1 00:00:00,120 --> 00:00:37,040 Speaker 1: Welcome. You are now listening to the Professional Professional. Hey, 2 00:00:37,080 --> 00:00:39,360 Speaker 1: Professional home Girls is the kid of a name from 3 00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:42,080 Speaker 1: the PSD podcast, the only place where you would hear 4 00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:45,320 Speaker 1: interviews from black women an honestly on stories that will 5 00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:48,320 Speaker 1: enlightened and expand on taboo topics. Now, if you hear 6 00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:51,400 Speaker 1: someone that sounds familiar, mind the business that pays you child. 7 00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:54,600 Speaker 1: If you like the PhD podcast, please rate, review and 8 00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:58,680 Speaker 1: subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Please five star reviews only. Hold 9 00:00:58,680 --> 00:01:01,520 Speaker 1: me Down, Don't hold me Up. 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Please keep in mind 19 00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:31,679 Speaker 1: that all of my guests are nonnes So let's again 20 00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:36,279 Speaker 1: this week's episode. All right, guys, So I am always 21 00:01:36,319 --> 00:01:39,040 Speaker 1: super excited, but this episode is like kind of near 22 00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:41,000 Speaker 1: and Derek is when I have my friends on, Like 23 00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:44,279 Speaker 1: my friends, you can't learn more about me through them. 24 00:01:44,319 --> 00:01:48,160 Speaker 1: So one of my close friends Mel is here and 25 00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:50,400 Speaker 1: we're gonna do our father Say episode. We did his 26 00:01:50,480 --> 00:01:53,760 Speaker 1: episode last year. We're talking about his baby girl and 27 00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:57,000 Speaker 1: what fatherhood means to him. So, how are you feeling? 28 00:01:57,520 --> 00:02:00,840 Speaker 1: Feeling all right? I can't complain a little tight or life. 29 00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:04,200 Speaker 1: I told him he looked cute today, and he feel 30 00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:10,280 Speaker 1: like I was trying to come for him, y'all. I 31 00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:12,919 Speaker 1: was like, I don't understand. I'm like, you look nice today. No, 32 00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:16,079 Speaker 1: I'm jiggie every day though for the most part. Oh 33 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:17,440 Speaker 1: so you can say for the most part. But when 34 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:20,160 Speaker 1: I say you look nicely, it's a problem. Yeah, because 35 00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:22,240 Speaker 1: every time you see me, y'all look jigging. So when 36 00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:28,880 Speaker 1: you say, unless I'm not from work, hey, I feel 37 00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:34,200 Speaker 1: like you'd be from on my flower he got this 38 00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:37,959 Speaker 1: hoodie on from Travis kind like, oh that's look. Don't 39 00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:39,560 Speaker 1: gotta do labels. You don't have to tele him. I 40 00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:45,280 Speaker 1: from trying to say it's a flower. It's no listen, 41 00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:53,679 Speaker 1: I know, I know, I'm jaire. Are you excited to 42 00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:57,480 Speaker 1: be back on? I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm tired, so 43 00:02:57,560 --> 00:03:01,440 Speaker 1: maybe you can carry it. But I'm excited, but I can. Well, yeah, 44 00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:06,960 Speaker 1: my level of excitement like this is always excitement. So 45 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:09,240 Speaker 1: how's everything's going on? How everything wrong with you in 46 00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:12,639 Speaker 1: the baby? How's fatherhood? Are you excited about Father's Day? 47 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:16,680 Speaker 1: I'm not excited about Father's Day, but I'm always excited 48 00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:22,440 Speaker 1: about fatherhood. Fatherhood is like it's just firing. It's firing. 49 00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:26,960 Speaker 1: Teach you a lot about yourself. Um, his daughter is 50 00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:29,760 Speaker 1: so smart, y'all, Like it's insane, oh de right, But 51 00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:31,920 Speaker 1: shout out to all the parents out there, right, because 52 00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:37,800 Speaker 1: it's just crazy. How like you know, one turn of 53 00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:40,240 Speaker 1: life and you gotta take care of somebody else for 54 00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:44,400 Speaker 1: the rest of your life's But shout out to the 55 00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:47,360 Speaker 1: parents that's doing it, because I know it's not always 56 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:51,160 Speaker 1: easy to me even if you are you only get 57 00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:53,760 Speaker 1: your kid once a week, like whatever your situation is, Like, 58 00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:56,800 Speaker 1: shout out to you all, because it's a lot to like, 59 00:03:56,880 --> 00:03:59,960 Speaker 1: really have to take care of somebody else financially, emotional, 60 00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:03,080 Speaker 1: we and then have to live your own life too. 61 00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:06,600 Speaker 1: So remember that post I told you about when the 62 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:08,720 Speaker 1: guy was like I see when my father was around. 63 00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:13,520 Speaker 1: I know it's not popular opinion, but I really understand 64 00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:17,800 Speaker 1: to be that bro, I really do is a lot, 65 00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:23,080 Speaker 1: a lot. That's why most of my parents don't be here. 66 00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:27,880 Speaker 1: Should be a lot. But would you say, is the 67 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:38,920 Speaker 1: one thing that fatherhood taught you recently? Um? I don't 68 00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:42,400 Speaker 1: know if it's told me recent but just overall love, 69 00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:45,039 Speaker 1: Like I feel like I'm always learning how to love 70 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:50,480 Speaker 1: better because I'm a parent. So like I said, it's 71 00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:53,880 Speaker 1: such a learning process. Like when you, I ain't gonna 72 00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:55,359 Speaker 1: say you don't know what love is to you have 73 00:04:55,440 --> 00:04:58,280 Speaker 1: a child, because you could experience love on any level, right, 74 00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:01,120 Speaker 1: But is it the greatest one? I can't. That's up 75 00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:03,080 Speaker 1: to who you speak to, right, because some people don't 76 00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:06,200 Speaker 1: have kids, and I think they still experience the greatest love. 77 00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:08,400 Speaker 1: It just depend with it is for you, Right, Your 78 00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:11,440 Speaker 1: greatest love could be like your grandparents feeling like you 79 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:14,440 Speaker 1: might not ever like feeling love like your grandparents love. Right, 80 00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:18,760 Speaker 1: But I think it's just like it told me, like 81 00:05:18,839 --> 00:05:22,520 Speaker 1: how to love myself, how to love my daughter, and 82 00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:25,200 Speaker 1: then how to appreciate the people around you like and 83 00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:29,279 Speaker 1: love do that and not only just the people around me, 84 00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:32,520 Speaker 1: like you know, you might be like hard headed to 85 00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:35,280 Speaker 1: like groups of people, right, and then you gotta think, 86 00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:37,000 Speaker 1: you know, my daughter could grow up to be like 87 00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:40,560 Speaker 1: a fiend, My daughter could grow up to be a transgender. 88 00:05:40,839 --> 00:05:44,000 Speaker 1: My daughter could grow up to you know, like people 89 00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:45,960 Speaker 1: got these big dreams for their kids. My daughter could 90 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:48,720 Speaker 1: grow up to you know, working target. You know what 91 00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:50,719 Speaker 1: I'm saying. So you gotta kind of love through all 92 00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:53,320 Speaker 1: of that ship. And that's what that ship told me. 93 00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:58,920 Speaker 1: And it's always teaching me, like always teaching me. What's 94 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,919 Speaker 1: the Is there anything that you're surprised about that the 95 00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:04,159 Speaker 1: baby do? Because I think Arison wanna talk to her. 96 00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:06,320 Speaker 1: I just be like, yo, like this girl is just 97 00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:11,919 Speaker 1: she's too damn smart, Like honestly know how I don't 98 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:16,120 Speaker 1: like but I feel like that's why I don't be surprised, 99 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:19,680 Speaker 1: because I feel like I'm not taking all the credit 100 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:21,719 Speaker 1: files she is. But I feel like this is kind 101 00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:24,960 Speaker 1: of hoppy prep for her to be expressive. Smart, asked 102 00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:31,320 Speaker 1: questions like challenge people like, you know, not not some rebellious, 103 00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:33,640 Speaker 1: but like you know, when people say something why and 104 00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:36,400 Speaker 1: oh man, that's probably like her favorite words. She always 105 00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:39,720 Speaker 1: asked someone everything why. She gotta do something like, but 106 00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:44,240 Speaker 1: I like that like that, so yeah, that's I'm not 107 00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:48,599 Speaker 1: like surprised. I was laughing because remember he's on the phone. 108 00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:50,440 Speaker 1: You seen him do something in the morning and she 109 00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:52,760 Speaker 1: was like, what are you gonna doing the morning? Again? 