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Speaker 1: Hi everyone, I'm Rachel Zoe and you're listening to Works

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Speaker 1: for Us, where we talk to people about what works

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Speaker 1: for them and their relationships and of course what doesn't. Okay,

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Speaker 1: So the holiday season can be an absolutely magical time

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Speaker 1: of year, but it can also be a very stressful

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Speaker 1: time for many people because family time is amazing, but

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Speaker 1: sometimes seeing lots of relatives all at once can be

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Speaker 1: extremely overwhelming, which I have felt more times than I

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Speaker 1: can imagine, and anyone can imagine. It's hard to enjoy

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Speaker 1: your family's companies sometimes if she's just going to grill

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Speaker 1: you about your personal life, which inevitably happens, and it's

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Speaker 1: hard to relax when your uncle won't stop talking about

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Speaker 1: politics that you don't believe in. So how do we

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Speaker 1: find a way to actually enjoy the season and keep

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Speaker 1: our relationships intact? Well, Today's guest, doctor Darcy Sterling, is

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Speaker 1: going to help us all figure this out. Doctor Darcy,

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Speaker 1: as she's often called, is a licensed clinical social worker

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Speaker 1: and known for hosting e networks. Famously single, she's also

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Speaker 1: the former Global ambassador of Tinder. Doctor Darcy shares her

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Speaker 1: New York City practice with her wife's stuff, a couple's therapist,

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Speaker 1: where they specialize in helping people thrive in their relationships.

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Speaker 1: One of the most widely quoted relationship therapists in the country,

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Speaker 1: Doctor Darcy frequently offers her expert advice to national outlets

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Speaker 1: including Cosmopolitan, Harper's Bizarre, Kande Nask, Huffington Post, and many more.

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Speaker 1: Welcome to works for us. I'm very excited to talk

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Speaker 1: to you today. You know, after twenty twenty. I think

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Speaker 1: people seeing their families now, they're grateful to have the

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Speaker 1: opportunity after so long, some people two years now, right,

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Speaker 1: But it doesn't mean it's not hard, and in some

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Speaker 1: ways it might even be harder. So like what I guess,

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Speaker 1: kinds of issues are most common when you're spending time

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Speaker 1: with your families. And I mean the holidays are obviously

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Speaker 1: a time that ones together. But then I here as

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Speaker 1: many people excited to see their families as I hear dreading.

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Speaker 1: It's so interesting. The holidays, to be clear, were challenging

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Speaker 1: for people before the pandemic. Of course, people have historically

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Speaker 1: been surprised to learn that shrinks have busy seasons. This

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Speaker 1: is the busy season, so basically from mid October and

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Speaker 1: certainly from end of October up until the end of

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Speaker 1: the year. If I could clone myself three times over,

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Speaker 1: I could fill three other shrinks caseloads. Wow, that's how many.

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Speaker 1: I mean because just my existing clients want more support.

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Speaker 1: I get there's this influx from of new clients that

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Speaker 1: want to work with me. But on top of it,

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Speaker 1: we're now dealing with this This is a real juxtaposition.

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Speaker 1: And you said it perfectly when we first started talking.

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Speaker 1: You were like, there are lots of people who are

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Speaker 1: excited haven't seen their families in a year, maybe two years,

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Speaker 1: and then there's but at the same time, it doesn't

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Speaker 1: have to be in either or scenario. People can chew

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Speaker 1: gum and walk at the same time and recognize that

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Speaker 1: it's great to be able to see our families again.

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Speaker 1: And wow, last year, what a reprieve that was. What

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Speaker 1: a breadth of fresh air that was. It was enforced.

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Speaker 1: We didn't have to make up anything, no excuses. The

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Speaker 1: amount of money, time, energy, focus that it just takes

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Speaker 1: to get through life, let alone the holiday season and

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Speaker 1: the extra social obligations and the extra everything was taxing

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Speaker 1: before the pandemic. Now most of us are out of practice,

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Speaker 1: lots of us are out of practice with it. I

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Speaker 1: don't know what your pandemic life. What was your pandemic

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Speaker 1: life like pemic life. It's weird. I feel guilty saying

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Speaker 1: it because I was so shook by what was happening

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Speaker 1: in the world, right, but I really was, you know,

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Speaker 1: pandemic orthodox for less for lack of a better term,

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Speaker 1: Like I really didn't leave the house very much. I

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Speaker 1: really didn't see people outside of my kids and my husband,

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Speaker 1: and I didn't even see the closest members of my

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Speaker 1: team for like three or four months in the beginning.

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Speaker 1: So I was really strict, like I'm I was a

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Speaker 1: believer immediately, and when people were like, this is going

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Speaker 1: to be over in two weeks, I'm booking my summer vacation,

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Speaker 1: I was like, this is going to be two years.

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Speaker 1: And I knew it because that's how I've always looked

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Speaker 1: at my life. I'm a virgo and I'm also like

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Speaker 1: me too, Oh, so you understand, I don't have to

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Speaker 1: tell you. So I really understand. Everything's on a spreadsheet.

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Speaker 1: It is, and it's very like I immediately project the

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Speaker 1: worst outcome so that I'm not shocked by what upins

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Speaker 1: because that way you see the glass half full. Everything

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Speaker 1: is possible. Yeah, I do, but I still trick myself

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Speaker 1: into going, this is going to be two years. It's

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Speaker 1: going to be great if it's six months. But in

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Speaker 1: my mind, I'm already at the two years. So but

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Speaker 1: here's the thing, as you know, I'm just curious, like,

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Speaker 1: but my pandemic was know, what was it like when

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Speaker 1: you first started socializing, when you first started seeing people

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Speaker 1: were about to go that's what people are about to

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Speaker 1: go through in this holiday season. Well, here's the thing.

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Speaker 1: What I've learned from a lot of my friends and

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Speaker 1: people going through the pandemic, if you really are close

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Speaker 1: with your nuclear family and happy at home, then the

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Speaker 1: pandemic was nice for you. That When I say the pandemic,

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Speaker 1: obviously taking out the tragedy people dying, I'm just saying

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Speaker 1: as being like insular death aside, yes, like all of

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Speaker 1: the trauma. I'm just saying in the actual being for

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Speaker 1: me being able to stop and be able to I

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Speaker 1: was working like crazy, but never leaving my children, and

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Speaker 1: that was heaven for me. Like I never get sick

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Speaker 1: of them. I never don't want to be with them.

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Speaker 1: I never I don't like to miss things with them.

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Speaker 1: So for me to not have the pressure of being

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Speaker 1: pulled out was really nice. And I you know, as

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Speaker 1: I said, Roger and I have been together thirty years.

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Speaker 1: We know how to be together in any scenario and

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Speaker 1: that's amazing. But that is really amazing. I literally So

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Speaker 1: did the pandemic impact your relationship at all? I would

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Speaker 1: say there were moments a thing with Rogers like he

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Speaker 1: needs to get out and he needs to be in motion.

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Speaker 1: So my little son is like that too. They need

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Speaker 1: to move, they get wiggles, they aunty like crazy. So

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Speaker 1: when Roger figured out that he could go on like

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Speaker 1: three hour walks, that changed the game and we moved

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Speaker 1: and we are in nature and we like have we

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Speaker 1: can like it. There was an ability for him to

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Speaker 1: work in one place all day and me work in

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Speaker 1: another place all day and then come together for dinner

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Speaker 1: or see each other in the morning. So it wasn't

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Speaker 1: like we were on top of each other all day,

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Speaker 1: because it was I was like, you need to go

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Speaker 1: in another area. You just need to go in another area.

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Speaker 1: I was like, because you walking all day and me

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Speaker 1: hearing you pacing, I'm losing my mind. I was like,

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Speaker 1: because I'm here and I'm like this, and I'm very zen,

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Speaker 1: and he was like pacing above me. And then every

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Speaker 1: once in a while, my little son would come in

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Speaker 1: and like jump around me, and I was like zooming,

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Speaker 1: and you would see kaius going this way, and I'd

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Speaker 1: hear Roger above me, and I was like, this isn't

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Speaker 1: going to work. You need to go in. This is

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Speaker 1: not sustainable. Is not sustainable, right. But what I did

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Speaker 1: realize is that people in the pandemic either came out

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Speaker 1: pregnant or divorced. And I feel like there was a

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Speaker 1: very very rare few that were the middle ground and

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Speaker 1: coming off of like basically sixteen months of not seeing

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Speaker 1: outside people, I think that Roger and I can pretty

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Speaker 1: much survive anything. Honestly, I said the same about my wife.

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Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, you realize we can. We can

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Speaker 1: sustain anything. Yeah, nothing will break us up unless one

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Speaker 1: of us just decides to stop trying, right, Like that's

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Speaker 1: the jam. But I agree that through this, I think

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Speaker 1: this was I think the pandemic was the biggest life test,

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Speaker 1: relationship test of anything for everybody because you had no

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Speaker 1: choice but to be together, right unless you were unless

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Speaker 1: God forbid, you were separated. And I don't know what

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Speaker 1: was worse. I had clients in both cohorts, and it

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Speaker 1: was bad for both of them. You know, my wife

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Speaker 1: and I are in New York City. We had to rent.

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Speaker 1: I had to rent a house. Yea, there is no

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Speaker 1: such thing as social distancing in New York City, so

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Speaker 1: it was impossible to do the pandemic in any sort

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Speaker 1: of appropriate way. We used to be there, said Roger. Think, God,

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Speaker 1: we're not there right now. Well I was. We were

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Speaker 1: out of here, you know, quickly. We had We have

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Speaker 1: very good friends in Milan who were three weeks ahead

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Speaker 1: of us, and when they started looking for a rental house,

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Speaker 1: we started looking for a rental house. And good because like,

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Speaker 1: we're both relationship therapists, and like I mean, I'm being

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Speaker 1: sort of tongue in cheek and literal, how bad for

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Speaker 1: the brand if one of us kills ourselves or somebody

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Speaker 1: for each other, you know what I'm saying, Like the

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Speaker 1: whole family income is predicated on us being a relationship experts.

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Speaker 1: One of us was going down. It was not we thought.

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Speaker 1: We spent a lot of time together before this pandemic

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Speaker 1: because we because we worked together. Because you know, lesbians,

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Speaker 1: we can't spend enough time together. And people would say

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Speaker 1: to us, how do you spend so much time together?

