Speaker 1: You all know that feeling after a breakup, where you're
Speaker 1: sitting in confusion, hurt, and heartbreak, and all you want
Speaker 1: is some sort of explanation that helps the pain make sense.
Speaker 1: You replay conversations, reread all texts, stalk their social media,
Speaker 1: and drive yourself crazy searching for the perfect answer that
Speaker 1: might make the breakup hurt even just a little bit less. Eventually,
Speaker 1: you convince yourself that what you actually need is one
Speaker 1: more conversation with your ex. I know you've done this.
Speaker 1: I think almost everyone has been there at some point,
Speaker 1: because one of the hardest parts of heartbreak is how
Speaker 1: badly the mind wants resolution. When a significant relationship in
Speaker 1: your life ends without the clarity you need, your brain
Speaker 1: can get stuck spiraling over and over trying to understand
Speaker 1: why your heart and your nervous system are so deregulated.
Speaker 1: Wanting a sense of closure is natural, because right now
Speaker 1: you think closure is finally hearing the explanation that makes
Speaker 1: the reason for the breakup click into place. You'd think
Speaker 1: if your ex could just admit they handle things the
Speaker 1: wrong way, you'd finally feel free enough to let go.
Speaker 1: You might even think your ex doesn't realize how badly
Speaker 1: they've hurt you, and you tell yourself, if only they
Speaker 1: could know, things would be different. But the reality is
Speaker 1: real closure does not come from another person, and the
Speaker 1: journey to true, genuine closure begins the moment you stop
Speaker 1: expecting the person who hurt you to be the one
Speaker 1: who heals you. I've coached a lot of people through
Speaker 1: breakups and closure conversations, and one of the ways that
Speaker 1: it's not been helpful is we think more information leads
Speaker 1: to more healing, But more often than not, more information
Speaker 1: leads to more questions. So when you go through a breakup,
Speaker 1: you think, if I had all the answers, I'd be satisfied.
Speaker 1: Whereas what happens when you get the answers is you
Speaker 1: just have loads more questions. Your brain needs to fix
Speaker 1: the loop, it needs to end the cycle. But the
Speaker 1: problem is more information just perpetuates more questions. Here's the thing.
Speaker 1: Heartbreak already creates enough emotional turmoil as it is, and
Speaker 1: I know that coupling that with uncertainty about why you've
Speaker 1: been left heartbroken can feel almost unbearable. In fact, brain
Speaker 1: imaging studies have found that romantic rejection actually activates many
Speaker 1: of the same neural pathways associated with physical pain, craving,
Speaker 1: and addiction withdrawal. That's part of why heartbreak can feel
Speaker 1: so obsessive. Your mind keeps trying to return to the
Speaker 1: source of the attachment, looking for relief, even though return
Speaker 1: turning to it is really just making the healing time slower.
Speaker 1: They've actually talked about how heartbreak can feel like your
Speaker 1: heart is actually breaking, like you're detoxing from a drug.
Speaker 1: It's a hard cycle to escape. You replay conversations trying
Speaker 1: to figure out what you missed. You reread old texts
Speaker 1: looking for hidden meaning. You stalk social media, ask mutual
Speaker 1: friends for updates, and decide reaching out to them is
Speaker 1: the only way you ever feel better. But instead of
Speaker 1: helping you heal, all of these behaviors are actually just
Speaker 1: keeping you emotionally attached to a relationship that's over. You're
Speaker 1: staying stuck because the thing you want to change isn't changing.
Speaker 1: You don't need further analysis. You need the harder thing, acceptance.
Speaker 1: The trap of a closure conversation is that it makes
Speaker 1: you think closure will come from an external source, when
Speaker 1: really true closure comes from focusing on healing internally. The
Speaker 1: heartbreak actually begins to lessen when you turn the focus
Speaker 1: back toward yourself. The hard part is your brain is
Speaker 1: not going to naturally want to look inward and prioritize
Speaker 1: your own healing right after a breakup. The human brain
Speaker 1: hates unresolved endings. Psychologists who study the need for cognitive
Speaker 1: closure have found that people inherently seek certainty, and we
Speaker 1: struggle when we feel stuck in ambiguity or unanswered questions.