110 00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:55,840 Speaker 1: I was like, who is she talking to? That's three 111 00:06:57,279 --> 00:06:59,560 Speaker 1: where she'd be like if my family name is name, 112 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:05,520 Speaker 1: so she's like, hi, day name you. Then like this 113 00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:08,280 Speaker 1: one girl is too much to do a lot of 114 00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:12,960 Speaker 1: persons that. Do you think she made him before? I 115 00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:16,720 Speaker 1: don't know. I don't know. I never really thought about 116 00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:17,960 Speaker 1: about that, and I don't really think about it, but 117 00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:24,480 Speaker 1: I do think, like I feel like she garden. It's 118 00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:27,400 Speaker 1: like so much garden, Like when when people told to 119 00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:30,040 Speaker 1: me about her, like even when I'm not around, that's 120 00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:33,240 Speaker 1: always she's just such a happy kid, like she made 121 00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:36,240 Speaker 1: everybody like feel good, and I like that. I like 122 00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:39,000 Speaker 1: that she emotionally and tune like she cared about like 123 00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:41,880 Speaker 1: people feelings, like if you're crying from us, she won't 124 00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:44,320 Speaker 1: console you, like you want't share the story. But when 125 00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:49,440 Speaker 1: she say in life it's hard, No, it was just 126 00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:52,160 Speaker 1: it's just a testament to what he's saying. Because this 127 00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:55,040 Speaker 1: little girl is like and I know it's a mixture 128 00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:59,640 Speaker 1: of both her parents, but this little girl is just her. Think. 129 00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:01,720 Speaker 1: I'm telling you, I've never met a kid like this, 130 00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:03,240 Speaker 1: and I met a lot of smart kids. And I'm 131 00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:05,600 Speaker 1: not saying this because his family, but that look girl 132 00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:09,559 Speaker 1: is so smart, Like, oh my god, she's so beyond 133 00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:12,200 Speaker 1: her years. Like I said, like emotionally type of that 134 00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:15,560 Speaker 1: that's the greatest part too, Like that's so important though, 135 00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:18,640 Speaker 1: And I love that, like I love that part, like 136 00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:21,440 Speaker 1: great that I want you to be like academically smart, 137 00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:26,000 Speaker 1: but emotional intelligence. I feel like that's the quickest way 138 00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:29,320 Speaker 1: to learn love. And I feel like that's the number 139 00:08:29,360 --> 00:08:33,679 Speaker 1: one reason we had is to love so right fun. 140 00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:39,400 Speaker 1: But but enough of that, right, enough of that, We're 141 00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:46,560 Speaker 1: gonna speak more to like you right yo, yeah, and 142 00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:49,040 Speaker 1: your right, so he's gonna take it over the show, y'all. 143 00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:54,880 Speaker 1: Yeah with this. This was your idea, but we do like, yeah, 144 00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:56,880 Speaker 1: I definitely like that idea, but you could, um, why 145 00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:58,600 Speaker 1: did you like it? Just to give them some feedback, 146 00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:02,679 Speaker 1: I be being candid. The reason why I like it 147 00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:05,320 Speaker 1: is because I'm always telling you, like, you know, you 148 00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:08,800 Speaker 1: gotta get the listeners more in tune with who you are. 149 00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:10,880 Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, like grant that you and 150 00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:13,880 Speaker 1: people tell a story, but people love when they correlate 151 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:17,160 Speaker 1: to whoever the person is that's hosting something, right, and 152 00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:20,480 Speaker 1: just make it more open and make it more like, oh, 153 00:09:20,559 --> 00:09:24,719 Speaker 1: that's that's my yo. Think about like, right, that's that's 154 00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:27,040 Speaker 1: my sister. Not real ship because think about it, right, 155 00:09:27,760 --> 00:09:31,719 Speaker 1: Like y'all was just you and I'm not going to 156 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,319 Speaker 1: give out no names, but you were in your home. 157 00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:37,120 Speaker 1: Girl was just doing a podcast, right and I was 158 00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:39,880 Speaker 1: speaking about Nikki like that was your best friend, this 159 00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:44,680 Speaker 1: lady like right, right. I didn't want I didn't know 160 00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:47,280 Speaker 1: if I could say it, but yeah, you're talking about 161 00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:51,000 Speaker 1: NICKI minledge like y'all really know her? Right, But see 162 00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:52,640 Speaker 1: what I mean. But that's a real thing, right, Like 163 00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:55,440 Speaker 1: so when you get your listeners, it's gonna be like, oh, 164 00:09:55,559 --> 00:10:01,320 Speaker 1: like non do that like see, And it's it's just 165 00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:03,160 Speaker 1: that level of thinking that I always tell you, like 166 00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:07,120 Speaker 1: you gotta like look at this ship from further than 167 00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:09,320 Speaker 1: where you're at, Like you got to think about all 168 00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:12,439 Speaker 1: the people you're gonna affect, all the people that gonna 169 00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:14,640 Speaker 1: look at you this way, Like one day you're gonna 170 00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:16,679 Speaker 1: have paparazzi into the crypt. But you gotta feel like 171 00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:18,880 Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying like, and that's how I 172 00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:20,520 Speaker 1: look at it, Like, you know, people gonna feel like 173 00:10:20,559 --> 00:10:22,520 Speaker 1: they really know you the more you give her yourself 174 00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:26,640 Speaker 1: feel me. So I feel like, well, my first question, 175 00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:29,360 Speaker 1: right before you get your question, I want to say 176 00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:31,920 Speaker 1: that I do agree with you because I don't know 177 00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:33,640 Speaker 1: when this episode is coming up. I did the episode 178 00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:36,640 Speaker 1: with the psychic, and of course you noticed because Mels 179 00:10:36,679 --> 00:10:39,880 Speaker 1: been with me for like almost a decade. Damn there 180 00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:45,600 Speaker 1: everything about me, and he was with me and my 181 00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:48,719 Speaker 1: grandmother transition because I was like a grandma to him. 182 00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:51,960 Speaker 1: And I remember when I shared this in the story. 183 00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:54,800 Speaker 1: I share just doing a conversation with my psychic and 184 00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:56,680 Speaker 1: I said, yo, I never talked about this to my 185 00:10:56,800 --> 00:10:59,679 Speaker 1: listeners before, So y'all hear more about that story about 186 00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:01,800 Speaker 1: pretty much told him how I had a dream that 187 00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:04,360 Speaker 1: Nana was getting ready to transition and then we had 188 00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:05,840 Speaker 1: went to the house and I was like, yeah, I 189 00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:08,160 Speaker 1: know she's don't leaving stuff. So I do think that 190 00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:11,120 Speaker 1: now that we are almost approaching the third year, like 191 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:12,559 Speaker 1: I do want to try to get to know more 192 00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:14,160 Speaker 1: about me but I also think that I want to 193 00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:16,400 Speaker 1: make sure I bring my close friends on because I 194 00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:20,360 Speaker 1: feel like my friends don't be better than me. Yeah, 195 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:22,360 Speaker 1: and I don't want to get too far off topic, right, 196 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:24,880 Speaker 1: but go ahead, Yeah, I don't want to get too 197 00:11:24,880 --> 00:11:26,720 Speaker 1: far off topic. But I am't gonna say this because 198 00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:32,280 Speaker 1: I never actually said this like in physical right. Um, 199 00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:38,679 Speaker 1: Nana was like a friend to me for real, right right. 200 00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:42,200 Speaker 1: But you could say grandma because grandma makes you feel 201 00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:45,120 Speaker 1: a certainly right, but it was more like that was 202 00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:47,920 Speaker 1: my homie. It was bigger than like a feeling of 203 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:50,160 Speaker 1: a grandmother. It was like I could really just kick away. 204 00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:54,000 Speaker 1: And I think it's crazy how life like works out 205 00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:56,240 Speaker 1: and how people are putting place in your life for 206 00:11:56,360 --> 00:12:01,800 Speaker 1: different reasons. But Nana open was the first feeling of 207 00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:07,520 Speaker 1: how I knew about my own kind of spiritual gifts. 