WEBVTT - When You Know It’s Time to Let Go with Devi Brown 0:00:05.000 --> 0:00:08.720 Welcome to Deeply Well. This show is a soft place 0:00:08.760 --> 0:00:10.640 to land on your journey, a. 0:00:10.600 --> 0:00:14.200 Space where we explore what it truly means to live 0:00:14.280 --> 0:00:19.960 well from the inside out, not perfectly, but honestly, with 0:00:20.000 --> 0:00:24.200 all the complexity, the paradox, the beauty, and the wonder 0:00:24.400 --> 0:00:28.120 of being human. Because in a world that is constantly 0:00:28.160 --> 0:00:31.520 pulling at us, this is the space to come back 0:00:31.560 --> 0:00:36.400 to yourself, to your body, your truth, to the practices 0:00:36.479 --> 0:00:40.559 that genuinely sustain you, the ones that work when life 0:00:40.640 --> 0:00:46.200 is actually happening. This show is for the seekers, the creatives, 0:00:46.760 --> 0:00:51.680 the sensitive ones, for everyone doing the quiet, courageous work 0:00:52.280 --> 0:01:00.240 of becoming whole. This is Deeply Well. Welcome back to 0:01:00.320 --> 0:01:03.160 Deeply Well. I'm Debbie Brown, and one of my favorite 0:01:03.200 --> 0:01:08.440 parts of community is really being reminded that while our 0:01:08.520 --> 0:01:12.319 stories are unique, we all have our paths. So many 0:01:12.360 --> 0:01:15.559 of the questions that we do carry and the feelings 0:01:15.600 --> 0:01:19.880 that we arrive at in our experience are shared questions 0:01:19.920 --> 0:01:27.560 about purpose, relationships, healing, boundaries, grief, joy, identity, spirituality, and 0:01:27.640 --> 0:01:34.000 how we navigate the very human experience of becoming. That 0:01:34.120 --> 0:01:38.560 is especially evident when I hold retreats and we do 0:01:38.600 --> 0:01:41.880 group share. I love leaning into group share when I'm 0:01:41.880 --> 0:01:47.440 facilitating a retreat, and you just find that there are 0:01:47.560 --> 0:01:51.120 so many fibers and so many links, and so many 0:01:51.200 --> 0:01:55.880 breakthrough moments that we hold within for one another, simply 0:01:56.000 --> 0:02:00.400 through our questions that we ask and through the things 0:02:00.400 --> 0:02:01.280 that we choose. 0:02:01.040 --> 0:02:02.520 To express about ourselves. 0:02:03.160 --> 0:02:04.840 So today we're going to do something a little bit 0:02:04.840 --> 0:02:07.400 different this episode. If you're watching on YouTube, which if 0:02:07.440 --> 0:02:10.120 you didn't know, I got a YouTube channel, subscribe you 0:02:10.120 --> 0:02:13.600 can watch these episodes with me and guests. But if 0:02:13.600 --> 0:02:16.799 you're watching on YouTube, I got my headphones on. Definitely 0:02:16.800 --> 0:02:19.920 feels like my old radio days. So today is going 0:02:19.960 --> 0:02:23.600 to be a special episode of Q and A. We 0:02:23.680 --> 0:02:26.600 gave the opportunity to call in to listeners on the show, 0:02:26.760 --> 0:02:30.240 and some of you did and left me voicemails with 0:02:30.440 --> 0:02:34.160 questions that are currently resting on your heart. So throughout 0:02:34.160 --> 0:02:37.160 this episode, I'm going to be listening to questions from 0:02:37.160 --> 0:02:41.280 you the audience, and responding in real time. Well, I 0:02:41.320 --> 0:02:43.480 don't claim to have all the answers, y'all. I am 0:02:43.520 --> 0:02:47.080 a flawed human being. I do believe that there is 0:02:47.200 --> 0:02:51.560 wisdom and reflection and lived experience, and in creating spaces 0:02:51.639 --> 0:02:57.280 where we can explore life's complexities and questions together. So 0:02:57.400 --> 0:02:59.840 my hope today is that as you listen, you won't 0:02:59.880 --> 0:03:03.680 just hear someone else's question. You might hear an invitation 0:03:03.919 --> 0:03:08.040 to offer yourself a little bit more compassion, curiosity, or grace. 