughtful process. To me,
Speaker 1: that's really healthy because it gives you the incremental, intricate
Speaker 1: moments to say, Okay, well I don't like how this
Speaker 1: is going. And there were days in our relationships, certain
Speaker 1: years where I'd said to rather like, I'm like, this
Speaker 1: is not the relationship I want, really, and this is
Speaker 1: what I'm willing to do for it to change? Are
Speaker 1: you willing to do so? To hear that, I think
Speaker 1: this is after you're married. This is after we're married.
Speaker 1: I think that we establish those awkward conversations and uncomfortable
Speaker 1: conversations early and so it's continued to be easy to
Speaker 1: have them. But what I found is just the realness
Speaker 1: of a human Often her response will be well, I
Speaker 1: need to think about that, like, I don't know, I'm unaware,
Speaker 1: I'm not sure, and that requires patience, and that requires
Speaker 1: waiting and so many other uncomfortable feelings but you have.
Speaker 1: My point is if you don't do that, you're basically
Speaker 1: living a life for years and years and years. And
Speaker 1: I always find this fascinating that when someone gets divorced
Speaker 1: or when someone breaks up, everyone's surprised apart from those
Speaker 1: two people, they're like two years in the making because
Speaker 1: they know what's going on, right, And people may be
Speaker 1: shocked and they may not be happy with it, but really,
Speaker 1: deep down, you know, you've just been going along with
Speaker 1: the default. And so I find that having that conversation
Speaker 1: more regularly allows you to pivot or for some people part, yes,
Speaker 1: but I don't think if you don't have that conversation,
Speaker 1: then the pivot or the part is less likely. My therapist,
Speaker 1: but also Martha and I are doing individual and then
Speaker 1: together at certain times right, which has been extremely helpful
Speaker 1: to have separation as well, where I can just continue
Speaker 1: to heal my healing journey from my own stuff, she
Speaker 1: can do her own work, and then we can do
Speaker 1: relationship work together. It's really beautiful experiences. What our therapist
Speaker 1: and coach says is relationships should be about high engagement,
Speaker 1: low attachment. You know, high engagement, Atta, and she's like,
Speaker 1: that's the hardest thing to do. That's like the ultimate
Speaker 1: challenge is high engagement, low attachment, And a lot of
Speaker 1: times in my past, speaking for myself, it was high engagement,
Speaker 1: high attachment or low engagement, high attachment to the result
Speaker 1: to it working out, and kind of giving in and
Speaker 1: abandoning myself just to try to make it work. And
Speaker 1: when I learned how to heal from a lot of
Speaker 1: different stuff from previous relationships and just learn how to
Speaker 1: heal my own childhood wounds, it was easier for me
Speaker 1: to make decisions and be less attached to the result
Speaker 1: and just say this is my vision, this is the
Speaker 1: type of relationship. And so with Martha and me, early on,
Speaker 1: I was like, here's my vision, here are my values,
Speaker 1: here's the lifestyle one I have for at least the
Speaker 1: foreseeable next few years and the next five to ten years.
Speaker 1: What I my intention is. By coming from that space,
Speaker 1: I was completely clear, and I was like, there's a
Speaker 1: lot of things you may not like what I'm about
Speaker 1: to say, but I'm gonna tell you one hundred percent
Speaker 1: of the the truth. I'm not going to give in on
Speaker 1: my truth and I'm not going to sacrifice if you
Speaker 1: want me to change a bunch of things because it
Speaker 1: doesn't make you happy, then we're just not an alignment. Yeah,
Speaker 1: thankfully she loved all the things about my values, vision
Speaker 1: of lifestyle moving forward. It's also kind of revealing all
Speaker 1: the things I'm not proud of from the past. It's like, oh,
Speaker 1: this is how I was and this relationship and this relationship,
Speaker 1: and I had to learn a lot and revealed that
Speaker 1: as well to not act like I'm the perfect one.
Speaker 1: It allowed for more of a conscious foundation to be
Speaker 1: started in our year of experience. Where you've had ten years, right,
Speaker 1: ten years you've been together. Next year we'll I've had
Speaker 1: I don't know ten failed relationships in my lifetime. You've
Speaker 1: had ten years of a beautiful relationship, and you've had
Speaker 1: different things that you said in the first few years
Speaker 1: where you said, this isn't the type of relationship where
Speaker 1: I wanted to be like it needs to. That's not
Speaker 1: what I was into, and it's going in a different
Speaker 1: direction than when I wanted. What would you say for me?
Speaker 1: The biggest thing that I've learned was going into a
Speaker 1: new relationship healing the wounds of the past, or being
Speaker 1: on the healing journey and having conscious conversations early and
Speaker 1: starting in therapy when there were no problems has been
Speaker 1: extremely helpful for me in one year. Yeah, what would
Speaker 1: you say a ten year has been extremely helpful for
Speaker 1: you that you also wish you did in the first year,
Speaker 1: or maybe you did do it and you're still doing it. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I think it's the continuation. It's like when you plant
Speaker 1: a seed, you water it, and you may as sunlight
Speaker 1: and you make sure the soil is good. When it
Speaker 1: becomes a tree, you still do all of those things.