Speaker 1: The brain wants a conclusion it can make sense of
Speaker 1: as a means of releasing constant tension. When something important
Speaker 1: feels unresolved, your mind will keep returning to it over
Speaker 1: and over, trying to reduce that discomfort. That's part of
Speaker 1: why breakups can feel so mentally all consuming, especially when
Speaker 1: an ending feels confusing or incomplete. But what your brain
Speaker 1: doesn't realize is that you may never get the explanation
Speaker 1: that finally feels satisfying enough, which means we can't our
Speaker 1: healing to depend on eventually receiving this form of closure.
Speaker 1: Your ex won't give you what you truly need. Sometimes
Speaker 1: they genuinely do not understand themselves well enough to explain
Speaker 1: their behavior clearly. Sometimes they avoid difficult conversations because they're
Speaker 1: emotionally immature. Sometimes they've already told you the truth, but
Speaker 1: it just hurts too much for you to accept. I
Speaker 1: know that might sound harsh, but it actually should be empowering,
Speaker 1: because the truth is, you hold all the power for
Speaker 1: your own healing. Even if they give you an explanation,
Speaker 1: your deeper emotional wound will remain open because what you're
Speaker 1: really searching for is emotional safety, reassurance, and self worth,
Speaker 1: and those things cannot permanently come from another person. They
Speaker 1: have to come from within you. So where do you start?
Speaker 1: Even though I know it can be incredibly painful, the
Speaker 1: journey to acceptance begins with going no contact with your
Speaker 1: former partner. It's not punishment, it's not manipulation. It's not
Speaker 1: a strategy to make them miss you. It's truly just
Speaker 1: giving yourself the space you need for your nervous system
Speaker 1: to begin to regulate again. And only from there will
Speaker 1: you be able to mentally begin processing the relationship's end.
Speaker 1: And when I say no contact, I don't just mean
Speaker 1: not texting them or calling them. Don't check their social media,
Speaker 1: don't ask their friends how they are, don't try and
Speaker 1: figure out how they're doing at work. I know how
Speaker 1: uncomfortable silence feels after a heartbreak. This person has been
Speaker 1: woven into your daily routine. They're a part of your lifestyle.
Speaker 1: Losing contact with them can genuinely feel destabilizing. Heartbreak suddenly
Speaker 1: shrinks your world. Your routines revolved around one person, your
Speaker 1: thoughts revolved around one person, your nervous system revolved around
Speaker 1: one person. And suddenly, when they're gone, there's this massive
Speaker 1: emptiness where your attention used to go. The foundation of
Speaker 1: your life will temporarily uppend. Research on attachment theory shows
Speaker 1: that close relationships become deeply integrated into our emotional regulation systems,
Speaker 1: which means losing that connection can disrupt everything about your
Speaker 1: sense of emotional stability. That's why healing requires rebuilding structure. Internity.
Speaker 1: Wake up at the same time every day and do
Speaker 1: something that makes you feel good, move your body, make
Speaker 1: your favorite coffee, check in with friends. This is the
Speaker 1: time to pour into yourself with the energy your ex
Speaker 1: was taking, because even though it's hard, what that separation
Speaker 1: and silence eventually does is forced to sit with yourself again.
Speaker 1: You start confronting the deeper questions underneath the grief, and
Speaker 1: that's where closure can actually begin. Ask yourself, where did
Speaker 1: I lose myself in this relationship? What toxic patterns was
Speaker 1: I repeating? What about this relationship was actually never working?
Speaker 1: What emotional baggage did it expose in me that existed
Speaker 1: long before this person entered my life. It's uncomfortable, it's hard,
Speaker 1: but this is the work that actually changes you for
Speaker 1: the better. Instead of wondering what are they thinking about me?
