1 00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:02,639 Speaker 1: You don't get to have an amazing relationship with someone 2 00:00:02,720 --> 00:00:05,960 Speaker 1: because of a promise or a commitment. You get to 3 00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:08,680 Speaker 1: do it because you renewed that promise and commitment on 4 00:00:08,720 --> 00:00:11,959 Speaker 1: a daily, weekly, monthly basis, not because you want to 5 00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:14,720 Speaker 1: extend the years you've been together, but because you want 6 00:00:14,720 --> 00:00:24,560 Speaker 1: to extend the growth. Hey, everyone, welcome back to awkward therapy. 7 00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:28,360 Speaker 1: Taboo topics, uncomfortable conversation. We don't even have a name 8 00:00:28,360 --> 00:00:30,840 Speaker 1: of every but we just know that we're doing something 9 00:00:30,880 --> 00:00:34,600 Speaker 1: that's uncomfortable, awkward, and difficult. But I'm doing with my 10 00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:37,479 Speaker 1: dear friend Lewis House, who I admire, I learned so 11 00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:41,080 Speaker 1: much from who we have these fascinating conversations with every 12 00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:43,960 Speaker 1: month for hours and hours and hours, and we find 13 00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:46,800 Speaker 1: it really useful to go back and forth and just 14 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:51,839 Speaker 1: dissect a topic. So today's topic is something that I 15 00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:54,840 Speaker 1: think's going to interest a lot of people because we're 16 00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:56,480 Speaker 1: trying to ask questions that we all have in our 17 00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:58,880 Speaker 1: heads but no one ever says out loud because it's 18 00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:02,560 Speaker 1: kind of scary. It's it's hard to talk about the controversial, 19 00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:05,760 Speaker 1: especially if you're in a relationship. Today's one is a 20 00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:09,520 Speaker 1: scary one to ask and these are two men in relationships. 21 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:12,520 Speaker 1: I've been married and with my wife for nearly ten 22 00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:14,600 Speaker 1: years now, so that's a long time. You're in a 23 00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:17,080 Speaker 1: relationship that you're very happy, maybe your girlfriend, Marty, and 24 00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:19,800 Speaker 1: I'm so happy to see you both happy, but we're 25 00:01:19,840 --> 00:01:22,759 Speaker 1: also both reflecting on these things. So the question is, 26 00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:25,160 Speaker 1: or the question we're starting with and then we'll kind 27 00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:28,679 Speaker 1: of get lost in it, is is it possible to 28 00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:34,640 Speaker 1: be exclusive with and love one person for your entire life? 29 00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:39,520 Speaker 1: For your life? Right? That's so we put it out there. Yeah, yeah, 30 00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:41,720 Speaker 1: and we want to encourage you to have this conversation, 31 00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:44,840 Speaker 1: so you know, with people at work, with people at home, 32 00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:48,440 Speaker 1: maybe not with your partner. Maybe maybe maybe that's a 33 00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:52,440 Speaker 1: good thing. Yeah, we want to encourage you to share 34 00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:54,320 Speaker 1: this with one person that you think it would be 35 00:01:54,360 --> 00:01:56,960 Speaker 1: interesting to have this conversation with. Maybe that is your 36 00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:59,640 Speaker 1: partner or a friend or whatever, maybe your parents, maybe 37 00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:02,920 Speaker 1: your parents, and listen to this, share this conversation with 38 00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:06,360 Speaker 1: one person and set a time to have a discussion 39 00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:09,200 Speaker 1: about what you heard, what you liked, maybe what you 40 00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:13,120 Speaker 1: didn't like from this conversation, and share with us in 41 00:02:13,160 --> 00:02:17,320 Speaker 1: the comments below and this channel. What was the most 42 00:02:17,320 --> 00:02:21,120 Speaker 1: interesting thing or what you'd add to this. I think, yeah, 43 00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:23,440 Speaker 1: I love that. And by the way, the reason why 44 00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:25,519 Speaker 1: this is called awkward therapy is both me and Lewis 45 00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:28,840 Speaker 1: not therapists. We're not. We're trying to figure life out 46 00:02:28,919 --> 00:02:31,359 Speaker 1: and we believe that having opened an honest conversations help 47 00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:33,480 Speaker 1: us do that because you get to hear things from 48 00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:37,640 Speaker 1: another perspective and you get to just think about something 49 00:02:37,639 --> 00:02:40,280 Speaker 1: for a lot longer than like the second you make decisions. 50 00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:42,880 Speaker 1: So anyway, I mean, let's dive in. I think, so, 51 00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:46,880 Speaker 1: what's the answer can you do that? I first think 52 00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:50,680 Speaker 1: of when we grew up. Yeah, we watch a lot 53 00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:56,040 Speaker 1: of movies that would portray this fantasy or this ideal 54 00:02:56,120 --> 00:03:00,000 Speaker 1: let's call it, that you find the prince or the princess, 55 00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:03,640 Speaker 1: you marry and it's happily ever after. And then in 56 00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:07,080 Speaker 1: the real world things happen. People move town, you get 57 00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:09,680 Speaker 1: an opportunity, who work somewhere, you have to do long distance, 58 00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:13,000 Speaker 1: and there's challenges. There was a breakup that someone had 59 00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:16,600 Speaker 1: and they're still lingering in the new conversation and they're 60 00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:19,720 Speaker 1: talking to their ex or things just happen in life, 61 00:03:20,160 --> 00:03:23,000 Speaker 1: or you're just on Instagram and you get distracted by 62 00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:25,480 Speaker 1: and you think that everyone else is better than the 63 00:03:25,560 --> 00:03:29,200 Speaker 1: relationship you have. There's all these shiny opportunities, right, or 64 00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:31,600 Speaker 1: these different people that could bring you more joy or 65 00:03:31,639 --> 00:03:34,800 Speaker 1: love than in the current relationship. And you and I 66 00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:39,480 Speaker 1: both have friends that are in let's call it open relationships. 67 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:42,560 Speaker 1: I guess you call polyamory, right, where they have multiple 68 00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:44,520 Speaker 1: partners or you have one main partner and you have 69 00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:49,160 Speaker 1: multiple relationships. And we both know people that have been 70 00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:54,400 Speaker 1: married for a long time, decades who are happily married. 71 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:56,760 Speaker 1: We both know people that have been married for decades 72 00:03:56,800 --> 00:04:02,200 Speaker 1: and are unhappily married. And so I guess I mean, 73 00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:04,880 Speaker 1: I think what you said sparked something for me. Like 74 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:09,600 Speaker 1: I grew up as a hopeless romantic based on movies 75 00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:13,720 Speaker 1: and music, so I always believe that there's the one, 76 00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:17,560 Speaker 1: and I wanted this big romantic relationship. And I love 77 00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:22,000 Speaker 1: like flowers and like poetry and like long walks and 78 00:04:22,080 --> 00:04:26,479 Speaker 1: surprises and gifts because I brought into what Hollywood showed me. 79 00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:29,160 Speaker 1: So for me, I think for a long period of 80 00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:32,520 Speaker 1: my life, I believed that love was what I saw 81 00:04:32,520 --> 00:04:35,440 Speaker 1: in the movies. And I know that sounds ridiculous, but 82 00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:38,440 Speaker 1: in my teens, I would say that was massively what 83 00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:41,039 Speaker 1: I saw, and I would watch American movies, so people 84 00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:43,440 Speaker 1: getting asked out to prom or like was like a 85 00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:46,719 Speaker 1: big deal in American movies, or whether it's like finding 86 00:04:46,760 --> 00:04:51,880 Speaker 1: that one person who's gonna solve everything right, and then 87 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:54,240 Speaker 1: you start recognizing that, oh, wait a minute, I had 88 00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:56,960 Speaker 1: a few relationships that look like that on the outside, 89 00:04:57,279 --> 00:04:59,400 Speaker 1: but then they didn't feel that way. Or wait a minute, 90 00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:01,880 Speaker 1: I've had a few a cups now, or wait a minute, 91 00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:04,120 Speaker 1: like I thought this person was the one, but they weren't. 92 00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:06,599 Speaker 1: And then you start recognizing, now that I've been in 93 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:10,280 Speaker 1: a long relationship, long term relationship, you start realizing love 94 00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:13,520 Speaker 1: looks completely different. And so I think for me, the 95 00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:15,559 Speaker 1: way I address this or the way I think about 96 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:18,279 Speaker 1: this is that first of all, you have to define 97 00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:22,120 Speaker 1: what love means to you and what you want love 98 00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:25,760 Speaker 1: to be. For some people, they just want love to 99 00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:32,000 Speaker 1: feel like attraction, infatuation, desire, And if that's how you 100 00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:35,880 Speaker 1: define love, chances are you're going to want a new 101 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:39,520 Speaker 1: person every month or every year because desire or that 102 00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:46,200 Speaker 1: type of chemical desire explosiveness fades eventually. The study showed 103 00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:48,159 Speaker 1: that too and I'm not saying that you can't have 104 00:05:48,279 --> 00:05:50,600 Speaker 1: desire for someone I know. I know one couple has 105 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:52,680 Speaker 1: been married for like thirty years and they would still 106 00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:54,880 Speaker 1: say they have that I love. I think, yeah, there's 107 00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:57,400 Speaker 1: different levels of desire. There's like a conscious, healthy desire 108 00:05:57,880 --> 00:06:01,039 Speaker 1: where you admire, respect, you're inspired fired by, and that 109 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:04,359 Speaker 1: creates that chemistry in that whether you want to call 110 00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:06,800 Speaker 1: it sexual desire or whatever desire you create in your 111 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:11,599 Speaker 1: intimacy and relationship. But the explosive like unhealthy desire I 112 00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:14,839 Speaker 1: feel like only comes when you're kind of trauma bonding 113 00:06:14,839 --> 00:06:17,400 Speaker 1: each other, like early on, right, you see something and 114 00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:19,560 Speaker 1: you're like, I want that, But then there was never 115 00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:23,240 Speaker 1: like a foundation of values, what you really want in 116 00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:27,400 Speaker 1: your life together, agreements, you know, this conscious conversation around 117 00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:30,960 Speaker 1: being a couple. Yes, yes, And I would say one 118 00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:32,640 Speaker 1: thing you said, which is really interesting to me because 119 00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:37,080 Speaker 1: I think it's another societal narrative, is that the desire fades. 