Speaker 1: You don't just stop right like, you don't stop like
Speaker 1: just caring for it. The care might evolve and change,
Speaker 1: like you don't need to water a tree in the
Speaker 1: same way because it's it's roots there. But you can't
Speaker 1: be completely negligent. I think the challenge we've created in
Speaker 1: society is that we believe that a long relationship is
Speaker 1: a successful one. And really my definition of a relationship
Speaker 1: is are we growing together? Are we thriving together? And
Speaker 1: are we learning from each other? Yes? Are we growing together?
Speaker 1: Are we thriving together? And are we learning from each other?
Speaker 1: If I'm not doing that with you anymore, then if
Speaker 1: we're not, and then the question is are you willing
Speaker 1: to change something in order to do that. And if
Speaker 1: you're not, and I think you have to be. I
Speaker 1: think the challenges, and I've heard you talk about this,
Speaker 1: I think the challenges. No matter how long a relationship gets,
Speaker 1: you have to be open to the fact that you
Speaker 1: could get to a point with someone where there's no
Speaker 1: more growth, no more learning, and no more thriving. And
Speaker 1: that's that low attachment. Yes, he's recognizing that, just as
Speaker 1: in a business relationship, you wouldn't stay in business with
Speaker 1: someone if you weren't growing together, you weren't thriving together,
Speaker 1: and you weren't learning together, and you want to keep
Speaker 1: your business open. If you were in the negative year
Speaker 1: after year, you weren't having fun, you didn't see opportunities
Speaker 1: for growth, you're in an industry that was eliminating year
Speaker 1: after year, you'd be like, Okay, maybe this had its season,
Speaker 1: correct and it's time to find a new business to work.
Speaker 1: And I'm just not saying you need to say, well,
Speaker 1: maybe this person's had its season or this and this.
Speaker 1: But going back to the original conversation, can you be
Speaker 1: with one person for the rest of your life? Can
Speaker 1: you love one person for the rest of your life
Speaker 1: and it'd be a healthy, overall, healthy, enriching relationship. And again,
Speaker 1: I think about a successful relationship where each individual is
Speaker 1: putting one hundred percent into their own personal development and
Speaker 1: growth and mission and putting one hundred percent into making
Speaker 1: the relationship healthy, conscious, joyful, and that takes a lot
Speaker 1: of individual work, one hundred percent on each individual to
Speaker 1: want to grow and develop, and if not, then it's
Speaker 1: going to be there's gonna be challenges. And I think
Speaker 1: there's something that Esther Perel said probably on both of
Speaker 1: our shows, which is there's a love story and there's
Speaker 1: a life story. And there's a lot of people you
Speaker 1: can have a love story with right where you could
Speaker 1: fall in love with or date and have these romantic
Speaker 1: nights and these adventures, but they may not be a
Speaker 1: part of your life story. So they may not have
Speaker 1: your values, your vision, the lifestyle you want to have
Speaker 1: in your life. If a lot of those things don't
Speaker 1: line up, then maybe you're they're just a seasonal love story,
Speaker 1: not a longer season life story. And there's probably lesser
Speaker 1: people that could be a life story. Yes, And so
Speaker 1: I don't think that there's one person that you could
Speaker 1: be with for the rest of life, because you know, again,
Speaker 1: something could happen in a partnership where if someone leaves
Speaker 1: this world, then you're just going to say, for the
Speaker 1: rest of my life, I'm not going to be in
Speaker 1: another relationships, there might be a situation or if the
Speaker 1: relationship has just had its season and the person's not
Speaker 1: willing to keep working and investing in it, it's like
Speaker 1: that's tough, and I just think that's okay, And you're
Speaker 1: in therapy and there's like, no, I just don't care
Speaker 1: about the relationship anymore. So the other person's supposed to
Speaker 1: stay attached and give one hundred percent when the other
Speaker 1: person's giving zero percent for a year and year and year.
Speaker 1: I don't think that's the type of life that we
Speaker 1: were designed to live. Yes, just to show up because
Speaker 1: we made this a commitment to an attachment, I guess.
Speaker 1: But that's controversial to say, because when you make a
Speaker 1: commitment to marriage, we should try. The intention should be
Speaker 1: to stay married. That should be the intention. But if
Speaker 1: one person is unwilling to and they keep breaking their
Speaker 1: commitments and they're not then to get back on track,
Speaker 1: or they do things over and over that are hurtful
Speaker 1: and they don't apologize and take responsibility. They don't take accountability.