0:03:09.200 --> 0:03:11.680 You might hear a question that resonates with something you're 0:03:11.720 --> 0:03:14.320 going through, or it might be a question that's on 0:03:14.360 --> 0:03:17.520 the opposite end of what you're going through. So maybe 0:03:17.520 --> 0:03:23.160 there's a little opportunity for perspective there. So thank you 0:03:23.240 --> 0:03:27.440 for trusting me with your stories, with your questions, everyone 0:03:27.480 --> 0:03:30.280 that called in, and allowing Deeply Well to be a 0:03:30.360 --> 0:03:36.200 place where we can continue learning, healing, and ultimately growing together. 0:03:36.600 --> 0:03:38.200 All right, let's get into it. 0:03:38.640 --> 0:03:40.640 So to get started, I'm here in the Deeply Well 0:03:40.680 --> 0:03:46.240 Studios and I have my amazing producer, Denisha in the house. Denisha, 0:03:46.400 --> 0:03:47.600 let's start. 0:03:47.320 --> 0:03:48.360 With the first caller, What you. 0:03:48.480 --> 0:03:54.440 Got, Hive? I love your podcast. I'm such a big fan. 0:03:55.360 --> 0:03:58.600 You know. I have a very close friend that I 0:03:58.680 --> 0:04:01.480 have known since I was probably around ten years old. 0:04:01.760 --> 0:04:05.400 Were in our early thirties now, and I've been having 0:04:05.440 --> 0:04:12.560 some really conflicting feelings about I guess how our friendship 0:04:12.640 --> 0:04:17.280 has evolved and feeling as though I may have evolved 0:04:17.480 --> 0:04:21.520 past certain things that she's experiencing, which is of no 0:04:21.640 --> 0:04:24.719 fault of her own. And I would love to learn 0:04:24.720 --> 0:04:27.960 a little bit more about or hear more about your 0:04:27.960 --> 0:04:34.920 opinion on friendships and evolving friendships where there's nothing really 0:04:35.440 --> 0:04:42.359 wrong per se. But maybe I think we are just 0:04:42.440 --> 0:04:44.760 on different paths. And I want the best for this 0:04:44.839 --> 0:04:49.680 person and love them so dearly. I'm actually feeling guilty 0:04:49.760 --> 0:04:52.119 because I know that they can be doing so much more, 0:04:53.920 --> 0:04:56.760 and they just deserve a life full of happiness, and 0:04:57.839 --> 0:04:59.640 I feel as though they've just been stuck in this 0:04:59.720 --> 0:05:03.440 place that it's hard to witness. And as much as 0:05:03.480 --> 0:05:07.960 I love them, I sometimes feel as though I'm almost 0:05:08.040 --> 0:05:10.719 pushed away inadvertently. So I would love to know just 0:05:10.800 --> 0:05:12.839 really about what you think. 0:05:14.520 --> 0:05:17.919 Yeah, thank you, Wow, thank you. 0:05:19.200 --> 0:05:22.919 How many people listening relate to that question. I'm so 0:05:23.160 --> 0:05:26.919 glad this listener brought it forward. I think this is 0:05:26.920 --> 0:05:30.480 something so real. It is something that, I mean, just 0:05:30.680 --> 0:05:34.559 such a huge majority of people experience, and you really 0:05:34.600 --> 0:05:38.279 don't know, you know, what is within your rights? You know, 0:05:38.320 --> 0:05:40.680 what do you really have the right to do when 0:05:40.720 --> 0:05:43.880 it comes to some of these more long term relationships. 0:05:45.920 --> 0:05:48.479 You know, I would say first and foremost, and hearing 0:05:48.600 --> 0:05:54.760 the question, hearing the tone, you feel pretty clear on 0:05:54.880 --> 0:05:59.080 what you should do. I think clarity really can arrive 0:05:59.200 --> 0:06:02.400 to us in this deep knowing and understanding and this 0:06:02.520 --> 0:06:06.240 clear vision, and then we wrestle with it. We try 0:06:06.279 --> 0:06:08.800 to talk ourselves out of it, We try to find, 0:06:09.000 --> 0:06:10.840 you know, the remedies. 