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Speaker 1: And I would say, honestly, sometimes like we're in separate rooms.

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Speaker 1: We share a waiting room. Sometimes we'll walk out to

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Speaker 1: the waiting room to see our clients look at each other,

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Speaker 1: but we're in the same Brigan outfit and like all

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Speaker 1: of us laugh because I've not seen her all day long.

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Speaker 1: We didn't realize like that we're literally dressed in the

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Speaker 1: same Out's amazing, by the way, And then it wasn't

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Speaker 1: as on top of each other. We didn't know what

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Speaker 1: on top of each other was. Yeah, until the pandemic.

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Speaker 1: I think there's a difference, Listen. I think I've always

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Speaker 1: been more of a homebody because my work is so social.

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Speaker 1: Part of my job is really like being at work

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Speaker 1: events like several nights a week and travel and this

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Speaker 1: and that. And I think Roger has always really loved

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Speaker 1: that part of his job where he likes to really

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Speaker 1: get out like he does. And I'm really okay like

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Speaker 1: being home with my kids and they're still little, so

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Speaker 1: I'm just holding on to every second. So for me,

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Speaker 1: I looked at that time as a real gift and

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Speaker 1: I think listen. You know, like as you get older,

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Speaker 1: you really wean certain people out of your life, and

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Speaker 1: I think the pandemic was a way to really edit

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Speaker 1: that in a way. And I think, really embrace your introvertedness.

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Speaker 1: If you are a secret introvert, I think you know.

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Speaker 1: But I think for a lot of people, I had

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Speaker 1: friends that were losing their minds, and then I had

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Speaker 1: friends that were literally living for it and never wanted

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Speaker 1: to like go back to real life again. And then

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Speaker 1: some people who only now some people who are only

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Speaker 1: now realizing, oh wait, there were things I learned during

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Speaker 1: that pandemic. I don't want to give those things up, yes,

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Speaker 1: And that sort of in leading up to the holidays,

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Speaker 1: there is this all of this pressure around the holidays

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Speaker 1: and what I'm hearing from so many of my clients

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Speaker 1: and the outpouring of people wanting to work with me

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Speaker 1: that you know, only because it's the busy season, not

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Speaker 1: because I'm some kind of fabulous therapist. So I think

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Speaker 1: you're probably a fabulous therapist, thank you, because there are

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Speaker 1: twenty So the fact that they want you, you clearly

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Speaker 1: are doing something right. That's kind of you. But the

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Speaker 1: whole world went into a critical like a traumatic event together,

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Speaker 1: and people who didn't even contemplate therapy before twenty twenty, yes,

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Speaker 1: began seeking it out. And so what I'm hearing from

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Speaker 1: so many people is like, wait, is there like a

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Speaker 1: way to do this holiday season without having to do

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Speaker 1: what like, without it pretending it's twenty nineteen all over again? Rights,

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Speaker 1: it's a hard yes, And I imagine it's funny. I

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Speaker 1: was just going to ask you, like, what is the

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Speaker 1: most common thing that people are really coming in like, help?

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Speaker 1: I don't know how to go back to my life.

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Speaker 1: I really enjoyed zooming with my family instead of being

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Speaker 1: with my family. Is there a way that you can

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Speaker 1: baby step into that? Because I don't know how you

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Speaker 1: do that. So I think that's just this is the

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Speaker 1: first holiday season that people are literally that for people

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Speaker 1: who were Orthodox like you were and I was during

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Speaker 1: the pandemic, that's such a great way, by the way

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Speaker 1: of describing it said, there's Orthodox, conservative and reformed right

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Speaker 1: now and atheists. Yeah. Yeah, I think that they've done

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Speaker 1: the research and have confirmed that there's no such thing

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Speaker 1: as a problem or a pandemic, nothing, nothing, because because

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Speaker 1: all these people have died of thin air, I just

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Speaker 1: can't so. So I think that because it's the first

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Speaker 1: holiday season, I don't think that we have exactly honed

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Speaker 1: in on what exactly are the compromises. I think that

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Speaker 1: in eight weeks we're going to know what the compromises

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Speaker 1: could have been. Um, but imagining, like looking forward and

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Speaker 1: imagining what those what those compromises are, I mean, for sure,

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Speaker 1: if it's possible. Look, anytime we go back to the

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Speaker 1: family unit. I don't know if you have this experience,

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Speaker 1: but I, unfortunately do. I regress back to my birth order.

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Speaker 1: I'm the youngest. I immediately turn into a sixteen year

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Speaker 1: old who has an attitude. I mean, and I'm really

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Speaker 1: I'm a pretty agreeable person, Like I'm a people pleas

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Speaker 1: are alike to overdelire a promise. I am. All my

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Speaker 1: stuff gets done. Nobody has to micromanage me, although I

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Speaker 1: do appreciate it when people try. And you know, it's

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Speaker 1: just so coming into the family unit, we do have

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Speaker 1: a propensity to fall into the familial role that we

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Speaker 1: left as and that is incredibly stressful. Whether the family

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Speaker 1: is projecting that role onto us, meaning are they imagining

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Speaker 1: that we're the same person we were when we were

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Speaker 1: living at home while living under the same roof. Do

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Speaker 1: they not see us clearly as the adults that we are,

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Speaker 1: or do we literally kind of fall back into that

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Speaker 1: old role. It's incredibly stressful. So my first go to

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Speaker 1: with people is telling them, like, honestly, don't stay with

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Speaker 1: family if you don't have to, because it's better to

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Speaker 1: enjoy the company. And I know that this is there's

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Speaker 1: a huge breach for I get that this is a

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Speaker 1: huge breach for a lot of families. I mean, my

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Speaker 1: family was dead against it until I got like until

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Speaker 1: I got a stomach flu one year and I was like, now,

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Speaker 1: now will you let me stay in a hotel now

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Speaker 1: that I'm disgusting, Can I now stay in a hotel

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Speaker 1: instead of with you, so that when I'm clean and

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Speaker 1: and no longer walking plague, I can come visit and

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Speaker 1: we can have a nice time together instead of you know,

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Speaker 1: I love my sister, but those kids woke me up

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Speaker 1: at six am every morning when I used to stay

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Speaker 1: there when they were a little and like I just

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Speaker 1: needed I needed sleep. So I really encourage people to

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Speaker 1: stay at a local hotel if they're the ones who

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Speaker 1: are traveling back home. Okay, so if you're struggling to

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Speaker 1: think of gift ideas for that person in your life

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Speaker 1: who seems to have absolutely everything, I have a suggestion.

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Speaker 1: Surprise him with a new pair of Raycon wireless earbuds.

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Speaker 1: I absolutely love my Raycons because even though I love

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Speaker 1: working from home, sometimes I need to find a way

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Speaker 1: to quickly focus on work, and that is not always

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Speaker 1: easy at home. As many of you probably no, Popping

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Speaker 1: in my Raycons allows me to listen to all of

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Speaker 1: they have seamless Bluetooth pairing and a comfortable noise isolating fit.

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Speaker 1: The audio quality is amazing and very comparable to what

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Speaker 1: half the price and these earbuds are truly next level.

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Speaker 1: The new everyday earbuds come with three new sound profiles

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Speaker 1: to make sure everything you're listening to sounds its best

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Speaker 1: with just the right amount of base. For listening to

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Speaker 1: this podcast, I'd suggest using pure or balanced mode and

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00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:02,280
Speaker 1: switching to base mode when you're listening to your favorite

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Speaker 1: and you can take calls in your earbuds at the

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00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:15,360
Speaker 1: press of a button. So this holiday season, get them

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Speaker 1: something they can use for calls or music for work,

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Speaker 1: to miss it. That's by raycon dot Com slash zo

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Speaker 1: Raycon dot Com slash Zoe. Can I tell you something

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Speaker 1: I have now for the last at least five years,

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Speaker 1: maybe more. I am so close with my family. They

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Speaker 1: live across the country. They're in New York in Florida,

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Speaker 1: and and I'm in California and I'm from New York.

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Speaker 1: But like, it's the weirdest thing, because I don't think

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Speaker 1: we've all ever been closer, And I think I think

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Speaker 1: what I learned and stood my ground on about five

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Speaker 1: years ago or more now is that even when we're

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Speaker 1: together in the summer and there was like, come stay here,

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Speaker 1: we have so much Grandmoma. I literally said to Roger,

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Speaker 1: I think it's really best for everyone involved that we

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Speaker 1: have our own place. And why has it worked for you?

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Speaker 1: It has really worked because there are boundaries, and I think,

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Speaker 1: especially when you have your own children, I think that

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Speaker 1: there is. And when I tell you I have the

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Speaker 1: best case scenario of a family, like that's a thing,

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Speaker 1: like I am so blessed. I really am, and I'm

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Speaker 1: so aware of that. But I do realize it's different

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Speaker 1: when they come here because it's short. It's like they

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Speaker 1: come for like five days or whatever. Everything's great, six

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Speaker 1: seven days, whatever. But when we go there for the summer,

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Speaker 1: it's months, right, And I've just realized that when we

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Speaker 1: have our own place, you can exist in your own space.

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Speaker 1: You can jump in, you can jump out, you can

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Speaker 1: take a few hours off, you can roll alone, and

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Speaker 1: you can roll together. But I think at the end

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Speaker 1: of the day, part of the family drama gets created

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Speaker 1: when there's no separation and you can't walk out of

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Speaker 1: the room. I think there's something about having personal space

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Speaker 1: that just gives us all a minute. It's like having

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Speaker 1: a dressing room. Yes, you know, on set. It's literally

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Speaker 1: like being able to just escape into a closet for

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Speaker 1: an hour or two, get yourself together, have whatever emotions

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Speaker 1: you need to have, and then come back and they

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Speaker 1: get to see the better version of you. I would

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Speaker 1: like to teach a class on personal space. That's how

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Speaker 1: much I believe in personal space. I actually am such

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Speaker 1: an advocate are the importance and necessity literally of personal space.

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Speaker 1: And when I met my husband, when I met Roger,

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Speaker 1: the first thing that I had an issue with with

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Speaker 1: his family was the lack of respect for personal space.