120 00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:40,760 Speaker 1: And really what we both know that desire deepens, like 121 00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:43,400 Speaker 1: it becomes about deepen absolutely, and so it's not that 122 00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:46,240 Speaker 1: it goes away, it's just that it evolves. But if 123 00:06:46,279 --> 00:06:50,120 Speaker 1: you are only into that initial desire and I remember 124 00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:54,000 Speaker 1: for a long time. I mean, my greatest joy came 125 00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:57,680 Speaker 1: from the pursuit and the chase and the conquest, pre 126 00:06:57,839 --> 00:07:00,280 Speaker 1: month life. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, I got a lot yeah, 127 00:07:00,279 --> 00:07:02,760 Speaker 1: pre month life. So I got a lot of joy 128 00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:07,120 Speaker 1: out of wanting to see if I could get someone 129 00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:09,240 Speaker 1: like that was the mindset, yeah, because that was the 130 00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:11,480 Speaker 1: mindset that I was brought up in. Now, of course, 131 00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:13,560 Speaker 1: when I look back at this, I don't believe in 132 00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:15,840 Speaker 1: that as a value. I don't think. I don't think 133 00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:18,760 Speaker 1: women or anyone as something to get. But I think 134 00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:21,440 Speaker 1: growing up as a teenager who wasn't exposed to any 135 00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:24,040 Speaker 1: form of wisdom or insight, you grow up with that 136 00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:27,160 Speaker 1: mentality of like, you're only trying to prove it to yourself, 137 00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:29,720 Speaker 1: that's what you Or you're like buddies or something to 138 00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:31,760 Speaker 1: be like, oh this person's into me, or luck what 139 00:07:31,920 --> 00:07:33,760 Speaker 1: you know, which ultimately is you trying to prove to 140 00:07:33,840 --> 00:07:36,960 Speaker 1: yourself that you are worthy so your friends respect you, 141 00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:40,120 Speaker 1: and so now you're going out to obtain this thing. 142 00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:42,720 Speaker 1: So how long were you doing that up until? Like 143 00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:46,760 Speaker 1: how old were you when you stopped the chase? Twenty one? 144 00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:53,680 Speaker 1: Like twenty one? Better man than me? What I realized 145 00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:58,640 Speaker 1: was that there was a lot of fun to the chase, right, 146 00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:04,000 Speaker 1: They're so fun. It's like this addictive drug is like, 147 00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:08,680 Speaker 1: there is someone out there that I'm attracted to or 148 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:10,480 Speaker 1: has something that I want or I want to be 149 00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:14,120 Speaker 1: in contact with them, whether that's a relationship or a 150 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:18,040 Speaker 1: hook up or whatever might being right, and then the 151 00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:23,800 Speaker 1: attempt to go after I guess accomplishing this feat is 152 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:27,520 Speaker 1: like a drug. It is like this chemical drug that 153 00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:30,840 Speaker 1: makes you kind of obsessive about it right until you 154 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:33,160 Speaker 1: get it, and then when you get it from a 155 00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:36,640 Speaker 1: place that is unconscious. It never was fulfilling or rewarding 156 00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:39,360 Speaker 1: for me, right, and it was creating a foundation from 157 00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:42,680 Speaker 1: something that wasn't based on values, vision, lifestyle things like 158 00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:46,240 Speaker 1: that that never worked out for me. It was never healthy. 159 00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:47,839 Speaker 1: It might have been fun for six months, or it 160 00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:49,640 Speaker 1: might have been some good intentions here and there, but 161 00:08:49,679 --> 00:08:53,080 Speaker 1: it never long term worked out because there wasn't a 162 00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:56,839 Speaker 1: foundation of a conscious relationship being developed. And I think 163 00:08:56,880 --> 00:08:59,280 Speaker 1: that's what you did with Roddy, Like when you got 164 00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:02,760 Speaker 1: out of them the Monk Life and you started the 165 00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:05,240 Speaker 1: relationship with Roddy, You guys started from the beginning. What 166 00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:08,319 Speaker 1: you've told me is about here are my values, Here's 167 00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:11,160 Speaker 1: my mission. I'm on a mission to be impactful and 168 00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:13,839 Speaker 1: served humanity. This is the type of marriage I want 169 00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:15,679 Speaker 1: to create, This is the type of life I want 170 00:09:15,679 --> 00:09:17,240 Speaker 1: to have. This is some of the stuff I remember 171 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:20,239 Speaker 1: you're telling me. And I think going into a relationship 172 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:24,280 Speaker 1: with conscious conversations is probably one of the only ways 173 00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:27,760 Speaker 1: to set yourself up to win for a lifetime together. Yeah, 174 00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:30,600 Speaker 1: if you want that. And I know a lot of 175 00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:32,480 Speaker 1: I know a lot of people who say to me, well, 176 00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:35,320 Speaker 1: I enjoy the chase in the pursuit like I did. 177 00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:38,400 Speaker 1: And you pretty much want a new person every month, 178 00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:41,200 Speaker 1: right for men at least or men that I know, 179 00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:45,360 Speaker 1: where you kind of can get bored quickly. Someone entertains 180 00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:46,880 Speaker 1: you for a few months, and then after that you 181 00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:49,800 Speaker 1: need something new and you need to chase again, and 182 00:09:49,800 --> 00:09:51,560 Speaker 1: the drug again, which is a great definition, and you 183 00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:54,600 Speaker 1: keep moving and moving and moving, and then the individual 184 00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:58,480 Speaker 1: has to decide. I think the choices do I want 185 00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:02,240 Speaker 1: a long term relationship ship or do I not? And 186 00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:06,520 Speaker 1: there are gifts and pain points in both, Like there 187 00:10:06,559 --> 00:10:10,240 Speaker 1: are really exciting, amazing things about getting someone new every 188 00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:12,760 Speaker 1: few months, and there are really painful parts about it, 189 00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:15,640 Speaker 1: And then there's loads of amazing things about being with 190 00:10:15,679 --> 00:10:17,480 Speaker 1: someone for a long amount of time, or at least 191 00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:19,520 Speaker 1: long for me is ten years, because that's the longest 192 00:10:19,559 --> 00:10:21,920 Speaker 1: I've ever done with someone, But then there are loads 193 00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:24,679 Speaker 1: of challenging parts about that. And I think everyone just 194 00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:27,600 Speaker 1: has to know what type of life they're signing up for. 195 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:31,520 Speaker 1: And that's why we're having this conversation because I don't 196 00:10:31,559 --> 00:10:35,560 Speaker 1: think that you have to love one person for the 197 00:10:35,559 --> 00:10:37,680 Speaker 1: rest of your life. I don't think someone shouldn't be 198 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:41,960 Speaker 1: forced to believe that's the only way life works, especially 199 00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:44,760 Speaker 1: because some people dedicate their life to someone, then that 200 00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:49,600 Speaker 1: person leaves them, whether naturally or unnaturally, someone leaves them 201 00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:52,280 Speaker 1: because there's infidelity or whatever there may be. And the 202 00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:55,600 Speaker 1: point is that you can't force someone to say there 203 00:10:55,679 --> 00:10:59,199 Speaker 1: is only one person. And I think often the institutions 204 00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:03,640 Speaker 1: of the world, marriage and religion often kind of enforced 205 00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:06,320 Speaker 1: people to believe that when you got married at twenty one, 206 00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:07,760 Speaker 1: you got to be with this person with the rest 207 00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:10,199 Speaker 1: of your life, or you're a failure correct or you've 208 00:11:10,240 --> 00:11:14,000 Speaker 1: made mistakes, or you something something's wrong with you. Yeah, 209 00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:15,480 Speaker 1: And I think that's one of the things why people 210 00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:20,000 Speaker 1: stay in a relationship for way too long because they 211 00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:22,200 Speaker 1: don't want to be something made, a mistake or something 212 00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:24,160 Speaker 1: wrong with them. So they try and try and try 213 00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:26,640 Speaker 1: to make it work. And maybe they could have made 214 00:11:26,640 --> 00:11:29,160 Speaker 1: it work, but they just weren't an alignment or something. 215 00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:31,200 Speaker 1: But a lot of people I think are in shame 216 00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:33,679 Speaker 1: when they get a divorce, or they're in guilt, or 217 00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:38,240 Speaker 1: they're in sadness for this loss because it didn't work out. 218 00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:42,000 Speaker 1: They weren't who they thought they were. Something happened, right. 219 00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:44,560 Speaker 1: It's a lot I've seen people who have been through divorce. 220 00:11:44,640 --> 00:11:47,160 Speaker 1: It's not fun any Just a breakup is not fun, 221 00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:49,600 Speaker 1: even if you got married or not. People go through 222 00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:52,880 Speaker 1: breakups and struggle for a long time, it seems like. 223 00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:56,080 Speaker 1: So relationships can be messy for sure. Yeah, But what 224 00:11:56,160 --> 00:12:02,480 Speaker 1: I have discovered in one year of yeah, well one 225 00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:05,840 Speaker 1: and a half years of intense therapy starting a relationship. 226 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:08,080 Speaker 1: This has been something that I've never done, but for 227 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:12,080 Speaker 1: the last ten years I've wanted to start a relationship 228 00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:14,760 Speaker 1: in therapy, and me and Martha started that when we 229 00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:17,440 Speaker 1: first started kind of hanging out. We weren't really dating 230 00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:18,880 Speaker 1: for the first few months. We just kind of want 231 00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:21,040 Speaker 1: to hang it out and she was dating other people. 