0:06:12.720 --> 0:06:13.440 To fix it. 0:06:13.600 --> 0:06:16.520 Sometimes we hear our intuition and we think that it's 0:06:16.640 --> 0:06:20.120 God telling us the problem, because we're then meant to 0:06:20.160 --> 0:06:24.960 go find the solution. And sometimes this solution is God 0:06:25.200 --> 0:06:28.719 showing you what the problem is. And so I think 0:06:28.839 --> 0:06:31.560 this in this you know, some of the things I 0:06:31.600 --> 0:06:34.960 heard in that question were specifically feeling that you evolved 0:06:35.080 --> 0:06:39.080 past a friendship and nothing is wrong, and that you 0:06:39.400 --> 0:06:42.240 both are not causing harm to one another. Right. This 0:06:42.400 --> 0:06:46.200 is not perhaps a drama, This is not some big fights, 0:06:46.240 --> 0:06:49.719 some big betrayal leading you to this position, but it 0:06:49.800 --> 0:06:54.320 is a clear understanding that you may not be equally yoked, 0:06:55.640 --> 0:07:00.480 maybe in this season, maybe forever. But I think you 0:07:00.520 --> 0:07:03.280 do have to take the step of faith in the 0:07:03.320 --> 0:07:07.359 guidance you're being shown and something that is just very real, 0:07:07.360 --> 0:07:10.680 and I myself have gone through this, you know, on 0:07:10.760 --> 0:07:18.400 definitely more than one occasion, I think sometimes and this 0:07:19.240 --> 0:07:23.640 advice is not applicable for everyone, but it is applicable 0:07:23.680 --> 0:07:29.000 for the people that are deep caring and have very 0:07:29.040 --> 0:07:33.880 empathetic friendships to where you may notice that you carry 0:07:33.920 --> 0:07:37.520 more of the emotional burden or you are expected to 0:07:37.600 --> 0:07:41.960 be the emotional regulator in a relationship with someone. I 0:07:42.000 --> 0:07:45.000 think it's important to evaluate whether this person is in 0:07:45.160 --> 0:07:48.040 a particular season, like maybe life is just hitting them 0:07:48.160 --> 0:07:51.840 hard right now, or they've had a series of blows, 0:07:52.600 --> 0:07:55.960 you know, and saying to yourself, how can I honor 0:07:56.120 --> 0:08:00.920 being their friend and honor myself and knowing that I 0:08:01.000 --> 0:08:05.360 can't fix any of that, and I don't have the 0:08:05.400 --> 0:08:09.760 capacity or the bandwidth to be the sole person holding 0:08:09.800 --> 0:08:13.040 it up with them, And then I also think it's 0:08:13.080 --> 0:08:16.400 fair to investigate what do you want out of life? 0:08:17.000 --> 0:08:20.200 Like at the end of the day, it's it's absolutely. 0:08:20.520 --> 0:08:26.320 Such a gift to find a friendship in others, and 0:08:26.480 --> 0:08:30.040 we all have different experiences with that. Some people like myself, 0:08:30.720 --> 0:08:32.360 meet a lot of people and have met a lot 0:08:32.360 --> 0:08:35.280 of people in their life, and you know, I have 0:08:35.400 --> 0:08:38.000 moved around a lot, so I have a lot of 0:08:38.040 --> 0:08:38.720 friendships in a. 0:08:38.760 --> 0:08:40.839 Lot of places. 0:08:41.520 --> 0:08:44.440 So I experienced that a little bit different maybe than some. 0:08:45.080 --> 0:08:47.120 And then I think for some other people you might 0:08:47.200 --> 0:08:52.120 have one or two deeply trusted important relationships and life 0:08:52.320 --> 0:08:56.200 teaches you through those you know handful of connections, And 0:08:56.280 --> 0:08:58.680 for others, it may be that friendship is what you 0:08:58.760 --> 0:09:01.680 are learning to have and hold with others, and you're 0:09:01.720 --> 0:09:04.840 still approaching some of your first experiences with it. But 0:09:04.920 --> 0:09:07.679 I think wherever you fall on the spectrum, something that 0:09:07.760 --> 0:09:11.920 all of us have a right to investigate is but 0:09:12.000 --> 0:09:14.800 does this serve me too? You know, none of us 0:09:14.800 --> 0:09:18.240 are martyrs, And you know, the amazing thing about friendship 0:09:18.360 --> 0:09:22.319 is it absolutely can be and serve as chosen family, 0:09:23.800 --> 0:09:27.319 and it can also be like chosen drama and problems 0:09:27.360 --> 0:09:29.400 that only exist as long as. 0:09:29.240 --> 0:09:30.920 You choose to participate with it. 0:09:31.559 --> 0:09:33.480 You know, I think that's important to know that no 0:09:33.520 --> 0:09:37.000 one is frozen in friendship, no one is locked into 0:09:37.120 --> 0:09:41.160 this servitude. And if you take the time to investigate it, 0:09:41.200 --> 0:09:46.240 I'm not saying to react in emotionally immature ways, or 0:09:46.840 --> 0:09:48.920 you know, if you don't get your way, or if 0:09:49.320 --> 0:09:51.560 the two of you just don't have the capacity to 0:09:51.679 --> 0:09:56.680 communicate and repair. That's a whole other set of sometimes 0:09:56.720 --> 0:10:01.480 issues and skill sets that are necessary. But if you 0:10:01.679 --> 0:10:06.560 find yourself having a similar moment to what this caller shared, 0:10:08.120 --> 0:10:11.160 really sit down and investigate it. This isn't just about 0:10:11.160 --> 0:10:17.720 one thought. This isn't just about you know, a quick cutoff. 0:10:18.160 --> 0:10:20.560 You know, you still have to honor the relationship, even 0:10:20.559 --> 0:10:23.960 with just yourself, but dedicate some time to it. I 0:10:24.000 --> 0:10:26.760 had a situation in my past where there was someone 0:10:26.920 --> 0:10:30.200 who I've been friends with for I mean a. 0:10:30.120 --> 0:10:35.800 Few decades, but I felt like. 0:10:35.840 --> 0:10:40.240 The relationship just really there was something unsettling about it 0:10:40.320 --> 0:10:43.240 for me, even though this person always kind of showed 0:10:43.320 --> 0:10:46.720 up with you know, good energy. We'd hang out, we'd 0:10:46.760 --> 0:10:50.120 have fun, we would share like nostalgic stories and you know, 0:10:50.240 --> 0:10:54.959 silly kind of inner jokes, inside jokes. 0:10:57.480 --> 0:10:59.360 But I felt always. 0:10:59.000 --> 0:11:01.560 Like I was doing more in the relationship in a 0:11:01.600 --> 0:11:05.040 way that started to bother me, and not necessarily more 0:11:05.240 --> 0:11:08.080 in like I'm the one always reaching out and calling 0:11:08.160 --> 0:11:11.800 because I'm not that friend, but I am the friend 0:11:11.800 --> 0:11:14.199 that's going to get in it with you, like you're 0:11:14.240 --> 0:11:18.960 going to be good, you know. But I started thinking 0:11:19.040 --> 0:11:20.920 back to the ways that we connect and it was 0:11:21.000 --> 0:11:23.480 always like I was always paying for a lot, Like 0:11:23.520 --> 0:11:27.400 I was paying for all the lunches I was inviting out, 0:11:27.559 --> 0:11:30.600 you know, to this trip, or inviting out to this thing. 0:11:30.760 --> 0:11:34.080 And and when. 0:11:33.960 --> 0:11:37.840 I looked at what could be reciprocal. 0:11:37.120 --> 0:11:39.319 In the relationship, it didn't have to be the same 0:11:39.440 --> 0:11:43.960 level of like opportunity or financial investment. But this person 0:11:44.000 --> 0:11:45.199 didn't even give me. 0:11:45.240 --> 0:11:46.760 Like the best of what they did have. 0:11:48.000 --> 0:11:50.520 They didn't really look to incorporate me into their life 0:11:50.520 --> 0:11:52.920 in any way. There was not a lot of reaching out. 0:11:54.080 --> 0:11:56.480 And if there was reaching out or visiting me, it 0:11:56.559 --> 0:11:59.360 was also beneficial for them to do it. At the 0:11:59.360 --> 0:12:02.600 same time, there was still something they were getting out 0:12:02.640 --> 0:12:07.080 of it that was good for them, pleasurable for them, 0:12:07.360 --> 0:12:10.520 socially beneficial for them. But when I looked at what 0:12:10.640 --> 0:12:13.520 I was getting, I realized that the nagging feeling I 0:12:13.640 --> 0:12:17.800 kind of had was just the lack of equal yoking, 0:12:18.000 --> 0:12:24.680 the lack of reciprocity, the lack of being resonating mentally 0:12:24.760 --> 0:12:29.320 or emotionally. You know, we are very different people. And 0:12:29.800 --> 0:12:31.400 I really looked at it, and I was like, I 0:12:31.440 --> 0:12:34.240 don't know that we have anything in common other than 0:12:34.320 --> 0:12:35.839 like good energy towards each other. 