1 00:00:05,160 --> 00:00:08,039 Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha and welcome to stuff 2 00:00:08,080 --> 00:00:20,040 Speaker 1: I've never told you production of I Heart Radio. We're 3 00:00:20,040 --> 00:00:24,960 Speaker 1: gonna be straight with you listeners. We've gotta internet issue 4 00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:28,920 Speaker 1: going on right now, so there's a massive delay, but 5 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:31,080 Speaker 1: we're going to do our best. We're gonna do our best, 6 00:00:31,720 --> 00:00:34,559 Speaker 1: and you know, it's kind of fitting because the episode 7 00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:37,040 Speaker 1: we're bringing back today is about mental positivity. Because I 8 00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:40,839 Speaker 1: think it's fair to say, Samantha that you and I 9 00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:45,440 Speaker 1: have been struggling, as have a lot of us lately, 10 00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:52,000 Speaker 1: and I have been trying to find small things to 11 00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:57,520 Speaker 1: cheer me up or to help me not get so 12 00:00:57,720 --> 00:01:02,960 Speaker 1: lost in my negative thought. So with that being said, 13 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:04,160 Speaker 1: I know we talked about this a lot, but is 14 00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:06,760 Speaker 1: there anything that you've done or have been doing to 15 00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:10,720 Speaker 1: kind of just like a small thing that gives you 16 00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:13,720 Speaker 1: comfort or brings you a bright spot in your day? 17 00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:20,119 Speaker 1: You know, for me, imagining a happy place has been interesting. 18 00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:24,000 Speaker 1: So we're going to talk about the fact that I 19 00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:27,240 Speaker 1: have hit a crisis point and one of the things 20 00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:31,880 Speaker 1: that I do now is look at beautiful beach resorts 21 00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:33,360 Speaker 1: that I wish I could be yet, So it is 22 00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:36,039 Speaker 1: like double way of like, oh, the pain of not 23 00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:39,080 Speaker 1: being able to go to their or not want to 24 00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:42,360 Speaker 1: support a system that might really disenfranchise the community or 25 00:01:42,360 --> 00:01:45,319 Speaker 1: the local residents. But at the same time, looking at 26 00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:49,120 Speaker 1: how pretty it is, it makes me fairly happy. Yeah, 27 00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:51,960 Speaker 1: And You've been sending those pictures to me, and I've 28 00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:57,560 Speaker 1: been getting secondhand like wishful happiness of what if we 29 00:01:57,600 --> 00:02:01,560 Speaker 1: went to there? Yeah. Yeah, I mean I've got a 30 00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:03,760 Speaker 1: lot of the like same things I've always talked about, 31 00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:07,760 Speaker 1: which is, you know, fan fiction and um, stretching. I've 32 00:02:07,800 --> 00:02:11,880 Speaker 1: gotten into stretching, but I've also like recently tried to 33 00:02:11,919 --> 00:02:15,320 Speaker 1: take like I've really tried to do the moment where 34 00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:17,600 Speaker 1: you like the candles and you just sort of like 35 00:02:17,919 --> 00:02:21,840 Speaker 1: relax in your body and think for a minute. And 36 00:02:21,919 --> 00:02:25,440 Speaker 1: that's been helpful. It's hard to do. It's hard to 37 00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:28,280 Speaker 1: like make the time for it and not have that 38 00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:33,000 Speaker 1: moment turned into panic. But I've been really working on it, 39 00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:35,760 Speaker 1: and I think that it has been helping me because 40 00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:38,560 Speaker 1: there's a lot going on right now and it's a 41 00:02:38,639 --> 00:02:40,840 Speaker 1: lot of stress and we can acknowledge that and that 42 00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:44,359 Speaker 1: probably most of you listening are feeling it as well. 43 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:47,520 Speaker 1: But yeah, that's been something that I've been trying to 44 00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:50,480 Speaker 1: do and I think it's working. I work. Coming up 45 00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:53,840 Speaker 1: on quarantine universary, as I said, or will say, depending 46 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,480 Speaker 1: on when you listen to this. March thirte is my 47 00:02:56,560 --> 00:03:01,120 Speaker 1: quarantine anniversary, so I've been like taking went to reflect 48 00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:05,120 Speaker 1: all these past two years. I love it. Yeah, I 49 00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:10,079 Speaker 1: guess ours was probably similar to you yours the Quarantine anniversary. 50 00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:12,680 Speaker 1: I have now just gotten back out into the world, 51 00:03:13,919 --> 00:03:15,680 Speaker 1: so that is kind of nice, meaning like I have 52 00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:20,079 Speaker 1: finally gone to my little dance classes with my friends 53 00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:22,120 Speaker 1: that I love that I missed. I don't see but 54 00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:27,400 Speaker 1: at those classes, um, and then yeah, actually going to restaurants, 55 00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:31,600 Speaker 1: yeah has been nice. I don't go often and that 56 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:34,720 Speaker 1: space it out, but it's been nice. But yeah, this 57 00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:39,760 Speaker 1: whole level of centering is a new concept. But you know, 58 00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:41,400 Speaker 1: I do also want to come back because this is 59 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:44,200 Speaker 1: a little different with a mental positivity, because that is 60 00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:47,000 Speaker 1: something that we do need, but we also want need 61 00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:50,400 Speaker 1: to talk about toxic positivity. And it kind of reminds 62 00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:52,360 Speaker 1: me of that trying to be happy and not being 63 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:58,560 Speaker 1: able to be happy. So you're frustrated that you're not happy, right, No, Yeah, 64 00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:02,160 Speaker 1: that's a great point, and that's something I feel like 65 00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:06,280 Speaker 1: we try to make that that point often, but like, 66 00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:09,920 Speaker 1: if you it's okay to feel those days, if emotions 67 00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:13,960 Speaker 1: like that's it's okay. If you're not okay, that's that's 68 00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:18,760 Speaker 1: absolutely understandable. Still, you know, hopefully there's somebody you can 69 00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:22,119 Speaker 1: reach out to or something you can do to help 70 00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:25,520 Speaker 1: you through that. But it's absolutely, like I think even 71 00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:30,040 Speaker 1: healthy to sit in that and be like, Okay, I 72 00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:34,200 Speaker 1: feel this way. Why do I feel this way? But 73 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:40,040 Speaker 1: it is okay, It's okay. Yeah, we welcome back to that. 74 00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:44,520 Speaker 1: But in the meantime, we have this classic episode for 75 00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:53,360 Speaker 1: you on mental positivity. Hey, this is Annie and Samantha 76 00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:55,080 Speaker 1: and welcome to stuff I never told you production of 77 00:04:55,120 --> 00:05:08,040 Speaker 1: I Heart Radios. How stuff works. For today's episode, it's 78 00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:11,000 Speaker 1: kind of a follow up on on one that we 79 00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:14,360 Speaker 1: did recently on body positivity. UM and before we get 80 00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:17,400 Speaker 1: into it, trigger warnings at the top for very brief 81 00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:22,479 Speaker 1: discussions of sexual assaults, UM and suicide. And yeah, we 82 00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:26,040 Speaker 1: recently did an episode on body positivity, and you need 83 00:05:26,839 --> 00:05:30,719 Speaker 1: suggested that we do a companion episode on mental positivity, 84 00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:33,239 Speaker 1: which is a broad term that I think we coined, 85 00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:39,360 Speaker 1: are coining? Are we coining it right now maybe, and 86 00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:41,920 Speaker 1: we just said it because it is a language but linkage. 