Speaker 1: I don't think a period of time someone needs to
Speaker 1: abandon themselves to be taken advantage of and abused and
Speaker 1: used and someone breaking their promise in their commitments. Of
Speaker 1: course not. And that's one of the biggest issues with
Speaker 1: setting a commitment at an early stage in life, when
Speaker 1: we're immature eighteen twenty one, you don't even know yourself
Speaker 1: and you make these massive promises, and I just again,
Speaker 1: I go back to that, like, where else in your
Speaker 1: life do you make a decision for life for fifty
Speaker 1: sixty seventy years. And so if you do want that
Speaker 1: with someone, make sure that you are checking in regularly,
Speaker 1: that you're renewing that like you're reconnecting with each other regularly.
Speaker 1: Because you don't get to have an amazing relationship with
Speaker 1: someone because of a promise or a commitment. You get
Speaker 1: to do it because you renewed that promise and commitment
Speaker 1: on a daily, weekly, monthly basis, not because you want
Speaker 1: to extend the years you've been together, but because you
Speaker 1: want to extend the growth. And so for me, I
Speaker 1: think I agree with you that no one should feel
Speaker 1: forced and really, what marriages or what exclusivity is or
Speaker 1: what commitment is is we're going to try to grow
Speaker 1: together continuously. And I would rather choose to grow with
Speaker 1: you than to grow in many different ways. And it's
Speaker 1: a conscious choice. And I think, listen, neither of us
Speaker 1: have kids yet. Yeah, and so I can already see
Speaker 1: all the comments of people saying, well, wait till you
Speaker 1: have kids, and you don't know what it's like when
Speaker 1: you have kids. You have to sacrifice and give up
Speaker 1: so much. And I think that's a great excuse for people,
Speaker 1: and I think it's a valid excuse, but I think
Speaker 1: it's an excuse that holds people back as well. And
Speaker 1: I know a lot of married people with kids who
Speaker 1: are thriving, who are having fun every day or consistently,
Speaker 1: who are joining their lives, who live independently in the
Speaker 1: marriage as well, and have their wrong time and flexibility,
Speaker 1: trust all those things, and year after year they thrive
Speaker 1: with kids. So again, there are going to be more
Speaker 1: and more challenges, and that's why it's important for each
Speaker 1: individual to do the work consistently independent of the relationship,
Speaker 1: to just become better humans, more emotionally evolved, emotionally intelligent.
Speaker 1: Work on healing whatever is triggering, you work on that
Speaker 1: healing journey so that you're not as reactive with your
Speaker 1: partner or life. Yeah, you're not bringing baggage to the relationship.
Speaker 1: You're more having any conscious conversation in the relationship, Like
Speaker 1: you said, when we make those decisions at twenty one
Speaker 1: or whatever, or just early even at forty. I was
Speaker 1: telling Martha this the other day. I was like, I
Speaker 1: don't know if I would have gotten married. There's no
Speaker 1: way I'd be in a relationship if I got married
Speaker 1: at twenty seven, twenty nine. There's just no way. Because
Speaker 1: I've had to go through so much inner challenges to
Speaker 1: overcome in the last decade alone that just now at
Speaker 1: thirty nine, do I feel like I finally figured out
Speaker 1: how to have peace inside? Yeah? Consisting. Yeah, I would
Speaker 1: have messed up any relationship without knowing the tools on
Speaker 1: how to just navigate. And it doesn't mean I'm going
Speaker 1: to be perfect in this relationship for the rest of
Speaker 1: my life or whatever. But I'm probably gonna make mistakes.
Speaker 1: But I feel like I have a better awareness of
Speaker 1: self yet five twenty seven, thirty It's like, that's hard.
Speaker 1: I don't know how you did it. Ten years ago. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean nearly ten years. Who was Yeah it was
Speaker 1: next year, it will be ten years. But you have
Speaker 1: four years of month training where you were just there's
Speaker 1: I mean, there's a bit of everything, right, Like, there's
Speaker 1: the there was some maturity, but now when I look back,
Speaker 1: I go, there was also parts of it that were luck.
Speaker 1: And when I say luck, I mean universal divine intervention,
Speaker 1: and like, I was fortunate that it was. Rather there
Speaker 1: were lots of parts of it where it was like, oh, like,
Speaker 1: actually I wasn't as mature as I thought, but it
Speaker 1: somehow happened that we were compatible to me. And you know,
Speaker 1: there's she was healthy in a certain ways, and that's
Speaker 1: there's a lot of fortune in that too. Like I
Speaker 1: don't think it's it's not fair for me to say
Speaker 1: that it was all didactic and perfectly like masterminded because
Speaker 1: I was so advanced. That's not true. I think there
Speaker 1: was some maturity, but there was also a lot of immaturity,
Speaker 1: but that got balanced out by some of her gifts.
