1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Speaker 1: Hey, if folks, sit is Monday, September first, and age 2 00:00:07,120 --> 00:00:10,440 Speaker 1: a nutting but a number when it comes to dating. 3 00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:15,840 Speaker 1: But what if she is an eighteen year old freshman? 4 00:00:16,480 --> 00:00:19,640 Speaker 1: Because age still matter if the gap is twenty five years? 5 00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:23,840 Speaker 1: But oh, the story gets oh so much more complicated 6 00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:25,799 Speaker 1: than that. And with that, welcome to this relationship edition 7 00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:29,280 Speaker 1: of Amy and TJ. We're going over Robes, a question 8 00:00:29,360 --> 00:00:33,040 Speaker 1: that a reader sent into us on our yahoo dot 9 00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:35,839 Speaker 1: com column asking for some advice. You can find it 10 00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:38,120 Speaker 1: yahoo dot com, a new one every week in the 11 00:00:38,159 --> 00:00:41,919 Speaker 1: life section. Let's start with that, Robes, there is an 12 00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:47,120 Speaker 1: age gap here twenty five years. Now. When you first 13 00:00:47,159 --> 00:00:49,040 Speaker 1: hear that, is that a big deal? 14 00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:51,320 Speaker 2: Oh, it's a pretty big deal. I mean that's a 15 00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:53,760 Speaker 2: parent to child generational gap. 16 00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:56,240 Speaker 1: Okay, so you would have a follow up question immediately, Hey, 17 00:00:56,440 --> 00:00:59,520 Speaker 1: thinking about dating somebody he's twenty five years older? Your 18 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:02,280 Speaker 1: first question question, you need to know how old the 19 00:01:02,360 --> 00:01:03,800 Speaker 1: woman is right now? Right? 20 00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:07,080 Speaker 2: Yes, one hundred percent, Because well, there's already going to 21 00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:11,160 Speaker 2: be a literally a generation gap between the two of you. 22 00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:15,480 Speaker 2: But if you've lived enough life where you can go 23 00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:21,080 Speaker 2: into that relationship with enough experience, you won't obviously ever 24 00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:24,720 Speaker 2: catch up with your partner, but you've had enough life 25 00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:28,840 Speaker 2: experience that you can navigate your way through it potentially successfully. 26 00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:32,480 Speaker 2: If you're young, if you've just started off in life, 27 00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:36,400 Speaker 2: if you've just left your parents home, it's like you 28 00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:40,280 Speaker 2: just went from your dad to your boyfriend. Like it's 29 00:01:40,319 --> 00:01:42,880 Speaker 2: almost as if you are still seeking that same sort 30 00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:46,120 Speaker 2: of relationship where you've got that dynamic where someone is 31 00:01:46,160 --> 00:01:48,600 Speaker 2: a parental figure to you, because how could he not. 32 00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:52,240 Speaker 1: Bekay, it's hard to endorse, is it not at that age? 33 00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:52,360 Speaker 2: No? 34 00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:54,160 Speaker 1: Okay, details are different, and there are a lot of 35 00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:57,440 Speaker 1: people out there with age gaps in their relationships. But 36 00:01:57,560 --> 00:01:59,880 Speaker 1: it's a hard I would say, as I'm looking at 37 00:01:59,880 --> 00:02:01,800 Speaker 1: it a couple of different ways. It's hard as a 38 00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:06,960 Speaker 1: parent especially, but it's hard to endorse a relationship when 39 00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:11,399 Speaker 1: somebody is seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, even up to twenty five, 40 00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:14,639 Speaker 1: and somebody has a twenty five year age gap. It 41 00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:20,560 Speaker 1: can work, People can fall in love, that's from the outside. 42 00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:23,040 Speaker 1: When it's somebody you care about, a family member, especially 43 00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:28,519 Speaker 1: a kid. If somebody you love a child, it's difficult 44 00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:29,040 Speaker 1: to stomach. 45 00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:31,240 Speaker 2: Frankly, I think it's very hard, and yes, there are 46 00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:36,040 Speaker 2: plenty of examples of successful relationships where they've met in 47 00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:38,760 Speaker 2: their early twenties and he's twenty years older and they're 48 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:41,760 Speaker 2: still together to the end. So I would never say 49 00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:44,880 Speaker 2: it couldn't happen. But yes, my daughters who are nineteen 50 00:02:44,919 --> 00:02:48,400 Speaker 2: and twenty two, I would not want them to date 51 00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:52,720 Speaker 2: out of their decade basically up until they're thirty period. 52 00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:56,400 Speaker 1: Okay, So we mentioned all this, folks, because we had 53 00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:59,600 Speaker 1: a young lady writ into us Carrie Cassie. Excuse me, 54 00:02:59,639 --> 00:03:03,120 Speaker 1: Cassie wrote in Now, yes, there's an age gap, she 55 00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:05,160 Speaker 1: wrote in and asked us about. But I have kind 56 00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:07,359 Speaker 1: of been messing with you all because there's another very 57 00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:10,680 Speaker 1: significant detail to this story that needs to be added 58 00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:12,960 Speaker 1: before you kind of just come to a conclusion. This 59 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:15,960 Speaker 1: isn't just a simple hey, there's an age gap? Should 60 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:18,440 Speaker 1: we date? No? No, no, no, no. There is much 61 00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:19,320 Speaker 1: more to this. 62 00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:24,000 Speaker 2: One wrote Yes. Here is the actual question or letter 63 00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:26,440 Speaker 2: that was written into us Amy and TJ. When I 64 00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:28,320 Speaker 2: was a freshman in college, I fell in love with 65 00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:31,280 Speaker 2: a man twenty five years older than me. The connection 66 00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:35,920 Speaker 2: was unshakable, but I was young and he was newly divorced. 