87 00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:45,760 Speaker 1: But it's more of like mental health, mental health, yes care, 88 00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:50,440 Speaker 1: mental health in mental care yes, um, and we'll yeah, 89 00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:54,400 Speaker 1: well it's a pretty broad term, but we're gonna we're 90 00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:57,479 Speaker 1: I guess talking about this in part because there is 91 00:05:57,520 --> 00:06:00,280 Speaker 1: a lot going on in the world and in our 92 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:05,280 Speaker 1: personal lives, and it does seem like, um, there's a 93 00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:08,280 Speaker 1: lot of mental health issues impacting women, and UM, how 94 00:06:08,279 --> 00:06:10,240 Speaker 1: we take care of our mental health something that is 95 00:06:10,279 --> 00:06:13,280 Speaker 1: always good to discuss, um, and how we can support 96 00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:15,240 Speaker 1: each other, right. I mean, it's been a rough few 97 00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:19,120 Speaker 1: years for many non binary and female identifying population and 98 00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:21,800 Speaker 1: whether it's due to situations or just overall physical and 99 00:06:21,839 --> 00:06:25,560 Speaker 1: emotional taxation due to the environment. Um, I've seen more 100 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:27,839 Speaker 1: and more of my really close and dear friends suffer 101 00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:31,520 Speaker 1: without considering enough about their mental health. And when they do, 102 00:06:31,640 --> 00:06:34,680 Speaker 1: and when I do, oftentimes, UM, we add on more 103 00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:38,159 Speaker 1: guilt for actually taking care of ourselves. And I say 104 00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:40,359 Speaker 1: that again as I'm one of those that does this. 105 00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:42,680 Speaker 1: And of course I'm not trying to make this a 106 00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:46,280 Speaker 1: self help podcast necessarily. I'm not about bad I'm not 107 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:48,920 Speaker 1: a licensed therapist in any way. But I think there's 108 00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:51,559 Speaker 1: something to be said to making sure you are friends 109 00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:54,240 Speaker 1: in this minty world and those around remember to give 110 00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:57,640 Speaker 1: themselves or ourselves permission to care for ourselves and not 111 00:06:57,720 --> 00:07:00,320 Speaker 1: forget that there is a lot of biological and mental 112 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,520 Speaker 1: reason as to why sometimes things just feel like it's 113 00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:06,599 Speaker 1: too much. Yeah, absolutely, And um, one thing we wanted 114 00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:11,360 Speaker 1: to discuss in this um is depression, right, So that's 115 00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:12,800 Speaker 1: going to be kind of the linkage. So when we 116 00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:15,520 Speaker 1: say mental health, UM, I'm doing a broader We're talking 117 00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:19,680 Speaker 1: about a broader term of depression, just an overall overwhelming 118 00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:21,920 Speaker 1: feeling as well as with anxiety. But I'm kind of 119 00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:25,760 Speaker 1: linking it more to depression the sadness, um, the giving up, 120 00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:28,800 Speaker 1: the hopelessness. So that's what we're gonna focus on today. 121 00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:31,520 Speaker 1: And there are many different types of depression. It's not 122 00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:34,640 Speaker 1: just the simple I'm depressed, although you know you don't 123 00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:36,480 Speaker 1: have to say anything other than that to ask for help. 124 00:07:36,480 --> 00:07:38,600 Speaker 1: That that's just a good term and it is what 125 00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:41,840 Speaker 1: it is. But it's helpful to have a definition and 126 00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:44,920 Speaker 1: understanding of what maybe an underlying issue that we should 127 00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:48,440 Speaker 1: be talking about. So out of the many and plethora 128 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:52,800 Speaker 1: of I'm sure identifications and actual titles. Here are a few, 129 00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:54,760 Speaker 1: um some of the ones that are gonna be more 130 00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:58,400 Speaker 1: familiar and probably a little more used, um in the 131 00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:01,800 Speaker 1: public world as opposed to the private world. Do you 132 00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:04,480 Speaker 1: know what I mean? Major depressive disorder, which is a 133 00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:07,440 Speaker 1: severe form of persistent depression. There's a feeling of loss 134 00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:10,200 Speaker 1: of interest in activities or a general depressed mood which 135 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:11,760 Speaker 1: has to be part of the diagnosis. So there are 136 00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:14,880 Speaker 1: several symptoms in several criteria that has to meet, and 137 00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:16,880 Speaker 1: that's one of the big ones that people know. It's 138 00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:20,880 Speaker 1: very severe in its diagnosis. The persistent depressive disorder is 139 00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:24,320 Speaker 1: used to be known as the dysthymia or a low 140 00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:27,480 Speaker 1: grade persistent depression, whichould lasts two years or longer, so 141 00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:30,400 Speaker 1: it's persistent but not as severe as major. And then 142 00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:33,640 Speaker 1: you have the postpartum depression or depression due to infertility 143 00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:35,640 Speaker 1: or pregnancy at the same time, so it's kind of 144 00:08:35,679 --> 00:08:38,760 Speaker 1: all that linkage with that hormone um or the lack 145 00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:42,280 Speaker 1: of Then you have the premistral disporte disorder which is PMDD, 146 00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:44,439 Speaker 1: which is pretty severe and I know we use some 147 00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:47,240 Speaker 1: types of birth control to control that as well, UM, 148 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:49,360 Speaker 1: seasonal effective disorder. You all know what that is. You 149 00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:53,320 Speaker 1: get sad in the wintertime. Atypical depression which is not persistent, 150 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:57,000 Speaker 1: but a pattern of depressive symptoms. So things can happen, UM, 151 00:08:57,040 --> 00:09:00,240 Speaker 1: and you just constantly feel depressed here and there, is 152 00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:02,760 Speaker 1: not necessarily persistent. And sometimes when you have a good 153 00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:04,760 Speaker 1: thing happened, you're like, hey, everything's fine now, but then 154 00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:07,439 Speaker 1: you hit right back to and then you have the 155 00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:12,280 Speaker 1: situational depression or stress response syndromes, not necessarily a psychiatric diagnosis, 156 00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:15,880 Speaker 1: but can occur due to stressful life events or situations. 157 00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:17,880 Speaker 1: I know that's pretty common for a lot of us, 158 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:21,200 Speaker 1: and as we're going through many of things, yea many 159 00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:23,800 Speaker 1: of things, UM, I think that's something to keep in mind. 160 00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:27,160 Speaker 1: It's also important to know that people may have varying 161 00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:29,920 Speaker 1: forms of depression, which can be diagnosed based on timing, 162 00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:33,880 Speaker 1: types of symptoms, and an actual chemical and biological differences 163 00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:37,040 Speaker 1: in an individual. And multiple types of depression can actually 164 00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:40,800 Speaker 1: be diagnosed simultaneously, so you could have major depressive disorder 165 00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:43,640 Speaker 1: and persistent depressive disorders. Is can be a dual thing. 166 00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:47,359 Speaker 1: You can have his partum with major depressive so there's many, 167 00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:51,120 Speaker 1: many linkages that we can't just say it's just just this. UM. 168 00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:54,880 Speaker 1: I'll also remember hormones and thyroid issues can cause major 169 00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:58,560 Speaker 1: roles in depression and mood as well. And we do 170 00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:01,960 Speaker 1: have some statistics from Mental Health America for you, and 171 00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:06,119 Speaker 1: estimated twelve million American women suffer from clinical depression annually, 172 00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:08,839 Speaker 1: about one in eight will develop it at some point 173 00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:11,440 Speaker 1: in their lifetimes. And yeah, all kinds of things go 174 00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:16,160 Speaker 1: into depression. Genetics, hormones, reproduction, biological factors like premnstrual syndrome 175 00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:19,720 Speaker 1: and fertility, childbirth, menopause, and societal factors like work, stress, 176 00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:23,360 Speaker 1: family responsibilities, sexual assaults, and poverty. And interesting in left, 177 00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:26,080 Speaker 1: just because we were talking recently about the daughter syndrome 178 00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:30,400 Speaker 1: UM dutiful daughter syndrome rather and females being the main caregivers, 179 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:32,960 Speaker 1: actually they are high risk for depression just on top 180 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,160 Speaker 1: of that. But even so, on top of that, if 181 00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:37,880 Speaker 1: you're UM caring for a person who has dementia, it's 182 00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:40,360 Speaker 1: twice as likely that you will be diagnosed with depression 183 00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:43,319 Speaker 1: because at that stress level and the likelihood of isolation 184 00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:46,360 Speaker 1: and in itself and just not able to cope and 185 00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:48,240 Speaker 1: not being able to care for oneself, So I thought 186 00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:51,160 Speaker 1: that was interesting to throw out there too. Write over 187 00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:54,000 Speaker 1: fifty of women believe depression is a normal part of 188 00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:56,880 Speaker 1: aging and menopause and do not seek treatment for it, 189 00:10:57,040 --> 00:10:59,840 Speaker 1: and that's where they think, um, their depression is coming 190 00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:01,840 Speaker 1: all right. And actually depression in women could have a 191 00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:05,760 Speaker 1: misdiagnosed rate as high as fifty percent. So that's and 192 00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:08,400 Speaker 1: I thought that was fascinating just to know that women 193 00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:10,720 Speaker 1: in general can still be misdiagnosed, even though we may 194 00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:13,920 Speaker 1: be a little more vocal than the opposite sex, um, 195 00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:17,200 Speaker 1: but it's still misdiagnosed often UM and as any stage earlier. 