WEBVTT - Breaking Free From Family Beliefs 0:00:14.996 --> 0:00:15.436 Pushkin. 0:00:30.676 --> 0:00:34.356 If I followed this path that my father had laid 0:00:34.356 --> 0:00:38.716 out for me, I would be a woman who didn't 0:00:38.716 --> 0:00:42.116 follow her own dreams and desires, didn't follow her own passions, 0:00:42.356 --> 0:00:47.356 didn't live for herself, and was relegated to this sort 0:00:47.356 --> 0:00:52.476 of bent and broken place of silence, of only domesticity. 0:00:53.636 --> 0:00:56.676 Sophia Sinclair is a writer and poet who grew up 0:00:56.676 --> 0:00:59.836 in a Rastafari family. Her father was the head of 0:00:59.876 --> 0:01:02.876 the household, and he made Sophia and her siblings follow 0:01:02.916 --> 0:01:07.676 a strict interpretation of Rastafari. But as Sophia grew older, 0:01:07.956 --> 0:01:11.236 living under her father's rules became suffocating. 0:01:11.316 --> 0:01:15.716 And I thought, no, that's not the future that I 0:01:15.796 --> 0:01:18.436 want for myself. And I want to decide for myself 0:01:18.436 --> 0:01:21.956 the woman that I am going to be, and so 0:01:22.156 --> 0:01:26.436 I need to cut this future completely out of me 0:01:26.596 --> 0:01:28.516 and out of my life entirely. 0:01:33.316 --> 0:01:39.876 On today's show, Breaking Free from your family's beliefs, I'm 0:01:39.916 --> 0:01:42.636 Maya Shunker and this is a slight change of plans, 0:01:42.996 --> 0:01:45.276 a show about who we are and who we become 0:01:45.556 --> 0:02:00.316 in the face of a big change. Sophia grew up 0:02:00.316 --> 0:02:03.276 in a small fishing village on the north coast of Jamaica. 0:02:04.156 --> 0:02:07.716 The village belonged to her mom's family, and Sophia's dad 0:02:07.956 --> 0:02:11.196 never quite felt like he along there. He was part 0:02:11.276 --> 0:02:15.636 of a radical sect of Rastafari, a religious and social movement. 0:02:16.596 --> 0:02:19.756 In that sect, the main tenant was to maintain purity, 0:02:20.316 --> 0:02:24.116 to keep your mind and body clean. This meant avoiding 0:02:24.196 --> 0:02:29.636 any influences from Babylon, the world outside of Rastafari, which 0:02:29.716 --> 0:02:34.236 was seen as evil and corrupt. Sophia's dad worried that 0:02:34.356 --> 0:02:37.076 keeping his family in the village would hurt their purity. 0:02:37.796 --> 0:02:40.996 Sophia and her siblings would be exposed to their maternal aunts, 0:02:41.036 --> 0:02:44.716 for example, who did things like eat meat, drink alcohol, 0:02:44.956 --> 0:02:49.036 wear makeup, and go out dancing. And so when Sophia 0:02:49.196 --> 0:02:52.516 was five, her dad moved their family to the countryside. 0:02:53.156 --> 0:02:57.556 We left the seaside, and suddenly the rules were coming 0:02:58.076 --> 0:03:01.636 fast at me, and you know, which involved like growing 0:03:01.716 --> 0:03:04.916 the dreadlocks. And then also when I was nine years old, 0:03:04.956 --> 0:03:08.636 my father said, you can't climb trees anymore, you will 0:03:08.676 --> 0:03:12.356 never ride a bicycle, you cannot wear jeans, you can't 0:03:12.356 --> 0:03:16.516 wear pants, you can't wear shorts. And so that's why 0:03:16.516 --> 0:03:19.196 I began to question everything, because I was like wait, 0:03:19.836 --> 0:03:23.436 I'm not quite sure where these rules are coming from. 0:03:23.556 --> 0:03:26.676 And a lot of them weren't placed on my brother. 0:03:26.756 --> 0:03:29.196 He could still climb the trees and ride his bicycle 0:03:29.236 --> 0:03:32.236 and all of this. And so I did question, and 0:03:32.276 --> 0:03:34.396 the answer was always, don't question me, just do what 0:03:34.476 --> 0:03:34.996 I say. 0:03:36.076 --> 0:03:40.436 You mentioned these extreme restrictions, right, I mean, there were 0:03:40.476 --> 0:03:44.156 so many limitations placed on you. What was your understanding 0:03:44.276 --> 0:03:48.716 of the expectations of a Rastafari woman. What was the 0:03:48.756 --> 0:03:51.716 future that you were forced to envision for yourself within 0:03:51.756 --> 0:03:52.596 these confines. 