67 00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:42,120 Speaker 2: Co parenting eight kids. It didn't work. It's been thirteen years. 68 00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:45,440 Speaker 2: I'm about to turn forty, and he stepped back into 69 00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:48,280 Speaker 2: my life. I think we've both grown a lot and 70 00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:52,360 Speaker 2: might be ready for a real relationship. He worries that 71 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:55,160 Speaker 2: my parents and my friends won't approve, but I don't 72 00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:59,440 Speaker 2: want to crowdsource my relationship. If we try again, will 73 00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:02,160 Speaker 2: it be the same old story or could it be 74 00:04:02,360 --> 00:04:04,520 Speaker 2: for real this time? Cassie. 75 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:06,960 Speaker 1: Now, folks didn't see, but I wish they could have 76 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:09,960 Speaker 1: seen you at a particular moment as you were reading this, 77 00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:13,840 Speaker 1: you stopped, you made a little face, you looked up 78 00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:16,719 Speaker 1: at me, you scratched your notes. You had a whole thing. 79 00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:22,200 Speaker 1: And the line was I was young. He was newly divorced, 80 00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:24,400 Speaker 1: co parenting eight kids. 81 00:04:25,279 --> 00:04:30,520 Speaker 2: That's a huge twist in the story. The twist is, 82 00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:35,919 Speaker 2: yes they had or he had eight kids, but that 83 00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:39,320 Speaker 2: now they want to try again. And now she's older, 84 00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:43,680 Speaker 2: Now she's pushing forty. He's in his sixties. I guess 85 00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:47,520 Speaker 2: his children have been raised. She's lived a lot of 86 00:04:47,560 --> 00:04:50,919 Speaker 2: her life. So my advice to her was to go 87 00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:54,080 Speaker 2: for it, yes, but to really you know, obviously, she 88 00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:56,400 Speaker 2: has to ask herself if she wants kids. At this point, 89 00:04:56,440 --> 00:04:58,520 Speaker 2: it's kind of do or die. At the age she's at, 90 00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:00,680 Speaker 2: she has to kind of that ship is either sailed. 91 00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:04,960 Speaker 2: I'm guessing he probably is not too into having more 92 00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:08,800 Speaker 2: kids if he already has eight. I can't even that guy, 93 00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:11,720 Speaker 2: can't even give my head around that. But yeah, So 94 00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:14,760 Speaker 2: as long as she has come to peace with the 95 00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:17,239 Speaker 2: fact that she doesn't want any more kids and she's 96 00:05:17,279 --> 00:05:22,000 Speaker 2: okay being a step mother figure ish even though she's 97 00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:25,560 Speaker 2: probably a peer in terms of age to his kids, Like, 98 00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:29,240 Speaker 2: as long as she's gotten all that space in her 99 00:05:29,279 --> 00:05:32,840 Speaker 2: head figured out, I don't see the harm. She's lived 100 00:05:32,920 --> 00:05:37,080 Speaker 2: enough of her life at late thirties, she can make 101 00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:38,320 Speaker 2: a grown up decision. 102 00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:40,920 Speaker 1: What problems do you have then? You don't have that? 103 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:44,839 Speaker 1: She can make this decision now, but not then. My 104 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:48,599 Speaker 1: question is so much of my advice, if you will, 105 00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:52,280 Speaker 1: was based on I need to understand a dynamic that 106 00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:58,040 Speaker 1: what forty three year old man is pursuing and has 107 00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:00,920 Speaker 1: fallen in love with and think his life and his 108 00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:04,240 Speaker 1: future is with an eighteen year old freshman in college. 109 00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:08,640 Speaker 1: I need that answer before I move to the next thing, 110 00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:12,680 Speaker 1: because I'm trying to understand where his head is and 111 00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:17,240 Speaker 1: where in his life he places an eighteen year old 112 00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:21,679 Speaker 1: freshman sweetheart. He clear he probably has kids her age. 113 00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:22,839 Speaker 2: Oh, I'm sure he does. 114 00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:27,320 Speaker 1: Where that dynamic I'm trying to understand how do we 115 00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:29,760 Speaker 1: go from that to this? A lot of things have 116 00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:32,120 Speaker 1: happened in both of their lives in those years, but 117 00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:35,440 Speaker 1: I needed to understand and I want to desperately understand 118 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:39,680 Speaker 1: that initial dynamic. Does it matter? And I might be 119 00:06:39,839 --> 00:06:42,080 Speaker 1: not looking at this the right way? Ropes, What doesn't matter? 