232 00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:23,280 Speaker 1: I was dating other people or just kind of out 233 00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:28,120 Speaker 1: in the world. When we started getting more serious about it, 234 00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:30,679 Speaker 1: I was like, listen, I've always wanted to do this, 235 00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:34,439 Speaker 1: and I think it's a deal breaker if we don't 236 00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:37,320 Speaker 1: do this, because I just want to make sure that 237 00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:41,600 Speaker 1: we are setting ourselves up for success in terms of peace, joy, 238 00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:45,400 Speaker 1: and for me, success in a relationship is two individuals 239 00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:50,040 Speaker 1: independently living their lives and sharing their lives together. Like 240 00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:52,720 Speaker 1: she's gone for a couple of weeks working on a 241 00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:54,480 Speaker 1: project and a movie right now, and I'm in Los 242 00:12:54,559 --> 00:12:57,760 Speaker 1: Angeles doing my thing. I know with you and your wife, 243 00:12:57,800 --> 00:12:59,640 Speaker 1: she might be gone or you might be traveling, and 244 00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:02,160 Speaker 1: some times you're doing it together and sometimes to part 245 00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:06,000 Speaker 1: and having the freedom and flexibility to be yourself and 246 00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:09,040 Speaker 1: also be in a relationship. I think that's for me, 247 00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:12,360 Speaker 1: what a success at this season of my life. Maybe 248 00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:15,920 Speaker 1: in ten years it'll look like something different. Yeah, And 249 00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:18,760 Speaker 1: I think that's the point, right seeing life as seasons, 250 00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:21,880 Speaker 1: because you have to ask the question like why do 251 00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:25,760 Speaker 1: we think or why have you in this season decided 252 00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:29,160 Speaker 1: to be exclusive to one person? And I think often 253 00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:33,920 Speaker 1: we do that subconsciously. I don't think everyone intentionally thinks 254 00:13:34,679 --> 00:13:38,280 Speaker 1: I feel I'm ready for a long term relationship. Now. 255 00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:40,160 Speaker 1: I don't think we do that. I think we assume 256 00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:42,720 Speaker 1: that at one point you're meant to kind of get 257 00:13:42,760 --> 00:13:46,479 Speaker 1: into one and settle down, rather than the conscious choice, 258 00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:49,640 Speaker 1: or you're consciously avoiding that and you're going no, no, 259 00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:51,000 Speaker 1: no, no no no. The last thing I want to do 260 00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:52,600 Speaker 1: is get married or settled down or be in a 261 00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:55,040 Speaker 1: long term relationship. And so for me, it's like everyone 262 00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:56,920 Speaker 1: has to sit there and look in the mirror and go, 263 00:13:57,679 --> 00:14:00,640 Speaker 1: why do I want either right now? What's serves me 264 00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:04,120 Speaker 1: and what serves my vision and what serves what I'm 265 00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:05,920 Speaker 1: trying to do. That's what it is. And I think 266 00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:07,520 Speaker 1: when you go back to what is my vision for 267 00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:10,120 Speaker 1: my life and what do I really want? What will 268 00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:12,520 Speaker 1: support that vision at the highest level. If you're a 269 00:14:12,559 --> 00:14:16,920 Speaker 1: single guy and your vision is to be really focused 270 00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:19,480 Speaker 1: on your mission and your business and growth and your health, 271 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,920 Speaker 1: and if you're spreading your energy around ten different women 272 00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:25,080 Speaker 1: you're dating at once over a year or something, or 273 00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:28,040 Speaker 1: however many you want to date, there is a lot 274 00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:30,800 Speaker 1: of excitement to that lifestyle, But then you have to 275 00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:35,360 Speaker 1: unwind and essentially reject every person that you're not going 276 00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:38,360 Speaker 1: to be with. Ye. So there's like this unwinding, there's 277 00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:41,560 Speaker 1: this hurt phase. It's this phase where you're you know, 278 00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:47,240 Speaker 1: having challenging conversations and detaching from that intimacy of those connections. 279 00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:48,800 Speaker 1: And that's a lot of energy. It's a lot of 280 00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:51,520 Speaker 1: effort that's pulling you from your health or your other 281 00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:55,040 Speaker 1: relationships or building something deeper and more meaningful when you 282 00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:58,720 Speaker 1: have ten service level relationships as opposed to one deeper. 283 00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:02,840 Speaker 1: I have different friends who have tried the whole polyamory thing, 284 00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:05,960 Speaker 1: who have had multiple partners at the same time, who've 285 00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:08,040 Speaker 1: had one person and then other people in the side, 286 00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:14,200 Speaker 1: And I've never met one man who has successfully, i 287 00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:18,000 Speaker 1: mean had peace in their life, let's say, consistently over 288 00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:20,120 Speaker 1: years doing that. There might be a year or two 289 00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:23,760 Speaker 1: where it seems manageable, yeah, but then it's like there's 290 00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:26,760 Speaker 1: always a breakdown. Yeah. I've coached people and worked with 291 00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:29,760 Speaker 1: people in that space, and I've just found that it's 292 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:34,920 Speaker 1: hard enough with one with one person's emotions, yes, then 293 00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:36,240 Speaker 1: to deal with two. And this is what we do 294 00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:39,080 Speaker 1: as humans, which I find really interesting, is that we 295 00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:43,960 Speaker 1: make everything extreme. So we're so scared of codependency, so 296 00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:46,720 Speaker 1: therefore we go to polyamory, yeah, because we're like, I 297 00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:50,040 Speaker 1: don't want to be dependent on one person. So instead 298 00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:53,640 Speaker 1: of figuring out the trauma as to why I become codependent, 299 00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:56,720 Speaker 1: and instead of purifying and figuring out what it is 300 00:15:56,760 --> 00:16:00,560 Speaker 1: that makes me codependent, I just believe that an external 301 00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:05,080 Speaker 1: shell of being in a polyamous relationship will solve that. 302 00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:07,080 Speaker 1: That's often the mindset of people that I've met. I'm 303 00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:10,560 Speaker 1: not saying that that's the only reason. I'm not saying that, Yeah, please, 304 00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:12,440 Speaker 1: hate is in the comments and control. It's like, I'm 305 00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:14,400 Speaker 1: not saying this is the only reason, And I'm just 306 00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:16,080 Speaker 1: saying that the people I've spoken to, they've said to 307 00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:18,960 Speaker 1: me that they were scared of being codependent. So they 308 00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:22,240 Speaker 1: believed if they had more partners than they wouldn't be codependent. Yeah, 309 00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:24,960 Speaker 1: or they'd get the excitement that they were missing in 310 00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:27,280 Speaker 1: their relationship. They wanted the relationship that would give them 311 00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:31,680 Speaker 1: support and peace and structure. But if they were missing 312 00:16:31,760 --> 00:16:34,480 Speaker 1: the excitement, Okay, let me go find the excitement somewhere else. 313 00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:37,240 Speaker 1: And for me, that made a lot of sense. In 314 00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:40,720 Speaker 1: my twenties, thinking that way because I was just like, oh, 315 00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:42,560 Speaker 1: I don't know if you could do this with one person. 316 00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:44,520 Speaker 1: For a long time, that was probably one of my 317 00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:47,479 Speaker 1: biggest fears, that I would be in love with someone 318 00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:52,960 Speaker 1: or love someone consciously, but that sexual desire, that exciting 319 00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:55,880 Speaker 1: feeling that happens in the first whatever three to six 320 00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:59,080 Speaker 1: nine months, I wouldn't have with a person once I 321 00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:02,400 Speaker 1: was married with them, when I'd feel trapped. Yeah, I 322 00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:05,600 Speaker 1: had to really heal a lot of things from childhood 323 00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:11,320 Speaker 1: that built that script or narrative to realize that it's 324 00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:18,560 Speaker 1: possible with conscious effort to create connection, chemistry, desire with 325 00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:22,840 Speaker 1: one person if they're the right person in alignment also 326 00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:25,679 Speaker 1: doing the conscious work. And that's where I said, like, 327 00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:29,440 Speaker 1: I need to start therapy so that we have agreements, 328 00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:33,000 Speaker 1: so I can feel peaceful, to be myself my full 329 00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:36,920 Speaker 1: expression and dive into the relationship with curiosity and fun 330 00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:41,360 Speaker 1: and excitement and desire in the relationship. And so far 331 00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:47,959 Speaker 1: it's been extraordinary in the process of therapy before problems. Yeah, absolutely. 332 00:17:48,119 --> 00:17:49,800 Speaker 1: I don't know if it's something that you guys did, 333 00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:51,960 Speaker 1: or if you did something like that where you had 334 00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:55,399 Speaker 1: conscious conversations about kids or what happens with money and 335 00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:57,760 Speaker 1: all these different things. Before marriage was that something And 336 00:17:57,800 --> 00:17:59,800 Speaker 1: I don't think they have a stop, but there's important 337 00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,679 Speaker 1: to have before and before I get there. I think 338 00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:05,879 Speaker 1: there was one thing about the that I wanted to 339 00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:10,040 Speaker 1: mention about polyamory is that it's it's not that basically 340 00:18:10,080 --> 00:18:14,800 Speaker 1: there's no external shell that's going to solve your internal 341 00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:18,560 Speaker 1: trauma and pain. So whether you're with one person or 342 00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:21,919 Speaker 1: whether you're with three or two or four people, neither 343 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:24,600 Speaker 1: of those are the cure. But you can't say to 344 00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:26,920 Speaker 1: someone like being with one person and being married to 345 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:30,360 Speaker 1: them is the cure for your pain and trauma, or 346 00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,840 Speaker 1: that if you have two people then you won't be codependent, 347 00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:35,359 Speaker 1: Like that doesn't solve it. And so you've got to 348 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:37,120 Speaker 1: figure out what is it again that I really want? 349 00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:39,879 Speaker 1: And so for me and rather like I, all I 350 00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:44,840 Speaker 1: can ever do is be honest about where I'm at 351 00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:47,720 Speaker 1: and what I want at that time, in this moment, 352 00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:51,040 Speaker 1: in this moment, because if you made a promise your 353 00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:53,280 Speaker 1: wedding day about ten years and that's why I don't 354 00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:56,840 Speaker 1: think it's a promise. I think it's an ongoing conversation 355 00:18:57,640 --> 00:19:00,640 Speaker 1: that is always changing and evolving it's not a commitment 356 00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:03,760 Speaker 1: or a promise. It's not saying I am definitely up 357 00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:07,520 Speaker 1: for this. It's saying I am open to this, I'm 358 00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:10,200 Speaker 1: considering this, or I'm closed to this, this is not 359 00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:12,680 Speaker 1: what I want. So if someone knows they don't want 360 00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:15,399 Speaker 1: to have children, but they never talk about that with 361 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:18,520 Speaker 1: someone who they know wants to have children because you're 362 00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:21,800 Speaker 1: scared of raising that, that's unhealthy because that is going 363 00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:24,640 Speaker 1: to come up one day. Or if your desire long 364 00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:27,359 Speaker 1: term is to live in another city or country, but 365 00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:31,000 Speaker 1: you've not made someone aware that that's what you're considering. 