0:03:53.796 --> 0:03:56.716 Well, for a long time, I didn't have a good 0:03:56.956 --> 0:04:00.756 understanding of what was expected of me. The rest of 0:04:00.836 --> 0:04:08.076 Fari movement itself doesn't have one unifying principle or core tenet. 0:04:08.116 --> 0:04:11.956 There is no kind of biblical equivalent for Rastafari. There's 0:04:11.996 --> 0:04:16.436 no Holy Book, and most Rastafari households, the idea was 0:04:16.516 --> 0:04:21.996 that the Rasta brethren was kind of God had figured 0:04:22.036 --> 0:04:26.596 in the household. Each Rasta brethren really got to interpret 0:04:26.636 --> 0:04:29.316 and create the rules for himself in his own household. 0:04:29.356 --> 0:04:32.676 And that's what my household was like. My father just 0:04:32.716 --> 0:04:36.756 said these are the rules and you must follow them. 0:04:36.956 --> 0:04:40.836 So that kind of set the tone for what growing 0:04:40.916 --> 0:04:46.196 up was like, and so silence was something that was seen, 0:04:46.316 --> 0:04:51.636 especially for women, as something that made you virtuous. And 0:04:51.676 --> 0:04:55.116 then you know, for women, there were also certain rules 0:04:55.156 --> 0:04:59.076 that weren't necessarily given to the men. For example, there 0:04:59.076 --> 0:05:02.516 were rules about the modesty of dress for women. So 0:05:02.556 --> 0:05:05.356 for the women of Rastafari, you know, they had to 0:05:05.396 --> 0:05:08.316 cover their arms and legs, cover their knees. Some women 0:05:08.356 --> 0:05:14.556 covered their hair. And there was a moment where we there, 0:05:14.596 --> 0:05:17.956 it was a gathering of the rass of community and 0:05:19.716 --> 0:05:23.116 I just remember observing, and I was maybe eight years old. 0:05:23.596 --> 0:05:27.876 I remember observing. All the women were inside in the kitchen. 0:05:27.956 --> 0:05:31.636 They had multiple children kind of grabbing onto their you know, arms, legs, 0:05:31.676 --> 0:05:35.396 their hems. They were making the food and they would 0:05:35.436 --> 0:05:37.876 bring the food outside to the men. And the men 0:05:37.956 --> 0:05:41.796 were all sitting outside talking. But the rastafar I call 0:05:41.876 --> 0:05:44.276 it reasoning right, which was like a big part of 0:05:44.316 --> 0:05:46.556 their community in a way that they passed down the 0:05:46.676 --> 0:05:50.996 oral wisdom and tenets of Rastafari, which was asking questions 0:05:51.036 --> 0:05:54.276 about the man's place in the universe. And they talked 0:05:54.276 --> 0:05:58.436 about philosophy and politics and so on, and you know, 0:05:58.476 --> 0:06:03.716 a lot of existential conversations happening. And I remember looking 0:06:03.756 --> 0:06:07.116 at the men or the bredren sitting there and having 0:06:07.156 --> 0:06:10.236 these conversations and reasoning, and ever so often they would 0:06:10.236 --> 0:06:12.316 call the young boys over like, come and listen, Come 0:06:12.316 --> 0:06:15.756 and listen to this wisdom. I remember being so jealous, like, 0:06:15.796 --> 0:06:19.316 why can't I get the wisdom in the reasoning? And 0:06:19.636 --> 0:06:22.236 you know, and then seeing the women were so preoccupied 0:06:22.316 --> 0:06:24.356 with making the food and bringing the food to the 0:06:24.396 --> 0:06:28.116 men that they didn't have a chance to have existential, 0:06:29.236 --> 0:06:31.436 you know, conversations with each other. 