120 00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:45,400 Speaker 1: How it was then, this is now? She's a grown 121 00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:48,400 Speaker 1: ass woman. He is now sixty early sixties. 122 00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:50,600 Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean for her to want to be with 123 00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:53,240 Speaker 2: someone like that, I would also obviously she I'm sure 124 00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:55,279 Speaker 2: can do the math. And it's one thing for someone 125 00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:56,840 Speaker 2: to be in their sixties, but ma'am, when you get 126 00:06:56,880 --> 00:06:58,920 Speaker 2: into your seventies and your eighties, it's a big difference. 127 00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:01,279 Speaker 2: And if you're in your forties or your fifties, like 128 00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:04,560 Speaker 2: obviously that's the age we're in right now. We're very active, 129 00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:07,000 Speaker 2: We're very we you know, can run have marathons and 130 00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:10,240 Speaker 2: climb mountains and go all day shopping, and you know, 131 00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:14,320 Speaker 2: you start choosing to go through life with someone who 132 00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:17,320 Speaker 2: is twenty five years older than you. While it didn't 133 00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:20,080 Speaker 2: seem like a big deal, funny enough in terms of 134 00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:25,920 Speaker 2: vitality and just probably energy when she was in her 135 00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:28,360 Speaker 2: early twenties and he was in her forties, that actually 136 00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:31,680 Speaker 2: probably felt pretty normal and pretty similar. It's now, Yes, 137 00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:33,640 Speaker 2: you might be more mature as if as a woman, 138 00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:36,160 Speaker 2: and be able to make a better decision, but now 139 00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:39,880 Speaker 2: you're gonna be dealing with other issues, physical issues that 140 00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:42,080 Speaker 2: maybe you aren't prepared for. There's just a lot to 141 00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:45,800 Speaker 2: think about. And look, plenty of these relationships have been successful. 142 00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:48,880 Speaker 2: I know people who have age gaps like this and 143 00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:52,520 Speaker 2: they're they're just soulmates and it's okay. So I would 144 00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:55,840 Speaker 2: never I don't discourage her from seeking it out. I 145 00:07:55,880 --> 00:07:58,200 Speaker 2: can only imagine she's gone through and figured out all 146 00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:03,240 Speaker 2: the rest. My issue was being worried. He's worried about 147 00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:06,160 Speaker 2: her friends and her family not approving. I think that 148 00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:09,440 Speaker 2: should be the last on her list of things to 149 00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:10,480 Speaker 2: be considering. 150 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:14,240 Speaker 1: I'm with you one hundred percent. And this thing she 151 00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:16,960 Speaker 1: wrote in here is the crowdsourcing. What was her line here. 152 00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:21,240 Speaker 2: About she doesn't want to crowdsource her relationship? Basically, you know, yes, 153 00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:25,040 Speaker 2: let other people have an impact on what she does 154 00:08:25,120 --> 00:08:25,720 Speaker 2: or doesn't do. 155 00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:31,480 Speaker 1: And they should and you are ultimately responsible. But I 156 00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:34,960 Speaker 1: hate using the word crowdsource because it sounds negative, like 157 00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:37,760 Speaker 1: I'm gonna put it in somebody else's hands. No, anything 158 00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:39,720 Speaker 1: you do in your life that's that important, you should 159 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:43,640 Speaker 1: absolutely get counsel. You should go to the people that 160 00:08:43,679 --> 00:08:45,719 Speaker 1: you love most and the people that love you most, 161 00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:47,920 Speaker 1: and they're going to give you good counsel. Don't please, 162 00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:51,480 Speaker 1: I encourage everybody. Don't label anything as crowdsourcing or thinking 163 00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:54,480 Speaker 1: you're giving somebody outside of your relationships or input in it. Yes, 164 00:08:54,559 --> 00:08:57,760 Speaker 1: they should listen to them, listen to it closely, and 165 00:08:57,800 --> 00:09:00,560 Speaker 1: then you make the decision. But absolutely she'd be talking 166 00:09:00,559 --> 00:09:05,760 Speaker 1: to other people. I as a as a parent, my 167 00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:09,320 Speaker 1: answer is different than a guy on the outside. It 168 00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:11,880 Speaker 1: would be tough robes. It just is she has to 169 00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:13,920 Speaker 1: I don't know if she has kids. It's possible she 170 00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:15,240 Speaker 1: could already, Yes, it's possible. 171 00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:17,559 Speaker 2: She didn't mention that she had another relationship with that 172 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,600 Speaker 2: she ended up having children. She did not mention that. 173 00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:22,600 Speaker 1: Doesn't it begin in with that? At this point what 174 00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:25,680 Speaker 1: the kid question? Isn't it begin and in with that 175 00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:28,760 Speaker 1: question if she wants to have kids, it's likely he 176 00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:31,520 Speaker 1: does not. Yes, doesn't it begin in with that question? 