0:12:35.880 --> 0:12:38.480 When we're around, and it was really. 0:12:38.280 --> 0:12:42.280 Interesting looking at that and it having taken place over 0:12:42.360 --> 0:12:47.160 twenty years, and how easy it would be to misunderstand 0:12:47.200 --> 0:12:51.079 that relationship as having depth or closeness that it actually 0:12:51.120 --> 0:12:54.240 really didn't have, or having a level of care and 0:12:54.320 --> 0:12:57.720 support for me that it actually didn't have. And so 0:12:58.120 --> 0:13:00.440 I think I'd approached this in a few ways. I mean, 0:13:01.000 --> 0:13:03.640 the off top advice i'd say is trust your gut. 0:13:03.679 --> 0:13:06.600 You're getting that feeling for a reason. It's clear to 0:13:06.640 --> 0:13:07.560 you that you're not. 0:13:12.760 --> 0:13:19.040 Feeling balanced in that relationship, that you're not feeling enthusiastic 0:13:19.080 --> 0:13:23.359 about the connection, and that it doesn't feel like equal investment, 0:13:24.000 --> 0:13:28.160 equal yoking. So to that end, I could say, you 0:13:28.200 --> 0:13:33.040 know the answer, head along your way and offer warm distance. 0:13:33.280 --> 0:13:35.280 You know, it doesn't have to be that there's beef. 0:13:35.320 --> 0:13:38.080 You can still cheer somebody on and support them and 0:13:38.160 --> 0:13:40.400 have the very conscious choice that you're not going to 0:13:40.440 --> 0:13:43.160 take on their lives for them because you can't and 0:13:43.200 --> 0:13:46.800 you don't want to. And also whatever has transpired in 0:13:46.800 --> 0:13:51.280 the relationship really doesn't call for that either. So I 0:13:51.280 --> 0:13:54.240 think there's one way for it to be instantaneous. And 0:13:54.240 --> 0:13:56.800 then I think there's also opportunity to do some slow 0:13:56.840 --> 0:13:59.080 work with it and see who you become in the 0:13:59.120 --> 0:14:03.160 process as well. I've done that too, where I say, Okay, 0:14:03.160 --> 0:14:06.559 I'm noticing that I have this feeling with this person 0:14:07.280 --> 0:14:10.160 and I don't love it, but I don't fully understand 0:14:10.240 --> 0:14:12.400 it yet. So I'm going to take the year to 0:14:12.559 --> 0:14:16.280 investigate this, actually give this practice in my book Living 0:14:16.320 --> 0:14:19.840 in Wisdom. But I did that with a few people 0:14:19.840 --> 0:14:22.360 in my life before, where I said, over this next. 0:14:22.200 --> 0:14:23.760 Year, I want to really just. 0:14:25.720 --> 0:14:30.560 Gently but honestly look at the nature of this relationship 0:14:30.600 --> 0:14:32.880 and really see you what do I get out of it? 0:14:32.960 --> 0:14:33.120 Too? 0:14:34.520 --> 0:14:37.880 Because we all deserve that. That's what relationship is, That's 0:14:37.880 --> 0:14:39.760 what being in relationship is. 0:14:39.840 --> 0:14:44.479 There should be a give and a receive. 0:14:45.600 --> 0:14:48.240 Always and every season that looks different and it's not 0:14:48.280 --> 0:14:51.840 always equal, but it should be present. You should feel 0:14:51.880 --> 0:14:55.920 like there is something about this relationship that means more 0:14:55.960 --> 0:15:00.520 to you than simply obligation or pressure. And I do 0:15:00.560 --> 0:15:03.520 think it's important, you know, if not just if someone's 0:15:03.520 --> 0:15:07.960 in a hard season, but if someone fundamentally is very 0:15:08.000 --> 0:15:10.720 different from you in a values driven way, is different 0:15:11.240 --> 0:15:14.920 than you in terms of what they're giving to their lives. 