Speaker 1: And I think the point is that you just can't
Speaker 1: ever be scared to look in the mirror. You can't
Speaker 1: be scared to ask those questions. You can't ever stop
Speaker 1: doing that, because that's where it all goes wrong. I
Speaker 1: think that I have grown more significantly being committed to
Speaker 1: one woman than I would have if I wasn't. So
Speaker 1: that's my If you would have been single for the
Speaker 1: last ten years, correct and say single or having different
Speaker 1: surface level relationships, not being committed to one person for
Speaker 1: ten years, where would you be in your life right
Speaker 1: now if you could just hypothetically Yeah, And I don't
Speaker 1: think it's an external success or metric of some sort
Speaker 1: of financial law, you know, physical situation. It's more that
Speaker 1: I believe that being in a committed relationship has taught
Speaker 1: me skills and qualities that I wouldn't have if I wasn't.
Speaker 1: So I've one of my favorite ones is the ability
Speaker 1: to self validate as opposed the other person giving you validation. Correct.
Speaker 1: So I believe that if I was single for the
Speaker 1: past ten years, I would have used other people to
Speaker 1: validate myself, because I would have been able to go
Speaker 1: to different people for different forms of validation, someone telling
Speaker 1: me Jay, you're this, you're that, whatever it is. When
Speaker 1: you're committed to one person, chances are they don't validate
Speaker 1: you sometimes or at least in my case, and that
Speaker 1: trained me in the ability to go inward and validate
Speaker 1: myself for what I care about myself. Yeah, I'm assuming
Speaker 1: Roddy's not intentionally not validating you, but you're just in
Speaker 1: life and conversation and you know you wanted something, but
Speaker 1: maybe she wasn't being aware of it or whatever. Right. Yeah.
Speaker 1: The point is you don't get to just solve it
Speaker 1: by going and finding it somewhere else. And so I
Speaker 1: think that's what I mean that a lot of the time,
Speaker 1: when you don't get what you want from one person,
Speaker 1: you can just go find a fix somewhere else, but
Speaker 1: that stops you from growing in doing it for yourself.
Speaker 1: So that's one of the big ones. Another one that
Speaker 1: I would say that I only got through being in
Speaker 1: a committed relationship was the recognition that effort and contribution
Speaker 1: to a relationship was not always visible. So what I
Speaker 1: mean by that is often in a relationship, we think
Speaker 1: of the breadwinner, the person who pays the bills, as
Speaker 1: being the way someone contributes, or if someone cleans and cooks,
Speaker 1: that's the way someone contributes. When you get into a
Speaker 1: relationship for a long time, you start to realize there
Speaker 1: are emotional contributions to a relationship. There are spiritual contributions
Speaker 1: to a relationship which you don't get to see when
Speaker 1: your relationship is purely physical. Right, And so now when
Speaker 1: I look at relationships, I'm like, wow, like RADI is
Speaker 1: contributing to this relationship. Of course financially in that but
Speaker 1: also in this spiritual and emotional way. Yes, and in
Speaker 1: my limited understanding, if I was just moving around, I
Speaker 1: wouldn't know if that was even possible. So I think,
Speaker 1: I mean, those are just a couple. There's so many.
Speaker 1: But I believe that I have grown more and learned
Speaker 1: more about myself then I would have if I wasn't,
Speaker 1: because I think I would have found a quick fix
Speaker 1: for most of my problems, oh everything, if there was,
Speaker 1: like you know, if I was just jumping from relationship
Speaker 1: to relationship or just dating and not actually being committed
Speaker 1: to anyone. When there was a moment of anything getting hard,
Speaker 1: just be like, I don't want to deal this. I'm
Speaker 1: going to go to the next person and have fun
Speaker 1: and just make it light and make it interesting and
Speaker 1: go after the chase and get that high again. When
Speaker 1: I started the relationship with Martha, I made a conscious decision.
Speaker 1: Realizing that I was the problem for every previous relationship,
Speaker 1: that I was the common denominator for things not working out,
Speaker 1: I said, let me try something different. Let me not
Speaker 1: dive into what I've always done, which is the sexual
Speaker 1: chemistry first, because that clouded my mind from seeing the
Speaker 1: person fully or seeing more of the person, I should say.
Speaker 1: And that decision to remove that for the first you know,
Speaker 1: months of us kind of seeing each other and getting
Speaker 1: to know each other was so powerful for me because
Speaker 1: I was like, do I want to be I remember
Speaker 1: asking some friends in the past, I go, if you
Speaker 1: guys didn't have sex, would you still be together? And
Speaker 1: a lot of them are like, no, okay, So remove
Speaker 1: sex from the relationship or remove sexual chemistry from the relationship.
Speaker 1: Would you want to spend quality time with this person consistently?
Speaker 1: Are you adding value to their life? Are they adding
Speaker 1: value to your life? Another person said, you know, could
Speaker 1: you spend ten thousand meals with this person? Because that's
Speaker 1: what it's going to be like if you're getting married
Speaker 1: and you're with them for a long time, ten thousand meals.