177 00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:33,839 Speaker 2: And she didn't bring it up, So it didn't seem 178 00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:36,200 Speaker 2: like this was an issue for her, because if it were, 179 00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:38,560 Speaker 2: I'm sure she would have brought that up in the question. 180 00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:40,400 Speaker 2: She would have said, Hey, what do you think if 181 00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:42,520 Speaker 2: I still want to have kids, should I be willing 182 00:09:42,559 --> 00:09:45,360 Speaker 2: to throw away my shot at having or becoming a mom. No, 183 00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:47,640 Speaker 2: she didn't talk about any of that, so I actually 184 00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:49,840 Speaker 2: think because she chose not to speak about it, it's 185 00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:50,760 Speaker 2: not an issue. 186 00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:53,960 Speaker 1: Okay, comments are starting to come in about this, and 187 00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:56,079 Speaker 1: encourage all of you all again. Go to Yahoo dot 188 00:09:56,080 --> 00:09:59,080 Speaker 1: com Life section. You'll see the article there. You can 189 00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:01,800 Speaker 1: see what other people starting to write in, and we 190 00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:04,640 Speaker 1: love and we encourage you to chime in as well 191 00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:11,040 Speaker 1: with your advice. But this robe seems so far we're 192 00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:12,199 Speaker 1: not going to get into it yet. Some of the 193 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:16,679 Speaker 1: comments we've seen, but so much of a question of 194 00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:22,800 Speaker 1: simply taboo. It feels when there's an age gap in 195 00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:27,000 Speaker 1: a relationship, it's taboo for some reason. We accept it 196 00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:29,160 Speaker 1: to a certain degree when it's the man older than 197 00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:32,720 Speaker 1: the woman, but it's still this thing we haven't gotten 198 00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:36,560 Speaker 1: a good handle on yet. How love can look different. 199 00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:38,320 Speaker 2: Yes, and I think a lot of it is. Look, 200 00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:42,000 Speaker 2: we're all different ages mentally. I really do believe that. Yes, 201 00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:44,040 Speaker 2: we have a physical age, Yes we know when we 202 00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:46,440 Speaker 2: all came into the world. But I think so many 203 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:51,760 Speaker 2: of us have different energy ages, like significantly. And there 204 00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:56,360 Speaker 2: are older folks who have that youthful vitality, that younger spirit, 205 00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:58,520 Speaker 2: and they want to be around people younger than them 206 00:10:58,559 --> 00:11:01,600 Speaker 2: and that feels comfortable to them. And I get that. 207 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:03,960 Speaker 2: I think I'm one of those people. I like to 208 00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:08,199 Speaker 2: be around younger folks. I tend to gravitate towards younger people. 209 00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:10,560 Speaker 2: My friends all tend to be younger than me. You're 210 00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:14,160 Speaker 2: a little younger than me. I do feel like I 211 00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:21,080 Speaker 2: have that younger energy. However, I do think like within 212 00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:23,880 Speaker 2: a decade that makes sense. When you're talking two decades, 213 00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:27,079 Speaker 2: twenty five years, that is a significant difference. It's again 214 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:30,120 Speaker 2: not that it can't work, but that is a that's 215 00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:34,360 Speaker 2: just a huge, a huge change. And there it's not 216 00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:37,400 Speaker 2: even a physical because I think that's fine. Obviously, whatever 217 00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:40,240 Speaker 2: or whoever you're attracted to isn't necessarily just physical it's 218 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:45,320 Speaker 2: emotional obviously, and it's spiritual, but there is an experience gap, 219 00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:50,160 Speaker 2: and there is a power dynamic. I'm curious, like you 220 00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:52,040 Speaker 2: pointed out, when she met him, if she was a 221 00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:54,040 Speaker 2: freshman in college and he was twenty five years older 222 00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:56,400 Speaker 2: than her, how did she meet him? Was it? It 223 00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:58,040 Speaker 2: could have been at a bar, it could have been 224 00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:02,640 Speaker 2: at a bookstore, but see her professor, was there some 225 00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:06,679 Speaker 2: sort of a power dynamic that played a role in 226 00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:08,920 Speaker 2: her relationship with him? And that's just something that she 227 00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:11,640 Speaker 2: should examine because that would be the unhealthy part of it. 228 00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:13,920 Speaker 2: If she's trying to find a father figure, if she 229 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:16,720 Speaker 2: wants somebody to take care of her. There's nothing wrong 230 00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:18,920 Speaker 2: with wanting