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Speaker 1: There was like a it was sort of you know

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Speaker 1: that people just linger. They linger, and they come and

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Speaker 1: they linger and they don't leave. And like his friends

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Speaker 1: that don't leave, And I'm like, it's so they come

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Speaker 1: or they did. They were talking like they come for

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Speaker 1: a weekend and don't go home, or they come for

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Speaker 1: the night and there's two in the morning and they

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Speaker 1: have a last just there is And here's the thing

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Speaker 1: in all of these people's defense, I think, and you

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Speaker 1: probably know this as an actual professional, the people that

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Speaker 1: don't have a respect for personal space are people that

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Speaker 1: don't require personal space. So I am extra extra respectful

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Speaker 1: of boundaries and personal space because I'm so obsessed with

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Speaker 1: personal space. I need personal space, and it's like it's

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Speaker 1: something that I find to be so important. And it's

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Speaker 1: weird because I actually love being the people that are

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Speaker 1: in my circle. I want to be with them all

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Speaker 1: the time. Like I don't travel by myself. I don't

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Speaker 1: I rarely stay home by myself. But yet I really

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Speaker 1: want that person alone time. But I want to know

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Speaker 1: you're still in the house over there, you know. Right,

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Speaker 1: It's the weirdest thing. But I find that there's people

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Speaker 1: that don't know when to leave, and that's like always

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Speaker 1: an issue for me, you know, or like I see

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Speaker 1: you want to be alone, but I'm still going to

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Speaker 1: come over there anyway. Right, I don't understand that. I

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Speaker 1: truly don't understand that either. I mean, and I can

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Speaker 1: be incredibly direct, and I will be if I if

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Speaker 1: I need to be. Literally, so we are the house

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Speaker 1: that always hosts and the Thanksgiving before the pandemic when

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Speaker 1: you talk about people lingering, and I actually am touched

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Speaker 1: by this because people don't do it overnight. As long

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Speaker 1: as it's just in one day, I can handle it.

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Speaker 1: I can tolerate it. But my guests stayed so long

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Speaker 1: that at two in the morning, I fell asleep on

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Speaker 1: the floor leaning into the coffee table with a glass

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Speaker 1: of wine in my hand. So that happens. Yeah, and

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Speaker 1: they didn't take the hint therapies still there when you

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Speaker 1: were no on. They kept talking till four. My wife said,

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Speaker 1: she told me they didn't leave till four. And I'm

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Speaker 1: unflattered by that because I do feel like I want

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Speaker 1: to make a warm, warm home. I want to make

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Speaker 1: a welcoming home. I think personal space is so important

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Speaker 1: on the holidays, and I also think it's important that Look,

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Speaker 1: we have never been a more tribal and divided country

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Speaker 1: than we are right now. I'm literally just going to

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Speaker 1: ask you about what you do. And God, we're very connected,

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Speaker 1: aren't we. Herges I listen, birds of a feather, what

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Speaker 1: do you do? I'm very fortunate because my family is

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Speaker 1: so left, so and blue, and my mom like went

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Speaker 1: to Berkeley and was like protesting and got arrested. You know,

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00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:09,879
Speaker 1: she's like not now now, she just looks like a

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Speaker 1: Jewish Elizabeth Taylor. But she's honestly, Rachel. There's like between

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Speaker 1: your loving nuclear family that is like the ideal family.

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00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:19,720
Speaker 1: And I'm just salivating over that, and now you're telling

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Speaker 1: me that I don't know, no, what's perfect? Really no, no, no,

401
00:23:25,240 --> 00:23:28,680
Speaker 1: but like we don't the reason. But listen, they have

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00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:33,120
Speaker 1: friends that are like family, that are very right, and

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00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:36,600
Speaker 1: so there's been a huge issue over the last couple

404
00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:40,280
Speaker 1: of years with disconnecting with friends. There's friends that Roger

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00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:42,320
Speaker 1: and I have that we always would invite over for

406
00:23:42,359 --> 00:23:48,680
Speaker 1: her holidays that are so red and just we can't.

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00:23:48,720 --> 00:23:51,920
Speaker 1: I literally said to Roger, like, here's a thing. I

408
00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:54,399
Speaker 1: have no issues with blue and red. I have issues

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00:23:54,440 --> 00:23:57,959
Speaker 1: with a certain person. And so my issue is that

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00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:01,440
Speaker 1: if you without getting too deep into it, but if

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00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:06,520
Speaker 1: you're someone that loves and respects said person, that's a

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00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:08,880
Speaker 1: bigger issue. I can't have you over for the holiday

413
00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:14,600
Speaker 1: because I'm going to get really fiery about this. The

414
00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:18,399
Speaker 1: holidays are finally here this year. Give yourself the gift

415
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Speaker 1: card balances, and save with a credit card consolidation loan

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Speaker 1: thousand dollars. Seriously, there are no fees and you can

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Speaker 1: even get your money as soon as the day before

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437
00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:49,320
Speaker 1: it's it's about who the person supports politically for you

438
00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:54,359
Speaker 1: in this particular season. Yeah, yes, yeah, it's not about

439
00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:57,719
Speaker 1: Republican and Democrat. Like, yes, I'm I'm a Democrat. I've

440
00:25:57,720 --> 00:26:00,199
Speaker 1: always have been. I grew up that way. But like,

441
00:26:00,320 --> 00:26:03,200
Speaker 1: if you're a Republican, that's so I'm not gonna I'm

442
00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:06,040
Speaker 1: not mad at you for that. It's just having respect

443
00:26:06,080 --> 00:26:10,520
Speaker 1: for a certain person that I feel, you know, should

444
00:26:10,520 --> 00:26:16,480
Speaker 1: not be respected, right. I understand we're the dog whistle

445
00:26:16,600 --> 00:26:19,679
Speaker 1: is blaring, yeah, And I'm with you on that. I

446
00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:25,520
Speaker 1: will tell you. So, I feel torn professionally and personally

447
00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:28,600
Speaker 1: because I'm living through the same era that everybody else

448
00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:30,440
Speaker 1: is living through. And I didn't think you could get

449
00:26:30,440 --> 00:26:33,720
Speaker 1: more divided than we were in twenty sixteen. It turns

450
00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:37,000
Speaker 1: out it turns out we like every time I think

451
00:26:37,080 --> 00:26:39,080
Speaker 1: that we've hit a bottom, it turns out there's a

452
00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:43,760
Speaker 1: basement door that we could go into. And so I

453
00:26:43,760 --> 00:26:51,560
Speaker 1: I am concerned both professionally, morally and as a citizen

454
00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:57,480
Speaker 1: and as an individual for what our world looks like

455
00:26:58,119 --> 00:27:01,840
Speaker 1: if we don't find a way to come together. I

456
00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:09,680
Speaker 1: worries me. It concerns me. You know, I have struggled

457
00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:14,359
Speaker 1: myself with people, particularly homophobic people. That's always easy or

458
00:27:14,440 --> 00:27:17,800
Speaker 1: me as a gay person, it's a very easy wine

459
00:27:17,840 --> 00:27:21,120
Speaker 1: for me to draw on the sand. But it seems

460
00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:24,320
Speaker 1: to me like it's not getting better. Those sorts of

461
00:27:25,119 --> 00:27:31,240
Speaker 1: bottom lines have only created greater divisions, and I think

462
00:27:31,280 --> 00:27:33,439
Speaker 1: we have to find a way to talk. Well, what

463
00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:35,520
Speaker 1: how you do about that? Speaking of that, what do

464
00:27:35,560 --> 00:27:39,120
Speaker 1: you do when you have a homophobic relative and at

465
00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:44,080
Speaker 1: dinner who's disapproving and you're trying you're a child trying

466
00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:46,800
Speaker 1: to come out, or you're an adult trying to come

467
00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:49,360
Speaker 1: out at a holiday, or it came out and they're

468
00:27:49,359 --> 00:27:52,359
Speaker 1: in denial. What happens? You must get this all that

469
00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:54,679
Speaker 1: not you, I mean, like in your practice, I can

470
00:27:54,720 --> 00:27:59,800
Speaker 1: only imagine, No, I mean because that makes me mental

471
00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:02,920
Speaker 1: to I think I want to use a different analogy

472
00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:05,159
Speaker 1: that is less close to my heart so that I

473
00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:09,240
Speaker 1: can be more professional or personal. So let's just imagine

474
00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:13,680
Speaker 1: your scenario, because it's a very understandable and common scenario

475
00:28:13,800 --> 00:28:17,760
Speaker 1: where like, you know, somebody voted for a certain person

476
00:28:17,920 --> 00:28:21,320
Speaker 1: who we will not name, and the fact that they

477
00:28:21,680 --> 00:28:27,080
Speaker 1: could bypass all the data points that everybody knows to

478
00:28:27,119 --> 00:28:30,600
Speaker 1: be true about what that person has done, who that

479
00:28:30,640 --> 00:28:35,919
Speaker 1: person is disregarded, and that what that person's motivations are,

480
00:28:36,240 --> 00:28:40,120
Speaker 1: they were still able to cobble up the internal support

481
00:28:40,520 --> 00:28:44,360
Speaker 1: to vote for that person. I think that's a very

482
00:28:44,360 --> 00:28:50,040
Speaker 1: common scenario. That people are in right now. And I

483
00:28:50,120 --> 00:28:53,360
Speaker 1: guess what I would encourage people to do is, you know,

484
00:28:53,920 --> 00:29:00,520
Speaker 1: communication one oh one involves mirroring and validating people's perspectives.

485
00:29:00,720 --> 00:29:04,160
Speaker 1: And before you vomiting your mouth, let me just lean

486
00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:08,960
Speaker 1: into this. I think we have to try and dismantle

487
00:29:09,080 --> 00:29:13,080
Speaker 1: some of our presuppositions, some of our biases about who

488
00:29:13,120 --> 00:29:17,840
Speaker 1: our family members are, because they don't even have to

489
00:29:17,880 --> 00:29:21,400
Speaker 1: say the full sentences for us to fill in the subtext.