Speaker 1: It's interesting enough. And when we jump into from my
Speaker 1: personal experience, when you jump into sex or chemistry. First,
Speaker 1: the foundation is usually a little shakier. And also if
Speaker 1: you're doing that with multiple people, it's hard to build
Speaker 1: a strong foundation with one and you're never really getting
Speaker 1: that piece. It's kind of there's always something shaky. Yeah right,
Speaker 1: you know, yeah, well, I mean that's I mean, the
Speaker 1: studies showed that too, that when you engage in a
Speaker 1: physical relationship with someone, the chemicals that are released after
Speaker 1: sex make you feel closer to them when you're not
Speaker 1: actually closer, So you haven't really done the work for
Speaker 1: deep value based intimacy, but you're feeling the high chemically,
Speaker 1: and you could feel that with people again and again
Speaker 1: and again, and that's why we get more attached to
Speaker 1: people that we have sex within that way. And so
Speaker 1: for me, obviously through the Monk training, like that was
Speaker 1: a big part of it. I mean, celibacy was a
Speaker 1: huge part of Monk training, and it was all for
Speaker 1: mental clarity so you can make better decisions. Right, It's
Speaker 1: not about saying that you're never having sex. It's about
Speaker 1: the idea that can I make better decisions without being
Speaker 1: clouded from being clouded by a chemical release that is
Speaker 1: making me believe something And I think That's what people
Speaker 1: don't That's what people underestimate, is that do you want
Speaker 1: to make a decision based on reality or do you
Speaker 1: want to make a decision based on chemicals that are
Speaker 1: being exposed to you in a particular moment, which aren't reality.
Speaker 1: And I think everyone would hold their hand up anyone
Speaker 1: who's in the comment section right now, like would say,
Speaker 1: I have been in a relationship where we had a
Speaker 1: terrible relationship, but the sex was great. I think everyone
Speaker 1: would agree that they've been in a relationship and whenever
Speaker 1: there was an argument, we leaned on sex and got
Speaker 1: back to yeah, to a foundation, right, Yeah, exactly. And
Speaker 1: they know that that was toxic and unhealthy because they
Speaker 1: dealt with pain, they dealt with abuse, they dealt with manipulation,
Speaker 1: they dealt with trauma because the sex was good, right.
Speaker 1: And that's why I think if you eliminate that, at
Speaker 1: least in the beginning of a new relationship to learn
Speaker 1: to learn that you're going to learn and make better decisions.
Speaker 1: Mental clarity, Like you said, is this since behavior matching
Speaker 1: their words? Do they have the same values that I have?
Speaker 1: Are we in alignment on a lot of these things
Speaker 1: that we want or do they do certain things that
Speaker 1: I'll just never want to be around, you know. For me,
Speaker 1: it was very important, Like I've never been drunk in
Speaker 1: my life. It's not something I do, but I can
Speaker 1: be around it. It's just like it's I don't want
Speaker 1: to be around it all the time. Yeah, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean. Like, if you want to have wine
Speaker 1: once a month, like I'm cool with that. If you're
Speaker 1: drinking every night, three glasses of wine, it's just a
Speaker 1: deal break. It's just not for me. And there might
Speaker 1: be something that you know, in the past, if if
Speaker 1: a person wanted to be with me, but I was like, well,
Speaker 1: iat sugar all day, that'd be a dealbreaker for them
Speaker 1: or something or whatever it is. Yeah, And it's figuring out,
Speaker 1: like what are the things in alignment that you both
Speaker 1: want to see if you can be in a great relationship,
Speaker 1: to see if you can be in a thriving relationship,
Speaker 1: because human beings are just messed up. Yeah, And if
Speaker 1: you're trying to be like obviously, if you're just someone
Speaker 1: who's like I just want to sleep around, you know,
Speaker 1: mess around, have fun, whatever, sure that's fine. But if
Speaker 1: you're in the position in your life right now where
Speaker 1: you're like, I want to be in a long term relationship.
Speaker 1: Then it's a healthy thing to consider this because you
Speaker 1: want to have your best decision making capability. And I
Speaker 1: also think a lot of people are getting in a
Speaker 1: relationships when they feel lonely. Yeah, that is a scary
Speaker 1: thing to do, to be seeking out a relationship because
Speaker 1: you feel alone. One of the greatest gifts I gave
Speaker 1: myself was learning how to go take myself out on
Speaker 1: a date, go to dinner, go to lunch, go to
Speaker 1: a movie alone, and learn to enjoy my own company.
Speaker 1: It was so hard to do because I didn't enjoy
Speaker 1: my company for so long. I had too many negative
Speaker 1: conversations with myself. And I had to learn how to
Speaker 1: love myself in a conscious way, in a healthy way,
Speaker 1: so that I could be happy alone first yes, and
Speaker 1: then not abandoned myself in a relationship. And it's like,
Speaker 1: when the point when I was like, I don't want
Speaker 1: to be in a relationship, that's when Martha showed up.