366 00:19:31,359 --> 00:19:32,960 Speaker 1: And so I don't think this is about this is 367 00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:35,880 Speaker 1: what I want and this is my promise. It's more 368 00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:39,199 Speaker 1: just saying this is kind of how I imagine my life, right, like, 369 00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:41,560 Speaker 1: this is kind of how I think about it. Things change, 370 00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:45,040 Speaker 1: people change, and all these different things. I think Patrick 371 00:19:45,119 --> 00:19:47,399 Speaker 1: bet David said this. I can't remember where he said this, 372 00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:50,400 Speaker 1: but I believe he said like every year around New 373 00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:53,000 Speaker 1: Year's or Christmas. I think this was him where he 374 00:19:53,040 --> 00:19:54,760 Speaker 1: says he and his wife get together and say, did 375 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:56,360 Speaker 1: we want to do this for one more year? Yeah? 376 00:19:56,720 --> 00:20:00,359 Speaker 1: And what worked this year? What didn't work? How can 377 00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:01,600 Speaker 1: we make it better, and do we want to do 378 00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:03,679 Speaker 1: this for one more year as opposed to for the 379 00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:06,359 Speaker 1: rest of our lives? Like thinking all the way fifty 380 00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:09,960 Speaker 1: years away, ye, can seem kind of daunting for some people. 381 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,639 Speaker 1: And I think that's an interesting approach, and I think 382 00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:14,959 Speaker 1: it could be like, you know, every day, what are 383 00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:18,600 Speaker 1: we greatful for? Was there something that was off today 384 00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:21,639 Speaker 1: that we can address so that it always is improving 385 00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:25,880 Speaker 1: and growing in and a conversation of growth every day, 386 00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:28,439 Speaker 1: once a week, once a month, every year, like be 387 00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:31,640 Speaker 1: having the conversation is the key. I think making a 388 00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:36,800 Speaker 1: lifelong decision is a recipe for failure. What is it anything? 389 00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:40,760 Speaker 1: Forget loving another person? What could you say that you're 390 00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:43,760 Speaker 1: going to do every day for the rest of your life, 391 00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:46,800 Speaker 1: apart from shower and brush your teeth and breathe and breathe? Like, 392 00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:49,159 Speaker 1: what is there that you could truly say, hand on 393 00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:51,560 Speaker 1: your heart that you know you're able to maintain. I 394 00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:57,080 Speaker 1: don't think there's anything so to create that promise really starts. 395 00:20:57,119 --> 00:20:59,720 Speaker 1: And I do something similar more regularly with RADI where 396 00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:02,040 Speaker 1: I always check in with rather and be like, is 397 00:21:02,080 --> 00:21:05,320 Speaker 1: this the relationship you want? Is this going in the 398 00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:07,520 Speaker 1: direction you want. It's a great question is it going 399 00:21:07,560 --> 00:21:10,120 Speaker 1: in the way I want? Because if it isn't, are 400 00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:13,479 Speaker 1: we willing to change? And if we're not willing to change, 401 00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:16,800 Speaker 1: then where does this go? And I think doing that 402 00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:20,760 Speaker 1: regularly every couple of weeks, every month, every three months, 403 00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:24,159 Speaker 1: every quarter turn it into a thoughtful process. To me, 404 00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:29,000 Speaker 1: that's really healthy because it gives you the incremental, intricate 405 00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:32,080 Speaker 1: moments to say, Okay, well I don't like how this 406 00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:34,359 Speaker 1: is going. And there were days in our relationships, certain 407 00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:36,560 Speaker 1: years where I'd said to rather like, I'm like, this 408 00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:39,080 Speaker 1: is not the relationship I want, really, and this is 409 00:21:39,119 --> 00:21:42,200 Speaker 1: what I'm willing to do for it to change? Are 410 00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:45,400 Speaker 1: you willing to do so? To hear that, I think 411 00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:47,639 Speaker 1: this is after you're married. This is after we're married. 412 00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:53,639 Speaker 1: I think that we establish those awkward conversations and uncomfortable 413 00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:58,359 Speaker 1: conversations early and so it's continued to be easy to 414 00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:01,160 Speaker 1: have them. But what I found is just the realness 415 00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:04,199 Speaker 1: of a human Often her response will be well, I 416 00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:07,440 Speaker 1: need to think about that, like, I don't know, I'm unaware, 417 00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:11,399 Speaker 1: I'm not sure, and that requires patience, and that requires 418 00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:15,720 Speaker 1: waiting and so many other uncomfortable feelings but you have. 419 00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:18,400 Speaker 1: My point is if you don't do that, you're basically 420 00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:20,919 Speaker 1: living a life for years and years and years. And 421 00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:23,520 Speaker 1: I always find this fascinating that when someone gets divorced 422 00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:28,480 Speaker 1: or when someone breaks up, everyone's surprised apart from those 423 00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:30,880 Speaker 1: two people, they're like two years in the making because 424 00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:33,000 Speaker 1: they know what's going on, right, And people may be 425 00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:36,080 Speaker 1: shocked and they may not be happy with it, but really, 426 00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:39,040 Speaker 1: deep down, you know, you've just been going along with 427 00:22:39,080 --> 00:22:42,200 Speaker 1: the default. And so I find that having that conversation 428 00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:47,520 Speaker 1: more regularly allows you to pivot or for some people part, yes, 429 00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:50,399 Speaker 1: but I don't think if you don't have that conversation, 430 00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:53,480 Speaker 1: then the pivot or the part is less likely. My therapist, 431 00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:56,840 Speaker 1: but also Martha and I are doing individual and then 432 00:22:56,920 --> 00:22:59,840 Speaker 1: together at certain times right, which has been extremely helpful 433 00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:03,000 Speaker 1: to have separation as well, where I can just continue 434 00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:06,119 Speaker 1: to heal my healing journey from my own stuff, she 435 00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:07,760 Speaker 1: can do her own work, and then we can do 436 00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:12,520 Speaker 1: relationship work together. It's really beautiful experiences. What our therapist 437 00:23:12,560 --> 00:23:17,359 Speaker 1: and coach says is relationships should be about high engagement, 438 00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:21,320 Speaker 1: low attachment. You know, high engagement, Atta, and she's like, 439 00:23:21,359 --> 00:23:23,480 Speaker 1: that's the hardest thing to do. That's like the ultimate 440 00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:26,639 Speaker 1: challenge is high engagement, low attachment, And a lot of 441 00:23:26,680 --> 00:23:30,280 Speaker 1: times in my past, speaking for myself, it was high engagement, 442 00:23:30,359 --> 00:23:34,880 Speaker 1: high attachment or low engagement, high attachment to the result 443 00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:37,679 Speaker 1: to it working out, and kind of giving in and 444 00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:41,880 Speaker 1: abandoning myself just to try to make it work. And 445 00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:46,040 Speaker 1: when I learned how to heal from a lot of 446 00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:48,320 Speaker 1: different stuff from previous relationships and just learn how to 447 00:23:48,359 --> 00:23:52,399 Speaker 1: heal my own childhood wounds, it was easier for me 448 00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:55,840 Speaker 1: to make decisions and be less attached to the result 449 00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:58,679 Speaker 1: and just say this is my vision, this is the 450 00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:01,600 Speaker 1: type of relationship. And so with Martha and me, early on, 451 00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:04,680 Speaker 1: I was like, here's my vision, here are my values, 452 00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:07,359 Speaker 1: here's the lifestyle one I have for at least the 453 00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:11,040 Speaker 1: foreseeable next few years and the next five to ten years. 454 00:24:11,119 --> 00:24:14,400 Speaker 1: What I my intention is. By coming from that space, 455 00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:16,919 Speaker 1: I was completely clear, and I was like, there's a 456 00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:18,480 Speaker 1: lot of things you may not like what I'm about 457 00:24:18,520 --> 00:24:20,080 Speaker 1: to say, but I'm gonna tell you one hundred percent 458 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:22,359 Speaker 1: of the the truth. I'm not going to give in on 459 00:24:22,440 --> 00:24:25,199 Speaker 1: my truth and I'm not going to sacrifice if you 460 00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:27,040 Speaker 1: want me to change a bunch of things because it 461 00:24:27,040 --> 00:24:31,200 Speaker 1: doesn't make you happy, then we're just not an alignment. Yeah, 462 00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:34,600 Speaker 1: thankfully she loved all the things about my values, vision 463 00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:37,159 Speaker 1: of lifestyle moving forward. It's also kind of revealing all 464 00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:39,520 Speaker 1: the things I'm not proud of from the past. It's like, oh, 465 00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:41,720 Speaker 1: this is how I was and this relationship and this relationship, 466 00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:45,040 Speaker 1: and I had to learn a lot and revealed that 467 00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:47,400 Speaker 1: as well to not act like I'm the perfect one. 468 00:24:48,359 --> 00:24:51,960 Speaker 1: It allowed for more of a conscious foundation to be 469 00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:57,719 Speaker 1: started in our year of experience. Where you've had ten years, right, 470 00:24:57,760 --> 00:25:00,520 Speaker 1: ten years you've been together. Next year we'll I've had 471 00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:04,120 Speaker 1: I don't know ten failed relationships in my lifetime. You've 472 00:25:04,119 --> 00:25:09,440 Speaker 1: had ten years of a beautiful relationship, and you've had 473 00:25:09,560 --> 00:25:12,160 Speaker 1: different things that you said in the first few years 474 00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:16,120 Speaker 1: where you said, this isn't the type of relationship where 475 00:25:16,119 --> 00:25:18,119 Speaker 1: I wanted to be like it needs to. That's not 476 00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:20,600 Speaker 1: what I was into, and it's going in a different 477 00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:24,040 Speaker 1: direction than when I wanted. What would you say for me? 478 00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:27,480 Speaker 1: The biggest thing that I've learned was going into a 479 00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:31,120 Speaker 1: new relationship healing the wounds of the past, or being 480 00:25:31,119 --> 00:25:36,119 Speaker 1: on the healing journey and having conscious conversations early and 481 00:25:36,359 --> 00:25:39,920 Speaker 1: starting in therapy when there were no problems has been 482 00:25:40,040 --> 00:25:44,600 Speaker 1: extremely helpful for me in one year. Yeah, what would 483 00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:48,080 Speaker 1: you say a ten year has been extremely helpful for 484 00:25:48,119 --> 00:25:50,960 Speaker 1: you that you also wish you did in the first year, 485 00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:53,040 Speaker 1: or maybe you did do it and you're still doing it. Yeah. 486 00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:57,879 Speaker 1: I think it's the continuation. It's like when you plant 487 00:25:57,920 --> 00:26:00,800 Speaker 1: a seed, you water it, and you may as sunlight 488 00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:02,760 Speaker 1: and you make sure the soil is good. When it 489 00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:05,359 Speaker 1: becomes a tree, you still do all of those things. 