490
00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:25,160
Speaker 1: We see the raised eyebrow if they're not like completely botoxed,

491
00:29:25,560 --> 00:29:27,680
Speaker 1: you know, we see them raising the eyebrow, We see

492
00:29:27,680 --> 00:29:31,360
Speaker 1: them squinting their eyes. We hear the hoof or the

493
00:29:31,560 --> 00:29:34,080
Speaker 1: arms are crossed in front of them. The body language

494
00:29:34,080 --> 00:29:37,280
Speaker 1: communicates so much to us, and we feel in all

495
00:29:37,360 --> 00:29:39,800
Speaker 1: the rest we feel in this whole narrative about what

496
00:29:39,880 --> 00:29:43,960
Speaker 1: that all means. But if you can get beneath the

497
00:29:45,280 --> 00:29:49,240
Speaker 1: ways in which the needs manifest and just get to

498
00:29:49,280 --> 00:29:52,600
Speaker 1: the human emotion and try and connect to that, If

499
00:29:52,600 --> 00:29:55,160
Speaker 1: that doesn't sound too aspirational, I mean, I don't know

500
00:29:55,200 --> 00:29:58,120
Speaker 1: what the alternative is. Can we really cut any more

501
00:29:58,160 --> 00:30:03,640
Speaker 1: people out of our lives? So we're obviously exploring this

502
00:30:03,680 --> 00:30:07,320
Speaker 1: theme a lot today, but we know the holidays can

503
00:30:07,320 --> 00:30:11,800
Speaker 1: be really, really tough for people. The family dynamics, additional

504
00:30:11,800 --> 00:30:16,520
Speaker 1: expenses and travel can be completely overwhelming for so many

505
00:30:17,200 --> 00:30:20,720
Speaker 1: So if you're struggling right now, you are most definitely

506
00:30:20,760 --> 00:30:24,200
Speaker 1: not alone. But I will say talking to a professional

507
00:30:24,240 --> 00:30:27,800
Speaker 1: who can help you manage your stress is absolutely essential

508
00:30:28,120 --> 00:30:30,880
Speaker 1: now more than ever. And if you're looking for a

509
00:30:30,960 --> 00:30:34,880
Speaker 1: great online therapy option, I cannot recommend talk Space enough.

510
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Speaker 1: Talk Space is the number one online therapy platform. There

511
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512
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513
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Speaker 1: so much more. They will pair you with a therapist

514
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515
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Speaker 1: significant life changes in anything else that may be overwhelming

516
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517
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521
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Speaker 1: and honestly, that's how therapy has always benefited me most,

524
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Speaker 1: what overwhelms me with much greater ease. If you need

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Speaker 1: and use codeworks twenty. Well, yeah, the alternative is, you know,

553
00:33:30,160 --> 00:33:34,080
Speaker 1: I have a very dear friend who you know, doesn't

554
00:33:34,080 --> 00:33:36,800
Speaker 1: believe you know, you didn't get to choose your family,

555
00:33:37,040 --> 00:33:41,280
Speaker 1: and he doesn't I'm not saying it's the right thing,

556
00:33:41,440 --> 00:33:45,360
Speaker 1: but he's like, we don't see eyed on one thing.

557
00:33:45,520 --> 00:33:48,120
Speaker 1: I see no reason to spend my time there, you know.

558
00:33:48,360 --> 00:33:50,600
Speaker 1: And he's really loved his life. Okay with that, I

559
00:33:50,600 --> 00:33:53,280
Speaker 1: mean he's been in therapy forever. But you know, but

560
00:33:53,360 --> 00:33:56,440
Speaker 1: I think but I think there's layers right, and ultimately,

561
00:33:56,480 --> 00:33:58,360
Speaker 1: I think one thing we've probably come out of the

562
00:33:58,400 --> 00:34:02,800
Speaker 1: pandemic is probably doing what makes you feel good and

563
00:34:02,960 --> 00:34:06,960
Speaker 1: doing what makes you happy. But then on contrary to that,

564
00:34:07,040 --> 00:34:09,560
Speaker 1: I would say to hold on to every second with

565
00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:13,840
Speaker 1: your family, if you're happy when you're with them. Ultimately,

566
00:34:13,880 --> 00:34:16,160
Speaker 1: if you can find moments of happiness, that's the thing.

567
00:34:16,160 --> 00:34:18,160
Speaker 1: And I think, if I'll be honest with you, I think,

568
00:34:18,160 --> 00:34:21,640
Speaker 1: if you can't, don't do it your friends, be with

569
00:34:21,680 --> 00:34:24,840
Speaker 1: the people that make you happy. Life's too short. I

570
00:34:25,200 --> 00:34:28,000
Speaker 1: was walking into a liance down with my family. Honestly,

571
00:34:28,680 --> 00:34:30,359
Speaker 1: I will be dead honest with you, I don't think

572
00:34:30,400 --> 00:34:33,200
Speaker 1: i'd go. I don't think i'd go. I'd say, led

573
00:34:33,320 --> 00:34:35,640
Speaker 1: zoom this year, I'm gonna like stay here with my

574
00:34:35,680 --> 00:34:38,840
Speaker 1: friends or whatever, just because why do it at this point?

575
00:34:39,000 --> 00:34:42,160
Speaker 1: Like seriously, why do it? Like it's like if you

576
00:34:42,200 --> 00:34:44,399
Speaker 1: don't feel good, it's not making your kids feel good,

577
00:34:44,440 --> 00:34:47,239
Speaker 1: Like what's anybody doing? And I think for me, I

578
00:34:47,239 --> 00:34:50,719
Speaker 1: would actually take the opposite way and say, like, I

579
00:34:50,760 --> 00:34:52,719
Speaker 1: think you have to do what works best for you.

580
00:34:52,800 --> 00:34:55,120
Speaker 1: I think everyone in this life deserves to be happy.

581
00:34:55,440 --> 00:35:01,040
Speaker 1: And I think to put yourself in situations where you're unhappy, knowingly,

582
00:35:01,840 --> 00:35:03,879
Speaker 1: why are you doing that? Is it the right thing

583
00:35:03,920 --> 00:35:06,319
Speaker 1: to do? It's not about it being the right thing

584
00:35:06,360 --> 00:35:08,720
Speaker 1: to do. I think that if you think about people

585
00:35:08,880 --> 00:35:11,160
Speaker 1: on a bell curve, you've got the tail ends, the

586
00:35:11,239 --> 00:35:15,160
Speaker 1: people who are like blissfully happily, really happy with their

587
00:35:15,200 --> 00:35:18,480
Speaker 1: families like yours, and people who are really unhappy with

588
00:35:18,520 --> 00:35:20,759
Speaker 1: their families. But I think most people fall in the

589
00:35:20,760 --> 00:35:24,000
Speaker 1: middle with moments of and it's just the right thing

590
00:35:24,040 --> 00:35:26,120
Speaker 1: to do, and this is what we do. It's not

591
00:35:26,200 --> 00:35:28,960
Speaker 1: even about it being right and wrong. Here's the thing relationship.

592
00:35:29,000 --> 00:35:33,319
Speaker 1: What I have learned. You know, my wife's steph. This

593
00:35:33,440 --> 00:35:36,280
Speaker 1: is my second marriage. My first marriage didn't end because

594
00:35:36,320 --> 00:35:38,719
Speaker 1: I was gay. It ended because it ended because we

595
00:35:38,840 --> 00:35:42,600
Speaker 1: decided to stop trying, what I will say, and it

596
00:35:42,640 --> 00:35:45,440
Speaker 1: was a nothing fight that led to that. What I

597
00:35:45,440 --> 00:35:51,360
Speaker 1: will say is that they're relationships are very fragile. They're

598
00:35:51,560 --> 00:35:54,520
Speaker 1: very fragile, and we don't always know what is going

599
00:35:54,640 --> 00:35:56,640
Speaker 1: to be the thing that is going to call us

600
00:35:56,800 --> 00:36:00,600
Speaker 1: the house of cards to come tumbling down. And and

601
00:36:00,680 --> 00:36:03,359
Speaker 1: I don't think most people are at the extreme of

602
00:36:03,400 --> 00:36:08,000
Speaker 1: your friend or of you, whether they where they adore

603
00:36:08,040 --> 00:36:13,839
Speaker 1: their family or where like they Listen, my mother just

604
00:36:13,920 --> 00:36:18,040
Speaker 1: passed away two years ago, two years ago, two months ago, Bob, Sorry,

605
00:36:18,400 --> 00:36:22,040
Speaker 1: thank you. I was not going to go to her funeral,

606
00:36:22,400 --> 00:36:26,240
Speaker 1: and she knew it because of my family. So I'm

607
00:36:26,280 --> 00:36:30,120
Speaker 1: telling you because I'm on the other I'm in I'm

608
00:36:30,120 --> 00:36:32,239
Speaker 1: in the camp with your brother. I'm not your brother,

609
00:36:32,320 --> 00:36:35,160
Speaker 1: with your with your friend. I'm in that camp. I

610
00:36:35,239 --> 00:36:40,160
Speaker 1: have a very unique family dynamic that has wrought hence

611
00:36:40,200 --> 00:36:44,040
Speaker 1: your profession. I probably pushed you into it. Of course

612
00:36:44,120 --> 00:36:46,040
Speaker 1: it did, of course it did. I didn't want other

613
00:36:46,080 --> 00:36:48,280
Speaker 1: people to feel the pain that I felt. I felt

614
00:36:48,280 --> 00:36:50,920
Speaker 1: that if I had just had a little bit of guidance,

615
00:36:51,000 --> 00:36:53,360
Speaker 1: perhaps my life would have been a little bit easier.

616
00:36:53,520 --> 00:36:56,520
Speaker 1: Look how it's helped you help so many people? It

617
00:36:56,600 --> 00:37:00,680
Speaker 1: has and and it's but and not what's sandy Mike's

618
00:37:00,840 --> 00:37:04,040
Speaker 1: So I've been doing this twenty six years? Is it

619
00:37:04,080 --> 00:37:09,840
Speaker 1: weird that you look twenty six? Oh? Thanks, Rachel. So

620
00:37:11,560 --> 00:37:14,400
Speaker 1: moreover was the outfit? Okay, that it is about what

621
00:37:14,520 --> 00:37:16,680
Speaker 1: we're done. Oh, the fact that you're giving me one

622
00:37:16,760 --> 00:37:21,520
Speaker 1: shoulder right now is great, Thank you so much. So Okay,

623
00:37:21,560 --> 00:37:24,400
Speaker 1: I'm so touched because the anxiety attack I had before.