196 00:11:17,240 --> 00:11:19,840 Speaker 1: Half the women who are diagnosed don't even seek treatment. 197 00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:24,360 Speaker 1: Over women think that depression is totally normal for two 198 00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:26,560 Speaker 1: weeks or longer after giving birth, and that is one 199 00:11:26,559 --> 00:11:29,200 Speaker 1: of the number one reasons people and those identifying as 200 00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:32,720 Speaker 1: female oftentimes don't seek treatment. They believe it will pass, 201 00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:34,960 Speaker 1: or it would be better, or just to it's just 202 00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:37,920 Speaker 1: better to wait it out. And oftentimes films will not 203 00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:41,160 Speaker 1: recognize suppression as being clinical. I think the term mass 204 00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:44,319 Speaker 1: depression is a reference to not feeling normal or like themselves, 205 00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:47,960 Speaker 1: but not want to identify it. As depression or being depressed, 206 00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:51,480 Speaker 1: and there is a likelihood like myself, I don't realize 207 00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:55,440 Speaker 1: I'm going through a depressive episode until the physical signs 208 00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:58,680 Speaker 1: actually come out. So my physical signs are fatigue and 209 00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:02,040 Speaker 1: even muscle pains and over excessive need for sleep because 210 00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:05,200 Speaker 1: a constant tiredness, which is fatigue. And it was noticed 211 00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:07,720 Speaker 1: sometimes that the actual feeling of sadness may not always 212 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:10,400 Speaker 1: be present, so I don't sometimes know that I'm sad. 213 00:12:10,559 --> 00:12:12,880 Speaker 1: I just know my body slowly shutting down. I have 214 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:16,439 Speaker 1: done this a lot, and even recently, after a concern UM, 215 00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:19,400 Speaker 1: after the many of health concerns that I've had, you know, 216 00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:22,000 Speaker 1: all the web and d times I've told you about UM, 217 00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:23,960 Speaker 1: I realized that I was depressed. And I've done this 218 00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:26,600 Speaker 1: throughout my life. This is something that I can look 219 00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:31,520 Speaker 1: back on hindsight and realize, oh, that what was happening. 220 00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:33,959 Speaker 1: I still sometimes can't even catch it until I'm in 221 00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:37,120 Speaker 1: the middle of it, UM, which is quickly accompanied by 222 00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:40,679 Speaker 1: my guilt because there's nothing really wrong happening in my life, 223 00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:43,280 Speaker 1: which is why I can't recognize why I'm feeling this 224 00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:48,320 Speaker 1: fatigued and tired, and I don't nothing nothing makes sense somebody, 225 00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:50,480 Speaker 1: am I getting too much caffeine? I not getting enough caffeine. 226 00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:53,800 Speaker 1: And I think that happens a lot of people don't 227 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:56,600 Speaker 1: see symptoms, or don't recognize it, or don't want to 228 00:12:56,600 --> 00:13:02,040 Speaker 1: know it too. Yeah, I think the exhaustion is the 229 00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:05,199 Speaker 1: one for me. If I'm suddenly like it's tired and 230 00:13:05,240 --> 00:13:07,800 Speaker 1: I don't want to do anything, that's a pretty good sign. 231 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:11,800 Speaker 1: So we do have some more for you listeners. But 232 00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:13,559 Speaker 1: first we're going to pause for a quick break for 233 00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:29,480 Speaker 1: a word from ore sponsored and we're back, Thank you sponsor. 234 00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:33,040 Speaker 1: And we're back with something that I found out has 235 00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:37,000 Speaker 1: an actual name, kind of it. It's called the not 236 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:41,160 Speaker 1: as Bad as fallacy. And we have talked about this 237 00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:43,160 Speaker 1: before for sure, and I've met a lot of you 238 00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:48,119 Speaker 1: don't even really need actually find it, but it's generally 239 00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:52,200 Speaker 1: when you you feel like someone has it worse. So 240 00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:56,120 Speaker 1: what right have you to to voice your problems? Are? 241 00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:59,960 Speaker 1: Are complain um? I used to say to a friend 242 00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:03,160 Speaker 1: who always felt bad complaining about quote heavy quote minor 243 00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:06,040 Speaker 1: things when he knew I had so much quote major 244 00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:08,800 Speaker 1: stuff to complain about. And I used to always tell them, 245 00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:11,440 Speaker 1: it doesn't make your problem less legitimate. Are your feelings 246 00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:16,959 Speaker 1: less valid? Don't get trapped in that comparing game. Comparing 247 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:20,200 Speaker 1: problems is not healthy or productive, although I can see 248 00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:23,640 Speaker 1: some use for putting things in perspective now and again, 249 00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:27,400 Speaker 1: but not like dismissing it or disminishing diminishing it. And 250 00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:28,800 Speaker 1: we did talk about this a little bit in our 251 00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:32,160 Speaker 1: trauma episodes. How women frequently don't report sexual assault because 252 00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:36,200 Speaker 1: they feel their experience was not as bad as other women's. 253 00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:40,960 Speaker 1: Um it's almost the opposite of one upping. For instance, 254 00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:44,600 Speaker 1: if someone who has clinical depression compares their situation and 255 00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:47,440 Speaker 1: their relatively quote lighter problems to someone who doesn't have 256 00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:51,840 Speaker 1: depression and is managing better despite having quote heavier problems, 257 00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:54,520 Speaker 1: they might not seek help, and they might internalize that 258 00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:56,760 Speaker 1: in a negative way. They might experience all sorts of 259 00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:59,600 Speaker 1: negative outcomes. And many of us get our self worth 260 00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:04,280 Speaker 1: and art from perceived strength and resilience, which might keep 261 00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:07,320 Speaker 1: us from admitting that we need help or might make 262 00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:10,240 Speaker 1: ourselves worth take a massive hit. And that's absolutely me. 263 00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:12,160 Speaker 1: I want to be like I'm the strong one. I'm 264 00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:16,520 Speaker 1: okay and stable. It's all good. I don't need any help. Yeah, 265 00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:20,600 Speaker 1: I need a lot of help. Well, we're we're gonna 266 00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:22,920 Speaker 1: get through this together. I'm the same way, and it's 267 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:25,200 Speaker 1: good to have friends that know that about you. Right. 268 00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:28,280 Speaker 1: We all handle problems in different ways, and they impact 269 00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:31,760 Speaker 1: us in different ways. There is no absolute scientific method 270 00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:36,240 Speaker 1: for measuring emotional suffering or pain. Yes, some problems are 271 00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:38,760 Speaker 1: clearly worse than the scale of things, but we all 272 00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:40,760 Speaker 1: know that, and that doesn't mean we should dismiss the 273 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:44,560 Speaker 1: smaller things. Being sensitive and a where about timing is important. 