208 00:12:07,880 --> 00:12:12,080 Speaker 1: That was the first time I ever felt like death 209 00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:15,200 Speaker 1: so to speak, right, Like I felt it to the house, 210 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,480 Speaker 1: right right, But that never happened to me before. I 211 00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:20,520 Speaker 1: never I never experienced that before. So that was like 212 00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:23,199 Speaker 1: pivotal in my life because then that opened the floodgates 213 00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:27,040 Speaker 1: for me since start like seeing spirits and stuff like that, 214 00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:29,240 Speaker 1: and really like, like I think I saw him before, 215 00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:31,760 Speaker 1: but I couldn't. I didn't want to admit that that's 216 00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:33,920 Speaker 1: what was going on. And we went to the house, y'all. 217 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:36,800 Speaker 1: I'm telling y'all, that's what my I mean. Mel has 218 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:40,040 Speaker 1: been there when she had really reached the peak up 219 00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:41,760 Speaker 1: all timers and I used to go to work and 220 00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:43,800 Speaker 1: I was getting my NBA and like Mel used to 221 00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:45,319 Speaker 1: literally just be in the house with her, making sure 222 00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:47,839 Speaker 1: she aches, spend time with her and everything. And I 223 00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:50,600 Speaker 1: remember went to the house and it literally felt like death. 224 00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:54,440 Speaker 1: Like it was a crazy feeling. But I didn't know 225 00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:57,520 Speaker 1: that was like the opening up to certain things. Well, 226 00:12:57,559 --> 00:13:00,480 Speaker 1: I had a conversation with somebody before that, but that 227 00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:04,240 Speaker 1: was my first experience like with another living person. Right, 228 00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:06,760 Speaker 1: Like you felt it because you've been in the house 229 00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:11,440 Speaker 1: plenty of times. I've ever seen that crib in my life. 230 00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:15,320 Speaker 1: The dark word. But back back to the topic, right right, 231 00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:19,360 Speaker 1: And I'm gonna get candid. If you don't want answer ship, 232 00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:20,880 Speaker 1: you because you just say you don't want to answer ship, 233 00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:26,200 Speaker 1: But Cad, I'm exciting doing this. Hopefully I don't get emotional. 234 00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:33,520 Speaker 1: Get emotional, it's really good emotional. Um, you feel like 235 00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:38,360 Speaker 1: your listener's no, your situation with your pops, we have 236 00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:42,240 Speaker 1: not now right, so you got to ask you father, right, 237 00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:47,240 Speaker 1: Tell me what lessons you think you missed right? Two 238 00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:49,839 Speaker 1: part questions. Tell me what lessons you think you missed right? 239 00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:55,880 Speaker 1: And who you are like things you do today out 240 00:13:55,920 --> 00:14:01,880 Speaker 1: of missing those lessons? Um. I feel like as a woman, 241 00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:07,960 Speaker 1: maybe uh, I feel like maybe I didn't know I 242 00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:13,319 Speaker 1: can't miss something I never had right but right. But 243 00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:16,200 Speaker 1: I also feel like sometimes you're looking for something that 244 00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:18,360 Speaker 1: you know that you know that you didn't need, that 245 00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:20,600 Speaker 1: you know that you do need. And I feel like 246 00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:23,520 Speaker 1: when I look back on my relationships and stuff, a 247 00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:28,520 Speaker 1: lot of the people that I experienced were very uh um, 248 00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:32,800 Speaker 1: what's the word not empty but not present, not available, 249 00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:35,200 Speaker 1: And I feel like that maybe I was trying to 250 00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:38,560 Speaker 1: feel that void because he wasn't present or available in 251 00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:42,320 Speaker 1: my life. So I think that's one of the main things, 252 00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:45,000 Speaker 1: because I do know that the person for me needs 253 00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:50,440 Speaker 1: to be emotionally and physically present and available in my life. 254 00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:52,120 Speaker 1: And I feel like with certain people in my life 255 00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:54,440 Speaker 1: who I really thought was going to be it, it 256 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:56,160 Speaker 1: was either one the other day was missing. But I 257 00:14:56,160 --> 00:15:00,440 Speaker 1: think that's them from my relationship with him for my father, 258 00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:03,400 Speaker 1: and I also feel like, you know, I had a 259 00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:06,680 Speaker 1: conversation with one of my guests. She's a recovering um 260 00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:10,040 Speaker 1: cocaine at it, and she told me and I was like, damn, 261 00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:11,720 Speaker 1: had an aha moment. She was like, you know, you 262 00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:13,440 Speaker 1: also got to be thankful for the gift that your 263 00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:16,000 Speaker 1: father gave you, and that was the gift of sobriety, 264 00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:18,600 Speaker 1: she said, because you never want to do drugs or anything. 265 00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:23,160 Speaker 1: So that is the second question, right, Yeah, I think 266 00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:25,160 Speaker 1: that'd be like a real thing. I'll speak to like 267 00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:29,720 Speaker 1: some of my homies or whatever, and they'll be like, oh, 268 00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:32,000 Speaker 1: I'm not gonna smoke because my pop smoke and he 269 00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:34,560 Speaker 1: lost his mind. And I'll be thinking to myself like, 270 00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:36,720 Speaker 1: I mean when they got to do it? Like, but 271 00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:39,400 Speaker 1: I get it, right because I never looked at it 272 00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:41,920 Speaker 1: that way, right, because it's traumatic for you, Right, you 273 00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:44,640 Speaker 1: don't want to have to go through like you think that, 274 00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:46,480 Speaker 1: oh that's happened in this might happen to me. So 275 00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:49,640 Speaker 1: I'm gonna just chill out with that type of ship, right, 276 00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:55,920 Speaker 1: But what about your ideal love? I don't know. I 277 00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:59,000 Speaker 1: don't know because I felt like I always got love 278 00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:02,520 Speaker 1: from my now, like I think Nana always showed me 279 00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:06,200 Speaker 1: what um, what love was. I think that was the 280 00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:10,520 Speaker 1: main person who really show me what unconditional love was 281 00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:13,720 Speaker 1: it is um. I think that from him, I wish 282 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:15,760 Speaker 1: that he would have been presence, I wouldn't know what 283 00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:17,400 Speaker 1: a man was because I feel like a lot of 284 00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:19,160 Speaker 1: times I thought that I had an ideal or I 285 00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:21,840 Speaker 1: had to was able to grass the idea, like what 286 00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:23,960 Speaker 1: a man is supposed to do a certain things, and 287 00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:26,200 Speaker 1: I think that, I mean, I get it now, but 288 00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:27,760 Speaker 1: I think that especially when I see how you are 289 00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:29,640 Speaker 1: with your daughters, like damn, I wish I had that 290 00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:32,280 Speaker 1: with my father, or I wish my dad would because 291 00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:34,680 Speaker 1: I think that when you are in your doorter's life, 292 00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:36,240 Speaker 1: like I know she's gonna be like yo, like I 293 00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:37,880 Speaker 1: know what a man is, like, I know what love 294 00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:39,480 Speaker 1: feels like, like like I know I can do anything. And 295 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:41,720 Speaker 1: I feel like, as little girls, we need to hear 296 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:44,320 Speaker 1: that from my parents, you know. So I mean, I'm 297 00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:46,800 Speaker 1: thankful for where I'm at and how far I came, 298 00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:49,120 Speaker 1: but I do wonder, like I wonder how my life 299 00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:50,760 Speaker 1: would have been if I would have had that man 300 00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:56,240 Speaker 1: in my life and what do you think for you? 301 00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:00,880 Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't think I would have known 302 00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:03,400 Speaker 1: him to be honest, but you think you don't think 303 00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:10,240 Speaker 1: we would You're not at a crazy time, But I 304 00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:14,240 Speaker 1: feel like I don't know, I don't know who you 305 00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:20,600 Speaker 1: would have been. It's hard to say because you're a brand, right, 306 00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:23,439 Speaker 1: You're a woking brand. Like I don't know if you 307 00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:27,280 Speaker 1: would have been this ambitious if you didn't have that, right, 308 00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:29,200 Speaker 1: if you didn't go through that and not just him, 309 00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:31,720 Speaker 1: your mom's too, right, I don't know if you would 310 00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:35,320 Speaker 1: be out here trying to really run a network if 311 00:17:35,359 --> 00:17:39,400 Speaker 1: it wasn't for that that Paul listening, right, Because who 312 00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:41,640 Speaker 1: knows what type of like father he would have been. 313 00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:44,320 Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, maybe if he likes spoil 314 00:17:44,359 --> 00:17:47,440 Speaker 1: you with money or something, maybe you'll just have emotional 315 00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:50,159 Speaker 1: issues and that kids are just strived to be the 316 00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:52,920 Speaker 1: greatest you could be, right, and this field the one 317 00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:54,679 Speaker 1: thing I can't say about him that I do know 318 00:17:54,680 --> 00:18:00,359 Speaker 1: about him, as he's very smart, extremely smart. And I 319 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:02,280 Speaker 1: know that people said that they fault their parents, but 320 00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:04,680 Speaker 1: like he was really who he is because he still alive. 