someone to take care of you, but it's 231 00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:21,680 Speaker 2: just a question that when you have that big of 232 00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:24,400 Speaker 2: an age gap, you have to be cognizant of and 233 00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:27,200 Speaker 2: ask yourself, why am I attracted to someone who is 234 00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:32,680 Speaker 2: significantly older than me with a very different experience in life? 235 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:35,760 Speaker 1: You know that is you just hit on exactly why. 236 00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:39,160 Speaker 1: You probably articulated it or helped me put it together 237 00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:44,840 Speaker 1: better than I can. It's at eighteen years old. My 238 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:48,080 Speaker 1: problem with their relationship is the dynamic when she was eighteen. 239 00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:51,440 Speaker 1: What is a forty three year old man doing with 240 00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:54,199 Speaker 1: an eighteen year old child? So let's take it back 241 00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:56,679 Speaker 1: a year. What is a forty two year old man 242 00:12:56,920 --> 00:12:59,719 Speaker 1: doing with a seventeen year old high school senior? Go back? 243 00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:01,480 Speaker 1: And then the year was a forty one year old 244 00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:04,080 Speaker 1: man doing with a six There's no age as you 245 00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:07,560 Speaker 1: keep going back that it feels appropriate right now that 246 00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:12,200 Speaker 1: time of her life, there is nothing as a forty me. 247 00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:15,920 Speaker 1: I'm forty eight, I have nothing an eighteen year old, 248 00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:17,600 Speaker 1: nineteen year old twenty. 249 00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:20,280 Speaker 2: Twenty one, forty eight, So you'd be with the twenty 250 00:13:20,280 --> 00:13:22,760 Speaker 2: three year old? How would that feel? That would be 251 00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:25,800 Speaker 2: Ava is about to turn twenty three, so that age 252 00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:29,800 Speaker 2: Ava's friends, that would be the age date her friends. 253 00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:31,839 Speaker 1: I can't stand any of them. I can't stand being 254 00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:33,520 Speaker 1: around them. We don't have anything to dog go out. 255 00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:37,840 Speaker 1: You're fey, just kidding, love y'all, gummy, Marcus all crew. 256 00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:39,319 Speaker 1: You know I love you, But what I'm saying to 257 00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:43,360 Speaker 1: you we don't have necessarily things in common. We've done 258 00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:45,440 Speaker 1: fun things together and were going to hang out, but 259 00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:48,360 Speaker 1: we have different interests, we have different schedules we have 260 00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:49,760 Speaker 1: It just doesn't work. 261 00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:52,880 Speaker 2: It's funny because I think about, like you, dating in 262 00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:56,280 Speaker 2: that age group, it wouldn't look inappropriate. You look young, 263 00:13:56,800 --> 00:14:00,440 Speaker 2: they look, you know, kind of ambiguous, like you don't know, 264 00:14:00,559 --> 00:14:03,440 Speaker 2: mid to late twenties. You could you could pass for 265 00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:06,599 Speaker 2: someone in their thirties, so it wouldn't raise eyebrows the 266 00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:11,480 Speaker 2: look at all, which is funny, But the difference in 267 00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:16,439 Speaker 2: experience and interests and likes and all of that is vast. 268 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:19,400 Speaker 1: Well, whoever's listening right now, if you're over the age 269 00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:24,640 Speaker 1: of thirty five, imagine dating an eighteen year old. No, 270 00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:28,000 Speaker 1: it just so when if. 271 00:14:27,360 --> 00:14:28,800 Speaker 2: It's one thing, I was gonna sorry, I was gonna 272 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:30,840 Speaker 2: say it's one thing to date or have a physical 273 00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:32,560 Speaker 2: relationship with them. Fine, I can see why you'd be 274 00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:36,560 Speaker 2: attracted to maybe, but to have a significant relationship where 275 00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:38,280 Speaker 2: you're saying this is my soulmate, this is who I 276 00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:39,680 Speaker 2: want to spend the rest of my life with, this 277 00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:42,080 Speaker 2: is who I want to marry. That's very different. 278 00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:44,400 Speaker 1: And this is why I'm trying to be always mindful 279 00:14:44,440 --> 00:14:47,800 Speaker 1: and respectful of people who do have age gaps, because 280 00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:51,120 Speaker 1: it doesn't automatically mean it's a disaster or automatically mean 281 00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:53,680 Speaker 1: it was untoward or that was a problem. I just 282 00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:55,960 Speaker 1: know what it means what an eighteen year old is, 283 00:14:57,040 --> 00:14:59,680 Speaker 1: and I know what it's like to be in your forties, right, 284 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,760 Speaker 1: I know those two people should not be socially out. 285 00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:05,040 Speaker 2: I mean, it's fun to hang out with Annalys and 286 00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:07,480 Speaker 2: her friends. It's fun to hang out with am and 287 00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:09,680 Speaker 2: her friends. But that's where it begins and ends. 288 00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:12,480 Speaker 1: It's not our dating pool. No speak about all those 289 00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:14,640 Speaker 1: kids we have in the house. This is our dating 290 00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:17,280 Speaker 1: so weird, that would be absolutely weird. 