WEBVTT - If You Can't Stop Thinking About Your Ex, Do This (The Path To Real Closure)

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<v Speaker 1>You all know that feeling after a breakup, where you're

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<v Speaker 1>sitting in confusion, hurt, and heartbreak, and all you want

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<v Speaker 1>is some sort of explanation that helps the pain make sense.

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<v Speaker 1>You replay conversations, reread all texts, stalk their social media,

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<v Speaker 1>and drive yourself crazy searching for the perfect answer that

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<v Speaker 1>might make the breakup hurt even just a little bit less. Eventually,

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<v Speaker 1>you convince yourself that what you actually need is one

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<v Speaker 1>more conversation with your ex. I know you've done this.

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<v Speaker 1>I think almost everyone has been there at some point,

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<v Speaker 1>because one of the hardest parts of heartbreak is how

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<v Speaker 1>badly the mind wants resolution. When a significant relationship in

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<v Speaker 1>your life ends without the clarity you need, your brain

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<v Speaker 1>can get stuck spiraling over and over trying to understand

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<v Speaker 1>why your heart and your nervous system are so deregulated.

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<v Speaker 1>Wanting a sense of closure is natural, because right now

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<v Speaker 1>you think closure is finally hearing the explanation that makes

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<v Speaker 1>the reason for the breakup click into place. You'd think

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<v Speaker 1>if your ex could just admit they handle things the

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<v Speaker 1>wrong way, you'd finally feel free enough to let go.

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<v Speaker 1>You might even think your ex doesn't realize how badly

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<v Speaker 1>they've hurt you, and you tell yourself, if only they

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<v Speaker 1>could know, things would be different. But the reality is

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<v Speaker 1>real closure does not come from another person, and the

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<v Speaker 1>journey to true, genuine closure begins the moment you stop

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<v Speaker 1>expecting the person who hurt you to be the one

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<v Speaker 1>who heals you. I've coached a lot of people through

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<v Speaker 1>breakups and closure conversations, and one of the ways that

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<v Speaker 1>it's not been helpful is we think more information leads

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<v Speaker 1>to more healing, But more often than not, more information

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<v Speaker 1>leads to more questions. So when you go through a breakup,

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<v Speaker 1>you think, if I had all the answers, I'd be satisfied.

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<v Speaker 1>Whereas what happens when you get the answers is you

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<v Speaker 1>just have loads more questions. Your brain needs to fix

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<v Speaker 1>the loop, it needs to end the cycle. But the

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<v Speaker 1>problem is more information just perpetuates more questions. Here's the thing.

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<v Speaker 1>Heartbreak already creates enough emotional turmoil as it is, and

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<v Speaker 1>I know that coupling that with uncertainty about why you've

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<v Speaker 1>been left heartbroken can feel almost unbearable. In fact, brain

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<v Speaker 1>imaging studies have found that romantic rejection actually activates many

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<v Speaker 1>of the same neural pathways associated with physical pain, craving,

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<v Speaker 1>and addiction withdrawal. That's part of why heartbreak can feel

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<v Speaker 1>so obsessive. Your mind keeps trying to return to the

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<v Speaker 1>source of the attachment, looking for relief, even though return

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<v Speaker 1>turning to it is really just making the healing time slower.

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<v Speaker 1>They've actually talked about how heartbreak can feel like your

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<v Speaker 1>heart is actually breaking, like you're detoxing from a drug.

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<v Speaker 1>It's a hard cycle to escape. You replay conversations trying

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<v Speaker 1>to figure out what you missed. You reread old texts

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<v Speaker 1>looking for hidden meaning. You stalk social media, ask mutual

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<v Speaker 1>friends for updates, and decide reaching out to them is

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<v Speaker 1>the only way you ever feel better. But instead of

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<v Speaker 1>helping you heal, all of these behaviors are actually just

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<v Speaker 1>keeping you emotionally attached to a relationship that's over. You're

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<v Speaker 1>staying stuck because the thing you want to change isn't changing.

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<v Speaker 1>You don't need further analysis. You need the harder thing, acceptance.