624
00:37:25,360 --> 00:37:27,880
Speaker 1: I love it. I think it's all working. Great brows,

625
00:37:27,920 --> 00:37:34,040
Speaker 1: great sweater, great shoulders. Notwithstanding the fact that I've been

626
00:37:34,040 --> 00:37:38,000
Speaker 1: working twenty six years. I don't think I've encouraged five

627
00:37:38,320 --> 00:37:42,880
Speaker 1: people to step away from their families, right because because

628
00:37:43,680 --> 00:37:46,000
Speaker 1: because once you do that, it's really hard to go back,

629
00:37:46,200 --> 00:37:49,440
Speaker 1: and some family members won't take you back. So I

630
00:37:49,520 --> 00:37:53,480
Speaker 1: just I don't think most people are in the extreme

631
00:37:53,920 --> 00:37:57,120
Speaker 1: with your friend in me or with you. I think

632
00:37:57,160 --> 00:38:00,760
Speaker 1: most people fall into that bell curve, and I think

633
00:38:00,760 --> 00:38:04,520
Speaker 1: we for those people, look for those people who just

634
00:38:04,600 --> 00:38:08,440
Speaker 1: want to break from the service, from the aggravation and

635
00:38:09,800 --> 00:38:13,160
Speaker 1: drama of the holidays. This is still a great excuse

636
00:38:13,320 --> 00:38:16,320
Speaker 1: we're still in a pandemic. No, no, I totally agreement.

637
00:38:16,560 --> 00:38:19,759
Speaker 1: Just like you said, Zo, there's nothing wrong with that

638
00:38:21,160 --> 00:38:23,640
Speaker 1: if you're going to go in person and you want

639
00:38:23,719 --> 00:38:28,040
Speaker 1: to try and bridge the gap between where they are

640
00:38:28,080 --> 00:38:31,040
Speaker 1: and where you are, if you try and dial up

641
00:38:31,080 --> 00:38:34,319
Speaker 1: the curiosity and just pretend you're like I don't know,

642
00:38:34,440 --> 00:38:36,799
Speaker 1: playing I like to play mind games with myself. I

643
00:38:36,840 --> 00:38:41,440
Speaker 1: find that that's an easier way than muscling through and

644
00:38:41,520 --> 00:38:43,960
Speaker 1: behavioral things that I don't want to do. So I

645
00:38:43,960 --> 00:38:47,200
Speaker 1: would probably pretend that I'm like a journalist and I'm

646
00:38:47,239 --> 00:38:50,560
Speaker 1: getting the person's story of how they fell into their

647
00:38:50,600 --> 00:38:53,799
Speaker 1: belief system, and I'm trying, and I'm doing it with

648
00:38:53,880 --> 00:38:59,040
Speaker 1: the conscious intention of finding common ground, of trying to soften.

649
00:38:59,440 --> 00:39:03,440
Speaker 1: So maybe the way Uncle Dick's politics manifest today are

650
00:39:03,600 --> 00:39:06,480
Speaker 1: reprehensible to me, but where they started to make sense

651
00:39:06,480 --> 00:39:09,840
Speaker 1: to me. Here's the thing. I think there comes a

652
00:39:09,880 --> 00:39:12,800
Speaker 1: point in your life where you say, this person isn't changing.

653
00:39:12,840 --> 00:39:14,560
Speaker 1: So i'man they're going to try and change them and

654
00:39:14,640 --> 00:39:17,319
Speaker 1: keep failing, or I'm going to accept them and find

655
00:39:17,360 --> 00:39:20,520
Speaker 1: a way to hold a normal conversation without it going

656
00:39:20,560 --> 00:39:26,480
Speaker 1: to a dark place. Right, And I think that I

657
00:39:26,600 --> 00:39:31,040
Speaker 1: also want to say, while my family is best case scenario,

658
00:39:31,719 --> 00:39:34,200
Speaker 1: no family's perfect. I do want to say that on record,

659
00:39:34,280 --> 00:39:37,640
Speaker 1: meaning like my mom and I live and die for

660
00:39:37,680 --> 00:39:39,960
Speaker 1: each other. Do we bicker about something once a day,

661
00:39:40,040 --> 00:39:42,520
Speaker 1: of course we do. Do we make up in thirty seconds?

662
00:39:42,520 --> 00:39:44,680
Speaker 1: Of course we do. I've gotten in two fights with

663
00:39:44,719 --> 00:39:46,680
Speaker 1: my dad my whole life. He walks on water. Right.

664
00:39:47,000 --> 00:39:49,080
Speaker 1: My sister and I have gotten in three fights in

665
00:39:49,400 --> 00:39:53,160
Speaker 1: thirty years, But those fights were pretty gnarly, like it's

666
00:39:52,880 --> 00:39:55,920
Speaker 1: there is shit, you know what I mean, There's still stuff.

667
00:39:56,280 --> 00:39:59,479
Speaker 1: But what I have found to work for me, which

668
00:39:59,480 --> 00:40:04,479
Speaker 1: I really suggest strongly, is that if you deeply love

669
00:40:04,520 --> 00:40:06,640
Speaker 1: your family and you want to figure out a way

670
00:40:06,640 --> 00:40:09,080
Speaker 1: to make it work, but you get irritated as f

671
00:40:09,440 --> 00:40:12,080
Speaker 1: every time you're with them. And I'm not saying that happens,

672
00:40:12,120 --> 00:40:14,360
Speaker 1: but it is inevitable with most families that are on

673
00:40:14,400 --> 00:40:16,640
Speaker 1: top of each other for a long period of time.

674
00:40:16,960 --> 00:40:20,880
Speaker 1: Because I think that there is a reason that adults

675
00:40:20,880 --> 00:40:23,120
Speaker 1: are not meant to live with their parents at a

676
00:40:23,160 --> 00:40:26,600
Speaker 1: certain point. And I literally I have been a believer

677
00:40:26,760 --> 00:40:30,759
Speaker 1: of that since I graduated college because I realize, you know,

678
00:40:30,800 --> 00:40:34,600
Speaker 1: in La you find more than any other place that

679
00:40:34,719 --> 00:40:36,840
Speaker 1: kids graduate college and they come back and live with

680
00:40:36,920 --> 00:40:39,319
Speaker 1: mom and dad here because it's such a great life here. Right.

681
00:40:39,840 --> 00:40:41,640
Speaker 1: They're like, why don't I live in their big house?

682
00:40:41,640 --> 00:40:43,640
Speaker 1: Why would I live in an apartment? And god knows

683
00:40:43,640 --> 00:40:46,160
Speaker 1: where California when I could really live here until I

684
00:40:46,200 --> 00:40:48,640
Speaker 1: get married or whatever it is, or make enough money

685
00:40:48,640 --> 00:40:53,600
Speaker 1: to move on. But what I find for me, make it,

686
00:40:53,920 --> 00:40:58,279
Speaker 1: figure out how it works for you, Jump in, jump out,

687
00:40:59,239 --> 00:41:03,600
Speaker 1: make the visit it three days on five days, like

688
00:41:04,080 --> 00:41:07,200
Speaker 1: fish right, fish lasts for three days. That's a really

689
00:41:07,239 --> 00:41:10,280
Speaker 1: good time. I think it works. Like if you're staying

690
00:41:10,280 --> 00:41:13,960
Speaker 1: with them, make it a short jump out, come back again.

691
00:41:14,560 --> 00:41:17,880
Speaker 1: Don't do the ten days, stay living with everybody on

692
00:41:17,920 --> 00:41:21,760
Speaker 1: top of everybody, because nobody is meant to in my opinion,

693
00:41:21,760 --> 00:41:24,239
Speaker 1: I don't want to say nobody for the most part,

694
00:41:24,760 --> 00:41:29,240
Speaker 1: most of us. Most people can't have two to four

695
00:41:29,360 --> 00:41:33,439
Speaker 1: kids and then live with their siblings, with their two

696
00:41:33,480 --> 00:41:39,240
Speaker 1: to four kids in mom and dad's house for two weeks.

697
00:41:39,320 --> 00:41:41,640
Speaker 1: It's just not like it was when you were ten.

698
00:41:42,719 --> 00:41:45,200
Speaker 1: I know, and I do know that one of the

699
00:41:45,520 --> 00:41:48,680
Speaker 1: motivations behind people doing that is that they're already taking

700
00:41:48,719 --> 00:41:52,400
Speaker 1: time off. A lot of companies close the whole week Christmas,

701
00:41:52,440 --> 00:41:54,919
Speaker 1: but you can't make I mean, it's bad enough that

702
00:41:55,480 --> 00:41:59,560
Speaker 1: New Yorkers and people in LA make make relationship decisions

703
00:41:59,600 --> 00:42:04,439
Speaker 1: based on rent and real estate. Yea, yeah, it's true.

704
00:42:05,080 --> 00:42:08,760
Speaker 1: Down to budget. Yea, we wind up living together because

705
00:42:09,040 --> 00:42:11,959
Speaker 1: why would we each spend three thousand a month on rent?

706
00:42:12,280 --> 00:42:15,520
Speaker 1: We could spend five thousand and have a really nice place.

707
00:42:16,400 --> 00:42:19,320
Speaker 1: You know, it's bad enough that we do that based

708
00:42:19,360 --> 00:42:23,320
Speaker 1: on based on finances. We have to draw the line

709
00:42:23,920 --> 00:42:28,399
Speaker 1: somewhere and your mental health and the relationships they have

710
00:42:28,520 --> 00:42:33,200
Speaker 1: to be a priority over your desire to save money,

711
00:42:33,400 --> 00:42:36,160
Speaker 1: or like you're already schlepping out there. You're already going

712
00:42:36,200 --> 00:42:39,359
Speaker 1: out there for three days. You might as well just

713
00:42:39,360 --> 00:42:42,160
Speaker 1: stay along week and leave your kids with your parents.

714
00:42:42,280 --> 00:42:47,160
Speaker 1: That's the thing, your children, Your children should have as

715
00:42:47,320 --> 00:42:52,680
Speaker 1: much time with their grandparents. My parents completely altruistically right,

716
00:42:52,800 --> 00:42:55,440
Speaker 1: not at all for your own Saturday. Literally, Roger and

717
00:42:55,480 --> 00:42:58,360
Speaker 1: I are going away this this Christmas. We're not leaving

718
00:42:58,360 --> 00:43:01,360
Speaker 1: the kids, but we almost. I never leave them electively,

719
00:43:01,400 --> 00:43:03,400
Speaker 1: truth be told, Roger would like to leave them for

720
00:43:03,480 --> 00:43:07,319
Speaker 1: at least three to four nights. But um, but the

721
00:43:07,320 --> 00:43:10,359
Speaker 1: truth is, my parents said leave them with us and

722
00:43:10,440 --> 00:43:13,279
Speaker 1: go somewhere. My parents would live and die for it.