Speaker 1: I was like, you know, I'm good. I'm like so
Speaker 1: happy alone. I love my life, I've got my business,
Speaker 1: I've got my friends. I am good. That's when she
Speaker 1: came in. I was like, damn it, I don't want
Speaker 1: to be around you right now. But it's but I
Speaker 1: can do it because I can have low attachment from
Speaker 1: the beginning and I don't need this to make me happy. Yes,
Speaker 1: I think a lot of people get in relationships because
Speaker 1: they need that to make them feel complete happy, And
Speaker 1: I think that's also a foundation of struggle when we
Speaker 1: come from that space. Yeah, the reason why what you
Speaker 1: said is so important is that that doesn't stop when
Speaker 1: you move in with someone. So I think we feel that,
Speaker 1: and I think this is a pressure that's created in relationships,
Speaker 1: especially in the early days, where people expect to spend
Speaker 1: all their time together. And if you're spending all your
Speaker 1: time together, then where is the time to grow independently
Speaker 1: so that you can improve each other's lives. And so
Speaker 1: if every night you go home and you put a
Speaker 1: show on together and you watch it and that's your
Speaker 1: way of spending time together, you're not investing in or
Speaker 1: growing the relationship. And then three months down the line,
Speaker 1: you're wondering, why don't we feel any chemistry or any
Speaker 1: spark or any compatibility because you both haven't grown independently,
Speaker 1: so you haven't been able to grow together, and so
Speaker 1: that's not something that stops. That going on a date
Speaker 1: on your own or treating yourself, that never stops, and
Speaker 1: it shouldn't stop. And I think one of the biggest
Speaker 1: challenges is is that people say, oh, if you don't
Speaker 1: want to spend time with me, if we're together, then
Speaker 1: that means there's something wrong. And so there's this insecurity
Speaker 1: that if you don't want to spend every moment with me,
Speaker 1: then you don't think I'm good enough. Or if you
Speaker 1: don't text me every single moment when we're not a part,
Speaker 1: that means that you don't love me. Flashbacks now, Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's like and when you live in there, it's like, well,
Speaker 1: wait a minute, you've missed the point that if they're
Speaker 1: always with you, then they can't bring anything to you. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I've heard a couple different people talk about this concept.
Speaker 1: I think Esther Perell was one of them. And then
Speaker 1: Rob Bell talks about the space in between the time
Speaker 1: you're together. It's where you love deepens. It's like you
Speaker 1: can deepen it when you have space apart from each
Speaker 1: other and you can miss each other. You can think
Speaker 1: about the conversation you had, you can think about the activities,
Speaker 1: the games you're playing, the intimacy, those conversations, those moments.
Speaker 1: It's the space in between that creates more harmony. I
Speaker 1: think Yo Yo Maa talks about like harmony is in
Speaker 1: between the notes. Right, It's like there's the same thing
Speaker 1: with connection and love. You know, if I spent every
Speaker 1: moment with you, I might be like I need some
Speaker 1: more time apart. But it's because I only see you
Speaker 1: once every couple of weeks or once a month, I
Speaker 1: get so excited about that time together. Right, Not that
Speaker 1: I wouldn't want to see you every day, No, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean. It's like having time to be
Speaker 1: an independent human being, doing your activity, is doing the
Speaker 1: things you love well I think support you and staying
Speaker 1: together longer. Yeah, And the couples that you know that
Speaker 1: I know that have been together for twenty thirty forty
Speaker 1: years at least a lot of them might feel like
Speaker 1: have that one day a week with their friends, have
Speaker 1: that time where they go on a trip alone or
Speaker 1: with other people in their life. They learn other activities,
Speaker 1: They go to workshops together but also alone on things
Speaker 1: that they can add value to the relationship and to themselves.
Speaker 1: Feel independent, but also be committed, and I think that
Speaker 1: is a huge thing to set yourself up to be
Speaker 1: a healthy, conscious, thriving relationship long term. Yeah, if you
Speaker 1: choose to be with one person, If you choose to
Speaker 1: be with one person, there's a couple of things you
Speaker 1: have to think about. The first is what do you
Speaker 1: actually enjoy to do together? So Radye and I discovered
Speaker 1: that going out to dinner was okay, watching a movie
Speaker 1: together was okay. But what we've really loved was experiences.
Speaker 1: What we really loved was doing activities together. What we
Speaker 1: really loved was going to workshops together. Is whether it
Speaker 1: was a cooking class or whether it's pottery, or whether
Speaker 1: it was trekking with gorillas that we just did right now,
Speaker 1: or whether it was going on a hike together, like
Speaker 1: it was doing something active together. And you know, even
Speaker 1: in our relationship as friends, like we were talking about this,
Speaker 1: like when we set our fun, fitness and friendship, and
Speaker 1: we've decided that we want to make sure that we
Speaker 1: are going out for dinner, but we also want to
Speaker 1: play some sports. We've been playing Pickable together or our
Speaker 1: version of pickaball that we're meant it. We're going on hikes,
Speaker 1: we're doing different things activities together. Yeah, and like that's
Speaker 1: what we've realized we like to do. And I think
Speaker 1: that's a really important thing that if you want to
Speaker 1: be with someone long term, you have to figure out
Speaker 1: what you want to do together. And then going even
Speaker 1: a step further, if you're really going to be with
Speaker 1: someone long term, your relationship has to have a purpose
Speaker 1: beyond each other. Yea. The goal of your relationship can't
Speaker 1: be how do we stay together? Like, the goal of
Speaker 1: the relationship is how do we serve together? How do
Speaker 1: we give together? How do we help our community together?