0:06:32.836 --> 0:06:35.596 You're like, I'm smart, I'm capable. What's going on? 0:06:36.036 --> 0:06:39.116 Yeah? And I remember that being one of the first 0:06:39.156 --> 0:06:43.956 times that I thought, Wait, is this the future that 0:06:45.436 --> 0:06:47.156 my father is laying out for me? 0:06:48.356 --> 0:06:48.556 You know? 0:06:48.836 --> 0:06:52.276 Is this if I continue down this path, is this 0:06:52.356 --> 0:06:56.836 where I'm going to be? You know, a woman relegated 0:06:56.916 --> 0:07:00.276 to this sort of bent and broken place of silence, 0:07:00.516 --> 0:07:09.636 of only domesticity and being beholden to just her husband. Yeah. 0:07:09.676 --> 0:07:12.476 Did you see what you described modeled in you talked 0:07:12.516 --> 0:07:14.756 about being beholden to a man? Right? Did you see 0:07:14.796 --> 0:07:18.036 that modeled between your parents and the way that they 0:07:18.036 --> 0:07:20.116 interacted with each other, Like the way that your mom 0:07:20.196 --> 0:07:22.196 was expected to serve your father. 0:07:23.836 --> 0:07:26.356 So when I was younger, when I was a teenager, 0:07:27.076 --> 0:07:29.596 this is how it appeared to me. You know that 0:07:29.676 --> 0:07:32.956 my mother, she did all the domestic things, she cooked 0:07:32.956 --> 0:07:37.036 for everyone, and she I mean, she was just a 0:07:37.236 --> 0:07:43.196 natural nurturing person, gentle, patient, and to her she saw 0:07:43.236 --> 0:07:46.956 it as an honor to be our mom and to 0:07:47.956 --> 0:07:53.276 educate us and expand our imaginations. But in her interactions 0:07:53.396 --> 0:07:56.316 with my father, I often, when I was younger, found 0:07:56.956 --> 0:08:01.796 her voice to be silent. It appeared to me that 0:08:01.836 --> 0:08:04.356 she kind of just deferred, maybe to keep the peace. 0:08:05.116 --> 0:08:07.356 She was, you know, a kind of person who did 0:08:07.396 --> 0:08:12.076 not like confrontation. My father I think some of the 0:08:12.116 --> 0:08:14.116 time was almost all confrontation. 0:08:14.676 --> 0:08:20.276 Yeah, Rastafaris constituted a very small minority of the population. Right, 0:08:20.356 --> 0:08:24.556 So you were you and your siblings were facing all 0:08:24.596 --> 0:08:27.876 of these restrictions imposed by your father, but you were 0:08:28.276 --> 0:08:32.676 further confronting difference at school because your peers were not 0:08:32.836 --> 0:08:35.356 having to follow the same rules as you. And so 0:08:36.036 --> 0:08:39.076 how did that dynamic play out for young Sophia, Right, 0:08:39.076 --> 0:08:41.636 She's going to school and you know, as little kids, 0:08:41.676 --> 0:08:43.756 we want to fit in, Right, It's like really hard. 0:08:44.756 --> 0:08:51.196 Yeah, we were so ostracized, not just by our peers 0:08:51.236 --> 0:08:54.676 by the children. Would you kind of expect that children 0:08:54.876 --> 0:08:57.916 will sort of tease you if you're different or whatever. 0:08:58.036 --> 0:09:02.516 But my teachers and the adults also treated us unkindly 0:09:02.716 --> 0:09:08.956 because they had this unkind idea of Rastafari in their minds. 0:09:09.676 --> 0:09:12.156 It's something that most people would be surprised to know 0:09:12.756 --> 0:09:17.076 about Rastafari because we I think most people outside of 0:09:17.156 --> 0:09:20.596 Jamaica really think Rasafari define Jamaica. 0:09:20.676 --> 0:09:20.836 Right. 0:09:20.956 --> 0:09:24.916 You would probably imagine that they're the majority of the population, 0:09:25.516 --> 0:09:28.876 but actually they're not. They're one percent or less of 0:09:28.916 --> 0:09:34.316 the population. And historically, after the Rastafari movement began in 0:09:34.396 --> 0:09:38.836 the nineteen thirties, Jamaica was still under British colonial rule 0:09:39.276 --> 0:09:44.196 and the movement began as this sort of anti colonial movement, 0:09:44.876 --> 0:09:49.796 one that sought to harden around black liberation and freedom. 0:09:50.196 --> 0:09:54.316 The Restafari were labeled as a cult by the British 0:09:54.396 --> 0:09:59.636 government and the founder of Rasafari and the big commune 0:09:59.676 --> 0:10:02.916 of where the Rastas lived altogether was burnt to the ground. 