490 00:26:05,359 --> 00:26:08,679 Speaker 1: You don't just stop right like, you don't stop like 491 00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:12,439 Speaker 1: just caring for it. The care might evolve and change, 492 00:26:12,560 --> 00:26:14,080 Speaker 1: like you don't need to water a tree in the 493 00:26:14,119 --> 00:26:16,879 Speaker 1: same way because it's it's roots there. But you can't 494 00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:19,840 Speaker 1: be completely negligent. I think the challenge we've created in 495 00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:23,440 Speaker 1: society is that we believe that a long relationship is 496 00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:27,639 Speaker 1: a successful one. And really my definition of a relationship 497 00:26:27,760 --> 00:26:31,639 Speaker 1: is are we growing together? Are we thriving together? And 498 00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:36,240 Speaker 1: are we learning from each other? Yes? Are we growing together? 499 00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:39,359 Speaker 1: Are we thriving together? And are we learning from each other? 500 00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:43,800 Speaker 1: If I'm not doing that with you anymore, then if 501 00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:46,000 Speaker 1: we're not, and then the question is are you willing 502 00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:48,880 Speaker 1: to change something in order to do that. And if 503 00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:51,359 Speaker 1: you're not, and I think you have to be. I 504 00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:53,199 Speaker 1: think the challenges, and I've heard you talk about this, 505 00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:56,200 Speaker 1: I think the challenges. No matter how long a relationship gets, 506 00:26:56,600 --> 00:27:00,199 Speaker 1: you have to be open to the fact that you 507 00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:02,119 Speaker 1: could get to a point with someone where there's no 508 00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:04,679 Speaker 1: more growth, no more learning, and no more thriving. And 509 00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:09,160 Speaker 1: that's that low attachment. Yes, he's recognizing that, just as 510 00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:12,440 Speaker 1: in a business relationship, you wouldn't stay in business with 511 00:27:12,480 --> 00:27:15,840 Speaker 1: someone if you weren't growing together, you weren't thriving together, 512 00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:18,040 Speaker 1: and you weren't learning together, and you want to keep 513 00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:20,760 Speaker 1: your business open. If you were in the negative year 514 00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:24,440 Speaker 1: after year, you weren't having fun, you didn't see opportunities 515 00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:29,120 Speaker 1: for growth, you're in an industry that was eliminating year 516 00:27:29,119 --> 00:27:32,320 Speaker 1: after year, you'd be like, Okay, maybe this had its season, 517 00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:36,200 Speaker 1: correct and it's time to find a new business to work. 518 00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:38,320 Speaker 1: And I'm just not saying you need to say, well, 519 00:27:38,320 --> 00:27:40,199 Speaker 1: maybe this person's had its season or this and this. 520 00:27:40,440 --> 00:27:44,320 Speaker 1: But going back to the original conversation, can you be 521 00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:46,280 Speaker 1: with one person for the rest of your life? Can 522 00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:48,280 Speaker 1: you love one person for the rest of your life 523 00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:55,080 Speaker 1: and it'd be a healthy, overall, healthy, enriching relationship. And again, 524 00:27:55,119 --> 00:27:58,800 Speaker 1: I think about a successful relationship where each individual is 525 00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:01,720 Speaker 1: putting one hundred percent into their own personal development and 526 00:28:01,840 --> 00:28:05,000 Speaker 1: growth and mission and putting one hundred percent into making 527 00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:11,080 Speaker 1: the relationship healthy, conscious, joyful, and that takes a lot 528 00:28:11,119 --> 00:28:14,600 Speaker 1: of individual work, one hundred percent on each individual to 529 00:28:14,680 --> 00:28:17,320 Speaker 1: want to grow and develop, and if not, then it's 530 00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:20,080 Speaker 1: going to be there's gonna be challenges. And I think 531 00:28:20,119 --> 00:28:22,439 Speaker 1: there's something that Esther Perel said probably on both of 532 00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:25,960 Speaker 1: our shows, which is there's a love story and there's 533 00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:28,199 Speaker 1: a life story. And there's a lot of people you 534 00:28:28,240 --> 00:28:31,200 Speaker 1: can have a love story with right where you could 535 00:28:31,880 --> 00:28:34,760 Speaker 1: fall in love with or date and have these romantic 536 00:28:34,960 --> 00:28:37,960 Speaker 1: nights and these adventures, but they may not be a 537 00:28:37,960 --> 00:28:40,560 Speaker 1: part of your life story. So they may not have 538 00:28:40,680 --> 00:28:43,280 Speaker 1: your values, your vision, the lifestyle you want to have 539 00:28:43,320 --> 00:28:45,960 Speaker 1: in your life. If a lot of those things don't 540 00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:49,360 Speaker 1: line up, then maybe you're they're just a seasonal love story, 541 00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:54,440 Speaker 1: not a longer season life story. And there's probably lesser 542 00:28:54,560 --> 00:28:57,800 Speaker 1: people that could be a life story. Yes, And so 543 00:28:58,080 --> 00:29:02,120 Speaker 1: I don't think that there's one person that you could 544 00:29:02,120 --> 00:29:04,360 Speaker 1: be with for the rest of life, because you know, again, 545 00:29:04,480 --> 00:29:08,240 Speaker 1: something could happen in a partnership where if someone leaves 546 00:29:08,240 --> 00:29:09,960 Speaker 1: this world, then you're just going to say, for the 547 00:29:10,000 --> 00:29:11,200 Speaker 1: rest of my life, I'm not going to be in 548 00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:15,080 Speaker 1: another relationships, there might be a situation or if the 549 00:29:15,120 --> 00:29:18,800 Speaker 1: relationship has just had its season and the person's not 550 00:29:18,840 --> 00:29:22,160 Speaker 1: willing to keep working and investing in it, it's like 551 00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:25,080 Speaker 1: that's tough, and I just think that's okay, And you're 552 00:29:25,120 --> 00:29:26,960 Speaker 1: in therapy and there's like, no, I just don't care 553 00:29:27,000 --> 00:29:29,680 Speaker 1: about the relationship anymore. So the other person's supposed to 554 00:29:29,680 --> 00:29:32,360 Speaker 1: stay attached and give one hundred percent when the other 555 00:29:32,400 --> 00:29:35,000 Speaker 1: person's giving zero percent for a year and year and year. 556 00:29:35,320 --> 00:29:37,680 Speaker 1: I don't think that's the type of life that we 557 00:29:37,680 --> 00:29:41,280 Speaker 1: were designed to live. Yes, just to show up because 558 00:29:41,320 --> 00:29:44,120 Speaker 1: we made this a commitment to an attachment, I guess. 559 00:29:44,160 --> 00:29:47,600 Speaker 1: But that's controversial to say, because when you make a 560 00:29:47,600 --> 00:29:51,360 Speaker 1: commitment to marriage, we should try. The intention should be 561 00:29:51,600 --> 00:29:55,320 Speaker 1: to stay married. That should be the intention. But if 562 00:29:55,360 --> 00:29:58,600 Speaker 1: one person is unwilling to and they keep breaking their 563 00:29:58,640 --> 00:30:01,120 Speaker 1: commitments and they're not then to get back on track, 564 00:30:01,640 --> 00:30:03,760 Speaker 1: or they do things over and over that are hurtful 565 00:30:04,120 --> 00:30:07,400 Speaker 1: and they don't apologize and take responsibility. They don't take accountability. 566 00:30:08,040 --> 00:30:09,960 Speaker 1: I don't think a period of time someone needs to 567 00:30:10,080 --> 00:30:13,560 Speaker 1: abandon themselves to be taken advantage of and abused and 568 00:30:13,760 --> 00:30:16,960 Speaker 1: used and someone breaking their promise in their commitments. Of 569 00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:19,600 Speaker 1: course not. And that's one of the biggest issues with 570 00:30:20,480 --> 00:30:24,200 Speaker 1: setting a commitment at an early stage in life, when 571 00:30:24,240 --> 00:30:27,520 Speaker 1: we're immature eighteen twenty one, you don't even know yourself 572 00:30:27,680 --> 00:30:30,640 Speaker 1: and you make these massive promises, and I just again, 573 00:30:30,680 --> 00:30:32,600 Speaker 1: I go back to that, like, where else in your 574 00:30:32,640 --> 00:30:36,440 Speaker 1: life do you make a decision for life for fifty 575 00:30:36,520 --> 00:30:39,760 Speaker 1: sixty seventy years. And so if you do want that 576 00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:42,960 Speaker 1: with someone, make sure that you are checking in regularly, 577 00:30:43,000 --> 00:30:47,360 Speaker 1: that you're renewing that like you're reconnecting with each other regularly. 578 00:30:47,440 --> 00:30:50,280 Speaker 1: Because you don't get to have an amazing relationship with 579 00:30:50,320 --> 00:30:53,840 Speaker 1: someone because of a promise or a commitment. You get 580 00:30:53,840 --> 00:30:56,280 Speaker 1: to do it because you renewed that promise and commitment 581 00:30:56,560 --> 00:30:59,800 Speaker 1: on a daily, weekly, monthly basis, not because you want 582 00:30:59,800 --> 00:31:02,520 Speaker 1: to extend the years you've been together, but because you 583 00:31:02,520 --> 00:31:04,880 Speaker 1: want to extend the growth. And so for me, I 584 00:31:05,040 --> 00:31:07,920 Speaker 1: think I agree with you that no one should feel 585 00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:13,120 Speaker 1: forced and really, what marriages or what exclusivity is or 586 00:31:13,160 --> 00:31:17,520 Speaker 1: what commitment is is we're going to try to grow 587 00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:21,400 Speaker 1: together continuously. And I would rather choose to grow with 588 00:31:21,480 --> 00:31:24,440 Speaker 1: you than to grow in many different ways. And it's 589 00:31:24,440 --> 00:31:26,840 Speaker 1: a conscious choice. And I think, listen, neither of us 590 00:31:26,880 --> 00:31:28,880 Speaker 1: have kids yet. Yeah, and so I can already see 591 00:31:28,880 --> 00:31:30,760 Speaker 1: all the comments of people saying, well, wait till you 592 00:31:30,760 --> 00:31:32,280 Speaker 1: have kids, and you don't know what it's like when 593 00:31:32,280 --> 00:31:34,360 Speaker 1: you have kids. You have to sacrifice and give up 594 00:31:34,400 --> 00:31:37,960 Speaker 1: so much. And I think that's a great excuse for people, 595 00:31:38,040 --> 00:31:40,000 Speaker 1: and I think it's a valid excuse, but I think 596 00:31:40,040 --> 00:31:42,239 Speaker 1: it's an excuse that holds people back as well. And 597 00:31:42,280 --> 00:31:45,640 Speaker 1: I know a lot of married people with kids who 598 00:31:45,680 --> 00:31:49,680 Speaker 1: are thriving, who are having fun every day or consistently, 599 00:31:50,240 --> 00:31:53,160 Speaker 1: who are joining their lives, who live independently in the 600 00:31:53,240 --> 00:31:56,240 Speaker 1: marriage as well, and have their wrong time and flexibility, 601 00:31:56,880 --> 00:32:01,360 Speaker 1: trust all those things, and year after year they thrive 602 00:32:01,600 --> 00:32:04,400 Speaker 1: with kids. So again, there are going to be more 603 00:32:04,440 --> 00:32:06,840 Speaker 1: and more challenges, and that's why it's important for each 604 00:32:06,840 --> 00:32:10,800 Speaker 1: individual to do the work consistently independent of the relationship, 605 00:32:11,120 --> 00:32:15,040 Speaker 1: to just become better humans, more emotionally evolved, emotionally intelligent. 606 00:32:15,360 --> 00:32:18,800 Speaker 1: Work on healing whatever is triggering, you work on that 607 00:32:18,880 --> 00:32:21,400 Speaker 1: healing journey so that you're not as reactive with your 608 00:32:21,440 --> 00:32:25,040 Speaker 1: partner or life. Yeah, you're not bringing baggage to the relationship. 