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<v Speaker 1>The trap of a closure conversation is that it makes

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<v Speaker 1>you think closure will come from an external source, when

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<v Speaker 1>really true closure comes from focusing on healing internally. The

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<v Speaker 1>heartbreak actually begins to lessen when you turn the focus

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<v Speaker 1>back toward yourself. The hard part is your brain is

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<v Speaker 1>not going to naturally want to look inward and prioritize

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<v Speaker 1>your own healing right after a breakup. The human brain

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<v Speaker 1>hates unresolved endings. Psychologists who study the need for cognitive

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<v Speaker 1>closure have found that people inherently seek certainty, and we

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<v Speaker 1>struggle when we feel stuck in ambiguity or unanswered questions.

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<v Speaker 1>The brain wants a conclusion it can make sense of

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<v Speaker 1>as a means of releasing constant tension. When something important

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<v Speaker 1>feels unresolved, your mind will keep returning to it over

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<v Speaker 1>and over, trying to reduce that discomfort. That's part of

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<v Speaker 1>why breakups can feel so mentally all consuming, especially when

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<v Speaker 1>an ending feels confusing or incomplete. But what your brain

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<v Speaker 1>doesn't realize is that you may never get the explanation

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<v Speaker 1>that finally feels satisfying enough, which means we can't our

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<v Speaker 1>healing to depend on eventually receiving this form of closure.

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<v Speaker 1>Your ex won't give you what you truly need. Sometimes

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<v Speaker 1>they genuinely do not understand themselves well enough to explain

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<v Speaker 1>their behavior clearly. Sometimes they avoid difficult conversations because they're

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<v Speaker 1>emotionally immature. Sometimes they've already told you the truth, but

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<v Speaker 1>it just hurts too much for you to accept. I

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<v Speaker 1>know that might sound harsh, but it actually should be empowering,

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<v Speaker 1>because the truth is, you hold all the power for

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<v Speaker 1>your own healing. Even if they give you an explanation,

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<v Speaker 1>your deeper emotional wound will remain open because what you're

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<v Speaker 1>really searching for is emotional safety, reassurance, and self worth,

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<v Speaker 1>and those things cannot permanently come from another person. They

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<v Speaker 1>have to come from within you. So where do you start?

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<v Speaker 1>Even though I know it can be incredibly painful, the

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<v Speaker 1>journey to acceptance begins with going no contact with your

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<v Speaker 1>former partner. It's not punishment, it's not manipulation. It's not

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<v Speaker 1>a strategy to make them miss you. It's truly just

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<v Speaker 1>giving yourself the space you need for your nervous system

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<v Speaker 1>to begin to regulate again. And only from there will

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<v Speaker 1>you be able to mentally begin processing the relationship's end.

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<v Speaker 1>And when I say no contact, I don't just mean

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<v Speaker 1>not texting them or calling them. Don't check their social media,

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<v Speaker 1>don't ask their friends how they are, don't try and

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<v Speaker 1>figure out how they're doing at work. I know how

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<v Speaker 1>uncomfortable silence feels after a heartbreak. This person has been

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<v Speaker 1>woven into your daily routine. They're a part of your lifestyle.

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<v Speaker 1>Losing contact with them can genuinely feel destabilizing. Heartbreak suddenly

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<v Speaker 1>shrinks your world. Your routines revolved around one person, your

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<v Speaker 1>thoughts revolved around one person, your nervous system revolved around

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<v Speaker 1>one person. And suddenly, when they're gone, there's this massive

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<v Speaker 1>emptiness where your attention used to go. The foundation of

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<v Speaker 1>your life will temporarily uppend. Research on attachment theory shows

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<v Speaker 1>that close relationships become deeply integrated into our emotional regulation systems,

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<v Speaker 1>which means losing that connection can disrupt everything about your

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<v Speaker 1>sense of emotional stability. That's why healing requires rebuilding structure. Internity.

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<v Speaker 1>Wake up at the same time every day and do

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<v Speaker 1>something that makes you feel good, move your body, make

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<v Speaker 1>your favorite coffee, check in with friends. This is the

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<v Speaker 1>time to pour into yourself with the energy your ex

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<v Speaker 1>was taking, because even though it's hard, what that separation

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<v Speaker 1>and silence eventually does is forced to sit with yourself again.