0:10:02.996 --> 0:10:06.756 And after that the movement really scattered, and my siblings 0:10:06.756 --> 0:10:10.276 and I were among the first Rasta ChIL children to 0:10:10.436 --> 0:10:14.836 integrate public schools in Jamaica. So Yes, that was a 0:10:14.876 --> 0:10:17.756 lot to kind of take on as a young child. 0:10:18.436 --> 0:10:20.756 We were the only Rasta children at school. We were 0:10:20.756 --> 0:10:23.596 often the only Rasta children on the street, in the 0:10:23.636 --> 0:10:27.636 supermarket wherever we went, so people would point us out 0:10:27.716 --> 0:10:28.716 or point at us. 0:10:28.956 --> 0:10:32.036 Yeah, and you were so easily identified, right because of 0:10:32.116 --> 0:10:34.636 your hair and the clothing restrictions. 0:10:34.716 --> 0:10:38.796 Right, yeah, yeah, so no one else had dreadlocks. We 0:10:38.796 --> 0:10:42.916 were the only ones who had dreadlocks, and which I 0:10:42.956 --> 0:10:45.556 think most people kind of think, oh, it's it's a 0:10:45.596 --> 0:10:48.636 hair style, but for the Rastafari, it's a very big 0:10:48.676 --> 0:10:52.876 part of their belief and their faith. The dreadlocks are 0:10:52.916 --> 0:10:56.556 a sacred marker kind of it's a sign of your 0:10:56.636 --> 0:11:01.196 divinity and your your reverence to Ja, which is the 0:11:01.236 --> 0:11:05.676 godhead figure of Rastafari. And so it tethered me to 0:11:05.796 --> 0:11:12.396 my father's control. That signaled to the Rasta brethren in 0:11:12.876 --> 0:11:15.596 his circle that he had his house on the control. 0:11:16.156 --> 0:11:21.436 It created this kind of difficulty of feeling really alienated. 0:11:22.036 --> 0:11:27.316 H there's this very heartbreaking moment you describe in the 0:11:27.316 --> 0:11:30.876 book where a schoolmate of yours tells you that she 0:11:30.916 --> 0:11:33.276 doesn't want to be friends with you because you're Rastafari. 0:11:34.276 --> 0:11:38.516 Yeah, you know, it was one of these moments in 0:11:38.556 --> 0:11:41.836 my life where things really changed, because as soon as 0:11:41.836 --> 0:11:44.476 we got back to school with our dreadlocks, we were 0:11:44.516 --> 0:11:47.556 being teased, and I remember feeling this is one of 0:11:47.596 --> 0:11:52.476 the first times I felt ashamed to be myself, and 0:11:52.516 --> 0:11:55.316 that was not a good feeling. But I thought I 0:11:55.396 --> 0:11:58.476 had a friend. And my father would always tell us, 0:11:58.516 --> 0:12:01.356 you know, don't keep friend and company, don't have friends 0:12:01.436 --> 0:12:06.596 because outside influences are dangerous and people only want to 0:12:06.636 --> 0:12:10.516 hurt you. But I thought she was my friend, and 0:12:10.756 --> 0:12:13.356 one day she did send someone to give me this 0:12:13.516 --> 0:12:15.556 note that said I don't want to be friends with you. 0:12:15.596 --> 0:12:19.476 I don't want to be friends with Arasta, And yeah, 0:12:19.516 --> 0:12:22.356 this was one of the most painful moments in my 0:12:22.436 --> 0:12:28.956 young life, and I tried to harm myself. I stepped 0:12:28.996 --> 0:12:32.316 on a rusty nail. I was ten years old. You know, 0:12:32.476 --> 0:12:35.556 all of this pain, I didn't know where it should go. 0:12:36.676 --> 0:12:41.636 And I was feeling all this pain, all this alienation, isolation, 0:12:42.916 --> 0:12:46.036 and I was at home recovering from what I'd done. 0:12:46.156 --> 0:12:49.676 I told everybody it was an accident, and somehow my 0:12:49.756 --> 0:12:52.356 mother knew it wasn't an accident, and she kind of 0:12:52.676 --> 0:12:54.756 she came to my bed and she sat down and 0:12:54.836 --> 0:12:59.836 she gave me this really beautiful talk about how she 0:13:00.076 --> 0:13:04.796 also felt alienated when she was growing up and it 0:13:04.836 --> 0:13:10.196 was poetry that always made her life feel better. And 0:13:10.236 --> 0:13:14.036 then she gave me my first collection of poems and 0:13:14.076 --> 0:13:17.036 she said, you