609 00:32:25,080 --> 00:32:29,320 Speaker 1: You're more having any conscious conversation in the relationship, Like 610 00:32:29,440 --> 00:32:32,480 Speaker 1: you said, when we make those decisions at twenty one 611 00:32:32,720 --> 00:32:36,840 Speaker 1: or whatever, or just early even at forty. I was 612 00:32:36,840 --> 00:32:39,000 Speaker 1: telling Martha this the other day. I was like, I 613 00:32:39,080 --> 00:32:41,280 Speaker 1: don't know if I would have gotten married. There's no 614 00:32:41,360 --> 00:32:43,000 Speaker 1: way I'd be in a relationship if I got married 615 00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:46,480 Speaker 1: at twenty seven, twenty nine. There's just no way. Because 616 00:32:46,480 --> 00:32:50,440 Speaker 1: I've had to go through so much inner challenges to 617 00:32:50,520 --> 00:32:54,240 Speaker 1: overcome in the last decade alone that just now at 618 00:32:54,280 --> 00:32:56,920 Speaker 1: thirty nine, do I feel like I finally figured out 619 00:32:57,240 --> 00:33:01,120 Speaker 1: how to have peace inside? Yeah? Consisting. Yeah, I would 620 00:33:01,120 --> 00:33:05,320 Speaker 1: have messed up any relationship without knowing the tools on 621 00:33:05,720 --> 00:33:07,840 Speaker 1: how to just navigate. And it doesn't mean I'm going 622 00:33:07,880 --> 00:33:09,720 Speaker 1: to be perfect in this relationship for the rest of 623 00:33:09,720 --> 00:33:12,320 Speaker 1: my life or whatever. But I'm probably gonna make mistakes. 624 00:33:12,560 --> 00:33:14,680 Speaker 1: But I feel like I have a better awareness of 625 00:33:14,840 --> 00:33:18,920 Speaker 1: self yet five twenty seven, thirty It's like, that's hard. 626 00:33:18,960 --> 00:33:21,160 Speaker 1: I don't know how you did it. Ten years ago. Yeah, 627 00:33:21,200 --> 00:33:23,280 Speaker 1: I mean nearly ten years. Who was Yeah it was 628 00:33:23,360 --> 00:33:24,720 Speaker 1: next year, it will be ten years. But you have 629 00:33:24,880 --> 00:33:27,120 Speaker 1: four years of month training where you were just there's 630 00:33:27,200 --> 00:33:29,320 Speaker 1: I mean, there's a bit of everything, right, Like, there's 631 00:33:29,360 --> 00:33:32,360 Speaker 1: the there was some maturity, but now when I look back, 632 00:33:32,400 --> 00:33:35,480 Speaker 1: I go, there was also parts of it that were luck. 633 00:33:35,600 --> 00:33:41,320 Speaker 1: And when I say luck, I mean universal divine intervention, 634 00:33:41,480 --> 00:33:43,800 Speaker 1: and like, I was fortunate that it was. Rather there 635 00:33:43,840 --> 00:33:46,720 Speaker 1: were lots of parts of it where it was like, oh, like, 636 00:33:47,480 --> 00:33:50,360 Speaker 1: actually I wasn't as mature as I thought, but it 637 00:33:50,560 --> 00:33:53,760 Speaker 1: somehow happened that we were compatible to me. And you know, 638 00:33:53,840 --> 00:33:57,200 Speaker 1: there's she was healthy in a certain ways, and that's 639 00:33:57,320 --> 00:33:59,480 Speaker 1: there's a lot of fortune in that too. Like I 640 00:33:59,520 --> 00:34:02,200 Speaker 1: don't think it's it's not fair for me to say 641 00:34:02,240 --> 00:34:06,040 Speaker 1: that it was all didactic and perfectly like masterminded because 642 00:34:06,040 --> 00:34:09,520 Speaker 1: I was so advanced. That's not true. I think there 643 00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:12,080 Speaker 1: was some maturity, but there was also a lot of immaturity, 644 00:34:12,400 --> 00:34:14,560 Speaker 1: but that got balanced out by some of her gifts. 645 00:34:15,040 --> 00:34:18,280 Speaker 1: And I think the point is that you just can't 646 00:34:18,280 --> 00:34:20,480 Speaker 1: ever be scared to look in the mirror. You can't 647 00:34:20,480 --> 00:34:23,960 Speaker 1: be scared to ask those questions. You can't ever stop 648 00:34:24,160 --> 00:34:26,480 Speaker 1: doing that, because that's where it all goes wrong. I 649 00:34:26,520 --> 00:34:32,520 Speaker 1: think that I have grown more significantly being committed to 650 00:34:32,560 --> 00:34:36,960 Speaker 1: one woman than I would have if I wasn't. So 651 00:34:37,040 --> 00:34:39,480 Speaker 1: that's my If you would have been single for the 652 00:34:39,560 --> 00:34:44,560 Speaker 1: last ten years, correct and say single or having different 653 00:34:45,440 --> 00:34:48,680 Speaker 1: surface level relationships, not being committed to one person for 654 00:34:48,800 --> 00:34:50,960 Speaker 1: ten years, where would you be in your life right 655 00:34:50,960 --> 00:34:53,080 Speaker 1: now if you could just hypothetically Yeah, And I don't 656 00:34:53,120 --> 00:34:58,480 Speaker 1: think it's an external success or metric of some sort 657 00:34:58,520 --> 00:35:04,120 Speaker 1: of financial law, you know, physical situation. It's more that 658 00:35:04,400 --> 00:35:08,960 Speaker 1: I believe that being in a committed relationship has taught 659 00:35:09,000 --> 00:35:14,520 Speaker 1: me skills and qualities that I wouldn't have if I wasn't. 660 00:35:14,560 --> 00:35:20,279 Speaker 1: So I've one of my favorite ones is the ability 661 00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:25,120 Speaker 1: to self validate as opposed the other person giving you validation. Correct. 662 00:35:25,160 --> 00:35:27,000 Speaker 1: So I believe that if I was single for the 663 00:35:27,040 --> 00:35:31,000 Speaker 1: past ten years, I would have used other people to 664 00:35:31,200 --> 00:35:33,839 Speaker 1: validate myself, because I would have been able to go 665 00:35:33,880 --> 00:35:37,879 Speaker 1: to different people for different forms of validation, someone telling 666 00:35:37,880 --> 00:35:40,520 Speaker 1: me Jay, you're this, you're that, whatever it is. When 667 00:35:40,520 --> 00:35:44,040 Speaker 1: you're committed to one person, chances are they don't validate 668 00:35:44,080 --> 00:35:46,959 Speaker 1: you sometimes or at least in my case, and that 669 00:35:47,080 --> 00:35:49,880 Speaker 1: trained me in the ability to go inward and validate 670 00:35:49,920 --> 00:35:53,280 Speaker 1: myself for what I care about myself. Yeah, I'm assuming 671 00:35:53,320 --> 00:35:56,719 Speaker 1: Roddy's not intentionally not validating you, but you're just in 672 00:35:56,760 --> 00:36:00,480 Speaker 1: life and conversation and you know you wanted something, but 673 00:36:00,920 --> 00:36:03,120 Speaker 1: maybe she wasn't being aware of it or whatever. Right. Yeah. 674 00:36:03,200 --> 00:36:04,839 Speaker 1: The point is you don't get to just solve it 675 00:36:04,840 --> 00:36:07,520 Speaker 1: by going and finding it somewhere else. And so I 676 00:36:07,560 --> 00:36:09,560 Speaker 1: think that's what I mean that a lot of the time, 677 00:36:09,600 --> 00:36:11,760 Speaker 1: when you don't get what you want from one person, 678 00:36:12,080 --> 00:36:14,560 Speaker 1: you can just go find a fix somewhere else, but 679 00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:18,040 Speaker 1: that stops you from growing in doing it for yourself. 680 00:36:18,120 --> 00:36:20,560 Speaker 1: So that's one of the big ones. Another one that 681 00:36:20,600 --> 00:36:22,759 Speaker 1: I would say that I only got through being in 682 00:36:22,800 --> 00:36:31,960 Speaker 1: a committed relationship was the recognition that effort and contribution 683 00:36:32,080 --> 00:36:35,600 Speaker 1: to a relationship was not always visible. So what I 684 00:36:35,640 --> 00:36:39,000 Speaker 1: mean by that is often in a relationship, we think 685 00:36:39,040 --> 00:36:42,439 Speaker 1: of the breadwinner, the person who pays the bills, as 686 00:36:42,480 --> 00:36:46,320 Speaker 1: being the way someone contributes, or if someone cleans and cooks, 687 00:36:46,360 --> 00:36:49,400 Speaker 1: that's the way someone contributes. When you get into a 688 00:36:49,400 --> 00:36:51,520 Speaker 1: relationship for a long time, you start to realize there 689 00:36:51,520 --> 00:36:56,160 Speaker 1: are emotional contributions to a relationship. There are spiritual contributions 690 00:36:56,160 --> 00:36:59,200 Speaker 1: to a relationship which you don't get to see when 691 00:36:59,239 --> 00:37:02,120 Speaker 1: your relationship is purely physical. Right, And so now when 692 00:37:02,120 --> 00:37:05,239 Speaker 1: I look at relationships, I'm like, wow, like RADI is 693 00:37:05,280 --> 00:37:08,080 Speaker 1: contributing to this relationship. Of course financially in that but 694 00:37:08,200 --> 00:37:11,600 Speaker 1: also in this spiritual and emotional way. Yes, and in 695 00:37:11,640 --> 00:37:15,040 Speaker 1: my limited understanding, if I was just moving around, I 696 00:37:15,080 --> 00:37:17,880 Speaker 1: wouldn't know if that was even possible. So I think, 697 00:37:17,920 --> 00:37:20,279 Speaker 1: I mean, those are just a couple. There's so many. 698 00:37:20,440 --> 00:37:23,240 Speaker 1: But I believe that I have grown more and learned 699 00:37:23,280 --> 00:37:27,000 Speaker 1: more about myself then I would have if I wasn't, 700 00:37:27,000 --> 00:37:28,799 Speaker 1: because I think I would have found a quick fix 701 00:37:28,880 --> 00:37:31,440 Speaker 1: for most of my problems, oh everything, if there was, 702 00:37:31,480 --> 00:37:35,320 Speaker 1: like you know, if I was just jumping from relationship 703 00:37:35,360 --> 00:37:38,800 Speaker 1: to relationship or just dating and not actually being committed 704 00:37:38,840 --> 00:37:42,279 Speaker 1: to anyone. When there was a moment of anything getting hard, 705 00:37:42,440 --> 00:37:43,719 Speaker 1: just be like, I don't want to deal this. I'm 706 00:37:43,719 --> 00:37:45,360 Speaker 1: going to go to the next person and have fun 707 00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:48,400 Speaker 1: and just make it light and make it interesting and 708 00:37:48,400 --> 00:37:51,600 Speaker 1: go after the chase and get that high again. When 709 00:37:51,640 --> 00:37:54,840 Speaker 1: I started the relationship with Martha, I made a conscious decision. 710 00:37:54,960 --> 00:37:57,759 Speaker 1: Realizing that I was the problem for every previous relationship, 711 00:37:57,840 --> 00:38:00,400 Speaker 1: that I was the common denominator for things not working out, 712 00:38:00,760 --> 00:38:03,120 Speaker 1: I said, let me try something different. Let me not 713 00:38:03,719 --> 00:38:05,960 Speaker 1: dive into what I've always done, which is the sexual 714 00:38:06,000 --> 00:38:10,439 Speaker 1: chemistry first, because that clouded my mind from seeing the 715 00:38:10,640 --> 00:38:13,840 Speaker 1: person fully or seeing more of the person, I should say. 716 00:38:14,400 --> 00:38:18,160 Speaker 1: And that decision to remove that for the first you know, 717 00:38:18,600 --> 00:38:20,759 Speaker 1: months of us kind of seeing each other and getting 718 00:38:20,800 --> 00:38:24,000 Speaker 1: to know each other was so powerful for me because 719 00:38:24,040 --> 00:38:25,400 Speaker 1: I was like, do I want to be I remember 720 00:38:25,400 --> 00:38:27,480 Speaker 1: asking some friends in the past, I go, if you 721 00:38:27,480 --> 00:38:30,040 Speaker 1: guys didn't have sex, would you still be together? And 722 00:38:30,080 --> 00:38:32,760 Speaker 1: a lot of them are like, no, okay, So remove 723 00:38:32,840 --> 00:38:36,440 Speaker 1: sex from the relationship or remove sexual chemistry from the relationship. 724 00:38:36,920 --> 00:38:40,040 Speaker 1: Would you want to spend quality time with this person consistently? 725 00:38:40,080 --> 00:38:42,560 Speaker 1: Are you adding value to their life? Are they adding 726 00:38:42,600 --> 00:38:45,919 Speaker 1: value to your life? Another person said, you know, could 727 00:38:45,960 --> 00:38:49,520 Speaker 1: you spend ten thousand meals with this person? Because that's 728 00:38:49,520 --> 00:38:51,120 Speaker 1: what it's going to be like if you're getting married 729 00:38:51,120 --> 00:38:53,320 Speaker 1: and you're with them for a long time, ten thousand meals. 730 00:38:53,320 --> 00:38:58,200 Speaker 1: It's interesting enough. And when we jump into from my 731 00:38:58,280 --> 00:39:01,000 Speaker 1: personal experience, when you jump into sex or chemistry. First, 732 00:39:01,320 --> 00:39:05,120 Speaker 1: the foundation is usually a little shakier. And also if 733 00:39:05,120 --> 00:39:08,399 Speaker 1: you're doing that with multiple people, it's hard to build 734 00:39:08,400 --> 00:39:11,280 Speaker 1: a strong foundation with one and you're never really getting 735 00:39:11,280 --> 00:39:14,319 Speaker 1: that piece. It's kind of there's always something shaky. Yeah right, 736 00:39:14,360 --> 00:39:16,440 Speaker 1: you know, yeah, well, I mean that's I mean, the 737 00:39:16,480 --> 00:39:19,279 Speaker 1: studies showed that too, that when you engage in a 738 00:39:19,280 --> 00:39:23,240 Speaker 1: physical relationship with someone, the chemicals that are released after 739 00:39:23,400 --> 00:39:26,719 Speaker 1: sex make you feel closer to them when you're not 740 00:39:26,800 --> 00:39:30,480 Speaker 1: actually closer, So you haven't really done the work for 741 00:39:30,800 --> 00:39:36,360 Speaker 1: deep value based intimacy, but you're feeling the high chemically, 742 00:39:36,680 --> 00:39:39,320 Speaker 1: and you could feel that with people again and again 743 00:39:39,360 --> 00:39:42,040 Speaker 1: and again, and that's why we get more attached to 744 00:39:42,080 --> 00:39:45,080 Speaker 1: people that we have sex within that way. And so 745 00:39:45,719 --> 00:39:48,000 Speaker 1: for me, obviously through the Monk training, like that was 746 00:39:48,000 --> 00:39:49,600 Speaker 1: a big part of it. I mean, celibacy was a 747 00:39:49,640 --> 00:39:51,279 Speaker 1: huge part of Monk training, and it was all for 748 00:39:51,440 --> 00:39:55,600 Speaker 1: mental clarity so you can make better decisions. Right, It's 749 00:39:55,640 --> 00:39:58,040 Speaker 1: not about saying that you're never having sex. It's about 750 00:39:58,040 --> 00:40:01,520 Speaker 1: the idea that can I make better decisions without being 751 00:40:01,520 --> 00:40:05,640 Speaker 1: clouded from being clouded by a chemical release that is 752 00:40:05,719 --> 00:40:08,120 Speaker 1: making me believe something And I think That's what people 753 00:40:08,160 --> 00:40:11,640 Speaker 1: don't That's what people underestimate, is that do you want 754 00:40:11,640 --> 00:40:14,360 Speaker 1: to make a decision based on reality or do you 755 00:40:14,400 --> 00:40:18,399 Speaker 1: want to make a decision based on chemicals that are 756 00:40:18,440 --> 00:40:23,240 Speaker 1: being exposed to you in a particular moment, which aren't reality. 757 00:40:23,280 --> 00:40:25,319 Speaker 1: And I think everyone would hold their hand up anyone 758 00:40:25,320 --> 00:40:27,480 Speaker 1: who's in the comment section right now, like would say, 759 00:40:27,560 --> 00:40:29,400 Speaker 1: I have been in a relationship where we had a 760 00:40:29,520 --> 00:40:31,800 Speaker 1: terrible relationship, but the sex was great. I think everyone 761 00:40:31,800 --> 00:40:33,720 Speaker 1: would agree that they've been in a relationship and whenever 762 00:40:33,760 --> 00:40:36,319 Speaker 1: there was an argument, we leaned on sex and got 763 00:40:36,320 --> 00:40:39,640 Speaker 1: back to yeah, to a foundation, right, Yeah, exactly. And 764 00:40:40,320 --> 00:40:43,600 Speaker 1: they know that that was toxic and unhealthy because they 765 00:40:43,640 --> 00:40:47,000 Speaker 1: dealt with pain, they dealt with abuse, they dealt with manipulation, 766 00:40:47,040 --> 00:40:50,200 Speaker 1: they dealt with trauma because the sex was good, right. 