274 00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:49,600 Speaker 1: But yeah, I don't. I don't see any problem. It 275 00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:53,640 Speaker 1: just does it. We all do it, and it's frustrating 276 00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:56,800 Speaker 1: when you see someone else do it, then you do. Well, 277 00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:59,000 Speaker 1: it's not as bad as that, right, But in the 278 00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:03,000 Speaker 1: end there's there's plenty of space where everybody have issues 279 00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:06,960 Speaker 1: and need to fix it. M oh absolutely, And for 280 00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:09,800 Speaker 1: for my recent experience with my dad dying, I didn't 281 00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:12,200 Speaker 1: want to burden other people, especially if I knew they 282 00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:13,720 Speaker 1: were dealing with their own things, and I didn't want 283 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:17,000 Speaker 1: to ask for help and or bother or upset anybody. Um. 284 00:16:17,040 --> 00:16:19,240 Speaker 1: I have a friend who used to say that by 285 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:23,960 Speaker 1: trying not to create problems by asking for help, I 286 00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:27,480 Speaker 1: created my own bigger problems and needed more help. I 287 00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:29,360 Speaker 1: think that that was one of the things I kept 288 00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:31,200 Speaker 1: telling you. I'm like, you need to understand we want 289 00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:33,440 Speaker 1: to help you. Those who really care about you want 290 00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:35,600 Speaker 1: to help you, and when you don't talk to us, 291 00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:39,000 Speaker 1: it makes us feel just like how you're feeling about 292 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,640 Speaker 1: the fact that you couldn't come to us, and we 293 00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:43,640 Speaker 1: would much rather be with you than not and wonder 294 00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:45,240 Speaker 1: what we could do. And that's that's one of the 295 00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:47,600 Speaker 1: big things for everyone's realize. I mean, I'm talking to 296 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:50,160 Speaker 1: myself too, because in my head I grew up with 297 00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:52,440 Speaker 1: and this is something we talked about with the trauma stuff, 298 00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:55,400 Speaker 1: not wanting to be in people's way, or not wanting 299 00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:57,600 Speaker 1: to be a burden, or not want a feeling like 300 00:16:57,640 --> 00:17:00,360 Speaker 1: I'm gonna be rejected, all of those different things. But 301 00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:03,200 Speaker 1: in actuality, those who love you and care for you 302 00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:06,119 Speaker 1: would much rather be there with you than not know 303 00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:08,000 Speaker 1: what happened and come back to, oh my gosh, what 304 00:17:08,119 --> 00:17:10,040 Speaker 1: happened to you? Why couldn't have done this? And I 305 00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:12,680 Speaker 1: think when we talk about like suicide, race and those 306 00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:14,800 Speaker 1: who have taken their own lives, I know those who 307 00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:18,840 Speaker 1: remain have that excess guilt of what could I have done. 308 00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:21,920 Speaker 1: I didn't know um and not everyone, but there's this 309 00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:27,359 Speaker 1: level and not that hopefully it's not on We're not 310 00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:29,760 Speaker 1: gonna victim blame anybody. But the truth of the matter is, 311 00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:32,919 Speaker 1: in any situation, we would rather be there for someone 312 00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:35,239 Speaker 1: than to wonder what we could have done. And that 313 00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:38,280 Speaker 1: goes for everything. Just someone who's going through any tragedy 314 00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:40,080 Speaker 1: and it are able to be coming, able to come 315 00:17:40,119 --> 00:17:42,800 Speaker 1: out of it, to be able to be hopefully, I 316 00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:46,639 Speaker 1: would think in my group of friends, they want to 317 00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:49,080 Speaker 1: be a help and they would love to be a 318 00:17:49,119 --> 00:17:52,680 Speaker 1: part of that, and it makes and I don't know 319 00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:55,399 Speaker 1: if it's karma whatever, but just insentionally like it. It 320 00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:57,800 Speaker 1: helps them too. It is a part of that as well. 321 00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:01,320 Speaker 1: And I think when we were talking about you would 322 00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:02,720 Speaker 1: not want to tell people, you would not want to 323 00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:05,560 Speaker 1: tell people who had gone through similar things I've done. 324 00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:09,000 Speaker 1: I'm like, what are you doing? Like I don't want 325 00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:11,479 Speaker 1: to unstend anybod I'm like, but no, this is not 326 00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:14,720 Speaker 1: about them. This is about you needing help, and that's 327 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:17,760 Speaker 1: for everyone and anyone. I get that as a social worker. 328 00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:19,760 Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't want to think I've gone through 329 00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:22,199 Speaker 1: my own things. I can't project this onto you. But 330 00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:25,119 Speaker 1: there's a difference than being in time of need and 331 00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:27,160 Speaker 1: knowing who you can trust and know you can talk 332 00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:32,600 Speaker 1: to and not having to worry about that. Right, yes, yes, um, 333 00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:37,960 Speaker 1: And that's something I have experienced doing during this whole thing. Um, 334 00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:40,240 Speaker 1: people expressing to me that they feel bad complaining about 335 00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:43,480 Speaker 1: insert whatever problem here, when when you've gone through such 336 00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:46,359 Speaker 1: a loss and it's kind of drying it, it's because 337 00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:48,720 Speaker 1: sometimes you might have forgotten about it, or you weren't 338 00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:50,639 Speaker 1: thinking about it for a second, and then it's it 339 00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:52,720 Speaker 1: comes zooming back, and I totally get the instinct. I've 340 00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:55,080 Speaker 1: done it too, um, But I don't see anything wrong 341 00:18:55,119 --> 00:18:59,119 Speaker 1: with talking about something else right, right. And I'm not 342 00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:01,840 Speaker 1: sure why. When we were researching this, I just started 343 00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:05,240 Speaker 1: wondering why it's so ingrained in us to dismiss our 344 00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:09,879 Speaker 1: own problems um to our own like stressors and anxieties. 345 00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:12,280 Speaker 1: Why do you think that is? I think that from 346 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:15,400 Speaker 1: many females and those who identify, and especially those who 347 00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:19,639 Speaker 1: are marginalized marginalized females, the idea of survival and persistence 348 00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:22,320 Speaker 1: means strength in oneself and the desire to not ask 349 00:19:22,359 --> 00:19:25,080 Speaker 1: for help, to be the solution and not to cause 350 00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:28,679 Speaker 1: problems to not be seen, as I said earlier, a burden. 351 00:19:29,359 --> 00:19:32,919 Speaker 1: There's also this whole secrecy versus a tention seeking and 352 00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:35,040 Speaker 1: I think and also a major part of this is 353 00:19:35,119 --> 00:19:38,240 Speaker 1: being ignored a bit um So when I talk about 354 00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:40,800 Speaker 1: being a tention seeking or being secrecy, think about the 355 00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:43,919 Speaker 1: Appellation family that kind of became a social They're a 356 00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:46,080 Speaker 1: group in itself, and there is keep it in the 357 00:19:46,119 --> 00:19:48,280 Speaker 1: family that idea, and part of it keeping in the 358 00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:51,200 Speaker 1: family is not to talk to people, including therapists or 359 00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:54,320 Speaker 1: anybody else about whatever situation is wrong with you. So 360 00:19:54,359 --> 00:19:56,560 Speaker 1: if you're depressed, put on the happy face, don't not 361 00:19:56,680 --> 00:19:59,679 Speaker 1: like anything's wrong, because you're going to bring shame uh 362 00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:02,040 Speaker 1: blah blah blah to the family or whatnot. So it's 363 00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:05,160 Speaker 1: supposed to be internalized and and supposed to be um 364 00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:07,920 Speaker 1: quiet or the attention seekings, like if I ask for help, 365 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:10,440 Speaker 1: it looks like I'm just asking for attention, And I 366 00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:13,600 Speaker 1: think there's this fear that you're that person, especially for females. Oh, 367 00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:17,159 Speaker 1: she's just an attention horror type of mentality, and it's like, Mmm, 368 00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:20,720 Speaker 1: can we just go ahead and push that off the table. Altogether, UM, 369 00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:22,920 Speaker 1: and I think again, as I was talking about being ignored, 370 00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:25,800 Speaker 1: we already talked about previously, and I know the episodes, 371 00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:29,720 Speaker 1: many many episodes of not believing women, UM, doctors not 372 00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:32,720 Speaker 1: believing women in general. As we stated earlier, women are 373 00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:35,520 Speaker 1: misdiagnosed when it comes to depression again, up to fifty 374 00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:38,959 Speaker 1: percent at the time. So that may be a problem 375 00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:40,720 Speaker 1: as well if you actually do feel like there's something 376 00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:42,240 Speaker 1: wrong and you just can't put a finger on it. 377 00:20:42,359 --> 00:20:45,119 Speaker 1: A k A. I'm tired on this and this, but 378 00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:48,080 Speaker 1: it's not necessarily if it's physical as much as mental 379 00:20:48,119 --> 00:20:50,240 Speaker 1: health stuff, and it's not being believed that you're actually 380 00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:53,960 Speaker 1: tired kind of personality. You know, perhaps that's one of 381 00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:55,400 Speaker 1: the reasons you don't want to talk about it, because 382 00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:59,439 Speaker 1: it's I'm just imagining things once again. Or we can 383 00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:01,760 Speaker 1: talk about religion. I know we brought this up and 384 00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:04,200 Speaker 1: the idea that the suddenalo neis to be handled through 385 00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:07,560 Speaker 1: faith in prayer. I was actually told that growing up, UM, 386 00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:12,920 Speaker 1: I had attempted suicide at the age of twelve, I think, 387 00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:16,080 Speaker 1: And at that point in time, I think I told 388 00:21:16,119 --> 00:21:18,640 Speaker 1: the story where I went to a friend of mine, 389 00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:20,560 Speaker 1: my friend of mine reported to ARCTS school counselor. I 390 00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:22,600 Speaker 1: had to sit down school counselor report to my family. 