291 00:15:17,320 --> 00:15:20,280 Speaker 2: And again, he has eight kids, So okay, you did 292 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:22,720 Speaker 2: the math forty three. If he had eight kids at 293 00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:27,120 Speaker 2: forty three, he had kids her age period. There's no 294 00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:29,720 Speaker 2: way he had to have started having kids in his 295 00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:30,520 Speaker 2: early twenties. 296 00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:33,480 Speaker 1: Huh. Yeah, you know what. Look, we have an opinion, 297 00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:36,040 Speaker 1: You have an opinion. Everybody seems to maybe have an opinion. 298 00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:38,920 Speaker 1: We don't have all the details, but hey, if you 299 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:42,640 Speaker 1: want to be encouraged, look no further than the president 300 00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:43,160 Speaker 1: of France. 301 00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:56,080 Speaker 2: Welcome back to this edition of Ask Amy and TJ, 302 00:15:56,560 --> 00:16:00,280 Speaker 2: where we had Cassie right in and ask if she 303 00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:05,880 Speaker 2: should start up a relationship she ended thirteen years ago. 304 00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:08,200 Speaker 2: There was a twenty five year age gap. She was 305 00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:10,240 Speaker 2: in her well, she was a freshman in college, so 306 00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:13,160 Speaker 2: eighteen nineteen years old, started a relationship with somebody who 307 00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:15,480 Speaker 2: was newly divorced, who was twenty five years older than her, 308 00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:19,000 Speaker 2: who had eight kids. So it was co parenting eight 309 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:21,880 Speaker 2: kids with his ex wife. It didn't work out, but 310 00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:25,680 Speaker 2: now thirteen years later, she wants to know if she 311 00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:28,400 Speaker 2: should try again. He's come back into her life. She's 312 00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:32,600 Speaker 2: almost forty, and maybe the timing was wrong and the 313 00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:36,480 Speaker 2: person was right. And so our advice to Cassie was 314 00:16:36,520 --> 00:16:39,880 Speaker 2: slightly different. I told her to go for it. I 315 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:45,440 Speaker 2: thought that she should proceed with caution, even with skepticism, 316 00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:49,200 Speaker 2: but why not give it a try. What if he 317 00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:53,800 Speaker 2: was and is her person and she just needed to 318 00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:56,120 Speaker 2: mature a little bit, He needed to take care of 319 00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:58,160 Speaker 2: his family for a little bit and be focused on 320 00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:01,880 Speaker 2: his eight kids. Now that enough time has passed, this 321 00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:05,439 Speaker 2: might be the right time, the right place, and the 322 00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:07,119 Speaker 2: right man who knows. 323 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:09,480 Speaker 1: Okay, I am totally on board you putting it that way. 324 00:17:09,520 --> 00:17:13,399 Speaker 1: I'm totally on board with your advice. I'm saying, why not, 325 00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:16,159 Speaker 1: Like I stop, and I caution, And maybe that is 326 00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:20,040 Speaker 1: a dad having daughters. I pump the brakes a little 327 00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:22,520 Speaker 1: bit when I hear certain things when it comes to girls. 328 00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:26,399 Speaker 1: But what you're saying makes sense, Then why not you 329 00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:29,520 Speaker 1: say something that in particular always jumps out if this 330 00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:33,000 Speaker 1: is your person? Like who are we? Who am I? 331 00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:36,679 Speaker 1: Who is anybody to say what? And who this person is? 332 00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:38,600 Speaker 1: And if this works and how it works and why 333 00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:41,320 Speaker 1: it works? And who are we to say? It's just 334 00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:47,680 Speaker 1: I always want to caution myself. You are very good 335 00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:49,480 Speaker 1: at that. You'll say it out loud, but you always 336 00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:51,960 Speaker 1: want to make just You don't have to judge. You 337 00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:55,200 Speaker 1: can hear. You can hear and listen and maybe even disagree. 338 00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:58,280 Speaker 1: But we don't always understand all the dynamics and what's 339 00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:00,879 Speaker 1: happening and what works for them might not be what 340 00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:03,080 Speaker 1: would work for me. So I think your advice is 341 00:18:03,119 --> 00:18:06,640 Speaker 1: probably the best in what you just said, then why 342 00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:08,480 Speaker 1: not give it another shot? If you think this is 343 00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:09,000 Speaker 1: your person? 