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<v Speaker 1>You start confronting the deeper questions underneath the grief, and

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<v Speaker 1>that's where closure can actually begin. Ask yourself, where did

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<v Speaker 1>I lose myself in this relationship? What toxic patterns was

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<v Speaker 1>I repeating? What about this relationship was actually never working?

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<v Speaker 1>What emotional baggage did it expose in me that existed

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<v Speaker 1>long before this person entered my life. It's uncomfortable, it's hard,

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<v Speaker 1>but this is the work that actually changes you for

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<v Speaker 1>the better. Instead of wondering what are they thinking about me?

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<v Speaker 1>You need to start asking what did this relationship reveal

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<v Speaker 1>about me? Where did you abandon your own needs? Where

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<v Speaker 1>did you depend on another person for validation, reassurance, or

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<v Speaker 1>emotional stability? What fears where you operating from. One of

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<v Speaker 1>the most useful things you can do after a breakup

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<v Speaker 1>is write down every moment in the relationship where you

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<v Speaker 1>felt emotionally dismissed, anxious, unheard, or disconnected. Heartbreak has a

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<v Speaker 1>way of romanticizing people. Once they're gone, your brain starts

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<v Speaker 1>replaying the highs and forgetting all the moments that were

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<v Speaker 1>hard or even hurtful. Writing things down helps interrupt that

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<v Speaker 1>distortion so you can finally begin seeing things more clearly.

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<v Speaker 1>Look a lot of us unconsciously use the search for

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<v Speaker 1>external closure as a way of avoiding doing this deeper

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<v Speaker 1>self work. Analyzing another person is easier than confronting yourself.

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<v Speaker 1>But the breakups that change you for the better are

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<v Speaker 1>the ones that force you to be more honest with

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<v Speaker 1>where you're at. Acceptance that closure is internal stops you

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<v Speaker 1>from endlessly negotiating with what you should do, what you

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<v Speaker 1>should say, how you should act. Right now, you just

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<v Speaker 1>need to be It's vital that you take this time

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<v Speaker 1>after a relationship ends to give yourself space to process.

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<v Speaker 1>Psychologists studying self compassion have found that people who practice

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<v Speaker 1>being supportive toward oneself when experiencing suffering tend to recover

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<v Speaker 1>more resiliently than people who approach themselves with harsh self criticism.

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<v Speaker 1>This period of pain, heartbreak, and confusion will pass, so

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<v Speaker 1>you need to look out for yourself during it. Stop

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<v Speaker 1>yourself from walling back into toxic patterns, negative behaviors, or

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<v Speaker 1>any coping mechanisms that are just keeping you emotionally stuck.

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<v Speaker 1>Real closure is behavioral, and that's in your control right now.

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<v Speaker 1>You don't actually need the perfect explanation from your ex.

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<v Speaker 1>You need to behave as someone who takes care of

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<v Speaker 1>themselves differently than they did in this partnership, do the

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<v Speaker 1>work now, and you will protect yourself the next time

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<v Speaker 1>life puts you in a similar situation. And I think

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<v Speaker 1>this is an important distinction because people often imagine healing

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<v Speaker 1>as this emotional finish line where they suddenly stop caring, hurting,

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<v Speaker 1>or thinking about the relationship. And all those things are

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<v Speaker 1>true in a sense because eventually this dark, painful period

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<v Speaker 1>will pass. But on a deeper level, you don't know

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<v Speaker 1>you've actually healed until life presents you with a future

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<v Speaker 1>emotional trigger and you no longer react the same way

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<v Speaker 1>you used to look at it this way, relationships are

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<v Speaker 1>cycles of rupture and repair. In healthy relationships, conflict or

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<v Speaker 1>rupture eventually leads back to understanding and reconnection. But when

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<v Speaker 1>relationships end abruptly or painfully, you can get emotionally stranded

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<v Speaker 1>in a place of rupture with no way to get

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<v Speaker 1>back to a phase of connection. People spend years trying

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<v Speaker 1>to emotionally understand the original relationship looking for that repair.