Speaker 1: Like couples who have that ability to expand their radius
Speaker 1: of care and compassion, that's what ultimately goes to that stage.
Speaker 1: Couples as stay together, serve together. I think that's a
Speaker 1: great thing, you know. I think in the fitness community
Speaker 1: they're like families that work out together, stay together type
Speaker 1: of day. But I think couples that stay together are
Speaker 1: the ones that are serving together. And I know your
Speaker 1: talking about this, and I know this is going to
Speaker 1: be in your next book as well. This kind of
Speaker 1: concept of the different levels of relationship of Okay, you're
Speaker 1: getting to know dating stage, then you're in the commitment stage.
Speaker 1: Then you're in marriage stage, and then it's like, what
Speaker 1: is the next stage. It's being in service. It's figuring
Speaker 1: out ways to serve your family, your friends, your community,
Speaker 1: and the ways that makes sense for you. That's what's
Speaker 1: going to keep people together long term. And I think
Speaker 1: when we stop serving the relationship and we stop serving
Speaker 1: others around the relationship, it's probably going to have more challenges. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, maybe you can make it last and maybe
Speaker 1: you have some good times, but I feel like you're
Speaker 1: going to have more challenges to overcome, which is going
Speaker 1: to make you say one person's not for me, this
Speaker 1: relationship is not worth I need a different relationship. And
Speaker 1: maybe that's true. Maybe that relationship wasn't supposed to last,
Speaker 1: but I think it's And I'm so excited to for
Speaker 1: your next book because I've been getting the behind the
Speaker 1: scenes from you on it. But I feel like you're
Speaker 1: going to give people this foundation of how to set
Speaker 1: yourself up at the different stages of a committed relationship.
Speaker 1: And I don't think there's anything wrong with being single
Speaker 1: and dating lots of people. I know a guy right now,
Speaker 1: he's single and he's going on dates every week with
Speaker 1: different people, taking people out to dinner and having interesting conversations,
Speaker 1: and what Matthew Holsey says our friend is kind of
Speaker 1: like eliminating people that aren't the one for them right now.
Speaker 1: It's like, I got to go meet a bunch of people,
Speaker 1: have experiences to see who I know don't want to
Speaker 1: be with as well. And I think there's a season
Speaker 1: for that. And I think when we get into relationship,
Speaker 1: we just need to be conscious of why am I
Speaker 1: getting this relationship? You know? Am I dependent on this
Speaker 1: to make me happy? If so, I just think that's
Speaker 1: going to be a recipe for failure. But being conscious
Speaker 1: about entering a relationship and conscious about growing a relationship.
Speaker 1: There's so much you learn when you're single, and there's
Speaker 1: so much you learn when you're in a relationship. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And that's actually the question do I want how do
Speaker 1: I want to learn right now? Like how do I
Speaker 1: want to learn right now? Do I want to learn
Speaker 1: by meeting lots of people and learning in that way
Speaker 1: and dealing with what comes with that, or do I
Speaker 1: want to learn in this way? And I think everything
Speaker 1: in life is simply a learning experience, and at this
Speaker 1: season of my life, yeah, that one of the biggest
Speaker 1: values for me is peace, inner peace, right, and you
Speaker 1: kind of peace if you and I. For years, I
Speaker 1: would interview on camera and off camera older men who
Speaker 1: are successful in business or in their careers, or who
Speaker 1: had kind of reached the top of their industry, and
Speaker 1: I would ask them questions like about being single or
Speaker 1: about having, you know, being married, about being with one
Speaker 1: person or do they have open relationships, just curious. And
Speaker 1: there was not one man who was like fifty sixties,
Speaker 1: seventy years old who was peaceful and fulfilled with multiple
Speaker 1: women at the same time or kind of trying to
Speaker 1: manage that, you know, that energy. The ones that had peace,
Speaker 1: which again is a value of mind, is having peace
Speaker 1: because I feel like peace helps us create mental clarity,
Speaker 1: which I think is important for you as well, which
Speaker 1: helps us have more energy towards our mission. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: I haven't met one sixties seven year old man who
Speaker 1: was like I had five girlfriends the whole time and
Speaker 1: I was peaceful. And so I just again, again, what's
Speaker 1: your value? What do you want? If you want adventure
Speaker 1: and fun and you can't have all that and peace,
Speaker 1: there's going to be some letting go. So I really
Speaker 1: like and this has been my biggest takeaway from today's
Speaker 1: that you brought it back to values. If your value
Speaker 1: is experimentation and freedom, freedom, freedom from commitment, then that's
Speaker 1: a beautiful life. And I'm not and again I'm not
Speaker 1: saying you should do either rule you know, it's it's
Speaker 1: all based on your value. And you just said your
Speaker 1: value is piece. My value is purpose. I want to
Speaker 1: be committed to my purpose. And I had a really
Speaker 1: open and honest conversation with a friend recently. He asked
Speaker 1: me a question. He said, Jay, like, you know, how
Speaker 1: do you deal with temptation and desire? You know everything else?