321 00:18:05,119 --> 00:18:07,240 Speaker 1: He was, he is very smart and they was like 322 00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:09,760 Speaker 1: he was always up of his class, like I think 323 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:14,040 Speaker 1: after middle school he went straight to college. Like so 324 00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:16,520 Speaker 1: I think, I said, my mom is very smart too, 325 00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:19,760 Speaker 1: So I think that's where I get my ambition and 326 00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:29,040 Speaker 1: my smartness. Wrong intelligence intelligence. But my next question is 327 00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:33,840 Speaker 1: which is like dead to me too? Because I learned 328 00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:36,120 Speaker 1: that I'll be feeling this way as an adult. Right, 329 00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:39,720 Speaker 1: But you ever, like you have to have moments in life, 330 00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:42,520 Speaker 1: not even today, just period from the time he was 331 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:47,480 Speaker 1: born to there where you feel like you wish you 332 00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:51,320 Speaker 1: would just come save you. Oh yeah, I was. Yeah, 333 00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:53,680 Speaker 1: sometimes I'd be thinking like that, like why he don't 334 00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:56,240 Speaker 1: sunk with me? But I also think that's a that 335 00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:59,359 Speaker 1: comes from a moment of Shane. I think that because 336 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:02,000 Speaker 1: I know he was very upset and I don't want 337 00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:03,720 Speaker 1: to speak to I don't want to speak for him, 338 00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:05,719 Speaker 1: but from what I was told, I know that he 339 00:19:05,760 --> 00:19:08,360 Speaker 1: was he felt the way that I knew certain things 340 00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:10,719 Speaker 1: about his past because he didn't. It was a time 341 00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:13,159 Speaker 1: when we were trying to build a relationship, but he 342 00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:16,080 Speaker 1: wasn't being honest about everything and not good especially when 343 00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:21,720 Speaker 1: there you were. And I think that I also feeling like, damn, 344 00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:24,520 Speaker 1: like this girl did everything without the help of her parents, 345 00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:27,280 Speaker 1: so it's like what the function needed for, you know. 346 00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:30,399 Speaker 1: So I think that because it's a shame and the guilt, 347 00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:32,520 Speaker 1: I think that he feels like there's just not no 348 00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:36,159 Speaker 1: need for us to have anything right. And and the 349 00:19:36,280 --> 00:19:39,439 Speaker 1: crazy part is that I don't want to make an 350 00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:41,200 Speaker 1: excuse for him, right. But I think this is a 351 00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:44,480 Speaker 1: real thing that that sometimes I think women don't understand 352 00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:47,960 Speaker 1: that'd be a lot for them. But that's why I 353 00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:50,720 Speaker 1: also commend women a lot too, because they don't even 354 00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:52,719 Speaker 1: deal with that a lot. It's like I gotta put 355 00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:55,920 Speaker 1: on my biggerl pennies and handle ship. But niggas really 356 00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:58,280 Speaker 1: do be living in that shame, and it'll couse like 357 00:19:58,320 --> 00:20:00,480 Speaker 1: they'll be on something. I'm not gonna my him because 358 00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:02,600 Speaker 1: I feel a shame. I can't provide for my kid. 359 00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:06,359 Speaker 1: I'm not coming home. I'm just like walk away whatever 360 00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:09,280 Speaker 1: it is, or I cheated. I'm not doing my kids 361 00:20:09,359 --> 00:20:12,199 Speaker 1: like it could be anything right. But that's like a 362 00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:16,080 Speaker 1: real real thing. But that that whole him coming and 363 00:20:16,119 --> 00:20:18,800 Speaker 1: save you, I'll be feeling that. I'll be feeling that 364 00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:23,159 Speaker 1: because it's like from from me, from for me, I 365 00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:27,800 Speaker 1: feel like, but not so much just a parent period. 366 00:20:28,119 --> 00:20:30,080 Speaker 1: I got to be like one of my parents just 367 00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:33,840 Speaker 1: comes aboy saying me some time, Y know me too. 368 00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:36,840 Speaker 1: I mean we're talking about this like we won't get 369 00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:40,680 Speaker 1: some annoyed. It's like Jesus Christ like, but I think 370 00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:44,280 Speaker 1: that should like really be affected, like even my love life. 371 00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:46,600 Speaker 1: And then it's like because I don't know what to 372 00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:50,240 Speaker 1: feel like, I never I'm never gonna feel like not never. 373 00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:52,280 Speaker 1: I don't know when that will happened. But I usually 374 00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:55,440 Speaker 1: don't feel safe for anybody because I feel like your 375 00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:58,760 Speaker 1: parents set that tool right. So if you don't feel 376 00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:01,439 Speaker 1: if you already feel being about your parents and whatever 377 00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:05,080 Speaker 1: way you feel like right, whether it's emotionally, financially, whatever 378 00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:08,040 Speaker 1: they couldn't provide. When you get older, you kind of 379 00:21:09,359 --> 00:21:11,679 Speaker 1: you don't know how to deal with like somebody loving 380 00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:17,120 Speaker 1: you too much or somebody like truth. It's a lot, 381 00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:20,760 Speaker 1: and I don't think, um, you know, it's crazy. I 382 00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:23,000 Speaker 1: just got a crazy idea, like I don't know if 383 00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:25,240 Speaker 1: you're gonna agree with this, but I think next year 384 00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:29,000 Speaker 1: your father's there, Lord willing anybody in a great peace, 385 00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:32,240 Speaker 1: y'all should do a Father's Day podcast. Well, I would 386 00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:34,439 Speaker 1: be I would be open to I think that we 387 00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:38,560 Speaker 1: have to have conversations and stuff, and I wouldn't mind 388 00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:41,000 Speaker 1: have him on the show because I do think that 389 00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:44,439 Speaker 1: a lot of men, especially black men, that shame and 390 00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:47,720 Speaker 1: that Gil really takes a toll on them, especially when 391 00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:50,720 Speaker 1: you have a daughter. Right. So I will be open 392 00:21:50,760 --> 00:21:52,800 Speaker 1: to that, and I will be open to him sharing 393 00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:56,400 Speaker 1: his story and just provide an insight because I feel 394 00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:58,399 Speaker 1: like more people need to hear from a man that 395 00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:03,720 Speaker 1: wasn't there for them for his child, right. And yeah, 396 00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:06,840 Speaker 1: but that even you're doing that episode would be like 397 00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:11,040 Speaker 1: that's therapy, that's you're not only for yall too, but 398 00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:13,600 Speaker 1: like you said, every other parent who might be feeling 399 00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:16,920 Speaker 1: us because now you the thing is you've grown now, 400 00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:19,080 Speaker 1: right and not saying that you don't need them, right, 401 00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:22,840 Speaker 1: but you've done a bucket the ship without them. So 402 00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:26,320 Speaker 1: but imagine a parent that hear it, that's listening to 403 00:22:26,359 --> 00:22:29,920 Speaker 1: that episode and he like, you know, my kids eleven 404 00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:32,680 Speaker 1: and I got the chance, you know what I'm saying. 