know, poetry has always helped me, and 0:13:17.076 --> 0:13:20.596 I think it will help you too. Wow. 0:13:21.356 --> 0:13:26.036 And she was right, you know she And this is 0:13:26.076 --> 0:13:29.396 the moment I think my life changed. I know it 0:13:29.516 --> 0:13:33.716 changed because as she left me with this book of 0:13:33.716 --> 0:13:36.316 poems and I read the poems in there, and I. 0:13:36.276 --> 0:13:40.356 Could feel viscerally all the hurt and pain I had 0:13:40.396 --> 0:13:46.756 been feeling because of what happened at school, slowly leaving 0:13:46.836 --> 0:13:53.476 me slowly really evaporating and changing from hurt and pain 0:13:53.756 --> 0:14:00.876 into something else, something beautiful. And I knew then that 0:14:00.876 --> 0:14:03.276 that was the power of poetry. And I thought, if 0:14:03.316 --> 0:14:06.956 I can just keep this feeling, this feeling of wonder 0:14:06.996 --> 0:14:10.276 that really burnt away all of the pain, I would 0:14:10.276 --> 0:14:11.556 always be Okay. 0:14:11.636 --> 0:14:18.596 Yeah, do you remember particular line of poetry that you 0:14:18.676 --> 0:14:21.516 remember speaking to you or yeah. 0:14:21.556 --> 0:14:24.316 She gave me this book. It was called Poems from 0:14:24.396 --> 0:14:28.676 a Child's World, and she told me that William Blake, 0:14:28.756 --> 0:14:31.596 the poem The Tiger was one of her favorites, and 0:14:31.636 --> 0:14:34.916 then I just remember reading that and being awe struck 0:14:35.836 --> 0:14:40.396 and how the words sort of came alive as connected 0:14:40.476 --> 0:14:43.716 to feeling, and how I felt that the imagery was 0:14:43.756 --> 0:14:46.436 also a vessel for meaning and it felt like another 0:14:46.556 --> 0:14:50.716 world opening, a way of understanding the world. That it 0:14:50.836 --> 0:14:53.316 sort of touched something in me that was just waiting 0:14:53.356 --> 0:14:57.396 to be touched, the poet's soul. And then I wrote 0:14:57.436 --> 0:15:01.116 my first poem that was an imitation of the Tiger, 0:15:01.196 --> 0:15:02.116 called the Butterfly. 0:15:03.876 --> 0:15:04.396 But its. 0:15:05.796 --> 0:15:10.116 Yeah, I know, ascute little poem, but you know, it 0:15:10.156 --> 0:15:15.316 was the first time I realized that there was another 0:15:15.436 --> 0:15:19.476 world there waiting for me to touch it. 0:15:20.156 --> 0:15:24.556 Yeah, and it's another world in which you could exercise 0:15:24.676 --> 0:15:29.036 your personal agency again, right in which you were unencumbered 0:15:29.116 --> 0:15:32.436 and just by having a pen and paper, you were 0:15:32.516 --> 0:15:35.956 fully empowered to express yourself. I mean, I can't imagine 0:15:36.156 --> 0:15:39.996 how intoxicating that would feel, given all of the restrictions 0:15:40.036 --> 0:15:41.516 you had faced up until this point. 0:15:42.276 --> 0:15:47.396 Exactly. Yes, I mean, poetry offered me the space to 0:15:48.596 --> 0:15:53.196 nurture my sense of selfhood, to really hone my voice 0:15:53.556 --> 0:15:56.756 at a time where I felt that silence was what 0:15:56.916 --> 0:16:00.916 was being required of me, and poetry, yes, became this 0:16:01.156 --> 0:16:06.436 space where I could really evolve myself and my thoughts 0:16:06.436 --> 0:16:07.356 and my imagination. 0:16:08.676 --> 0:16:13.476 You start reading poetry, you're writing, You're having these magical 0:16:13.556 --> 0:16:16.876 experiences with it. Right you called yourself awestruck. Did you 0:16:16.876 --> 0:16:20.236 feel that it was puncturing holes maybe in your belief 0:16:20.276 --> 0:16:23.876 system or did it open your eyes to a future 0:16:24.356 --> 0:16:26.716 that it maybe felt inaccessible to you? Prior? 