344 00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:12,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, and we have one of the biggest 345 00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:14,159 Speaker 2: examples you teased it before we went to the break 346 00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:16,800 Speaker 2: is the president of France. I mean, if you really 347 00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:19,600 Speaker 2: look into his story, it's kind of jaw dropping. I 348 00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:21,719 Speaker 2: don't know that it would fly in the United States, 349 00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:23,639 Speaker 2: But hey, I don't know. We have President Trump with 350 00:18:23,680 --> 00:18:28,400 Speaker 2: a very storied, interesting history in dating and divorces and 351 00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:29,000 Speaker 2: women and. 352 00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:29,359 Speaker 1: All of that. 353 00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:33,399 Speaker 2: But yeah, the story of President Macrone and his wife. 354 00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:38,520 Speaker 2: She was his teacher, was it his English teacher, history teacher? 355 00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:40,919 Speaker 2: Which one? Was it theater teacher? Okay, yes, you're right, 356 00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:44,840 Speaker 2: it was the theater teacher. But he waited until he 357 00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:45,639 Speaker 2: got out of school. 358 00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:51,000 Speaker 1: Correct, nothing was going on, And they say when now, yeah, 359 00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:53,040 Speaker 1: but he's what's the age gap? I can't remember. 360 00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:54,720 Speaker 2: Oh it's twenty something years. 361 00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:57,520 Speaker 1: Is really okay, but still he the president of France 362 00:18:58,119 --> 00:19:00,320 Speaker 1: is currently married too, and has been married for quite 363 00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:04,640 Speaker 1: some time to a woman who was one of his 364 00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:08,040 Speaker 1: teachers in high school. And do I have it right, ropes, 365 00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:09,920 Speaker 1: wasn't she married with kids at the time. 366 00:19:10,119 --> 00:19:14,800 Speaker 2: Yes, so their relationship so he she is his senior 367 00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:18,560 Speaker 2: by nearly twenty five years. This is almost exactly in 368 00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:24,919 Speaker 2: reverse the same story. And that is her name is Brigitte, 369 00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:30,840 Speaker 2: and yes, she was his high school teacher and he 370 00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:36,200 Speaker 2: was a student. And yeah, they said that they love 371 00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:38,760 Speaker 2: each other and they've always loved each other and they 372 00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:41,880 Speaker 2: had to wait for the right time, but they've clearly 373 00:19:42,119 --> 00:19:44,600 Speaker 2: made it through some tough times. 374 00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:47,920 Speaker 1: We always don't. We have that tendency to question any 375 00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:51,120 Speaker 1: relationship that doesn't look a certain way. It doesn't look 376 00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:53,320 Speaker 1: the way we think it should look, it doesn't follow 377 00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:57,040 Speaker 1: along a certain trajectory that we think it should, and 378 00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:00,439 Speaker 1: that's too bad. I understand so a certain degree, but 379 00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:03,960 Speaker 1: I don't like the cynicism where we don't Why can't 380 00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:07,000 Speaker 1: we start with giving even love the benefit of the doubt? 381 00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:09,720 Speaker 2: Yeah, no, I hear you. If you, if you look 382 00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:15,080 Speaker 2: at the story, this is pretty remarkable. Brigitte and Manuel Macrone. 383 00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:21,600 Speaker 2: So his parents found out they thought that he was 384 00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:24,480 Speaker 2: seeing her daughter, but when they found out that he 385 00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:27,760 Speaker 2: had feelings for the teacher. She was thirty nine, he 386 00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:31,480 Speaker 2: was fifteen, they sent him to boarding school to get 387 00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:34,560 Speaker 2: him away from her. Okay, she you're right. She had 388 00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:38,800 Speaker 2: three children and was married and they were around Emmanuel's age. 389 00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:41,920 Speaker 2: So her children were the same age as Emmanuel Macrone 390 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:48,200 Speaker 2: and that lasted for ten years. So that's pretty remarkable. 391 00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:50,679 Speaker 1: But wait, what lasted ten years? So? 392 00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:53,400 Speaker 2: Oh, he was born in December of nineteen seventy seven. 393 00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:59,280 Speaker 2: That's amazing. So you're the same age. So the two 394 00:20:59,359 --> 00:21:02,080 Speaker 2: kept in touch over the years, but Brigitte was married 395 00:21:02,080 --> 00:21:03,800 Speaker 2: at the time and had three children who were around 396 00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:07,040 Speaker 2: a manual's age, and she chose to prioritize them. That 397 00:21:07,160 --> 00:21:10,240 Speaker 2: lasted ten years, so they had feelings for each other, 398 00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:12,280 Speaker 2: but they didn't act on it. So this is actually 399 00:21:12,359 --> 00:21:16,000 Speaker 2: almost identical to their relationship. And then they came back 400 00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:20,960 Speaker 2: revisited it, and then they decided to get married and 401 00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:21,800 Speaker 2: they've been together. 