405 00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:35,960 Speaker 1: That's what I'm saying, right, you know, I like but 406 00:22:36,320 --> 00:22:40,320 Speaker 1: him telling that story, that therapy, that that helps somebody else, Like, man, 407 00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:42,560 Speaker 1: maybe I need to just get it together. Maybe I 408 00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:45,000 Speaker 1: need to fight these demons, like, and that's the thing, 409 00:22:45,080 --> 00:22:48,040 Speaker 1: like they could just be selfish sometimes, right, because that 410 00:22:48,119 --> 00:22:50,040 Speaker 1: shouldn't be all of you, you know what I mean. 411 00:22:50,119 --> 00:22:53,480 Speaker 1: But it's bigger than you at this point, right, It's 412 00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:55,440 Speaker 1: it's hard though I'm not gonna say it ain't hard, 413 00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:58,159 Speaker 1: but it just be bigger than the mission is so 414 00:22:58,240 --> 00:23:00,720 Speaker 1: much bigger than just what I'll be feeling. So that's 415 00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:04,440 Speaker 1: that's another bigger than us, especially once you have a child. Right, 416 00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:07,359 Speaker 1: So it's like I know that shame too. I go 417 00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:09,560 Speaker 1: through the same shame, right, maybe not the same, but 418 00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:13,000 Speaker 1: I go through it. But I'm like, I can't stop 419 00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:14,840 Speaker 1: because it's bigger than me. I can't just not beat it. 420 00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:16,959 Speaker 1: For my kids, This this ship bigger than anything I 421 00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:20,280 Speaker 1: feel at any gig, Like that's my my kid. That's 422 00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:24,960 Speaker 1: like she gonna be the next meet especially since like 423 00:23:25,119 --> 00:23:30,400 Speaker 1: I ain't having no more kids, so it's like that's 424 00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:33,159 Speaker 1: she won't be the one to carry on whatever, like 425 00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:37,080 Speaker 1: to see I'll built, Yeah, I definitely uh. And that's 426 00:23:37,119 --> 00:23:41,880 Speaker 1: another thing that I had a conversation with her, my guest, 427 00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:45,159 Speaker 1: that's a recovering um Coke added, she was like, but 428 00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:47,000 Speaker 1: you also might have to be okay with the fact 429 00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:50,000 Speaker 1: that he might not just get it. Like she was like, 430 00:23:50,040 --> 00:23:52,600 Speaker 1: he might not get that monkey off his back. So 431 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:54,240 Speaker 1: she was like, you're gonna have to meet him where 432 00:23:54,240 --> 00:23:56,639 Speaker 1: he's at and take it for what it is. And 433 00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:58,440 Speaker 1: I was like, damn, I don't even think about that either. 434 00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:04,720 Speaker 1: But that's really right. And I think everything that happens 435 00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:07,920 Speaker 1: happens for a reason, right, every every old our growths 436 00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:10,600 Speaker 1: happened at the time I'm supposed to happen, right, because 437 00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:14,639 Speaker 1: I think you can handle that today. I remember you 438 00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:18,160 Speaker 1: always cann't handle it though, right, And I'm not speaking 439 00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:22,600 Speaker 1: about him though, I'm speaking generally, right, I remember, like 440 00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:26,200 Speaker 1: you're not being able to handle people not getting it. 441 00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:29,320 Speaker 1: That should have frustrated the shoot out, you, right, So 442 00:24:29,359 --> 00:24:34,280 Speaker 1: it's right. So that was that was like hearing that. 443 00:24:34,280 --> 00:24:36,480 Speaker 1: That's how I know like the work is being done 444 00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:41,639 Speaker 1: right because in a long way right right, because if 445 00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:45,240 Speaker 1: anybody right, yo, bro, I've seen it where you be 446 00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:49,600 Speaker 1: on the phone with anybody though and it's like you 447 00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:54,560 Speaker 1: you going in because you feel like, Yo, they just 448 00:24:54,600 --> 00:25:00,320 Speaker 1: don't get it. They're going, I'm got my ask. You 449 00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:02,720 Speaker 1: might have needed it. That might have humbled the funk out. 450 00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:06,880 Speaker 1: You might, because I'm telling you, I used to get 451 00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:10,080 Speaker 1: so angry, like I used to be like I don't 452 00:25:10,119 --> 00:25:12,760 Speaker 1: understand what the funk you don't understand like and I 453 00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:15,000 Speaker 1: used to be ready like oh and I didn't give 454 00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:18,000 Speaker 1: a funk who was getting it? Like oh my god, 455 00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:22,359 Speaker 1: like girlth is a beautiful thing, man, And I feel 456 00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:24,040 Speaker 1: like the more you grow that should give you more 457 00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:27,480 Speaker 1: like free conscious will you all be tripping over? You 458 00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:32,639 Speaker 1: wan't trip the same over Niggas don't get it then, 459 00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:35,919 Speaker 1: so whenever they're ready to get the lesson, they get it, 460 00:25:36,359 --> 00:25:40,720 Speaker 1: or if ever, like you said, like he might never 461 00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:44,000 Speaker 1: get there. But I love both of my parents. I 462 00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:46,720 Speaker 1: can honestly say I would like to have a relationship 463 00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:49,120 Speaker 1: with him. It ain't gotta be a father and during 464 00:25:49,119 --> 00:25:50,920 Speaker 1: a relationship, but I would like to have something with 465 00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:53,760 Speaker 1: him out of both your parents. I see that happening 466 00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:56,560 Speaker 1: more with your pops too, because I felt like my 467 00:25:56,640 --> 00:25:59,600 Speaker 1: pops is very more And it's so funny because he's 468 00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:04,560 Speaker 1: a different drugs but I think he's right now. How 469 00:26:04,640 --> 00:26:08,000 Speaker 1: you remember the video? Yeah, but they ain't seen a 470 00:26:08,040 --> 00:26:12,240 Speaker 1: addicted to drugs. Well, I don't want to yeah, but 471 00:26:12,359 --> 00:26:15,680 Speaker 1: he's a functional I don't want to say crackhead, but 472 00:26:16,840 --> 00:26:21,000 Speaker 1: let's talk. I don't want to talk about I don't 473 00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:22,840 Speaker 1: get in a funny way, but it is what it is. 474 00:26:22,840 --> 00:26:26,199 Speaker 1: A space is a space. He is, he's functional, and 475 00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:28,439 Speaker 1: I think but what I was getting that was I 476 00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:32,200 Speaker 1: do feel like because I am building and working on 477 00:26:32,280 --> 00:26:35,160 Speaker 1: my relationships with my sisters and when I when they 478 00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:37,600 Speaker 1: share certain stories with me, I just feel like the 479 00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:39,800 Speaker 1: stories that they are being told is just not honest 480 00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:42,480 Speaker 1: at all, and it almost kind of triggered me to 481 00:26:43,280 --> 00:26:44,760 Speaker 1: back to how I used to be and I and 482 00:26:44,760 --> 00:26:46,320 Speaker 1: now I'm grown so I can say what then I 483 00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:47,680 Speaker 1: want to say to whoever I care, especially if you 484 00:26:47,720 --> 00:26:50,199 Speaker 1: don't really mean nothing to me. And I had to 485 00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:52,159 Speaker 1: really like sit down and pray without her, so I 486 00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:54,200 Speaker 1: feel like I got my parents. I really do feel 487 00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:56,640 Speaker 1: like he would be more honest because he has been 488 00:26:56,640 --> 00:26:59,280 Speaker 1: honest with me about certain things when we did have conversations, 489 00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:02,160 Speaker 1: and I feel like my other parents would be as 490 00:27:02,240 --> 00:27:06,200 Speaker 1: honest and transparents that would like her to be okay, 491 00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:08,280 Speaker 1: But that but that's also why I'll be feeling like 492 00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:13,320 Speaker 1: some talks niggers got to have, right because i'd be 493 00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:15,760 Speaker 1: feeling like a lot of times in life, it's like 494 00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:18,359 Speaker 1: a human thing. You know, people would not funk with 495 00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:21,200 Speaker 1: you based on from somebody else set, right, But that's 496 00:27:21,280 --> 00:27:24,159 Speaker 1: only their perspective, you know what I'm saying. It's not 497 00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:26,760 Speaker 1: saying that that that person is even wrong, right, because 498 00:27:26,760 --> 00:27:29,320 Speaker 1: you could, like somebody could meet you and be like, well, 499 00:27:29,359 --> 00:27:31,399 Speaker 1: I think she's kind of arrogant, But that's really just 500 00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:33,840 Speaker 1: their perspective, right, And I do believe people experience you 501 00:27:33,880 --> 00:27:37,160 Speaker 1: in their own way because we're really only experiencing each 502 00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:39,960 Speaker 1: other from where we are, right, you know what I'm saying. 503 00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:42,719 Speaker 1: So because I can see why that person was the 504 00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:44,639 Speaker 1: other parents would say what she would say about me, 505 00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:50,440 Speaker 1: because exactly right, right, right, Um, you just recently got 506 00:27:50,400 --> 00:27:52,800 Speaker 1: acquainted with some of your family or your father's side, 507 00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:55,879 Speaker 1: you can speak to that. Yeah, I think it's been 508 00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:59,320 Speaker 1: a lovely experience. M keeping word you feel like Antoine Fisher, 509 00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:02,880 Speaker 1: I went through that before. That's why I really felt 510 00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:07,840 Speaker 1: like like I felt like, well, if we keep in 511 00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:09,920 Speaker 1: the right, I don't really I don't really know who 512 00:28:09,960 --> 00:28:13,320 Speaker 1: my father is, right, So my mom's told me it 513 00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:18,359 Speaker 1: could be this one guy, right, and no business out there, man, 514 00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:24,840 Speaker 1: I'm telling my truth. That's my truth. Like I'm not, 515 00:28:24,880 --> 00:28:33,919 Speaker 1: I'm not sure so good. But his mommy black, but 516 00:28:35,119 --> 00:28:39,000 Speaker 1: she told me it cool, the possibility of it could be. 517 00:28:39,600 --> 00:28:43,400 Speaker 1: And she told him and the minute she told him, 518 00:28:43,400 --> 00:28:47,880 Speaker 1: he was like, that's my son. Yeah. So I remember, 519 00:28:47,920 --> 00:28:51,440 Speaker 1: like his sister, his other sons, everybody was like adding 520 00:28:51,480 --> 00:28:54,440 Speaker 1: me on Facebook. It's like ten years ago. So everybody's 521 00:28:54,480 --> 00:28:57,080 Speaker 1: adding me, right, and you know they got their family sections. 