0:16:28.756 --> 0:16:33.476 Poetry for me was something that I felt was crucial 0:16:33.596 --> 0:16:38.196 to my survival. It was something that I needed to 0:16:38.276 --> 0:16:44.596 do in order to survive. But also once my poems 0:16:44.716 --> 0:16:49.116 began to be published, and my first poem was published 0:16:49.116 --> 0:16:52.276 when I was sixteen, this was really the first time 0:16:52.316 --> 0:16:56.116 I felt that not only did I have something to say, 0:16:57.276 --> 0:17:01.076 but that what I had to say matted, And so 0:17:01.316 --> 0:17:05.316 that was a crucial thing that poetry gave to me. Yes, 0:17:05.396 --> 0:17:08.356 there was always this imagination of a future in which 0:17:08.716 --> 0:17:11.796 I could be a poet. You know that this passion 0:17:11.876 --> 0:17:15.716 that I had was something that I could continue to do, 0:17:15.796 --> 0:17:18.796 that it could continue to imbue my world with all 0:17:18.836 --> 0:17:22.196 of this light and wonder. But I think the first 0:17:22.236 --> 0:17:25.436 crucial thing it did was really help me find my 0:17:25.556 --> 0:17:30.236 voice and to believe that what that voice had to 0:17:30.316 --> 0:17:36.756 say was important. So keep speaking. 0:17:37.036 --> 0:17:39.196 We'll be back in a moment. With a slight change 0:17:39.196 --> 0:17:56.076 of plans, at age sixteen, Sophia asked her mom to 0:17:56.116 --> 0:17:59.836 mail three of her poems to the Jamaica Observer, and 0:17:59.956 --> 0:18:03.596 soon after the paper published her first poem in print. 0:18:04.636 --> 0:18:07.556 As she continued to write, Sophia began to see that 0:18:07.596 --> 0:18:10.396 the future her dad had laid out for her, the 0:18:10.436 --> 0:18:13.716 one in which he avoided the influence of Babylon, was 0:18:13.756 --> 0:18:17.636 not going to be satisfying, and so, at age nineteen, 0:18:17.916 --> 0:18:20.556 she contemplated a bold decision. 0:18:21.236 --> 0:18:25.956 Practically my whole life, my whole you know, adolescence. I 0:18:26.076 --> 0:18:28.756 kept asking like, can I cut my dreadlocks? And the 0:18:28.796 --> 0:18:32.676 answer was always no, absolutely not. And then, you know, 0:18:32.796 --> 0:18:35.076 I just began to feel the older I got that 0:18:35.636 --> 0:18:38.836 tied to this vision of the woman, this future woman 0:18:38.916 --> 0:18:41.596 that I would become if I continued down this path 0:18:42.276 --> 0:18:45.796 that my father had me on. I really began to 0:18:45.916 --> 0:18:51.196 see the dreadlocks as the thing that connected me to 0:18:51.356 --> 0:18:55.436 my father and his beliefs and his control over my body, 0:18:55.516 --> 0:19:00.436 over my voice, and over my future. And I thought, 0:19:01.276 --> 0:19:04.316 this doesn't feel like who I am and that is 0:19:04.396 --> 0:19:07.476 not the future that I want. And I said to 0:19:07.516 --> 0:19:11.276 my mother, you know, Mom, I just don't feel like 0:19:11.476 --> 0:19:14.756 I can go on like this. I don't feel like myself. 0:19:15.596 --> 0:19:17.836 This is not who I am, and I want to 0:19:17.916 --> 0:19:22.636 choose for myself who I want to be. And she said, okay, 0:19:23.116 --> 0:19:28.156 well tell me how I can help you. Wow. And yeah. 0:19:28.436 --> 0:19:32.396 Then she she helped me do it. And you know, 0:19:32.476 --> 0:19:35.716 I said, Mom, aren't you like or maybe it was 0:19:35.756 --> 0:19:39.516 her friend one of us asked like, you know, isn't 0:19:39.916 --> 0:19:42.836 my dad gonna be furious? And she said that's okay, 0:19:43.036 --> 0:19:47.036 Like I'll take his anger. I just want you to 0:19:47.156 --> 0:19:50.196 choose for yourself the person you want to be. 0:19:51.476 --> 0:19:51.876 Wow. 0:19:52.316 --> 0:19:54.676 Yeah. And so you know, that was another moment of 0:19:54.716 --> 0:19:59.676 my life that my mother really paved the path for 0:19:59.796 --> 0:20:03.956 me to live as freely as I wanted to. 0:20:05.796 --> 0:20:07.996 Do. You remember, Sophia, what it was like to see 0:20:07.996 --> 0:20:10.556 that first law fall to the ground. 