0:15:15.160 --> 0:15:20.280 How seriously they take their lives, how much work they're 0:15:20.320 --> 0:15:24.280 choosing to do on themselves. All of that is incredibly 0:15:24.360 --> 0:15:28.520 important and valuable information and should be taken into consideration 0:15:29.160 --> 0:15:32.920 for any relationship you allow into your private life. I 0:15:32.920 --> 0:15:34.680 think at this part, at this point in my life 0:15:34.720 --> 0:15:38.000 with myself, I have a very high bar for friendship 0:15:38.400 --> 0:15:40.560 because I don't have a lot of space or time, 0:15:41.120 --> 0:15:44.960 and so the relationships that I choose have to be worthy. 0:15:44.640 --> 0:15:47.800 Of investment, and it has to be a mutual poor. 0:15:48.000 --> 0:15:49.800 I have to know that if I'm going to drop 0:15:49.840 --> 0:15:52.360 things and be able to show up for you in 0:15:52.400 --> 0:15:54.960 a hard time, you have the capacity to do. 0:15:54.880 --> 0:15:57.440 That for me as well, because we all have that. 0:15:58.800 --> 0:16:01.080 And I think you know fundament mentally where I've landed 0:16:01.080 --> 0:16:05.200 when I choose friends, when I choose where to invest time, 0:16:05.480 --> 0:16:09.320 and when I decide that something is not a fit 0:16:09.440 --> 0:16:13.480 for me anymore. Fundamentally, it drills down, honestly, at the 0:16:13.520 --> 0:16:18.760 base level. Is this person emotionally mature. There is a 0:16:18.880 --> 0:16:21.080 huge difference I've talked about it on the show many 0:16:21.120 --> 0:16:25.360 times between emotional intelligence, which you know how to read 0:16:25.400 --> 0:16:27.560 a room, you know where the issues lie, you know 0:16:27.600 --> 0:16:30.640 how to give your two cents how to analyze something, 0:16:31.320 --> 0:16:35.720 But there's a whole different set of skills that need 0:16:35.760 --> 0:16:40.480 to be practiced and embodied to be emotionally mature that 0:16:40.520 --> 0:16:44.400 reflects true capacity. I don't have space in my life 0:16:44.480 --> 0:16:49.080 for any relationships that I have to navigate to be 0:16:49.200 --> 0:16:51.920 with someone who does not have emotional maturity. 0:16:51.640 --> 0:16:54.200 And so that for me as a value. 0:16:54.120 --> 0:17:01.400 Really helps me understand where to invest my vitality, where 0:17:01.440 --> 0:17:04.919 to invest my wisdom, where to invest my time. So 0:17:04.960 --> 0:17:06.720 I think also getting clear on what do you actually 0:17:06.720 --> 0:17:08.960 have time for and what do you want your life 0:17:08.960 --> 0:17:11.680 to look and feel like. I don't want to always 0:17:11.720 --> 0:17:16.160 be in crisis with others, right, I want to have 0:17:16.280 --> 0:17:19.800 relationships that also really inspire me from the inside out. 0:17:20.440 --> 0:17:23.320 I don't want to be the inspiring friend in all 0:17:23.359 --> 0:17:26.280 my relationships. I think for some of us that's important 0:17:26.280 --> 0:17:29.080 to say out loud and realize a lot of times 0:17:29.080 --> 0:17:32.480 you'll meet people that deeply admire you and want to 0:17:32.520 --> 0:17:37.240 be friends or you know, feel connected to you, feel 0:17:37.240 --> 0:17:42.240 inspired by you, but that's not necessarily friendship, Like both 0:17:42.320 --> 0:17:46.439 can exist, but friendship also requires a whole host of 0:17:46.480 --> 0:17:50.000 other things, And so I don't want to be in 0:17:50.359 --> 0:17:54.119 friendships and relationships where I'm the only inspiring friend. You know, 0:17:54.280 --> 0:17:56.480 I want to be inspired. I want to be lifted 0:17:56.560 --> 0:17:59.160 up as well. I want to seek wise counsel from 0:17:59.160 --> 0:18:02.439 someone else. I don't just for me. This is for me, 0:18:02.520 --> 0:18:04.960 and we all have different desires and that's why it's 0:18:05.000 --> 0:18:06.320 important you get clear on it. 0:18:07.160 --> 0:18:07.840 But I don't. 0:18:07.880 --> 0:18:11.160 You know, a lot of my needs are met and 0:18:11.240 --> 0:18:15.159 I have wonderful people in my life, and so for me, 0:18:15.200 --> 0:18:21.359 as standard is, you have to have emotional capacity to 0:18:21.480 --> 0:18:23.320 show up for me when I need it in the 