522 00:28:57,240 --> 00:29:01,720 Speaker 1: We put like your brother nig add as they like, right. 523 00:29:02,080 --> 00:29:05,959 Speaker 1: So I remember the like messaging me and it was like, Yo, 524 00:29:06,040 --> 00:29:07,920 Speaker 1: you gotta come to the South because it was from 525 00:29:07,960 --> 00:29:09,840 Speaker 1: the South. Yo, you gotta come down the steps South. 526 00:29:10,200 --> 00:29:12,080 Speaker 1: You gonna have a big feast for you. And I 527 00:29:12,120 --> 00:29:14,920 Speaker 1: remember the feast from into Fishing movie right where he 528 00:29:15,040 --> 00:29:17,200 Speaker 1: met his family, like and I was like, no, this 529 00:29:17,280 --> 00:29:19,120 Speaker 1: is a lot, bro, and then I just stopped talking. 530 00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:22,760 Speaker 1: It's very overwhelming odd and I wasn't ready. Yeah. I 531 00:29:22,800 --> 00:29:26,880 Speaker 1: think that when the first time my father came into 532 00:29:26,920 --> 00:29:29,120 Speaker 1: my life, which is so funny. I feel like every 533 00:29:29,120 --> 00:29:30,440 Speaker 1: time he popped into my life is I was on 534 00:29:30,480 --> 00:29:34,440 Speaker 1: some funny joky ship. I feel like life do that. Yeah, 535 00:29:35,480 --> 00:29:38,240 Speaker 1: the first time one of his bitches found me from 536 00:29:38,320 --> 00:29:41,960 Speaker 1: Facebook and it was just messy. The same time some 537 00:29:42,280 --> 00:29:45,880 Speaker 1: my m Anottle girl, like my father always stayed with 538 00:29:45,880 --> 00:29:48,520 Speaker 1: a woman because he's a good looking man and he 539 00:29:48,600 --> 00:29:52,280 Speaker 1: still looks healthy and his right another woman want his 540 00:29:52,320 --> 00:29:55,320 Speaker 1: little white women. She she messaged me on face with 541 00:29:55,880 --> 00:29:59,760 Speaker 1: your father want to see there? So they on YouTube. 542 00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:02,240 Speaker 1: I don't even at that. He really can't make this 543 00:30:02,280 --> 00:30:06,640 Speaker 1: ship up. But I feel like the first time we talked, 544 00:30:06,720 --> 00:30:09,160 Speaker 1: it was that feeling like his side of family was 545 00:30:09,240 --> 00:30:13,160 Speaker 1: just so like it was I never experienced that in 546 00:30:13,280 --> 00:30:15,840 Speaker 1: that amount of love. So I'm used to get in 547 00:30:15,920 --> 00:30:19,040 Speaker 1: love like my close friends, my grandmother, my little sisters 548 00:30:19,040 --> 00:30:20,720 Speaker 1: here and there and keep it at that and part 549 00:30:20,760 --> 00:30:22,760 Speaker 1: me nick I'm with, but like it was coming from 550 00:30:22,840 --> 00:30:25,480 Speaker 1: like his side of family is very big, Like I 551 00:30:25,720 --> 00:30:28,080 Speaker 1: think I was actually spending time with down. I met 552 00:30:28,120 --> 00:30:30,840 Speaker 1: my grandpa for the first time, and I think my 553 00:30:30,960 --> 00:30:33,440 Speaker 1: father did something and it just turned he did do 554 00:30:33,520 --> 00:30:35,400 Speaker 1: something and it turned me off from everything, like it 555 00:30:35,440 --> 00:30:38,479 Speaker 1: was just too much. So now fast forwards where we had. 556 00:30:38,560 --> 00:30:42,120 Speaker 1: Now UM me and my unt we have a great relationship. 557 00:30:42,160 --> 00:30:44,560 Speaker 1: We talked like probably like two or three times a month, 558 00:30:44,640 --> 00:30:48,400 Speaker 1: like um like it's not forced, like it's something that 559 00:30:48,400 --> 00:30:49,800 Speaker 1: I really want to be a part of. I met 560 00:30:49,840 --> 00:30:52,280 Speaker 1: my uncle. I haven't met him, but we speak every 561 00:30:52,280 --> 00:30:54,440 Speaker 1: now and then. He's helping me out my business. Like 562 00:30:54,600 --> 00:30:57,760 Speaker 1: I feel like I'm really starting to understand and I 563 00:30:57,760 --> 00:31:00,280 Speaker 1: appreciate more where I come from from his side of family. 564 00:31:00,280 --> 00:31:02,120 Speaker 1: And I also felt like it kind of was sucked 565 00:31:02,160 --> 00:31:05,160 Speaker 1: up that we've been apart for this long because I 566 00:31:05,160 --> 00:31:07,760 Speaker 1: don't it don't feel I really do genuinely feel like 567 00:31:07,800 --> 00:31:10,000 Speaker 1: they always wanted me to be there with them. They 568 00:31:10,040 --> 00:31:11,880 Speaker 1: always looking for me. So my unts coming for the 569 00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:14,680 Speaker 1: entire summer because my cousins live up her. I was 570 00:31:14,720 --> 00:31:16,880 Speaker 1: a kid that grew up thinking I never had cousins 571 00:31:16,880 --> 00:31:18,760 Speaker 1: because I didn't have any cousins to my mom's side. 572 00:31:19,240 --> 00:31:21,880 Speaker 1: So the fact that I have cousins um that I 573 00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:23,880 Speaker 1: get to spend time with. They have babies and stuff. 574 00:31:23,880 --> 00:31:27,040 Speaker 1: So I'm looking forward to having that side funcause I 575 00:31:27,040 --> 00:31:30,000 Speaker 1: always felt like I never had a family. And it's 576 00:31:30,000 --> 00:31:31,880 Speaker 1: so funny because when my time to my baby sister, 577 00:31:32,440 --> 00:31:35,000 Speaker 1: she was saying the same thing and sharing experiences with me, 578 00:31:35,040 --> 00:31:36,440 Speaker 1: and I was just like, damn, Like it's just so 579 00:31:36,520 --> 00:31:39,440 Speaker 1: crazy to how this cycle, and our family just keeps going, going, 580 00:31:39,520 --> 00:31:43,360 Speaker 1: going this like because it's coming from the head of things. 581 00:31:43,400 --> 00:31:46,320 Speaker 1: And I don't think their parents understand the damage that 582 00:31:46,440 --> 00:31:50,640 Speaker 1: they do to their kids that later translate or not translate, 583 00:31:50,680 --> 00:31:52,800 Speaker 1: but grows up with the kids to an adult and 584 00:31:52,800 --> 00:31:57,600 Speaker 1: they really mine fucking you, oh right, and to speak 585 00:31:57,680 --> 00:32:01,200 Speaker 1: on like, um, I'm gonna be candid about what we 586 00:32:01,200 --> 00:32:04,640 Speaker 1: were talking about earlier, right, like when my daughter was 587 00:32:04,680 --> 00:32:06,760 Speaker 1: like consoling me, I was crying in front of my daughter, 588 00:32:06,840 --> 00:32:09,160 Speaker 1: and I apologize to her, but that was a big 589 00:32:09,200 --> 00:32:11,600 Speaker 1: part of my apology, right, And I was telling her 590 00:32:11,640 --> 00:32:15,000 Speaker 1: like like she basically was saying, like why you're sorry, 591 00:32:15,000 --> 00:32:17,400 Speaker 1: You didn't do nothing, And I'm like, I'm really apologizing 592 00:32:17,440 --> 00:32:19,280 Speaker 1: for if I ever make you feel away. You know 593 00:32:19,280 --> 00:32:22,719 Speaker 1: what I'm saying, because I know how serious that is, 594 00:32:22,800 --> 00:32:26,280 Speaker 1: like even everything I'm teaching, right, and she got all 595 00:32:26,320 --> 00:32:28,600 Speaker 1: the gooshi right now, But there's gonna be things that 596 00:32:28,640 --> 00:32:30,840 Speaker 1: maybe I say around her or say to her that 597 00:32:31,040 --> 00:32:33,800 Speaker 1: don't affect her good. Like it's not like she's gonna 598 00:32:33,840 --> 00:32:35,400 Speaker 1: be able to carry one and not the other. She's 599 00:32:35,400 --> 00:32:37,800 Speaker 1: gonna take everything with her. So it's like I always 600 00:32:37,840 --> 00:32:40,560 Speaker 1: want her to understand like I'm your dad, but I'm 601 00:32:40,600 --> 00:32:42,800 Speaker 1: not perfect. I'm not always gonna say the right thing. 602 00:32:42,840 --> 00:32:44,400 Speaker 1: I'm not always gonna do the right thing, you know 603 00:32:44,440 --> 00:32:47,320 Speaker 1: what I'm saying, right, But my apology come from that 604 00:32:47,560 --> 00:32:51,080 Speaker 1: because I'm gonna living testament of it. I didn't get 605 00:32:51,120 --> 00:32:57,360 Speaker 1: that apology. I didn't get that for real, like my mistakes, 606 00:32:57,720 --> 00:32:59,880 Speaker 1: Like I didn't get the conversation of my mistakes gonna 607 00:33:00,000 --> 00:33:03,200 Speaker 1: puck you up in the path in the future. And 608 00:33:03,240 --> 00:33:04,920 Speaker 1: like you said, I feel like a lot of parents 609 00:33:04,920 --> 00:33:07,760 Speaker 1: don't think about that ship. I think about that ship 610 00:33:07,800 --> 00:33:10,520 Speaker 1: so much. You drive me crazy sometimes because I always 611 00:33:10,520 --> 00:33:12,240 Speaker 1: want to make sure I'm trying to do like the 612 00:33:12,320 --> 00:33:15,160 Speaker 1: right thing, what's best, like you know what I'm saying, 613 00:33:15,240 --> 00:33:18,000 Speaker 1: Like even down to like working it out with her 614 00:33:18,040 --> 00:33:21,360 Speaker 1: mother all the time, like that be because I want 615 00:33:21,360 --> 00:33:23,440 Speaker 1: to get that ship right. You know what I'm saying. 616 00:33:23,480 --> 00:33:26,880 Speaker 1: I want to be I want my daughter to fielver. 617 00:33:27,240 --> 00:33:29,080 Speaker 1: And I know that makes her feel. But what does 618 00:33:29,120 --> 00:33:34,720 Speaker 1: she tell you? Well, basically she told me that that 619 00:33:34,880 --> 00:33:37,240 Speaker 1: is not it's not my fault, right, because I'm telling 620 00:33:37,240 --> 00:33:39,160 Speaker 1: her sorry, and she's like, it's not my fault. Life 621 00:33:39,240 --> 00:33:46,400 Speaker 1: is just hard, you know, And that's a three year old, 622 00:33:46,480 --> 00:33:49,240 Speaker 1: like wiping my tids asking me like, you know, do 623 00:33:49,280 --> 00:33:50,800 Speaker 1: you want to orange? Like what could I do to 624 00:33:50,920 --> 00:33:53,600 Speaker 1: cheer you? What? Like you know? But I'm like, you know, 625 00:33:53,680 --> 00:33:57,360 Speaker 1: that's fire because one thing I do know that's always 626 00:33:57,400 --> 00:34:00,280 Speaker 1: gonna live with us, that my pops really loved right, 627 00:34:00,920 --> 00:34:04,240 Speaker 1: really really wrong and he really despite his transgression, like 628 00:34:04,880 --> 00:34:08,759 Speaker 1: he always going to be there from me. And that's 629 00:34:08,760 --> 00:34:10,839 Speaker 1: why I want to do with my kid like I 630 00:34:10,880 --> 00:34:13,080 Speaker 1: think that I can. Probably I'm in a good space, 631 00:34:13,120 --> 00:34:15,640 Speaker 1: like I forgave both my parents. You know, I would 632 00:34:15,640 --> 00:34:19,560 Speaker 1: hope one day before one of us transition that we 633 00:34:19,560 --> 00:34:23,160 Speaker 1: can have a conversation because I think that i'm I'm 634 00:34:23,239 --> 00:34:26,160 Speaker 1: I'm hearing it from my childlike stuff. I'm also hearing 635 00:34:26,200 --> 00:34:28,319 Speaker 1: it from my growing up stell And I think that, 636 00:34:28,680 --> 00:34:33,640 Speaker 1: you know, a simple apology can really start renew I 637 00:34:33,680 --> 00:34:35,279 Speaker 1: don't have to be a mother daughter, I have to 638 00:34:35,280 --> 00:34:37,080 Speaker 1: be a father in order. But it could just be 639 00:34:37,320 --> 00:34:42,840 Speaker 1: something something what about as far as dating, right, what 640 00:34:42,960 --> 00:34:46,720 Speaker 1: about lack up relationship or lack of which your parts 641 00:34:46,840 --> 00:34:50,960 Speaker 1: make you feel like, um oh no, that's a rap flag. 642 00:34:51,000 --> 00:34:57,480 Speaker 1: I ain't dealing with that. I think I know one, 643 00:34:58,800 --> 00:35:04,400 Speaker 1: but I think that's what I don't know. Go ahead, 644 00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:12,200 Speaker 1: say go ahead, And I haven't been like them a 645 00:35:12,320 --> 00:35:17,400 Speaker 1: ting like really like family male and he's like, yeah, 646 00:35:17,680 --> 00:35:22,840 Speaker 1: I have my transgressions definitelygssons. Yeah, because I mean I 647 00:35:22,880 --> 00:35:26,160 Speaker 1: made mistakes. I feel like through life, that's all it 648 00:35:26,200 --> 00:35:30,799 Speaker 1: is is transforming and transgressives like right right, so you 649 00:35:30,920 --> 00:35:34,520 Speaker 1: like you make your mistakes, you know what I'm saying 650 00:35:34,600 --> 00:35:37,440 Speaker 1: making mistakes. My mistakes was drugs. Well, I don't even 651 00:35:37,480 --> 00:35:43,000 Speaker 1: want to think it was. I wasn't full blown at it. Yeah, 652 00:35:43,040 --> 00:35:45,640 Speaker 1: but I was really leaning on drugs to give me 653 00:35:46,840 --> 00:35:51,520 Speaker 1: cope mechanism. But definitely drugs, I would definitely say. I 654 00:35:51,560 --> 00:35:56,400 Speaker 1: think the biggest thing for me is um just being present. 