0:20:11.876 --> 0:20:15.876 I mean, it was incredibly moving in a way that 0:20:16.076 --> 0:20:21.716 surprised me right, feeling this kind of peculiar remorse because 0:20:21.756 --> 0:20:26.116 I had railed for so long wanting to cut my 0:20:26.236 --> 0:20:29.116 dreadlocks that I hadn't expected it to matto when the 0:20:29.156 --> 0:20:32.756 moment came, but then it matted a great deal. I 0:20:32.916 --> 0:20:36.076 felt like, oh my gosh, I'm losing this part of 0:20:36.116 --> 0:20:39.516 myself that had been all of because you know that 0:20:39.556 --> 0:20:43.076 your hair carries like energy and spirits, you know, everything, 0:20:43.836 --> 0:20:46.876 and it just felt like, Wow, I was losing all 0:20:46.916 --> 0:20:50.716 of this, all the past, all of the moments I'd lived, 0:20:50.796 --> 0:20:54.316 and who would I be without these dreadlocks. There was 0:20:54.356 --> 0:20:57.036 this question like am I losing some of my power? 0:20:57.076 --> 0:20:59.036 Which is what my father always told me, that our 0:20:59.116 --> 0:21:01.916 dreadlocks were our power, like your hair is your power, 0:21:02.316 --> 0:21:08.916 your crown. Finally I felt free. I felt yeah, that 0:21:08.956 --> 0:21:10.956 the tell us had been cut from me, that I 0:21:11.076 --> 0:21:16.676 was new again, that I was someone unburdened and someone 0:21:16.676 --> 0:21:18.476 who could choose what happened next. 0:21:19.076 --> 0:21:24.436 Wow. What was your father's reaction when he first saw you? 0:21:26.276 --> 0:21:36.236 Girl? Anger? Fury? You know, like this was absolutely a 0:21:36.676 --> 0:21:41.276 like an disaster. It was like a fracturing in our family. 0:21:41.476 --> 0:21:46.036 It was he didn't talk to me for a while, 0:21:47.356 --> 0:21:49.516 even though we were in the same house. I think he, 0:21:51.716 --> 0:21:53.916 you know, he looked at me with like disgust. I 0:21:53.956 --> 0:21:58.236 would say, So it was hard. It was very hard. Yeah, 0:21:59.516 --> 0:22:02.836 It's a defining moment in my life. And a defining 0:22:02.876 --> 0:22:07.116 moment in my family's life doing that, because we knew, 0:22:07.236 --> 0:22:09.716 we all knew, me and my sisters that this was 0:22:09.836 --> 0:22:15.116 the one thing that would change everything, because even if 0:22:15.156 --> 0:22:18.396 we were questioning things or we were making our own 0:22:18.436 --> 0:22:21.836 little rebellions at home, once we went out in the 0:22:21.836 --> 0:22:25.116 world with our dreadlocks, it was still assigned to the 0:22:25.156 --> 0:22:29.276 community and my father's rasta redreend that his house was 0:22:29.276 --> 0:22:33.316 still under control. But once I cut my dreadlocks, my 0:22:33.396 --> 0:22:36.556 middle sister cut her dreadlocks, then my youngest sister cut 0:22:36.556 --> 0:22:39.356 her dreadlocks, and then my mother, who had been growing 0:22:39.356 --> 0:22:42.716 her dreadlocks since she was nineteen years old when she 0:22:42.796 --> 0:22:49.196 first met my father, And so the entire family changed. 0:22:49.596 --> 0:22:52.516 And of course my relationship with my father only worsened 0:22:52.596 --> 0:22:56.076 because he saw me as the sort of ruin us seed, 0:22:56.356 --> 0:23:00.636 the black sheep that really destroyed his perfect rast of family. 0:23:02.596 --> 0:23:05.396 On the cusp of your twentieth birthday, you decided to 0:23:05.396 --> 0:23:09.716 get your hair straightened at a hair salon, right surrounded 0:23:09.756 --> 0:23:15.036 by worldly Babylonian women that your father would have considered unclean, 0:23:15.396 --> 0:23:17.876 and that would take you right. Tell me about that 0:23:17.916 --> 0:23:20.836 first experience being in the hair salon with all these 0:23:20.836 --> 0:23:21.596 other black women. 0:23:23.716 --> 0:23:24.036 You know. 0:23:26.276 --> 0:23:30.996 Yeah, it was like stepping into this world that I 0:23:31.076 --> 0:23:33.796 had no idea about. I'd never been in a salon 0:23:33.876 --> 0:23:37.556 my entire life. My hair had never been cut since 0:23:37.596 --> 0:23:41.396 I was born until that day when I cut my dreadlocks. 