723
00:43:13,560 --> 00:43:15,799
Speaker 1: But I can't leave them for more than three nights.

724
00:43:15,840 --> 00:43:18,880
Speaker 1: I just can't. But I do think that it is important,

725
00:43:19,400 --> 00:43:22,759
Speaker 1: if they are good grandparents, that your children get as

726
00:43:22,880 --> 00:43:26,640
Speaker 1: much quality time. And don't put judgment on your parents.

727
00:43:27,520 --> 00:43:31,560
Speaker 1: Don't don't put the grandparent judgment, if that makes sense.

728
00:43:31,640 --> 00:43:33,960
Speaker 1: Don't assume that they are with your children the way

729
00:43:33,960 --> 00:43:36,720
Speaker 1: they were with you, because they're not right. They're totally different.

730
00:43:37,120 --> 00:43:39,640
Speaker 1: They're some people really resent that. I know they're like,

731
00:43:39,880 --> 00:43:44,000
Speaker 1: you know what, my parents are amazing grandparents, worst parents ever.

732
00:43:44,080 --> 00:43:47,120
Speaker 1: They love being grandparents. It's actually their favorite job in life.

733
00:43:47,480 --> 00:43:51,279
Speaker 1: It's easier. It's you get all the good right and

734
00:43:51,440 --> 00:43:56,040
Speaker 1: you they go home, you you then take them away. Yes,

735
00:43:56,200 --> 00:43:58,360
Speaker 1: and so it's easier. And that's what you and I

736
00:43:58,400 --> 00:44:02,120
Speaker 1: are saying, Rachel, we're saying, show up in small spurts

737
00:44:02,120 --> 00:44:05,799
Speaker 1: when you can be your best self. Don't stay if

738
00:44:05,800 --> 00:44:08,120
Speaker 1: you can, if you can manage to stay in a

739
00:44:08,120 --> 00:44:12,120
Speaker 1: hotel with some of the friends, yeah, try not to

740
00:44:12,160 --> 00:44:15,000
Speaker 1: stay in the family house so that the moments that

741
00:44:15,040 --> 00:44:18,000
Speaker 1: you spend with them will be more you'll be a

742
00:44:18,040 --> 00:44:20,640
Speaker 1: better version of yourself than you would be if they

743
00:44:20,680 --> 00:44:23,120
Speaker 1: were with you twenty four seven. And that's why they're

744
00:44:23,160 --> 00:44:27,840
Speaker 1: better grandparents in a lot of cases then they were parents.

745
00:44:28,160 --> 00:44:31,600
Speaker 1: Because we can all do better. Think of how we

746
00:44:31,640 --> 00:44:35,000
Speaker 1: are at the beginning of a relationship. We date and

747
00:44:35,280 --> 00:44:38,440
Speaker 1: we show up great. You're never seeing a better version

748
00:44:38,480 --> 00:44:41,600
Speaker 1: of somebody than the version you get the first three

749
00:44:41,640 --> 00:44:44,400
Speaker 1: months that you're with that person. That's like the honeyman.

750
00:44:44,560 --> 00:44:48,439
Speaker 1: That's the honeyman. And if that's not good enough for you,

751
00:44:48,880 --> 00:44:53,000
Speaker 1: like I've always said the Barney sample cell, examine that dress,

752
00:44:53,120 --> 00:44:55,640
Speaker 1: because once you take it home, it's not turning into jeans.

753
00:44:56,120 --> 00:44:59,080
Speaker 1: If the version of the person you're dating is not

754
00:44:59,160 --> 00:45:01,799
Speaker 1: good enough in the first three months, that's as good

755
00:45:01,840 --> 00:45:04,480
Speaker 1: as it's getting. So I just said that to somebody

756
00:45:04,560 --> 00:45:06,799
Speaker 1: very close to me, who's going to remain nameless for

757
00:45:06,840 --> 00:45:10,280
Speaker 1: the sake of this podcast, But I would say, I said,

758
00:45:10,760 --> 00:45:15,040
Speaker 1: you're already thinking about therapy. You're not even engaged, are you? Okay,

759
00:45:15,080 --> 00:45:19,600
Speaker 1: this is not going to work, Like this is all

760
00:45:19,680 --> 00:45:22,799
Speaker 1: right now. I just just but here's the thing. I mean,

761
00:45:22,960 --> 00:45:25,480
Speaker 1: they're not even engaged, which means they're in the second

762
00:45:25,520 --> 00:45:28,800
Speaker 1: stage of the relationship. The first stage is the honeymoon stage.

763
00:45:28,880 --> 00:45:32,000
Speaker 1: The second stage I call organic love, which is where

764
00:45:32,320 --> 00:45:36,920
Speaker 1: we've built up the trust, the makeup right right that

765
00:45:37,040 --> 00:45:39,799
Speaker 1: we can be humans around each other. And then and

766
00:45:39,960 --> 00:45:43,360
Speaker 1: all the neural chemicals that our brains were high on

767
00:45:43,880 --> 00:45:46,720
Speaker 1: for the first stage of the relationship, they're going away.

768
00:45:46,719 --> 00:45:49,000
Speaker 1: And suddenly the things that we thought were cute about

769
00:45:49,000 --> 00:45:53,239
Speaker 1: them are driving us crazy, right, and we're testing each other.

770
00:45:53,320 --> 00:45:56,160
Speaker 1: We begin to try and be individuals in the relationship

771
00:45:56,200 --> 00:46:01,239
Speaker 1: and push back and and the bickering begins. Most relationships

772
00:46:01,320 --> 00:46:03,480
Speaker 1: live and die in that second stage. They ever get

773
00:46:03,560 --> 00:46:07,960
Speaker 1: to the third. And the reason why is because they

774
00:46:07,960 --> 00:46:12,400
Speaker 1: we're not taught relationship skills, Rachel. That is the reason.

775
00:46:13,040 --> 00:46:16,680
Speaker 1: Most people are not taught how to have an appropriate fight,

776
00:46:16,960 --> 00:46:22,640
Speaker 1: how to communicate effectively, how to ask for space, especially women.

777
00:46:23,360 --> 00:46:27,840
Speaker 1: And so you know my childhood best friends. See, I

778
00:46:27,880 --> 00:46:32,239
Speaker 1: find women can't I find I find men can't communicate.

779
00:46:32,280 --> 00:46:35,719
Speaker 1: They just don't say anything right. Well, because we beat

780
00:46:35,800 --> 00:46:38,799
Speaker 1: it out of them emotionally. We don't let them have

781
00:46:38,920 --> 00:46:42,680
Speaker 1: emotional range. We tell them not to cry. They're a boy,

782
00:46:42,840 --> 00:46:45,919
Speaker 1: we tell them to talk to than me just saying

783
00:46:46,520 --> 00:46:49,960
Speaker 1: I love that. So to Steph And she's a Dike anyway,

784
00:46:50,520 --> 00:46:53,880
Speaker 1: um and plays ice hockey on men's teams. So the

785
00:46:53,960 --> 00:46:56,839
Speaker 1: honeymoon stage, I mean, if you're a lesbian, you're out

786
00:46:56,840 --> 00:46:59,279
Speaker 1: of that in three to six months, nine months at

787
00:46:59,280 --> 00:47:02,680
Speaker 1: the tops, because we live together from date second date

788
00:47:02,760 --> 00:47:06,319
Speaker 1: on and we burn right through that beauty. Right, if

789
00:47:06,360 --> 00:47:08,799
Speaker 1: you're hetero, you could make you can milk that for

790
00:47:08,920 --> 00:47:11,239
Speaker 1: like up two a year and a half. I think, yeah,

791
00:47:11,320 --> 00:47:13,600
Speaker 1: But right after that, which I'm sure your friend is

792
00:47:13,640 --> 00:47:17,640
Speaker 1: that if she's thinking engagement. You're in this organic love

793
00:47:17,760 --> 00:47:21,160
Speaker 1: stage where you are in love, but you don't have

794
00:47:21,200 --> 00:47:24,880
Speaker 1: the skills. It's organic, it's raw, it's not refined. You

795
00:47:24,920 --> 00:47:27,160
Speaker 1: want to get to the mindful love stage, which is

796
00:47:27,200 --> 00:47:31,239
Speaker 1: that third stage of relationship, which is where you you

797
00:47:31,280 --> 00:47:34,800
Speaker 1: have learned the relationship skills. You know how to navigate

798
00:47:34,840 --> 00:47:39,360
Speaker 1: each other's idiosyncrasies and quirks. You know, when Roger's pacing

799
00:47:39,440 --> 00:47:41,760
Speaker 1: up and down like over your head, You're like, Okay,

800
00:47:41,800 --> 00:47:44,600
Speaker 1: it's time to go on realtor dot com and find

801
00:47:44,719 --> 00:47:49,120
Speaker 1: a rental place. You understand, like I just know how

802
00:47:49,120 --> 00:47:51,600
Speaker 1: to deal with him the other not that we don't

803
00:47:51,600 --> 00:47:54,200
Speaker 1: have shit. I just know how to deal with it.

804
00:47:54,200 --> 00:47:59,799
Speaker 1: It's just about I know when to walk away. Knowing yourself.

805
00:48:00,080 --> 00:48:03,880
Speaker 1: That's why, you know, it's so great to meet people

806
00:48:04,360 --> 00:48:09,239
Speaker 1: later in life and yes your stuff. It's so much

807
00:48:09,280 --> 00:48:12,200
Speaker 1: easier because you can guide the partner and they can

808
00:48:12,239 --> 00:48:14,719
Speaker 1: guide you on them. You also like, know what you want,

809
00:48:14,840 --> 00:48:16,839
Speaker 1: know what you don't want, you know what you'll deal with,

810
00:48:16,880 --> 00:48:20,040
Speaker 1: You know what you want. You know yourself well enough

811
00:48:20,040 --> 00:48:23,719
Speaker 1: to know kind of like this is the intimyang or

812
00:48:23,760 --> 00:48:26,319
Speaker 1: this really is not, because this is never going to work.