0:18:23.359 --> 0:18:26.800 ways that I need it to. And you have to 0:18:26.880 --> 0:18:31.200 have enough life experience and enough track record of making 0:18:31.240 --> 0:18:34.439 good choices for me to be able to seek you 0:18:34.520 --> 0:18:38.240 out for your confidence, for your counsel. I don't want 0:18:38.240 --> 0:18:40.280 to just leak my energy anywhere. I don't want to 0:18:40.320 --> 0:18:43.160 just cry and tell a story because someone in front 0:18:43.160 --> 0:18:46.640 of me is listening, like I want to know that 0:18:46.880 --> 0:18:50.200 the person in front of me really has the capacity 0:18:50.320 --> 0:18:55.760 to understand me, to witness me. Everyone's good at different things, 0:18:55.800 --> 0:18:58.840 so maybe to offer compassion, or maybe to offer insight, 0:18:59.000 --> 0:19:03.480 or maybe to for strategy. You know, everyone doesn't have 0:19:03.560 --> 0:19:07.840 to do everything I need, but I need to know 0:19:07.880 --> 0:19:09.920 that I'm able to get something out of it too, 0:19:10.240 --> 0:19:12.840 because I know what I give and I know how 0:19:12.880 --> 0:19:17.439 I show up, and I know what effect that has, 0:19:17.600 --> 0:19:20.680 and so I think wanting or needing that in return, 0:19:21.359 --> 0:19:27.720 it's fair, it's valid, and you know, it's important that 0:19:28.680 --> 0:19:32.240 many of us are friends with the right alignment of 0:19:32.359 --> 0:19:34.399 person and I think. 0:19:34.280 --> 0:19:36.639 That goes like across the board. So I hope I 0:19:36.680 --> 0:19:37.480 answer that question. 0:19:38.160 --> 0:19:41.040 Thank you, and please keep us posted. 0:19:55.000 --> 0:19:57.720 Thank you for this so much. 0:19:58.880 --> 0:20:02.639 My question is if you could offer any wisdom or 0:20:02.720 --> 0:20:08.520 guidance that would help someone get clear on hearing and 0:20:08.640 --> 0:20:13.480 knowing and being grounded when it comes to making a 0:20:13.520 --> 0:20:19.080 decision to end a marriage or relationship. You know, how 0:20:19.119 --> 0:20:25.200 do you get closer to knowing and feeling complete about 0:20:25.200 --> 0:20:29.359 the decision. And this is when you know they're seemingly 0:20:29.920 --> 0:20:34.639 to an outsider looking in like there's nothing wrong on paper, 0:20:35.760 --> 0:20:40.199 you know, it's it's all good, but ultimately I am not. 0:20:40.720 --> 0:20:45.440 And you know, I want to make sure that I'm 0:20:45.480 --> 0:20:48.600 asking the right questions of myself, anything that I should 0:20:48.640 --> 0:20:54.000 be pondering or leaning into within my body, to just 0:20:54.359 --> 0:20:58.960 come to a little more groundedness and clarity around what 0:20:59.040 --> 0:21:01.880 to do, especially with that with having a five year 0:21:01.920 --> 0:21:05.760 old involved. You know this is not a decision that 0:21:05.800 --> 0:21:09.480 you take lightly. And I know this one question. Won't 0:21:09.560 --> 0:21:12.959 you know this is not the end. I'll be all 0:21:13.000 --> 0:21:16.280 I'm just curious to know how you would think through 0:21:16.400 --> 0:21:18.600 such a difficult decision. 0:21:19.760 --> 0:21:26.480 Thank you again, Oh, thank you for this question. Y'all 0:21:26.520 --> 0:21:29.600 came with the heat. My god, I need. 0:21:29.480 --> 0:21:36.879 An hour for this one. Yeah, it's a big question. 0:21:37.000 --> 0:21:40.840 It changes the trajectory of your life. It changes the 0:21:40.880 --> 0:21:46.960 trajectory of your child's life. I think off top hearing 0:21:48.280 --> 0:21:52.320 the way that question was worded, hearing the deep, deep 0:21:52.440 --> 0:21:55.800 intentionality of it, some of the agony of it too, 0:21:58.160 --> 0:22:05.399 that question, the answer seems clear for you what I found. 0:22:06.119 --> 0:22:09.360 And I absolutely would not call myself a relationship expert. 