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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to the very last Couch Talks

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Speaker 1: and very very last episode of anything You Need Therapy

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Speaker 1: related of My name is Kat and I am the

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Speaker 1: host of You Need Therapy, and you are listening to

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Speaker 1: the very special bonus episode of the podcast. I call

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Speaker 1: it couch Talks. It's an episode where I answer questions

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Speaker 1: that you guys send into me, and if you ever

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Speaker 1: have a question, you can send it into me at

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Speaker 1: Catherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. Now I

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Speaker 1: know I keep doing this, but today is also going

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Speaker 1: to be a different version of couch Talks yet again.

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Speaker 1: So tomorrow is New Year's Eve, So today I did

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Speaker 1: want to take some time to talk about the year

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Speaker 1: that is in the year that was a lot of things,

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Speaker 1: but out of all of the things that it was,

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Speaker 1: it definitely was not the year that I planned for.

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Speaker 1: I planned for a year with events and weddings and

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Speaker 1: speaking engagements, parties, new relationships, romantic relationships, a lot of hugs,

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Speaker 1: some hand holding. I planned for a year I could

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Speaker 1: clear my throat and public without fear of being looked

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Speaker 1: at like I like dropped a baby on its head.

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Speaker 1: Like That's the year that I had planned for. And

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Speaker 1: so I was doing some reflecting because every year I

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Speaker 1: do write a letter to that year's version of myself.

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Speaker 1: But as I was prepping to write my letter this year,

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Speaker 1: I found some old videos. So what I did, as

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Speaker 1: every seven would do, as I was procrastinating, and I

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Speaker 1: watched like every video I could find, and one particular

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Speaker 1: video was of me teaching a cycling class. I was

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Speaker 1: talking about climbing hills that we didn't ask to climb, right,

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Speaker 1: So we were climbing a hill in the class and

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Speaker 1: I was, you know, using that metaphor magic, and I

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Speaker 1: think that was a big mother effing hill that, um,

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Speaker 1: none of us asked to climb, not one of us.

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Speaker 1: It would be crazy for you to ask to climb

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Speaker 1: the hill that we just climbed together. So when I

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Speaker 1: started to lean into a place of recovery and hope,

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Speaker 1: when it came to my war with my own body

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Speaker 1: and disordered eating patterns, what I had to do is

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Speaker 1: I had listen to other people. And I learned the

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Speaker 1: only way I was going to get through to the

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Speaker 1: miracle of recovery was if I trusted the people I

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Speaker 1: was working with. So I had to trust the other

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Speaker 1: people around me to tell me what to do. I

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Speaker 1: learned that I could no longer control my eating disorder.

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Speaker 1: I could not do it. It was controlling me. And

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Speaker 1: the only way I would get through to a new

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Speaker 1: season was if I trusted something bigger than me and

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Speaker 1: my own brain and my own thoughts. Now, thankfully I

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Speaker 1: got to the other side, and I have a beautiful

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Speaker 1: picture of what it looks like to trust when I

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Speaker 1: no longer can control. And that's how I'm looking at

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Speaker 1: this next season that we're calling. That is what I'm

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Speaker 1: calling this big hill that none of us asked to climb. Right,

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Speaker 1: So we can't control what gets thrown at us. We

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Speaker 1: cannot control the steepness, the longness. But what we can

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Speaker 1: do is when we can't control, we can trust. I

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Speaker 1: had big plans, like big, big plans, I went into

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Speaker 1: trying to control how I would exit, and you know what,

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Speaker 1: it didn't work. So this year I am leaning into

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Speaker 1: the same direction that saved my life about eight years ago.

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Speaker 1: I am leaning into trust, the trust of something bigger,

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Speaker 1: much bigger than me. I think a lot of people

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Speaker 1: want to take and flush it right down the drain.

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Speaker 1: I think a lot of people want to take this

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Speaker 1: year that has been somewhat pretty much a big ship

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Speaker 1: show and they just want to forget about it. But

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Speaker 1: I don't think that's the answer here. I think a

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Speaker 1: lot of us are waiting for like oh, and like yes,

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Speaker 1: we start a new year fresh, And I'm okay if

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Speaker 1: you disagree with me. But I think the answer here,

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Speaker 1: at least for me, is to take this year for

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Speaker 1: what It was a really long hard time that taught

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Speaker 1: me how to come home to what I really need.