Speaker 1: You need to start asking what did this relationship reveal
Speaker 1: about me? Where did you abandon your own needs? Where
Speaker 1: did you depend on another person for validation, reassurance, or
Speaker 1: emotional stability? What fears where you operating from. One of
Speaker 1: the most useful things you can do after a breakup
Speaker 1: is write down every moment in the relationship where you
Speaker 1: felt emotionally dismissed, anxious, unheard, or disconnected. Heartbreak has a
Speaker 1: way of romanticizing people. Once they're gone, your brain starts
Speaker 1: replaying the highs and forgetting all the moments that were
Speaker 1: hard or even hurtful. Writing things down helps interrupt that
Speaker 1: distortion so you can finally begin seeing things more clearly.
Speaker 1: Look a lot of us unconsciously use the search for
Speaker 1: external closure as a way of avoiding doing this deeper
Speaker 1: self work. Analyzing another person is easier than confronting yourself.
Speaker 1: But the breakups that change you for the better are
Speaker 1: the ones that force you to be more honest with
Speaker 1: where you're at. Acceptance that closure is internal stops you
Speaker 1: from endlessly negotiating with what you should do, what you
Speaker 1: should say, how you should act. Right now, you just
Speaker 1: need to be It's vital that you take this time
Speaker 1: after a relationship ends to give yourself space to process.
Speaker 1: Psychologists studying self compassion have found that people who practice
Speaker 1: being supportive toward oneself when experiencing suffering tend to recover
Speaker 1: more resiliently than people who approach themselves with harsh self criticism.
Speaker 1: This period of pain, heartbreak, and confusion will pass, so
Speaker 1: you need to look out for yourself during it. Stop
Speaker 1: yourself from walling back into toxic patterns, negative behaviors, or
Speaker 1: any coping mechanisms that are just keeping you emotionally stuck.
Speaker 1: Real closure is behavioral, and that's in your control right now.
Speaker 1: You don't actually need the perfect explanation from your ex.
Speaker 1: You need to behave as someone who takes care of
Speaker 1: themselves differently than they did in this partnership, do the
Speaker 1: work now, and you will protect yourself the next time
Speaker 1: life puts you in a similar situation. And I think
Speaker 1: this is an important distinction because people often imagine healing
Speaker 1: as this emotional finish line where they suddenly stop caring, hurting,
Speaker 1: or thinking about the relationship. And all those things are
Speaker 1: true in a sense because eventually this dark, painful period
Speaker 1: will pass. But on a deeper level, you don't know
Speaker 1: you've actually healed until life presents you with a future
Speaker 1: emotional trigger and you no longer react the same way
Speaker 1: you used to look at it this way, relationships are
Speaker 1: cycles of rupture and repair. In healthy relationships, conflict or
Speaker 1: rupture eventually leads back to understanding and reconnection. But when
Speaker 1: relationships end abruptly or painfully, you can get emotionally stranded
Speaker 1: in a place of rupture with no way to get
Speaker 1: back to a phase of connection. People spend years trying
Speaker 1: to emotionally understand the original relationship looking for that repair.