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<v Speaker 1>In a partnership that's gone, the one the other person

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<v Speaker 1>to finally understand them, correctly, validate their growth, acknowledge their

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<v Speaker 1>her or mirror back the emotional progress they've made. But

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<v Speaker 1>The truth is that repair you're seeking won't come from

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<v Speaker 1>a partner that's gone. It will show up when a

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<v Speaker 1>new relationship reflects back the same insecurities, fears, attachment wounds,

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<v Speaker 1>communication patterns, or abandonment triggers, and this time it doesn't

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<v Speaker 1>end in rupture, because this time you've learned to work

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<v Speaker 1>through these cycles in a way that's healthy, consistent, and

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<v Speaker 1>emotionally protects yourself. That's closure. Maybe in your last relationship,

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<v Speaker 1>you ignored red flags because you were afraid of losing

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<v Speaker 1>the person. Closure happens when someone new shows you the

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<v Speaker 1>same morning signs, and this time you walk away early

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<v Speaker 1>instead of negotiating yourself out of your intuition. Maybe your

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<v Speaker 1>old relationship made you anxious because you constantly needed reassurance

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<v Speaker 1>in order to feel secure. Closure happens when you learn

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<v Speaker 1>how to regulate your own emotions instead of making another

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<v Speaker 1>person fully responsible for stabilizing your nervous system. Maybe you

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<v Speaker 1>use to confuse nerves with passion, emotional volatility with chemistry,

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<v Speaker 1>or obsession with love. Closure happens when someone enters your

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<v Speaker 1>life who triggers those butterflies and anxious attachment styles, but

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<v Speaker 1>you now recognize that as inconsistency and not attraction. Researchers

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<v Speaker 1>studying post traumatic growth have found that difficult life experiences

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<v Speaker 1>can often lead to deeper self awareness, stronger relationships, increased

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<v Speaker 1>emotional resilience, and greater clarity around personal values. That doesn't

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<v Speaker 1>mean heartbreak is good or that suffering is something to seek,

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<v Speaker 1>but it does mean pain can become transformative in powerful

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<v Speaker 1>life altering ways. I remember when I lived in New

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<v Speaker 1>York and I was four months away from being broke.

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<v Speaker 1>We had four months for rent and groceries, and I

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<v Speaker 1>was under immense stress and pressure because we had thirty

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<v Speaker 1>days before my visa ran out and I'd have to

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<v Speaker 1>leave the country. I have never dug that deep. One

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<v Speaker 1>of my mentors said to me that when you're in pain,

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<v Speaker 1>you'll realize your potential. That moment is when I look

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<v Speaker 1>back on to realize how much emotional resilience I have

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<v Speaker 1>to remember, how much depth, I have to remember how

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<v Speaker 1>much courage I have because I can't believe I got

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<v Speaker 1>through it. When you reflect on how you move through

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<v Speaker 1>difficult times, you get more energy to move through new challenges. Today,

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<v Speaker 1>we have to look back at moments when we did

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<v Speaker 1>hard things in order to do new, hard things in

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<v Speaker 1>the future. By focusing on yourself and your growth during

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<v Speaker 1>a stressful, painful time, you can save yourself years of

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<v Speaker 1>heartbreak down the road. Real closure is not this cinematic

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<v Speaker 1>moment where your ex finally says exactly what you need

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<v Speaker 1>to hear and you run into their arms and everything

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<v Speaker 1>feels perfect for another fleeting moment. It's months of hard work,

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<v Speaker 1>internal analysis, and getting honest with yourself about the baggage

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<v Speaker 1>you've been carrying in past relationships. What's beautiful is that

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<v Speaker 1>losing someone does not mean losing yourself. It's actually quite

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<v Speaker 1>the opposite. Closure is coming back to yourself. Remember, you've

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<v Speaker 1>got your own back, You can trust yourself, and you're

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<v Speaker 1>capable of changing your own life for the better. Closure

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<v Speaker 1>is about who you become, moving forward in a way

0:15:10.240 --> 0:15:13.800
<v Speaker 1>that aligns with the journey to your highest potential, and

0:15:13.840 --> 0:15:17.640
<v Speaker 1>that's something your ex partner can never give you. Eventually,

0:15:17.720 --> 0:15:20.760
<v Speaker 1>the moment you once thought would heal you, the final text,

0:15:20.760 --> 0:15:24.520
<v Speaker 1>the final conversation, the final answer stops mattering to you

0:15:25.040 --> 0:15:28.440
<v Speaker 1>because your life is no longer emotionally centered around the

0:15:28.480 --> 0:15:32.960
<v Speaker 1>relationship anymore. It's centered around a better version of yourself.