391 00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:26,800 Speaker 1: My family put me into um a room and yelled 392 00:21:26,840 --> 00:21:30,800 Speaker 1: at me about how I embarrassed them, and then how 393 00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:32,760 Speaker 1: I could I not come to them into the church, 394 00:21:32,840 --> 00:21:35,240 Speaker 1: and and how we have you really been praying about this? 395 00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:38,360 Speaker 1: That was the question I was asked, UM, And I 396 00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:41,320 Speaker 1: was going through a lot of issues, identity issues. I 397 00:21:41,359 --> 00:21:43,919 Speaker 1: still am, and but this put this whole level of 398 00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:47,679 Speaker 1: shame that I didn't understand growing up. UM. And because 399 00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:52,520 Speaker 1: I was really really into religion up until past college years, 400 00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:56,479 Speaker 1: I felt like I was failing if I was not 401 00:21:56,640 --> 00:22:01,480 Speaker 1: content and happy and satisfied. And and then the whole 402 00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:04,800 Speaker 1: other part with that was, um, why isn't Jesus enough 403 00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:07,200 Speaker 1: for me? And please don't get me wrong once again, 404 00:22:07,359 --> 00:22:10,200 Speaker 1: I think religion can be beautiful, and I think faith 405 00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:12,560 Speaker 1: is beautiful, and I think people need it as a 406 00:22:12,560 --> 00:22:15,000 Speaker 1: way of coping, and people believe it, and that's fantastic. 407 00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:19,640 Speaker 1: But when it comes in overshadows other things such as 408 00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:22,320 Speaker 1: getting medical help or get you know there's a problem, 409 00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:25,400 Speaker 1: there's a problem there, and and being taught that makes 410 00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:27,359 Speaker 1: you want to ignore it because you don't want to 411 00:22:27,359 --> 00:22:30,320 Speaker 1: bring shame on yourself because you don't have enough faith. 412 00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:33,760 Speaker 1: And then I think also there's this whole fear of 413 00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:39,440 Speaker 1: being UH listed or being labeled as crazy, so going 414 00:22:39,480 --> 00:22:42,439 Speaker 1: to a therapist, taking medication, going doing any of these things, 415 00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:46,760 Speaker 1: if you have a mental health disorder, then you are crazy. 416 00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:49,080 Speaker 1: And that's not true. I mean even now when we're 417 00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:51,240 Speaker 1: talking about the shootings that have happened, and the first 418 00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:55,959 Speaker 1: thing they label our mass shooters mental health issues and 419 00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:58,520 Speaker 1: that's the only thing you really here as a defense 420 00:22:58,560 --> 00:23:02,560 Speaker 1: mechanism uh or a defense Rather for them, it becomes 421 00:23:02,560 --> 00:23:06,160 Speaker 1: this whole stigma they were crazy, you know. And don't 422 00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:07,760 Speaker 1: get me wrong, I'm sure there's mental health in there. 423 00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:10,879 Speaker 1: I'm sure there's a like many, many, many issues for 424 00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:13,840 Speaker 1: anyone and everyone, anyone and everyone who feel like they 425 00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:15,639 Speaker 1: have the right to take lives or any of that, 426 00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:18,120 Speaker 1: or have the right to get something. There's some other 427 00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:21,919 Speaker 1: problems we know this, But that label in itself, I 428 00:23:21,920 --> 00:23:25,040 Speaker 1: think deters people with actual problems like this to not 429 00:23:25,119 --> 00:23:28,080 Speaker 1: want to be labeled. And I think those are some 430 00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:31,040 Speaker 1: of the things. I'm sure twenty thousand more reasons could 431 00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:33,760 Speaker 1: come about UM and I know, there's tons of research. 432 00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:35,760 Speaker 1: As I was reading through it, a lot of it 433 00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:38,320 Speaker 1: was like, all right, yeah, you may they may deny this, 434 00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:41,439 Speaker 1: this and this and this isn't this, but on the 435 00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:44,480 Speaker 1: reality it is now what do you what can you do? 436 00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:46,760 Speaker 1: I think that's the next part of the columns that 437 00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:50,080 Speaker 1: I've seen when you read through why to how or 438 00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:53,320 Speaker 1: or in um And I thought it was also fascinating 439 00:23:53,359 --> 00:23:57,840 Speaker 1: that again, men there was a whole comparison to men 440 00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:00,160 Speaker 1: versus women who handles what and how have they hand all? 441 00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:03,920 Speaker 1: How whatever? But it's still the fact that women also 442 00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:07,960 Speaker 1: may not have the time to seek out help. Again 443 00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:10,680 Speaker 1: kind of going back to the caregiver's part. But when 444 00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:13,200 Speaker 1: you're trying to quote unquote do it all and take 445 00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:16,119 Speaker 1: care at all, take care of it all, when do 446 00:24:16,119 --> 00:24:19,840 Speaker 1: you have the time? Yeah, you know, yeah, that's true. 447 00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:21,879 Speaker 1: I remember I think I filled this around the podcast. 448 00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:23,760 Speaker 1: Before the first time I went to therapy, the therapist 449 00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:27,040 Speaker 1: said to me, I think you don't have time for 450 00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:28,800 Speaker 1: therapy and it will stress you out more. And I 451 00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:32,399 Speaker 1: was like, agreed because I didn't want to go. But 452 00:24:32,440 --> 00:24:35,560 Speaker 1: I always thought that was kind of strange. It's it's 453 00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:39,919 Speaker 1: almost like there's a level of gaslighting ourselves, like we 454 00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:42,840 Speaker 1: don't We're so ready to not believe ourselves. And I 455 00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:44,400 Speaker 1: do think it's interesting that we do it to our 456 00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:47,399 Speaker 1: past selves too, Like what was that complaining about at eighteen? 457 00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:50,400 Speaker 1: I didn't know anything, and there is some again perspective there, 458 00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:54,920 Speaker 1: but we're so ready to just dismiss um. It's kind 459 00:24:54,920 --> 00:24:58,000 Speaker 1: of like a reminder that hormones are changing pretty fast 460 00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:02,960 Speaker 1: in those times. And so even though yes, drama queen 461 00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:07,080 Speaker 1: is the term that oftentimes happened to these teenagers or whatnot, 462 00:25:07,200 --> 00:25:09,440 Speaker 1: which is unfortunate, you do need to take the time 463 00:25:09,440 --> 00:25:11,960 Speaker 1: to listen autely because there's a lot I think that's 464 00:25:11,960 --> 00:25:14,600 Speaker 1: when I started cutting. Yeah, it was when in teenage 465 00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:16,760 Speaker 1: years and it kind of became a coping mechanism. And 466 00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:18,880 Speaker 1: I don't say I'm not a severe cutter, but let 467 00:25:18,920 --> 00:25:20,439 Speaker 1: me put that out there. I guess we need put 468 00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:24,040 Speaker 1: this on top two um. But like just the harming 469 00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:27,639 Speaker 1: indoor without realizing when I'm gripping myself, you know, like 470 00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:31,600 Speaker 1: in that way learned it as a teenager. So there's 471 00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:33,639 Speaker 1: a lot of habits that begin there as a coping 472 00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:35,760 Speaker 1: mechanism that you need to recognize and go ahead and 473 00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:38,200 Speaker 1: talk to your kids or talk to the kids around 474 00:25:38,240 --> 00:25:40,639 Speaker 1: you about if you see that as a concern. Yeah, 475 00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:45,040 Speaker 1: it's a really volatile time. Um. For some reason, when 476 00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:47,520 Speaker 1: we mentioned we were going to do this, the first 477 00:25:47,720 --> 00:25:51,600 Speaker 1: thing I thought of was this Seinfeld episode where they's 478 00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:54,840 Speaker 1: a coworker Elaine I think her name was Toby. She 479 00:25:54,960 --> 00:25:58,040 Speaker 1: loses her pinky toe, and Elaine feels something like jealousy 480 00:25:58,200 --> 00:26:02,720 Speaker 1: about the amount of sympathy and I think she gets promotion, um, 481 00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:06,000 Speaker 1: which a lame thinks is because of the pinky toe, 482 00:26:06,040 --> 00:26:10,760 Speaker 1: because she lost her pinky toe. And um. One of 483 00:26:10,840 --> 00:26:14,280 Speaker 1: the behind the scenes like commentary and by the way, 484 00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:18,159 Speaker 1: that the toe does get reattached if you're concerned. Spoiler. 