Speaker 1: In a partnership that's gone, the one the other person
Speaker 1: to finally understand them, correctly, validate their growth, acknowledge their
Speaker 1: her or mirror back the emotional progress they've made. But
Speaker 1: The truth is that repair you're seeking won't come from
Speaker 1: a partner that's gone. It will show up when a
Speaker 1: new relationship reflects back the same insecurities, fears, attachment wounds,
Speaker 1: communication patterns, or abandonment triggers, and this time it doesn't
Speaker 1: end in rupture, because this time you've learned to work
Speaker 1: through these cycles in a way that's healthy, consistent, and
Speaker 1: emotionally protects yourself. That's closure. Maybe in your last relationship,
Speaker 1: you ignored red flags because you were afraid of losing
Speaker 1: the person. Closure happens when someone new shows you the
Speaker 1: same morning signs, and this time you walk away early
Speaker 1: instead of negotiating yourself out of your intuition. Maybe your
Speaker 1: old relationship made you anxious because you constantly needed reassurance
Speaker 1: in order to feel secure. Closure happens when you learn
Speaker 1: how to regulate your own emotions instead of making another
Speaker 1: person fully responsible for stabilizing your nervous system. Maybe you
Speaker 1: use to confuse nerves with passion, emotional volatility with chemistry,
Speaker 1: or obsession with love. Closure happens when someone enters your
Speaker 1: life who triggers those butterflies and anxious attachment styles, but
Speaker 1: you now recognize that as inconsistency and not attraction. Researchers
Speaker 1: studying post traumatic growth have found that difficult life experiences
Speaker 1: can often lead to deeper self awareness, stronger relationships, increased
Speaker 1: emotional resilience, and greater clarity around personal values. That doesn't
Speaker 1: mean heartbreak is good or that suffering is something to seek,
Speaker 1: but it does mean pain can become transformative in powerful
Speaker 1: life altering ways. I remember when I lived in New
Speaker 1: York and I was four months away from being broke.
Speaker 1: We had four months for rent and groceries, and I
Speaker 1: was under immense stress and pressure because we had thirty
Speaker 1: days before my visa ran out and I'd have to
Speaker 1: leave the country. I have never dug that deep. One
Speaker 1: of my mentors said to me that when you're in pain,
Speaker 1: you'll realize your potential. That moment is when I look
Speaker 1: back on to realize how much emotional resilience I have
Speaker 1: to remember, how much depth, I have to remember how
Speaker 1: much courage I have because I can't believe I got
Speaker 1: through it. When you reflect on how you move through
Speaker 1: difficult times, you get more energy to move through new challenges. Today,
Speaker 1: we have to look back at moments when we did
Speaker 1: hard things in order to do new, hard things in
Speaker 1: the future. By focusing on yourself and your growth during
Speaker 1: a stressful, painful time, you can save yourself years of
Speaker 1: heartbreak down the road. Real closure is not this cinematic
Speaker 1: moment where your ex finally says exactly what you need
Speaker 1: to hear and you run into their arms and everything
Speaker 1: feels perfect for another fleeting moment. It's months of hard work,
Speaker 1: internal analysis, and getting honest with yourself about the baggage
Speaker 1: you've been carrying in past relationships. What's beautiful is that
Speaker 1: losing someone does not mean losing yourself. It's actually quite
Speaker 1: the opposite. Closure is coming back to yourself. Remember, you've
Speaker 1: got your own back, You can trust yourself, and you're
Speaker 1: capable of changing your own life for the better. Closure
Speaker 1: is about who you become, moving forward in a way
Speaker 1: that aligns with the journey to your highest potential, and
Speaker 1: that's something your ex partner can never give you. Eventually,
Speaker 1: the moment you once thought would heal you, the final text,
Speaker 1: the final conversation, the final answer stops mattering to you
Speaker 1: because your life is no longer emotionally centered around the
Speaker 1: relationship anymore. It's centered around a better version of yourself.
Speaker 1: The number one way to get closure after a breakup
Speaker 1: is to accept that you may never get the apology
Speaker 1: that you deserve. When you keep wishing, wanting, and waiting
Speaker 1: for an apology, it keeps you attached to the relationship.
Speaker 1: The moment you release that desire is the moment you
Speaker 1: are truly free. The second thing is to separate facts
Speaker 1: from interpretations when you think about your memory. Your memory
Speaker 1: has all these ideas and interpretations, and the goal is
Speaker 1: to look at your memory and really think about the fact,
Speaker 1: not just the story, not just the narrative, but the
Speaker 1: actual fact. What happened, What was going on? What's the
Speaker 1: closest thing you can get to the truth? When you
Speaker 1: look at the facts versus just a story and narrative,
Speaker 1: you actually get a sense of what you actually went through.