655 00:35:57,880 --> 00:36:02,120 Speaker 1: I think that I want somebody that's gonna show up 656 00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:05,960 Speaker 1: for me. I want somebody that's gonna just be there 657 00:36:05,960 --> 00:36:08,840 Speaker 1: for me and want somebody that's gonna love me through everything. 658 00:36:09,120 --> 00:36:13,040 Speaker 1: And yeah, like I just want something that's just nonconditional, 659 00:36:13,080 --> 00:36:14,600 Speaker 1: and I know I can't have it, and I know 660 00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:18,640 Speaker 1: what it looks like because I feel like my um, 661 00:36:18,680 --> 00:36:21,759 Speaker 1: you know, I experienced that unfortunately from him, but for 662 00:36:21,880 --> 00:36:26,680 Speaker 1: my grandma. So so yeah, I mean I don't know. 663 00:36:26,719 --> 00:36:33,000 Speaker 1: I feel like the main thing would definitely be UM drugs. Now, 664 00:36:33,040 --> 00:36:37,600 Speaker 1: I gotta be something I don't know, because sometimes it's 665 00:36:37,640 --> 00:36:39,600 Speaker 1: kind of harden me to say what it could be. 666 00:36:39,600 --> 00:36:43,399 Speaker 1: Because yeah, so I think a lot of my trial 667 00:36:43,840 --> 00:36:45,799 Speaker 1: with the nigs I've been with is just from me 668 00:36:46,160 --> 00:36:49,960 Speaker 1: and from experience I had from other people and just life. 669 00:36:50,800 --> 00:36:53,720 Speaker 1: How open are you with the men you date about 670 00:36:53,760 --> 00:36:58,120 Speaker 1: your relationship with your I'm pretty open. I mean, you 671 00:36:58,200 --> 00:37:01,600 Speaker 1: know about him. I was open with you about that. UM. 672 00:37:01,760 --> 00:37:03,680 Speaker 1: My other relationship with the older guy who was like 673 00:37:03,719 --> 00:37:08,359 Speaker 1: one of my close friends. UM, he was around for 674 00:37:08,440 --> 00:37:13,080 Speaker 1: some of it. UM and the last LA ship that 675 00:37:13,160 --> 00:37:15,960 Speaker 1: I was with, I told him about it, but I 676 00:37:15,960 --> 00:37:19,400 Speaker 1: don't think he was able to like fully grass grabs 677 00:37:19,440 --> 00:37:23,520 Speaker 1: certain things. So I'm hoping. But I feel like when 678 00:37:23,560 --> 00:37:25,360 Speaker 1: you're with somebody and you really want to grow with 679 00:37:25,400 --> 00:37:26,960 Speaker 1: that person, I feel like you should let them know 680 00:37:27,280 --> 00:37:30,000 Speaker 1: certain things. But I think but my last laceship taught 681 00:37:30,000 --> 00:37:31,680 Speaker 1: me it's just like you gotta really make sure because 682 00:37:31,680 --> 00:37:33,440 Speaker 1: I feel like when you do open up and express 683 00:37:33,480 --> 00:37:39,839 Speaker 1: certain things to people, they use it against you. Elaborate 684 00:37:40,719 --> 00:37:43,799 Speaker 1: because if I can tell you, like, oh, like one 685 00:37:43,800 --> 00:37:45,680 Speaker 1: of the things that I feel like you know, I 686 00:37:45,920 --> 00:37:48,000 Speaker 1: don't like when people leave me. And I had a 687 00:37:48,040 --> 00:37:50,440 Speaker 1: really hard time when Nana passed away because I was 688 00:37:50,480 --> 00:37:53,360 Speaker 1: my first time ever dealing with death especial closer. It 689 00:37:53,440 --> 00:37:56,279 Speaker 1: really like drove me crazy. So I feel like, you know, 690 00:37:56,520 --> 00:37:58,239 Speaker 1: people who I love, who's there for me, like I 691 00:37:58,360 --> 00:38:00,480 Speaker 1: always want them, like I need them, I need that 692 00:38:00,719 --> 00:38:04,320 Speaker 1: energy because I just that's my support system. So in 693 00:38:04,400 --> 00:38:06,400 Speaker 1: the last lationship or not gonna give to me in details, 694 00:38:06,480 --> 00:38:10,400 Speaker 1: But he made comments about remember he may come and 695 00:38:10,480 --> 00:38:11,800 Speaker 1: say like, oh, well that's why it's so one so 696 00:38:11,920 --> 00:38:14,520 Speaker 1: left you just like very hurtful, you know what I'm saying. 697 00:38:14,560 --> 00:38:16,520 Speaker 1: So it's just like and the things that he said 698 00:38:16,600 --> 00:38:18,279 Speaker 1: was just so me and it's just like why would 699 00:38:18,280 --> 00:38:20,160 Speaker 1: you say that? But it's like that's what I'm saying 700 00:38:20,200 --> 00:38:23,400 Speaker 1: that I think that moving forward and obviously that's that 701 00:38:23,520 --> 00:38:24,960 Speaker 1: wasn't the person for you, But I just felt like 702 00:38:25,000 --> 00:38:27,560 Speaker 1: moving forward, like I have to be mindful of what 703 00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:31,120 Speaker 1: I shared people as I really do believe that that's 704 00:38:31,160 --> 00:38:33,200 Speaker 1: the person for me, because people will use start things 705 00:38:33,200 --> 00:38:35,640 Speaker 1: against you. I think if it's the person for you, 706 00:38:35,960 --> 00:38:37,560 Speaker 1: you don't even want to and you have to think 707 00:38:37,560 --> 00:38:39,480 Speaker 1: about it, right, But I feel like you do have 708 00:38:39,560 --> 00:38:41,400 Speaker 1: things about it, then that might be a person for you, 709 00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:44,400 Speaker 1: because that's have no problem telling people anything and everything 710 00:38:44,400 --> 00:38:46,400 Speaker 1: about me, especially if you if I'm intimate with you, Like, 711 00:38:46,440 --> 00:38:49,000 Speaker 1: why would I not want to sure those things that 712 00:38:49,040 --> 00:38:51,520 Speaker 1: I do think about on a regular basis, right, right, 713 00:38:53,480 --> 00:38:55,279 Speaker 1: That's to me is one of the eldest parts of 714 00:38:55,360 --> 00:38:58,560 Speaker 1: like intimacy, you know, right, is having somebody to call 715 00:38:59,400 --> 00:39:02,279 Speaker 1: and just rethought, just like share the ship, that just 716 00:39:02,400 --> 00:39:04,200 Speaker 1: be on your mind. Right. But I know some people 717 00:39:05,200 --> 00:39:08,040 Speaker 1: they take that not having a parent ship and like man, 718 00:39:08,480 --> 00:39:10,920 Speaker 1: they're kind of drowning and ship. Right. I was one 719 00:39:10,960 --> 00:39:14,480 Speaker 1: of those people, so I definitely know. And I think 720 00:39:14,560 --> 00:39:16,920 Speaker 1: also with people. I think when people know that you 721 00:39:17,120 --> 00:39:18,920 Speaker 1: don't have a parent, you don't have family, I think 722 00:39:18,960 --> 00:39:23,479 Speaker 1: that they try to like, yeah, just like you don't 723 00:39:23,520 --> 00:39:27,000 Speaker 1: know me, like you, I don't think I have the 724 00:39:27,440 --> 00:39:29,440 Speaker 1: vocabulities to explain it. But I think that people who 725 00:39:29,520 --> 00:39:31,640 Speaker 1: do have parents, like don't try to over conversate for 726 00:39:31,680 --> 00:39:33,600 Speaker 1: people that don't, because people who don't are still okay, 727 00:39:33,640 --> 00:39:35,600 Speaker 1: like they made it this far, but it's just like 728 00:39:36,200 --> 00:39:38,279 Speaker 1: you're not better than me because you had your MoMA. 729 00:39:38,440 --> 00:39:40,399 Speaker 1: To me, I think that's a luxury because everybody don't 730 00:39:40,400 --> 00:39:42,439 Speaker 1: have the luxury to have both of their parents because also, 731 00:39:42,560 --> 00:39:44,759 Speaker 1: like don't put that first and down, like I didn't 732 00:39:44,760 --> 00:39:46,480 Speaker 1: have a choice that my parents wasn't in my life 733 00:39:46,520 --> 00:39:50,080 Speaker 1: the way that I want them. How crazy, like two 734 00:39:50,120 --> 00:39:56,280 Speaker 1: people that put us here's a luxury? Just it's crazy 735 00:39:56,360 --> 00:39:58,120 Speaker 1: to even say because you feel like, yo, I didn't 736 00:39:58,120 --> 00:40:00,480 Speaker 1: ask to be born, but I always people like you, 737 00:40:00,680 --> 00:40:03,560 Speaker 1: it's really a luxury to have both of your parents, 738 00:40:03,760 --> 00:40:06,479 Speaker 1: let alone with one of your parents to like really 739 00:40:06,640 --> 00:40:08,399 Speaker 1: be there for you and love. Just like I wish 740 00:40:08,440 --> 00:40:11,360 Speaker 1: I can call my grandma and like have conversations with 741 00:40:11,480 --> 00:40:14,760 Speaker 1: her stuff, But I don't have that anymore. What about 742 00:40:15,800 --> 00:40:22,400 Speaker 1: you have a lie about about what thinking everybody be 743 00:40:22,520 --> 00:40:27,880 Speaker 1: going to the I just now started like speaking more 744 00:40:27,920 --> 00:40:30,040 Speaker 1: about him because he's been like you know, popping in 745 00:40:30,120 --> 00:40:32,560 Speaker 1: and out because I never and I'm feel sound crazy. 746 00:40:32,560 --> 00:40:33,759 Speaker 1: When I was born up, I didn't even think I 747 00:40:33,800 --> 00:40:35,600 Speaker 1: had a daddy because I never knew what that was 748 00:40:36,960 --> 00:40:40,440 Speaker 1: until my sister. Right until my sister was born and 749 00:40:40,640 --> 00:40:42,320 Speaker 1: I saw how she was with her daddy, and I 750 00:40:42,400 --> 00:40:43,880 Speaker 1: started doing that you know, two and two. But like 751 00:40:43,920 --> 00:40:45,600 Speaker 1: I didn't care to have it dare because I ain't 752 00:40:45,600 --> 00:40:50,879 Speaker 1: never had one to get when people nobody asked me. Yes, 753 00:40:51,120 --> 00:40:53,719 Speaker 1: I never like I can't miss something I never had. 754 00:40:53,800 --> 00:40:55,480 Speaker 1: That's how I knew me who was one on one 755 00:40:55,560 --> 00:40:58,840 Speaker 1: because he was like not to get to me details, 756 00:40:58,880 --> 00:41:00,399 Speaker 1: letting the video, but he would just say and like yeo, 757 00:41:00,440 --> 00:41:01,880 Speaker 1: I think bout my boot all time and I love her. 758 00:41:01,960 --> 00:41:03,080 Speaker 1: But he said, but I think he looks like you've 759 00:41:03,080 --> 00:41:05,040 Speaker 1: never met, Like how can you look how you've never 760 00:41:05,120 --> 00:41:07,319 Speaker 1: had and I've seen the same thing. Like I never 761 00:41:07,719 --> 00:41:11,000 Speaker 1: nobody ever asked about him. Nobody ever asked me about him. Nobody. 762 00:41:11,000 --> 00:41:12,759 Speaker 1: I never missed him. I never thought about him as 763 00:41:12,760 --> 00:41:15,200 Speaker 1: a kid because I never I just always felt like, 764 00:41:15,239 --> 00:41:19,800 Speaker 1: oh I have a mom and that's normal. Uh, I 765 00:41:19,920 --> 00:41:22,799 Speaker 1: got two more questions. Well to speak more to that, right, 766 00:41:23,640 --> 00:41:27,000 Speaker 1: um So when I was young, right, I used to 767 00:41:27,120 --> 00:41:31,800 Speaker 1: test like to stay line about dumb ship but honestly 768 00:41:31,880 --> 00:41:35,239 Speaker 1: it wasn't dumb to me, right, Like lying about my 769 00:41:35,360 --> 00:41:37,600 Speaker 1: pops was like defense mechanism, like I used to be, 770 00:41:37,760 --> 00:41:43,319 Speaker 1: like keep dying like I used to like, I think 771 00:41:43,360 --> 00:41:45,719 Speaker 1: where you grew up in with your community and your friends, 772 00:41:45,760 --> 00:41:47,840 Speaker 1: I think it was more prominent people to ask you 773 00:41:47,880 --> 00:41:53,960 Speaker 1: because yeah, right right, A lot of people right right, 774 00:41:54,200 --> 00:41:58,560 Speaker 1: right right, But for me, it wasn't like that. What 775 00:41:58,719 --> 00:42:04,440 Speaker 1: advice would you give a scenario? I'll give you a scenario. 