485 00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:25,640 Speaker 1: Sorry that didn't even come out of my head. Um, 486 00:26:25,680 --> 00:26:29,360 Speaker 1: but what In the commentary, one of the writers said 487 00:26:29,359 --> 00:26:31,960 Speaker 1: the inspiration for the story came from a woman working 488 00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:34,560 Speaker 1: on a neighboring show who had lost her baby and 489 00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:37,760 Speaker 1: allegedly or coworkers were jealous of the attention their boss 490 00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:45,119 Speaker 1: gave her. Yeah. Wow, this is strange, mind blowing, Oh Seinfeld. 491 00:26:45,480 --> 00:26:49,160 Speaker 1: The thing is, if none of us, all seven billion 492 00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:52,359 Speaker 1: plus people on this earth, never discussed our problems because 493 00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:55,360 Speaker 1: someone out there has it worse. We would never talk 494 00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:57,399 Speaker 1: about the things that bother us, all of us, but 495 00:26:57,600 --> 00:27:02,359 Speaker 1: one person who drew the most terrible, terrible straws. We 496 00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:05,800 Speaker 1: wouldn't be able to have open and honest conversations about 497 00:27:05,840 --> 00:27:07,960 Speaker 1: what was going on in our lives. I wonder who 498 00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:13,600 Speaker 1: that persone would be, goodness, I don't even want Yeah, no, no, no, no. 499 00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:18,640 Speaker 1: And this is actually important in the context of policy, like, um, 500 00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:21,680 Speaker 1: sure the US has internet censorship, but China has it worse. 501 00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:24,840 Speaker 1: Like I've heard that, um, which is true, but it 502 00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:28,640 Speaker 1: doesn't mean we don't have a problem, right or Americans 503 00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:32,400 Speaker 1: men's rights activistsy point to women in other countries who 504 00:27:32,440 --> 00:27:35,879 Speaker 1: deal with more sexism. So what are you complaining about, ladies? 505 00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:38,760 Speaker 1: So we see this on bigger, like a larger scale. 506 00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:42,040 Speaker 1: And then there's the when I was your age thing 507 00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:45,159 Speaker 1: stopped complaining. Um. But yeah, kind of getting away from 508 00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:47,399 Speaker 1: the original point. No, but you're right, I think, Um, 509 00:27:47,480 --> 00:27:51,240 Speaker 1: that's exactly kind of where I started thinking about this 510 00:27:51,280 --> 00:27:54,399 Speaker 1: whole idea. UM. I had a conversation with one of 511 00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:57,119 Speaker 1: my good friends recently where she felt her crashing point 512 00:27:57,200 --> 00:28:00,400 Speaker 1: was silly and ridiculous. Reason Um, even to the point 513 00:28:00,440 --> 00:28:03,760 Speaker 1: that her parents asked if something else happened that triggered 514 00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:06,080 Speaker 1: all of these issues and she felt so weak and 515 00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:08,760 Speaker 1: that that she just couldn't understand why she, as an 516 00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:10,880 Speaker 1: individual who has a great job and has a good 517 00:28:10,880 --> 00:28:14,240 Speaker 1: family at home and everything seemed to be okay, why 518 00:28:14,320 --> 00:28:16,439 Speaker 1: she felt like this and why she was being like this. 519 00:28:16,920 --> 00:28:18,800 Speaker 1: And the truth of that is it is not necessarily 520 00:28:18,840 --> 00:28:22,560 Speaker 1: the issue in itself, but it's what the depression is 521 00:28:22,600 --> 00:28:25,320 Speaker 1: hanging itself on. That's the statement that I wanted to 522 00:28:25,320 --> 00:28:28,280 Speaker 1: make sure was said and heart that I know this 523 00:28:28,359 --> 00:28:32,480 Speaker 1: sounds very self help ish. Depression in itself is its 524 00:28:32,520 --> 00:28:35,800 Speaker 1: own monster, and sometimes we can't explain why it's there. 525 00:28:35,920 --> 00:28:39,680 Speaker 1: It makes sense with like death or loss in tragedy, 526 00:28:39,760 --> 00:28:42,880 Speaker 1: but outside of that, the monster will use whatever weakness 527 00:28:42,880 --> 00:28:45,240 Speaker 1: it may find in an individual to bring them down. 528 00:28:45,600 --> 00:28:47,800 Speaker 1: And that's kind of the reminder. Depression exists and haunt 529 00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:50,360 Speaker 1: some of us all the time, at all times, and 530 00:28:50,560 --> 00:28:52,560 Speaker 1: that's just how it is, how it's going to be 531 00:28:52,600 --> 00:28:57,320 Speaker 1: forever um And then that for some it's situational or again, 532 00:28:57,360 --> 00:29:00,120 Speaker 1: as we talked about, a typical these things happens. You 533 00:29:00,160 --> 00:29:03,080 Speaker 1: may just be a sad person in yourself. I think 534 00:29:03,120 --> 00:29:06,560 Speaker 1: I'm more sad and cynical than anything else. Um, and 535 00:29:06,600 --> 00:29:09,960 Speaker 1: I have to pretend and play happy and bubbly when 536 00:29:10,000 --> 00:29:11,800 Speaker 1: I have to play that role, and I can go, 537 00:29:11,920 --> 00:29:13,840 Speaker 1: I can get it. But typically I just wanted to 538 00:29:13,840 --> 00:29:15,800 Speaker 1: be at a house and just silently stare at the 539 00:29:15,840 --> 00:29:19,240 Speaker 1: screen and hug my dog. Just the whole idea of 540 00:29:19,280 --> 00:29:21,200 Speaker 1: shaking it off or just letting it go, it's not 541 00:29:21,280 --> 00:29:25,120 Speaker 1: a reasonable option. Just like any element, there's not always 542 00:29:25,120 --> 00:29:29,240 Speaker 1: a cure. And I think you need to be remember 543 00:29:29,280 --> 00:29:31,440 Speaker 1: every day can be different. So one day is gonna 544 00:29:31,440 --> 00:29:33,320 Speaker 1: be rough, next day may be okay, the next day 545 00:29:33,360 --> 00:29:36,000 Speaker 1: may be All of these things happen, and we have 546 00:29:36,280 --> 00:29:39,320 Speaker 1: flare ups, and sometimes it's a great day, and sometimes 547 00:29:39,560 --> 00:29:41,600 Speaker 1: it's an awful day. And sometimes you don't have a 548 00:29:41,600 --> 00:29:44,480 Speaker 1: flare up, but you have a flare up every day, 549 00:29:44,560 --> 00:29:46,600 Speaker 1: or you don't have one for months at a time. 550 00:29:47,080 --> 00:29:48,840 Speaker 1: And I think that's the reminder that I want to 551 00:29:48,840 --> 00:29:52,880 Speaker 1: talk about, is because we beat ourselves up so often 552 00:29:53,360 --> 00:29:58,600 Speaker 1: because of A, B, C, and D. And it can 553 00:29:58,680 --> 00:30:01,360 Speaker 1: be as easy as someone who has gone through hell 554 00:30:01,440 --> 00:30:03,720 Speaker 1: and back coming back and saying I've been blessed because 555 00:30:03,760 --> 00:30:08,400 Speaker 1: I'm here and ignoring that tragedy kind of like thor yeah, 556 00:30:08,720 --> 00:30:12,080 Speaker 1: you know what I mean. You know I did that 557 00:30:12,120 --> 00:30:14,720 Speaker 1: for you. I brought that, I brought that back for you. Um, 558 00:30:14,760 --> 00:30:16,920 Speaker 1: the idea that you know, oh yes, I lost all 559 00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:22,040 Speaker 1: of these people, I've lost my pretty much planet planet, 560 00:30:22,440 --> 00:30:25,960 Speaker 1: he lost all of this stuff, but but I'm still here. 561 00:30:26,000 --> 00:30:28,160 Speaker 1: It's okay, and I'm gonna keep fighting for another day. 562 00:30:28,920 --> 00:30:32,520 Speaker 1: And what happened he became a gluten alcoholic. It's okay. 563 00:30:32,800 --> 00:30:35,040 Speaker 1: The idea that you can find any reason to say 564 00:30:35,120 --> 00:30:37,840 Speaker 1: I'm doing this wrong or I shouldn't be doing this. 565 00:30:38,440 --> 00:30:39,920 Speaker 1: But those are the time so that when you start 566 00:30:39,960 --> 00:30:43,640 Speaker 1: ignoring things, bigger issues happen. And I think for me, 567 00:30:43,800 --> 00:30:47,760 Speaker 1: the idea trying to hold it together and then you 568 00:30:47,800 --> 00:30:50,320 Speaker 1: fall apart and you see only one solution, which is 569 00:30:50,360 --> 00:30:53,400 Speaker 1: by the way, sometimes haunts you as a person who 570 00:30:53,880 --> 00:30:59,680 Speaker 1: have suicidal tendicities at times, and I have to check myself. Um, 571 00:30:59,720 --> 00:31:03,959 Speaker 1: it's always kind of there and and this is super serious, 572 00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:06,600 Speaker 1: and I apologize. I know this is one of those 573 00:31:06,600 --> 00:31:09,560 Speaker 1: things that I'm like, I think it's necessary. It's always lingering. 574 00:31:10,040 --> 00:31:12,920 Speaker 1: So having a breaking point, even though you have to 575 00:31:12,960 --> 00:31:14,960 Speaker 1: remind yourself and hopefully you're in a good meddle state 576 00:31:15,000 --> 00:31:18,440 Speaker 1: to say tomorrow will be different. Things do change, it 577 00:31:18,480 --> 00:31:21,120 Speaker 1: will not always be like this at that moment. You 578 00:31:21,160 --> 00:31:24,400 Speaker 1: may not remember that, you know what I mean, And 579 00:31:24,440 --> 00:31:27,040 Speaker 1: I think I just it needs to be a reminder 580 00:31:27,120 --> 00:31:31,040 Speaker 1: that depression is an entity in itself, and it's not 581 00:31:31,160 --> 00:31:34,960 Speaker 1: just because it's not necessarily just because something is happening, 582 00:31:35,480 --> 00:31:37,240 Speaker 1: and so you need to be careful and be able 583 00:31:37,280 --> 00:31:39,560 Speaker 1: to talk and have your support system and be able 584 00:31:39,640 --> 00:31:41,240 Speaker 1: to do all these things, which we're gonna talk about 585 00:31:41,280 --> 00:31:43,440 Speaker 1: more later, but I did want to bring that out 586 00:31:43,840 --> 00:31:46,120 Speaker 1: that it is a thing. Depression is a thing. It 587 00:31:46,320 --> 00:31:49,560 Speaker 1: is a categorical thing that is not necessarily seen, but 588 00:31:49,680 --> 00:31:52,600 Speaker 1: definitely felt and definitely there in existence on its own. 589 00:31:53,080 --> 00:31:56,080 Speaker 1: It's like you, you come in with the m CU 590 00:31:56,120 --> 00:31:57,640 Speaker 1: reference and then I come in with the Harry Potter 591 00:31:57,680 --> 00:32:03,800 Speaker 1: and yeah, it's just yes, and it clings to everything, 592 00:32:03,840 --> 00:32:09,040 Speaker 1: negativity of your life, everything. Alright, alright, I love how 593 00:32:09,080 --> 00:32:13,280 Speaker 1: our positivity episodes are always a bummer. But we do 594 00:32:13,480 --> 00:32:16,920 Speaker 1: have some advice for you. But first we have one 595 00:32:16,920 --> 00:32:33,120 Speaker 1: more quick break for word from our sponsor, and we're back. 596 00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:39,400 Speaker 1: Thank you sponsor. Okay, so, advice. Yeah, yeah, I