Speaker 1: As I said before, the brain has this tendency during
Speaker 1: a breakup to romanticize the relationship. You look back at
Speaker 1: a picture and you only see the smiles and the photo,
Speaker 1: but not the mindset or the argument that you had
Speaker 1: just before. You think about all the incredible places you
Speaker 1: went to, but not about how much you didn't like
Speaker 1: planning it together. You think about all the incredible times
Speaker 1: you had but you forget all the arguments to and
Speaker 1: from the event at night, or the birthday party of
Speaker 1: your friend. It's really fascinating how the brain only serves
Speaker 1: you up memories and takes away all the hard ones.
Speaker 1: And that's why it's important that you'd focus on the facts,
Speaker 1: not just the interpretations. This is probably the most important
Speaker 1: advice I can give you on closure. Say the unsaid,
Speaker 1: even if they'll never hear it. A lot of us
Speaker 1: feel that we wish we could have one more conversation
Speaker 1: with that person. We wish they could hear our pain.
Speaker 1: We wish we could tell them how we felt, and
Speaker 1: many of us may never get that chance. But say
Speaker 1: the unsaid. Write a letter, Share what hurt you experienced,
Speaker 1: Share the pain you went through, Share the dreams you had,
Speaker 1: share the grief you're experiencing. Share everything, Write it down,
Speaker 1: leave it on the page. It's so important to get
Speaker 1: out of your head and onto paper, because otherwise your
Speaker 1: mind will just spiral and crash out. And so many
Speaker 1: of us get lost in that overthinking and over evaluation
Speaker 1: and maybe even thinking that we'll run into them one day.
Speaker 1: But you have the ability to get it out on
Speaker 1: the page. You can then burn it, you can throw
Speaker 1: it in the trash, you can even send it to
Speaker 1: them energetically to realize that you've passed it on. It's
Speaker 1: so important to feel that transfer from your energy to theirs,
Speaker 1: from your heart to theirs, from your mind to theirs,
Speaker 1: and to not limit it by physical proximity. You may
Speaker 1: never see this person again, you may never get to
Speaker 1: have this conversation, but that doesn't mean you don't get
Speaker 1: to feel the emotions when you put them onto paper.
Speaker 1: And actually when you do that, that's the process that
Speaker 1: helps you feel and heal. That's why it's important. It's
Speaker 1: not important because we somehow believe, through some fluffy version
Speaker 1: that they're going to feel the impact of this. They won't.
Speaker 1: But what we do know is that you get to
Speaker 1: feel and experience the emotion of saying it to them,
Speaker 1: which for you and your heart and mind is so
Speaker 1: so important. One of the biggest mistakes we make after
Speaker 1: a breakup is that we keep opening up old wounds
Speaker 1: for new evidence. We read our old messages hoping to
Speaker 1: find new answers. We read old cards in order to
Speaker 1: discover new red flags. We look back at pictures and
Speaker 1: our camera role in our WhatsApp thread in order to
Speaker 1: hope that we can find a new narrative. All that
Speaker 1: does is keep you stuck in that relationship, even when
Speaker 1: it no longer exists. It's like being embedded into something
Speaker 1: that is no longer real, but being so immersed in
Speaker 1: it that it feels that's all that's real. The more
Speaker 1: time you spend gathering more information, the more stuck you feel,
Speaker 1: the more lost you are. And with that we also
Speaker 1: imagine different endings, different things. We could have said, what if,
Speaker 1: what if they said that? But if I did this?
Speaker 1: Why didn't we do this? All fair questions, worth asking,
Speaker 1: but important to realize that they don't have impact. They
Speaker 1: don't change the reality, and it's that lack of control
Speaker 1: that affects us so deeply. We want things to go
Speaker 1: a certain way. That's how we all ours humans be included,
Speaker 1: and when things don't go to our plan, we wish
Speaker 1: they would change, and that's pain. Pain is the difference
Speaker 1: between your plan and reality. That is what pain is.
Speaker 1: That is what you're experiencing. And all we have to
Speaker 1: do is realize that it was beautiful, We had a plan.