Speaker 1: And we had a really honest, vulnerable conversation man to man,
Speaker 1: and I said to him that for me, one of
Speaker 1: my biggest values in life is history and loyalty. I
Speaker 1: like long term friendships because then you can look back
Speaker 1: and look at how far you've come, and you can't
Speaker 1: do that from short term. I like loyalty. I love
Speaker 1: the idea of like you've been loyal to a friend,
Speaker 1: a person, a partner, and you can look back at
Speaker 1: what you've been through school. And so when I look
Speaker 1: at my life, I love that me and you have
Speaker 1: memories from being in New York together, being in LA together,
Speaker 1: doing a project together, and in my romantic relationship, it's
Speaker 1: the same thing. It's like, I've been with this woman
Speaker 1: when I had nothing, when I was broke. I was like,
Speaker 1: I hear and I value that, right. And someone may say, Jay,
Speaker 1: that's soft, Like I don't value that at all, and
Speaker 1: that's cool, Like I respect that. You may say you
Speaker 1: don't value history, you value a one night stand, and
Speaker 1: that's great, Like there's nothing wrong with that. But I
Speaker 1: think you've got to know what you value. And I
Speaker 1: love that you value peace, and I love that you
Speaker 1: equate a committed relationship to peace. And yeah, and some
Speaker 1: people might say, well, every relationship about been stressful, So
Speaker 1: I'm going to value being single and having surface conversations
Speaker 1: or surface interactions of intimacy that aren't scary to go deeper, right,
Speaker 1: whether it could be heartbreak or pain or frustration or
Speaker 1: whatever it is. And that's your season, you know, that's
Speaker 1: your way you value, but I definitely value intimacy connection.
Speaker 1: There's nothing worse than accomplishing like your greatest goals and
Speaker 1: then being in a hotel room by yourself and being like,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna you know whom I call to celebrate this
Speaker 1: with's no one like with you in the journey and
Speaker 1: you with them exactly. It's really cool to be there
Speaker 1: for each other and it's something i'd value with you know,
Speaker 1: Martha being inspired by what she's creating, and she's inspired
Speaker 1: what I'm creating. The mutual respect and inspiration. And I
Speaker 1: know you and Roddy the same way. So powerful conversation
Speaker 1: Onward Therapy Part two. If you guys enjoyed this, leave
Speaker 1: it yes and the comments below makes you subscribe to
Speaker 1: Jay Shetty's podcast and Apple Spotify on YouTube, subscribe on YouTube,
Speaker 1: all of our social media and let us know which
Speaker 1: part of this you enjoyed the most and leave a
Speaker 1: comment of what you'd like us to talk about on
Speaker 1: the next episode of this Awkward Therapy Conversation. Also, the
Speaker 1: call to action is to find someone to have the
Speaker 1: same conversation with. Ask them this question, can you be
Speaker 1: with one person for the rest of your life? Send
Speaker 1: them this audio or this video and have them watch
Speaker 1: or listen to this and then have the discussion with
Speaker 1: them shortly after and let us know your thoughts. We'd
Speaker 1: love to hear your thoughts on this. Thank you so
Speaker 1: much for watching everyone. I want to make sure that
Speaker 1: you think about what is your value right now in relationships? Like,
Speaker 1: think about it, whether you're single, whether you're in a relationship,
Speaker 1: whether you've been married, whether you've just broken up. What
Speaker 1: is the current value in your life that you're looking
Speaker 1: for and what does that require? Does that require you
Speaker 1: to be single, does that require you to be in
Speaker 1: a relationship, and what type of relationship? Leave your value
Speaker 1: in the comments below, let us know what your values are.
Speaker 1: Let us know topics that you want us to dive
Speaker 1: into deeper. Maybe there was something that we didn't quite
Speaker 1: get into and you're like, please, please, please talk a
Speaker 1: bit more about that. We will do that. I want
Speaker 1: to make sure that you follow the School of Greatness
Speaker 1: and Lewis House across social media, YouTube, Apple podcasts, Spotify podcast.
Speaker 1: Make sure you subscribe to know that you don't miss
Speaker 1: out on one of these episodes that we're doing together.
Speaker 1: We're so grateful to have you. Make sure that you
Speaker 1: go and find someone to share this conversation with and
Speaker 1: have your awkward conversation of your own, like we want
Speaker 1: you to get awkward. Thank you for listening watching us today,
Speaker 1: and we'll see you on the next one.