813
00:48:26,320 --> 00:48:28,440
Speaker 1: For me, I don't operate that way. When you're in

814
00:48:28,480 --> 00:48:31,640
Speaker 1: your twenties, you don't totally know at all how you operate,

815
00:48:31,640 --> 00:48:34,439
Speaker 1: and you don't admit how you operate. You know, right,

816
00:48:34,680 --> 00:48:38,960
Speaker 1: it's shrouded in shame because we know we know what

817
00:48:39,000 --> 00:48:41,759
Speaker 1: we're supposed to be life. We've got the young the

818
00:48:41,840 --> 00:48:45,319
Speaker 1: young adult to do list, trying to check all those boxes.

819
00:48:45,640 --> 00:48:48,200
Speaker 1: And the truth of the matter is that we're aware

820
00:48:48,400 --> 00:48:51,919
Speaker 1: that there is a disconnect between where we where we'd

821
00:48:51,960 --> 00:48:54,200
Speaker 1: like to be, and how we actually feel, and we

822
00:48:54,280 --> 00:48:56,799
Speaker 1: deny it. And it takes about I don't know, ten

823
00:48:56,880 --> 00:48:59,520
Speaker 1: twenty years for most of us to reconnect to our

824
00:48:59,560 --> 00:49:04,160
Speaker 1: authentic parts and then being able to embrace them in

825
00:49:04,200 --> 00:49:07,359
Speaker 1: a way that works for us and doesn't make us

826
00:49:07,360 --> 00:49:10,200
Speaker 1: a slacker in society. We can still be a happy

827
00:49:10,280 --> 00:49:14,800
Speaker 1: human now. I don't want to end on a sad note,

828
00:49:15,000 --> 00:49:17,120
Speaker 1: but I want to ask you one last thing. I

829
00:49:17,600 --> 00:49:19,200
Speaker 1: want to ask you one last thing that I think

830
00:49:19,320 --> 00:49:22,000
Speaker 1: is really important coming off the last year and a half,

831
00:49:22,000 --> 00:49:24,359
Speaker 1: and I just feel like I wouldn't be doing our

832
00:49:24,400 --> 00:49:29,839
Speaker 1: listeners justice without bringing this up. But I think grief

833
00:49:30,239 --> 00:49:33,160
Speaker 1: at this point in life and the world we live

834
00:49:33,160 --> 00:49:37,000
Speaker 1: in is probably more prevalent than it's ever been for

835
00:49:37,560 --> 00:49:40,360
Speaker 1: not just COVID reasons, but obviously that is probably the

836
00:49:40,400 --> 00:49:43,120
Speaker 1: biggest layer that's been added on to our society in

837
00:49:43,160 --> 00:49:47,680
Speaker 1: our world. I have countless friends that lost loved ones

838
00:49:47,719 --> 00:49:52,799
Speaker 1: and friends from COVID around the world. But I think

839
00:49:52,800 --> 00:49:55,200
Speaker 1: what I want to bring up because I think something

840
00:49:55,239 --> 00:50:00,919
Speaker 1: about holidays again, joyful painful? Is that the other thing?

841
00:50:01,200 --> 00:50:06,120
Speaker 1: But I think grief is just for some people around

842
00:50:06,120 --> 00:50:08,520
Speaker 1: the holiday is the absolute hardest thing to get through.

843
00:50:09,680 --> 00:50:13,880
Speaker 1: What is your kind of number one A piece of

844
00:50:13,920 --> 00:50:18,600
Speaker 1: advice I guess to really try and help people get

845
00:50:18,640 --> 00:50:21,960
Speaker 1: through this. I know there's no formula because everyone grieves differently,

846
00:50:22,040 --> 00:50:25,719
Speaker 1: but professionally, personally, in every aspect of my life, is

847
00:50:25,719 --> 00:50:29,640
Speaker 1: that when I'm feeling something, when somebody is feeling an

848
00:50:29,640 --> 00:50:34,080
Speaker 1: emotion that is uncomfortable, if we try to mute it,

849
00:50:34,400 --> 00:50:36,960
Speaker 1: we basically invite it to hang out for a week

850
00:50:37,400 --> 00:50:42,280
Speaker 1: or longer longer. I am a big proponent of allowed

851
00:50:42,480 --> 00:50:45,759
Speaker 1: letting the steam out of the valve in small amounts

852
00:50:45,840 --> 00:50:49,640
Speaker 1: as often as you can. None of us want to grieve.

853
00:50:50,160 --> 00:50:55,480
Speaker 1: There's something very counterintuitive about it. And I you know,

854
00:50:55,520 --> 00:50:58,600
Speaker 1: and we all have our own ways of coping with

855
00:50:59,239 --> 00:51:04,400
Speaker 1: not wanting to feel negative emotions. Some people self medicate overwork.

856
00:51:04,840 --> 00:51:09,160
Speaker 1: That's my drug of choice. How about you. I didn't

857
00:51:09,160 --> 00:51:11,120
Speaker 1: even have to ask the question. I need an answer.

858
00:51:12,800 --> 00:51:15,440
Speaker 1: You know we all have do. Some people distract themselves

859
00:51:15,760 --> 00:51:20,080
Speaker 1: being online, shopping, video games, whatever their jam is to

860
00:51:21,000 --> 00:51:26,279
Speaker 1: develop the discipline and the practice, which sounds like those

861
00:51:26,320 --> 00:51:29,160
Speaker 1: they sound like they're oxymorons, but they they're the same thing.

862
00:51:29,280 --> 00:51:32,680
Speaker 1: Now they are the same thing. To just drop into

863
00:51:32,719 --> 00:51:37,319
Speaker 1: it five minutes a day and let yourself be in

864
00:51:37,400 --> 00:51:40,799
Speaker 1: the moment and have the emotion that you're feeling. And

865
00:51:41,640 --> 00:51:45,560
Speaker 1: I know that a lot of people that'll sound incomprehensible.

866
00:51:45,920 --> 00:51:51,480
Speaker 1: So what I can suggest is just five minutes a day,

867
00:51:51,840 --> 00:51:55,560
Speaker 1: open up a blank document on your computer, close your eyes,

868
00:51:55,640 --> 00:51:58,839
Speaker 1: and let every word that enters your head regarding the

869
00:51:58,880 --> 00:52:02,200
Speaker 1: brief that you're feeling, the morning that you're that you're feeling,

870
00:52:02,960 --> 00:52:06,359
Speaker 1: let it, let it out. Set a timer. If you're

871
00:52:06,360 --> 00:52:08,040
Speaker 1: afraid that you're going to fall into it. Most of

872
00:52:08,120 --> 00:52:10,680
Speaker 1: us who avoid it are afraid of falling into a

873
00:52:10,719 --> 00:52:13,200
Speaker 1: black hole. Yeah, we're afraid that once we start, we're

874
00:52:13,239 --> 00:52:14,879
Speaker 1: never going to come out. And I can tell you

875
00:52:14,920 --> 00:52:19,080
Speaker 1: what what someone once told me, Darcy, I've never met

876
00:52:19,120 --> 00:52:23,080
Speaker 1: a person who started crying who didn't stop right, you

877
00:52:23,080 --> 00:52:25,879
Speaker 1: know what? Right? And so you do come out of it,

878
00:52:26,360 --> 00:52:30,840
Speaker 1: You have to. Grief has to come out right. We

879
00:52:31,000 --> 00:52:33,560
Speaker 1: have to try and go away. It does not go

880
00:52:33,800 --> 00:52:37,040
Speaker 1: shifts over time. It shifts over time. I mean, you know,

881
00:52:37,120 --> 00:52:39,640
Speaker 1: I feel better today than I did two months ago,

882
00:52:39,800 --> 00:52:44,799
Speaker 1: but differently differently, And you know I and you know,

883
00:52:44,920 --> 00:52:47,920
Speaker 1: but holidays are tough. It was my first Thanksgiving without her,

884
00:52:48,160 --> 00:52:53,319
Speaker 1: of course, and and so what what I think the

885
00:52:53,360 --> 00:52:57,120
Speaker 1: most difficult thing to do is to address a problem

886
00:52:57,160 --> 00:53:01,279
Speaker 1: before it's handicapped. You. Most of us don't want to

887
00:53:01,280 --> 00:53:05,600
Speaker 1: work out until that one pounds is fifteen pounds most

888
00:53:05,640 --> 00:53:08,239
Speaker 1: of us. It's being proactive with it. It is. And

889
00:53:08,280 --> 00:53:11,919
Speaker 1: I'm telling you, like I have seen what it does

890
00:53:12,000 --> 00:53:15,760
Speaker 1: to people, and it can cripple you if you don't

891
00:53:15,800 --> 00:53:18,120
Speaker 1: find a way to let it out. Maybe you go

892
00:53:18,160 --> 00:53:21,799
Speaker 1: on a walk an hour every morning. You know. These

893
00:53:21,880 --> 00:53:27,440
Speaker 1: sound like such basic things, but they actually I actually

894
00:53:27,480 --> 00:53:31,880
Speaker 1: think they're underrated. Actually, like I actually believe that. You know,

895
00:53:33,080 --> 00:53:36,239
Speaker 1: Roger started walking during the pandemic and it was it

896
00:53:36,280 --> 00:53:39,120
Speaker 1: was game changing for him. Like he would just have

897
00:53:39,160 --> 00:53:41,520
Speaker 1: all this like stress and this and not like he

898
00:53:41,560 --> 00:53:44,359
Speaker 1: would literally go walk into all his calls for like

899
00:53:44,600 --> 00:53:47,120
Speaker 1: an hour and a half two hours, came back literally

900
00:53:47,200 --> 00:53:50,359
Speaker 1: a new person. That's amazing. It's really and you think

901
00:53:50,400 --> 00:53:52,880
Speaker 1: you find the thing, you find the thing whatever. You

902
00:53:52,960 --> 00:53:55,440
Speaker 1: have to find the things. So if you don't choose

903
00:53:55,480 --> 00:53:58,879
Speaker 1: to deal with it now, it can and likely will

904
00:53:58,920 --> 00:54:01,520
Speaker 1: bite you in the tush at some point down the road.