767 00:40:50,480 --> 00:40:52,960 Speaker 1: And that's why I think if you eliminate that, at 768 00:40:53,000 --> 00:40:55,359 Speaker 1: least in the beginning of a new relationship to learn 769 00:40:55,560 --> 00:40:57,800 Speaker 1: to learn that you're going to learn and make better decisions. 770 00:40:57,880 --> 00:41:01,600 Speaker 1: Mental clarity, Like you said, is this since behavior matching 771 00:41:01,600 --> 00:41:05,440 Speaker 1: their words? Do they have the same values that I have? 772 00:41:05,680 --> 00:41:07,439 Speaker 1: Are we in alignment on a lot of these things 773 00:41:07,480 --> 00:41:10,160 Speaker 1: that we want or do they do certain things that 774 00:41:10,200 --> 00:41:12,640 Speaker 1: I'll just never want to be around, you know. For me, 775 00:41:13,160 --> 00:41:15,360 Speaker 1: it was very important, Like I've never been drunk in 776 00:41:15,400 --> 00:41:17,839 Speaker 1: my life. It's not something I do, but I can 777 00:41:17,960 --> 00:41:20,839 Speaker 1: be around it. It's just like it's I don't want 778 00:41:20,840 --> 00:41:22,239 Speaker 1: to be around it all the time. Yeah, you know 779 00:41:22,280 --> 00:41:23,840 Speaker 1: what I mean. Like, if you want to have wine 780 00:41:23,920 --> 00:41:26,000 Speaker 1: once a month, like I'm cool with that. If you're 781 00:41:26,040 --> 00:41:29,040 Speaker 1: drinking every night, three glasses of wine, it's just a 782 00:41:29,120 --> 00:41:31,520 Speaker 1: deal break. It's just not for me. And there might 783 00:41:31,560 --> 00:41:35,000 Speaker 1: be something that you know, in the past, if if 784 00:41:35,040 --> 00:41:37,000 Speaker 1: a person wanted to be with me, but I was like, well, 785 00:41:37,040 --> 00:41:39,080 Speaker 1: iat sugar all day, that'd be a dealbreaker for them 786 00:41:39,160 --> 00:41:41,520 Speaker 1: or something or whatever it is. Yeah, And it's figuring out, 787 00:41:41,560 --> 00:41:44,840 Speaker 1: like what are the things in alignment that you both 788 00:41:44,880 --> 00:41:47,680 Speaker 1: want to see if you can be in a great relationship, 789 00:41:47,719 --> 00:41:49,520 Speaker 1: to see if you can be in a thriving relationship, 790 00:41:50,200 --> 00:41:54,480 Speaker 1: because human beings are just messed up. Yeah, And if 791 00:41:54,560 --> 00:41:56,680 Speaker 1: you're trying to be like obviously, if you're just someone 792 00:41:56,680 --> 00:42:00,480 Speaker 1: who's like I just want to sleep around, you know, 793 00:42:01,040 --> 00:42:03,279 Speaker 1: mess around, have fun, whatever, sure that's fine. But if 794 00:42:03,320 --> 00:42:05,120 Speaker 1: you're in the position in your life right now where 795 00:42:05,120 --> 00:42:07,799 Speaker 1: you're like, I want to be in a long term relationship. 796 00:42:08,320 --> 00:42:10,759 Speaker 1: Then it's a healthy thing to consider this because you 797 00:42:10,800 --> 00:42:12,880 Speaker 1: want to have your best decision making capability. And I 798 00:42:12,920 --> 00:42:14,520 Speaker 1: also think a lot of people are getting in a 799 00:42:14,560 --> 00:42:17,400 Speaker 1: relationships when they feel lonely. Yeah, that is a scary 800 00:42:17,440 --> 00:42:20,280 Speaker 1: thing to do, to be seeking out a relationship because 801 00:42:20,320 --> 00:42:23,399 Speaker 1: you feel alone. One of the greatest gifts I gave 802 00:42:23,480 --> 00:42:26,200 Speaker 1: myself was learning how to go take myself out on 803 00:42:26,200 --> 00:42:29,279 Speaker 1: a date, go to dinner, go to lunch, go to 804 00:42:29,280 --> 00:42:32,560 Speaker 1: a movie alone, and learn to enjoy my own company. 805 00:42:32,800 --> 00:42:35,600 Speaker 1: It was so hard to do because I didn't enjoy 806 00:42:35,640 --> 00:42:38,440 Speaker 1: my company for so long. I had too many negative 807 00:42:38,440 --> 00:42:41,600 Speaker 1: conversations with myself. And I had to learn how to 808 00:42:41,800 --> 00:42:44,480 Speaker 1: love myself in a conscious way, in a healthy way, 809 00:42:45,360 --> 00:42:49,080 Speaker 1: so that I could be happy alone first yes, and 810 00:42:49,120 --> 00:42:53,279 Speaker 1: then not abandoned myself in a relationship. And it's like, 811 00:42:53,320 --> 00:42:55,040 Speaker 1: when the point when I was like, I don't want 812 00:42:55,040 --> 00:42:57,640 Speaker 1: to be in a relationship, that's when Martha showed up. 813 00:42:57,719 --> 00:42:59,680 Speaker 1: I was like, you know, I'm good. I'm like so 814 00:43:00,000 --> 00:43:03,360 Speaker 1: happy alone. I love my life, I've got my business, 815 00:43:03,400 --> 00:43:06,239 Speaker 1: I've got my friends. I am good. That's when she 816 00:43:06,320 --> 00:43:08,080 Speaker 1: came in. I was like, damn it, I don't want 817 00:43:08,080 --> 00:43:10,200 Speaker 1: to be around you right now. But it's but I 818 00:43:10,239 --> 00:43:13,960 Speaker 1: can do it because I can have low attachment from 819 00:43:13,960 --> 00:43:17,520 Speaker 1: the beginning and I don't need this to make me happy. Yes, 820 00:43:17,640 --> 00:43:19,359 Speaker 1: I think a lot of people get in relationships because 821 00:43:19,360 --> 00:43:23,840 Speaker 1: they need that to make them feel complete happy, And 822 00:43:23,880 --> 00:43:26,759 Speaker 1: I think that's also a foundation of struggle when we 823 00:43:26,840 --> 00:43:29,319 Speaker 1: come from that space. Yeah, the reason why what you 824 00:43:29,360 --> 00:43:32,879 Speaker 1: said is so important is that that doesn't stop when 825 00:43:32,880 --> 00:43:36,239 Speaker 1: you move in with someone. So I think we feel that, 826 00:43:36,320 --> 00:43:39,359 Speaker 1: and I think this is a pressure that's created in relationships, 827 00:43:39,480 --> 00:43:42,000 Speaker 1: especially in the early days, where people expect to spend 828 00:43:42,040 --> 00:43:45,319 Speaker 1: all their time together. And if you're spending all your 829 00:43:45,360 --> 00:43:48,600 Speaker 1: time together, then where is the time to grow independently 830 00:43:49,239 --> 00:43:52,040 Speaker 1: so that you can improve each other's lives. And so 831 00:43:52,080 --> 00:43:54,440 Speaker 1: if every night you go home and you put a 832 00:43:54,440 --> 00:43:57,040 Speaker 1: show on together and you watch it and that's your 833 00:43:57,040 --> 00:43:59,840 Speaker 1: way of spending time together, you're not investing in or 834 00:44:00,040 --> 00:44:02,839 Speaker 1: growing the relationship. And then three months down the line, 835 00:44:02,840 --> 00:44:04,960 Speaker 1: you're wondering, why don't we feel any chemistry or any 836 00:44:05,000 --> 00:44:09,040 Speaker 1: spark or any compatibility because you both haven't grown independently, 837 00:44:09,360 --> 00:44:11,640 Speaker 1: so you haven't been able to grow together, and so 838 00:44:11,680 --> 00:44:14,680 Speaker 1: that's not something that stops. That going on a date 839 00:44:14,680 --> 00:44:17,440 Speaker 1: on your own or treating yourself, that never stops, and 840 00:44:17,480 --> 00:44:19,920 Speaker 1: it shouldn't stop. And I think one of the biggest 841 00:44:19,960 --> 00:44:22,200 Speaker 1: challenges is is that people say, oh, if you don't 842 00:44:22,200 --> 00:44:24,000 Speaker 1: want to spend time with me, if we're together, then 843 00:44:24,040 --> 00:44:27,680 Speaker 1: that means there's something wrong. And so there's this insecurity 844 00:44:27,719 --> 00:44:30,440 Speaker 1: that if you don't want to spend every moment with me, 845 00:44:31,280 --> 00:44:33,719 Speaker 1: then you don't think I'm good enough. Or if you 846 00:44:33,719 --> 00:44:37,600 Speaker 1: don't text me every single moment when we're not a part, 847 00:44:38,120 --> 00:44:41,680 Speaker 1: that means that you don't love me. Flashbacks now, Yeah, 848 00:44:42,200 --> 00:44:44,200 Speaker 1: it's like and when you live in there, it's like, well, 849 00:44:44,239 --> 00:44:46,640 Speaker 1: wait a minute, you've missed the point that if they're 850 00:44:46,680 --> 00:44:49,919 Speaker 1: always with you, then they can't bring anything to you. Yeah. 851 00:44:50,360 --> 00:44:52,560 Speaker 1: I've heard a couple different people talk about this concept. 852 00:44:52,600 --> 00:44:54,279 Speaker 1: I think Esther Perell was one of them. And then 853 00:44:54,400 --> 00:44:58,000 Speaker 1: Rob Bell talks about the space in between the time 854 00:44:58,000 --> 00:45:02,200 Speaker 1: you're together. It's where you love deepens. It's like you 855 00:45:02,360 --> 00:45:05,279 Speaker 1: can deepen it when you have space apart from each 856 00:45:05,280 --> 00:45:07,839 Speaker 1: other and you can miss each other. You can think 857 00:45:07,880 --> 00:45:10,520 Speaker 1: about the conversation you had, you can think about the activities, 858 00:45:10,600 --> 00:45:13,800 Speaker 1: the games you're playing, the intimacy, those conversations, those moments. 859 00:45:14,440 --> 00:45:18,480 Speaker 1: It's the space in between that creates more harmony. I 860 00:45:18,520 --> 00:45:21,440 Speaker 1: think Yo Yo Maa talks about like harmony is in 861 00:45:21,480 --> 00:45:25,239 Speaker 1: between the notes. Right, It's like there's the same thing 862 00:45:25,280 --> 00:45:28,920 Speaker 1: with connection and love. You know, if I spent every 863 00:45:28,960 --> 00:45:30,880 Speaker 1: moment with you, I might be like I need some 864 00:45:30,920 --> 00:45:33,160 Speaker 1: more time apart. But it's because I only see you 865 00:45:33,200 --> 00:45:35,400 Speaker 1: once every couple of weeks or once a month, I 866 00:45:35,520 --> 00:45:38,880 Speaker 1: get so excited about that time together. Right, Not that 867 00:45:38,880 --> 00:45:40,320 Speaker 1: I wouldn't want to see you every day, No, you 868 00:45:40,360 --> 00:45:42,560 Speaker 1: know what I mean. It's like having time to be 869 00:45:42,640 --> 00:45:45,840 Speaker 1: an independent human being, doing your activity, is doing the 870 00:45:45,880 --> 00:45:49,399 Speaker 1: things you love well I think support you and staying 871 00:45:49,400 --> 00:45:52,120 Speaker 1: together longer. Yeah, And the couples that you know that 872 00:45:52,239 --> 00:45:55,120 Speaker 1: I know that have been together for twenty thirty forty 873 00:45:55,200 --> 00:45:58,000 Speaker 1: years at least a lot of them might feel like 874 00:45:58,239 --> 00:46:01,080 Speaker 1: have that one day a week with their friends, have 875 00:46:01,239 --> 00:46:03,520 Speaker 1: that time where they go on a trip alone or 876 00:46:03,520 --> 00:46:07,279 Speaker 1: with other people in their life. They learn other activities, 877 00:46:07,280 --> 00:46:10,640 Speaker 1: They go to workshops together but also alone on things 878 00:46:10,680 --> 00:46:14,560 Speaker 1: that they can add value to the relationship and to themselves. 879 00:46:15,120 --> 00:46:18,600 Speaker 1: Feel independent, but also be committed, and I think that 880 00:46:18,920 --> 00:46:23,080 Speaker 1: is a huge thing to set yourself up to be 881 00:46:23,160 --> 00:46:27,480 Speaker 1: a healthy, conscious, thriving relationship long term. Yeah, if you 882 00:46:27,560 --> 00:46:29,680 Speaker 1: choose to be with one person, If you choose to 883 00:46:29,719 --> 00:46:32,400 Speaker 1: be with one person, there's a couple of things you 884 00:46:32,440 --> 00:46:34,160 Speaker 1: have to think about. The first is what do you 885 00:46:34,200 --> 00:46:38,520 Speaker 1: actually enjoy to do together? So Radye and I discovered 886 00:46:38,560 --> 00:46:42,120 Speaker 1: that going out to dinner was okay, watching a movie 887 00:46:42,160 --> 00:46:45,600 Speaker 1: together was okay. But what we've really loved was experiences. 888 00:46:45,719 --> 00:46:49,200 Speaker 1: What we really loved was doing activities together. What we 889 00:46:49,280 --> 00:46:51,880 Speaker 1: really loved was going to workshops together. Is whether it 890 00:46:51,920 --> 00:46:53,879 Speaker 1: was a cooking class or whether it's pottery, or whether 891 00:46:53,920 --> 00:46:56,600 Speaker 1: it was trekking with gorillas that we just did right now, 892 00:46:56,719 --> 00:46:59,040 Speaker 1: or whether it was going on a hike together, like 893 00:46:59,080 --> 00:47:02,120 Speaker 1: it was doing something active together. And you know, even 894 00:47:02,160 --> 00:47:04,560 Speaker 1: in our relationship as friends, like we were talking about this, 895 00:47:04,680 --> 00:47:08,320 Speaker 1: like when we set our fun, fitness and friendship, and 896 00:47:08,480 --> 00:47:10,520 Speaker 1: we've decided that we want to make sure that we 897 00:47:10,560 --> 00:47:12,400 Speaker 1: are going out for dinner, but we also want to 898 00:47:12,400 --> 00:47:14,799 Speaker 1: play some sports. We've been playing Pickable together or our 899 00:47:14,920 --> 00:47:18,080 Speaker 1: version of pickaball that we're meant it. We're going on hikes, 900 00:47:18,080 --> 00:47:20,640 Speaker 1: we're doing different things activities together. Yeah, and like that's 901 00:47:20,680 --> 00:47:22,640 Speaker 1: what we've realized we like to do. And I think 902 00:47:22,719 --> 00:47:24,920 Speaker 1: that's a really important thing that if you want to 903 00:47:24,960 --> 00:47:27,960 Speaker 1: be with someone long term, you have to figure out 904 00:47:28,040 --> 00:47:31,120 Speaker 1: what you want to do together. And then going even 905 00:47:31,160 --> 00:47:33,040 Speaker 1: a step further, if you're really going to be with 906 00:47:33,160 --> 00:47:36,719 Speaker 1: someone long term, your relationship has to have a purpose 907 00:47:37,320 --> 00:47:40,680 Speaker 1: beyond each other. Yea. The goal of your relationship can't 908 00:47:40,719 --> 00:47:44,080 Speaker 1: be how do we stay together? Like, the goal of 909 00:47:44,080 --> 00:47:46,480 Speaker 1: the relationship is how do we serve together? How do 910 00:47:46,520 --> 00:47:49,760 Speaker 1: we give together? How do we help our community together? 911 00:47:49,920 --> 00:47:54,680 Speaker 1: Like couples who have that ability to expand their radius 912 00:47:54,719 --> 00:47:59,320 Speaker 1: of care and compassion, that's what ultimately goes to that stage. 913 00:47:59,440 --> 00:48:02,239 Speaker 1: Couples as stay together, serve together. I think that's a 914 00:48:02,280 --> 00:48:04,640 Speaker 1: great thing, you know. I think in the fitness community 915 00:48:04,640 --> 00:48:07,359 Speaker 1: they're like families that work out together, stay together type 916 00:48:07,360 --> 00:48:09,799 Speaker 1: of day. But I think couples that stay together are 917 00:48:09,800 --> 00:48:12,160 Speaker 1: the ones that are serving together. And I know your 918 00:48:12,200 --> 00:48:13,680 Speaker 1: talking about this, and I know this is going to 919 00:48:13,680 --> 00:48:16,040 Speaker 1: be in your next book as well. This kind of 920 00:48:16,120 --> 00:48:20,000 Speaker 1: concept of the different levels of relationship of Okay, you're 921 00:48:20,840 --> 00:48:23,800 Speaker 1: getting to know dating stage, then you're in the commitment stage. 