0:15:33.480 --> 0:15:37.040
<v Speaker 1>The number one way to get closure after a breakup

0:15:37.640 --> 0:15:40.960
<v Speaker 1>is to accept that you may never get the apology

0:15:41.360 --> 0:15:45.200
<v Speaker 1>that you deserve. When you keep wishing, wanting, and waiting

0:15:45.240 --> 0:15:48.960
<v Speaker 1>for an apology, it keeps you attached to the relationship.

0:15:49.360 --> 0:15:52.760
<v Speaker 1>The moment you release that desire is the moment you

0:15:52.800 --> 0:15:57.760
<v Speaker 1>are truly free. The second thing is to separate facts

0:15:57.920 --> 0:16:01.600
<v Speaker 1>from interpretations when you think about your memory. Your memory

0:16:01.720 --> 0:16:05.240
<v Speaker 1>has all these ideas and interpretations, and the goal is

0:16:05.240 --> 0:16:08.240
<v Speaker 1>to look at your memory and really think about the fact,

0:16:08.600 --> 0:16:11.720
<v Speaker 1>not just the story, not just the narrative, but the

0:16:11.840 --> 0:16:17.160
<v Speaker 1>actual fact. What happened, What was going on? What's the

0:16:17.280 --> 0:16:19.880
<v Speaker 1>closest thing you can get to the truth? When you

0:16:19.920 --> 0:16:22.720
<v Speaker 1>look at the facts versus just a story and narrative,

0:16:23.120 --> 0:16:26.440
<v Speaker 1>you actually get a sense of what you actually went through.

0:16:26.880 --> 0:16:29.880
<v Speaker 1>As I said before, the brain has this tendency during

0:16:29.880 --> 0:16:34.120
<v Speaker 1>a breakup to romanticize the relationship. You look back at

0:16:34.120 --> 0:16:36.960
<v Speaker 1>a picture and you only see the smiles and the photo,

0:16:37.680 --> 0:16:39.840
<v Speaker 1>but not the mindset or the argument that you had

0:16:39.920 --> 0:16:42.800
<v Speaker 1>just before. You think about all the incredible places you

0:16:42.840 --> 0:16:45.400
<v Speaker 1>went to, but not about how much you didn't like

0:16:45.480 --> 0:16:48.840
<v Speaker 1>planning it together. You think about all the incredible times

0:16:48.880 --> 0:16:52.240
<v Speaker 1>you had but you forget all the arguments to and

0:16:52.320 --> 0:16:54.840
<v Speaker 1>from the event at night, or the birthday party of

0:16:54.880 --> 0:16:58.960
<v Speaker 1>your friend. It's really fascinating how the brain only serves

0:16:58.960 --> 0:17:02.480
<v Speaker 1>you up memories and takes away all the hard ones.

0:17:02.840 --> 0:17:05.480
<v Speaker 1>And that's why it's important that you'd focus on the facts,

0:17:05.800 --> 0:17:09.960
<v Speaker 1>not just the interpretations. This is probably the most important

0:17:09.960 --> 0:17:13.879
<v Speaker 1>advice I can give you on closure. Say the unsaid,

0:17:14.840 --> 0:17:17.959
<v Speaker 1>even if they'll never hear it. A lot of us

0:17:18.000 --> 0:17:20.320
<v Speaker 1>feel that we wish we could have one more conversation

0:17:20.400 --> 0:17:23.240
<v Speaker 1>with that person. We wish they could hear our pain.

0:17:23.600 --> 0:17:26.119
<v Speaker 1>We wish we could tell them how we felt, and

0:17:26.160 --> 0:17:28.760
<v Speaker 1>many of us may never get that chance. But say

0:17:28.800 --> 0:17:34.520
<v Speaker 1>the unsaid. Write a letter, Share what hurt you experienced,

0:17:34.840 --> 0:17:37.920
<v Speaker 1>Share the pain you went through, Share the dreams you had,

0:17:38.359 --> 0:17:43.840
<v Speaker 1>share the grief you're experiencing. Share everything, Write it down,

0:17:44.800 --> 0:17:48.400
<v Speaker 1>leave it on the page. It's so important to get

0:17:48.440 --> 0:17:53.160
<v Speaker 1>out of your head and onto paper, because otherwise your

0:17:53.200 --> 0:17:56.600
<v Speaker 1>mind will just spiral and crash out. And so many

0:17:56.600 --> 0:17:59.800
<v Speaker 1>of us get lost in that overthinking and over evaluation

0:18:00.000 --> 0:18:02.960
<v Speaker 1>and maybe even thinking that we'll run into them one day.