905
00:54:01,840 --> 00:54:04,680
Speaker 1: And I don't know about you, but I would rather

906
00:54:04,800 --> 00:54:07,279
Speaker 1: deal with it when I'm expecting to have to deal

907
00:54:07,320 --> 00:54:10,279
Speaker 1: with it. Of course, then I got prepared. I got

908
00:54:10,360 --> 00:54:13,600
Speaker 1: it prepared for the preparation one hundred percent. It's got

909
00:54:13,600 --> 00:54:15,520
Speaker 1: to go on the spreadsheet, right like we have to

910
00:54:15,600 --> 00:54:20,399
Speaker 1: schedule it. That's why we do it that way. I mean,

911
00:54:20,640 --> 00:54:23,520
Speaker 1: we have to try and let some of it out

912
00:54:23,520 --> 00:54:26,560
Speaker 1: because it's human. It's human, and you're not going to

913
00:54:26,600 --> 00:54:30,120
Speaker 1: fall down a black hole. You will come out, but

914
00:54:30,200 --> 00:54:32,360
Speaker 1: you have to let the steam the pressure out of

915
00:54:32,400 --> 00:54:35,560
Speaker 1: the valley. But every day, well, I love talking to you.

916
00:54:35,640 --> 00:54:38,440
Speaker 1: This was so great and a fun fact I probably

917
00:54:38,480 --> 00:54:41,239
Speaker 1: should share with you. It was. It's a sociology and

918
00:54:41,280 --> 00:54:44,720
Speaker 1: psychology major in college and I got straight as always

919
00:54:44,800 --> 00:54:46,680
Speaker 1: because it was the thing I was most interested in

920
00:54:46,960 --> 00:54:49,880
Speaker 1: and one way argue I have used these skills throughout

921
00:54:49,920 --> 00:54:53,480
Speaker 1: my career. Bet Oh, I can only imagine. Let me

922
00:54:53,560 --> 00:54:59,840
Speaker 1: just say you bartenders, hairdresser, big artists. Yes you guys

923
00:55:00,120 --> 00:55:07,000
Speaker 1: or the unofficials, it sikes you you are absolutely we are,

924
00:55:07,040 --> 00:55:09,560
Speaker 1: really we are. That's why I always say, like unofficially

925
00:55:10,040 --> 00:55:13,000
Speaker 1: hundred percent. Like I'll look at my older son and

926
00:55:13,080 --> 00:55:16,520
Speaker 1: be like, I know what you're thinking and be like

927
00:55:16,600 --> 00:55:19,400
Speaker 1: why He's like, why do you always know what I'm thinking?

928
00:55:19,440 --> 00:55:23,279
Speaker 1: I'm like, because you're me as a boy, A and B.

929
00:55:24,000 --> 00:55:27,560
Speaker 1: Because this is what I know. I literally know. I

930
00:55:27,600 --> 00:55:29,400
Speaker 1: can see it. I can see where you're going I

931
00:55:29,400 --> 00:55:32,000
Speaker 1: could see what you're quietly doing there. I know what

932
00:55:32,040 --> 00:55:35,560
Speaker 1: you're going to do next. Because people they're not going

933
00:55:35,600 --> 00:55:38,479
Speaker 1: to necessarily tell you how they feel, so you've learned

934
00:55:38,520 --> 00:55:41,799
Speaker 1: to read their face, learned the room. It's an instinct.

935
00:55:41,840 --> 00:55:44,400
Speaker 1: I mean, I think all women definitely have it, but

936
00:55:44,480 --> 00:55:47,560
Speaker 1: I think it's definitely I think it's definitely come in handy.

937
00:55:47,600 --> 00:55:51,680
Speaker 1: But you're awesome and you look great. Thank you so much.

938
00:55:51,760 --> 00:55:54,839
Speaker 1: I love talking to you. This is so fun, This

939
00:55:54,880 --> 00:55:58,359
Speaker 1: is so much fun. Yes, we should do it again. Yes,

940
00:55:58,640 --> 00:56:02,880
Speaker 1: I would love to You're good at this stuff. Triple vacts,

941
00:56:02,920 --> 00:56:06,080
Speaker 1: triple vacs. I'm almost triple vacs. I'm currently double. I

942
00:56:06,120 --> 00:56:08,279
Speaker 1: will be triple by the end of next Yeah, well

943
00:56:08,560 --> 00:56:11,480
Speaker 1: i'll be I'll be triple by Friday. So by the

944
00:56:11,520 --> 00:56:13,920
Speaker 1: time you come back for your three month hiatus, not

945
00:56:14,080 --> 00:56:16,840
Speaker 1: a month you come to the Strolling House, Well do

946
00:56:16,880 --> 00:56:19,160
Speaker 1: you write? I love it? Well, it's such a pleasure.

947
00:56:19,160 --> 00:56:22,160
Speaker 1: I have an awesome holiday. So good to talk to you.

948
00:56:22,200 --> 00:56:24,880
Speaker 1: Thank you for all this insight. I know that my

949
00:56:25,080 --> 00:56:27,719
Speaker 1: listeners will love this as much as I do. So

950
00:56:27,800 --> 00:56:31,279
Speaker 1: thank you and have a wonderful holiday. My pleasure, Thank you.

951
00:56:31,360 --> 00:56:36,680
Speaker 1: Great to talk to you. Bye. I thought that was

952
00:56:36,719 --> 00:56:40,960
Speaker 1: a pretty incredible episode, And for me, it's always so

953
00:56:42,600 --> 00:56:46,000
Speaker 1: it's such a treat because I really don't pretend to

954
00:56:46,040 --> 00:56:47,920
Speaker 1: be an expert, even though I kind of feel like

955
00:56:47,960 --> 00:56:51,879
Speaker 1: an expert in a lot of ways in relationships, because

956
00:56:51,920 --> 00:56:56,360
Speaker 1: I feel like sometimes the sort of on the ground

957
00:56:56,360 --> 00:56:59,400
Speaker 1: training and the years and years of going through relationships

958
00:56:59,400 --> 00:57:03,200
Speaker 1: with my friends ends and so going through so many

959
00:57:03,239 --> 00:57:05,239
Speaker 1: divorces and things like that, I just kind of feel

960
00:57:05,280 --> 00:57:08,120
Speaker 1: like you ultimately become somewhat of an unofficial expert. But

961
00:57:08,160 --> 00:57:11,800
Speaker 1: I think when you actually get to talk to an expert,

962
00:57:12,560 --> 00:57:17,320
Speaker 1: you get to really learn on a much deeper level

963
00:57:17,520 --> 00:57:20,520
Speaker 1: what things mean. And even just as I speak about

964
00:57:21,520 --> 00:57:24,480
Speaker 1: marriage and relationships and how I kind of say, oh,

965
00:57:24,560 --> 00:57:26,200
Speaker 1: you just figure out how to deal with it, or

966
00:57:26,280 --> 00:57:29,080
Speaker 1: you understand each other, or you this that she's like,

967
00:57:29,160 --> 00:57:32,440
Speaker 1: it's phase two, it's phase three, it's you know. So

968
00:57:32,480 --> 00:57:35,560
Speaker 1: it's interesting because I think as someone who did me

969
00:57:35,720 --> 00:57:38,840
Speaker 1: during sociology and psychology, I think for me, it's always

970
00:57:38,880 --> 00:57:42,920
Speaker 1: great to be the unofficial expert speaking to an official

971
00:57:43,000 --> 00:57:46,840
Speaker 1: expert and really learning the sort of, you know, the

972
00:57:46,960 --> 00:57:52,520
Speaker 1: real inner workings behind all of the relationships and the

973
00:57:52,640 --> 00:57:55,200
Speaker 1: drama and you know. But I do think there is

974
00:57:55,240 --> 00:57:59,600
Speaker 1: no right and wrong in how you approach relationships, and

975
00:57:59,640 --> 00:58:03,200
Speaker 1: I think as it comes to your family, there's so

976
00:58:03,240 --> 00:58:06,920
Speaker 1: many schools of thought on how to deal with family,

977
00:58:07,680 --> 00:58:12,720
Speaker 1: and so I hope that today's episode really helped you

978
00:58:12,840 --> 00:58:18,680
Speaker 1: navigate your own family experience good, badly, ugly, and hopefully

979
00:58:18,720 --> 00:58:22,200
Speaker 1: everybody's will get a little better this season, if it's

980
00:58:22,240 --> 00:58:26,479
Speaker 1: not already wonderful. And also how to deal with grief

981
00:58:26,520 --> 00:58:28,800
Speaker 1: a little bit, because I think so many people really

982
00:58:28,840 --> 00:58:31,520
Speaker 1: are more than ever dealing with grief of all different

983
00:58:31,600 --> 00:58:37,480
Speaker 1: kinds and just how to navigate your life after, you know,

984
00:58:37,600 --> 00:58:40,280
Speaker 1: losing a loved one. So if you liked what you

985
00:58:40,360 --> 00:58:42,840
Speaker 1: heard so far, please make sure you're subscribed to an

986
00:58:42,840 --> 00:58:46,360
Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts and give us a rating and of course

987
00:58:46,720 --> 00:58:50,720
Speaker 1: a great review. Please and keep listening and check us

988
00:58:50,720 --> 00:58:55,520
Speaker 1: out on our Instagram at atworks dot four s. Also

989
00:58:55,960 --> 00:58:59,040
Speaker 1: tell us your story. There is now Works for Us

990
00:58:59,040 --> 00:59:00,760
Speaker 1: phone line that you can call to leave us a

991
00:59:00,800 --> 00:59:03,880
Speaker 1: message with your very own relationship stories, and we're planning

992
00:59:03,920 --> 00:59:07,280
Speaker 1: to share our favorites on the podcast. You can also

993
00:59:07,320 --> 00:59:10,080
Speaker 1: ask us relationship advice, although I can't stress enough that

994
00:59:10,120 --> 00:59:13,400
Speaker 1: we're not experts, but we'll still take your questions. So

995
00:59:13,520 --> 00:59:15,840
Speaker 1: if you want to share your story or ask us

996
00:59:15,840 --> 00:59:18,440
Speaker 1: a question, give us a call at six five seven

997
00:59:18,760 --> 00:59:22,360
Speaker 1: five four nine two two five one. That's six five

998
00:59:22,480 --> 00:59:25,480
Speaker 1: seven five four nine two two five one. You can

999
00:59:25,520 --> 00:59:28,760
Speaker 1: also find all of our contact info on our Instagram

1000
00:59:28,800 --> 00:59:30,520
Speaker 1: at works dot four dot us