776 00:42:04,440 --> 00:42:06,799 Speaker 1: You're in a relationship right with somebody who has a child, 777 00:42:06,960 --> 00:42:11,840 Speaker 1: right and maybe maybe they're not putting in the effort 778 00:42:11,920 --> 00:42:13,759 Speaker 1: that you think they could put it. I wouldn't beave 779 00:42:13,760 --> 00:42:16,440 Speaker 1: with that person. Really. Yeah, I would never be with 780 00:42:16,520 --> 00:42:18,400 Speaker 1: somebody that's not because I know that does what that 781 00:42:18,520 --> 00:42:21,200 Speaker 1: did to me. But you know, sometimes somebody people need 782 00:42:21,280 --> 00:42:23,400 Speaker 1: to push. I'm not pushing you to be with your 783 00:42:23,480 --> 00:42:25,080 Speaker 1: child because if I have child with you're not, you know, 784 00:42:25,760 --> 00:42:30,520 Speaker 1: I would know. Yeah, I would never be with somebody 785 00:42:30,640 --> 00:42:34,160 Speaker 1: that's not in their child's life. But you're diding. Let's 786 00:42:34,160 --> 00:42:38,080 Speaker 1: say you're diging. I would't even date your the mama 787 00:42:38,200 --> 00:42:40,360 Speaker 1: I found out that you're not in your child life. 788 00:42:40,840 --> 00:42:42,160 Speaker 1: I don't care it was a void or a girl. 789 00:42:42,320 --> 00:42:48,279 Speaker 1: If it's a girl, nah um, I feel like that 790 00:42:48,320 --> 00:42:51,719 Speaker 1: should is like I'm if that should be happy. I 791 00:42:51,760 --> 00:42:53,480 Speaker 1: mean evening happening. But you're gonna have no over here 792 00:42:57,520 --> 00:43:00,160 Speaker 1: figuring town. Don't come up here because I'm be like, oh, 793 00:43:00,960 --> 00:43:03,040 Speaker 1: I don't think it's far to kids. I see what 794 00:43:03,200 --> 00:43:05,160 Speaker 1: it does to our kids. I see what it is 795 00:43:05,200 --> 00:43:07,400 Speaker 1: to me and you. I don't want any kids that 796 00:43:07,440 --> 00:43:11,520 Speaker 1: have to go through the things that we went through mentally, physically, 797 00:43:11,600 --> 00:43:13,719 Speaker 1: for me, emotionally, for both of us. Like, I don't 798 00:43:13,719 --> 00:43:15,560 Speaker 1: think it's right. I don't think it's far to a child. 799 00:43:15,680 --> 00:43:18,319 Speaker 1: Nobody was asked to be born. And I just think 800 00:43:18,360 --> 00:43:21,000 Speaker 1: that I understand life is hard, but fig to figure 801 00:43:21,040 --> 00:43:26,040 Speaker 1: that ship out? Chin up? Because Nick has been doing 802 00:43:26,080 --> 00:43:28,240 Speaker 1: it only I've been on my own. I'm been granted, 803 00:43:28,400 --> 00:43:32,160 Speaker 1: thankful for my grandmother, who was very fortunate. I was 804 00:43:32,280 --> 00:43:35,040 Speaker 1: very blessed to have hers to help me, but without heart, 805 00:43:35,160 --> 00:43:37,319 Speaker 1: I literally had to figure ship out on my own. 806 00:43:37,520 --> 00:43:39,080 Speaker 1: I would never do what was done to me to 807 00:43:39,160 --> 00:43:42,960 Speaker 1: my child. Um. Nana had a relationship with your pa. 808 00:43:43,320 --> 00:43:45,640 Speaker 1: They knew each old. Yeah, but you know she never 809 00:43:45,680 --> 00:43:49,400 Speaker 1: talked about to me either. Yeah, And that's one thing 810 00:43:49,440 --> 00:43:51,560 Speaker 1: I always said. I wish that I would have got 811 00:43:51,640 --> 00:43:54,520 Speaker 1: to know Nana more as a woman than that's my grandmother, 812 00:43:54,960 --> 00:43:58,360 Speaker 1: because I think that tainted a lot of things and 813 00:43:58,440 --> 00:44:00,359 Speaker 1: how I beat her, so you can't say anything about 814 00:44:00,400 --> 00:44:02,560 Speaker 1: me to her. But I also forget that other things 815 00:44:02,600 --> 00:44:09,800 Speaker 1: besides my grandmother. I really do wish I would because 816 00:44:09,800 --> 00:44:11,440 Speaker 1: I feel like the times we shared with her like 817 00:44:11,520 --> 00:44:13,040 Speaker 1: it was on some fun I mean, I'm pretty she 818 00:44:13,200 --> 00:44:15,520 Speaker 1: definitely gave with all the gems and like us keep king, 819 00:44:15,880 --> 00:44:18,800 Speaker 1: like I think about certain conversations we have, but I 820 00:44:18,960 --> 00:44:22,160 Speaker 1: really do wish we were like like how we are now. 821 00:44:22,280 --> 00:44:24,279 Speaker 1: I wish we would have had that with her because 822 00:44:24,280 --> 00:44:26,360 Speaker 1: I think we would have gotten so much more. But 823 00:44:26,520 --> 00:44:32,120 Speaker 1: she was so smart, right, But I even look at it, 824 00:44:32,719 --> 00:44:35,520 Speaker 1: like I said, from a guard aspect, like she gave 825 00:44:35,600 --> 00:44:37,560 Speaker 1: me everything she was supposed to get me at the time. 826 00:44:37,760 --> 00:44:39,440 Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. I didn't meet her when 827 00:44:39,480 --> 00:44:44,640 Speaker 1: I was young. I met her what was because I 828 00:44:44,719 --> 00:44:50,759 Speaker 1: know he wasn't that young ten years ago, brode and 829 00:44:51,520 --> 00:44:54,279 Speaker 1: even the game she was giving me in like that 830 00:44:54,400 --> 00:44:56,399 Speaker 1: was that was the game she was supposed to get. Girl. 831 00:44:58,239 --> 00:45:00,560 Speaker 1: Remember that conversation we happen, didn't say, but we was 832 00:45:00,600 --> 00:45:02,360 Speaker 1: like who we can believe in? And she's like I 833 00:45:02,440 --> 00:45:07,160 Speaker 1: believe in me in fact the religious things, right, I 834 00:45:07,320 --> 00:45:11,240 Speaker 1: always think about it now, I see what she was fired. 835 00:45:11,280 --> 00:45:13,640 Speaker 1: I got so many moments from her. Man, she was flying, 836 00:45:15,000 --> 00:45:20,000 Speaker 1: she was fined or well, um, I forgot the last 837 00:45:20,080 --> 00:45:25,840 Speaker 1: question I was gonna ask you about your pop. Um. No, 838 00:45:26,640 --> 00:45:28,360 Speaker 1: do your pops have to make you cry? Like the 839 00:45:28,440 --> 00:45:32,480 Speaker 1: thought of them? Yeah, of course, Like how frequent and 840 00:45:32,560 --> 00:45:34,719 Speaker 1: what are the thoughts like? I don't know, I don't 841 00:45:34,719 --> 00:45:36,800 Speaker 1: know if it's frequent, but I think that when I 842 00:45:36,880 --> 00:45:39,680 Speaker 1: do think about certain things. You know, when I speak 843 00:45:39,719 --> 00:45:41,960 Speaker 1: to my aunt, my aunt shar shared stories from me 844 00:45:42,040 --> 00:45:44,280 Speaker 1: or my great uncle, he share stuff for me because eventually, 845 00:45:44,560 --> 00:45:47,120 Speaker 1: I mean, I met my aunt and we seeing each 846 00:45:47,120 --> 00:45:48,719 Speaker 1: other mays in more than once. But you know, I'm 847 00:45:48,719 --> 00:45:51,799 Speaker 1: gonna don't meet my great aunt. Uncle ain't like your 848 00:45:51,840 --> 00:45:53,560 Speaker 1: stories for him, and you know, it just breaks my heart. 849 00:45:53,680 --> 00:45:55,799 Speaker 1: You know, I think anybody has addicted to drugs. It's 850 00:45:55,840 --> 00:45:57,800 Speaker 1: just it's very unfortunate because I think people think that 851 00:45:57,880 --> 00:46:01,040 Speaker 1: that's a choice, but it's just can't get that monkey 852 00:46:01,080 --> 00:46:03,040 Speaker 1: off day back. And I think about him and the 853 00:46:03,120 --> 00:46:05,279 Speaker 1: potential he could have been and just like he just 854 00:46:05,400 --> 00:46:08,360 Speaker 1: he was just so fucking smart. But I don't know. 855 00:46:08,480 --> 00:46:11,279 Speaker 1: I think that from things I heard about his mom 856 00:46:11,320 --> 00:46:13,359 Speaker 1: and dad. You know, as I said, I think parents 857 00:46:13,440 --> 00:46:16,600 Speaker 1: don't understand them how pivotal they are in these in 858 00:46:16,640 --> 00:46:19,440 Speaker 1: our in kids lives because that can really make a 859 00:46:19,520 --> 00:46:21,919 Speaker 1: break of child. And I think that things that happened 860 00:46:21,960 --> 00:46:25,239 Speaker 1: between his parents really broken and may hum just go 861 00:46:25,440 --> 00:46:29,000 Speaker 1: down the wrong life ahead, right, you know, the wrong 862 00:46:29,160 --> 00:46:31,440 Speaker 1: made the wrong decisions in life. So yeah, I pray 863 00:46:31,560 --> 00:46:33,560 Speaker 1: for him, like I really do hope there eventually that 864 00:46:33,680 --> 00:46:35,640 Speaker 1: we can be able to have some type of relationship 865 00:46:35,760 --> 00:46:39,920 Speaker 1: before one of us leaves this earth. And yeah, but 866 00:46:40,000 --> 00:46:41,959 Speaker 1: I definitely prey for him. I definitely had my moments 867 00:46:42,040 --> 00:46:44,200 Speaker 1: right be like damn like because I think he's a 868 00:46:44,239 --> 00:46:46,759 Speaker 1: beautiful man, like he looks good. He stayed with a bit, 869 00:46:48,239 --> 00:46:52,760 Speaker 1: so he must be doing something right at department. Okay, 870 00:46:53,440 --> 00:46:55,319 Speaker 1: you'll be tight if he was triggering, if you found 871 00:46:55,320 --> 00:46:56,759 Speaker 1: out all a little bit of money he gave you, 872 00:47:00,080 --> 00:47:04,799 Speaker 1: fucking nerve what you know. I wish I could share 873 00:47:04,840 --> 00:47:06,640 Speaker 1: more with you about this story, but I think I'm 874 00:47:06,680 --> 00:47:08,880 Speaker 1: a way too if that they happened to share more. 875 00:47:09,000 --> 00:47:11,279 Speaker 1: But I'm telling you, Nigga stayed with a bit yard 876 00:47:11,440 --> 00:47:19,600 Speaker 1: at lowers of the lows moments. Bitch always say that, Nigga, No, 877 00:47:20,000 --> 00:47:21,360 Speaker 1: you know, I look at it at least that it 878 00:47:21,400 --> 00:47:24,360 Speaker 1: don't go through life a long At least I'll go 879 00:47:24,480 --> 00:47:28,600 Speaker 1: through life a long man. So yes, I pay for 880 00:47:28,640 --> 00:47:30,160 Speaker 1: both of them. I first for my mom too, I 881 00:47:30,239 --> 00:47:32,400 Speaker 1: prayed for you know. I'm in a good space. You know. 882 00:47:32,520 --> 00:47:34,960 Speaker 1: I think that everything that happened to me that I 883 00:47:35,040 --> 00:47:38,839 Speaker 1: couldn't explain growing up, I think that lessons that haven't learned, 884 00:47:38,840 --> 00:47:41,120 Speaker 1: I haven't learned a lot of lessons the hard fucking way, y'all. 885 00:47:41,160 --> 00:47:43,560 Speaker 1: I think that that helped me get to where I'm 886 00:47:43,600 --> 00:47:46,520 Speaker 1: at and with pH G. So I'm thankful. I don't 887 00:47:46,560 --> 00:47:52,080 Speaker 1: take anything for granted. So I think I think I'm 888 00:47:52,120 --> 00:47:59,160 Speaker 1: in this space killing growth, feeling and growth. Um, that's 889 00:47:59,280 --> 00:48:01,960 Speaker 1: I don't think. Another question is that good? Ain't write 890 00:48:02,000 --> 00:48:11,759 Speaker 1: no questions down a little to y'all, listen, Well, this 891 00:48:11,960 --> 00:48:14,160 Speaker 1: is definitely something you're gonna start doing more with my 892 00:48:14,280 --> 00:48:17,080 Speaker 1: closest friends that I feel that's able to do this, 893 00:48:17,160 --> 00:48:20,399 Speaker 1: and you're definitely one of themselves. And I'm very proud 894 00:48:20,440 --> 00:48:24,960 Speaker 1: of you. With the baby m h greatest Jordans, I know, 895 00:48:25,160 --> 00:48:27,560 Speaker 1: she's so smart, y'all, Oh my gosh, she's so beautiful. 896 00:48:27,760 --> 00:48:31,520 Speaker 1: Hopefully we can get her the PhD campaign. We're going 897 00:48:32,200 --> 00:48:35,280 Speaker 1: going and if you have any questions coming to concerns, 898 00:48:35,320 --> 00:48:40,000 Speaker 1: please make sure you'll support them the Patreon page to account. 899 00:48:40,280 --> 00:48:42,160 Speaker 1: We're gonna do a few little behind the scene videos 900 00:48:42,200 --> 00:48:46,680 Speaker 1: so you can see him. You're single, I'm single. I'm 901 00:48:46,680 --> 00:48:51,759 Speaker 1: not looking. I'm not so somebody just stow it at you. Yeah, 902 00:48:51,800 --> 00:48:55,759 Speaker 1: I'm going to get the notion, but yeah, I'm not looking, though. 903 00:48:55,880 --> 00:49:04,600 Speaker 1: I'm sure m M. I got issues. So he's very toxic. Toxic. 904 00:49:04,719 --> 00:49:08,200 Speaker 1: I just got issues, issues. I need to work. Toxic 905 00:49:08,320 --> 00:49:11,240 Speaker 1: scared people away. They shouldn't be like some people like toxic. 906 00:49:12,160 --> 00:49:17,839 Speaker 1: You're right, okay, some people you might get some people 907 00:49:17,840 --> 00:49:25,120 Speaker 1: after this do what I love them. But alright, y'all 908 00:49:25,200 --> 00:49:27,640 Speaker 1: until next time, and Happy Father's Day to all the 909 00:49:27,719 --> 00:49:33,959 Speaker 1: fathers and mothers out there, and until next time. Everyone later, 910 00:49:35,200 --> 00:49:40,880 Speaker 1: so funny ship. Then m flesh out the