Speaker 1: It's amazing that you have dreams. There's nothing wrong with that,
Speaker 1: but we have to come back down to reality in
Speaker 1: this situation. There's a famous quote by Steve Marabouli that says,
Speaker 1: when people show you their true colors, don't try to
Speaker 1: repaint them. A lot of us spend a lot of
Speaker 1: our time after a breakup trying to repaint someone another way.
Speaker 1: Thought they could be the potential, they had the incredible
Speaker 1: journey we could have had with them. But they have
Speaker 1: shown us what they want in reality, and that's what
Speaker 1: we have to learn to accept. When you're going through
Speaker 1: a breakup, I want you to allow yourself to have
Speaker 1: contradictory feelings. Often we're trying to find one narrative. They
Speaker 1: were bad, I was good, they wasted my time, I
Speaker 1: was naive. The reality is, some days you're going to think,
Speaker 1: you know what, it was all their fault, and some
Speaker 1: days you think it was all my fault. Some days
Speaker 1: you'll probably think I wish they'd done this, and some
Speaker 1: days you'll probably think I wish I had done that.
Speaker 1: It's okay to hold both truths at once. I think
Speaker 1: that's actually what's going to make closure more possible. Closure
Speaker 1: is impossible when we're just trying to find one answer,
Speaker 1: one lane, but then we keep debating ourselves. Was when
Speaker 1: we accept I miss them, but actually I realized they
Speaker 1: weren't good for me. I loved them, but we weren't
Speaker 1: right for each other. I deeply respect and admire them,
Speaker 1: but they weren't my person. Accepting both truths freeze us
Speaker 1: from this binary prison that has no solution. Ask yourself,
Speaker 1: what did that person create in your life? Was it comfort?
Speaker 1: Was it adventure? Was it regulation? What was it? And
Speaker 1: then go and find the thing that does that for you.
Speaker 1: See what a person did is they played a role
Speaker 1: in your life. And the role they played is what
Speaker 1: you're missing. It may not feel like that right now,
Speaker 1: but that's really what's going on. And I'd like you
Speaker 1: to go and find a place. I'd like you to
Speaker 1: go and find a community. I'd like you to go
Speaker 1: and find a hobby. If that's what it is that
Speaker 1: makes you feel that energy, that makes you realize that
Speaker 1: you can still have adventure in your life, you can
Speaker 1: still have joy in your life, you can still have
Speaker 1: excitement in your life, you can still have support in
Speaker 1: your life. This is really one of those moments that
Speaker 1: you realize who your real friends are when you go
Speaker 1: through a breakup. You realize which friends you ignored and
Speaker 1: which friends stayed because there were some people that you
Speaker 1: stop talking to because you were too busy with your partner,
Speaker 1: and there were some people that stood by your side
Speaker 1: even when they felt neglected. Don't neglect them now, don't
Speaker 1: ignore them now, don't put them off. Reprioritize them. This
Speaker 1: is the best piece of advice I can give you
Speaker 1: after a breakup. Measure progress differently. We think that progress
Speaker 1: after a breakup is that we're over it and we've
Speaker 1: moved on. It might be that you just think about
Speaker 1: it less. It might be that you now see the truth.
Speaker 1: It might be that you don't cry every day anymore,
Speaker 1: just once a week. It's noticing this small, tiny progress
Speaker 1: and acknowledging it so that you know you're moving forward
Speaker 1: when it feels like you're just stuck. That makes all
Speaker 1: the difference. If you're going through this right now, you
Speaker 1: have a friend is please share this with them. I
Speaker 1: hope you will discuss it together, and remember I'm forever
Speaker 1: in your corner and I'm always rooting for you. If
Speaker 1: you love this episode, you're going to love my conversation
Speaker 1: with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your ex
Speaker 1: and find true love in your relationships. Make a list
Speaker 1: of the things that are truly important for you to
Speaker 1: find in a partner, and then be that list