0:22:10.000 --> 0:22:10.200 Uh. 0:22:10.240 --> 0:22:13.199 I am a woman that got divorced after about a 0:22:13.240 --> 0:22:16.560 decade of being married. I've been divorced for six years now, 0:22:17.520 --> 0:22:20.680 and I've done a lot of healing in that process 0:22:20.760 --> 0:22:23.480 and reflection, and you know, had the chance to really 0:22:23.600 --> 0:22:26.959 learn about love in the last several years and in 0:22:27.040 --> 0:22:27.840 special ways. 0:22:30.240 --> 0:22:33.880 Hm. 0:22:33.920 --> 0:22:38.720 When we reach a level of exhaustion and defeat in 0:22:38.760 --> 0:22:46.879 a relationship, I think that is a big sign for 0:22:46.960 --> 0:22:49.280 your heart and your body. I think that is a 0:22:49.320 --> 0:22:54.600 big arrow pointing to the way forward after you release 0:22:54.880 --> 0:23:01.320 what feels like a burden. I think right now and 0:23:01.400 --> 0:23:04.280 the way that you've shared that you're already approaching all 0:23:04.280 --> 0:23:07.400 the right ways to ponder this and question this. 0:23:11.800 --> 0:23:13.359 I would say that if you. 0:23:15.320 --> 0:23:21.359 Are also in tandem working in therapy, make sure you're 0:23:21.440 --> 0:23:25.960 not in therapy or seeking counsel asking how do I 0:23:26.080 --> 0:23:29.199 stay in this? What do I need to do for 0:23:29.359 --> 0:23:31.600 my marriage to work? What do I need to do? 0:23:32.000 --> 0:23:36.600 I think it's important for you to say, where am 0:23:36.600 --> 0:23:41.239 I hurting in this relationship? Is that fixable? Is that 0:23:41.359 --> 0:23:46.000 solvable realistically? Based on the capacity that your partner holds. 0:23:46.560 --> 0:23:49.600 Sometimes it's easy to get into these marriage circles and 0:23:49.680 --> 0:23:53.040 marriage tropes, and I found this in my situation. I 0:23:53.080 --> 0:23:57.800 had terrible counsel from pastors, I had terrible counsel from 0:23:57.880 --> 0:24:04.480 our couple's therapist. In all of those spaces, people always 0:24:05.200 --> 0:24:08.840 are not able to give you real clarity depending on 0:24:08.960 --> 0:24:11.400 how much work they've done in their own lives and 0:24:11.440 --> 0:24:14.119 how they hold marriage with their own biases and their 0:24:14.160 --> 0:24:18.280 own lives. So the work always comes down to you first, 0:24:18.400 --> 0:24:20.879 and those are the questions you should be asking how 0:24:20.880 --> 0:24:23.840 do you really feel in this relationship every day? What 0:24:24.000 --> 0:24:27.240 feels alive inside of you? What feels dead inside of you? 0:24:27.960 --> 0:24:31.480 Notice your body a big response that I overlooked in 0:24:31.520 --> 0:24:35.240 my relationship as someone that had had chronic pain for quite. 0:24:35.080 --> 0:24:37.200 A while already, I didn't pay. 0:24:37.160 --> 0:24:39.800 Enough attention to the fact that while in the relationship, 0:24:39.960 --> 0:24:45.720 I was constantly inflamed. Oh my god, my health. 0:24:45.640 --> 0:24:49.240 Was so poor, I was so fatigued. 0:24:49.040 --> 0:24:52.239 In a way that didn't align with what my lifestyle was. 0:24:53.240 --> 0:24:55.720 I'd be kind of going through the day with so 0:24:55.920 --> 0:25:03.520 much brain fog, so much musculature pain, constipated, even like 0:25:03.800 --> 0:25:08.080 just inflamed, always getting sick. 0:25:09.480 --> 0:25:11.200 And depressed, and. 0:25:12.640 --> 0:25:15.520 That that is deeper than like we just have some 0:25:15.680 --> 0:25:18.520 communication issues and like we need to figure out our 0:25:18.560 --> 0:25:24.159 tools or our love languages. To me, that represents fundamental dysfunction. 0:25:27.560 --> 0:25:32.679 It represents this is not the right relationship, This is 0:25:32.840 --> 0:25:35.879 not who and what I need to be next to 0:25:36.320 --> 0:25:40.199 every single day. So I think you know, in relationships 0:25:40.240 --> 0:25:42.800 and they go up and down, Right, all relationships are 0:25:42.840 --> 0:25:44.600