922 00:48:23,880 --> 00:48:26,279 Speaker 1: Then you're in marriage stage, and then it's like, what 923 00:48:26,400 --> 00:48:30,240 Speaker 1: is the next stage. It's being in service. It's figuring 924 00:48:30,239 --> 00:48:33,080 Speaker 1: out ways to serve your family, your friends, your community, 925 00:48:33,080 --> 00:48:35,799 Speaker 1: and the ways that makes sense for you. That's what's 926 00:48:35,800 --> 00:48:38,359 Speaker 1: going to keep people together long term. And I think 927 00:48:38,400 --> 00:48:42,160 Speaker 1: when we stop serving the relationship and we stop serving 928 00:48:42,280 --> 00:48:48,160 Speaker 1: others around the relationship, it's probably going to have more challenges. Yeah, 929 00:48:48,200 --> 00:48:50,160 Speaker 1: you know, maybe you can make it last and maybe 930 00:48:50,200 --> 00:48:51,799 Speaker 1: you have some good times, but I feel like you're 931 00:48:51,800 --> 00:48:55,600 Speaker 1: going to have more challenges to overcome, which is going 932 00:48:55,680 --> 00:48:59,160 Speaker 1: to make you say one person's not for me, this 933 00:48:59,200 --> 00:49:02,799 Speaker 1: relationship is not worth I need a different relationship. And 934 00:49:03,400 --> 00:49:05,839 Speaker 1: maybe that's true. Maybe that relationship wasn't supposed to last, 935 00:49:05,840 --> 00:49:08,800 Speaker 1: but I think it's And I'm so excited to for 936 00:49:08,840 --> 00:49:11,239 Speaker 1: your next book because I've been getting the behind the 937 00:49:11,239 --> 00:49:12,560 Speaker 1: scenes from you on it. But I feel like you're 938 00:49:12,600 --> 00:49:16,640 Speaker 1: going to give people this foundation of how to set 939 00:49:16,680 --> 00:49:20,040 Speaker 1: yourself up at the different stages of a committed relationship. 940 00:49:20,640 --> 00:49:23,560 Speaker 1: And I don't think there's anything wrong with being single 941 00:49:23,560 --> 00:49:26,520 Speaker 1: and dating lots of people. I know a guy right now, 942 00:49:26,560 --> 00:49:28,920 Speaker 1: he's single and he's going on dates every week with 943 00:49:28,960 --> 00:49:32,839 Speaker 1: different people, taking people out to dinner and having interesting conversations, 944 00:49:33,360 --> 00:49:35,360 Speaker 1: and what Matthew Holsey says our friend is kind of 945 00:49:35,400 --> 00:49:38,120 Speaker 1: like eliminating people that aren't the one for them right now. 946 00:49:38,480 --> 00:49:40,040 Speaker 1: It's like, I got to go meet a bunch of people, 947 00:49:40,480 --> 00:49:42,719 Speaker 1: have experiences to see who I know don't want to 948 00:49:42,719 --> 00:49:45,240 Speaker 1: be with as well. And I think there's a season 949 00:49:45,280 --> 00:49:48,000 Speaker 1: for that. And I think when we get into relationship, 950 00:49:48,040 --> 00:49:49,960 Speaker 1: we just need to be conscious of why am I 951 00:49:50,000 --> 00:49:54,279 Speaker 1: getting this relationship? You know? Am I dependent on this 952 00:49:54,360 --> 00:49:56,239 Speaker 1: to make me happy? If so, I just think that's 953 00:49:56,239 --> 00:49:59,200 Speaker 1: going to be a recipe for failure. But being conscious 954 00:49:59,480 --> 00:50:03,000 Speaker 1: about entering a relationship and conscious about growing a relationship. 955 00:50:03,320 --> 00:50:05,879 Speaker 1: There's so much you learn when you're single, and there's 956 00:50:05,880 --> 00:50:08,960 Speaker 1: so much you learn when you're in a relationship. Yeah, 957 00:50:09,000 --> 00:50:12,120 Speaker 1: And that's actually the question do I want how do 958 00:50:12,160 --> 00:50:14,600 Speaker 1: I want to learn right now? Like how do I 959 00:50:14,600 --> 00:50:15,920 Speaker 1: want to learn right now? Do I want to learn 960 00:50:15,920 --> 00:50:18,000 Speaker 1: by meeting lots of people and learning in that way 961 00:50:18,239 --> 00:50:20,000 Speaker 1: and dealing with what comes with that, or do I 962 00:50:20,000 --> 00:50:22,960 Speaker 1: want to learn in this way? And I think everything 963 00:50:23,000 --> 00:50:26,160 Speaker 1: in life is simply a learning experience, and at this 964 00:50:26,200 --> 00:50:29,960 Speaker 1: season of my life, yeah, that one of the biggest 965 00:50:30,160 --> 00:50:33,680 Speaker 1: values for me is peace, inner peace, right, and you 966 00:50:33,760 --> 00:50:36,560 Speaker 1: kind of peace if you and I. For years, I 967 00:50:36,600 --> 00:50:40,759 Speaker 1: would interview on camera and off camera older men who 968 00:50:40,760 --> 00:50:43,680 Speaker 1: are successful in business or in their careers, or who 969 00:50:43,719 --> 00:50:46,520 Speaker 1: had kind of reached the top of their industry, and 970 00:50:46,560 --> 00:50:50,880 Speaker 1: I would ask them questions like about being single or 971 00:50:50,880 --> 00:50:53,600 Speaker 1: about having, you know, being married, about being with one 972 00:50:53,640 --> 00:50:57,239 Speaker 1: person or do they have open relationships, just curious. And 973 00:50:57,320 --> 00:51:00,000 Speaker 1: there was not one man who was like fifty sixties, 974 00:51:00,000 --> 00:51:05,600 Speaker 1: seventy years old who was peaceful and fulfilled with multiple 975 00:51:05,640 --> 00:51:08,360 Speaker 1: women at the same time or kind of trying to 976 00:51:08,400 --> 00:51:12,720 Speaker 1: manage that, you know, that energy. The ones that had peace, 977 00:51:12,840 --> 00:51:15,200 Speaker 1: which again is a value of mind, is having peace 978 00:51:15,239 --> 00:51:18,080 Speaker 1: because I feel like peace helps us create mental clarity, 979 00:51:18,120 --> 00:51:20,799 Speaker 1: which I think is important for you as well, which 980 00:51:20,840 --> 00:51:24,520 Speaker 1: helps us have more energy towards our mission. Yeah, and 981 00:51:24,960 --> 00:51:27,640 Speaker 1: I haven't met one sixties seven year old man who 982 00:51:27,719 --> 00:51:29,719 Speaker 1: was like I had five girlfriends the whole time and 983 00:51:30,160 --> 00:51:32,719 Speaker 1: I was peaceful. And so I just again, again, what's 984 00:51:32,719 --> 00:51:34,960 Speaker 1: your value? What do you want? If you want adventure 985 00:51:34,960 --> 00:51:39,040 Speaker 1: and fun and you can't have all that and peace, 986 00:51:39,400 --> 00:51:41,880 Speaker 1: there's going to be some letting go. So I really 987 00:51:41,880 --> 00:51:44,200 Speaker 1: like and this has been my biggest takeaway from today's 988 00:51:44,200 --> 00:51:47,240 Speaker 1: that you brought it back to values. If your value 989 00:51:47,840 --> 00:51:55,120 Speaker 1: is experimentation and freedom, freedom, freedom from commitment, then that's 990 00:51:55,120 --> 00:51:57,359 Speaker 1: a beautiful life. And I'm not and again I'm not 991 00:51:57,920 --> 00:52:00,200 Speaker 1: saying you should do either rule you know, it's it's 992 00:52:00,200 --> 00:52:02,120 Speaker 1: all based on your value. And you just said your 993 00:52:02,160 --> 00:52:04,400 Speaker 1: value is piece. My value is purpose. I want to 994 00:52:04,400 --> 00:52:07,840 Speaker 1: be committed to my purpose. And I had a really 995 00:52:07,920 --> 00:52:11,080 Speaker 1: open and honest conversation with a friend recently. He asked 996 00:52:11,080 --> 00:52:13,320 Speaker 1: me a question. He said, Jay, like, you know, how 997 00:52:13,440 --> 00:52:19,120 Speaker 1: do you deal with temptation and desire? You know everything else? 998 00:52:19,600 --> 00:52:22,120 Speaker 1: And we had a really honest, vulnerable conversation man to man, 999 00:52:22,160 --> 00:52:24,480 Speaker 1: and I said to him that for me, one of 1000 00:52:24,520 --> 00:52:30,239 Speaker 1: my biggest values in life is history and loyalty. I 1001 00:52:30,360 --> 00:52:33,720 Speaker 1: like long term friendships because then you can look back 1002 00:52:34,080 --> 00:52:36,520 Speaker 1: and look at how far you've come, and you can't 1003 00:52:36,520 --> 00:52:40,480 Speaker 1: do that from short term. I like loyalty. I love 1004 00:52:40,520 --> 00:52:43,359 Speaker 1: the idea of like you've been loyal to a friend, 1005 00:52:43,400 --> 00:52:46,759 Speaker 1: a person, a partner, and you can look back at 1006 00:52:47,200 --> 00:52:49,160 Speaker 1: what you've been through school. And so when I look 1007 00:52:49,200 --> 00:52:51,400 Speaker 1: at my life, I love that me and you have 1008 00:52:52,000 --> 00:52:54,920 Speaker 1: memories from being in New York together, being in LA together, 1009 00:52:55,080 --> 00:53:00,319 Speaker 1: doing a project together, and in my romantic relationship, it's 1010 00:53:00,320 --> 00:53:02,880 Speaker 1: the same thing. It's like, I've been with this woman 1011 00:53:02,880 --> 00:53:06,600 Speaker 1: when I had nothing, when I was broke. I was like, 1012 00:53:06,800 --> 00:53:09,839 Speaker 1: I hear and I value that, right. And someone may say, Jay, 1013 00:53:09,880 --> 00:53:12,759 Speaker 1: that's soft, Like I don't value that at all, and 1014 00:53:12,800 --> 00:53:14,680 Speaker 1: that's cool, Like I respect that. You may say you 1015 00:53:14,680 --> 00:53:17,680 Speaker 1: don't value history, you value a one night stand, and 1016 00:53:17,719 --> 00:53:19,880 Speaker 1: that's great, Like there's nothing wrong with that. But I 1017 00:53:19,880 --> 00:53:22,279 Speaker 1: think you've got to know what you value. And I 1018 00:53:22,400 --> 00:53:24,960 Speaker 1: love that you value peace, and I love that you 1019 00:53:25,000 --> 00:53:28,880 Speaker 1: equate a committed relationship to peace. And yeah, and some 1020 00:53:28,920 --> 00:53:32,040 Speaker 1: people might say, well, every relationship about been stressful, So 1021 00:53:32,080 --> 00:53:36,279 Speaker 1: I'm going to value being single and having surface conversations 1022 00:53:36,360 --> 00:53:40,520 Speaker 1: or surface interactions of intimacy that aren't scary to go deeper, right, 1023 00:53:40,560 --> 00:53:44,279 Speaker 1: whether it could be heartbreak or pain or frustration or 1024 00:53:44,360 --> 00:53:47,560 Speaker 1: whatever it is. And that's your season, you know, that's 1025 00:53:47,560 --> 00:53:51,680 Speaker 1: your way you value, but I definitely value intimacy connection. 1026 00:53:52,400 --> 00:53:57,360 Speaker 1: There's nothing worse than accomplishing like your greatest goals and 1027 00:53:57,400 --> 00:53:59,560 Speaker 1: then being in a hotel room by yourself and being like, 1028 00:54:01,080 --> 00:54:04,040 Speaker 1: I'm gonna you know whom I call to celebrate this 1029 00:54:04,120 --> 00:54:06,480 Speaker 1: with's no one like with you in the journey and 1030 00:54:06,560 --> 00:54:09,200 Speaker 1: you with them exactly. It's really cool to be there 1031 00:54:09,239 --> 00:54:12,520 Speaker 1: for each other and it's something i'd value with you know, 1032 00:54:12,600 --> 00:54:15,480 Speaker 1: Martha being inspired by what she's creating, and she's inspired 1033 00:54:15,520 --> 00:54:18,279 Speaker 1: what I'm creating. The mutual respect and inspiration. And I 1034 00:54:18,400 --> 00:54:22,799 Speaker 1: know you and Roddy the same way. So powerful conversation 1035 00:54:23,560 --> 00:54:28,160 Speaker 1: Onward Therapy Part two. If you guys enjoyed this, leave 1036 00:54:28,200 --> 00:54:31,759 Speaker 1: it yes and the comments below makes you subscribe to 1037 00:54:32,800 --> 00:54:37,120 Speaker 1: Jay Shetty's podcast and Apple Spotify on YouTube, subscribe on YouTube, 1038 00:54:37,160 --> 00:54:41,040 Speaker 1: all of our social media and let us know which 1039 00:54:41,080 --> 00:54:43,279 Speaker 1: part of this you enjoyed the most and leave a 1040 00:54:43,280 --> 00:54:45,920 Speaker 1: comment of what you'd like us to talk about on 1041 00:54:46,000 --> 00:54:51,560 Speaker 1: the next episode of this Awkward Therapy Conversation. Also, the 1042 00:54:51,640 --> 00:54:54,880 Speaker 1: call to action is to find someone to have the 1043 00:54:55,000 --> 00:54:58,680 Speaker 1: same conversation with. Ask them this question, can you be 1044 00:54:58,719 --> 00:55:01,080 Speaker 1: with one person for the rest of your life? Send 1045 00:55:01,120 --> 00:55:04,160 Speaker 1: them this audio or this video and have them watch 1046 00:55:04,280 --> 00:55:06,759 Speaker 1: or listen to this and then have the discussion with 1047 00:55:06,840 --> 00:55:09,479 Speaker 1: them shortly after and let us know your thoughts. We'd 1048 00:55:09,480 --> 00:55:11,239 Speaker 1: love to hear your thoughts on this. Thank you so 1049 00:55:11,280 --> 00:55:14,319 Speaker 1: much for watching everyone. I want to make sure that 1050 00:55:14,360 --> 00:55:19,680 Speaker 1: you think about what is your value right now in relationships? Like, 1051 00:55:19,719 --> 00:55:21,800 Speaker 1: think about it, whether you're single, whether you're in a relationship, 1052 00:55:21,800 --> 00:55:24,359 Speaker 1: whether you've been married, whether you've just broken up. What 1053 00:55:24,640 --> 00:55:27,480 Speaker 1: is the current value in your life that you're looking 1054 00:55:27,520 --> 00:55:31,200 Speaker 1: for and what does that require? Does that require you 1055 00:55:31,239 --> 00:55:32,560 Speaker 1: to be single, does that require you to be in 1056 00:55:32,560 --> 00:55:36,440 Speaker 1: a relationship, and what type of relationship? Leave your value 1057 00:55:36,480 --> 00:55:38,520 Speaker 1: in the comments below, let us know what your values are. 1058 00:55:38,600 --> 00:55:40,319 Speaker 1: Let us know topics that you want us to dive 1059 00:55:40,320 --> 00:55:43,000 Speaker 1: into deeper. Maybe there was something that we didn't quite 1060 00:55:43,000 --> 00:55:44,759 Speaker 1: get into and you're like, please, please, please talk a 1061 00:55:44,760 --> 00:55:46,719 Speaker 1: bit more about that. We will do that. I want 1062 00:55:46,719 --> 00:55:48,600 Speaker 1: to make sure that you follow the School of Greatness 1063 00:55:48,600 --> 00:55:53,280 Speaker 1: and Lewis House across social media, YouTube, Apple podcasts, Spotify podcast. 1064 00:55:53,440 --> 00:55:56,040 Speaker 1: Make sure you subscribe to know that you don't miss 1065 00:55:56,040 --> 00:55:58,280 Speaker 1: out on one of these episodes that we're doing together. 1066 00:55:58,800 --> 00:56:00,680 Speaker 1: We're so grateful to have you. Make sure that you 1067 00:56:00,760 --> 00:56:04,359 Speaker 1: go and find someone to share this conversation with and 1068 00:56:04,520 --> 00:56:07,040 Speaker 1: have your awkward conversation of your own, like we want 1069 00:56:07,080 --> 00:56:09,880 Speaker 1: you to get awkward. Thank you for listening watching us today, 1070 00:56:10,120 --> 00:56:15,920 Speaker 1: and we'll see you on the next one.