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Speaker 1: And what I really need is to let go of

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Speaker 1: all the control. I need to let go of trying

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Speaker 1: to control what and when and exactly how I do things.

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Speaker 1: You see, I have a very limited view of my life.

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Speaker 1: I see one direction, and I can only see so far.

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Speaker 1: But I believe there's power in someone that I call God,

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Speaker 1: who can see a hundred million billion times bigger and

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Speaker 1: wider and longer than me. Was a wake up call

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Speaker 1: for me. Now it is not lost on me that

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Speaker 1: real bad ship has happened this year, and I'm not

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Speaker 1: sitting celebrating and trying to silver line tragedy at all.

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Speaker 1: There is a thing called toxic positivity. This is not

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Speaker 1: toxic positivity. I'm not asking you to put a silver

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Speaker 1: lining on this, I'm asking for you to look at

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Speaker 1: it a little bit differently, because that's what I'm doing.

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Speaker 1: This is not silver lining tragedy and using toxic positivity,

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Speaker 1: because I know that finding meaning is one of the

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Speaker 1: most important stages of grief, and in my grief of

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Speaker 1: this year, this is where I am. I am in

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Speaker 1: the finding meaning stage. Something that I used to end

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Speaker 1: every single one of my cycling classes with was a

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Speaker 1: gentle nudge through some words to find one piece of

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Speaker 1: gratitude for where each writer was in their day. But

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Speaker 1: ask all of them to find one thing that they're

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Speaker 1: grateful for it and hold onto it and repeat it.

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Speaker 1: And I would do this not because it tied the

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Speaker 1: class up nicely with the bow at the end, but

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Speaker 1: because gratitude is a practice, not a feeling. It is

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Speaker 1: a practice that curates joy. And the most joyful people

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Speaker 1: are not the ones with the most fun jobs, or

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Speaker 1: exciting lives or good fortune. No, the most joyful people

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Speaker 1: are the ones who practice the most gratitude. And I

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Speaker 1: have a lot, as do many of you. I have

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Speaker 1: a lot of things to be out about. There are

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Speaker 1: a lot of areas in my life where it's not

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Speaker 1: going the way I would have chosen, not just but

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Speaker 1: like literally in general. So I want you to hear

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Speaker 1: me and like, I'm down about those things, and like

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Speaker 1: most of life, it's not black and white. I also

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Speaker 1: have some goodness floating through the air too, And what

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Speaker 1: I choose to lean into is what I will end

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Speaker 1: up living out of. I want to repeat that, because

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Speaker 1: I think that's really important. What I choose to lean

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Speaker 1: into is what I will end up living out of.

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Speaker 1: I want to encourage you to lean into one. Moment

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Speaker 1: of gratitude right now is approaching fast, and by the

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Speaker 1: time you hear this, we may already be in it,

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Speaker 1: and at least the beginning stages of one are gearing

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Speaker 1: up to look very similar to So I don't want

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Speaker 1: us to think that when the clock strikes twelve, that

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Speaker 1: all of a sudden the ship will be behind us

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Speaker 1: and we'll be basking new energy and new juju. No,

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Speaker 1: I think we have to create that new energy. We

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Speaker 1: have to create a shift in the grieving of what

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Speaker 1: we wanted and hoped money would be. So, if you

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Speaker 1: are here, and I know not everyone is here yet,

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Speaker 1: some of us may need more time to get to

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Speaker 1: the stage where meaning can be made and felt and

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Speaker 1: heard and understood. But if you are here, if you

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Speaker 1: are ready to make some meaning, I want to encourage

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Speaker 1: you to find some shifting led me back home to

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Speaker 1: trust when I can't control and when controlling isn't working

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Speaker 1: for me. That's what it led me home to. I

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Speaker 1: want to ask you what might be leading you back

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Speaker 1: home to. I hope you, guys, have the new year

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Speaker 1: that you're going to have. I hope that you have

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Speaker 1: the new year that you need to have. It might

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Speaker 1: not be the new year that you want to have,

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Speaker 1: but I hope you have the one that you need

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Speaker 1: to have. I love you, guys. I want to say

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Speaker 1: thank you again for all of the support I have

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Speaker 1: gotten from y'all in the past year. It's been one

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Speaker 1: of the things that I have been able to be

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Speaker 1: grateful for, which has been awesome, and that's been a

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Speaker 1: consistent constant for me. And so I want to send

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Speaker 1: you some love via the podcast and I will talk

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Speaker 1: to you eyes on Monday in twenty twenty one,