think 597 00:32:39,440 --> 00:32:42,280 Speaker 1: that's this is so the beginning. The first part for 598 00:32:42,400 --> 00:32:44,320 Speaker 1: us is to define it and let you know so 599 00:32:44,360 --> 00:32:48,440 Speaker 1: you can recognize it. Sometimes having a title. It's nice 600 00:32:47,800 --> 00:32:52,040 Speaker 1: about being able to name it's very right. So that's 601 00:32:52,040 --> 00:32:55,280 Speaker 1: why we came at the beginning and reinforcing the fact 602 00:32:55,320 --> 00:32:58,120 Speaker 1: that just because not everything is falling apart doesn't mean 603 00:32:58,160 --> 00:33:01,400 Speaker 1: you may not be feeling that. So now come back with, hey, 604 00:33:01,440 --> 00:33:04,560 Speaker 1: here's some things maybe could be helpful. And I hope 605 00:33:04,560 --> 00:33:07,840 Speaker 1: that you know that you're not by yourself, right, because 606 00:33:08,000 --> 00:33:12,719 Speaker 1: this advice is actually primarily for other people in your life. 607 00:33:13,040 --> 00:33:16,000 Speaker 1: So if you're going through something, um, if you're in 608 00:33:16,040 --> 00:33:21,720 Speaker 1: the midst of a trauma, grief, or some other massive loss, um, 609 00:33:21,960 --> 00:33:24,480 Speaker 1: this is more for the other people because it's it's 610 00:33:24,520 --> 00:33:26,600 Speaker 1: hard when we detect stress and people that we care 611 00:33:26,600 --> 00:33:28,920 Speaker 1: about because we often feel it too, and we want 612 00:33:28,920 --> 00:33:31,840 Speaker 1: to fix it, and it cannot necessarily be fixed, and 613 00:33:32,040 --> 00:33:34,240 Speaker 1: sometimes it can't even be made better um. And it 614 00:33:34,280 --> 00:33:37,680 Speaker 1: makes you feel powerless and useless, and no one likes 615 00:33:38,160 --> 00:33:42,200 Speaker 1: those things. It makes you face the randomness of life 616 00:33:42,280 --> 00:33:44,480 Speaker 1: and your own lack of control, and that's why we 617 00:33:44,480 --> 00:33:48,360 Speaker 1: feel so uncomfortable and an adequate or are a lot 618 00:33:48,360 --> 00:33:50,080 Speaker 1: of us feel that way, I would imagine. I think 619 00:33:50,120 --> 00:33:54,000 Speaker 1: it also makes you feel incomplete. Um, you don't feel 620 00:33:54,000 --> 00:33:56,240 Speaker 1: whole anymore. And when you lose a loss of self, 621 00:33:56,280 --> 00:33:57,920 Speaker 1: a loss of a bit of who you wish you are, 622 00:33:58,520 --> 00:34:03,200 Speaker 1: who you once were, there the whole identity crisis in that, 623 00:34:03,320 --> 00:34:05,960 Speaker 1: so that that people need to recognize that even though 624 00:34:06,040 --> 00:34:09,160 Speaker 1: you're like, but what about but there's still that whole 625 00:34:09,160 --> 00:34:11,080 Speaker 1: trying to piece it back together. So you have to 626 00:34:11,080 --> 00:34:15,600 Speaker 1: be careful in dismissing all of those things from other individuals. 627 00:34:17,000 --> 00:34:20,120 Speaker 1: And if you feel like you don't know what to 628 00:34:20,200 --> 00:34:23,239 Speaker 1: say or do, don't let that stop you from reaching out. 629 00:34:23,280 --> 00:34:26,680 Speaker 1: I everyone, almost everyone feels that way, right And this 630 00:34:26,719 --> 00:34:28,520 Speaker 1: is one of those moments where you just come in 631 00:34:28,560 --> 00:34:31,640 Speaker 1: and say what do you need? It's okay to ask 632 00:34:32,440 --> 00:34:33,960 Speaker 1: and they may not give you a straight answer, but 633 00:34:34,040 --> 00:34:36,520 Speaker 1: sometimes that non answer helps too, And I think that's 634 00:34:36,560 --> 00:34:37,880 Speaker 1: the best way you can do it. Just come in 635 00:34:37,920 --> 00:34:40,120 Speaker 1: and say, I don't know how you're feeling, I don't 636 00:34:40,160 --> 00:34:42,319 Speaker 1: know how you handle, and I don't know what your 637 00:34:42,320 --> 00:34:44,279 Speaker 1: coping mechanism is, but what is it? Let me see 638 00:34:44,320 --> 00:34:46,239 Speaker 1: if I can help you? What what do you need 639 00:34:46,320 --> 00:34:50,200 Speaker 1: from me right now? What can't I do? And listening 640 00:34:50,760 --> 00:34:53,960 Speaker 1: is always a good one. Don't avoid the subjects if 641 00:34:53,960 --> 00:34:56,439 Speaker 1: it comes up. UM, don't force someone to talk about 642 00:34:56,480 --> 00:35:01,560 Speaker 1: it either. Get comfortable with silence. Get prepared, be prepared 643 00:35:01,600 --> 00:35:05,560 Speaker 1: to witness pain and having no solution for it. UM, 644 00:35:05,640 --> 00:35:08,359 Speaker 1: And don't really try to offer one because again they're 645 00:35:08,520 --> 00:35:11,959 Speaker 1: not necessarily You can give like tomorrow will be better. 646 00:35:12,320 --> 00:35:15,560 Speaker 1: You can do things like that. And I say this 647 00:35:15,600 --> 00:35:18,320 Speaker 1: as someone who's in the midst of grief. Grieving folks 648 00:35:18,320 --> 00:35:21,080 Speaker 1: can be a little weird, UM, and they're all different, 649 00:35:21,160 --> 00:35:24,319 Speaker 1: so you might feel unappreciated because the other person doesn't 650 00:35:24,320 --> 00:35:27,080 Speaker 1: have the energy to contribute to the relationship in the 651 00:35:27,160 --> 00:35:30,239 Speaker 1: same way. UM. I feel like I was just kind 652 00:35:30,239 --> 00:35:33,560 Speaker 1: of wandering around aimlessly and I would just forget. I'd 653 00:35:33,560 --> 00:35:38,480 Speaker 1: be in the middle of a conversation, I would just forget. UM. 654 00:35:38,719 --> 00:35:42,359 Speaker 1: Be prepared for stuff like that. UM. Maybe don't say 655 00:35:42,400 --> 00:35:45,120 Speaker 1: things like it's God's plan, she or he is in 656 00:35:45,160 --> 00:35:46,840 Speaker 1: a better place. You need to move on, like at 657 00:35:46,840 --> 00:35:48,799 Speaker 1: all you have to be grateful for you should do 658 00:35:48,960 --> 00:35:52,319 Speaker 1: whatever is her here. They've lived a long life. Things 659 00:35:52,360 --> 00:35:55,920 Speaker 1: like that. UM. Also, maybe don't tag posts with deceased 660 00:35:56,080 --> 00:35:59,440 Speaker 1: on Facebook or XES or something like that. Right, it's 661 00:35:59,440 --> 00:36:01,120 Speaker 1: it's you need to be very careful. You need to 662 00:36:01,120 --> 00:36:05,239 Speaker 1: get permission. One. This is not necessarily about you, And 663 00:36:05,280 --> 00:36:07,080 Speaker 1: I say that of course if they are your significant 664 00:36:07,080 --> 00:36:09,840 Speaker 1: other and do what you need to do to grief 665 00:36:09,920 --> 00:36:13,239 Speaker 1: and such. Um. But if you're a friend of a 666 00:36:13,280 --> 00:36:17,480 Speaker 1: friend who you did like them, be careful. Yeah, I 667 00:36:17,520 --> 00:36:21,560 Speaker 1: would also say, um. With all of these things, validate 668 00:36:21,640 --> 00:36:25,919 Speaker 1: the feelings of an individual. So instead of saying God 669 00:36:25,960 --> 00:36:28,359 Speaker 1: has a plan for you, just listen and just say, 670 00:36:28,360 --> 00:36:30,120 Speaker 1: oh my god, you know, so, how are you feeling? 671 00:36:30,160 --> 00:36:32,000 Speaker 1: What do you What do you feel about this? Okay, 672 00:36:32,080 --> 00:36:34,879 Speaker 1: again coming back with what can I do? Whatever, We're 673 00:36:34,920 --> 00:36:37,880 Speaker 1: just sitting with them and ask how are you feeling 674 00:36:37,920 --> 00:36:43,200 Speaker 1: about this? And then listen. Because if maybe that person 675 00:36:43,360 --> 00:36:46,560 Speaker 1: is religious and they say, yeah, I appreciate the time 676 00:36:46,600 --> 00:36:49,239 Speaker 1: and they're in a great better place, celebrate that with them. 677 00:36:49,440 --> 00:36:51,839 Speaker 1: That's fantastic. Go ahead and with that. But again, not 678 00:36:52,000 --> 00:36:56,359 Speaker 1: everyone grieves this way either. And that's the same thing 679 00:36:56,400 --> 00:36:58,799 Speaker 1: for anyone who's going through depression and it has no 680 00:36:58,840 --> 00:37:02,520 Speaker 1: trauma or tragedy in it, there's no reason they have 681 00:37:02,560 --> 00:37:06,280 Speaker 1: to have a reason, just ask what can I do again? Listen, 682 00:37:06,719 --> 00:37:09,759 Speaker 1: sit and listen. Of course, it's always nice to hear 683 00:37:09,800 --> 00:37:12,000 Speaker 1: you love them. Yes, I'm sure they'll take that in 684 00:37:12,000 --> 00:37:14,520 Speaker 1: anyway because I would love that being appreciated. It is 685 00:37:14,560 --> 00:37:20,759 Speaker 1: always always nice. Absolutely um checkens Chickens are great for 686 00:37:20,840 --> 00:37:22,920 Speaker 1: the long haul too, especially on big days if we're 687 00:37:22,920 --> 00:37:26,760 Speaker 1: talking about something like all days, anniversary's birthdays. I found 688 00:37:26,760 --> 00:37:29,839 Speaker 1: this quote grief last longer than sympathy. Uh And in 689 00:37:29,840 --> 00:37:32,879 Speaker 1: those first weeks months, people usually don't know what they want, 690 00:37:32,920 --> 00:37:35,359 Speaker 1: our need. So by the time they've figured it out, 691 00:37:35,560 --> 00:37:37,560 Speaker 1: people have stopped asking a lot of times. And I 692 00:37:37,560 --> 00:37:39,880 Speaker 1: can tell you I am afraid, like I'll wake up 693 00:37:39,920 --> 00:37:42,040 Speaker 1: at night. I'm like one day people check it off. 694 00:37:44,760 --> 00:37:48,719 Speaker 1: So very important, very important. Well, and with that, I 695 00:37:48,719 --> 00:37:54,520 Speaker 1: would add, it's not about you. So just because you're uncomfortable, sorry, 696 00:37:55,440 --> 00:37:56,680 Speaker 1: you need to deal with it now. Of course it 697 00:37:56,760 --> 00:37:58,880 Speaker 1: is something because you have PTSD and you have trauma. 698 00:37:58,880 --> 00:38:01,080 Speaker 1: Of course, take care of yourself and look look to 699 00:38:01,120 --> 00:38:03,040 Speaker 1: yourself and see what you need to do is well. 700 00:38:03,080 --> 00:38:06,800 Speaker 1: But if you're someone that has good friends, you should 701 00:38:06,800 --> 00:38:09,720 Speaker 1: also be a good friend and not everyone and everyone's 702 00:38:09,719 --> 00:38:13,000 Speaker 1: going to experience something sometimes right, and some things may 703 00:38:13,040 --> 00:38:15,399 Speaker 1: be uncomfortable, and I think I dealt with that with 704 00:38:15,560 --> 00:38:18,839 Speaker 1: my own PTSC triggers and sexual assault stuff. And and 705 00:38:18,880 --> 00:38:22,880 Speaker 1: of course obviously we're gonna hear we're hearing so much now, 706 00:38:23,000 --> 00:38:26,040 Speaker 1: so many things today. But one of the things that 707 00:38:26,080 --> 00:38:27,719 Speaker 1: shut me down real hard with a couple of friends 708 00:38:27,719 --> 00:38:30,640 Speaker 1: of mine is just them dismissing me or be saying 709 00:38:30,640 --> 00:38:34,000 Speaker 1: there uncomfortable or saying that I'm being inappropriate when it's 710 00:38:34,040 --> 00:38:38,160 Speaker 1: my own experience. You don't, please don't be that people. 