0:23:41.796 --> 0:23:46.716 Like no scissors had ever touched my hair. So it 0:23:46.956 --> 0:23:49.596 was like stepping into this curious world. And part of 0:23:49.636 --> 0:23:53.556 me was like, oh, this is like a feminine space. 0:23:53.596 --> 0:23:56.756 This is like a space for women, And I'd never 0:23:56.876 --> 0:23:59.636 been in a space like that before, where it was 0:24:00.716 --> 0:24:04.036 not women living for the needs of men. It was 0:24:04.076 --> 0:24:07.276 just women who were gathering for themselves, right for their 0:24:07.276 --> 0:24:11.876 own desires. It was like there were so many things happening, 0:24:11.916 --> 0:24:14.716 but that was the thing that I took away the most, 0:24:14.756 --> 0:24:18.636 that there was something to me kind of sacred about 0:24:18.676 --> 0:24:21.396 the space of the salon and the black women of 0:24:21.436 --> 0:24:24.636 black women putting her hands in your hair. And even 0:24:24.676 --> 0:24:27.396 though I was told this was like the pits of Babylon, 0:24:29.196 --> 0:24:33.596 I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know how 0:24:33.636 --> 0:24:35.396 they would see me or treat me. But they just 0:24:35.476 --> 0:24:40.716 welcomed me, and they welcomed me and treated me tenderly, 0:24:41.756 --> 0:24:44.596 and you know, I thought there was something beautiful about that, 0:24:44.756 --> 0:24:45.436 and I still do. 0:24:47.076 --> 0:24:50.636 It's been, you know, twenty years since you took that 0:24:50.756 --> 0:24:54.276 leap that you cut your locks. What is your relationship 0:24:54.876 --> 0:24:56.996 like with your family today? So do you mind starting 0:24:56.996 --> 0:24:57.636 with your father? 0:25:00.076 --> 0:25:03.316 Yeah, we have a good relationship. I think it was 0:25:04.516 --> 0:25:11.796 a hard road, difficult road, but I think eventually, and 0:25:11.836 --> 0:25:14.996 I think partially through my writing and my poetry, that 0:25:15.716 --> 0:25:20.076 I was able to speak to him in a way 0:25:20.076 --> 0:25:22.196 that he could hear me, that he could really see 0:25:22.236 --> 0:25:24.716 me as my own person. 0:25:25.476 --> 0:25:29.356 Yeah. Do you feel you have a different appreciation of 0:25:29.396 --> 0:25:31.836 your father and why he had the beliefs he had 0:25:31.916 --> 0:25:33.316 or why he was the way he was. 0:25:36.116 --> 0:25:38.316 Well, I don't know if appreciation is the right word. 0:25:38.916 --> 0:25:40.196 I think understanding. 0:25:40.236 --> 0:25:45.076 Maybe understanding is better because I think, you know, he 0:25:45.156 --> 0:25:46.836 did a lot of things wrong, and he did a 0:25:46.916 --> 0:25:50.876 lot of things that I wish hadn't happened to me. 0:25:51.836 --> 0:25:55.716 But I wanted to understand him in a different way 0:25:55.796 --> 0:25:58.676 and in all of his fullness, with as much nuance 0:25:58.756 --> 0:26:02.956 as I could, and not all one way, not all 0:26:02.996 --> 0:26:05.996 bad or not all good, you know. So I really 0:26:06.716 --> 0:26:09.036 part of that was going back to his own youth 0:26:09.356 --> 0:26:14.236 and trying to figure out what led him to Rastafari, 0:26:14.276 --> 0:26:17.996 how did he go on this journey? Because him going 0:26:18.036 --> 0:26:20.876 on that journey really shaped my own life and my 0:26:20.916 --> 0:26:26.156 own connection to Rastafari. And so I recorded several interviews 0:26:26.196 --> 0:26:30.356 with him, asking him about his life, which was something 0:26:30.396 --> 0:26:33.036 I'd never done. I mean, I wasn't allowed to, I 0:26:33.076 --> 0:26:35.756 think when I was younger, because it was always like, 0:26:35.876 --> 0:26:39.076 these are the rules, don't question them. So he never 0:26:39.156 --> 0:26:44.676 really humanized himself to us. And there were moments where 0:26:45.556 --> 0:26:48.356