0:18:03.400 --> 0:18:06.199
<v Speaker 1>But you have the ability to get it out on

0:18:06.320 --> 0:18:08.840
<v Speaker 1>the page. You can then burn it, you can throw

0:18:08.880 --> 0:18:11.960
<v Speaker 1>it in the trash, you can even send it to

0:18:12.000 --> 0:18:15.880
<v Speaker 1>them energetically to realize that you've passed it on. It's

0:18:15.920 --> 0:18:20.160
<v Speaker 1>so important to feel that transfer from your energy to theirs,

0:18:20.160 --> 0:18:22.680
<v Speaker 1>from your heart to theirs, from your mind to theirs,

0:18:23.200 --> 0:18:27.160
<v Speaker 1>and to not limit it by physical proximity. You may

0:18:27.200 --> 0:18:30.119
<v Speaker 1>never see this person again, you may never get to

0:18:30.119 --> 0:18:33.360
<v Speaker 1>have this conversation, but that doesn't mean you don't get

0:18:33.400 --> 0:18:36.639
<v Speaker 1>to feel the emotions when you put them onto paper.

0:18:37.240 --> 0:18:39.760
<v Speaker 1>And actually when you do that, that's the process that

0:18:39.840 --> 0:18:43.560
<v Speaker 1>helps you feel and heal. That's why it's important. It's

0:18:43.560 --> 0:18:47.119
<v Speaker 1>not important because we somehow believe, through some fluffy version

0:18:47.119 --> 0:18:50.280
<v Speaker 1>that they're going to feel the impact of this. They won't.

0:18:50.920 --> 0:18:53.399
<v Speaker 1>But what we do know is that you get to

0:18:53.480 --> 0:18:57.200
<v Speaker 1>feel and experience the emotion of saying it to them,

0:18:57.920 --> 0:19:01.520
<v Speaker 1>which for you and your heart and mind is so

0:19:01.520 --> 0:19:05.399
<v Speaker 1>so important. One of the biggest mistakes we make after

0:19:05.440 --> 0:19:09.359
<v Speaker 1>a breakup is that we keep opening up old wounds

0:19:09.720 --> 0:19:13.679
<v Speaker 1>for new evidence. We read our old messages hoping to

0:19:13.720 --> 0:19:17.960
<v Speaker 1>find new answers. We read old cards in order to

0:19:18.040 --> 0:19:23.119
<v Speaker 1>discover new red flags. We look back at pictures and

0:19:23.200 --> 0:19:27.159
<v Speaker 1>our camera role in our WhatsApp thread in order to

0:19:27.240 --> 0:19:30.600
<v Speaker 1>hope that we can find a new narrative. All that

0:19:30.680 --> 0:19:34.919
<v Speaker 1>does is keep you stuck in that relationship, even when

0:19:35.000 --> 0:19:39.159
<v Speaker 1>it no longer exists. It's like being embedded into something

0:19:39.160 --> 0:19:42.639
<v Speaker 1>that is no longer real, but being so immersed in

0:19:42.680 --> 0:19:46.159
<v Speaker 1>it that it feels that's all that's real. The more

0:19:46.320 --> 0:19:50.639
<v Speaker 1>time you spend gathering more information, the more stuck you feel,

0:19:50.960 --> 0:19:53.919
<v Speaker 1>the more lost you are. And with that we also

0:19:54.000 --> 0:19:58.600
<v Speaker 1>imagine different endings, different things. We could have said, what if,

0:19:58.840 --> 0:20:01.000
<v Speaker 1>what if they said that? But if I did this?