402 00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:25,800 Speaker 1: How is it possible. No one would accept, No one 403 00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:31,919 Speaker 1: that a fifteen year old boy could have the proper instincts, 404 00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:37,760 Speaker 1: maturity experience to know what love is like or supposed 405 00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:40,080 Speaker 1: to be like with a thirty nine year old woman. 406 00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:44,000 Speaker 1: That's wild. It's no one would say, yeah, it's possible. 407 00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:47,239 Speaker 1: We just don't. But here they are and look at that, 408 00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:48,920 Speaker 1: and should I judge? I don't know. 409 00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:50,600 Speaker 2: They've been married for eighteen years. 410 00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:52,800 Speaker 1: Now, one of w which is most of the most 411 00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:53,840 Speaker 1: marriages in the eights. 412 00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:56,320 Speaker 2: Yeah. So they got married in two thousand and seven, 413 00:21:56,359 --> 00:21:58,679 Speaker 2: and that was a year after she divorced her ex husband. 414 00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:02,199 Speaker 2: So yeah, they had that ten year period where he 415 00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:04,960 Speaker 2: went and lived his life. She kept raising her kids, 416 00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:07,560 Speaker 2: worked on her marriage, or tried at least to maybe 417 00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:11,639 Speaker 2: save her marriage. Who knows. They ended up divorcing, and 418 00:22:11,680 --> 00:22:15,119 Speaker 2: then Emmanuel and his wife ended up marrying. And we 419 00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:17,119 Speaker 2: did see that little incident on the plane a couple 420 00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:20,040 Speaker 2: months ago, but short of that, seems like they have 421 00:22:20,080 --> 00:22:23,080 Speaker 2: a good relationship. So who's to judge? 422 00:22:23,119 --> 00:22:25,239 Speaker 1: What do you do? Because there are people that are 423 00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:29,280 Speaker 1: listening to us and saying, give me a freakin' break. Stop. 424 00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:32,920 Speaker 1: This is ridiculous, it's inappropriate, it doesn't work. How dare 425 00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:35,720 Speaker 1: you even? There are some like you just can't get 426 00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:38,120 Speaker 1: your head around how that's okay and why it's pop? 427 00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:40,879 Speaker 1: Do we need to get our heads around now? We 428 00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:41,479 Speaker 1: don't need to. 429 00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:44,760 Speaker 2: I don't think we need to understand everyone's relationship, but 430 00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:47,159 Speaker 2: I think we can respect it if real you know 431 00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:49,320 Speaker 2: it just to know that we don't know, and to 432 00:22:49,359 --> 00:22:51,000 Speaker 2: know that we don't understand, and to know that it 433 00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:53,480 Speaker 2: wouldn't be something that we would be interested. But I 434 00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:55,560 Speaker 2: think we can respect it. And especially when you see 435 00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:57,560 Speaker 2: two people who seem to be in love with each other, 436 00:22:57,640 --> 00:23:00,199 Speaker 2: who work at it each and every day, it can be. 437 00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:03,360 Speaker 2: It can seem bizarre, it can seem unusual and strange. 438 00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:07,120 Speaker 2: But I actually did not realize how many similarities there 439 00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:10,639 Speaker 2: were between Cassie's relationship and this one is just the 440 00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:13,199 Speaker 2: genders of reverse. So you know, she could look to 441 00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:18,119 Speaker 2: President Macrone's relationship and think, you know what, it worked 442 00:23:18,119 --> 00:23:20,119 Speaker 2: for them, why couldn't it work for me? 443 00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:24,600 Speaker 1: So Cassie, take that with you, and these are fascinating questions. 444 00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:28,040 Speaker 1: Please keep your comments coming. We are starting to collect 445 00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:30,480 Speaker 1: and see already, but we'll do another episode in which 446 00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:34,000 Speaker 1: we will we will share some of the comments that 447 00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:36,200 Speaker 1: you all have written in began to say Yahoo dot 448 00:23:36,240 --> 00:23:39,720 Speaker 1: com in the life section. Please please please comment in Cassie, 449 00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:42,080 Speaker 1: good luck to you. So still we are pulling for you. 450 00:23:42,119 --> 00:23:44,800 Speaker 1: These things are hard. Relationships are hard, no matter what 451 00:23:45,320 --> 00:23:50,000 Speaker 1: it looks like, doesn't robes they're soul are difficult. 452 00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:53,200 Speaker 2: Yeah, but there's something pulling those two together and you 453 00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:55,760 Speaker 2: shouldn't ignore it because that is special, that is magical, 454 00:23:55,840 --> 00:23:58,400 Speaker 2: that doesn't happen every day. Think about it. She's lived 455 00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:00,919 Speaker 2: a ton of her life thirteen years was he, and 456 00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:03,840 Speaker 2: they still feel this pull towards one one another. So 457 00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:06,679 Speaker 2: explore it, Cassie, and hopefully you can let us know 458 00:24:06,760 --> 00:24:08,960 Speaker 2: how it goes. We appreciate it, and we appreciate you 459 00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:12,879 Speaker 2: listening to us, Thank you for listening to this episode 460 00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:17,119 Speaker 2: of Ask Amy and TJ. On'm Amy Robock alongside TJ Holmes. 461 00:24:17,119 --> 00:24:22,440 Speaker 2: Have a great day, Everybody,