711 00:38:38,560 --> 00:38:41,359 Speaker 1: Please don't because I'm sorry it makes you feel bad 712 00:38:41,440 --> 00:38:44,279 Speaker 1: because you've never dealt with that, But you need to 713 00:38:44,280 --> 00:38:46,719 Speaker 1: take the time to think what can I do to help, 714 00:38:46,760 --> 00:38:51,640 Speaker 1: and not oh my god, how do I avoid this? Right? Um? 715 00:38:51,719 --> 00:38:54,600 Speaker 1: And one that you've been a good piece of advice 716 00:38:54,640 --> 00:38:56,160 Speaker 1: that you brought up a couple of times is offer 717 00:38:56,280 --> 00:39:00,319 Speaker 1: practical helpful things like getting groceries, food, taking care of air, ends, 718 00:39:00,360 --> 00:39:03,759 Speaker 1: covering something at work. And yeah, don't depend on the 719 00:39:03,760 --> 00:39:06,920 Speaker 1: person to call you because they probably won't offer concrete 720 00:39:06,920 --> 00:39:10,640 Speaker 1: things with times, and make sure to ask. Things become 721 00:39:10,719 --> 00:39:13,800 Speaker 1: very precious in grief. Um. Something might look like trash 722 00:39:14,239 --> 00:39:15,800 Speaker 1: or laundry to be washed, but it might be a 723 00:39:15,840 --> 00:39:19,520 Speaker 1: precious item of the dead or an x UM. Be 724 00:39:19,640 --> 00:39:22,680 Speaker 1: sure to check also for the long haul, your help 725 00:39:22,840 --> 00:39:28,160 Speaker 1: might be even more valuable later. Run interference. Yes, that 726 00:39:28,280 --> 00:39:31,920 Speaker 1: was so nice. When someone is going through something, everyone 727 00:39:31,960 --> 00:39:34,680 Speaker 1: wants to help and it's well intentioned but exhausting, So 728 00:39:34,760 --> 00:39:39,680 Speaker 1: having someone there to be like the gatekeeper is really helpful. Um. Yeah, 729 00:39:39,680 --> 00:39:42,480 Speaker 1: I understand what this can look like, what grief can 730 00:39:42,520 --> 00:39:44,360 Speaker 1: look like, what depression can look like, and then it 731 00:39:44,400 --> 00:39:46,880 Speaker 1: can look different for everybody, and that it does involve 732 00:39:46,920 --> 00:39:50,759 Speaker 1: a lot of extremes. Um. And when you are going 733 00:39:50,800 --> 00:39:53,279 Speaker 1: through something that's situational something A lot of things I 734 00:39:53,360 --> 00:39:55,440 Speaker 1: read said to watch out for signs of depression. In 735 00:39:55,440 --> 00:39:58,680 Speaker 1: the long term, they don't go away. I also learned 736 00:39:58,680 --> 00:40:02,280 Speaker 1: that apparently recovery day eighteen twenty four months on average. 737 00:40:02,280 --> 00:40:06,479 Speaker 1: What I swear this was Samantha's suggestion. And I feel 738 00:40:06,480 --> 00:40:09,080 Speaker 1: like it's very selfish because I'm like, an, he needs 739 00:40:09,160 --> 00:40:11,960 Speaker 1: all of this health right now, please check check in 740 00:40:12,040 --> 00:40:14,880 Speaker 1: on her. But it was your idea. It was this 741 00:40:14,960 --> 00:40:19,759 Speaker 1: is my idea. UM. And take care of yourself too, Yeah, 742 00:40:19,800 --> 00:40:24,799 Speaker 1: don't lose sight of your own your own needs. UM. 743 00:40:24,840 --> 00:40:27,759 Speaker 1: Not doing so you can't be there for other people 744 00:40:27,760 --> 00:40:31,279 Speaker 1: in your life. Um, and there's I found this really 745 00:40:31,280 --> 00:40:35,360 Speaker 1: cool thing called the Ring Theory about the circles of 746 00:40:35,360 --> 00:40:38,920 Speaker 1: comfort from Susan Silkinberry Goldman. It was article from the 747 00:40:39,000 --> 00:40:44,480 Speaker 1: l A Times, but it just shows how like you 748 00:40:44,520 --> 00:40:48,680 Speaker 1: need to even if somebody is going through something terrible 749 00:40:49,200 --> 00:40:50,960 Speaker 1: and you can, you've got to take care of them. 750 00:40:51,000 --> 00:40:53,680 Speaker 1: But then you've got to find something else to take 751 00:40:53,719 --> 00:40:56,040 Speaker 1: care of you. And I think I'm going to come 752 00:40:56,080 --> 00:40:58,920 Speaker 1: back with as we're talking about people who are struggling 753 00:40:58,920 --> 00:41:02,399 Speaker 1: through depression and just any level of depression, whether it's 754 00:41:02,400 --> 00:41:06,120 Speaker 1: situational worship, whether it's atypical, whether it's postpartum, whether it's 755 00:41:06,320 --> 00:41:09,239 Speaker 1: um major depressive disorder. As I said, I think you 756 00:41:09,360 --> 00:41:12,680 Speaker 1: have to be able to recognize other people need you, 757 00:41:13,120 --> 00:41:16,560 Speaker 1: and sometimes those are the strongest, they're the ones that 758 00:41:16,560 --> 00:41:18,799 Speaker 1: needs you the most. And I think that's kind of 759 00:41:19,800 --> 00:41:22,080 Speaker 1: been one of those selfish things for me as well, 760 00:41:22,160 --> 00:41:24,880 Speaker 1: because I do this as a living a social worker 761 00:41:25,040 --> 00:41:30,840 Speaker 1: and um, my coworker. She is the strength of her family. 762 00:41:31,160 --> 00:41:33,080 Speaker 1: I am. I'm in awe of all the things she 763 00:41:33,160 --> 00:41:36,239 Speaker 1: does and and she needs to be checked up on 764 00:41:36,719 --> 00:41:41,680 Speaker 1: and I know for her if she listens to this UM, 765 00:41:41,760 --> 00:41:45,040 Speaker 1: she is willing to take the help, but doesn't ask 766 00:41:45,080 --> 00:41:47,399 Speaker 1: for it. She tries to distance herself. But it's hard 767 00:41:47,400 --> 00:41:50,040 Speaker 1: when it's maybe family, or when maybe it's just your 768 00:41:50,239 --> 00:41:52,319 Speaker 1: job and you have to deal with it. If you're 769 00:41:52,400 --> 00:41:56,480 Speaker 1: struggling with emotion or lack of relationship, or because of 770 00:41:56,480 --> 00:41:58,919 Speaker 1: a relationship, these are so many things. Those who seem 771 00:41:58,960 --> 00:42:01,200 Speaker 1: to be the strongest that do all these things, make 772 00:42:01,239 --> 00:42:03,960 Speaker 1: sure you're checking in on them, because there's also the 773 00:42:04,040 --> 00:42:06,200 Speaker 1: same people who need that help, and sometimes you never 774 00:42:06,280 --> 00:42:09,000 Speaker 1: know what's happening with our lives. They may be the loud, 775 00:42:09,400 --> 00:42:12,680 Speaker 1: genuinely kind, you know, bubbly people, but there's so many 776 00:42:12,680 --> 00:42:14,880 Speaker 1: things that they're struggling with that you don't see. The 777 00:42:14,960 --> 00:42:19,200 Speaker 1: same thing with anybody you know actually has depression and 778 00:42:19,239 --> 00:42:21,360 Speaker 1: you just don't see them for a while. Check in, 779 00:42:21,840 --> 00:42:24,399 Speaker 1: please check in UM for those of you who are 780 00:42:24,440 --> 00:42:27,400 Speaker 1: struggling and you see the signs for yourself. You know 781 00:42:27,480 --> 00:42:31,160 Speaker 1: your body, that's the good news. Listen to your body. 782 00:42:31,320 --> 00:42:33,520 Speaker 1: Listen to your body when you know that you need 783 00:42:33,560 --> 00:42:36,040 Speaker 1: some help. Listen to your body when you know that 784 00:42:36,080 --> 00:42:38,799 Speaker 1: there's something not quite right and we're not talking once again, 785 00:42:38,840 --> 00:42:42,520 Speaker 1: not necessarily about situational things, but just things that are 786 00:42:42,520 --> 00:42:46,640 Speaker 1: happening internally that you don't realize is happening. Um Again, 787 00:42:46,719 --> 00:42:50,759 Speaker 1: we're talking about what's happening today with all of the 788 00:42:50,880 --> 00:42:53,320 Speaker 1: sad videos and all of the things that are happening 789 00:42:53,320 --> 00:42:55,359 Speaker 1: around our country, all of the things that we're having 790 00:42:55,360 --> 00:42:59,000 Speaker 1: to continue to fight about. Recognize that you may be 791 00:42:59,080 --> 00:43:01,560 Speaker 1: taking on more than you know, especially those who have 792 00:43:01,640 --> 00:43:04,279 Speaker 1: higher levels of empathy. You're taking on a lot more 793 00:43:04,280 --> 00:43:06,880 Speaker 1: than you know. Those who have high levels of anxiety, 794 00:43:07,000 --> 00:43:10,800 Speaker 1: and jobs such as nonprofit jobs that go and work 795 00:43:11,160 --> 00:43:14,640 Speaker 1: in a really high stress area. UM. Some of law 796 00:43:14,680 --> 00:43:18,280 Speaker 1: enforcements as well as emergency responders, all of those people 797 00:43:18,400 --> 00:43:21,600 Speaker 1: they really need to be checked up on as well. 798 00:43:21,760 --> 00:43:24,680 Speaker 1: We talked about nine one one operators. That's someone that 799 00:43:24,760 --> 00:43:27,080 Speaker 1: doesn't get talked to a lot. You're talking about teachers 800 00:43:27,120 --> 00:43:29,520 Speaker 1: who are coming in that you may not understand what's 801 00:43:29,560 --> 00:43:32,279 Speaker 1: happening in their lives right now, but be aware, be 802 00:43:32,400 --> 00:43:34,800 Speaker 1: aware of what's around you as well as again, listen 803 00:43:34,840 --> 00:43:37,479 Speaker 1: to your own body. This is a really rough time. 804 00:43:39,160 --> 00:43:42,600 Speaker 1: We're upbeat on the show. We are, but the good 805 00:43:42,600 --> 00:43:44,680 Speaker 1: news is on top of that that it is being 806 00:43:44,680 --> 00:43:47,279 Speaker 1: more accepted. There are things out there that you can 807 00:43:47,320 --> 00:43:50,680 Speaker 1: do UM just going and beyond you know, just therapy, 808 00:43:50,760 --> 00:43:54,000 Speaker 1: which is costly and very privileged UM abilities. There's a 809 00:43:54,000 --> 00:43:56,480 Speaker 1: lot of organizations out there we talked about previously that 810 00:43:57,080 --> 00:44:00,680 Speaker 1: help funding fund for therapy as well as there's organizations 811 00:44:00,719 --> 00:44:03,440 Speaker 1: that work with young children who have lost family members 812 00:44:03,560 --> 00:44:07,600 Speaker 1: or parents. You have organizations that work with that's with 813 00:44:07,680 --> 00:44:11,320 Speaker 1: the doggies, service dogs. Oh my goodness, y'all service animals. 814 00:44:11,800 --> 00:44:13,800 Speaker 1: That's with doggies. But I just saw a video about this. 815 00:44:13,920 --> 00:44:16,440 Speaker 1: It was fantastic. UM. But all these things and there 816 00:44:16,440 --> 00:44:19,239 Speaker 1: are resources out there. Get your good turn off your 817 00:44:19,280 --> 00:44:22,440 Speaker 1: brain movies, find those find those times with your good 818 00:44:22,480 --> 00:44:25,200 Speaker 1: friends when you're sitting and doing nothing inventing about whatever. 819 00:44:25,239 --> 00:44:27,600 Speaker 1: You need to find the times to be with your 820 00:44:27,640 --> 00:44:30,200 Speaker 1: family that if you have a good relationship, just get 821 00:44:30,200 --> 00:44:35,520 Speaker 1: a good hug. It's nice to have a nice hug. 822 00:44:34,600 --> 00:44:38,160 Speaker 1: I have some really good friends that are really good huggers, 823 00:44:38,200 --> 00:44:40,279 Speaker 1: like I will personally like seek the belt, like I 824 00:44:40,320 --> 00:44:42,080 Speaker 1: need a hug right now. And that's just a few 825 00:44:42,080 --> 00:44:44,759 Speaker 1: people who just I think, squitch you really well. But 826 00:44:44,960 --> 00:44:47,960 Speaker 1: just stuff like that. There are things accessible and just 827 00:44:48,040 --> 00:44:51,320 Speaker 1: being kind and to yourself into another. I think that's important. 828 00:44:52,160 --> 00:44:56,640 Speaker 1: I'm done now be kind kind Um. Yeah. I think 829 00:44:56,719 --> 00:44:59,640 Speaker 1: this brings us to the end of our episode on 830 00:44:59,719 --> 00:45:03,360 Speaker 1: Men's Little Positivity. Uh yeah. For anyone out there who's 831 00:45:03,400 --> 00:45:06,840 Speaker 1: listening and this is something that resonates with them, I 832 00:45:07,000 --> 00:45:09,800 Speaker 1: just know that you are not alone. You're not alone, Nope, 833 00:45:09,880 --> 00:45:12,719 Speaker 1: and you are loved. You are um and we would 834 00:45:12,760 --> 00:45:15,279 Speaker 1: love to hear from you. Oh yes, we would love 835 00:45:15,320 --> 00:45:18,520 Speaker 1: to be loved. Yes we would. You can email us 836 00:45:18,840 --> 00:45:21,680 Speaker 1: at Stuff Media, mom Stuff at iHeart media dot com. 837 00:45:21,840 --> 00:45:23,800 Speaker 1: You can find us on Twitter at mom Stuff Podcast 838 00:45:24,000 --> 00:45:27,040 Speaker 1: or on Instagram at stuff I've Never Told You. Thanks 839 00:45:27,040 --> 00:45:31,320 Speaker 1: as always to our superproducer Andrew Howard. Andrew, we love YouTube, 840 00:45:31,760 --> 00:45:34,160 Speaker 1: and thanks to you for listening Stuff I've Never Told You. 841 00:45:34,160 --> 00:45:36,640 Speaker 1: His prediction of Iheartradios how stuff works. For more podcasts 842 00:45:36,640 --> 00:45:39,560 Speaker 1: from iHeartRadio is the ihar radio app, Apple podcast, or 843 00:45:39,560 --> 00:45:41,040 Speaker 1: wherever you listen to your favorite shows.