0:20:01.200 --> 0:20:05.640
<v Speaker 1>Why didn't we do this? All fair questions, worth asking,

0:20:06.119 --> 0:20:10.439
<v Speaker 1>but important to realize that they don't have impact. They

0:20:10.440 --> 0:20:14.200
<v Speaker 1>don't change the reality, and it's that lack of control

0:20:15.040 --> 0:20:17.879
<v Speaker 1>that affects us so deeply. We want things to go

0:20:17.960 --> 0:20:20.480
<v Speaker 1>a certain way. That's how we all ours humans be included,

0:20:20.760 --> 0:20:23.320
<v Speaker 1>and when things don't go to our plan, we wish

0:20:23.400 --> 0:20:28.119
<v Speaker 1>they would change, and that's pain. Pain is the difference

0:20:28.400 --> 0:20:32.800
<v Speaker 1>between your plan and reality. That is what pain is.

0:20:32.880 --> 0:20:35.480
<v Speaker 1>That is what you're experiencing. And all we have to

0:20:35.560 --> 0:20:37.760
<v Speaker 1>do is realize that it was beautiful, We had a plan.

0:20:37.840 --> 0:20:40.800
<v Speaker 1>It's amazing that you have dreams. There's nothing wrong with that,

0:20:41.160 --> 0:20:43.399
<v Speaker 1>but we have to come back down to reality in

0:20:43.440 --> 0:20:48.440
<v Speaker 1>this situation. There's a famous quote by Steve Marabouli that says,

0:20:48.920 --> 0:20:53.199
<v Speaker 1>when people show you their true colors, don't try to

0:20:53.320 --> 0:20:55.560
<v Speaker 1>repaint them. A lot of us spend a lot of

0:20:55.600 --> 0:20:59.160
<v Speaker 1>our time after a breakup trying to repaint someone another way.

0:21:00.119 --> 0:21:03.520
<v Speaker 1>Thought they could be the potential, they had the incredible

0:21:03.600 --> 0:21:05.800
<v Speaker 1>journey we could have had with them. But they have

0:21:05.920 --> 0:21:09.119
<v Speaker 1>shown us what they want in reality, and that's what

0:21:09.200 --> 0:21:11.640
<v Speaker 1>we have to learn to accept. When you're going through

0:21:11.640 --> 0:21:14.320
<v Speaker 1>a breakup, I want you to allow yourself to have

0:21:14.400 --> 0:21:17.840
<v Speaker 1>contradictory feelings. Often we're trying to find one narrative. They

0:21:17.840 --> 0:21:22.400
<v Speaker 1>were bad, I was good, they wasted my time, I

0:21:22.480 --> 0:21:27.320
<v Speaker 1>was naive. The reality is, some days you're going to think,

0:21:27.320 --> 0:21:29.760
<v Speaker 1>you know what, it was all their fault, and some

0:21:29.880 --> 0:21:33.200
<v Speaker 1>days you think it was all my fault. Some days

0:21:33.200 --> 0:21:36.159
<v Speaker 1>you'll probably think I wish they'd done this, and some

0:21:36.280 --> 0:21:38.640
<v Speaker 1>days you'll probably think I wish I had done that.

0:21:39.200 --> 0:21:42.960
<v Speaker 1>It's okay to hold both truths at once. I think

0:21:43.000 --> 0:21:46.120
<v Speaker 1>that's actually what's going to make closure more possible. Closure

0:21:46.200 --> 0:21:48.560
<v Speaker 1>is impossible when we're just trying to find one answer,

0:21:48.600 --> 0:21:51.880
<v Speaker 1>one lane, but then we keep debating ourselves. Was when

0:21:51.920 --> 0:21:55.199
<v Speaker 1>we accept I miss them, but actually I realized they

0:21:55.200 --> 0:21:59.359
<v Speaker 1>weren't good for me. I loved them, but we weren't

0:21:59.440 --> 0:22:03.399
<v Speaker 1>right for each other. I deeply respect and admire them,

0:22:03.720 --> 0:22:09.000
<v Speaker 1>but they weren't my person. Accepting both truths freeze us

0:22:09.720 --> 0:22:15.160
<v Speaker 1>from this binary prison that has no solution. Ask yourself,

0:22:15.200 --> 0:22:19.000
<v Speaker 1>what did that person create in your life? Was it comfort?

0:22:19.320 --> 0:22:23.400
<v Speaker 1>Was it adventure? Was it regulation? What was it? And

0:22:23.440 --> 0:22:26.080
<v Speaker 1>then go and find the thing that does that for you.

0:22:26.600 --> 0:22:28.720
<v Speaker 1>See what a person did is they played a role

0:22:28.720 --> 0:22:31.240
<v Speaker 1>in your life. And the role they played is what

0:22:31.280 --> 0:22:33.800
<v Speaker 1>you're missing. It may not feel like that right now,

0:22:34.160 --> 0:22:36.560
<v Speaker 1>but that's really what's going on. And I'd like you

0:22:36.600 --> 0:22:39.280
<v Speaker 1>to go and find a place. I'd like you to

0:22:39.320 --> 0:22:41.560
<v Speaker 1>go and find a community. I'd like you to go

0:22:41.600 --> 0:22:43.880
<v Speaker 1>and find a hobby. If that's what it is that

0:22:44.000 --> 0:22:47.000
<v Speaker 1>makes you feel that energy, that makes you realize that

0:22:47.040 --> 0:22:49.080
<v Speaker 1>you can still have adventure in your life, you can

0:22:49.119 --> 0:22:51.080
<v Speaker 1>still have joy in your life, you can still have

0:22:51.160 --> 0:22:53.600
<v Speaker 1>excitement in your life, you can still have support in

0:22:53.680 --> 0:22:56.119
<v Speaker 1>your life. This is really one of those moments that

0:22:56.200 --> 0:22:58.800
<v Speaker 1>you realize who your real friends are when you go

0:22:58.960 --> 0:23:03.160
<v Speaker 1>through a breakup. You realize which friends you ignored and

0:23:03.200 --> 0:23:06.320
<v Speaker 1>which friends stayed because there were some people that you

0:23:06.440 --> 0:23:09.520
<v Speaker 1>stop talking to because you were too busy with your partner,

0:23:10.040 --> 0:23:12.439
<v Speaker 1>and there were some people that stood by your side

0:23:12.920 --> 0:23:16.640
<v Speaker 1>even when they felt neglected. Don't neglect them now, don't

0:23:16.680 --> 0:23:21.439
<v Speaker 1>ignore them now, don't put them off. Reprioritize them. This

0:23:21.600 --> 0:23:23.399
<v Speaker 1>is the best piece of advice I can give you

0:23:23.520 --> 0:23:29.040
<v Speaker 1>after a breakup. Measure progress differently. We think that progress

0:23:29.080 --> 0:23:31.520
<v Speaker 1>after a breakup is that we're over it and we've

0:23:31.520 --> 0:23:34.560
<v Speaker 1>moved on. It might be that you just think about

0:23:34.600 --> 0:23:37.760
<v Speaker 1>it less. It might be that you now see the truth.

0:23:38.640 --> 0:23:43.040
<v Speaker 1>It might be that you don't cry every day anymore,

0:23:43.160 --> 0:23:48.159
<v Speaker 1>just once a week. It's noticing this small, tiny progress

0:23:48.840 --> 0:23:52.480
<v Speaker 1>and acknowledging it so that you know you're moving forward

0:23:53.000 --> 0:23:56.360
<v Speaker 1>when it feels like you're just stuck. That makes all

0:23:56.720 --> 0:23:59.439
<v Speaker 1>the difference. If you're going through this right now, you

0:23:59.480 --> 0:24:02.000
<v Speaker 1>have a friend is please share this with them. I

0:24:02.040 --> 0:24:05.200
<v Speaker 1>hope you will discuss it together, and remember I'm forever

0:24:05.240 --> 0:24:07.760
<v Speaker 1>in your corner and I'm always rooting for you. If

0:24:07.760 --> 0:24:10.800
<v Speaker 1>you love this episode, you're going to love my conversation

0:24:11.000 --> 0:24:13.960
<v Speaker 1>with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your ex

0:24:14.280 --> 0:24:17.920
<v Speaker 1>and find true love in your relationships. Make a list

0:24:19.119 --> 0:24:24.359
<v Speaker 1>of the things that are truly important for you to

0:24:24.480 --> 0:24:27.000
<v Speaker 1>find in a partner, and then be that list